#btw. dont get me wrong i like hs (sorry this is my coming out post technically)

[boy-armageddon]

should i post more about untitled bug story chat. i would love to but i never make art of them much and i do Not want homestuck comparisons (as they are also an alien species inspired by arthropods that have horns but are otherwise VERY different)

[juunshua]

No pls I love rants on music, especially vocal techniques (had a couple of classes, quit because of life in general, most of my expertise is on the piano side anyway), and would really, seriously love to hear your thoughts on the members vocals (although I do understand that this is time consuming to do) just wanted to say that there's no need to apologise for ranting, we all wanna hear you speak anyways :)

sorry this took forever to respond to! akdjf youve went to more vocal technique classes than i have so maybe you might know more than me ahaha! tbh i really want to formally learn vocal pedagogy so i know what im listening for and what im not. like having that professional opinion alongside telling me ‘ur wrong’ or ‘ur right’ i really want that so i can solidify my learning in a sense…ive been doing that kind of through youtube videos and stuff but still idk. omg ur a pianist? please i love you automatically now so idk why but i’ll probably just summarize in units? and like maybe short comments about each member or more than one member or something idk. under a readmore bc it got longwarning: i am no way, shape and or form a professional. 

hht: im going to start with hht…tbh i have another name for hht haha its called ‘baritone team’ alsdkjf isnt it a coincidence (not really) that all of svts baritones ended up in hht…thus is the fate of most baritones in kpop sadly :( they either get pushed to subvocal or to the rapper position even if its not what they want initially bc of their like natural (basically) biological disposition of not being able to hit, with the same kind of ease, high notes that tenors can…like tbh tenors cant hit those notes ½ the time either but its less obvious bc theyre tenors…that made no sense lasdj…in relating to current events though heres a classic example of baritone (vn) vs tenor (sk) singing in basically the same high note range but vn has to go into falsetto while sk is trying to mix up there…both of them arent really singing it well (laskdj fmaybe sk is a bad example bc he has a good approach to his voice…but like nonetheless that isnt a healthy sounding note from either of them) but its less obvious with sk bc hes a tenor and more obvious with vn (well maybe the falsetto vs mix also had to do with it but like idk a bari who would want to mix that high ljldkajf). anyways in terms of technique, no one in hht team particularly stands out. All of them tend to either sing with their throat or sing with lots of air in their voice, which isn’t particularly healthy but also to be expected from rappers. tbh rappers i find tend to be more throaty, i think why in this group they also are airy is because of wz lol and his vocal directing. within the entire group though (like not just hht), ww has my fav vocal color and i tend to think from within hht, he has the most potential to become a decent vocalist. its mostly (like 95%) because of his continual expressed desire in singing (it makes me think that when he does actually get proper vocal lessons he would take them very seriously and be very disciplined about it and tbh that just goes above everything else) but also because of that one performance of city escape (here) ? and it sounds really pretty and the range that he’s singing in that song is starting to be in the higher part of a baritones register too. and in some of his other vocal performances too, whenever he is in the range where he doesn’t have to mix, his approach to his voice really isnt bad at all. i say he has the most potential but that doesnt mean the other hht members cant become awesome vocalists they can if they put the right time and effort into it. pt:the rest of the units are composed of all tenors (at least from what i know) btw so yeah all of pt are tenors. again in terms of technique no one particularly stands out. they all seem to approach singing similarly but with putting emphasis on different things which makes them sound different….actually upon closer inspection most of the members of the entire group (not just pt) are like that laksjdl….well maybe with the exception of sk. anywho…jh pushes air a lot which is why you get those like ‘hiccups’?? idk how else to describe it but an example is here. like do u hear how his voice rises at the end of a lot of those notes? hs also gets those same hiccups. jh is also quite nasal, and probably the most nasally member within the 13 members when it comes to singing. nasally voices are my number one pet peeve rip thats why my fav jh singing moments is when hes singing in his comfortable range and esp when its words/syllables that force him to place his voice not so much in his nose (ie this part in my i). being nasal is not really as damaging for the vocal chords as much as it is the individual not really placing the voice in the correct, most optimal place. he also gets really tight on higher notes esp when hes trying to mix that high. same with hs (you can hear the both of them sounding tight in the habit perf i linked to earlier). also jh has tongue tension but im not sure if thats a reflection of him trying to sing in kr…him and hao are probably at a disadvantage when it comes to singing because of the fact that they aren’t singing in a language that theyre comfortable in/fluent in. when it comes to hao, when he said in the seasons greetings video that he was working on singing but no matter how much he practiced, he couldnt improve, that made me really sad :( because that basically means is that the vocal lessons he is getting arent actually good vocal lessons…unless he expects