#but I'm free after Thursday for two weeks- like I still have classes but no work! <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[osamusriceballs]

Kinktober Day 25 <3

Iwaizumi x striptease

Warnings: NSFW, fem reader

Words: ~ 1,4 k

Kinktober Masterlist II -> Next day

"You're so fucking hot."

A low groan escapes his lips as his hips arch into yours while you straddle his lap. You continue to kiss his neck, your hands gently resting on his shoulders to maintain your balance on his muscular thighs. Athletic trainer? You almost snort. He looks more like an athlete himself. Iwaizumi's hands are restless, alternating between gripping your hips to sensually thrust into you and exploring the curves and contours of your body.

"You too," you sheepishly look up and smile at him, your cheeks warming as you admire his attractive face up close. The intense eye contact continues for a few moments, with both of you remaining silent, only the sound of your soft breaths filling the room.

That is until you can't resist any longer and begin to squirm on his lap. "Come here." He tilts his head and easily connects his lips with yours, much to your relief. You feel yourself melting into the kiss, savoring the soft caress of his lips against yours and the gentle increase of pressure. You moan as his tongue grazes your lower lip, silently requesting more access, to which you eagerly oblige by parting your lips.

Your passionate make-out session is suddenly interrupted by the loud music coming from the closed front door, undoubtedly from the new neighbors next door. You pull back slightly at the noise, just enough to notice a slight frown on his face, and he sighs deeply while squeezing your hips. Since the new neighbors moved in next door, they've made a habit of playing loud music every Saturday night, making you feel like you're in a crowded club. Their music is usually energetic and intense, probably used for home workouts, but tonight's music is different. It's a slow, sensual melody that makes you want to sway your hips as you cling to Iwaizumi.

You both exchange glances while the music plays, and his initial frown quickly dissipates along with your disappointment of the music ruining your sweet moment. "Dance for me?" He suddenly breaks the silence with a gleam of excitement in his eyes, his happiness evident as he gazes expectantly at you. "Really?" you hesitantly ask, feeling somewhat perplexed by the unexpected request.

"Hmm. The music is perfect for this." He grins, his expression so tender and affectionate that you give him one last peck on the lips, pressing your lips against his long enough to elicit a groan from him before you finally get up.

Your movements are initially stiff as you're not quite sure how to proceed, but as you notice his leg bouncing in anticipation, you decide to go with the flow. You're convinced that you can't go wrong; Iwaizumi has adored, praised, and cherished your body so many times that you can't imagine him ever being disappointed in anything you do.

You slowly dance to the music, gently swaying your body while maintaining eye contact with him. You do a little twirl, just enough to let your skirt flutter a bit, earning an approving hum from him. "Always so fucking pretty for me," he runs his hands over his pants and takes a deep breath, his eyes tracking every movement of your body.

"What should I take off first, Hajime?" you ask, batting your eyelashes as seductively as possible. His leg stops bouncing at your question, and he quickly licks his lips before leaning forward ever so slightly. "You're letting me choose?" You feel a shiver run down your spine at his expectant gaze, your body growing warmer as you stand before him, swaying to the music.

"Your shirt. I think it would look better on the floor." He grins, watching as you shift your weight from one foot to the other, slowly reaching for the hem of your shirt. "You don't like it, then?" You ask with a teasing smile, and he immediately shakes his head. "No, I love it! It's my favorite color on you." You raise your eyebrows at his statement, mentally noting to wear this color more often.

"Oh? Should I keep it on, then?" You let your hands fall to your sides, ensuring that you continue to sway to the music and let your hands wander down your sides.

"Baby," he groans in frustration, his hands caressing the fabric of his pants once more, and you decide to give in. You bring your hands back to the hem of your shirt and slowly lift it. You expose inch by inch, his gaze fixed on the movement of your hands as it trails down your chest, leaving your upper body clad only in an almost see-through lacy bra. Once you've finally pulled the shirt over your head, you hear his breath hitch. You know how much he adores the bra and the matching panties, that's why you chose to wear them today to surprise him - the perfect choice as it seems.

"What next?" You ask, your voice slightly higher pitched than usual, conveying how hot and bothered he's making you feel with the way he watches you with his bright green eyes, much like a predator eyeing its prey, ready to devour. "The skirt." His response is so quick that you know he thought about it while you were undressing, but that was exactly the effect you aimed for: to stimulate his imagination and to make his mind go crazy. You sway your hips just a bit slower, maintaining eye contact to intensify the tension while you unzip your skirt from the side, making sure to caress all of your exposed skin. The fabric falls down to your feet as you pull it over your hips, leaving you in a matching set of lace, almost bare in front of him. You don't feel the cold at all, not when Iwaizumi's gaze is so fiery and intense. The bulge in his pants is clearly visible, and you're relieved that the dark material of your panties hides the damp spot, which is nearly invisible from the outside.

"The bra next?" you tilt your head while you speak, your fingers fumbling with the cups of your bra as you wait for his response.

"Not yet. I want to savor you a bit. Do a twirl for me, love." You hold your breath for a moment and quickly nod, presenting your body from various angles as he watches attentively, his cock almost throbbing at the sight of you dancing so seductively only for him. Only for his eyes.

You keep your eyes on him when you bring your hands the the clasp of your bra, and this time he does not interfere. You fumble just for a second with it before you manage to unhook it, your body shivering in excitement. You let the fabric run down your shoulders, the movement feeling like a caress, and you find yourself wishing that he would finally touch you. That he would run his hands down your shoulders and kiss you and show you how much he loves you.

The bra joins the other clothes on the ground, and you let your hands roam along your body, touching yourself softly while you dance to the music. "You can't even imagine how sexy you look right now, love. So fucking sexy." He runs his hand through his dark hair, swallowing hard and raking his gaze over your body. He sounds so turned on, lust evident on his face, the tension in the room almost unbearable at this point.

You bite your lip and bring your hands to the hem of your panties to finish the show, but Iwaizumi moves quickly and catches your wrists before you can pull them down. You stare at him surprised, your eyes widened while you wordlessly let him pull you towards the bed until your back meets the soft mattress and he hovers over you. His hands go to your ankles and spread your legs, your core throbbing at this action, aching to be touched when he makes you feel even more exposed in your current position. Your jaw drops when he leans down and presses a kiss on your stomach, his teeth grazing at the lace of your panties, and you squirm under him when his hot breath meets your skin. A grin adorns his lips when he pulls the material back, just enough until it loudly snaps against your body.

"Just lay back and let me do the rest, love. I'll take care of this myself."

[charmre]

Anxiety riddled today :/

[mysecretlittlelibrary]

So Much To Learn

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Warnings: a lot, again; Sub!Spencer and kinda mean dom reader, oral (f receiving), age gap (reader is 21), hand job/teasing, honorifics & pet names, marking a lot, p in v sex, they both talking diiiiirty, minor praise, risky sex, multiple orgasms, edging, squirting- I think I got everything??

Genre: Smut kinda fluff and like minor minor angst if you squint

Summary: You don't react well when you realize someone else is giving your professor boyfriend entirely too much of their attention

A/N: technically this is a continuation of So Much To Teach but order is arbitrary lol

Part 1< >Part 3

***

The weeks after Spencer's confession in his office are- fun to say the least. Meeting in secret, teasing him in class, it's all very exciting. With finals just around the corner now though, you're not sure what it means for the two of you. Will he be interested in establishing anything solid with you once you're out of his class? Will things continue as they are? Will he toss you aside only to replace you with another student from another class next semester? The last possibility bothers you more than you'd like to admit. You'll have to find a good time to bring it up to him soon. Between preparing for final exams or papers and Spencer's near insatiable appetite for time with you there's never a moment you want to risk ruining with what will no doubt be an awkward conversation.

There's a slight knock on the door at the back of the classroom that interrupts Spencer's lecture and your wandering mind. Everyone turns to see another professor walk into the room.

"Oh shoot. I'm so sorry Spence I- I thought your class would be over by now." Professor Greene says. She has the decency to look remorseful although you've noticed her sniffing around Spencer for a little while now so you roll your eyes to yourself.

"Oh don't worry about it Professor Greene we're just wrapping up, come on in." Spencer says kindly. "Alright guys reminder, your finals are online and are due at the end of finals week- that's Friday in two weeks' time. We're not meeting on Thursday but next Tuesday for our final meeting time together I'll be having a review session. It's not mandatory but I'll be here during our class time to answer any last minute study questions you may have. I hope to see you next week but if not good luck on all your finals, if you're graduating congratulations, enjoy your holidays, and have a good day!" Spencer dismisses the class. Usually, you'd linger to drop by his office after class but with Professor Greene about to commandeer his attention, you're not sure if you should. Still, you take your time packing up your things while listening in on their conversation.

"I really am so sorry I interrupted your lecture, Spence. I just wanted to ask about the staff meeting I missed the other day." Professor Greene says.

"Oh don't worry about it, Professor Greene but I can email you my notes from the meeting real quick." Spencer says walking over to his computer.

"I've told you a thousand times Spencer call me Ellie." She says patting his shoulder. Spencer mutters something you can barely hear as you exit the classroom. You don't catch the way his eyes trail after you for a moment before he focuses back on sending this email.

"Y/n!" Matt calls pretty much as soon as you make it out of the classroom.

"Oh, hey Lewis. What's up?"

"Was wondering if you were free to meet up sometime to do some studying for the final? Ya know that way we can help each other with things that are confusing and anything we can't figure out together- we can bring up next week during the review session."

"Ya know what that's a great idea Matt. Why don't we do Thursday- since we don't have class we can just hit the library during that time." You suggest.

"Perfect. I'll meet you at the library on Thursday then." Matt smiles, rushing ahead to catch up with some friends. You make your way to Spencer's office like you do after every class although usually you walk together. Today you sit on the bench that's a few feet from his office and wait for him while reading a book.

"Sweetheart. I was wondering where you ran off to." Spencer says when he reaches his office.

"Didn't want to interrupt. She likes you, you know."

"What?" He frowns over his shoulder at you as he unlocks his office door.

"Professor Greene. She was totally flirting with you when she came in during class." You stand up and follow him into his office.

"Was she?" He hums.

"You're telling me you didn't notice?" You scoff.

"Do you want me to notice other women flirting with me?"

"I don't care, Spencer, you're not my boyfriend-"

"Hey, that's not fair." He frowns. You know it's not, Spencer told you early on the only thing stopping him from labeling your relationship was because of how risky it is to date your professor, but you're apparently facing jealousy and it's making you mean.

"I was only saying she's being really obvious. Whether you're interested or not though, is your business. I have some studying to do so I can't stick around today but I didn't want to disappear without letting you know." You say dismissively.

"Y/n," Spencer says softly.

"I'll see you next week." You tell him, turning on your heel. You need to get your feelings under control and quickly.

"I'm not interested in her. You have to know you're the only one on my mind." Spencer says before you make it out the door. You're not even sure what to say back, so you leave without a word.

You've never considered yourself a jealous or insecure person but for some reason, Professor Greene really gets under your skin when it comes to Spencer. Maybe it's because you know it would be easier for him to date her, she's close to his age and there's no taboo surrounding that pairing. That doesn't make feeling this way any less annoying. I mean- you've been ignoring her attempts at making advances at him for the past couple of months but you think the stress of exams and final papers is exacerbating a feeling you normally wouldn't even notice. Honestly, you have entirely too much else going on to be wasting time focused on staking your claim over a man that's only yours in locked offices, empty halls, and dark rooms. You don't fight over men, if Professor Greene can 'take him from you' she can absolutely have him.

By Thursday when you meet up with Matt, you've managed to knock those ugly thoughts of Spencer and Professor Greene to the back of your head, drowning yourself in studying and paper writing. You have no problems in Spencer's class, even before you were fucking him you had an A average so his final is the least of your worries but you know a review can't hurt. You spend way longer than the length of a class studying with Matt, he's a good student which appears to come with great effort on his part. He goes over things in such depth you're actually a little impressed and for a moment there you wonder what it would be like to pick the easy lover. Matt's kind, and attractive, and it would be much less complicated, no sneaking around- well maybe a bit but it would be for fun, not out of necessity. He'd walk you to class holding your hand, and kiss you on the quad, you'd probably adopt his whole friend group, they're athletes whose girlfriends always seem to be adored by all of them. It would be nice, it would be sweet. If things with Spencer do end at the end of the term you'll seriously consider falling for Matt. The version of reality where you end up with him sounds good. If only you'd realized it before Spencer caught your eye so severely. Would things be different? Would you be holding Matt's hand across the table right now? Sitting next to each other in class? Having him over to study late into the night until you'd have him just stay over because you don't want him to leave so late? It seems silly to spend so much time dwelling on a world that you gave up months ago. You blame it on the stress of the end of a semester.

When Tuesday rolls around you go to the review session knowing you don't actually have any questions but maybe someone will ask one you didn't think of that will come in handy. There are not that many people here for the review, some kids from other sections for sure, but still only maybe 20 of you in total. Spencer tries a number of times to catch your attention while he answers questions to gauge how you're feeling but you don't give anything away on your face. That is until Professor Greene walks in about halfway through the review session.

"Hi Spence! Sorry to interrupt, I know you're reviewing for finals and stuff but I ordered a sandwich for lunch and they gave me 2? I just thought I'd offer you one." She smiles as she scurries to the front of the room. Spencer catches the wry smile that just barely cracks your poker face for a moment and he's almost nervous to address Professor Greene.

"Oh- I appreciate it Professor Greene but I brought lunch, I always do. Perhaps Mike would like it if he's on campus? I know he usually buys food at the student center for lunch." He offers. Graceful rejection. Hopefully enough to keep you happy and put off his coworker at the same time. You make a point to not react outwardly but you do notice his choice to call her Professor Greene while calling another professor in the building Mike despite her giggling request last week to call her by her first name.

"Mike?" She blinks at him.

