#but I don't wanna waste that effort if nobody cares

[the-punforgiven]

I think it'd be kind of funny to try and make a goofy little Choose Your Own Adventure game using the tumblr polls

[walkingfleshsuit]

i wanna cut deeper! I need to cut deeper! I want styros, beans, I want all that and I will do it, I just wanna know how!

I don't enjoy the pain, I don't enjoy the act of cutting, I don't cut for pleasure, I cut for validation. I just wanna be valid. I want something to pin the blame on and cutting will be that thing!

yk?

i want to feel like their effort isn't wasted, they support me so much for things I lied about, I said I do serious sh when all I have ever done is cat scratches, I will make myself truthful, I will suffer, I will be in pain so that all the people who want to help me for things I have lied about have an actual physical thing to help me with, something that matters yk?

its not gonna work, nothing ever does lol, but its worth a shot, just like all the things I will eventually try out. anyways, enough venting, ig y'all wanna see some blood or something? I don't got much to offer unfortunately but I got a bit ig...

y'all are like sharks right? you are attracted to blood? I mean, yeah, but nobody cares about cat scratches lol. either way, its worth a shot ig, maybe I'll attract someone to insult me or something, I deserve it tbh, so go forth, do your thing ig. stupid pictures of my "sh"

its pathetic, isn't it?

ik zal snel gerepareerd worden :)

[weird-an]

Tw: abuse, Billy trying to get other people to hurt him

Billy's life is a horror movie and he gets killed off every week when his dad slaps him around and tells him he's worth nothing.

Today is the most boring version when Neil stares down at him and decides he isn't worth the effort. Billy's skin feels thin and wrong and he's doing the dumbest thing: talking back.

Neil just shrugs. "I'm not wasting my time with you today."

Every muscle, every breathe is strained and Billy needs to let go. He needs to fucking hurt - and Neil doesn't want to. Billy stares at himself in the mirror, feels like a blurry copy of himself, like the tape has run out before he saw the end of the movie.

If Neil doesn't hurt him, someone else will. Billy drives to a bar, just outside town. They never check for ID, a bunch of drunks already yelling by the bar. He's bumping into a sturdy guy whose eyes are already glassy from too many sorrows getting drowned in beer and cheap whiskey.

"Fucking fag," he slurs and shoves Billy against the wall, knocking the breath out of his chest. It's a start, relief just around the corner, but it's not enough.

"He didn't mean it, sorry," a voice behind him says.

Billy still can't breathe. He turns around.

Steve Harrington looks terribly out of place, even though he's wearing a black leather jacket. Designer clothes, carefully styled hair.

He's pretty. He's ruining everything.

"What the fuck, Harrington?"

Steve shakes his head. "The guy is like ten times bigger than you."

"What do you care?" Maybe this is an opportunity. "You wanna get even for last time?"

Billy doesn't remember much. Only a red haze of Neil's hands pushing him and that he needed to hurt and get hurt and couldn’t fucking stop, like a dam that had broken and a valley getting flooded.

"What? No." Big brown eyes are blinking in confusion. "I just didn't want you to-"

Nobody wants Billy to do anything.

"Pussy," Billy sneers. He's about to snap. Everything hurts and it's not enough.

Steve grabs his collar. Yanks it. "We can talk. Outside."

Finally. Billy stumbles after him, cold air hitting his hot skin.

"I bet you still can't throw a punch." He needs Harrington to move first. Otherwise he can't.

"Jesus, I don’t want to fucking hurt you."

Steve's hand lets go of his collar and rests against Billy's face. Billy bites his tongue, so he doesn’t flinch.

It's not a slap, not a punch, not even a scratch. Steve's finger carefully strokes his cheek. Cups it. It doesn’t hurt.

Tension bleeds out of Billy's shoulders and it's scary, because he needs to hurt. It's all he wants and all he deserves.

"What are you doing?" It was supposed to be a warning, a threat, but it comes out weak and shaken.

Steve shrugs. "What feels right."

It does feel right. Steve's palm is warm against his face. Billy inhales.

He feels real. It's a twist he didn’t expect. Maybe he can survive, somehow.

"Don't stop."

[danieyells]

I find the idea of Ren being a pervert so nice bc he seems like the least likely at plain sight to be like that, a few times he invited them over to watch movies after working in Jabberwock hoping that you leave something behind and more times than he wants to admit he came to the fantasy of you sitting on his face

He plays mobile games and you think he's the least likely to be a pervert? I guarantee you he is, at minimum, into all sorts of weird 2d shit--trust me, i'm just like that.

But yeah I can absolutely see him being a pervert! He doesn't have anywhere in his room to sit for when he invites you over for movies so, uh, sit on this pillow. He's got more than one pillow for his bed, stop making it weird. Of course after you go home he's huffing that pillow while he jerks off, cursing himself for being so gross but very much lost in the smell.

He doesn't know how to approach you socially so he fantasizes about you instead. After Haru returned the uniform of his that he had you wear he didn't even wanna wash it. It's not like he wore it much at that point anyway, it smelt more like you than it did like him. . .it'd be a waste, right? He's not sure if he wants to wear it or smell it more. (Getting a new one is expensive so he ends up wearing it of course.) If nothing else that you wore it makes it a lot better. If only he'd gotten to see you in it. . .he would never be brave enough(or willing to put forth enough effort) to but it's fun for him to imagine catching you in his clothes, 'getting mad,' taking them off of you. . .all your clothes got wet and dirty, were you even wearing anything under it then? Oh no, he's real hard at the thought. . . .

