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waynes-multiverse · 2 days ago

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The Exit Strategy – Part 4

Summary: Russell is ready to hang it all up and retire, open up a brewery, and enjoy the rest of his civilian life. However, there’s one important thing missing before he can take the big plunge. Luckily, he knows just the right person to help him find it.

Pairing: Russell Shaw x Female!Reader

Warnings: 18+, language, fluff, some angst & feels, family secrets, spy stuff, a bit of spiciness

Word Count: 6.5k

A/N: Welcome back, friends! We're diving a bit into Shaw family secrets this week – fully Wayne's version, though. While I did read the books, there's no major spoilers**, so don't you worry. I just played with an idea here 🤓 I also won't be fully diving into the Shaw family life, but some things are heavily hinted to be... fishy here 👀 Enjoy & let me know what you think! 🤍

**There's a small part where Russell tells Colter about their parents. It's mentioned in the books that their mother was a psychiatrist. I took that and ran with it 🤷‍♀️

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Part 4: This Is Not an Exit

“You’ve been walking down memory lane a lot tonight,” you teased with a nudge of his ribs, still tightly cuddled in his warm embrace in the freezing basement.

“Haven’t you?”

“No, I have,” you admitted with a melancholic sigh. “Maybe we should stop dwelling on the past so much. Think more about the future…”

Russell scoffed a small chuckle. “Dory said something similar not that long ago. Actually the reason why I came here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, his fingers absently drawing circles on your arm. “I think it’s time we retire, sweetheart. I mean, after everything we’ve been through, I think we deserve to, right? You know, sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I’m surprised we’re even still here, considering how many war zones we’ve been in.”

“Well, you know what they say – beware the old soldier because he’s old for a reason,” you said with a smile.

“Yeah, think I might be getting a little too old…” Russell chucked lightly, running a hand through his long hair. “So? What d’you think? One last hurrah, and then we hang this up? I was thinking maybe we could open up a brewery, you know? A family place. Bet the kids would love it.”

“Sounds nice,” you said with a yearning smile. You wanted all of that and more. “I’d love to retire with you.”

“But?”

You laughed slightly at his anticipating look. “But I don’t think you can yet.”

His eyebrows drew together till they met above the bridge of his freckled nose. “What d’you mean? I just told you I’m ready.”

“You say you are, but you aren’t,” you replied like the annoying Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. “Have you solved the murder yet?”

Russell licked his lips, which was his telltale sign that you caught him there. After all, you knew him better than anyone in this world – knowing when he needed to be pushed and shoved was part of it.

“No, but I don’t need to anymore. Look, the only reason I wanted to solve it was because I thought I had to prove my innocence to Colter. And well, turns out I didn’t. He believed me anyways, so…”

“That wasn’t the only reason,” you reminded him with a scrutinizing look.

“Maybe, but like I said – Dory thinks we should keep all this bullshit in the past, and after the last three years, I’m starting to agree with her,” Russell said, dragging a hand over his face.

“Look, if that’s what you want–”

“It’s what I want,” he assured you and placed a hand on your thigh, gently squeezing it. “Having my little brother and sister back is enough. I don’t need more. Nothing good ever comes from being greedy.”

You nodded in understanding, clearing your throat. “Still, in the name of our deal to always be honest, I kinda have to confess something.”

Rising from your seat, you dusted off your awful, flowery skirt and wandered to the wall safe once more, retrieving a thick folder from it. You took your place next to Russell again, his questioning eyes meeting yours as you handed him your research.

“When you didn’t come back after a year or so, I started looking into it as well. Might have done a full deep-dive,” you admitted with a bite of your lip.

Russell shot you a chiding look, shaking his head, but most of all, he was worried. “I told you to leave it alone. You don’t know what sorta people we’re dealing with here, but we do know they’re dangerous.”

“I know. I just wanted to help. Figured I could speed it along. I do have more access than you,” you countered softly. “I’m sorry, okay? But I was careful. I promise.”

“Good,” he said and looked at you, interlacing your fingers with his. “‘Cause the last thing I want is losing you over this bullshit, too.”

Nodding, you squeezed his hand in reassurance. “There’s something you should know, though.” He raised his brow anew – you’d always been full of surprises. Life certainly had never been boring. “Someone accessed the files after me.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know. Definitely had a higher clearance than me, though,” you replied.

Russell threw his arms up, and you could see he was getting more upset again. “See? This is what I’m talking about! The whole point of us separating was to keep you and the kids away from it. Otherwise, we could’ve just stayed together, and I could’ve joined Horizon anyways.”

“I know that, too,” you said remorsefully. “But don’t worry. I wasn’t followed, and no one ever came after me. I made sure of it. It’s been two years now. They probably figured it was nothing after I didn’t reach out to you straight away.”

“Still… I don’t want you involved, alright?”

“What about Colter? Doesn’t he want to know? He doesn’t strike me as someone who just lets things go,” you noted observantly.

Russell clicked his tongue – a sign of defeat. “He isn’t, but he’s not gonna find anything either. I mean, the only reason I know is because you were so relentless and kept digging.”

“You haven’t told him what we found out?”

Russell licked his lips and admitted quietly, “No. I don’t think it does anyone any good to keep looking into this.”

Leaning forward and hugging your knees, your head bobbed pensively. “I thought you guys talked about what happened?”

“We did. Kinda… It’s complicated,” he stated, swallowing. “Dory was easy, you know? I guess she never really believed it… But it took a while till Colter even picked up the phone, let alone answered a goddamn text message. Had to get a little annoying.”

You smirked. “Well, you’re good at that. That’s how you won me over.”

“By being persistent?”

“Exactly. Like a tardigrade.” You grinned. “I mean, you kind of are doing it now again, too.”

He chuckled quietly. “Yeah, guess so.”

“Is that why you haven’t told him about me and the kids? Because you’re not sure about him yet?”

“Partially, yeah,” he admitted. “I guess I wanted to protect you. And maybe myself a little, too… Not sure I’m ready for those two worlds to meet yet, you know? I mean, you and the kids are the best things that ever happened to me, and when I look at Colter or Dory, I’m sometimes reminded of the worst things in my life.”

“What about your mother?”

Russell let out an exhaustive sigh that was half amused. “Geez, you haven’t changed a bit. You still ask the most uncomfortable questions possible.”

You laughed a little. “Gathering intelligence in uncomfortable ways is kind of my job, Shaw.”

“Yup, and no one’s better at it than you, sweetheart,” Russell quipped.

“So I’m guessing it’s a no on Mommie Dearest?”

Russell licked his lips, shaking his head. “I don’t wanna see her. Mostly because I don’t even know what to fucking say anymore,” he said. “I don’t want her to meet the kids either.”

“It’s okay,” you assured him and took his hand in yours. “It’s your choice, Russ. We go at your pace, alright?”

“Thank you.” Russell brought your intertwined hands to his lips, kissing the back of your hand before he looked at you deeply, a smile dancing across his plump lips. “I love you.”

You mirrored his smile, your heart fluttering like a wild butterfly in your chest. “I love you, too.”

“I’ll tell them – Dory and Colter. I want this to work,” he promised. “Just… after we finish this. I want him to have a clear head. I prefer not to get him killed, you know?”

“I get it. I thought the same thing when I first met you, too,” you joked, patting his chest. “But you brought him into this. It’s kinda on you.”

Russell scratched his bearded chin. “Yeah, but I didn’t exactly know what I’d bring him into.”

“Didn’t you, though?”

Amused, Russell bobbed his head. “Yeah, maybe I did,” he acknowledged. “You know, when Manny called me–”

Your eyes widened. “Manny called you?”

Russell blinked at you, brow creased in confusion. “Yeah, why?”

“That motherfucker…”

Furiously, you stomped to the desk and grabbed the radio. “Drone-5. This is Queen Bee-1. Report to Hive.”

The static of the radio cracked almost instantly, as if the idiot had been waiting all night for this call. “Yo, Queen Bee-1. How’s my boy?” Manny’s laugh echoed through the basement.

Russell’s glowing cheeks reached his eyes when he heard his friend’s voice. He’d known the guy almost as long as Doug.

“You’re the one who fucking told him?!” you yelled into the radio, almost crushing the device in your hand.

“To be fair, I told him not to engage with tango,” Manny sheepishly replied.

“Ha-ha, funny. Fuck you,” you huffed and tossed Russ the walkie-talkie. He caught it with one hand.

His boyish grin widened as he pushed the button. “You know, Drone-5, you could’ve told me you were actually working this thing.”

“Aw, you know I can’t do that. But I guess congrats on crashing another operation. You’re Worker Bee-3 now. Old habits die hard, huh?” Manny chuckled.

“Yeah, I guess…” Russell replied with a lighthearted chuckle, but his teeth tugged pensively at his lips.

“Great to have you back, brother. Hope this works out for you. See you on the other side, man. Oh, and could you move like three feet to the left and turn the washer off? We can barely hear and see you guys, and Drone-2 just ran out to grab popco–”

“No, absolutely not. Out,” you snapped as you grabbed the radio from Russ. He laughed as you put it furiously back on the desk. You knew what you had signed up for, but you still deserved some privacy. Annoyed, you took off your cross necklace – another bug – and settled down beside him again.

“What did he say when he called you?”

“Nothing much, really. Just told me your coordinates and that you like to pick up your mail at three o’clock at the local post office,” Russell replied.

You shook your head, smiling. “Well, he always loved you, so…” You started to chew on your lower lip, the anxiety in your belly returning. For the sake of your mind and heart, you had to make sure Russell was fully back, and this wasn’t just a fluke. “You know, I worry sometimes that if you don’t face this thing with your family, you’ll always feel this way. I mean, after Lewis was born–”

“I know.” Russell nodded, swallowing thickly. He saw the worry shimmering in your eyes, and it cracked his heart a little. “I know I kinda lost it there. Took me by surprise, too. Trust me. Figured I had dealt with all that shit already, you know? But I guess seeing you with him and feeling all that love myself, I just-… I don’t know. I don’t know how she could do it… Ashton was one thing, but she just stood by. And I don’t even know what the hell she was up to while he took us out into those woods…” He shook his head as if to rattle the answer out of his brain. “And then when we found out you were pregnant again… I mean, I’d barely held it together with Lewis. Everything just became a blur. I couldn’t think straight anymore, and I worried all the time I’d be like them…”

“I tried to help,” you said softly.

“I know you did. Guess this was just something I had to figure out on my own,” he replied with a beat shrug.

“How’s your vision now? Still blurry?”

“Clearer than ever.” A smile flickered alive on his lips, green eyes boring into yours as he leaned in and kissed you slowly like he meant every word. Blowing a raspberry, he then turned his attention to the file in his lap. “So, what am I gonna find in there?”

“Honestly, nothing we haven’t already puzzled together,” you replied, teeth gnawing on your bottom lip. “But I found a couple of names associated with your parents. Thought maybe you could look at them and see if you recognize the person you saw in the woods.”

“I already know where this is going…”

“Russ, please, just–”

Russell interrupted you, placing a soothing palm on your thigh that curbed your enthusiasm. “I’ll think about it, alright?”

Satisfied, you raised two placating hands. “All I was asking…”

“How was the lasagna?”

After four hours in the basement, you and Russell quietly treaded up the stairs a few minutes after midnight, finding Colter in the kitchen, eating leftovers out of the ceramic form in the warm glow of the stove light. Tom, on the other hand, had passed out on the couch, only the blue flickers of the TV and the soft noises of a peaceful nature documentary filling the silence of the dark living room.

“Excellent,” Colter stated, swallowing down a mouthful of lasagna before speaking. “I told Tom he should be a chef in a restaurant or something.”

Russell’s brow knitted in doubt. “Really? Lemme try.”

“You just ate two entire bags of junk. You can’t still be hungry,” you argued with a giggle, shaking your head.

“It’s lasagna,” Russell said simply, grabbed a fork from the drawer, and dove right in.

That man would eat anything. You’d seen him do it, too. He didn’t even go hungry when he was lost in a desert.

“Wow, that is good,” Russell announced his judgement with a full mouth. “Maybe we should hire Tom for the brewery, huh?”

“I’m guessing this means you two talked?” Colter asked with a carefully arched brow.

“Hmm. I don’t know,” Russell mused in jest. “What d’you say, sweetheart? You taking me back?”

You rolled your eyes at his antics. “Guess I have to. God knows returning you is impossible.”

Russell laughed and slung an arm around your waist, pulling you closer. He kissed your temple.

But then you noticed Colter’s smile falter, his brows creasing in question. “Is your hair different?”

“Shit!”

Wide-eyed, you bolted back down the creaking stairs to the basement, hearing Russell’s laughter fill the kitchen.

“Was she wearing a wig? And her eyes too, right?” Puzzled, Colter tried to piece it all together. He had already figured by your extensive vocabulary of swear words that you might be a better match for his older brother than he had initially surmised.

“Yup, all fake, man,” Russell confirmed and smirked. “Still think she’s not my type yet?”

“No, I can see it now,” Colter admitted, chuckling. “So, you guys are good?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Russell nodded and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, swallowing.

Colter’s smile widened, filling the older Shaw’s stomach with more guilt. “That’s great. Happy for you, man. Guess that means you’re retiring now, huh?”

Russell scratched the back of his neck. “Uh, we’ll see. Always depends on what the wife decides, you know?”

Yup, he sprinkled that important bit of information into a joke. Then, he watched his little brother take a stumped step back, brow furrowing and unfurrowing and then furrowing again.

“Wha-, wife?”

Russell produced a popping sound with his lips like the noise of a bottle when the cork was pulled. Welp, this bottle was surely open now.

“Yup, got married in Thailand in 2011,” he added another helpful tidbit of information, but Colter’s jaw dislodged all the same.

“Alright, got this all figured out,” you said, sauntering back into the kitchen with a pastel pink towel wrapped around your head and a matching bathrobe. You’d just grabbed them from the dryer, the fluffy material still cozily warm. It was the best option, considering you didn’t want to mess around with your wig as well after popping the lenses back in had already cost you most of your patience. In your little bubble of bliss, you hadn’t instantly noticed the brothers staring at you. But once you did, your brows morphed into a frown. “What’s going on?”

“You two are married?” Colter asked, a pointed finger flicking from Russell to you.

You threw your arms up, looking at your husband. “I was gone for five minutes! What happened to telling him after the operation?”

Russell offered you a sheepish shrug. “Well, this old soldier’s getting weak too, apparently.”

