#but I literally cannot handle it tonight I’m already trying to keep fucking everybody’s head above water I can’t do it

[bibuckbuckgoose]

Someone I haven’t spoken to in over a year texted me happy birthday- I said thanks- then they proceeded to trauma dump on me all about their divorce and like I’m going through my own shit and we literally do not talk anymore fucking leave me alone

[thechangeling]

Lost and Found:

Happy birthday Alex! @catadorass I hope this is everything you wanted, or at least sort of what you wanted lol. I wrote this from Ty's pov because it's really importance to showcase his side of the story. 

Nothing about us without us Cassie. 

"Hey can we talk" Ty heard Kit ask from behind him. 

It was late. Very late, most likely past 12 by this point and they had all just finished doing another late night round of frustrating and pointless research. They being, Ty, Kit, Dru, Jaime, Janessa a wayward Vampire who traveled all over with her band, but was originally from LA, Thais a Brazilian Shadowhunter who was dating Janessa, and Ash, the son of Sebastian Morgenstern and The Seelie Queen who had betrayed Janus, who had tasked Ash with infiltrating the Los Angeles institute and killing Kit. However, Ash and Kit had ended up bonding immensely. This had caused Ash to essentially switch sides and work towards protecting Kit from Janus trying to kill him. There was also The Seelie Queen trying to abduct him in order to obtain control of his powers, and generally anyone else who wanted to get their hands on the first heir.

At first Ty was a little worried that Ash was in love with Kit, but the pair seemed to be very platonic, just heavily invested in one another like Kit and Janessa. And of course Ty had no business being jealous either way. He and Kit had both been engaged in various- well relationships wasn't the right word, but various flings of sorts over the past few months, but he still couldn't help but think of Kit as his.

Which didn't make any sense because Kit had left.

What made even less sense was that Ty still loved him.

Ty braced himself and then turned to face Kit. It was clear how exhausted he was from the events of the past few weeks. They were up against The Seelie Queen, Janus, The Cohort, also several supernatural disturbances that didn't make a lot of sense. Anush, his friend at the scholomance was researching the problem there. It was quite possible that it had to do with Livvy's presence.

Ty really didn't want to think about that.

He also really missed Alyssa, a new friend of his that he had met while she was studying at the scholomance. But she had left to rejoin her werewolf pack in New York. They had bonded over both being autistic, and in moments where Ty was anxious or overwhelmed he wished he could summon her to his side.

Moments like this one.

Livvy was hovering nearby, giving him a look over Kit's shoulder. Ty ignored it.

Ty nodded at Kit without fully meeting his eyes. "Fine. We can talk. Liv can you leave us alone for a moment?" He asked. Livvy scowled slightly, but did as she was told. Looking back at Kit he couldn't help but still be slightly comforted by his presence. And even though Kit was visibly worn out and stressed, he was still the most beautiful thing Ty had ever seen.

Ty did his best to remain as cold as possible. "What do you want Kit?" He asked harshly. Kit flinched slightly in response, and Ty was caught in between feeling victorious and feeling like he had just been stabbed. Kit shook his head slightly.

"Come on Ty aren't you sick of this? Don't you miss me? The way things used to be?" Kit inquired angrily. "I'm sorry I left. But I forgave you. Isn't it time you forgave me?"

Ty honestly had no words. He just continued to glare at Kit. Did Kit honestly not have a single idea what Ty was feeling?

But wasn't it obvious? How hurt he was? How utterly broken he was?

Ty took a long deep breath to keep himself calm. His fingers were aggressively flicking at his sides. Kit took his silence as a sign to keep talking.

"Look. I talked to Dru."

Seriously. Now we're involving my sister in this? As if Livvy wasn't already bad enough?

"She sort of helped me realize some things, you know" Kit continued. "She pointed out to me that I should ask you how you feel, instead of just assuming that I already know." Kit was nervously shifting back and forth on the spot.

"Wow" Ty muttered sarcastically under his breath. He looked Kit dead in the eye and spoke. "What a revolutionary concept. That I should be allowed to speak for myself for once, and not have you, Drusilla or anyone else do it for me."

Kit sighed, his eyes softening. It was in that moment that Ty was close to forgiving him.

He desperately wanted to be able to run to Kit and throw his arms around him. To hold him, and kiss him and tell him how much Ty had missed him and that he was so brave and beautiful and sweet, and that Ty belonged to him.

But Ty couldn't cave now. Not until he made Kit understand.

"I'm sorry ok?" Kit pleaded. "I get why you're pissed but-"

Ty couldn't help it. He laughed. Even though nothing about this situation was in any way humorous. "No Kit." He shook his head. "You really don't."

Kit looked a little angry at that.  Fine. Ty thought.  If you hurt me then I'll just hurt you back.

"Fine." Kit breathed, his voice sounding surprisingly gentle.  "Then tell me."

Ty was instantly brought back to the roof of the London institute. Tell me. Tell me what you need. He willed himself not to cry.

Ty took a deep breath, glaring at Kit. "Alright. Here's the thing. I am angry. I'm so angry that I can hardly breathe and no one notices." Ty snapped.

Kit opened his mouth to interject but Ty shook his head, eyes blazing with fury and tears. "No!" He shouted. "You said your piece already. Now let me say mine."

Kit stayed silent.

"I am quite literally always dealing with everything coming at me all at once, and Kit I know this is a very horrible situation for you, but I am just as stressed as you are, because despite what you might believe, I don't want you to fucking die!" Ty screamed.

Kit looked absolutely horrified. Ty was pretty sure he had never heard him swear before.

