#but I’ve started thinking about the young justice aspect and it’s slowly taking over

[criminalmutantsins]

Top 10 Favorite Young Justice Characters

10. Jaime Reyes/Blue Beetle

Starting off the list is Blue Beetle. Young Justice introduced me to him, and I was hooked. He’s probably the most mellow and calming voice. His arc and relationship with Bart (friendship or not) were my favorite aspects of S2. They bounced off each other in every scene. I was very disappointed when Jaime and Bart were sidelined so much, and hope S4 changes this (particularly with Bart).

Jaime in the number 10 spot since he doesn’t really have much of a memorable personality. Still love him to bits though.

        9. Will Harper/Red Arrow

Funny enough, I did not like Will. He was an asshole in S1; S2 kind of changed my mind about him but not enough since he didn’t appear as much. What really changed my mind was the episode “Private Security” (S3 Ep.4). I started looking back into Will’s storylines and, I have to admit, his is probably one of the best character development.

The first season had him unwillingly living a lie and betraying the people he cared for. In season 2 he was so consumed into finding the original Roy for five years, not even caring or focusing about his own life. I felt really bad for Will because he was probably going through an identity crisis and thought he couldn’t live his life without finding Arsenal. Probably felt guilty.

Seeing him living his own life and being happy with his daughter was so heartwarming. I smiled every time Will appeared in the latest season (totally ignoring the Will x Artemis fiasco), especially with Lian. I’m very proud of him.

I feel bad for putting him so low, yet I adore the next characters more.

 8. Garfield Logan/Beast Boy

I have been a massive Beast Boy fan since Teen Titans so you probably can imagine how excited to see him. His origin story was unique and his brother-sister bond with M’gann was very sweet. It was pretty weird seeing how much younger Gar was than Dick, but I got used to it. I was bummed that Gar wasn’t in S2 as much; however, S3 truly made up for it. 

After watching Beast Boy being a great leader in S5 of Teen Titans, I wanted a leader-like and more mature version of him. Young Justice truly delivered with Gar being the leader of the Outsiders. It’s nice to see him treated with respect rather than as a joke because that was my biggest gripe with Teen Titans. Though it was weird seeing him not crack a joke at all.

Gar’s story with his mom was heartbreaking to see. I literally cried seeing his reaction to revisiting his trauma in S2 and S3; I just wanted to hug and tell him how awesome he is. My only complaint with Gar in S3 was that the Outsiders weren’t established until near the end of the season.

His voice actor being Greg Cipes also gives him extra points (He’s a chill guy and radiates BB energy).

 7. Dick Grayson/Nightwing/ Robin I 

Sorry to all the hardcore Nightwing fans.

I love Dick (don’t get any ideas), but he doesn’t get enough development in the spotlight. One of the things I really wanted to see from him is his growth as a main leader, and his journey to becoming Nightwing. I was really bummed when these happened between the first two seasons.

To be honest, I don’t have as much to say about him other than straightforward qualities I enjoy about him.

1.His Voice (it’s so soothing)

2.His Personality (very charismatic)

3.Very Handsome (Probably in the top 3 my most handsome YJ Men list)

I put him higher than the others since he made a lot of contribution to the story and his new words (gotta love that aster!)

6. Megan Morse/M’gann M’orzz/Miss Martian 

If I made this list during S1, M’gann would have probably been in my top 3 (maybe even No. 1), but S2 didn’t give her any brownie points.

I really liked S1 Miss Martian because of her kind heart, awkward girl next door personality. Her trouble fitting in the beginning reminded me of when I was going through a time in high school; seeing her having trouble as well helped me feel not so lonely. M’gann powers were (still are) my favorite since I am a big fan of mind-like powers. I would feel so powerful. Watching her identity crisis(?) arc was great too. I’ve had trouble feeling comfortable in my own skin as well as my social anxiety (I’m a mess) and I could understand how scared Megan was of her friends’ thoughts on her true form. 

Oh boy. Season 2 basically ruined her. Learning what she would do to enemies was terrifying to see and left me wondering what happened to Miss Martian that made her step this far. What she almost did to Superboy was almost unforgivable. You do not try to manipulate with your boyfriend’s mind when you guys have an argument! Shame on you M’gann. If Superboy hadn’t forgiven you then I wouldn’t have either.

Good thing S3 somewhat redeemed her. Her kind heart was noticeable again and she refused to do that mind trick again (thank god). Very excited for the Superboy and Miss Martian wedding! Please creators, I beg of you to not skip over it. I want to cry my eyes out in happiness!

 5. Kaldur’ahm/Aquaman/Aqualad 

Now we’re in the top 5 with Aqualad (*ahem* Aquaman) starting it off.

Creating Kaldur was the best decision the creators ever did. I love him with all my heart!

He added diversity to the original team and was a great leader. S1 was not his breakout season, though the second season definitely was.

Kladur played the villain so well that he deserves an automatic Oscar. I never doubted that he was with the heroes, but he didn’t disappoint. My favorite part about Aqualad’s performance was when he rose from the ocean slowly like a cliché villain (he made it work), and the line he said right after he “killed” Artemis; it sent me chills. Love it! 

Pretty disappointed that he didn’t appear as much in S3. Very happy that he is a part of the LGBTQ+ community and is in a happy relationship. I’m a part of the community and loved that there was finally some representation in one of my favorite shows. Even so, I have to criticize how rushed and sidelined it was. I hope Kaldur and Wyynde’s relationship gets development.

 4. Kon-El/Conner Kent/Superboy

Like Will, I did not like Superboy at first. Mainly angry and volatile characters were never really my cup of tea. I do understand why he was upset and felt bad for him; I just handle anger the direct opposite as him. My love for Conner started growing around the end of S1. He was very sweet towards Miss Martian (bless him for not caring about her appearance) and his anger was in control.

Season 2 pretty much switched my opinions on him and M’gann. It was awful what M’gann almost did to him. That scene with him being so sad that what she did ruined that special bond they had almost made me cry. I wanted to give him a hug. He grew so much too since I don’t think he would have handled the whole M’gann drama as well in S1. A lot of furniture would’ve been broken.

I gotta admit something. I almost put Conner near the bottom (maybe no. 7). A comment in a poll in Amino changed my mind. I wrote a poll asking other fans who did they prefer SB or MM. At that point I said SB, though I didn’t think much of it. Someone (specifically yjfangirl) responded “Superboy has the best development in the show.” This had me thinking about how far SB has gone. In the beginning, Conner was an angry guy who felt alone and rejected by the person who he was meant to emulate. Now he is happier and living for himself rather than to be the next Superman. He’s getting married people! A little detail I noticed when rewatching S3 was Superboy mentioning to new characters that they weren’t obligated to be a hero because of their abilities. I adored this! The main reason why Superboy was created to be Superman if the original ever died, and another one of Luthor’s puppets. But he strayed from that pressuring path and is doing his own thing. Conner doesn’t want other people to feel like he did. What an absolute pure soul.

Also, yjfangirl, first I want to say Hi (*waves*)! Then say thanks for writing that comment. It made me really think about the bigger picture with SB and my love for him as grown exponentially. You probably didn’t mean to do that, but I still want to thank you. 😊

 3.Wally West/Kid Flash

We’re in the elites now.

I don’t know how to explain it, I just love Wally. He makes me laugh, and his character growth was great. At first, Wally was this cocky flirt who didn’t take the hero work as seriously. That changed in “Cold-hearted,” one of my favorite episodes in the series. This was when I really started seeing more of Wally than being this dumb flirt. It was great seeing him actually caring about helping people since I believed for a long time that he wanted to be a superhero to just have powers rather than actually protect others. The regret in his eyes when he thought his impulsive behavior killed Perdita helped me see who he really was- this somewhat arrogant speedster who had a kind heart. Episodes that can make me change my perspective on characters are truly special.

I was very upset that he wasn’t in S2 a lot. I understand why since he gave up the life, but I was still bummed. Seeing him being so loving and protective towards Artemis was amazing. Spitfire is my favorite ship and I will not give up on them. All I want is a happy ending! The penultimate episode of S3 was a hint that it will happen. Watching the S2 finale was heartbreaking, I cried watching him disappear, his love for Artemis being the last things he said. Artemis’ reaction did not(I just wanted to hug her). 

I have more to say, though I’m leaving it for another post. 😉

 2.Bart Allen/Kid Flash II/Impulse

Picking between Bart and Wally for second place was tough. Took me a while to decide; I’ll talk about it later on.

The moment Bart made his appearance, I absolutely adored him. He is amazing and I live for his hyper, fun attitude. His arc and relationship with Jaime were my favorite aspects of S2. What can I say, their chemistry is great to see.

That scene when he was meeting the Flash family was so adorable. His excitement was infectious and spoiling his dad and aunt’s births was hilarious! I watch it occasionally whenever I need a good laugh or reason to smile.

Unlike most time travelers- at least the ones I’ve seen- Bart was very involved with what was going on and befriended his biggest enemy- evil and weirdly huge future Blue Beetle. He was pretty careful about disclosing very important information and took things very seriously. You never know if disclosing everything was the thing that brought the world to chaos.

What I found interesting was his choice on how to interact with everyone. He seemed pretty gloomy in the future, but decided to portray this cheerful, devil-may-care attitude to be more likable. I understood (still kind of do). I had terrible mental health issues and I pretended to be happy in front of loved ones because I thought they wouldn’t care about me anymore. Bart got some brownie points for that.

I was dissatisfied when his role was greatly reduced. I wanted the creators to go further with Bart by revealing his past and how it affected him. He was pretty much comedy relief. You couldn’t imagine how disappointed I was, especially with it involving my second favorite character. Season 4 better change that.

I know that you shouldn’t assume a character’s sexuality, yet I really hope Bart is gay. There needs to be more clear representation and Bart can be one of them. I’m also a Bluepulse and Bartuado shipper (fine with either one as long as Bart’s bond with each of them stays strong).

Anyway, I mentioned that I would explain why I chose Bart for 2nd place over Wally. It mostly stems from wishful thinking. I really want S4 to have Bart as a main character since I believe the future will be strong plot point in the season. Development could surely happen such as Bart opening up more about what he went through. Let all those feelings go.

I’m going to write an article on my hopes for S4 when a release date is announced. Bart and Wally will most definitely be talked about.

 …..

We are finally near the end!

And my No. 1 favorite character is…

Drumroll please!

…

..

.

1.Artemis Crock/Tigress/Artemis

That’s right people!

Artemis Crock, original member of the Team and daughter of villains!

She is such an inspiration to anyone who wants to go their own past without their parents’ support.

It’s hard to describe how much I love Artemis. She’s brave, strong-willed, and a kind person. It’s crazy how great of a person she is after all the terrible things that happened to her. I look up to her because I don’t have a healthy relationship with my parents (verbal and mental abuse) and there are times I don’t feel strong enough to stand on my own. I want to carry the amount of strength Artemis has as my own.

After all that happened in S2, it was amazing to see Artemis come back to the team and train the new generation. It must have been hard to walk away from a safe, comfortable life for a chaotic, dangerous life. I admire that in everyone, but I hold more respect for Artemis since “the life” “killed” Wally. I wanted to hug her so bad.

She’s also one of the kindest people in the show, the events in S3 being the best example. When Zatanna was crying about her dad, Artemis was there to comfort her. It was so sweet! Roy and her also took in Halo and Terra like they were a part of the family; the archer treated them like the best big sister. That rainstorm scene was heartwarming to the core.

Wouldn’t Artemis be an amazing mother? Lian and her have a strong bond like a mother and daughter; I loved it, and Lian is in good hands with Roy and Artemis. Though Jade deserves a chance to be a mother. Artemis also seemed to enjoy taking care of those kids in that S1 episode. Wally too. You guys know what I’m guys insinuating. 😉

Get ready for some fanfics on that someday.

My favorite Artemis-centered episode was the second to last episode of S3. I was waiting for this episode centering around Artemis missing Wally and learning to move on. It was great yet heartbreaking. Nothing bad happened. That Will and Artemis kiss never happened. Everyone makes a mistake. No matter how terrible it was.

Anyway, seeing Artemis and Wally living their lives and having a baby gave me life, even if it was fake. It was a vision of the future. I will believe this until there is confirmation that Wally will not come back.

Did anyone else cry when Artemis was so desperate to, but Wally wouldn’t let that happen (the real Wally would do that)? They are a great example of a healthy relationship with all the love and support they have for each other. I want that.

[akatsuki-shin]

Review: 默读 Mò Dú (Silent Reading)

Notes:

(Very) long post ahead

Contains spoiler

This is my personal review and does not represent the entire audience, you are free to agree or not agree with what I’ve written here

Feel free to reply/send me a message if there are things you want to discuss

Using the Donghua poster because it fits the overall story more than the Audio Drama cover. :'))

Summary:

Yan City is a bright, bustling metropolis filled with all sorts of wonders, all sorts of people. From the richest occupying the city's most prestigious residential areas to the poorest huddling together in rundown slums, from the most fortunate blessed with a life of comfort to the wretched deemed to struggle until their last breath, from the virtuous walking in the path of light to the wicked lurking under the cover of darkness.

There is as much good as there is evil, and days gone by, people coming and going along with the passage of time.

Since their first meeting during a certain case seven years ago, Captain of the City Bureau's Crime Investigation Unit Luo Wenzhou thought he would never see eye to eye with Fei Du, son of a well-known conglomerate who inherited his father's position and wealth after the latter fell into comatose due to a near-fatal accident three years ago.

Words as sharp as knives dyed their bitter exchanges, even their personality was like the heaven and earth; the bold, blunt, and straightforward Luo Wenzhou - and the astute, secretive Fei Du, with his beautiful peach blossom eyes and a smile that is not quite a smile seducing countless people, his very presence seems as if it was covered under layers and layers of deceit.

Every single time they meet, they would always part on bad terms. Yet Luo Wenzhou would never have thought that a seemingly ordinary murder case of an ordinary deliveryman would lead him into the mystery of multiple long forgotten unsolved cases, turning over the Yan City and the City Bureau itself upside down, making him question his faith to those he respected and trust - and along with it, opening a door to the truth of Fei Du's past never once known to others.

STORY: 9/10

At first glance, the overall plot of Silent Reading seems neither extravagant nor exceptional. It's just one of those police drama where the main leads had to wrestle in a battle of wits with the villains looming around them, struggling to outsmart each other and eventually, bringing justice to those who deserve it.

But that is exactly what is so good about it. Silent reading could take all of those cliche and packed them into one nerve-wrecking, enticing journey from start to finish, complete with both intense and amusing interactions, and just the right amount of romance that does not disturb the flow of the main story.

And it actually does have its own uniqueness.

In most police dramas I've ever seen, the enemy is usually either a corrupt high-ranking official committing some hideous criminal acts by abusing their authority, or an individual/group with some very extreme values or obsession. Silent Reading, however, have both of those two most general types of villains in the story and what's more? It pits them against each other, pulling around and forcing the main leads to wreck their brains, slowly unravel the tangled mess until the truth finally comes to light.

The action and suspense, the atmosphere, the analysis, everything was almost impeccable to the point of perfection.

I have to especially give my kudos to how the author (Priest) structured the mystery in such a way, connecting one dots to the other from beginning to end. During the first few cases, I thought the resolution of the case didn't feel very solid, as if there are still some details that have yet to be properly elaborated. Yet halfway through, I realize that there is actually a bigger plot that encompass everything, tying all loose ends together.

And here, I would also like to highlight my two most favorite scene.

The first one is in Chapter 114-115 when Luo Wenzhou finally peeled of Fei Du's defense and for the first time exposed his true feelings, making Fei Du faced and spoke what he truly felt for Luo Wenzhou - that he really, actually did care for him. Their entire interactions and development up to this scene fits so well with these two main characters. There was no nonsense, no sappy crying and needless drama. Luo Wenzhou was as blunt as he was desperate and Fei Du, for once, admitted to the truth straight out with his own mouth.

The second one is in Chapter 157. In this case, one of Fei Du's most trusted men and an extremely important witness (that would later become their ally) were being chased and surrounded by thugs hired by their enemy. At this point of the story, the City Bureau was already in turmoil. Luo Wenzhou was suspended, nobody knows who they could or could not trust. Yet still, his subordinates all set out swiftly under his command and followed him to save the two witnesses, appearing at the most critical time.

It was actually a typical scene that exist in many police action drama, but given the development of the story, the well-built character relationship and interactions, I think it is Luo Wenzhou's coolest scene in the entire story and it makes me admire him a lot as the main lead and a leader figure.

One thing that does not quite sit well with me is Fan Siyuan's obsessiveness towards the late Gu Zhao. His motive for the crime was clear and I understand that he was using Gu Zhao's case as an example of injustice. But his extreme emotions whenever Gu Zhao was mentioned seems strange, even baseless. It makes me think whether he considers Gu Zhao as his own family or he was maybe madly in love with Gu Zhao, whereas in the entire story, unless I'm missing something, I have only ever known that Gu Zhao was Fan Siyuan's student - nothing more, nothing less.

CHARACTERS: 9/10

Silent Reading has a balanced, yet still very much appealing casts, from the major characters to the minor ones. Even the suspects and witnesses each had their own distinguishing features that didn't make them look like they were just there as canon fodders.

The composition of Luo Wenzhou's team itself is ideal; they've got the dependable leader, the smart advisor, the best friend and trustworthy right-hand man, the genius nerd, and the dependable aide.

I especially like Tao Ran (and I think most readers would agree with me). While he looks like the typical good guy type, he really, truly is a very good person. It's hard not to find him lovable. His relationship with Chang Ning was as cliche as it could get, but hey, as long as he's happy. Dude deserve it after everything he's done.

As for the two main leads, they are probably one of the most interesting couple I've found in the past few years.

Individually, Luo Wenzhou is the type of character I always like. He is confident to the point of having a narcissistic streak, but all of those are based on real talents and experiences. He speaks bluntly, but he cares for others through his action. He does not sugarcoat things and speaks the truth for what it is. Everything about him simply screams "reliable" as a leader (and a significant other to a certain someone). He deserves all of the respect and loyalty his subordinates gave to him.

Fei Du at first looks like a complex character whose real self is hidden beneath countless coats of pretense, but at the core, he is just a pitiful young man who does not know how to value himself, does not know how to love and be loved due to the abuse he suffered during childhood in the hands of his sadistic father. Despite his composure, his intelligence, his capability, he is almost like a lost little child, wandering in the darkness, going wherever the flow would take him until Luo Wenzhou pulled him out of that abyss. It is nothing less than commendable that he could restrain himself from succumbing into his father's manipulation, even if he has to correct himself through such extreme means for a long time.

And I'm glad that now he has someone who gives him the love he has long since been bereft of.

With Luo Wenzhou, Fei Du finally has a color in his life, someone to make happy memories with, and someone who genuinely love him for who he is. Likewise, with Fei Du, not only Luo Wenzhou got someone he could genuinely care for, he also finally has a place where he could relax, taking off the strong front he'd been putting before others all day long.

It was just so fulfilling to see two characters growing from "cat and dog" into inseparable lovers. They weren't sickeningly sweet, but just two people who are content with each other and would be each other's strength. I was especially happy when I saw how Fei Du changed his phone's ring tone into the one Luo Wenzhou in the extra chapter.

Now that I've finished reading this story, these two straight up went to the top of my all-time most favorite pairing list. But of course, this is just a personal opinion. Luo Wenzhou and Fei Du simply hits all of my favorite tropes, that's why. 😂

If I really have to point out one mini flaw, I suppose it's that the main villains aren't as appealing as the rest of the casts. They were practically overshadowed, even by some minor characters that only appeared for a short while.

TECHNICAL ASPECTS: 9/10

Just some very minor complaints:

1). When the story first introduced Fei Du in the beginning, it felt kind of abrupt. The narration had only been addressing him with his physical appearance, but suddenly they changed it into "Fei Du" with barely any proper start.

2). The international conference in Yan City (Chapter 2) was supposed to be a background information of the general setting of the first case, yet it was not properly mentioned at the start - rather, one sort paragraph about said conference was simply being slipped in the middle just for the sake to be there.

3). The switching of scenes between characters in the 3rd person POV are sometimes too quick with no signs of incoming transitions beforehand like taking shortcuts.

And by that, I mean that other than those three issues above, everything else was nothing less than perfect.

OVERALL SCORE: 9/10

A realistic story with perfectly balanced action, mystery, suspense, and romance - with a dash of comedy sprinkled at the right time and place.

Reading the novel from start to finish was nothing less than enjoyable. Whenever there needed to be a flashback or explanation, it didn't feel like info dump being thrown in all of a sudden.

