#but Donnie looked great in that one scene I caught a glimpse of

[well-its-not-human-anymore]

Okokok here this: april, reader and casey try to prank the boys. How does it go. With who does it fails/success, what was the prank, do they get caught? Do the boys get revenge, and if so, how?

Also, splinter sees it all unfolds, does he just gets himself a snack and watch, or does he tries to subtly join in without getting caught? (We all know hes got a playful side cmon)

Bonus: they try to prank vern too, maybe the boys join in to prank him? What do they do? Does he retaliate?

Okay so I admit I let my brain go nuts on this one, so it's a little long but I was cackling the entire time I was writing it.

TMNT Headcanons

Prank Wars

Leonardo

In your complete and utter defence, Leo had 100% started this

And also in your defence, you did tell him not to

Twice

But he tricked you into watching a horror movie and ended up dying your hair green

This meant war

You'd even wrapped up April and Casey into it

Their problems were your problems

Which meant that April was the one who convinced Splinter not to say anything to his sons

He was perfectly happy to oblige

Casey was just there to help set things up

And you liked the way his mind worked

The objective wasn't to go unnoticed, there would be no point in doing it and having no proof

You were doing this to prove that you could

Leo had emphasized that he couldn't be distracted

That you were to obvious and clumsy to prank him without him noticing

Challenge fucking accepted

And that's how you ended up at the kitchen table eating lunch with April and Casey when the boys were coming back from meditating with Splinter

April kept having to shove food in her mouth to hide her laughter

Casey just decided to wear sunglasses

And you kept overpowering the urge to smirk

"Hey guys, good to see you. Y/n have you seen my katanas?"

With the obstruction of water in your mouth you just nodded at him, pointing to the other room

He sauntered off, none the wiser to your victorious grin

When he came back in only a moment later his expression had done a complete 180

Leo made direct eye contact with you and you held that stare like a wolf cornered in its den

"does someone want to explain why my katanas are encased in blueberry jello?"

You raised your hand like a child in class

"hate to break it to you, but it's actually berry blue you uncultured bitch"

Raphael

Ohhhh you were so undeniably dead

A whole other level of six feet under

It wasn't a surprise that April and Casey had backed out on this one

It also wasn't a surprise that Splinter had offered to stand up for you if things went sideways

Donnie even gave you a sheet of paper with a list of hiding spots before hand

All of this went completely unnoticed by Raph, the target of your latest scheme.

And that was fine, you had only one objective here-

Make it out alive

But it was amazing what 1 person could do with some extra cash and internet access

So that's what led you to your current position.

Cross legged on the bench, watching the large red terrapin get ready for his first set, that in itself wasn't unusual, you always watched him lift just in case you needed to run and grab someone if something went wrong

Raph was none the wiser to your plan

At least that's what you thought

Your book was in your lap and you were calmly scanning your pages, somewhat comprehending the words but keeping a very close eye on the turtle across from you

"Hey y/n?"

You peeked over the edge of your book to meet his eyes

And your heart sank to your stomach

"Yeah Raph?"

He smirked at you, taking a lumbering step forward

"You ever seen that episode of the Office where Jim fills Dwight's phone with nickels so when he takes 'em out Dwight punches himself in the face?"

Shit shit shit shit shit shit-

"Uh... No, can't say that I have, why do you ask?"

That damn smile got even wider and all of your muscles tensed, you were ready to bolt

"I'm giving you a fifteen second headstart. Starting right now."

You flew to your feet and sprinted out of the weight room

"DONNIE WE GOTTA CODE RED!"

Your lungs were ready to burst by the time you made it to your decided hiding spot. Heavy footsteps went right underneath you and you held your breath, you wouldn't dare move.

You didn't come down until hours later when Splinter came and coaxed to you out of hiding

But deep down you knew you'd started something you couldn't finish.

Vern Fenwick

You didn't even have to convince the guys to partake in this

You didn't even get the chance to tell them what you were planning

They were already brainstorming

None of you let a word of it slip to April, she would've shut you down faster than you could blink

A complete buzz kill

But fake blood was relatively cheap and all of Vern's flooring was tile (meaning extremely easy to clean and bleach)

Donnie had really been the mastermind behind the execution, none of you had any idea how he'd rigged the apartment plumbing

But he'd assured you it would only affect Vern's suite and no one else's so you didn't concern yourself with it further

And after the fact you had to wonder what exactly the former cameraman was planning on the date he'd been in the middle of

All you knew was that you got a very frantic call from the falcon himself yelling about blood coming out of his tap and the sink wouldn't shut off and it was everywhere and what the fuck was happening?

You all knew that Splinter thought it was hilarious, he'd never been particularly fond of Vern

But he did make his sons assist in the clean up and bleaching of the victims apartment floor

You went too and offered moral support

Vern had hit on you one too many times, so there was no way you'd feel bad about this

Michaelangelo

As far as pranking went, you and Mikey were partners in crime

He always had great ideas and you always came up with the best ways to execute those ideas without getting caught

But when you separated those two chaos was guaranteed

You weren't entirely sure how you had been pitted against each other but you weren't entirely mad about it

You couldn't say the same for anyone else though, the others had been on edge all week.

Pranking Mikey was a challenge, he knew how you worked and vice versa

You'd been brainstorming with April for weeks now, maybe a new perspective would help

That's what the two of you told yourselves anyways

Much to your dismay, Mikey and Casey had been plotting against you as well, the traitor.

