#btw they haven't lost their humanity or anything

[sockatoothewafflebird]

THE AMAZING DIGITAL FALLOUT

i've kind of left this au dry. sorry about that 😓

i haven't drawn or written for it in weeks and i've kind of lost motivation for it, but i wanna post the stuff i finished anyway and i know some of you only follow me for tadc stuff 💀 so here ya go! once again my deepest apologies for abandoning this. i may come back to it in the future though, who knows!

this post is a work-in-progress, btw. i'll add things every day until i've put everything i need to here.

CHARACTERS (WIP)

STORY

Fifty years ago, a decade-long war turned nuclear, and now the world is in shambles. Just before everything went to shit, though... two brothers, wealthy businessmen with a passion for science, came up with an idea. They would build huge bunkers to preserve humanity, while figuring out ways to fight off any damage done by the war.

Then, when the bombs and chemicals started dropping, they opened the gates to their vaults too late. Their plan to preserve humanity only technically worked. The radiation and chemical damage had already been done, and now people were being born with unusually and fascinatingly cartoonish features.

Those in the vaults didn't become too crazy. But those left outside became increasingly mutated, to the point where rabbit-people and people made of what seemed to be wood (just two examples of many) were being born left and right.

The two beothers gree further apart, their goals and beliefs vastly different and the cracks in society forming along with the cracks in their brotherhood. Eventually, one of them left in pursuit of his own dreams. He started an organization he calls "The Circus," much to his brother's dismay.

Present day, Pomni is working under Able as a head scientist when Vault #004 is raided and ambushed by The Circus and a mob of abstracted folk. And her whole world is turned on its head.

--

LINKS

the fic on AO3 (i probably won't add anything to it other than maybe an overview of the plot)

DANGER sign (and zooble)

--

if you have any questions about anything specific lemme know and i'll try my best to answer. i'll add links to any of that important stuff here when it comes up so no one's left out.

[visualnovellover]

Ok, so after much digging and sleeping through days, I finally managed to find an appropriate save for this event! And it was only thanks to the fact that I remembered that my PC was pregnant with IW's human(ish) baby at the time (a daughter named Saoirse btw, who has white hair and ghostly skin colour, just like her daddy).

First, here's what happens when you sell IW's pale children. The more children you sell, the more obsession you get.

Now, on to the fell mist event! In this save, IW lost its necklace to the diving team from the archaeological site, and my PC has sold some of IW's pale parasitic children to Dr Harper. She's also currently pregnant with Saoirse here, which is why IW calls her Lifebearer. (It also called her Mutineer at one point, probably because she was a mate on the pirate ship, but refused to sell the Golden Spear to Zephyr. It also called her Oathbreaker, I'm guessing because she sold some of its pale kids?)

The fact that IW says "our children" always makes me so weak. That acknowledgment that you're both parents to its children <3

As you can see from the blue text, my PC lost her handholding virginity to the IW! Afaik, I believe that this is the only way to lose your handholding virginity to the IW, which makes it possible to lose ALL you virginities to it.

I love the fact that when you give in willingly to the IW, it says "onward we fly", instead of "onward I fly". You're a team here, working together to rescue your children!

IW is so protective of PC here! It always says this at the start of this fight against the two guards (if you haven't stolen its necklace ofc).

The brawling skills are from the DoL+ mod btw. I love its huge improvements to the combat system (finally a reason to have anything smaller than a large body!) and honestly would never go back to the base game, the QoL improvements are just too good.

I'm so glad you get this chance to rescue the pale babies you sold to Harper! Makes me feel marginally less guilty for selling them.

And that's the event! I love how much softer IW is when you haven't personally stolen its necklace. It also feels like you're working together as parents rescuing your babies when you've sold some to Harper. It's totally worth not getting paid for selling the Ivory Necklace, just to have soft IW.

AAAAAAAAA TYSMMMMMMM!!!!!! ALSO SAOIRSE IS A CUTE AND CREATIVE NAME!!!! (gonna try my hardest to think of a creative name for the twins once my pc gives birth)

After reading I'm now open to the option of selling my pale babies to that bastard Harper, I didn't even knew you can save them in the compound!! Oh what an absolute relief

also the fact that you can actually lose all your virginity to IW is gonna make my new pc's life hell HAHA! i agree with soft IW! but minus the ear slimes lol

again thank you so so so much again for providing screenshots!!!

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Stucky corruption kink 🤤

related to this (I think, lol)

(You'll like this fanart, btw, if you haven't already seen it, lol)

If we're relating this ask back to that other one as I imagine you meant to, then I can so picture Bucky wanting to make up for the time they lost. Tender and intense. He feels a little cheated by time and what they could've had if only they'd gotten their heads out of their asses faster. If their lives had gone different. Obviously, he's more than thrilled by how his life has ended up, bringing him back to his Stevie. That's more than enough, but... at the same time, curiosity is hard to satisfy.

What might they have had if they ended up being honest with their wanting before the war? What might've it been like if Steve had actually been as shy about sex as Bucky had thought he'd be? What might have unfurled if they were sneaking around and hooking up before Steve started working to unwind some of the shame of being queer and having explicit needs, those feelings pressed violently into him by society?Like, fuck yeah, Steve blushes and he can get so worked up over the thought of something he wants that he stutters and gets his tongue tied, but it's not simple shyness these days. It's not manners programmed into him still even all these years later. Really, it's that pretty Irish complexion and that mind that whirls faster than than his mouth can keep up with, sometimes leaving his fantasies unfolding in his mind's eye while his body sits back and lets it boil over, seemingly zoning out, day-dreaming vividly of sex. But, again, it's not shyness. Pity for Bucky.

Lucky for Bucky, though, Steve is more than willing to play that part, knowing what he has a craving for. He's more than willing to surrender to Bucky's wants. Anything. Everything. He's so salacious, entirely willing to unfold, to let Bucky have his way--to let Bucky touch him so slowly and softly that he wants to crawl out of his own skin, caressing him as if he goes any faster, he'll spook Steve. Treating him like he's a pretty, delicate fawn with batting lashes and big eyes; skittish and untouched by the spoils of humanity.

Bucky wants to spoil, ruin, and break him.

He wants to be the one.

He wants to do awful things to Steve, starting with a blank, shy canvas, and tearing it apart until he's smeared with paint, torn, and sobbing with how it feels. So good.

He's gonna start with nice, sweet touches. He's gonna bring him pleasure he didn't realize his body was capable of feeling, touching him all over, dragging his fingertips, feathering, down his neck to his chest, over his collarbones, circling his nipples until they get so hard that Steve has to squirm, panting, he wants them touched so badly. He's gonna flirt his hands down his stomach, dragging his nails lightly over his hip bones and the thin, delicate skin stretched taut over the very low of his belly, just above his cock until he has goosebumps. He's gonna barely scratch his nails over Steve's inner thighs until his cock twitches heavily, so embarrassed about how much he likes it and how good it feels that Steve slaps his hands over his face, hiding. Blushing. Breathing heavy.

Bucky is going to wear him out, touching him everywhere, submerging him in pleasure until his sensibilities are shot. Shame burning away. Then, he'll touch him harder, rougher, better. He's gonna show Steve. He's gonna make him crave it harder. Progressing until he needs it like that. Until he can't take the soft, agonizingly drawn-out sweetness now that Bucky's shown him the indulgence of rich, heavy flavors, that's what he wants. A kick in the teeth.

More.

Bucky wants to see him surrender to more.

He wants to take him from lips trembling, tongue tied, hardly able to whisper, "...yes," ducking his head to avoid making eye contact when asked if he wants it, unable to confront how badly he needs it, he's never known he could have needs like this, so strong, all the way to corruption. He wants to erode those shy, neat sensibilities until he's drooling, not whispering "yes," but breaking into panting, moaning, "please, please, please-!"

He wants to tear down his ignorance and shame and turn him into a slavering, uncontrolled slut that feels most at home on his knees. Where he belongs.

Steve might start curled up and shied away, wanting it badly but not knowing how or what to ask and not knowing if he's allowed to want it--unsure if there's even anyone else who wants like he wants--but that's not now he ends. Not after Bucky's done with him. Bucky corrupts him until he knows all he wants is to roll over and show his tummy, panting, chest heaving, aching between his legs.

Fuck me.

Now Steve can't fathom how he used to go without it, how'd he live without being filled and fucked? He thinks about it all the time now, he can't go more than a day without it. The heat, the pleasure, the sticky wetness dripping between his cheeks, down his balls, down his thighs, drippy and melted like a gooey-centered desert, messing up the sheets. He's helpless. He needs to be used. He needs it. He wants it. Please.

Bucky showed him the light and now, no matter what, he can't get him off of his tongue, his fingers, his cock, their toys, or even his own fingers. Steve's corrupted. That's when Bucky knows he is. Truly. He's worn down and corrupted into his little slut--always stuffing himself full if Bucky isn't doing it for him. He needs to be satisfied. He wants to be mindless and sweet for him. It's all he's good for, and he knows it 'cause Bucky told him so!

So, who says Steve's the only one with an overactive imagination and fantasies? Bucky clearly has his own 😏

[gaybananabread]

How about 6 for TodoBaku for the Tickletober event? Love your writing btw!!

Absolutely! I haven't written for this ship before, so I hope I did it justice. Enjoy!

Lee: Todoroki

Ler: Bakugo

Ship: TodoBaku

Summary: Todoroki won't cuddle him to sleep, so Bakugo finds a way to tire him out.

Warnings: swearing (by Bakubabe). This is a tickle fic, so if you don't like that, scroll away!

Dusk settled around U.A. High, bringing the chilly day to an end. The students were tucked away in their dorms, winding down. It was the perfect weather for fuzzy pajamas, pillow forts, and snuggling up under the covers. Two students were making the most of the cooler weather, cuddling in bed while the day began to end. Bakugo and Todoroki, 1A's class-proclaimed power couple.

They were in Todoroki's dorm, making use of the large bed to sprawl out a bit, warming each other under the rich covers. Bakugo was already drowsy, the time, as well as the comforting atmosphere, readying him for sleep. Todoroki was wide awake, scrolling through his phone, entwined with the other. As the clock neared 8:30, the blonde grabbed his boyfriend's phone, tucking it in a bedside drawer. "C'mon, it's late. Time to sleep, half-an'-half."

He smiled at this, but didn't comply. "It's 8:27. Unlike you, I can't just fall asleep before 11. I can still cuddle, but I need something to do until then." He reached for the drawer, only to be pulled back down. "Sleep, damn it. If you really need something to do, I'll it to ya."