“He said it like a joke…” Colter mumbled, still in the middle of processing this new revelation. His older, estranged-but-now-less-strange brother had a wife. A family. Friends. And he knew none of it. What else was there? Kids?

“Yeah, he does that...” You shot your husband a scolding sideways look. “Should I leave you two alone for this?” you then offered, hoping the answer was a goddamn yes.

“Why would you? You’re family, right?” Colter retorted with a dry smile and a sharp look.

You pursed your lips. While you could see some similarities between the brothers, you took note of one big difference: Russell wasn’t as sarcastic and sharp-tongued. Probably because Russell had always been more concerned with what he should, would, or could share with people in an overthinking loop, while his younger brother seemed obviously free of that burden.

“Don’t take it out on her,” Russell stepped in gently, which really was a warning. “She didn’t know about any of this. Kinda pushed her into it.”

“Seems to be your style,” Colter scoffed.

“Can’t work for the CIA without going through a baptism of fire, little brother,” Russell said simply, giving an unapologetic shrug of his shoulders.

“Why would you not tell me?” Colter stared at him, his look a mix of reproach and agitation.

“Look, you weren’t exactly welcoming during our first meeting,” Russell argued with a bit of bark in his deep voice, although confrontation was probably not the best approach. But why should he always have to take the blame for everything? He’d already done that for more than two decades.

“That was months ago,” Colter countered, scowling. “I’d like to think I’ve come around since then… Coulda told me after we saved Doug.”

Russell let out a small sigh of defeat, rolling his eyes back slightly. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “No, yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry, man, alright?” he apologized earnestly.

With a questioning brow, you carefully nudged your husband’s arm. “What happened to Doug? Is he alright?”

“Yeah, uh, he went to work for Horizon with me. I’ll tell you later, okay?” Russell replied, his voice a lot quieter as if sharing a secret, and if Horizon was involved he probably was.

“Is Tracy okay?”

“She’s fine. Little shook up. You should probably give her a call. Smooth things out,” Russell told you.

Tracy thought you worked in marketing at some company for the government. Whenever you, Russell, and Doug were stuck on a mission, the boys made you call her to “smooth things out” – aka reassuring her everything was certainly fine with her husband and he wasn't in any danger at all. They’d once made you call her from a Black Hawk. The noise had been fun to explain away – you’d told her you were picking up a client from a helicopter pad.

Colter chewed on the insides of his cheeks. “So she knows Doug, too?”

Russell nodded. “Yeah, me and Doug were mostly Delta, but SAD liked to borrow us from time to time. We ran in her team for quite a while. She was actually the one who recruited me.”

At his little wink your way, you smiled. He’d come along way from the sweet boy you had once teased like a special-forces-trained kindergartner.

“Listen, things were obviously a little complicated between me and her the last few years,” Russell (under)stated. “But I’ve brought you here for a reason, okay? Figured it’s time you meet your sister-in-law.”

Eyes drifting from you to Russell, Colter pursed his lips – a tell he shared with his brother.

“Are you mad? I can’t tell.” Frowning, Russell tilted his head.

“No,” you absentmindedly replied for Colter, who gave you a curious look but steered his attention back to Russell.

“No,” the younger Shaw repeated your assumption. “I mean, not more than I was before, you know?”

Russell’s creases only deepened. “No, I don’t know.”

“He means he’s indifferent about knowing or not knowing we’re married because he’s already pissed about not knowing about my existence in general,” you explained.

“Ah. Your nerd is showing, sweetheart,” Russell teased you with a smile that made your heart melt.

“Dory would like her,” Colter commented like the thought had just popped into his head – something else he didn’t share with his brother.

You’d always wondered about the youngest Shaw of the three. Russell could never tell you much about Dory. His memory had been one of a smart and feisty nine-year-old, not a young woman and physics professor.

Thumbing at you, Russell cocked a brow at his brother. “Is she right, though?”

“Spot on, actually.” Colter’s tongue poked his cheek, his gaze flickering with a hint of astonishment and new-found respect for you. “And I guess I’m not really mad either way. Just… surprising, you know? I should’ve asked. That’s on me.”

Russell seemed more than a little baffled to hear this, considering he had to pause to find an appropriate response. “No, uh, we’re good. I could’ve just told you, anyways.”

“Yeah, no, that’s alright.” Colter swallowed, sending his older brother a smile of forgiveness. “Honestly, I was glad to hear you weren’t alone all this time, so…”

Russell’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he pushed down the lump in his throat. With a nod, he averted his green eyes to the kitchen floor. “Thanks, man. Appreciate it.”

“Aw, aren’t you guys adorable,” you teased.

Colter wanted to retort something dry-witted, but Russell held up a warning finger. “Ah – wait for it… Trust me. She’s not done.”

“You girls need tissues or a tampon, maybe?”

“Oh, Dory would definitely like her,” Colter repeated his earlier statement with an amused grin.

Russell, on the other hand, shot you a pointed look, but that had barely ever stopped you before. “Okay, you can lay down. You don’t have to give him the initiation. No hazing my little brother,” he ordered you sternly, and you stifled a snort. “And no one better kidnaps him tonight and puts a bag over his head, alright? I don’t wanna pick him up beaten and bloody from some warehouse tomorrow morning.”

“Hm, what?” Colter’s brow furrowed. For the first time, you could see slight panic spread in his pupils.

Who was hazing who now?

You rolled your eyes in feigned annoyance. “Fine, we’ll leave him alone,” you acted your capitulation.

The younger Shaw blinked at you. “Thank you?”

“Should we at least tell him about the other thing while we’re at it?” you asked Russell with a suggestive look.

Thoughtfully, he paused for a beat, then clicked his tongue. “No, I got it from here. It’s getting late. We’ve been here long enough,” he decided. “This is less becoming a friendly ‘welcome-to -the-neighborhood’ dinner and more starting to look like an orgy to the neighbors. Especially since you’ve put on the robe.”

“It just came from the dryer. Look, it’s so soft and warm,” you argued, pouting, your palms caressing the fluffy material on your arms.

“Uh-huh.”

The little bob of his Adam’s apple made you grin slyly. The way his jaw ticked and his pupils widened with a primal hunger, you could tell he wanted to tear that robe right off of you. The thought caused a shudder to run down your spine.

“What, uh, other thing do you have to tell me?” Colter asked and smiled expectantly, tapping his fingers on the the counter.

Russell, however, grabbed his arm and dragged his curious little brother toward the exit. “I’ll tell you in the car,” he said and thumbed to the front door behind his shoulder. “Wait outside. Gimme five minutes, alright?”

Wordlessly, Colter nodded without argument, gave you a quick goodbye-wave of his hand, and strolled leisurely back to his car as if he knew exactly what his older brother intended to do.

As expected, Russell impatiently conquered your lips, roughly pressing you against the foyer’s wall, your arms draping around his neck.

“What’s the bedroom situation in this place?” he asked between kisses.

“First floor, west side, third window from the right. I’ll leave it unlatched,” you replied, smiling against his lips. “Tom’s always sleeping on the couch. Part of our cover is going to marriage counseling with Pastor Jeff, which happens to work out great for us.”

You exhaled a shuddered breath when one of his hands wandered past the robe and splayed warm against your ribcage, just underneath your breast. His thumb fought an itch to get closer.

“Wouldn’t do that, baby,” you murmured into his ear with an amused smirk. “That boner’s not gonna go away in five minutes.”

“Mmm, I know,” he groaned and dropped his head between your boobs, lips pressing a chaste kiss to your collarbone. If he continued on with this, your arousal would surely streak down your bare thighs soon. Luckily, he had mercy on the both of you. “I’ll talk to him and then come back, okay?”

You nodded with a smile. He kissed your lips, then your forehead, and then disappeared through the door with the same cometary velocity he had entered your vision.

And all you could do was hope you’d see him one more time in your life.

“So?”

4.3 seconds after Colter killed the engine of his pickup in a spot a block away to the west side of your house – as per Russell’s very specific instruction – he stared scrutinizingly at his older brother.

Impatience was also a family trait – one even their father had despised.

“Look, uhm, there’s no easy way to break the news…”

“Is this about you having two kids?”

When Russell’s eyes met Colter’s, he didn’t recognize any anger, hurt or resentment in them – just pure slyness. At least that was good news. His little brother was just going to be annoying about this whole thing.

“Yeah, remember those five minutes you left me alone in the car? I called Bobby. Had him check some things out for me. Wasn’t easy to find. I’ll give you that…”

As expected, Colter was going to be a smartass about it. He figured it out on his own. He won the game.

“Hmm.” Russell pursed his lips, nodding. “You do know the CIA is on your guy’s ass now, right? Shouldn’t have done it in their perimeter, man. Manny’s probably all over this by now…”

Then his brow knit as if the thought of his old friend had provoked an idea, his head tilting with narrowed eyes at the air vents on the dashboard. How long had that car been parked outside and out of sight again?

Like a game of Operation, Russell then used thumb and pointer finger as his tweezers to retrieve a tiny bug – the spy kind.

“Gotcha,” Russell muttered, smirking. He then held the bug close to the speakers of the radio before turning up the volume to its highest setting – only for a second. He switched the radio off, rolled down the window, and threw the unwanted listening device onto the pavement. “That should teach ‘em a lesson…”

Colter cocked an incredulous brow at his brother. “They bugged my car?”

“Oh, trust me, they bug anything they can get their greedy little hands on,” Russell retorted. “Would probably check for a tracker underneath, too.”

“Great, thanks,” Colter huffed wryly.

“Hey, you wanted in. That’s what they do,” Russell reminded him, shrugging, but there was a smile of amusement on his lips.

Colter only bobbed his head. “So, you and her? You guys are good now? Just like that? Seemed… easy. Sorta…”

Russell chuckled lightly, brushing a hand through his beard. He knew his relationship with you was unconventional, but it had always worked for you and him.

“Me and Y/N have a deal, you know? It’s not all black and white. I mean, we became aware a long time ago that the two of us operate in a lot of gray zones. But, uh, we always know we can rely on each other, you know? Doesn’t matter if we’ve been separated by time or space,” Russell explained to the best of his abilities.

“So what happened?” Colter prompted with the same amount of confusion. “Why did you guys split up? I saw on the birth certificate your daughter was only two years old. I mean, did you-… did you even know?”

Russell inhaled deeply, nodding. “I knew she was pregnant. When she told me back then, I-…” He paused, licking his lips. It wasn’t something he had ever talked about with anyone before – not even you. “Well, shortly after that, I had a breakdown and I-… I almost hurt her.” He choked on the words, fighting the sting in his eyes.

He’d tried so hard to forget, wasn’t even sure he had ever really apologized for it to you because he so badly didn’t want it to exist that he’d tried to wish it out of literal existence, and hence, never really blamed you for leaving like you did. He understood. In fact, he had even wished you’d leave. He had convinced himself you’d be better off without him – something he still believed to be true – but he also knew he wasn’t better off without you.

He’d been lost and alone. And maybe, he was being selfish by crashing back into your life now. Or Dory’s. And Colter’s.

“I mean, nothing ever really bad happened. It’s just-… That night I came scarily close,” Russell confessed, swallowing thickly. He still hated himself for that night and everything that followed. “It’s like a switch flipped, you know? I couldn’t do anything against it… And Lewis saw parts of it, and I was already impatient with him and short with her the weeks before, so I just left that night and disappeared for two months. Volunteered for some mission. Figured it was best for everybody.”

It’s better off if he never comes back…

Russell licked his chapped lips. The next part was the hardest.

“When I got back, she told me she got a job offer in another country, and that she would be taking it and taking Lewis with her. She wanted me to use the time to… I don’t know… solve this, I guess.” He let out a humorless scoff at the painful memory.

Russell hadn’t seen it at first, maybe because he hadn’t wanted to, his anger and pain blurring the truth. After his son had been born, Russell knew you could see him struggling, so you started digging deeper into his family and what really happened. And when you’d found something – Horizon – you’d told him you could infiltrate. Naturally, Russell had passed a hard no – it had been a five-hour long fight, but he'd emerged victoriously by the end. So, you’d told him he should do it, but he didn’t want to leave you, and he didn’t want to endanger and jeopardize his family.

He’d told he was fine, but he wasn’t. It kept gnawing on him – and gnawing and gnawing and gnawing… till you eventually pulled the plug and ended his suffering.

“I was exhausted, so I told her we’d talk about it in the morning. When I woke up, they were gone. Didn’t even notice she’d already packed.”

Colter was silent for a beat. “Was it PTSD or something?”

“Or somethin’,” replied Russell.

“But you’re good now?” Colter checked with a warily raised brow.

“Guess so…”

Truthfully, Russell didn’t know if he was or wasn’t. He’d tried hard to figure out what it was exactly that had set him off that night and fix it, but he didn’t know if that feeling would ever disappear for good. He just knew he had never felt that way again since then. But could he guarantee it would never come back?

He didn’t know.

“Look, all I know is, seeing you and Dory again helped, so…” Russell twitched his shoulders and sighed. He didn’t know what else to say, how to explain it better, but Colter seemed to understand anyway, reading between the lines.

Russell worried he’d be like their father.

“I think I get it.” The younger Shaw nodded and licked his lips. “You know, you’re not crazy like Dad was, Russ. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re crazy in your own way, but I wouldn’t worry about the other stuff.”

“Well, thanks,” Russell said, not convinced but appreciative of the vote of confidence. “Makes at least one of us…”

“I-, uh, I noticed their names,” Colter then said and clarified, “Lewis and Amelia. Like explorers. Like us.”

“Ah.” Russell smacked his lips and brushed it off, “Wasn’t really my idea. I told Y/N that story once. Guess she took a liking to it..”

“Are you, you know, gonna tell Mom?”

Russell was almost surprised by the question. The brothers had barely talked about their mother since they’d reconnected. Considering Colter had never brought her up again after their first meeting, Russell figured there was a reason for that – and he thought he probably knew the reason, too.

Russell scoffed a chuckle and looked at his little brother with an almost incredulous look. “I think you can guess the answer to that one,” he replied and figured it said enough. “Did you tell her I came back?”

Colter pursed his lips, and Russell took it as a sign of admission. So his mother knew. Great…

“Sorta,” Colter admitted hesitantly.