And perhaps even more unfortunate was the fact that both of your pranks somehow overlapped and backfired on the rest of the family

Because Mikey and Casey may have replaced the family tea set with a edible sugar replica that looked identical to the original

So that when you were asked to make tea for Splinter and Leo it would dissolve the second you poured the hot tea

But they didn't tell anyone else so Leo was left with an impromptu anxiety attack when he made his own tea before sitting down to meditate and it melted into sugary leaf water

And you and April had planned the 'cutting off your finger in the kitchen' with the knife, fake finger, and fake blood

Which in theory should've worked because Mikey was in the kitchen the most, that was his territory

However once you'd started your plan you couldn't stop it

so when you 'cut your finger off' and screamed for Mikey you didn't have time to yell "wait it's a prank!" before Donnie caught a glimpse of the scene and fainted

In your defence you didn't know the purple turtle could move that fast

And to Mikey's relief he was going to throw that cutting board out anyways

Splinter explicitly banned the two of you from pranking each other after that incident

Donatello

Per your own common sense you had come to the conclusion that pranking the families resident genius was a horribly stupid idea

So for once, you'd practiced some self control and refrained from any pranks involving Donnie

Now that's not to say that the turtle vowed from aiming any pranks towards you

He had morals but messing with you walked the line separating adorable from batshit crazy

And he was all for it

April advised against it severely and even Splinter seemed to think it wasn't the best idea, but that was a lesson his son had to learn on his own

On the flip side, the second Casey heard about Donnie's plan he was all for it

So when you came over for dinner they both had to hide their excited smiles as Casey passed you your spaghetti

He knew it was your favorite

Everyone else was oblivious, which looking back on it was a very bad thing

April had her suspicions that Donnie was pulling something this evening, but she couldn't put her finger on it

That wasn't until you swirled a mouthful of noodles around your fork and shoved it into your mouth, you were starving

Here lies your predicament-

You swallowed thickly and blinked like you were in pain, your hand went to your throat and you reached for your water, ending up chugging almost the entire bottle.

Your eyes met Donnie's in a serious type of concern

"Is there hot sauce in this?"

April choked on her breadstick and quickly covered her mouth

Casey hadn't picked up on it yet

"Awh yeah- how'd you figure it out so quickly?"

You erupted in a coughing fit that sent April rushing to your side before you could tumble to the floor

"You fucking assholes! Y/N has a capsaicin allergy! Casey go start the car we need to get them to the hospital!"

On the bright side you were fine after you were rushed to the ER

But you didn't speak to Donnie or Casey for two weeks following the accident

You eventually forgave them for it and they haven't targeted you since

Sorry if it got a little dark at the end, but I felt like it was more realistic. Also that has actually happened to me but it was a nut allergy (and that's how I found out I was allergic to cashews) But I feel like the ending was a good example of how pranking someone can go horribly wrong, you should always consider the possibilities before doing something that could cause harm to a person. (Unless they really really deserve it)

I really enjoyed writing this one and I hope you guys like it as much as I do! 😁🧡👍

-Mars 🌠

[gaycrouton]

oh my goodddd i loved your underwear fic and would be so happy if you ever decided to continue it

Thank you so much!! For those that didn’t see it, a while back ago I posted this fic called Lingerie. Here are a few more random bonus takes!

Lingerie Bonus:

I

“Scully?”

“Hm?”

“Why are you wearing your coat?” he asked, finally broaching the question that’d been on his mind for the last two hours. He’d initially not taken much notice, but then he started picking up on the way she kept trying to roll up her sleeves and failing miserably because of the bulk. He’d thought she’d just forgotten until it became overwhelmingly obvious this was a purposeful suffering she was putting herself through. he knew his new partner had some quirks, hell so did he, but this just seemed uncomfortable.

“Um, I’m just a little cold,” she shrugged. That might have passed if it weren’t for the extreme binaries working in the basement in winter came with. In this realm of the building, the heat was always either broken, leaving them to freeze, or it was overcompensating, leading them to boil. This was a boiling day and he was uncomfortable even looking at her.

“Scully,” he repeated accusatorily, not letting the lie slide.

“I’m dressed innapropriately for work,” she replied, letting her eyes fall back down to the paperwork on her desk as if to signal her indifference on the subject.

Every fibre in his body wanted to make a suggestive joke, but he was too worried about her overheating in the name of modesty. “It’s just a paperwork day,” he offered. She didn’t say anything and he followed with a sympathetic, “It can’t be that bad.”

“I’m not wearing an undershirt,” she blurted as if it was a big reveal. 

It wasn’t.

“So?” he prompted, uncertain of what was causing the issue.

“I’m wearing a thin white blouse and a black bra,” she elaborated, still not making eye contact, but not making much progress on the paper she’d been staring at.

Oh.

He laughed sympathetically and did his very best not to imagine what that looked like. “No one ever comes down here but us,” he offered.

She finally looked up at him and she looked like she was carefully trying to choose her words.

Double oh.

“I hope I’ve never made you feel uncomfortable-” he started apologetically. Was she really suffering because she thought he’d just leer at her?

She cut him off immediately as if already knowing what he was thinking. “No, it’s not you, Mulder.”

They stared at each other for a moment before awkwardly laughing off the uncomfortable situation. “I just didn’t want you to think this is how I normally dress. I didn’t even realize how noticeable it was until I took off my coat at security.”

“You can dress however you want,” he offered. At her raised eyebrow he quickly added, “I mean, what’s important is your work. I’d never judge you for whatever you choose to, or not to, wear.” He was digging himself in a hole, but based off her smile, she wasn’t mad.

She stood up and started unbuttoning her coat. “Good, because then I’d have to start being vocal about my opinions on your ties.”

He let out a little laugh before looking down at his current tie with pigs on it. “Hey, what’s wrong with my ties?” he asked before lifting his eyes back up to her.

No wonder she’d been shy. The silk blouse was nearly see through and her black bra was undoubtably visible through it. He’d taken a big glimpse of her back as she hung up her coat, but only saw the two front cups for all of one millisecond before giving her privacy and darting his eyes down to his work.

“Aside from the fact they’re tacky?” she teased goodnaturedly. He could hear the smile in her voice, but didn’t want to look at her and accidentally look down and make her regret her decision.

He was able to keep his eyes away for the whole rest of the day and for that, when the coat was back on her shoulders in preparation for the walk out, she gave him a grateful smile and an appreciative “Thank you, Mulder.”

He was proud of himself for proving that he was a good partner and would never oogle her, but later that night his thoughts kept flashing to that hint of black lace and he remembered a millesecond’s glance can go a long way with a photographic memory.

II

“Mulder! I need your help!”

The bright flash of the crime scene techs make him blink his eyes and wipe a hand over his face. He’d been here once before, when he quite literally kicked her door down to rush to the bathroom and find her fighting with Tooms.

Sometimes he liked to imagine what it’d be like for them to be the average, everyday partners. Would she have ever invited him over for a cup of coffee? Or would he have never seen the inside of Scully’s domain if it wasn’t the scene of a crime?

