#btw I made a mistake which is why I took the vent post down 30 minutes after I posted it

[waywardsunlight]

Girlies when they say they're not your friend anymore because you have normal tame opinions + got anxious once but keep sending anon messages and reading your blog to get the last word. :)

[dontcallmekoda]

Depression is stupid

So I’m gonna start by saying i literally made a new account because I have friends on my old one (which i haven't posted on in years btw) that i don’t really want to see this.

Well lets get into it

I was diagnosed, while in the military, with chronic depression.  I’ve gone through counseling, tried natural supplements, and even been on medication but everything only seems to work temporarily.  No matter what i seem to do it always comes back. Counseling was my favorite of the three because with the other 2 it felt like i was corking the problem and not attempting to resolve it.  Now i haven’t been to a counselor in a few years as I’ve been able to keep it at bay with good habits (eating better, getting adequate sleep, taking time for socializing, etc.) however I knew I’d still need to deal with it I’m just doing my best to minimize it.  With that being said I’m noticing the patterns of it coming on again and that scares me because depression has made me do some stupid things in the past and I do not want to ruin where i have got myself to.  I have a good job, a nice truck, a good relationship with both my parents (which was not always the case) and frankly i found myself truly happy with how far i have come but i want to continue moving forward which is why i made this account to vent about the stupid things I’m doing as to not let them fester in my mind overthinking them dozens of times.

So one of my first signs actually has to do with my interactions with the opposite sex.  I’ve never been any kind of womanizer or fuck boy for that matter but when i start to notice a decline the first thing i start to want is an orgasm. Although,when you are Poly and single that can be pretty hard to obtain, also add in the fact that I’m not really a charmer and I’ve always been the weirdo of the group and that leads to me having only really ever had 2 sexual relationships.  Now wanting to have an orgasm i feel is pretty natural the dopamine helps stabilize to keep you from feeling so down you cant do anything so i usually end up masturbating but that can tend to be like eating bread when you want a sandwich.  Anyways I still usually try and find someone to hookup with or start a relationship with at this time which is hard because a hookup would have to be a friend or someone i already have some sort of connection with and i believe that has lead to quite a few female acquaintances distancing themselves because of the way i acted and i always seem to regret that when i get my head back on straight.  A relationship however isn’t better because I’m usually rushing past all the red flags and putting myself into a shitty situation in which i end up hurting the other person due to my lack of perception in the early part of the relationship.  Even though this process normally starts because of my problems i always end up blaming myself and making my condition worse because of my urges and it honestly saddens me that there are many awesome people who will probably only remember me as a fuck boy that tried to get into their pants at one point.

Now obviously there are two threads from here the one where i was with someone and the one where i was by myself.  I’d like to dive into the relationship thread first as that has never worked out the way i hoped (see Single above) now i have gone through my lows in both romantic relationships and each had a different outcome due to having different partners so ill go through each individually.  My first was definitely my first love we spent so much time together that we basically lived together at least 18 months of our 2 years together.  She was with me through basic and it was after basic that my depression really hit me hard (uncorked my medication while in service and i was basically told i wasnt good enough for military even though i had perfect scores through basic) and she stayed and helped me through that.  We stayed together for almost a full year after basic until i was fired from not 1 but 2 jobs.  The firings killed my confidence and i was so low that i didn’t want to drag my love down with me and distanced myself.  One thing led to another and eventually she left me for someone else who she is still happy with today.  Now on to relationship number 2 and this one was a little different as it started with me already in a depression.  It had been 5 years since me and my previous girlfriend had broken up and i was pretty down.  I lived with 2 actors who could bring girls in just about whenever they wanted and that led me to compare myself to them can be pretty degrading when they start talking numbers and while theirs are in the 20s and 30s and you have to sit back like well at least I’m not a virgin.  Enter my second girlfriend who was very obviously into me and i jumped into it like a recovering junkie.  It took me about 2 weeks to establish a connection with her and then when i was comfortable and able we did the deed and i started to feel better about myself little by little as my confidence grew so did my performance at work and thus came raises and i was able to buy my new-ish truck and cross that off my bucket list.  With everything that was going on i fell in love with this girl not for who she was but who she had helped me become and now that i look back that feels very selfish of me.  It then became my goal to help her in whatever way i could as she had anxiety that affected her very harshly.  I did everything i could but started to feel overbearing and like help wasn’t what she wanted.  After time all the red flags that had been there since the beginning started choking me like a bad scarf of my own design.  She started turning on me for helping her and when i decided to leave she threatened to kill herself for it.  Seeing how toxic the relationship had become i left but i feel like if i had been more coherent in the beginning i wouldn’t have hurt her as bad.