I would like to point out a bit about the Zhou Conglomerate Case in Book 3.

Personally speaking, I think this is the most realistic case out of the others, and by that, I don't mean the crazy rich family drama.

The other cases in the books are something that to me feels "faraway"; murders, child trafficking, psychopath, organized criminal gangs. Yet in Book 3, due to the nature of the case, it was posted publicly for all to see, and damn if it didn't bring out the most annoying thing I actually hate in real life.

Clout-chasing media, meddlesome netizens commenting without thinking on the Internet, spreading personal information of the involved individuals without consent, handing down judgment based on rumors and personal opinions even if they have nothing to do with it (and know nothing about it), crashing the website due to mere curiosity, further hindering the police working on the case from doing their job.

They weren't thinking about those actually involved in the case, especially the victim. They don't care, or maybe don't even think that their meddlesome acts could cost a human's life because they see everything as mere passing entertainment. And if something were to happen because of their meddling, the most they would say is, of course, as quoted from Chapter 72:

"I didn't do it on purpose"

"I wasn't doing it to you"

"I didn't expect this to be the outcome"

"From a certain point of view, I'm a victim, too"

Even if I was just reading a fiction, at that moment I truly wished I could shut down the Internet for a bit. 😂

Anyway, amazing story. I might re-read everything from the start again when I have some free time.

[deepdarkdelights]

Hello love! I’m the one who wrote to you about the potential inspo for a story. Again you can throw it away or use it, it doesn’t matter haha. I just truly enjoy your writing so I thought that if anybody could make something out of nothing, it would be you. Anyways, I was inspired by the picture above. Oh and I was going to send you this anonymously, but then the picture wouldn’t have been saved (and I’m super shy about this lol, seriously I’m blushing).

Story Begins:

The world holds its secrets, and I hold mine. Deception is never formed by intention, it’s mere collateral damage based off promises and dreams of distant futures.

My dreams were based off my family at first. Based off my brother and mother. Based off the memory of my sister.. But that’s all in the past, and now that I’ve awoken from the imagery of delusional hope. I’m left to deal with the cost of my deception.

—————————————————————

“Mr.Kim, I see you’re yet to finish you’re meal. Oh my! You couldn’t even have a bite?!” The petite young woman shrieking at the untouched meal moved forward to retreat the “warm” mushroom soup that was meant to be in the belly of her boss by now.

With a heavy sigh “Mr.Kim” turns around in his chair. Face still in concentration from whatever is in his hands, he reaches toward his cup of coffee (the only thing for consumption that didn’t occupy too much time).

His secretary stood in front of him speechless at his lack of response. Yes Mr. Kim was young for his profession, his grayish blueish strands contrasting from the dark wool of his turtleneck, his glasses modestly framed to his face, and shiny gold watch that clung to his wrist all precedent to what would be considered a young bachelor -but no, instead this demeanor belonged to a top detective in the field of criminal justice.

From what Jisoo, his secretary knew of him, he was a very bright and professional detective. She was aware of his battle with prostitution rings in South Korea, who’s successful case landed him a job in the New York station of private affairs and criminal justice, where he also succeeded in bringing down one of the most influential law firms for the involvement of illegal transactions and drug smuggling. His work on the field had provided him with a private, yet comfortable life. Not long after his station in the New York City department of justice, he and a couple of team members were asked to work for the The General Directorate for Internal Security in France.

“Jisoo, I know we both were born in Korea, but could you please drop the formalities? I’ve known you for 3 years now “, said the heavy voice in the chair.

At this Jisoo felt a pang if guilt for her earlier charade. Mr.Ki-Na..Namjoon’s voice sounded tired. ‘Of course he is’, she thought to herself. He had spent the last 2 years and a half perusing an unamed organization whos’ motive was unclear, but actions centered around the illegal transaction of money.

“Jisoo? Are you even listening?” The young secretary looks up, “Sorry what was that?”

“I guess I’m not the only one who has had a rough day. I asked you.. am i not a nice person?” At this Jisoo meets the eyes of Namjoon without hesitation.

“What?”

“Have I been mean to you in anyway? Have I thrown your sandwiches out or made fun of those ridiculous pens you bring to work?” He asks with his eyebrows comically lifted.

Jisoo, finally understanding where he is getting at responds, “Not until this point you haven’t”.

“See! We even banter for crying out loud! If that doesn’t scream friendship I don’t know what does!” Namjoon is practically out of breath delivering his sermon on how good of a friend he had been throughout the past three years until it gets to the point where Jisoo has listened to it twice.

“Okay, okay! Enough... friend”, it’s not that she dislikes thinking of Namjoon as a friend, but more of the fact that she doesn’t perfer to associate herself in that aspect with any of her coworkers -much less higher ups. Her lack of attachment also has to do with the fact that back home, in the same position she stands today, she had seen a handful of her beloved coworkers in caskets in no less than 5 weeks of knowing them. However, despite all of this, she can’t deny that Namjoon has acted out the role of a bigger brother during her stay in France, especially in the sense of bringing her Korean food from one particular restaurant on the outskirts of the city. Their relationship has always been comfortable and despite his undeniably handsome features, there was no physical attraction between them... it was nice.

“Okay now say it with enthusiasm, as if you actually like me. Come on FRRI- “ all the sudden the phone rings. Jisoo turns to quickly take her exit, but not before she hears a curse from the man who was a second away from singing the friends theme song.

‘Namjoon i really hope you don’t come close to catching these guys’ she silently prays. She knows the consequences of bringing justice, she’s seen the red splatter that the name decorated itself with.

—————————————————————

“Joon this just turned from a fraud to a murder scene. We are not just talking about big investments, but the murder of two prime ministers and the chief of justice in Germany.”

Namjoon looks at his fellow detective and reaches out for the stack of papers near his desktop. “What did Germany say?”

Yoongi, his literal partner in (fighting) crime answers with a simple, “jack shit”. “They don’t believe it’s connected”.

“Then why do we?” Namjoon at this point is at a dead end yet again. This same secret organization has plagued his office walls, desk, and even bed for almost three years. It’s normal for a case such as this one to take time, but when your teammates and you are specifically placed in an international office for one specific case, it gets a bit frustrating.

“Because.. both the German officer and the Prime Minister in Bordeaux had their tounges taken out.”

“What!?” Had this been any other criminal investigation, this piece of information would not have surprised Namjoon. This however was not just any case, for the duration of his stay in France, and the additional years he was not assigned to this area, this was the first similarity between the crimes. Whoever these people were, made sure to not leave a single message, nor fingerprint, nor act of pride that would give them away. It was almost as if these crimes were committed themselves, and the world was forced to accept it for the time being.

OKAY IT IS GARBAAGGÉÉ, but hey if it works as inspo I’m all for it. Oh by the way, the first part is from jungkook’s perspective. When I initially started I thought about there being a mysterious “sister” aka y/n (didn’t plan out how or why she disappeared yet lol), and because I’m a garden hoe for yandere, I thought about making jungkook slowly progress into a ridonculous yandere. As you can see it’s a bit all over the place. But anyways, I freaking love your writing and throw this away or change it up or use it as it is, it’s all yours.

Ps. Love ya

Hello my lovely!

First off, I am so proud of you for being brave and sending this off of anon! I know how vulnerable that can be, so thank you really for feeling comfortable enough to do so!

Secondly, omfg you have skill! Like I was getting into it and I legit screeched when I realized there wasn't more to read! You did so well sweetie!

Moving on, I really enjoyed this, I don't think you realize just how much skill and potential you have as a writer. I want to read more please!

I do really like this as a concept, although I am coming off of an investigator Joon fic so I think I would need to take a break from that theme lol.

I would like to talk about this more if you're up to it, I think you should pursue this idea because it has great foundations. Let's talk more please you little genius you!

P.S. (ILY TOO 💜💜💜)

[musicprincess1990]

Sherlolly prompt please? “For science!” and Friends to lovers!

Taken from my Trope Duos prompt list (prompts are now closed).  #16: “For Science!” and, #17: Friends to Lovers.

Two of my absolute favorite tropes together, you’d think it’d be easy to write… but NO, I stared at this prompt for WEEKS before I finally managed this fluffy bit of Teen!lock.  Please forgive my tardiness, and happy reading! (I hope…)

*

For Science

Molly Hooper.

Yes, she would make the perfect test subject.

For some weeks now, Sherlock had been forming an idea in his mind, an idea regarding his future.  He had no desire for the staid and proper career paths to which so many of his peers, and his superiors, subjected themselves.  He much preferred the idea of working on a freelance basis, particularly in regard to his field of choice: criminal justice.  Scotland Yard was out of the question, the “detectives” there were lazy at best, incurably stupid at worst.  No, he would be their consultant, offering a second (superior) pair of eyes whenever they were out of their depth.  It was quite genius, really.

Using the new memory technique he’d learned, Sherlock had begun constructing a palace within his mind, storing any and all information that might be relevant to his career.  Most of it could be found in books, on the internet, or buried within his subconscious, but there was one area in which these methods fell short.  Social and emotional context was best studied on another person, and also in person, with the subject providing both something to observe, and their own descriptions.

Which brought him back to Molly Hooper.  As a young woman who typically wore her heart on her sleeve, the observation aspect would be fairly easy, and despite her being a year behind him, she was in his chemistry class.  Therefore, she would provide much better insight than the other dullards in the school.

Also, there was the matter of her being his only friend.

Not that Sherlock minded, he couldn’t care less what the rest of the idiots in the school thought of him.  They were, as previously stated, idiots, and he aimed to keep such people at as far a distance as possible.  That said, it would be difficult to convince anyone with whom he was not on good terms to assist him in any experiments, much less this particular one.  Fortunately, he did have Molly, and her innate kindness and similar interest in the sciences substantially increased the chances of her accepting.

His decision made, Sherlock waited until lunch and sought her out in the dining hall.  As usual, he found her seated in a corner table, isolated from the rest of their classmates.  Unlike him, Molly actually liked people, but her shy disposition kept her from reaching out to them.  The two of them would never have been friends, had they not been assigned to one another as lab partners.  The year had set off to a rocky start (Molly timid and stammering and occasionally clumsy, Sherlock aloof and insistent that he preferred to work alone), but over time, he had grown to respect her intellect, so obviously above the cattle surrounding them.  In turn, she had found her strength, no longer stammered, and was unafraid of standing up to him.  Granted, some things had been easier before she’d grown a spine, but he found her much more interesting now, and, most surprising of all, she never bored him.

The focus of his thoughts lifted her head as he approached the table, her usual grin curling her lips.  “Hello, Sherlock!” she greeted cheerfully.

He offered a nod of his head, taking the seat opposite her.  “Molly.  Enjoying the roast pork?”

Molly glanced down at the barely-touched meat and gravy on her tray, wrinkling her nose.  “Not particularly, no.  The potatoes are rubbish as well.  Still,” she added, “it’s better than nothing, I suppose.”

“Mm, debatable,” he countered, and she rolled her eyes with a fond smile.

“Well, most of us need to eat regular meals, Sherlock.”

He groaned dramatically.  “How unbearably dull.”

Molly sniggered, then took a purposeful bite of the roast pork, holding his gaze the entire time.  She grimaced, but did not look away, even after she had swallowed the disgusting food.  “There, see?  I’m not afraid of doing unpleasant things.”

Sherlock raised an eyebrow at her in response, then used her bold statement as his means of changing the subject.  “Speaking of which,” he began, “I have rather an unusual experiment I’m hoping to undertake, and I’ll need assistance.  After some consideration, I’ve decided you would be best suited to help me.”

It was Molly’s turn to lift an eyebrow.  “Had to sit and think about that one, did you?”

“Yes, well, I never said it was a lengthy period of consideration, did I?”

Molly speared another bite of pork.  “Right, come on then.  What’s this experiment?”

“Kissing.”

The fork clattered onto the tray, sending several drops of watery gravy splattering in all directions.  Sherlock frowned and scooted backwards to avoid the spray.  “What the hell was that about?”

Molly’s eyes, already bordering on too big for her face, nearly doubled in size.  “Y-you… you want to… that is…”

“Really, Molly, I thought we’d gotten past the stammering by now.”

“Don’t be a git, Sherlock,” she snapped, and he noted with satisfaction that her voice was much steadier.  “Explain yourself.”

Sherlock sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table (thankfully, the gravy eruption had not reached his side of the table).  “You already know my career plans, of course.”  She nodded in confirmation.  “It has recently come to my attention that certain behaviors, certain… reactions… would be most helpful to understand.  Particularly the reactions following specific forms of sexual stimuli.”

Molly blinked a few times.  “So… you want to know what it looks and feels like to be kissed?”

“That’s rather oversimplifying the matter, but… essentially, yes.”

She fixed her eyes on a spot of stray gravy, gnawing thoughtfully on her lower lip.  Sherlock waited, mustering no small amount of patience to do so, knowing if he pressed the matter, she would be far less agreeable.  Finally, she lifted her eyes to meet his.  “This is all just… an experiment?  Strictly for science?”

“Of course,” he nodded.

Molly inhaled slowly, deeply through her nose, and Sherlock saw the decision in her eyes before she vocalized it.  “Okay.  I’ll do it.”

*

Two days later, on an unusually sunny Saturday, Sherlock and Molly took the weekly bus into the nearby town, and made for the most secluded spot available: a little cluster of trees within the town’s small park.  The boughs of four fir trees, standing close together, created a nearly fully enclosed space, the gaps just wide enough to slip through sideways.  Molly grinned to herself at the smell of pine and earth, grateful for the memories and the brief distraction it brought.  Too brief, she mused, as Sherlock sidled in behind her, reminding her of the reason for this unorthodox destination.

Her nerves were sky-high as he invaded her space, his fingers gently closing around her upper arm to turn her around.  Molly didn’t meet his eyes immediately, opting to focus on his shirt buttons (bad idea, they were straining to keep their place against his surprisingly toned torso), counting to three in her mind before finally lifting her head.

…And finding the same nervousness in his face..

“Right,” he murmured, his voice breaking so slightly, she thought she must have imagined it.  “So… shall we?”

Molly swallowed thickly.  “Well, ah…  first let’s… let’s talk about some of the… chemical reactions.  You’ve done, erm, some research on that?”

“Yes,” he said a bit too loudly, clearly grateful for the delay.  He cleared his throat.  “Preliminary research indicates that the act of kissing another human being produces a flood of dopamine, serotonin, and, in cases of great affection in one or both parties, oxytocin.”

“Mmhmm,” she nodded.  “What else?”

“Physiological signs of this release of chemicals include flushed cheeks, dilated pupils, elevated pulse, and labored, erratic breathing.  And, in the male’s case, there may even be an erection.”

Molly fought the embarrassed blush that bloomed beneath her cheeks at his use of… that word.  “Right, well… I think that, erm… just about covers it.”

Sherlock, whose expression had become passive as he recited the science behind kissing, snapped his gaze in her direction.  He looked… well, he looked properly terrified, to be honest, like she’d just told him his mother was coming for an impromptu visit (which had happened once, though the headmaster had been the one to inform him, rather than Molly).  Certainly not for the first time, Molly wondered if this really was such a good idea.  Yes, she’d secretly fancied Sherlock since she clapped eyes on him.  Yes, she’d fantasized about snogging him on numerous occasions, though usually in a more romantic setting.  And yes, she was also aware that this was as close to that fantasy as she would ever get.  But if he was going to be miserable the whole time… she couldn’t do it.

“Look, Sherlock, we don’t have to do this.  I know you want to gain as much knowledge as you can, anything that might help your career, but if you don’t want to kiss me—”

“It’s not that,” he interrupted her, his eyes downcast.

“Oh… then… you do want to?”

“No.”

“No?” she parroted back, just a little bit hurt.

He hesitated, a familiar little crinkle forming between his brows as he pondered this.  Molly had a feeling that crinkle would become much more prominent in a few years, as often as she saw it.  Finally, he looked at her, his crystalline eyes wide and worried.  “I’ve never kissed anyone.”

Molly paused, waiting for the rest of his explanation… but after a few moments of silence, it became clear that that was the whole explanation.  “Well, I sort of knew that… I mean, if you had, you wouldn’t be carrying out a snogging experiment, would you?”

Sherlock was perfectly still for fully ten seconds, before finally asking, “So… you don’t mind?”

“Of course not!” she laughed, taking care that she didn’t come off as mocking him.  “It’s not like I’ve been snogging boys left and right myself.  I’ve only had one real boyfriend, and... well... you know how that turned out.”

“Hm, yes I remember,” he mused.  "How is dear Jim faring in prison, I wonder?"

"Who cares?" she muttered.  "My point is, you don't need to be self-conscious."

"I'm not…" he began, but cut himself off when he saw the look of annoyance Molly gave him.  "Okay, fine.  I may be the slightest bit out of my depth here "

Molly smiled.  "I should be recording this."

"Don't make jokes, Molly."

"Don't be a prat, Sherlock."

"I'm not—" he was cut off again, this time by Molly, who had abruptly grabbed his face and crushed her lips against his.  Sherlock instinctively closed his eyes as his mind raced to process all the new data and stimuli presented to him.

Warm… soft… smells like cinnamon… wonder if she tastes like it too?  As if reading his thoughts, Molly's lips parted on a breathy sigh, and Sherlock slid his tongue out to taste her.  Mmm, yes, tastes like cinnam—oh, God…  Her hands had drifted upward, fingers carding through his hair, and he simultaneously shivered and flushed, heat spreading all the way down to his toes.

In the back of his mind, a voice whispered that he was supposed to be doing something… but for the life of him, he couldn't remember what it was.  All he could think was, not enough.  She wasn't close enough, he wasn't touching her enough.  Well, he soon remedied that, firmly locking his arms around her and lifting her off the ground.  Molly gasped against his lips, and the sound sent another flash of heat through him.  A quiet groan met his ears, and as her wide, startled eyes met his, he realized it had come from him.

They remained still, eyes locked and panting for breath, before Sherlock slowly lowered Molly back to the ground.  His arms dropped limply by his sides, and she took a step backward, avoiding his gaze.  At one point, her eyes did stray in his direction, and the pink blush on her cheeks darkened.  Sherlock followed the trajectory id that embarrassed glance, and found—oh.  Well, he had been enjoying himself, hadn't he?

"I-I’m sorry," she stammered.

He frowned.  "Why on earth are you sorry?"

Molly shrugged one shoulder, still not looking at him.  "I dunno… I just… it's fine," she mumbled quietly as her arms wrapped around her middle.

Sherlock watched her begin to shrink into herself, and felt a painful tug against his navel.  In his current, befuddled state, he did not pause to think about what he was doing, he simply acted.  His hands found her shoulders, gently pulling her back toward him. She stiffened, and he held his breath, as if the slightest puff of air would send her running.  Her dark eyes lifted, and finally, the scientific portion of his brain kicked in, noting the physiological signs in her.  Eyes dilated… face flushed… breathing irregular… his left hand shifted slowly up along her neck… elevated pulse.

He couldn't help the gratified smirk he felt stretching across his face.  Molly's eyebrowed pulled together in confusion.  "I'm afraid the results of this experiment were rather… inconclusive."  Cradling her face in both hands, he bent his head, his intent obvious.  "Further study is required."

Molly grinned, all shyness cast aside, and her fingers toyed with the collar of his coat.  "Well… I suppose I can manage that.  In the name of science," she added with mock seriousness.

Sherlock dove in and captured her lips again, hoisting her up off her feet as he had before.  This time, Molly's legs wrapped around his waist, and she eagerly kissed him back.  And as the endorphins and hormones flooded his brain once more, Sherlock decided this was easily the best idea he'd ever had.

[catgirlnoire]

In The Moonlight

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

Trans girl Ladybug AU

Rating: General Audiences

Words: 1371

Summary: Ladybug, having trouble coping with a dysphoric night, calls Chat Noir and asks for his company. She needed to be Ladybug and she needed a friend. Not knowing what’s wrong, Chat Noir attempts to cheer up his partner with his charm.

Ladybug had called Chat Noir out on a late Thursday night and while the night itself was gorgeous, the atmosphere was stiff. Something was wrong and Chat could tell.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight, milady. Something on your mind?” Chat inquired, offering an ear to his partner.

“Just feeling lonely,” she lied, “Needed a friend. Thanks for coming out.”

Just needed a friend? No something’s up. She’s very clearly down but doesn’t want to talk about it. Purrhaps I can do something to cheer her up, nothing a little signature Chat Noir charm can’t fix, he thought, his face dawning a small smirk.

Chat waited a few minutes before turning on the charm. When she still hadn’t said anything after ten minutes, Chat decided it was time, “You know Bugaboo, moonlight really does your beauty justice. It makes your eyes shine like they belong in the sky,” there was no response from the young hero. No giggle followed by shutting him down or her rolling her eyes at his comments, either of which Chat was expecting, better step it up, he thought.