"Yeah he's- probably doing some grading in his office upstairs." Spencer smiles. "Anyone have any other questions for me?" He turns his attention back to the small group of students who mostly seem ready to leave after watching the exchange.

"The exam is a combination of multiple choice and short answer right?" A woman asks.

"Correct, just like your exams in class." He nods. "It- seems like we've covered all your questions guys so, I think it's okay for us to wrap this up a bit early yes?" Spencer asks. Professor Greene is still in the room but Spencer avoids her gaze diligently as the class murmurs affirmatives.

"Spence before you head off can I speak to you for a moment?" Professor Greene asks quietly while the rest of the room is busy packing up their things.

"Of course." He answers reluctantly. "Miss y/n, don't go far I have an assignment of yours I'd like to discuss in my office." Spencer tells you before you can even stand up.

"Sure prof." You drawl resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

"Look Spencer the sandwich was- a decoy. I mean they did give me an extra that I wanted to offer you but it was really an excuse to ask you something else." Professor Greene's tone is hushed as you and a few others are still milling about the room.

"Oh- well what is it?" Spencer asks though his gaze shifts to you every so often. You who sits so seemingly unbothered waiting for him, chewing gum, tapping away on your phone, not even looking their way although your ears are definitely paying attention.

"I'm having a little faculty get-together and I wanted to invite you personally."

"What, like going out for drinks?"

"Yeah exactly! Will you be there?"

"Uh- email me the details and I'll let you know."

"Awesome! I really hope to see you there Spence." She places her hand on his arm and he quickly walks over to his satchel to escape the touch.

"I'll- see what I can do." He mutters. "Is that all? I don't want to keep y/n waiting all afternoon."

"Y/n?" She frowns.

"My student? The only person in the room. Who I asked to wait up when I dismissed everyone?" Spencer frowns at her.

"Right! I guess I forgot. One track mind sometimes." She waves off with a giggle. How unnecessarily dismissive.

"Y/n. My office. Ready to go?" He turns his attention to you without even addressing her comment.

"Whenever you're done." You shrug.

"That would be now."

"Alright. Let's go." You stand up and exit the class before him.

"I'll see you at the gathering Spencer." Professor Greene says as he follows you out. You don't say anything as you walk down the halls with Spencer trailing behind. He thinks he handled that well but he can't tell. It's like you're being hard to read on purpose. He unlocks his office door and lets you inside before him, shutting it behind him.

"Look I-"

"I think you should go." You tell him first.

"What?"

"To her little get together. I think you should go." You shrug.

"You do?" He frowns which deepens when you nod. "Why?" He asks.

"It's good for you to socialize with your coworkers." You offer noncommittally.

"You're in a better mood about her today than you were last week." He says carefully.

"Is the door locked?" You ask him.

"What?"

"To your office. Did you lock the door?"

"Oh- yes. I always lock-"

"Yes is sufficient." You say sitting in his office chair.

"Sweetheart, talk to me, what's-" He stops when you hold up one of your hands.

"Spencer, drop to your knees." You say.

"What?" He blinks at you.

"It's a very simple instruction, I would expect a man with as many degrees as you hold would be able to understand a 4-word command."

"I understood it fine I just-"

"Then why are you still standing? If you understood it Spencer do it. I want you on your knees. Now." You cross your arms. Spencer slowly, unsurely, lowers himself to his knees, still by the door to his office. "That's better. Come over to me. And just so we're clear you'll have to crawl." Spencer bends and shuffles over to you on his hands and knees, gaze pointed at the carpet in his office. You've discussed the possibility of him giving up control a number of times but this is not how he expected today to go. When he's by your side you lift his chin up to force his eyes to yours. "Finals week starts in two days Spence, I've got three papers and two exams to think about. I don't have time to worry about if you're going to behave or not." You tell him.

"I-"

"Choose your next words very carefully baby they might just ruin your day." You warn him.

"I would never misbehave darling. My loyalties are to you." He says softly.

"Are you willing to prove that?" You ask.

"However you ask me to." He says immediately.

"I like that answer." You hum. You tug your dress over your head and drop it on his desk. "You can start by removing my panties with your teeth." You tell him. "Just your teeth. I want your hands behind your back." You add. Spencer shuffles forward and tugs at your underwear with his teeth. You move only when absolutely necessary to help but he gets them off after a few moments and holds them between his lips, looking at you for further instructions. "Good boy professor." You pull them from his mouth and drop them on the desk beside your dress. "You'll need your mouth free for this next bit." You say threading your fingers into his hair. "Your loyalties are with me you said?"

"Of course princess." Spencer's reply is breathy.

"Hm- no, not princess. Today you can call me mistress or your queen. I'll let you choose but only between those two. Anything else will get you in trouble and- today is not the day to get in trouble."

"O-okay, My Queen."

"Good. And as for proving your loyalties, you can begin with your head between my thighs, let's see how loyal you are." You spread your legs and tug at his hair still in your hand hard enough to shove his face directly into your center. Spencer is quick to react, his tongue laps up your juices as eagerly as you'd expect. He will regularly spend ages between your legs when he can just because he enjoys tasting you so much. Your back arches as he thrusts his tongue into your pussy feverishly. "Yeah, oh fuck, keep going. Show me- show me your devotion." You moan out as you grind against his mouth. Spencer groans into you as you pull at his hair. His tongue curls inside you just barely brushing against that spongy patch and you have to bite your lip to keep from squealing when he does. Spencer's nose nudges at your clit as he focuses his tongue on your inner walls until your legs stiffen around his ears. When that happens he drags his tongue up to your clit and focuses his attention there, wrapping his lips around the bundle of nerves and sucking on it while his tongue lashes it with figure 8s. You almost scream when your orgasm crashes into you, fingers tightening in his hair and your back coming off the chair as you ride the waves of your release. "Don't- don't stop Spence. Fuck- keep sucking my clit." You pant out. Your eyes squeeze shut at the almost painful stimulation, but you want a second orgasm from him before you let him up for air and you plan to get it. You swallow your whines from those first few moments of post-orgasmic overstimulation and force Spencer further into your heat, practically smooshing his face against you. Your moan when overstimulation gives way to pure pleasure again is enough to have Spencer clenching his fists as more blood rushes to his already painfully hard dick. It fills him with a new level of determination as he sharpens the movements of his tongue against you. Your second orgasm builds quickly, and within a few minutes, you're shaking again, this orgasm covering Spencer's face and even squirting onto his shirt. You pull his hair harshly enough to move him away from you as you take a few deep breaths. Spencer sits panting, covered in your juices, pupils blown so wide there's no trace of his hazel-colored irises. "Look at what a mess you are." You hum. "You look pretty like this."

"Thank you- mistress." His voice is hoarse.

"Strip and sit on the couch. You can walk this time." You tell him. He stands, though a little unsteadily, and walks over to the loveseat, taking off his shirt and then his pants before sitting down with his gaze trained on you. You take your time standing from his chair and walking over to him, detouring to grab your jacket that you'd tossed over your backpack upon entry. You won't put the dress back on for now, having totally soaked your lover you have no interest in walking out of here in a damp dress, but your leather jacket will be fine. Spencer watches you with rapt attention as you finally approach him, his dick is an angry looking red flopped against his stomach and his whole body is tense. You drag a finger across his thigh and then up the length of his dick, slowly, reveling in the way he jolts at the contact.

"P-please." He gasps out.

"Please what Spencer?" You tilt your head at him.

"I- I need you to do something my queen I can't- it hurts."

"Do something? I'm already touching you. You need more?"

"Yes mistress, please." Spencer's head is tossed back against the couch as you trace the veins along his dick lazily.

"You're a greedy thing." You hum.

"Please mistress- please my queen I need- god please sit on my dick. Need it so bad- need you. I can't- can't help it." Spencer grips the cushions beneath him tightly, desperately trying not to squirm under your touch.

"Only because you beg very cutely." You tell him swinging your leg over to straddle him. You grip the base of his dick in your hand and lower yourself onto him with a satisfied hum while he lets out a guttural sound that makes your walls clench around him.

"Oh god thank you, my queen. thank you, thank you. You feel so good." Spencer pants out. You brace yourself using his shoulders and set your rhythm, bouncing on his dick quickly.

"Spencer, you're not allowed to cum until I say so." You tell him, grabbing his face to make sure he's listening.

"O-okay mistress. Of course mistress." He nods frantically.

"Fuck Spence this is what you're good for, this is where you belong. Filling me with your pretty little cock, covered in my squirt, you're mine aren't you baby?" You huff as you ride him furiously.

"Yes my queen yes. I'm yours. Just yours. Only you get to use me, touch me, take me. Only you make me feel so good." Spencer groans. You feel his body tense up under you and slow your pace almost to a stop.

"Not yet Spence." You mutter sweetly kissing his neck. You stay there for a few moments, grinding against him as you take some time to litter his throat with hickeys of various sizes some of which are quite dark as well. Dark enough that you're sure he'll have them through finals week. When you're satisfied with the marks covering him you pick up your pace again and his small whimpers from your lips against his skin turn to full-blown moans again. "This time Spencer you can cum, but you ask first." You tell him. He nods at your instruction and while you should scold him for not using his words you'll let it slide considering how close you know he is. He barely manages a few minutes before he's stuttering out his request.

"C-can I mistress please can I cum?" He pants out frantically.

"Good boy. Yes you can." You chuckle airily at the relief on his face when you give him permission. You keep pace until heat spills into you at which point your hips slam down harder against him even when he begins hissing from overstimulation.

"M-my queen I- too sensitive w-wait."

"I said you could cum baby but I didn't say I'd be done with you. Today you're my toy and I'll use you as long as I want. So be good and let me play." You say, letting yourself relish in the feeling of filling yourself over and over, even as his release leaks out of you and makes his thighs sticky. You moan in surprise when Spencer's dick hardens again inside you. "Oh- fuck. Well aren't you just the perfect plaything- eager to keep your queen happy."

"I- I- yes mistress." He whines. You ride him for a while longer, taking all he has to give and then some. He fills you two more times before you're satisfied and you make sure you have a couple more releases of your own by the time you're climbing off of his completely spent dick. You walk carefully over to his desk and grab his pack of wet wipes before walking back over to him, cleaning up the utter mess around his thighs. If he didn't look so exhausted you'd have him clean the mess on your thighs with his tongue, but right now you think if you asked Spencer to do anything else he'd simply collapse, so you take a few wipes to clean up yourself once you're done with him.

"You were very good today Spencer. I'd say you more than proved your devotion." You tell him with a gentle kiss.

"You're mean when you're jealous." He chuckles breathlessly.

"So are you professor." You tap his nose and stand to dress yourself. You pick his clothes up from the floor and lay them on the arm of the chair for whenever he gets the energy to stand and dress himself. You find his lunch and set it out for him on the table as well while you're at it.

"Are you leaving?" He asks, barely able to focus.

"Well- I do have some studying to do. Will you be okay? Do you want me to stay?" You ask. You won't leave him if he's going to drop but you've set up food, cleaned him up, and made sure he knows he did well.

"I- I don't want Professor Greene you know." He mumbles.

"I know, that's why I think you should go to her gathering. With all those pretty marks on your neck, she'll surely get the hint." You say. You bend over and gently brush some hair from his eyes. "You make me feel so territorial." You mutter.

"I'm sorry." He pouts.

"It's not your fault, it's unavoidable but- I don't like hiding you." You say.

"I don't like hiding you either." Spencer takes your hand in his. You pause for a moment and sigh.

"Do you want me to stay with you, Spence?" You ask brushing your thumb against the back of his hand.

"Can you spare the time?" He asks.

"Sure. But at some point, we should talk about what the end of the semester means for us." You say. Spencer sits up and you sit on the couch letting him rest his head in your lap.

"When you finish all your finals I have a question for you." He slurs a bit through his declaration.

"Why not just ask me now?"

"I want your head clear." You can barely make it out, he's obviously falling asleep, your fingers against his scalp lulling him too quickly. You're still high off adrenaline now, not quite ready to sleep but you know you'll feel the effects of this later. Good thing tomorrow is study day and you can get away with not leaving your apartment.

***

A/N: I was gonna post this on Friday but I’m posting it early as a thank you for all the love on part 1 already 🖤

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wieman - Part 14

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Word : 5k

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Saturday, November 7th; 8:45 AM - Ona and Alexia's Room

I stretch in my bed when I realize that I won't be able to sleep any longer. I had already been tossing and turning for a good ten minutes now. I sigh as I see that it's not even nine o'clock on the radio alarm. This school is definitely changing me. It's Saturday, and I'm still stuck here. It's not such a bad thing if I think about what's waiting for me in Barcelona. My week went relatively well if you forget about my tardiness on Tuesday and the interaction with my teacher on Wednesday. I understood that Bronze didn't like it and wanted to punish me with this weekend. It only takes her disapproval for me to stay here. I also started catching up on my lessons in her office after my classes since Thursday. She's depriving me of a good part of my free time.

Well, at least I'm not alone this weekend. I learned that Bronze is also staying. We had dinner together last night and even ended the evening watching a movie. I had stupidly suggested it and was surprised that she accepted. She must have pitied my boredom. I realize now that I fell asleep during the movie and here I am alone again. She must have put away my laptop because I can't see it anymore. I don't worry too much about it and take my phone from my bedside table to check social media. I quickly get bored and decide to put my phone away and get out of bed. Too bad the rules remain the same on weekends. I never tried to take it outside since there are always at least two instructors staying. Today, one of them is Bronze, so I'm even less likely to take the risk.

I dress in jeans and a thick sweater. It's starting to get cold outside. The sun has disappeared for a few days, leaving clouds and a cool breeze. Needless to say, I'm not used to it! I brush my teeth and finish with some makeup and a brush through my hair. Before leaving, I make my bed neatly and put on my military jacket. I've grown accustomed to this jacket. It's practical and not so ugly if I wear it with regular clothes. It gives a certain style. Luckily for me, breakfast is served until nine-thirty on weekends. I have plenty of time to go. I hope to run into Bronze along the way... It seems I'm not lucky because I end up eating alone.

