#bumpintheboob

[bumpintheboob]

just a bump in the boob?

It’s been a while since I last posted. The past six years have been full of change, except on the cancer front (which is a good thing). I went through follow up exams every three months, then six, and finally, annual appointments. Mammograms, ultrasounds, and MRIs have been intermixed to evaluate my still-dense breast (I typed “s” at the end then deleted). Normal. Normal. Normal. Test after test. 

I stopped getting regular MRIs because my medical oncologist was concerned with reports that the gadolinium-based contrast potentially causes memory issues. As I was already having chemotherapy-induced and chemopause-induced cognitive dysfunction, we felt more comfortable cutting back on the MRIs. 

The last time I had an MRI, I think it was to check out something I detected related to my left implant. Everything came back normal. During my most recent follow up, I mentioned how I still feel something scraping, pulling, and sometimes “zinging” behind my left implant. Since I was only in Phoenix for a short period of time, my med onc gave me an order for an MRI, which I would get when I got back home.

I’m working back at the cancer center in Northern Indiana where I originally trained 10+ years ago. My office is literally above imaging, the MRI to be exact. I hear it beeping throughout the day and I swear the magnets in the machine mess with my computers and mouse. I scheduled the appointment, which was in the evening on September 20th. I had time to run home, take care of Chloe, record a podcast episode (oh, yeah, it’s been a while. I co-host a podcast, and yes, it’s about cancer), then drive 5 minutes to the hospital and undergo the MRI. Before I left, the tech asked where I had previously received my imaging so they had something to compare. 

It seemed to take forever for me to get my results. I’m used to the rapid results I would get when I was at the cancer center in Arizona. I sent a message through the patient portal, asking if they had received the results. I started to get nervous and scanxiety set in. 

On September 26th, I recorded a new podcast episode. Tina (my co-host) interviewed me for our breast cancer awareness month episodes. I told parts of my story and she asked some really good questions. Sometime while we were recording, I got a message from a nurse at the Arizona hospital to call her back for my MRI results. I thought that was strange, that she didn’t leave the result on my voicemail, but it’s not my voice on the message, so maybe it was for HIPAA reasons. I called back and left a message for someone to call me. I drove over to my friend, Anne’s house, to drop something off and I and mentioned how I hadn’t heard anything yet about the MRI results. I decided to call right then and, over speakerphone, got ahold of the nurse.

I don’t know exactly how she told me, but the nurse said something about wanting to get an ultrasound and biopsy of something in my right breast. My right breast. My native breast. My “normal” breast. I panicked. They’ll send an order for my imaging and biopsy to the cancer center here. I lost it. This isn’t possible. I’m on tamoxifen. I was told I didn’t need to continue it beyond five years and I chose to stay on it for a total of ten. I’m on tamoxifen. I tried to talk myself down. “At least it’s in the breast and not the bone right?” I laughed. The nurse didn’t. Anne drove me home in my car because I was not in a good state of mind.

I’ve been frantically checking my portal for a message that the order has been placed. I’ve sent a couple of messages to my Arizona team. It seems like weeks but it’s only been two days. I’ve gone through every scenario as to what this could be. When I was first in treatment, two spots were noted in my right breast and they were able to biopsy one (the other "vanished” when they attempted an MRI-guided biopsy) and it was a fibroadenoma. An actual fibroadenoma, not the adenocarcinoma that pretended to be a fibroadenoma in my left breast. That’s what they are seeing (I look up what enhances on a breast MRI, yes, could be a fibroadenoma), it’s a fibroadenoma. Or it’s cancer. Maybe it’s not hormone receptor positive like my former tumor, maybe it’s hormone receptor negative which would be why the tamoxifen didn’t affect it. Maybe it’s hormone negative and HER-2 receptor positive. I ran through all of the potential treatment options. Where would I get treatment? Do I go back to Oregon or to my team in Arizona? Or treat here in Indiana, where I have many friends but am so far from family.

(I just opened another tab to log in to my portal to check for messages. The fourth or fifth time today).

And so I wait, and try not to let my mind go to dark and scary places. But it does. And I talk my way back. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be normal. It’s just a little bump in the boob.

