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kquil · 11 months ago

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FRIENDLY COMPETITION

PAIR. : Sirius Black. x Cassandra (moot)

SUM. : academic rivals' hearts don't race for each other do they? well, apparently sirius' and cassandra's do

TAGS : academic rivals ; modern au ; fluff ; sirius being sirius ; we love him ; cassandra (moot) being adorable ; latin vs french ; author isn't a languages expert in mentioned languages so i apologise for the lack of knowledge and build up there ; his name is sirius for a reason people! ; jealousy jealousy! ; oblivious!cassandra ; jealous sirius ; subtle confession ; slow build up to confession

LENGTH : 1.7k

DEDICATED TO @cassandra-nerezza-black (1k cake request)

EVENT : CLOSED

You walk through the corridors of Hogwarts, your arms laden with weighty books, your mind racing with Latin conjugations and historical dates. The castle is buzzing with the usual pre-class verve and activity, but your focus is unwavering as you weave through the maze of students. That is, until you hear a familiar voice.

"Morning, Cassandra," Sirius Black, the notorious prankster of Hogwarts along with the rest of the Marauders and your academic rival, greets you with his trademark smirk.

You glance up, meeting his mischievous steel-grey eyes, sparkling with an impishness that you are far too familiar with, "Sirius," you acknowledge with little interest, trying to mask the flutter in your chest. His presence always has this effect on you, despite—or maybe because of—your rivalry. How annoying. Even in between lessons he’s scrambling your brain.

He falls into step beside you as you try to out-walk him, however, the length of his legs helps him keep pace and his strides remain easy and confident. There’s no way you’re out-walking him, let alone out-running him, you might as well resign yourself to your fate, "studying hard as usual, I see,” he teases — just the sound of his voice makes the shell of your ears itch, “I'm surprised you don't have a book on how to have fun; that’s the one you need the most,"

You roll your eyes and try to keep a small smile from playing on your lips, "some of us value knowledge, Black," was your kittenish retort, slowly succumbing to his contagious humour.

He chuckles melodically and his hair falls over his eyes in that effortlessly charming way, "Oh, I value knowledge. Especially when it comes to languages. How's your Latin coming along?"

"Better than yours, I'm sure," you quip, feeling a sense of pride swell up in your chest, where you hug your book sources securely. Languages are your domain, your safe haven, and a subject where you excel, even more so than Sirius.

His grin widens, "Is that a challenge, Cassandra? Because you know I can't resist a good competition,"

You shake your head at him, amused despite yourself, "You're on,"

The days that follow are filled with playful banter and academic one-upmanship. You and Sirius find yourselves in a constant battle of wits, each of you fluent in multiple languages, him majoring in French and you, Latin. Debates of his language versus your ‘dead’ language was a common topic between the two of you. But it’s all light-hearted. There’s a thrill that comes with the competition and you find yourself eager to learn and get ahead just from a simple glimpse of him in the distance. He surprises you with his proficiency; he's not just a rebel or a prankster, but a smart one at that. And a terrible romantic – he did choose to major in the language of love, after all.

However, your interactions are tinged with an undercurrent of something more, something neither of you dares to acknowledge. Both due to fear and the want to keep whatever you have currently, going for as long as possible. What you have right now is worth keeping alive. It’s become a sort of highlight to your days in Hogwarts.

More often than not, you catch him looking at you when he thinks you're not aware, his gaze lingering a second too long. And you can't deny the quickening of your pulse whenever he's near. You’ve never had someone gaze upon you so lovingly and with such adoration in their eyes. Or was that just glee from what you two shared? You didn’t want to delude yourself into believing something was there if he didn’t actually feel that way but ugh! He makes it so hard sometimes!

Sirius admires your pretty face, your light, soft skin, and beautiful brown hair. He often imagines what it’s like to feel your dough-soft skin under his lingering touch and the silk of your hair through the comb of his fingers. Guiltily, he keeps his thoughts to himself, living in the fantasy whenever he’s near you and the fictitious reality he’s dreamt up countless times comes as close to reality as it can ever get.

…That’s all it’ll ever remain, however, fictitious and a fantasy. He knows how greedy he can be and constantly has to remind himself to keep from reaching forward to hold your hand or brush a stray hair out of your face. What you two have now is good enough, he wouldn’t dare sabotage it in any way.

It was a Saturday and you were in the courtyard, laughing at something a fellow Ravenclaw said. He's charming, witty, and you enjoy his company. You were especially grateful to be partnered up with him for your latest History project. Admittedly, the two of you have strayed away from the topic at hand but you weren’t too distressed over it; you’ve made some decent progress with the project already so you had the time to spare.

The atmosphere was light and comfortable but as your shoulders shake subtly in a soft giggle, a shadow falls over you. Stopping mid-titter, you look up to find Sirius looming over you with a tight expression, and a deep frown marring his handsome features. The playful glint in his eyes are gone and in their place is a menacing shine, a reflection of an unknown emotion you find hard to place.

"Cassandra, can I have a word?" he asks, voice tense. It isn’t like him to be so straightforward and curt with you; usually, your shared conversations are filled with witty remarks and lighthearted jabs at each other’s flaws — it was always good fun and never too serious.

Did you do something wrong?...

You excuse yourself, curiosity piqued and Sirius leads you away, his strides long and purposeful, you could barely keep up but keep your lips sealed. A budding anxiety grows in the pit of your stomach over what he may want to talk about. Sirius has never been so…serious before…

Once out of earshot, he turns to you and in his eyes, you see an unrecognisable intensity burning that only seems to grow by the second. Slowly, your lips part to break the increasing tension but you’re a little too slow.

"Why are you letting him hang around you like that?" Sirius demands, his voice laced with something peculiar, something uncommon for him… something green? (Jealousy?—No!)

Taken aback, your eyes widen at his query, "he's just a friend, Sirius. Why are you like this?" you ask, eyes softening at the pressure visibly tensing his shoulders, and your voice softens too, “what’s wrong?”

"Nothing–" he starts, then hesitates. He takes a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. "Nothing’s wrong…forget it, I’m sorry, Cass…"

Your heart skips a beat,it never fails to do so when he calls you by that fond nickname, "Sirius, clearly it’s not nothing, come on…" your gentle urging slowly breaks through the cracks no matter how much he wants to deny it, “you’re not a liar, tell me the truth,”

He looks at you, his usual confidence replaced with vulnerability, "all this teasing, this competition... it's not just because I enjoy annoying you,” he struggles to find the words but you need him to say it. Your racing heart needs him to say it and confirm everything, if only to feel like you’re not crazy, “I feel more for you than that… Cassandra," he looks into your eyes, his steel irises shaking from slight terror, “...you feel it too right?” he begins again, voice quieter than ever.

“The heart racing?” He nods, “yeah, I do,”

Your confirmation brings back the light in his eyes, “And the loneliness when you’re away?” he adds and you nod this time. By now, the two of your were mirroring each other’s slowly emerging grins.

“And the butterflies in your stomach when you get close?”

He nods and it’s his turn again, “and the ticklish itch to want to hold your hand?” you two step closer to each other

“And the same ticklish feeling to kiss you?” you both nod and giggle together too.

The confession hangs between you, heavy and significant as you stare into each other’s eyes. Your hearts have been set free. Your mind racing to process the interaction between you two. Sirius Black, the heartthrob of Hogwarts, wants to hold your hand and kiss you. He’s not just a rival anymore, he’s silently begging you to be something more. And you’ll answer him but first…

“Say it…” you whisper, stretching your neck up to move your faces closer together.

“...Can’t I just show you instead?” he counters softly, his hands sliding over your hips and settling over the curve of them as he brings you closer.

“No,” you shake your head and bite your lip in a poor attempt to suppress your grin, “you have to say it first,”

As your hands settle on his shoulders, he arches a brow and the playful sparkle in his eyes are back again, “but it’ll be more romantic if I just show you,”

“Sirius,” your voice is monotone and stern and your eyes give him that ‘don’t play with me’ look. Unable to help himself, he throws his head back and laughs.

“Alright alright,” he relents and smiles when your soft, adoring look returns to your features, “Cassandra,” your name on his lips is music to your ears, so soft, so sweet and so loving, “Cass, I love you,” a wide grin stretches your lips and you squirm in place from how happy you were feeling. You were just about to return the sentiment when– “now it’s your turn,”

“Seriously?”

“My name is Sirius…so…”

You stare at him blankly.

“Any day now, Cass… Take your time but please hurry up,”

His response draws a giggle from you, “I love you too Sirius,”

In that moment, the world around you disappears. It's just you and Sirius, two opposites who somehow found a common language in each other. His smile mirrors yours and he pulls you into a gentle, yet passionate kiss. It's a kiss that speaks of new beginnings, of unexpected love found in the midst of playful rivalry.

A/N : im so sorry this was so late darling! although i really do hope you enjoyed the read,

1K MILESTONE EVENT : CLOSED | NAVI.

1K MILESTONE MLIST

#sirius black #sirius black imgaine #sirius black fic #sirius black fluff #sirius black x moot #moot : cassandra #☀︎ : 1k milestone #☀︎ : 1k #1k milestone #🍰 : cake 1k

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foxxyrola · 1 year ago

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Step 0: Learning to Learn

The biggest challenge in my self improvement journey begins with a question: "How in the nine hells am I supposed to sit my ass down and learn anything? My body just keeps pacing around, looking for yet another distraction. iwi"

Don't get me wrong, I desperately want to apply myself, just struggle in the initiation. And the follow through. I would take a few lessons in learning Godot for game making, then move on to something else, new and shiny. I'd learn all the Hiragana, but then not touch the Japanese language for weeks. All ambition, no action, or something like that.

Being fed up with this, I do get moments where honestly I sometimes just have to, well... Do things! Anything. I'm desperate for the dopamine hit of accomplishing something non vidya gayme related. I have to plant my ass in a chair (even if it takes an hour of pacing before I can even settle down), and give myself something to focus on as if it's life or death. I'd journal when I can. Watch some informative videos without absorbing much of it. Get stuck passively on self help YouTube and all that.

Well... It seems I got something out of it. Lately been looking into Cybersecurity (just a surface dive, like most of my dives are) and in addition to learning a little about certifications and stuff, I discovered that Coursera is a good place to find some lessons (for free too mind you, as long as you don't need their certificates or whatevs) not just for coding, but for many other things.

This is one of these (free) courses that I found: https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn

Yup, learning how to learn. Seems cheesy. Almost blew it off and didn't take it. But hey, night shifts give me a bit of free time each night, so chooms, I jumped in about a week ago and without a doubt, I certainly do not regret it.

So far in the first week of the course I watched all the necessary videos, and passed the simple quizzes for week 1. The course establishes two modes of thinking every human uses: focused and diffuse. Focused being when you think deeply on something you know how to solve already, following established prestructured neural pathways. Diffuse on the other hand being that abstract association you get when you passively sift through your brain, in sleep and relaxing, and when you're not actively looking for a concrete solution but rather let your mind wander and put things together.

Now, I've heard about routine and pomodoro techniques and taking breaks to space out learning, but it seems that with this course, something clicked. Applying the things I learned by taking personal summary notes afterwards and both actively and passively thinking about what I've just absorbed, I suddenly felt fulfilled.

I started a self care routine (nothing super much yet, just 2 hours of unwinding and exercise and meditating before bed among other things) by setting up a schedule in an app I found called RoutineFlow. Yeah, I'm not getting it consistently yet, but every day I try to at least take a step to do what I gotta do, that little push that'll help me work through stuff. I just want to get myself to do the basics so that I can grow from there.

Then I encountered my first obstacle: taking notes. The Learning to Learn course has optional materials: readings, interviews, all that fun scop. I go through fairly passively til I encounter one material. A short paper with notes on note taking from Harvard. Some 30 pages. I know I need this, I know I need to sit down and do this as it'll help.

But I couldn't do it. One day, then another day, then the weekend passes, and now I'm back at work again on Monday. My legs are restless, can't seem to sit down and do things.

So I start writing this blog. Immediately afterwards... I still can't do it.

I walk around, pace, try and sit down... Another 30 minutes passes before I open things up and begin taking notes. I literally force myself to sit, set a 25 minute pomodoro... Ok now just gotta focus in this time. Come on I can do it...!

Oh hey I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it! I start learning the material, taking some Cornell Notes on it(a good way to review notes and test yourself die to its structure) as soon as the time'l ran up, I take a break. Wow! That actually wasn't so hard. The hardest part was just sitting down and telling myself that this is what I wanna learn.

So over my free time at work over a few 25 min sessions, I learnt the importance of taking notes in my own words, reviewing them often but not cramming all at once, and testing myself on my knowledge.

It was just that first step. But hey, the more I do this, the easier it gets! Consistency, that's the name of the game. I may not have learned any new coding skills or any new words or anything, but the experience has been a most important one.

Anyways, as I finish this up, it is now time for my morning self care routine. Feeling accomplished, I think things can only get easier if I keep setting aside the time and rewarding myself consistently.

Just gotta put my ass in the chair.

#learn to code #codeblr #coding #writing #self improvement #self healing #im lazy #overwhelmed #learning #learn japanese #motivation

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faggotry-enjoyer · 10 months ago

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https://definitions.uslegal.com/d/death-threat/

Under state criminal codes, which vary by state, it is an offense to knowingly utter or convey a threat **to cause** death or bodily harm to any person.

It is also an offense to threaten to burn, destroy or damage property or threaten to kill, poison or injure an animal or bird that belongs to a person.

You got hate, possibly a threat. A death threat is not what happened. You argue pedantics of how trauma survivors, POC, and more marginalized groups speak constantly and I think it's okay to do it to you as well.