"I'm dealing with new people, new dangers, and I might lose Livvy again. I have all of this stress, all of this sensory information bombarding me 24/7. We barely sleep! We're all constantly together when we're awake! There's no time for me to stim, no time to breathe because we are all working to rescue you from your own fate!" He shouted. "And I'll do it too! Because of course I will! "It doesn't matter if I'm angry, or stressed, or tired, or scared! It doesn't matter that you broke my heart when you left me because for some unknown reason, you thought I could handle it!" Ty cried.

Kit was shaking his head. But he didn't look angry, just devastated. "Ty" he whispered, but Ty cut him off.

"Everybody always seems to think I'm either unbreakable or far too fragile and I need to be coddled and I'm sick of it. "I'm furious with you for promising that you wouldn't leave, and then telling me that you wished you had never met me when I thought I was never going to get Livvy back" Ty sobbed.

Kit gasped. Ty noticed that his eyes were filled with tears. Kit shook his head aggressively. "Sweetheart no" he breathed. "I didn't mean that. I swear."

Ty heard himself make an unrecognizable sound. His fingers were now aggressively fluttering at his sides. He clenched them into fists to stop them from moving. Kit began to step forward then stopped himself.

"Sweetheart" Ty whispered under his breath in awe. Alyssa had once told him that what he was doing now was called sub-vocalizing.  He could hear her voice in his head. When our brains get stuck on a word or a phrase because it was so shocking or we can't stop thinking about it, or it brought out a huge emotional reaction in us, then we mouth it or we say it out loud over and over again.

"Sweetheart" he mouthed, warmth overflowing his body.

"I'm- I'm sorry" Kit stammered. "I didn't mean to upset you." Ty recovered himself quickly, shaking his head.

"No it's fine" he said firmly. "You just surprised me." Kit looked down at the ground. He looked embarrassed, defeated. He looked exactly the way he looked on the beach three years ago.

No. No don't go there. He doesn't really love you.

Ty continued on. "And at least I got Livvy back in a sense, but you still left me and I didn't survive that." There were fresh tears running down his face. Exhaustion was definitely catching up with him.  Ty partly just wanted to let it go and go to sleep, but he needed Kit to understand.

"You cannot under any circumstances ever tell an autistic person that you're never leaving and then go back on your word Kit!" Ty exclaimed. "This is why we all have trust issues! Because we're naive, so we let our guards down because we just want someone to choose us. Not out of pity but out of genuine love. And it wasn't like this had never happened to me before but you were supposed to be different." Ty said defeated. He looked over at Kit and waited for Kit's eyes to meet his.

Ty had always hated eye contact. Mostly because it physically hurt and made him feel really awkward, but also because it felt too open. Too vunrable. As though someone could see into his soul and know all of his secrets just by looking.

Well he had never felt that way with Kit. Or maybe he just had never cared about letting Kit really see him. All of him. And they didn't have any secrets from each other. At least not anymore. Kit looked back at him and Ty could see it all. Hurt, exhaustion, longing, and love.

Love?  Ty shook his head, physically willing himself not to be sucked in.

But there was no point.

"And that's why I fell in love with you" Ty admitted.

Kit's eyes widened almost comically. He inhaled sharply staring at Ty with an expression Ty was having trouble placing. Up until tonight, Ty hadn't actually looked at Kit. He had been avoiding it for some time now. Most likely because he was afraid of what he might see. Would he recognize the person that Kit had become?

But all Ty could see now was what he had actually been avoiding from Kit all those years ago. It was that look of complete awe and adoration. Like Ty had all of the answers to the secrets of the universe.

And Ty really really really didn't.

It was painful, because as much as he was angry with Kit, he also didn't want to hurt him or let him down again.

Ty fought to keep his voice steady as he spoke. "The worst part is, in the end I know i'll probably forgive you eventually. I will do what I always do. Take the high road. Be the bigger person and let it go because I have to. Because I'm never allowed to be angry Kit, and I'm not allowed to hold grudges because everyone is always convinced that I'm overreacting." Ty said bitterly.

 "So it doesn't matter that you hurt me. It doesn't matter how many nights I spent crying myself to sleep at the scholomance or how many bad decisions I made during some futile attempt to feel something other then pain, and it doesn't matter that you might hurt me again" Ty lamented. He was fully aware that he was crying, but that didn't matter anymore.

Kit was staring at him dumbfounded like Ty was speaking another language, but the pain in his eyes was clear.

Ty shrugged slightly. "I'll still love you Kit, no matter what, because that's just how I am."

Kit took a deep breath, wiping away at his tears. "Ty- I'm so sorry. I-             I didn't know" he stammered. Kit slowly began to approach Ty, carefully as if he were a wounded animal. "I'm sorry I didn't think about it like that. When I told you I loved you and you didn't say anything back, I just assumed you didn't want me, that you didn't care." He was standing directly in front of Ty now, and Ty couldn't help but stare into his eyes.

Suddenly, Ty was overwhelmed with the powerful urge to touch him. To reach out and comfort him. For Ty it was almost as instinctive as breathing. Instead he just shook his head.

"That's not true, it never was" Ty said adamently. "I was torn apart. Everything with Livvy was just too overwhelming and I just couldn't lose her Kit!" He protested forcefully. "But I always cared about you. I honestly just thought you knew."