results to happen in a week (which sadly no it takes months upon months). ur vocal chords are a muscle so they take time to develop (like when u first go to the gym u arent going to try and lift the heaviest weight right? or run at the fastest speed or whatever u have to build urself up to that slowly). and then he also compared that to his dancing which he said he could get better at by doing over and over? but its the same when it comes to dancing like u cant be improving dancing if u learn the wrong choreo or the wrong ways to dance a specific type of dance right? like no matter how much u practice a wrong choreo its still going to be that wrong choreo…so if u sing with bad technique no matter how much u practice u arent going to get better u’ll just develop bad technique. but yeah singing with correct technique should yield some results eventually (i can attest to that). anyways im biased and i really want to hear hs get proper vocal lessons bc i find his vocal color sooo pretty i literally listen to campfire like 90%for his part in the chorus (and the other 10% is cheols rap aldjsf)….i also think he hovers around being able to support or maybe its my biased ears talking who knwos… i didnt really talk about dn but hes kind of along the same lines…maybe a bit more dependent on his throat than some of the other members in pt…which kind of makes sense bc thats what rappers tend to dovt: ok js and wz are both similar in how they approach singing i think its kind of obvious too with how much they sound alike at times. oh yeah wz probably has the highest vocal range within the group idt anyone in the group can go higher than him (not that it really matters when it comes to vocal technique but its a neat tidbit of info). jh for one has a lot of tongue tension (just like jn) when he sings and is kinda nasal (not as much as jn but still there). just like the rest of the other members in the other units, these three dont support either. we can finally talk about support when we talk about sm…although his supported range isnt too much he does have that basic down…he gets super throaty though when hes outside his supported range. he does that same hiccup thing that hs/jn do. he hasn’t shown the ability to resonate but at least he can support.  despite singing a lot of the groups high notes, he hasnt developed a connected head voice, as far as im aware of. technique wise hes really similar to a lot of the main vocalists in groups that debut these days. but ok NOW SK aka the member who has the best vocal technique. he supports consistently and he has resonance too its so beautiful and wonderful to listen to like esp since a lot of kpop group vocalists that debut these days for some reason dont really want to resonate. its so nice to listen to his voice. like hes fooling around here but still manages (what i think is) a resonant F#4? (not the high note he holds out, its like the note he sings before he slides up) and if that note isnt resonant then it is at the very least supported very very very nicely. heres a really pretty g4. tbh i really want to hear him start trying to conquer the fourth octave like what a good day itd be if i could say ‘yeah sk can sing up to b4s with good technique’ like thats kind of hard to do but definitely attainable! and he has the potential for sure! i think within the fandom hes really quite overlooked for some odd reason that i cant seem to figure out why. he definitely has the healthiest voice, at least his mixed register for sure. he seems to prefer mixing over head voice for whatever reason when it comes to high notes so honestly speaking i havent paid much attention to his head voice but i wouldnt be surprised if it wasnt connected considering how much he doesnt sing in it…but tbh the fact that he mixes pretty decently is amazing in it of itself. CONCLUSION: with proper vocal guidance and technique ANYONE can become a decent singer. 

[pokefanbri]

https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!

Some comments of the post:

"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."

"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"

"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"

I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.

Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒

Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.

I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.

I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.

For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?

Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.

U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.

I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.

Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet

Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.

Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.

You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.

The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔

Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie

[raemots]

14 February 2020

Well well well look who’s back at her tumblr diary. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing because the last time I started this diary was when I was 21, about to go through a pretty serious break up, starting to get out of a pretty serious depression, going through a solid 7 months of being a glorified alcoholic, and then graduating college. You could say there was a lot going on.

First off, I just read my previous most from nearly FIVE YEARS AGO!!! And the frightening thing was.... not a lot has changed. I still kinda feel the same way it sounds like I did in that post. A lot of my friends here in Syracuse are also really busy and have a lot going on and are too busy for me. I don’t really feel as bad about it now as I used to be because we’re all adults now going through adult stuff and it’s hard to make time for people.

