#but I recognise Zeus the Heavens as God to the Angels as in its a living plane sustaining and birthing the starbeings

[blackvahana]

Ohhhh right. I wanted to comment something that was effectively... "you don't fuck with capital G God, I'm not saying 'Yahweh' I hate that name, I'm not saying 'the Christian god', I'm not talking about anything that's remotely recognisable as a thing let alone something with a mind, I mean BRAHMAN in a way I can only communicate by capitalising those letters. You don't fuck with The Source And Everything Created All Existence Unified And Shattered And Separate without... heavy consequences. This life I've been adamant that connecting with God brings death because God is both Self and Other and the meeting of those two is what kills beings, and yeah, no, I'm pretty sure that's backed up by things before this life. I can say though that the whole 'we walked back out to experience God' thing had drastically different effects on Grey and Black, Grey taking the experience as true apotheosis and Black saying actually I'm gonna exist as a person - both of them went different directions to extremely oversimplify it including oversimplifying by implying they changes course or went anywhere because it was just waking up, but Grey said 'I have seen and now I understand (therefore I am God)' and Black went 'I have seen and now I understand (therefore I am Person)'. Again, very simplified, this is. this is like trying to explain a complicated novel by listing the alphabet one by one, it's technically truly a recounting of what happened but really removed from context... But I think it affected the way they went separate-ish directions. Always complicated because they also went the same directions Too, but..."

Basically. Sitting here thinking that the viewing God thing is part of why Black is so Dreaming, so intent on being small and singular and living really subjective small lives and trying to be a singular instance.......................... And uh. Oh. Right. Whether that's true or not, this is definitely on the right symbolic track. Black kept symbolising his dreaming as "Last place I was was the surface of the water just beneath God". Right.

[timextoxhajima]

HOSTIS, Chapter XVIII: Renuntiatio, Resignation

Previous Chapter (XVII.5: Inevitabilis)

Member: Lee Hyunjae (tbz)

Genre (by chapter): drama, angst, finally some fucking good smut where they aren’t trying to kill each other good GOD these two piss me off so much

Category: Short Novel/Long Series

“tell me you love me, because i know i do, and there’s nothing i can do about it.”

the door swings open like the gates of hell -- maybe heaven -- and for once in your life, you’ve never felt more comforted being greeted by lucifer’s eyes. 

his lids were hooded, and there was a splatter of liquid on his shirt. the odor of alcohol wafts out between his lips and slaps you across the face in the form of a gush of wind.

“why the fuck are you--”

the pure force of your heart shoves you forward; the nerves in your body wrapped your arms around his shoulders and your feet should’ve cramped with the amount of effort you were using to tip-toe.

the sting of whiskey dilutes onto your tongue, the bitter taste of him and the alcohol mixing like drugs on your taste buds. your weight shoves him backwards into the house, and his arms were awkwardly held out by his sides for a few seconds.

but his warmth encapsulates you like a blanket around your waist, and some saltiness shoves its way between your lips where you were joined. 

you weren’t sure whose it was, but you were tasting tears of joy, tears of love, tears of resignation.

resignation.

were they yours?

you pull away and you see the tears streaming down his face despite that cold facade you’ve made friends with in the last three days. the words and thoughts form on your tongue before you could process them, and they startle you so much that it drills tremors down your spine.

“tell me you love me, because i know i do, and there’s nothing i can do about it.”

desperation fills your heart when you search his eyes, hoping that he would understand, hoping that he wouldn’t break out into maniacal laughter, hoping that all the heartache he’s caused you the last three days was as painful as it was for him.

his heart was racing in his chest, the gentle thumping seeping through the pores of your palm and into your blood. his face shows a lack of acknowledgement, and you wait for him to crush the rest of your spirit in his hands.

for a moment, you were scared. 

did he win this war?

but his palms cup your cheeks all too suddenly. 

he shoves his lips between yours so harshly, so tightly, so desperately.

his teeth knocks against yours and one arm wraps itself around your waist like he was holding you from falling off a cliff. a free arm finds the front door and he pushes you back against it as he swings it close.

the sharp snap of thunder rings outside the house, yet it does nothing to you, not while you were in his hold.

the cotton under your hands were strangely alien, because all you wanted to do was to touch him. the material gets crumpled in your grasp, as if he wasn’t already compressing your entire body between the hardness of the wooden door and his warmth.

if your heart was a glass vase with cracks, then this was filling up those gaps with gold. 

