#but I cannottttttt stop thinking about them

[sw4tch]

*defeated sigh* how do i tell this man to stop trying to flirt with me or i will kick his ass

also it's THAT GUY AGAIN AND IM GETTING TIRED. bcus WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS and i would PREFER IF HE ACTED AS ONE BUT NOOOOO he has to act WEIRD in a very obvious "i have a crush on you" way AND I HATE IT.

Because here's the thing. I am perhaps being very shallow. Because i absolutely see myself being open to a relationship happening between us if he was my type of cute man. BUT HE'S NOT. So instead of getting butterflies in my stomach and feeling flattered I JUST GET SO FUCKING PISSED OFF BECAUSE I ABSOLUTELY CANNOTTTTTTT TELL HIM TO FUCK OFFFFFFFF.

He's not harassing me or doing anything inappropriate but i just HATE. HATE. HATE. THAT HE HAS A CRUSH ON ME (or at least HE ACTS LIKE IT)

The other day he sent me a spiderverse meme video (it was about lyla bothering miguel) and i went "oh to be Miguel's ai girlfriend" and he just went "oh to be miguel" like FUCK OFF? I AM NOT GOING TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND MAN.

I am NOT EVEN A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and "well he could have meant nothing by it" which fair. Which is why i didnt fucking reply to that at all. But then the next day he sent me a "wish you a nice weekend :)" message and i saw RED. Bcus.

FUCK. how do i explain this.

Men never NEVER act like this unless they Want You. Getting Male Attention only happens when they perceive you as a Woman and as someone they want a romantic relationship with.

And also he had never sent me a nice weekend message before so it just felt like "WHAT ARE YOUR FUCKING INTENTIONS MAN 🔫 I AM JUST YOUR FRIEND AND I WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING ELSE SO WHY WONT U LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE"

And I HATE IT.

Bcus he's an OKAY GUY. how many times do i have to describe him as "well there's nothing wrong with him he's just annoying" BCUS THAT'S JUST HIM.

And i hate it. I hate that he has a crush on me. I loathe it. He read MTMTE for me because i told him i was obsessing over tf and he went and read it and now he makes transformers references at me AND I HATE IT.

I just HATE IT!

I hate that i hate it because it makes me FEEL BAD!!!!!!!!

If i were a normal, mentally stable, completely cis, completely heterosexual person, perhaps less shallow too- i would probably like him a lot.

BUT I'M NOT. AND ALSO I HAVE HIGH STANDARDS. IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS. AND I LIKE CUTE MEN WITH LONG HAIR THAT LOOK LIKE PRINCES. and he's not!!! He's not!!!

And i feel bad!!! Because i simply cannot like him AND I REFUSE TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE BCUS I SPENT SO MUCH OF MY LIFE BEING USED- i will not GIVE IN and GET USED just bcus i feel bad for SOME GUY who's JUST OKAY.

Fuck. I hate it. My crushes must feel like this too. They must loathe every second i show them my love and affection. I must be as disgusting to them. I am trapped in hell and that hell is "wanting to be loved so badly, so so so badly, but also hating that people interested in me aren't my idealized dream person"

Bcus.

It feels fake!!!! It feels so fake!!!!! He doesn’t like me for me!!!!!!!!!!!! HE WANTS TO JUST USE ME AS A PIECE OF MEAT!!!!!!!! HE KNOWS NOTHING OF ME, OR MY DREAMS, OR MY ISSUES, OR MY REAL SELF!!!!!! HE THINKS HE LIKES ME BECAUSE HE DOES NOT KNOW ME AT ALL!!!!!

AND NO ONE EVER WILL KNOW THE REAL ME BECAUSE I CAN NEVER BE LOVED AGAIN!!!!!!!

Anytime anyone says they care about me, I.

I nod and smile. I thank them. I thank them a lot.

And then internally i lament the fact that their words feel fake to me.

Oddly enough. I can believe them from one person, one college friend. But it's mostly because for some reason. She has always seemed very genuine and sweet? We talk every week we can and we tell each other updates of our lives, and sometimes she will tell me how things are going with her tumultuous family issues, and sometimes i will tell her how things are going with my complicated relationship with my mom. And sometimes I'll cry on the phone and she will comfort me. And i always cheer her on if things are bad on her end.

Still, i feel like she hasn't seen the worst parts of me. But when she tells me she cares for me and that I'm always welcome at her home. I trust her. I believe her. Her friendship is so dear to me. I think she deserves the world.

But everyone else. I find it so difficult. My excuses are always "well actually you must hate me" "You're saying it out of an obligation" "you can't really mean it because you don't know how bad i can be" "we're not really friends so this means nothing to me" "you only say it to appease me"

And it's. Sad.

