#but I do hope they let show!dm be as deranged as it is in the books

[beneath-the-willow-tree]

Adore Devil's Minion. Hate the idea that Daniel has to "save" or "fix" Armand. First of all, boring. Second of all, that's what Marius thought he was doing. Third — of all characters to attribute a savior complex to, Daniel "Poke the Bear" Molloy is by far the most laughable option.

[thatsthewrongwallcraig]

babe, first of all, I hope you doing well 🥰 and second, but not least important, i'll do love if write some toxic fluffy whith jack, where, after a argument, she hurts or puts herself in dangerous just to get revenge, but nothing really serius happens to her, they reconizing they're not in a helth reletionship, but they gonna try to be better for eachother, you also can add some smut if you like, but this is not part of the request. hope you liked the idea, but if you don't, let me know

xoxo

My dearest anon...this is a lot of things but not exactly fluffy and I'm sorry if I went too hard on it but toxic Jack Thurlow had me short circuiting 😵‍💫😵‍💫

The Pain Remains

Summary: This time you really lost the plot for good and now all you can do is to clean up your act.

Pairing: Jack Thurlow x fem!Reader

Word Count: ~1.6k

Content Warnings: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT! 18+!, Grim Dark Smut, Active Self Harm, Jealousy, Borderline Very Toxic Relationship, Two Idiots In Love Trying To Do Better, It's Very Mentally Ill In Here, Mutual Substance Abuse, Very Shitty Coping Mechanisms, Strong Hints Towards Sex Addiction, Mentions Of Public Sex, Angsty As Fuck, Positive Ending, Tho 🙆🏻‍♀️!

A/N: I know, this is a rather heavy one and if anyone of you feels the need to talk to someone: My DMs are always open. Don't hesitate to reach out!🖤

Tagging The Squad:

@crypticsewerslut @quicksilversg1rl @cc-luvr @icarus-star @milaeth @roryculkinsgf @roryculkinsbf @spookyorchid @arch1viste @whoareyoi @angelsanarchy @b4sementgrl @blueberrypancakesworld

If the past is just dust

Then the future could be our dream

If all we have is now, this eternity

Ignite my satisfaction, engulf me

- The Pain Remains I By Lorna Shore

Before you even really woke up, you were forced to acknowledge the raging hangover headache in your head. With eyes closed shut, you turned to the side, your hand haphazardly roaming over the silhouette of Jack's body, looking for a glimpse of comforting body heat or just anything to get your racing mind to shut up for a second.

How did you get into bed? At what time did you fall onto the mattress next to him?

You had no clue about any of that as you pressed your body against his back, the pungent aftertaste of cheap rum still lingering heavily on your tongue.

"Fucking hell…" You groaned into the nape of his neck, your nose buried deep in his curly, brown hair and yet you could still smell the remnants of last night's pot extravaganza all throughout the bedroom.

What in the everloving fuck had the two of you been up to last night? With relentlessly firing synapses and painfully overdriven neurons you searched your mind for answers, a flicker of a memory, at this point anything, really.

You couldn't help yourself but to let your face contort into various tortured grimaces as the rest of your body slowly came to. Your stomach felt horribly fucked and in dire need for something solid, although the mere thought of food alone had you nearly gagging. No, you needed something else to take the edge off before you even so much as got out of bed.

Whilst inhaling deep, unsteady breaths, you soaked in the calming smell of Jack's body; a mixture of pheromone-loaded sweat, musky deodorant and soft hints of vanilla coke.

Vanilla coke spiked with cheap rum. Your stomach dropped and turned in every possible direction at the reminder. Nearly every weekend played out in the same shit show again and again: Booze to kill the anxiety, weed to elevate your spirit and nearly deranged amounts of sex to eradicate and simply drown out every last painful sentiment that could possibly be felt.

On that notion your lips curled up into a crooked smile whilst your reader fingertips grazed down your boyfriends gently rising and falling again chest, gingerly drawing a circle or two around his navel before eventually tapping down to the waistband of his black and gray checkered shorts, a throbbing case of morning wood straining against the fabric already. Sucking your bottom lip between your teeth in a low gasp, you simply indulged yourself and allowed your hand to slip right past the waistband, fingers wrapping themselves around Jack's girth tenderly.

"Goddamn minx!" Jack hissed into the darkened bedroom and involuntarily jutted his hips against your hand.