“And your hair’s like the sea, glimmering under said moonlight, rippling in the wind,” still no response, “And your dimples… I don’t actually have a simile for them I just they’re cute. And your lips, soft and warm like the colours of a sun-.”

“Chat, stop,” Ladybug half whispered attempting to hold back a sob, “Nothing you said about me is true.”

“I assure you, milady, everything I said is true.” Was it something I said, I don’t think I said anything too out of the ordinary.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m lying,” Ladybug gestured at her body, “All this is a lie, I look nothing like this outside of the suit. There’s no beauty for the moonlight to bring out. You wouldn’t like me if you saw me outside the suit. No one does.”

“Ladybug, that’s absurd. Sure our transformations change aspects of us, a feature here and there, but nothing that drastic. I’m sure plenty of people like you. You’re the prettiest-”

“I said stop, Chat!” Tears streamed down Ladybug’s face as she talked, “You don’t know me as a civilian. You don’t know what I’m like without the suit! Everything changes: my voice, my face, my hair, my body. Everything. Chat I'm…” Ladybug paused, looking down at the city below her.

“You don’t need to tell me anything, Bug. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable,” Chat resigned, beginning to stand up when a hand caught his wrist.

“No, Chat, wait. I want to tell you so please sit back down let me explain this,” Ladybug wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath as Chat retook his seat.

“I’m all ears, milady. Whenever you’re ready,” Chat waited patiently until she was ready to speak, she was taking deep breaths, clearly nervous but she looked determined.

“Chat, I’m trans. I haven���t started transitioning in any way so when I say my Miraculous changes everything I mean everything. I’m not this beautiful girl you think I am, I look nothing like this. It’s all the Miraculous’s magic and it’s honestly liberating. I love it, it’s the only time I feel like myself but when you compliment me on my appearance I’m reminded this is all an illusion, that you wouldn’t be saying that if you knew what I really looked like and it hurts.”

“I had no idea. I’m sorry I hurt you. I swear I will never make you feel like that again, milady.”

Ladybug let out a sigh of relief, “You’re the first person I’ve told. I didn’t think it would go this well. I thought there was a chance you might hate me for deceiving you or something.”

“I could never hate you, Bugaboo. In all honesty I don’t think this changes anything between us,” Chat said, while he stood up, offering a hand to help her up.

Ladybug took his hand and pulled herself up and looked up at him, “Really? Nothing at all?” She said in a skeptical voice.

“Ladybug, you are the bravest, most compassionate, smartest girl I have ever met. That’s why I like you, milady, none of that’s changed and what’s behind the mask doesn’t matter to me,” Chat paused briefly, “I know you still like someone else but I wanted you to know regardless.”

Ladybug blushed, his response and the sincerity behind it filled her, to her own surprise, with joy, “If I’m being honest, he’s more of a pipe dream at this point. He doesn’t know who I really am and I can barely form a sentence around him anyway.”

“So you’re saying purrhaps I have a chance?” His eyes were a jokingly puppy dog look but the excitement in his voice was hard to hide.

Ladybug giggled, “Maybe Chat, maybe. I’d have to get over the crush I currently have before I seriously consider that.”

“I understand, milady,” Chat lifted her hand and placed a small kiss on the back of it, “I’ll wait for as long as you need.”

Ladybug embraced Chat in a hug, overwhelmed by the amount of support and acceptance he had given her. Since I was able to come out to Chat perhaps I could come out to my family and my other friends and slowly everyone else, she thought, filled with a level of social confidence she had never had before.

“You give good hugs, milady,” They both dropped the hug and Chat let out a big yawn.

“Sleepy, kitty?”

“Nope, never better,” he said, rubbing his eye.

“Chat, you’re clearly tired and it’s getting late. We should both head home and get some sleep,” Ladybug leaned in and kissed his cheek, “Thanks for spending some time with me when I needed it.”

“Right! Of course! Pleasure’s all mine! No problem at all!” Chat rushed through his words, shocked from the kiss that was planted on his cheek.

“I was right about her lips,” he muttered to himself but a bit louder than expected.

“What’s that about my lips, Kitty?” Ladybug teased, still riding high on her increased confidence.

“It was before you cut me off the first time but it’s nothing. You said not to compliment you like that so it’s nothing,” Chat Noir backpedaled, trying to get out of saying the embarrassing line he had planned to say to get a rise out of her.

“Say it. I want to know,” she teased like she was trying to beat Chat at his own game.

“I… I was just going to say that… that your lips were like a sunrise, soft and warm like its colours and would be a pleasure to see first thing in the morning,” Chat blushed furiously, covering his face.

“O-oh o-okay,” Ladybug was stunned, she was expecting something cheesy but that cheesy? No way. What she couldn’t get over was that she liked it.

“I-is everything alright m-m-milady?”

“No. I mean yes! Perfect! Peachy! Wonderful!” Ladybug let out a nervous laugh, “Are you?”

“N-no. I don’t think I’ve ever been so embarrassed. That- That line was so bad and I’m so so sorry, Bug.”

“No! That’s true! Not true! That’s not true! It’s just the most thing anyone’s ever said, romantically, to me.” Stop tacking on words you’re making it worse. Deep breaths, you’re Ladybug, you got this, “It’s just… the most romantic thing… anyone’s ever said… to me.”

“Really? That line was so cheesy it could feed my kwami for a week and you liked it?”

The only answer Chat got was a small nod, Ladybug’s face as read as her suit. That newfound confidence of hers had its limits.

“Ladybug?”

“Mhmm,” she acknowledged, not answering with words for fear she would only mix them up again.

“Weren’t you heading home soon to get some sleep?” He didn’t want her to go but he could tell she was tired and in need of rest.

“Right. Thank me again, Chat for talking to you when I needed it. Wait no. Ugh! Good night, Kitty,” with a flick of her yo-yo, she jumped into the moonlight and was enveloped by the night sky while Chat just stared.

She really is incredible, he thought.

[katierosefun]

andddd july flew by, and i’m here to give everyone an unasked for report of...things...i watched / read / listened to this month because why not

kdramas: 

miss hammurabi

aaaah oh my god the way i told myself that i won’t be watching any more legal kdramas because your honor stressed me out so much--but god. i wound up watching this and fell in love with it so fast? miss hammurabi is about a rookie judge (the gal on the right) disrupting the judicial system with her strong sense of justice. i really wasn’t too sure if i’d like her, but oh god. i fell in love with her so fast, with her desire to make the world a better place and her ability to smile even though she’s had a horrific life of her own.

honestly, i really just loved this show, mostly for how it covers so many issues in the courthouse, from working overtime to the emotional fatigue to the frustrations with those brought to court to the actual cases themselves, which are all civil court things (so we get some stuff about sexual harassment, child custody, medical malpractice, etc). this show really demonstrated that each of these cases were important--and also...really hard-hitting. i think i cried at least once per episode just because...yeah. i’m reminded that no one goes to the courthouse because they’re happy or because they’re having a good time, and it really is the job of judges and lawyers to keep a cool head and execute justice the best they can. 

so basically: i loved this show. i loved it a lot more than i thought i would, and that’s always a good thing. there’s also not a whole ton of romance here either, if you’re looking for a show that’s not really too deep into that. it’s def. more focused on depicting the legal field, as well as all of the complications that come with that. as a result, there’s a lot of heartbreaking moments in the show, but there’s also many, many, many uplifting ones that reminded me a lot of why i personally want to enter the legal field. so if you’re looking for a show that might restore your faith in humanity, then i def. recommend this kdrama!

beyond evil 

so.....it’s no secret that i’ve been mildly obsessed with this show. i binge-watched it in the span of...i think four (4) days, so that’s averaging about four episodes (4 hours) a day. let me just say...i was kind of on the fence about watching this, but now i’m really glad that i did because whooo boy, i was in for a ride. basically, this show is about lee dong sik, who was accused of murdering his sister (amongst others) 20 years ago...and han ju won, the young detective / inspector who’s trying to track down the murderer (who he believes is lee dong sik). 

lots of other things happen, but that’s the least spoiler-y summary i can give of this show because....whooooo boy, there’s just so many twists and turns in this show? as soon as you start thinking you have everything figured out, this show tosses in another thing that reminds you of just how clueless you actually are. that said though, none of the twists felt out of place--they all felt very planned and very smart, so kudos to the writers for that! 

overall, i hella enjoyed this show--the plot, the characters (who all want to do the right thing, but they’re all very jaded in their own ways which makes being a 100% good person basically impossible in this monster of a town), and, of course, the relationship between dong sik and ju won. there was just an absolutely fascinating push and pull between their relationship, lots of distrust and mocking each other in the beginning...only to slowly but steadily grow into trust and respect for each other (and in my head, def. something more....but lol i’ll let you guys decide on that for yourself ;)) 

i.....genuinely loved this show. i found this show just incredibly smartly written, and all the characters were incredibly intriguing? and the relationships were all fascinating to me? just. god. this show ripped me apart so many times, and i loved it all the more for it. like. guys. i wrote or started writing about six fics for this show in the span of 48 hours because i love it that much.

movies:

the handmaiden

ohohoho this movie has been on my to watch list for the LONGEST TIME, and i was glad that i gave myself some time to watch this movie at the start of the month, because...whoooo boy, it was so good. this movie is inspired by the book the fingersmith by sarah waters, only whereas i think the book took place in victorian england, this movie takes place in japan-occupied-korea. sook hee, a pickpocket, is hired by a conman to persuade the secluded lady hideko to marry him. the conman plans to later inherit hideko’s wealth and send hideko off to the madhouse. 

many things happen over the course of this movie, and i’m not going to spoil anything, but oh boy...oh boy. i mean, this movie is pretty well-known for the main relationship between the two protagonists, sook hee and hideko. the romance was such a ride, and i thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of it. this movie really said “be gay, do crime” in the best way possible. 

as a quick warning though, this movie definitely is erotic. i kinda knew that heading into the movie, and i was still a little caught off-guard. so maybe if you’re a little squicked out by sex/erotica in general, i’d maybe skip over this movie. that said, this movie was beautifully filmed, with beautiful writing, and the cast was just perfect. i don’t think i’ve seen a movie so beautifully or smartly crafted like this before, and i’m very glad i watched this film. 

the meg

let me caveat by saying....i watched this because my brother wanted to watch it, so i sat through this movie and...y’know? it wasn’t awful. kinda predictable as far as shark movies go, but it wasn’t bad! i found myself enjoying it a little more than i thought i would...? but basically, this movie is about, you guessed it, an underwater research facility that was just looking into a deeper part of the ocean and etc. surprise, they found! a megalodon. multiple megalodons! cue the chaos. 

so...there were definitely some more suspenseful moments. i shouted “these people just KEEP FALLING OFF THE BOAT” a few times. there was one character who i was like “oh man he’s gonna be the villain isn’t he :( darn :(” to “oh hey he has a heart” to “oh never mind” to “ooph”. there were some more slightly emotional moments, but?? not particularly thought-provoking or impactful. so like? overall? it was one of those movies where like....it’s not bad, it’s not really good, but! hey, not all movies need to be incredibly deep to be even somewhat enjoyable! (and like, i mostly just enjoyed watching this movie because my brother and i cracked commentary all throughout it, much to my father’s chagrin.) 

music: 

so, apparently my music taste changes when i’m thinking about something that’s not star wars related, and i saw a bit of that when i was making this playlist for lee dong sik and han joo won from beyond evil. as spotify works, it wound up with me adding a few of my songs that i thought fit them, and then i wound up going into the radio part of my playlist and listening to a lot of new songs, and i just have to list some of my new faves here: 

let me follow by son lux: you know when you hear a song that just feels so...strangely cinematic? like, you get all kinds of vivid images in your head and stuff? this was def. one of those songs. it’s quiet, and there’s something weirdly...ephemeral about it? that’s the only way i can describe it. and mildly haunting. and mildly tragic. idk why, but i think big fans of tragedy & the patroclus/achilles kind of feel might like this song. it’s just. god. i spent 2 hours sitting in my bed just listening to this song on loop. 

not in the same way by 5 seconds of summer: this is a public scolding @ 15 year old me who thought it was lame to like 5sos just because they were getting popular. boo, 15 year old caroline and her “i’m a weirdo, i’m not like other girls or other people my age” phase! because 5sos actually slaps, and this was one of my fave songs? idk. another weirdly cinematic song. the refrain is just chef’s kiss, in the kind of rambly way that leads to a shout. i love that kind of stuff. 

start of time by gabrielle aplin. bro...the way gabrielle aplin’s voice brought me straight back to 2014-2016 era caroline...but weirdly, i haven’t heard this song from her before? and bro. bro....i’ve never wanted to run to the top of a hill and watch the sunrise with a loved one so bad in my whole life. god. idk. if you need a song that makes you feel like. things just might get better. this one’s for you. 

sedated by hozier: okay, so i’ve only ever listened to a handful of hozier songs in my whole life (i know, i know, how can i bicon like myself not listen to hozier 24/7? le sigh), but bro.....bro. i get it now. i get why people screech about hozier. i already liked his music before, but...ah. idk. something very powerful about this song. i now understand why people want to lie down in the middle of the woods when they listen to his music. 

[eyesfixedonthesun22]

Three Simple Rules

Summary: Jim Hopper is a fan of three simple rules in all aspects of his life. Easy to follow. Uncomplicated. That is...until he decides to break rule #3, with his secretary, on his desk. Pairing: Jim Hopper x Female Reader Warning(s): Smut 18+, possessive Hopper, canon level cigarette smoking, implied age gap Word Count: 2,014 Beta Reader: The stunning and sexy @supersoldiersruined-me.  Notes: This was my first request! I hope I did your wish justice, @fandomfic-galore.  Request Message:

For the Jim fic I was thinking of something like he has a new PA and she gets caught doing something she shouldn’t. Something naughty and he wants to teach her a lesson in his office. Haha. After your exam of course.

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It’s 10:15 a.m. There’s not a clock in sight but you know it must be true. The squeal and slam of the Blazer’s door followed by the heavy crunch of gravel up to the police station door are as good as second and minute hands. Hopper isn’t much for reliability in other areas but he is reliably late to work.

“You know that is just so interesting.”

The extra flirty inflections on your words is unnecessary, truth be told, but it felt like a cherry on top. You’ve slung your torso over the young deputy’s desk in a way that’s far too inviting. Your shirt, usually quite office appropriate but currently unbuttoned an extra button, crept down just deep enough you could tell he had a good look down your front. Your pencil skirt rode up high enough you should move to adjust it but—

The door slams open as Jim Hopper enters the office. He’s mid-sentence, trying to brush off Flo’s chiding, when he greeted by a prime view of your ass propped up in front of him.

“Is Callahan bothering you, sweetheart?”

You can see his jaw tick and the tone of his voice is just above growl. Flo’s eyes flit back and forth between you and the chief.

“I’m so sorry, Hopper. These young ones nowadays. She’s still learning her duties.”

It’s true. You had only been hired as a secondary secretary at the Hawkin’s Police Department just about a month ago. In actuality, you were quite bright. You’d picked up on all the secretarial tasks rapidly. If anything, you were bored at your job. Which could possibly explain your current antics.

Jim eyes you up and down analyzing the scene before him. His eyes pause on the swell of your breasts visible and plump under the undone button, the extra length of silky exposed thigh from your tight skirt, and then back up to your blushing cheeks. His eyes narrow and his nostrils flare. Busted.

“That’s okay, Flo. I’ll have a word with her.” You and Florence begin to apologize in unison but it’s clear the topic isn’t up for discussion. Hopper places a large hand on your shoulder gently directing you to his office. “Let’s talk...alone.”

The last word had a deadly lilt to it. For a split second, you wonder if you’ve taken this whole thing too far. You don’t get to continue the thought as the heavy oak door of his office clicks closed. Hopper stalks over to the only window in his office and harshly tugs the blinds closed. It’s with an eerie grace, he sits down on the edge of his desk and lights a cigarette.

“Hopper, I…” The look he shoots you stops you in your tracks. “Jim, I’m sorry.”

He huffs a heavy cloud of smoke out from his lungs that would make a steam engine jealous. At the end of the exhale, his lips play into a sharp smirk as if he’s enjoying your discomfort. The two of you sit in the office in silence with only the clicking of his clock proving the time is passing. He stares you in the eye before beginning.

“Okay, so let me get this straight in my head…” The pause between his sentences is pregnant with anticipation. He takes a long drag from his smoke and continues, “You thought it was a brilliant idea to flirt with Phil Callahan.”

“I can explain.”

“That wasn’t a question.”

“You’re the one who—” His brows raise towards his hairline but you trudge on with as much conviction as you can muster. “You’re the one who started something he couldn’t finish this morning.”

He takes a third drag; groaning as he exhales. The smoke curls in tendrils around the coarse hair of his mustache before dissipating into the room. The sound shoots tingles straight between your thighs. He strides with a grace all too foreign on his large frame and sits in the chair behind his desk. Another guttural sound escapes his lips while he contemplates your sin. The smoke and emotionally charged atmosphere have turned the small office into an oppressive sauna.

“That’s fine. That’s just fine.” His tone indicates it’s anything but fine. “You’re a needy little one aren’t you? Was last night not enough for you?”

The temperature of your skin, near boiling in anticipation, deepens across your chest and cheeks under his accusation. Despite the shame and heat radiating off your skin another heat has settled at the apex of your thighs. Hopper had made the terms of your arrangement very clear. Three simple rules.

You were his and no one else's. He does not share.

This could end at any time. Attachment isn’t his thing.

Absolutely zero discussion of the arrangement or acting “familiar” at work, in town, or around anyone else.

Yet, here he wasn’t actively talking about the two of you, like that, at work. Sure, you were behind closed doors in his office but that seemed menial protection at best.

“I asked you a question, dammit.” His hand slams on the desk. He manages to keep the volume of his voice in check. “Last night wasn’t enough so you thought it was a good idea to come in here advertise yourself like some ten dollar hooker for Phil?”

He’s not being fair. You had certainly been looking for punishment but he’s hitting low blows. Your instincts wants to curse and spit; anything to fight back and defend yourself. Your body seems to have other thoughts. The timbre and power behind his voice have you soaked and your brain clouded.

“I just wanted…”

“What? What did you want that was so damn important?” You hang your head shamefully. His posture changes. “I see. You wanted to be punished.”

The booming chuckle stings. You know it’s mocking. His first cigarette is gone. He tamps down the last of the ashes in the tray in time with his laughter.

“Well since you know best, get on with it.”

Your face screws up in confusion. What was he asking? For you to beg? Ask forgiveness? He couldn’t possibly be giving you what you want so easily. He flicks his lighter open and ignites before leaning back in his desk chair. He holds the white stick between his plump pink lips and rips open the belt and zipper of his pants.

He takes a long drag. You always found it annoyingly attractive how he holds them, pinched tightly between his thumb and index, gesticulating with them when he needs to make a particular point in a conversation. The smoky undertones that cling to his lips whenever you dipped your tongue inside.

“You know I looked up one time how long it takes a cigarette to burn down. Average is five to seven minutes. I even timed myself when I was younger and first started smoking. It’s a stupid thing.” You’re still paralyzed on the chair across from him waiting for the punchline. “I used to average five minutes. No idea how long it takes me now. You have until this is finished to do things your way, since you seem to want to call the shots, and bounce that pretty little ass up and down on my cock.”

“And when it's done?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see won’t you, sweetheart?”

You should have been embarrassed at the speed of which you jumped up to take his hardening cock out of his pants. You lick him only twice; engulfing him all the way into your mouth the second time before straddling his lap. You’re still sore from the events of last night. You ruck your skirt up higher and pull your panties to the side. You try to have him enter you slowly but his hips buck into you; stretching you so deliciously from the inside.

“Don’t pretend like you’re not dripping, sweetheart.”

He wasn’t wrong. He makes no move to touch your breasts or guide your hips. You’re on your own working yourself up and down on his length while trying to balance your weight on the desk chair.

He’s leaned far back taking drag after drag off his smoke. When a quarter of it is gone, you’ve settled in your rhythm. When half is gone ripples of pleasure have settled low in your pelvis; the beginnings of something begging to be unleashed. When a quarter remains, your fists are bunched in Hoppers uniform biting the back of your hand to keep your pants and moans at an acceptable volume. The entire time Jim hasn’t moved. One hand is tucked smugly behind his head as he leans and the other only moves to bring the cigarette from the ashtray to his lips and back again.

“Times up, sweetheart.”

“Wait! I’m so close!”