I go looking for her right after, as she told me she didn't mind spending the day with me. It's always better to be with her than to stay alone in my corner, twiddling my thumbs. Knowing her, she's already awake. I look in all the places she's likely to be. There's no sign of her presence. I even risked knocking on her room without permission, but no one answered. All that's left is her office... It's with relief that I finally find her there, deeply engrossed in paperwork.

- Hey, Bronze.

- Oh, hi Ona, she replies, looking up. Finally up?

- Finally? I chuckle.

- From what you told me, you don't get up early on weekends.

- Normally that's the case. This is the first time I've managed to sleep this long.

- I told you you'd get used to it quickly, she smiles. I came by your room around eight, but you were still asleep.

- Oh, sorry about that and for falling asleep last night too.

- No problem, she giggles. You needed the sleep.

- Can I stay with you?

- Of course. I won't be much longer.

I smile and quickly sit down across from her desk, on the chair that has become my spot. I watch her work and realize she's busy. I didn't know she worked on weekends too.

- By the way...

- Hmm? she responds without looking at me.

- I never had the chance to thank you for my birthday gift, so thank you. You're really crazy! What you bought me is expensive, but it made me really happy. How did you know it was my favorite gear?

- I didn't know, she smiles, looking up. I just asked the salesperson for advice and he recommended it. I'm glad you liked it. Have you used it yet?

- No, I haven't had the chance yet, but I brought it here since I didn't have anything else. Maybe I'll start using it one evening when I'm not too exhausted.

She nods before returning to her papers. I don't dare disturb her anymore seeing her so focused. She scribbles on each sheet, then flips it over to start the next one. I hadn't immediately noticed, but she's not wearing her uniform. It's the first time I've seen her in her own clothes. She's wearing a white shirt that suits her perfectly. It’s quite different from her camouflage jacket. Her hair is down in a naturally wavy style, very pretty. It's so strange to see her so... normal. She knows how to present herself. The few pieces of jewelry she wears complete her outfit perfectly. She manages to be both classy and chic. I notice her jeans fit her well when she stands to get a binder from the cabinet. My eyes widen when I see her heels. I didn't think she was the type to wear those shoes. I suppress my expression when she turns to me and frown when she hands me the binder.

- Since you're here, would you mind helping me? I need to make another stack.

- I guess I don't have a choice.

- You can say no. It just saves you from waiting around twiddling your thumbs.

- Well, you could have come up with a better argument. You're lucky I was going to say yes.

I take the binder from her hands. She sits back down and gives me the stack she just finished. I file them away without needing her instructions. I know how to do it from doing it so often. Meanwhile, she starts on the next pile.

- So, you managed to sleep longer? she brings the topic back.

- Yeah, my first "lie-in" in this lousy place, I replied, mimicking air quotes.

- Watch your language, she scolds me harshly.

- Oh, you can't argue...

- Yes, I can.

I roll my eyes, preferring not to respond. She won't let me have the last word, even though I'm sure she doesn't think any less of it since we discussed the school and Sarina with Leah and Engen. She doesn't like the new rules imposed on them, but she enforces them anyway. I'll never understand her.

- Do you have any plans today? she changes the subject.

- No... Maybe I'll take the opportunity to open a book.

- Hmm, too bad for you then... she smiles slyly.

- Why? I frown.

- I had something planned, but since you're busy, I won't disturb you.

I look at her, bewildered. I feel like she's teasing me. She should know I said that because that's what I would do if I had nothing else to do.

- Go ahead, propose.

- No, too late, she teases.

Since when does she act like this with me? I want to smile, but mostly, I want to know what she's thinking.

- Come on! Tell me, Lucy.

I try to stifle a smile as she raises an eyebrow. It's the first time I've used her first name since I learned it, and I wanted to see her reaction. I'm not disappointed. It's strange to call her something other than Bronze or commander.

- Don't call me that here.

- There's no one around, I roll my eyes.

- That's not a reason. You never know who's around.

- So, can I call you that elsewhere?

- No, she replies, making me smile.

- So, what did you have planned?

- I never said I was including you.

- You implied it!

- Until you told me you were busy.

- Oh, come on! You know very well that I'm bored here and that's why I said that!

She ignores me and continues her work with a smile on her lips. Damn... I think she's going to leave me in suspense. I hide my frustration to avoid her mocking me. To pass the time, I quickly finish the work she gave me while she finishes hers. Luckily for me, she finishes quickly. I watch her as she puts the binder back in its place and rummages through one of her desk drawers. I'm puzzled when she pulls out some keys.

- Come on, get up, let's go.

Her words catch me off guard. I stand up from my chair without asking questions. She locks her office door and looks around, as if to make sure we're alone in the hallway.

- You don't need to get ready? she asks, eyeing me.

I frown, not understanding why she's asking that. I shake my head. She smiles and dangles some keys around her finger.

- Why are you showing me that?

- Promise not to tell anyone?

- Tell what, Lucy? I ask, making her roll her eyes at the use of her name.

- Do you have any special desire today?

- I don't know. Why?

- I think it wouldn't hurt you to go out a bit after everything you've been through.

I remain silent, finally understanding her intentions. She wants us to go out?! I don't even dare ask her directly for fear of being disappointed.

- You realize you're going to break all the rules by doing this?

- If you prefer, we can stay here.

- Are you kidding?!

- Then shut up, she smiles. There are few staff members on camp this weekend. We can slip away without any problem, but I need your utmost discretion.

- Promise! I quickly reply.

- Good, let's go now then. We don't have much time.

- Not much time?

- Ingrid is handling the reception for an hour. Same for tonight, she informs me, looking at her watch. We have fifteen minutes. Come on, move!

Even Engen is in on this? I don't know if I should laugh considering the moral lesson they gave us again on Wednesday night. I quickly follow Lucy, heading towards the parking lot. We find her beautiful Audi... I'll never get tired of it! She asks me to duck down until we're out of the camp. I chuckle. I feel so ridiculous doing it, but it's for a good cause. I only sit up once we're past the reception where Engen wishes us a good day. We thank her, and then Bronze speeds through the streets. I start to recognize the road leading to downtown. I might be wrong, but it seems like that's where we're headed.

- So, any special desire? she asks again, pulling me out of my contemplation of the scenery.

- Why are you doing this? Why take me out of camp?

She glances at me. She shrugs.

- Actually, I don't know, she admits. I think you deserve it after your involuntary withdrawal and all that. Plus, I saw your dejected face when I told you you couldn't go home. I understood that you needed to see something else.

- Thank you... I murmur.

I lower my head and nervously play with my fingers. She must have noticed my change in behavior because she places her free hand on my shoulder.

- Hey, I didn't mean to make you feel bad like that.

- It's not that, on the contrary, I say, smiling timidly.

She removes her hand to shift gears. We don't talk anymore. We've just arrived downtown and we're already caught in traffic.

- I feel like I'm important to you, even if that's not the case, I say. It feels good to be taken care of like you do.

- You are important.

I look at her without hiding my surprise. She keeps repeating that I'm a student like any other. How can she say something like that now? She contradicts all the words she's upheld until now. She sighs, running a hand through her hair. I think she just realized what she said.

- What I mean is that you intrigue me. It's clear that you have a past you don't accept. I sense that you're not comfortable in your own skin, and that drives me to help you. I'll always respect your privacy and boundaries, but I enjoy learning about who you are, Ona. Plus, I have to admit that I also enjoy the little game we've set up between us. Many people, including myself, think it adds some cheer to the camp.

Her words sound so sincere. I don't know what to say or what to think. She must have sensed my discomfort because she changes the subject.

- Yeah... Anyway, it's eleven o'clock. I thought we could do a paintball session for an hour, she suggests. Then, we can eat wherever you want.

- Really?

- Yeah, and for this afternoon, we can still discuss it. I know several cool places we could go to.

- Paintball, then...? I murmur. Do you want to take me down or something? I joke.

- The idea is quite appealing, she says with amusement. But it could go both ways. We'll have a private field just for us.

- Seriously?

- Yes, I know the owner. Are you interested?

- Obviously! Like I'd miss a chance to beat you!

Her laughter makes me smile. This day is likely to be one of the best of my life. She takes the first opportunity to exit the main road to avoid the traffic. We continue driving for a few minutes before she parks in a lot. I observe the building, which looks like a warehouse with its metal facade. Lucy leads the way after grabbing a bag from her trunk. She seems to know the place well. We enter, and the decor takes my breath away. Everything is black, even the ceiling and floor. It's truly stunning! I linger on the fluorescent tags on one of the walls. They are very realistic and really beautiful. Lucy must have noticed my distraction because she calls out to me. I hurry to join her at the counter, where a man with an impressive build is standing behind it.

- This is Beth, a friend of mine, she announces.

- Hello.

- Hi, Ona.

She caught me off guard by calling me by my name. Bronze must have introduced me... or talked about me. I timidly return her smile. She seems amused by my shyness. At the same time, she is very impressive. I'm surprised by their friendship. I must be judging her by his appearance. She seems nicer than she looks.

- Well, you know your way around here, huh? she laughs. I'll leave you to it; you know the way. I've reserved room 3 for you.

- Yep, thanks.

- Have fun!

She winks at me. Lucy rolls her eyes and pulls me along with her. We arrive in a sort of locker room next to room three. I don't even know where to look. I'm really into the decor that is the same everywhere. I linger on every new drawing I see.

- Ona, are you listening to me?

- Huh?

- You're impossible, she mocks. Do you like it here that much?

- Totally! Have you seen the drawings everywhere? They're really beautiful!

- Get changed instead of daydreaming, she says, handing me a jumpsuit. I took the liberty of grabbing some clothes from your wardrobe this morning, she informs me. You need to be comfortable for this kind of activity.

I didn't even notice she took anything. I must have been sleeping soundly to not hear anything. She hands me my gray joggers and a black t-shirt. I feel like I'm back at camp.

- Even here, you're still giving me orders?

- Well, yes. Why would that change? After all, it's up to you if you want bruises.

I've never played paintball, but I've heard that it can hurt if you get shot from too close. Bronze is a regular here, so she must know what she's talking about. I get into a booth without complaining to put on my clothes, then the jumpsuit over them. It's so thick that I wouldn't be surprised if there's a bulletproof vest in there. I finish with shoes that look a lot like the boots I have at school. When I come out, I find Lucy equipped and loading our guns. A smile spreads across my face. I can tell I'm going to have a blast... Who hasn't dreamed of being able to shoot at a teacher at will? It's kind of the same thing here. She's not my teacher, but she's still my superior, my mentor, I'd say.

- Need help? I ask.

- I've got it, don't worry. Yours is ready.

She points to the gun on the bench. I pick it up and check that it's really loaded. You never know, maybe she wanted to cheat! I watch her skillfully load hers. She must come here regularly, it seems. We put on our gloves, and before we leave, she adjusts something on my outfit by zipping up my jumpsuit to my chin.

- It's uncomfortable and I feel suffocated like this, I mumble.

- But it's for safety, so you're going to leave it like that.

I roll my eyes but say nothing. We finally leave the locker room, which she locks, and head to our room right next door. My lips part as I take in the environment. I don't know where to look. This place is just getting better and better! The wall colors are still dark, but the lighting makes the room perfect. Small spotlights illuminate strategic areas without blinding us. We are on a height and can see the many walls covered with artificial foliage. The decoration is a mix between a maze and a battlefield. If there weren't some fluorescent traces on the walls, you'd think we were in a real training camp. The large room is filled with background music. It's just perfect. I follow her down the stairs.

- Well, she pulls me out of my contemplation. We're each going to our side, she points to the two flanks. All hits are allowed, but obviously, avoid the head.

- Okay.

- And also avoid close-range shots. You may not know it, but it hurts like hell, she laughs. We could end up with bruises for a long time otherwise.

- Got it, Bronze.

- Good, she smiles. May the best one win!

I watch her disappear to her side before heading to mine. I try to get my bearings. I don't know this maze, unlike Lucy probably. I try to stay alert as best as I can.

- Damn it! I shout.

I start running to take cover from the first shot I just took. Lucy's laughter echoes in the room. How did she find me so quickly? She just kicked off the festivities! I managed to find a hiding spot behind the fake leaf nets. My hideout is so good that she passes right by me without seeing me. It's funny to watch her search for me while staying on guard. It's clear she's better than me, but I can be sneakier if I want to be. I don't hesitate for a second to press the trigger several times before running away so she won't spot me.

- Well played, she laughs.

The game continues for a good while. We're literally playing cat and mouse. I admit that I'm often the mouse... We're both covered in paint, though she definitely got me more times. I'm jealous of how easily she handles it. She's so skilled at anything that requires endurance and tactics. I'm lying on my stomach, crawling to avoid being noticed. I've continued my trickery, which has successfully countered several of her attacks. She just passed by me without noticing, and I'm currently trying to find her.

- Can you explain what you're doing?

I stop dead in my tracks. I roll onto my back to see her beside me, her gun pointed at me. Damn! She mocks my warrior stance from a second ago.

- I think it's time for you to surrender, she says amused.

- Never!!!

We both start shooting at each other until I run out of paintballs.

- Is this a joke?!

- You see, all the signs are there to say I've won and you should surrender.

- Like I'd give you that satisfaction, I laugh.

I cry out in pain when she shoots me in the thigh from very close. I curse under my breath, dropping my gun to rub my thigh where it hurts.

- Okay, okay, I surrender!

I see Lucy's face change from worry to amusement. We both laugh before she slumps against the wall next to me.

- And you're the one who told me not to shoot from close! I groan.

- Sorry, it just happened, I didn't mean to, she giggles.

- Tell that to someone else, I laugh.

- Are you okay?

- I'll just have a great bruise, but I'm fine.