"Want me to stop?" You whispered into the soft skin of his shoulder before biting down on it teasingly.

"No, please.", His voice was raspy enough to give you a broad idea about how much the two of you must've smoked last night, "I'm equal parts hungover and horny as fuck."

"Yeah, I thought so." You snickered while you started fisting his cock, generously smearing the pre-cum all over the sensitive tip to not stroke him sore with a dry palm.

"You're a fucking menace, you know that?" Jack stuttered, choking back a breathy moan while rocking is lap in quick rolls, practically fucking himself into your grip.

"Says the lunatic who'll take every and any given chance to fumble me in public? Finger fucking me in the cinema, really?" With a mischievous grin spreading all across your face, you fondly remembered that happening a few days ago.

"C'mon, you enjoyed that, cumming all over the seat like you did." Jack shot right back at you.

"Fair enough." You agreed, tightening the grip around his hard on slightly to drag a shaky sigh from his lips.

"Fuck, you know I can't last long that early into the day." Jack practically whined out, his hips thrusting harshly against your hand while you jerked him off.

"Oh, poor, little Jack." Your playfully mocking voice got lost in the glossy curls of his hair as you felt his entire body turning stiff against your torso.

"Say that again… please!" Jack was clearly about to come undone, needing that little push of humiliation to push past the threshold.

"Oh, you sick fuck.", You sneered into his ear, the tip of your nose hardly touching its shell, "Poor, little Jack Thurlow creaming his boxers just after a few minutes already, huh?"

"Good god, fuck, you're so mean!" It cascaded out of his mouth in a guttural moan as he rutted against your hand in a few last, shaky thrusts before white-hot ropes of cum ruined his boxers and your hand alike.

The milky fluid spouted all over your fingers and eventually down your wrist, causing a very sudden, sharp pinch of simmering pain.

"What the hell?!" You hissed and withdrew your hands from Jack's crotch, raising it up for the both of you to stare right at the scene of the crime.

"What…" Jack mumbled under his breath, his eyes going wide in shock.

Thin yet vigorous cuts thrown all over your wrist, bright red with inflammation and laced with a milky layer of Jack's cum, laughing right in your face about the current state of your mental health.

"What…no…NO!" Your voice flailed and trembled as you stared at your wrist with thrashing disbelief.

"I was clean for a year! This…this isn't happening, no!" A dull pang of pain shot right through your dehydrated head as you basically jumped off the mattress and stumbled towards the bathroom, nearly tripping over scattered clothing and a glass bong.

Unbridled waves of shame and disgusting rippled through your system as a supernova of blacked-out memories decided to implode inside your head. You'd been pissed last night, even furious with Jack about something…yeah..fuck..a call. Was it call? Yeah, of course, a call from is ex-fiancé Cleo, that fucking cunt. Dumped him because she couldn't handle Jack the way you could and now trying to patch things up again. Stupid twat.

"Hey, wait!" You heard Jack calling out to you from behind, coming right after you.

Your out of control body fell against the door frame of the bathroom as you hurried towards the sink, yanking at the faucet for icy cold water to cascade over your violated wrist. It stung and you winced at the sharp pain.

"Are you okay? What the hell happened!?" Jack huffed, only stopping in steps as he was right behind you, making his presence known by cupping your jittery frame with his body, his chin resting on your shoulder as his slender hands wrapped themselves around yours under the running faucet.

His thumb ghosted over the cuts, gently washing himself off of your sore skin.

"Obviously not, asshole!" It shot right out of you and you regretted it immediately.

"Hey, watch that mouth! Right now is not the time for that." He mumbled into the crook of your neck.

"Fuck, sorry��� I really lost the plot this time, huh?" Your voice was but a meak whimper.

"Maybe, but I got you. This is a temporary setback, yes, but not the end of the world, you hear me?" His tone rendered soft as he tried to calm you down.

"The cuts are shallow and if we take good care of them they'll heal without leaving a single scar. It'll be okay, yeah?" By now the water numbed your wrist out to the point that you didn't feel his thumb wiping you clean anymore.

"Uh-huh…I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for being such a fucking psycho, Jack." The shame and self-loathing doubled down on you, dragging you into an inevitable breakdown.

"Stop that right there! You're not a psycho and I don't love you any less, you understand?", He pressed himself to you as impossibly close as he could, "A little slip up like that won't scare me. I'll go through that hell right here with you, I promise. I'll never go anywhere and just leave you like that."