Kit paused for a moment, then slowly reached for Ty's hand. Ty didn't fight him, only watched as Kit traced the lines on his hand. After a pause, Kit looked back up at him. " You're right. I shouldn't have assumed. I should have just asked you how you felt" Kit admitted. "I'm so sorry Ty." His voice broke. "I'm so sorry for leaving, for making you feel like I didn't care." Kit lifted his other hand, the one that wasn't holding onto Ty, and placed his palm softly on the side of Ty's cheek. He shook his head, almost in disbelief.

Ty fought the urge to close his eyes and lean into it.

Kit continued. "Honestly the truth is Ty, I fucking adore you. I love you so much." Ty heard himself inhale sharply. Kit was so close now, only centameters apart. It wouldn't take much just to lean over and kiss him.

Wait.

No. Not yet.

We're not done.

Ty scoffed slightly. "Yeah you say that Kit, but at the end of the day those are just words. Pretty, empty words." Ty almost regreted it as soon as he saw the look on Kit's face. Up close he could see the heartbreak in his eyes. Ty could also see the dark circles under his eyes which were a little red. He could see the dried tears smeared across Kit's cheeks.

Ty couldn't help but look at the broken boy in front of him and hate himself a little for the damage he had clearly caused.

Look at what you did to him, a cruel voice inside him whispered.

This is what you do. You hurt people, break their hearts and make them regret ever knowing you. This is all that you are. Selfish, cold and cruel.

Ty shook it off. It wasn't true. He loved Kit, just as he loved his family and his friends. It didn't matter that there were some people who refused to see that, refused to see that just because he felt differently, didn't mean that he was unable to feel. Some days, the sheer strength of what he felt for Kit threatened to break him in half it was so powerful. It was almost too much to bare. So Ty squashed it down and pushed it to the side, molded it so that it was more manageable and less scary.

Kit let out a soft breath of air and closed his eyes, he let go off Ty and dropped his head forward so that it was resting against Ty's shoulder. Kit was slightly shorter then Ty which Ty had always found amusing. Kit, less so, but secretly one of the things Ty had always loved about their height difference was that he could tuck Kit into the nape of his neck. Ty loved the feeling of Kit's curls against his skin.

"This isn't empty Ty" he murmured, nuzzling the side of Ty's neck. "This is everything."

 Kit's voice was so quiet that Ty almost didn't hear him.

Kit pulled back slightly and tilted his head up to look at Ty. They were so close that their noses were slightly touching. Kit was staring up at him through half-lidded eyes. His hands were trailing up Ty's arms, pulling slightly at the fabric of his sleeves. His lips were parted slightly, staring up at Ty with so much love in his eyes.

"Beautiful" Ty whispered under his breath.

 Kit looked utterly beautiful, and before Kit had the chance to answer him Ty was pressing his mouth to Kit's in a deep passionate kiss. The moment their lips touched, Ty almost let out a sigh of relief, sliding his hands up to Kit's face to cup his cheeks. Kit made a sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a moan, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss. Ty could feel Kit's hands all over him, rubbing across his back and then finally settling on Ty's waist. Ty pulled back slightly, noticing that Kit was straining himself to reach Ty's height, pulling himself up on his tip toes.

Ty couldn't help but laugh. "You really are quite short aren't you?" He teased. Kit looked like he was about to cry so Ty kissed him again, attempting to pour all of the love he had for Kit into the kiss. He slowly moved his hands down Kit's body, then bent down slightly to lift him up. Kit wrapped his legs around Ty's waist and threw his arms around Ty's shoulders kissing him sensually. Ty clung to Kit even tighter, afraid of what would happen if they let each other go.

 He remembered way back when he and Kit had first been getting to know each other and Kit had told him that he was pretty sure Ty was autistic. He had given him a bunch of articles and official clinical descriptions and terms that made Ty feel distant and afraid. But then he had recommended Ty check out posts on social media sites made by autistic people and Ty had been completely swept into it. There was an entire tag on tumblr dedicated to autism, and Ty had spent hours scrolling through the posts feeling overwhelmed in the best way possible by a sense of community and belonging.

 He had come across this one blog dedicated purely to autistic love and lust and how it manifests differently. Ty remembered reading one quote in particular that had made him feel hot and shivery all over, and painfully aware of Kit's presence next to him. It had stayed with him all this time.

I want to ink myself underneath your skin.

Ty  gently put him down for a moment and leaned his forehead against Kit's. They were both breathing heavily.

"I missed you" Ty whispered. Kit smiled at him beautifully.

"I missed you too sweetheart."

Edit: This is old but I'm tagging @ti-bae-rius in this because I honestly just want your opinion lol.

[vacationcalendar]

7/19/21

Alright bitch, welcome back. Holy shit I make sitting down to blog look fucking impossible don’t I. Alright alright, let’s keep it pg-13 if we can..

I set an alarm for 10am to go off every day that just says BLOG TIME. I’d preferably like to get banging out words onto the page a little bit BEFORE that. It’s a powerful “awakening” activity in my experience, and I should be using that to my advantage. I also want to take as much time as I can on this project, especially if it’s psuedo-replacing a 40hr/week job. The earlier I get started the less I have to worry about what time it is when I’m done. My procrastination on day 2 has cost me the entirety of a sunny day. Well, it’s 2:30 now; so I imagine by the time I wrap this up I’ll have missed peek sun time. But who’s to say?