- I have some ointment in the bag, it'll help.

We look at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter. I'd forgotten what it felt like to have this much fun. It's been a long time since I've smiled like this. We calm down, leaving a relaxing silence. She slumps next to me. There's just music in the background. It was really awesome. I briefly glance at Lucy and notice she's as euphoric as I am. It seems we both needed a moment like this. We forgot all our problems for a moment. I never thought I'd have a moment like this with her.

- Still, it was cheating... You have more training than me and you knew the layouts.

- I agree with the first point, but not the second. Beth changes the room layouts once a week.

- Damn, I thought I had an excuse...

- You did pretty well for a first time, she admits, which pleases me. Next time, we'll make teams with my friends if you want, and I'll show you how to better guard and hide yourself.

- Next time? I say, smiling

- Hmm, yes, why not. If the opportunity arises.

The idea is appealing. It would mean she'd want to spend more time together. I'd love that.

- I'd really like that.

She smiles back at me. We've made significant progress today. I feel her trust, and it's the first time she's suggested meeting her friends. I'd love to do that. Maybe I'll learn more about her true personality. I patiently await the day she'll want to open up to me like a normal person and not as my superior. I hope that moment comes sooner than I think.

- Can I ask you a question? I ask.

- Go ahead.

- It might be inappropriate, but... If one day I get a pass and you do too, could you show me around the city?

10

- Aren't you planning to go back home on your leaves?

- Yes, of course! I want to see my brother, but why not stay here once? I'd like to explore the city. I don't really feel at home in Barcelona anymore, I admitted.

- Do you think you'll like it here?

- I'm not sure. It's not necessarily the place I like, but the people. I said I wouldn't get attached, but I have to many people. Ale, Leah... Even with you or Ingrid, who I've started to find quite nice since the night we talked.

- I see, she smiled. Why not, then? I could host you for a weekend if you want.

- Really?

- Yes, but no one must know.

- I know, like today. I'm not that stupid.

- Well, she said, standing up. I don't know about you, but I'm hungry.

- Oh, yes!

My stomach growls to confirm my hasty response. I pick up my gun that I dropped earlier and get up with difficulty. I'm already dreading the soreness I'll feel tomorrow. We head back to the locker room, where Lucy lends me her famous ointment. I apply it when I'm back in the changing booth and come out wearing my clothes from this morning. Lucy is ready and is folding her jumpsuit.

- So, Ona, where do you want to eat?

- I'm really going to sound like a teenager... But I really want a good McDonald's. Is there one around here?

- Yeah, there's one right across the street.

- Yes!

Lucy helps me fold my jumpsuit properly, and then we head back to the reception area. Beth asks us how it went, and I tell her I'll be back. My answer seems to please her. We wish her a good day before leaving. The fresh air feels great. It was getting warm inside. Lucy wasn't lying when she said there's a McDonald's right across the street. I didn't even notice it when we arrived. So, we walk over. We order our meals, and she insists on paying for me. Actually, she didn't really give me a choice. That's when I realize I didn't pay for the paintball either.

- You don't have to pay for everything. I can afford it.

- Consider today a birthday present, then.

- You're really annoying! I grumbled. You've already given me gifts, and my birthday has long passed.

- Others would be happy in your place.

I grumble as I sit across from her at our table. She hands me my order since we only have one tray.

- Maybe, but I don't like feeling indebted.

- You don't have to feel indebted, it makes me happy.

I sigh, resting my head on my hand. I sulk, looking around for some distraction. There's no shortage of that in a McDonald's because there's always a crowd. Despite it being almost 1:30 p.m., there's still a lot of people in line at the counter. My eyes linger on a young girl who just walked in. She smiled at me right away. I smile back and allow myself to check her out as she continues to the counter. I must say she's quite attractive. I can't really do this kind of thing at camp. Not only are there not many girls to my taste, but I'm also observed by others. It's Lucy's throat clearing that pulls me out of my contemplation. I let go of my gaze to look at her. She has a smile on her lips and one eyebrow raised.

- Do you want me to help you, maybe?

My cheeks instinctively redden. This is what you call being caught red-handed. I wasn't discreet at all, and I feel embarrassed. It's not really like me to check out a girl. I still don't fully accept myself.

- I-... Um, sorry.

- You are way too obvious

- It's not what you think.

My cheeks heat up even more, uncomfortable with the situation. I

- No, sure, you totally weren't eyeing her.

- Shut up! This is getting embarrassing.

- Then own it, she smiled teasingly.

- There's nothing to own.

- Really. Your words make it clear you don't accept yourself.

- No, it's true. I don't, I broke down.

- I understand.

- I doubt it, I scoffed. No one can understand without having lived it.

I lift my head from my hamburger, faced with her telling silence. She continues to eat as if nothing happened.

- No, wait... Don't tell me you're a lesbian?!

- Okay, I won't tell you, she smiled, picking at a fry.

- No way! Seriously?

- Seriously.

She holds back laughter at my shocked expression. I didn't see that coming. I never would have believed it if someone else had told me. How can she say it so easily? To think I always talked about a guy when discussing her ex. She never corrected me. She probably didn't want to reveal too much.

- So, why don't you accept yourself?

- I don't know, I replied, shrugging. I consider myself as a lesbian the problem is I don't like the way people look at me because of it. I'm also scared of the reaction from those close to me... for what's left of them.

- But you already dated girls.

- Yes, obviously! Well, the first one to be honest... was Mapi...

- From what you've told me, you seem to have a good relationship. Why aren't you together anymore?

I sigh, running my hand through my hair. I hesitate. I don't like talking about myself, but even more so when it comes to my love life. On the other hand, she already knows a lot, and she just confided in me too. It makes me want to talk. I take a deep breath and gather my courage to answer her.

- Um, that's complicated too...

- You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

- No, no, it's fine... You know, I met Feli... I began, to which she nodded. I was still with Mapi at that time. It didn't take me long to fall into drugs after that. I completely changed and somehow pushed everyone away except Feli since she accompanied me through it all... I ended up cutting off all my relationships, even with Mapi, my family, or my friends. That's how we broke up, and I naturally got together with Feli afterward.

- I see. Do you regret your relationship?

- A little, but I can't blame her. I pushed her away. Besides, she's in a relationship now. I can't afford to ruin everything.

- That makes sense. How did you start talking again?

I hate interrogations, but I can't blame her for being curious. I'm the same way. My hand finds its way to my hair again.

- We have a little ritual... Well, I don't like celebrating my birthday. When she found out, we promised to be the first to wish each other happy birthday, no matter the situation between us. We've never broken that tradition since we met. She was surprised I answered her last year since I hadn't replied to any of her messages for a long time. So she took the opportunity to talk, and that's how she learned I was in a rehab center. When she found out, she wanted to support me, seeing that I wasn't pushing her away anymore.

She just nods, not digging deeper with her questions. I usually hate opening up, but with Lucy, it's different. Everything is easier.

- As for your loved ones, I can't answer that. It's up to you to decide when you're ready to tell them. As for the looks from others... she continues. I know it's not easy. It took me a while to stop caring. Eventually, I realized that no one has the right to judge a stranger. Everyone has the right to do what they want. It's our problem if we prefer girls.

- You're right, but it's hard to face...

- It's just a matter of time, don't worry.

I smile at her. I love how she reassures me in any situation. I also love how attentive she is to what I tell her. She shows me that she cares and will never judge me. That's why I like confiding in her. It's the first time I can do it so easily with someone. Normally, I'm always hesitant. Since my detox, I've realized everything she does for me. I didn't notice it before. I'm starting to trust her. After all, she understood from the beginning that all I needed was a bit of support. She was never intimidated by my attitude, quite the opposite. Even now, she continues to manage me and put me in my place when necessary. I can feel her influence on me. She's completely transforming me. Everyone around me, especially in Barcelona, notices it. Maybe I've finally found the person who will pull me out of all my troubles... The one who will make me feel better and become myself again. The road is still long, but I'm ready to move forward now.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for ditching helping my friends on a school project to hang out with someone else? I know this sounds bad.

So my friends are all in an english class im not in and they have a big final project due where they have to make a movie based on the hero's journey or whatever, and I agreed to play one of the roles. I haven't had this agreement long bc they werent originally allowed to let me participate because im not in the class, but the teacher agreed. I also only have a small role that would be two or three scenes at the very beginning and very end.

Everyones had a hellish time trying to schedule together, and theres not a huge amount of time left for the project. Monday was off this week because no one was prepared, thursday and tuesday were off cause two of the people had other school stuff, but that leaves wednesday, friday, the whole weekend and monday as well.

The thing is, everyone was planning on filming on wednesday to get it done as soon as possible- but I agreed to hang out with a different friend wednesday (ill call him Z). Z and i are besties and would spend hours talking every day last year, but since he graduated and has college he's been scary busy, and we've barely been able to hang out at all. We've been trying to schedule a meetup for weeks and finally got free time matching up wednesday, which was prettymuch planned before my friends gave me a role in their project.

I'm not the only person who cant film wednesday, another friend will be gone, and they said thats fine and they'l just film his scenes another day. They seemed really stressed and upset that i couldnt make it, though, but I dont understand why we cant just film mine & his scenes friday or the weekend.

It feels weird too because they're okay with him being gone because he had plans with his girlfriend, but i just have mine with a friend. Many of them know and love Z too and have barely gotten to see Z either so I thought they'd understand. I know I said I could be in the project while still having plans with a friend, but the plans are only one day. & i didnt know everyone elses schedules were so tight too. It's also not my class & this project isnt gonna affect my grade, so I'm not taking it as seriously as a lot of my friends- but the friend seeing his girlfriend is also not part of their class and it wont affect his grade either. I feel like im really disappointing them all but im not gonna pass up hanging out with Z after months of not seeing him in person.

aita ??

What are these acronyms?

[emilycollins00]

Can I request a Kazunari x reader where neither of them is sure if their relationship is platonic/romantic?

Yes, yes, yes!! Literally went from not really sure how to start this to reinventing it all SO fast like-? The only answer I find is that I might love Kazunari too much which honestly, fair.

Please enjoy! 💕

Promise me we won’t let go (Kazunari x Platonic/Romantic! Reader)

Kazunari believes he has -over time of course, he was never this smooth despite what others might believe- been able to gain certain knowledge, regarding other people’s feelings and what they look for.

This obviously carries its own problems as well.

He had already admitted to himself long ago being overly accommodating to keep up with every single soul’s like and dislike he met: Kazunari is so good at listening! in his ears translated to, if he spoke up, he might end up saying the wrong thing -because people like to have someone who listens. Even those you’re so easy-going! came from learning to control his opinions to a degree that his real thoughts felt more like a side note.

Regarding this aspect, Mankai had certainly been an eye-opening experience. A before and after point in his life.

Thanks to everyone at the dorm -and especially his super-amazingly-cool-and-talented summer troupe members buddies- current Kazunari was more confident than ever in standing by what he actually enjoyed. Last week he even turned down quite the bizarre idea for that group project he had to present for his graphics and Illustration course! Like, hello? Yes. Kazunari Miyoshi was proud to say he had grown.

Which lead the blond actor to wonder, after seven Thursday nights in a row spent dancing with you until wee hours of the morning, whether this is the point he should be asking himself if you two were turning into a thing.

Seven weeks, and it's become such a regular thing that both of you have built your schedules around it, changing plans to ensure you two can make it out to the pub no matter what else is going on. He never gave it much thought. You both have known each other for years, after all. And yet-

A sudden buzz coming from his phone distracts him.

Are you finished with your classes? I'm in the cafeteria and I wanna see you before I leave back to the library.

He can’t help but notice his mood lights up considerably when the icon that pops on his screen is from you. Humming quietly, he enters the conversation.

Almost done! On my way~

He adds a few stickers and concentrates again on the professor's instructions about where they'll have to submit their canvas for the exam. Minutes later and learning storaged, he picks up his bag and waves a quick goodbye at the group he shares classes with. It’s almost six o’clock, and the summer actor enjoys the breeze and bustle of people while scrolling instablam’s stories, opting to go straight to where you were. His reflection shows on the phone briefly. He pouts and fixes his bangs. Maybe he should have worn his hat? His roots were starting to grow back and-

“Yo, Kazunari.”

“Oh?” he looks into the direction the familiar voice was coming. “Setzer, my man! What’s up? Never saw you around this time before.”

The purple-eyed clicked his tongue. “Class got cancelled. Talk about annoyin’” A noise from his pocket makes Banri pick up his phone, roaming through it distractedly. “Ya leavin’ too?”

“Ah, my bad. Y/N-pii is on their break at the cafeteria. I’m going to pass by before heading home. Wanna join?”

“Nah, pass. Got a paper due so might as well go and finish it.” Still looking at the phone, the autumn member frowns. “…Talkin’ bout Y/N-san, do ya think they are free next weekend?”

“Next weekend? Probably. Why?”

The autumn member sighs. “It’s Sora’s birthday.”

“Sora… The one we meet that time at the after-party of your club?” Kazunari’s mind goes back to the events just last semester. They were one of the first people Banri had gotten to know from his major at uni and honestly had a blast at the time. “Sounds boom! How are they doing?”

“Fine, I suppose. They have this house near the river where they want to do a barbeque  and has been askin’ me to contact Y/N-san.”

Kazunari thinks about it. You have always enjoyed get-togethers, especially birthdays. Moreover, even the few times you met with Banri’s friends he remembers you commenting how much you enjoyed it. “Mmm… I don’t think it’d be a problem? Y/N-pii is the type to let you know if something comes up anyway so you should totally ask them!”

“Sweet. They have been so freaking’ insistent about it.” Banri sighs, relieved. Yet as he’s about to start writing, he seems to falter, stopping his fingers midtrack. He looks at the blond, and his eyebrow frown confused. Kazunari has lived long enough with him to know he’s debating to say or do something -which is not really typical of Banri.