Wordlessly, passively listening to the ongoing conversations around him that were saying nothing more than abduction, blood, missing, is that her partner? He had to see everything - he had to make sure no stone was left unturned.

He entered forbidden domain without hesitation. Of all the times he imagined being in Scully’s bedroom-

He shook the thought from his mind and glanced analytically around the room. It was as he’d imagined: clean, orderly, feminine, so very Scully. A closet in the corner was cracked open and he mindlessly went over to it. Realistically, he knew it was his memory of her telling him about Donnie Pfaster keeping her in the closet mixed with his desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, Duane Barry was stupid and this was all a misunderstanding and he’d find her there. But, as his heart knew, as soon as he opened the door there was nothing.

Well, nothing wasn’t accurate. This was the closet that she kept her clothes and hamper in, and upon opening it he was met with a strong waft of her scent and all the clothes he’d do anything to see filled again. 

His eye was caught by a cup of a white bra dangling off the laundry basket, caught on the rim by the bridge in the middle and a matching pair of white panties sitting on top of the other dirty clothes. He swallowed thickly and felt a crashing wave of guilt for feeling like he was invading her privacy.

He needed to find her.

III

Either she didn’t hear him knock on the adjoining door or he didn’t hear her tell him to wait. His brain was too overwhelmed in this moment to actually know which it was.

All he knew was that he just walked into see Scully on all fours with her ass in the air towards him as she looked under her bed for something. That in and of itself would have been enough to kill him, but she was currently in the middle of getting dressed and all she was wearing was her underwear. Which, he was eternally greatful for because he may have just died on the spot if not. 

Her back was pale and milky with an intermitten smattering of freckles that reminded him of starlight, but what stood out most in this moment was how round and perfect her-

“Mulder!” she screamed as she completely fell to the floor, as if trying to dissolve into it. Her hands quickly came to her front to cup her breasts as she whipped her head over her shoulder.

He only met her eyes for a moment before snapping them shut and running back to his room, slamming the door behind him. “Scully, I’m so sorry!”

IV

It would be a miracle if he didn’t crash, plain and simple. It was just impossible not to look. 

Scully’d fallen asleep in the passenger seat, a gift he’d forever be envious of, but as she slept she inadvertenly unbuttoned the top button she’d previously had buttoned which opened her blouse down to the front middle clasp of her bra. She was dead to the world, her lips parted slightly as her chest rose with each deep breath. It was just him alone in the car now with the sounds of the seventies and Scully’s sleeping body turned towards him.

Because of course she was.

What really didn’t help was the intermitten groans she’d release as she’d squirm in her seat in an attempt, he presumed, to get more comfortable. Oh, and to add to it all, her skirt was riding up as her hand just innocently rested at the hem. It was a sight that was as endearing as it was arousing.

She made a gasping sound and his eyes left the road to look at her face, which was now accented with a furrowed brow of sleepy concentration. Was she having a nightmare?

His own brows furrowed in concern as he glanced between the stretch of desolate highway and the passanger seat to make sure she was okay. From mile marker 66 to 78, she gasped three times, moaned twice, and readjusted one time that resulted in her brushing her breasts against his arm that was resting on the middle console, and now Mulder was cursing himself for not wearing better pants. 

“-der,” she whispered. He’d heard those three letters together enough to know it was the ending half of him name, but he’d never heard them in quite that inflection. Curiosity started to turn into hopeful understanding as he realized that Dana Scully, his beautiful partner, sounded like she was having a sex dream.

But there was no way-

He glanced at her colored cheeks as she sleepily nuzzled herself against the headrest. Against his better judgement, his eyes darted down to the valley of her breasts and stared appreciatively before she breathily whispered, “Fuck.”

Then, with the timing and grace of a bull in a china shop, he drove over a rumble strip and she woke up with a start. “Wha’s wrong?” she slurred sleepily but alarmed.

“Sorry,” he coughed, readjusting himself in his seat while praying she didn’t see his hard on. “I was looking at a billboard and drove over a rumble strip,” he explained, hoping she didn’t turn around and notice the large expanse of nothingness behind them.

Luckily she was too preoccupied with herself to notice anything else. She started pulling down her skirt and rebuttoning her shirt before squirming in her seat uncomfortably. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, uh-” she started, but stopped herself.

“Hm?” 

“Did I talk in my sleep at all?” she asked nervously.

With her behaviour confirming his hopeful suspicions, he bit back a smile. “No, not at all.”

Extra Bonus

She wasn’t sure if there was a sight more jarring but welcome to her than that of a sleeping Mulder in nothing but his boxers in her bed. It was a sight she’d imagined countless times over, though she’d never admit it, but she didn’t think it would take these circumstances for it to have to happen.

She’d seen his body in an assortment of ways and segments throughout their partnership, but she’d never gotten a chance to really appreciate it up close. It truly wasn’t fair that he lived on a diet of fast food and Kraft Mac and Cheese yet could simply run on occasion and have a body like this, but she was too stunned by it to be resentful. 

This is what he was hiding beneath his clothes every day. Mulder was always kind, gentle, and sweet towards her, but this was a body of elegant strength and power. He wore his masculinity well and she wasn’t saying that jsut because, in her efforts to document his recovery, she’d observed his nocturnal tumesence come and go in flares. 

It just amused her to no end he was sleeping like an angel on the very same spot she’d been in while imagining him with her hand between her legs. 

Though he’d been wearing a little less in her imagination.

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of Marvel: Week of October 16th, 2019

Best of this Week: Absolute Carnage #4 - Donny Cates, Ryan Stegman, JP Mayer, Frank Martin, Jay Leisten and Clayton Cowles

God is Coming and Eddie Brock is ready for him.

Things have not been looking good for Eddie, Peter and the rest of the heroes of New York. Carnage’s brutality and efficiency has seen him gain the upper hand at every turn imaginable, allowing him to snatch up codices from almost everyone he’s encountered. Ghost Riders haven’t been safe, Spider-People haven’t been safe and even girls with magical powers over hell haven’t been able to stop Carnage’s warpath. 

The last issue saw him take the appearance of Eddie Brock to infiltrate The Maker’s lab to steal the codices from Captain America, The Thing and Wolverine, taking everyone by surprise and seeing the Hulk use the Venom Symbiote himself. This issue follows up on that excellently by showing us the fallout of Hulk merging with Venom, Eddie dealing with the loss of his other again and the heroic efforts he makes to protect his son. 