I should do a little summary as it’s been a minute. So since I last posted on here, I graduated college (!!!) and then started studying for the CPA exam for the better part of 2 years but I finally got it done. Brodie and I got an apartment together and spent a year there having a FUCKING BLAST until he unfortunately lost his job in Cuse and moved down to DC. After B left, our friend Tristan took over his lease which ended up being fate or destiny or whatever because he ended up meeting my friend Liz from HS and those two crazy kids hit it off and almost 3 years later they’re engaged!! Life man. About 1 year and a half after Tristan moved in, we both moved out of the legendary apartment 4K to get our own places. Since then I’ve had a cute little studio apartment downtown. I also ended up getting a cat who I found in the parking garage across the street from my place. I started my job at a local accounting firm the December after graduating college and have now been with them for over 4 years and I still love it. The work is tiring and never ending but the people keep me going. My bosses continue to be awesome badass women and I really like it.

As for love life, boys have come and gone. There was a run in with Brian #1 that ended up with me finding out he had a girlfriend after we slept together and me pouring a drink on his head in a public place. Its probably the most bad ass thing I’ve done. There was also Brian #2 who I think was the closest I’ve come to actually dating someone and I’ve blocked a lot of that out of my memory because he basically ghosted me to get back with his ex and then 6 months later I found out he gave me chlamydia. I’m just starting to realize that both of those guys have left me with some trust issues that I’m trying to get over. There’s been hook ups here and there but those are the main two to know about. Stay away from brians.

Well my dear ex mike and I did stay friends for a while until he met his new fiance K (I dont want to include her name here as I dont know her and have nothing against her). Mike basically stopped talking to me after he and K started dating. Then I Iowkey crashed Johanna’s wedding with Terry (Terry and Jo got married btw!!!!!) where Mike was forced to say I couldnt crash with him and Mike and keenan bc MIKE AND K ARE ENGAGED!!!! which is the story of how johannah had to deal with mike and my 5 year old relationship baggage the night before her wedding. But the weekend made me realize how fucking condescending Mike can be. So I made it so he doesnt show up in my social media feed and its been a lot better for me but still messed me up a bit.

Other random highlights are going to france with geneseo alumni (fucking AWESOME!!! and WES WAS THERE!!!) oh and I went to ireland the summer after graduation!!! again!! fucking awesome!!

Well that p much gets us to today. Today is valentines day. Well technically there’s 13 minutes left. I go through phases where I feel perfectly content with my life. I like living by myself, just me and bean. living downtown and going out to grab drinks with friends. the occasional late summer night where you close the bars and grab pizza and stay at a friends apartment until 4am.  Then there are times where I just feel so dreadfully alone. I feel like the only people who understand me live hours away (brodie, erin, jen, amanda). journal, I’m going to six weddings next year. S I X. and 5 of them are people my age. I never expected to marry thing young, let alone meet ~the one~ but when this many of your friends are either dating or engaged or living together, you start to feel like there;s something wrong with you. celeste often gives me shit for lamenting about how single i am and puts herself in the same boat. But she had guys FALLING OVERTHEMSELVES for her. like i just thought of 4 or 5 in the brief 10 seconds i sat here. Even n**l is so obsessed with her that he ruined their friendship bc she kissed a random guy on NYE (full disclosure, he’s trash and sexist and we dont like him this isnt me being jealous) it is just me pointing out that she tends to always be the one being pursued. and I am the faithful hype man. giving her advice on what to say to them. If her outfit looks good. if she should go over. Celeste does all the same help for me, don;t get me wrong. but it usually ends up working out for her and she’ll get a date or two out of it. i rarely even get a text back. It really put it into perspective when she was livid that a guy wouldnt respond to her in a timely manner. Meanwhile Im here like “wait.... you get texts back?? regularly?!?!?!?! jesus fuckign christ whats THAT like”

Am i that much of a sadsack, journal? brodie says its because im very independent and strong and i give off this “i dont fuckin need you” vibe. which is cool if im lucy liu or angelina jolie however i do not look like the sex symbols that are those iconic women. don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely figure, especially after going to the gym. But I just don’t really think many/any men would see me as so hot that they’d talk to me despite being intimidating. Idk, maybe I’m feeling too sorry fro myself. Jesus it’s 20 fucking 20 and I’m still feeling lesser than and comparing myself to Celeste. It’s not just her, I’ve always felt iike the sidekick. alexis, andrea, mollie, tori, celeste, jen. They were always the pretty, likeable, charismatic one. I’ve always felt like the funny friend who hypes up the main characters storyline. I’m the Judy fucking Greer of life. 

I just need to commit and make a therapy appointment. I’ll email one tomorrow. It’s been my main 2020 goal and fuckin A im gonna make it happen. its been a long one but a good one. hey it just turned midnight, its no longer valentines day. thank fuckin god.