I’m starting to get that sense of dread again. That feeling I sometimes get when I can see hard plans lining my calendar far too densely populated for my liking. Big dentist appointment tomorrow. Day after that is a wash as far as I’m concerned. Even if my mouth miraculously heals in time to actually enjoy my Wednesday, I can already guarantee the psychic wounds of enduring an hours long, 600$-ish sit under the drill will take at least a couple extended sets of the fitful rest to recover from. Then I leave on Thursday to begin a full weeklong family vacation. And in that week I’ll have to figure out how to keep fucking blogging, or this thing is gonna stall out on the train tracks 100%. Do I have to explain that to you? I mean you get it; you know I’m right about that. I’m a naturally cowardly, sinful guy. I have to build up inertia on any remotely dutiful or healthy task, or I simply cannot keep it up...

So the next 3 days are all going to test my ability to actually sit here and write something. I’m really not going to want to, even though I want for literally nothing else right now. The only thing I want to do more than this creative process is to simply not exist at all. And it’s all compounded by these blasted plans. Fuck these plans. These are the dastardly plans that just cannot get canceled. They’re too high impact, and “good”(?). So then the fact that these blogs are also a “plan” just piles it up too high for me seemingly. It is quite clearly, objectively, not too much to handle. But I cannot help the fact that I feel claustrophobic. I just do. The strategy can’t be to NOT feel that way, it can’t be preventative. It has to deal with the feeling somehow. Hmmm... it’s tricky. To me, in this moment, as I’m typing this, it feels tricky. I honestly think that by the time I’m finished typing here, it WON’T feel so tricky. I’m certainly hoping that’s the case. 

Ok new track: Part of why I procrastinated so long today was pretty simple. I was hungover. I was hungover and I didn’t know what to talk about. Instead of going to be thinking about my usual faire, I was just thinking I feel like shit; I hope I don’t throw up. So I woke up late, slow, and with zero thoughts bouncing around my head. So I just watched LCS footage and read twitter, and by the time I got up and made coffee (mandatory for the blog. Blogging without coffee sounds insane. What would you ponderously sip between sentences? Water? How would that even work?) and sat down to write, I had squeezed out another full hour of procrastination. Now I won’t be hungover again for a while. This was a special occasion of sorts. Another one of my dreaded “plans.” Fuck’s sake. It was a 2nd meet up of Olivia’s peeps for drinks. It was penciled in after the first hang so that we could include everybody that didn’t make it the first time. Perfectly reasonable idea. And the first time sitting and drinking was so much fun that I sort of figured I was obligated to, pay my dues I suppose, for this second meet-up that sounded significantly less fun. But it was perfectly enjoyable. It had the energy of a hangout that could happen every single week like a sitcom. Very easy, probably more drinking than one could maintain if it were a weekly occurrence, but not too much. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just record keeping, I guess?

Anyways, this morning was not the le morning that I can usually anticipate. So circumstances withstanding PLUS the procrastination ended up pushing the writing well past 3pm. These next 3 days (and the next 8 days after that, holy shit) are also going to mesh quite poorly with this sloppy, laissez-faire approach to getting this done. So I’m worried about it. Look, I want to do this, but I absolutely don’t want to have to worry about it. Is that asking too much? And obviously I can do this without worrying about it, in theory.  But I do not believe in myself, ok? I don’t. I’m telling you that right now. I want to cancel everything and just do this when I fucking get around to it. And, well; here’s the kicker. I didn’t mention this yet, and I probably should have. Once I get back from this GD vacation, my hiatus between jobs will officially be past a full month. I can hear the timer ticking in my head. I am in charge of how much sand I put in this particular hourglass. My mother will fully disagree with me there. I mean, I’m about to spend 8 days with someone who ask me every single day “so have you gotten your new job yet?”

You’re thinking, ‘Max, it’s not just impractical to ask a question with such a clear answer more than once without waiting for any circumstances to change, it flat out does not make any sense at all!’ I agree. We are on the exact same page guy. But you are missing the fact that “it doesn’t hurt to think about it. And maybe you can look online on your phone while you’re here trying to enjoy a vacation.”

Parents are weird. This feeling I’m describing is so relatable to some people. And other people just can’t parse it at all. There are a tiny handful of people in your life that will exist in totality literally forever. I mean one of you will die first, but for that person who died, the other people existed THE ENTIRE TIME. Minus like pre-birth and stuff, but that’s semantics. They are inevitable. They can travel all over the spectrum of human emotion vis-a-vi your relationship, but 99.9% of the grades will result in your staying completely still in your relationship to them. He sucks, but he’s my dad. He’s my dad, he’s fine. He’s my dad, I love him My dad’s the best! These father/son relationships all virtually fill up the exact same liminal space as far as I can tell. The way far ends of the bell curve are where it ever seems to yield different results. My dad is my best friend! One day I will kill my father, and I will finally be free of him. Let’s set those aside for this cross-section (vocab?). Every other relationship ship under the bell curve carries this seeming inevitability to it. These relationships seems like they get “finished” in a way. We know the personality of our parents so completely (and they have stopped changing/growing as people at a certain point), that we don’t actually have to go to them to learn about them. You don’t have to ask them questions or inquire about their opinions, because you can successfully deduce the answer using simple math. But THEN, you have to talk to them still, because they are close to you and want to learn about YOU, because you are still an incomplete puzzle. I don’t know, I just think the part of the parent/child dynamic where you have to share info with a parent even though the conversation has already been “solved;” the formality of it. The chore of it. That’s what it is. It’s chores. We know how chores are going to go, but until you actually do them, there’s this disorder. But instead of a dishwasher it’s a human being, that doesn’t “get” CRT. And if I can’t fucking convince my mother that my 28,000$ in savings will be able to tide me over for more than a week while I actually take a legitimate run at feeling fulfilled in my LIFE, convincing her to dismantle the foundation of our nation’s socio-economic structures in order to save our species from annihilation seems, I don’t know, tough.