“What d’she say?” Russell almost smiled out of amusement. He already knew the answer, but his brother still seemed reluctant. “C’mon, you can tell me. I’m not gonna be butthurt after twenty years…”

“She told me to ignore you,” Colter finally confessed, but the words left a bitter taste in his mouth. They had ever since his mother said them, but even more so now that he knew his brother – and parts of the truth.

“Hmm,” Russell hummed with tight lips and ground his jaw.

Granted, the confession stung more than Russell would ever be willing to admit. The tiny, naive part inside of him had constructed a hopeless fantasy of his mother having a sudden change of heart over the last two decades and happily welcoming her firstborn back. Apparently, not a thing had changed, though, and he cursed himself for feeling disheartened.

“But I actually haven’t talked to her in a while now,” Colter added with a small shrug, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.

“Huh, really?”

“Yeah, uh, and when I did, I didn’t exactly tell her I didn’t take her advice, you know? So…”

“Why not?” Russell’s brow furrowed a little more as he analyzed each word, simultaneously realizing why he had been so reluctant to share his life with Colter before – his subconscious had been afraid his alienated little brother would report back to the mothership.

Colter’s lips pursed. “Because I disagree.”

“Ah.”

Colter chewed on his lower lip. “Look, I know you and Dory wanna keep all of this in the past and play family – and trust me, I want that too,” he assured, but his heart was beating fast in his chest. “But I need to know, man. I need to know why she lied about this for twenty years and, you know, did all of this,” he insisted, and yet, Russell could tell he wasn’t done. He might have broken the dam. “She did it to you. I mean, aren’t you mad?”

“Of course I’m mad,” the older Shaw admitted, but there was no fire behind his words.

“Then why are you so calm?”

Amused, Russell chuckled, shrugging. “Probably ‘cause I’ve been dealing with this a lot longer than you, little brother.”

“So, what are we gonna do now?”

“We ain’t gonna do anything,” Russell clarified, his voice stern. He’d die to protect his family, you and the kids, and do anything in his power to keep you out of it, but Colter was a grown-up – a free agent. If he didn’t want to listen, Russell couldn’t force him. “Look, you wanna find out, you go find out. And if you do find something and need help, you call. But I can’t be involved in this,” he explained, his firm expression morphing into something more vulnerable and sincere. “And frankly, I don’t care that much. You, me, Dory, Y/N, the kids – that’s all that matters, trust me. You’re not gonna feel better or more… whole after finding those answers.”

“How do you know? Do you know what really happened?” Colter instantly asked, and Russell knew in that moment, it’d be hopeless. His brother wouldn’t stop till he found it – forever restless.

“No, I told you. I don’t,” Russell repeated, and while he didn’t know everything, he omitted that he knew something.

“What about Y/N?”

Russell froze at the bare mention of your name, his protective instincts kicking in. “Leave her out of this,” he all but snarled.

But Colter didn’t think about stopping. “Did you ever ask her? I mean, she’s CIA. She could probably find out something, right?”

“Yeah, I asked her once, alright? Was a long time ago,” Russell admitted, sighing. The intended lie would stick better if there was some truth to it – you had taught him that.

“C’mon, Russ… And?” Colter impatiently threw his arms up, brow raising higher and higher as he waited for an answer.

“She never found anything,” Russell said with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders.

This time, it wasn’t just an omission. It was a blatant lie.

“I think whatever Dad was involved in – or both of ‘em – was just some activist shit. I don’t think the government cares.” Lie. “We both know he had a mental thing. Paranoid, probably schizophrenic… I mean, Mom used to pump him full of meds sometimes when he got too out of hand.” Truth. He then stole a glance at his little brother and saw the confusion shimmering on his face. Russell scoffed. “You didn’t know that, did you?”

Quietly, Colter shook his head.

“Well, you were a kid,” Russell said and hoped it would curb the blow slightly, although he knew better than that. “He always took something as far back as I can remember. She used to prepare his pills every evening after you and Dory went to bed. But when we moved to the cabin, he started refusing to take them. Said they made him ‘not clear-headed enough.’ Kinda ironic,” he shared and snorted. “When it got too bad, though, she’d still crush ‘em into his food.”

Colter took everything in with a nod but didn’t say anything more.

“You good over there?” Russell checked after a full minute had passed.

“Yeah,” Colter said and even tried to form a reassuring smile before the attempt failed. Instead, he swallowed. “Just a lot, you know? I didn’t know. I mean, I had some idea, but not-… not that.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Russell said, his voice almost a whisper in the silence of the night. “Like I said, you were a kid…”

When Russell finally left the car to sneak back to you, his shoulders felt a little lighter and his heart a little calmer. He might just float through that unlatched window tonight.

The bad news was, though, he might not be able to retire just yet.

Part 5: This Is a Start – FEBRUARY 7

Honestly, I should've called this chapter "Heart-to-Heart Part II" 😂 I'll see you for the finale next week, but as you know, it's not the end for them – only just the beginning 😉

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#the exit strategy #russell shaw #russell shaw x reader #russell shaw x you #russell shaw x female reader #russell shaw x fem!reader #russell shaw fanfiction #russell shaw fic #russell shaw imagine #colter shaw #tracker #tracker cbs #jensen ackles #justin hartley #jensen ackles fanfiction

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hoonieyun · 18 hours ago

Text

question and answer

welcome to, "is he mr. right?", the dating game! where a lucky girl who is looking for love has the opportunity to go on a date with four handsome and eager bachelor's who are also looking for love.

this is an interactive dating show au where the readers can vote on "yn's" decisions, ultimately leading to who she will be with at the end... but more on that later!

heeseung 𐐪♡𐑂 jongseong 𐐪♡𐑂 jaeyun 𐐪♡𐑂 sunghoon

warnings: not much! lmk if i need to add smth though! 18+ not proofread.. hehe!

wc: 3631

episode two: question and answer

the reception you received from the first episode was very kind. you didn’t expect so many people to like your personality and to root for you to find love. you were scrolling on social media and looking at the comments about you from the first episode, people were posting clips from the show and screenshots of their favorite moments.

“yn is so pretty. how is she single??”

“yn if you don’t find your mr. right, i will be mr. right for you.”

“does yn like girls… by any chance?”

you laughed as you read some of the comments, grateful that people were so kind and complimentive towards you. you’re waiting for filming to start as you sit in your makeup chair, the hair and makeup stylist doing their part to make you look tv show ready. they had provided you with several outfits to choose from and although they were all very pretty, you decided to choose the blue outfit as it seemed to be the most comfortable to wear for long hours on end.

they had done your hair the same way as the first time and kept your makeup simple, just the way you liked it. you had gotten pretty close with the stylists because they were taking care of you and it felt nice to have other women on your side as you tried to navigate the world of tv dating shows.

“yn, 5 minutes until we start filming. we need you in your spot.” one of the PAs says as he pops into your dressing room with a knock. you give him a nod before the stylist does their final touches and wish you good luck. you thank them with a small hug and follow the PA to your spot so that filming could begin.

you weren’t necessarily nervous anymore to film after how great the first episode went and how nice everyone has been to you online. you were also excited to get to know the bachelor’s of the show as you hadn’t learned anything about them from the previous episode. you weren’t allowed to watch the episode so everything you saw last night was only provided to you by the show’s production team. they took your personal phone and provided you with one from the show, it only had a few things on there where you could only see content about what people are saying surrounding you that the show picked out for you to see and document your personal thoughts for the show’s behind the scenes.

there seemed to be so much more that went into filming a show and you were grateful to just be on the other side of the camera where you didn’t have to think much about the logisitcs that went into making a whole tv show.

you can hear the love guru doing her usual routine of getting the crowd hyped up for the episode and setting up the structure for the second episode. she explains that this episode would be focused on the question and answer where you would have the chance to ask the bachelor’s questions to learn more about them.

the production team had given you a list of questions to ask the boys and from that you chose a certain amounto of questions that you would have to give to production so they can build the storytelling of the episode around those questions.

before you knew it, you were once again being announced by the host but this time you would be walking down the stairwell they had built for the set that was in the center of the stage. you smiled brightly and waved towards the audience as you walked down the stairs and made your way towards the love guru, a stool waiting for you to take a seat on.

“hi, yn! how is our little dove doing?” she asks and you tell her you were excited and so happy to be there. the love guru briefly touches on what happened in the last episode and even brings up all of the positivity you’ve been receiving online.

“from what i’ve seen, everyone has been really nice to me! so shout out to production for only showing me the nice comments and keeping the mean ones away.” you jokingly say and the audience laughs along with you and the host.

“of course! we try our best to uplift our contestants so all of those assholes online can kiss my ass.” the love guru says, winking and blowing a kiss towards the camera. “so, i’m sure you know how this episode will go, we’re going to bring out our bachelor’s and you’ll be able to ask them questions so you can get to know them better before you ask them on a date.” she explains while you nod and smile in response.

“ready?” she asks and you enthusiastically answer.

the crowd goes wild as the parition slowly descends from the sky, blocking your view of the boys as they all take turns walking down the stairs and taking their seats. the love guru greets them one by one and asks them a few questions before going into the nitty gritty, the Q&A.

“well, i’ve done enough talking, now it’s time for our dove to get to know our bachelor’s. yn, what is your first question and who is it for?” the love guru asks and before you ask your first question, you take a deep breath and take a look at the cards in your hand that have the questions written on them.

“i’ve only got a few questions but i think they’re the perfect questions for me to get to know all of you… so here it goes..

this question is for all of the bachelor’s, do you believe in love at first sight?” you ask and the crowd interjections with a curious sound while you wait for their answers.

bachelor no. 1: no, i don’t; but i think that love is built on memories and if your first sight with someone is the stepping stone to love then, sure. bachelor no. 2: yes but i think it isn’t always romantic, sometimes when you see someone for the first time you know they’re going to be a part of your life forever. so, yes? kinda..? haha.. bachelor no. 3: yes, i feel like knowing how you feel about someone at first glance is really important because it’s your first impression of them and when you feel those sparks and it seems like a love song is playing in your head; you know that it’s love. bachelor no. 4: i would say… yes! i’ve definitely felt like i’ve loved someone when i’ve first seen them but it doesn’t mean it will last, sadly. i probably shouldn’t say this but that’s how i felt about my ex, seeing her for the first time i knew i’d love her and i think that’s something that people should experience with love at least once in their lives.

you processed their questions and although you appreciated all of their responses, bachelor number one’s short and clear response stuck out to you, especially because he was the only one that said that he doesn’t believe in love at first sight. you also took the time to take in their voices, tone and inflection, and how they’d look depending on their voice.

it was hard to try to come up with how you think they would look but you took note of their voices and how it made you feel. one had an australian accent, another was smooth like honey, one was deep and low, while the other was surpassingly comforting.

“interesting answers guys.. personally i don’t believe in love at first sight because you can never know if you love someone until you’ve grown to learn who they are but i loved all of your answers…

bachelor’s one and three… who is your favorite person?”

there was a comfortable silence as the two bachelor’s tried to come up with their answers, you watched as the crowd intensely watched the guys on the opposite side of you to read their reactions but there wasn’t much besides furrowed brows and heart eyes for them. at least you could deduce that they’d be handsome even if you don’t know how they look.

this was an important question for you, one that you had asked to write in, and although you wanted to ask all of them this question, production only allowed you to ask two of them because they had chosen certain questions to be for all or some.

bachelor no. 1: my favorite person is my mom. it may seem like a generic answer but she’s the best person i’ve ever met. she is kind, loving, and everything i owe my happiness to. she’s taught me how to live a life where i won’t regret who i was and will be proud of the person i become. she’s my hero. bachelor no. 3: my favorite person would be my dad. i attribute a lot of things to him because he introduced me to many things as a kid to allowed me to exercise my brain in different ways. he was a strong, respectable, and kind man and he’s fully supported me in everything i do and i know it’s cliché but i wouldn’t be the man i am today without my dad.

both bachelor’s answers were very touching and it made your heart swell to know that both of them answered with a family member in mind. family values were important to you but it wasn’t a deal breaker; it’s just nice to know that they have people in their family that support them. you watch the crowd closely as you listen to their answers and much like before, it was all adoring looks and you couldn’t help but feel more eager to meet them all as you take in their responses to your questions.

you also make a point to remember that bachelor number one had spoken quite a bit and knowing it was because he wanted to share his admiration and love for his mom, it was very endearing.

bachelor number three’s answer also brought the same type of warmth as number one since both of them chose one of their parents. you loved to see that they both admired their parents and attributed the good things in their lives to the way they were raised and treated by their parents.

“for bachelors two and four… give me your best pickup line!” your question is instantly met with laughter and cheers as people seem to think the question is very amusing as everyone in the studio awaits the two bachelor’s pickup lines. this was a question on the list they had given you and you thought it was a good way to test their charisma and humor.

bachelor no. 2: if you had three wishes, what would you wish for? well… i guess you only have two wishes left now that i’m here. bachelor no. 4: do you play soccer? because you’re a keeper!

the crowd laughs at both men’s pickup lines and although you weren’t expecting much as the question to you was more of a personality test than anything serious like the question you had asked prior, it told you a bit about each of them.

bachelor number four must play soccer since he was keen to include soccer in his answer opposed to just using a typical pickup line while bachelor number two surprised you with his answer. it was not only a pickup line you hadn’t heard before but it was smooth and you could feel butterflies form in your stomach as if he said it to you directly while looking into your eyes. it was so direct yet playful. his voice also added to the effect, it was deep and smooth; like a warm cup of tea. comforting..

the other guy’s voice felt oddly familiar to you but you weren’t sure why. his accent was strong and it definitely lingered in your mind as you replayed his voice over and over. it was sweet and you could tell the crowd loved his accent as they’d swoon whenever he spoke– you found yourself intrigued but not in the same ways the crowd had fallen for him. maybe you just needed more time..

“wow! those surely were some pickup lines..” you say with a chuckle and the crowd laughs alongside you and the love guru as you poke a bit of fun at their pickup lines as if you didn’t enjoy them.

“okay, this question is for number one and four: in one action, how would you impress your girlfriend’s parents when meeting them for the first time?” this question was somewhat important, obviously you cared what your parents thought about your boyfriend but it doesn’t necessarily mean it would be the end all be all if they didn’t like him, unless he did something incredibly bad, then yeah; it’s over. this question was more to test their skills with parents and a way for you to analyze they’re ability to present themselves to people that mattered a lot to you.