Now on to the second thread of being single.  The ebb and flow is pretty common as the vast majority of the time i have been single.  We’ll start this thread from after i have already hit the depression and then move to the effects (note: many of these symptoms i go through in relationship too its just how i handled them that changes).  I begin by spending less time following my good habits usually my personal care declines (stop showering everyday, don’t get enough sleep, eat like crap, etc.) then it starts affecting my job, i make little mistakes which i get harder and harder on myself about the gremlin in my head (who doesn’t pay rent) starts telling me how worthless i am and how i can never live up to anyone standards even my own and whatnot. Next i begin to distance myself from friends and family feeling like i’m a burden and that people are faking how they feel about me.  I then lose the ability to focus on just about anything even worse than normal (adhd too yay).  Finally, i begin to lash out at anyone who kept close and usually end up quitting my job and getting stuck like this for months.  In the past this has led to me losing the ability to work many places in my city,  tarnishing relationships especially those of my parents in the past, weight gain, less self confidence than when i started, and eventually me somehow getting out of the hole usually through a new job or friendship or something else random.  The results of these has led to me having 13 jobs in the last 7 years and i have probably chased off more friends than some people have had.

Anyways this has been my rant on why depression is stupid.  I would like to say i did not come here and write this looking for help I came to vent my frustrations of my own chemical imbalance.  To anyone who has decided to take the time to read this feel free to send me any questions as i enjoy talking about my struggle if it helps someone else all in all that is the one thing that has always made me feel better is when i can be a light for one persons darkness and so i ask if you are also in a dark place reach out because it cant help the person helping you just as much...if that makes sense

[oliverfiles]

You were wrong.

Remember back when you told me I had to block, delete and stop talking to my ex all together because I was hurt over the break-up?

Our break-up was not bitter, it wasn’t because someone cheated/wanted to cheat. We honestly still loved and cared about each other, which is what made it so terribly painful for both of us. It was just due to our lives and circumstances, it would have never worked out. They only came to that realization before I did or maybe I knew, but was deeply in denial about it.

Just to give you a general update of things; we still talk a couple times a month, to catch up with each other. Yes, we did have a lot of painful conversations that NEEDED to be had. There was no way either of us could grow as individuals if things were left unsaid. If I had just blocked them, quit speaking all together, as you suggested numerous times, I would not have known mistakes I made and they would not have known mistakes they made either. This way, we can move on to new relationships and not make those same mistakes again. Yes, it was very painful, yes I got extremely depressed (which, btw, is really understandable, even if we didn’t talk ever again), but I’d like to think I’ve come out of things a better person because we both communicated AFTER we had broken up.

But what did I learn when you ditched me? I learned to be careful who I put my trust into; especially someone who doesn’t know how to communicate how they feel, who is so quick to block someone out of their lives simply due to mistakes and misunderstandings without even trying to talk about things first.

Now, I’m not denying mistakes I made during my trip to see you. Like the water flicking thing; I flicked water at you, you said stop, any time that anyone ever says that about something annoying that I’ve done, I have a compulsive need to do it just one more time. It’s like an itch you have to scratch and my body goes automatic and I have to do it just once more and I have no idea why I do it, but I do it to every one. I think the fact that I found it funny is because I’d known you 8 years and it was something about you that I didn’t know, especially since I’d seen videos of you at Summer camp with your students getting blasted with water guns, water cannons, etc and smiling through it. And when I say, “I found it funny,” I don’t mean laughing at you or finding your phobias and anxieties amusing, it was just like “whoa, I didn’t know that! I thought this dude was bulletproof~” (metaphorically speaking).

