#but I did read it even as a 15yo and went ok I get the point if not the science

[divinekangaroo]

the titles of academic papers where its like someone just threw random words together

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[uzyplus]

15. September 2019 Mysterious Girlfriend X Hello, it's been a while, hasn't it? The reason for that is basically that I haven’t finished a single anime in these past months, well I have read quite a lot of manga and manhua which I don’t really like writing about, just too lazy to do that. I finished about 21 of em or am currently reading + like 40 on webcomics I think?

Another thing I’d like to mention is that youjo senki movie falls under it’s anime, so no post for that.

Now to anime: I watched all 13 episodes of it and read manga from ch36 as it was the exact point where anime left out. Watching school romance after such a long time sure felt refreshing, I really enjoyed like the first 5 or so episodes of anime, had quite a good laugh at it. It was just so cute and satisfying to watch, well I went to sleep and picked it up again the next day. Well I have to say that the whole saliva thing was getting quite overplayed at this point and maybe a bit disgusting at times (me without knowing that I’ll have manga worth 1 day to read still ahead). Well I got to enjoy it in the end ~for some reason I get happier watching things at late hours~ the ending for anime was kinda disappointing ~not to mention it didn’t make any sense in contrast with what we know from manga~ But well it did good, coz it was interesting enough for me to pick up manga after all. Well I forgot to mention at the beginning that I didn’t like Mikoto’s voice at first, it just seemed so off when she screamed or laughed ~well screamed~ but otherwise it was really lovely, I mean she did that psycho laugh like twice during the whole show and it just happened to be during first episode. First episode seemed sooooo~ long (might be coz I just didn’t bother speeding playback speed up...) but well I think that most of the development happened there anyway. I really liked the speed their relationship was developing at, nice and slow, there’s no need to rush things up, just take your time, you’re just 17 after all. Actually I figured out their age on ep13, oh boy I need to pay more attention to some details~ Well I was thinking they were like 14-15 coz of the whole: first kiss, first xxx deal, kids usually pay attention to it during that age or a bit sooner, I mean I haven’t given myself these questions since like 15yo, so yea, their age quite surprised me. Another thing to mention is that the saliva was just too thick the whole time, I mean what is it a honey? ~Well it surely tasted sweet so maybe?~ So now I should write something about manga, hmmmm~ that’ll be pretty hard considering I pretty much skip some text pretty often and then again I read it around 10pm-1am so my brain was pretty much dead at that time already. Well I will try, but first imma go post this thing so that for some reason I won’t lose it and do a quick manga recap. It’s sure a good idea to start writing this at 10pm when it’s Monday and I had 9 lessons with 0 one, uff~

Alright, I just remembered there was that Aika girl. At first I thought she would appear just once or twice during the story, for the last time when he bought that Imai Monoka album and would talk him out of it or something. After a while she started to annoy me, coz of her way too intimate and often contacts with Akira and after a while I pretty much started to hate her for trying to bewitch him all the time. In the end she didn't turn out to be a bad character at all, she just wanted to find someone that would love her, even if she didn't love him and not leave her as all the guys she loved. 

Then there's Ryouko who harassed Akira pretty much without stating a reason. I assume she had a slight crush for mc, considering she proposed to be his secondary girl I g? Out of all the romances happening throughout the story I found her the best.

It's a big letdown that Akira never told Ueno who's his girlfriend, I mean some other characters knew it, but he never told it to his best friend, ah.

I don't really have anything to write about the movie part, about the Valentine's part: I thought Youko's gotta see the black chocolate package and realize their relationship or something, but in the end it wasn't a box, but just a foil wrapping or whatever, there goes my fantasies~I don't even know why I thought it was a box~ 

Akira was also quite smart, I mean I would never realize if I didn't see them or he said them, like the naked apron for example. It was really enjoyable watching their newlyweds-like scenes, also really looked forward to their kiss, which I assumed their daily routine would eventually turn into and that's where I was totally bamboozled. I mean why would you do that? It totally disappointed me, Youjo kissed her boyfriend, Oka and Ryouko as well and you tell me that you'd rather continue having her finger in your mouth than actually kiss her? Now I wonder who was the actual reason for such a slow and long relationship development. That would be an epic way how to end the story, I mean seriously, you were looking forward that kiss for some chapters now and you just let it all go. Alright alright, nevermind, it's your story, live it however you want, imma just curl up in the corner of my room and fantasize about how nice it would have been... humph~

Well overall I think it's somewhere around +2,5 and +3, imma decide that tomorrow ~morning is wiser than evening~ (actually this phase sounds rather plain in English, it sounds a bit better in my language to me) Also imma pick a pic for this tomorrow coz it's nearing 11:30pm now and I want to sleep ~there's also this one fly annoying me rn~

Wow, this actually turned out to be the longest post I've ever written and I'm pretty confident that I'll write more to it tomorrow coz I haven't talked about main characters that much yet

Hello, how have you been? This lazy ass pleb just totally left this post alone incomplete for like 3 days... and now doesn’t really remember what he wanted to write, well just perfect...