The book begins with an amazingly drawn and explosive punch by Venom Hulk. Carnage is laughing as he’s being put through a wall while clawing at Hulk’s eyes. The Symbiote is barely able to contain all of Hulk’s massive musculature as it appears to be tearing apart around his fist and forearm. The use of blur around the edges of the page sell you on the velocity of the punch and all of the rubble flying out as they go through the wall shows just how heavy and impactful the blow was. For added measure, there’s even a pigeon just flying by as it all happens.

As the fight is going on, Eddie and Peter take Normie and Ethan to The Maker’s armory to protect the kids from the Symbiote Zombies and Norman Osborn himself. Eddie is dead set on protecting the other heroes, but Peter tries to convince him to stay down with the rest of them. This issue gives us one of the best glimpses of the inner heroism of Eddie Brock as he looks at Spider-Man with the most desperate look possible, one eye stitched closed and asks him to let him do this. Spider-Man does and Eddie gathers Cap’s shield and maybe some kind of electric glove to go and protect everyone. Presumably, the events of Amazing Spider-Man #31 take place while Eddie is out fighting.

The next few pages are just strings of awesomely paced and spectacularly drawn fight scenes. Eddie, armed with the shield, fights his way through Carnage’s hordes and Miles Morales as an infected symbiote re-emerges. (Sorta ignoring the events of Miles’ own tie-in) Elsewhere, Venom Hulk and Carnage continue their romp around the warehouse district as Carnage is surprisingly holding his own against the black and green giant. Frank Martin and the various inkers really set the mood for the fight. The fires glow bright in the backgrounds with a vibrant red and white coloring to it, almost like a fiery mist. Rain crashes down around them and the inks are dark in the perfect places, really bringing out the deep red in Carnage’s color scheme as well as the black veins that now coil around his body. As Carnage mushes Hulk into a wall, you can feel his expression of pain and rage, accentuated by the glowing green of his eyes.

Pinned under Cap’s shield with Miles bearing down on him, Eddie decides to use the shock glove to blast the symbiote off of the young Spider, allowing the two to finally re-team as Miles runs down what he learned while hearing Carnage’s thoughts. He warns that if he gets Hulk’s Codex and the Venom Symbiote, he’ll be unstoppable. In a surprise upset, Carnage overpowers the mind of the Hulk, turning him back into Banner and rips his spine right out as Eddie and Miles show up. It’s a disgusting scene as they always are with Cowles making sure to put as much emphasis as he can by giving it a nice “SHRIPP” sound effect in big, bold, red letters over an entirely black background.

Before we know it, Carnage is covered in the Venom Symbiote, becoming an ultra badass. Ryan Stegman has done a lot to redesign some of the elements of some symbiotes, but this Black Carnage is somehow so much cooler and so much better. He looks like a demon knight with the pauldrons with spikes, an improbable neck guard/collar and Maleficent-esque horns all crackling with hell energy. Eddie begins to lose all hope upon seeing him, but that feeling is washed away when Captain America, The Thing and Wolverine all show up to help in the fight.

Miles grabs Eddie and tells him that the Maker’s machine that was supposed to destroy the codices did no such thing and instead saved them all. The last moments of the book show the Doverton Avengers fight a losing effort against Carnage while Eddie punches the machine, giving his own inner monologue about how he feels something creeping up inside of him. The hope that he thought was lost. Surrounded by all of this blackness and despair, Carnage and all of his bringers of Death, Eddie punches his way to the light.

As the penultimate issue to Absolute Carnage,  have to say that this event and the various tie-ins that have accompanied it have been absolutely amazing to read. I usually decry back to back event stories, especially since we had just come off the heels of War of the Realms, but Absolute Carnage fit the aesthetic of everything I love in stories. It’s dark, it’s bleak and it’s Absolutely Brutal.

Ryan Stegman can do no wrong here as his art style is amazing from start to finish, he has an eye for action scenes and makes great use of single a double page spreads to bring out the most in every scene. Even when the fighting is confined to a few panels, he manages to spring as many infected as he can into the space, making things feel claustrophobic and dangerous. Frank Martin’s colors give this book life, however, when they’re burning with darkness or glimmer with small glimpses of hope. They complete the amazing package by pulling the emotion out of you, whether you’re terrified or you have a bit of hope only or it to be ripped away.

JP Mayer and Jay Leisten help him by making sure that the pages have the perfect amount of darkness to them. The inks are phenomenal and really help to give off that feeling of hopelessness and danger in every scene, even better that most of this story takes place at night so the mood is always set.

I love that Eddie Brock is starting to be seen less as the villain who used to eat people’s brains and more as this responsible every-man that’s been caught in an extraordinary situation. When he got the Symbiote back at the end of Lee Price’s time in All-New, All Different Marvel, I never expected him to get this much heart. That’s the main thing that Donny Cates has contributed to this character, that feeling of heroism.

Eddie’s becoming a much better person than he ever was in the past, but at the same time, we know that he can never fully escape who he was. Even at the end of this issue there was a transcription of his first time in jail when he first met Cletus Kasady and it was so weird to see how unhinged Eddie was not too long ago.

As Absolute Carnage draws to a close (and with Venom Island on the horizon) I can’t wait to see what direction his story takes and how Eddie Brock could possibly see Avenger status in the far future. High recommend.

[twilightpony4]

Ola Americano... Turtle?: 26. Back Home

Today in the lair was very slow. Although it was filled with the people that the family knew (besides Vincent) and sensei, they kept it very mellow. Out of the five people there, only three of them knew something that the other two did not. The three adults were in the kitchen and talking with one another. April and Vern sat at the table as Casey leaned against the countertop with a bag of Doritos that he was definitely stealing from the boys. Splinter was tucked away in his quarters in meditation after he had a good bonsai maintenance session with Angel. The girl, however, decided to relax in the living room with Bambi 2 playing on the big screen. Girl couldn’t help that she found the OG movie in their movie stash. Let a girl have her fun.

