#bsflm

[harvey-bluntman]

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE IF YOU HATE ME SO MUCH???

[random-doctor-on-the-internet]

THANKS DAD! LITERALLY THE BEST IN LAW EVER!!!

(it's also the first time in my life that I celebrate Easter and thank you, it genuinely made my day 🥺)

So, now, the important part:

CAN I SUMMON ELDRITCH FORCES SO THAT THEY DO THE HUNT INSTEAD OF ME? THERE'S A PRETTY NICE INCANTATION IN THE "MOSTE DARKETH RITUALS OF NEROTH THE NECROMANCERTH" THAT ONLY INVOLVES ONE BLOOD SACRIFICE!

...no summoning? Crap. Exercising, they say, is good for your health.

I run with the others, observing what they do and copying their searching mechanisms. I'm going to be awful at it, but at least I'd try.

OKAY IT'S BEEN AN HOUR AND I HAVE FOUND SEVERAL EGGS THAT ARE VERY PROBABLY NOT MINE. WHY DID I AGREE TO DO THAT? OH, YEAH, FAMILY SPIRIT.

I walk the empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams...Still nothing. I can attest that the "Exercise is good" guys were clearly high on laudanum when they said that. I'm probably the last one. Blaming it on the lack of experience.

I walk alone, I walk alone. At some point, I stop near a river. Nothing happened there, but it was a really nice river and I feel like it should be mentioned here.

My shadow is the only one that walks beside me. I should have chosen "all our gods have abandoned us" as the soundtrack of my suffering, would've better fit. I hope someone will pity me and give me the Egg.

Returning to the farm, because you said "egg hunt", not "egg hiking". On the road, I look at various leeches because I need drawing references. Absorbed in the maggot observation, I trip on a root and fall miserably like a...uh... miserable person. I lay on the ground, searching for enough strength to get up, and I SEE. IT'S HERE! I KNEW IT WAS WAITING FOR ME! I SEE IT! What, the Egg?, you ask. No. A rock. But it's a very pretty rock.

The ground is very nice. Reminds me of Serbia. I take a nap there, still holding my rock.

I wake up four hours later. Blaming it on the jetlag. It's dark and I hurry back home. In the bushes, there is a small, shiny, black and silver egg. I'm sure there wasn't anything there when I fell asleep. But it's too late to investigate, and the egg looks perfect. I take it, and run back to the farm.

Everyone is there, having fun and doing whatever people do in normal family reunions that don't involve a rifle fight.

"I'm back!" I yell at the crowd. Someone answers "I can see that".

@weirdly-specific-but-ok , @arkytiorlecter , @patoslover , where did you find yours?

Fam Easter egg hunt let’s go

Alright kids, champs, niblings, in-laws, grandkids, parents, neighbours, dubiously acquired turtle grandchildren, ALL OF YOU:

I’ve hidden easter eggs around the farm — one for each of you. They’re whatever chocolate you like most, and if you don’t like chocolate too bad you’re getting one anyway maybe it’s candy or styrofoam who knows. The question is, where will you find yours?

Ready…

Steady…

GO!

@1800ineedshelp @weirdly-specific-but-ok @arkytiorlecter @an-ace-on-the-case @falling-raine @eybefioro @the-beard-of-edward-teach @hell-hath-no-fury-like-love @sounds-void-fishy @good-usernames-were-taken @random-doctor-on-the-internet @samlikeslawnchairs @hello-ello-ello @gyrovagus-bibliophile @prettycottagequeer @garnetgoose0-0 @slopdoughnut @greenchrysanthamoots @queermarzipan @hoarder-of-dragons @dashoulinas-fandom-dump @lxvenderjewel @harbinger-of-existential-dread @aroaceblackhole @zonzolik @obsessed-sketches @goblin-named-sam @patoslover that’s all I’ve got written down holy fuck are there a lot of you

[random-doctor-on-the-internet]

Hello earthlings, your favourite aliens back! Well, not favourite, I probably don't even make it to the top fifty, but let a guy have dreams.

I am currently drowned in exams and two days late on my art commissions schedule, but I've just eaten coffee beans thinking it was chocolate (don't do that, kids) and decided that it's time for a new BSfLM.

@weirdly-specific-but-ok , tagging you because I haven't bothered you in a while. Read this coffee induced masterpiece and cry.

global cheering

So, since @randomvoices and @zonzolik asked about the cults, I'll talk about...well, the cults. And now, mortals, IT'S SHOWTIME. Neil Gaiman have your mercy, for the worst is yet to come.

global slightly worried cheering

Okay, buckle your seatbelts, here's the story of how I almost got dragged into a cult. Welcome to hell.