Alright, I guess I ended up somewhere around mc and mh I g? Eh, all that pops into my head is Real girl, which I started reading yesterday. 

Another reread later~ wait let me actually reread this whole thing so I’d get a general idea what it was about, coz I have 0 clue whatsoever.

Okay, sooo~ Mc was a fairly decent guy, he knew when he was hurting Mikoto and stopped in time, one thing that I wasn’t so ok with was that any girl could sway his mind, any girl wearing bikini, any pantsu, anything really ~which even irl I cannot understand when all the guys immediately apply fgo target focus skill, while I’m like: Protection from Arrows A~ (if you understood that you should play fgo a bit less) 

Mh, well what can I say about her? She was all cute, blushing occasionally, sometimes Akira did the blushing for her... I cannot really say whether she was jealous at times, it seemed she was quite confident in their bond to be jealous, and well every time Akira’s mind was swinging towards other girls she just gave him lewds to rewrite his mind, quite a powerful strategy I’ll have to say. She called Akira pervert few times... who was it that got totally naked like 3 times when giving Akira saliva? I really liked her scissors’ techniques, although mc didn’t seem to share my passion. She reminds me of these stray cats, that you have to approach really slowly in order to feed, coz otherwise they run ~well minecraft ocelots basically~  Every time she was about do some sports I thought for myself that she cannot do it ~coz she seems too much like the chuunibyou type~ then realized she was actually really athletic... it happened like 3 times or more, it was annoying, brain just doesn’t learn. I think I covered pretty much every thing I planned on covering and forgot what I wasn’t supposed to, so I cannot really continue writing anything now that I have no clue whether I already wrote it or not... ~splitting post and writing it with 3 day gap seems like pretty stupid thing to do~   +2,5

finally my soul’s in peace

[somewhere-inthemeadow]

things that are written in one of my acting journals that I will soon throw out (from Tusk Tusk):

We do a cold read. It is meant to be neutral. We do not know the characters yet

They are all beautiful when they perform. I have taken to listening to them in rehearsal. 

Maggie speaks to the smaller parts of me, the timidness and responsible parts of me. I must be more conscious to live these or else she will end up loud.

Sometimes I feel that as an actor you must repeat things, moments, in order to get out of them.

I plan to bind for the rest of intensives. It makes me feel secure with and within myself. It also makes me internalise but that is the sacrifice. I am willing to make sure I can still breathe. [...] I am too internal and self-conscious

Ewan grabbed my arm while we were running it [...] It doesn’t burn, just that its there. You can feel it on the skin. Sitting there. The pressure. In response I will leave it there, get used to it. Have others on my skin over hte top of it. 

It is good to have another set of eyes on the text.

I am restless to get hte blocking down for hte headlock. It needs to be solidified, even if its just for me. We need something to practise. It still feels flimsy. But for the most part the parts are falling into place. THe blocking up to the headlock feels fine. 

Ewan and I have started to use each other as acting crutches. We sit next ot each other, wihtin touching distance. We are getting used to each other. 

I think its been a good process. I think I have mastered it. THe upside of it is be open and take it slow, and find some point in the touch that you don’t hate. For me that is the headlock. That is fine for some reason.

I wish I didn’t rely on the memory of him so much. Recall it so much. I swallow the memory.

You can feel that on some level that Ewan is uncomfotable, his knees shake, he blinks too fast. We are probably both trying ot laugh it off. We tried. 

It is about rediscovery of the methods of comfort. Things that have been embedded in me since I was 12 or 15.

When Ewan sets next to me I have the extreme urge to comfort him. Hold him. Rest my head on his shoulder. Know that he is ok. Part of me is already being sisterly to him.

‘it is a middle aged spat with a boyfriend. it needs to be a sibling’s fight.’

There is a lot of skinship in this cast. They are all tired and there is a comfortability there as we build towards performance. 

I think we also need to find a way to build up to it [the fight]. I realise that the only physical interaction Ewan and I have had, for this whole process, is the fight. [...] Hugging him and getting a good skinship with him is a good first step to developing trust. 

I was too busy acting a panic attack

essentially I need to go back to book

you are a 14yo remembering how a 35yo comforted a 15yo. Everything is less smooth and learned. There is a difficulty there. Comfort is a language to me. I am slowly rediscovering the value of skinship here. 