I understand that you want attention (turning back on anon asks) but you can seriously be doing better for yourself. Obviously what that person said is out of line and I don't share the same sentiments, but you can't claim to be the victim of something that serious in this case. I hope you grow up a little but I don't want to facilitate it. Learn to recognize your white, goy, financially well position of power over other people and try to understand why so many people are upset with you.

Sincerely, someone who has been through worse and is still a decent person through it all.

i concede that the other ask may not have technically been a death threat. i maintain that focusing on that technicality here is messed up - someone just told me they want me to die. that's frightening no matter how you cut it.

in general, i actually tend to find the progressive fixation on language very frustrating. i only talk about language like that when it's actively harmful, and even then i know there's a time and a place.

for example, i talk on here about how phrases like "narcissistic abuse" contribute to demonization of personality disorders, but i would never choose to focus on that if somebody used the term when talking to me about their own trauma, because i know that's not the most important thing in that moment by a long shot. you do understand the difference between the two, right? hell, in this vein i even share stuff that has this kind of saneist language i would otherwise object to, because i'm capable of recognizing when terminology is a distraction.

the other one you probably have in mind is the way i discuss the misuse of terms like zionism, or dogwhistles more generally. and here? if you genuinely think that the kind of rhetoric that gets jews killed is on the same level as using somewhat stronger language than necessary while shaken, that's a you issue. especially because the people i'm talking to with this one are western leftists, who have left jews out of their activism for years and completely abandoned them since october 7th, to say nothing of the more active antisemitism. i'm not talking to palestinians who are directly affected, i'm talking to people who have the power to foment the kind of antisemitism that, again, gets jews killed. the western left are not in any way the victims here.

i didn't turn anon asks back on for attention, i did it because i usually prefer it that way and i'd hoped enough time had passed since the last unsettling anons i got. the blocklist dropped after that.

you don't get to decide that i can do better for myself, and i don't want you to facilitate my "growing up" either. i don't need the mentorship of cowards who won't dare to show their face when they condescend to me.

fascinating choice to bring up my goyische position of power here. for one, do you really think i'm unaware of that? the thing that i'm talking and sharing about every day? for two, in case you didn't notice, somebody just told me they want me to die because i stood up for jews. that's antisemitism. does it have the same kind of impact on me that it does on jews? not at all, not by any stretch of the imagination. this is a small, small taste of the kind of thing they go through on a daily basis. and even this is unnerving. do you think i don't know how much worse it is for them? do you think i don't come on here and listen to their pain every single day? you are using jews as a prop to get one over on me and it's not working. the day i shut up about antisemitism is the day i die. the day i abandon jews for the approval of other leftists is the day i die.

dressing your suck it up mentality in progressive language doesn't make it any less callous.

i'm sorry that you went through worse - genuinely, i am - and i'm sorry that you feel the need to assert that when someone dares to go through less than you did. it's sad to see the amount of cognitive dissonance on display here and i wish you well in resolving it.

#faggotry enjoyer asks #as always jewish mutuals/followers/etc you are welcome to correct critique etc. esp w point 7 #i don't mean to be positioning myself as an expert here by any means

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arytha · 2 years ago

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orchid, cactus, bamboo, abelia, daffodil, mahonia, chia, camellia, jasmine, ivy, chamomile, aloe vera, palm tree, taro for get-to-know-me asks?

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect?

I. So I don't consider things by 'perfection' honestly but Fuck is CLASS::EXSPHERE_NOSURGE; a song that will forever kick my ass. Absolute favourite song of all time.

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)?

Waves my little Chinese Mandarin language learning app 'Hello Chinese' that helps (but with how i remember to do stuff i keep forgetting to do things) me remember that I actually did take 2 years of Mandarin in school.

bamboo ⇢ do you change into a different outfit when you get home?

Yeah I generally change out of my scrubs and into pjs. Usually a tank top and shorts 👍 be comfy

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

Nope. Actually I used to wear a ring all the time, and then I lost it. And I used to wear a necklace all the time but I kept putting it in my mouth and it wore off the cheap silver coating. (for reference these were both while i was in middle school). I can't stand wearing jewelry daily anymore, it gets in the way.

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?

Yep, two younger brothers. I don't get along well at all with the older one (nothing in common at all), but the youngest has a similar humor as me and we're pretty good friends..

mahonia ⇢ what place, thing, activity inspires you most and how do you express yourself when it does?

Ehhhhh. Mainly reading inspires me the most honestly. Sometimes a song will also give me the executive function to create too, but it depends on whether I have the time to draw or write at the time!

chia ⇢ what’s an inside joke you have with someone else?

Logan and I have an adage we quote all the time which is simply: Don't worry about it.

Character is showing a weird side in a show we're watching? Oh, don't worry about it.

I make a weird noise? Don't worry about it.

Didn't catch the last half of a lewd joke or simply just a sentence he's said? Don't worry about it.

Its used more maliciously (in jest) than anything but its the funniest fucking thing we've let become a running joke.

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

Ah. Well, I basically wasn't a human being until 2018 or so, so.... Trauma (and clinical depression and overwhelming anxiety) did a number on me. Its actually rather hard to remember my life unless I focus on really trying to remember things. I was a lot quieter tho, read books to escape reality, and had like. No friends. I tried to validate myself through internet 'friends' and made a lot of mistakes in the pursuit of being a human. I have changed a lot (and I better have, i've healed and matured quite a bit), but I do think I still hold some of my core. qualities i think.

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again?

I'm never reading The Series of Unfortunate Events again. You can't make me. I LOVE the books. I cannot read them again. I Own the books (in nice shiny hardcover with the original printing, too), they are never going to be anything more than used space on my shelf.

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

Uhhh my state of attentiveness I think. Logan says I enter 'screensaver mode' when tired but I'm not sure what actually changes. They can usually pinpoint it straight away tho fhdjs

Like if I'm more attentive and listening and engaging with you (ofc this is more for real life/voice call) im usually in a better state, I tend to tune things out when i get upset or tired or annoyed. Idk.

chamomile ⇢ what kind of things do you like receiving as gifts?

I have suuuuuch a soft spot for plushies. Its insane how soft I am over even just. a little guy. I don't even collect plushies but they always end up being my favorite present somehow. My coworker gave me a really soft Pusheen last year for my birthday(? or xmas) and god that thing lives at the end of my bed now but i was holding on to it daily for Months.

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?

Living in a house and not having anything in it that would deter me from. wanting to go home?This is a genuine first thought don't look into it too much..

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

am i allowed to like the little shit that is Asahi from ffxiv (the answer is no. I love him tho (and Fandaniel))

taro ⇢ if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about?

(if they're close enough) I'd probably talk a bit about my recent art for Era and Lorne? I don't have a life that's bery interesting unless you are willing to let me babble about my recent hyperfixations...

#me looking at this: oh you just sent me almost all of them #GO LISTEN TO THE SONG #ALSO THANK! YOU FOR THE ASK! ITS FUN #mara's shit

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mokvfox · 6 months ago

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I'll probably never experience romance of any kind. As black woman who can't talk to men she finds attractive, I don't think love will find me. But I want it.

I moved to a country without learning the language and now, I've fucked myself. I wanted to try dating in my home country, but I wasn't in a safe environment for it. I wanted to live on my own first before I tried dating. I wanted to get settled and everything. Unfortunately, life doesn't go as plan.

I don’t regret moving to this country. I even want to remain here. I've been learning the language diligently since entering the country and I can't for the life of me see a future where I'm not here. Luckily, I have many avenues that I can take on my own to remain. I love my job and the friends I've made here. I feel like moving here has made me healthier physically. But emotionally and mentally, I'm a wreck.

I started off fine. But I realized rather quickly that I had achieved most of my goals in life. I try to bid my time learning the language, going to gym, joining clubs, and doing various activities, but my mind wanders. I try to focus on the future owning a home, bring my pet over, growing in my career field, finding a high paying job, learning the language, but then my mind wanders. It wanders back to the same thing: romantic relationships.

I wanted to try dating and eventually, I wanted to get married. Hence, why I wanted to date in my home country. I wanted experience. As of right now in my late 20s I have zero experience, and I'm extremely sad.

Maybe I fucked up. I shouldn't have asked people out on dates or told people I liked them. I shouldn't have pursued in my job or school. Maybe I should have kept trying with the apps even though I hate them. Confessing to my friend was mistake. Are my standards too high? I mean wanting some who cares for himself and his home, isn't wrong? Him being kind and considerate, isn't wrong? Wanting someone to talk to and work out with isnt wrong? I want to hear about his day, his worries, and share moments with him. But he doesn't exist.

My life feels so incomplete. I should be satisfied. I have everything I wanted. I'm no longer being abused. I have my dream body. I'm traveling, and I've made awesome friends. Why do I want to be in love and be loved so badly? It's miserable.

Maybe I should keep waiting, but I've been waiting on a boyfriend since I was a teen. I've waited through high school. Teen romance can get messy, right? I told myself college would be best. But the two guys I showed interest in didn't want me. And the nice guy I gave chance thought I was whore after a week even though I've never had sex or done anything sexual. So, I said university. Then Covid19 happened and also, I didn't stay on campus and I drove an hour to get there prior to covid. So, interaction with men was limited. I tried clubbing here and back in my home country. I realize now I hate being groped by strangers.

I'm starting to sense I'm doomed. I tried dating apps, but it's very dehumanizing on both ends. I feel bad swiping next on people I don't know. Even though I haven't met them in real life, it feels weird to me. Like I didn't give them a fair shot. And writing what makes me interesting is so difficult. I don't know. Why am I writing a resume for a relationship or even a date? I don't even like doing that for work.

I'll try therapy, but I fear the therapist will tell me "Wait maybe you'll find love in your 30s, 40s or 50s. You're still young." or "There is nothing wrong with being alone. You have friends who are a strong support system" or "You can't just date anyone. You don't want to end up in an abuse relationship or unsatisfying one." or "Try the apps again."

I know I don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. That's why I don't fall for guys easily. I also only like men who like me. If they don't like me, I'm out. I'm not a placeholder or a punching bag or a therapist. I'm a person. Treat me with the same respect as you do a friend, a family member, a stranger, or a boss. The apps don't treat people like actual breathing humans in my opinion. I'm not pictures and a resume. Dating shouldn't feel like a job.

I don't want my youth to go to waste. My body will break down and I will be left with nothing to offer. I worked hard to feel and find myself attractive. I want to share that with someone who cares about me like I do them. But as I said in the beginning. It's hopeless. If I don't find you attractive mentally, physically, and emotionally, it's not going to work.

This is another reason why I didn't want to date during my high school/college/university years. I didn't find myself physically, emotionally, or mentally attractive. So, I went to therapy, moved out of that horrible environment, and I got a body I love to see in the mirror. I'm living the life of my dream as I explained earlier, but I still feel something missing.

Soon it will be a year since I left home. I want to be in love, but who would want a black romantically awkward woman like me. Language barriers and cultural barriers. Maybe my need for romance will never be satisified. How do I keeping going knowing I may never experience romantic love?

#love #romance #inexperienced

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gefdreamsofthesea · 1 year ago

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I can't sleep so here's my review of Devoted to You: Honoring Deity in Wiccan Practice by Judy Harrow (et al).

The content is based on the "Deity Focus" exercise in Harrow's coven, where participants choose a deity and then spend a month researching their myths, cooking foods from their native culture, wearing their colors and symbols, making offerings, etc. The structure is based on the four "Greater" or "Earth" sabbats. Four contributors, four deities: Anubis, Brigid, Aphrodite, and Gaia.

The title says honoring deity in Wiccan practice but two of the contributors are reconstructionists (but don't strike me as particularly hardcore).

Harrow states in the introduction that she hopes the material can serve as a jumping off point for your own devotional practice but I think you'd get the most out of it if you are interested in a relationship with any of the deities named above but I did still find interesting bits. I don't worship Kemetic deities for reasons but found the funeral rite in the Anubis chapter very moving. I think my favourite chapter is Alexei Kondratiev's chapter on Brigid, I really liked how he talked about Brigid as a domestic goddess and a foster mother to her devotees. You can tell that he loved her very much. The sections on Aphrodite and Anubis were fine. The Aphrodite section's author being like "you should definitely try to learn Attic Greek" prompted a slight eyeroll. Listen so few of us have time to learn basement modern Greek. It's great if you can learn another language and feel it makes your rituals more authentic/connected to that deity's culture but I guess I'm just grumpy from the "if it's not in Old Norse it's invalid" language fetishism of some Heathens.

The only section I really didn't like was, funnily enough, Harrow's own chapter on Gaia. She talks about Gaia not as the Greek deity, but as Mother Earth and Lovelock's Gaia Hypothesis. She also talks about the role of activism (environmental in this case) and ways of connecting to the environment in your area (including mapping out where you live). Where I think this section fell flat for me is that some of her advice strikes me as a bit tone deaf (keep in mind this was published in 2003). She talks about the importance of simple living and how living lightly on the Earth means living according to an adage from the Great Depression. I just feel like idk the Great Depression kind of really sucked and the adage grew out of desperate poverty and not a desire to save the planet. She also falls into that trap where you, the individual, are personally responsible for destroying the environment and so you personally must use less plastic straws and take fewer baths. Ma'am I am not a corporation dumping toxic waste in the ocean. I am a person who uses one garbage bag every two weeks and I don't even fill the garbage bag most of the time.

Anyways aside from that, not a bad book, might recommend if it wasn't oop.

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memoirs-of-learning-dad · 2 years ago

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The biggest thing on my mind is Paapu's birthday party tomorrow. Btw paapu means baby in my native tongue and that's what I call my little one.

The little hurricane will be 2 year old. F***!! 2 years, I have done this, don't know how. Just stumbling through one day at a time, learning as I go; jumping into the deep end. We are having a party with some friends coming over. Ordered some snacks, getting a custom cake.