Completely missing the ominous tone of that message, Todoroki nodded. "Sure. A break from the phone actually sounds nice." A little stunned, the blonde cleared his throat and gestured next to himself.  "Lay with your back facing me, but press in."  He did as he was told, only slightly suspicious of his requests.

"Put your arms above your head." Now he could sense the oddness of the positions, but cautiously raised them, trying to work out his plan. As soon as Bakugo's arm came to hold him in place, it all clicked. He began to squirm in the blonde's hold.

"B-Bakugo, don't." When he looked into Todo's eyes, Bakugo could see the giddiness behind them. He bet that if he let go, the candy-cane boy would be very disappointed. "I'll be nice."

He fluttered his fingers in the boy's armpits, making him rethink his choice of a thin sleep shirt. He tried holding in his giggles, but when the blonde dug in, he broke.

"Bahahakugohoho!" Soft, precious giggles filled his ears, melting his heart. He smirked and ran his hand downwards, spidering on his ribs, down to his sides, and finally landing on his belly. His squeal was utterly adorable.

"IhihiIHIT- ihihihi CAHAHAN'T!" His laughter switched octaves, like flicking a switch. Bakugo even joined in, softly laughing at his boyfriend. "Hehey, calm down. I'm barely even touchin' you."

The teases made it worse. He kicked his feet, trying to dull the tickley sensations spreading out from his stomach.

Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, he slid his hand under the human candy-cane's shirt, scratching at his navel. He absolutely lost it. "NAHAHA! QUIHIHIHIT IHIHT!" He thrashed, bucking his hips, anything. Though it was only for a few seconds, the sensations felt like they lasted forever.

Even after he stopped, Todoroki could still feel the tingles on his poor belly button. He curled up, getting out the last of his laughter. Baku rubbed his back, smiling at the cute puddle in front of him.

"That was unnecessary." He chuckled. You're tired, arent you?" He inhaled to respond, but all that came out a yawn. More chuckles. He stretched out his arms, laying back down on the bed. "C'mere."

Meer minutes after he suggled up, Todo was asleep, soflty snoring in Baku's arms. The two boys were asleep in each other's arms, smiles on both their face. In both their opinions, the day had ended perfectly.

[hibernationsuit-remade]

Starry or field for the mirco story asks? 👉👈

starry Max decides to ask the Captain about his reaction to one task on Gorgon.

i love how this has nothing to do with the word itself kfkfkfkfkf i promise it's there tho

can u see i'm super uncomfortable writing anything related to emotions btw :)

----

Captain's Quarters were colder and darker than the rest of the ship. Not the most suitable place for reading or working, and clearly not the default mode of the room. Though, maybe the Captain dimmed the lights for a reason.

He was sitting by his desk, half laying on it. Was he sleeping? Just resting? Max has seen someone write while sitting like that.

He cleared his throat. "Captain, can we talk?"

The man half jumped off his chair, spooked by the sudden question. Yep, he was sleeping. "I- wha-", he looked around and spotted the vicar. "Max? Yeah, sure, everything alright?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Good. That's good," he said quietly. "Sorry, I, um, must've fallen asleep while reading something."

"I have to admit, that doesn't sound normal, Captain. Are you alright?"

"Yes." An answer said too quickly, as if it's always ready to be used in conversations like this. He was clearly not alright, but would definitely do his best to hide it.

"It's just-", Max paused, looking for the right words, "You seem to, well, take miss Leonora's task more seriously than you usually do."

"She lost her husband, surely we should help her find some peace by finding his flask."

"There's something else, I can see it's bothering you." The man tried to keep his face as blank from any sign of emotions, but Max could easily see through him. Captain might have had different problems than his old 'flock' had, but he was still a human who needed help, too. Maybe even more than ever before during their travels. "Opening up may help."

"You sound like my therapist back on Earth."

"You had a therapist?"

"I-" he shook his head. "Forget I said anything about that."

"If you had one, then you surely know talking to someone would help."

"It's nothing, really, don't worry about it." He turned away to face the window and took a deep breath, assuming Max would stop at that. Was he staring at the starry sky behind the glass, or at his own, barely visible reflection, showing how sadness was slowly showing itself on his face.

"You can trust me."

"Law, you won't quit, will you?"

Max smirked. "No, I don't think I will."

He sighed and sat on the desk. "Fine. You win."

"It's for your own good."

"Yeah, yeah. Um." He paused for a moment, wondering where to begin. "Remember back in the beginning, you asked why I've decided to help Phineas instead of turning him in, and I replied that it's because I have...family on Hope?"

Max nodded. "I must admit, I thought you were joking back then. Not that I think so now."

"Don't worry, I'm not surprised..."

"Please, continue."

"Yeah, well. Um." Tobias covered his face. "Sorry, I...It's hard to talk about this, I haven't really um, mentioned this before. Not that I don't trust anyone, it's just that I..."

"...don't want to bother anyone even if it's something important? It shows."

"Smart ass. Though, that's why you're cool. You know that, right?"

"Stop trying to switch the topic, Tobias."

"Fine, fine. Ugh." He closed his eyes. "I took it too personally because it reminded me of how my wife is still back on Hope." His voice cracked, hands cletching into fists to hide their trembling, as he continued. "It felt like a punch in the gut, that I'm here and Klara's...not." He wiped a tear off his cheek and added quietly, "I miss her so much."

"I'm so sorry. I-" Max looked at him. Seeing him like this, sobbing and trembling, curled up like a sad teacup canid, wasn't something he had expected to see. Thank Law I closed the door... He walked to the desk and gave him a hug. "I shouldn't have brought this up. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, it's..." he sniffed, "I um...think it helped a bit. Maybe even feel better now..."

"Can you stop lying about your feelings for one moment?"

"No...maybe..." Tobias muttered. "Phineas called yesterday and complained about how I still haven't made up my mind about skipping the Hope. It's not that I don't want to, it's that- well, I'm afraid of what I'll find there."

"Did you ask Phineas about her?"

"After we left Edgewater, yes. He said that according to the ship logs, everything's fine. She's fine." He took a deep breath to calm down a bit, and to stop thinking about all that could've gone wrong. "But still, I'm...I don't think I'm ready..."

"Then we'll go when you're ready."

"Thank you, Max. You're an amazing friend."

"You're welcome."

"You, um, think we could...well. Talk like this more often? I think it made me feel better, honest."

"Of course," Max smiled, "Now sit here while I get you some water."

[bunglegaydogs]

Hiiii I'm just sending an ask because they're all different posts (read : I'm lazy) so please don't mind me lol

First and foremost, YOU ARE AMAZING AT EXPRESSING YOUR THOUGHTS AND YOUR ESSAYS ARE ALWAYS SO NUANCED?? SO YOU SAYING THAT WAS A HUGE COMPLIMENT OMG- I love reading your bsd essays so much and it's just now that I realised that they're all your essays abaammw some of the best in the fandom really. I'm always baffled when in the middle of an essay you go "I may not be articulating my thoughts right" or "this is kind of just put together" because girl you're amazing! Never stop writing these please ajajahsbw ALSO! Hearing your little thoughts and feelings pop up in the middle of an essay makes it so endearing to me. Like, that's a whole ass person writing these many words just to express how much they like this show and they're so adorable! (So sorry if that's offensive idk if calling someone adorable is)

Also, completely unrelated lol but this is exactly why I prefer to ask people questions instead of googling! Knowing that the person explaining is a human has their own opinions and hearing their feelings and experiences is so much more better and relatable than reading stuff off a Google website. Also your pfp is the cutest everyone has cute pfps nowadays 😭 anyways yes cute pfp :D

Actually getting to the point now:

1) yes yes Oda and Dazai's relationship is so dear to me I love them sm and I adore seeing Atsushi all caring for his mentor 😭 he's basically Dazai's emotional support cat!! Dazai let the boy in please I'm begging you he can purr probably and it would melt away your stress pls pls (Maybe everyone in the ADA sees Atsushi as their emotional support cat...)

2) Mori is a piece a shit, and you should be allowed to say it. I'm never biased in my writing but I loathe that guy with my very being and the whole people who like Mori thing really got me reconsidering...was *I* the bad guy for not liking a character when I actively liked a character very similar to him? Then I realised, I completely respect and treat equally all the people who don't like/hate Dazai. I don't treat them any different just because they don't like a character. And that's what I should expect too!

There's no post defending Dazai, and yet I still like him because I accept his wrongdoings and want him to keep getting better, like Oda told him to. Yknow, the argument would be MUCH different if Dazai was a woman and not a man, imagine bashing someone for liking a teen girl and not liking the guy who groomed her to be his heir. Yeah, really puts things into perspective. I'm not sexist, I treat (respectful) men and women equally, but Mori is just. No.

3) I haven't see it before in any canon source material but I feel like it's definitely true. It's clear that Dazai WANTS to want to keep living, but he can't bring himself to want it because of all the pain he's endured. He literally said in dark era that the reason he joined the mafia was to try and seek meaning in life by being close to death and violence. It's ironic, Dazai feels the most alive when he's about to LOSE that privilege. It could also mean that Dazai only realises the "value" in living when he's about to lose it. Perhaps he thinks of things he could've done, things he'll regret, and that helps him to stop before he actually does it. But in my opinion? I don't think he finds anything of worth in that time. He just convinces himself that he does. This is a personal hc but it's probably likely to be the case.

If you've listened to the song My R, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.(totally recommend btw!).The girl in the song speaks to herself about her woes and the 'other' version of her comforts her telling her about all the things that she DOES have, but by the end of the song, she has lost everything of meaning and she can't comfort the "girl". It is only revealed that the girls she comforted are different versions of HERSELF that she stopped from jumping.