Playing on your PC; I guess I was a little confused on this one because you hyped up the fact that when I was there visiting you, you wanted me to play a lot of games on your computer since you knew my PC at home was bad, you wanted me to see how great PC gaming can look and feel. You wanted me to play PUBG and I did 2 times, I did terrible and gave up on it. I played Minecraft that one night with your friends. After that, you kept your PC off to lock me out of it. Despite what you think, I only tried to turn it on 1 single time and it was just by tapping the Space bar and moving your mouse because I thought it was asleep, when it didn’t come on, I gave up and didn’t try again. I spent most of my free time on my tablet or phone, in your living room, by myself... because you were in your room, on your phone, being angry with me, I guess.

Not offering to help wash the dishes the one night you cooked; It was my first evening there, I was in a new environment, I felt awkward and anxious. You asked for my plate, I handed it to you, I didn’t shove it into your hand as you walked by, I have never and would never do that to anyone. It’s also something that happens in my house, we will take the dishes to the kitchen for each other if we’re the first to get up, I didn’t think twice about it. I also didn’t know you were going to wash the dishes right afterwards and I would have gladly tried to help if you had told me you wanted or desired my help. Don’t say I should have known to help because that’s not how my brain works, I have to tell my Mom that every time she says, “you should be able to tell when [xyz] needs to be done!” because I don’t, I just don’t realize stuff like that, I HAVE to be told and reminded to do things. Even if your kitchen did seem a bit cramped to have a tall skinny guy and a short fat guy huddled around the sink to scrub 2 pans, 2 plates and the silverware. Yes, I did get on your PC when you were in the kitchen, it wasn’t the second you took my plate because I remember being observant of you in the kitchen for a bit first. It was because I still felt anxious and awkward, not sure what to say or do. So, I got up and did what made me feel comfortable, which was just to scroll around on the internet for a little bit.

Being loud that one night on Discord while playing Minecraft with your friends; I’m sorry if I was loud, I was talking very softly on discord because you were going to bed at 10:30 and I was no where near tired enough to sleep. I decided to log on discord on my tablet and see what your friends were up to. They asked if I wanted to play Minecraft with them and I agreed. I don’t know what else I was supposed to do, it was 10:30, I would not have been able to fall asleep for hours after that. Though I wish I was one of those people that could fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, even when I’m dead tired, it can take me an hour or two to fall asleep. I couldn’t watch TV because it would have been louder than me talking and the light of the screen would have flashed right into y’all’s bedroom door. I couldn’t have watched Youtube on my phone or tablet because at that point, I didn’t have your wifi password and didn’t want to blow mine and Mom’s monthly data cap. You and C were in bed so I had no one to talk to or even just sit in silence with so, I turned to your friends to keep me company until I was sleepy. I was trying to be quiet so, I don’t know what loud noises you heard, but again, I’m sorry if my existing in your living room kept you from sleeping.

Not waking up when you were screaming at me to wake up; Apologies for not waking up to sounds, but I’ve been that way my whole life. My mom is the same way, she doesn’t wake up to noises either. We’ve learned my nieces are the same as well so, it must run in the family. You knew that tapping the mattress with your foot would wake me so, I don’t understand why you just didn’t do that every morning instead of wasting your time screaming at my unconscious body.