Alrighty-almighty, it all starts, as it will end, in some little russian town. You know, these little towns that seem to only exist to say things like "this famous guy was born there", "that famous guy tried to sleep there for a night but was met with a lot of suspicion", "that one blorbo on the net got dragged into a cult there", etc. You see what I'm talking about.

"But, Ash, why were you in this town?", you ask.

The truth is, I don't know. We were looking for a place to sleep, then God decided that my life will be a crossover between Florida News and those traumatic fairy tales from your childhood that you remember all your life, and threw me there. Hi!

So, we arrive there, it's late, almost everyone is sleeping, and we need to stay unnoticed for runaway reasons. The villagers, however, are not very eager to welcome two black haired strangers carrying an impressive amount of close combat weapons. After a bit of useless bargaining, we realised that it's time to pack our bags and hitch the road.

So, we get a loaf of bread for dinner and go away, trying to look very offended. Historians don't say if it was effective. We're almost gone when we see a guy who yells us that there's a small community of monks in the woods who usually welcome well minded strangers.

Sleep in a monastery is better than no sleep at all, we decide, and go in the woods. We arrive, the monks are nice even if not very monkish, they give us some mushroom stew and send us to sleep.

I don't know what they put in the stew, but we both sleep for more than three days. When we wake up, they're all nice, all seem very worried that we haven't woken up earlier. We apologize for abusing their hospitality and ask if we could do something to make up for it. We may be punk, but we have a heart. They happily agree and we spend an unknown amount of days alternating between enormous amounts of sleep and chopping wood, collecting flowers, brewing beer, and other monastery stuff.

We start thinking about leaving, but every time we mention it, they ask us if we could help with something else, and make clear that they won't tell us where they put our travel bags (with the guns inside.). Now that we live with them, we can see that they don't look like monks at all. Neither of us knows a lot about Christianity, but I'm pretty sure monks aren't supposed to wear flower crowns, sleep together, and sing songs about how Nature is a massive slay. They're hippies, we think, nice ones, and keep chopping wood.

They seem pretty excited about the full moon. Is God supposed to look at us through the moon's eye? Is God the moon? Were they secretly werewolves? Who knows. But they were acting very strange when we mentioned it. Told us that we need to see the full moon ceremony, that it will change our lives.

We help them decorate the woods, and put a small monolith around which it's going to take place. They ask Beez to pick a goat, because they're going to do a thing in our honour. Goat meat stew? Why not. Another 2 day-long nap later, it's the full moon. They give us white robes. Beez insists to keep all the things they haven't put away under them. The black-white combo doesn't look good, but it works.

We reunite in the clearing. As soon as the moon appears, they start singing. I don't know that song but it sounds metal. I'm joining them, stammering some lyrics about burning Christians. It fortunately goes unnoticed.

And then, the goat arrives. It's very clear that there won't be any stew. Beez looks at me. I look at Beez. And we run like our lives are in danger, which is probably true. Without the robes, we're almost invisible in the night. And we mindlessly run for dear life, two days of running almost without stopping. I don't know if they sent people after us, but they didn't catch us.

So, yeah, here's how we survived a moonlight cult, and people from said cult obtained two brand new backpacks, a dozen guns, perfectly done passports (it was awful to redo these without being found) and half a loaf of bread. Hope they remember us.

Remember, children, always trust suspicious strangers. Fun adventures might happen.

[polkadotzigzag]

Course 7 #nye (at Nobu Houston) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsFLm-mn7UD/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=d7pb6goi5uzy

[random-doctor-on-the-internet]

back again

eight, you're a lovely storyteller. you pace things so well and your sense of humour is so drily amusing and it makes me laugh and you describe things so strangely and i love it. i could listen to your stories all day.

That's really extremely nice of you. You don't understand how much it's amazing.

Like, you're the literal god of funny writing. I shall cherish that compliment forever. Perhaps make an ao3 account and start posting BSfLM too.

[random-doctor-on-the-internet]

9 and 29 on the ask thing???

9. Tell a story about your childhood.

Kind of expected... I suppose that copy pasting a BSfLM won't work, right?

Well, I once went to Turin with my mother. It was before my finals, a short time after my parents remembered they had a kid. I was thirteen, and it was the first holiday of my life. We went to museums and visited the town, and my mother gave me a pumpkin-flavoured cappuccino. It was nice. I was feeling like a kid for the first (and very probably last) time of my life.

29. What do you do when you're sad?

Not a single idea. I have the self-care ability of a muffin (if the muffin was really bad at life), and don't really have the time to do things beside my work schedule. I probably drink more coffee, but that isn't really a thing, since I kinda always drink coffee. I go to sleep at an almost normal hour when I'm really bad, (even if that's mostly when I'm injured), so something like that. I really don't know...