“kintsugi” they called it. the japanese art of using gold to fix cracks and imperfections in pottery.

when exactly did your heart become so organic? what was it that incited this change? where was it that fate decided you needed ares, not aphrodite? how did your spirit of ares turn into something so fragile? 

answers were lost in the intimacy that rushed through your arteries, and hyunjae sighs into your mouth, allowing you to taste more of the whiskey he was drinking, supposedly because of you.

the kisses felt like feathers, but having the burn of the whiskey on your tongue tears your insides apart like ripping wings off an angel.

it really does feel like something was speared through your lungs, but his lips on yours felt like heaven-born puzzle pieces.

it felt like two white doves soaring in the sky. it felt like cherry blossoms blooming in spring. 

it felt like you were finally finding comfort in a thunderstorm. 

was he really drinking because of you? or was he--

“i love you.”

lightning brightens the entire house for a split moment, and the following clap of the thunder shakes both you and your already quivering eyes.

“...what?”

the shine in his eyes crushes your already broken soul, and you couldn’t decide if you were more afraid of what he was going to say next, or how you were going to react.

a muscle in his nose twitches, and your trembling hand finds his face where the streaks of tears were still gleaming under the light of his house. eyelashes fluttering shut as he grips your hand on his cheek, nestling his nose and lips into your palm and sucking in a deep breath; it breaks your heart to see him like this.

he must be breaking on the inside, maybe even more than you.

his skin melts into yours and the muscles in the back of your jaw tightens when his slightly swollen eyes look into yours, something in his spirit so broken, and it was all because of you. 

“i don’t care if you’ve done anything unforgivable in your past life for fate to put us in the same place after a decade... all i know is that you asked me to tell you that i love you, and i do.”

those words. 

he remembers every single word.

every word uttered because you wanted to hurt him, because you hated him, because there was nothing in the world that would allow you to tolerate being within in his reach.

yet you were standing here, fingers caressing his tear-streaked face, feeling ache and heartbreak rip through you because he was hurting.

“and now that i’ve said it...” another flash of from mother nature lights up the space while hyunjae presses kisses onto your palm, trailing down your wrist and forearms. “hopefully i heard you right too.”

the sneaky, mischievous smirk somehow finds its way onto his lips and it was a baffling sight to see hyunjae collect himself so quickly.

one moment he was crumbling within your hold, because you said you loved him, drinking because he was ripped at the edges at the thought of you being with eric.

but now, this was the man you recognised.

had you filled in the cracks in his heart with gold? do you now finally see how beautiful he was? or have you been blinded by love, fuelled by hatred... for someone you never thought you’d love?

you were the one who put the cracks and chipped off bits and pieces of him, but you were also the gold that held him together.

zeus would strike you with one of his lightning bolts if you even considered denying that it was the same for you.

the distance hyunjae drew between the two of you in the last week was subconsciously tightening a noose around your neck. without him around to rile you up, to continuously pick and tease at your little wrongdoings, to catch you off guard with kisses felt like death on its own.

but you preferred death if it meant he still planted poisonous, threatening kisses on your lips. you preferred death if he held you close because he knew it made your body yearn for him, even if your consciousness refused to admit it.

you preferred death over losing ares.

you are half of a whole, and you are not whole without him. 

“nothing kills me more than to say his name, but...” there was a pinch of reluctance in his voice, not because he was upset, but because he was competitive. the ares inside you lights up when he leaves your arms on his shoulders and he nose dips into your neck. “i knew eric wasn’t the one for you, he’s too soft for your liking...”

“kitten.”

the laughter that exits your throat felt like a stranger, felt like drinking alcohol for the first time, felt like bliss from drinking poison, if he even was poison. 

“lee hyunjae...” his scent starts to intoxicate your senses, and the soft, feathery kisses on your neck turns you into some sort of a marshmellow, waiting to melt in his warm hold. “when will you ever leave me alone?”

silence befalls the two of you, the minimum space between the two of your faces only offering heavy breaths and lustful eyes amidst love and completion. hyunjae removes his face from your neck and he angles his head into yours, lips already brushing against yours.