Everything inside of you came falling down, every painful emotion amped up by the raging hangover that ruled over your shaking muscles and you just let yourself fall against Jack in eventual defeat.

"I got you and we'll handle that together!"

[wandaluvstacos]

Chapter 41 of Good Investment is now up on my Patreon!

Good Investment is available at the $5/month tier. People who pledge $5 a month have access to not only Good Investment but The Sponsors series (ongoing), Pretty Things (complete), May the Blood Run Pure (complete), and Kept Man (complete), along with the $1/month tier books, the Reflections trilogy (ongoing) and The Halfwife (ongoing).

Adri Schvaneveldt has always felt split between two worlds. In one world, they are the adopted child of a large and conservative Mormon family. In another, she is the CEO of a burgeoning fashion empire that pushes boundaries. But in order to be the latter, Adri first has to find the funding. After gaining a hefty following as a social media influencer/model, Adri has the potential customers– if they can get a reliable production model pounded out. And that means a bit of groveling at the feet of investors, most of who have never even heard the term “non-binary”.

But Adri lucks out with Gideon Snow, whose youth and open mind bring much needed funds to make Adri’s dream of diverse, accessible fashion a reality. Of course, lifting a newborn company to its feet is no small task, and late nights drive Adri to occasional stays at Gideon’s nearby house, where their relationship begins stretching beyond business. Adri knows they can’t put an entire business venture at risk for the turbulent whims of their heart. But reason doesn’t always win out.

Excerpt:

“I’m not sure what we do about all of this,” Nandi said. “Do we just ride it out and hope Sofia learns to get a life? Calling the cops is out. So now what?”

“Don’t you have a restraining order?” Gideon asked Adri.

“Yeah, but enforcing it requires talking to the cops, which I don’t want to do.”

“What’s the point in having it then?”

“Because at the time I was desperate and I thought it would show Sofia I meant business. She did leave me alone for a few years after that.”

“I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to, but I think in this instance, getting the cops involved might scare her off your trail for a while. I mean… she staked out my house, Adri. That’s pretty fucking deranged. I can handle most of the talking with the cops, since it’s my house. She did this to both of us.”

“He is a rich white man,” Nandi told Adri, then leaned back to let the waiter plunk her drink down in front of her. “Cops might actually listen to him.”

Adri looked between Adri and Gideon, unsure. Gideon didn’t want to pressure her into anything, but at the same time he wanted this Sofia bitch away from both of them. If she got a visit from the police, it might cool her off for a while, if nothing else.

“I can’t prove the photo online was one she took, or the DM. It’s only instinct from years of dealing with her.”

“The DM came from someone named Got You with Love and her damn initials. She’s not subtle.”

Adri took a drink to avoid a response. It may take a few more days of online abuse before Adri really caved on this, and Gideon was willing to wait, though the longer they waited, the more the police would question why they hadn’t done anything earlier. They tended to wave away any harassment unless they were literal death threats, and even then.

“There’s still the option of sending Jay out to beat her ass,” Nandi muttered as she sipped her drink.

[hey1tsseren]

CHECKMATE

You sat down in the dimly lit room where you had been waiting for about 5 minutes now.

Looking up slightly, the shadow that was only mere steps away stood at the other side of the room causing your lips to form into a small manipulative smirk befor hiding it behind your usual apathetic face.

The boy wore a high school uniform, he had messy green hair and freckles covered his cheeks, he held a sadistic smile on his face as he looked at you as if he had won a shiny trophy.

Being the UA traitor yourself, you stared at the freckled boy who held a deranged look in his eyes as he looked at his “𝕕𝕒𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘”

All the watching, waiting and stalking held up to the glorious moment he thought.

He’d do anything for you, and you knew that, so what better than to play into his young gullible emotions.

He began to walk to the side of the room where you had resided in, at that moment you knew it was time to put on a show.

You began to tremble in “fear” as your back hit the wall. Although you physically looked afraid and helpless, anyone could see the malicious intent in your eyes.

That is, everyone except him.

“dont be scared my darling, I would never think about hurting you” he spoke as he brought his coarse had up to your soft cheek.

You shuddered in disgust at the look that he held in his eyes, the look saying that he had control over you. ‘𝐷𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑙.’ You thought.

You hated the thought of being looked down on, to be beneath somone. You loathed it, in those moments it took you everything to suppress the the muderous aura you started to give off.