It makes him uncomfortable.

“Yahoo, earth to Setzer?” he laughs, waving in front of him. “Your eyes are creeping me out, man! You ‘kay?”

The autumn leader takes notice of his own actions and massages his neck. “My bad. I was just… you’re good, right?” he arches his eyebrows.

“Whadaya mean?”

“You know, my friend asking Y/N-san out. ”

Oh.

Should it bother Kazunari to know others were interested in you?

“It’s not like we are dating,” he replies with a short laugh. “Even if we were, Sora seems fun to hang out with, and a barbeque of all things? I bet it’s going to be epic! Remember to snap some cool pics to show off later!” he pats the young actor’s back.

"Okay, okay, you can stop now." This time, he does write on his phone with decision -though Kazunari notices him glancing in his direction one last time. “Then, I’ll let Sora know. Thanks, man.”

“No prob~ careful on your way home!”

Soon after he resumes his walk, another buzz and light come from his screen phone. It’s you again. He looks at the time and understands why you would write. It had gotten late.

Everything okay, prince charming?

He smiles at the nickname. And as a matter of fact, Kazunari feels okay with what just happened. Maybe. Honestly he can’t really make up his mind. But he’s no one to decide who you should hang out with in any case.

Found Setzer leaving uni and stopped to talk. Save me a seat!

Pff as if I hadn’t done that already you silly.

The sudden rethinking about your relationship shouldn't make him this weird.

.

.

.

For the longest time you came to keep certain parts of your personality hidden. The rough, ugly parts. At least in your opinion.

Maybe that’s why you are able to see through Kazunari. A side of him that no one else saw, or at least that’s what your selfish self liked to think. To the world, Kazunari is a friendly, fashionable, and outgoing art student who also handles all too well graphic designs and whatever you may throw at him. Always open to being friends with anyone who crosses paths with him, no matter who they are.

As years pass by, your relationship has unfolded into whatever intimate thing it might have become nowadays. Now, you see more. You see his actual dorkiness. You see the way he gets frustrated with himself when ideas don’t come no matter how much he tries when the answer to the problem eludes him. See how incredibly smart he is. How much he truly loves studying. How selfless he is. You see the faint traces of what you can only call sadness when Kazunari mentions smiling at someone's low opinion of him as a person. How his eyes sparkle when he’s talking about a new art event.

He told you about his old days one time. It made you want to tell everybody who had never bothered to get this close to seeing the real him you didn't try hard enough. Which is why you couldn’t thank more in your mind to Tsuzuru’s unaware assistance for reaching Kazunari and allowing him to become the passionate actor he has come to be.

So yeah, you could say you with confidence you adored Kazunari.

And yet, there was something bothering you for a while.

You two have gotten used to people mistaking you for a couple. You didn’t pay much thought to it since you are both incredibly clingy with each other, and to be fair half of your instablams are photos of the two of you -and others, sometimes.

What you do notice, is that neither you nor Kazunari correct people when they assume so anymore.

What you notice is that you can hardly wait for it to Thursday night and be alone with him, even if you see each other almost everyday. And it scares you a bit.

.

.

.

.

“So! What are you in the mood for before we hit the pub?”

You hum in thought. It’s gotten late, so you are sure the places you two usually go to must be almost full. “I'd like something cheap. This month I’m almost broke-” You sneeze. “Also preferably inside. Didn’t know it was going to be this cold today.”

“Hang on a sec, I gotchu!” happily, Kazunari takes off his jacket and puts it on you, making you sight. That was much better. “Aw, you’re so cute! Stay still!” he coos taking up his phone.

You laugh, letting him take a picture. “’Kay but give me your arm. I can at least give you some heat back.”

It feels like usual. You both decide to try some pizzas at a place near some park and are about to head inside when you hear someone calling your name in the distance. You wait a bit to recognize the person. Kazunari doesn't, mostly because of the talk he had with Banri not too long ago. Assuring he will wait for your conversation to ask for dinner, he takes his phone out to entertain himself.

Not too long he notices you walking back, and it takes even less time to know something is wrong. You are not looking at him, after all.

“Y/N-pii?"

"Shall we go?"

"Sure but are you ‘kay? Cuz I can-”

“No!” you hurry, almost tripping over your words in a rush to cut him up. “It’s- it’s fine.” You say under your breath, moving far from him. “You really don’t want to know.”

Smooth, Y/N.

You whimper, still holding tight onto Kazunari’s jacket. It really does smell like him and you feel like crying at how much it calms you down. You look into the blond's eyes. There's worry. And of course, that's what it takes for you to give in.

"Y/N-pii?"

“…can we sit?”

.

.

.

“One drink coming right up!~”

You watch Kazunari walk towards you with a bottle of water that you open instantly as he sits next to you. This was the last conversation you wanted to have and yet somehow, destiny decided it should happen. You close the bottle. Ok then.

“So!” You finally speak with more confidence than you felt. “Sora invited me to their birthday party next weekend.” Kazunari nodded. That, he also knew. “Seemed fun, so then I asked if you could come too.”

“Me?”

You shrugged, playing with the bottle. “We met them together and I thought we all had a good time. Remember the karaoke?”

“Duh. Who knew their club was so good at impersonating?”

“Right? That was so cool.”

The conversation somehow ends there. A bark in the distance catches your attention.

“...So? What did Sora say?”

You press your lips, leaving the bottle to the side.

“They asked if I was dating you. And I…? I didn’t know what to say.” you take some air and lean back on the bench, closing your eyes. You feel Kazunari tense up and you don’t wanna see it. “Like, I know we are not because- actually I don’t know. I’ve been feeling confused about… this.” You sigh, sitting back again and pointing to both of you.

The summer actor desperately wants to say something. He wants to say the right thing, because you deserve it. He wants you to feel as comfortable with him as it always is. How could something supposedly so… possibly wonderful be so intimidating at the same time?

“Kazu what… are we?”

Again, he freezes like a coward when he finds himself trapped under the intensity of your fond stare. “I-” there’s pressure in his chest. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it lately too.”

“Same.”

Silence appears again. Kazunari awaits a groan, an angry puff, or any type of discomfort on your part. Yet to his surprise he hears a faint laugh. although you fought it, it was there. Free, genuine, hard, and heartfelt, eyes closed and shoulders shaking. It really isn’t hard for Kazunari to imagine a more precious sound.

You infect him. It feels good, to laugh with you. Despite everything, he feels the tension dissipating somehow. “Oh god, I’m so sorry I don’t mean-” he hears you try to explain yourself between laughs. “It’s just- ugh, we are so lame.” you finally express softly. You lean on him. “Like, having a crisis about this? at the same time?”

“At least we can use it for the art.”

“Kazu!”

You rise your head and he winks, letting you know he’s joking. You take his hand, and he squeezes it. The act comes naturally. After a while you speak, although your voice breaks a bit.

“I just- I adore you so much Kazu. And the thought of falling in love with you is great, but at the same time is it really okay for us to roll with it?”

Kazunari squeezes your hand again and leans in to kiss you on the forehead. As he imagined, your eyes are glassy. "You know?" he informs you as he lets go of your hand and hugs you tightly. "Out of aaall the people I’ve known so far in my life, you are totes at the very top. Hey, I’m serious over here!” he insists when he moves away and sees you smiling skeptic. “For realsies, your name is next to like- a bazillion of red hearts! A place reserved for the mega-talented, mega-loving Y/N As long as I’m at least high in your top too.”

“Wha- did you hear a word I just said? Of course you are!”

Kazunari smiles. “Then I think that’s good enough for us right now, don’tcha?”

You sniff and reach out to kiss his cheek this time. "Let’s continue to go out on Thursday nights," you murmur, using your wrist to remove the tears that had accumulated. "Every Thursday night unless you have a performance, in which case I will definitely go see you and then we’ll go out afterward. I don't want to hear any excuses." You let your voice turn mock-stern.

“Hai, hai captain~”

As you get up, the summer member grabs your wrist again. You look down confused, finding a gleaming pair of green eyes, showing his phone.  

“Wanna take a selfie?”

The lights from the streetlights reflect on the back of his blond hair, and you suddenly feel weak on your knees with the most overwhelming relief. You love this person so much. “Sure. It does has been more than a day since we have.” You laugh, and do your usual pose, which is resting your arms around him in an embrace as you both decide what type of filter does match better for the day.

It doesn’t matter if it takes a while to put a name on what you two have. At the moment, Kazunari simply wants to go and spend some good quality time with you.

Which is fortunate -because you feel just the same.

_________________________________________________________

This was difficult but sooo worth it and interesting to write! Thank you for your request.

Wishing you all a wonderful day! 💕

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #66: 3 Weeks Post Op Phallo (Stage 1)

Last update

This one is also going to be more causal and shorter because I am still very tired haha. As always feel free to send follow-up/other questions to my inbox.

As of 3 weeks I can:

walk to the end of the block and back (but feel pretty tired after)

stay up the whole day without napping

have no noticeable pain just taking advil and tylenol

shower, shave, etc. without help

use the bathroom without a catheter

walking down stairs

Things that are still difficult:

walking up stairs

standing for more than about 20 min at a time

bending at the waist

using the bathroom in public

sitting in any chair without a donut pillow (and even then, only for a few hours at most)

lifting anything over about 8lbs (or, one unit of my cat)

I'm cleared as of Thursday to take the subway again, which I am going to attempt to go back to in person ASL classes. Zoom classes are a nightmare for me and double in ASL, and I haven't been able to go to class since Augut and I miss them :(. I'm going to bring my pillow with me for both the subway and class. Even though, I'm sure, it'll wipe me out, I still want to try.

I've had both of my immediate post ops as of now and it's 80% good news. I have no complications and no infections, and I'm excited that my surgeon cleared me to start slowly increasing my physical activity. That's wonderful. I know I'm just one data point, but I just want to add my voice to the crowd that if you're able to go to skilled surgeons and take the phasing process slowly, meta and phallo aren't uniquely guaranteed to cause serious complications; they're just serious surgeries which need to be taken seriously.

The next bit under cut has to do with weight/weight loss and frank language about how the UL is going:

Starting with the 20% bad to end on something more light-hearted. While I was under, my surgical team did a few preparatory incisions to queue up taking the graft in phase 2, and to check if the graft site composition was what they expected it to be.

That answer turned out to be no. Apparently, the skin on my abdomen is too thick to create a safe graft, which means that they shifted my weight loss goal down. I'm not thrilled about this because I was excited to be done, and it's possible to lose it in time for stage 2, but may require us to push it back a month or two. Apparently, if the graft tissue is too thick, adequate blood supply can't get to the phallus and it will die. So I get why we're doing it this way and I'm glad we're not changing the graft site. It would just suck to have to push stage 2 back. The other option is to forgo the UL after all, which would create more room and accommodate thicker skin.

Even though UL was my lowest priority, I'll still be disappointed if I have to ditch it. One unexpected thing I gained in phase 1 was a small UL as part of the meta surgery. Once I got my catheter out (!!!) I found out that I'm experiencing something apparently common during recovery, which is that I temporarily have 2 urethras (old and new). Apparently the old will close on its own but accommodating that has been annoying and kind of funny but I'll be happy when it's over. Anyway, I was surprised at how gender affirming that was and I'd like to keep it if I can.

[flandevainilla]

CLS Spark

I'm not sure if I have anyone viewing my account that is in the US and in college but I still want to share my experience in case anyone else is interested!

Today was the final day of the program, we had our closing/graduation ceremony.

When I originally signed up I didn't see much online so I hope this helps inform other folks!

For starters, CLS Spark is a subdivision(?) of the Critical Language Scholarship. It is a free eight week long summer program of intensive language courses in Arabic, Russian, or Chinese for US college students.

For my specific program, we were parted with 大连理工大学. We had class Monday through Friday for two hours a day. Monday through Wednesday was a new lesson each day, Thursday was review, and Friday we would use the first hour for our weekly written and oral tests. Although it is for beginners, some of us did have a bit more knowledge of Chinese going into the program so we were placed into a slightly more difficult class so depending on how the placement test goes, there is a slightly slower option and faster paced one. For my class, we had homework Monday through Thursday. These consisted of a worksheet of our lesson from that day as well as an audio recording. The teachers were all very supportive and sweet too.

Compared to my other language course experiences, I did actually enjoy the structure of it a lot. I will mention all the activities in order and my experience with them!

听写/Writing Dictation - At the start of class the teacher would say 5-10 sentences depending on the script which we would have to listen to and write down. If the script was memorized, usually most of them were direct, if not paraphrased, passages while sometimes they were slight deviations but overall the same thing. After a while I personally struggled with this, I've been a lot better with reading than listening and like to have my handwriting a neat. Because of this I could process the beginning of some sentences but not necessarily the ending. She would repeat each sentence two to three times depending on the length.

读课文 - This one is pretty straight forward. We would take turns reading paragraphs or certain characters' lines. Although we were expected to go over them before class, this was also an extra way to really review the information while listening to other people as well. Questions - Finally, the teacher would ask us to put away the text and then ask us questions on the context. If you're like me, I have AuDHD so my memory isn't the best, it can be difficult. You could give good responses, but some of them do require a specific grammar that was used in the text so there are times where you would definitely need to really get down the grammar or memorize the text properly. If we finished asking questions for the entire lesson and had enough time, we would be asked questions somewhat related to the topics and themes in it.

Grammar! - This is basically a separate class. The first hour includes everything I mentioned above with the first teacher and then for the next hour we would review grammar. It was a lot more relaxed since we wouldn't necessarily have to memorize exact phrases. Our teacher would hold up a piece of cardstock with a grammar pattern then ask one of us to read it aloud. Afterwards she would ask us a question where we could give a free response using the grammar.

In both sections, we would also at times be asked what someone else said sometimes so that we could get extra practice in but also test our listening skills.