“now remember boys, these are all hypothetical questions BUT we are airing this show so our dove’s parents will most likely see this.” the love guru adds in and all of the boys nod as if they weren’t aware of that circumstance in the first place.

bachelor no. 1: for me, i’d probably take care of the whole night. instead of meeting them half way to some restaurant or having her parents take care of the meal, i’d plan the meeting myself and all they’d have to do was show up. that way i can show them that i’m not only capable of taking care of their daughter, but also them. bachelor no. 4: i would impress them by showing her parents how well i know their daughter. i think a lot of parents are turned away from their children’s partners because they think they may not be worthy but by showing how well i know their daughter on more than just a superficial level, i think i’d make a good impression.

both of their answers were very good, you were constantly impressed with bachelor number one’s answers because they were so well thought out and clear but number four’s seemed to always leave you with a sense of curiosity that led you to want to know more. “number four, can you elaborate? what do you mean by “more than just a superficial level””? you asked with a shrug and everyone’s eyes were glued onto him.

it was like he was put under a spotlight and although you didn’t mean to do that, you were genuinely curious and wanted to learn more.

number four didn’t hesitate or falter to answer, “by that i mean i want to show them that i know their daughter enough to take care of and that means also knowing everything about who and what she loves. i’d do my best to accommodate and alleviate all of her worries, always consider how things would affect her and doing that will show her parents just how much i love her. of course i can go on and on about how much i love their daughter, but showing them is a lot more effective, don’t you think?”

it was in that moment that the familiarity you felt with number four finally hit you, the realization was like when you suddenly realize you may not have turned off the stove or if you had forgotten to lock your front door.. an uncertainty that lingered and it instantly made you feel anxious.

“everything ok?” the love guru asks as if she had caught onto your shift in behavior. you nodded and put on a smile that was convincing enough because everyone cheered as you straighten yourself out and moved onto the next question.

“okay! moving on..” you say with an awkward chuckle, one that doesn’t go unnoticed by quite literally everyone in the studio, you even noticed a weird expression from one of the cameramen.

“numbers two and three, how would you react if your girlfriend introduced you to her best friend who happens to be a boy?” although there was a clear answer to this question and you didn’t even have a best friend who was a boy, you wanted to hear their answers and have it be in front of an audience just in case that they ever turned their back on their word.

bachelor no. 2: i’d be like… that’s cool. to be honest i’d be somewhat intimidated, not because he’s a man but because he probably will be protective over her so he’s just another person’s trust i’d have to gain. my girlfriend’s friends are my friends. bachelor no. 3: i wouldn’t care much. i’m secure enough to know that my girl only has eyes for me and that we can trust each other. we’ll become friends because of our mutual love for her.

their answers weren’t anything out of the ordinary but you liked that number two admitted to the possibility of being intimidated by another man but following it up with his reasoning made you breathe a sigh of relief knowing that he was secure in his manhood– same with number three.

“this is my last question and its a very important one.. if you were a season.. what season would you be?” you had hyped up the question like it was some complex and well thought out inquiry but it was very simple– but to you; it told you a lot.

bachelor no. 1: autumn bachelor no. 2: fall bachelor no. 3: winter bachelor no. 4: spring

you were a bit surprised that no one said summer because you associated summer with joy and hanging out with loved ones– but it wasn’t your favorite season either.

to you, summer means spending time with your loved ones, being outside in the sun, enjoying the warmth on your skin, being lively, bright, and energetic. summer was bright and wild, something for the extroverts.

spring was about renewal and rebirth, a fresh start, and a way for people to enjoy something new. it’s for people who look forward to the first ray of sunlight after winter because it represents perseverance but also a new day. it’s like stepping outside after being cooped up indoors all day and taking your first breath of fresh air.

autumn, a fairly popular season, is all about cycles. when the leaves fall from the trees after they transition to the array of vibrant colors that represent warmth partnered with the crisp air that fall brings; this season is for those who find comfort in the simpler things like enjoying the way leaves crunch beneath their shoes or slowly watching the last leaf fall from a tree. it’s a season that brings warmth despite often being chilly.

winter, of course, is usually connected with the holidays. the icy cold air and the fluffy white snow, it’s nostalgic as you’re reminded of the holidays as a kid. hot chocolate made by your mom without her reminding you to put on warm socks and a sweater, getting excited to open gifts, looking out the window with wide eyes as you wait for the first sign of snowfall. winter was nostalgia with a mixture of desire as you think about the new year.

“thank you guys! i won’t elaborate further but telling me what season you’d be tells me a lot about yourself.. think of it as a little secret just for me!

i really appreciated all of your answers, they were all so thoughtful and funny and i’m very excited to get to know more about each of you as we go on dates these upcoming weeks!” you announce and the crowd cheers as they all get excited for the upcoming episodes where you’d go on a date with all of the boys and finally get to meet them.

you thought about the dates too, since you had no control over the dates and the boys would be the one planning it out, you were a bit nervous.. it also doesn’t help that the audience today and those watching at home are the ones choosing who you go on a date with first. you also recalled the awkward tension between you and one of the bachelor’s. the wall separating the two of you was so thick yet so thin, like it was a veil that served no purpose to it’s intended use.

there was no reason for you to feel that way with him since you didn’t know him so you just tossed it up to nerves and that you were equally nervous to meet all of the boys.. even if you were more nervous to meet one over the others for no apparent reason besides of a weird inkling.

you’ve began to tune out the rest of the filming as you get in your head a bit, not paying attention to the love guru as she signs off for the show’s closing; nudging you a bit to pull you out of your thoughts as you say goodbye to the crowd and blow a cheeky kiss to the camera, one that is received well by the crowd as they applaud in glee at your gesture.

“isn’t she cute, guys?” the love guru says and with a simple phrase, the producers and directors call for the end of filming. you immediately get up from your seat and jog to your dressing room, earning awkward stares from the production team and the crowd.

all of the bachelor’s unaware of your sudden action.

prev ep 𐐪♡𐑂 next ep

hoonieyun notes: the mystery begins!! you guys now have the opportunity to vote on who you want yn to go on a date with first based on the answers to her questions! keep in mind that the pictures do not reflect who each bachelor's are depending on what or who answered for the question the pictures are sectioned with or the order of the photosets. it's simply just for visuals as how i think they'd dress for this week's episode! don't forget to vote below but i will be ending the poll two days early so i can write out the chapter and leave it a bit of surprise on who won the poll! also PLEASE leave your theories below on who you think each bachelor is based on the answers!! i tried to match it the best i can to what i think each hyung line member would say :3

copyright 2025 - present © hoonieyun all rights reserved all writing here is fiction & not in any association with characters mentioned. if you enjoyed reading this please consider reblogging and following <3

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cosyvelvetorchid · 2 days ago

Text

My Big Ao3 Master list

Multi-chapter

General

Serendipity - Based on the movie of the same name

Explicit

For One Night Only.. Maybe - The fake dating/Clipboard Buck au. Tommy asks Buck to be his fake boyfriend in order to get his aunt to stop setting him up with men, and it goes well. Very well.

I Want You To Want Me - Buck strikes up a friendship with an old 118 pal, Tommy. Over the next few months they bond over text and Buck develops some surprising new feelings.

Death Becomes Them - A month after Tommy breaks up with buck his dad dies and Buck accompanies him back to his home town. Tommy finally opens up about his past and they both reevaluate things and share some truths.

100 Days - When Bucks apartment building gets sold and the rent gets raised to high, Chimney suggests he stay with an old 118 buddy, Tommy, who was renting out his spare room to make some extra cash. He’s immediately taken by how nice Tommy is, and Tommy is absolutely taken by how sunny and thoughtful Evan is.

I don't Want To Fall In Love - (Ongoing) - Buck is temporarily reassigned to Harbor station to cover. his immediate impression of Tommy is not good. But when Buck has a panic attack and Tommy helps him, things change. From friends, to friends with benefits, to.. something both of them are terrified of and use every ounce of energy to shove deep down away. But It's not that easy..

Possibility - Set around season 6. While Buck is working on living his life in the 'Age of Possibility', a former member of the 118, Tommy Kinard, gets temporarily transferred back to the station, opening up Buck to a whole new world of possibility.

One shots

General

The Letter - w/c 2,203 - Buck decided it was time to gives Tommy back his things and throws in the box the letter he’d had in his locker in case something happened to him. It’s the last thing Tommy expects.

Tommy's Wonderful Life - w/c 12,927 - Based on the movie It's A Wonderful Life. Heartbroken about his decision to break up with Buck, Tommy gets a chance to see what everbody's life would be like without him.

For The Love Of God No More Baking - w/c 3,475 - Eddie’s had enough of both Buck and Tommy in his ear about their breakup so he decides to interfere and force them to talk.

I Belong With You - w/c 4,297 - With the help of Eddie (and his fist) Tommy releases what a mistake he’s made and tries to fix things with Buck.

Fight - w/c 1,881 - Tommy gets some news that makes Buck spiral about their relationship and goes to his sister (and her sidekick Josh) for advice.

Accident - w/c 2,466 - Tommy learns that Evan was in an accident and finds himself thinking about their future

Four Weeks - w/c 3,677 - After Buck is helped out of a tricky situation by pilot Tommy Kinnard, he feels drawn to make sure he's okay when he has his own accident, and reaches out. After four weeks of texting, then phone calls, then finally meeting in person, Buck starts to feel something new.

I Am Not Your Son - w/c 2,302 - Tommy has no choice but to see his father and confronts him about his past.

He Doesn't Have The Power, you do! - w/c 1,537 - After running into Captain Gerrard at the medal ceremony, Tommy opens up to Buck about how he feels. And in more ways than he was expecting to.

Teen

Shattered Glass - w/c 2,601 - Tommy begins to open up to Buck about his dad.

Explicit

I Should Let You In - w/c 15,537 - Buck discovers his bisexuality in his probationary year and he and Tommy embark on a secret affair. Gradually, he starts to feel more for him and wonders if Tommy, the closed off and less than talkative man, will ever feel the same.

And You Fill My Head With You - w/c 13,023 - Bucks halloween party doesn't go to plan and everybody has to leave except for Tommy who he'd only just met. By the end of the night they're both feeling some surprising new feelings.

Cake - w/c 1,937 - Buck makes an idiot of himself on his first date with Tommy, but after explaining himself, Tommy agrees to start over and the night gets better.

I'll Crawl Home To Him - w/c 12,478 - Buck storms out of his parents home after another fight and find himself at a local motel and unexpectedly spends the whole evening with the owner, who by an incredible coincidence used to work at the 118. Before the night is over Buck’s entire world has been flipped upside down and leaving will be anything but easy.

One Year With You - w/c 4,148 - Some important moments in buck And Tommy's first year together.

Down Goes The Wall - w/c 4,302 - Tommy, having taken things slow with Buck to make sure he doesn't feel pressured, realises he's true feelings for Buck

Bonus saltommy

Explicit

Say That Again - w/c 2,188 - Sal, lashing out about his divorce, let's his true feelings about Tommy free

#911 abc #911 #911onabc #tommy kinard #bucktommy #911 buck #evan buckley #buck x tommy #evan buck buckely #bucktommy fic #tevan #tevan fic #bucktommy au #bucktommy alternate meet #saltommy

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cathrinu · 2 days ago

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List of things which i wish we got sevika's reaction/ pov on

silco rejecting Jayce's deal

We see in s2 that she refuses to hand jinx over because she's a zaunite. Silco doesn't do it because she's his daughter. Jinx and sevika had a hostile relationship s1. although I don't think she would've handed jinx over, the deal that jayce agreed to follow if jinx was handed over was MUCH juicier than what smeech suggests. It sure as hell would damage her opinion of silco more and I can only imagine the frustration that she harbors after the people she keeps throwing her weight behind all start capitulating.

Reaction to the deaths of jinx(?) and isha

I feel this could've fleshed out the trio more; i love their little trio but we have so little of the three of them together that the dynamic feels incomplete. Like you don't have a lot of content to make substantial headcanons on if that makes sense lol. We never see sevika with any support systems/community (she starts to build some s2 but zaun as a whole doesn't see her in a leadership position and jinx/isha died to her knowledge). Man I wish we got more of this trio in general

Scar collab? How/when did they decide to team up?

Scar was the only person to acknowledge sevika at the stillwater prison break.... and then we see them representing zaun at jayce's assembly. We got one (1) crumb of them interacting, but given that the chembarons and firelights were mortal enemies it'd be nice to have more than that single crumb.

The decent into working for a druglord/ flooding the streets with shimmer/ her relationship with the drug in general?

Why she took that mf council seat

I don't even have a yap paragraph for this. I just need to know what her thought process was. She never was the type to work within the system, why a council seat now? I'm 100% sure that she had lines that were cut as we saw sevikas VA in the recording booth for the scene which she took her seat.

#arcane #sevika #sevika arcane #arcane analysis #begging for sevika backstory omg #dont get me started on that mf poster post

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bluebirdinhissky · 2 days ago

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A best friend’s duty is to make you feel at home.

Hyunjin x Reader.

Bird note: This is a continuation of the Seollal celebration. Reminder, Reader is older than Hyunjin and not korean. Also WARNING, this is the longest I’ve written, so thank you so much if you read everything!!

[Masterlist]

The train ride to Hyunjin’s hometown had been peaceful, filled with easy conversation and stretches of comfortable silence. Now, as they stepped off the platform and into the crisp winter air, the reality of what was happening started to settle in: she was meeting his parents.

Hyunjin glanced over at her as they walked toward the station exit, her hands tucked into the pockets of her coat. She looked calm on the surface, but he knew her well enough to catch the tiny signs of nervousness: the way she pressed her lips together, the way she adjusted the strap of her bag even though it wasn’t slipping.

His parents had been excited when he told them she was coming. His mom had immediately started planning meals and didn’t hesitate to text Hyunjin after their call to ask what kind of meals she liked and just laughed when he told her she was as picky as him, or maybe even more; and his dad had casually mentioned how it would be nice to have “another artist in the house” for a few days. Still, he understood why she was worried. Meeting someone’s parents was a big deal, even if it was just as friends.

“Stop overthinking,” he murmured, nudging her lightly with his elbow.

“I’m not overthinking.” She shot him a look.

“You so are,” he teased, grinning when she huffed. “It’s gonna be fine. They already like you, remember?”

“That’s what you say, but what if…”

“Nope.” He cut her off before she could start listing possible disasters. “No ‘what ifs.’ Just relax, okay?”