But most of his fantasies are in line with his usual interests. Not having to do anything at all. You come to him--you seduce him or push him around a little, tease him for getting hard, then. . .it varies a bit from there. You ride him or sit on his face or suck him off or whatever. Sometimes he gets so pent up he turns things around in his own fantasy and isn't so passive. Sometimes he's a little kinder to himself in his fantasies and it's more gentle and loving--you confess and things escalate. . . .

Or you sleep over--in his room for some reason--and he molests you in your sleep. Or you do it to him. . . .

And of course the more fantastical ideas. . .you get to be the couple in every horror movie that sneaks off to screw. Of course, you don't die in the fantasies, but the idea of being in a scary scenario and you only care about him. . .it's stupid, but it pleases him emotionally too. He's nobody special or important or interesting or strong like other ghouls but maybe that's what you'd want, just like him. All of this crazy stuff, the anomalies, it's too much--something ordinary fits you both way better.

. . .on the other hand he's watched enough hentai to think some of the anomalous plants and animals could have more. . .interesting effects. Maybe you're helping out and he told you you should just hide with him instead of working, you shouldn't help them, but you come to him needy and desperate because of some weird plant Towa's keeping. . . .

He can't be bothered to try and get away with being perverse towards you anywhere but in his own head but he thinks about it. If not for that Japanese phones are forced to have the shutter sound on them he'd have so many pictures of you on his phone. . . . He'd be a total hypocrite if he was open about it anyway--he complains about everything minutely able to be interpreted as harassment himself and then he harasses someone else? And who's not gonna believe that the loser loner sexually harassed somebody? He'd get in trouble right away! And with all your connections the last things he needs are members of every house hunting him down. Including his own. He can't hide forever. That's way too much effort just to satisfy himself once or twice.

Nah, he'll keep it in his head. He'll imagine groping you in the dark during movies and sleepovers and acting like some anomaly snuck in and did it if you ask. Try and peek at you in the shower when you stay over--or, think about it anyway because somehow Haru or Towa would definitely stop him. Maybe he could get some kind of little spy cam for the bathroom. . . . If you stay over or get messy while helping out again, they'll take care of the laundry here, he'll let you borrow his clothes again, and if your underwear occasionally go missing well. . .that happens with laundry sometimes, right? Hey, you think that's an anomaly too, whatever makes clothes go missing?

He'll bump his leg against yours to know what it feels like to touch you. You'll be watching scary moves in the dark and he'll grab you to startle you--no, it was too dark, he didn't realize he was grabbing your ass/thigh/chest, he swears! He did clamp his hand over your mouth on purpose though--he just didn't want anybody else to wake up! And yeah maybe that ended up with him holding you to his chest--that was incidental. He just thought it'd be funny. Sorry. Feel something against your back? What're you talking about?

I think he'd make a great pervert, just a very cowardly one haha. He keeps it inside or just hopes things end up working out in his perverse favor. Probably hates himself for it a little bit too--he'd hate if someone was like this towards him after all! Why should he think he's any less repulsive?

[moon7jay]

i think ppl want to be famous by plagiarizing works that had gone popular. personally i don't think being famous is important. i think doing what you love even if your not good at it and creating your own works is what matters because thats your own achievement and you did try. the effort will be worth it and plus we will improve.

Yeah exactly, and i get that ppl wanna be famous, but again, what's the point? 😭 this is an app where ppl are with their fake names, nobody knows them out of their works, there's nothing like brand deals or money as per the likes you have. So it just. It's a waste.

You're totally right anon, who cares if the quality of writing is not up to par, everyone starts somewhere and improvement is a perpetual process, there's no shortcut to it.

[confessions-official]

I don't want your pity! Stop pitying me! It makes me want to shrivel up and hide in a hole and keep QUIET about my problems, not talk about them. I just want friends! People who actually interact with me and treat me like a person and a friend and not just someone they need something from or to have small conversation about shared interests that don't go much deeper! I want people who reblog posts saying shit like "if we're mutuals we're friends" and actually mean it for once! I want people to WANT to talk to me without me always Always ALWAYS being the one to try and do it first (not that it matter, since it gets ignored anyway)! Always saying they wanna talk about stuff, but when I try to, BUT WHEN I TRY TO, I never ever ever hear anything back from any of them! Stop telling me it will get better. Its been over a decade! Its not getting better. I hardly had any friends growing up and never had a best friend, now I am an adult with no friends. I am in my 30s and still dont have any deep or meaningful connections to anyone because nobody will even give me a chance. It doesn't matter if its offline or online. The results are always the same. I have people at work who share my interests, who KNOW we share interests, but there's 0 effort to try and do more about it even when I try to! Why do people act shocked when folks like me want to kill ourselves. People only care when its too late. And then lament they could have done something. And then it happens again. And then they lament they could have done something. And it happens again. And it happens again. And it happens again. "Things will be fine!" "It will work out!" "It will be okay!" Ok but when? when? when? When I turn 40? 50? I can't wait any longer on a "when" that's actually a "maybe." I need a "now" to know I can start LIVING or at least a "the truth is, it never will" so I know there's no point in continuing and wasting mine and everyone's time. I'm running out of time and refuse to waste any more of it being pitied.