The written test consisted of about three pages of varying exercises. At the beginning there was always a portion for hanzi. This was about eight or so spots where you would write the hanzi corresponding with the pinyin written above it. After that there were some half filled short dialogues where you would fill in a response using a grammar or vocab word if it was next to it.

The oral test was a little silly but very open, I don't believe this was actually graded either based on everything I've seen grade wise. Essentially they would share three topics, usually all pertaining to a theme in our lessons for that week. Our teacher would then have a pick a random piece of paper with a number on it that corresponded to each prompt. These were pretty relaxed and if there were certain words you weren't aware of they would give some help if you did ask them for it. They would also ask some follow up questions here and there but usually all were related to what you were speaking about.

Next I would like to talk about culture classes! During my time in the program we had two options, tai chi and cooking. As someone who is a bit more body conscious I chose cooking. It was really relaxed and the teachers were really sweet. We would get our ingredients lists on Wednesday and have class during the second hour on Friday. The teachers were not professional steps so they made it very clear that we were all learning together and that mistakes are okay. With the ingredients, we reused a lot of the same ingredients so after the initial trip to the store you really wouldn't have to get much again aside from like 2-3 items. In my case, my ginger went bad eventually so I had to get more but aside from that I pretty much had all the same condiments throughout the program.

After the midterm, everyone was connected to a language exchange partner. The other classes had two students per partner and in mine we had one each. My partner was studying to be a Chinese teacher so I believe other language partners probably were as well. We met with our partners for half an hour every week.

Outside of the actual classes and stuff, CLS did offer a few things as well. In the weeks leading up to the start of the program, there were affinity groups held by program alumni. There were a couple of different groups ranging from stem majors to lgbtq to poc students. These basically just gave new students a chance to connect with other students and also get any worrying or curious questions answered. We also had a mid-program survey and afterwards and OPI test. Taking even another step back, students received a $750 stipend from the program. We also get access to an alumni network as well as competitive free eligibility for government jobs. I also opted in to receive academic credit but it is optional. We are also considered semi-finalists if we would like to apply for the following year. With all of that out of the way, I will just share my final thoughts on the program. I personally really enjoyed it. Although I definitely wasn't the best student I did improve tremendously in that time than I think I would have while self studying. I also got to really reflect on what learning methods work for me and what don't as well as what my strengths and weaknesses are with languages. Although it was a bit of a bummer, it did really show me how I can make more improvements with learning languages moving forward and that I am really grateful for.

Previously I wasn't really aware of much of the culture either. With how sporadic and random my language studies have been in the past, I didn't really sit down and have consistent and thorough exposure to the cultures of the languages I was learning. This really helped me see the importance of really taking the time to sit down and learn about them in addition to the languages. You get to interact with it both through the culture classes but also the actual language content. From my experience, a lot of dialogues are based off of workplace or social situations so you get more talking rather than background information. With this course, it was different so I really appreciate that I kind of received a double combo with it.

That is all I really have to say about it, if you have any questions please feel free to message me!

[litnerd]

Update on studies (weeks 2-6)

Yup I realize I've not updated in a while. I've been to London for a few days, been sick two times in the course of a month (my immune system is so shitty that I've decided to go back to wearing a mask in lectures) and am now insanely stressed trying to work through every bit of homework that built up during that time :')

A little update on goals I've set for myself just so that I don't lose sight of what I want to do:

- Practice sign language every day.

I actually love the course, it's very fun but I keep only repeating the exercises a day before or on the same day as the course. I wanna do at least 15 minutes of sign language practice every day.

- Finish my term paper.

Yeah, I still haven't finished it simply cause I haven't had enough energy to actually sit down and do it between or after classes. I need a free day, which is hopefully gonna be this thursday, to actually sort out everything. I hope I'll finish it until the 9th of December.

- Stop watching youtube (until the term paper is done). I've successfully gotten off of Instagram, Tiktok etc. but now it sometimes happens I watch YouTube videos for an hour instead of doing something else. And honestly even if I can't concentrate on something productive I'd rather sleep. Or read a book. Or write. Honestly, fuck passive entertainment.

- Go to bed 11 pm latest.

My sleep schedule reverted back to being horrible because I keep texting friends once I don't have classes out of fomo and text them until like 2 in the morning.

That's it. Hopefully once I'm less stressed you'll get a more detailed update. :)

[patalipat-blog]

Biryani, sopas, at kape

I need to learn how to balance being kind to myself and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.

It's Sunday again. I planned to start my day early but I guess the fatigue has really caught up to me. Last Wednesday marked my first month here in Elbi, but I still haven't completely adjusted yet. I've been so used to my weekday-weekend routine for the past 8 years; I'd hustle at work from Monday to Friday, then I'd spend my Saturday-Sunday doing errands, lazing out, walking, eating, basta tambay galore lang haha. Now, yung weekends ko apart from personal errands like laundry, I still need to study and do lots of reports. I have anticipated this, though, kaya I really pushed for full-time study leave. Thankfully, it was granted.

This week was good to me although it seemed like a blur. Last Sunday, after Tumblring I did some work then went to the church at 5pm. My foggy mind already forgot the Homily huhuhu, but I remember getting struck by it. Small bump on the road lang yung bland coffee na nabili ko in the eve, but it still powered me through the night writing my lab report about stem cross-section.

Kasoooooo during the Plant Anatomy class on Monday, gagi wala pang 30 seconds na nakatayo ako in front, our Prof already said stop, repeat the lab work because my sample was too old na raw haha! Kinda got stunned but we just laughed it off. We really love how our Prof is so sarcastic and tactless, but so fun and informative. She's not a really great teacher (she's a University Researcher, not exactly a Prof), but she's very good in showing us how to analyze our photomicrographs. You just have to be very quick in taking note of her points, and organizing them later on.

Anyway, after class I really committed to doing overtime for my Plant Anatomy lab works for the rest of the week. I spent my Monday afternoon, whole of Wednesday, whole of Thursday, and half of Friday sampling plants, free-hand sectioning them, staining them, and viewing them under the microscope.

(My workstation for the past days)

Grabe super lula na ako everytime I'd go out of the lab at 5pm haha! But Tita Susan and Sir Jeff are reaaaaaally very accommodating Lab Technicians hehe. Sarap ng spaghetti ni Tita Susan huhu! Mas nakavibes ko rin mga Plant Anatomy classmates ko because of our lab hours.

Super hirap makakuha ng maayos na cross-section hehe, may times din na okay na sana yung sample ko kaso nasisira whenever I fix it on the slide or I stain it and flood it with water huhu! But I really learned a lot. Scared lang of course, kasi di ako naggogloves tas carcinogenic pala yung stains hahaha!

(Some unedited photos of my specimens under the microscope)

I really don't like microscopy haha! Ever since! I also get easily bored inside the lab, gusto ko nasa labas lagi. But perhaps it also stems from my lack of practice. So far, halos nagamay ko na rin yung free-hand sectioning and microscope manipulation. Hindi ako proficient, but I'm still excited to teach my students this new skill.

Last Tuesday also, holiday dito pero we did lab paperwork for our Forest Ecology lab on species mapping. Amazing, yung isa ko palang groupmate ay lowkey lang pero marami nang publications huhu! She's a URA (University Research Associate), taking MS also. Our other groupmate naman is from Baao pala hehe! Tas kapatid din siya ng former student ko. Basta super small world hehe. Our other two groupmates couldn't attend but I hope to know them further din in the coming weeks. Last Thursday afternoon and Friday, we plotted our transect for our lab on forest floor cover. Nakakatuwang matuto from our undergrad groupmates on how to plot the bearings for the transect. Talagang dapat specific yung compass directions, di pwedeng basta basta lang.

(We're actually two groups here. Uso collab ftw hehe!)

May utang pa ako sa kanila huhu! Di ko pa nagagawa yung part ko sa species mapping lab! Why? Because after doing Plant Anatomy labwork last Friday, I prepared naman for our Pisay Bikol Tulong Dunong 2024. I was tasked to teach Scientific Method and Variables to 240 Grade 6 pupils via Google Meet. Nakeri naman hehe, medyo napuyat. I was already dreading having signed up to this tutorial, kasi of course imbes na restmode na I needed to shift my mindset back to being a teacher and prepare materials pa diba.

Oks naman though hehe. Suuuuper fun naman yung naging discussion! I lowkey was kinda scared, I didn't know how to sustain the attention of the Grade 6 kids lalo pa at online tutorial. I did away with the lengthy lectures, I just did some diagrams and planned on giving test drills tas I'd explain them later on. But honestly, whatever I prepared, kulang pa pala haha! I had to do on-the-spot illustrations and explanations of how the Scientific Method was used in understanding the real world. Nachallenge din ang understanding ko! But things went well naman, they were so rowdy sa chatbox kaya I had to turn it off several times, then turn it on kapag I need responses from them. Overall, feel ko nagets naman nila nang maayos yung Scientific Method hehe! Napahaba lang talaga sa explanations, and sa chikahan on the side! They had so many questions about Pisay, and of course I was so willing to respond naman, bilang alumnus.

(Some screenshots)

I hope they enjoyed hehe, kahit na magulo rin ako mag-explain at times. In fairness, sabi naman nila gusto nila ako maging teacher hehe! May Round 2 pa ako though, next Saturday. I'll squeeze Variables and Biology in just 2 hours huhu sana kayanin! Another win for me pala this week was finally being able to go to the gym! Last Tuesday, kahit super busy I really pushed myself to go at lunchtime. Typical bakal gym, pero mura naman and hindi crowded, tas mabait naman yung coach on duty, though they wouldn't really focus on you for the entire time unlike doon sa gym ko back in Goa. Tas yesterday, after the online tutorial nagrest lang ako then late eve I went back. Ngarag!!! Pero kinaya naman hehe. Sobrang tahimik namin kagabi, minding our own routines haha. Hanap ngako gym buddy, para may kausap naman kahit pano. Nevertheless, it's still a win for my personal health!

As for today, I woke up late and super sakit ng katawan because of workout kagabi haha! Then I went to the Sunday Market again, had biryani (sobrang sarap!), finally yung naamoy ko last Sunday natikman ko na now haha! Tas sopas, and laaaaarge coffeeeeee!!! Sobrang nabitin kasi ako sa small cup nila last week haha, kaya nagpalarge ako now kahit pa juice cup yung pinaglagyan nila haha! Nagtakeout din ako sopas para sa housemate ko na jusq hindi pa pala natutulog, dami raw kasing acad work and org work. I was happy na finally nakapagbuy ako ng food for my housemate hehe. Nahihiya ako syempre, kasi yung first 2 weeks na stay ko rito last Aug, hindi na nila ako pinabayad. This Sept na lang daw ang start ng rent ko. Tas parang for the past weeks ang lutang ko and tahimik kaya baka naisip niya galit ako or what haha, pero sa totoo lang sobrang dami lang talagang iniisip. Especially financial!!! Kaya mabuti na rin kahit paano umokay2 na ang financial stance ko now, although marami pang dapat ifix.

Oh, and just as I was writing this, napansin ko nag-emerge na from pupa yung adult moth na iniincubate koooooo!!!!

(L: Improvised rearing chamber; R: newly emerged adult moth)

Naamaze ako, finally being able to observe these. I felt daunted when I collected the larvae and then they started to pupate na kahit nasa plastic pa. Tas nung trinansfer ko sila dito sa rearing chamber, I was lowkey expecting that they would all die. Pero hey, nabuhay!!!

(L: moth larva; R: moth pupa)

Last Saturday also, yung shield bug nymph na inalagaan ko, nagmolt into adult stage after about a week. Amazing!!!

(From the green-colored nymph, to the white-colored molting stage na akala ko nasugatan siya at nagbibleed, to the brown-colored adult stage, soft pa ang exoskeleton at that point)

Ayun na muna siguro for now hehe. At the moment, I still need to do laundry (papalaundry shop na lang kasi laging mahina araw the past weeks, di bumabango handwashed clothes ko). Tas magsisimba rin, and I still need to write 1 lab report for Forest Ecology, 3 lab reports for Plant Anatomy, and 1 proposal for my Special Problems (sobrang napabayaan ko na ito dahil minarathon ko yung Anatomy!). Kaya ko ba? Kayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Go go goooo!!!!

[annieintheaair]

Some things they get lost and then get found, and some things are better the second time around.

It's funny how some things come back around, and I was thinking, what if we just let the past sink into the deep end, we could just pretend we never moved on, pick up right where we were last... Let bygones be bygones and don't leave a good thing gone too long.

I am obsessed with the new Troy Cartwright album that was just released this week. The whole album is amazing. To summarize, he sings about love lost. It really gets you thinking. The song Bygones was confusing to me initially though I loved it the first time I heard it. A bygone, by definition, is a thing from an earlier time. When he says "let bygones be bygones" it first makes you think he's saying to let those of the past go but deeper into the lyrics, it's clear that he's saying to leave the past in the past but don't let a good thing go for too long and pick up where you left off (before it went wrong and ended).

By definition, "let bygones be bygones" means to forget about unpleasant things that happened in the past, and especially to forgive and forget something bad that someone has done to you. Now that you know what the song is about, go listen to it and let it just rip your heart wide open. I mean, the lyrics really speak to me.

Anyway, this last week has been busy. I was able to fit in yoga classes nearly every day and had somewhat of a self-care week. I got my hair done on Wednesday and my hairdresser, Nikole, asked me if I'd be a hair model for an upcoming photoshoot, which is pretty exciting.

I started a new bible study on Thursday morning. We're studying Jude and it's a 7 week study. Kathryn was able to get me moved into her group and it seems like a great group of people. I'm really excited to be part of it.

On Friday, my landlord came over in the morning and put up curtain rods for me so that I could hang my curtains, finally. Curtains make such a difference!

After my landlord left, I drove to Hideaway Pizza since they're opening a new location in the next town over. I signed up to get some free takeout and ended up with a pizza, salad, and baked ziti. I stopped at Black Rock on my way home because I needed some caffeine.