Anyways, in conclusion, SOMEBODY PLEASE GIVE THIS BOY A HUG HE DESERVES IT

oh my god oh my god oh my god

i am sat here on the verge of TEARS in my goddamn chuuya cosplay

okay okay give me a second i need to collect myself

you are singlehandedly the SWEETEST person ever im sobbing

literally i cant- thank you so fucking much! you dont understand how much this all means to me WOWOWOWOW <33333333

literally, my brain doesnt let me consume my content positively and so i always think that theyre quite bad or that im the only person who thinks that or that im saying all the wrong things lol

i have so many words and thoughts floating around in my little brain that i just cant find the words for, so thats honestly what those rants are, my delusional 4am thought processes when i deep things too much

and YOU THINK??? genuinely, thank you!!! i love reading people's essays and thoughts, so hearing you say that genuinely just warms my absolute heart <3

and yes yes i do get quite sidetracked very often and start just rambling and adding my own personal twists- genuinely i thought that was annoying for people to read, but you're just putting a big smile on my face right now :) and PLS DONT THINK CALLING ME ADORABLE IS OFFENSIVE I LITERALLY GIGGLED READING THAT SHIT FR. <333

i like to add personal experiences and thoughts into it, just to get my point across, put it into an irl perspective and let people also relate and see what im getting at. (unfortunately) i have the same experiences as most of these characters, and so that is why they're so dear to me and why i get very defensive and passionate writing about them!

and yes! getting your answers and stuff from irl people instead of strange irrelevant responses is much more preferred lol. it's more raw and in depth and definitely a lot more personal! and thank you so much!!! it's genuinely one of my favourite dazai panels istg hes such a pretty mf

1.) i love love LOVE their dynamic, i think it's one of my favourites in the show along with skk and ranpo and yosano. it really fucking hits hard, as all family dynamics do with me fr, idk what it is about them, they just get me. and yes!!! i love when atsushi shows that he cares for dazai it MAKES ME FEEL NICE <3 and that's so real oh my god hes a tiger please PLEASE he can fucking PURR (there was a tumblr post i saw, i can try and find it but it made me actually cry laughing)

THIS ONE i was fucking howling but yes! their relationship is also one that really really gets to me! and yes, he is just the ada's support cat, it's canon, i'm ranpo's sweets

2.) thank you thank you THANK YOU mori is an actual degenerate human being. he's not made to be liked or appreciated or revered, it's just fucking AEUGH. i'm not going to demonise the people who enjoy him as a character, but seriously, it's a big red flag to overlook the canon pedophilia. i saw someone make a defense against him saying "yes, but he's never actually touched kids, so that doesn't mean anything" SORRY? they also went on to say that he "restrains himself" from having pedophilic thoughts with elise, and basically praised him for that. needless to say, it got me feeling fucking icky. and yes! i feel exactly the same. i always think that "oh, maybe i'm the awful one for not liking him? am i bad?" even though, no, i'm perfectly fine thinking that way and i am allowed to think that way. and exactly again! dazai is my favourite character, but i recognise his flaws and his mistakes and don't forgive them. but he's actively trying to "be a better person" (i say this in quotation marks because dazai sees everything he does as inevitably pointless, but still wishes to uphold oda's dying words. i am definitely going to make a post about this in the near future lol) and i dont make my analyses biased towards him, and i stay on neutral ground UNLESS personal opinion comes up, to which i then say that it's my personal opinion, not fact, and that it's anybody's choice to think however they want. if somebody doesn't like dazai; okay! i'm interested in talking with them, and we can both talk about things we're very passionate about and have healthy conversations! unlike some people i have seen on reddit, goddamn. but no, we're not the bad people for hating that knobhead fr. we should all treat and be treated the same as any other fan in the fandom and get along, and i wish we could ALL do that in non-toxic ways. 99% of this fandom are the loveliest people ever, but that 1% just needs to get a grip like omg. we should treat others how we want to be treated, regardless of who favours what ship and who likes what character. and real!!! if gender roles were reversed for dazai, this would be much more problematic, and that's upsetting! dw dw, i dont think its sexist, i think its putting things into perspective bc, either way, its shitty how he was treated. i fucking hate mori. whenever i see people defending him to like, the bone, like not getting into a decent discussion and being civil but instead bashing everyone who says otherwise and completely overlooking the abuse, manipulation, grooming, pedophilia and just him as a sick and twisted person in general, it just really irks me. as someone who has in fact had to deal with separate strands of abuse including many fucking counts of sexual abuse and pedophilia, it disgusts me seeing people overlooking it and it makes me feel fucking sick. that shit is not just something to be overlooked because of the fact that you enjoy mori as a character, he's not supposed to be a character that's consumed positively, he's a bad guy. a lot of characters in bsd are morally grey, but mori is just fucking morally black. he's downright evil.

(TW for suicide and self harm next btw :) )

3.) yes yes yessss!!! again, bringing personal stuff into it, i deal heavily with the whole topic of suicide and self harm. i've attempted twice and still deal with thoughts of it every single day, as well as self harm. so, this is one of my main reasons of dazai being my absolute favourite character, because of the representation and actual presentation of these topics. at first, we're shown them in a whimsical and whacky way, then it gets so much darker once we get into the dark era. it's a complete tonal shift, and it really sets in the gravity of the situation for him. and, as you said, he wants to have that ability to want to keep going and living, and he wants to be able to put the effort in, but he can't/ he physically cannot. as much as he would want to try, he can't. and yes, when he said that it fucking BROKE me fr. just at the chance that he's not able to keep living on anymore as a human is the one thing that keeps him alive, i fucking love asagiri's writing, it's so complex and beautiful. and its so so so real!!! youre literally right idc lmao. youve so eloquently said it im crying, youre putting all my thoughts into words <3

and yes!!! i have listened to the song, i absolutely LOVE it! and i never fail to think of dazai whenever i listen to it </3 and, i also think it's very very much like dazai, because of the multiple different versions we see of him too. chuuya hasn't exactly changed much, but he has gone through some very very complex and deep character developments, such as in fifteen and stormbringer. hes a lot more "tame" and respectful now, and a lot more mature. (except with dazai lmao) aku, we see he's changed slightly thanks to atsushi, but still no major character fucking flip arounds. all these characters we've watched slowly become better and more complex throughout the series. dazai? he just does 180s every single fucking year. hes different at 14 and 15 than he is at 18. hes different at 18 than he is at 20-22. and the different faces he puts on for each and every person, all his masks that he has. there's much variety to dazai; you never know what you'll get. there's so many different sides to him, because he doesn't know who he is. as odasaku saw him, "a lost child crying out". no matter the age, no matter the state, dazai is always going to be harbouring that broken child with him, trying to hide it and build up walls around it, because the only time he's ever shown it, he's gotten hurt or betrayed and lost some key figures in his life. trust issues much?

anyways i am sorry i am sorry i rambled too much lmao

in conclusion, YES, GIVE HIM A FUCKING HUG OH MY GOD PLEASE I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO HUG HIM PLS GOD LET ATSUSHI GIVE HIM A BIG HUG WHEN HE COMES OUT OF MEURSAULT I SWEAR-

thank you so so so SO much for your kind words!!! sweetest person EVER fr <333333

thank you my love!!! /p have a lovely day/night :) <3

[autistic-crypt1d]

Season 4 SGA live blogging:

Aight so Atlantis is stranded and lost in a void between systems leaking power, here we go!

S1, S2, S3

Updates:

- man oh man is there a lot going on off the bat, Weir is down, Rodney is scrambling to figure out how to save everyone in the city, and John is now burdened with leading Atlantis

- god the guilt Rodney is having to shove aside to try and save everyone else is so bad ahhhhhhhhh

- ahhhh seeing John about to cry makes me wanna cryyyy

- the jumper coordination is so cool!!!

- and ofc, Teyla has Atlantis under control while Sheppard does what he does best

- I forgot to add this earlier, SAM

- THE SPACE JUMP

- Ronon is so sweet y'all, poor baby 😭

- seeing Rodney and Sheppard fight like that is so weird and I hate it

- not Rodney scolding Ronon like a damn dog

- GET HIS ASS ELIZABETH

- how exactly could she do the hand in the head thing while having a mostly human body? Like, how's that work with human fingies

- LET'S GO APOLLO

- ya know, the ancients really screwed any future people who discovered atlantis by not leaving the instructions on how to make a ZPM. If it does exist in the database they sure didn't make it at all easy to find considering they never do

- always knew you could do it John

- of course it's Teyla taking care of Weir's things and of course it's Ronon who comes to be with her during it 😭 I love them so much

- Reunion, oh boy

- Ronon I love you but they just tried to kill Teyla, you could acknowledge that before jumping for joy

- Sam in charge let's gooooooo

- PFFFFT the painted pineapple

- THE PICTURE OF JACK

- Rodney, I love you but please stop speaking

- Ronon, buddy, take it down a notch please

- aw man I just realized Ronon calls the expedition members his people 😭

- STOP IT RIGHT NOW, RONON IS FAMILY NOT AN ALLY, SHUT YOUR FACE

- Ronon did decorate 😭

- these wraith are going down awfully easy, I can't tell if they're faking it cuz the 3 are in on it or they just haven't fed in a while

- yessss backup your team Ronon

- EEW THE DOOR SLIME

- how tf did Rodney get in that thing

- poor Ronon man, he just cannot catch a break

- "Ronon, where are your friends?" "They're right here. Let's go home." MY HEART

- Doppelganger, ah crap

- please don't touch that John

- god damn it John

- I've never seen the shirt Teyla's wearing before! Very pretty as always

- poor Teyla

- ahhhhhh I hate Keller's nightmare dude!!!

- Ronon's nightmare being completely alone again and being hunted 😭

- Lorne, poor baby

- I have to say, they've introduced Keller as a main character really really well in my opinion

- oh Kate no 😭 (this is what inspired the heightmeyer joke btw)

- ah man John's expression, you know that he has to be feeling so damn guilty right now. He didn't kill her but touching that crystal did even if it's not his fault. Plus the fact that he knows that she died afraid of him. That has to hurt.

- Teyla hugging him after all that must have meant the world to him, he was so scared she would hate him

- of course Sheppard volunteers to be the one to go with Rodney

- god the devastation on John's face about Rodney...

- and of course Rondey runs back into danger for Sheppard!

- I wish we knew why the entity did this, like why it tormented and killed and tried to kill them. Surely by being in their mind they could tell they didn't mean to take it, also the fact that it drew him in, why?