Ok, I think I’m done. That took about an hour. I don’t think that’s bad at all. Am I still scared about tomorrow’s blog and therefore the rest of my life as I know it? Yes. Of course.

But at least you’ll be there with me when I get there. Take care bud, eat a good dinner tonight.

Love you

[mollyshaj]

30.

Three Years Later - June 17, 2016

Mariah

Walking in my house I shook my head when I saw Damien sitting in the living room playing that video game like he always does. I swear to God you cannot get that little nigga off that thing. It’s cool though, he’s out the way when he plays that. He needs to play it in his room though, I don’t know why he gotta be in the damn living room all the time.

“Damien, is your father here?” I asked him after stepping in front of the TV. He sucked his teeth but pressed pause on his game. “Lose the attitude I’m just asking a question.”

“I know, he was in the kitchen the last time I checked. He probably went upstairs though.”

“Alright thanks,” I mushed his head playfully then went upstairs. Before I could walk down to the bedroom I shared with Tristan I stopped and opened the door to Jayce’s bedroom then walked in. “What are you doing?” I questioned when I saw her typing away on her laptop.

“Finishing my book report. This is my last assignment for this class then we’re done.” She answered. “You’re home early,” She turned and looked at me and I couldn’t help but smile at her. Jayce is so damn beautiful and she’s growing prettier every day. Shit, I feel a great sense of pride just looking at her sometimes.

“I know I let Rachel close the store down tonight. I didn’t want to be there longer than necessary.” My store Material Girl, opened two years ago and business has been booming since we opened. The only problem with my store was it kept me busy. Running the store dealing with my kids and Tristan’s big headed ass always had me on the go. I never really got the chance to just sit back and relax.

“Okay, well I have a question. It’s really a question for you and Tristan but I think it’s easier to ask you first.”

“Oh lord, what is it?” If she’s scared or hesitant to ask Tristan anything that means she either wants to go somewhere or it’s about a boy.

“You know that boy Lucas, the one that goes to my school?”

“Yeah, what about him?”

“Well he asked me out so can I go?”

“I personally don’t mind you going but Tristan isn’t going to see it that way.” To say Tristan was over protective over Jayce would be an understatement.  He really goes psychotic over her; she doesn’t even like him coming to the school because his grown ass doesn’t know how to act.

“That’s why I want you to talk to him. He only asked me to go to the party the school throws. That’s completely chaperoned and no I don’t need one of y’all to be there.”

“I’ll talk to him; I’m not making any promises though.”

“That’s good enough for me.”

“Alright did y’all eat?”

“I did earlier when I first came in from school. Tristan said you were cooking.”

“He got me fucked up, get dressed and tell Damien to get dressed to we’re going out.” I walked out of her bedroom and walked down to mine.

Tristan was lying across the bed with our daughter Chase lying on his back watching ESPN. I swear to God this nigga was determined to turn her into a tom boy. “Hey baby,” Tristan said when I walked in the room.

“Hey,” I went over to the bed and kissed him on the lips before picking Chase up and kissing her cheek. “You might wanna get up bruh; we’re going out to eat. I’m not cooking.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to that’s why, come on get your big ass up. I’m going to get her ready, you handle whatever you need to handle.” I walked out of the bedroom and went right next door to Chase’s room and put her in her crib. “You ready to look pretty baby girl?”

Our daughter Chase Amari Myers was born on September 20, 2013. She was a week late and took me through 15 hours of labor before she popped her little ass out of my body. As if birthing her wasn’t bad enough, she’s spoiled as hell. Tristan literally gives her whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. He doesn’t know the word no unless he’s talking to Damien and Jayce and even then he still doesn’t say it as much as he needs to.

Chase wasn’t the only thing that was new for us, we just moved into this big beautiful house twenty minutes away from Ebony and Kaylin last year. Granted it’s not as big as theirs, we have five bedrooms four bathrooms but I didn’t need that much space anyway. Jayce and Damien were both mad about having to switch schools but they eventually got over it.

I was going through Chase’s clothes when my phone started vibrating in my pocket so I pulled it out and looked at it. When I saw it was Ebony I answered. “What’s up Eb?”

“Not a damn thing, I’m bored as shit. What are you doing?”

“About to get Chase dressed, we’re about to go out to eat. You wanna come with us? Y’all can meet us at that Italian restaurant we always go to.”

“That’s cool with me, we’ll see you there. Thirty minutes good?”

“Yeah that’s fine. You spoke to Nicole?”

“Not since last night, you know she and Rashad are off on one of their littler voyages. The plus of not having kids I tell you.” I shook my head chuckling because she was right.

Nicole and Rashad are always taking a trip somewhere. They just went to LA in April, now they’re out in the Virgin Islands. I hate them so much sometimes, lucky bastards.

“You got that right; it’s cool though because I want to go to Paris for my honeymoon. I already told Tristan he better not try and get cheap with me, I’ll slap his ass.” I told Ebony and she laughed.

“The last thing that nigga is cheap, wait the way he proposed to you was kind of cheap. Actually it’s not kind of the shit was cheap.” She joked.

“He’s lucky I’m not an ungrateful ass bitch.” Tristan proposed to me on New Year’s Day and as much as I thought he would try and go all out to surprise me his ass got pissy drunk at Kaylin’s party and when we got home he pulled the ring out and asked me. I laughed at his ass but said yes. When he woke up he didn’t even remember asking me. That man is dumb as hell sometimes.