 

[plutobutartsy]

ohoho i shall be (evil face)

di i demand to be the first to be informed about new oc developments!!!!! >:(

but in the meantime i'm kicking down your door and making you listen to my oc rambles (also tagging holly @swanconcerto cause she seemed interested hehe)

for one i found a drawing of Briar c:

this is like his fancy special occasion outfit he doesn't normally dress like that (to Evie's chagrin). he usually dresses in like a casual dark academia style? lots of sweater vests and black but also red sometimes!

i only have old drawings of Evelyn that don't match how i imagine her anymore so :((

okay anyway i wanna ramble about them being cute together so !!! first meeting!!!

they first met at the grocery store that Briar works at and like. it was a mess.

yes, Briar usually pretends to be very arrogant but he's still at the very least polite to the customers

so imagine the crisis his manager goes through when Evie comes in and Briar is just unbelievably rude to her😭

she comes up to him and asks if he can show her where the flour is and he's like "find it yourself or ask somebody else" and then he fucking bolts to the break room

it's not on purpose okay he's a loser and saw a pretty girl and his mind just shut down so he acted on reflex

meanwhile Evie is all like "okay wow this is the first time i worked up the courage to ask a worker for help and this happens. what if i die."

Briar's manager jumps in and helps her and then immediately rushes off to scold Briar

the only reason he didn't get fired on the spot was because this is the first time this happened and also Briar just looks like he's ready to pass out right then and there so the manager takes pity

Briar is panicking because "nooOoOOoooo i was a dick to the pretty girl i have no chance now" and Evie is panicking because "omg i must have said something wrong oh god this dude hates me now i can never come back here"

they're so fucking stupid i love them

Evelyn avoids the grocery store for a while because she's absolutely MORTIFIED but her efforts all went to waste because Briar shows up at HER place of work

total accident btw because he was also completely mortified, but his sister is a regular there and recommended it to him

(it's his 3rd sister btw!! the 20ish one who likes bugs, she's probably the closest with Briar out of all 4 siblings)

Evie sees him come in and almost fucking explodes on the spot

Briar sees her behind the counter and goes through 25 stages of grief at once

it's right after lunch rush so they're basically alone safe for the old lady sitting in the corner and Makena in the back room

Briar wants to apologize but he just can't lol but he does manage to not be inncredibly rude again

it's like really fucking awkward i can't lie HAHAGDD

but when he goes to order he asks for Evie's recommendation and she's like :O so he doesn't hate me??

he actually sits down at the counter even though he finds it terrifying

and anyway he really likes the pastery she recommended him so he's like "wow these are rly good do you guys get them delivered or do you make them yourselves?"

and Evelyn fucking loses it because !!!! i made those!!!!!!!!! and she's just so happy and goes on a ramble about how she tried a new recipe and these are a bit of an experiment and oh she was just so scared nobody would like them

and then BRIAR is in his head all like "!!!! if i come here again!!! i get to talk to her AND eat delicious stuff she makes!!!!!!!!"

like he doesn't even care that it has no nutritional value for him lol

more silly shenanigans once they get closer/start dating

so much food omg he cooks for her and she bakes for him

words of affirmation is deffo a love language they share

Briar's is also gift giving and remember his family is loaded

Evie can't go into any store with him because the second she looks interested in something he already bought it

Evie is big on physical touch. ALWAYS holding hands. a billion forehead kisses. like thank god they don't go to the same school because they would make everybody SICK

they're both so impressed by the others powers

Evie makes something float and Briar loses his mind because WOW THSTS SO COOL!!!!

Briar and vampire speed. he's like a 10 year old trying to impress his crush in p.e. like "look how fast i can run!!!" it's very silly but Evelyn still claps for him

there's like a lake near them in the woods and Evie is like "hear me out what IF you throw me across all the way to the other side of the lake and then you run there and catch me can you do that??" and Briar's all like girl you are insane

but they do it anyway and it's Evie's favourite thing

Evie takes him to broom races and he almost died when he saw just how fast she actually flies on that fucking stick with no safety nets whatsoever

also takes him with her on some regular flights and he likes the view but the height is also scary. like he trusts her fully but GOD

Evie was devastated when she found out that vampires can't turn into bats

[ariesvibe]

How do you know that someone is genuinely your friend and that person actually likes you and doesn't secretly despise you? Sorry if this is a bit obnoxious or if it sounds a bit paranoid, it's just i wanna make mire friends but nobody's interested and ive tried so hard but nothing seems to work.

Ps. I don't want to bother you or waste your time so you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

In my opinion, the efforts, behaviour and vibes tell everything. Even tho words often lie but efforts and vibes don't, whether it's a relationship or friendship. I don't make much friends, just 2 or 3, but I want them to see by my side till the end (idk if it's possible or not).

Don't take interest in someone who's not interested in you. Always take interest somewhere your feelings get reciprocated.

I'll prefer my 2 or 3 loyal and caring friends over a bunch of hypocrites.

[managician-tls]

Basketball at Dusk - Confrontation 3 (9/10)

The final part of this chapter made me cry a little... I had so much trouble picking what screenshots to use! botaasu are such a sweet senpai-kouhai pair.

Featured characters: Botan, Asuka, Himari, Renren

Location: Gym

Botan: 150 to 0.

After the 150th point, I haven't kept proper track of the score.

It might be good to wrap things up here. The sun seems to be setting down, too.

Asuka: No, n-not yet! Just a little more, I've almost got it!

Botan: You're just bluffing.

I think you've tried your best, Momochi-san. However, it's important to know when to give up, too.

If you push yourself any further, you're going to get hurt.

Asuka: I don't care about that!

I'm here to stop you from quitting, Komacchi-senpai, that's all there's to it!