A devious smirk played itself on your face as the boy brought his hand around your waist and pulled you forward causing you to meet his chest.

You looked at him, taking you hand and began caressing his cheek before you spoke.

“Izuku, you love me, do you not?”

beginning to get excited you smiled now having another pawn on your board, another move to make, another person to knock down, another person to manipulate, and that person was wrapped around your finger.

“I do” he spoke as his desperate intentions began to rise, he had never felt more satisfied in life, to him this was his greatest achievement. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡.

You brought your face up to his until your mouth was close to his ear.

“𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑠𝑤𝑖𝑡𝑐ℎ 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑦 𝑠𝑖𝑑𝑒 𝐼𝑧𝑢𝑘𝑢 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑏𝑒 𝑡𝑜𝑔𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟.”

You could feel his shock and bewilderment, the only thing on his mind right now was you, you consumed his thoughts, the feeling that was going through his body right now. He never wanted to let go of it.

You smirked against the crook of his neck as he spoke again; “𝐴𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑦𝑜𝑢, 𝑚𝑦 𝑑𝑎𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔”

“You will be the greatest to my collection” you said as you ran your fingers through his hair to which he seemed to calm down a bit at as his arms tightend around your waist.

“𝐽𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑑𝑜𝑛𝑡 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑡 𝑚𝑒, 𝑚𝑦 𝐾𝑛𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡” you spoke. The goal you were reaching for began to get closer than ever, and you would do anything to reach it.

“𝐶ℎ𝑒𝑐𝑘𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑒”

Hellooo, hope you liked this one I had to put a bit more thought into it because I had a bit of writers block, but this seemed like a very fun idea to write about! ☽☾

Don’t be afraid to dm me about any request you would like to see because they are open at the momet ☽☾

[fanficsrusz]

I WANT TO KI__ YOU CHAPTER TEN - DARK! JOHN WICK

Warnings: Kidnapping, Dub-Con, Non-con, Stockholm Syndrome, Being Restrained, Breeding, everything bad.

PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. IF YOU FIND ANY OF THESE WARNINGS TRIGGERING, THEN DO NOT READ. BY CONTINUING TO READ FROM THIS POINT ON, YOU ARE AGREEING THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH ALL OF THE ABOVE WARNINGS. I DO NOT ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY IF YOU FEEL TRIGGERED BY THE FOLLOWING CONTENT SINCE THERE HAS BEEN PLENTY OF WARNINGS. IF YOU FEEL LIKE ANY OTHER WARNINGS SHOULD BE ADDED THEN PLEASE POLITELY DM ME AND I WILL ADD THEM.

Word Count: 3k

Summary: Summery: After failing to fulfill his contract, John takes a liking to y/n and his liking soon turns into a dark obsession

I want to ki__ you playlist

A/n: It feels like ages since I updated this story but I'm finally back. I wasn't too sure what I wanted to happen in this chapter but hopefully i've done okay.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I look forward to reading all your comments and feedback. If you liked this chapter then please reblog it. That is how writers like myself are able to spread out work to other people, especially because there have been a lot of issues with tags lately. Thank you ❤️

Chapter one 

<<< Chapter Nine          Chapter Eleven>>>

Love is confusing. It comes and goes instantly. There is no warning, no sign of when it  will suddenly strike. It’s unpredictable, untamable and it’s scary. Love never says 'I want'. Love asks 'What do you need?'. Love asks 'How can I help you?'. Love listens with patience and empathy. Love is demonstrated in how someone takes actions to care and make self-sacrifice where necessary. Love says 'Let's thrive together.' Love offers a helping hand, a full heart and an open mind. Love is warmth. Love is safety, the thing that makes you forget about everything else in life. Love is John.

John offered y/n those things. He gave her what she needed, what was best for her. He took away all the bad things in her life, all the things that kept her up at night. She no longer had to think about when her next paycheck would come and worry if she had enough money in order to afford the rent. She didn’t have to worry about every little noise she heard outside or the distant screams that she was sure was a cry for help. 

But at what point does love turn into obsession? 

John only meant her good. He didn’t mean to scare her, to hurt her and deep down y/n knew that. In some ways, she loved him too.

The longer she stayed with John, the longer her thoughts constantly drifted to him; he was her everything. Insanity stole into her mind like a deranged thief, taking what was important to her, adding new dangerous ideas, seeding a new personality and muddling up the rest. 