- the team gathering together at the end is so cute

- ah Travelers, this episode is ok

- the closet scene is pretty funny tho

- Sheppard had that gun for all of 2 seconds before it ran out of ammo, but we've never once seen Ronon reload

- oh boy, Tabula Rasa. This episode is so good but also so trippy. It scared tf outta me as a kid

- the way they did the colorgrading, lighting, angles, sound track, so good and so eerie

- I can only imagine how terrifying it is forgetting like that so quickly. People like the doctors and soldiers hanging on to their duties over anything else, not even knowing why they're doing it

- I love the flashing back and forth too

- Ronon has the coolest jackets

- Ronon getting annoyed and impatient and just shooting Sheppard and typing him up will never not be funny

- poor Rodney, knowing that with Teyla gone he's going to completely forget any minute

- also hello Zane from Eureka

- it's so hard seeing Lorne like that, he's trying so hard

- come on John, stop pointing a gun at your bestie

- I love seeing Ronon take charge for once, he really is so smart and capable and awesome and I wish he got to shine more

- of course Rodney is the first person Sheppard asks about

- I'm not a fan of Rodney and Katie, but that was a cute moment

- OH BOY Missing, shit is about to get realllll

- I'm glad we get to see more of Teyla's absolute badassness in this episode even though it stresses me tf out

- poor Keller, her first introduction to off world shit and it's this

- Teyla's face when Keller is talking about summer camp 😂

- Teyla's ability to hold it together even after being told she is the last of her people, so intense

- not the Bola Kai with a damn lolipop XD

- again with Rodney and Sheppard hanging out in their free time playing games

- Teyla is so sweet to Keller, asking her about her home while they're captured

- LET'S GO KELLER

- I also very much love that Teyla and Keller got to bond

- The Seer is pretty interesting. There's 2 rather big plotlines going on here, the replicators annihilating human worlds, and the thing with Teyla's people.

- "well, this is awkward." "Yes."

- Miller's Crossing, this episode is a good one, very stressful. I love when they visit Earth tho, especially with Ronon.

- "I looked dumb!"

- I love that they call Todd "Sheppard's wraith"

- ok I get Rodney going in like a dummy with no backup, but Baret, come on you should know better dude

- also, where tf did Jeannie's change of clothes come from, did they grab them while they were kidnapping her or something??

- it's pretty hilarious they just put Ronon in the same outfit as Sheppard

- Jeannie, that was incredibly fucked up to say

- Walter, why the hell would you stop Ronon from eating while you are talking

- watching Sheppard talk that guy into getting fed on is... rough

- This Mortal Coil is a pretty good episode. The initial issue with the gate and then all the lead up, very cool

- this show has always done a great job of subtly hinting that something is wrong until it becomes undeniable

- I kinda love when Ronon and Rodney get paired up, they're so funny together

- I really love seeing more of the good replicators, they still do bad stuff, but they have dimension ya know?

- I believe that city being destroyed was Sam's vision tho

- the 2 groups meeting remind me of that one SG-1 episode, the "comtria!" dude who duplicates them

- gotta say, Jack takes it a lot worse than John's team does

- aw man, Rodney and Zelenka talking about losing Elizabeth and Carson... this is the first time we really see Rodney be honest about his feelings to anyone but Sheppard

- AHHHH and then Rodney and Sheppard talking about her

- Be All My Sins Remember'd, oof, seeing them trying to evacuate all the planets in the replicator's path before they get hit, that's rough

- ZANE NOOOO

- PFFFFT the fucking "Colonel"s bit is hilarious

- poor Rodney never being allowed to fully explain :/

- YOU TELL HIM SAM

- Todd and Rodney are pretty funny together

- Todd looks different here for some reason

- Ridney and Zelenka always make me laugh when they work together istg. Their dynamic has changed so much since the start of the show too. They're much more comfortable around eachother now and interact on a friend level now

- PFFFFT, Ronon immediately moved away from Todd when Larin was gonna kill him

- Zelenka this is what happens when you leave Rodney alone for too long

- OOP, noooot a great moment to tell everyone you're pregnant

- awww Ronon 😭

- god Sheppard is so gay, I've never seen that man react normally to being flirted with by a woman

- pfffft Zelenka shuffling away at the awkward convo XD

- GO GET EM TEAM

- the way F.R.A.N. said "Hello" was so satisfying wtf

- the replicator blob is horrifying I love it

- I always forget how this Elizabeth survived

- Spoils of War, Todd you sneaky bastard

- Ronon is the sweetest y'all, "who says you have to keep up?", him and the rest of the team are gonna love her no matter what, but he's the first one to tell her that

- PFFFT Ronon pulling Rodney out of the room

- Lorne!!

- if this is the episode I think it is, OH BOY

- IT IS

- oh? Maybe not?

- "you touched something didn't you" "no... maybe a little"

- again with Sheppard knowing random ass very specific things about Rodney

- ah gross, the birthing facility

- why do they have the same access play like, all the queens

- Lorne is so sweet 😭

- oh boy, Quarantine

- of course the boys are hanging out again

- pfffft of course everyone's first thing is to try and call Rodney

- Teyla is so over John being skittish about her pregnancy

- oh my god Ronon and Keller are so damn awkward together

- damn it Radek, just let Sam workkkkk

- JOHN YOU'RE STRESSING ME OUT

- TEYLA YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW

- you're yelling me that Chuck climbed down the tower???

- Harmony, this episode is pretty funny honestly, and I'm always a fan of John and Rodney on their own doin stupid shit

- the kid annoys tf out of me

- why are the Genii always doing this shit

- OOP

- their faces when she's talking about John like they're married is hilarious

- Outcast, I like this episode a lot, but poor John man

- Rodney requested to go with him AHHHHHH

- pffffft Ronon just showing up like, I'm coming with you, obviously

- ahhhh see this is a much better outfit for Ronon than the last one where they just duplicated what Sheppard was wearing

- not to mention the second outfit with the vest???

- the girl is a badass, gotta say

- Trio... OH WAIT

- this episode stresses me tf out

- it's kinda hilarious that it's 3 nerds stuck though. I mean like, is Sam military and a badass? Yes, but she is also first and foremost a huge nerd.

- man Sam gets like one off world mission in this show and she gets beat tf up during it, we're already at 2 of 3 big ass falls and the 3rd one is OUCHY

- Sam is such a badass, ugh I love seeing her in action again

- Rodney, Rodney please shut up, PLEASE SHUT UP

- 1. Should've tied the rope off a lot shorter. 2. Should've shoveled out dirt as you went

- Rodney really comes in clutch during the escape

- look, Rodney and Keller are cute, I will admit that, but him and Sheppard are still my favorite

- midway is such a good episode oh my god

- yay Teyla is back!!! I missed her

- TEAL'C, LET'S GOOOOO

- "I must admit, I am partial to the tator tots" PFFFFFT

- god I've missed Teal'c

- them fighting is so damn good

- *drops sticks, immediately starts first fighting*

- UGH, KAVANAGH

- I forgot how small the room is, especially once you put two big ass dudes like Ronon and Teal'c in it

- now see, why tf would they not install and iris on the midway station gates just in case

- man SGA is a lil lazy with their wraith casting, we've seen this same dude play like 3 different wraith that all look identical but can't possibly be the same because we see them die. And the same woman plays pretty much every single female wraith.

- like we just saw this wraith dude die in the cloning facility episode. Technically I guess it could be that he's a clone but to my knowledge, they only cloned soldiers not the other ones

- also, couldn't have locked down the control room a lil quicker? Like idk, THE DOORS

- PFFFT the little smack Sheppard gives Rodney

- the alien boys and their funky alien energy weapons

- KAVANAGH WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

- I hate him but his hair is nice rn, finally got rid of the weird ponytail

- god it breaks my heart seeing McKay's expression when he thinks Sheppard is dead

- YOU TELL HIM RONON

- Rodney's face when he finds Sheppard 😭

- THE PIPE SWING

- INDEED

- poor Teal'c man, he's been through the ringer again and again and now getting fed on by a wraith???

- oop, there goes midway

- the IOA meeting lighting is so weird and creepy I hate it

- how'd they open the jumped from the outside?

- PFFFT Ronon waking Sheppard is so cute, I love them so much

- also, where did they pee during the time stuck in the jumper cuz... they were in there for at least 2 days

- The Kindred pt 1, yesssss a Teyla focused episode!!! I missed her

- Hoffan virus comes back once again

- poor Lorne like, uhhhh Teyla, whatchya doin with that knife

- Lorne has such a sweetie pie vibe, like, look at that face!!

- ah crap, Michael is back again

- Lorne came back looking like a dog that got caught getting into the trash, pure shame face

- woah I forgot Michael figured out how to stop needing to feed. See now why can't they just be friends now, if they don't need to feed on humans they can be buddiessss

- OH SHIT IT'S THIS EPISODE TOO

- ouch ouch ouch, Rodney's face seeing Carson again 😭

- part 2, boy howdy there's a lot going on this episode

- Ronon and Sheppard's tactical roll over the counter plus Rodney literally pushing Carson out if the way is hilarious

- Poor Keller man, it's gotta be hard having to save the life of the guy who not only tried to kill you and your friend, but also alerted Michael to the location of the Athosians

- ahhhhhh I hate her being in the table dude it's so creepy!!! Michael stop being creepy to Teyla!!!

- the mix of joy and fear Teyla showed when Michael showed her the ultrasound is so sad

- why tf is that extra just standing in the background staring like that wtf

- did he have brown hair when we last saw him? I could've sworn it was white. Like I get that he's been messing with the mix of wraith and human dna but still

- Rodney is so protective of Carson it's so wholesome 😭 his first instinct when gun fire starts is to protect him

- aw man, Teyla now on top of all that having to come to grips with Carson being alive again, OOF

- last episode of the season and boy is it a dosey! The Last Man.

- the idea of being alone in Atlantis is HORRIFYING

- this episode is so sad y'all

- Todd!!

- Ronon 😭

- THE CLIFF HANGER IS ILLEGAL

Season 5

[captainsjack]

📓 describe a fic any fic. mayhaps something mi??

hngngg ok ok this is so hard to just pick one, but the one i'm currently most thinking about (and have written a total of 0%) is my fake death au!

so basically, it takes place around the same time as fallout, sort of in place of it. and benji and ethan have been dating for a while (idk how long maybe a year or two). it's all ethan pov btw. and one day benji goes to the grocery store and ethan's at home cooking dinner and he's waiting for benji to come back. but then he gets a call from the hospital saying benji's been in a crash and he needs to come down there. except when ethan gets there they tell him benji was pronounced dead on the scene and there wasn't anything they could do.

so like ethan goes back home to this cold, half-cooked dinner and is completely numb. he isolates himself and lays in bed and just. barely exists for a few days before luther & brandt come over looking for him and benji bc they haven't been at work for a while. and they find ethan in bed, barely moving, and eventually he tells them that benji died. ("where's benji?" "the crematorium. i'm supposed to pick him up on tuesday.")