“never.”

the cotton of his collar gets gripped so tightly in your hold that it crumples into almost nothing against your touch. 

have you ever felt so right just kissing someone? just having him in your hold? tasting him from your tongue and feeling him in every nerve under the skin that was pressed against his?

hyunjae was smiling into the kiss and it makes you want to tear up as well, but he doesn’t really give you to the time to process his happiness, for he picks you up and wraps your legs around his waist. 

the soft strands on his head get tangled around your fingers, and your eyes were shut so blissfully just from having the feeling of his lips on yours. the lingering venom of the whiskey was no more, because it was replaced with the sweetness that was coming off your tongue and onto his. maybe it was the other way around, but it didn’t matter.

how do you describe the feeling of melting into someone’s existence? 

was it one sided? or was his soul dissolving into yours through the hold he’s got on your rear, where the back of your upper arms were resting on his shoulders, where your lips were connected like they were glued together and could never be torn apart?

the soft cushion of the mattress greets your back and the overwhelming scent of him intoxicates you further. you felt so high and drunk off just kissing him, all you wanted him to do was to roam his hands all over you like he did before.

he had already claimed you, you were just too afraid to see it.

his jaw lines so perfectly along the curves on your fingers when he returns from shutting the door. thunder claps right outside the window, and the flash of lightning seemed to add oil to the fire, his fire, and yours. 

the warmth on his neck pools into your finger pads when he tenderly slots his lips between yours again. 

“finally.”

breathy air hits the skin below your ear, and a soft sigh escapes your lips. 

“you’re finally mine, kitten.”

if there was some kind of world record award you could award hyunjae, it would’ve been his ability to hit you in places with words, but send you into a complete frenzy with his touch. 

“all mine.”

you would’ve hated it had he said it anytime before this, but now, all it did was make you whimper and squirm under his weight. 

the flesh on your neck gets sucked between his teeth, and a harsh gasp pulls a smile across your face.

the blood rushes to the surface of your skin where you know he was just busy remaking all his marks on you where he wanted them to be; probably where you wanted them to be too. 

the warmth emitting from his palms run up the length of your torso like it had been years since he’s touched you, when in reality it’s been only one week.

but you knew how long it felt, because it did feel like he hasn’t touched you in a year. 

the white, plastic buttons on his shirt start to get undone despite your eyes being sealed shut, and he lets you run your hands down his chest. 

the smooth complexion hammers chills throughout your body; a physical reminder that you missed him even if you couldn’t admit it.

the sound of the rain starts to roar outside, the howl of the wind seeping through the gaps of the window by his bedside. 

it was like the heavens were throwing one hell of a party to celebrate the unity of two areses; two areses who have spent most of their lives fighting one another.

his shirt comes off, leaving you to gape and gawk at the veins travelling from his chest into his arms because he had been holding his weight over you. 

impatience immediately replaces your blood when you sit up in an instant, fingers hooking onto his belt hoops as you pull yourself to your knees.

your arms find his bare shoulders and your thighs press against his, despite your knees digging into the cushion of the mattress. he smiles again, and it only evokes an overwhelming sensation of wholeness; completion. 

your waist gets hugged in his embrace and your chest was pressed flat against his, the kiss feeling like it should last for a long time, if not, forever.

the zipper on the back of your top gets tugged on, and he breaks away to gently remove it over your head. the kiss continues like it wasn’t interrupted, and his thumb starts to draw hot circles on your lower spine.

your arms were folded across each other behind his neck, keeping him tightly locked against your lips like you were afraid he was going to run away.

the button around your waist loosens, and the zipper coming undone allows him to slide his palms down your back and under your pants.

the sudden grip on your ass forces you to bite on his lip instinctively, but you hear a low chuckle rumbling in the back of his throat. 

but his hands find your waist again, forgetting about being rough with you, forgetting about possibly hurting you. the marks on your neck didn’t hurt; he knew you were enjoying having your nerves being sucked between his teeth where he left territorial marks.

your fingers find his belt, but your tongue was tasting every inch of his with your eyes shut. 

if ares is fire, then what happens when you put two areses together?

you yank on the belt when it refuses to loosen, and it urges hyunjae to finally pull away from the kiss, leaving you in little huffs despite wanting more.

“oh, no, kitten,” he looks at you with such loving eyes, you wanted to puke. “why are we impatient today?” 

he presses a hard kiss onto you, pushing you backwards into his arms as he slowly lays you down.