Today we cleaned the entire house - paapu helped as well, lol! It was hilarious she was holding a broom and acting like it was a vacuum. But it was a fun day. I'm at my best and most comfortable when the three of us spend time like this. Just doing normal things around the house, hanging out with each other. Tomorrow will be different. There will be guests.

I'm nervous. Is our house big enough to fit that many people comfortably? Is paapu gonna freak out because of all these people? She's had serious strangers anxiety the past couple of months. Are we supposed to entertain the guests or something? How do I do that? Wifey (sorry for the cliche nickname, but I'll think of something better) says she's gonna do some activities with the kids in the party. well wtf are the adults going to do? watch the kids? there are some guests that are coming who don't have kids. Am I supposed to, like, go around talking to all the people? Lol, so awkward making small talk. I don't even have that many topics to talk about, lol, forget thinking about common topics for discussion with each of them. And it's a small space everybody will be so crowded.. ugh. I seriously wish I hadn't lost my conversation skills after college.

How do you guys deal with such things? I don't want paapu to see me all nervous and awkward around people, shy, and develop the same way. She's a badass already - she's unafraid. she's not even two, and in grocery stores and parks she used to literally walk up to people look them in the eye, say hi, interact and everything. But she's becoming shy, is it because she sees us (both wife and me are kind of shy introverts) and learns? Or is it just a phase of strangers anxiety? How do I make sure she keeps her confidence and spirit?

Anyway, I hope it will be a fun couple of hours tomorrow. My parents will join via zoom, hopefully my dad doesn't spread negativity by passing some stupid comment and hurting, insulting, provoking my wife. God, I just want a birthday party with no drama, is that too much to ask? There's just been so much drama lately, oof, so much tension, it's unhealthy. I know he's going to say something to either me or my wife or do something that's going to affect me. What bothers me is that paapu is able to read my face, my expressions, my body language and figure out whenever I get sad or upset or agitated. It's amazing how much emotional intelligence a 2 year old kid has, it blows my mind. No I can't let that happen, I have to focus on maintaining my composure tomorrow, think about the party only, paapu only. It's about paapu I hope it stays about paapu. Is it normal for married/committed men? The tension between wife and parents? Is a big part of being husband, just being torn between the two parties? How do you guys deal with all that? I'm seriously open to getting suggestions. Either way, I think I have found a healthy way for myself. well at least it's been working quite well for the past couple of months - no drama. What is it, you ordinary troubled men ask? Listening. Don't try to be a hero, don't try to be a peacemaker. Both parties just want you to listen to their grievances. I believe in the goodness in people - I believe neither do your parents expect you to go fight with the spouse nor does the spouse expect you to fight with parents. Well, at least that's what I believe. Nobody wants confrontation or drama. When one party is bitching about the other, just listen - don't let the opinions register or impact, don't act. Just say the magic words "I hear you".

Anyway, I was sidetracked there quite a bit, lol. Coming back to the party, I hope it goes well. Only the best for paapu you know? I'm so looking forward to seeing her face when she cuts the cake - it's a jungle themed cake, she absolutely loves animals, seeing her being the center of attention, lovely!!

Also hoping that I can finally try and strike deeper friendships with some of the guests. I mean, I literally don't have any friends here who I can hang out with or talk. I don't know if it's COVID lockdown or just a part of growing up and becoming a parent, but I really don't feel like I have friends anymore. you know the kind you go out for a drink with or get high. Somebody you can call for when you need them. There's nobody like that for me anymore. It's been like this for almost 5 years now, it's about time I open up a bit, reach out and make some new friends. There's this couple of neighbor dudes I'm hoping to strike a deeper connection with. One's my next door neighbor, that guy is cool, we have a lot of common interests, he's geeky, into strange music, loves fantasy and movies and sci-fi, likes hikes and nature. I think we can be good friends, but I'm just scared of reaching out to him to ask to hang out. 16 months we've lived next to each other, I have asked him to go for a drink with me once. Then there's this other guy, he's smart, we hit it off immediately he had the same cultural upbringing as mine, he's a new parent too, so there's a lot of life and personal struggles and issues we can connect about and talk. But, he has a 1 year old - I know how busy and stressful it is when your kid is that young. I'm making an effort to hang out more with this guy, hoping it blossoms into a nice friendship.

So ya. No pressure, anybody who reads this, please send good wishes to paapu, and pray that everything goes well, no drama. Hope y'all have a wonderful day, after all it's a special day for me and I'm sending good vibes to the world!

#positivity #birthday #introversion #parenting #family

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nokingsonlyfooles · 9 months ago

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Hahaha. So. Uh. *rocking back and forth like I'm waiting outside the principal's office* Yeeeah. Finish the queue and plug the thing, and I'm reblogging this one to plug it because... I have made a poor decision. But I explain too much, so first off:

I write this. I broke my website to fix it, and it's not quite fixed but it's legible. I think someone's reading or rereading right now, but I am super obscure and looking for more!

Known readers: 3 (hi!) 1st Goalpost: 10?

Known Supporters: I'm set up on Ko-fi but I'm not asking for money until I post more stuff!! 1st Goalpost: 5?

And let me tell you about my maladaptive coping skills...

So, I've learned to dissociate like a boss (no details, just accept that this happened to me for reasons!) and I like to tell myself stories. Not just like daydreams, I wanna get the language down and edit and everything. And, ya know, now that I'm older, with better writing shit that nobody will take away from me, I often write this stuff down. Tin Soldier has provided an outlet for that. I usually stick to it, and now Soldier On fills that niche pretty well...

But, oh no, I had to phrase the impossible (because it would be apocalyptic or boring) crossover fic, above, as a plot problem. And I've been having a very stressful week (eye shit and doctor shit) and I became trapped at a restaurant with the US news playing muted in the background while I ate. To paraphrase Alastor: Haha, so many bombings!

So, yeah, I solved it. I figured out how to get David situated at the Hazbin Hotel without getting him killed (and/or ruling Hell from a radio broadcast). And could I just go "OK, cool" and leave it alone like I should? NO!

I do not have the social skills to be active in fan spaces, folks. I read and shut up, when I read at all. Because I'm not going to be invested enough to know why the fandom has decided this is fanon and this isn't and I will cross lines I don't even see. And I'm too old to be running around on the internet, pissing in people's Wheaties over something I like. And, although David dates to 2017 and I am staying true to the skills he had at the time (plus the Compelling Voice, which is standard for his current situation), it sure as hell LOOKS like I made up a Mary Sue just to drag Alastor. And he does! Boy, does he!

Some folks say the Muses inspire. Stephen King says it's little elves who live in your keyboard. I say SATAN HIMSELF crawled into my ear and whispered, "You know, Barnaby is in hiding and Alastor is a perfect replacement goldfish. They're both aromantic and you know David needs (and hates) boundaries like that!" And I could not refute this!

I should embrace it. I should be shameless. I should say, "I am now involved in writing a verbal chess match between two incredibly skilled opponents, one of whom has just stuffed the other into a maid outfit, and the other of whom is still wearing said maid outfit while trying to maintain every scrap of dignity and dominance available - and Alastor is winning! Alastor in a maid outfit is winning! I can't believe it!" But I can't because I think it makes me sound like a clueless dork. (Well, the spouse hears me, I trust him.)

I have a file titled "I should NOT be writing this!" and I'm still writing it. I usually finish that stuff - I have files with titles like "Anything to Keep the Anxiety Down!" but it's all my own characters so I don't feel as bad about it. My stress levels are still through the roof (feeling hopeless about lack of ability to maintain focus on fine details, and sensory overload from unfortunate food) and I'll probably keep writing this one, like I keep eating a Cup Noodle even when I know it's real bad for me and I need fruits and veggies. I need to write the NDA dealing with the spy and completing their escape. I'm gonna write my OC sparring with a certified Tumblr sexyman until my neurons fall out from brain scurvy.

But will I show it to anyone other than my long-suffering spouse? I dunno. If you actually know David, you'll probably die laughing, but that's only a couple people. Everyone else'll be like "lol why u so angry?" And I wanna sit 'em all down and explain at length, "No! I'm not angry! I'm having fun! They're PERFECT for each other! I want them to experience CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT together! I HAVE THEMES TO EXPLORE!" I'm actually, finally getting one of David's three backstories written out! I'm gonna try my hand at writing original lyrics to instrumental ragtime - potentially creating music that would not get smacked with the copyright stick if I wanted to record or perform it! But these do not seem like the words of an author honing their craft, I just sound unhinged.

I'd be having way more fun if I really were unhinged, but I don't like to hurt people or even annoy them, ya know? I'm out looking for approval on the internet and that's precarious as fuck. I'm not cool. I can't just hold my head up and do whatever I want. You people will eat me. (Waaay more like Alastor than David in that way.)

But I'm writing it. I don't feel good about it. I'll probably get over myself and put it up somewhere eventually, even if it's just another Author Egg at the site. Alastor is IN the maid outfit and we'll see if David gets him to mop the floor. And it's got themes and poignancy and shit because apparently I can't help myself.

It's practice if nothing else but goddamn look at all these paragraphs over how conflicted I feel.

tl;dr? I'M SO GOOD AT ANXIETY, EVEN MY COPING MECHANISMS GIVE ME ANXIETY!

Oh God. David Heard There's Room Service In Hell!!

Once again, I am testing my drawing ability by NOT doing any of the MANY illustrations I need, but I would've been sad if I couldn't finish an illustration. And look! I made it! I CAN DRAW! (And collage, obvs not my suitcase or BG, but all Public Domain)!! Well, my stylus needs a new battery, BUT, IN THEORY, I CAN DRAW! It's low res like all my test images, and I don't think I'm gonna put Vivziepop out of business anytime soon, but I'm fond of it.

That's why I'm so sad that it'll NEVER EVER HAPPEN. As a storyteller (albeit an obscure one) let me elucidate...

Strictly in terms of narrative viability, David hails from an incompatible universe. For an Invisible, he's middling. The Compelling Voice he's so fond of seems to be standard-issue, he's just more of an asshole about using it. In Tin Soldier and Soldier On, he's not all that hard to beat. Some people even have a natural immunity! He's only a threat in the first place because nobody knows what he can do.

But the minute he rolls up to the Hazbin Hotel, not only does nobody know what he can do, nobody has that natural immunity, and it would be hard as hell (haha) to beat him with their combat-friendly magic system. David isn't doing that Capcom-esque "freeze the enemy for a few seconds while they're looking at it" hypnosis. He's issuing unbreakable commands. If you're not deaf, the only way to beat him is to forget what he said. And that seems like it would be difficult, if not impossible, for most of the cast. Alastor certainly won't stoop to inflicting head trauma or hypnosis or amnesiac-levels of liquor on himself.

And that MIGHT not be a problem, except as soon as Dave meets Al he's gonna go from zero to nemesis in about three seconds flat. "Hmm, let's see. Neat freak, carefully-curated personality, perma-smile, never a moment's weakness... That's a pathetic little traumatized man-baby and I'm going to pull him out of his shell if I need to use a crab fork!" And, canonically, Alastor is also willing to make enemies that quickly. David has a sense of humour and no sense of self preservation, combat tentacles and veiled threats ain't gonna do it. Round one, David's gonna mop the floor with the Radio Demon.

...And by that, I mean he'd stuff Alastor into one of Niffty's frilliest little outfits and literally make him mop the floor, and even Charlie encouraging him to be a better person wouldn't get him to quit. Also, he'd be ignoring her and bending over backwards to get Angel's attention.

"Oh, listen. The man is over one hundred years old with zero interest in one-night stands or whirlwind romances. Prohibition isn't a thing anymore, drinking and dancing just doesn't cut it. Give him a chance to develop a fetish for something a little bit taboo..."

"I̸̠̤̐̄̄ ̸͕̝͙̌A̸̪̅M̴̭̰̙̎̓ ̶͓̻̐̉L̷̹͕̍I̷̯͗T̷̫̄Ȩ̶̾̋R̴̝̥͒A̷͔̩͋̃̕Ļ̵͗͜L̶̘̈́Y̵͇̓͗̂ ̴̼̪̘͠Ā̷̠̽̆ ̶͍͓̊̉C̷̣͕̺͆̃͝A̵͙̾̅N̶̥̬̮̄N̴̤̯̬̒̉̚I̴̩̜̍B̷͈̪̩̄À̴̝̦L̶̪͂͛͗!̶̟̆"

"That's not a fun night out. It's barely even a meal, what with the garbage they're feeding people these days. I imagine everyone tastes like a fucking 'Cool Ranch Dorito.'" [while making quote marks with both hands] "Isn't he from Louisiana? They invented spicy! Tell me, my deer fellow, is the cross-dressing and domination lighting up any dials?"

"Ì̴̗ ̶̧̫͓͋W̵͜͝Í̸̗͋L̴͔͆̊̌L̴̨̜͚͂ ̸͈̤́Ḱ̵̳̩͜Í̷̘̾L̶̨̫̬̉͋̌Ļ̵̱̗͐͊ ̴̧̣͊̄̈́Y̴̛͖̺͓̓̐O̶̢̦̍̀U̷̠̞͇̎ ̷̨̛̮̭I̷̙̜̽N̸̘̣͙̆ ̵̞͑͝Y̷̰̭̽O̷̟̘̹̓Ủ̶̢̏R̷͉͑̄̀ ̷̧̧̤̎Ŝ̶̱̃��L̵̰͋Ȅ̸̜̗̙̊̍E̷͇̦̒P̷͈̝̅̆͌.̴̡͈̅͑̓͜"

"My good man, I have unlimited access to drugs and a fun new activity, WHY WOULD I SLEEP? What shall we try next? Do you have any drugs, Angel? Oh, of course you do! Do you think he's more of an upper or a downer person? I think a few muscle relaxants might loosen up that permanent rictus of social anxiety, but God only knows. You must be smoking a crate of cigarettes a day! Do you even brush? Your teeth, I mean. Do you suppose those lovely people at Lourdes make a mouthwash...?"

