#btw tim gives jason a scrapbook of every picture he has of various batfam members eating shit on patrol as a wedding present

[queenofthequillandink]

Batman's been insufferabe for the last week.

Like, Tim wants Jason back, now that he actually apologized for the attempted murder thing, but Bruce has been...intense. Like the Not Eating or Sleeping, Not Letting Anyone Else Take Care of Themselves Either kind of intense.

Dick is nearly beside himself, but is run so ragged he doesn't even have the energy to be distraught. Damian is clearly only still up and running due to sheer, stubborn refusal to go down. Cass keeps nearly nodding off while walking. Steph and Duke passed out in the medbay three hours ago, where Alfred's been hovering with growing disapproval since day two. Tim is the only one who's doing relatively okay because he's used to working through the sleep deprivation hallucinations.

And yeah, Tim's worried. You tend to be when your brother disappears from a summoning that includes words like "bride" and "sacrifice" in the same sentence. But here's the thing: back when Tim and Jason weren't on the best of terms on the Batfam, they had their own Super Secret Replaced Robins Club. By which Tim means they had cool tech that only connected to each other, which they kept after reintegrating with the Bats because one more set of secret backup is never bad.

Jason's SSRRC tech all indicates that he's fine. Communications either aren't getting through or they're being ignored, but his beacon is on and reading Jason's vitals just fine. His heartbeat's barely gone above resting the entire time he's been gone and when it has, it's been at fairly regular intervals and equivalent to him working out.

Since Jason having a fully functional communicator that he simply refuses to answer is completely in character for him, Tim's assuming he's just being a bitch. Or physically fine and biding his time for his own escape.

All of this is to say that when a glowing green tear rips itself into existence in the Batcave, Tim is wary, but half expecting Jason to walk out covered in ghost blood or something. His heartrate's up slightly, so he might have been escaping.

Instead, what looks like a perfectly normal cream-colored envelope drops out and the rip seals itself up seamlessly.

"Ransom note?" Cass asks, swaying.

"It could be tampered with, no one-" Bruce growls. Silly Bruce, if you wanted Dick to have any self control, you should have made him take a nap some time in the last two days.

Dick's already tearing the envelope open, reading aloud almost as an afterthought.

"'You are-' What? It says, 'You are cordially invited,' but 'cordially' is crossed out and it says 'reluctantly, because I know none of you will be normal about this' in... in Jay's handwriting." Dick's breathing hitches.

Bruce is already moving, but Tim is closer and fueled by eight cups of coffee and the growing suspicion that Jason is fucking with them. The invitation is in his hands and he's retreating around the Batcave, dodging an irate Batman as he reads from the beginning.

"'You are reluctantly, because I know none of you will be normal about this, invited to witness the marriage of Jason Peter Todd-Wayne, sometimes called The Red Hood, Defender of Crime Alley, Avenger of the People-'" Tim snorts at that one. Oh yeah, that's Jason's inner drama bitch all over. "Member of the Dead Robins Club-'"

Bruce looks pained, which like. Fair. Steph, stumbling out of the medbay raises one tired fist and says, "Holla," completely tonelessly.

"'Member of the Super Secret Replaced Robins Club-'" Tim mimicks Steph's fist pump. "Also holla. 'Former Outlaw and Titan to King Daniel 'Danny' James Fenton-Phantom, High King of the Infinite Realms, Defender of Amity Park, Keeper of the Tear Between Realms,' oooooo, ominous, 'Bridge between Human and Spirit,' yadda yadda, this guy has a lot of titles. Uh, scanning to the end..."

"Give me the paper, Tim."

Tim dodges Bruce again. "Blah blah blah, 'This is not written under duress, B get that stupid constipated look off your face,' he drops a bunch of all-clear codes... Oh! Here it is. Uh, the wedding's tomorrow at dusk in King Phantom's castle. It says transportation will be provided and then Jason's written, 'Wear normal people clothes or so help me God, I will burn the Manor to the ground and I'm only saving Alfie and the good cookie sheets.'"

Alfred looks touched. Tim is offended that he's apparently left to fend for himself in the burning Manor. Rude.

"We're not going."

Dick walks up to Bruce before anyone else can react, squishing his face between two hands and leaning in way too close. Tim subtly starts recording on his phone.

"Old man," Dick begins quietly with a brilliant, unhinged smile on his face. Bruce winces at Jason's nickname for him. "If you prevent me from going to my baby brother's wedding, Jason won't even have to light the match."

Tim stops recording because he's too busy falling off his chair laughing. But he did get Bruce's stupid face when Dick said it, so he figures Jason won't mind.

So one of those batfam interferes with a cult ritual where the cult is offering/sacrificing a bride to the King of the Dead to gain his favor but something happens and a batkid ends up in the ritual circle instead stories BUT make it funny

BATFAM AFTER A TIRELESS WEEK OF FIGURING OUT HOW TO GET JASON (Jason? idk we'll go with Jason for this blub) BACK

THE ROOM FLOODS WITH LIGHT AND JASON IS REVEALED IN THE CIRCLE

Jason: ah! What the hell guys?!

Nightwing: we brought you home- what are you wearing

Jason, in beach clothes holding a ectoplasm icee in one hand and his sunglasses in the other while being noticeably tanner and with a giant gemstone ring on his finger: clothes. Why the hell did you guys bring me back?! I was enjoying my vacation

Robin: vacation? You were abducted by a supernatural force for the purposes of a forced marriage to a monstrous entity.

Red Robin: who was it by the way? Hades? Satan?

Jason: Danny.

Jason: *takes loud sip of icee*

Jason: my fiancé's name is Danny but his "ruling name" or whatever is High King Phantom. He's the ghost king.

Batman: that is a more obscure diety than we expected. Did you discover how to break the marriage contract?

Jason: break the marriage contract? Why would I want to do that?!

Robin: because you were abducted.

Jason: yeah but then he cured my pit rage and he's a absolute sweetheart and funny. Now send me back. This is why none of you were invited to my bachelor party which you so rudely kidnapped me from

Batman: no.

Jason: no? Im getting married in two days and none of you are blowing this for me. Send me back or I wont give you any favors once I become queen or consort or whatever I'll be. Let me live out my shitty romance novel dreams