[bumpintheboob]

That’s me, sitting around waiting for my annual exam, only 9 months overdue. Important to get checked out regularly now that I’m taking Tamoxifen. Chose a GYN who turned out to be such a great doctor, super easy to talk to, and her office is not too far from my house.

She caught something on my breast exam, the right, “native” one. I didn’t recall any lumps or bumps in that area, and the site of my previous biopsy was much higher up. She wrote an order for a mammo and ultrasound. I figured I’d get the imaging at work and left a message with scheduling on my drive home. Then I panicked and called my Care Managers, who encouraged me to get scheduled for tomorrow.

I freaked out on the phone and started to cry. This is why I wanted the bilateral mastectomy, so I wouldn’t have these “holy crap is this cancer again” moments. I talked myself out of it because I felt like it was too extreme. I mean, I knew the evidence and lack of survival benefit but now I regretted my decision.

I got home and figured I’d float in the pool to calm down. Scheduling called back and were working on getting my appointment tomorrow but a there was a block on appointment times. Strange, but not strange once I realized the imaging department was getting rid of the old mammo and getting a new 3D machine. If I wanted the imaging done at work I’d have to drive back to work (during rush hour) to get it done today.

My husband offered to drive me (HOV lane!) and we got to the hospital much faster than I anticipated (HOV laaaane!!). I started to tear up when I realized everyone stayed late, waiting for me to arrive. Mammo first, followed by ultrasound. Then the radiologist came in the room and reassured me it was just a cyst. A benign cyst. Huge relief!

Next week is my 3 month follow up with my medical oncology team. Hoping it’s less eventful.

[bumpintheboob]

Power port before and after. No soaking (read: swimming) for 2 weeks. The steristrips will fall off on their own. One more step towards feeling more "normal." I'll never go back to feeling like my old self, but that's okay. This is the new me, the post-cancer me. My hair grows, my scars fade, life goes on. Looking forward to that first swim in my pool.

[bumpintheboob]

Two months since #mastectomy: Foob, scars, vocal cord paresis. Discuss.

[bumpintheboob]

Two-faced #nomakeup #cancerstyle: me in 2012 and today. I’ve been browsing my old photos a lot lately, trying to remember what I look like. Funny how I used to look at myself and be so critical and now when I see those older pics, I think, wow, I was pretty. I just didn’t see it at the time. I’m not one to fish for compliments, I just think it’s sad I don’t always appreciate who I am in the moment. And I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that.

I’ve grown attached to my bald head, although it’s nice to see hair growing back. My eyelashes I missed the most, I think. Last night we went to our friends for game night and I put on eyeliner for the first time in months. So much easier to wear eyeliner with those lashes keeping the makeup on the lid, not in the eye itself! I used to be a wash and wear girl, low maintenance, off to work with a bit of coverup and powder. Since starting chemo, my morning routine changed, with more time spent on drawing eyebrows and wrapping my head in a scarf. Thank goodness for my Buffs, they make headwear that is easy to put on and take off, breathable, lightweight. Hot flash? Rip it off. Time to see a patient? Simple to put back on without a mirror.

Tomorrow I return to work. I’m scheduled to work half days, which is a huge relief because I tire so easily. I’m obsessing over my lab results: why were they so much better in the hospital than they are now, three weeks later? Is that why I’m so tired? Because my liver enzymes were elevated, I stopped using one of my allergy over-the-counter meds. No clue if that is what caused the abnormal results, but I’m so cautious of anything that will affect my liver function, now that I started tamoxifen. 

Oh yeah, I started tamoxifen. Last night I took my first dose. I couldn’t decide if I should take it during the day or at bedtime and chose bedtime because 1) for the most part, I go to bed at the same time every night, 2) I take the fewest pills/supplements at night, and 3) if I have any immediate side effects, I will sleep through at least 7 hours of them. I slept well last night. That’s a good start.

[bumpintheboob]

#chemo #sideeffect Fingernails almost 2 months post chemo, the peeling started in the middle of the nails. Thumbs are the worst. I painted glitter polish on my nails during treatment and then had to remove it before surgery! I don't typically see patients during this post-surgery recovery time, so a lot of this is a mystery to me. 