And Charlie would say, clasping her little hands, "Okay! What if we make some popcorn and talk about our childhood traumas? Yaaaay!"

But David would, inevitably, pass out. Most likely after binging and doing untold damage with Angel. And Alastor would kill him... And that's where we have the biggest fucking plot problem of all. Alastor's go-to method of disposal is tearing people to pieces while broadcasting it on the radio. And it seems like their screaming continues for quite some time, perhaps eternally.

I have expressed this in song form, because I have a weird brain and I couldn't resist.

Wait, wait, nevermind the eternal torment. Can these little hellions hear me? Test, test, is this thing on? Pardon me, could you quiet down a bit? I have a few things I’d like to… Will you stop screaming? Ugh. EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND LISTEN RIGHT NOW! That’s better. I have a little message for my executive producer. Well! I say! Colour me startled, you fulfilled your vow Think you’ve won? But I’ve barely begun! I’m always looking for new fans to wow Can you hear me NOW? [aside] Will you screamers sing backup if I command it? Can I get a little harmony? (We… can’t help ourselves?) I am eternal, and guess who’s just boosted my signal So I can reach all of you lovely new people? (We can’t help ourselves!) It’s your own Radio Demon! What was he thinking? (We can’t help ourselves!) What was he drinking? Ha! His dial must be twisted! Now I’m serenading the damned for my infinite span All according to plan! Am I a madman or a genius? I’m a pianist! Take that, FCC I’m a wonder, your saviour Please excuse my rude behaviour, (but the demon sure done fucked up!) Think he did me a favour? Silence my vocals? A failure! I’m louder and I’m certainly braver So crank the signal to the noise, and enjoy my compelling voice It’s nice to have all these new toys, (but our deer friend is annoyed) A Spirit of Radio beats a demon blow for blow This Invisible is crackling on the air! Well, one does like to believe Though you’re stuck, I’m almost free! That’s what you think! Your weak signal can’t compare Though you’ve had a little fun Your broadcast is done, and it’s time for your payback I’m in control Too bad you atomized my soul! … Not this attention-starved, brandy-addled, overgrown twink Guilty! What could be more absurd? A plagiarist bird Tweety-pie can’t even sing, his theft is pitchy You call that bitchy? I’m afraid that’s not entertainment! You're looking for a new twist? Then let’s remix the arrangement! Is Al as stiff as he projects? What sorts of kinks do you suspect? I’ve seen lacy details with my very eyes! He lies! And if I Tiked a Tok or two Well, there’s nothing he can do! A V̷̰͖̉̂͝İ̶̙D̵̛̻̮̙͛̕E̴̼̱̕Ŏ̷͆ͅ?̷̗͎̞̏̅! If I did, you can’t delete it That's the truth! When I find you in here, Ÿ̴͕̚Õ̸̠̝̕Ů̵̩̹Ŕ̸͔ ̸̬̋̂̔͜T̸̮̙͌̕Ő̵͔͕̑̄R̵̩̣̅͌̌͜M̷̝̹̾̏Ĕ̶̦͕̟Ň̶̮͊Ṱ̷̲̈̔̈ ̵̡̹̟̑Ẅ̷̝́͝I̷͉͋ͅL̴͎̞̎L̶̯͓͑ ̵̬͐͐͝Ḅ̸͚̬̅Ẹ̴̎̿͠ ̴̻͉̲̐̈́͠N̵̖̟̤͑̽E̴͙͎͘V̸̡͕̦̾̕Ė̵̝͈̀Ŕ̴̺-̸̡̱̇̾̉E̴̠̣̊̐̋Ń̵͔̬̝̑D̴̡̬͙̓İ̴͔͋͊N̸̞̙͐̒Ĝ̷̼̺̐͆.̸̤̭́̐̅.̸̰̓͝.̷̤̬̌ #MaidioDemon is trending! Y̴̼̿͆O̶̟͇͊̏͜Ǔ̸͈ ̴̨̫͘I̷̡͓̜̍̈́̽N̸̜̩̉̄͝S̵͚͈̭̅̓Ĩ̸̢̯͇͘Ṗ̶̩̭̦I̴̱͑D̷̨͖̚ͅ,̴̥͕̌̈̾ ̸̛̳̈́Ṭ̶̢̠͒Ė̸̱̼̕C̸̙̥̈́H̵͓̠̔̀N̷̖͝Ǒ̶̬Ć̶͔̃͘Ř̶͙͍͠Ä̴̟́̊T̴̳̉̊͜I̶̞̓͝C̵̢̨̲͐̇̎.̵̼̏͋.̷͎̆ͅ.̸̘̜̒ Darling, please, you’re lost in static One thing’s clear! You must be wishing that you took the L, you poor deer Say farewell. I’m very grateful that you gave me Hell Oh, this will be swell! [Vivziepop, distantly:] Fuck!

"Stayed Gone" is a patter song and I can't keep up with it as I read it, but I think the lyrical parts scan, at least. A-heh. Please excuse my hubris, but it's doubtful anyone will see this.

Of course, I would never torment someone with arguably GNC-phobic revenge porn, but that guy IS NOT ME. Your only hope for dealing with David is if Vaggie decides he's more of a threat than an amusement and straight up kills him, and that's not a plot, that's a cul-de-sac. So this little not-a-fic is all you'll get from me about this unsustainable situation.

...Alright, I might put Alastor in a maid outfit if anyone cares, but I really should be illustrating. I have precisely 13 to do before I can post more story! Unless I decide to post it anyway!

All apologies to Vivziepop, whom I've name-checked as one of a few creators I'd sell out or saw off my leg to work with. But - although I am tempting fate - prrrobably no one will see this. I'm just doin' a little practice and amusing myself.

Right, Tumblr?

#tin soldier and soldier on #hazbin hotel #long post #fandoms #anxiety

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colourful-void · 3 years ago

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Supporting Satoshi - an examination and comparison of JN36 and XY121

Part Two: Dragging your friends into sandstorms is also not a recommended way to treat depression but at least this one worked

So back to journeys, where Satoshi has just lost three battles in a row and a sandstorm is luring people in over in Hoenn.

Goh is immediately excited about the prospect of a pokemon hiding in the sand and goes to ask Satoshi about coming along. It's a fun note of Goh's character devlopment that his immediate wish is to go together. Goh at the start of the season would easily have abandoned Satoshi to go research on his own, but it doesn't even cross his mind for a second in this episode. Great work Goh!

Satoshi's not doing too hot. He's curled up in a corner talking to himself about how he's dropped a whole class. Goh tells him to cheer up, it was only a few battles, this does not work. Another similarity to the xy episode.

We can see more of the root of the problem here, that Satoshi fears he won't be able to live up to his dreams and that trying is fruitless. Now I know we're on the jp dub but I really wanna shout out the english, because in the english dub satoshi says "Battling (Dande)'s a dream I should get out of my head, I don't deserve it."

"I don't deserve it", like I don't think there's a clearer way to represent the issue here than this line. He doesn't "deserve" to battle Dande, he doesn't even deserve to dream about it.

Goh dismisses these ideas and drags Satoshi out to Hoenn to go find the pokemon in the sandstorm.

They get to the sandstorm, Goh's excited, Satoshi's still upset. Back to the tried and true method of "just don't be sad"! Which of course, does not work.

We can already see the similarites to Serena in Goh's actions. Both try their hardest with genuine intent to cheer up Satoshi using methods that work for them. (You can argue Serena was trying a bit harder here since Goh had alternate motives at play). However, what changes here is what they do afterwords.

The problem of dismissing someone's negitivity as not like them remains and I'm still salty about it, but at least in this senario Goh is affirming Satoshi's postivity and not getting upset with him while he's actively upset. It's marginally better but the problem remains.

But that's not why I love this episode. What matters to me is what comes next.

Despite the distraction, Satoshi's still caught up in his eariler problems. He hasn't actually resolved them, so he can't let them go yet.

The boys make their way through the sandstorm, Goh rescues some people from the sandtrap, its going alright. At least until we run into flygon. Or more specfically, until Goh asks Satoshi for his help battling Flygon.

This is Satoshi's expression when Goh asks him for help. Despite agreeing, he's clearly hesitant about this. He doesn't feel confident in his ability to battle the Flygon. He's so out of it he forgets the type match ups, and uses electric moves on a ground type, which of course are ineffective.

Satoshi continues to self loathe, berating himself for not thinking. His hat begins shading his eyes when this happens! He gets caught up in his mistakes and begins to feel as though everything is hopeless.

Now, Goh doesn't do any of the 'no don't say that, you have to believe in yourself' stuff here. Instead, he keeps battling. He instead redirects the focus back to the fight, which is sort of the more pressing issue. It's also a good way of dealing with the problem as well! Goh's actively strategizing, looking for the next step to take. By doing that he's telling ash, indirectly, not to give up yet because there are still concrete steps to take, and that things aren't hopeless!

Satoshi is still paying attention to the battle though, and picks up on Goh's strategy. Goh and Satoshi also share a glance with each other when Flygon disappears under the sand.

Messon gets beaten and recalled.

and Satoshi begins to spiral. He gets so caught up in his previous losses that he visibly flashes back to them. He panics over what's dangerous for the pokemon, and the footage flashing specifically shows Riolu's losses and it being in pain after being attacked.

Both Pikachu and Goh call out to Satoshi in concern after he falls over and doesn't get up. Satoshi's body langauge is imporant here but unfortunately image limit. He's not clentched up, his fingers are loose. even when he grits his teeth, the rest of his body language all together reads as though he's gone slack. Unfortunately, Goh's attention is pulled away by the Flygon attacking again, and the battle resumes with Rabbifoot.

Satoshi protests Goh's strategy, still afraid that battling in too close is dangerous. Goh turns to him for a moment, but has to keep his attention on Rabbifoot. This actually pulls him out of dazed body langauge, as he tense and clenches his fists when Goh starts to put himself in danger. He's concerned for Goh and Rabbifoot!

Satoshi wonders what Goh's thinking, and he's not even looking at the battle anymore. He's just staring at Goh intently.

Or at least, until Rabbifoot successfully executes the strategy, and uses the meteors as part of ember. It's a wonderfully animated sequence, and it works! Goh's proud and excited, all the pokemon jump around happily, and Satoshi just sits there dumbfounded, though visably relieved as well (eyebrows are no longer drawn together) before he begins to laugh.

But Goh's not done helping out Satoshi, and this is what sets this and the xy episode apart, this is where everything comes together.

Goh does what he does best, a big dramatic monolouge. He tells Satoshi that he learned all those tactics from Satoshi, it's the first thing he tells him before he even explains.

Goh tells Satoshi plainly that he does know how to do this, he's a good battler and he can succeed when he remembers to work with his pokemon in tandem and doesn't get caught up in things. And he tells him this right after he proves it to Satoshi's face.

Satoshi learns from examples, from doing, and Goh uses that as best he can. He gives Satoshi the example first, and then explains it later.

And the visual symbolism is incredible here because as Goh tells this to Satoshi the sky clears behind him.

I cry over this part everytime. What better way to show that Goh has helped free Satoshi from the mental fog, that his words have cleared the way for him.

And of course, Goh keeps a smile on his face the entire time.

He continues to talk about working together with his pokemon, something Satoshi was neglecting to do because of his fear of not being good enough and letting those pokemon down.

Satoshi reflects on this, adjusting his hat so it hides his eyes as he does. However, he's in control of this now, actively holding the hat in his hand, symbolizing that while he's still upset, he's in control of his emotions now!

Goh specifically kneels down to meet Satoshi at his level and speak to him directly, he puts them on equal ground.

He talks more about strategy, and then he says a line I adore.

"Battling sure is complex, isn't it, Satoshi?"

Goh doesn't like battling, we know this. We know his only interest in it is as a means to an end and because he cares about Satoshi. And he says this because he's showing Satoshi how much he's learned from him. To really drive home that he attributes everything he just accomplished to Satoshi. All that trust and skill and work! Not to mention the fact that this is a call back to what Goh said after Satoshi won the Flutes in episode seven! Incredible, truly!

And Satoshi laughs and flops over, to which Goh worries. But Satoshi is smiling again, truly smiling. He calls himself stupid, the self loathing hasn't gone away entirely, but he is smiling, and he's staring up into the sky happily. There is no shade over his eyes anymore!

He finally addresses his pokemon again, with words similar to what he said in xy, and of course his pokemon love him and lay down with him. It's really cute <3.

And thats where the episode ends! My goodness, do I adore this episode. It's beautiful and i think about it all the time.

It's about finding new and crazy strategies to win, and when talking things out or distracting him doesn't work, Goh tries a new strategy that does! If he can't use ember and win with one strategy he'll try another. can't cheer up Satoshi with one strategy? try another.

What sets them apart is that Goh keeps going and stays by Satoshi's side, where as Serena got caught up in her feelings and ran off. Goh visbly takes Satoshi's way of learning and expressing things into account, and Serena doesn't make it that far.

There's so much care and effort that Satoshi and Goh share and it means the world to me. I can't wait to see what other moments they'll share in future, and what other parallels will be drawn!

I hope you enjoyed my ramblings, Thank you so much for reading this all.

#pokemon #anipoke #pokeani #pokemon analysis #pokemon xy #pokemon xyz #trainer ash #trainer serena #trainer goh #analysis #long post #part two <3

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personasintro · 4 years ago

Text

My Tiny Secret | 20; First Steps

𝑴𝒚 𝑻𝒊𝒏𝒚 𝑺𝒆𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒕 𝒅𝒓𝒂𝒃𝒃𝒍𝒆 | 20; First Steps

⏤𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔; Pretty face doesn’t make it up for an ugly personality. And Kim Seokjin is the perfect proof of that.