“aren’t you?”

he kisses you again, the corners of his lips curling up into a smile and it bares his teeth. 

“i am, kitten,” another kiss. “but this needs to be different, now that you’re mine.”

your eros starts to surface after a very long time, but hyunjae begins to leave light kisses on your shoulder and down between your breasts while he interlocks his fingers with yours.

he doesn’t pin them down, only holding them tightly in his grasp against the mattress, and the meticulous care he was investing into making sure he wasn’t hurting you was astonishing by his standards.

the flesh on your breasts aren’t spared from his slightly animalistic need to warn others that you are no longer available.

the mewls that were spewing out from between your lips must sound like music to him.

he kisses his way down your stomach and to the rim of your undone pants, lifting your hip off the mattress so he could help you out of it. 

butterflies show up in your stomach when he looks at you through his lashes, and you only now notice how needy you were despite him barely making any harsh moves on you. 

this pales in comparison to any other time he’s made your body cry for him, but this time, you were willing. you were more than happy to oblige.

you wanted him because you need him. 

he leaves you in your bra and underwear while he tosses your pants aside, and he pulls off the belt so he could undo his own pants.

you’ve seen it so many times, but every time you see it, it’s like your first time.

there was no point denying it anymore; lucifer was gorgeous, and he was now yours.

the bulge on his crotch looked so painfully inviting, you were embarrassed for a moment. you were already about to roll to your side so you could slam your lips onto his again, but he quickly leans forward after shaking his pants off his ankles.

he does the deed for you, the silence in the kiss making the rain outside louder and more aggressive than he’s ever been. 

the tips of your noses were rubbing against each other as he slowly inches away, eyes frantically darting from left to right across your face as his thumb comes up to caress your cheek.

he looks at you like he was seeing you for the first time in his life, and for a moment, you see the whites in his eyes flicker.

“god, you’re so beautiful.”

oh, my god.

he’s lost his fucking mind.

but so have i.

it breaks your heart to hear those words coming from him, but it also mends it in ways you could no longer understand. 

it doesn’t help you forget about younghoon and what you had with him. it doesn’t help you pretend you didn’t share a flirtatious kiss with eric at a party a few weeks ago.

but it helps you piece the puzzle together, and that he was the puzzle piece you were meant to fit in with. 

“hyunjae,” his face softens even more when he hears his name sing itself like a heavenly tune. 

“i love you.”

the almost unnoticeable strain in his forehead makes you think for a moment that he was hurt, or that your words had shoved a knife into his lungs, but the windows to his soul betray him before he can get his response out.

it feels like an eternity, but he says it for the second time tonight with so much ease, you wonder if this was zeus’ plan all along.

“i love you too.”

this time, your tears run. 

run into puddles on his mattress by your ears and into your hair like the rain droplets collecting along the pavement outside.

mother’s nature round of applause synchronises itself with him shoving his lips between yours all over again, and this time, you could taste the addictive sweetness of lee hyunjae.

your lucifer. your ares. 

when he pulls away, it was excruciatingly painful. it made you feel empty. it made you feel afraid that he was leaving. 

but he only pushes himself downwards and drizzles kisses on your hips and inner thighs when he lifts them up on either sides of his head.

your underwear slides off and he doesn’t hesitate to dip his tongue into your deprived wetness.

the name of the devil who was giving you heaven rolls off your tongue, back arching off the bed and fingers getting tangled in his hair.

it was slow, sensual, careful; he already knew all there was to your body. this was no challenge to him, but it comforts you to know that the most challenging part of all this was finally over.

a finger replaces his tongue after he laps up most of you, but he slides in so easily, all you wished that he pushed in was not his finger.

“hyunjae--” the gulp of air hitches in your throat when his fingers hits a sensitive, strangely easy-to-find spot in you, his tongue pressed flat against your nub. 

“i know, kitten. be a good girl and come for me.”

kitten.

a few more harsh pumps and flicks against your sensitive nub and the thunder masks your hisses and loud groans. every drop of your lust is finished off by him like a vampire drinking blood, and he kisses you immediately after, forcing you to taste yourself on his tongue.

but after he finishes letting you drink yourself, you shove him back upwards and you crawl to where his boxers were tented.

he looks at you with a look of surprise, then it turns into shock and hesitation.