New sparks of ideas that once she would have dismissed as bizarre started to grow roots, deep roots, they started to make sense in one revolutionary eureka moment after another, cascading out of control, luring her further and further from the self she once knew, until she was so deep that she no longer recognised herself, making new connections in her new distorted reality that she grew to love. 

After a while, her mind had formed an inescapable maze, a prison without walls.

Y/n held her hand over her mouth, the other rigidly clutching the white of the shirt she wore, her eyelids shut so tightly that they began to fidget and shudder from the force, as if the very corners of her eyes were being pricked with a needle, crying silent tears that ran past her plump, red cheeks and over her knuckles until finally dripping onto the floor with as much a sound as the woman's hushed agony.

She stood paralyzed in fear, the scent of perturbation invaded the room. Her terrorized feet refused to move and all her hands agreed to do was to stay covering her frightened face. Yet the excited buzz in her stomach continued to grow, the deep burn from inside that John had put there.  

She hated that she loved it, that she loved him. He was insane, delusional, a man driven by his own sick desires and she was nothing more than a stepping stone that helped him achieve his goals. But she couldn’t help but fall for him. However, she was scared; there was such joy and so much pain. 

Before John, y/n had only ever really loved two men, and they were so very different to each other. John was some holy blend of them both. So, she was happy to have met him, she just wished it was under different circumstances but she had never wanted any form of eternity until now, she never saw the point, until John. 

y/n lifted her head and stared into her distorted reflection of the metal cooker topper. It wasn't even shiny, yet she could tell from her reflection that she was a mess. John stood behind her, watching her every move carefully but his eyes still lit up with love and admiration for her. He admired everything about her, from the way the breeze blew her hair to the softness of her voice. To John, she looked like some kind of water sprite even when she thought she looked terrible. 

As y/n watched the twisted smile form on John's face, fear curled up inside her and clung to her ribs, settling uncomfortably in her chest. She didn’t doubt the feelings she had for him were there to stay, reminding her of its existence every time she opened her mouth to breathe, but it was getting hard for her to deny.

The panic started like a tightening of the chest, as if her muscles were trying not to let another breath in, but instead to die. Her tiredness made her head hang limp like wet laundry on a cold still day. She felt like every muscle was giving into gravity and she couldn’t control it any more. Then the breathing came, shallow, lungs unable to move much against her suddenly heavy ribs. Her mind became static, thoughts making no sense, repeats of horrors once forgotten. 

Beneath her feet the wooden floor felt soft, not as much as even a firm carpet, but not right for oak planks. y/n moved to the turn around, her back sliding against the edge of the counter, her legs brushing against the mildewed cupboard door. It was hard to make out the details of the room through blurred eyes, but after a while she could make out the features of the room. It was the same as it ever was, just abandoned, old, dusty. 

Forgetting the floor she tried to move forward forward, "I can’t- I can’t" Her only response was the creaking of a door moving lazily in the breeze. It was all too much for her: John, her emotions, her new life - she couldn’t cope. 

y/n staggered backward, her mind swirling, her breaths shallow until she fell in a heap to the floor.  On the way down she knocked over a vase but y/n didn’t even notice. All she was aware of was the loud crash that filled her ears and then the warmth around her.  John was a blur as he ran towards her, eyes wide and voice muffled through the ringing in her ears. 

She felt it break - her sanity, much like the vase that also fell onto the floor beside her.  Her last shred of normalcy shattered into a million pieces. The shards laid on the floor glittering in the sun, who knew breaking down could look so beautiful. She knew there was no hope in trying to put them back together, so she wouldn’t even try. she just sat there staring at John as his lips moved but no noise came out.

At first there was only silence, a misty haze upon the horizons of her mind. That's where she normally kept everything, in her mind. That was until now. She could feel the hard painful lump in the back of her throat as the tears continued to fall. Slowly her breathing hallowed itself and a small but intense pain struck the top nerve in her head. Before she knew it there was shouting, they were hers, yet they seemed so distant and she couldn’t even make out what they said.

Her remaining thread of strength frayed before breaking completely, sending her plummeting over the edge and into the darkness. Hysterical sobs shook her small frame, threatening to tear her apart from the inside. She fought to reclaim control over her body, shocked by the sounds escaping from deep within her chest but the calm never came.

“y/n!” John shouted over and over, trapped in a mantra as he tried to get her to answer him but all he got was cries.