“You love him that’s why you’re not ungrateful but fuck that I been meaning to tell you something. Tell me why I ran into that nigga Rio the other day when I was taking Jayden to get his haircut.”

“Are you serious? I thought his crazy ass was in jail.”

“He was but he’s out now. Girl the nigga was screaming my name and shit. I just grabbed Jayden’s hand and left.”

“I told you to stop taking his ass all the way to JC to get a haircut. You should take him to the same place Kaylin goes.”

“I never had problems taking that drive though, plus he knows Dave and I know he’s not going to bullshit with my baby’s head. I don’t know, running into that nigga really freaked me out.”

“Did you tell Kaylin?”

“Hell no, you know how he is. Let him find out the nigga that was beating my ass is out of jail he’s going to lose his damn mind.”

“Well what are you going to do? Hide it?”

“I don’t know, I just saw him one time. Hopefully I won’t run into him again. Fuck him though, we’ll see you at the restaurant.”

“Alright.” I ended the call then shook my head.

Ebony was really playing with fire trying to keep running into Rio a damn secret. Rio, or Mario as the law knows him is a complete nut and he’s Ebony’s ex. She met him maybe two years after Quan first left. They weren’t together for six months before he started putting his hands on her. It got so bad that she ended up in the hospital with three broken ribs, a broken wrist and a fractured leg behind that nigga breaking in her house after he heard she was supposedly giving her number out to other niggas.

Luckily she wasn’t that damn dumb and got his ass put in jail but obviously he wasn’t locked down too long if she ran into him. I don’t understand why she’s hiding it from Kaylin, he got rid of Quan’s ass he can get rid of Rio but that’s on her. I’m going to mind my damn business.

After getting Chase dressed and ready I took her down to Jayce’s room so she could watch her while I got myself together. Once I was dressed and ready we all left and headed down to the restaurant.

We sat there for about ten minutes when Ebony finally came walking in with Kaylin and Jayden. “Hey y’all,” I got up and gave all three of them a hug. They said what’s up to everybody then sat in their seats.

“Where’s baby girl at Kay?” I asked him about Angelic. She was the sweetest little girl ever but she was hyper as hell at the same time.

“With her mother, she’s with us next weekend.” Once everybody ordered their food, Jayden and Damien were sitting next to each other talking basketball or whatever else and Jayce was on her phone doing something with Chase.

“You see that picture Nicole put on Instagram?” Ebony asked me.

“Nah, let me see.” She pulled her phone out and scrolled around for a minute before finally handed me the phone since she was right next to me. I looked at the picture and started laughing.

xbrownbeautyx

xbrownbeautyx: how is he with you if we ain’t even in the country? Bitch don’t flatter yourself my nigga don’t want you, you won’t be getting my life. Get the fuck over it.

“Oh Lord,” I shook my head. “She doesn’t throw shade she just chops your ass in the throat.”

“Kay told Rashad he better do something about that bitch.” Ebony shook her head.

“I don’t understand why she’s so pressed. They never even fucked before. These bitches be out here losing their mind for no reason.”

“For real, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that bullshit. Y’all have some damn patience. How is everything going with his mama?”

“Court in a few weeks, we already know we’re going to win and keep full custody.” Two years ago Tristan and I ended up getting temporary custody of Damien because his mother is a complete idiot. She met some nigga and started dating him, I guess she thought it would make Tristan jealous but it didn’t. This bitch wasn’t even with him four months before she moved him in that house.

Come to find out not only was he a fuckin’ alcoholic he was a dip head. Dip is basically cigarettes and or blunts dipped in chemicals, mostly embalming fluid. Being where I’m from I’ve seen a lot of dip heads and that shit is not only fucked up its makes them crazy and violent.

Tristan and I knew nothing about her moving him in the house until one night Damien calls Tristan crying talking about that nigga was beating the shit out of his mother. I sent Chase and Jayce next door with Mc. Cicely, an old woman I was living next to while we rode over to this girl’s house.

When we got there we could hear her ass screaming from outside. Tristan busted in the house and ran to the living room and Carmen was standing there beat the fuck up, face all black and blue yelling and screaming while this nigga was beating on Damien. I’ve never seen Tristan explode like he did that night.

He pushed the man off Damien and dragged his ass outside the house and proceeded to beat him the fuck up. Usually I would rush to stop him from doing something stupid but I had to let him get them licks in because it was necessary at this point. I don’t know who, but somebody ended up calling the cops. Just as the police was pulling up Tristan picked that nigga and slammed in on the front of somebody’s car so bad the whole damn windshield shattered.

They arrested him while I stayed back and tried to figure out something with Damien and Carmen. When the ambulance came around to look at their bruises they ended up transporting everybody to the hospital. Tristan called my phone and basically told me to stay and figure out what was going on with his son, he just wanted me to call Kaylin or Rashad to come bail him out. I called both of them niggas and they went and got him.

While in the hospital I learned that not only did Damien have bruises on him from that nigga putting his hands on him that night. He had bruises that looked a few days old and the only way that was happening was if Carmen had been letting that nigga beat her son. Sure Tristan disciplines him but he doesn’t beat him like that. Damien didn’t want to talk in front of the doctors but once he was left alone with me he told me everything.

That man Carmen was with was beating on both of them the whole time he was staying there and was telling Damien if he told Tristan he was going to kill Carmen so he kept his mouth shut. The only reason he called Tristan that night was because this time the psycho pulled out a gun.

The next day when Tristan was released we were still at the hospital because they wanted to keep Damien overnight. I went and picked up Jayce and Chase and took them to Ebony’s. When we all got back to the hospital and I told Tristan everything his son told me it literally took Kaylin, Rashad and about three security guards to get him away from Carmen because he was trying to kill that bitch. If we weren’t in the hospital I probably would’ve let him.