The current scene was of the little baby bunny who went racing to find the father of the young Prince who wanted to prove to him how brave he was. Thumper was always the wingman. The young bunny huffed out of breath as he approached the Great Prince who stared down at him with great awe. As the chicana watched with fervor, she did not detect the surprise. Ever so slowly the door to the secret lair opened up. Coming out of it were the returning heroes from Brazil, bags slung over their shoulder yet just as silent as if they weren’t wearing them. Quietly, they executed their plan without hesitation. Slowly, they snuck around their own home with Leonardo leading the way as the rest acted as lookouts for the intended subjects to ambush. They heard the TV playing the movie as they kept on creeping. Donatello was the first to peek into the kitchen while the others stood back to make sure the coast was clear. Seeing the three nearly gave him a heart attack but he was really good at hiding his internal screams. The brightening and direction of Casey’s eyes prompted the other two adults to turn around in their chair. They were ecstatic but had to keep quiet. Donatello took a step from the wall to show the others that it was clear. “Splinter” he mouthed to them. April shook her head along with the other two and pointed towards the living room. “Angel” she mouthed before pointing to where Splinter was an mouthed it as well. The techie turtle gave her a thumbs up before proceeding. As he moved, they got to see the rest of them and waved them hello. When the last of them passed, April got up to follow far behind them. Casey began to wrap up the Dorito bag so he can come too. The loud crunching made the girl turn and scowl at him. He shrugged and whispered.

“She’s not gonna turn around for that!” But April only shushed him in annoyance. Defeated, he sighed and dropped the bag on the counter as the bag slowly unwound itself.

“There’s this thing! And it’s got these eyyyyyes!” The little rabbit began to talk quickly to the grown deer. Michelangelo pulled ahead of the group, tiptoeing a little faster and taking the risk but to the group’s confusion. “And! And these claws like ‘grrrr’! And it walks around like this.” As it gave a little dance, Michelangelo stood right over the back of the couch. Angel’s hat blocked the turtle’s view from seeing her face, which probably aided him in which she couldn’t get a glimpse of him from behind her. She was totally oblivious. “And well-.”

“YOU GOTTA SEE IT!” Michelangelo shouted as he took her by the shoulders and shook her. The girl got off the couch and whipped around with her hands up and legs spread wide in a defensive position while screaming her lungs off. The laughter caught her off guard as she quieted down when she saw her friends who had returned from their trip were all standing behind the couch with the adults strolling in with equally amused expressions.

“My boo!” She lit up before stomping onto the couch and standing on top of the ‘cushions’. She scowled at her best friend, staring him down. “Imma tear yo head up!” She threatened. “Right after I love on ya.” Again, her expression changed quickly as she lunged for him. Her arms and legs wrapped around him as he chuckled and held her up.

“Just wanted to surprise my girl.” He laughed, squeezing her hard.

“I guess that’s not me then.” April stepped in, cocking her head to the side with her arms crossed like she usually does when questioning others sarcastically. Angel let go when she felt him turn to the woman. He kept her on his hip to explain himself. His other arm brought April in close.

“April, you the bae. Tell your bae, surprise the side chick.” He bounced Angel before letting her down. The older woman placed her hand behind his shell.

“I see that.” She smiled, playing along.

“Shell-shock!” Donnie called happily. The mutants “awwww”ed in a hyped up monotone before engulfing the two girls in a massive hug that was an experience exclusive to only their mutant friends. Imagine being engulfed in so much love that large, 6 ft. plus reptiles. A one-in-a-million experience.

“Jump in here!” Mona peeked through a small opening between Donnie and Raphael. Her arms beckoned towards Casey who was just standing a few feet away and awkwardly watching them all. The question caught him off guard.

“Nah, I’m good.” He put a hand up while facing the floor. “I feel the love over here.” Mona rolled her eyes but continued to participate in their love-fest.

“Yeah don’t worry, I’m good.” Vern validated as he stood next to Casey. He exchanged a quick, cocky yet subtle expression towards him.

“We didn’t really want ya anyways.” Raphael’s comment brushed that whole look off of his face, prompting Casey to keep in his laughter.

“Aye! I love ya’ll but you can stop this ‘cause ya’ll smell like Jungle Boogie, back up!” Angel began to push the two boys that were pressed up against her. They began to back away from her and unleashed their grips on one another. Honestly, it has been all river water they’ve been bathing in. Not the nastiest but also not the cleanest. Naturally, there was going to be some type of foreign and unpleasant smell coming from all of them. When they moved, so did the smell and Angel couldn’t be more happy to smell the incredibly faint sewer smell being masked by the much stronger Pine Sol scent that had been established by the women in their lives.

“Did ya’ll get what you needed from that chick ya’ll had me translate?”

“Oh yeah we did!” Mikey exclaimed ferociously followed by a light laugh as he pointed towards his red banded brother. “She and Raph were going at it and it was hilarious ‘cause she dragged Donnie into it.”

“That girl was a bisssssh…” Raphael was going to finish his sentence until he saw the snout of his father descending from his quarters. His eyes were wide and his voice carried on as he leaned forward, waiting for a way to get out of this possible cursing situation out of the ears of his rat master. Suddenly, he straightened himself up and towered over the young turtle. His fist was clenched and up towards his face. “Bishou.. up for bringing it up!” He growled while Michelangelo was shook by this turn of his tone. Nice save.

“For real?” Angel continued, acting oblivious to the current situation. “What was that address she gave you? Secret lair?” Angel leaned in, quieting her voice as she was attempting to extract every single detail. “Government facilities?” Collectively, the group showed their clenched teeth and exchanged glances with one another. There was even a soft hiss emitting from them.

“Dance hall.” Leo blurted out. Another good answer. This time, Angel was able to read what was going on since most of their eyes touched the presence of Master Splinter who was taking his sweet time to greet his family. Angel looked over her shoulder quickly before hunching over and whispering.

“Tell me later, boo.”

“I’d rather not.” Mona crossed her arms over her chest as she spoke deadpan.

“Sensei!” The boys shouted collectively. They met their father a quarter of the way before all six of the mutants engulfed their rat master with their bodies. April came to stand behind Angel with her hands on her shoulders as they smiled warmly at the family affair.

“My children.” The humans in the room can hear his soft voice being engulfed in his children’s embrace. “It was... quiet when you were gone.” The mutants disbanded from him, either smiling or appearing somewhat insulted by his teasing.