“wait--”

not an option.

his swollen shaft springs out from his boxers when you shove it downwards.

the growl that escapes his throat makes you even wetter, but the way he twitches inside your mouth encourages you. your tongue presses flat against the tip and it earns a sharp hiss from him.

it was his turn for his hands to get tangled in your hair. he was muttering curse words to himself like he was scared you were going to snitch on him, yet the subtle pushing on the back of your head tells you he was enjoying it.

ares and his ego.

“oh... fuck, kitten,” his voice has dropped at least an octave, and the huskiness of it was only making you pool again despite having come once already. 

but hyunjae does not want to finish in your mouth or anywhere else.

“kitten, tell me you’re on pills or something.”

the groans come out so painfully blissful from his lungs, it paints a smile across your face when you pull away with a loud pop. 

“why would i have taken the risk and gotten pregnant with the child of the man i hate?”

mischief flits across his eyes when he smirks.

“‘the man i hate’?” a brow raised, he pushes you back into the bed. “i think you mean ‘hated’.”

you pause, but the truth speaks itself.

“shut up and show me you love me.”

he smiles into your neck and you feel him prodding at your entrance, legs on either sides of his hips and his breath heavy on your lips. 

“that’s my girl.”

the lewd groan comes out so satisfyingly loud and full disappears into his mouth when he simultaneously pushes into you and cushions his lips against yours. 

the air runs between your faces carry the scent of sex and his scent when he pulls away, turning his attention to your neck while he starts rolling his hips against yours.

“i want to hear my name kitten.”

the immeasurable, immense feeling of pleasure washes through you like a tsunami after an earthquake. 

he was alternating between the sweet spot on your neck and your lips, only pulling away every now and then so you could cry out his name in absolute bliss. 

“what a good kitten,” your jaw receives the treatment, and you now realise your nails were leaving bright red marks in his back.

revenge.

his pace picks up and so does his breathing.

this was all too familiar but the biggest difference was that you loved it, and you could not longer deny it.

the change in pitch slaps you back to reality the same time he starts hitting that magic spot inside you. 

“hyunjae-- fuck-- i’m--”

“that’s it, kitten. be a good girl and say my name.”

the command sinks itself like a cure to the tumor in your heart, and you feel it blossom like flowers in spring; the first snowflake that falls in winter on your nose.

the thrusts were harsh, sharp, powerful, and the sound that emits from the both of you simultaneously was close to inhumane. 

tears were collecting in the corners of your eyes as his name continues to billow out the corner of your lips like a broken record. his forehead was pressed into your shoulder and his entire torso shudders violently above you when you feel him release inside you.

the low, heavy pants were drowned out by the heavy rain outside. 

the loud and violent mishaps mother nature was bestowing upon the night felt like a celebration from hell for the two of you. 

hyunjae pulls himself out and huffs, repositioning himself so he was resting his forehead onto yours.

“are you alright?”

the question spreads your cheeks apart with a smile, and you grab his chin to pull him into a kiss.

“i’m more than alright.”

later in the evening, when the two of you are spent from your love-making and coiled so tightly that your breaths have become one, you take a moment to absorb the fact that you were laying in his arms, hugging tightly under the blanket after he bothered to clean you up and gave you clean underwear and a large shirt to throw over.

he has won this competition between the two of you. he shoved his way into your life like it didn’t belong to you, and for possibly the only time in your life, you were grateful to let him win. 

not when he was in so much pain because of you. 

not when you were in pain because he ignored you first. 

“but i’m still getting that promotion first, jackass.”

the whisper from your heart tickles a funny bone in you as you tilt your head to peck his nose.

this is what love is, to break and to be broken, to be full and to be empty, to win and to lose. 

you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

you may have been your ares, but he is your entire underworld. so if you were happy with being with the god of war, then you’ll gladly stay one along with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 19: Rosa

A/N: it took me SO LONG to churn this out. i hope you guys loved 17.5 written by @vxstarlightxv​ and hopefully this chapter didn’t just kill 17 and 17.5 off. 

but as i release this last smut, it means we are coming to an end. HOSTIS’ final chapter will be 20/XX and HOPEFULLY it’ll be done by end of august. it has been a brilliant ride with all of you, and i’ll see you again when HOSTIS is finished. <3

- love, dana