She exhaled but nodded, adjusting her scarf as they stepped out of the station and took a taxi to his parent’s house. After some minutes of quiet ride, they arrived.

Hyunjin adjusted the strap of his bag as they stood outside his childhood home. He could still feel her nerves even without looking at her, her grip on her suitcase was a little too tight, her breathing just a bit more controlled than usual. He tried to act casual but her nervousness was getting to him, and he was starting to get nervous too but he was better at hiding it.

“You’re acting like you’re about to meet a king and queen.” He laughed.

“It’s your parents, Hyunjin.”

“Exactly.” He grinned. “Not royalty. Just two normal people who already like you.”

She exhaled unconvinced, but before she could talk herself into backing out, he opened the door and stepped inside.

The warmth of home wrapped around him instantly. The air smelled faintly of his mom’s cooking, and the space looked just as familiar as always, soft lighting, the hum of the heater, the cozy silence of a lived-in home.

“Hyunjin-ah!”

His mom appeared from the kitchen, her face lighting up the moment she saw him. And then her eyes landed on the woman beside him, and her expression softened with something closer to curiosity.

“You must be Y/N.”, she said in a heavy korean accent english. Hyunjin appreciated his mom’s effort to communicate with her.

“It’s nice to meet you.” She bowed politely.

“Oh, you’re even prettier than I expected.” His mom smiled, stepping closer. “Hyunjin only told me you were beautiful once, but I can see he was holding back.”

Hyunjin coughed. “Mom.”

Hyunjin barely had time to react before she continued, tilting her head as she studied her. “Now I think my son was lying. He told me you’re older than him, I still can’t believe you’re older than Hyunjin. You look his age.”

Hyunjin sighed. “Mom.”

“What? It’s true!” His mom laughed, turning back to her. “I thought he was joking at first, even now that I see you in person, I still don’t believe it.”

She smiled politely. “People usually think I’m younger.”

Hyunjin smirked. “She doesn’t just look younger. She acts younger too.”

She nudged him subtly, and he bit back a laugh.

His dad entered then, nodding in greeting as he took in the scene. “Welcome,” he said simply, his voice calm but kind. “I hope you had a good trip.”

She nodded. “Yes, thank you for having me.”

His mom beamed. “Of course! Any friend of Hyunjin’s is welcome here. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. Hyunjin talks about you all the time, so it already feels like I know you.”

She glanced at Hyunjin, who gave her a smug little smirk.

His dad, standing just behind his mom, coughed and sensed his son’s nervousness. “I hope Hyunjin didn’t give you too much trouble on the way here.”

“Hey,” Hyunjin protested, but she just laughed.

“He was actually well-behaved this time,” she joked.

His dad chuckled. “That’s good to hear. Let’s move to the livingroom.” and so they walked towards the living space where Kkami was already waiting by the couch, tail wagging excitedly.

“Oh, that’s right,” his mom said as she walked to the near couch. “Kkami finally gets to meet you.”

Hyunjin smirked. “He’s gonna love you.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure. Dogs usually sense when someone isn’t a dog person.” She gave him a skeptical look.

“Dogs love you,” he corrected. “Even though you don’t love them.”

“I don’t hate them,” she muttered.

Before she could say more, Kkami trotted forward, then, without hesitation, he wagged his tail even harder and placed his front paws against her legs, looking up at her expectantly.

“Uh…” She blinked.

“Told you.” Hyunjin grinned.

“Oh, he really likes you! That’s a good sign.” His mom said.

With an amused sigh, she hesitantly reached down and gave Kkami a few pats on the head. He responded by circling her feet before sitting down beside her, content.

“Looks like you have a new shadow while you’re here.” Hyunjin’s dad laughed.

“I hope you’ll be comfortable here,” his mom said kindly. “If you need anything, just let me know.”

“Thank you,” she said sincerely. “I really appreciate it.”

For some hours, Hyunjin played with Kkami while she looked at them. He asked her if she could take some videos of them playing, so he could show them to Stay some other time.

“Dinner’s ready!” his mom told them from the kitchen. He missed his mom’s meals so he hurried up while grabbing her by the hand, and she let go of it just before his mom entered the dining room.

At the table, the conversation flowed easily. His mom was full of questions, clearly eager to learn more about her.

“So, you and Hyunjin met through Hannah and Changbin, right?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I moved in with them when I first came to Korea, and Hyunjin was already living there.”

His mom smiled. “And now you two are best friends. It’s nice to see him so close with someone other than the ‘kids’.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “Mom.”

She ignored him, turning back to his best friend. “You know, I was surprised when Hyunjin said you were older than him.”

She smiled, but there was a slight hesitation before she spoke. “Actually… I’m fourteen years older.”

There was a brief pause. His mom blinked, eyebrows lifting slightly. “Yeah, he said that, that’s why I didn’t believe it when I saw you”

His dad, unfazed, simply nodded. “Yes, you certainly don’t look it.”

His mom quickly recovered, nodding in agreement. “Exactly! You don’t look a day older than Hyunjin.”

“Told you.” Hyunjin smirked.

She exhaled in amusement.

His mom tilted her head curiously. “Is it ever awkward? The age gap?”

She glanced at Hyunjin before shaking her head. “Not really. He never makes me feel weird about it.”

His mom’s eyes softened. “That’s good. As long as you’re both comfortable.”

Hyunjin noticed the way she relaxed at his mom’s words, and for some reason, it made his chest feel lighter.

“So,” his mom began, setting down her glass, “Hyunjin told us you moved to Seoul for a change of environment. What made you choose Korea?”

Hyunjin just had mentioned bits to her mom about Hannah inviting her, but didn’t share the real reason. He noticed the small pause before she answered.

“I was heartbroken,” she admitted softly. “A relationship ended badly, and I fell into a really bad place. I was depressed, and I didn’t know how to move forward. Hannah suggested I move here, thinking a new environment would help me heal.”

Hyunjin’s fingers tightened around his cup.

He already knew this, of course. He had seen it, had watched her struggle, had held her when she broke down, had been there in all the moments she thought no one was watching. But hearing her say it aloud, to his parents, made his chest ache in a different way.

His mom’s expression softened. “That must have been difficult,” she said gently. “I’m sorry you went through that.”

She nodded. “It was. But… I had good people supporting me.” She glanced at Hyunjin. “And Hyunjin helped too. More than he probably realizes.”

“I did?” Hyunjin blinked.

“Yeah.” She smiled at him.

His mom watched the exchange with interest before turning to his dad. “See? Our son is sweeter than he pretends to be.”

“I don’t pretend!” Hyunjin huffed.

“It must be interesting, living together. Do you ever get tired of him?” His dad chuckled.

“Dad!” Hyunjin groaned.

“It’s a valid question. Hyunjin can be a lot.” His mom grinned, clearly amused.

She hesitated briefly before shaking her head. “I don’t get tired of him.” Hyunjin blinked, thrown off by how certain she sounded. She glanced at him before looking back at his mom. “He’s helped me a lot,” she continued. “More than he knows. He helped me be happier. Move on. Believe in myself again.” A small pause. Then, quieter, “Heal.”

Hyunjin felt something shift in his chest.

She had never said that before.

His throat tightened as he watched her, trying to process the weight of her words. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing, just letting the moment settle around them.

“That’s good to hear.” His mom smiled knowingly.

His dad, sensing the change in atmosphere, shifted the topic. “Hyunjin mentioned you like animals. Do you like dogs?”

“I’m more of a cat person.” She smiled nervously.

“She’s not scared of dogs, but she doesn’t get them.” Hyunjin smirked.

“That’s not true.” She protested.

“Well, Kkami will change your mind, I’m sure.” His mom laughed.

Right on cue, the sound of small paws tapping against the floor filled the room. Within seconds, Kkami came bounding in, tail wagging furiously.

“Looks like he already likes you.” Hyunjin grinned.

Kkami pushed against her hand, demanding attention. She hesitated before reaching out, and Kkami immediately leaned into her touch, tail wagging harder.

“Dogs always know good people.” His mom said the fact.

“So, you’ve been in Korea for a while now. Do you plan on staying long-term?” His dad asked curiously.

She nodded. “For now, I’m happy in Seoul. I don’t plan to move away.”

Hyunjin hadn’t realized how much he wanted to hear that until now. He had never considered the possibility of her actually moving away and he was glad he hadn’t think about it before.

His mom smiled, satisfied. “Then I hope this isn’t the last time we see you.”

Hyunjin smirked, nudging her lightly. “See? Told you they’d like you.”

She rolled her eyes, but her posture had relaxed, and for some reason, that made Hyunjin feel lighter, too.

The evening had passed more smoothly than Hyunjin expected. Dinner was warm and comforting, filled with laughter and easy conversation. His mom, as expected, had already taken a liking to her, and his dad, though more reserved, had seemed just as welcoming, but now, as the night settled in, the house was winding down.

His mom stretched as she stood from the dining table. “It’s getting late,” she said, suppressing a yawn. “We should all get some sleep.”

His dad nodded in agreement, already heading toward their bedroom. “Goodnight, you two.”

“Goodnight!” They both called after them.

She stood up as well, hesitating slightly before glancing at him. “Where am I going to sleep?”

“Oh, you’re staying in my room.” Hyunjin smirked, already enjoying this way too much.

Her eyes widened slightly, and for a split second, he saw real panic flash across her face. He barely managed to hold back his laughter before shaking his head. “I’m kidding. Relax.”

“Hyunjin!” She let out a sharp exhale.

“Come on, that was funny.” He grinned before grabbing her suitcase that stayed in the entrance ever since they arrived, forgotten. “I’ll show you.”

He led her down the hall, stopping in front of a door. Pushing it open, he flicked on the light, revealing a cozy, neatly arranged room. He rolled her suitcase inside before stepping aside to let her enter. “It’s not huge, but it’s comfortable.”

She took a few steps in, glancing around. The bed was neatly made, the blankets tucked in perfectly. A small nightstand held a lamp, and there was a window with thick curtains, keeping out the chill.

“This is nice.” She turned to him.

“Told you my parents would take care of you.” Hyunjin leaned against the doorway, watching her.

She smiled softly. For a moment, the silence between them stretched. The house was quiet now, his parents bedroom door already closed.

“You look cute when you’re shy.” He tilted his head slightly, gaze flickering over her.

“I… I’m not shy.” She stiffened.

Hyunjin smirked, stepping just a little closer. “Hmm, really?” His voice dropped, playful and teasing. “Then why are you blushing?”

“I’m not…”

“You are.” He leaned in just enough to make her flinch.

“Your parents are right down the hall,” she whispered, clearly flustered. She turned her face away, avoiding his gaze.

“And?” Hyunjin chuckled, thoroughly entertained.

“And they might hear you flirting and think something weird.”

“Something weird?” He bit his lip to stop himself from laughing.

“You know what I mean.” She huffed.

Hyunjin grinned. He could see her struggling, not because she didn’t want to flirt back, but because she was too shy with his parents so close.

It was cute.

He leaned against the doorframe, watching her as she nervously adjusted the sleeves of her sweater.

“Alright, alright,” he said finally, voice softer now. “I’ll be nice… for tonight.”

“For tonight?” She gave him a look.

“Yeah. Don’t think this means I’ll stop.” He smirked.

She rolled her eyes but didn’t argue.

Hyunjin chuckled as he pushed himself off the doorframe. “Sleep well, okay?”

She nodded. “You too.”

With that, he stepped back into the hallway, heading toward his old bedroom.

And as he walked away, he couldn’t wipe the grin off his face.

*The next morning*

Hyunjin was already up, dressed in a hanbok, an outfit that made him look even more regal than usual. He texted her asking if she was up already. As soon as she replied he went to her room, knocking on the door. She opened a few seconds later.

“Morning,” he said cheerfully, adjusting the collar of his hanbok. “You’re up early.”

“Yeah… it’s hard to sleep in when you’re not in your own bed,” she replied, stretching again.

He nodded, eyes lighting up. “It’s Seollal today, so you’ll get to experience a bunch of traditions. Get ready for some fun.”

“Fun?” she raised an eyebrow.

He winked, clearly enjoying teasing her. “Maybe not fun for you, but it’s going to be an experience, that’s for sure.”

Before she could ask what he meant by that, his mom appeared from behind him, hands on her hips as she smiled warmly at Y/N.

“Y/N-ssi, good morning! We’re going to wear hanbok today, so you’ll need to put one on too. It’s a part of the Seollal tradition. You’ll look beautiful in it!”

Hyunjin chuckled under his breath, his eyes glinting with amusement. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you pick one out.”

She shot him a playful glare. “What, you’re going to pick out my outfit?”

“Of course.” He crossed his arms, leaning back against the wall with a grin. “I’m a fashion expert.”

“Don’t let him fool you,” his mom chimed in, leading them over to the closet where they kept the hanboks. “He has no taste when it comes to picking out clothes. You’re better off picking your own.”

Hyunjin raised his hands in mock surrender. “Fine!”

His mom brought out a few hanboks, setting them down on the bed. The garments were beautiful, rich fabrics in shades of red, blue, and gold, with intricate embroidery that made them look like they belonged in a historical drama.

Hyunjin’s mom gently encouraged her to pick one that felt the most comfortable. “You’ll be wearing it for a while, so it’s best if it fits well.”

After a few minutes of careful choosing, she decided on a soft pink hanbok with delicate gold patterns that seemed to shimmer in the light. Hyunjin stood nearby, watching as she changed into the hanbok, his expression unreadable. When she was done, his eyes widened, and a soft smile spread across his face. “Wow,” he said, voice softer than before. “You look beautiful.”

Her cheeks flushed under his gaze, but she was saved by his mom, who came over with a small box of traditional accessories: a hairpin, a ribbon, and a decorative piece to hang on her waistband.

“Now, we’re ready,” his mom said with a smile, fastening the final touches. “We can begin the formal Seollal ceremony soon.”

Hyunjin, now standing beside her, explained the next steps. “The Seollal celebration involves a ritual called ‘Sebae,’ where we pay respects to our elders and ancestors. You’ll see us bow to them and make wishes for the upcoming year.”

She nodded, seemingly impressed by how seriously he took the tradition.

His mom looked over at them both, satisfied. “Let’s go. It’s time for the family ceremony.”

And so, with their hanboks carefully adjusted and the weight of tradition in the air, they joined his parents in the living room to prepare for the next part of the celebration.