“I don’t fucking care! Times up!”

He stands, easily carrying the weight of you, and roughly presses your back against the cool wood of his desk with his own wood still deep inside you. His hulking frame hunches over you briefly planting a sloppy but much needed kiss on your lips. He tugs your hips off the desk so they’re supported only by his huge palms.

“Look down, baby. Look at me inside you. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to see you like this. Spread wide, taking my cock so fucking well on my desk.” Your core clenches as he pumps in and out of you wildly. You adored when he was like this; brutish and wild. A Hopper only you got to see.

A knock on the door interrupts your haze of lust.

“The door isn’t locked! Hopper, the door isn’t locked?!”

“It doesn’t have a lock.” His palm smacks a stinging blow against your ass. “That doesn’t mean I’m stopping.”

His pace is bruising and brutal only interspersed by the occasional biting smack from his hands on your flesh. You feel yourself inch further away from him from the power of his thrusts. A frustrated hand grips you hip tightly and the other plants firmly on your neck. Using each pressure point of your body for leverage, he resumes his punishment. Another knock sounds against the door; louder and more urgent.

“I’m busy!” He bellows at the door. “Can you imagine it, sweetheart. Phil barging in here seeing you choked out, ass red, and taking my fat cock.”

That nearly pushes you over the edge. Your tiny hand sandwiches his on your throat pressing a bit harder. He meets your gaze knowing what your asking. The pressure increases on your windpipe. You couldn’t tell him how much you loved it even if you wanted to. He grinds his pelvis into yours like he does when his own release is close. Another couple of thrusts and you’re clenching and spasming around him while he empties in you warm and sticky.

The first breath of air is cold and gulped down greedily.

“Chief!” The knocking returns. “We got a call. I really think we should go check this out.”

“In a second!”

He kisses you tenderly and helps you straighten yourself before tucking himself back in his pants.

“Too far, sweetheart?”

“No, Hop. Just far enough.”

“I don’t hate it by the way. The whole, flirting with the other guys in the office thing.” You straighten his tie and press out wrinkles in the shirt. “You were right. It turns me on. Knowing I’m the one to get to go home and be the one to fuck you into the mattress.”

“The only one, Chief.”

You wink before throwing the door open to the office and returning to reality. Phil stands there eyeing the both of you guiltily. Before you make it back to your own desk, you hear him apologizing to Hopper.

“I’m sorry, Chief. Truly. Shouldn’t be acting like that here at work.”

“You’re right, Phil. Don’t let it happen again.” He sneaks a glance at you, still preening from your words, while he shrugs on his blue jacket with the sherling lapels. “But between you and me, I think she kinda likes it.”

[battlekidx2]

The Dragon Prince Rewatch Thoughts and Ideas About the Future

Since season 3 is right around the corner I have decided to rewatch the first 2 seasons of the dragon prince. And the show was better upon a rewatch than I remember it being. Knowing certain things that are going to happen changes how you read scenes near the beginning and allows you to notice the seeds for future events or character choices. There is a scene in the second episode, before we are told of Rayla’s fear and dislike of water, where she is determined to set her mistakes right and she gets to a river and hesitates, gathers her berrings, and then crosses. This scene is only a couple of seconds long, if that, but you can tell that she is wary of water even before you’re told. There are plenty more moments like this and it astounded me while I was watching. 

The pacing also feels better while rewatching. When I first saw the dragon prince I remember thinking the pacing felt off. In some moments it was really fast while others it was really slow. I’m typically not that affected by pacing, but there were certain moments that I felt needed more time to develop that were rushed through and some that were given too much time that weren’t that important to the story. I still think that some moments were rushed, but the slower moments fit a lot better now. For example when I first watched season 1 I was genuinely surprised that it ended at episode 9. It didn’t feel like a finale at the time, but going immediately into season 2 felt a lot more organic.

Now to get into talking about my thoughts on the show as a whole. And my predictions for the future.

Characters:

Rayla- Rayla is my personal favorite character. Our introduction to her manages to showcase the characteristics of her that will become the driving force of the story, her compassion which clashes with her mission and immense skill. It only takes a single scene to set up her most important characteristics to the story. It was interesting to learn how her culture affects the way she sees herself and the people around her. And how it lead to her negatively viewing herself because compassion and fear are frowned upon. She also didn’t just get over her bias against humans. Her view changes gradually and her decision to travel with the princes didn’t come from her being more enlightened than other elves, but from her unique set of circumstances with her past and inner conflict. The writing of Rayla managed to impress me yet again while watching the show. I couldn’t believe that they managed to create a character that was able to organically kick start the plot without neglecting the societal biases that would affect her character. I believe Rayla is a really well written character that has a lot of potential to grow. We will probably get to explore a lot of it in season 3. I hope to get her backstory and a greater expansion of Moonshadow elf culture now that her and Callum are in Xadia.

Callum- Callum really becomes a great character in season 2. Season 1 felt like it was setup for his character and season 2 was the season where he actually got to shine. His insecurities and disposition made for an interesting, yet predictable, starting point that was enhanced by how well it juxtaposed with Rayla’s insecurities and personality. They used it to create an interesting dynamic between the two. This insecurity lead to him gaining an intense focus on magic, because it was the first thing he felt he excelled at, until he finally learns how to perform it without a primal stone or resorting to dark magic. This also lead to a juxtaposition between him and Claudia, which I have no doubt will be explored more in depth later. Claudia is falling farther and farther down the hole that is dark magic and becoming over reliant on its “quick fix” nature, while Callum is taking the long path to learning primal magic which seems to be a safer, longer term fix than dark magic. Callum is a character I find the most interesting when he is mirroring other characters. He manages to put the journeys of others into a different perspective.

Claudia and Soren- These are the characters, other than Rayla, that I think will benefit the most from season 3. There is a lot of setup with their relationship between their father, the princes, and each other. They seem to be set up to take different paths within the third season to either follow their father or find some sort of redemption. Soren is the one with the most interesting relationship to their father in that, while Claudia ultimately seems to care more for her brother’s well being than their father’s opinion of her as shown with her decision to save Soren not the “egg” during her moment of truth, Soren wants so badly to make their father proud that when he’s paralyzed he’s happy because now he can’t do the bad things he felt he had to do to make his father proud. This moment changed the way I saw his character. He no longer seemed mean spirited or “evil”. And it lead to me believing that he could be heading toward a path of redemption where he eventually breaks free of his father’s influence. Claudia on the other hand has relied more and more on dark magic to where she will find herself at a crossroads where she will acknowledge the negative aspects of dark magic and choose either to continue down the rabbit hole or reject it. I want to believe that Claudia will make the decision to reject dark magic, but I have the feeling that Claudia and Soren will find themselves on separate paths where Soren will reject their father and try to save Claudia from herself and Claudia will continue down her path of dark magic and by association down the path of her father’s acceptance, at least initially. She is characterized as someone who cares a lot about the people close to her and she will do anything for them, so I think in the end she will make the right choice unless something drastic happens.

Ezran- The final member of our trio. He’s the character who’s future I’m the least sure of/have the least ideas of where it can go. He’s finally grown enough to stop running from his problems like he did so many times before, but he hasn’t shown an affinity for leading, mostly due to his young age, which leads me to believe he won’t hold the throne for very long in season 3. Ezran running from his problems and him liking hide and seek become sort of intertwined. In the first episode Ezran plays hide and seek with Bait and later runs away to hide in the secret tunnels in the castle when Callum harshly told him the truth about the moonshadow assassins. Later in season 2 he plays hide and seek with Bait and Zym while Callum and Rayla are defending the dragon, which he realizes was a bad idea when he can’t find Zym. He later “runs” away after learning the truth about his father’s death, but actually goes to talk with Claudia to go back and take the throne. The realization that hide and seek was a bad idea can be paralleled with his realization that he can’t run and hide from his responsibilities like he tried to before. Him actually playing hide and seek with someone other than Bait, who is easily found, made him realize that “hiding” actually created more problems, possibly losing Zym, than it solved, combating boredom. This was an interesting parallel I found on my second rewatch that once again hints at what is going to happen before it actually happens.

Story:

The dragon prince is a show that finds its basis in darker themes such as the cycles of war and vengeance, societal bigotry, that neither side is entirely just in war, etc. These are all heavy themes that the dragon prince handles surprisingly well. The pilot episode alone shows all of these things directly and doesn’t shy away. It ends with King Harrow and all the elven assassins but Runnan dead with Rayla, Callum, and Ezran on the run in hopes that while they have lost today they may be able to stop future all out war if they manage to accomplish a near insurmountable task with everyone seemingly against them. There isn’t a victory, just a quiet desperation that they must succeed later. This is very different from most animated shows aimed at the same demographic. This starts out dark and then gets lighter then slowly becomes even darker than before. Shows I’ve seen this compared to like Avatar: the Last Airbender, the Legend of Korra, etc all had much lighter pilot episodes before delving into much darker territory. This sets the bar right out of the gate. The story does a much better job than a lot of cartoons I’ve seen at dealing with the messiness of war. Both the humans and elves have done bad things in the name of “justice” and the show acknowledges this instead of naming a side that is “right”. This is rare in shows that thrive off of good vs evil. With the dragon prince no one seems truly evil. Even with Viren, who is the closest to a big bad this show has, is steeped in shades of grey. This is the major thing that sets the dragon prince apart from its contemporaries. The basic premise of the story is pretty straightforward and something that has been done before, but the way it does it is unique.

 It’s a bit hard to put into words all the things I think about the dragon prince, but this is my best stab at it. It looks like the dragon prince will continue to raise the stakes with this upcoming season and become darker and more morally nuanced with the upcoming season. I’m really excited for season 3 to release and hope it manages to continue the great things that it has done with its previous two seasons

[douxreviews]

Five Shows that Were a Bear to Review

It's safe to say that I've written a whole lot of reviews. Thousands, even, and that's just Supernatural... no, I'm kidding, but it really does number in the thousands.

Last week, as I was finishing up my review of The Handmaid's Tale's second season finale and thinking it was turning into a thesis on misogyny, I began wondering if it was the most challenging and difficult-to-review show I've ever tackled, and why. Lots of reasons, but clearly the content – the enslavement of women for religious reasons – is damned disturbing, and presented with great depth and complexity.

While I was trying to think of other shows that were as difficult to review as The Handmaid's Tale, four other "bears" immediately came to mind:

Lost, of course (2004-2010)

I reviewed Lost for six full seasons, starting right at the beginning, publishing my reviews on TV Tome (now tv.com) and a huge Lost discussion list on Yahoo. It was one of my earliest shows and a weekly challenge for me. Why? Because Lost featured an immense cast of terrific actors, extensive character development through the use of interwoven flashbacks, flashforwards and flash-sideways, and a level of detail and insertion of easter eggs so extensive that it became borderline ridiculous. I did my best but honestly, I never tried to track everything. I tried to focus on what spoke to me.

Breaking Bad (2008-2013)

I got sort of mad at myself that it took me so long to review Breaking Bad. I'd started watching it in season two, but I was reviewing so many other shows that I kept thinking, I just can't take on Breaking Bad, too. By the time I succumbed to the inevitable (the incredible end of season four), I found myself doing retro reviews in time to review the final season as it aired.

Breaking Bad was a bear to review because it was complicated, high concept, terribly funny and occasionally shocking, not to mention the fact that our lead characters were criminals. I fell in love with the show almost in spite of myself, although I don't think I ever actually liked it. As Walter White, initially sympathetic, slowly descended into darkness, I found his actions and motives more and more difficult to write about. I don't think Breaking Bad was my type of show, if I have a type. It was just that it was so good that I had to write about it.

It's also one of the few examples of a show that didn't end too early or too late, of a show that came to a pretty much perfect conclusion.

Rectify (2013-2016)

I get it. I really do. Several people have told me that they couldn't handle Rectify because it was just too depressing. And yes, Rectify is about a young man unjustly imprisoned on death row for twenty years, and that is indeed depressing, a horror that is difficult to handle.

But there is something so beautiful about this series. As the newly released Daniel explored his new world in the small town where he grew up, essentially experiencing the youth that had been taken away from him, actor Aden Young took us along and made us feel what Daniel felt. Rectify was made even more poignant by the seesawing emotions of Daniel's family, and by the possibility that the justice system might victimize Daniel a second time. I only wish they'd been able to give us a couple more seasons.

And finally, Six Feet Under (2001-2005)

I didn't discover Six Feet Under until it was nearly over, and wrote retro reviews after the fact, which means I knew what was coming at the end. (Although when I was watching season one for the first time, I knew I'd eventually have to review it, so I took notes about my reactions to every episode.) (This is not the only show that made me do that, by the way.)

Six Feet Under was difficult to review for one big reason: it was about death. And not just the mechanics of dealing with dead bodies, although that was certainly a memorable aspect of the series (it centered on a family that ran a funeral home). Six Feet Under explored death as a concept, about how people deal with the inevitability of death, about the utter devastation of grief. The show was also exceptionally funny, witty and sexy; there's never been another show quite like it. It also had what I consider to be the best series finale ever. ("Everyone's Waiting")

What do these five shows have in common?

They all feature terrific writing, world class acting and exceptional photography. But there is more than that. Plotwise, each series is unusual, and I think that was the key to why writing about them was so challenging. Often imitated but never duplicated. How many times were we told that a new series was going to be "the new Lost"? How many actually were?

Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

I am not my insecurities reflection- a truthful based oneshot

IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE PLEASE READ

Ok, this will be a long author’s note but please bare with me as this is very important for you to understand this oneshot. For some context here because I havent posted alot about her yet, this is a oneshot about my Dc oc Gracie Lucio, set kinda in the same universe(i guess) of the teen titans judas contract movie( with Damian as robin) and its a oneshot written partly out of a vent of my own body image issues and partly out of an expression of how I’ve learned to look past said issues slowly.

But this gets very angsty until the end

Now to give a bit more context for the piece itself. The oc herself, Gracie Lucio( because I havent posted any art of her yet) for the reader’s understanding, she is not human, she is a werewolf(it feeds into her story so dont get me started on it alot of research went into this aspect of her character and it plays into her body issues)and body wise looks similar to Dick in the first season of Young Justice. Shes a naturally thin figured , broader shouldered girl who could( if she really wanted to) pass as a feminine boy with short jaw/ barely chin length hair( think of a thick messy longish pixie cut of dark hair). So shes naturally lean and lanky and a little underdeveloped for a 13 year old girl and as a heroine she has toned muscles from years of hero work. Most wouldnt see her having too many insecurities about her body image and appearance, but in truth shes riddled with them. She ages a bit differently than humans, it takes her body longer to develop and even then in some areas it develops differently all together. She struggles to gain any extra weight or build up natural feminine curves, something she wants. She WANTS to look like other girls her age, with more developed and heavier bodies, with curves and more weight and an actual figure. But with a supernaturally high metabolism added on top of a already genetic based thin figure and a intense and sometimes rigorous training and workout routine plus her work as a heroine gives no leeway to gain really any extra weight, its always worked off one way or another. And this causes...comments to be made about why she looks that way by civilians. and though she never shows it publicly  she takes many of these, usually not flattering and sometimes cruel and rude, comments to heart(much like I used to unfortunately) and it worsens her negative feelings. This is a small story of her seeing those problems and issues and trying to face and overcome them. This is more centered around Gracie and Dick and Jason and their platonic and sibling like relationship as they help her through her darker times( again, this is partly me expressing my own personal struggles with body image (which arent the exact same as the character but the language and the comments are very similar)and partly how those two helped inspire me to have more confidence in my body no matter what I look like) and also a deeper peek into her complex relationship with Damian(but thats not the biggest focus) Sorry this was so long I mightve info-dumped a little but its important to understand the story. I hope you guys enjoy?

This is also told in Gracie’s point of view

This will cover some pretty deep kinda issues like body image problems and over eating and weight loss/gain and mentions of eating disorders without really discussing them and bullying so if that upsets you in any way now is the best time to scroll past for your own sake, I dont want you to upset yourself over my crappy emotional writing

I do not look that bad.

That’s what I have to force my mind to accept as I look into the mirror, meeting my own aqua green eyes hesitantly.

I always hated looking in the mirror lately, especially after training or after bathing, like now as I stood in the middle of my room in a slightly loose training type sports bra and spandex shorts. I don’t even want to glance down at my body, out of fear for seeing the same thing I always do.

‘She so skinny...is she eating right’

‘She needs to eat more and gain some weight’

‘what a twig for a superhero’

‘how have bad guys not snapped her in half? Jesus Christ I could probably break her with a sneeze!’

‘What a bad influence shes setting for young girls with such an thin figure!’

‘I think He needs to eat more Christ that poor boy must be starving! Why isn’t Nightwing feeding him more’

The flashes of comments flooded my mind the moment my eyes flickered down to the rest of me. To my thin, unfeminine figure. My underdeveloped and flat birdcage of a chest. To my lanky, toned, too flat stomach. The pinched waist figure. The flat empty expanse I called hips that blended too well into my too dainty looking bony legs. I looked too fucking skinny. And maybe they were right...as a hero I was a role model to those younger than me, and I promoted a Bad Body Image for girls to idolize with my lanky boy figure.

And it was a horrible body type I had no goddamn control over.

My species was not an easy one to live as, especially not intermingled with humans. The team knew, the team understood, but the rest of the world didn’t. As a lupinotuum pectinem, or lycanthrope which in easy translation is simply “Werewolf”, my whole body inner workings were different. Most of my kind were naturally lean and thin, like tall healthily thin model athlete body types and in general the females, even alpha females, were practically born twig like almost. And on top of that our bodies developed....differently. I was not raised by a pack or by my own kind after age 8, so even I didn’t know the full extent but females bodies took longer to grow and it made it very hard for them to gain weight because of the unnaturally high metabolism. Add being a superhero who once trained under a certain league member to the mix and you go from being the “healthy and admirable” type of skinny to the “unhealthy and concerning”type of skinny.

I hated it, and I hated my body. I hated pictures of me from the neck down, because they all looked the same no matter who they were with. And I saw the comments everyone made. Whether its a surprise photo Garfield took dragging me into the picture to commemorate something or another or me taking pictures around Gotham or Blüdhaven with Dick on the social media Gar helped me set up, or even the rare photos I’d get to take with Jason or Damian or Tim and get to post. Every time the flood of comments were the same. The same things I now repeated over and over as I looked over my body angrily.

OMG look at that poor girl is she ok??? She looks like she needs to be hospitalized!

Christ almighty BB isn’t it too early to be posing with skeletons?? LOL

Dude not funny that girl must be anorexic or something.

Such a cute sibling couple but sweetie you need a fast food break to add some fat to those bones!

Fuck kid go eat something instead of taking pictures

Awwww you two look real happy! I hope you’re on the way to lunch or something!

Holy shit your guy’s size difference is so vast its almost worrying

how are you even alive with that little weight

Go eat some junk food or something before you pass out

OMG look at her shes so small and stick like! Her clothes look like they’re hanging off a scarecrow!

That girl cannot be healthy tell me someone is making her eat more

Every time its always the same damn thing....

I couldn’t do it anymore. I turned away from the mirror nearly in disgust and went back to changing into more casual clothes, bitterly noting how my clothes did in fact seem to hang awkwardly on my body as if I was too thin for them to fit correctly. Like they always did lately.

Ew look at her she looks so gross all stick-like like that!

What a fucking twig of a girl! Are those her ribs poking through her shirt??

Bitch go eat a fucking hamburger you need some damn food in you.

God that weight cant be healthy you need a doctor!!

     “Kid? Yo kid you in there?” My head jerked up from the comments flooded screen of my phone to meet Jason’s eyes, catching the quirk of his eyebrow as he sat across the diner table from me. We were at a diner he favored whenever he came into town to visit, a little family owned treasure with delicious and greasy food and the sweetest staff on earth. We frequented the spot during his visits, our own personal little thing since we’d gotten closer. I plastered on a smile and ignored the slight narrow of those blue eyes, the small furrow of his brow got as I snapped off my phone and set it aside.

      “Sorry Jay, BB tagged me in something dorky and I got distracted. So what were you saying?”

He didn’t believe me, and I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t the most convincing at that moment but I kept that damn plastic smile on my face and snagged some of his curly fries right in his face, making him crack a smile and smack my hand away from his tray.

      “ Hands off my food, eat your own wolfie.” I rolled my eyes at the stupid nickname I’d been branded and let the plastic smile slowly be replaced by a more genuine one as we began chatting again, grabbing my over sized cheeseburger and finishing every last bite and moving onto the large fries and two milkshakes, hopelessly praying that maybe this time the calories would stick and trying to push away the comments to the back of my mind. I was with Jason and we were having a damn good time, and I wasn’t going to let those comments ruin his visit...not again.