There's nobody else to do it... Nobody but me!

That's why, if I give up here... I'll be a disgrace, to both myself and the rest of the club members!

Botan: I see. But the passage of time is cruel, you see?

The sun has set already. It'll become dark soon.

This'll be the last play of the match.

Asuka: I won't give up until the end...

I look up to you, Komacchi-senpai, so I don't want you to leave.

Until the very end, I'll fight with all I've got!

Botan: I see. Okay, then. Since this is the end, Momochi-san — my last shot will be a farewell gift, from me to you.

Asuka: A farewell gift? No, this is no farewell!

From here on, I still wanna play basketball with you, Komacchi-senpai!

Botan: Too bad.

I'll be throwing the shot from here.

Asuka: T-This is...

Botan: Yes. With its high trajectory... It's a three-point shot that nobody can reach.

Sorry. Even though you're playing seriously...

Momochi-san, you won't be able to lay a single finger on the ball.

Because this shot will go in.

Asuka: We don't know that it will! We won't know until the end!

I say the shot will not go in!

I'll get under the goal and pick up the rebound! And so, I'll win!

Botan: You're wasting effort.

Even if you keep chasing and chasing after me... There's a gap beyond belief that you won't be able to bridge.

That gap — it's what people call "talent".

Asuka: N— No way...

Botan: The shot went in.

Sorry, Momochi-san.

It seems I might be loved by God himself, just a little.

Asuka: ...I lost. Losing feels this frustrating, huh.

...I'll put the ball we used away.

Himari: Mochimochi, Komatsu Botan, hol' up just a seeec!

Botan: ...What is it?

Himari: Take a good look outside the gym!

The sun hasn't gone down yet!

Don't you see it? At the foot of the mountain, there's the sunset, shining radiantly!

It's not gone yeeeettt!

Renren: Momochi-san, you did it, le ♪ With your strong will to not give up, you managed to seize an upset victory, le ♪

Asuka: F-For real...!?

Botan: ...I see. So, it's my loss?

Congrats. Momocchi.

Are you alright, fallen down on the floor like that? Want me to lend you a hand?

Asuka: Yeah... Just a little is fine, so...

I want you to hug me, Komacchi-senpai... Just for a little while.

Botan: Mm. I got you. Is it fine like this?

Asuka: Ah... Yes. Looks like I've used up all my strength...

I'm still inexperienced, huh... But, I'm happy.

Maybe it's because I'm relaxed now... But I'm kinda, growing... sleepy...

Botan: ...She fell asleep.

Everyone, I'm sorry for making you keep us company.

But, for the first time in a while, I really had fun.

Himari: ...? Hey, could it be that you...?

You lost on purpo... mmghn!? H-Hey! Don't go covering my mouth as you please!

Botan: Hm? I don't know what you're talking about... ♪

There's just one thing to say... I lost to Momocchi's passion when I was meant to lose, that's all.

So, to show my respect towards Momochi-san, it might be nice to call her "Momocchi", just for now ♪

Himari: ...I agree. Have a good look at Mochimochi's happy, sleeping face.

What tried to steal it away — it was none other than your own foolishness.

Botan: Mhm.

Himari: Well then, Lackey-kun and Ryusenji Renren. You two head home first, got it?

If you stay here much longer, you'll make that nagging Disciplinary Committee president angry at you.

Renren: That's right, de~ It's not good to get in the way of a master and her disciple, de ♪

Botan: Mm. Leave the rest to me.

...What a cute sleeping face, hm?

If you show me such a smile, I won't be able to go through with quitting anything at all.

No, that's not it. I won't say I'll quit, not anymore.

Since it seems Momocchi still needs me here.

Geez. You're one troublesome junior, aren't you, Momocchi?

...Thank you.

◀ Chapter 8 • all • Epilogue ▶

[tantumuna]

i cannot tell you how much it sucks when you post a story you're really happy with and had a great time writing and not only is the response basically crickets but you actually LOSE subscribers over it. no one even willing to give it a chance but on top of that people who thought it was the last straw in following you??

thought i could at least make a brand/community out of being the Rarepair Writer™ but that hasn't gotten me anything. writing the popular ships didn't get me anything. I've been a witcher fan for years and i have literally 0 community to show for it. never found a place for me or my stuff and it's so fucking discouraging. it's taking all my strength to not delete the fic entirely. hell why not just delete my ao3 account? who cares. i don't get comments. nobody wants to talk to me about my work. and it just gets worse every year. it gets worse the more i focus on writing stuff for myself—even though according to all the advice, that's what you're supposed to do!!

hard not to think the problem is just me. people just don't like ME so it doesn't matter what i do because i'm the problem. really just makes me wanna give up fanwork all together. the fun i have making it really pales in comparison to how fucking miserable i am watching all my effort go to waste.

[the-firebird69]

few things to say **** **** is one of them And you're nasty nasty **** are saying the wrong thing basically you're having them doing 'cause you're very stupid and we don't wanna like sit here and have to say this kind of stuff but boy you freaking dumb people you're insulting us we're gonna come in and kill you and you know we have cover and you don't care so good.