(i forgot to mention that after these first few days, ethan takes a ring from benji's laptop case and puts it on. benji was going to propose to him. he hadn't yet, and he didn't know ethan knew he was going to, but ethan had figured it out weeks ago and was forcing himself to wait for benji to actually propose and not just say yes the moment he figured it out. only now, benji will never get the chance. and so ethan puts on the ring in an attempt to tell benji yes, yes of course he wants to marry him, it's the only thing he's ever wanted, even though benji isn't there to hear him say yes).

then basically like yeah. it's just about ethan going through the stages of grief (i was thinking maybe a chapter per stage??). luther, brandt, & ilsa plan the funeral and take care of ethan because he's not himself. ethan refuses to write the eulogy and luther has to beg him to because this is benji, and it shouldn't come from anyone else. eventually ethan agrees, but he isn't actually able to write anything other than 'benji' at the top of the paper and nothing else. there's the funeral. ethan speaks last. he gets up to the podium and stares at the almost blank sheet of paper. he looks out at the crowd for a few moments, and then just walks away. he leaves. drives for days, weeks, out to california. stops in random safe houses and lives there sometimes. he ditches his phone and all communication. goes through the anger and bargaining stages until he gets to california. gets an apartment there. sends all his stuff over from dc but can't unpack any of it because it's all benji's too. so he lives in this empty apartment full of boxes and can't even sleep in the bed because it's the bed he shared with benji. he slips into this deep deep depression, and it's not until like 6 months later that he actually speaks to another human being because luther shows up at his door one night. ("i've already lost one friend. i didn't think i was going to lose two.")

and so luther stays. for months. ethan's not receptive at first, but luther takes care of him and gets him into therapy, and, slowly, ethan gets better. he feels sort of alive again. luther eventually moves out and into his own apartment a few blocks away from ethan. on the one year anniversary of benji's death, ethan visits his grave for the first time. (he and luther fly back to dc for a visit. ethan sees ilsa and brandt for the first time in a year too).

then ethan finally reaches acceptance and has to learn how to live his life without benji. about two years in, ethan goes back to the imf, but stays located in california. he still can't go back to dc for more than a few days because each place there holds too many memories of benji. luther retired when benji died, and he still lives in california with ethan. ilsa and brandt visit them frequently. ethan visits benji each anniversary of his passing. he still wears the ring.

then it's almost four years since benji died. ethan's called on a mission. they're tracking down the last group of the apostles. when ethan infiltrates their base, he comes face to face with none other than benji. (i have this really cool scene in my head where the apostles attack ethan and hold him captive for a hot sec and tell benji to kill him and get rid of him. and ethan thinks he's gonna do it but then six shots fire and all the apostles drop dead and it's just him and benji left standing there. benji had saved him and ethan doesn't know why. then ethan comes at him and attacks him and yells at him to take of the mask ("take it off." "take what off?" "your mask. take it off right now. and if you ever use that face again, i swear i will kill you."). and benji has to convince ethan that it's really him, he's here, alive, and not someone else wearing benji as a mask. ethan only believes him when he slices benji's cheek with a knife and he bleeds, pure and true, with no layer of mask against his skin.)

then ethan's so overwhelmed that benji's here and alive and there's still a mission to focus on and he doesn't even know how to process this. benji tells him they need to go, because there's more of them downstairs, and so ethan and benji take care of the rest of the apostles and then the mission's over and benji comes back with ethan and his team.

and this is already so long djfkjjd i didn't mean to go into so much detail, but basically then ethan has to reach acceptance all over again, has to accept the fact that the past four years of his life weren't even real and he had to go through all of that for nothing. (benji tells him it wasn't for nothing, because it kept ethan alive. the apostles had kidnapped him and told him that if he didn't come work with them, that ethan would die, and benji tried to think of any way to get out of it but couldn't. so he had followed their instructions and faked his death and become a part of their group. ethan was safe and that's all that had mattered) (“leaving you was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. but i would do it again in a heartbeat, knowing it saved your life.” “it didn’t.”)

so then benji moves to california with ethan and they relearn how to be a part of each other's lives and work though everything that went down the past four years, and it takes a lot of work, but eventually, they're happy and together (and finally get married) (and also they retire).

-

ask me about my wips!

[kart0]

Venting about me being stupid tw ed and suicide thoughts

...hey

I feel like I should start this by saying I've been actually pretty well lately ! I am drawing again, I lost weight which was something I really wanted, I think I made new friends, and I've been growing a lot on social media - I love the attention btw

So what do I have to complain now ? Dani doesn't this get tiring ? Uhhh yes but it's my blog so FUCK YOU

Anyways, it's exam season and there's a lot of things to do. And I have to mention I am illiterate I do not read nor am good at writing. I guess it has to do with my anxiety, I have a lot of thoughts. A LOT. That keep playing 24/7, so it's kinda hard to write something coherent.

So, I have this class, ceramic class, and I am terrible at it. Like. Super bad. Everything I do looks so bad it's literally disgusting to look at. Ok so we had this essay to do and I did, proudly, and I finish it on time which made me so happy. And I thought I did pretty well in fact !

Hm. Thought. We got our grade today and I got such a bad grade. Like. Not even half of the grade. And now I can't stop crying and feeling so stupid specially because ! Basically everyone in my class uses Chatgpt and gets away with it. And I swore, on my life, that I would never, NEVER, use AI to do my work. To do nothing, really. I have an ego the size of the universe, and I am extremely proud. It's my dignity on risk. What would my parents think of me ? What would I think of myself ???? I would never do that. Instead I keep writing everything on my own, with references of course. I used to think I'd rather get a low grade instead of using chat fucking gpt.

Well, now that I actually got a low grade I am really really upset, and regretful. Why did I have to be so proud and stupidly arrogant with my abilities. I know I FUCKING KNOW I can't write for shit. I keep thinking about how I should've used AI.

And I feel so shitty I skipped dinner tonight. Because I feel like I should starve and die. I do not deserve food. All I have to feel right now is fucking pain, and be miserable. Because I am failing this class. And I know, rationally speaking, this is super dumb. It's just a class and it's just one essay y'know. And I need to eat. Cuz honestly I'm pretty hungry.

But I keep thinking about what I did, and how I could've done so much better. I feel like such a fool.

Such a fucking fool.

And now my thoughts are spiraling, how I should either dropout of college (again btw) or kill myself ! Damn bro. Chill for a second.

And I have been eating less. Too less in fact. That's how I've been able to lose weight. So eating even less each time feels like a sickly accomplishment somehow. And I keep weighing myself everyday, morning and night. Sometimes 10 times a day. And all I want is for the number to get lower. It's so sick I should stop but I don't know how. And I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I haven't told anyone about this.

I need to lose more weight, I NEED to lose more weight. Keeps on replay, and I work even harder to not eat. It's a game of being unworthy of basic human needs. I am starving myself to death. I know that.

And now I am punishing myself by not eating anything at all because of a fucking essay. Why do I keep doing this. What am I even trying to achieve with this. I keep feeling sick and nauseated and it's so bad and I keep taking pills for headaches and I just feel so... stupid

But I need to see me getting skinnier. I feel proud. And there was a time when this happened before too, when I was 18-19. I was so skinny back then and I did not eat.

And now it's happening again and I can't remember how I stopped the first time.

I don't want to feel sick all the time. I don't want to keep looking at the scale. I don't want to think I have to deserve food.

I don't want to die.

But I want this to be over. So much. And I know it's not the end of the fucking world but why, why does it feel like this all the time. Why can't I be normal, and have normal thoughts, and behave normally, and just be fucking ok for once.

I was doing so well... How did I end up like this again.

When will this ever stop ?

[myownjadedpieceofmind]

My week was full of Dr's appointments. The first picture features my fancy at home sleep test- somewhere during the night I lost the finger band, so I'm sure the doctors are going to make me do it again. Then i had to see an orthopedic surgeon about my hip...which is where those fancy paper shorts came in. New x-rays were done, along with measurements of my joints and bones. Seems my bones grew twisted, imagine that. After the appointment, I waited in a room for a half an hour for a cortisone injection to my right hip joint. (I do not feel *any* effect, btw... if anything, it hurts more. )

The thing is... if I grew like a normal human, then they could fix the detached labrum. But, since I have pelvic and femoral antiversion, I will just repeatedly tear the labrum when walking. There's more complications when you consider the connective tissue disorder, the osteoarthritis that's already set in, and the fact that I have signs of osteopenia (early bone loss).

So, cortisone shot, and in 6 weeks I go back to see if physical therapy or the steroid helped.

5below has the tiny squishmellows, so...my inner child was rewarded for dealing with big scary things.

I really need some prayers, good vibes, ju-ju, or blessings right now... I'm coming up on my biggest vendor event of the year and I haven't been able to secure the funding to stock my booth. I haven't been able to come up with any of the money I've needed to do the types of artwork I usually do. Supplies cost money. Having a website costs money. It would be super cool if the universe heard me, saw all the hard work I've been doing with my business and allowed it to continue building momentum.

Check my website out, or contact me if you have any ideas for helping my business out...

If you want to help me get supplies...my Amazon list for supplies can be found here https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/UJVBFQPE1D0U?ref_=wl_share

[tankbredgrunt]

End of year wrap-ups, 2023

It's presently June while I start to write this, and I thought if I wanted to put together a list of media consumed over 2023 I could at least get an early start, for as much my sake of mindfulness and talking about the things I loved/hated. If you're interested too, you can read more; first is video games, then music, then movies and tv, then books. If you feel like talking about anything in here don't hesitate! This is going to be a nightmare to tag though so, I probably won't lmao.

Nothing is necessarily ranked in order either btw, and just because I didn't write any thoughts with something doesn't mean I disliked it. Just no thoughts you know? I could have thoughts though. For the right price.