Tristan took Damien home with us and filed for full custody the next day. He didn’t try to get her locked up he just wanted his son with us and he’s been with us ever since. Now we were going to our final court date in a couple of weeks to find out if we won. The lawyer basically guaranteed us custody but we still had to go.

To say Carmen is salty as fuck about her son being us full time would be an understatement. If she didn’t hate me before she definitely did now. Damien refuses to talk to her, he doesn’t want anything to do with her at this point and she thinks I’m the reason. As if I have mind control over her son and told him to hate her ass. The bitch is always popping shit on social media and now one of her cousins that used to talk to Rashad back in the day is starting shit with Nicole.

The bitch is playing on her phone, stalking her social media accounts being annoying and lying on her pussy. Claiming Rashad if fucking her and shit and we all know that’s a lie. I don’t even get why the bitch so pressed. Nicole and Rashad have been together for years at this point and everybody knows it so why the bitch is acting like she doesn’t know that and faking like she hurt is beyond me. I personally feel like Carmen is putting her up to it. She can’t get to me because it would be bad for her case so she wants to annoy my friend. The bitch just doesn’t know Nicole is with the shit, she’ll drag both of those bitches.

Shit was just over dramatic with Nicole and I right now as far as relationships are concerned. Luckily Ebony didn’t have crazy ex problems, she and Brandi were actually getting along. They didn’t hang out with each other or anything but they don’t have any issues or anything. They actually speak and have conversations when they see each other. My bestie is growing up for real because five years ago, Ebony would’ve still been mean to the girl.

“You know she’s going to be coming for you once the custody is official right?” Ebony asked knocking me out of my thoughts. I shrugged my shoulder before taking a sip of my drink.

“I really don’t give a flying fiery fuck; she can come at me and get her ass whooped if she wants to. I’ve been waiting to drop that whore for years.”

“She needs her ass whooped for real.”

“I know and she’ll get it. I’ll see that bitch around. Just wait.”

Nicole

“I’m not ready to leave man.” I told Rashad as we were packing our clothes. We’ve been in the St. Thomas for the past week and I was not ready to go back home.

“Me either but we gotta get back to the real world. Besides you keep going back and forth with bitches on the Gram anyway.”

“I’m not going back and forth I’m just setting the bitch straight. Posting pictures of you like you’re around her when we aint even in the country. The only reason I did it was because I know her raggedy ass friends and that thirsty ass cousin of hers be watching my damn page.”

“Just ignore her; you know I’m not fucking that bitch. You know I never fucked that bitch so fuck what they’re talking about.”

“I can’t make any promises about that. You know I don’t like lying so therefor I’m just going to say I’ll mind my business as long as the bitch stays in her lane.”

“Do you Nicole; just don’t bring that messy shit home.”

“I got you on that.” After we were done packing we left the hotel we were staying at then went straight to the airport where we had to wait about an hour before even boarding the plane.

Once we were seated in first class I looked at Rashad. “What’s the next destination?”

“I don’t know, I was going to leave that up to you. I don’t mind going to Paris again. That was a good time.”

“Yeah, but I want to go somewhere we’ve never been before. That’s the hard part.” Rashad and I take advantage of the fact that we have no kids. We were together, I love him and he loves me but we weren’t settled down like Ebony and Mariah were. There weren’t any kids running around our place and we didn’t have anything stopping us from doing whatever we wanted.

They had the houses in the suburbs and shit while Rashad and I still lived in the city. We did move out of his one bedroom condo and into a two story, four bedroom, three bathroom penthouse apartment. Hell, the only reason I wanted the extra room was because I knew our friends were going to have us on babysitting duties which neither one of us had a problem with.

“What about Rome?”

“That’s a good one, I like that idea.”

“Alright then, Rome it is. We’re going to set that shit up for August.”

“Cool. You think they had everything straight at the hotel while I was gone?”

“I didn’t get any calls but you never know. You just gotta see when you go in.” I was running The Carter Hotel in New York for Rashad, that’s how I made my money.

When I first started working there I was just looking over the employees and helping him organize everything but after a year he basically promoted me to the manager of the entire of hotel. Of course it’s some employees that had an issue with my being there but I really couldn’t give a fuck. The only reason they don’t like my ass is because Rashad and I are together plus I don’t play games at all. I run a tight ship which is why it’s making as much money as it does.

After the four hour flight back to New York I called an Uber to get us back to our place. When we got up to our apartment I went straight to the bedroom to lie down. The only thing I hate about traveling is missing my bed. Nothing felt better than being in my own shit.

“Baby, you hungry?” Rashad asked me when he came in the room.

“Yeah, you wanna order something?”

“Nah, I gotta go check on some shit so I’ll just bring you something back. I’ll only be gone for like an hour.”

“Alright, text me when you’re done doing whatever you’re going to I’ll tell you what I want then so you won’t forget and bring back some bullshit.” I smirked at him. Rashad’s memory is fucked up sometimes. He forgets the simplest shit and instead of asking about it he just takes a guess.

“I’m not going to forget but do that.” He came over and kissed me on the lips then walked out. “Love you ma!” He shouted from down the hall.

“Love you too!”

A smile came on my face while I got up to take a quick shower. Once I was good and clean I threw on one of Rashad’s old football jerseys and a pair of his boxers before sitting on my bed and calling Ebony. I didn’t really get to talk to them much while I was gone and I needed a good laugh.