This camper has made out of fiberglass and it weighs quite a bit the fiberglass itself is not massively thick it's only about 1/4 inch or a little less and it works OK it's fairly sturdy and kind of reacts like any other camper if you hit it but if you hit it it cracks and it makes a big mess inside and out and it's a huge pain to fix that's one thing wrong with it the other is when you're driving along it makes a stupid noise no it's aerodynamic that's a plus and you get better mileage that's pretty much the only plus it weighs more than a regular camper about 300 pounds at this size and you have to frame the walls in and it's teeny inside and it's gross. This **** knows it's gross and once people are using for some reason we don't know why except the plastic and it's a waste of time and he's an imbecile it takes too much effort to reduce fiberglass. In this plastic everywhere and you could grab it anywhere. So we see him like trying to promote it and if someone was really kind of inspiring it he said there must be a way of stamping it he said fiberglass is no good it never has been any good they tried it and it sucked it was how do you know I said where the **** would you not know and where to get the **** away from me you're at nobody. So he said that the guy got beat up people want him out this guy next door is an idiot. Don't care if he invents campers it's a good time. We went over a few things on what materials what we could use and how we'd use it came up with a couple ideas basically the stamped metal looks the best because you can take the stamped because you can take the stamped metal and you can install an insulated board using a spline system and it's a panel and it goes in on top of your there'd be the framing member so to speak it would be like an inch wide and only half inch deep and it's really with a metal is stamped thicker and you can have a rounded front and it would attach to the front of the two halves and there would be two halves but the sides would be flat it's an enormous pain to work on rounded edges and the rounded front is perfect for something like the kitchen and people don't think of it that way gas is right there the line is shorter less of a hassle and you can check the whole thing. And it uses space it is usually not usable and you still could vent it behind it and this is a huge enormous pain okay building a camper is enormously annoying. Teenage space and you have to try and live in it that's a good idea to use space like that economically people use it for storage it's not a bad idea but why not get the stove out of the way even a fridge would fit there and it's like this bump out that's useless you can put storage under it and people do that well there wouldn't be much under it so you're wondering why put the stove there well there's a bump that goes forwards and you would fit it in there and the bump would start halfway up and it still fit and you would have a few hood and it would go out of hand and you can even vent it through the bump. So the rest of the camper you could have for seating or some storage in your kitchen in the sink and seating and TV in a bedroom instead of using it all for a kitchen and you need a bathroom of course but really they use a lot of space up front with that stupid bum and a lot of people just put a fake one and it's a wasted damn time this would be stamped metal so he was curious if it would work and if it would be strong kind of knows it would be and you welded together along the whole scene and you put some plates to connect it and really it's not needed

contd

Thor Freya

Olympus

[redxxstrings]

tai is so. i'm coming apart at the seams, pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams. perfect boys with their perfect lives, nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy. i don't want to be a footnote in someone's happiness. but i will never end up like him, behind my back, i already am. i wanna scream "i love you" from the top of my lungs, but i'm afraid that someone else will hear me. you can only blame your problems on the world for so long before it all becomes the same old song. that time my dad caught me a horse shoe crab, and i asked him if throwing it back into the sea would bring our luck back. tell that boy i'll leave you alone, like a stove, i'll turn my love down. i got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. my mind is a safe, and if i keep it, then we all get rich. my body is an orphanage, we take everyone in. i keep my jealousy close 'cause it's all mine. nothing comes as easy as you, can i lay in your bed all day? hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday. isn't it messed up how i'm just dying to be him? these words are all i have so i write them. i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive, now i only waste it dreaming of you. i keep telling myself i'm not the desperate type, but you've got me looking in through blinds. and i spin for you like your favorite records used to. i will sing to you everyday if it will take away the pain. i am a diamond on the inside, just add the pressure; know it's inside me, but i got no map to my own treasure. late at night, lie awake, think of you. i can't be who you need me to be. i carved out a place in this world for two, but it's empty without you. i got all this love i've got to keep to myself; all this effort to make it look effortless. i've unspooled on the floor, i feel so "a star is born." talking to the mirror, say, "save your breath, half your life you've been hooked on death." twice the dreams, but half the love; be careful what you bottle up. the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two out of three ain't bad.

[earnono]

I don't know why i keep thinking like this. I just don't really think i'm good enougj to draw thdm. I'm not smart so I don't think I fully understand dimi at all. Like i spent so much hours on fixing dimitirs face and he still looksbad. Nobody cares about byleth so i don't put effort on him. Ive wasted money on making m dimileth prints and they're not selling at all. Im honestly regret making it in the first place. Every m dimileth stuffs I've made i regret. Idk kniw what to do with them. Selling them international wont work. So spensy and not much interest.

i don't think i understand dimileth at all so thats why my drawing is not banging. I wanna talk about dmlt but i get so embarrassed and afraid. I think i just wanna chat . I feel like i can't express my drawing well. Truly a skill issue😔 I am jelly in lots of things. How can i make these go away cus im honestly wanna punch the things I haet that i keep on seeing even tho ive muted them pew pew

I like dmlt but I feel like my brain's not that smart to fully comprehend them, especially Dimitri and his feelings. Maybe it's because of how I haven't actually played BL, just watched. I'm having a hard time drawing Dimitri. I feel like I'm not doing him justice. He's the more popular character of the ship so he should be good looking. Sorry for not makkng him look good. That's why I'm just leaning to Byleth more, cus he's not that much. I could think what I him to be then that's that. Sorry for feminizing him with all the goddess bs even though he's a guy. I kept reading that many don't like feminizing guys/uke in m/m relationships cus its bad.

