#but!! mr mans!! mr jawska!! these r emotions!!

[chowtrolls]

Secrets

Length: 1438 Words TW: None! Just Jawska being emotional. Brief: Jawska thinks about the holiday. Credits: Sionah belongs to @/cherrytrolls ! 

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Jawska woke up and instantly regretted it. It was Quadrant's day.

He started the day with a short internal debate over what shirt to wear. He had the shirt Sionah made for him but he wasn't certain what kind of message that would give if he wore it on Quadrant's day. Ultimately it was the cleanest shirt he had. Surely there'd be no real harm in doing so. He had no plan of going into the shop right away. He wouldn’t run into Sio.

The rest of his morning routine was the same as any other day. Being single didn't change any of it. He contemplated making himself something special for breakfast, but settled for taking an apple with him. He opened the blinds so his plants could get light while he was out, and cracked open the window to the balcony just a smidge. Enough for the elderly cat that frequented his balcony to squeeze through and stay warm. That small act of kindness made Jawska feel better already. Still, a bitterness lingered. 

The streets were busy as trolls milled about. Jawska passed couple after couple. They held hands, pinkies, and wore matching clothes. Garments with each other's castes and symbols. Every couple Jawska passed only made the bitterness in his chest grow. The worst part was how guilty he felt. 

Trolls passed him with love in their hearts and hands to hold. Someone to wake up with the next morning, someone to kiss, someone who would care if they got hurt. Someone to make them feel loved and wanted. Moirails to comfort and soothe, matesprits to adore and coddle, kismesises to push them further. Jawska had none of it. He felt guilty for despising them, for being jealous. He knew he should be happy that others felt such strong love and a sense of belonging. 

As he waited in a small line to order coffee, he looked at quad-themed travel coffee cups. They were lined up neatly on little shelves. Quadrants were supposed to be that easy, that neat, that orderly. It was supposed to be that simple. It seemed like everyone else on the planet had already figured that out. Everyone else had learned the secret to making relationships be that easy. Had there been a book that Jawska was supposed to read? Was there a television show that exposed the secrets that Jawska had missed? Did their lusii tell them? Maybe that was the issue, his lusus never got that far. 

But surely, surely there were more trolls who had lost their lusii young? So how did they figure it out? What was he missing? 

The barista smiled from behind the counter as Jawska approached. He ordered his coffee, iced with cream. The barista made small talk as she wrote on the cup. 

"Great weather for the holiday, huh? Are you doing anything special?" Her voice was chipper and her eyes were bright. Jawska laughed a little. 

"Yeah, not too cold...gunna spend the day with my moirail after work." The lie rolled off his tongue so fluidly. The barista accepted it and sent him on his way. 

Jawska was no stranger to being single by now but there was always this stigma with it. He wasn't certain how real it actually was, how much of this stigma he had fabricated. It was common for trolls to question him, give him weird looks. A man couldn't buy a bouquet of flowers just for himself, he had to do it for a quad. He couldn't order two small pizzas for himself; it was weird if he admitted they were for himself. It was shameful to spend the holiday on his own. So he had to lie. But lying came easy. It wasn't the lie that made him upset, it was how simple it was. It was the fact that he felt ostracized for not knowing the secret that every troll seemed to know. 

Jawska tried to be happy for those around him. For every stranger's smiling face. For every giggle, every shared kiss, every soft moment. He knew inside their hearts were full. He knew they had the key, the secret that allowed them to do as he couldn't. 

Jawska didn't feel like going into work just yet. He felt lonely enough just wandering around with a cup of coffee and an uneaten apple to call his only friends. The sky started to change colors, the world telling Jawska how long he had been out. The windows of passing shops were decorated and adorned in diamonds, spades and hearts. There were sales and deals on boxes of candy and cards and dinners for two, or three, or four. After his hours of wandering alone, Jawska had perfected the art of tuning them out. The love songs playing from shopfronts became nothing more than white noise. Trolls smiling and kissing faded into the background. The crowd started to thin slowly but surely as trolls returned to their hives, to hold their loved ones close in private.

Jawska brought the straw to his lips one final time only to discover the cup empty. All that remained was melting ice. He tossed both the cup and uneaten apple before finally deciding to head into the shop. It was closer than his hive. The likelihood of him feeling isolated was small in the shop. He wouldn’t have to hear the neighbors in his apartment complex laughing and talking and being in love through the thin walls.

He found the shop empty. Jawska felt his heart sink when the realization that he was alone settled in. Sionah had been there prior but was gone now. That's fine, Jawska told himself, it's better this way. He had arrived late with the intention of not meeting Sionah, but still felt sad for reasons unknown. It was foolish to have such hopes.

Jawska contemplated working on projects but being alone with his thoughts didn't sound fun anymore. The music could only go so loud. Eventually he’d run into a song that made him think. That wouldn’t be good either. He made his way up the stairs and into the small living space that Sio and him had renovated. He tossed his coat over the back of the couch before he noticed what was sitting neatly on the coffee table. 

A small heart shaped box. There was an envelope with his name, written neatly in Sionah's handwriting. 

Jawska gently opened the envelope, as if afraid of damaging it. A gift card was tucked inside, with a short and sweet note written underneath. Jawska found himself smiling. For a brief moment, he felt...hopeful. Seen. Wanted. 

Maybe he didn't know what the secret was. Maybe he'd never figure it out, and maybe he didn't have to know. Jawska had spent the day feeling alone and invisible. To him, everybody had a troll who wanted them, who cared about them. He had been so blinded by his conflicting emotions, by his jealousy of others, that he hadn't seen the troll who cared about him. 

Jawska allowed himself to relish in the joy for a moment. But that moment was short. He had Sionah, who loved him as a friend. But it was nothing more than that. Jawska knew well that platonic love was just as important and could be every bit as fulfilling. Platonic love was a different ballgame entirely. Sionah was important to him and there was little that Jawska wanted more than to see him happy and in love. Someone would, one day, love Sionah as he deserved to be loved. Someone would hold him close and make him smile. Someone could laugh with him and kiss the corners of his mouth. Whoever loves Sionah, wherever he may be, Jawska was sure he’d treat Sionah well. This troll would know the secrets that the universe had kept hidden from Jawska. And this troll would make Sionah happy in a way Jawska couldn’t. 

Sure, Sionah loved him as a friend, saw him, cared about him. But somehow, it left Jawska feeling lonelier than before.