John slowly pulled her closer to his chest,  wrapping his arms around her tightly before he gently squeezed. His embrace was warm, and his big, strong arms seemed very protective when wrapped around her frail body. The world around her melted away as she squeezed him back, not wanting the moment to end. Wrapped in a warm swaddle of his chest and arms, y/n’s tears seemed to die down, as if his hug was a sort of medicine to her pain. She didn't want to leave. It felt as if when she was in his arms all her pain went away - mental and physical, mostly the depressing pain.

John had never seen y/n cry like that, so deflated. Her loose shoulders still shook softly, her hands hanging limp around him, making no attempt to conceal or even wipe away her own tears. Aside from her reddened face she was so grey looking and her hair was dishevelled. John had seen others cry like that, normally when they begged for their lives before he killed them, and in every case it was a transition from a person with hope to one without. It was how they all begged for their lives; It was how John had cried when he lost his child; it was how John cried the day his wife passed. It was a kind of crying that showed the child underneath, that the pain had cut right back through the protective layers acquired in maturity.

“Don’t cry, Princess-” he placed a soft kiss onto her forehead and knelt down onto his knees as he brought her closer to his chest, “-everything will be okay, i’m here”.

Even Though y/n could hardly breath between her sobs, she reached out and hugged John tightly, a hug so warm yet so different from a motherly embrace and y/n felt her mind slowly calm. How could it be that she hadn't seen John’s love for what it was before? Pure. Unselfish. Undemanding. Free. She felt his body press in, soft and warm. This was the love she'd waited for, prayed for. She inwardly thanked God and hugged all the tighter. A love like this was to be cherished for life. 

When they finally parted after several minutes, tears stopping and breathing normal, y/n felt his absence as a cold wind, wishing she could keep him wrapped around her like a well worn sweater for always.

John smiled and held her at arm’s length, his eyes softening as he watched the way she brushed her tears away from her reddening cheeks. 

“Feel better?” he asked and y/n only nodded, unable to form any words under his gaze. 

“Good, let’s get you cleaned up” y/n cocked her head to the side, not sure what he was talking about until she followed his gaze down to her arm.

A deep wound was sliced in the flesh of her lower left arm. It heavily oozed out blood and there was a bluish-purple bruise forming around it. y/n lightly pressed her index finger against the center of the cut and sucked in a sharp breath as the pain spiraled all across her body. She wasn’t even aware of the cut caused by the vase until that very moment. Colorful spots contoured the sides of her eyes and y/n  had to bite her lip from the pain of it all, the adrenaline that numbed her pain slowly fading away.

“Ow” she whimpered out and John pulled her finger away. 

“Stop that” he whispered and pushed his arms under her armpits, lifting her from the floor. y/n said nothing as John led her to the bathroom again and gently placed her onto the side of the bath. She watched as John shifted through the cupboard, pulling out different bottles of medicines before finally turning back to her. 

John gently lifted her arm and turned on the tap, holding it under the running water. The water enveloped her as closely as her own skin. Every new sore stung  as John tipped a bottle of TCP up-side-down before he poured some over her cut. y/n winced as the pain swirled without mercy, penetrating to the cells that should have been protected by smooth skin but lie open and raw. 

y/n hissed at the pain and John hated to see her like that but it was the only way to avoid infection. 

“Sorry” John simply said, eyes not leaving the cut as he softly dabbed it with a cotton bud, wiping away any blood that remained in the cut before examining it for any more glass fragments that may be hiding inside. The simple touch sent a wave of butterflies coursing through her veins, their fluttering wings easing the dread that had settled inside her as she stared at John. 

“Why don’t I hate you?” she blurted out and John seemed to tense at her words. 

“What?”

“I should hate you. You- you raped me” her voice grew quiet with every passing word and John stopped his movements, turning the running water off before turning his gaze to her - firm and stoic. 

“I didn’t - rape you” he said sternly and y/n bit the inside of her cheek as she looked down at her cut again. “Didn’t  you want it? Didn’t you want to have sex with me?” he asked after several seconds of silence.

“I - I don’t know. That’s what’s confusing me.”

John exhaled heavily and moved to sit next to her on the side of the bathtub. 

“Did I hurt you?” his voice was low, much like a child who had been told off and y/n shook her head. 