[marshmallowprotection]

i notice in saeran's route is how he and saeyoung always gets compared constantly (by the rfa and maybe other ppl as well)and its understandable since their difference is largely different despite them having almost the same appearance

but how would these choi twins feel about an mc with a fraternal twin? like we're kind of similar (hair/eye color wise)? in appearance except that he's a guy? though i always get compared by him- he's more responsible, caring, and smart so when people know that we're twins they always gets this kind of expectation that i should be some way similar to him which I'm not, i think im self-focused and impulsive. idk how it'd end up this way, maybe because my mom liked to matched us with everything when were young? (i didn't really liked it when she does that i wanna be my own person but i didn't want to ruin my mom having fun) so im like tired of being thrown in the shadow, and recently i just got scolded for being selfish and not being as successful as he is because unlike me im not really good at practical stuff i dread living a boring life routinely and im not really obedient to my parents i like living my own life. but i don't dislike my brother he got issues too lol he's such a people pleaser which i dont understand why he takes effort in pleasing others when other people probably will never be satisfied whatever you do..!

I think GE saeran and SE saeran are the ones most connected to saeyoung how would they feel about this??

GE Saeran has had to walk a long road when it comes to his relationship with his brother. He adored him, he hated him, he was indifferent to him, he wanted him gone, he wanted him back, and every other emotion in the book. He was the younger twin that could never match up. His mother made him feel like a waste of space. 

She only kept him so that she could control Saeyoung and make him stay and do whatever she wanted. He was always wrong... never good enough. So, he knows what it feels like to mean nothing to your parents. Siblings have a rocky relationship in most families, but especially ones where nobody is treated as they should be. He knows your grief like the back of his hand. 

However, he also understands that people will use your relationship with your family against you. Rika manipulated him over his brother. She made him think that Saeyoung abandoned him forever and ran away. He is aware that parents are able to tell you lies and make it seem like something is what it isn’t. He will be the first one to tell you to sit down with your brother and understand his side of things. You may not have the full picture. There are golden children and a lot of scapegoats out there. You never know what’s really going on until you talk. He learned that. 

SE Saeran has been through this song and dance twice. He had his birth mother treat him like a waste of space that was only good for ensuring that she got any money for alcohol, and then his second mother treated him like a tool that had to constantly prove himself to be anything in her eyes. 

He grew to resent his twin for what happened to him, regardless of how it ended up and why, and to this day, he’s on the cusp of struggling with what it means to care about your family, if you even should. So, he knows exactly what you mean when you say that you feel like nobody thinks you’re as good as your brother. He hates that feeling so damn much. He would never want you to compare yourself to someone else like that. It’s just... exhausting. 

However, it’s important to note that he understands at a base level that he was manipulated by the adults in his life. Even if he knows the situation is never quite as it seems... he’s not going to suggest talking to your sibling about that, he is a far more likely candidate to suggest that you look harder at how your family does you and your sibling, as well as looking to see if your sibling goes along with the hurtful attitude. There’s a difference and considering he was too blinded by trust to see his problem, he’d want to guide you into giving yourself a chance. Not the people around you. Yourself. You’re the only one who matters when it comes to a view of yourself.

[lsholland]

London Lights (pt. 1) - Tom Holland

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader (1st person)

Genre: Party!Tom

Warnings: swearing; alcohol; nothing much but I don’t recommend -18 to read.

Word count: 1.9k

Author’s note: Hey guys! That’s my first story on this blog. I hope you’ll like it. I’m not native so there may be a few mistakes. I’m trying a new genre of fiction. It’s my first Tom Holland fiction. It’ll be a series of 2-3 chapters. If you want to be part of the master list for Tom please like this post and message me. 

Synopsis: Quarantine has been tough. I’ve lost my boyfriend, and I’m feeling lonely. Clubs and restaurants are open again, but I feel like it’ll never be like it used to. My friends have been pushing me to install Tinder and go on dates. Well, tonight, I’m going on a date. I don’t really want to but I’m going to try and have fun for once. Just a few drinks and I’ll go home. What else could happen?

PS. You can read the story on Wattpad.

What am I doing here? I think to myself.

I matched with this guy on this famous dating app . . . And now I'm supposed to meet him here, at this bar. But I don't want to. I'm just hoping he won't show up so I can escape from this shit-place.

I've been seated at the table for a good 5 minutes. The waitress cleans up the table next to mine and asks if I'm ready to order.

No, I want to leave.

I quickly glance at the drinks menu.

"Ehm . . . A pour over Irish coffee, please."

She nods and leaves. I don't even know what I just ordered. I hope it tastes good. Hopefully it'll make me drunk enough not to remember this awful date.

It hasn't even started yet.

I'm sweating.

"Hey there" says a husky voice right behind me.

I turn around and see my date. His name is Jordan. He's good-looking and I bet he's intelligent, but I don't have this feeling with him. I don't know why I accepted to go on a date in the first place. It's awkward.

"Hey!" I grin.

"Have you ordered something already?" he asks, touching his short, clean beard. "I'm thirsty!"

He looks nice.

*

The waitress hands me my third drink. They help the clock tick a little faster.

He's been talking about his job, his passions. He loves football and practises daily. He has 2 sisters and lives in Camberwell.

Cute.

For a moment, I feel sad for him. He drove all the way to this East London bar, put effort trying to look nice and being cool . . . and yet, he doesn't know it but he has no chance to get lucky tonight. Not with me.

I shouldn't be sorry.

But I am.

I glance around looking for something that might be a little more entertaining than him. I realise I've avoided eye contact since he arrived. I finally glimpse at him. He has beautiful hazel eyes.

Still not enough.

I quickly check my phone. It's getting late. I don't know how to end this.