You should be ashamed. All you’re doing is promoting bad eating habits looking like that.

You’re such a bad influence for young girls who idolize you with such a horribly unreachable appearance.

Shes too bony to ever be considered pretty

Does she have a eating disorder or something?

I stiffened instantly startled by a hand on my shoulder, turning off my phone  instinctively and making the endless comments disappear into darkness before whoever could see them over my shoulder. The hand was big, calloused, and gentle and I felt myself relax as I looked up behind me with a smile.

         “ Hey Dick, did you need something?” He smiled down at me with that big bright smile that made all the dark thoughts and feelings melt away and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze, blue eyes meeting aqua green.

          “ Well I was wondering if you’re doin’ anything right now or if you’d want to go catch dinner with Kori, Dami, and I. I noticed that you’d skipped your usual early dinner....” I wasn’t surprised he noticed, he normally did...

Once again that smile plastered itself on my face as I told him I’d love to, and to just let me go get changed into something better. I saw his hesitation at the fake smile, practically smelled it on him and prayed he wouldn’t bring it up right now, god please don’t ask now or I might just break...

Maybe god is listening because he didn’t mention it and just told me to meet them by the front doors of the tower in ten.

How are you not dead yet?

Jesus Christ stop promoting your eating disorder like its a good thing!

She looks so sickly is she ok? :(

Yeah shes sick, sick in the damn head for posting such disgusting pro-Ana pictures

How can you post pictures with a clear conscience looking like that?

Some “superhero”

I was wrong, no god was listening to me.

Dinner was rough to get through, even if it didn’t start that way.

For once I didn’t have to worry or dread possibly checking my phone for anything, I turned it off by the time we got to the restaurant. I even got a small compliment from Damian on our way in, though it was more a snark at me not tripping up the stairs. But it was Damian so I snapped right back with a smile, knowing he didn’t really mean it. Sitting beside Dick and across from Damian, I nudged his foot with mine in a silent gesture to cheer up even a little. He huffed through his nose but I saw his body relax and it made me relax. Those moments before the food came, our chatter and soft laughter as we looked over the menu, and the soothing knowledge knowing that Dick pulled me and Damian along to this dinner so we would go out on a date ourselves, ever the best brother and wingman. The mood was light and pleasant and I could see even the ever sharp and moody Dami lighten up a little by the time we ordered. Maybe the mood shifted into something different as we waited for our food and I was sipping on my tall glass of iced cola, when Damian’s fingers casually brushed over the top of my unused hand that laid peacefully on the table. The gesture was subtle and light, quick enough to miss if your senses weren’t sharp. I didn’t acknowledge it and neither did he, a silent understanding that words would just ruin whatever this was. I accepted that happily, as he was much more engaged in the conversations and even smiling a little more during them as he debated with Kori on leading strategies. Things were pleasant, comforting at that table in those few seconds before the decline, Dick smiling and chuckling at his lover and little brother, Said lover and brother having a more upbeat discussion about different leadership styles and their effects, and lightly debating which work better for what. And Damian’s hand next to mine, ever so lightly brushing against it in his wordless way to say I was still there and at even the smallest twitch I’d have his attention again. Dick ruffled my hair and asked how my online courses were coming along, since I didn’t attend schools publicly and I was more than happy to babble about my classes, and my current work in them. It was nice and I was happy, all the horrible feelings from before draining away as I tuned everything else but these three out of my enhanced hearing. Why had I even felt so shitty when I had great people like them in my life?

Then I heard it as that damned supernatural hearing tuned back in to the rest of the world.

The words and whispers and mutters and the blatant gossip and bad mouthing.

“Look at that younger girl sitting at that table dear...shes so thin I think she should be in a hospital not a restaurant.”

“Ewww mom look that girl looks like a skeleton!”

“ Honey shush….”

“Is….is that girl ok?”

“Dude of course she isn’t just look at her shes unhealthy as fuck. Probably has some kind of eating disorder too or something.”

It all flooded over me and all of my happy mood washed away under the wave. I couldn’t tell if the others could hear them so I grit my teeth tried to tune it all back out, trying so hard to focus more on Kori’s explanation of her points. My hands began to curl up subconsciously, making Damian’s attention snap to me. Fuckin I….no, I cant tell him...I shouldn’t. I forced my hand to uncurl and that stupid smile sprawled across my lips as if someone had put tape over them. I saw his eyes narrow and near begged mentally for him to not say anything or for Dick to distract him...anything.

“Ahem….your meal.”

I have never more thankful to a waitress before in my life...until I saw the look she gave me as she placed my admittedly large order of food in front of me, something that was normally a platter for two people’s worth of beef and sides. I caught the judgmental and suspicious look she had glancing between me and my food and I felt shame burn all over, starting to hang my head to avoid that damn look.

“ If this is all our food then your job is done. Don’t you have OTHER tables to be serving?” Damian’s curt and sharp tone cut through the air and briefly through my shame. This waitress knew nothing about me and i certainly owned no one any explanations about my eating habits, so why was she hanging around giving me looks about my food…?

“ Damian don’t be so rude!” Dick cleared his throat and I felt his strong arm wrap protectively around my shoulder as he leaned close to the edge of the table while Kori’andr apologized for Damian’s attitude vaguely. But I could hear it, there wasn’t much life to her apology. It sounded like a politely required apology, almost...defensive?

“ I am so sorry about my little brother Miss. He’s also sorry. But do you need anything else since we seem to be all set here but you’re still hanging around when you must be very busy…?” Dick’s words were sweet and cheerful, but there was an edge to his tone that gave a clear warning. His arm around me tightened a little protectively as he gave one of his signature charming smiles that could light up half the damn city as he then inquired if there was some sort of problem. The waitress stammered that there wasn’t any problem and that it was fine and for us to enjoy our meal before scampering away to continue her work. I felt other patrons eyes most DEFINITELY on us now and I couldn’t help shrinking into the taller man’s side to hide.

“ I’m sorry this keeps happening…” I murmured to him as our respective dates started eating and slowly reviving their conversation, moving on to mission recounts and training while Damian shot a dark look at the other patrons that made them look away. Dick gave my shoulder a squeeze and i moved closer for that familiar warmth and comfort...my chest felt heavy and my appetite had died and I wanted to curl up in my room and die of the shame. But I couldn’t, he wouldn’t have let me. So instead I instinctively sought out the safety Dick’s presence brought me, like a protective older sibling whose arms I could be enveloped in and forget about the harsh world outside them.

He knew without words, catching my body language before anyone else at the table. He knew me best.

“ Do you want to leave? We can get to go boxes and enjoy this meal all the same back at the tower, or even mine and Kori’s apartment. Is that what you’d rather do?” It was tempting, oh god it was so tempting to just say yes and let him lead me away while I re-gathered myself, same way he did when we were both 13 and living under the same roof...before…

I shook my head and forced those thoughts to the very back of my mind. I was in a dark enough place of mind already without that.

“ N-no...you guys set this up...i...i don’t want one nosy waitress to ruin our whole meal. Lets just eat ok D?” He smiled at the nickname and ruffled my hair with a nod, both him and Kori making sure I knew if things got too uncomfortable we could leave and the heaviness eased a little at their consideration. I started picking at my food and slowly regaining my appetite, once again nudging Damian with my foot to start up conversations. I ignored the words for the majority of the dinner, we even began to enjoy ourselves again. The last straw was probably as we were paying and putting leftovers in to go bins. I was admittedly nibbling on food out of my bin, despite starting to feel full.

“ I swear you are a bottomless pit sometimes Gracia.” I rolled my eyes at Damian’s remark and gave him a small smirk as I licked my fingers clean.

“ This bottomless pit can still kick your ass in training wonder boy~” He grunted and I saw the challenge glow in his eyes as he smirked back, an excitement for tomorrow’s combat training flaring up between us.

“ You really shouldn’t mix up your delusional dreams with reality alpha PUP.” I said something snarky back and we began to bicker halfheartedly over who was winning. I finally snapped shut my leftover box and stood with Damian as we stared each other down confidently, Dick chuckling at our competitiveness.

“ Tomorrow morning’s combat training will certainly be interesting with these two all riled up already.” The words didn’t fully process as I cracked my knuckles and squared up to the admittedly….taller boy.

“ Last I checked Damian I was ahead 11-10. And tomorrow, I just cant wait to make it 12.” He gave a hard laugh to my face and faced up to me with a smirk as our other two companions stood and shooed us more in front of the table so they could leave their seats. He opened his mouth to say something likely scalding and snarky back at me when the worst comment pierced between us both like a goddamn bullet.

“ Damn, I never knew such a sickly, too skinny bitch like her could eat like such a fat fucking pig.”

I think I stopped breathing as my body flinched at the following laughter. The man was clearly on the tipsy side and sitting at a larger table with a group of laughing friends, though the one who said it was standing next to the table with a drink that reeked of the cheapest alcohol this restaurant probably sold, and he didn’t stop there. Oh god of course he didn’t stop there. He kept laughing and loudly making obvious comments at me and openly mocking me and how much I ate to his table, either fully aware of what he was doing and that we could clearly see and hear him or too drunk to really care as more insults and name calling that I had heard and seen and read plenty of times before fell from his mouth. My heart was pounding in my ears as the next few moments happened slowly.

I thought I had seen anger plenty of times before, the worse being the one and only time someone made a malicious joke about my appearance to my face when I was walking beside Jason and it took all my supernatural strength to drag him off and away the guy before he murdered him in broad daylight and to keep him walking to wherever we had been heading.

I had seen pissed, but I had never seen downright hellish fury until that moment when I looked at Damian and Dick.

I had seen Damian mad, and angry, and pissed, a few times in our first meetings at me personally. I had seen Dick mad, angry, and pissed off a a fair chunk of times, even if they had never been directly at me. I had never seen this expression on either of them in those times. And in those few moments that passed almost in slow motion and Damian began to lurch forward with murderous intent the thought finally hit me. ‘ Was this...the first time these two had really heard the comments about me? Oh god…’ I felt like I was moving in honey as Damian stalked past me and I tried to reach out to him slowly, a gleam to his eyes that made my blood go cold.

If someone was to ask me in the future what I believed Death looked like, I would say with completely conviction that death would have the exact eyes Damian had in that moment: lethal, merciless, and furious. And he would have Dick’s cold expression, a look I never wanted to see on the normal cheerful man’s face ever again.

Time snapped back to a normal speed like a whip and my hand grasped nothing but air as Damian stormed over to the man.

“D...da--”

“What did you just say you disgusting drunk.” I might’ve shivered at his tone and I felt Kori’s hands on my shoulders tugging me back protectively as she looked down at me worried.

“ Gracie...don’t listen to him, there’s no reason to cry.” Cry? What was she talking ab--

That’s when I felt it, something warm and wet sliding down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. I...I was crying. My walls and my limit of bottling things in for one day was crumbling away as I watched Damian go to confront the man, my voice disappearing under the surge of hurt and anxiety. I couldn’t even say his damn name. I felt frozen and helpless as Dick stalked after Damian, fists clenched.

I had to do something say something anything to stop them before things went badly I had to I had--

“Eh?What the fuck did you say to me brat?”

“ You heard me you worthless piece of filth. Apologize to her, now.”

I needed to do something anything as I felt myself crumbling. Why wasn’t Dick stopping him why

“ And what if I don’t pipsqueak? You gonna hit me? Now scram. Maybe take your little bitch to a hospital for treatment instead of parading her around a restaurant with normal people!”

“ He might not do anything, But I will. Now take it back before things get messy.”I think my body began trembling as I watched panic swelling. I just wanted to leave and go home. I didn’t want to see this unfold, I just wanted to be home at the tower curled under my covers to simulate the warmth of another person holding me. I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere else then stuck in this nightmare.

So I moved without thinking and lunged, aiming for the back of Dick’s jacket to grab and ready to swallow any shards of pride and beg to leave. Instead I collided with Damian’s back and rolled with it, hugging him tightly from behind and tugging back with a whimper.

“ P-please you two...l...lets just leave...please lets just go home please…” Kori grabbed Dick’s arm firmly and tugged him back.

“ Dick...shes in the midst of an anxiety attack, let it go and lets leave. We need to get her out of here.” He took a difficult deep breath but nodded glaring down the man harshly enough that he flinched and scurried to the bar with his tail between his legs mumbling insults. One of his friends started to stand and began nervously apologizing, though one vicious look from the boy I was holding shut him up fast. It took me and Kori working together to drag the two out of the restaurant and the ride home was tense and silent. I couldn’t look at any of them, instead opting to stare at my feet wiping my eyes.

“ Does that happen often. People talking about you like that.” His cold tone made me flinch a little. At this point I was so upset and anxious and emotionally drained on the inside that I thought Damian was mad at me of all people for what happened. Those dark thoughts began to slowly bubble up to the surface and my insecurities screamed that he blamed me for what happened in the restaurant. I remained silent, too upset to answer. I heard his growl of annoyance and I began to hunch up, ready for a verbal fight.

“ Damian drop it for now. Shes in no right place of mind to talk about it.” Dick warned from the driver seat with a low voice that reminded me he was also upset and angry. When we got back   to the tower I didn’t wait for anyone to say anything, I just bolted for my room as fast as I could, at a inhuman, unnatural speed that they couldn’t keep pace with.

I stayed locked in my room for three days, not willing to face any of them the next morning during training. Everything was heavy and hurt and it was hard trying to rebuild those shattered walls of protection, that image of unbothered confidence. I stayed in bed locked away from the world and curled up under the weak protection of my sheets mostly unresponsive to those outside it.

The first to come knocking and checking on me was Kori, asking if I was ok and if I needed to talk. She left after a little while of trying for a response unsuccessfully though, saying she’d come back to check on me later. It was maybe an hour later that Garfield came knocking, asking why I’d missed breakfast AND training. His voice was concerned as he asked if everything was ok and if I was even in there. The concern poked painfully into my silence, tempting me to speak and make myself vulnerable.

Vulnerability killed. I knew that first hand. So I forced myself to stay quiet until his knocks and footsteps faded away.

The rest of the day passed in a bit of a self deprecating blur, only marked by Kori’s two other attempts at my door. The last one I barely noticed as exhaustion kicked back in and I drifted off into an unsteady sleep

The next day after I woke up things still went by in a near timeless blur. I could hear my phone buzzing and vibrating and rattling for my attention but I left it there on the nightstand unnoticed and curled further under the sheets, lost in a slate tinted world of dark thoughts and darker temptations. But that day was harder to drift away through.

The first to stop by was Jamie, knocking a few times and calling out to me with concern and worry clear in his voice as he asked if I was ok. He asked if I’d eaten at all since yesterday, since he hadn’t seen me leave my room. The thought of eating made my stomach stir and my body curl around it ashamed. He knocked a few more times after that, his voice growing a bit more worried at the lack of answer. After awhile I heard him walk away and I barely lifted my head as I hugged my too skinny too unhealthy body close, feeling those blaring imperfections and flinching at myself.

It was no wonder everyone said those things...if so many people said them so often then they must be true.

The next to come by was Raven. She only knocked twice and gave a small sigh.

“ Gracie...I know you’re in there. If you need someone to talk to...my room is in the next hall over, and I will be here to listen. I wont force you to come out...just please remember you aren’t alone here. You have the team behind you.” I bit my lip hard enough to make it bleed to keep my ensuing whimper silent. The words, soothing and reassuring in context, stabbed into my heart and my resolve. I WANTED to depend on them, to throw open the door and break down under the assurance I could and would not be treated differently after, and be assured and comforted and remind of the positives. I wanted it so badly I was scared of it. Or maybe...I was scared of it NOT happening as those damn fears and insecurities and dark thoughts sowed heavy doubt through me. She lingered a little longer than Jaime, eventually her footsteps disappearing. I remember meekly poking my head from the sheets to stare absently out the half covered windows lost in thought, time slipping by me once more to the point I almost didn’t register Garfield and Kori both stopping by my door again at least twice more worried.

When Dick stopped by as the sun was setting was when the harder pain set in.

I heard the knocks and ignored it in favor of the changing color sky the sunset offered, my room washed in a dim orange and amber gleam. Then I heard his voice, soft and sick with worry from the outside and my heart thudded so hard it hurt. Hard.

“ Gracie...C’mon Gracie-girl please open the door. We’re all worried about you...I’m really worried about you. You haven’t eaten for a day and a half...Please let me in...” I almost broke completely at the pain in that familiar voice, the voice I never wanted to be the cause of being in pain or anguish again.

Well looks like I did a GREAT job of preventing that didn’t I?

He knocked again, asking and pleading and trying to reason, anything to get that door to open. My eyes burned with hot fresh tears and I curled up into a tight ball whimpering softly and breaking my vow of silence.

“....D-dick...p-please...j-just leave me a-alone…I-i just need some t-time alone…”

My voice came out pathetically weak and shaking with tears, which I know he heard. There was a silence for a few moments, perhaps shock that I actually answered this time. I felt warmth sliding down my cheeks as he sighed and reluctantly muttered that he’d come check back on me tomorrow and that there was leftover dinner ready for me to heat up on the kitchen counter before he slowly walked away. His fading footsteps echoing in my ears. Was my heart breaking on every step away? I couldn’t tell. That feeling slipped into the dark thoughts that followed the setting sun. Dark thoughts that also reminded me of the one person who HADN’T come to check on me, and the resulting pain of his absence.

The third day had been mostly quiet. It was almost a painful relief, quiet meant no additional pain of--

“ Gracia.”

That one word coming from Damian’s mouth sent so many things through me and sent any resolve I had spiraling away. His tone was a forced kind of neutral, he sounded as if he was trying to stay calm but it wasn’t exactly working. There was something to his voice I had no energy to figure out. He didn’t knock and there was silence for a few moments but I felt his presence remain.

“ You haven’t eaten since the restaurant.” No questions with him, he didn’t need to ask, always calm and analyzing.

“ ...You cant just stay in there forever Gracia.” A stern lilt to his voice, weakly enforced by the faint sound of his hand on the door. I could only whimper and curl up more. There was another stretch of silence before he sighed and his footsteps continued down the hall.

He was the only one to come check on me, a blessing and a damnation.

The day and night went by so listlessly I didn’t remember falling asleep, only waking up to banging knocks on my door. The volume grated on my sensitive hearing and made me flinch. Who would even be knocking like that…?

“ Oi. Kid. I know you’re still in there. Open the door.” Jason’s hard and no shit taking voice shot through me. Why...Why was Jason in the tower? Why was he in the city?

The knocking continued relentlessly, unlike the others. It even got louder and angrier.

“ Kid I said open this goddamn door.” There was no request or plea in his voice. It was a command, a harsh, cold command. I tried covering my ears with my hands and curling into a tight ball as the knocking continued. He wasn’t about to give up to a little girl.

I knew this too well.

“ Graciea Rosica Lucio I swear to god if you don’t open this goddamn door in the next couple second I will break it down. Now get off your fucking ass and answer me.” I don’t know what it was, but hearing his threat sent my body into mechanical motion, trudging over to the door and reluctantly unlocking it and letting it slide open with a low hiss, the banging finally ceasing. I couldn’t look him in the face, empty and ashamed it took threats to get me to open the door. So I stared dully at his boots and took in his scent as he grabbed the front of my shirt and dragged me back inside. I stumbled clumsily along with as he sat me on my bed and stood in front of me. I kept my gaze down towards his knees, the smell of nicotine wisping off his body in a way that told me he very recently had been smoking, no less than an hour ago most likely. Smoke and city is what filled my room. There was only a beat of silence before he spoke.

“ Look at me.” I lifted my head and stared at his chest and his crossed arms, unwilling to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t bare to see what kind of disappointed look he likely had on his face. Perhaps I didn’t want to see my reflection in his eyes, see the sickly, disgusting and bony figured girl with greasy hair and dark circles under dulled eyes and sallow cheeks. I heard the slight growl that rumbled from the back of his throat in warning and I briefly wondered if I would be forced to look him in the eyes. His arms uncrossed and I prepared myself for anything.

Anything except for two big plastic grocery bags filled with fast food bags and orders was dropped onto my lap, the contents still hot. I blinked slowly once, twice, and finally got enough courage in my confusion to look up at his face. When I did I was a little startled.

“ Eat. And you aren’t moving until those bags are polished off understand me?”

He looked visibly angry, eyes narrowed and mouth locked in a fearsome scowl with eyebrows furrowed. But his eyes were soft and worried and it took me a minute to realize worry was what was making his scowl so harsh. He crossed his arms across that broad chest again and I realized he was in his work gear, all the way down to the guns strapped to his thighs. All he lacked at the moment was his helmet and domino mask, his dark hair messier than usual and the white streak falling between his eyes. We had a staring contest and in those pupils I saw myself, I saw the shell I had become and it made me sick, breaking me briefly from the depressive haze.