Because i can't even hold it against them. It feels fake for me but i understand that they Do mean it. They mean it but only because they think they care about the version of me i project every day. They care about the best parts of myself.

The most egregious offender lately has been, of course, my mother. I think she's either trying to patch things up or manipulate me further.

I will never be sure so to be safe i assume she's trying to manipulate me into caring for her (as in, literally taking care of her in the future).

She keeps telling me how much she thinks about me and how much she cares about me and how I'm the light of her life and that she only wants the best for me and how she loves me so so so much.

And. Would you believe that, dear reader? After years of emotional neglect and abuse? Would you in good conscience believe her words? Would you allow your mind to forget how much she hurt you and the ways she hurt you and would you allow her into your heart?

Would you put yourself in the line of fire? Would you put the blindfold on? Would you face the wall and smile hoping the headshot won't come?

Of course not, dear reader. Because you're smart. You're smarter than all of them. And because you're smart is that you're still alive to tell the tale.

Anyway.

About crushes and how I can never feel like I'm loved in the right and correct way.

Here's the thing.

Friendships are good. Friendships are the best. In Friendships i don't have to wonder what the other person's intentions are.

The intent is always "have a nice time together as buddies and laugh and laugh and laugh and never delve deeper into each other sadness"

At least, it's how i see it on my side. You see, if a friend suddenly opened their heart to me and told me their woes, then hell yeah I'd be there for them. I'd care for them. I'd comfort them. I'd be the most supportive person in the room.

I will forever be someone that wants to help others.

But the moment a friend asks ME to open up. I just. I feel attacked. I take out my metaphorical knife and point at them and go "WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS- WHY DO YOU CARE"

i don't do that, the knife is metaphorical. But I do insist that I'm alright and that nothing is wrong and i am absolutely fine thank you VERY much! Please do not worry about me, all is good.

Because I am not kidding at all when I say you need to be a level 7 friend to unlock my Lore. I don't trust people. Trusting people gets you hurt. And I'm old enough to know that I can't take that kind of hurt anymore.

And i love my friends. I love all of them a lot. A lot!

But for some reason I can't trust them to reciprocate my friendship with my same pure and good intentions? Does that make sense?

From my point of view, people only love their friends in a very simple way. They want others to share the good times with. It's hard to find people to share the hard times with, so if they only want the good times, i don't blame them.

I don't expect my friends to be there for the hard times. I don't blame them. I expect them to only be there for the good times.

Who would want the hard times?

Who would want my hard times?

So yeah that's the heart (hah) of the issue.

I just don't think people really truly care about me. I don't expect them to. I hope they don't.

So when someone comes around and has the Audacity to develop feelings? For ME? The Extra Friendly version of me i put out into the world?

It feels offensive. Horrendous. I know what your intentions are AND THEY'RE NOT HARMLESS! YOU WANT MY BODY AS MEAT TO USE AND I HATE IT!!! FUCK OFF!!! I KNOW I'M DROP DEAD GORGEOUS BUT YOU DON'T GET TO THINK THAT!!!!!!!!

Maybe these are just excuses to justify how shallow I ended up being. A princely looking man would have me on my knees, I know this.

But those men will never look my way. They are shallow too, and i am repaid in my same coin.

Oh how dreadful is to date in the modern age (even though i know it's no better than the ages before).

Can't wait to leave this office and never say hello to this guy ever again. I would apologize but. Nah.

I just wish i could tell him "we're not meant to be and it's not your fault but also I wish this world was kinder to alright guys that don't have much to offer. Like you. Like me. We are one in the same and perhaps that's why we were never going to be anything at all."

[myrfing]

not very established/final but closing thoughts about endwalker and ffxiv in general. immense msq spoilers ahead of courase

ok there were a lot of things I didn't care about and then a lot of things I cared immensely about and so in my first walk catharsis addled brain I will elect to mostly weigh the things I care about and uh those things were. incredible. there were moments while playing where I thought "this is great but maybe not my favorite overall" (which I was okay with, I never worried about whether or not EW would "measure up" or anything) and then that finale swept me up and hit me in the guts multiple times zenos style so what can I say.