⏤𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: seokjin x reader

⏤𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: angst, smut, fluff, mistress au, unexpected pregnancy au

⏤𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: strong language, mature content

⏤> 𝒇𝒊𝒄 𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒙

The birds' chirping creates a calm melody, outstanding the sounds of kids laughing and crying that reach your ears. Even the blanket underneath your legs feels soft, softer than usual and you wonder if it's made from one of those expensive materials. Surprisingly, Seokjin was the one who packed everything and you left him to it.

It's nice to see him doing such a normal stuff, especially if it's related to you and your son.

“It seems busier than last week.” His voice resounds, your eyes snapping to him as his legs are spread out with arms holding him in a relaxed position. Those black locks that got longer are thrown back, making his forehead on full display along with his thick brows.

He looks so relaxed, wearing a white casual shirt with jean shorts, something you should've got used to by now, but you still find yourself occasionally stare at him.

You're not even sure how, but your Saturdays have been spent in a park nearby your apartment building for the last couple of weeks. You often went alone, making sure you're not stuck in your apartment all day, sometimes Hoseok tagged along with you as well. Surprisingly, Seokjin comes every Saturday without even making any official plans with you, knowing he's about to spend the whole day with you. Well, with Yoojin.

It became a silent routine.

“It does,” you hum, eyes trailed on Yoojin who crawls up to the tree you're sitting underneath. It creates a perfect shadow in this warm weather. “He's so active these days.” you say as you already panic when he starts to standing up, holding the tree with his small hands.

He can stand for a long time now, but he's too careful to hold onto something and not let go. Yoojin's puckered lips stretch into a huge smile, proudly showing himself to his parents as you clap in praise, not holding a smile back. He grew up so fast, you can't believe how many things have changed since he was born.

Seokjin comes to visit more often, he even sleeps on the couch sometimes since the guest room is slowly renovating to Yoojin's new bedroom. You both went shopping together and bought him a new crib, along with a few different decorations and furniture. The memory of the two of you walking with Yoojin in his stroller seems weird, but nice and comfortable. For the first time, it felt like you're a real family, spending some time together.

He's an intelligent man managing a successful company on his own, with no help whatsoever, however building a crib isn't his strong suit. Stubbornly, he insisted on being the one who makes Yoojin's bedroom for him. You've never seen him being so passionate about something, so you let him. Even if it took him a month, but you silently enjoyed every day he came after work struggling in that room, ending sleeping on the couch.

It feels nice to have him there. He's more open, casually talking with you about your day, but mainly has his focus on Yoojin.

You've met his friend – Kim Namjoon. As you've learned, he accidentally found out about his best friend having a child, thinking it's all gossip. But when he burst into Seokjin's office with a single question if he has a kid and his friend didn't deny it, he knew those gossips were true.

According to Seokjin's words, he bugged him about wanting to meet Yoojin for a whole week, until he had no choice but to say 'yes'. Before Namjoon came to your apartment, Seokjin made sure you're okay with the visit of his friend, the same thing he did when his father came to visit for the first time.

You didn't have any reason to say no, Yoojin is his son as well. A part of you wanted to meet his friend anyway, which happened to be a very polite and kind man. It made you shocked that he has such a nice friend, you were expecting someone similar to his personality. The visit was far more enjoyable than that time when Mr. Kim visited. You even saw Seokjin to crack a few smiles and chuckles, not the dark ones you're used to, but honest and happy ones.

“He's Kim,” he points out proudly, smiling at Yoojin who grins back at his father, still holding to the tree. “He has your smile.” he comments, your head snapping to him before you look at Yoojin.

“Really?” you cock your head to the side, trying to find your similarity in your son.

He's a mixture of you both, although he definitely takes after Seokjin's side more. You're not mad at it, his father is handsome, there's no lie in that.

“Yeah,” he hums, his phone vibrating inside of his pocket as he pulls it out.

You see his wife's name on the display, but he just locks the phone and ignores the call.

“You can speak to her, y'know...” you mumble, watching your son instead as he squats down to admire dandelions.

“I know,” he assures you lightly, “I don't want to.” he admits and you don't let a surprise to be known on your face.

The conversation dies there, both of you watching your son as a way to distract yourselves, that's until Seokjin opens his mouth again.

“I'll divorce her,” he informs you, his tone firm as his hardening features. “For Yoojin.” he adds, glancing at your son that touches the top of dandelion and giggles when it bounces.

“That's nice of you,” you tell him softly, heart warming at the progress he's made. “But, are you sure? Is that what you want?”

You don't mean to doubt his decision, nor you feel some kind of triumph that he wants to divorce his wife. It was never a competition for you and you feel sorry for the woman, whether she's a bad person or not. You're not the one to talk, nor is Seokjin. All of you made mistakes along the way that got you where you are right now.

“I thought about what my father said,” he confesses, your mind drifting to that time he told you what he and his father talked about. It took his some time to open up, but when he finally did, you couldn't be more proud of him. “I think he's right. Besides, I don't see any future with her.”

“If that's what you really want, I'm on your side.”

Seokjin catches the smile you give him, eyes glinting with honesty and his heart does a weird twist at seeing you like that. You're wearing a yellow sundress, youth and happiness radiating from you and he wonders what's the reason behind your happiness. Is he a part of it too? Is someone else behind it?

“Thank you,” he says, tone sounding almost unsure of what to say, and you giggle when you see the puzzled look. “I don't know how she will take it, knowing her she'll throw a fuss. She seems to be furious whenever I come back to the house. I think I'll leave the house to her, maybe she'll be less furious when I break the news to her.”

It seems like he's thinking out loud more to himself, than telling you all this stuff, but you appreciate it nevertheless. It's weird hearing him saying house instead of home.

“I can still pay for the rent, I've got my maternity leave every month,” you suggest, ignoring the raise of his brow. “I don't need your money, Seokjin.”

“Debatable.” he mutters, causing your brows to twitch in irritation.

“No, I don't need it. I'm thankful for everything you're doing for us, but I don't need your money.”

Sighing, he scratches his chin as he looks at you. “I'm sorry,” he apologizes, your mouth falling open but you stay quiet. “Let me do this for you. And Yoojin.”

“I am, but I don't want you to think I need your money. Yes, you make our lives easier but I'm not your wife. I thought you knew that.” Your voice fades away, but the disappointment in it stays as Seokjin groans underneath his breath.

“Shit, I know that,” he curses, voice thick with regret. “I'm not good with words. I've never done this before and I've never met someone who didn't try to fuck me over. It's hard for me to trust someone and you're the first person-- I'm sorry. I know you don't need my money, you made that clear from the day one.”

Nibbling on your bottom lip, you let it go before you give him a soft smile. Confusion is clear on his face, probably thinking you were about to curse at him but he's just met with your smile.

“What?”

“Hm, nothing,” you hum, causing him to roll his eyes in annoyance. Well, some things haven't changed. “I just.. thank you for being so open, I think. It makes me understand you better.” you tell him honestly, seeing him look away as he plays with the grass next to him.

Is he blushing?

When he looks back at you, his eyes trail somewhere behind you before his eyes widen. You follow his vision, eyes mimicking Seokjin's expression as you see your son standing, without holding himself. He giggles and stumbles, but still doesn't reach for the tree next to him.

“Oh my god, he's standing!” you chant, clapping like a crazy woman which makes your son giggle.

“Where's my phone?” you hear Seokjin mutter, before he's snapping a few pictures of your son.

“Come here, pumpkin. You can do it, come here!” you call to him, arms outstretching as you silently call him to your embrace.

He frowns, complementing on what to do but when you clap again and call for him, he smiles. He takes a step forward, and you push the squeal that wants to rip out of your throat away, not wanting to scare him as he slowly starts walking towards you. He's wobbling, his chubby legs barely holding his balance, but he doesn't fall this time. From the corner of your eyes, you see Seokjin pointing his phone to Yoojin, recording this moment with a huge smile plastered on his lips.

“Come to mommy!” you call for him, giggling when he's almost in your embrace, loosing his balance but you're quick to catch him, causing him to giggle. “Good job!” you praise him, kissing his cheeks as you hug him closer to you.

You've never felt so proud, like this very moment. Seokjin's eyes are filled with a rare emotion, something you've never seen on his face and you wish you could snap a picture of him right now. He reaches towards you, caressing Yoojin's back as he gives him a set of praise words.

“Go to daddy,” you tell him, making sure your son is standing as he stares at his father.

He moves away, crossing his legs as he outstretches his arms the same way you did. He's smiling, eyes glistening as he wonders if his son will walk into his arms like he did to you.

“Yoojin-ah, come on. Come here.” he calls out to him, your eyes watering when he starts taking a few steps to his father, grinning at him as Seokjin starts to scream in encouragement causing you to laugh.

You've never heard him being so loud, full of joy and you pull out your phone, taking a lot of pictures as he picks up your son, bouncing him in his arms as he starts kissing his face repeatedly. It makes your son erupt into a fit of laughter, his bubbly laugh outstanding from other children's ones while you're wiping your tears, too stubborn to look away, savoring this moment.

[9:23pm] hobi: wait... he looks... happy???

The message makes you giggle, covering your mouth with the blanket before your fingers work their way onto the screen. You've sent him the video of Yoojin walking, along with the pictures you managed to snap of Seokjin kissing him.

[9:24pm] he does, i've never seen him look so happy

[9:24pm] hobi: that's good, right? is he treating you okay?

He never fails to ask the same question every time the two of you talk, but you know he's just looking out for you. And besides, today was nothing but great.

[9:25pm] yeah, he's really trying hobi

He sends you a couple of emojis of confetti, clapping hands and fireworks which makes you snort. Your giggling is interrupted with a soft knock on your bedroom door. Knowing it's Seokjin, you call out a gentle 'come in' before he opens the door. His head is the first thing that appears, as he cutely looks around noticing Yoojin's crib where he's sleeping.

He was supposed to sleep in his new crib, but he somehow didn't want to let go of you, even though he fell asleep almost immediately.

“Can I come in?” he asks you, cautiously staring at you and catching a glimpse of your exposed legs.

Slowly, you sit up and nod in response. He tries to be quiet, making his way towards the crib to check on Yoojin before he sits next to you. The fresh scent of his shower gel that he brought one day to your home lingers on his skin, his hair slightly dampened after he took a shower. He's wearing a loose shirt and some sweatpants, to stay decent. You know he likes to sleep naked most of the time, or at least that's what you always thought after he fell asleep a few times in your bed – back in the time when you messed around. He always made sure to leave after you both had sex, but there were times when he had a couple of drinks and stayed the night. But you never felt the warmth of him the next morning, no sight of him.

“He fell asleep right away. I think we tired him out.” you whisper, pointing at your son's crib as he chuckles.

“He had an eventful day.” he comments, his voice gentle and quiet not to wake him up.

He's right. After you both packed your stuff and put it into the truck of Seokjin's car, you went to eat ice cream and walked around for a few minutes, before it was time to go back home. Seokjin took a bath with Yoojin, playing with him in the water and you left them there, and cooked dinner.

“Can't sleep?” you ask quietly, making out his features thanks to the moon and opened blinds.

“Yeah,” he mutters. “Can you? I heard you giggling.”

“Oh, it was just something Hobi sent me,” you wave your hand, silently watching him in the darkness.

Luckily, Hoseok visited you more often, even when Seokjin was present and even though the atmosphere is awkward most of the time, at least they don't want to rip each other heads anymore.

“Thank you for taking us out today, Yoojin was so happy.” You feel the need to tell him that.

He's not a kid who needs to get praised at every single good thing he does, yet you want to show him your gratitude. He's been involved in Yoojin's and your life more with each passing month. Maybe it's weird but you feel like a family. You raise him together, even though Seokjin officially doesn't live with you, but he's spending most of his time with you. This actually works nicely, way better than you've ever imagined.

And the littlest smile that ghosts his lips whenever you show him your gratitude doesn't go unnoticed, even though he tries to hide it. It's the same one that's hidden by the darkness in your bedroom.

“Were you?” he asks, head tilting towards you, although you can't see his eyes clearly.

“Huh?

“Happy,” he whispers, “Were you happy?”

You're taken back by his question. Does he really care about your happiness? You can't believe your own ears. You knew he's not such a bad guy as he makes himself out to be – hence all the gestures he's done for you, like sending you money and making sure you live in a nice place. There are a lot of things he's done, nice things that made you even more confused by him. But he's never been so straight forward. Until these recent days.

“Yes,” you answer him, “Were you happy?” you ask him back, watching his broad shoulders as he stays quiet for a moment.

“Yes.” he whispers, turning to you and you automatically smile at him, not even sure if he can properly see you.

“I'm glad, I don't think I've ever seen you happy.” you admit, wondering if you're pushing his buttons too much.

“I don't really show emotions but I don't think I've ever been happy. I kind of just... lived.”

The lamp that slowly creates in your throat makes you painfully swallow, your heart shivering of sadness from hearing those words. He says it lightly, although the meaning behind it is sad. You put your hand on his back, caressing his tensed muscles as you scoot closer to him. He's warm, inviting almost and you hate yourself for craving his touch.

“Are you happy now?” you hesitate to ask, but relax when he doesn't seem too tensed from your question.

Slowly, he turns around, your hand falling off his back as he stares at you. It's hard to see his eyes, but you know he's looking at you. He reaches towards your face, caressing your soft skin as his thumb swipes across your lips. Your breath hitches but you don't dare to look away or flinch, it feels too good to do that.

“I'd like to think that I am.” he answers.