How the hell had I let myself fall this far, this deep?

We didn’t speak until he grunted, eyes narrowing more in a way even those concerned blues didn’t weaken the glare as he spoke gruffly.

“ You better start eating before I start just shoving it down your damn throat.” I knew he would too. He wasn’t fucking around, I didn’t doubt he’d follow through with any threats made. Slowly I looked down at the pile of food and reached for the first bag, pulling it open and blinking fast as fresh tears stung my eyes.

It was from our favorite diner, and it was my usuals two cheeseburgers and large lightly salted fries with a second order of fat steak fries and fried pork strips. He’d even gotten all the little sides I enjoyed with it and I looked back up at him with a pained look. Maybe that look made him relax because his expression softened slightly, his voice quieting to something gentler.

“ C’mon now...I brought you all your favorites, now start eating...it’s been three days and your body cant handle that. We can talk after.” My shoulders slumped as all the tension stored in my body dissipated a little as he continued to speak, like a tightly pulled strong finally cut loose.

“ Kid I’m not mad at you. No one is. So just eat the food and then we’ll figure shit out, just like we do on any other visit.” I think the tears started falling because his face got blurry and there was warmth in my face. If I did start crying he didn’t say anything, just nodded at the bag. I gulped and slowly but surely pulled out one of the burgers and slowly took a bite, struggling a little to swallow it with a throat that was closing up from emotions. Once I did though my hunger kicked me hard and I began devouring the food, one bag after another.

It took me about a half hour to finish both plastic bags but I did, followed by slamming through at least two water bottles and one thick milkshake that almost made a mess. Jason simply watched over me as I ate from his spot in front of me. The silence was almost soothing, not painful as it had been before. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand as I looked back up at him and we made eye contact.

“ So are you going to tell me what happened? Really happened?” I broke his gaze to stare towards the floor as the acidic shame began to creep back over me. He sighed.

“ C’mon kid just let it out already. Who am I to judge? So why don’t you trust me like you USED to and tell me?” Those words shot through my heart and head.

I...I wasn’t trusting him...trusting anyone...I…i...

It was like Jason opened a flood gate.

It all came spilling out with a new surge of tears and mid sentence cracking sobs, my body physically heaving from the intensity as it all came out. All the months of insecurities and pain and doubts and fears and comments and negativity and hate and bullying came rushing out like a tidal wave and Jason took to all, listening to everything without a single word as I let everything out and let myself break down completely, wails and sobs replacing words eventually. I felt him shift and kneel in front of me, felt big strong sturdy hands grip my shoulders to steady me and keep me anchored as I buried my face into my hands and gasped out cries and pained wailing yowls that filled the room and spilled out of it. I vaguely remember the sounds of multiple hurried footsteps coming towards the door but I didn’t care. All I felt was Jason’s hands on my shoulders and his steady, continuous heartbeat in my ears as well as he strong breathing. One set of footsteps dared to enter the room and hurry over, only stopped by Jason’s calm voice.

“ Let her get it out, its the only thing that’ll help.” The footsteps stopped and eventually the wails faded into blubbering whimpers and whines and hiccups, constantly sniffling. I lifted my head to look at him through blurred eyes and got one brief sight of Dick standing behind Jason that sent me into a whole new wave of sobs.

God I’ve been nothing but selfish and now I’d fucking hurt Dick again even when I swore I’d never do that again and i--

I let out a high pitched whine that turned into pathetic blubbered and wailed apologies. Over and over like a broken record I couldn’t stop apologizing to them for everything even parts that weren’t my fault  in any way I still apologized for it I just couldn’t stop. Jason’s grip on me tightened only slightly before slipping away and for a single moment I was terrified I’d annoyed him with all the apologies and was about to add that to my list of them when two strong arms wrapped around me and and Dick’s scent surrounded me.

“ Shh shh shh shhh….shhh Gracie its ok now shh shh its ok I got you its not your fault…” I sniffled and wailed out more sobs and begs for forgiveness as I clung to him like he was a life preserver. And at that moment he was. He hugged me tighter and practically cradled me into his chest stroking my hair as he murmured reassurances, assuring me I was well forgiven and it wasn’t my fault. Everyone got insecurities especially when facing so much negativity. How I was so strong for fighting it for so long regardless. But it was ok to not always be strong and be able to handle it. That he was there and it was ok now. It took awhile but eventually all my noise quieted down to sniffles and hiccups and the occasional whimper as my trembling and heaving finally eased away into a limp tiredness. I felt exhausted but in a way different than the past couple days. I felt lighter and the more Dick spoke gently the lighter and more relaxed I felt,all the pain easing as he banished every dark thought one by one.

“ You ARE a hero Gracie.”

“ you aren’t a skeleton or a scarecrow or a twig.”

“ You are not too bony.”

“ You’re beautiful.”

“ You aren’t sick and you don’t need any doctors.”

“ You’re ok. The way your body works and retains weight naturally is not your fault.”

“ You’re only thirteen you’re still growing kiddo.”

“ I was scrawny and thin until I was at least sixteen Gracie its not that uncommon.”

“ You do NOT have to hold yourself to stupid human beauty standards.”

“ You’re beautiful to us, that’s all that matters.”

“ You’re ok, you have us.”

Each and every statement cleared my mind and I slumped against him with tears still falling down my cheeks. His hand carefully cupped the back of my neck in a soothing gesture to ease the wolf side of me, adding a very small amount of pressure to ensure the sense of security and safety the movement brought. I whispered out a hoarse thank you, my throat sore and raw but already beginning to heal. He smiled into my hair and I let my eyes slip shut in contentment. I felt...stabilized, as if the whole world had been constantly tilted dangerously under my feet for months and now it had finally been returned to normal, balancing me once again.

I felt a second, no technically third, hand tangle itself into my thick and greasy hair and ruffle it affectionately, fingers tangling themselves in the dark chestnut locks.

“ We’re always here for you kid. Whether you like it or not. You can be honest and confide in your inner circle Gracie. We aren’t going to look at you any differently...so next time don’t keep your mouth shut.” My nerves settled and I leaned into his hand with a loud hiccup, making him snort. I looked up and saw both older men smiling down at me, both with their own kind of soft expressions. I rubbed my eyes and wiped my nose and smiled back shakily, feeling like everything was going to be ok for the first time in a long while.

I learned a few things a few hours later, after I’d fallen asleep in Dicks arms and woke up on the couch out in the Tower’s game room with Garfield and Jaime looking after me. My head was resting on Garfield’s leg and he had his elbow rested on my upper arm comfortably as he and Jaime played some kind of two player video game, keeping their voices lower than usual to be considerate of me sleeping. Opening my eyes was difficult as they felt dry and crusted and stung from crying so much. But my throat was no longer sore. When they saw I was awake they paused the game and and told me they were happy I was up, as I had been out cold for at least a solid couple hours. That was when I learned the first thing : Dick and Kori had informed the team of the incident at the restaurant after the first day I stayed locked up in my room, and Garfield had let it slip in his rage that he thought I had finally stopped getting those comments, and confessed that I’d been getting bullied and harassed about my appearance online for months. What I found out was all those months what I failed to notice was Garfield fighting back on my behalf every chance he got. He defended me, constantly called people out for harassment and even worked on getting some of the worst and most aggressive ones banned. For months he’d been do it as relentlessly as he could, filling his own social medias with both our pictures and his constant defense and positivity towards me to fight it back. It got lost in my own comment section so I stupidly didn’t realize. It warmed my heart knowing he’d kept my back even when I never noticed or mentioned it, though he waved it off and just gave me his big old smile telling me it wasn’t that big a deal,

“ After all, you’d do the same for me in a heartbeat!” And he wasn’t wrong. But I still hugged him tight in thanks anyway, an embrace he happily returned as he warned me next time I lied about being harassed there’d be hell to pay.

I assured him there wasn’t going to be a next time anymore and for the first time in months finally wholeheartedly meant it.

The second thing I learned was Jaime told me during those first two days I was locking myself away Damian had gone back to the restaurant and used Bruce’s name to hunt that guy that had been harassing me down and gotten a few hefty harassment charges and minor endangerment charges slapped onto the guy, throwing in a sob story of how I was now in emergency care in the hospital because of him. I knew he didn’t throw his last name around often, didn’t exactly like having to do so to be taken seriously. The fact he did for me…

I had a lot more feelings for Damian after that knowledge.

The third thing I learned was that the only reason Dick and Kori hadn’t come by to check on me yesterday was was because they spent the entire time hunting for Jason to get his help with getting me out, and when they DID find him he stormed for the tower and made it there before they did somehow, he was that angry.

As they were telling me this and retelling a very tense video call between Nightwing and Batman during the second day Damian came in in his full Robin attire, regarding us stoically. When I saw him I stood and the room quieted as I approached him, the both of us observing each other. When we stood a foot apart I stared into his masked eyes quietly and he looked into my tired eyes. I saw his mouth start to open to speak and my body lurched forward without me, hugging onto him tightly.

“Thank you...you didn’t have to do that for me thank you thank you thank you…” He was quiet and I was about to let go and move away when I felt his arm come around me and grip the back of my shirt, returning the embrace. Neither of us was at a point that we were really physically affectionate by any means but my heart swelled when he hugged me back, leaning his head against my own and allowing me to bask in the warmth of his arms and his scent. When I felt him roll his shoulders I took that as my cue and slowly pulled away, gently pressing a kiss to his cheek as I did before retreating back to give him his space.

I think I saw his cheek flare pink but I’ll never say for sure because that would mean admitting just how red my own cheeks were.

I’d love to say that after that everything ended happily and perfectly and things went great forever and ever. But I cant, life doesn’t work like that.

But things did get better.

I was under heavy supervision several weeks, with almost stricter watches on my food intake to make sure I didn’t try to over eat or try to force weight gain. Bruce had me stay with him and Damian for a few weeks as well to make sure I didn’t slip back into that dark place. It was a bit smothering at times...but in all honesty I welcomed the smothering because I knew it meant how much they all cared. And staying with Bruce again...it brought up my mood believe it or not. Being in the manor brought back happier memories of my childhood and seeing the man I considered a fatherly figure more often perked me up. Plus I got to see Tim a lot more than usual in those few weeks, a perk and joy all in itself as he kept me company when he wasn’t too busy with his work. Tim was also the one who disabled all comments on my social medias one calm rainy evening in the lounge. I was grateful and he patted my head after as he read his case files. I think I might’ve fallen asleep against him, I cant say I fully remember. With each passing week I felt better and better. It took a long time for my self esteem and confidence to rebuild itself, but it got some jump starts. Perhaps the best part was two months later after a sparring session with Kori. She was giving me tips on striking with a staff when Dick and the big bad bat Brucie himself walked in.

“ Batman? Has something happened?” He shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder.

“ I’m going to borrow Gracie for a few minutes.” Dick gently took her hand and smiled as he whispered something to her as he led me out of the training room and placed a long bottle of what looked like red chewy vitamins into my hand. When I looked up at him confused he gave me some of the best news of my life.

“ These are specially created vitamins designed to accommodate your body’s inhuman metabolism. Tim helped me create them. They're designed to help regulate fats and carb distribution in your body and allow your body to hold onto and gain more weight without immediately burning it off. Take one every week and in a few months you should be up at least one weight class if not more as long as you keep to your regular healthy eating habits, just like you wanted. By Tim’s calculations within the year you should gain enough weight to have a thicker figure, though you may always retain this thinner “ballet-ques” figure...you will more closely resemble the figure of girls your age.” I stared up at him then at the vitamins and sniffled, fighting off tears of joy. All those weeks with Tim and his seemingly just curious questions about my species and their anatomy...the “ case files”...I owed Tim a lot for this.

“ It was Dick’s idea, after all that happened two months ago.” The softer tone brought a smile to my face and I nodded, barely restraining the urge to hug Bruce while he was in the cowl.

“ T-thank you...thank you this means more to me than you know…” He nodded and turned to leave but I caught the ghost of a smile on his face as he walked away.

And once he had I ran back into the training room and tackled Dick to the ground with a ecstatic howl, shifting mid leap into wolf form and licking his face in gratitude, making him laugh as he lazily tried to push away my affection.

I started taking them that day, and it took a few months for a noticeable difference to take place, but it did. My clothes and uniform stopped hanging off me like a walking scarecrow and I started developing the beginning of a feminine figure. I stopped trying to stuff my face too much at every meal and with every week after my self esteem raised back up a little higher. Maybe people saw it in the big, wide crooked smiles in pictures of me now, no matter who they were with. Or maybe the team saw it in the fact I stopped trying to hide my body in layers of clothes, walking around in my favorite tank top after missions instead of over sized sweatshirts and shirts, or the fact I didn't mind sudden pictures taken of me. Regardless it showed and in time I was more than happy to show off that confidence. Throughout it all Jason made near constant visits between jobs to make sure I didn’t have too major of setbacks and Dick stayed by my side as often as he could, supporting me and being a physical reminder almost that I was never alone.

And I didn't feel alone.

And one day as I was getting ready for an outing I paused in front of the mirror and looked at myself, looked at my slightly more filled out tank top and the small curve of slightly more defined hips and an actually fairly filled out stomach, a fuller figure to match my broader than normal shoulders. I slowly looked into my own eyes and after a moment I began to smile.

Somehow….I didn't hate looking into the mirror as much as I used to.

“ I do not look that bad. I look fine.”

“ Gracie c’mon you coming? C’mon the others are gonna leave without us!”

I smiled at my reflection wider before running off out of the room after Jaime’s voice.

“ Im coming!!”

I dont look that bad.

And now I could finally start to see that.

The end.

OOOOOOOH ITS FINALLY DONE ITS FINALLY DONE! 

Ive been working on this for three months now and it was really difficult to finish. Originally it wasnt supposed to be so angsty but...it turned out really angsty at the end.

@phantommoonpeople

@kid-crashed

@call-me-n0ni-chan

Tagging those I know will want to read this

I hope you all like it!!

[fanfictionconnectionwordpress]

Mystic Messenger Fanfiction | SevenxMC Good Ending Continued | Ch. 12 Surprise Hack

***I've started doing headcanons on tumblr again! Which I think is super exciting, but I don't know about you. Here's the link to my masterlist. On that note, we're gonna get back into some Seven and MC. ~Let's Connect! FFC***

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I rubbed at my eyes, stepping out of our bedroom and looking around. Where was my husband? The RFA party was nearly upon us, and we were currently on crunch-time to finalize the guest list. He'd been a little on edge as soon as I'd mentioned that I would be inviting those hackers again, the ones who were looking for Grandma Choi - their nemesis. I had thought he would find it funny, maybe I was wrong.

Saeyoung hadn't hacked in a very long time, so maybe it was something about not wanting to be reminded of his sordid past. My heart sank at the thought that I might have hurt my husband. He certainly wouldn't have told me if I had. Lately, he spent all of his time making toys and gadgets - things that our daughters could play with as well as more of those cat robots. Jumin had taken an interest to them for a business plan. It was almost to the point where I was going to suggest he open a toy-shop and sell his little creations that way. Maybe I was crazy, but I seemed to remember him mentioning a dream he'd had like that in the past.

My eyes landed on the door to his computer room - the door slightly cracked and light spilling out of it into our darkened living room. Now I was even more confused. What would he be doing in his computer room when he was supposed to be asleep in bed next to me? I pushed the door open slowly - my eyes widening as I saw him clicking away at the computer. Not that I didn't normally see him on the computer, but there were walls of coded text all over the monitors.

It was almost too much for my bleary eyes to take. Blinking hard, I had to rub at them once more just to refocus. When I did, my husband was wincing as he rubbed at his arm - over the injury he'd sustained during the Mint Eye debacle. "What are you doing?" Back then, Vanderwood had said he might never hack again if he didn't get treated quickly. It was quite obvious that the activity was causing pain.

He had his headphones on - probably listening to something louder than he should be, so he hadn't even heard me. With a grumble, I approached - pulling the offending item off his ears and repeating my question as my husband turned his head to look at me in shock. "Um...Nothing!" He hastily shut down all of the monitors with a key command - turning in his swivel chair to smile nervously at me. His eyes flicked to the monitors and back to me several times.

This was even more suspicious than it had been in the first place now. Saeyoung was officially in big trouble. I just didn't know for what yet. My hands ended up on my hips as I leaned forward - a dark glare in my eyes as I mumbled. "Oh yeah? Then why aren't you in bed?" He was chewing on his cheek - a dark blush rising. "Uh...You know...I just got really excited about something - Wait!"

Suddenly, he jumped up, making my heart nearly escape up into my throat in surprise before I just got even crankier. "What are you doing out of bed, young missy? Off you go! I do declare!" His hands pushed at my shoulders - making me turn around before he put his hands on my back and started to march me out the door. At this point, I was just going to let him. At least then I could trap him with me in the bedroom and make him reveal his secret.

Then, his monitors started to go crazy. There was a high-pitched whirring sound, and as I turned my head slightly I could see a red and glitching skull across them. "What in the-" Saeyoung was done pushing at me now - turning swiftly around and trying to close the computer room door on me before I slunk my way in. My glare was even more intense than it had been previously. All I got was an apologetic and nervous expression before the whirring got louder. "Well, fix it! Preferably before it wakes our girls."

Now he was moving again - slamming into his computer chair so quickly that it took him around once before he stopped himself and got to typing. Once again, the monitors were filled with code. None of it made any sense to me. Why was Saeyoung hacking again? Was he bored? Had something happened? Could someone be after us? "Sae-" I frowned, pausing my question as something on the screen actually became legible. There were some notes up at the top. "Oh, Grandma Choi - I thought you'd died of a heart attack." A little further down it said, "Let the battle continue!"

"You're battling the hacker group that's been trying to find you?" My tone was completely incredulous, but Saeyoung just grunted a soft affirmation - his focus clearly elsewhere. What on Earth was he thinking? I had half a mind to pull on the back of his chair and just yank him right out of the room. On the other hand, it was intoxicating to watch him working. I'd seen it before at my apartment, but the way he got absorbed into the codes that made no sense to me was amazing.

That didn't mean he wasn't still in trouble. When this was over, I was going to give him a piece of my mind. Saeyoung made another grunt - going to press his hand over that wound again. The computer brought up a skull on one of the other monitors, and I pushed his hand aside to replace it with mine. "MC, what are you-?" I just shook my head, indicating the monitors with my chin. "Hack." My husband's face turned from confusion to a smirk - lifting his other hand to give a quick salute. "As my lady commands."

If someone asked me how long we were there working on this, I couldn't possibly answer. It seemed to be over so quickly, yet my hand was tired from the constant massaging over my husband's injury. The screens were declaring, "Victory" in bright green letters when Saeyoung pulled his hands away - letting out a satisfied sigh before punching his fist in the air. "Defender of Justice strikes again!" With a shake of my head, I pulled my hand away. "So, that's what nothing is, is it?"

His hand went to the back of his head as he chewed on his cheek - trying to come up with some sort of answer for me. "Yeah..." With a shake of my head and a roll of my eyes, I reached for his hand - pulling him from his chair and towards the bedroom. "What was that even about?" Saeyoung seemed a little taken aback that I was so calm - stuttering out an answer. "I uh...it was a thing that we did last time when you first invited them. They tried to hack me again as part of deciding whether they needed to come or not. Just to make sure they actually needed whatever information they might get at the party."

That actually made a good deal of sense. Why come after all if you had managed to hack the information you needed at the last minute? I could understand that, though I was none too pleased with some other aspects of this. "You shouldn't have just done that...Your injury was hurting you. Why didn't you ask for my help or let me know?" Saeyoung squeezed my hand - looking away from me just as we entered our bedroom. "I kind of wanted to see if I could still do it, and I thought you'd be angry."

He turned to look at me again, a broad smile on his face as he chuckled at himself. "I guess you kinda were angry, huh?" That earned him another eye roll, though I had a smile on my face. "I wonder why." Saeyoung leaned in to press a quick kiss to my forehead. "Yeah, me too? How weird! I never do anything wrong. My wife adores me." My husband now let go of my hand and flopped into the bed. "That's why she'll except my apology and come give me some cuddles!...You will, right?"

His tone seemed to mix between serious and joking. Sometimes it really hurt to know that he was always worried I was just going to walk away from him or hurt him. "Very right." As I snuggled into him, I felt that now familiar warmth in my heart like only he could grant me. It was good to be loved - to love him. "Just no more surprise hacking." This was mumbled into his shoulder as I nuzzled in, soon getting a peck to the top of my head that made me hide my face even more against him. "Yes ma'am!"