"Look," I slightly bend over the table. "I'm so sorry but I don't feel like it tonight"

"I noticed." He smirked. "Kinda awkward, innit?"

I chuckle. I am so embarrassed.

"It's okay, though." He added. "I'm just trying to meet new people. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. My mates told me I should try these apps."

Okay, now I feel worse than ever. He's been so nice with me and that's how I treat him. I grab my drink and gulp it down.

I shouldn't have done this.

"Let's go dance. I owe you one." I say as I grab his hand and walk towards the dancing area. It becomes difficult to keep my head straight.

I'm drunk, I must admit.

I'm going to regret it, my sober-self shouts in my head.

I don't care is what I reply.

The dancing area is not crowded, but there are already a few people. Most of them are girls.

Girls . . . I wish my friends were not so busy all the time. I would've come to this bar with them instead of wasting my time with strangers.

I start dancing. I stare at him. He looks amused.

A group of guys join the dancefloor and all the girls on my right start screaming. It's so high pitched I cringe.

"What the fuck guys?" I shout, trying to focus on the music.

"Woah, that's Spider-Man!" says my date. He grabs my chin and makes me look in his direction.

No way, I think. It's actually him.

I know he lives in the area, but I've never met him before. It's always weird to see movie stars in real life. They look so much more attractive.

He is so much more attractive.

I try not to be a drunk fangirl and shyly wave to him. He doesn't notice.

"You wanna go and take a picture with him?" my date asks.

"Oh, no, no!" I answer. I'm blushing. "I don't even know what I'd tell him."

He laughs.

The worst thing that could happen is to annoy him during a night out. He needs privacy and I must respect it.

But it's so difficult.

I can't stop staring at him. I don't even control it. Being drunk doesn't help.

"D'you want a beer?" I ask my date whose name I completely forgot.

He nods.

I weave my way through the crowd. I can't believe there are so many people on the dancefloor. The area is so busy since the Spider-Man actor walked in.

Even the bar area is crowded.

I let my body rest against a barstool but quickly lose balance and almost fall on the dirty floor. The flickering lights are making me feel dizzy. I grip the counter and get up. I peer around to make sure nobody saw me.

He did.

I dust off my dress trying to save the dignity I have left.

"Want something?" someone asks behind me. I turn around, it's the barman.

"Two pints of Guinness, please."

I glance back at the same spot, but he's gone. It must've been a dream. I'm so drunk I can't trust everything I think I see.

I'm grabbing both my drinks and look around trying to find my date, but there are too many people. I take a sip of my beer and hold the other one above my head.

Someone hits my arm.

Oh no.

"Oh my God I'm so sorry!" yells the drunk blond girl.

I look at my dress. It's soaking wet. I politely smile at her. "It's okay," I mouth.

What a mess. I glance at the lavatory door. I need to go and save my dress.

"You haven't been lucky here."

I turn around to find out who's talking to me.

It's him. Tom Holland. Talking to me.

"What?" is all I manage to say.

"Do you need a hand?" he politely asks.

I blush so much it's noticeable in the dark.

I'm choking. I'm panicking.

I give him my two beers and walk towards the lavatory. I'm surely starstruck. And drunk. This isn't a good mix.

Once in the room, I grab a handful of tissues and try to soak up my dress. I groan. Did I expect to make that beer mark disappear? Yes. Did it work? Of course not.

I watch my face in the mirror.

I look like shit, I think.

A door slams shut. Two young girls just walked in.

"OH, MY G—THAT'S TOM HOLLAND!" shouts one. They are both panting.

I roll my eyes.

Oh . . . I've given him my beers. What about my date?

"Shit!" I hiss.

I violently open the door and frown my eyebrows as the lights blind me.

He's just here gazing at me. Two beers in his hands. One of them is half empty, the rest being displayed on my dress.

"I'm so sorry!" I say embarrassed as ever.

He smirks. "No worries." He hands me the full glass of beer.

I give him a questioning look as I grab it. What about the other one? Oh, right—He's drinking it.

"What's your na—"

I stop him.

"I know who you are." I peer down. "I'm sorry I didn't wanna disturb you" I say as I'm walking away.

This time I'm smart enough to avoid the crowd on my way out.

"That's rude to leave without saying goodbye!" Tom shouts from a distance.

I turn around and stare at him. He's got a soft smile; he doesn't look drunk at all. I wave him goodbye.

Now, he's approaching me.

"I meant to your boyfriend" he nods in the direction of my date who was dancing with a group of other people.

"He's not my—" is all I can say before he chuckles.

"I figured."

"How?" I clench my jaw. I'm hypnotised by his hand running through his hair. And his smile. And his lips.

"I can barely hear you," he points at a booth in the corner of the room "maybe we could sit there" he suggests.

My mouth softens into a smile.

It's difficult to walk with Tom Holland. Every couple of seconds he's stopped by fans requesting a picture. And he accepts every time.

I'd never be so patient.

"What's that?" he asks.

"It must be so annoying sometimes." I tell him as I sit on the booth.

"When they're nice and ask me, it's cool." He chooses to sit next to me. I can feel his arm touching mine. My heart is racing. He uses his other arm to hold his chin; he looks at me with so much intensity. Sometimes peering down my lips.

His face is so close, but he keeps talking. I can feel his breath on my skin. I'm going to burst into flames. "But when they're taking pictures without asking first, that's delicate."

I nod. I can't really listen to what he's talking about. I'm trying not to lose control.

"So, what's your name?"