My absolute favorite things:

1. Getting to meet Venat/Hydaelyn eye to eye and thank her and tell her YES it was all worth it and that the world is beautiful. and how it is emphasized she has always walked with you. is my god lady creepy and/or wet. I CANNOT SAY HOW MUCH EVERTHING ABOUT HER MEANS TO ME and I'm going to miss her so much. also she's just fucking cool

2. THE FINAL AREA especially getting to know the dragons/omega deal up close. and this whole area's theme of emptiness and suffocating sorrow but even in each of these ghosts you could feel a faint glimmer of the things that made them beings that could be hurt in the first place because of how human they were. their curiosity or love or fear or doubt. also it really sunk it in how you really cannot save everyone and everything and yet you still have to just acknowledge all these things that are totally lost and keep going. but also just by having witnessed them even in their final and most despairing hours you kind of carry them with you for every happiness that you find then onward. by the way I thought the OTHER COSMOS i.e. omega's origins were not going to be touched upon in this expac and thought they would save it for whatever comes next so imagine my fucking surprise. also can I say the music building up from a disorienting ambiance and then there's a wind to carry the song and then everyone else and it turns into one of the best themes in the game I CANNOTTTTTTT STRESS how deeply I marveled when I realized what was happening

3. Getting to explore and meet new characters HAHAHEA. Thavnair is absolutely beautiful and getting to finally...LIKE. SEEING HOW MUCH LOVE WAS PUT INTO ELABORATING ON HOW PEOPLE LIVED AND WHAT THEY DID DAY TO DAY AND WHAT MATTERED TO THEM even garlemald who I feel...no less general dislike towards I absolutely ate that shit up. i just wanted to know everything about this world they made. AND WITH EACH EXPAC I AM SATED I will say I think the Sharlayan portions are some of the weakest in the expac but even then there were a lot of things I loved about it as well and I'm very glad we finally get to know where so many of our beloved characters are from. The environment designers outdid themselves again also; there were multiple moments where I just stopped to behold...the skybox the dirt on the ground the rise of ridges and EVERYTHINGGG

4. i habe to mention the wol treats. seeing your wol do stuff. now when does that ever get old. re: Gourd specifically like I wanted he's the most human he's ever been and getting to see him make certain choices or be happy or elect to be close to others and also be angry and sad and to offer his heart and to have people offer this back and wish for his happiness I DID NOT THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE TO LOVE THE WOL MORE

5. A lot of the ways I interpreted things were validated LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO YES I ENJOY THE VINDICATION. I'm happy hermes existed. & yes he was a megavegan overthinker destroyer of worlds but the fact that there were imperfections and that the ancients were really just....exactly human but lifted by their magic capability and resulting sense of duty and purpose. I'm happy that even back then someone said "who are we to judge if other people are worthy of existence" and—EVEN though it is unmistakably a devastating and tragic end—brought the whole thing crumbling down. I'm glad that emet-selch made it clear if it were his choice he would never have given up and that he would always have that fierce narrowminded devotion to his people but that he could not reconcile it with the way he connected to mortals still especially in his ever growing loneliness and guilt and longing. im happy hythlodaeus humored me and remembered me and was such an openhearted friend & well we will find out more about baby elidibus but *pointing* he looks like how I .

There were again a lot of moments where I felt disconnected to the values or narrative presented because of Who I Am & What I Think aka my little opinions but even then I think it was worth seeing. i do not believe in sacrifice and suffering as heavily as the writers do, I don't believe that your pain always means you should come out stronger nor do I imply that people are weak or unworthy for not being so, and I'm too like shit-hearted to be wholly on board for the themes of complete absolution and acceptance and whatnot that they wanted to get across here. a lot of the garlemald and even to some extent the idyllic elpis portions predictably (if you've listened at all to my rambling on twitter in the past 2 years LMFAO) annoyed me the exact way you & I would think they would. everyone knows I don't care about zenos, and I hate the special attention afforded to hades in the sense that I would have been much happier if he was treated as just another person you'd naturally remember on your journey in all the good and bad and not as someone so important to my wol. and these dudes took up a LOT of runtime.

...but also I was kind of at peace with that? And it did help that I do let up/consider it out of place to sit too heavily on my judgements when something is...already dead, the way garlemald kind of is, the way the ancients are, the way all those old civilizations are. So I was still enjoying myself even in those moments. the way I think about certain things will always be different from the xiv writers in particular but there are still points where what they mean not only gets across to me vividly and clearly but I can also acknowledge they wrote it trying to struggle to come to an answer themselves. & I'm glad so many people so wholeheartedly love this game and that we read this story and become invested in it and hope for it openly and appreciate it without undue reservation because I don't think it would be possible for anyone to write a story like this if they did not know it would be received thus.

errr yeag. I've said this about very few works but I genuinely think xiv is a masterpiece. maybe with far more polish towards the end but the entirety of it has been an honor to know and I would not cut a single fucking potion out you know me I've loved it since I was dying to shitty little tube rats in la noscea with ruin and because of my utter fascination with the universe...like just for having loved this game I feel rewarded. so thank you 2 CREATIVE BUSINESS UNIT III LMFAOOO I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE STILL RUNNING WITH THIS NAME LEGENDS ONLY