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[minaminokyoko]

A Love Letter to Black Panther

Disclaimer: Y'all gon' get tired of hearing me scream, "WAKANDA FOREVERRRRRRR!"

Because I mean it. Bless this movie, man. This is everything I have ever dreamt of seeing from a black superhero with an all black cast. They couldn't have done a better job. This movie is a vision, fully realized. It's going to leave a very important impact on pop culture at large and I am so here for that. I've been a black nerd since birth, and to be given a big budget film with a 90% black cast that is backed by a studio giant is so gratifying I can see why some people left the theater in tears of joy. It's not that we haven't had black films before that did well. It's not that we're not giving credit to Blade for being a (mostly) successful film franchise with a black hero at the helm. It's all the elements lining up from having Ryan Coogler direct to grabbing actually African cast members to being marketed during the Superbowl--which is the most expensive ad time you can buy on television--to seeing an amazing integration of tradition, science fiction, and modern topics that are relevant to the black community. I sound like I'm overstating things, but I truly am so happy with how this film turned out. It wasn't a cheap cash grab. It was a genuine attempt to weave a story about African and black culture based around a whole lot of ass-whuppin' and I can't wait to dive in. Follow me, Wakandans.

Naturally, spoiler alert.

Let's start with the man himself, the King of Wakanda, T'Challa. First of all, I knew I'd love him since Civil War. Most people went for Tony or Steve and came out of that movie going, "OH MY GOD BLACK PANTHER IS THE FUCKING BADDEST I CANNOT WAIT FOR HIS SOLO MOVIE DUDE." We all knew he was a total badass, but what I left this movie with was a sincere love for the mercy and compassion he showed us in this film. It's very easy in a position with that kind of power to let it corrupt you and become jaded, but the gestures he made in this film were so lovely. I love that he was outraged by his father trying to erase history with what happened to his uncle and cousin. He was genuinely angry and hurt by it all and in the end, he showed so much kindness by letting Kilmonger see the sunrise before he died that it was honestly touching. I love T'Challa because he has such a big heart. It’s an incredibly important perspective to provide, as much of the world still sees black men as angry, dangerous thugs incapable of kindness. He has flaws as well, like his anger issues and naivete, and that's what makes his journey so compelling. It's very easy to write a royalty character as above it all, but that's why Thor: Ragnarok was so well received recently: they knocked Thor off his princely pedestal and brought him down to our level. We understand what T'Challa is going through even though we aren't royalty. He has a homeland to protect and a family to look after in his father's absence, much like we have our own responsibilities trying to tug us in a thousand different ways. I love that he challenged his father and brought about a new era, extending his help to the world. T'Challa is an excellent character and Chadwick Boseman did a hell of a job with him.

As a black woman, you know what's coming next. My girls Nakia, Okoye, and Shuri. Where do I even start? First of all, let me raise my fist for some lovely dark-skinned women getting the spotlight in a major superhero film franchise. Now, don't get me wrong--I absolutely freaking LOVED Tessa Thompson in Thor: Ragnarok. She slayed. But my heart is just bursting with pride at these beautiful badass women who are given weight, agency, and attention in this film. I have absolutely nothing against light-skinned women at all, but I do acknowledge that they tend to get roles easier than dark-skinned women because society still has this idiotic aversion to them because of the establishment's idea of beauty. It was such a rush to see each woman on screen having inner conflict and deciding what side of the line they would stand on. I love Nakia's stubborn nature and her hesitance to join the fray, but the second T'Challa was gone, she switched into spy mode and she did the damn thing. She saved the people who cared about her, she saved Ross, and she stood up for her country as well as the other people out there who needed her help. You are a diamond, Nakia. Okoye is probably going to come out of this film as the runaway favorite, if you ask me. I mean, Danai Gurira is already worshiped for her role as the amazing Michonne on The Walking Dead, but seeing her here, slicing and stabbing and beating the tar out of everyone while struggling with her loyalty to the Wakandan throne just gives me all the feels. I adored her sharp tongue and her grumpy frown and her impossible awesomeness. Then there's Shuri. I can't express my delight with her. She was such an adorable, witty addition to the team. I fully admit that I fell for the low-hanging fruit: the "WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE!" joke was hilarious even though I know no one over the age of thirty is going to have a single clue what she was referencing. I loved her calling Ross "colonizer." Shuri was throwing shade left and right and it was glorious. Furthermore, having her be the gadget gal of the film was brilliantly done. I loved her enthusiasm and her amazing tech. I loved that she bravely fought even though she was inexperienced. She was such a great character and I look forward to seeing beautiful little girls idolizing her mind and her strength in the future.

Kilmonger is definitely one of the strongest villains in the MCU so far. Most people ding Marvel for having thin villains, and that's not an unfair assessment. In my opinion, it's Cutting Room Floor issues. When you have to tell a story in two and a half hours, sometimes there's just too much content that you're excited to fit in and you just can't get it in there, so you take out chunks related to the villain to avoid the hero having an unsatisfying character arc. It's not a great idea, because then your villain isn't three dimensional and it can diminish the overall enjoyment of the film. Kilmonger is the answer to that problem. He had a reason for what he did, and while it wasn't an excuse for his cruelty, it definitely made you think about the fact that every good villain is a hero in his own mind. Kilmonger's plan even tempted someone in T'Challa's camp because it had a serious amount of relevance not only to Africans but black people all over the world. Wanting to stomp out oppression, especially in this day and age, is a trap I think a lot of people can fall into. I love the almost Shakespearean tragedy of it all, that maybe this could have been avoided if T'Chaka stayed behind and explained to the boy where he came from and that he had no choice. It probably wouldn't have worked, but just abandoning the kid with his dead father was ice-cold, and it's more tragic that it was done out of good intentions in T'Chaka's mind. I love that T'Challa sympathized with Erik and even offered to save him in the end. That has weight. That's excellent writing. I do admit, though, that Michael B. Jordan is definitely a young actor, because he was hamming it up pretty hard in certain scenes, but overall the kid did well with the role.

The costume design and scenery were just breathtaking. Man, I love the visuals we got to see. African culture is so vibrant and interesting. I'm really delighted knowing millions of people will get some exposure to all the different aspects and traditions it has to offer.

The soundtrack is killer. From the score to the tracks, it was done truly well.

Andy Serkis as Claw (although I don't appreciate the bait and switch, I can live with it; Marvel always kills their villains that are not Loki and even he is probably going to die in Infinity War). I knew he was an oddball in Age of Ultron, but damn, was he a complete nutcase. I appreciate how completely insane he was the whole time with no real explanation as to why. The simple glee on his face when he giggles, "I made it rain!" was just flawless. He might have the market corned for wackiest Marvel villain thus far. I'm sad that we only got to enjoy two performances from Serkis, but they were still entertaining as hell.

The action sequences had me floored. This is one thing I've always adored about Marvel films. The pacing is always excellent and they know how to wow you. If you follow me at all, you'll know one of the numerous reasons I hated the Justice League movie is that there was NO imagination in ANY of the fight scenes. Black Panther offers some of the best and most creative scenes to enjoy, from hand to hand combat to flipping cars with a fucking vibranium spear. I was cringing and twitching in my seat like I was playing a VR of Tekken, for God's sake. These fight scenes were so well done (though I will ding the film for lighting issues; the jungle scene suffered badly from that problem, as did at least one other one to my chagrin) and I loved everyone's various weapons and fighting styles.

MY BOY BUCKY AT THE END CREDITS YOOOOOOOO. I am infatuated with the idea that the Wakandans analyzed him and have been slowly helping him recover from being brainwashed and abused. It made my cold, petrified heart all warm inside when he smiled and looked out over the water. I just want Bucky to be happy, okay?! Leave me alone!

Well, I've gone on long enough, haven't I? I regret nothing, honestly. This is like The Dark Knight all over again: one of those rare instances when the hype for something was so crazy that we were sure it couldn't deliver, but not only did it deliver, it kicked the hell out of all expectations. I can't wait to see where the road will lead from here. My wish and hope is that this movie does so damn well that Hollywood opens its damned eyes and listens to what we have been saying since the beginning: we want diversity and we want it well done and we want it now. Stop relying on the old ideals of a market that we outgrew decades ago. Black people are just as complex and interesting as everyone else on the planet, and it's time you woke up. We've been doing it ourselves with all kinds of various projects from comic books to novels to short films and you can either lead, follow, or get out the way, as Jidenna once said. Your move, Hollywood.

WAKANDA FOREVER.

[unorthodoxpartofyourworld]

Daenerys as a anti-villain (more like Hero Antagonist, really)

Okay I feel like I’m already walking into a den of dragons writing this but it’s been on my mind for a while.

Here’s the thing fam: I love Daenerys. She’s badass, strong, independent, intelligent, and all around a very interesting character. She’s inspired me more than once over the course of the 4 years I’ve been watching the show. She has such an interesting and controversial arc and she’s also such a charismatic character that you can’t help but root for her. 

Quick fact about me: I love villains. Anti-heroes, anti-villains, morally grey character and complex morals are intriguing and fascinating to me. That’s what makes Game of Thrones THAT much more interesting to me. There are no black and white characters. Each character is a dive into complexities and realities of humanity, war, love, politics, desperation, family, loyalty, etc etc

I love the show bc each character isn’t what you expect them to be. I expected to hate Cersei Lannister and for a while I did, but more than anything, she forced me to think about why I hated her. I was in high school when I started the show and I can say that Cersei Lannister more or less single-handedly got me truly interested in pursuing ethics (philosophy major now what’s good Nietzsche). And the more I thought about her, the more I analyzed all the other characters and just WOW there’s so much in this show (and the books!!!!!!!) that are just exploring humanity and the many faces it has. 

I can write a meta for every single character and what I think about them but Daenerys is fascinating to me bc I think she’s GRRM’s crowning achievement. He took this young, naive girl and transformed her into this powerful warrior queen while subtly creating this journey where she becomes more callous, dark, and unreasonable all while she’s wearing this mask of justice and truly believes that what she’s doing is G O O D.

She’s one of the only characters that’s so bitterly argued about (and considering other GRRM characters, that’s quite a feat) bc there are so many questionable aspects of her story but she is so sure of herself and her arc is so inspiring and tragic that we can’t help BUT root for her. 

But see, there’s a reason why the attack on the loot train in Field Of Fire was told from Jaime and Tyrion’s perspective. We’ve seen Daenerys taking over with fire and blood before, but those were all told mainly from her perspective. And see, what she did wasn’t morally reprehensible either - she was trying to save millions of people from slavery and frankly brutal conditions. But that’s the lovely thing about GoT. Nothing is ever that easy. Economic realities, rebellion, complex power structures and THE REALITY OF WAR turned her righteous mission into a bloodbath and more or less a failure (read: Meereen). While it turns out okay (more or less?) Daenerys is still in this position with what equates to a nuclear weapon and in her eyes, she has justification to do what she has to in order to reach her goal. But see, Daenerys also plays into “the end justifies the means” school of thought and THAT IS DANGEROUS. But still, throughout this whole sequence, we see bits and pieces of these emerging dark consequences, but the story overall is focused on her as a warrior queen with the power to change the world. ‘Dracarys’ became such a huge hit in pop culture and throughout the fandom. She’s iconic. She’s kickass. She’s strong. She uses her power for what’s right.

(What I love about this is that it’s so fucking real. When someone truly believes in their goals and will go to any lengths to achieve it, this “the ends justify the means” rationale comes in and that’s so common in real life and it’s this fascinating look into how rationale like this can become toxic and dangerous, slowly but surely)

Fast forward to season 7, we’ve got our girl claiming the Iron Throne as her right and all this talk about taking Westeros back, but I think for the first time in the show, the consequences of her plan are truly unveiled with honest, gritty realism. Field of Fire shows the harsh reality of what Daenerys’ path to the Iron Throne will actually cost not just the other houses, but all of Westeros and millions of civilians. 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this whole sequence is through the eyes of Jamie “the Kingslayer” Lannister. “Fire and blood” is exactly what this man has been trying to avoid. We’re meant to see the destruction and chaos through Jamie’s eyes. We’re meant to realize exactly what war with dragons actually means. Also, we don’t really know much about the mad kind, save that he was paranoid, mad, and was a pyromaniac. But Daenerys? We know her. We’ve seen her grow, change, and evolve into this powerful woman who holds values and tries her best to be just, fair, and embodies a queen. This is another example of how GoT delves into morally grey characters, actions, and the reality of truly seeing all sides of the story. 

Daenerys is not evil. She’s not crazy. I don’t believe that she’ll ever be evil or fully go crazy. Daenerys is the character that could’ve been perfect, amazing, the chosen one. She’s fierce, she’s powerful, she’s just. She’s a shoo-in ….until we take a closer look at what she’s paving the road to the Iron Throne with. Fire and blood.

At the risk of seeming really childish (blame my little 10-year-old sister), I want to parallel her to Tai Lung from Kung Fu Panda. Hear me out!

Tai Lung’s backstory is actually pretty heartbreaking. He was taken in by Shifu when he was just a baby and brought up as Shifu’s own son. Shifu sees he has a talent for martial arts and begins to train him. Tai Lung spends all this time excelling and working his ass off and everyone praises him for it. He’s smart, powerful, talented, and straight up badass. He seems like a shoo-in for the Dragon Warrior, right? And see, his intentions weren’t bad either. He wanted to become the Dragon Warrior. He had goals, ambitions, and he truly believed that he was the best warrior for the title. He trained hard, he pushed himself, he refused to accept failure, doing in what his eyes, was justified. 

But then comes Oogway, the all-knowing turtle. (Man, if only there was an Oogway in GoT - wait, Bran???)

Oogway sees “darkness in his heart” and refuses to let Tai Lung have the Dragon Warrior scroll. Hearing this, Tai Lung goes nuts, destroying everything in his path to get the scroll, trying to steal it, and ultimately, forever confirming that he - without a doubt - could never be the Dragon Warrior. 

(gif ain’t mine)

See, Daenerys believes she is the rightful heir to the throne. She works her ass off for it. She builds armies, raises dragons, overcomes impossible odds, allies herself with the right people and sets sail for Westeros, a place that she was told people still cry for a Targaryen on the throne. Everyone around her believes in her and follows her because they buy into her agenda (copyright: Marco Rubio’s excuse for accepting NRA donations - that’s a whole other rant). She gets praise and support from almost everyone surrounding her. She’s in a bubble. When she gets to Westeros, she realizes that this will be an uphill battle for her. She is seen as a foreign invader, a strange queen with the power of dragons in her hands. Yikes. 

When Tyrion’s plan doesn’t work out and things don’t go her way, what does she do? She flies to the Reach and burns everything in sight. The battle itself is surreal and the damage is horrific. 

(gifs not mine)

And see, the thing is, IT’S WAR. It’s hard. It’s gruesome. Things have to be done. It’s WAR. But when you have DRAGONS, essentially a Westerosi nuke, and you use them so freely and easily, that says a lot about how you see the world and the people you’re conquering. She doesn’t really see them anymore. 

Yeah, I know, rather bold statement, but let me back up here. Remember when I said that even with a just cause, the idea that the end justifies the means is a dangerous rationale? THIS IS WHY. 

When your end goal justifies anything and everything you do along the way to get there, it erases the weight of the consequences. It erases accountability. I thought it was curious how Dany was rather rude and dismissive of Tyrion this season and I realized that now that she’s so close to her goal, her rationale is becoming toxic. Tyrion and Varys keep her accountable, but she’s slowly pushing them away. She threatens to burn Varys (albeit, after having him promise to TELL her when she’s out of line, but that entire scene was wrought with threats and tension) and disregards Tyrion more and more. Her accountability is being erased. 

So she does things like this. She does things like burning the Tarlys for refusing to bend the knee. Because it’s a small sacrifice to the end goal of peace and prosperity in Westeros. She floods a field of unknowing soldiers with fire. Because they are preventing me from my birthright, the Iron Throne. She wants to rush King’s Landing with her dragons (thankfully, Tyrion talked her out of this one). Because I am the only one who can change the world. 

And that is what makes the most compelling villains. The ones who believe that they’re genuiney doing the right thing. A lot of my favorite characters are these anti-villains - Light from Death Note, Rodrigo and Cesare Borgia from the Borgias, almost all the villians from Once Upon A Time, Gabriel and Lucifer from Supernatural (tbh most supernatural characters who am I kidding), Sandman, SCARFACE, Loki, the list goes on and on (and tbh MOST GoT characters fit this mold bc IT’S A SHOW ABOUT EXPLORING MORALLY GREY CHARACTERS AND SITUATIONS)

To end this rant, here are two definitions from the TV tropes website. Decide for yourself who fits into what. 

An Anti-Villain is the opposite of an Anti-Hero — a villain with heroic goals, personality traits, and/or virtues. Their desired ends are mostly good, but their means of getting there are evil. Alternatively, their desired ends are evil, but far more ethical or moral than most villains and they thus use fairly benign means to achieve it, and can be heroic on occasion.

A Hero Antagonist is a character who is an antagonist (that is, they oppose The Protagonist), yet is still technically a hero. They oppose the main character and may not even have Sympathetic P.O.V., but their objectives are things like Saving the World, foiling evil plans, helping the helpless, and otherwise working For Great Justice. A tweaking of the narrative could easily make them a sympathetic protagonist, and thus, a proper example of The Hero.

TL;DR Dany isn’t this evil villain, but I do believe that she’s going to come out as an antagonist bc so much of her arc is about her goal justifying everything she does to get there. 

Sorry for the ridiculously long ramble! Lmk your thoughts

[mrsrcbinscn]

Based on a photograph Franny found of her mother, and her mother said she was singing You’re so Vain in the photo

 CW: mentions of war and genocide but no descriptions; the film takes place before 1975 so it wasn’t actively happening

Title: Dear Phnom Penh

Executive produced by: Franny Sor Robinson

Release date: April 22nd (Cambodia); May 6th (special screening at Pride U), May 8th (worldwide)

 Franny produced and selected the music for a movie set in pre-Khmer rouge Cambodia with dialogue in Khmer, French, and a little in English. The backdrop of the film is Cambodia, 1973, two years before the start of the Cambodian genocide.The main character is a university student named Pen Chenda, in the midst of her coming of age during the Cambodian Civil War (1968-1975) that led into the Khmer Rogue years (1975-1979) and subsequent genocide. Chenda almost can’t remember what life was like before there was war. Her older siblings tell her and their younger siblings stories of what peacetime was like, but her oldest brother laughs and says it wasn’t peacetime at all. Her oldest brother supports the communists, her father is a Lon Nol supporter, this causes tensions in their family mostly through snide comments at dinner and muffled shouting heard from outside her bedroom while she works on her coursework in one scene, and then is getting dressed to party in another.

 The Cambodian Civil War is in the background of the film, it is not a film about the Cambodian Civil War. It’s about Pen Chenda, a twenty year old university student, trying to pass her classes, earn money at her part-time job at a hotel for European tourists, maintain a social life, and keep her father and brother from ripping each other’s throats out while carrying on a clandestine romance with San Mittapheap / “Pierre” San, a journalist five years older than her who speaks fluent French and English and often works with French, American, and Australian journalists covering the war. One of her sisters snitched to their parents that she was sweet on a journalist because she blamed Chenda for telling her parents that she sneaked out of the house one night, but really it was another sister who ratted on her, and her parents forbade her from seeing him.

 “You know what happens to journalists and their families because they can’t keep their noses where they belong. Do you want to be collateral damage to your husband’s folly?”

 But Chenda is in looooooove and he’s so intelligent, and insightful, and he’s helping her improve her French and English!

 There’s a scene at a bar where Chenda sings You’re So Vain, like Franny’s mother in the picture, when a wealthy classmate of hers is being rude and hitting on her despite her repeatedly rejecting him that night, and even earlier in the movie.

 There’s another brief scene in the bar where Chenda’s dancing with her friends, then she sees the time and is abruptly like “gotta go bye!”

 After Chenda leaves the bar, she meets Pierre for street food instead of going straight home. They munch on chicken skewers and walk through Phnom Penh. A banana seller who clearly lost one of his legs to war hobbles on crutches and drunk!Chenda directly acknowledges the times they live in for the first time in the film.

 “Do you think the communists are right?” She asks Pierre after the man passes.

 Pierre is silent for a long moment, and the film’s score even fades out. It’s dead silent before he replies. “I think Prince Sihanouk and Lon Nol aren’t friends of the people. But I don’t know that Pol Pot is either. I think Ho Chi Mihn in Vietnam has better ideas than Pol Pot has got. And I think any leader that calls for blood louder than he calls to end suffering does not deserve to be a leader. I’ve heard rumors that he himself isn’t even one of the downtrodden he claims to fight for.”