He smiles when I tell him. "Why did you leave your date alone?" he asks.

I'm so nervous I stutter. I can't find my words. "I . . . I wasn't in the mood. He knows it. I shouldn't have come here."

"I'm happy you came." He says looking me in the eyes.

I raise my eyebrows. "Are you flirting with me?"

He barks out a laugh and breaks the eye contact. He rests his head on the wall behind us.

He isn't as confident as I thought he'd be. I don't know what's up with him, but I enjoy it.

I suddenly remember he's a movie star. He's always being watched. I glance at the crowd and see flashing lights. They're taking pictures of us.

I'm getting dizzier.

I don't want to see my face on a dumb article talking about Tom Holland's mysterious partner. I don't even know him.

"This is stupid" I mumble.

Tom is intrigued. He hasn't got a clue what I'm talking about. He hasn't even noticed the fans stalking him.

"I'm sorry, I gotta go" I abruptly say as I stand up. "Have a good night."

I grab my phone and leave the venue. I'm upset because I really wish I could've met him in a different context. I open my Uber app: there's no driver available.

Shit.

How's that even possible on a Friday night? In London?

I refresh the app, but it doesn't work. I guess I'll have to walk home.

A part of me wants to go back in this bar and spend time with Tom. He's sweet and I'm sure we would've had so much fun together. I glance through the window trying to see his face one last time, but I can't find him.

"What are you looking for?"

I cringe.

"Oh, sorry I didn't mean to startle you."

It's him. It's Tom.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Going home too. The fun of the party is leaving . . ." he sighs. I smile back at him. I'm embarrassed.

I stand in front of him, none of us say a word. It's awkward. I'm getting anxious and walk away. I'm so overwhelmed.

He grabs my shoulder. "Wait, are you walking home?"

"Yeah, it's okay don't worry." I smile.

"I can drive you home."

"Sorry, but you've been drinking. I won't let you drive me." I curtly say.

He grins. He looks at one of his mates and nods.

"No way I'm letting you walk home alone," he sighs "besides, you're drunk."

"Come with me then" I instantly reply without thinking.

He nods.

What?

He's coming with me. My heart is racing. I won't survive a 30-minute drunk walk with him.

Not with his beautiful glossy eyes staring at me.

Not with my burning desire to kiss him.

[leniinero]

November 4th 2021 4:49am

Throwback posts//

December 1st 2020

There have been times in my life especially lately where I've needed someone to talk to because I feel so down and lonely and have reached out and those very people either straight up said "no, not here for all of that" or "i try to keep positive so I'd rather not listen to sad stuff" or "not this again!....just cheer up! Think happy thoughts!"

Okay. Great. That's so easy. 😒

Um okay. So next time people wonder why I'm so quiet and keep to myself. This is why.

I dont want to bother anyone.

No one looks out for Lenii. Am I supposed to have this figured out by 31? Like is that there blueprint?

I scream but nobody listens.

Clinical depression is real and it brings a mess of friends. There's a block party in our heads that we weren't invited to.

The demons ain't the only ones up at night.

January 14, 2020

People dont understand how severe depression can be and how it affects everyone differently.

People really think you just dont care about the way you look, how clean your area, your schooling, your health is etc. You do care, you always care, you're just sucked so deep in your head that doing anything else seems impossible. You cant get over depression or even work on it when people around you, those that claim to love/care for you, give you shit. And say "it's a phase"; "get over it, pull yourself out of it!" Dont you think if it were that easy mental illness would be a thing? Ever?

It's like those 80s movies or that episode of Supernatural where you're running from the monster you cant see....or hear but you know it's there because you sense it. It's there! So you run into your room, block the doors and windows, sit on your bed. And try to breathe, you think you're safe so you start to calm down so you can focus on what to do next. How to stay alive.

And right when all starts to seem well, the monster you thought you left on the other side of the door.....grabs you by the ankles and starts to pull you under the bed. You cry, you scream, you knock shit over. And all that left is a mess. A mess and your nail Marks on the floor.

We do know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, we just don't think we deserve to see it.

Instead of at least trying to understand or be there for this person or even just listening; you're judging and assuming.

Hey, how about you just ask? Or even a "hang in there buddy!" Would do just fine.

I'm over it. ✌

October 17, 2020

#TMI

I dont just think people don't understand the severity of depression. If you couple it with anxiety, its even worse. I've had a clear plan in my head since my mom died in 2014, a plan of what I've wanted to do with my life. I've seen a post of about how they take months to do something that would only take 30 minutes because that's what depression does to you. Its more than a quick moment of sadness or uncertainty;its more than a funk. Its a serious thing that a lof of people just brush off when someone else has it. I think that's why "Glass House" is such an important song to me. Because its therapeutic even if it is sad. Because even if it increases the pain, it makes me feel understood. Even if it is by complete strangers like Kells & Naomi.

I spent all of my 20s in waste. I moved to another state to start over..Im almost 31 and I've done little to nothing to make these plans happen.

And what's worse is that people keep reminding me of how much of a fuck up I am. So when I over post about stuff that makes me happy, that's just me, trying to make myself happy. I dont mean to be annoying.

Ive tried to reach out to people that I thought cared about me, people I've known forever as a last ditch effort. But nothing. They've literally told me no. Don't wanna hear it. Id rather not listen to you talk about sad things..etc. This is why I just keep things to myself. (With the exception of this post)

So, lets talk about you....show me a picture or lyric or quote or link that helps you get through hard times.

I'm gonna have to do a separate post on these songs.