Viddy Games

For the games I haven't yet beaten but did spent some time playing, I made 12 hours of progress into Hollow Knight and am very keen to get back into it; I played Cyberpunk 2077 for about 47 hours, and am very keen to get back into it; Baldur's Gate 3 has ~9 hours at this moment, and I'm keen, etc; and Starfield has 32 hours in it and I am NOT keen to get back into it. I can get into that later though. 🏆 means I got the Platinum achievement trophy too :3

Last of Us Part 1 (x2)/Last of Us PS4 Remaster (x3)/Last of Us PS3 (x1) 🏆 - 5 stars On top of regular playthroughs, this year also marked the dip into Grounded mode. I completed one Grounded round on the Part 1 PS5 remake, and 2 more on the PS4 remaster (for the achievements). It would be impossible to discuss the reasons why I love this game so much so I will spare yall, a mercy dedicated to anyone who's already had to/gotten to hear me go on about it. I also got two TLoU tattoos this year. Ask me about my theories still though. One of my favorite moments from my 2nd Grounded run (Including one of the nearly-100 fuck ups leading up to that point):

Death Stranding - 5 stars I'm coming in to write about this one retroactively, because I've spent all this time since beating the game thinking about it. Did I understand half of what was going on? Vaguely, but it was beautiful, and heartfelt, and the world was interesting, and it satisfied the need I had to go outside and run my errands. Loved Cliff's character, and his plight as a father, how he carried it with him to the afterlife, and his speech to Sam is on loop constantly as a goosebumps generator. All the webs this story weaved came together and fray in such intriguing ways.

Detroit: Become Human (x2) - 5 stars These were my third and fourth playthroughs of this game and I find myself fonder for this little game each time I play. The perfect example of how a setting is so much deeper for the things it DOESN'T say than the things it does, once you think consider it. Under the cover of fun little robots, this world is so bleak, and I love the thought experiments. A very good example, imo, of what kind of tool cyberpunk really is as a setting. Quantic Dream also slips in one unanswered aspect into each of their stories, and while it's true that the ambiguity can be frustrating, Quantic Dream accidentally does it in a way that I find so alluring. Ra9, in this case, examining the clues on my own, coming to my own conclusions. It lets the world live on after the games have ended. I don't care about having answers--the game focused on what it needed to. It was not a portal into the greater world, it was one into Kara, Connor, and Marcus. We can look at the world on our own.

Disco Elysium - 4 stars Admittedly while this one took me a few months to finish, with a break spanning between November 2022 to March, and often found it VERY dense with information, I still really enjoyed myself. It's also the sort of narrative that is very self-aware, and as such pokes fun at itself, and as another such is sometimes lost under a few too many layers of irony and sarcasm. It's a bit hard sometimes to know what information to take seriously and what to disregard. As wonts these sorts of games the content is made entirely of dialog, very reading heavy, and puts me to sleep--I couldn't imagine playing this game without the stellar voice acting. Haunting and comedic sometimes even in the same line of dialog, I'm glad I found it after the Final Cut was released. Highly recommend, looking forward to another play-through.

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom - 4 stars I loved BotW from the moment I got my Switch on launch day. Interestingly with TotK, I found my high opinion slipping the more I played, and too afterward. It seems more and more to me that Nintendo isn't exactly as keyed into what people are looking for with Zelda as they thought. TotK comes complete with shallow villains and anime tropes and a bastardization of a fair bit of the work done in BotW. It is not a story that is aware of it's own narrative, characters, or concepts. I don't say this as a person who demands to know which timeline and where exactly it takes place, only as someone invested in the universe and hopes to have somethings meaningfully extrapolated on. I'm hungry for subversion. Won't get much of that with this game sadly. That said, where gameplay was concerned I still really enjoyed myself. Before release I was worried how they would fill a world I've already spent 300+ hours exploring, and it turned out the answers were 2 entirely new maps and a largely transformed overworld. Discovering the newness in a world I already knew so well was fantastical. The building mechanics were enchanting, the shrines legitimately challenging, and the world still fun to explore. Don't see myself replaying for quite a while though, if ever, which was also the case with BotW. EDIT: having read and heard of all the nightmares about this games development since I've played it, just have to say 😬 yikes dude. Really recontextualizes the story for me. Idk though the gameplay was still super fun, so where an overall rating is concerned, I'm a bit conflicted. I'll leave it where it is I guess but let the record show it's still a Yikes from me about certain things.

Heavy Rain - 3.5 stars So, in the driver's seat of this, I found myself not doing much else besides complaining. The controls on the PC port are horrible; the 'twist' was less that and more... dishonest; voice acting was rough; David Cage exists; etc. But idk dude!! Something about it was still as charming as the first time!! It's been just about 10 years since I first played it at release, and the nostalgia was strong. It was a perfect distraction from real life at the time, and I've always looked back on the game fondly, though I've never replayed it. There ARE functional things I do dislike about the plot and writing and the awful ending, which discounts its score to the 3.5 star rating, but idk yall. I find Norman dorky and lovable, flawed yet well-intentioned; Ethan is a desperate dad trying to correct mistakes he still can't reconcile with; even Scott's motivations are understandable. I, like one key character, cannot deny that seeing a dad do whatever it takes to save his son? I'll have what he's having.

Oxenfree - 3 stars One thing about me is I have a great hatred for time travel stories. They always inevitably fall short. Oxenfree however used what I believe are the true assets of the trope. The struggle of fate, predetermination, and how-could-anything-be-different. (I also believe a key function of time travel stories is the character's understanding that they aren't the first version of themselves caught in the loops but that's a different convo). Anyway the ambiguous ending was also a big win to me. All in all a fun little game. Give it a try if you want some low-stakes entertainment with a good story.

The Uncharted series - a mixed bag So this doesn't include Uncharted 1, which I played damn near a decade ago when I first got my PS4 and the Nathan Drake collection. My thoughts on that are hazy but one I remember vividly--fuck the ship level. Anyway I mark this as mixed bag because my feelings towards it are complicated. I still felt the essence of NaughtyDog throughout, their care for their characters and sympathetic storytelling. While not as morally gray as their TLoU stuff, and rated Teen, it was still compelling, and despite my intense grievances with the combat systems in 1-2-3, I never questioned whether I would continue with the next game. However. Those grievances. Holy shit. Snap-to-cover is NEVER the answer, game devs. I know and forgive that games 1-3 are over a decade old, developers have better tools and understanding now. See an example of my jimmies being rustled here:

Take a shot each time a headshot doesn't hit. For gameplay reasons only I can't give the first 3 games any higher than 3 stars. And even though 3 has the best story of the 3, gameplay might even knock that one down to a 2. Anywho, the whiplash in quality between 3 and 4 was insane. I played the PS5 port, and loved everything about 4. Loved Sam, loved baby Nate, loved the story. It was as if ND had kept a .txt file of every single issue up till that point and corrected each of them. Seeing the bones of TLoU2 was also nice. Phenomenal game, and I look forward to playing it again sometime soon. Ratings for each game go: Uncharted 2 and 3 - 3 stars Uncharted 4 - 5 stars Uncharted: Lost Legacy - 4 stars Sadly I don't have the tools or plans to play the PSP game. PS Vita? Either way.

Last of Us Part 2 (x3) - 4 stars This was probably my 3rd time playing TLoU2, and while I don't have many strong comments to make concerning the story, I feel like this was finally the first time I truly understood Ellie's character in this game. The truth of her grief and what it was really over. And Abby as well, how she wasn't just a foil for Ellie, but for Joel as well. That said, I do still feel I would love this game so much more if it was just told linearly. The pacing is DOGshit dude, wow. Love it though. I've also completed a Grounded playthrough and got the Plat trophy this year as well, which I only mention for bragging rights 💅

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice 🏆 - 5 stars I don't think I have much to say about this game besides general comments about how phenomenal the experience was. Never played anything like it. Fun exploration, environmental puzzles, great visuals. Combat was good, sound design was excellent. Story was good, acting was amazing. All around VERY thrilled I played.

Assassin’s Creed: Mirage 🏆 - 5 stars I GOTTA SAY, This game surprised the hell out of me. I’m on a journey to play all the Assassin’s Creed games; so far I’ve finished 8 out of ~18. For how badly Valhalla sucked ass I was hesitant to play this one, since it acts as a sort of prequel to a particular character, but DAMN if this didn’t completely surprise me. The world was incredibly fun to explore, and even included environmental puzzles. You will legitimately feel like an assassin with the amount of player freedom this game gives you, and the story was just as good. Best Assassin’s Creed game? 👀 Hard to say till I’ve finished them all but so far it’s absolutely a contender. Basim I love youuuuuu

Unmentioned, in alphabetical order: [Assassin's Creed 1 - 2.5 stars; Assassin's Creed 2 - 3.5 stars; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: China - 3 stars; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: India - 3.5; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: Russia - 3.5 stars; Beyond: Two Souls - 3 stars; Ghost of Tsushima - 4 stars; Gone Home - 3 stars; Indigo Prophecy - 2 stars; It Takes Two - 3 stars; A Plague Tale: Innocence - 3.5 stars; The Quarry - 2.5 stars; SEASON - 3 stars; Spider-Man 2 (2023) 🏆 - 3 stars; Stray - 3.5 stars; Super Mario Wonder - 4 stars; Twin Mirror - 3 stars; Viewfinder - 3.5 stars; A Way Out - 3.5 stars; Where the Goats Are - 3 stars]

Starfield: Putting this one down here at the bottom so I don't start this list out with complaining lol. Anyway the fact this game was nominated for Best RPG at the game awards tells me they don't play some of the games they nominate lol. I don't think I've ever had an experience like this game gave me. I somehow played 30 hours, and had a great time, before realizing it was bad. Nothing happened in the story to stop me, there wasn't suddenly a new gameplay mechanic that I didn't agree with. There was just something in the glamour of those 30 hours that got me. Maybe it was the father figure referring to me with neutral pronouns. But anyway I guess I just came to my senses. I took a break to play something different, came back, and it was an entirely different game. The overworld is barren. They expect you to explore hundreds of plants that have nothing on them besides some minerals and animals you scan. These are laaaaarge swaths of time spent running back and forth in near silence, because not only is there next to nothing meaningful to interact with on these worlds, your companion repeats the same 5 quips the entire time. There are no tools to traversing the overworld more quickly, so you are running for thousands of kilometers so you can scan a useless monument and get 20XP. There is no incentive to exploring, there is no incentive to doing anything other than fast-traveling to your next destination--until the game stops you for not having the appropriate ship parts installed, and you realize it's going to be a 5 hour grind to upgrade that part. Looking back at those 30 hours I enjoyed, this was all still there, but idk man, idk. For this amount of content this should have only been a $30 game, MAX, and they sell it for $70. But I bought it for $70, so who is the real chump here. I think the only thing I truly enjoyed (besides Sam Coe) was the mission 'Entangled', where you are unwillingly forced between two alternate universes, due to an experiment in a research facility. It sits right on the cusp of horror, between one universe where the research facility exploded and nature took it back, and another where the explosion never happened. There is drama, intrigue, decisions, exploration, everything. Nothing else in the game came close at all to touching that and I'm mad I spent so long before realizing it. Who wrote this mission, so I can thank you?