It's something about the tone and the way he says it, making it sound painful yet smooth and joyful. He's a one big mystery you were always trying to solve, but if he's not the one opening himself to you, it's pointless. But you see it now. So many things have changed and you get to know a new side of him, each layer he has, almost every day.

You don't know who moves the first, maybe the both of you at the same time, as your lips crashes together in a soft and slow manner. It's been so long since you've felt those lips against your own, enjoying how perfect they feel. As expected, he takes over the kiss, leading you the entire time as you adjust to his pace. It should be embarrassing how quick he has you squirming in your spot and groaning into the kiss, whenever he pulls onto your bottom lip. He cups your face for the better measure, while the other one holds your neck and fuck, how amazing it feels.

Even when your back meets the softness of your mattress, and your neck Seokjin's lips, you know you're utterly fucked. He hovers over you, kissing every sensitive spot which makes you giddy over the fact, he still remembers what makes you moan and clench around nothing.

His thigh is settled between your legs, and when he lightly nibbles onto your weak spot with his teeth, you automatically grind against him. He shushes your moans with his mouth, leaving your mouths connected before has to pull away after a couple of seconds.

“Jin,” you plead, arms hooked around his neck as you pull him closer.

The chuckle that leaves his mouth is shushed, but very audible to your ears as he nudges your nose with his own. “What do you want?”

Of course, he knows what you want from him. He just likes you to say it, even beg for it.

“You,” you whisper, arms traveling down his broad shoulders making its way to his defined chest and abs. “I want you.”

“Is that so?” he hums, nudging your cheekbone with his nose this time. “Are you sure?” he asks when he receives a few set of nods in response.

Your hand trails down, cupping him through his sweatpants, surprised when it's the only clothing separating his length and your hand. What shocks you the most, is the obvious erection poking underneath the thin material and how just the feel of it makes you aroused.

“Naughty,” he comments, pushing away the groan that wants to escape past his lips, clenching his jaw when you stroke him. He sits back on his knees, motioning for you to sit up and you obey, letting him taking off your loose shirt.

Now that you think about it, it seems like it's one of Seokjin's shirts he forgot here. If he noticed such a little detail, he doesn't comment it and softly lays you back down. You bite onto your lips, feeling his palm against your breast, groping the soft flesh.

“So big,” he hums, noticing how bigger they seem and feel ever since you got pregnant. Surprisingly, he leans against your chest, sucking on your nipple as he licks it a few times.

Your palm slaps against your mouth, silencing all those moans and soft groans. He does the same thing to the other breast, coating it with his saliva as he trails down onto your stomach, kissing and licking your skin.

You haven't thought about having sex for a long time, there was never a proper time to think about such thing. You've spent all your time taking care of Yoojin, that the thought of another man and your intimate life was the least of your worries. There were times your hormones would act up, and you craved for someone else's touch. Your mind often drifted to the man that's enveloping your body with his mouth, no matter how many times you've reminded yourself that he's not right for you.

You were so busy trying to be the best mother you could be, that you never really thought about having sex after nine months you gave birth. You got in shape, although your body is not what it used to be. Your breasts got bigger and you still got some fat on your stomach and thighs. And for this very time, you're lucky there's a darkness in the room and Seokjin can't tell all the stretchmarks that failed to disappear.

His hand disappears between your thighs, chuckling when he notes you've no underwear. “Naughty girl.” he chuckles, circling your opening teasingly as you bite onto your lower lip.

It hurts, but you've to keep your mouth shut if you don't want to wake up your son.

“Can you...” he trails off, your mind clouded with lust before you realize what he's asking.

“Yeah.” you answer, giving him the green light as he slowly pushes a one finger inside of you.

It feels weird, almost as if it's the first time you ever experienced this particular touch. Although, it doesn't take you too long to get used to it, hips bucking into his hand as you plead him for more. Surprisingly, he doesn't insist on begging, listening to you as he watches your body squirm in pleasure. He pumps his fingers inside and out, grazing your walls before he scissors them, penetrating you.

“Fuck, you got so tight.” he groans, pumping his fingers before he kisses you.

He barely used to do that. He barely kissed you during sex, and if he did, it was always harsh and rushed. This seems to be slow, but intense at the same time.

You've heard so much stuff of women getting even tighter after they gave birth. You weren't sure if that's true but if Seokjin can tell a difference and he's telling the truth, you guess all those articles were right. Woman's body is something amazing. It goes to its original state even after bringing a human into the world.

He adds another, silently shushing you when you whimper.

“I know, gotta stretch you out,” he whispers, pushing onto your clit with his thumb while his fingers continue to fill you up. “Have you had sex after you gave birth?”

There's a possibility he feels unsure, but he doesn't stop and continues with his movements as if he's not asking you such an intimate question.

Would he be angry if you said yes?

Would he become possessive all over again?

“No,” you whisper, clutching the sheets between your fingers. “You're my first.” you tell him, and you wish you could see his reaction more clearly. This way it seems he barely reacted, although he goes down to bite onto your collarbone which leaves you gasping.

You clutch his shoulders, frowning when he's still fully clothed. “And you?”

“You mean, if I had sex after giving birth?” he snorts, causing you to roll your eyes at him before you groan both in annoyance and pleasure.

“You know what I mean.”

“Then the answer is no,” he tells you, mouth pressed against your ear, so you can hear him clearly. “I haven't had sex with anyone else.”

“That's hard to believe.” you choke out, when he adds his fourth fingers making you breathe through it with a scrunched face.

He gives you the time to adjust, halting his movements. “I didn't. Believe it or not, I've found it hard to find someone else. Not that I was really looking for someone.”

It's the honesty that makes you pause, your heart hammering even faster and you wonder if he can feel it too with his chest pressed against your own. Before you can question him, your curiosity getting the best of you, he's already pumping his fingers again. Deciding you want to feel him, you hook your fingers underneath the hem of his sweatpants, hand disappearing into them as you finally grab him. He groans, surprised by your bolt move, as you slowly pump him.

You were right. He's not wearing any underwear, making it easier for you to access him. He feels just as thick as you remember him, the weight in your palm causing you to clench around his fingers.

“I need you.” you whisper, clearly enough for him to hear because you see him pulling away, staring at you.

“Don't you wanna cum? It'll be easier for me to--”

“I'm sure,” you interrupt him, pulling your hand out of his sweatpants. “Take your clothes off.” you tell him softly, surprised when he actually listens to you without any side remarks.

The loud thud of his clothes makes you both freeze, waiting for Yoojin to wake up but you barely hear the soft puffs leaving from the crib, before he goes back to you. You sit up, pushing him to lay down as he stares at you in confusion. There's not much place or time to actually speak, you're both aware you have to be quiet. Maybe you should just move it to the living room, but there's something thrilling about having sex knowing you've to keep your mouth shut.

“I wanna ride you.” you whisper, already sitting down onto his abdomen, his hardened length poking you into your ass.

“Holy fuck.” he grunts, hands gripping your hips before you lift yourself up, enough to grab his length and make yourself more comfortable.

His head pokes your entrance, your walls clenching just from the thought of feeling him stretching you, as you slide him up and down. Your other hand is outstretched onto his defined abs, feeling how tense they're. You know you're teasing him, but he doesn't say anything and simply lets you take the lead.

Maybe it's the understatement, knowing you're about to have sex for the first time since Yoojin was born. Or maybe he just got a lot more understanding, appreciating current situation. You'd never have thought it'd come to this again, even though your dreams have been wild these couple of months.

Slowly and cautiously, you slide down onto him, your mouth opening at the sudden stretch and burn that his fingers couldn't do. This way, he reaches you even deeper and he's not even halfway in. He's groaning, doing an awful job to contain the pleasure, while you whimper with each inch that you take him.

This has to be difficult for him too. If he's really telling the truth, which you believe him, he haven't had sex for a long time.

Oh, if you just knew he's minutes from spilling himself like some teenager.

Maybe it's just that exact reason, him not having sex for a long time. Or it's you and the way you feel around his length, making him throb inside of you as he twitches when you finally take all of him. A few seconds of adjusting yourself to his huge length, and you're already bouncing on him. Your arms failing you, your body falling onto Seokjin's chest as he holds your body even closer, meeting your thrusts with his hips. He's fucking into you, taking the control even though you're the one on top. He envelopes you in his arms, making you feel closer to him than ever.

You can't describe it, but this time it's different. It's not just sex full of lust and pleasure, there's something else there. You know you don't love each other, but there is a certain kind of chemistry going between you two. Instead of fucking you so hard trying to chase his own pleasure, his movements are quick but still soft. It might sound stupid or ridiculous, but it feels lot more closer. Like there's an actual connection between you two, and it's not just from the fact he's inside of you.

“Fuck, Jin, I can't--” you whimper into his neck, silencing your moans as he starts to fasten up.

“Come on, cum for me. Let me feel you.” he grunts into your hair, digging his fingers into your back and hips as he urges you to cum.

With a few more thrusts, you're cumming around him as your whole body shakes, but he's there to hold you through it.

”Shhh, you did so great. You were amazing.” he shushes you, his length twitching inside of you, reminding you of its presence and need.

You slide off him, settling yourself between his legs before you take him into your mouth, hand gripping the rest that you can't take. Bobbing your head and stroking him with your hand, you feel his fingers grabbing your hair. Swiping your tongue and repeating the same process couple of times, causes him to let out a low growl as he's spilling himself into your mouth. He twitches in your mouth, emptying himself and when he's done, he sighs.

You let him go with a pop sound, swallowing all of his cum as you sit down onto your knees, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

“That was... fucking amazing.” he breathes out, his rigid breathing filling the bedroom.

The sex itself wasn't the longest you both had, but it was intense and probably the best one. Something's telling you he thinks the same thing as he seems to be far more affected than ever.

“Yeah,” you chuckle, agreeing with him as you stand up.

“Where are you going?” he asks immediately, already leaning against his elbows as he watches you in the darkness.

“To take a shower,” you answer, stating the obvious while a surprised 'oh' leaves his mouth. “Can you please watch Yoojin?”

He coughs, nodding his head remembering that you can't probably see him that well. “Sure.”

You go take a shower, smiling giddily for the whole time the water splashes onto your body, ignoring the little jumps your heart does every time you replay what has just happened. When you're done, Seokjin takes his turn to take a shower while you can't fall asleep. Staring at the ceiling, you're surprised when the bedroom door are pushed open. You don't move, nor close your eyes as you feel him getting into your bed. You don't comment it, nor does he. You're not even sure if he knows you're still awake and you wonder what's been going on in his head again.

What made him to come here and sleep next to you?

Nevertheless of your raging thoughts, you find yourself relaxing when you feel a warm body next to you. Small part of you wishes he'd pull you closer, letting you feel his warmth properly.

But even without that, you manage to fall asleep in a minute, enjoying his proximity and warmth while it lasts. And for the first time, you wake up next to him peacefully dreaming and sleeping in your bed.

#networkbangtan #bts smut #bts angst #bts fluff #seokjin x reader #Kim Seokjin au #kpop #bts drabbles #bts au #seokjin angst #kpop fanfic #BTS jin #personasintro

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chaos-coming · 1 year ago

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Is it really worth it to stay a whole extra year somewhere that i dont hate but dont love, just to get a degree because the last one was so unsatisfactory? Is getting a degree an excuse for not wanting to feel like i'm wasting my youth?

Do i feel trapped by my life decisions because theyre really making me unhappy, or is running away just my response when things get a little stressful?

I deliberately moved to a country where people are more relaxed, and take a way more humane pace to working. How come i'm still so stressed and can't let go? Am i stressed because i'm trying to do too much at once? How do i fit in a full day of work and the gym and my hobbies and sleeping enough? And still feel like i'm not wasting my time?

How do i fit activism into all of that, especially when here is so remote, and since it's so draining when i dont speak enough of the local language to be of any use. And when the things that i really care about are happening so far away, and instead i'm making plans to stay here even longer for the sake of my career.

Can i justify stepping back for a year or two to focus on what i'm doing here? To live in the current moment and current place, finish my degree and learn about this place socially and ecologically? Is that not too selfish? And if i dont, if my mind and attention is always far away from here amd trying to move onto the next thing, am i not just wasting my time here?

I feel like i wasted the last 2 years, didnt see as much as i wanted to and didnt get as much out of the experience as i could have (even though i really hated living in austria and my uni and got really depressed and just wanted to leave tbh), or i should have left earlier. Now the years are going by, 2 years turns into 4. I'm closing in on 30 and feeling restless. From a career perspective, it's worth it. But is a career really worth it if you have to exchange your youth and freedom?

Im turning 28 in 2 days and theres only 7 hours of daylight already and im sick as a dog and my uni stress is piling up major and im fighting the urge to book a plane ticket somewhere far away and warm and questioning all my life choices

Happy hump day everyone

#it's not even that im homesick its that this place is like too nice #people are too comfortable and its just so detached from the reality of the rest of the world and my past experiences #that the dissonance is like uncomfortable in a way #does that make me a masochist? idk #but i already know this isnt a place i'll stsy long term. so should i just try to enjoy it for the 2 years while i'm here #only 1.5 by now actually #but i feel so guilty enjoying myself out here in the middle of nowhere in the arctic while so much is going on in the world #not that i think my little life is important or anything but it feels like turning my back on all the things i care about #put my official application in to stay another year here and finish my degree #today i'm full of guilt and restlessness. and mucus.

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jaymes-penrose · 3 years ago

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Ace of Cups

Chapter two: First Session

Warnings: PTSD. Trauma. Cunnilingus. PIV sex. Breeding kink. Minors DNI

Your first session with James Buchanan Barnes.