*After the celebrations*

The house had fallen quiet, the celebration of Seollal a distant memory now. After the long day of traditional celebrations and catching up with his parents, Hyunjin found himself standing at the kitchen counter, putting away the last of the dishes. His mind wandered to the one thing that had been on his mind all evening: her.

She hadn’t been to his room yet. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt strange. Back home, she’d never hesitated to come into his room whenever she felt like it. But here, in his parents house, things were different. The tension from earlier in the day still hung in the air. They’d gotten along fine, of course, but he knew she was still adjusting. It wasn’t just the new environment; it was the feeling of being under his parents watchful eyes, and the worry of making a good impression.

He wiped his hands on a dish towel, his gaze drifting toward the living room. She was sitting on the couch, her phone in hand. She seemed a bit distant. He couldn’t help but feel a little curious, a little concerned, but mostly, he was just… impatient. He missed the easy comfort of their usual routine. Pushing the towel aside, Hyunjin walked over to the couch, leaning casually against the armrest.

“Hey,” he started with a teasing grin. “You’ve been here for two days already, and you still haven’t come to my room. What’s going on?”

She looked up from her phone, startled for a moment, and then she looked away quickly. He could tell she was uncomfortable, but he wasn’t sure why.

She cleared her throat, her fingers fiddling with the phone screen. “I didn’t want to intrude,” she said, her voice quiet.

“Intrude?” He raised an eyebrow, amused. “You’re not intruding. You’ve been to my room like a hundred times back home. What’s different now?”

She shifted slightly, her gaze still avoiding his. She seemed a little embarrassed, but it was the way she fidgeted that told him something else. It was like she wasn’t sure of the boundaries here.

“I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable,” she murmured.

Hyunjin’s smile softened a little. He understood now, it wasn’t just about his room or his parents. It was the fact that they were here, under his parents roof, and maybe she was worried it would look… different.

He leaned in a little closer, his voice dropping into a more playful tone. “Hey, it’s just me and you. Nothing to worry about, right? Besides, we’re best friends. It’s not like we’re doing anything weird.”

She didn’t say anything at first, but he could tell she was still nervous. He wasn’t sure if it was because of his parents or something else, but he wasn’t going to push her.

After a few moments, he stood up straighter, brushing off his hanbok. “I’m just saying, you’re making it awkward by not coming over.” He glanced at the door. “Come on, let’s go. I’m not going to bite.”

She hesitated, looking at him as if she was weighing her options. He could tell she wasn’t completely convinced, but he also knew that if he kept teasing her, she wouldn’t be able to resist.

“You should probably keep your voice down,” she said finally, her tone quiet and careful.

Hyunjin’s grin returned, but he didn’t press her on it. Instead, he chuckled, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “You act like we’re sneaking around.” He reached out and gently tugged on her wrist, urging her to get up. “It’s just me, beastie. Relax.”

She finally stood, following him down the hall to his room. He could tell she was still a little unsure, but he was glad she was going along with it. He didn’t want her to feel awkward about being in his space, especially not here.

Once they were inside his room, Hyunjin turned on the light, revealing the familiar surroundings. The room felt a little different with her here.

He tossed himself on the bed “See? Not so bad, right?”

She gave him a small smile, but he could tell she was still a bit hesitant. He wondered if she was worried about his parents hearing them, or if she just wasn’t quite ready for the familiarity of being in his childhood room like this.

He sat now on the edge of the bed, leaning back a little. “It’s just us, no one else. Don’t worry about it,” he said, trying to reassure her. She stood near the door, not coming any closer, and Hyunjin raised an eyebrow. “What’s going on? You’re not usually so stiff around me.”

She shifted again, clearly unsure. “It’s just… I don’t want to make things weird”

After a beat of silence, Hyunjin patted the bed beside him, an invitation he hoped she wouldn’t resist. “Come on, you can sit here. Nothing to be shy about. Nothing weird will happen”

She looked at him for a moment, then finally, to his surprise, walked over and sat down beside him. There was still a little distance between them, but he could tell she was starting to relax.

Hyunjin couldn’t help but smile. This was all still a little different, but with her, everything felt just like it always had been, natural, easy. Even if they were in his parents house, everything felt right. For a while, it felt like everything was back to normal, just the two of them, their usual easy conversation, and the comfortable silence between them that had always made their time together feel effortless.

Kkami had been quietly lying on the floor, but soon, his presence was felt as he trotted over, his tail wagging energetically. He immediately jumped onto the bed, nudging her with his nose, as if inviting her to give him attention. She flinched at first, not used to having a dog so close, but she didn’t push him away. Hyunjin noticed the way her hand hesitated, and he grinned. “He’s harmless,” he reassured her

“Yeah, I can tell,” she murmured, her voice soft, as her hand gingerly reached out to pet Kkami. He let out a small, satisfied yip, nudging her hand with his nose and Hyunjin found it a bit amusing how his dog had taken a liking to someone who wasn’t particularly fond of dogs.

They spent a few more minutes just talking, Kkami curling up between them, occasionally nudging her for more attention. Hyunjin watched her interact with the dog, noting how she had warmed up a little, even if she was still a bit reserved. Her usual reserved nature around Kkami was endearing, and Hyunjin liked that he could see her letting her guard down, even just a little.

But after a while, Hyunjin noticed a change. She had started to lean back against the headboard of the bed, her eyelids growing heavy, the soft rhythm of her breathing a subtle sign that she was getting tired. He glanced over at her, noticing how she fought to stay awake, even though she was clearly exhausted. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight, her usual quiet determination, even in something as simple as staying up.

“You know, for someone who didn’t want to come into my room,” he said softly, trying not to startle her, “you look like you’re about to fall asleep right here.”

She looked at him, a soft blush creeping onto her cheeks as she sat up a bit straighter. “I didn’t mean to,” she muttered, rubbing her eyes tiredly. “I guess I didn’t realize how tired I was.”

Hyunjin chuckled, shaking his head. “I told you it’d be a long day. You should get some rest. You’ve been up since early this morning.”

She nodded, standing up slowly and giving Kkami one last pat on the head. “You’re right,” she said, her voice still sleepy. She glanced over at Hyunjin, her expression soft. “Thanks for letting me hang out with you for a while.”

He smiled, leaning back against the bed. “Of course. You can come back whenever you want.”

She hesitated for a moment, standing by the door as if she were deciding something. Her eyes met his briefly, then she quickly looked down, suddenly shy. “Goodnight, Hyunjin. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, beastie,” he replied, his voice warm. “Sleep well.”

As she left the room, Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel a little strange. There was a kind of quiet sweetness to the way she said goodnight, a gentle vulnerability that made him think about how much he enjoyed just having her around, even in the silence.

When the door softly clicked shut behind her, he sat for a moment, thinking about how much things had changed, how much closer they had become since she moved to Seoul. The bond they shared had deepened in ways he hadn’t quite anticipated. He couldn’t put his finger on exactly when it had happened, but he knew that whatever was happening between them, it wasn’t just friendship anymore and he couldn’t keep ignoring he wasn’t fine with just being friends.

He leaned back against the pillow, a smile tugging at his lips. Despite everything that had changed, there was still something so comforting about having her around. He wasn’t sure where things were headed, but he knew one thing for sure: he was looking forward to whatever came next, something deep inside of him telling him she might actually feel the same.

With that thought, he drifted into sleep, the peaceful silence of his room enveloping him, leaving the thoughts of the day behind.

*The day after Seollal Celebrations*

The morning light poured through the window of Hyunjin’s room, waking him from his slumber. It had been a restful night, the warmth of the blankets and the quiet house making it easy to sleep soundly. He had gotten used to the comfort of his room, though the knowledge that his best friend was staying at his parents house still made him feel a little like things were on their way to become official. He tried to push those thoughts aside as he stretched out beneath the covers because he didn’t want to be more nervous, the day ahead promising to be a quiet continuation of the family celebration.

Hyunjin’s parents had already woken up, their voices sounding in the kitchen. His mom had started preparing breakfast, a traditional Korean meal of rice, kimchi, and side dishes, the smell of it wafting up through the house.

After getting dressed, Hyunjin opened the door and made his way downstairs, where the sounds of morning chatter and the sizzle of food greeted her. Y/N was already sitting at the table, talking animatedly to his dad while his mom arranged the food. She looked up when she saw him, her eyes softening into a smile.

“Good morning,” he greeted them, his voice a little more casual now that they were surrounded by his family.

“Good morning, Hyunjin.” They greeted him. He walked over and took a seat across from her. His mom joining with food not long after.

As they ate, the conversation flowed easily around the table. His mom asked about Y/N’s life in Seoul and how she had been adjusting, which was something she had mentioned the day before. “You are a brave woman,” his mom said, a warmth in her voice. “It takes courage to move to a new place on your own.”

Y/N gave a small smile. “It wasn’t easy, but I’m glad I came. It’s been… a good change.”

The rest of the morning was spent in a quiet, peaceful rhythm. After breakfast, they spent time playing a few traditional games. Hyunjin’s parents taught her how to play yutnori, a game involving a board and wooden sticks that is traditionally played during the New Year. Even though Y/N wasn’t very familiar with it, Hyunjin’s mom was patient, showing her the rules and laughing whenever Y/N made a mistake. Hyunjin, meanwhile, seemed to enjoy seeing Y/N try her best, though he also teased her when she got too competitive with his dad.

In the afternoon, after lunch, his parents took a nap, and Y/N was left to chat with Hyunjin in the living room. They sat on the couch together, Kkami curling up by her feet, occasionally glancing up at her as if waiting for her to pet him again.

“Do you want to go outside for a bit?” Hyunjin asked, stretching lazily. “Maybe get some fresh air?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

They walked outside into the yard behind the house, the cold air hitting them as they stepped out. The sky was clear, the sun still bright in the afternoon but already starting to dip lower. The house was set in a quiet neighborhood, the occasional sound of children playing or people calling to each other drifting through the air.

Hyunjin looked over at her, his hands stuffed into his jacket pockets. “So, we’re heading back to Seoul tonight, right?” She nodded, her gaze drifting to the horizon.

“Yeah. I don’t think I’m ready to go back just yet, though. I’m really enjoying being here, but I know it’s time to go home.”

He smiled at that, a little fondly. “Yeah. Me too. I’m glad you came, though. It feels… good, having you here.”

“I’m glad too.”

They stood there for a while, enjoying the calmness of the moment. Kkami, having followed them outside, was happily chasing his tail in the snow-covered yard. After a while, they went back inside to find that his parents were awake, and the evening was approaching.

The day had passed quickly, and before long, Hyunjin and Y/N were gathering their things, getting ready to head back to their apartment in Seoul. Hyunjin’s parents were already getting ready to go to bed, saying their goodbyes as they made their way to the living room to send them off.

“Thank you for having me,” Y/N said sincerely to his mom and dad, her voice quiet but appreciative.

His dad gave her a kind smile. “Of course. You’re always welcome here.”

As they left the house and took the train back to Seoul, the weight of the day seemed to lift. When they arrived, their driver was already waiting for them. The drive was quiet, just the soft hum of the car’s engine filling the space. Hyunjin glanced at Y/N every so often, wondering if she was thinking about the same things he was.

When the driver finally pulled into the driveway and parked, Hyunjin turned to her, the excitement in his eyes unmistakable. “We’re home,” he said with a playful grin. He couldn’t help but feel a little relieved. Having her at his side had become a normal part of his life here in Seoul, and even after the few days with his parents, he was happy to have her back in their shared space.

“Yeah. Feels good.”

Hyunjin’s eyes softened at her words, and he felt a pull to her. “I’m glad you came with me,” he said again, his voice casual but with a sincerity he couldn’t hide. It had been a little nerve-wracking, wondering how she’d feel about the whole family thing, meeting his parents, learning about the traditions. But seeing her hold her own with them, the way she opened up about herself, made him realize just how much she had become a part of his life here in Seoul.

They thanked the driver and headed inside the apartment, still empty, since Hannah and Changbin were not going to arrive until tomorrow

The silence stretched between them as Hyunjin tossed his jacket over a chair, the stillness almost too much without his friends around to fill it. He turned back to her, unable to keep the teasing tone out of his voice. “Hey, since it’s just us tonight, how about you stay in my room?” he asked, a playful smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “I missed having you there.”

“I guess… maybe just for tonight,” she finally said, her voice softer than usual, but she was playing along.

Hyunjin grinned. “What do you mean just for tonight? No, beastie, it’s where you belong.” The words came out almost too easily, and he could feel his chest tightening with something that was hard to name. He turned to lead the way to his room, already imagining the comfort of her presence next to him.

Once inside, the room felt more like his own. It had been strange, staying away for a few days, but now that she was with him, things felt… right. She set her things down by the dresser, glancing around the room like it was unfamiliar, though it wasn’t. It was as if something about the situation was putting her on edge, even though she had stayed with him many times.

Hyunjin leaned against the wall, his gaze following her as she moved around the room. He started to think about her words she’d said to his parents. He had been thinking about it all day, the way she had spoken so openly about him helping her heal. She had never said anything like that to him before, and it caught him off guard. He wanted to know more.

“I’ve been thinking about something all day.” He let the words linger between them, watching her as she stopped moving and turned her attention to him, her curiosity piqued.

“What’s that?” she asked, her tone just shy of cautious, like she wasn’t sure what he was going to say next.

Hyunjin took a small step toward her, his smirk never wavering. “That thing you said to my parents… about me helping you heal, about me helping you believe in yourself again,” he said, his voice softer now, almost teasing. “I didn’t know you thought that way about it.”

Her posture stiffened, and she fidgeted a bit, clearly uncomfortable with him bringing it up. Hyunjin could tell that she hadn’t meant for it to sound so significant, but there it was, hanging in the air.

“I didn’t mean to make it sound like a big deal,” she said, almost apologetically, her voice low and careful. Hyunjin took a small step closer, his eyes softening, a slight tilt to his head.

“But it is a big deal,” he said, his voice low and serious for a moment. “You don’t have to downplay it. I’m just glad you said it.”

Her lips parted as though she was about to respond, but instead, she simply glanced away, her hands shifting nervously in front of her. Hyunjin knew she wasn’t great at talking about feelings, at least not in such direct terms, but he didn’t mind. Her quiet sincerity spoke more than words could sometimes.

“I guess… I did mean it,” she finally admitted, her voice softer, almost like she was admitting something she hadn’t said out loud before.