 “Do you think Cambodia will be at war forever?”

 “I think France and America had no business being in our land in the first place, and war won’t ever stop if they’re still here. And if they leave...I don’t know that it will either. It’s like they’re begging us to flee to their borders to survive, but I’ve been to the West. They hate us there. Don’t destroy our homeland, and we will stay in it.”

 “My father supports Lon Nol. My oldest brother supports the communists. My sisters and I aren’t allowed to have an opinion on politics, but I’m afraid I have one and it’s that both Ba and Akrun are idiots. I’m worried most about the war destroying my family. Is that selfish?”

 “You love your family, don’t you?”

 “Yes.”

 “That’s why you’re worried, yes?”

 “Yes?”

 “Then no, I wouldn’t call that selfish. Love isn’t selfish. If it’s selfish, it isn’t love.”

 “The Bible. Are you just now telling me you are a Christian?”

 “No, just familiar with them. I happen to think they had the right idea about that quote. Are you?”

 “No, just familiar with them.”

 “I shouldn’t walk any close to your house. Your father will give you hell if he sees me...I’ll watch you walk in from here.”

 Chenda kisses Pierre and tells him she loves him, waves goodbye, and runs the rest of the way to her front door.

 The film ends in the next scene, with Chenda riding her bicycle to school the next day. She stops at a newspaper stand while waiting to cross a street and happens to look over. She spots a paper with the front page story having Pierre’s by line and she scrambles to pay for it before she’s clear to cross the street. 

 “My husband writes for this paper,” she fibs. “I want to keep his articles for our children.”

 “You have children, student?” says the newspaper stand guy.

 “Someday.” She manages to roll the paper up and put it in her backpack just before her time to cross the street.

 The camera slowly zooms out to reveal a scene of a bustling 1973 city and ultimately fades to black and the credits roll.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

 A selection of questions and answers Franny’s answered about the film in interviews:

 What made you want to make this film? And how did you do it? You have some background in acting, but this is your first time being with a project from start to finish.

 Thank you, that’s a great question. So, the idea’s been with me for a long time. As anybody that’s followed my career will know, or who knows me in my personal life, I can’t shut up about three things. Cambodia, social justice, and banjos. When I was about to get married, my mother and I were goin’ through her photos that she managed to get her hands on from Cambodia. There was a picture of her at a bar singing with a microphone in her hand. I had no idea she liked to sing, at least not publicly, so I was like “Mak, this you? For real?” And I asked her if she was singing, like, a Pen Ran song or something. She looked at the picture and said, “No, no, I was singing...Carly Simon. You know the one. The-” and then she starts singing You’re So Vain! I know that American music found its way around the world even in the 1970s but I really did not expect that to be the story of that photograph.

 I’ve always wanted to make a film or a tv show about pre-Khmer Rouge Cambodia. All of the content about that country that we really see in the West is like...it’s Genocide porn. Films like The Killing Fields, and First They Killed My Father, those are important. Those are both great films. But Cambodia is more than that now and it was more than that then. I wanted to tell a story about young people in Cambodia right before everything went to hell; in a way, I wanted to make a film that was a love letter to my mother’s and my aunts’ and uncles’ youth. I wanted to pay homage to the ones I got to meet, and the ones who didn’t make it out the other side alive. That photograph of my mother put the idea in my head when I was 22, but for years it didn’t develop very far.

 Six years ago, I sat down with my go-to music video director for my Cambodian-market content, and one of his friends who had directed a few low-budget films in Cambodia, and I told them what I wanted to do, and all I need is to meet with some film writers to discuss a storyline, and who would the two of them recommend. They linked me up with two film writers, one that was very in demand in their indie film market, and one who did some more mainstream work. They became the two main writers on the project.The director my friend introduced me to was the director, and my friend became the AD. I’d already conducted interviews with all of my relatives who were willing to speak on their experiences in Cambodia in the 60s and 70s. You know, my cousins and I’ve worked on several projects together. A documentary and a couple books about our family history. So I already had a wealth of recorded interviews worth of research.

 We spent two years workshopping the script and storyline, and finally were ready to start casting.

About the ending. Why did you and the director and screenwriter choose to end it like that?

I wanted the film to end abruptly with no neat tie-a-ribbon-around-it ending. This isn’t a story about the end of a life, or even the end of a specific season in someone’s life. It starts and ends in the middle of a period of Pen Chenda’s life. It’s a slice of life period film that has a love story, a family story, and politics and war seemingly in the background but by the end, you realize that the conflict in her country was in the foreground of the film all along. It’s a story about a young woman trying to live her damn life in the middle of a civil war.

What do you say to people who say the film trivializes the conflict at the time? I’d ask them why they think every other aspect of life at the time doesn’t matter. Life doesn’t stop just because war’s come to your country...until your city, your town, your village is hostin’ the fightin’, you still go to work, you go to school, you fight with your mom and dad, you fall in love. Some of my mother’s oldest siblings got married in the middle of the Cambodian Civil War. They had babies.  My mother was a university student in Phnom Penh just like Chenda is in the film. This isn’t a film about the bloodshed of war; it’s a movie about the people it affects long before they see violence with their own eyes.

 I can’t help but wonder what happens to Chenda and Pierre after the movie’s ending. Do you have any insight into that?

 I think with the way the movie ended, with them on very good terms, we can assume that they got married. I think history clues us in on the rest. Considering Pierre’s a trilingual journalist and Chenda is a university student...they would have had to flee before the fall of Phnom Penh or lied their asses off to have any shot at surviving the Khmer Rouge years. 

 How important was it for you to find an all Cambodian cast for the movie?

 Oh, it was vital. I wanted Cambodia Cambodians as much as possible too, and not oversea Cambodians like me, so that their accents would be authentic. I had some potential investors back out when I refused to hold auditions in the US and France to pull from the Cambodian diaspora there. But this isn’t a story set in a time period where a whole lot of Cambodians would’ve gone abroad to travel much less live. 

 The actor that plays Pierre, actually, when we cast him we had to rework the character a little. Originally, he just had a Cambodian name. But the actor, Jean Sok, is French-Cambodian. He was born in France to first generation French-Cambodians, but went to school in Cambodian from age seven through eighteen, studied acting and music in France and London, and he now lives in Cambodia full time. His Khmer is excellent, but there is this very slight -- his time abroad shows. Not as badly as mine when I speak Khmer, but there’s just this little tinge of a French accent that I frankly can’t notice but the local Cambodians on the project did. So we slipped into the script several reminders that he studied abroad in France, that he’s very steeped in French language, even gave him a French name he goes by that he adopted because of his dealings with Western journalists. 

 Apart from him, all of the main cast are Cambodians born and raised in Cambodia. And there is only one other actress with a speaking role that’s an overseas Cambodian.

I read that you’ve recently quit your day job teaching at Pride University in England to focus on your creative career. Are there more film and tv projects in the future from you?

 I have ideas, yes. I’m of course mainly focusing on music, but I am in talks to work on various projects in some capacity. Mostly curating the soundtracks, but there’s acting roles and possible producing credits down the pipe, yes.

[khalilhumam]

The climate crisis message in Jamaican environmentalist's new novel is rooted ‘in love for home’

New Post has been published on http://khalilhumam.com/the-climate-crisis-message-in-jamaican-environmentalists-new-novel-is-rooted-in-love-for-home/

The climate crisis message in Jamaican environmentalist's new novel is rooted ‘in love for home’

‘Daylight Come’ is Diana McCaulay's dystopian take on the future

Jamaican author and environmentalist Diana McCaulay. Photo by Jonathan Chambers, used with permission.

“How do you live, when daylight kills?” That's the question posed in award-winning Jamaican writer and environmental activist Diana McCaulay's fifth novel, “Daylight Come,” published by Peepal Tree Press on September 24. The story begins on the imaginary Caribbean island of Bacaju in 2084, where a teen girl and her mother have reached a desperation point, fleeing their city and the devastating conditions brought on by climate change. Hiding from the cruel sun, they head for the hills, unsure of what to expect as they embark on a dramatic bid for survival.

The cover of Diana McCaulay's new novel, published by Peepal Tree Press. Image courtesy McCaulay, used with permission.

The tale may sound dystopian, but for McCaulay, it hits close to home. Despite their small carbon footprints, Caribbean islands are at the global front lines of climate change. Since mid-May, the 2020 Atlantic hurricane season has produced tropical cyclones at an unprecedented rate, and the region has consistently suffered from hurricanes in the past. It has also endured increasingly persistent and lengthy droughts, water shortages and high temperatures, as well as periods of extreme rainfall. As critical discussions drew to a close at New York Climate Week, I interviewed McCaulay via email about the complex issues surrounding the climate crisis in the Caribbean context. Emma Lewis (EL): What prompted you to write this novel?

Diana McCaulay (DMC): About three summers ago while travelling, I read an article about construction workers in the Middle East falling from scaffolding due to the heat, and I started to think about what would happen if it became too hot to work outside. When I returned to Jamaica, I started paying close attention to all the people working outside. What would happen if no work was possible outside for much of the year? That was the kernel of the idea for “Daylight Come.” I went on to imagine what kind of world might emerge — would people start to work at night and sleep in the day? But suppose there was one person, a teenager, who could not sleep?

EL: The novel is aimed at a young adult audience. Is it a genre that's important to you?

DMC: I never have any audience in mind when I write [but] I seem most inclined to write about young people in the 12- to 16-year-old age group and my writing style is simple, so two of my books have been received as young adult books. That genre is important to me because I loved reading myself from a very early age, so I like the idea of reaching a young audience.

EL: The mother/daughter perspective underlines the generational aspects of the climate change discussion. Is there a disconnect between generations on the issue?

DMC: I do think there is a disconnect — even anger — because successive generations of older people have caused or tolerated the problem, while young people are the ones who are going to have to deal with it. I’m not sure I think about it as bridging a gap in understanding so much as a need for urgent action by young people. This is their fight, their future, their world. Older people need to support them with information, guidance, funding, and access to power.

EL: Communicating about climate change can be quite a challenge. How can we reach different local audiences?

DMC: The language of science is not very useful in communicating a crisis, I’ve found. Science is measured, unfolds slowly and speaks about probabilities and uncertainties, while people want precise predictions. I think the climate crisis message should nest in love for home place, in rootedness, in appreciation of a particular way of life. It should speak about rights and justice and fairness — because it is a profoundly unfair situation that developed countries have constructed high standards of living on fossil fuel energy and now countries who have not enjoyed these standards of living are being asked to NEVER have them. In terms of reaching local audiences, l learned from my experiences with an anti-litter campaign that music, performance, humour and animation are most effective, but it’s a challenge to communicate danger in that way. The difficulty with climate crisis messaging to the public is the call to action. I don’t agree with making this about individual action, important as that is — you know, the encouragement to save energy and save water  — it’s too late for that. The climate crisis is a problem of governments and corporations and economic systems. It’s a problem of power.

Diana McCaulay and members of her team were part of a flotilla to Jamaica's Goat Islands on September 14, 2013. The expedition aimed to highlight the Jamaica Environment Trust's campaign (chaired by McCaulay) to save Goat Islands, an ecologically sensitive area, from plans to build a mega-port. It was a long campaign, which ended in success three years later. Image by Emma Lewis, used with permission.

EL: What kinds of stories should we be telling about climate change?

DMC: Facts and information are important, but it’s a call to the emotions that causes people to care, to act. I’d like to see more near-future stories — much climate fiction is set very far in the future, so people can tell themselves that this is a long way off and might never happen.

EL: What specific actions would you like to see take place in the Caribbean in the next five years?

DMC: The disconnect I see in the region is between rhetoric and action. We’re certainly talking a good talk, we go to all the conferences, we send in our reports, we sign up to conventions, we celebrate small, local projects. But if you look at the development decisions currently being taken, they’re consistent with a development model that we should already have left behind. For example, Jamaica has recently permitted a very large hotel in a pristine mangrove area right on the coast, we have a city bypass planned which will take out mangroves, and we’re intending to build an industrial zone and housing on an aquifer replenishment area. In terms of actions, I’d like to see the establishment of no-build zones due to climate vulnerability. I’d like to see us beginning to plan managed retreat from the coastline — so much of our critical infrastructure is at or near sea level. I’d like to see a reframing of how tourism is marketed, which is entirely a fantasy; you know, those empty, over-raked beaches with all the native vegetation removed. I’d like to see us urgently removing people who are already living in hazard-prone areas, [like] on the banks of rivers or storm water courses. I’d like to see serious protection of all our fresh water resources, as well as those natural resources we know give us resilience to the effects of the climate crisis, like forests, reefs and seagrass beds. And I’d like to see an energy transition, which is somewhat underway, but still based on natural gas, which is a fossil fuel, and not proceeding fast enough.

EL: “Daylight Come” suggests that a series of future challenges face human existence. Is there hope?

DMC: In terms of hope or hopelessness, I think of it as what we should do, how we should act, what the solutions might be, what are the priorities. Tropical ecosystems WILL heal themselves if you give them a chance — and more quickly than many other types of ecosystems. We’ve already lost a lot, but we still have much that is worth protecting, and we should be determined not to lose even more.

EL: There is a growing number of young climate activists, in the Caribbean and beyond. What's your message for them?

DMC: You have more power than you realize. Use it. Organize. Find allies. Speak out. You don’t have to know everything about the science — what you need is concern. Outrage. Determination. Courage.

< p class='gv-rss-footer'>Written by Emma Lewis

[wideawokesa]

Building the Perfect Party - After a Buffet of Bad Choices

We live in a land of great choice. This is reflected in all aspects of our country, from the diversity of our people to the food we eat. But having lots of choices doesn’t always lead to good outcomes. Take UberEats, for example. A plethora of choices; different cuisines to cater to everyone’s tastes. Yet with all the choices it can sometimes seem near impossible to decide on one. Even when you do settle on something, you may end up regretting your choice. You get left feeling cheated and with a bad case of heartburn. It’s comical but mostly sad that lately I’ve started thinking of South African politics in the same way. As with our choice of food, local politics is no exception in its diversity. So much choice, yet still annoyingly difficult to settle on one party - and even when you do, you’re quite likely to be left feeling short-changed and with a burnt heart. We’ve seen many political movements and organisations over the years. Some have stayed and many have gone. A few have managed to capture our attention for a moment, and a select handful have even accomplished holding on to our attention for longer. Why is it then that with so much choice on the political menu it still feels like there’s nothing for us to truly savour and enjoy? In South Africa 2020 we have three major parties in terms of voter share: The ANC, the DA and the EFF. The ANC has since the dawn of democracy managed to hold onto the hopes and fears of the majority of moderate South Africans, although it's becoming increasingly difficult for the party to maintain its grip. What started out as a party of change and reconciliation has slowly been eroded down to one plagued with cronyism and corruption. Too many years in power and too many fingers in the till have left increasingly more South Africans feeling the liberation party of Nelson Mandela no longer exists and needs to be ousted. Then we have the DA and the EFF. Two sides of the same political coin. Both use populist rhetoric to bolster their voting bases while at the same time joining the still-powerful corrupt faction of the ANC in tearing at the fabric of our society a little more with each attempt. The state of our top parties is enough to leave anyone feeling hopeless about the choices available to us. But South Africans are an optimistic lot, and so am I. I’ve seen a few glimpses of hope and inspiration shining from some individuals throughout South Africa, both in politics and other areas, and decided to have some fun and daydream about who I would enlist into a new political party to provide hope after many years of watching hope slip away. So without further ado, here’s who my dream team to lead us forward would be: Thuli Madonsela is always the first shining example in my mind. The former Public Protector meticulously cracked open state capture, exposing the mass corruption happening while at the same time starting the domino effect which led to the end of the Zuma presidency. She projects the perfect balance of being caring and relatable but also a no-nonsense, intelligent person who always does what's right. She seems to be a woman of few words but manages to say so much in spite of it. In the same vein, I’d love to see another chapter of Makhosi Khoza. Anyone who has the balls to stand up to their employer when their employer is doing wrong should be applauded, and in her case the courage it must have taken is even more impressive. Standing up to Jacob Zuma and his ANC at a time when it was basically a professional death sentence to do so indicates she has the fortitude to take on any political leader in the pursuit of what’s right for our country. I know I’m not the only one who daydreams about Lindiwe Mazibuko returning to active politics. She is the definition of “resilience” in the political context. After walking away from her leadership position within the DA, she has managed to bounce back quite spectacularly, putting it all behind her. Her current passion for grooming the next generation of political leaders says she sees the bigger picture of our country beyond herself. But I think she still has a lot to offer SA herself, and we need all the help we can right now. Sizwe Mpofu-Walsh has always captivated me with the force of his intellect. He is not afraid to challenge the status quo while encouraging different opinions to be shared. The way he is able to structure an argument but manages to do it in a way that is relatable, endears him to most people who like listening to multiple points of views and having them intelligently debated. South African political parties need young people, urgently, and any party (and our country) would benefit from having someone of his calibre in the room. Alan Winde seems to be one of the few exceptions to the rule in the DA at the moment. His leadership in the Western Cape seems to be driven by care, compassion and bipartisanship rather than toeing the party line and echoing the conservative (and sometimes right-wing) messaging of his party’s leaders, Helen Zille and John Steenhuisen. He understands he has been elected to serve all Western Cape residents and not only DA constituents, and seems to be one of the rare DA leaders who grasps the meaning of Ubuntu. Moeletsi Mbeki is an analyst by profession and nature, so he would likely be a measured leader. And anyone who could be such a loud critic of his own brother’s policies is unlikely to be cowed into silence if dishonesty is afoot. He seems able to see past the emotions of issues and assess what would practically be the best solution, and we need some hard-truth practicality. Mbuyiseni Ndlozi is like an onion for me. On the surface he seems like most other EFF counterparts in his message and delivery. But dig a bit deeper and you start to understand a man who is passionate about fighting discrimination wherever he sees it. And his seeming desire to tear down a broken world order and rebuild the system in a much fairer way is perhaps needed even more now that COVID-19 has made so many more people aware of what extreme inequality means in reality. His unapologetic determination and perseverance in the pursuit of justice is a quality well suited to our most unequal society. The DA’s Phumzile van Damme and Mbali Ntuli are strong women who certainly have the courage of their convictions. The style in which they make their voices heard may differ but the common thread they share is that they never shy away from the tough conversations that need to be had, never back down from a fight, and will always champion an alternative message for a party that, since October 2019, has seemed determined to turn its back on the majority of South Africans. I had to add Mmusi Maimane, the former DA leader. Much like Mazibuko, he seemed to be used by the party's structures until he no longer served a purpose. His “Obamalike” qualities may have been overplayed at first, but for a brief moment there he seemed to be succeeding in bringing South Africans together across the spectrum. Before his party’s conservatives landed their daggers in his back, he had positioned the DA to take the next step toward connecting with more of South Africa’s largely moderate (and yes, obviously mostly black) voter base. Since he walked away from the DA nearly a year ago, we’ve seen a new Maimane, a much more confident and playful person who still seems perfectly capable of balancing the scales of teaching the message of reconciliation while at the same time acknowledging the tough discussions about inequality that need to be had. His reliability and ease with all types of people seems to be a quality that few politicians possess (I mean, even the EFF can’t say a bad word about him!). Finally, I have left our dear Commander in Chief to last. President Cyril Ramaphosa. If I had to describe his presidency since 2018 I would say, “It’s a rollercoaster ride.” We have all gone through the highs and lows with him over the past 2.5 years. Nearly everyone I know has moaned and groaned at his seeming complacency about fixing the ANC and our country. So why am I adding him to the list? Because, despite the constraints placed on him by the internal realities of the party he leads, I believe he’s one of the good guys. And he still inspires hope. The kind of hope this country had not felt since Nelson Mandela (and as we are constantly reminded, he was Mandela’s choice to succeed him… and there aren’t many better character endorsements available than Nelson Mandela, so I’ll stick with Madiba on this one). Ramaphosa seems genuine in his quest to steer our ship towards the right course again. Does he always get it right? I think that's a unanimous no. However, I have never questioned that his intentions have always been to make us proud of South Africa again. Of course, we need young people to take charge - and soon - but in my dream party, President Ramaphosa would be a mentor and calming voice to guide young leaders still learning about themselves and the world. ​ This has been a fun little daydream… but, for now, it's back to reality. And yes, this list is a craving which will likely never be satisfied in its entirety, and perhaps I need to be happy with the menu that's on offer. But then again, if the menu we’re being offered leaves so many without an appealing option, maybe that’s a sign that many of the recipes need to change.