Friday afternoon I had my first microdermabrasion facial. It was pretty amazing and made my skin feel so clean and clear. I bought a 2-pack on Groupon so I have another one in a few weeks.

When I got home from work on Saturday morning, I decided to go get my lashes done. I never do fake lashes but love the Keratin lash lift and tint. It's perfect because now I can skip wearing mascara and avoid getting it in my eyes when I sleep during my ODANs at work. Immediately after that, I ran home quickly and then went to a yoga class in Dallas. One of my favorite instructors, Destiny, instructs there and since my regular studio near my house closed down this week (I had two final classes this past week with Heather), I thought it would be good to try a new studio. I am still feeling the effects of that class!

After yoga, I went to the nail salon for a mani/pedi. I love going on days off from work so I can have a drink and they make the best Blue Hawaiians.

When I got home, Marx came over and we went to Total Wine and then jumped in the pool for a bit until I had to get ready to meet Jillian for dinner. We went to Quartino, which was pretty good, and then walked around a night market until I got too tired and had to head home. I was going to meet Eric and Matt at Truck Yard but I had no energy left. I literally went home, put my pajamas on, and crashed on my couch immediately before finally going upstairs to bed at midnight.

Sunday morning I was supposed to meet Matt at the lake for a Trump parade but I couldn't get myself out of bed until 10am and then ended up going to church. I ended up having a pretty lazy Sunday, which was actually a good thing considering work was pretty hellish last night having to deal with weather delays, mechanicals, and then pilots going illegal. We got to Tulsa so late that we had barely any time to sleep. When I got home this morning, I got a few things done and then took a nap on my couch.

I guess I felt some sort of motivation when I woke up this afternoon because I finally put my lamps next to my bed. Since it was my third time installing them, it went super quick. I feel like now I finally have the hang of it. It's good to know that I'll be home tonight and that's done.

Tonight I'm going to a RoughRiders game with my neighbors and Marx. We got tickets for the lazy river. For years, I have wanted to float the river while watching the game but never did it. When I received a text the other day with a special price to do it, I texted everyone and luckily they were all down to do it for Labor Day.

Anyway, I'll end this post with the new Troy Cartwright song, Same:

Are you up late Cause you can't sleep Does your heartache For some used to be You say you'd feel a lot better If we put it back together Like nothin' really ever changed

You say you think about us all the time Keep talkin' girl you're readin' my mind You're wishin' that we never said goodbye Well right back at ya, yeah it just so happens That's the same thing I've been doin' Since it all went up in flames

xoxo

Annie

[hejscandinavia]

The past three days have been eventful! Thursday we had a professor who studies whales in Greenland! It was cool to hear her work and listen to different whale songs. Apparently, she flies back to Greenland in two weeks to escort the King and Queen of Denmark and talk about her research! Crazy! It's odd how near me there are several castles with royal families inside them. After class, I went with three people to Tivoli, a theme park in Copenhagen! Fun fact, it inspired Small World in Disneyland/world! It's a bit pricey to get in, about 25-ish dollars, but it was fun to look around. It was small for sure, with many of the rides lasting only 90 seconds and being as tall as four-story buildings. Definitely not worth $7 per ride. However, one of the people I went with was able to get two so I got to go on the rides for free! They were still fun, the two being the best were the dragon loop ride and the high swings which had an aerial view of Copenhagen! We then went to an Italian restaurant to eat. I had Gnocchi with an Aperol Spritz. Very nice! It was funny how there were more older people eating at the various dinners in the park than families at times haha. On Friday, my class went to the Rosenburg Botanical Gardens. We went to look at the various Arctic plants on display. The plants there are very small and short to conserve energy. One of them we got to eat and it tasted like Rhubarb. I'm hoping to officially visit the gardens and the castle next Sunday after Svalbard. I was going to today but I wanted today to be a lazy day so I could rest up before the 5:30 am flight grrr. After that, DIS had an event at Bakken, the world's oldest theme park! It was built in the 1580s I believe next to the King's hunting grounds. Three of my classmates and I sat around and talked with other DIS students while we ate local cheesy chip snacks, donut apples, and granola bars. We then went on a walk through the deer sanctuary which was the original hunting grounds. According to the guides, the king would have the dogs chase the deer until they were so exhausted they would fall over and then kill them with a knife. Quite brutal. We saw a few of them. The deer here have bigger faces and look more rugged than whitetails in the US. We also saw a huge tree that was around 800 years old! After the walk, we went into the park. Like Tivoli, it's small. We got one free ride which was one of the world's oldest wooden rollercoasters! It was pretty fun and sped up quickly going up! As it was older, the ride animals looked a little creepy. Also, there are lots of paintings of naked women. Very different from American theme parks let's say. I had a hotdog and a Nutella crepe which were pretty good. Saturday, my future roommate McKenna and I wanted to experience Sweden's Midsommar. Sadly most of the festivities happened on Friday when we had class. So we looked and found that Helsingborg had one in the afternoon. We first went to Malmo to get some coffee and talked. Afterward, we took the train to the north. In total, about 2 hours. The event was in a heritage center based in the 1880s-1950s depending on what part of the "town" you went into. However, the employees dressed in traditional garb. I participated in some of the dancing but felt kind of silly as it was more for people who grew up with the tradition or were little. But it was still cool to experience it! It was misting the whole day so we were quite soaked. They had some traditional desserts too. One had rhubarb in it but it wasn't super sour. There was also a rose garden and it smelled so good! I don't know what trees were in the area, but they also smelt lovely. The town reminded me of Alice in Wonderland but the forest was more Narnia. McKenna and I had pizza for lunch and McDonalds for dinner. Excellent choices for a travel day lol.

[qippabtch]

The Roof is on Fire: Part 1 (Backstory)

Content warning: dead pet, house fire

"The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire."

These were the lyrics from the song he showed me upon dubbing me "Fire King." A crudely-photoshopped image of my face superimposed onto the profile of Fire Lord Ozai became my contact photo in his phone. The nickname came after my best friend Andy and I spent a weekend up in a rural woodland cabin. After assuring me he'd be able to start the woodstove fire-- after all, hadn't our families first bonded over a shared Boy Scouts troop?-- it started to seem as though we were fated to spend the weekend shivering. "Let me try," I said.

Begrudgingly, he offered me the lighter and wad of newspaper kindling, scooting aside to give me access to the stove. It took me a while, and for a few minutes there, his smug look told me that he'd doubted my ability to do what he couldn't from the beginning. But then, I figured it out. The trick was to keep at it, starting small with sticks and brush, before easing the heavier logs into the flame and allowing them to take gradually to the flame. "Hail, the Fire King!" Andy cried, feigning a royal bow. 

The fire seemed to catch so slowly, I couldn't imagine how things like house fires got to be so out of control. After all, if I couldn't WILL the logs to catch, what did a modern house made to resist conflagration have to worry about?

I wouldn't find out for another few months.

It was a Thursday in early May. I had been hired at the Deaf school two weeks ago, and I was just starting to settle into the job. It wasn't what I wanted to be doing, but it was a job, and since I was living rent-free with my parents, I could put all of my money towards those pesky student loans. One of the perks of living at home was my dad's willingness to occasionally trade cars with me, bringing mine to the mechanic for me so I didn't get ripped off. 

That's why I didn't answer the first time my little brother called me. Or the second. I figured, he's mad because I have Dad's car. I knew he wanted to buy it off of our father, and he probably had scheduled some preemptive appointment to tint the windows or have some other modification done. But by the fifth or sixth consecutive call, I figured I'd have to address him eventually. When my coworker came  back into the room, I asked if she could handle the class for a minute. 

"My brother is spam calling," I told her. In sign language, this looked like "MY BROTHER / CALL / CALL / CALL / (eyeroll)". As I slipped out I told her: "I've just gotta make sure it's not an emergency."

In the nearly deserted hallway, I didn't worry too much about letting some irritation creep into my tone when I answered. "This better be goddamn important," I told him. "I'm at work."

"It is," he responded, just as rudely. "The house is on fire, and your cat is probably dead."

My first impulse was to laugh. "Very funny," I told him. "What's really going on?"

I felt the buzz of my phone and saw that he was trying to FaceTime me. That's when it hit me that he wasn't kidding. With trembling fingers, I accepted the request, and the first thing I saw was the blurry feed of our house, and a big red firetruck in front. 

Dazed, I sank to the ground in the middle of the school hallway. I opened my mouth but nothing came out at first, so I tried again. This time, my scratchy, dry voice made out, "Is... is everyone out?"

"The family is safe," he assured me. "Mom was at work, Dad's here with me." (And of course, the other brother was out of state for college.) "It's only Tilly they can't find."

Tilly.

I took a shaky breath and cleared my face. It was imperative that my students never see me as anything but happy or neutral.

 "Everything okay?" my coworker asked as I reentered the classroom, face a blank slate.

I shook my head imperceptivity. 

She gave me an inquisitive look. I glanced at the students, none of whom were looking my direction. Still, I shielded my hand with the other as I signed two words: HOUSE, and FIRE. Her eyes widened, and she shooed me away, silently telling me to take care of myself and leave the classroom to her. 

I nodded once and left the room. I was going to cry; that much I could feel in my gut. I sought out the office once dubbed our team's "designated cry room." But when I slipped around the corner, I was brought up short by the sight of a closed door. This meant Jen was either interviewing a new applicant, or meeting with a prospective family. Next door to her, however, the program director for the hearing program also housed at the school seemed to have an empty office.

“Hi,” I said, poking my head through the open door. “Are you busy?”

She looked up, surprised. “Not really,” she admitted, her brows furrowing.

“No meetings scheduled--” I checked my watch, "--in the last two hours or so of the school day?”

“No…” I could tell she was wondering why someone from the other program was looking to speak to her, but before she had the chance to ask, I closed the door behind me. 

“Great,” I said, collapsing into her chair. “I need a place to cry.” 

Out from under the prying eyes of students and curious TAs, I could’ve let the floodgates open, but some latent instinct allowed me to first dial the first emergency contact on my phone. 

Andy picked up before the first ring ended. “I heard,” he said. 

A silent gratitude welled up inside of me, in spite of everything. I melted like hot wax, and the tears came silently as I curled up on this strange woman’s office chair. 

“Tilly,” I whimpered. 

“I know,” he said. “We’re going to find her. Do you need me to come get you?” 

I shook my head, which of course he couldn’t hear. The voice I was able to manage was hardly more than a croak. “No.” 

Not-Jen looked at me, bewildered. She asked me the question, what is going on? without words. Her eyes searched my face, and I imagined she was wondering if either program had ever had to section a new hire so quickly. Mental breakdowns were common enough in a place like this, but only a few ended in institutionalization. I pictured, hysterically, this woman slowly reaching under her desk for a secret button, like a bank teller in a robbery, alerting squads of uniformed people armed not with police-issue .45s but straightjackets and tranq darts. The idea was so comically ridiculous that I found myself laughing through the tears, surely only reinforcing her notions regarding my sanity. 

I told her simply, “My house is on fire.” 

This broke her frozen expression, and her face melted into one of sympathy and concern. “Is everyone okay?”

Lifting the phone again, I said to both her and Andy, “My family is all accounted for. The only one missing is my cat, Tilly.” 

She made a sound like a squeaky toy being stepped on, and stepped around her desk to sit in the chair beside mine. Her hand was steady on my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” she murmured. 

The sob was loud and choked, and I stifled the next one, concerned the occupants of the adjacent office might overhear. Not-Jen introduced herself as Cheryl, and I let her put her skinny arms around my shoulders as I continued to weep. Andy spoke soothingly from somewhere far away, giving me updates as he got them through the steady, reliable grapevine that interlaced our families. My family was in the care of the Red Cross. The fire department had gone to a second alarm.

Cheryl tried to console me, too, telling me, “I’m sure she’ll be fine. Cats are incredible hiders."

But they didn't find Tilly until the fire had been extinguished.Tilly, my cat, the first pet that was ever only mine.

It was my mom called me next. I was in my dad's car, sitting in the back parking lot, trying to decide where to go. Home? What would even be left of it? They wouldn't have put my parents up in a hotel yet. It was too soon. I was just settling on calling Andy when my phone rang.

"Mom?"

I could hear her tears when she spoke in a broken, tiny voice: "They found Tilly."

My heart sank into my stomach. "And-- I mean, is she--"

"I'm so sorry, honey."

I don't remember what I said. Maybe I didn't say anything, and just hung up. The next thing I remember is crying harder than I can remember crying in my adult life. The catharsis was immediate and relieving, and I knew as the weeping spell wound down that I would call Andy.

When I arrived at his place, Andy's mom greeted me with a hug that seemed to last eternity. Whitney is a short, plump woman from whom Andy had inherited his ocean-blue eyes, and in her arms I felt small in spite of the six inches of height I have on her. Like a little kid whose auntie took on the roll of secondary mother without needing to be asked. She didn't make me talk, and I found it comforting to remain in my silence, a state uncommon to one as loquacious as I am. I curled up in a ball on the corner of their brown leather couch, sinking endlessly into the deep cushions as though it could swallow me whole.

I stayed there, practically comatose, until Whitney insisted I let her buy me some essentials. She handed Andy her credit card and told him not to think twice about the expense, and soon enough we were on the way to Walmart.

I picked out a toothbrush, some travel hygiene essentials, some sweats to sleep in tonight and a set of fresh work-appropriate clothes for the next day. I didn't bother to style the outfit to match my usual pseudo-gothic preferences, but simply tossed some clothes that seemed close to my size into the cart. Andy added some snacks and a gluten-free frozen dinner for that night, and a bandana. Black, with red roses, matching my aesthetic perfectly. I hadn't even thought about my bandana collection, but Andy, my best friend since the first grade, knew me better than anyone. To this day I have that bandana, the first in my new collection.