Hyunjin didn’t say anything for a moment. Instead, he moved closer again, his gaze never leaving hers. There was something in her eyes, something unspoken, but it made his chest tighten all the same. He had always been used to joking around, to teasing her and flirt nonstop, but this felt like a deeper moment. He didn’t want to ruin it, so he let his smile return instead.

“You don’t have to explain it, Y/N,” he said, his tone light again, brushing his thumb across her hand in a slow, deliberate motion. “I’m just glad you said it.”

She looked up at him, offering a small, shy smile in return, and Hyunjin felt his heart beat a little faster. The tension was still there, thick and almost palpable, but there was something else too, something that felt too natural to ignore.

“Well, I guess we should sleep soon, huh?” he said, shifting the conversation to something else, making him ignore the thoughts of kissing her and maybe ruin the moment, though his words had a different tone. “Unless you’ve got other plans?”

She laughed softly, her smile reaching her eyes this time. “I guess we can sleep,” she said, the hint of humor in her voice easing the lingering tension.

She hesitated for just a moment, but then she climbed into bed. As they settled in, Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel the familiar warmth of having her close. The room was quieter now, the tension between them still there, but in a different way. He turned to face her, his voice quieter than before.

“I really missed having you here.”

She met his gaze, her eyes soft. “I missed you too,” she replied, and the weight of those words made something stir in his chest.

The silence between them grew comfortable again, and Hyunjin couldn’t shake the feeling that something was shifting between them, but for now, as the night stretched on, he let himself enjoy the closeness, knowing that whatever came next, they’d face it together.

#stray kids #skz #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #hyunjin stray kids #skz hyunjin #hyunjin imagine #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin x y/n #bbihsp

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heartorbit · 6 months ago

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find another role, carry on the show

#EDIT IT DIDNT SAVE MY TAGS. hey so this post got a thousand notes huh. interesting. surely nothing will change #i'll leave all the old tags. for my thought process. and its kinda funny #take a bow stupid idiot (throws a tomato at them)#in stars and time #isat #siffrin #siffrin no middle names no last name ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧#... or is it. Smiles #i'd like to draw mira for her birthday but um (hasnt open artfight website in a few days) im scared.#also i have NICE ASKS TO ANSWER.... But im scared. give me a minute #Uawaaaaagh i drew this bc i was trying to animate a little bit but it just . Didnt look good. im not good ag 2d animation #tch. ill keep trying cause there ar e way too many songs that and now about isat because i have brain worms. i need amvs.#IM SCARED TO POST THINGS THAT ARE SPOILERY BECAUSE I WANT MY FRIENDS TO PLAY ISAT. BUT.#isat spoilers #in stars and time spoilers #sasasap #sasasa:p #WHAT IS THE PROLOGUES TAG.#tshirt that says 'i <3 killing the image in the mirror and taking its place' on the fromt #and a list of megan thee stallions tour dates on the back. お金稼ぐ俺らはスター #Im kind of tempted to edit this to be the versiom with the eyes. or maybe twt can have that. or. well #all of my friends are on twt (trombone slide sfx) so maybe thats where i should worry about spoilers.#ill see if i want to slap an eyepatch on them in the morning #Im one of those people who was like idgaf about twohats (lets it simmer for a week) Oh my god. Oh my god. Ohmy god #EDIT. i swapped it out for the Eyes version it should be fine as long as its tagged formspoilers right...#ill post eyepatch vers on twt partly bc spoilers but also ppl over there can be .. annoying ..... ....#i fear i would get 800 You Forgot The Eyepatch replies. PLEASE JUST SEE MY VISION.#[BANGING MY HANDS ON THE GLASS] HIS HAND. LIKE IN THE PROLOGUE. WHEN THEYE. HANDS. HELD[EXPLOSION

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helios-two · 8 months ago

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cindy + studcoms compilation

#cindy the skull #steban the student communist #disco elysium #their dynamic is so funny to me. like as much as she ribs at them you can tell she still has a soft spot for them #and that they like her as well. or well i would say steban certainly moreso #steban also does mention getting cindy in the room regardless of whether she was mentioned earlier which i thought was nice #side note have you seen the disco elysium tvtropes page #like i found that first screenshot while looking for all the times cindy said communist #bc on her section it says that she supports communism “in spite of herself” so i was looking to see if she ever really mentioned it #in that sort of light but from what i was able to find (and from what you can see in the screenshots) she doesnt #and then it says TWICE on dros' page (among many many other things)#that he supports pederasty bc the commune legalized it #when he was calling gay people pederasts as a slur. & he uses it as a slur multiple more times in that same #conversation outside of that line #and they misspell dobreva's name as deobreva every single time its written (including in the section title)#and they listed her cause of death as being by firing squad #even though her suicide with abadanaiz is like #one of the two or three things we actually know about her #anyway i did actually create a tvtropes account because of this i hope you know that #just realized i forgot to tag ulixes #oh well

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saturncoyote · 16 days ago

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If any of your trolls were allowed to kill one person out of pure rage who would they kill? (Or just be able to knock down a peg)

#saturn speaks #dreamworks trolls #trolls oc #my ocs #saturn art #not sure if you wanted them to answer or me to answer for them but i thought this option was funnier #in all seriousness i don't think any of them would kill anybody no matter how angry #Garde wouldn't admit it because he's too nice but he does have a few people he would like to knock down a peg #mostly trolls who were mean to him and/or Creek #same for Polaroid and Tutti #Hibiscus has the longest list out of them all which includes trolls who's only crimes were being slightly annoying #Creek obviously not included in the answering because he is not one of my trolls no matter how much i wish he was

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cozylittleartblog · 2 months ago

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Hello! 🦠 anon here again... I'm not sure if my ask wast sent so im gonna ask again,

What are your headcanons on swatch? Can you tell more of your concept of them? Like how do you view him? I would really appreciate it even it's like small fun facts! thanks a lot :)

you're fine i didn't have art to post so i didn't log in for a few days. uhhhhhh SwatchThoughts(tm):

they're the head butler ofc, but they're also queen's right-hand-man (gender neutral), her #1 bestie. they know everything about her, even about lancer before the events of ch2. they will literally do anything she asks and anything that will entertain her. it's tiring and they do complain sometimes but they enjoy their work, they know what a kind person she really is and that she's generally a good ruler, so they like to make her happy :)

weirdly competitive. nobody beats them in queen's monthly fruit-smashing competition and if you somehow do, they're a good sport but You Will Not Win Next Month. You Won't.

workaholic. oh god they wear so many hats in the mansion and they're so tired all the time, it's a miracle they get everything done

the color cafe is a regular butler cafe up front and a host club in the back. a handful of the birds, including swatch, can be paid (at quite high rates, swatch especially) to join you for drinks or sweets, flirt with you, cuddle - p much have a sweet and lightly romantic time. you would not believe how much money spamton dumped into the host club back in the day. their undisputed #1 customer even 20 years later

i generally view them as very asexual (demi specifically. + nonbinary) but they still love their host work! it's fun, they like making people happy and playing at being a romantic. and the sweets. they like the sweets just as much 🍰

damn good chef and an even better baker

very polite but short tempered 😔 they're quick to rough up people who don't follow the rules or who just personally annoy them/cause chaos, and they always win

they are the tallest swatchling, at 9 feet tall. Beast. good for carrying queen on their broad shoulders though!

their feathers, which are all slightly curly, have a slight iridescence to them that tint, along with accents on their outfit, in accordance to their mood or the paint they've been drinking . the default is pink

dressed to the nines 24/7. even on their time off.

they adore their birds. they spawned each and every single one of them (the ones in their own flock that work for queen, anyway), they know all their names even when everyone's the same color and they remember what's going on in their lives. which is impressive when there's at least a couple hundred of them ;;;

their favorite flavor of paint is dusty lilac

their favorite normal flavor is strawberry

as an art program they not only create things for lightners but also for queen ! they design a lot of things for her with her input, and with as quickly as they can draw things directly into the dark world they're always working on things for her, while dressing up their cafe for themed events in-between.

the underside of their tail is a swatchbook

they love being pet please pet them please please please p

#deltarune #swatch #ask #anonymous #anon #swatchlings #headcanons #its fun to make headcanon lists. its also an excuse to link a bunch of old art dhjdsbfhj #i've drawn like half of this already but it's nice to have it all together like this #tldr they're a big sweetie but with a short temper and a bad sweet tooth. and they're drawing near-constantly #i'm sure there's a bunch of really obscure little headcanons i could throw in here but if i list every single one of them i can hunt down #this post will be 2 miles long #shit like 'they love really frilly dresses' and 'they have exactly one (1)stuffed animal their birds gave them they pretend they dont Adore #(its a floppy little bottom-heavy plush crow with button eyes. one of the swatchlings made it for the host club's sleepover event.)#(cinnamon thought the customers would like it better seeing all these huge birdfolk with cute little stuffed animal buds. and she was Right #(and swatch just. never got rid of it. they love their little floppy guy look at that their bird made that for them they gave it a bowtie)#it sits on the headboard of their bed so it doesn't get lost among the blankets they nest in. -- swatchlings sleep in nests also #huge nests made of blankets and pillows. let them loose in a Homegoods and just see what fucking happens #see what i mean i can just keep fucking going forever. this is the shit i think about when im like. doing dishes #this is what i mean when i say i'm rotating my blorbos in my head #thinkin bout random ass headcanons that dont have anything to do with the source material. they're just fun. for funsies :)

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toytle · 4 months ago

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I don't really watch the dc live action films but apparently they're gonna have Green Lantern again and Kyle Chandler was cast as Hal, was wondering what you thought about that??

i’m not personally familiar w his works and i can’t have a full opinion until i see his hal acting, but for first impressions alone… i get the vision. he’s not my first choice, but apparently he wasn’t their first choice either, and considering the other controversial names that were floating around (*cough* ryanreynolds *cough* joshbrolin), i can only sigh in relief that the role went to literally anyone else

visually, i would have to get used to the idea of him as hal, not bc they’re portraying him as an older man this time (which should not be so contentious?? hal is old), but mostly bc he’s a real person and hal looks in my head like how i draw him ☺️ also kyle chandler has incredibly distinct eyes that i don’t associate w hal, but i’m excited to have my mind changed abt it if only for a single show

but like i said, i see the vision. i tried to watch some of his works to get a sense of his acting, and idk how they’re going to write hal in this, but kyle def has the range to play charismatic characters as well as comedic ones, so i’m rly curious for how this will play out. if i had to nitpick, i think his voice is jarring for hal, but that’s bc hal’s voice is one of his most distinct and defining traits to me. i literally had a dream once that they made a new GL movie and the whole time i was trying to judge whether or not the the actor’s voice sounded enough like hal, so obviously i have my priorities straight lol

all in all, i like this casting so far! less psyched abt guy’s (he was my perfect hal voice T__T), but i’m excited to see how aaron pierre plays john! apparently it was between him and stephan james, but aaron had better chemistry w kyle, so maybe that means more john and hal interactions! also he was on the beach that makes you old, which has nothing to do w anything, but i just found out and it made me laugh so i’m sharing this information w you too

#i don’t do fancasts so i don’t actually have a ‘first choice’#i’m one of those basic bitches that understands why ppl compare hal to tomcruise all the time but i would never hire him for anything 😔#danswers #green lantern #hal jordan #john stewert #dc #also i’m not gonna be too precious abt it bc comics are comics and live action is live action. dif standards #cautiously excited abt it tho. i’ve been keeping the whole thing in my peripherals #i doubt i’ll watch it when it comes out (my dc shows/movies list is too long and i’m on anime shit rn)#but depending on how it’s received i might come back for it #thanks for your curiosity! it’s nice putting all these thoughts somewhere #a first impression to compare to later

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batsplat · 7 months ago

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new casey podcast have you seen it

https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=ye8wNfrvaPDjtpDV&v=IuwZN6aP8sg&feature=youtu.be

(link to the podcast) yeah I did, cheers!

there's not that much 'new information' per se within this podcast, though there's a bunch of nice tidbits about teenage casey. what stood out to me is how the framing of his journey to becoming a racer is... well, it's kinda new? it's not exactly surprising, because you could get a lot of this stuff from reading between the lines in his autobiography. the question of 'is this your dream or your parents' dream' is a very common one with athletes, and it's often a thin line... but, y'know, this podcast interview in particular is quite a noticeable shift in how casey himself talks about this issue. it's a shift in how he portrays his 'dream' of becoming a professional rider back when he was formulating his autobiography, versus how he's answering questions in this episode. his autobiography isn't free from criticism of his parents - but casey is always stressing his own desire to race. so you do get stuff like this (from the autobiography):

At this point things were getting serious. Dad used to say, 'If you want to become World Champion you can't be that much better than local competition,' holding his finger and thumb an inch apart. 'You have to be this much better,' he'd say, holding his arms wide open. Dad confirms this feeling still today: 'I know it's a harsh way to look at things but that's the difference between a champion and the rest. Just look at the careers of Dani Pedrosa and Jorge Lorenzo. Dani had Alberto Puig and Jorge had his old man, both of them hard as nails. If you want to make it to the top I think it takes somebody with an unforgiving view on life to help get you there. So I said those things to Casey, particularly when we went to the UK, because to keep moving up a level he couldn't just be happy with winning a race. If he wasn't winning by a margin that represented his maximum performance then he wasn't showing people how much better he was than the rest.' There's no denying that Dani, Jorge and I became successful with that kind of upbringing and sometimes you probably do need it. As far as I'm concerned Alberto was nowhere near as tough on Dani as my dad was on me or Jorge's dad was on him. That kind of intensity and expectation puts a lot of extra pressure on a father-son relationship that isn't always healthy. We definitely had our moments and there were a few major blow-ups to come. But at the time, rightly or wrongly, it was proving to be a good system for us and I was eager to continue impressing my dad and others with my performances on the track.