“We missed you too, Splinter.” Raphael spoke low while nodding his head and keeping his hand on his father’s side. The older rat gave a soft nod and acknowledged him with a soft chuckle.

“I have gotten word from Vincent that your mission was successful,” His hands dropped in front of him, intertwined. “as you assured me upon returning.” Yes, they did tell Splinter that they were returning home, but they did not say when. Hence, this surprise is valid.

“Chapelin was shipped over and is being interrogated by Vincent and her team.” Venus explained as she crossed over to sit down on their couch. She really did miss her family but the trip was very much draining. Her legs crossed with one another on the cushions as she closed her eyes and rested her head on her hand while her elbow supported it. Raphael removed his hand from Splinter and crossed it over his chest.

“Shredder and Stockman are still running around but we can’t do anything about it right now. She wants us to rest up though since we’ve been gone for so long.”

“I can go for a nice vacation.” Mona chimed in, arching her back as her hands pressed it in a stretch. Donatello laughed to himself, shaking his head.

“There’s never a vacation.” he responded humorously. Leonardo nodded with an equally humored chuckle. “We’re still going out on patrol.” The lizard lady hunched over slightly and contorted her face. The upper corner of her lip rose while the eye of the same side squinted,  followed by an annoyed sigh.

“But we’ll be home” Raphael rocked his body, tapping her with his shoulder. “and deal with the criminals who in comparison to Shredder look mediocre.” Her head rocked, weighing her options.

“I can deal with that.” Still not as fun as total relaxation, but you can’t always get what you want.

“You went to Brazil during their Carnival!” April cut in, reverting all eyes on her. She was a lot more expressive and excited than the rest of her tired crowd. “Hello?! How was that?”

“Colorful. Loud.” Donatello listed with his fingers.

“Block parties!” Michelangelo shouted in a deep tone as he moved over to sit with Venus on the couch. Keeping anyone else from joining them. He placed his body across the couch while he leaned on his turtle sister. “Annnnd having to fight Chapelin with a gun to Mona and Raph in front of a stadium of thousands.” The statement was so casual yet those who were in New York this whole time had a jaw-dropping moment.

“See? You can’t miss out on these big details.” April defended.

“Report much?” Donnie teased. The woman rolled her head.

“You guys like to leave the fun stuff out a lot.” She pouted. Whenever she needed extra details on her stories to use for her day job, she’d have to milk it out of them. April never knew why. Maybe to keep her longer? Donatello placed a hand on his hip.

“It’s like this everyday. There’s no regular day in our lives.” April mouthed ‘oh’ silently and sassily, in which Donnie humorously returned the favor.

“Venus messed his gun up with her powers.” The leader in blue gently placed his hands on both sides of the resting turtle’s head to show the people. “She deserves the credit.” Venus kept her tired eyes closed but showed them an enthusiastic smile. Then, she lifted her head on her own and opened her eyes to speak.

“Ah, as much as I would accept it, we cannot forget Raphael” She turned her body the other way to point. “was the one who ultimately defeated him in the end.” The big brute smiled similarly to Venus’, which was endearing since both of theirs were sweet little smiles of their achievements.

“And then what happened?”

“Raph kissed Mona!” Michelangelo belted out. That smile Raphael faded into udder horror. The rest of the family had a little jump in their soul. Mona shifted her shocked gaze to Raphael, who matched her looks. Quickly, Leonardo retaliated by pointing.

“Mona kissed Raph!” he yelled. Another jump, but more subtle this time.

“Wait, what?!” April blinked.

“Holy sh*t!” Casey shouted before aggressively slapping his hand over his mouth. “Sorry about the sh*t.” He closed his mouth again after trying to apologize to the sensei. “I’m going to stop saying sh*t.” This time his hand slapped his forehead before shuffling in place to keep himself from speaking anymore. Vern, seeing his struggle, stepped within his space and tried to whisper advice to him and seperate them from the rest.

“When you say you’re going to stop-.” He began before a frustrated Casey Jones cut him off.

“I got it. I’m good.”

Master Splinter had yet to speak or show any serious sign of emotion of how he felt about all this. Donatello made it by his father’s side. His arms crossed over his body and he leaned over his side to add:

“Turns out they’ve been doing that for a while.” matter-of-factly.

“Sensei?” Mona took a small, creeping step towards him with concern. He did not respond in any sure way. Raphael put his hands up in surrender and stood up as straight as he could.

“Dad, before you-.”

“Beautiful, my children.” He stated. Both Mona Lisa and Raphael were taken aback by his answer and quite honestly were skeptical about it. Splinter was the master of deception and even his answers for things could be misleading. “I would like to believe that in the possible case that you no longer choose to be together that you will remain on neutral terms?” He questioned. Mona Lisa was the first to shake off that this was not some sort of trickery.

“We are a team. All of us. You can’t mess with a formula that’s already working.” Her smile pulled Raphael out of his shocked state and nodded.

“Despite any differences.” He concluded before giving her a reassuring glance.

“I do believe in such bonds” He reached out and took them both by the hand. Pulling them forward, he put Mona’s clawed hand into Raphael’s large palms. Them, he closed it over hers. “and I gladly accept you both.”

“Excuse me!” April pushed herself against Raphael. “Wait, what?!” She repeated. Her soul was still shook, but then she warmly wrapped herself around his arm. “Raphieeee!” April exclaimed while she squeezed the heck out of him. Ah, that name. Mikey called him that sometimes and April caught on. It was always an embarrassment when he heard it, which made him flush.

“Look!” The techie turtle followed by a sound effect that was similar to that heard on The Three Stooges. “I think he’s blushing!” Donnie pointed.

“Am not!” His voice was shrill while trying to hide his face from them in the most inconspicuous way possible. Coughing also didn’t help to get rid of his high pitched voice. Even with everyone basically surrounding and looking at him, the big turtle couldn’t escape for Mona and April were on either arm and smiling up at him to see his adorable vulnerability.

“I think he’s turning red like his bandana!” He continued teasing. It’s not an everyday opportunity you could get at Raphael like this. He was going to take his chance. Raphael released his grip on Mona. Suddenly, Raphael whipped something across his body. Donnie’s knees buckled as he saw a quick glimpse of his brother’s sai just barely wanting to glaze by his calf. Instead, it chose to stab itself into an opening of a chair’s frame. The metallic “schwing!” shook his core as he gulped and turned back around. “Hm... Maybe not.” April let go of Raphael and cocked her head at the newly stabbed chair. Best not to tease him in this subject matter, noted.