You walk with Sam and Bucky into the bedroom of the safehouse. You look over at your husband. "We'll be fine Sam. He can't hurt me. He won't. "You look at Bucky as you finish the statement. You need him as comfortable as possible. "Bucky,I am here only to help. Sam tells me you could use my help. Has Steve told you why I've been asked here? "You ask softly. Sam leaves the room giving you the privacy you'll need.

"I'm sure you mean well. And I know Steve trusts you. However y/n, you can't help me. Nobody can. I'm a danger. Even now. I don't trust myself not to switch and hurt you."

"Bucky. At least let me try. If this doesn't work then we'll figure something else out. I need to take your hand for this to work. May I?" You ask gently asserting your need for his consent. To your great relief he puts his hand in yours.

You take a deep breath, focusing on the most traumatic incident in his mind. You close your eyes,and when you open them you and Bucky and in his memories. You observe as if you were a ghost in his mind. Able to interact with the memory, you pause it before going further. "Now James. You are safe. Nothing in here can hurt you again. Think of it as a rerun. We can stop at any time. Just say the word 'Oracle'. I do suggest you give this session a chance. "You say calmly. "Shall we do this? "You ask again gently giving him the ability to fully consent.

"We shall. "

"Very good. So that's Zemo. I've seen his picture. Remember nothing can hurt you in here. You are safe. "

You watch as words you know to be Russian are spoken. Without learning the language yourself you can understand them. You can feel his panic washing over you, and through you. You focus and filter those feelings through your being, allowing the pain to remain inside your mind, and never return to his.

You watch as The Winter Solider is activated. You hold tight to how Bucky feels during the process. You feel his terror at his agency being torn from him. You recall the female vets who suffered similar trauma. You now understand the avenue towards healing this soul.

Focusing on the man in need, and not the violence you pull and filter as much of that pain as you can. "This wasn't you. This was done to you." You tell him over and over giving him a mantra for later use. You pull up happy feelings from your soul and give them to the man you promise yourself that you'll help.

You pull yourself out of his mind. Giving him absolute control back. The tears already beginning to burn behind your eyes. You look into his eyes and give him a soft smile. "You should rest now James. Would you like to continue our sessions at a later date? "You ask.

He looks at you with almost tranquil eyes. "I think so. "He says. You nod and kiss his knuckles before leaving the room to seek out your husband.

You make it no more than twenty steps before collapsing into deep sobs. Bucky's pain overtaking you. Sam finds you in this state. Having seen the toll your power takes on you he knows what you need.

"You are y/n Wilson. Their pain is borrowed. It'll pass my beloved."he says picking you up. It's not long before you're in the air with him. Flying with him allows the pain to lessen. After you land you pull Sam into a loving kiss. "What does my wife need tonight? "He asks in a low voice.

"You. I need you."you respond pulling him to follow behind you. Leaving a trail of discarded clothes in your wake as you head towards the bedroom. Fully on display for your husband as you watch from the bed as he seductively strips for you. You playfully hum a song for him. Once he's fully nude you give him a come hither finger motion.

He kisses up your body. His eyes never leaving yours. He puts your legs over his shoulders before savoring his favorite meal. His tongue and fingers doing their utmost to bring you to pure heaven. He hears your breathing getting shallower as your peak creeps up. He stops. Licking your arousal from his lips and fingers. You whine as you're denied your release.

Smiling a wicked smile up at you he laughs softly. "What does my beloved wish? "He asks with a wink.

"Your cock. Now. "You say before he crawls up your body. Stopping to worship your breasts. His mouth latching onto your nipple. His fingers working on your clit. "Can't wait to feed off of you. "He says with lust turning his voice almost feral.

"You have to breed me first Samuel. "You tease. At that he thrusts himself deep inside. His lips leave your breast to attach to your lips. His tongue massaging yours as he sets a sensual rhythm. Both of you lost in the love you share. Your breathing stops as your walls clench around him. Milking him of his precious seed.

You both drift off into pleasant dreams interlocked with each other.

You wake up first kissing your sleeping husband's forehead. You pull on your robe and head to the kitchen to make breakfast. You begin to brew the coffee. You pull out the eggs and veggies. Humming to yourself as you prepare the omelets.

Sam wakes to the smell of coffee. He walks to the kitchen. Stopping in his tracks as he watches you toss and flip the knife around. His mind flashing to his first fight with The Winter Solider. He hears the song you're singing. "Russian? "He thinks to himself.

#sam wilson #bucky barnes #marvel #mcu #winter Solider #falcon

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fairynavi · 4 years ago

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unbearable

a haikyuu x reader ficlet

words: 3.01k

pairing: tsukishima kei x reader

warning/s: just pure fluff about to be thrown your way my dude

Tsukishima Kei has never pegged himself as the romantic type. Yamaguchi can confirm. The blond has never read any of those romance novels during his leisure time, he never pays attention to the dramas his mother watches on TV, and he's never thought twice about dating someone.

He's never fallen in love with someone. He thought it was dumb to fall in love, Romeo and Juliet being a good contender as to why love is such a complicating yet stupid thing. He believes that loving someone romantically is a bother, that's why he's never looked at anyone that way. He's merely protecting himself from getting hurt from love because everything that's said in those romance novels are exaggerated, he tells himself.

Tsukishima was content with everything he had as of now. He's okay with focusing on self-improvement, he doesn't need to value or think of other things.

That is until you showed up.

You're a first year manager, alongside Yachi, of the Karasuno Boy's Volleyball Team and Tsukishima immediately deems you as another person to avoid because the first person you got along with was Hinata. Just like with everyone else, he doesn't interact with you that much, and only says what's necessary when he has to talk to you.

Unfortunately for him, he finds out that you're classmates.

Tsukishima doesn't memorize everyone's names in his class, he doesn't feel the need to do that ever. Once classes end, he's immediately off to practice with Yamaguchi, that is unless he's assigned for cleaning time, so he doesn't even remember you right off the bat.

During English class, the teacher picks you to read a passage from the story that you were analyzing. Being fluent in the English language, this didn't bother you at all. So you stand up and begin reading. Everyone's eyes are on you. They've never heard you speak English before, so they're all definitely surprised, especially a certain tall blond a few seats away from you.

'She's eloquent...', he thinks. Of course, that's what anyone would think if they heard you speaking right now. He's staring at you, and he only realizes when he hears the teacher commend you on your English. He's trying to focus on the lesson, but his mind keep coming back to you and your voice. It's lovely, and soothing in a way. He feels his cheeks heat up a little from thinking about you too much. He finally calms down and focuses back on the passage.

As classes end, the blond sees Yamaguchi begging something from you. As he gets closer, he learns that the other boy is asking for English lessons from you. Yamaguchi notices the taller boy and give him a quick greeting before giving his undivided attention back to you.

"Yamaguchi-kun, are you sure you want me to teach you English?"

"Of course, [Y/N]! There's no one else I know who's as insanely good in English as you are!"

"Well, alright. I guess I can teach you English."

"Teach me as well." Tsukishima finally speaks. Almost in sync, Yamaguchi and you whip your head towards the tall boy's direction. You're just as surprised as Yamaguchi is from Tsukishima's sudden and very surprising request. Tsukishima, of all people, is asking for help. He must be having that much trouble in English to ask someone else to help him.

You're the first to break the uncomfortable silence and you agree to teaching the both of them the subject, Tsukishima is forever thankful for you taking the initiative in changing the awkward atmosphere between the three of you.

Over the course of a few weeks, he's warmed up to you. He talks to you a lot more now, and very rarely he actually engages in the conversation first, but those were usually about homework. Thanks to Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, you've developed a good amount of confidence in your skills as well. You're much more social than you were before, though that's because of Hinata's influence on you, and you participate in a lot of the class activities, be it extra curricular or just favors from your classmates.

Tsukishima always thought you'd eventually forget about him and Yamaguchi, so he stopped himself from getting too attached to you, but to his surprise, you never said no to Yamaguchi whenever he asked to hang out. Sure, you've made a lot more friends now, and you've gained some popularity as well, but you never strayed too far away from the first friends you've ever made.

Not only are you smart, but you're also incredibly kind and selfless, traits Tsukishima never understood. You'd almost immediately, and sometimes literally, drop whatever you were doing and go and help them with whatever they need assistance with, even if it's a little request like taking the trash out to the garbage bins behind the school. You basically thrived off of helping out, and Tsukishima is beyond intrigued by you.

You see, Tsukishima has never seem himself as selfless. He only does things that benefits him. He'll only agree if something is of use to him. To put it in other words, he's selfish. He's never done things to help others, he'll only do so if necessary, such as group projects. He's never the type to consider actually helping someone out because he just felt like it. If it benefits him, he'll do it, if it doesn't, he won't. Simple as that.

Before Tsukishima's even realized it, he's staring at you as you talk to a classmate of yours. Unfortunately, Yamaguchi notices the boy's lovestruck state and decides to initiate a conversation with him. "Tsukki, you've been staring at [Y/N] a lot," He says, catching the taller boy's attention. Tsukishima's eyes dilate in his sudden approach, his cheeks having a tint of pink, and he glares at his friend.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki, but I'm just surprised how she hasn't noticed just how much you stare at her."

"... Is it really that obvious?"

"To me, it is. To her, it isn't."

Tsukishima groans internally. He didn't even notice that he was staring for so long until Yamaguchi brought it up. No, he will not admit that he was admiring you. Never. He'll get over this, right? This is just a one time thing... right?

Wrong.

He wants to get closer to you now. He wants to interact with you every day. He wishes he sat near you so he could ask for a pencil just so he'd have an excuse to talk to you. He hoped that his heart would stop beating faster whenever you looked at him and smiled. He hoped that his cheeks would stop growing pink whenever you laughed at a corny joke Hinata made. He hoped that his legs wouldn't get wobbly whenever he hears the mere sound of your voice. He hoped things would just go back to normal. But just hoping wouldn't work.

Tsukishima Kei has undoubtedly fallen in love with you.

And he's realized that when he overheard a conversation between you and a male classmate;

"Hey [Y/N]."

You stop erasing on the chalkboard and turn to face him properly. You dust off the chalk dust on your skirt and blouse and reply, "What's up?"

"I was wondering... Could we, you know, meet- uh, meet behind the school later? Before your club activities, of course..." He was clearly blushing, everyone could see that, he was fidgety, and he stuttered a bunch of times. Anyone could already tell where that was going. Except you.

"Oh, of course!" You smile innocently at him, as he smiles back widely. He goes back to his group of friends with a very victorious look you were unable to see. As you turn around, you are met with a pair of familiar pair of eyes, staring you down as if you did something unbelievable.

"[Y/N], what was that about?"

"I don't know, he probably needed help with something. Maybe homework. But he could've just asked me right here, it's not like I would judge him for asking for help. Maybe he's just shy, who knows?"

Yamaguchi face palms at your response, you're even more confused. The green haired boy looks at you in disbelief, and sighs in frustration, "You know what, I'll leave that to you to find out."

Yamaguchi did say he'll leave it to you to find out, but he needed to know how things would turn out. So he dragged Tsukishima along with him, who silently agrees to following you behind the school, despite you telling them that Daichi or Coach Ukai might get mad at them for being late. Yamaguchi, bless his soul, told the two of you that he would take responsibility and would take any punishment that went along with it.

The two boys hid behind the corner of the building, listening closely to your conversation with your classmate.

"Nakamura-kun, why'd you ask to meet me here?" You ask him, clearly not understanding the atmosphere that was around the both of you. Anyone who would catch you there would understand what was happening, but unfortunately, you just couldn't predict what was going to happen.

He stood there for quite a bit, fidgeting, and avoiding eye contact with you. His face seemed all red and you began to worry if he was getting feverish from all this. You take a step forward and he immediately freezes up from you getting close to him.

"Nakamura-kun."

"Y-Yes?!"

"Are you feeling ill? You look red. Maybe you should go to the clinic."

He shakes his head repetitively, saying he wasn't ill and that he really had something to tell you. You nod and wait for him to say it, as you didn't want to make him uncomfortable enough than he already was.

"I... I really like you, [Y/N]!"

"Oh? I like you too, Nakamura-kun."

Yamaguchi face palms. Tsukishima stifles a laugh.

"Really? Then, will you go out with me?"

"Go out? Right now? But I still have club activities." You tilt your head in confusion as he fumbles to find the right words.

"No! Not right now! Maybe on Saturday! Yeah, does that sound good?"

"Oh, perfect, I'm free that day. So which subject are you having trouble on? If it's Math, I can't really help you with that."

Yamaguchi is currently trying to stop Tsukishima and himself from laughing out loud.

"What?" He looks at you, his life draining out of him.

"We're talking about homework, right? Oh! Did I get it wrong? Did you need help with another thing?"

"[Y/N], no. I meant... I meant like go out on a date! Like a romantic date!"

You squint your eyes at him as you process the words in your head. One by one, the cogs in your slow brain finally start moving, and you finally get what he's trying to say.

"Oh, like those dates you see in the movies? I'm sorry, Nakamura-kun, I'm just not the person you should be liking, there are a lot more girls there that will surely make you happy. I'll just make you frustrated, I'm sorry. I really am." You bowed at him politely but he assures you that he doesn't need you to apologize, he just wanted a proper answer from you.

Hearing you say that made Tsukishima's heart drop. You were already aware that you'd make people frustrated with you, and he didn't want you to think that way. He felt a strong desire to change that, but you guys were just friends, he doesn't have a right to change anything about you, he doesn't even have the chance to.

You turn around to see Yamaguchi snickering like a kid and Tsukishima just looking at him with his signature annoyed look. You laugh and them and begin dragging them to the gym, where you were met with an annoyed coach, a concerned Daichi, and very curious players.

Despite having rejected that boy, there were still other people from other classes who tried to woo you with their pick-up lines, but you never really got them, so you just laughed and nodded in hopes of them not getting hurt by you not being able to comprehend any deeper meaning to what they say.

