#burst ibto tears and furiously apologise which in itswlf is so narcissistic of me to .emm
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#i try not to do this very often and ive actually been really good for a few months but in terms of my mental health today has been one of#the worst days of my life and i have absolutely no idea why and my swlf worth has somehow gone through the floor and i just feel like im#the most horrendous human in this planet and i look in the mirror and i want to be sick bevause i hate everything about how i look and how#other people see me and how strangely proportioned i am and hpw fucking disgusting my face is and then i think about the peopke i love and#i thi k about every single way in which im a burden to their life and feelike i have to constantly check that tge people i love arent angry#at me and they dont hate me and that they actually love me but theb im terrified that if i keep asking them theyre going to snap and turn#around and tell me how sick of me they are and my heart is constantly saying theyre going to leave you they never liked ypu to start off#with and i cant wven ask tgem if its true because the rational side of my brain is saying of course its not true whhy would anyone waste#their time with someone they dont care aboit but then i just genuinely camnot believe that anyone would have the capability to put up with#someone like me i just genuinely cant believe it because i cant think of one single thing about myself that is reedeeming from#literally being unable to do amything except eat and lie in bed and ive been at my boyfriend's house for a few weeks now amd i think when#hes at wprk amd i have the time to myself i thibk much more about who i am and i hate wvery part of it#i cant stand being alone with myself because even though i knkw im not really a bar person per se i cant bear who i am as a human and i#dont know how to change it and i wish i was capable of being on my own because even if i thought that someone i love is sick of me i could#argue that ill be alright but i wont be because im completely dependant on the love from other people to determine my self worth like i am#i was going to say completely worthless but i dont want tk say that#im just so scared of being alone and im scared that im ostracising myself from my family because i dont knoe how to maintain relationships#and i feel like im never goign to find someone who loves me unconditionally but then i think about how i dont deserve for anyone to lovd me#unconditionally bevahse all i am is a dissapointment and an annoyance socially beacaue if i feel like ive done anythi g wrong i basically#burst ibto tears and furiously apologise which in itswlf is so narcissistic of me to .emm#make the thungs that ive done wrong about myself by crying its not fair to everyone else that they have to comfprt me after my mistakes but#im so cripplingly terrified that the next thing i do wrong is going tk be the thibg that makes them not love me anymore and i dknt know wha#to do aside from stop making mistakes but somehow its impossible for me to stop bevause im a huge idiot and all i ever do is say things tha#will hurt peopke and thats all ive ever been able to do my whole life and even if i do something kind its entirely selfish because i just d#it to try and convince myself that i am actually a good person and even if i were to genuinely be abgood person im stilk insufferable to be#around but i feel like every time that someone looks at me funny or acts despondent like ive annoyed them im petrified that that was#the straw that broke the camels back like im so scared all the time that i just keep crying bevauae im sorry for what ive done vefore ive#even done it and i have more to say but i dont have any more ways of putting it but essentially i cant fucjing stand myself and i can only#think about how everyone would be much easier and much better off if i were not around#im sorry for this long thing
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