“That’s alright,” Angel walked towards the chair. The weapon was well stuck in there in which she had to put her foot on the cushion and pry it off. It came out so quickly that she stumbled back. When she caught herself, she held the sai by the handle and used it as a pointer. It was a lot heavier and bigger in her hand rather than what she would see it in Raphael’s hand. “I’m already on top of it with the ship names.” She smiled deviously.

“Oh jeez.” Raphael groaned. He shook his head within the palm of his hand while the other snatched the Sai from her grasp. The large turtle kept walking past her and towards his bedroom. Angel began to call to him.

“Raphona. Raphalisa.”

“We don’t need to hear this mess.” Donnie waved her off, thus beginning a movement of a disbanded family in all directions. Most went towards the kitchen while Venus got up to go to her own room, thus pushing Michelangelo off of her. The young turtle’s torso got dropped on the couch cushions, which surprised him greatly.

“Wait! Ya’ll need to help me!” Angel yelled in place as they all moved away from her. Even Vern and Casey escaped from her ‘girly’ need to name their romantic friends. “Where you goin!?”

“Monaphael.” Michelangelo peeked over the couch with the suggestion. He looked like a child, but when did he not? She took it into consideration.

“That’s a mouthful.” She admitted. “Mophael.”

“Raphalisa.”

“I just said that!” Does the boy ever listen? Then, the chicana slapped her hand to her forehead. Her eyes were as wide as her mouth. “Duuuude! I’m so dumb!” Her voice was deep. “Ramona!” She exclaimed. As great friends are, their expressions slowly brightened in accordance to the other. They began to quietly squeal and slap eachother’s hand in an almost digging motion.

“Yooooo! We got it!” Michelangelo bellowed. “WE GOT IT YALL! IT’S RAMONA! WATCH OUT FOR RAMONA!”

[kayskasmoviereviews]

Movie Review Catch-up for Fall 2017

I’ve had a busy semester and haven’t had time to review everything I’ve seen in quite a while. It’s been too long now for me to post individual reviews for each and every movie I’ve seen the last few months, but I’m going to post here a list of quick mini-reviews for each one I saw on DVD or streaming. I will later make individual reviews for those films I’ve seen in the theater this past semester. Here are the 37 movies I’ve seen outside the theater since my last update:

Split - M. Night Shaymalan is well and truly back with this fun, weird, twisted movie. I genuinely enjoyed it quite a bit, and was pleasantly surprised both by its overall quality and by its ultimate direction.

Murder by Death - Okay, so, yeah, Peter Sellers doing a yellow-face Asian caricature as the Charlie Chan-parody character is pretty racist, and definitely would not fly today. Still, this is a fun, funny movie with affectionate parodies of Poirot, Sam Spade, Nick and Nora Charles, Miss Marple, and other classic detective fiction characters. If you like Young Frankenstein, you’d probably like this movie too.

Metropolitan - Whit Stillman’s first film is a weird little delight. His gift for impossibly mannered dialogue and witty satire is fully evident from the beginning of his career. I wish this guy got the chance to make his movies more often.

Suzanne’s Career - I did not find Eric Rohmer’s second of the Six Moral Tales series as memorable as the first, The Bakery Girl of Monceau. In fact, I barely remember anything about this movie a few months after watching it. Ah well.

Starman - John Carpenter’s late-70s to early-80s run of films is one to be envied. He mastered so many different tones while generally staying within the rules of genre cinema - suspenseful in Halloween, horrifying in The Thing, campy and goofy in Big Trouble in Little China, satirical in They Live. Here he does sweet and romantic, and it works. Jeff Bridges’s performance as an alien is awesome.

Colossal - A sneaky, brilliantly written movie that at first seems like a fun mash-up of romantic comedy and Godzilla movie, but turns out to be something darker and more serious than that. A great example of a film built on a single, smart metaphor.

War on Everyone - This is a genuinely awful movie,which is a huge disappointment considering that the writer-director John Michael McDonagh’s previous film Calvary is one of my all-time favorites. I don’t know what went wrong here, but I hope McDonagh course-corrects.

Your Sister’s Sister - This is a cute, emotionally keen little indie drama. If you know who Mark Duplass is, you know the types of movies he does. This is one of them. Not the best example of the style he’s associated with, but a solid one.

Bob Roberts - This early ’90s political satire, written and directed by and starring Tim Robbins, is only kind of funny, but it’s insanely perceptive of how the American right manipulates and deludes people. It foreshadows the rise of Trump in many ways. It’s good enough to make you wish Robbins had more of a directing career than he’s had.

A Single Man - This visually stunning first film by the fashion designer Tom Ford centers on a melancholy performance by Colin Firth at his best. It’s definitely a movie for people who appreciate thoughtful storytelling and imagery.

Filth - Fuck this movie. It sucks.

Gerald’s Game - This claustrophobic thriller/horror movie makes the most out of its single main location and an excellent performance by Carla Gugino. This is a very solid Stephen King adaptation, and is consistently engaging for the way it constantly teeters on the edge of absolute horror.

Stray Dog - This early Kurosawa film isn’t his most exciting or visually distinctive, but it’s still a solid crime drama and a fascinating glimpse into Tokyo right after World War II. 

Incendies - This was the breakout film for director Denis Villenueve, who went on to direct masterpieces like Arrival, Blade Runner 2049, and Prisoners. It doesn’t quite have the stunning visuals of his later films, of course, but this drama benefits from an insanely strong script and storytelling. It hits you quite hard.

The Duke of Burgundy - This is a genuinely one-of-a-kind film. It’s a meditative, visually lush character study about two women in an intense lesbian S&M relationship. They live in a beautiful European countryside somewhere, in a society that apparently consists only of female entomologists. It’s truly weird. I was engrossed by it.

In the Loop - This acidic satire from Veep creator Armando Iannucci isn’t hilariously funny, but its jabs do land well thanks to an uncompromising performance by Peter Capaldi.