(quick reminder, jorge's review of his father's style of parenting was describing him as "a kind of hitler")

but in general the emphasis is very much on how much casey enjoyed racing, on how single-minded casey was when it came to racing. he might have been isolated by his racing (again this is from the autobiography, in the context of discussing being bullied by kids in school until he got 'protection' from his dirt track friends):

School life was a whole lot better after that but I still hated it. All my real friends were from dirt-track; they were the only people I had anything in common with.

and he's talked about how other parents misinterpreted his shyness as him not actually wanting to race, which meant they were judging casey's parents as a result (autobiography):

Mum tells me that the other parents thought she and Dad were awful because I cried as I lined up on the start line. She remembers: 'I was putting his gloves on his hands and pushing his helmet over his head. The thing was, I knew Casey wasn't crying because he didn't want to ride or because he was scared. He just didn't like the attention of being stared at by all these people!'

but like. overall racing for him was still something he portrayed as a very positive aspect of his childhood. something he always clung onto, something that was his choice to pursue

so... let's play compare and contrast with some specific passages of the autobiography and this podcast, you decide for yourself. take this from his autobiography:

After I started winning more times than not, and it was obvious my passion for bikes wasn't wavering, Mum and Dad decided that seeking out sponsors could be a great idea to help offset some of the costs of travelling to meets and keeping the bikes in good order.

and here, in a longer excerpt about what a sickly child casey was, what his mother said (autobiography):

'They tested him for cystic fibrosis and he was on all kinds of medication; you name it, he was on it. But Casey still raced, we couldn't stop him.' I know I was sick but Mum was right, I wasn't going to let that stop me.

versus this from the podcast, when he's responding to a completely open question about how he got into riding:

To be honest, I don't know if I was allowed to have any other attraction to be honest. I think it was, you know, you're going to be a bike rider from when I was a very very young age - and I'm not the only one to think that. I think my parents have stated that enough times to certain people and you know I was sort of pushed in that direction. My elder sister who's six and a half years older than me, she actually raced a little bit of dirt bikes and dirt track before I was born and when I was very young, so it was sort of a natural progression to go and do a little bit more of that and I think because at the time road racing was a lot more similar to dirt track. That was our sort of way in.

this was one of the very first questions in the interview, it basically just consisted of asking casey how he got into biking in the first place - whether it had come through his family or whatever. casey chose to take the response in that direction... it's not an answer that is just about his own internal passion, how he loved riding the second he touched a bike, how he loved it throughout his childhood etc etc (which is how it's framed in the autobiography) - but instead he says he wasn't allowed to do anything else. he says that he was pushed in that direction, that his parents have openly said as much to others. that he feels vindicated in the belief he was never given another choice

let's play another round. here from the autobiography:

Mum and Dad used to stand at the side for hours on end watching me practise at different tracks. They'd sometimes clock laps with a stopwatch as I went round and round. Other parents couldn't see the point in taking it so seriously but they didn't realise it was what I wanted. I was having fun. Working out how to go faster was how I got my kicks and I couldn't stop until I had taken a tenth or two of a second off my best time on any day. If another kid came out onto the track with me I would be all over them, practising passing them in different ways and in different corners, but most of the time they avoided riding with me and I would be out there on my own, racing the clock.

and this (autobiography):

I enjoyed racing so much that even when I was at home riding on my own I would set up different track configurations to challenge myself. I'd find myself a rock here, a tree there, a gatepost over there and maybe move a branch and that would be my track.

versus here, in the podcast:

Q: And did you realise at the time that you were - not groomed, is not the word but well you were being groomed to be a professional motorcycle racer, or obviously that was your only one reference point, that was the norm. Did that just feel the norm or did you think actually this feels a bit intense or how did you feel about it? A: I think it's hard, it's not until I sort of reached my mid teens where I started to have a bit of a reality check on what I was actually doing. Before then, you know I was competitive. I'm not as competitive as people think, I'm a lot more competitive internally rather than externally versus other people. I always challenge myself to things, so all those younger years was just getting the job done that I was expected to do. I enjoyed winning, I loved it, but you know I enjoyed perfect laps, perfect races, as close as I could get to that and you know from a young age I always sort of challenged myself constantly to be better. So I didn't just win races, I tried to win them - you know, if I won races by five seconds in a [...] race I'd try and win, you know I'd try and get to double that by the end of the day if I could. So you know that always kept me sharp and it stopped me from being sort of, you know, complacent in the position I was at. And it wasn't until sort of you know 16, 17, 18 that reality kicked in. I'd had a couple years road racing in the UK and Spain, been rather successful and then you get to world championships and you know maybe an engineer that was sort of - didn't have your best interests at hear. And, you know, I nearly finished my career right there after my first year of world championships just because of the reality of how hard it was in comparison to everything else I'd experienced up to that point. And, you know, it was a real reality check for me and I think it was then that I started to - you know consider everything around me and consider how and why I got to the position that I was in and that's when the mind started to change a little bit and realise that you know I really was being groomed my whole life just to sort of be here and be put on a track and try and win. And, you know, that was my seemingly most of my existence.

in all the excerpts, he stresses how much he enjoys his perfect laps, how much he enjoys riding, how there is genuine passion there, how dedicated he is to this pursuit... but then in the podcast, he's adding something else - how he'd been groomed his whole life into that role of 'professional bike racer'. that it was only in his late teens (when he was in 125cc/250cc) where he had this moment of 'man I never really had a choice in all this'

and another round. here's him talking in the autobiography about how all the money he got through racing went back into racing - but it was fine because it was the only thing he cared about anyway:

I don't remember seeing any of the money I earned because it all went back into my racing, although I guess at the time that's all I really cared about anyway. I didn't know anything else. Mum and Dad always said to me: 'If you put in the effort, we'll put in the effort.'

and here in the autobiography on how he just wanted to ride all day:

I couldn't ride my bike all day, though, as much as I would have liked to.

and him talking in the autobiography about his parents encouraging him and his sister to 'chase their dreams':

Mum and Dad encouraged both Kelly and me to follow our passions and work hard to chase our dreams. That might sound strange when you are talking about a seven-year-old but I don't think you are never too young to know that if you want something you have to earn it.

versus this in the podcast:

Q: And I've never asked you this before, but did you want to? A: Um... I think I'd been convinced of a dream I suppose. You know, yes I loved riding bikes and you know I really did enjoy racing... but there was lots of other things that I - I really enjoyed as well but just never had the opportunity or never was allowed to do anything else, so... You know, motorbikes for our budget everything fortunately dirt track was probably the cheapest way that you could go motorbike racing. You could survive on very very little in dirt track and show your potential in other ways. You know, yes, having good bikes and good tyres and all that sort of thing made a difference but it wasn't the be all end all, you could always make a difference in other ways, so... I think it was, you know - the best thing we could have done, racing through that. Like I said I enjoyed it, it wasn't until late teens, early 20s where I sort of was like, I don't know if I would have been a bike racer had I actually had a choice.

was riding really all he cared about? or were there other things he was interested in, things he just never had the opportunity to pursue? things he wasn't allowed to pursue? from the autobiography, you get the sense that his parents always deliberately portrayed it as casey's dream, something he was expected to work hard for in order to be allowed to fulfil. in the podcast, casey says it was a dream he was 'convinced' of. without wanting to speak too much on the specifics of this parenting relationship we only have limited knowledge of, this kinda does all sound like athlete parent 101: getting it into their kids' heads that this is the dream of the child, not the parent, before holding it over them when they fail to perform when their parents have invested so so much in their child's success. casey's family was financially completely dependent on his racing results when they moved to the uk - he was fourteen at the time. he was painfully conscious of his parents' 'sacrifice' to make 'his dream' possible. can you imagine what kind of pressure that must be for a teenager?

to be clear, this isn't supposed to be a gotcha, I'm not trying to uncover contradictions between what casey said back then and what he's saying now. obviously, this is all very... thorny, complicated stuff, and casey has had to figure out for himself how he feels about it, how he feels about how his parents approached his upbringing. but it is worth pointing out that this isn't necessarily just a question of his feelings changing over time - if the internal timeline he provides in the podcast is correct, he was really having that realisation in his late teens, early 20s, so on the verge of joining the premier class. that is when he says he had the thought "I don't know if I would have been a bike racer had I actually had a choice"... which is a pretty major admission, you have to say, especially given how rough those premier class years often ended up being on him. but then that realisation would have already come years and years before he wrote his autobiography, it would've been something he carried with him for most of his career. given that, you do look at his autobiography and think that he did make the decision to frame things pretty differently back then, that he decided to exclude certain things from his narrative. if this really is already something that's been festering within him for years, if he does feel like he wants to be a bit more open about all of that now than back then... well, hopefully it shows he's been able to work through all of it a bit more in the intervening years

(this is somehow an even thornier topic than his relationship with parents, but relatedly there is a bit of a discrepancy between how bullish he is in his autobiography about how mentally unaffected he was by his results, versus how he's since opened up since then about his anxiety. again, I want to stress, this is not a gotcha, he's under no obligation to share this stuff with the world - especially given the amount of discourse during his career about his supposed 'mental weakness'. it is still important in understanding him, though, how he consciously decided to tell his own story in the autobiography and how he's somewhat changed his approach in the subsequent years)

this is the rest of his answer to that podcast question I relayed above:

But at the same time you know I felt that no matter what I would have done, I sort of have a - my mentality of self-punishment, you know, of never being good enough that always drove me to try and be better and any single thing that I did, I didn't like it when I wasn't not perfect. I don't believe in the word perfect but I really didn't enjoy when I wasn't, you know, in my own terms considered a good enough level at anything I did so I would always sort of try to get up as high as I could regardless of what for.

at which point hodgson says exactly what I was thinking and goes 'god what a line' about the "mentality of self-punishment" thing. it is one hell of a line!

what's really interesting about this podcast is how these two big themes of 'this wasn't my choice' and 'self-punishment' end up kinda being linked together when casey talks about how the motogp world reacted to him... so again I'm gonna quickly toss in a bit from the autobiography (where he's talking about casual motorcycling events he went to as a kid), because it does read similarly in how for him the joy and competitive aspects of riding are closely linked:

It was a competition but it wasn't highly competitive; it was just for fun, really. Of course, I didn't see it that way, though, and I had dirt and stones flying everywhere. I don't think anyone expected the park to be shredded like it was. When I was on my bike, if I wasn't competing to my maximum level then I wasn't having as much fun.

and back to the podcast:

And also because people truly didn't understand me, that I'm not there just to enjoy the racing. As we're explaining, before that, you know it was sort of a road paved for me... And so the results were all important, not the enjoyment of it. And then you cop the flak for everything you do. I'm also very self-punishing, so it was kind of a - just a lose lose lose and it was all very very heavy on myself, so... It, you know, it took me till my later years to realise I could take the pressure off myself a little bit and go look you've done all the work you've done everything you can, you got to be proud of what you've done, so... Not necessarily go out there and enjoy it, because I don't believe you should just be going out in a sport where you're paid as much as we are expect to get results and just - you know - oh I'm just going to go and have fun it's like... yeah, nah, if you're just going to go and have fun then you're not putting in the work. And that's when we see inconsistencies etc. So I was very very harsh on myself and so even when I won races, if I made mistakes or I wasn't happy with the way I rode, well then yeah I'm happy I won but there's work to do. There was more to get out of myself and so that's where I copped a lot of bad... um, let's say bad press because of those kind of things and then they sort of attack you even more because they didn't like the fact that you didn't celebrate these wins like they wanted you to they expect you to I suppose treat every victory like almost a championship and you know it's not that I expected these wins but I expected more of myself and therefore maybe I didn't celebrate them as much as you know other people do.

kind of brings together a lot of different things, doesn't it? this whole profession was a path that was chosen for him... which he links here to how the results were 'all important' for him, how it just couldn't ever be about enjoyment. he always punished himself for his mistakes, he was under constant pressure, which also affected how he communicated with the outside world... he was so committed to self-flagellation that he made it tough for himself to actually celebrate his victories, which in turn wasn't appreciated by the fans or the press. so on the one hand, casey's obviously still not particularly thrilled about how much of a hard time he was given over his particular approach to being a rider. but on the other hand, he's also describing how all of this can be traced back to how becoming a rider was never actually his 'choice'. he's detailed his perfectionism before, including in his autobiography, including in discussing his anxiety disorder more recently - but this is explicitly establishing that link between the pressure he'd felt during his childhood to how he'd been pushed into this direction to how he then had to perform. he couldn't afford to be anything less than perfect, so he wasn't, and at times he made his own life even tougher as a result of his own exacting standards. this just wasn't stuff he's said in such straightforward, explicit terms before... and now he is

my general thing with casey is that his reputation as a straight shooter or whatever means people aren't really paying enough attention to how he's telling his own story. like, I kinda feel the perception is 'oh he used to be more closed off because the media ragged on him but since retirement he's been able to tell it like it really is' or whatever. and I'm not saying that's necessarily wrong, but it's not quite as simple as that. because he's not a natural at dealing with the media, he's put a fair bit of thought into how to communicate better with them (which he does also say in the podcast), and he's explicitly acknowledged this is something he looked to valentino for in order to learn how to better handle. because casey has felt misunderstood for quite a long time, he's quite invested in selling his story in certain ways - and it's interesting how what he's chosen to reveal or emphasise or conceal or downplay has changed over time. which means there will be plenty of slight discrepancies that pop up over time that will be as revealing as anything he explicitly says... and it tells you something, what his own idea of what 'his story' is at any given time. this podcast isn't just interesting as a sort of, y'know, one to one, 'this is casey telling the truth' or whatever - it's reflecting where his mind is at currently, what he wants to share and in what way, and how that compares to his past outlook. the framing of his childhood was really something that popped out about this particular interview... it's not like it's exactly surprising that this is how he feels, but more that he decided to say all of this so openly. some pretty heavy stuff in there! hope the years really have helped him... man, I don't know. figure it all out, for himself. something like that

#hodgson is a far better interview than that bloody australian who keeps getting retired riders on his show #on a one man crusade against that youtube channel after the sete episode. listened to it at 1.5 speed but it was still horrendous #idk whether they screened potential q's but if not then hodgson followed up well on that initial casey response about not having a choice #icl I thought this would be a ducati puff piece but they do discuss self loathing for like half an hour #I do treat all athletes' parents with a base level of suspicion. guilty until proven innocent. don't trust any of them #ducati uk posted it on twitter right before I went grocery shopping so I was like 'oh well I'll put it on! that'll be nice!'#and it ended up kinda depressing me icl. super talented at the bike anything thing I get it but low key he should've done something else #I don't follow ducati uk on twitter... I did add them to my motogp list when I saw the podcast announcement. just to be clear #//#casey stoner #brr brr #batsplat responds #still don't entirely get what the concept for the podcast is. does he just chat to people related to ducati. I mean I liked it but #fifty minutes in they go 'yeah remember when you won a title with ducati. that was nice wasn't it'#going on the ducati podast complaining about how new tech has made racing worse like 'we're all trying to find the guy who did this'#heretic tag

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