That one day with the train and you were waiting for me to be ready; This one, you said it bothered you the most and it’s the one that confuses me the most. I showered, I come out of the shower fully clothed, minus shoes. You look me dead in the eye as I come out of the shower and I raise my hand at you because C was laying there and I didn’t know if she was asleep or anything. But to me, the raising of the hand while you looked directly at me being fully clothed, I thought you realized that hey, he’s dressed, he’s probably done getting ready and is ready to go. I go, put my shoes on, sit down and take my phone out to look at it while you do whatever. Before I know it, you’re coming out of your room, looking grumpy and stuff like “why didn’t you come get me?” and I was confused because I thought I signaled to you. I’m sorry that there was a misunderstanding in hand signals, but I thought I let you know already and I didn’t know what you were doing in there so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ [Edit] Also, when you said “how was I supposed to know?” and I said “magic”... it was A JOKE because what else was I supposed to say to that?

You didn’t like how I handled “the N situation”; I’ll be honest in saying that I didn’t know there was a situation with N until she cut ties with me. All I knew is that I liked her, it scared and confused me and I acted weird around her. I made that one mistake on Snapchat (which wasn’t aimed at just her, but w/e no one asked me what I meant or how I felt, it was all just N’s complaining about it) and then beyond that, I feel like N took a lot of things the wrong way. Probably shit I posted here on Tumblr that wasn’t even aimed at anyone that any of you know, always people I have no contact with anymore. Tumblr is the only website where I vent and openly express how I really feel about things that happened to me IN MY PAST. Yes, I asked A how N was doing a lot because I was scared to ask N directly. Why? I liked her, I feared she would find me annoying, that I would bother her, I feared her rejection. But I never tried to start some drama with N, why would I? I liked her FFS. When we played games together, I tried my best to help her with every thing she asked for help with, gave her items she needed if I had them and helped her get them if I didn’t. I was never unkind to N, I never uttered an unkind word to N, I picked on her, yes, but I would never bully her, when she told me to stop with a joke she didn’t like, I respected her feelings and stopped. When I said N was a bad friend, it was AFTER she told me she didn’t want to be friends with me over that one stupid thing and it was that she was a bad friend TO ME, not in-general or anyone else. I’m sorry that I acted stupid around her, said stupid things to her AFTER the fact, but I just didn’t know how to behave like an adult because it hurt me. It was hurt of the breakup on top of hurt from her not wanting to be my friend after I tried my best to be nice to her... It was a punch in the gut that I was told that I wasn’t free to communicate how I felt on an open platform because it was “passive aggressive,” to be alone, self harming and suicidal and all of my friends left my messages on read when I needed them the most, including N. ~ When we were talking about going to Dave N Buster’s on the train home that day, I halfheartedly said that, “I bet N won’t come,” you warned me to drop it, it wasn’t me trying to start drama, it was me wanting her to come and meet me, to hang out and be around her. At that point, even after she told me she didn’t want to be friends, even after everything that happened, I still fucking liked her, like the moron I was. Yes, even after you warned me to drop it, I asked her if she would come and she told me again she didn’t want to be friends, I snapped at her... I was so extremely tired from walking so much over the past week, I was angry that she still felt that way, after trying my best to mend the friendship, I was angry that people kept spouting that I was making “drama” when the only person who was stirring the damn drama pot was N. I was just fucking sick and tired of trying to make things right with her.

I didn’t say Thank You a single time I was there; which I’m pretty sure is BS because I say thank you to everyone for every little thing. If I didn’t, it’s because I was anxious and being quiet. You’ll have to admit that you had a really negative vibe going for you a majority of the time I was there and maybe I felt it somehow. But when, in our 8 years of friendship, did I ever not thank you wholeheartedly for everything you did for me? When was I ever an ungrateful brat who was just out to take advantage of your kindness? You can’t count the times because it never fucking happened. Even when you did nothing, sometimes I would message you just to thank you for being a good friend to me, being there for me, etc. And I am grateful to you, back then and even now, for shaping me into the person I am today. Even if I didn’t always follow your advice, I listened and took it into consideration, but you have to realize that sometimes people just have to make their own decisions/mistakes, even if it annoys you. You also have to realize that I have anxiety and depression and advice that seems like things that are really easy to do might not be easy at all to me.

Anyways, some times I miss you a lot, but I realize you want nothing to do with me so, I respectfully stay away from you and all your friends. Hope you’re doing well though.