Man from Reno - Here’s an interesting oddity - a half-Japanese-language, half-English-language contemporary film noir about a Japanese novelist taking a vacation in San Francisco and getting caught up in a criminal’s web. It’s odd, stylish, and unpredictable.

Headhunters - This Norwegian crime thriller starts out promising to be an Ocean’s Eleven-style heist thriller about a smooth art thief, but that promise turns out to be a deliberate lie. What it actually is is a totally bonkers chase movie that turns out to be way more violent and chaotic than you were led to believe it would be. Highly recommended.

Meek’s Cutoff - I really liked this extremely slow-paced feminist anti-Western, but most people probably wouldn’t. The movie deliberately downplays everything you expect from the Western genre to instead focus on an unforgiving, harshly realistic portrayal of settlers who have no real idea where they’re going or how to get there. It’s up there with Valhalla Rising in terms of “this is how history actually would have looked and felt, and it kind of sucks” movies.

We Are Still Here - What at first poses as a quiet, “oh the ghosts are metaphors for something” quasi-horror movie takes a sharp left turn into full-blown, ultraviolent horror insanity. Kudos to the effects people, and to the actors for putting up with it.

An American Werewolf in London - I have to admit I was actually kind of disappointed by this one, given its minor-classic reputation. Sure, the werewolf effects are amazing, and Griffin Dunne is a ton of fun in a supporting role, but the romance is incredibly forced, and the story abruptly just ends on a really nothing note. The script needed more work in this case.

A Monster Calls - Beautiful, well-acted, incredibly moving drama about a boy facing the possibility of life without his terminally-ill mother. It made my friend Laura sob.

Lake Mungo - A genuinely spooky Australian horror movie posing as a documentary about a girl who haunted her family after her drowning death. This movie understands way better than most how to make something incredibly creepy without trying too hard.

Thesis - A gripping, quasi-Hitchcockian Spanish thriller about a film-studies student who discovers the existence of a snuff film in which she knows the victim. The ending does feel a bit disappointing, but the build-up is superb.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - This is the only Nightmare on Elm Street movie I’ve seen besides the original, and it’s pretty fun. The metafictional concept for the movie - Freddie Kreuger breaks out of the movies and into “the real world,” targeting the actress who played the heroine of the first movie - is very clever and thoroughly integrated into the entire story. The scares and special effects are mostly fun. My only problem, oddly enough, was that Freddie himself wasn’t really characterized enough.

Stretch - I can kind of see what Joe Carnahan was going for here, but the end result just kind of sucks.

My Life as a Zucchini - This is a beautifully animated, sweet, moving film about orphans. Despite the cute stop-motion style, the film is honest about the pain and trauma its characters experience.

Trick ‘r Treat - This campy little anthology horror movie doesn’t add up to much more than some creative special effects, a fun monster character, some darkly humorous scenes, and an overall feeling of mischievous fun, but that’s fine. I think the film largely does what it sets out for, and it eventually led the director to the superior Krampus.

Dark Star: H.R. Giger’s World - This documentary captures the surrealist artist H. R. Giger in the final year of his life. Giger was best known for designing the Xenomorph creature in Ridley Scott’s Alien, but he produced decades’ worth of dark, unsettling art on either side of that film. The movie doesn’t follow a standard biographical format, but gives you a thorough look at his late life.

Dragon - This is a visually engaging, exciting, often funny martial-arts/detective film starring the great Donnie Yen and Takeshi Kaneshiro. It’s an oddball film, and the ending may not be satisfying for some, but I quite enjoyed it.

Gremlins - Somehow I had never seen this wonderful little horror-comedy classic before, but I finally did on Thanksgiving. The story is only serviceable (I can barely remember the protagonist now), but that’s fine, because this movie is all about them gremlins. And boy, do they gremlin it up. It’s just so much fun, of the kind you only really find in those pre-CGI ’80s movies.

Stations of the Cross - This intense, aesthetically rigorous German drama about a fanatical Catholic teen is a harrowing and moving experience. The movie is made with only 14 individual shots, each of them lasting for quite a long while, and each scene paralleling one of the stations of the cross from Jesus’ crucifixion. Not light, obviously, but a great film.

Henry Fool - This strange, novelistic comedy-drama from ’90s indie filmmaker Hal Hartley is a weird, mannered, sometimes-ironic, sometimes-not study of the relationship between a pretentious would-be artist and a garbage-man who might actually be a great poet. There are tons of jarring tonal shifts and out-of-the-blue incidents in this film’s long run-time, yet it all feels of a piece, somehow. 

Knights of Badassdom - I liked the premise of this film, and I’m convinced a good movie could have been made with the same premise (and even some of the same cast), but this one ain’t it. The end product is sloppy and tonally adrift, and the ending in particular is incredibly stupid and unsatisfying. I wish this movie were way better than it is.

Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry - This is an intimate documentary about the contemporary Chinese artist, activist, and social-media personality Ai Weiwei. The movie follows him in the creation of some of his art pieces, his encounters with Chinese authorities, and his attempts to communicate with the people of China. I came away from the movie very persuaded of the social value of Weiwei’s efforts to stand-up to the repressive communist regime in China, but less persuaded about the intrinsic interest of some of his art.

Phoenix - This stylishly-made German drama in some ways replays Hitchcock’s Vertigo in 1946 Berlin. The film follows a Holocaust survivor (Nina Hoss) who, apparently rendered unrecognizable by facial reconstructive surgery, is recruited by her unwitting husband (who may have betrayed her) to pretend to be...herself. It’s like Hitchcock without as much suspense or immediate danger. The ending is excellent.

To Have and Have Not - As others have pointed out, this 1944 Humphrey Bogart movie in many ways plays like a rip-off of a certain 1942 Humphrey Bogart movie called Casablanca. I mean, in both films, you have Bogart playing a cynical American ex-patriate living in a foreign location and getting roped into schemes to smuggle French resistance fighters under the nose of corrupt local authorities at great risk to himself, while falling in love with a woman. There’s even a piano player featured prominently in both. Ultimately, this movie isn’t as good or as memorable as Casablanca, but then most aren’t. On its own terms, it’s still quite a solid film. Bogart’s as appealing as ever, and Lauren Bacall oozes sexy confidence. Walter Brennan is pretty fun in a supporting part as well.