Music (and the lyrics that make it)

My complete 2023 favorites Spotify playlist

Favorite albums: Preacher's Daughter by Ethel Cain Slut Pop by Kim Petras Guard Dog by Searows I Let It in and It Took Everything by Loathe Heavy Glow by Soulkeeper

Individual tracks and my favorite lyric: Master & A Hound by Gregory Alan Isakov 'Where were you when I was still kind?' Sun Bleached Flies by Ethel Cain 'If it's meant to be then it will be.' Don't Keep Driving by The Paper Kites 'There's nothing wrong with a little space. But not right now; don't leave.' Honey Dripping Sky by Georgia 'No matter how hard we try, I won't deny--it's for you.' Coming Clean by Searows 'If I kill you would I have to forgive you still?' Francesca by Hozier 'I’d tell them put me back in it. [Darling,] I would do it again.'

TV and Movies

I am severely illiterate when it comes to movies so the goal this year was to have watched at least one movie a week. Did I succeed,Future Me? [Yeah!]

Kingsman: Secret Service and :Golden Circle - 5 and 4 stars The cinematography?? The choreography? Hello? Across both movies, they were all so incredible. While Secret Service was my favorite of the two, Golden Circle had my favorite fight (though the church scene is a clooooose second)(Pedro Pascal I love you):

Gentlemen Bronco - 2 stars This movie was dull as shit BUT, it had one of my favorite scenes of the year.

Knock at the Cabin - 3.5 stars Just wanna put this one here real quick to get the Worms out--what was the point? Narratively, what was the point? I have been rolling this movie around my head since I watched last night and I'm hoping to read the book soon for better context, but man. While I enjoyed this movie a lot I just do not follow the themes, more so considering the ending. Was it a fight against providence and predetermination, only to prove its own point? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few (Mr. Spock)? I can't tell exactly what this movie was asking me. As a rule I generally don't enjoy stories where the psychos are proved right with no closer examination of the themes and circumstances. Like yeah the MCs being a gay couple framed the story differently but that is also just a side effect of having distinctive characters lmao. It also insulated some sacrificial-minority stuff? Weird. And asks no questions about fate or anything, which is a wild loop considering Andrew's previous history with Redmond (a red herring? However I feel if the intro of a red herring completely recontextualizes the larger possibilities of the world, then it's not a good red herring, it's lazy). Ultimately I understand a theme is save your family or save humanity--it's on the DVD cover lol. But yeah man idk. All the other stuff, it made for a weird soup that I just cannot decipher. Anyway. EDIT: I have since read the source novel and it was incredible. I will not be watching any more Shyamalan movies lmao

Pacific Rim - 5 stars I also don't have anything much deeper to say about this than gotTDAMN dude, what a good fucking movie. I decided to watch because of all the Pacific Rim AUs that take place in fandom, and I decided I finally needed to know why and I DO know why now because good lord. What a good movie. That said the sequel was a hot pile.

The Arrival - 3 stars The way this movie had my heart racing the entire time--and shat it all away at the immediate end. Pure whiplash. "You know what surprised me the most? It wasn't meeting them. It was meeting you." What kind of straight nonsense. What kind of anticlimactic. What kind of bullshit. I was immediately snapped to my senses, I'm not over exaggerating. Insanity.

Unmentioned, in alphabetical order: [After Yang - 4 stars; Assassin's Creed (2016) - 2 stars; Asteroid City - 4 stars; Barbie - 4 stars; Begotten (1990) - 2 stars; Bullet Train - 4 stars; Come and See (1985) - 3 stars; Dead Poets Society - 3 stars; El Dorado - 3 stars; Grave Encounters - 3 stars; The Green Knight - 4 stars; The Hateful Eight - 5 Stars; IT and IT: Chapter 2 - 4 stars; Jennifer's Body - 3 stars; King of the Hill (all 13 seasons) - episode determinate; Knives Out - 5 stars; Knives Out: Glass Onion - 2 stars; Labyrinth - 2 stars; Lady Bird - 3 stars; Lake Mungo - 3 stars; The Lighthouse - 3 stars; Mad Max: Fury Road - 3 stars; The Magnificent Seven (1960) - 4 stars; The Magnificent Seven (2016) - 3.5 stars; Martyr (2008) - 3 stars; Matrix - 3 stars; Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions - 1 star; The Menu - 4 stars; Midnight Mass - 4 stars; My Own Private Idaho - 3 stars; NOPE - 4 stars; Once Upon a Time in the West - DNF; Possum - 3 stars; The Power of the Dog - 3 stars; RE: Damnation, Death Island, Degeneration, Infinite Darkness, and Vendetta - 3 stars; Saltburn - 3.5 stars; Seven Samurai (1954) - 3 stars; The Shape of Water - 4.5 stars; Skinamarink - 3 stars; Star Trek: The Motion Picture - 2.5 stars; ST: Search for Spock and ST: Voyage Home - 4 stars; ST: The Wrath of Khan - 4.5 stars; The Thing (1982) - 3 stars; The Thing From Another World (1951) - 3 stars; Tideland (2005) - 2 stars; Unforgiven - 4 stars; The VVitch - 3 stars]

Favorite Books

The Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez - 5 stars I have never EVER in my life read a book like this one, and I urge everyone to give it a try. Two men must escort a dying god across the country in order to stop the control of her tyrannical children. If you aren't digging the book, at least try and make it 100 pages in. The beginning, like every chunky fantasy, is a bit of a tough learning experience, and the uniqueness of the prose didn't exactly make it an easier task. However, it makes it extremely lyrical and poetic, and intriguing. The entire package is mind-blowingly unique. AND it ends happily, if that makes you feel better.

To Be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers - 5 stars My thoughts on this little story aren't overly complex or anything, I just found the setting very nice, the B plot concerning Earth interesting, and the ambiguous ending intriguing. While the events might be a little harrowing it was the hopeful attitude of the prose and characters that made it very comforting nonetheless. I loved the experience while I was reading it, and think about the ending now, even all these months after reading.

The Sleeping Car Porter by Suzette Mayr - 4 stars A black sleep car porter tries to keep his job and his sanity after their train is stopped by a mudslide. Before this I can say I'd never read anything in this setting before, and it was what drew me in initially, but it was the writing that really captivated me. The narrative has a very intimate feeling, nostalgic almost, as if you're hearing the story secondhand even as you read. It's also refreshing when a book just says 'cock', and no extra-curricular euphemisms. Where's that video of Taron Egerton saying cock over and over btw cause I can't find it

The Magpie Coffin by Wile E Young - 4 stars The first in a collection of splatterpunk westerns?? It was so fun to read, and the cover is so badass. It knew what it was and it did so well.

In the Distance by Hernan Diaz - 4 stars A young Swedish boy, separated from his brother, fends for himself in the early USA west. I was on hold for this through my library for nearly a month and a half, so by the time I got it in my grubby hands my exciting was pretty high. Though I found much of it slow, I was still somehow on the edge of my seat. It's a crime that this was the Pulitzer runner-up, and that Less by Andrew Greer won instead. It's been a very very long time since I've felt so strongly about the well-being and outcome of a character but Hakan if you're out there--I love you.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - 5 stars

Nothing to add to this decade long conversation other than this holds up :’) I was gasping like I was in high school again, reading it for the first time.

Honorable mentions, in alphabetical order by author last name: [A Psalm for the Wild Built and A Prayer for the Crown Shy by Becky Chambers - 4 stars; How to Sell a Haunted House by Grady Hendrix - 4 stars; Texas Outlaw by Richard Jessup - 4 stars; Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie - 4 stars; Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - 4 stars; Helpmeet by Naben Ruthnum - 4 stars; The Power of the Dog by Thomas Savage - 4 stars; East of Eden by John Steinbeck - 5 stars; The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay - 4.5 stars]

LEAST Favorite Books

I'm nothing if not a hater so I wanted to give some space to the books I most disliked.

Less by Andrew Sean Greer - DNF SAUR upset that this won the Pulitzer prize of its year instead of In The Distance by Hernan Diaz. 100 pages into it and I could not find anything redeeming about the main character. Pretentious, bitter. Like maybe that was his arc? He would outgrow that maybe. But it was just not the book nor the characters for me, unfortunately, so I did not stick around long enough for that to happen.

Bath Haus by PJ Vernon - DNF WHEW boy was the writing in this one bad. Like yall ever read a queer book and just know it was written for straight people? Let me find a picture I took of one paragraph.

Yikes and a half, dude. Anyway

Meat by Joseph D'Lacey - 1 star This was just plain bad. Like 'Oh isn't it so crazy they're eating people?? They're treating people like cattle, that's so demented right??' No. Not really. There's cannibalism in the cannibalism genre? Get a grip. I live near Donner Pass, we got cannibalism in the water here. Although maybe I'm also partially to blame for expecting some deeper storytelling from splatterpunk.

The Troop by Nick Cutter - 2 stars I don't know that I have anything really critical to say about this book other than I just didn't enjoy it. Writing was fine, prose was fine. It's told a bit out of order, think Carrie by Stephen King--snippets of interviews and articles detailing the aftermath of the events of the book. I do remember thinking that the facts were contradicting themselves a few times but was really not invested enough to care too deeply. The isolated, abandoned feeling we get from the island was nice, and the atmosphere good, I just don't believe Nick Cutter is a good writer. A bit too many slurs in here as well, methinks.