Aftercare. I think Ewan and I need a check in and check out routine because of the scene. We need to find a way to say ‘I’m sorry. Thank you for not hurting me. YOu’re ok and I’m ok. I forgive you.’ I think that needs to be accompanied by a hug. 

The thing that gets me is that I can feel him fall apart in the scene. I can feel him tearing himself apart. 

‘If one of you needs/wants to talk about it and the other doesn’t, you need to talk about it.’

I have to remember to struggle because i don’t and it annoys Ewan. Issues is that I don’t struggle. I don’t because of Nadine. But here we are. 

I want affirmation and don’t seem to be getting any from Kate. She just says keep trying. That sometimes affirmation can be a bad thing.

I have finally found the rings that Maggie and I share. Family. Education. That is what we share.But a reminder that she does not know how to comfort, she is remembering her mother doing this. Her mother holding Eliot. SHe has seen them at times. She has seen Mother holding Eliot in the dark. She remembers how her Mother does not comfort her like that, there is always a venom, a self interest behind it. But Mother loved Eliot and held him and stroked his hair. She remembers that. The train is a storybook Mother used to read. Maggie was never privy to the private good moments, but she is teaching herself how to mother. she is not selfish, but she has a love of Finn; she sees him as some kind of stability. 

I hold myself, lingering. 

first performance today. Felt nervous. I never feel nervous for a show. it made me more nervous.

Kate says the technical work is there but now I am reaching for the emotion. I need to think it through. Don’t yell unless you can think your way through to the yell. Map thought. Emotion will come later. 

I don’t kiss people while I am doing productions. Wrong head space

took four times to get the fight right. Again. Four seems to be the number. But we need to get it right ot get it right onstage. 

‘do you feel comfortable doing a fight scene with him?’

He checks in with me and I realise that I am looking in his face searching for an answer. If it is me I wish he would tell me. ‘its not you, don’t worry.’

Somehow, in some way, he reminds me of William.

We slowed down which was nice. I felt the moments pass. I thought through it. I could think each bit through. I remembered seeing Mother hold Eliot. I tried to remember how people comfort people. It is not instinctual.

People congratulated me on the scene. It is weird for them I’m sure, as I have gotten over the uncomfortable aspects of the scene. I have just come to see it as a job. We have a rhythm. They feel everything afresh. They feel uncomfortable for me. They feel anxious and terrible for me. 

It takes me a while to realise it has happened after it has happened. Which is good. But also there’s a radio crackle there. Static. 

We run the fight call twice before I have to run. Soft. Aaron comes to see me. He gets Ewan. I hold him, hug him. I can feel his heartbeat. Heart beat. Heart. Beat. 

We go into scene 7. I’m breathing. Heart beat. I see the slap. I flinch. I see Finn run. I freeze. Pause. Waiting. I can see Ewan behind Eliot asking if I am ok. Breath. I commit. We yell at each other. Ewan rushes it, I hold back. Push and pull. Feel the moments. ‘chips.’ he hauls me to the floor. Climbs over me, spits. I stop struggling. Don’t breathe. We get the light right today. I am almost crying as I am pulled up. Ewan presses my hand to his head. He is comforting me. I am too shattered to comfort back. Everything feels real today. I can feel everything welling in my chest. In my throat. He leans his head a little longer on my shoulder. We fall apart together. I’m holding him comforting myself. Remembering Mother comforting him. Remembering how to comfort. 

And then the scene moves on. And we move on. Ewan, bless his heart, sits in front of me and leans back. I feel his warmth through my hand. ‘you’re ok. we’re ok.’ I grab his tshirt. keep my hand there, lean my head against him. ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘don’t apologise. you have done nothing wrong.’

In the bow Raphael grabs my hand. Relationship hold. Comfort? we exit. the crowd exit. Kate is grateful to have worked with us. SHe congratulates us. Rikki says it went well. I think I hug Ewan again. 

I slowly return to a state of contentment. Calm. Ewan and I don’t talk. And we won’t. Whatever went on, it si not to be discussed. At least between each other. It is not how he is. 

The cast was going to drink. I left, glad I did. I got tired, and singular. I started to fade. 

I think I know what I was trying to prove to myself. I did do this scene to be able to prove something to myself. I think I know what that was. I wanted to prove that I could. That after Creating Body I wasn’t limited. That I could build relationships on something, that would allow realtionship building. Touch. That I could. I think I proved that to myself. I think I know how to handle it now. I have a strategy. It takes a while, but it is buildable, workable. It is a start. 

Ironically, Ewan is not on my skin. If I focus I can feel Ewan’s weight on my hips, but nothing more. There is no burn. It just is. It just was. 

I don’t know what else to say. There is a sigh of relief in finishing something and it is now that I have finally allowed myself to feel that, I love them. Will continue to love them. I love you. The wild rumpus may end