“Are you finally back bitch?” Ebony asked when she answered her phone. I didn’t get a hi or anything the bitch went straight to questioning me.

“Well damn, hello to you too.”

“My bad,” She laughed. “What’s good Nic. Are you back?”

“Yeah we just got back home actually. Rashad went to go do something and get us some food so now I’m just sitting here. What are you doing?”

“I just got in the house from a photo shoot.”

“Ooh shit, what magazine this time?”

“Not for a magazine, this hair company. I forgot the name of it but their hair is the shit. Got this shit flowing all down my back. You know they send me free shit just to promote it.”

“Yeah and they pay your ass lovely. Who said you can’t make money off Instagram?”

“Dummies, shit I make stacks just for taking a picture of some damn jewelry and posting the shit.”

“What happened with that offer you got?”

“I’m not doing no damn Love & Hip Hop. I almost pissed myself when Viv told me they contacted her about me. The fuck I look like going on that shit and making a complete fool of myself.”

“Yeah they will have your ass doing some pure divine bullshit. Take it as a compliment, that means your name is out here bitch.”

“Oh please, that’s a bad thing as much as it’s a good thing. The great part is I’m making my money. The fucked up part is people think they know my life or think they know me. Calling me a damn IG model, no bitch I’m a professional model signed to an agency who just so happens to milk the shit out of that dumb ass app.” Ebony said in a serious tone.

The one thing that pisses Ebony off is trying to down play her and what she’s done. She’s been grinding hard as hell for the last few years and working her ass off. She’s graced the covers of numerous magazines and she was bent over fucking a rapper, shaking or showing her ass to do it. She did more than just post pictures with that nasty ass Flat Tummy Tea. Call her an IG model if you want to, you might get slapped.

��People are going to hate Ebony don’t let that shit get to you. You know you work your ass off fuck everybody else. Shit, you think I care about those bitches at that hotel hating on me? Talking about I don’t do my job, I’m just there because I’m fuckin’ Rashad. I had to curse one of those bitches out and fire her ass before we left.”

“What happened?” Ebony laughed again. For whatever reason this bitch thinks me going off is funny.

“First of all the bitch was already on thin ice because she’s a fuckin’ idiot and she’s always later or calling out. So because she barely comes to work her check is bullshit and she came at me about it talking about I’m jealous of her and that’s why I docked her pay and that I wouldn’t be shit if I wasn’t fuckin’ Rashad.”

“Oh hell nah, what did you say?”

“I went clean off on that hooker. I looked at her and was like I don’t know who the fuck you take me for but you really got life fucked up. I said Rashad is my man so the fuck what, that has nothing to do with how I do my job which I do quite well thank you very much bitch. Now you check looks like shit because you barely bring your dumb ass to work. The fuck you think you automatically obligated to money because your name is on the pay roll? No bitch the hours have to worked and you don’t do that so you can take that shitty ass paycheck and get the fuck out because you’re fired any way. Then I walked back to my office.”

“Wow Nic, you probably hurt the bitch feelings and everything.”

“I don’t care either, bitches really be having life fucked up. I’m about to be 30 years old I don’t have to be dealing with these dummies. I’m running out of patience my nigga.”

“Oh do not bring up age please, I’m 28.”

“So? You say that like you’re old.”

“I know but come on man my baby is 11 years old he’s almost a teenager. Angelic is 3 going on 30, that little girl is a mess.”

“You think you got it bad, Mariah is in the house with two teenagers and a toddler. I’m pretty sure Tristan is going to fuck around and get her pregnant again just wait.” I laughed.

“He probably will, when are you and Rashad going to pop one out?”

“When I have a ring on my finger and say I do, I got him until then I’m good.” It wasn’t my desire to be a baby mama. I’m good.

“I feel you; I told Kay the same thing. You know he’s asking me about a baby and shit. I told his ass I got you after we all have the same last name. If I marry him Jayden’s last name is getting changed to King just like mine.”

“Good, that’s his father they need the same last name.”

“Yeah well his father is irking my nerves with this baby shit, if we’re not arguing about that we’re arguing about some other shit.”

“Y’all are out of that honeymoon phase and real life is setting in. You’ll be fine, y’all love each other.”

“I know but damn shit is just rough right now.”

“Rough how Eb?”

“It just is, we argue all the time. Sure we have good days and when we’re good, we’re good. When shit is bad, it’s bad. If we argue I don’t even sleep in the damn room with him. I’m talking about me going to bed in the damn guest room for five nights straight in the past week Nicole.”

“The fuck happened?”

“I don’t even know but I’m over this shit man, and then I ran into Rio the other day and now he’s stalking my fuckin’ pages. I block his ass and he pops up again, this nigga is on this crazy bullshit.”

“When the fuck did he even get out?”

“I don’t know but he’s out and he’s on my ass. This nigga is really buggin’ I’m scared to go to my bookings because this bitch boy might pop up.”

“You told Kaylin?”

“Hell no if I tell him he’s not going to let me out of his sight and I don’t have time to be following his ass around when I have my own shit to handle.”

“You need to tell him, the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’ll be fine Nicole, and don’t go running your mouth to Rashad.”

“I’m not but you still need to say something. I’ll keep quiet for now but as soon as I get the feeling something is going on I’m snitching.”

“Yeah alright I hear you, I gotta go cook for these kids. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alright, later.” I ended the call the put my phone down. Ebony is as stubborn as they come. Let Kay find out this nigga been damn near stalking her and she’s keeping it quiet. She thinks they’re into it now he’s really going to have a fit.