“No -” y/n turned slightly, facing him and grabbed onto his knee as she drew reassuring circles with her thumb. “-You didn’t hurt me. You never have. I just don’t know what to feel right now. I should hate you but I dont and I know you're mad at me and-”

“You think i’m mad at you?” John interrupted, reaching his hand up to grab onto her hand, stopping her movements. y/n stilled for a moment in his touch until she felt him push her away.

"I can feel the pain that swirls in your brain, y/n, the confusion. All the stories you keep telling yourself as if they hold answers. They don't. People do things because their emotions are driving them that way... all those things that hurt you, princess, had nothing to do with you at all”

y/n lips formed a tight smile as she played with her fingers. She couldn’t explain her thoughts, her feelings, her fears. They stirred together in her head and threatened to boil over at any second and John only made it worse; his eyes showed the kind of gentle concern her grandfather used to have yet his actions said something different. 

John laid his hand lightly on her shoulder, and instead of flinching like she usually did, y/n  was soothed by it. He had spoken with a soft voice that calmed her more by the way it was said rather than the actual words. It felt as if she was wrapped in a blanket of his care. How could she not fall in love with him now that she could see how much he truly loved her? 

“I just don’t know what to feel. It’s like I love you but I know it’s wrong. You hurt me, scared me, took me away from my life, yet I don’t want to go back-” she inhaled deeply, “I just don’t understand what I feel. Normally I can talk to someone about my issues and they could give me some advice but I’m pretty sure this isn’t something that most people go through” she chuckled softly, her heart sinking as she felt John shift beside her. 

“I never intended to hurt you” he whispered before standing up.

y/n’s eyes followed John as he moved, his normally stoic face having turned into a frown before he disappeared out of the bathroom. Y/n sat there, staring at the empty doorway for a second, preparing herself to follow before John quickly re-appeared.

Her eyes formed half crescents as she stared at the face she had grown to love but her smile dropped and heart sank when her eyes caught the glint of the knife he held in his hands. 

“John?” she croaked out, breath catching in her throat as she pushed herself to stand, taking a step back. She didn’t understand. Was he going to hurt her? She had just confessed her emotions to him and now, this?

“I’m sorry” he said softly, his hand lifting almost robotically whilst he stepped forward. y/n closed her eyes, her heart stopping as she waited for everything to be over, to feel the knife sink deep into her skin but it never came. 

Instead she felt his presence linger just in front of her before John did the unthinkable - he shoved the knife into y/n’s hand.

 y/n opened her eyes slowly, her eyes wearing a puzzled expression as she studied John's sunken eyes that were trained on the floor. She held the knife, twisting it under the artificial bathroom light, her confusion exaggerated by the dark shadows around her eyes as she glanced at the weapon in her hand.

 Although rust had already set in on the handle of the knife, the blade was strong and jagged - more than enough to hurt John or even kill him. She had the perfect opportunity to do it, to end everything and go back to her old life.. She could already see him in a pool of darkening blood, it would be so easy. 

“I don’t understand - I” y/n started

“I want you to stab me - hurt me, just like I hurt you” his voice was quiet and his eyes never left the floor. y/n glanced upward to look at John as he stepped closer to the blade. Y/n’s mouth pursed but remained slightly open and loose. Her eyes were fixed as if she was staring into a dark abyss and she slowly blinked. 

With a shaky hand, she lifted the knife, holding the pointed weapon to John’s stomach. She knew exactly where to stab for it to be fatal - she had learned a lot as a nurse. It was now or never; she had to make a choice. All she had to do was push the knife forward and it would all be over.

TBC

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[vulnera-sanentura]

Cat Facts: Diabetes and DKA

Diabetes can often get a bit overwhelming in physiology and info, so here’s the short and sweet of it:

Affects 1:200 cats (similar rate for dogs)

Caused by an insulin deficiency (effectively)

Clinical signs include - polyuria, polydipsia, and polyphagia (eat, drink, and urinate a lot, abbreviated as PU/PD/PP), and weight loss

Treatment is - insulin, special diet, +/- weight loss

DKA is - metabolic derangements secondary to insulin deficiency. VERY serious, often VERY sick kitties

So breaking that down, let’s start with the physiology: Specific cells, called beta-cells, in the pancreas create insulin. Insulin is anabolic (think anabolic steroids that bodybuilders use), decreases blood glucose, and facilitates tissue uptake of glucose while inhibiting breakdown of tissues.