On the way home, I fiddled with the music. Usually, Andy and I would bicker about what to play in the car, but I guess having your house burn down wins you some privileges because he let me have full control of the aux.

The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire.

"Wow," Andy remarked. "Your Spotify algorithm is really insensitive, huh?"

"No," I said. "I picked it. I made a playlist."

His brow furrowed, and he leaned over to look, but I smacked him away and snipped something about watching the road. "The last thing my family needs is for all of us to survive a housefire only to have one of us die in a car crash," I remarked.

His eyes bugged for a second, and then we were both laughing. At the next red light, I showed him the playlist, comprised solely of fire-related songs. "If you read the titles in order, they kind of tell a story," I said. "See? Lithium and Battery, because it was a lithium-ion battery that started it. Lady Gaga's 911, because the first thing you do is call 9-1-1, and Get Low because they tell you--"

"I get it," Andy said, chuckling darkly. "This is so morbid."

"I think it's funny."

He looked at me for a moment before informing me, "Your sense of humor is broken."

I thought about that for a long time, and then suddenly I was laughing. I couldn't stop laughing. I tried to answer his demanding gaze, but I got as far as "What do you call--" before I burst out again. Andy laughed with me, puzzled, but content that I didn't seem so miserable anymore. Finally, after several false starts that dissolved into hopeless giggles, I got the set up of the joke out.

"What do you call an elusive psychic who survives a house fire?"

Andy, already groaning, generously humored me. "What?"

"A rare medium well-done," I choked out, and then we were both howling. It's probably sheer luck that we didn't crash on the way home, because the rest of the drive was spent in hysterics, the two of us taking turns volleying all of the fire-related jokes...

"Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Many soles were lost."

"My grandfather always said, “Fight fire with fire.” He was a great man, but a terrible firefighter."

"Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks!"

...while the stereo played that old familiar song, and we laughed at the sheer absurdity of it all. The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire...

And that's when I knew I'd be okay.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - Games

*Warning Adult Content*

Emmett

This morning, after Finnegan left, I finally got around to going through my mail from last week.

Most of it was crap, of course but one letter surprised me so much that I sat down before opening it.

I didn't expect to hear back, I just submitted a few photos on a whim while Finnegan was in Michigan.

I'd thought that having something to look forward was good even though I knew I didn't have a chance.

But now I'm holding a letter from the Maryland Arts Council.

Every fall they offer a class and then do a huge photography exhibition that gets seen by important people.

People who launch careers.

People who make money for people like me.

I guess they could be nice and respond to all the applicants.

That's probably it.

Until I open it I don't know if I've been accepted or not.

It's like that dead cat in a box.

I might have gotten in.

Once I read it, I'll know I didn't.

Not that I expected to, I've never been able to devote the time and energy into it that I want to.

Some people don't have jobs and bills to pay and have parents to buy them great cameras and all the lenses they want.

I have to make do.

This class, shit, I can't go even if I want to.

Job. See? So it doesn't matter, I'll just open it.

I rip it open and then pull the letter out gingerly.

It's folded in three and I slowly flatten it out on the table.

Dear Mr. Emmett Locke.

Shit... SHIT... Holy shit I'm in.

Damn.

I'm floored, honestly and damn proud of myself.

I can't accept... I'm not free from 9 to 5 for two weeks in September and October but that's okay, just knowing I got in is enough to get me excited about working on my pictures from the beach.

Unfortunately I have to work so the pictures will wait until Thursday when I'm off.

I head to the garage and let me tell you, Peter is glad I'm back if the sign, chocolate bar and little note saying 'better you than me today' is any indication.

We have cars in both bays and two parked out front, they got a little backed up last week so I spend the day doing two sets of brakes and some transmission work.

When I get home Wednesday evening, Finnegan is gaming.

His tongue is out and he's laser focused.

He's at least taken time to get out of the monkey suit and get himself a drink but he doesn't even look at me when I walk in.

"Hey darling."

No answer. Okay?

I go get cleaned up and out of my dirty clothes and then start on dinner.

Once the pasta is cooking I sit down next to him.

I didn't see much of him Monday or Tuesday, so much for not needing to be in the office, so I'm glad he's home for dinner tonight.

"Short day for you. I'm glad. Dinner in about ten minutes."

"Not hungry, wanna play."

Okay, I've been patient.

"Did you have dinner, Finn?"

Because if so, when I got home would have been the time to tell me.

"Nope."

"Then you'll eat when it's ready."

"No."

He's never been this bratty before.

I wonder if something happened at work today or if this is just from having no little time Monday and Tuesday.

Maybe he's in withdrawal after last week.

I snake my hand down behind him and press against his hole right through his undies.

"You'll do what I say, Finn."

He's still trying to play but I lean over and nibble on his neck.

"Emmett."

"For being a brat you can come set the table."

I know this game autosaves so I grab the remote and turn the TV off.

"No, Emmett. That's mean."

"Ignoring me when I got home was mean, Finn. Telling me you won't eat the dinner I made is mean. I think you desperately need a lesson in how to treat me."

He's not mad now, he's smiling.

"I like lessons."

He follows me into the kitchen and grabs the salad, taking it to the table.

Before long we're eating, I just had to drain and sauce the pasta and he is shoving food into his mouth.

Not three minutes later he hops up, drops his plate in the sink, mumbles a thank you and disappears back into the living room.

Nope, not happening.

I finish eating and when I head out he's playing the game again, of course.

He hasn't even sat down, he's right up against the coffee table as if it'll help him play better.

I haven't done that since I first started watching porn.

I decide that if he's going to play... I'm going to play with him.

I grab the lube and then yank him down onto my lap.

"A good little boy doesn't treat his master like this, Finn. Now you're going to make it up to me."

"No, Emmett. I'm playing. Gonna beat the boss."

"I'm the boss, babe but you can keep playing. In fact, I insist."

I grind my cock against his ass while palming him.

He squirms, pressing against my hand.

"It's hard, Em."

"Lots of things are hard."

Our cocks, playing while being messed with, life.

"Lift up."

I manage to wiggle his undies down and then I perch him on my knees so I can really play with him.

I decide to hold him by the balls and start opening him up with one finger.

His thighs are flexing and he's clenching around me but managing to play, somehow.

I wonder how long he can do it.

Eventually I have two fingers massaging his spot while I slowly jerk him off.

He finally tries to put the controller down.

"Feels so good, Emmett."

"Uh uh but you keep playing. Your game is more important than me, so you just keep going."

"Is not, I'm sorry."

He tries to turn around but I hold him in place.

"Not yet you're not. Keep going."

He picks it back up and I tease and mess with him for another twenty minutes.

There's a rivulet of sweat going down his back and I've lost track of how many times he's died.

"Please? Please Em. I need you."

"I thought you wanted to beat the boss and you haven't yet, have you?"

"Can't concentrate Em. need lovies."

"Is that so?"

I love playing with him but I only have so much self-control.

I nudge him forward and he ends up on his knees, chest resting on the coffee table.

"Keep playing, Finn."

"No, want lovies. Please Em."

Well, if his hands aren't busy holding a controller.

"Show me... hold that little ass open for me."

Damn that's sexy as hell.

I really like his hands back here and he does have a sweet, sweet hole.

"You've been a very naughty boy, Finn."

"I know, I'm sorry Em. Will you hurt me?"

He's begging for it, he wants it rough.

Fine.

"You deserve it. You shouldn't ignore your master because when you do, you'll get in trouble and you, little boy.... are in big trouble."

Time to make him scream.

[neuroborreliosis]

2.3.2024

friends fall by the wayside but we don't want to let them go, lest some precipice open its lip and swallow them whole.

what to do with all the feelings that come up? how to write them before they are dampened?

how to write about feelings when you're so accustomed to big feelings that they don't even feel so big anymore?

i haven't written an update in the better part of a week. i've been crocheting a lot, mostly. i'm making a shrug for myself, with big flared sleeves. it's coming along - the neck/chest is complete, and i'm almost done with one whole sleeve. then i gotta crochet the next sleeve and it'll be complete.

i've also been depresso sauce. i guess. not anything sensational, just the afternoon doomies reaching down from gray skies to wrap around me.

i think it's from the antibiotics. but maybe it's from lack of sunlight. but i'm taking vitamin d! maybe it's from being alone in this big house for hours while dillon and jules work all day. maybe it's from having the energy sucked out of me by spirochetes.

i don't know what to say. i gotta say something. i'm here. i'm shitting regularly again, at least. i ate a burger two nights ago, and salmon last night, after going too long without a good hunk of meat. i felt so weak. i feel a little less feeble since i got some boosts of protein.

my one friend in particular, whose name i won't mention (i don't want to put his shit on blast) is going through it. he always is. he has been for several years. we met at my third high school, city-as, the one i actually graduated from. we had a class together and sat next to each other and found out that both of us were really into film and wanted to make movies. we swapped movie recs, we talked about cinematography. he was also a talented photographer of all things very nyc. all of us city-as homies used to go to what we called "thirsty thursdays" at the galleries in chelsea. the school was in the west village. after school on thursdays, like clockwork, we'd trek up to chelsea and go to free gallery openings, where we'd look at the art and get drunk off of free wine and beer that they served at these things. it was awesome. sometimes, we'd sneak into gallery stairwells to smoke weed. sometimes we'd walk the couple blocks to riverside park to light up. either way, this was definitely a highlight every week. this friend of mine, he would come. and later, after we'd all graduated, he actually had a show there! his debut photography exhibit. this kid could go places. he had something, a special kind of sight, that he gave us all through his photographs. he's still around, but for the last several years, pretty much since high school (almost ten years ago, jesus! i feel old) he's been dealing with dope addiction. he can't afford a phone, hasn't been able to for years, but we keep in touch over instagram, which he sometimes gets to access on other people's phones, and he calls me every so often from random numbers. he usually is asking for money. i throw down, because i love this kid. i want him to be safe and i don't want him to have to do sex work for money because i know for a fact that he hates it. anyway, he called me last week for money. i told him i could send him a few bucks, but that i'm broke and what money i do have came from my gofundme and it's set aside exclusively to be used for lyme disease treatment.

i dunno why i felt the need to write about this. maybe because i'm just sad. i'm sad for him, for the loss of his father to suicide, for his dreams and his brilliance shelved. i know what it's like to be deep in addiction, and it hurts so goddamned much to know all i can do is be here for him. it hurts so much to know that i can't make things easier, that i can't make him want to stop using. i just hope he keeps up with his art - he's also a brilliant writer, by the way - and that he finds a way to keep at it and share it with the world. and i hope he stays safe and warm and out of harm's way.

[iwannaban0nym0us]

time for a ramblely post about my life because i'm actually really happy rn

so my partner holy shit they're so amazing i don't even know how to explain it but everything they do just proves how incredible they are,, like we haven't said "i love you" to each other but i feel 100x more loved by them they i ever did by my ex who must have told me they loved me at least 100 times

ok btw i have no idea where this post is gonna go it's probably just gonna be a bunch of random thoughts all lumped together

so uh the reason i've been fairly inactive lately is because it's robotics comp season! Our first comp was last weekend meaning that the week leading up to it I was super busy trying to help get all the things to work (they still didn't lol) friday and saturday were insanely long days that were fun but also so tiring

we barely got things working in time on friday to clear inspection and make it to one practice match and then on saturday we had the worst possible schedule (first match of the day, a random match, last match before lunch, then 2 10min turn arounds, and then last match of the day) the most stressful part of the day was when in the last match before lunch we overextended our arm, pulled out all of the electronics, broke the extension spool, and got 25 penalty points. we spent lunch trying to fix all of that and also change out wheels (we didn't have a chance before because of our shit schedule) and also someone thought it would be a good idea to swap intakes but then we had to unswap intakes because the new one was too big and then the two very fast turn arounds after that were hella stressful

we actually ended up wining our last match of the day tho and i'm very proud of that since i took lead on the strategy talk before the match

then sunday we had a better match schedule and won one lost one so we ended quals 39/42 and therefore didn't go to playoffs, and me being the so so smart person that I am decided that since the other goalie was out sick it would be a great idea to go to my soccer game that afternoon (after 2.5 long tiring days of robotics)

And so I did and by the end of the game i felt like i was gonna fall asleep and i don't know how i managed to make several good saves and we only lost 5-0 (2 of their goals were super lucky tho) I am really glad i went since i got to see an ex-teammate and teammate who might quit the team soon for running and i hadn't seen either of them since last season

this week i've had a bit more time and monday i was so so so tired that during my freeblock which i usually use for hw since i have no free time i just hung out w/ my partner and was like half asleep the whole time, me and my partner also skipped an assembly on burnout because we were both too tired (they had a vaulting comp at the same time as my robotics comp) also tuesday i skipped soccer because of the weather so i got a whole afternoon off

over the next 2 weeks i'm only gonna have 5 days of school because we get next wed-fri off for conferences and then i'm at robotics the following thurs-sat which i think is kinda funny

uh anyway shifting gears,,, thursday i had my gender and sexuality class w/ my ex and since the teacher was out we spent the whole time in small groups talking about quotes from our hw reading and I ended up w/ a friend and my ex and ofc my ex felt the need to read out each of the quotes which normally would be like whatever but for some reason that day i just could not deal w/ their voice or their strong opinions on stupid things

there was one point where their voice had gotten to me so much that i just kinda zoned out and then they had the audacity to ask me if I was ok and that threw me for a fucking loop because when we were dating the only time they would notice something was off was when i was tired not when something was actually going on, like the day where they caused me to have a mental breakdown i was very clearly not ok that afternoon and they didn't say a single thing despite us having class together and so for them to say something now despite me having made it clear we're not friends ??????????

also i was in this state where I was torn between why does their voice still hurt me so fucking much and why don't i hate them more they did some really shitty things to me and i'm just so confused how i can feel both of those things about them and aaaa i just want them to go away

ok this has gotten long enough and i have some things i need to do so i'll probably reblog this later to talk about yesterday :)