Yesterday, I met with the surgical oncologist. I'm still on weight and range of motion restrictions, but otherwise, everything else looks good. I wake up with all of the energy in the world and then crash around 2 PM. My husband and mom constantly remind me to conserve my energy. 

After my appointments yesterday, we stopped at Target where I picked up new bras. The plastic surgeon told me not to wear underwires right now. Before my diagnosis, I ripped out most of the wires; I find them annoying and unnecessary for my size. I picked up some seamless, tank style bras that feel very soft. Just like during chemo, I only want to be surrounded by soft things. 

On the not-so-soft-side, at REI I bought a Foot Rubz foot massager. I thought it might help with increasing circulation in my feet. My feet always feel better after a foot rub. The neuropathy isn't that bad during the day, it's in the evening and at night when I most notice it. I take a low dose of gabapentin (more for night sweats than neuropathy, but maybe it helps) and apply Topricin to my feet. The sudden electric jolts are the most bothersome; they start in the evening after supper and continue until I fall asleep. They are a constant reminder of that awful, shearing bone pain from my last cycles of chemo. So glad that part of my treatment is behind me.

[bumpintheboob]

My last chemo was January 16th and I am starting to feel a bit more normal. Reality hit when I scheduled my surgery. I was pretty upset, then a friend suggested I throw a going away party. Saturday we threw a Bye Bye Boobie pre-mastectomy party, with nipple cupcakes and a rather buxom cake (gluten free)!

My surgery was Monday morning; my mom and husband came with me. Sunday night I had to wipe my self down with chlorohexidine to reduce the risk of infection. I also couldn’t take my meds that help with my hot flashes and neuropathy. Quite the rough night sleep.

We arrived right before 6:30 for my radioactive tracer injection. I signed a bunch of consents and the surgeons and anesthesiologist came to see me. Then I woke up super groggy and rather nauseous. Slept most of the rest of the day and now I’m wide awake at 4:15AM! Nausea has worn off and I feel a dull ache on my left side. Looking forward to breakfast, although I have a feeling it won’t be anything too exciting, only because I don’t need to make myself ill.

[bumpintheboob]

A couple of shirts friends had made for me. 2D6 cracks me up. That's the isoenzyme that metabolizes Tamoxifen, which I eventually will be taking.

[bumpintheboob]

2014 went out with a crash. Here's to a healthy, happy and safe 2015.

[bumpintheboob]

I have a new perspective as to how side effects truly affect quality of life. Can't sleep, dress myself, go to the bathroom with ease. I've looked at most of my side effects in a sort of detached, clinical way. But now it's gotten personal. Bone pain resolved, now I have joint pain. Tendonitis, actually, (hopefully) unrelated to my cancer or treatment. My shoulder is very, very angry right now. Hoping to get that managed before the taxane bone pain returns. If it returns...Hey, on a positive note, no rash!

[bumpintheboob]

UPDATE: DEXA scan showed normal bone density. I'll start on a low dose calcium supplement; my favorite is Thorne Cal/Mag powder. Easy to adjust dosage, no giant tablets to swallow.

[bumpintheboob]

Got my first DEXA scan today. Should know results in a couple of days.

[bumpintheboob]

Jars and jars of bone mineral broth, made from the leftover organic Thanksgiving turkey and loads of veggies.

[bumpintheboob]

Oh, Taxol, I do not care for yew. Neuropathy, joint pain, at least the scalding rash on my hands and feet improved.

[bumpintheboob]

My friend, Anya, visited me this weekend and joins me on today's video. After we finished filming, I watched the video and caught a "blooper!" See if you can find it.

I'm experiencing a pretty uncomfortable side effect from the new chemo (paclitaxel or Taxol). Will be updating throughout the week on that. Oh, and about an hour ago I started feeling achy in my hips and legs. Taxol? Neulasta? I don't know, but I took an ibuprofen. Sigh...

[bumpintheboob]

#chemotip Hold tongue on roof of mouth during port flush if the taste gets to you. Also, eating a mint masks the saline taste.