#btw that app is honestly atrocious to use

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Jimin is fucking amazing.

[l-tora-l-archived]

HELLO CUTIE WHATS UR MAIN BLOG, SHARE PLS XOXO

HIIII sorry for taking like ten centuries to respond to this but like tbh ;; Im quitting tumblr I think. (ALSO UNI PLS IGNORE THIS LOL ITS MAINLY FOR EVERYONE ELSE CAUSE I ALR TOLD YOU ID POST THIS HAHA😭🙏)

Mega explanation under the cut talking abt some of the trashy behaviour I've had to experience on this forsaken app over the years, but mostly how I feel about it so yeah if you don't care that's alr hope everyone has a good life, cause as I said I quit.

I deleted the new blog I ended up making bc this environment has never really been welcoming to me and I can 100% say that tumblr has actively made my experiences with practically everything irl AND online worse than any fruitful goodness it has or could ever bring. From putting my everything into relationships including comfort, support and psychological + therapeutic sessions for people even over ten yrs older than me (at times older) without even getting a single kind thought back, to the genuine rudeness of some people, to the (excuse my language) but half assed and crude responses I receive ... honestly the list is endless.

One thing I'm trying to get better at is to notice when my presence is clearly not wanted and act accordingly. It's just saddening that the one place where it's encouraged to be your true "nerdy" self, as the catchphrase of this site is, I am not allowed to be just that. I really do wonder what part of me is so incredibly intolerable or forgettable, that I am expected to practically grovel for even ten minutes of people's time - and that's with the closest people I know, forget abt ten minutes for regular conversation I can't even get ten minutes from the people I stood with through thick and thin with, even though I myself struggle really hard to be there and yet always am.

From now on I'll just say that no I will definitely not come back, I will also not use this account and if I ever DO come back it would probably just be a call out thread on SOME people who deserve jail time more than silly time on tumblr dot come /hj (but not rlly hj hahejdsj this is so srs and continues to impact my life after almost 2 years ... but ugh what.ever.😀👍). But I'm also a coward ngl so like that would never happen !

I would say "oh btw I have this account you can keep in touch on ! :>" but truthfully, I am so let down by how uninteractive, uncaring and exclusionary everyone is no matter how hard I try to do the best I can to treat others how I'd love to be treated, and how I basically am sweating to keep convos going, bc in truth I don't think anyone rlly likes me enough here or anywhere really to even want to talk to me in general, so I'll spare you all that. The proof is literally in the fact that I've amassed a sizeable following which I am shocked with, yet despite it all I feel so lonely bc nobody even bothers with me at all whilst ppl who just start out get 50 best friends in such a short time frame. I see I am not everyone's cup of tea.

I once thought maybe just maybe I could have a good time online just how everyone suggests that online is better than irl and it is a reprieve for some. Looks like I am eternally unlucky bc how is online on par or perhaps even worse than irl for me ? And make no mistake irl is atrocious to me too.

I do not mean this to be passive aggressive but I just want to communicate my thoughts. If I was being passive aggressive that'd imply that I knew that everyone here was capable of treating me as I wanted, as I have consistently treated my "friends" on here, as a reciprocated effort. But as this thread suggests, that was and can never be a reality for me.

TLDR // not coming back bc :

People genuinely don't care or don't put in any effort at all

Bullies (mean ppl way at the beginning of my account) + I am let down how everyone let TWO whole adults get away with being weird to a then minor (me) right in front of your faces

Very traumatised and uncomfortable being on this app to the point I can barely even socialise at all from the precipitating impacts.

Hope everyone has a good life.

[collectionbelladonna]

one day at a time.

I know what I have to do to turn my life around. I know that I'll have to make sacrifices and I'm willing to do so, I just wish it didn't feel like I'm scraping my way into a black hole. I owe so much money it's painful. I'm not out of any of my debt and I'm accruing interest like no one's business. It really sucks when I can't afford to do anything I want to do, or anything I planned to do. I'm trying to make some money on the side but it's slow going. I've only ever sold three paintings in my life and this one (while worth the most) is being sold to my sister. I fear she won't actually pay for the painting and will want is as a gift. I'm going to charge $300 for it. I'm spending a lot of time and a lot of effort on this thing when I also have a dozen other projects I'm intending to work on.

Suffice to say, I have a lot of work to do. I plan on doing a no-spend month. Starting yesterday, I am not going to spend a single dollar that isn't extremely essential. Namely, gas. I am not going to drive anywhere except work for the next two weeks. I have faked being sick the last couple of days to avoid having to drive anywhere. My car needs gas desperately and I have some cash to cover it, but only it. I can't afford anything other than gas right now. Until I get paid again on the 21st, I'm shit out of luck. And I refuse to ask Hutch for more help. He's already paid my car insurance (which I thankfully cut in half earlier this month), but I do not want him to pay for anything else if I can avoid it. I already life for free under this roof. I pay for my bills and little else. I've been the one who's decorated our apartment, and I pay for majority of the TV subscriptions we use on a regular basis, but other than that I don't pay for anything. Rent, utilities, groceries (most of the time) are completely covered by Hutch. And it sucks when I'm left feeling like I can't do anything but pay for bills. I need to start saving my money. As soon as this next paycheck comes through, I'm paying for my government loan, and putting $300 into my savings. Every second paycheck I think I can do that. Logically, I should have around $975 left over once all bills and expected expenses go through. So where has that money gone? Well, I was atrocious in August. I spent so far over my means it's actually embarrassing. Now my credit card is maxed out, I'm late on one loan, and I'm barely scraping by for this month. I am paying for my recklessness. I shouldn't have flown to Louisiana. I shouldn't have splurged so much on coffee. I also shouldn't have spent so much on supplies for the Renaissance fair costume I'm making for Hutch (which I have yet to start, btw.) I made such poor decisions that I am suffering now because of them.

So, to combat this, I've decided to do a no-spend month this month. Which means what isn't already allocated for bills and/or the single going-out day I have planned, I am not spending a dime. I've unsubscribed to most of the subscriptions I had. I am not planning on going anywhere but work. I have to get my car inspected and renew my registration, but other than that, I'm doing *nothing*. I'm not paying for coffee, I'm not going to Walmart or Target unnecessarily, I'm not going to Adele's every other weekend like I used to (only to spend so much money in gas and food), and I'm certainly not going to do any online shopping. No Amazon, no app purchases, nothing. I am going to fix this situation if it's the last thing I do. I have to be more disciplined if we ever expect to move in a house or if I expect to be able to take care of myself without needlessly needing Hutch's financial help.

I can do this. Honestly I need to. I don't have much choice in the matter because my entire situation has been nothing short of embarrassing for years. And it ends now. It ends with me saying enough. It ends with me finally seeing the light that I can live a good and fulfilling life without all the extra crap in the way. I can do this.