Books I DNF'd: With 15 in total this was the year of DNFing for me; it's amazing was Prozac can do for a person. (Disclaimer: I've only listed 13 of them here. The other two had to go back to the library before I could finish them so I marked them as technical DNFs :( and it doesn't feel right to include them in this list for haters)

Bath Haus by PJ Vernon (explained above) The Singularities by John Banville (nothing offensive, just didn't vibe. Books will often try way too hard on the opening paragraph and I'm not here for a philosophy lesson as I crack open a book you know what I mean) Heartless by Marissa Meyer (I just don't think YA does it for me anymore) There's Someone Inside Your House by Stephanie Perkins (" ") If We Were Villains by ML Rio (I just don't like being lectured and this book was clearly written for someone who wasn't me lol) Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter (I find that a lot of times thrillers written by women employ stereotypes against men and their 'perverse' sexual tastes. The lines between pornography/fantasy and reality don't seem as nuanced in this genre, unfortunately. A man is not immediately a villain because he enjoys CNC or roleplay, and the pearl clutching is a little tired) Campfire Cooking in Another World by Ren Eguchi (why is every light novel like this:

The Lies of Locke Lamore by Scott Lynch (this was too quippy for my tastes. It was a little too busy being clever and not busy enough being interesting.) Less by Andrew Greer (Mean Gays, the next Tina Fay movie) Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey (just wasn't my cuppa) Riders of the Purple Sage by Zane Grey (I read a review that counted how many times Zane Grey used 'sage' in this book. I don't remember the number but there was a lot of them. Too much mormanism going on, just wasn't my cuppa) The Cold Dish by Craig Johnson (only alright, not bad but wasn't going anywhere fast. More of a character focused, soft bit of mystery, which was fine, I just didn't find myself enjoying the characters either) Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett (I just wasn’t vibing you know how it is)

2023 Reading Statistics

I also keep a track of the pages read and ratings, as well as genre, where I read the book and in what format, so I'll put that here too for posterity's sake. And If you'd like, I use GoodReads, and we can be friends!

62 books read 18,217 pages in total 3.25 average star rating 19 (30.6%) of the books read were owned; 43 (69.4%)(nice) were from the library 14 (75.8%) were physical books; 12 (19.4%) were ebooks; 3 (4.8%) were audiobooks

That's it! I don't make reading goals anymore, in terms of how many to read, but I do know I want to TRY and read the copy of Battle Royal I've had since my junior year of high school. And I'd like to try and finish the Tsubasa manga series, since I never made it past volume 15 I think. I can't think of anything other than that! It was a good year!

[butchviking]

I have special interests very intensely for sometimes years then I can feel them slipping away. It's a horrible feeling & it makes me feel lost.

I'm still mourning the weeks of trying to play Minecraft and it just wasn't working to make me happy anymore. I felt like a robot operating through the motions. I was going strong almost daily for 6 years. I still haven't filled the void & it's been about 6 months. u_u I'll get it back I'm sure. I hope soon because I want my minecraft routine back very badly.

For reference, no autism. I'm diagnosed with adhd though. I also have a lot of autistic friends who I love to bully and harass and subject to my torment (just kidding I don't love to bully them. I do it for the good of humanity(jk i love my friends))

i think sometimes an interest or hobby just needs a little rest - there are shows i used to wtch every single day and eventually i had like. every line of every episode memorised and they stopped packing the same punch. some of them i never really got back and just watch now n then and that's ok, and some of them, after a little rest, still move me as much as ever and mean as much to me as they ever did. i have to ban myself from listening to the black parade album too often bc i know i'll overdo it and wear it out, but every time i do listen to it it still blows my head off like holy shit that was really a fucking masterpiece huh. i mean i used to be crazy never-talk-about-anything-else obsessed with mcr when i was like 10/11 and i rested that one for a whole decade and a half before the return tour activated me like some sort of sleeper agent and i became exactly as insufferable as i ever was all over again. i'm sure u will get ur passion back <3 or if not, perhaps you'll discover a new passion that can be part of a new routine!

btw this is gonna sound nitpicky i know it is but 2 be clear 'special interest' does actually refer to autistic ppl and their interests. i mean u can call ur interests what u want i guess but if u use that phrasing people are absolutely going to assume u are talking about the autistic experience bc that's what that phrase was coined to describe. idk when ppl stopped simply describing themselves as 'obsessed with [x]' but i think we should bring that back

[krshush]

If you haven't watched Mushishi btw I highly recommend! even when I haven't finished it yet. Particularly good for a chill watch. I hesitate to call it an easy watch because sometimes what it posits with its little creatures and stories is. haunting? Fucked up? But other times is soft or sad or at least bittersweet.

Also if you are like me and love faerie lore and vibes, it plays a LOT in that space, of missing time and lost ways and consequences for unheeded advice. The sound design is also genuinely So Fucking Good, it's kind of insane w/headphones.

It's also made of capsule episodes? As you watch more and more in order, you pick up more and more about the world, and it rewards youa bit for paying attention, but there's not a constant overarching plot to worry about. Protagonist Ginko is just traveling, helping people afflicted by little spirits while trying to keep the balance between said spirits and humanity. Sometimes he barely even shows up. Sometimes there's not even anything he can do, he's just put in a Situation. By this point, I get scared when it seems like a main plot hook could be kicking up frankly but then, Ginko is kind of made up of anime death flags imo so I have right to be scared I digress

Idk it's just! In my head rn and I adore it! Gonna go rb more posts perhaps.

[yume-fanfare]

I pitch you: tbhk/enstars crossover/AU/Stageplay Idea call it whatever.

So the Aoi Twins in the roles of Tsukasa and Amane, which one is which is still up for debate. Nene has no counterpart yet I will have to think on that. btw I'm still thinkinga bouot the coffeeshop AU you sent me once. Torikasa as Mitsukou and Eichi would be the Teru role in this with Tori being the dead one and Tsukasa being a very young and eager exorcist (doesn't really fit but consider. I really want to see Eichi in a Teru position), Alternatively you can have hiiai or so in there with Rinne occupying the Teru role that'd work too but I'm still hung up on Akane and Aoi because they're so connected to Nene and chosing them would limit those possibilities in a way I don't feel like figuring out right now. oh yeah Tatsumi and Kaname also work in the Mitsukou roles but I'm not sure who'd get the Teru in that one... BeeMeru maybe. I have not thought this through at all I just thought the concept would be fun so most of this stops working out when you the sheer size of that cast and interpersonal dynamics of it all

eichi is so terucore i need to see him on a teru role so bad. like he's already like that with tori kinda down to the "you're too weak to inherit the family business"/"you're too immature to be trusted with my business matters". characters i need to put in a box

and tsukasaaaaa tsukasa is indeed so bright-eyed newbie-coded. he still is, in a way. but with the way he's also very stuck in his Honor ways it'd be interesting to see him in such a situation too

i think aoikane should be one of enstars insane pairs of childhood friends that's kind of their charm point. who in enst is deranged enough to achieve that jump from comic relief to genuinely heart-clenching couple. maybe rtmo could do it but putting ritsu in anything is a complex endeavor. but mao Is in the student council with eichi there is some stuff you could do there if you reverse a few roles........

hiiai have The mitsukou dynamic ive been sayinggg, just with lower stakes. at the same time i feel bad about putting anyone in mitsuba's position because that means So Much Trauma. though there have been Instances in which they have this strong tetohina energy lately (and it's only partly the suicidal ideation,) but yea assigning anyone as hinata comes with a whole lot of other stuff. i can totally see tetora as kou though..... and maybe teru as chiaki would check out yeah they too have that whole responsibility thing going on (<-has yet to read comet show. and climax). kaname though. kaname has Been There. i haven't read obbligato either but i can see it...............

but yeah this doesn't work as much if you think about it too hard. UNLESS. seb have you read the bakeneko ryoukan hanakotei au. the mitsukou spirited away au. detective himeru.................. 2wink hanako and tsukasa.......... i think in this case. both could be very interesting to be "secretly a human". also torikasa are the arranged political marriage of course because im me. tempted as well to say that tmhj are the "childhood friends planning to propose who accidentally dropped and lost the ring" because it's silly. i also want to say wataru inn owner and eichi rich guy who accidentally wandered in as a kid and has been trying to meet wataru again ever since because it is. a Vibe. no idea who i want to spirit away mitsukou-fashion because they all sound like good choices but yea open to suggestions

[wuika]

Yooooo I just saw your newest piece and its legit the best fanart of anything I've ever seen 😭 You captured emotions and expression perfectly, I wanna print this shit and put on my wall but honestly just looking at it makes me wanna cry

Will you please make more art of Iorweth? He's my favourite character from TW2

Btw you know what's really sad? In The Witcher universe, elves have nothing. They're dying out, everything their race achieved has crumbled into dust. They aren't let into most taverns, they can't go outside without worrying that someone might drag them to the gallows for fun. They're a proud race with nothing left to be proud of except for the only thing humans haven't taken away from them - their perfect beauty that still inspires legends. So when Iorweth lost his eye, he lost everything he had left which wasn't much to begin with

Sorry for rambling, it's late 😅 I just found your blog and I pray and hope to god you make more art of Iorweth

Hey, thanks a lot. Your words mean a lot to me. You're so sweet. It's messages like yours that encourage me to keep going. 💚💚💚

I have no plans to do Iorweth again soon. But I'm sure I'll do it again. He's also my favorite character in The Witcher. Even though I haven't played the games much and it's been a long time. And I really enjoyed doing this artwork of him.

What you say about elves is so true. 😭 I can see why the Scoia'tael hate humans.

Thanks again for your support. It makes me happy.

(Sorry for my bad English. I'm on automatic translator.) ^^'

[melishade]

for your recent ask game about attack on prime: optimus + 13 :^

i wanna know his happiest memory because i know itll make me sob violently

This ask game btw

Any time that Optimus is showing the Survey Corps, specifically the 104th something new, makes him genuinely happy. Not just because of his desire to share knowledge, but because they fucking deserve it.

Being on Earth, Optimus doesn't know anything about humans and how they grow up, or how they are supposed to act in a moment of peace. I'd like to imagine the introduction of Jack, Miko, and Rafael into their base provided some insight on how humans are supposed to act. Specifically human children. Optimus would sometimes quietly observe when no one was thinking he was and he just sees Miko playing her guitar and Jack and Rafael dancing along. Maybe Rafael will race his toy car, or Jack will try to beat Miko at a video. They do homework or even have sleepovers at the base. These are the normal lives that they are leading, and the last thing Optimus wants is to lose to have that taken away from them and all other humans alike.

So when Optimus sees the Survey Corps, it breaks his spark a little to see that they don't have that. They haven't had that in a long time. Even if the Walls weren't destroyed in the past, they were still confined to the Walls. They couldn't go anywhere else. Even before and after the fall of Wall Maria, they just been so traumatized. They've all lost friends, parents, loved ones in horrific fashion. They aren't children like Jack, Miko, and Rafael. They are hardened soldiers with a duty to fulfill, and they shouldn't have to put themselves on the line so much to get that semblance of peace they lost.

So when Optimus shows the Survey Corps something that they've never seen before, like the hologram on the neutral ship, or the bioluminescence plankton in the ocean, and he sees their faces and their reactions or joy and child-like wonder, it makes him happy. Because they are experiencing this joy and normality that they have always deserved for all the hardships that they went through.

(Story link is in the bio)