"Does your hand feel heavy, [Y/N]-san?"

"No? I don't think it's possible for a hand to feel heavy?"

"Nevermind."

You tried your best to understand, you really did. You just wanted to keep up with their pick-up lines, but you just couldn't do it. You've never had that kind of experience, so it was hard to understand what they were trying to say.

But without realizing it yourself, you were also beginning to get interested in a certain tall blond classmate. You quickly dismissed these reactions as something everyone can experience, you weren't the only one, of course. Everyone feels this way around Tsukishima. Right? Right?

"[Y/N], I can very much confirm that not everyone feels that way towards Tsukki."

Oh.

"So, your legs don't get wobbly and your heart doesn't beat faster around Tsukishima?"

Yamaguchi laughs and you feel yourself feeling embarrassed as he does so. You give him a light punch on his arm, since you can't reach his head, and cross your arms, a pout present on your face.

"[Y/N], I'm not in love with Tsukki."

In love? Is that what it is?

"I can't be in love. I don't even understand what love is enough to actually feel it." You say, trying to convince yourself more than you're trying to convince Yamaguchi, who only shrugs at your response.

"If you say so, [Y/N]."

The next few days were weird.

For some godforsaken reason, Yamaguchi had convinced Tsukishima to at least flirt with you a little bit, having learned that the blond was hopelessly in love with you, even though the taller blond told the other that you'll have the same reaction as you did with those other guys that tried to do a pick-up line on you.

The first time he tried to flirt, which was a pick-up line about a highlighter and brightening up his world, it turned into you telling him a story about how you accidentally drank water with highlighter ink thinking it was some kind of juice. He was actually immersed in the story sometimes, teasing you about how you couldn't recognize the color of the highlighter.

The second time he tried to flirt, where Yamaguchi would "accidentally" shove you into Tsukishima, he pushed you too hard and ended with you sitting on top of a very uncomfortable and potentially hurt blond.

The third time he tried to flirt, where he intended on staying close to you a lot, like sitting next to you during study sessions, walking next to you during the walk to the gym, just staying close to you in general, you didn't at all notice because you just thought it was normal for friends to do that, all the while trying to ignore your loudly beating heart.

The fourth and final time he flirted with you, was when you finally confessed to him.

Tsukishima is an observant person, so he's probably noticed your mannerisms around him by now. How your tone of voice changes when you talk to him, and how easilt flustered you get when you talk to him. He thought he had a chance, and he was right.

"I don't really like talking about feelings that much but Yamaguchi told me to tell you everything that I'm feeling. So, here goes nothing, I guess."

You take a deep breath and you suddenly feel as if the ground was shaking. You're terrified, but you have to do this. You've already committed to this. There's no turning back.

"Tsukishima, whenever I look at you, I feel really happy. Your voice makes me feel like I'm on the comfiest pillow in the world. Whenever you do that really cute smirk when you tease Hinata or Kageyama, it makes me laugh a lot. You're weird."

"Excuse me?"

"Shut up, I'm not done yet."

You inhale once more.

"You're really mean to Hinata and Kageyama, and you're also unintentionally mean to a lot of our classmates, but I like that about you. Whenever you offer to help me with Math, I kind of feel sad because I'm supposed to be the one doing all the helping!"

"You don't always have to help-"

"Let me finish! You're actually really nice, you know? I saw you playing with a stray cat the other day and giving it food and it made my heart do flips! You looked really cute. I don't know how to express myself properly, and when I try to, it's word vomit. I want to learn and try to be better for you, I want to know what to do with this slow brain of mine, and I really really want to do all those romantic stuff with you."

You're in the verge of crying, but you quickly wipe away any evidence of you crying.

"I... I think I like you, Tsukishima."

He doesn't say anything and you feel embarrassment creeping up behind you. The air is suffocating and you want to run away, but you legs are stuck to the ground. You feel ashamed in the other's presence, wanting to dig a grave and rot in it.

Then, you feel big arms wrap around your smaller frame, pulling you close to his chest, as he buries his face on your shoulder. He only hugged you for a while, as he isn't that type to prolong skinship.

You clear your throat and break the short silence between the two of you, "I've been meaning to ask. Did you flirt with me earlier?"

"Have been for the past week, but thanks for noticing." He replies almost immediately as you just stand there in shock.

"Oh."

"You're unbearable, [Y/N]."

You look up at him and laugh, punching his chest lightly.

"But you love me."

"Yes, yes I do."

this is my first haikyuu character x reader ficlet so i hope you at least like it a little bit hahahah

#tsukishima kei #haikyuu #hq #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #haikyuu x reader ficlet #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima x reader #haikyuu fanfiction #tsukishima fanfic #tsukishima fic #saltyshima #haikyu!#haikyuu tsukishima

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deathbydarkelves · 3 years ago

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I decided to make playlists for Cathala and Tarinne plus explanations for why I chose each song because I entered one of those ADHD fugue states and if I didn't finish this task I would die

Anyway here are the two links (they're youtube playlists because I don't have spotify. I would obviously recommend using an adblocker if you're just gonna watch on youtube) and the explanations for each song are below the cut :) Each playlist is about an hour long.

For Tarinne’s:

1. Foggy Nights: I consider this her theme so putting it first as a sort of intro only makes sense.

2. Here’s a Health to the Company: I think this works as an example of her general disposition. She’s a people person, and always a fan of singing these sorts of songs in taverns, on ships, or what have you. It also kind of feels like a sendoff to soldiers, which I imagine symbolizes her joining the Sentinel Army and quickly thereafter fighting in the Third War.

3. Wartime Prayers: Somewhat self-explanatory, this is symbolizing her seeing war for the first time, but I also included it because the last line transitions SO WELL into the next song.

4. The Hollow: This song is an intro to an album I've never heard so I don't know the context, but I really love it because it sounds like someone praying to their deity and like I mean c'mon. Elune. Tarinne's praying to Elune to guide her through the war. Do I need to elabo-

5. Wave Walker: KILL DEATH MAIM AHAHAHAHA

6. Isil Elun’falo: Just a super rad fan-made night elf song that's basically "wow we sure do love Elune" said in twenty different ways for four and a half minutes. But it ROCKS and I LOVE it.

7. Chewing Cotton Wool: This song is about losing a loved one (I did have to check but yeah that's what it is) and I use it to symbolize Tarinne losing her mom during the war. The last line, which includes the song's title, I especially like. It's referring to how morticians (apparently) put cotton gauze in a corpse's throat and mouth to keep body fluids in and make the face look more natural. So there's a fun fact for you.

8. See U Soon (Song for Dad): Just a short lofi piece to rest a bit, and it was also chosen because the title's in reference to Tarinne growing closer to her dad after losing her mom. She still visits him at his leathers and furs shop in Stormwind fairly often, especially after dangerous adventures. She just wants to make sure he knows she's alright ;-;

9. No Lullaby: Right back into it with a song that I use to represent Tarinne's general feeling of not being able to go home because it's not there anymore. She's felt like this since the end of the Third War, but it's especially strong since the whole Teldrassil thing. But I like the ending, "who said you're on your own," because it contrasts the repeating of "alone" in the rest of the song. And it's kinda like "hey, listen, you're not the only one who feels like she can't go home." I mean that's probably how basically every single night elf feels right now skxnks

10. The Moss: This song juxtaposes classic fairy tales with scientific facts about the world and I love it to BITS. I'm using it here to represent both Tarinne's love for storytelling but also her sort of... part-time historian/archaeologist/conservator career.

11. Rasputin: I just associate this song with her for some reason and this was the best place to put it.

12. Electric Feel: Moving on to focus more on Tarinne's relationship with Cathala now. This is an extremely great and somewhat 😏 song that I also included because the electricity theme is appropriate because Cathala has lightning powers and y'know it's from Tarinne's perspective or whatever.

13. Bedroom Hymns: You know why this is here.

14. Movement: I can't talk about love songs without talking about Hozier, okay. This is just a nice, slower song to relax a bit with.

15. Never Let Me Go: I have an entire goddamn music video in my head with Cathala and Tarinne for this song and it’s very dramatic and emotional and I had to include this song or I’d die. Basically just listen to near the end of this song when she's repeating the title over and over, and imagine the two of them seeing each other at opposite ends of a battlefield after the dust settles and they rush towards each other and fall to their knees holding on as tightly as they can because they got separated early on and each thought the other was dead. Then you'll know how I feel when I listen to this song.

16. Nothing That Has Happened So Far Has Been Anything We Could Control: First of all I love the title, and second of all there's a big section in the middle (1:49 to 2:47) that I like to interpret as the two of them grappling with the fact that they're not really quite sure who or what they're fighting for anymore. Their people, yeah, but there's so many alliances and semi-permanent enemies and only-on-every-other-thursday-enemies all intertwined and the world is just so very confusing and they're trying to make the best of it. Elf school didn’t include international, interracial politics in its curriculum. It did however include how to properly plant trees, and AP calculus (this is a joke).

17. In Dreams: I like to imagine this song is something the two of them would say to each other, as a way of saying “even when everything we know is gone, even when the world ends, I will still be by your side. And if I’m not, don’t fear, for I will find you.” It makes a nice note to end on :)

For Cathala’s:

1. muse: Just a nice lofi intro to get us into things :) I don't see this song as her theme, like I do with Tarinne and the first song in her playlist, but I like it quite a bit. I don't actually really have a theme for Cathala yet, I'm currently going with a version of Way of the Monk from WoW's OST but I'm still looking for something better.

2. Frogs Singing: I included this because it's about just appreciating nature, which works because night elf and also mindfulness and meditation is a whole thing.

3. Tongues: This is a song about feeling distant from your peers which is like Cathala's whole existence! She's this weird mix of two cultures and ultimately she feels out of place regardless of where she is or who she's with. Also the theme with not understanding what people are saying works because the poor woman had to learn Pandaren from scratch and that shit ain't easy. I think blizz said somewhere probably that Common is just a language that EVERYONE knows inherently because Video Game but that's bullshit in my opinion. I'll allow spells that let you understand foreign languages to an extent (Comprehend Languages from D&D lets you understand the LITERAL meaning only, which I like), but every culture and species in the universe knowing Common is silly if you think about it for more than two seconds.

4. Kung Fu Fighting: I'm legally required to include this song. Also I prefer the Kung Fu Panda version, I'm sorry.

5. Harder Better Faster Stronger: I vicariously experience having a great work ethic through Cathala and that's why this song is here because she has 999 Determination and does Too Many push-ups every day or something idk. I was gonna say "every morning" but I have a headcanon that elves only need to sleep every couple of days (sort of a nod to "elves don't need to sleep at all" from D&D, and to explain why NIGHT elves are active at all hours of the day) so that doesn't work.

6. What's Up Danger: This song is Cathala's whole Vibe. Almost zero threat assessment skills in this woman's brain. If it can be punched, she will punch it.

7. Eye for an Eye: Fairly self-explanatory, it's a song about wanting revenge so... yeah. Checked that box. It was this or The Vengeful One by Disturbed but ultimately The Vengeful One's religious symbolism probably makes it fit better as a Tyrande theme lol ("I'm the hand of god, I'm the dark messiah." Did you mean: the Night Warrior)

8. Survivor: Cathala's survived a lot of shit and this could kinda be her making fun of herself for it because "Gods, man! Don't I deserve a break!"

9. Ashes: Really the reason I include this song is the last chunk (2:42 to the end) because holy shit. Listen, if I was gonna include a song with fire motifs, it was gonna be a somber one like this.

10. Into the West: This can kinda represent Cathala just trying to fucking breathe and recover from Teldrassil. Also works because I dunno it has stuff to do with the elves in LotR, I haven't seen those movies in a while. It sounds nice and is melancholy so I included it.

11. Like Real People Do: Cathala loves Tarinne a lot you guys have I ever menti-

12. Into the Wild: Tarinne changed Cathala's world for the better and she's super fucking grateful she has her by her side. Kinda goes without saying but you know.

13. Chasing the Moon: I have a vague music video in my head for this of them falling in love and it's very cute so there's that. Also it's in this specific spot because hey she may be deeply traumatized but she's still got a fair number of things/people in her life that make her happy so :)

14. Follow My Girl: I've got a theme going in my head that while Tarinne is fairly certain of her place in the world, Cathala is still trying to find hers. She outlived all her connections on Pandaria because Elf Lifespans(tm) and the only members of her family still alive are distant relatives she never knew very well.

15. Wish That You Were Here: This works both to represent Cathala on Pandaria feeling super homesick, and for more recently after Teldrassil. Either way, it's a message to her parents and sister.

16. Mr. Fear: She does her damnedest to hide it but she's absolutely terrified something like Teldrassil's gonna happen again! That fear drives her to do everything in her power to protect who and what she can. As long as they're not Forsaken, cause she's still got her biases, that compassion even extends across faction lines. She never really got the whole Alliance/Horde thing anyway. Innocent people shouldn't have to die, regardless of who or what they are.

17. Ordinary Day: Not to get super out there but I think this song works as symbolizing Cathala really trying to hold on to her faith in Elune, but ultimately feeling pretty abandoned. I mean she can clearly see Elune's influence everywhere. But Elune sure ain't doing Cathala any favors as far as she can tell! It also ends the whole playlist on maybe a bit of an uncertain/open-ended note, because this "losing faith" aspect is a new thing with her and will definitely be something she continues to struggle with for a while. On a related note, I should say Tarinne is still very much devout but she gets what Cathala's feeling and doesn't force anything on her, and vice versa. And Cathala wouldn't become atheist, the night elves aren't monotheistic and she still worships all the other deities, it's just specifically Elune she's a little :/ on.

#cathala #tarinne #oc playlist

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