In diabetes, cats have what’s called a “relative” insulin deficiency (whereas dogs have a “true” insulin deficiency). Which means they’re producing insulin, but due to a combination of beta-cell dysfunction and insulin resistance in the body tissues, there isn’t enough to do the job of what a normal, healthy body would need. This also means it’s often later in life when symptoms show up, and there’s a potential for them to go into remission and no longer have to be treated for diabetes.

Who gets diabetes? The typical diabetic feline patient is an older, neutered male. Weirdly, Burmese are also predisposed but only in Australia is there a correlation. Because this is a relative insulin deficiency and not a “born with it” disease in cats, there’s also risk factors, which increase the likelihood of developing diabetes due to increasing insulin resistance:

Obesity

Pancreatitis (beta-cells are in the pancreas!)

Steroids (either due to medications or steroid hormones created by the cat)

Progesterone

Infection (UTI, periodontitis)

Stress

Why did I highlight infection? It’s important to remember because if your patient is on a high dose of insulin but not responding, it may be due to an infection! Check for a UTI, clean their teeth if they need it, it could help enormously in management.

How do you diagnose it? Clinical history helps: cat often comes in with the owner complaining that they’re peeing so much they’re flooding the litterbox, and eating a ton but they’re still losing weight. If you read my other posts, you’ll recognize this sounds a bit like hyperthyroidism too, but it narrows down the differentials!

Diabetes in dogs is easy to diagnose. Check a blood glucose, it’s sky high out of reference range? Well, you’ve got diabetes! The problem in cats, however, is they can get stress hyperglycemia. This means coming into the vet for a visit can jump up their glucose out of reference range and initially make it seem like diabetes. The good news is you can often differentiate it by how high the glucose is above normal. Stress hyperglycemia is often <250mg/dL, and cats with diabetes will present much higher than that on initial visit, generally >350. Diabetic cats will always have glucose in their urine, while it’s less likely (though not impossible) for a stressed cat to have glucosuria.

And treatment? Insulin! The goal of diabetic management is the reduction of clinical signs, and improving quality of life of both the cat and the owner. Remission is possible, and a bonus, not a true goal as it’s not achievable in all patients.

You can also pair this with a diet of increased protein and decreased carbs (Hill’s DM is a common choice). NO RAW MEAT. Diabetes leads to immunosuppression and they’re much more likely to contract an infection from raw diets.

Vets should ask owners to monitor clinical signs at home (drinking more or less than normal, eating more or less, gaining or losing weight), and the dose at recheck should be adjusted based on those clinical signs.

So, onto DKA. DKA, or diabetic ketoacidosis, is a serious metabolic disorder caused by insulin deficiency or resistance, leading to excess liver production of ketoacids and progressively worsening metabolic acidosis, hyperosmolality, serum electrolyte derangements, and systemic signs of illness.

That’s... a lot of big words and I’m not a vet. Come again? DKA is when diabetes has been so uncontrolled or thrown out of whack that it leads to an acidification of the bloodstream, and due to that low pH, starts a snowball effect of changing other physiologic mechanisms like the electrolytes in the blood. These cats come in often very sick, potentially only able to lay on their side, almost comatose.

How do you diagnose this one? DKA is diagnosed by high blood glucose, glucose in the urine, as well as ketones in the urine. They generally have a history of diabetes, though some are undiagnosed at presentation.

Additionally, bloodwork will show a metabolic acidosis, and maybe hyponatremia, hypokalemia, hypochloremia (all the low e-lytes!), pre-renal azotemia (high BUN), increased liver enzymes, and hypercholesterolemia.

This is serious, what do I do?! DKA can be scary, especially when you know the ~30% mortality rate. For treatment goals, you want to:

Provide adequate insulin to maintain BG between 100-300 

Restore fluid and electrolyte losses

Correct the metabolic acidosis

Identify and treat concurrent illness

Provide dextrose and food as need to avoid hypoglycemia

Avoid overly aggressive therapy!! Correct the problems slowly over 24-48 hours

I won’t go too much into the ICU workup since that can get long and complicated, lots of math, but essentially you’ll start fluids, add some potassium if indicated, start them on insulin, and monitor them. While stabilization of the critical patient is most important, it’s also important to know that DKA doesn’t occur in a vaccuum. Pancreatitis, cholangiohepatitis, hyperthyroidism, or a number of other diseases may be underlying that pushed them from a regulated diabetic patient into DKA. Look for the cause!

That was long but I hope you all enjoy it :)