#brownie points if you read my long and boring ramble under the cut

[dawneternal]

what a crash looks like for me:

- sleep 7-8 hours

- wake up

- eat something

- immediately get sleepy after eating. more protein means less sleepy, but I will still get sleepy no matter what I eat.

- take ADHD meds and go back to sleep until they kick in (about an hour, hour and a half. If it's a day where I'm not taking my Adderall, I sleep longer)

- eat something again. has to be quick, like microwaving leftovers. If I'm cooking - a smoothie, quesadilla, or grilled cheese. Anything with more cooking or prep than that and I'll lose too much working time because of the recovery.

- Have 2-4 hours of working time. Must be sitting down and the less amount of times I get up the longer I'm able to work. If I'm on the couch, I can go all four hours. If I go to my studio in the basement, I get about two hours.

- Nap again. Hour, hour and a half. Resisting the nap will make my feel sick to my stomach and sometimes trigger a migraine so it's not really worth it to try to stay awake unless I have to.

- it's about 50/50 whether I can do some light work after waking up. The Adderall has really helped the evening brain fog, but it's usually too much to start a new project, work on a sketch with a difficult pose, or write. I can try, but when I look at the work after the brain fog has passed it's never my best work and I usually end up redoing it. Usually I color a sketch I've already finished, play an easy game, or work on a project I've already started like simple crochet.

- go to bed exhausted like I've worked a 10 hour shift 🙃

- I usually have to restructure my days around going out. And there are activities that I know will require a long nap afterwards no matter what. Like shopping, appointments, and sometimes showering.

- "You're so lucky that you get to stay home and nap I love napping."

I'm going to punch you in the face. I am an incredibly ambitious person and I wanted to have a career. I hoped to have children by now.

Imagine the most miserable part of covid (being home all the time, not seeing friends and family, not being able to go out without extra prep and care) and then imagine that it never ended.

That being said, I'm not really posting this because I want pity. I'm not really sure why I'm posting this I think I just needed to get it off my chest.

more info about me/cfs if you're curious:

me/cfs = myalgic encephalomyelitis/ chronic fatigue syndrome.

myalgic encephalomyelitis means inflammation of the brain and spinal cord.

often just called chronic fatigue syndrome or cfs, it is a chronic illness characterized by "extreme fatigue that can't be explained by an underlying medical condition."

cfs is sometimes called a "trashcan diagnosis" meaning that people with this set of symptoms are thrown into the same category and there is not enough research to determine an origin or treatment. Most doctors have not heard of cfs, or they will turn you away because they don't know how to treat it.

The Hallmark symptom that cfs sufferers share is PEM, or Post Exertional Malaise. In short, exertion makes us feel sick. The keyword there being exertion and not just exercise. Some with mild symptoms may be able to manage some careful exercise, but moderate sufferers usually cannot. People with severe cfs have had their baseline decline to the point that they are bed bound, some needing bed pans and feeding tubes. The goal for all of us is to try and raise our baseline or keep it from declining to this severe level.

From the small amount of research in the past, and the currently growing amount of research, the general consensus seems to be that me/cfs is a long virus, like Long Covid. Likely caused mono, or Epstein Barr Virus. It also seems likely that those with me/cfs have a lowered anaerobic threshold, and that the body doesn't produce enough oxygen for your muscles when you exert yourself. The accelerated cell death as a result of this is thought to be one of the causes of PEM. (Disclaimer, I tend to do a lot of medical research but I am absolutely not an expert or a doctor/nurse.)

The cfs community has figured out for itself that one of the few things that actually helps us to improve and heal is pacing. Which requires calculating your anaerobic threshold using a heart monitor watch like a fitbit, and then structuring your lifestyle so that you can stay under your threshold. This reduces crashes and prevents PEM, though it can mean saying no to a lot of plans and potentially being lonely and bored in order to pace correctly.

Covid and Long Covid had a silver lining for the chronically ill community in that it has encouraged a lot of research on chronic fatigue, long viruses, and many of its co-morbidities.

Because of this, and despite the salty tone of this post, I do have hope that a treatment will be uncovered in my lifetime.

[remindingpersephone]

Curveballs

When life gives you . . . stitches? So I had to have a cyst removed from my back and it was a big boy, so it took 13 stitches to close that hole up (there are so many jokes here). The doc said no lifting, no stretching, because stitches on the back (it's actually closer to shoulder) can rip easily. Since I can't get into the pool - healing wound = no soaking - and it's 9,823 degrees outside so no walking, my living room workouts are the only option. But when I do those it's a lot of arm flailing and improvising because I cannot follow choreography to save my life.

Now, there was a time when I would have used these restrictions as an excuse to completely abandon my fitness goals. I would stop all cardio, sit on the couch, eat way too many brownies, and totally derail my fitness progress.

But this time was different. I've kept up with all lower body strength workouts, and for cardio I bought an under-the-desk, mini-bike-peddle machine. Now, no one is going to mistake this for a real bike. But let me tell you I have gotten my heart rate way the hell up on that little thing. And I can keep my upper body stabile so as not to rip those stitches.

I've also been trying out intermittent fasting, although it didn't really start out with that as the goal. I wanted to see if I was eating because I was hungry, or just out of habit/schedule/when I thought I should eat. Also, my 6:30am breakfasts were starting to feel like habit instead of hunger. So I stopped eating until I was actually hungry. Turns out I'm not really hungry until about 11:30 AM. I also stopped eating after 8PM at night. I had always been a late dinner and even later dessert/snacker. Not only has eating mostly between the hours of 11:30am and 7:30pm helped my digestion, it's lowered my overall calorie intake. It's also making me stop and really think if I'm actually hungry before I eat. Do I need that snack or am I just bored? Do I need that treat or am I just emotional? I know the word "intuitive" is over-used these days, but that's pretty much what I did.

Now, I know tomorrow or next week this could all change. I am a person who not only embraces change, but seeks it out. I am always changing things up in small and large ways. Sometimes routines work for me and sometimes they don't. I'm getting better at not trying to force myself to do things just because the generally accepted wisdom says I should. Or the current trends are encouraging this thing or that thing.

Since we're talking about health, I will tell you I've cut way back on my social media consumption. It just got to a point where I was internalizing a lot of what I was reading and watching, and as we all know, a lot of what's on social media is negative. That negativity was having a bigger effect on me than I realized. Until that over-exposure was gone, I couldn't make the connection on some unexpected effects it was having. Sorry, I'm not intentionally trying to be vague. I just can't really explain it other than to say reducing my exposure to the ugliness and fear that perpetuates even Tumblr and Instagram has had a positive effect on my state of mind. This is a long and rambly way of me saying I'm sorry if I haven't been hearting and commenting on my mutuals posts like I once had. I try to pop in when I can, and I really do read what I heart. I just can't consume it at the rate I once did. But please know that I am always here for DMs and you can email me at anindependentguinevere {at} g mail dot com anytime you want to chat or need support. I am here for that always.

Wow, that was way longer than I intended. Hugs and kisses to those you who made it all the way through. Now let's go get some ice cream!

[toloveawarlord]

Black Army Mischief Maker (Ch.3)

You can find chapters 1 &2 in my masterlist in my bio!

Characters: Finley Godspeed and Black Army

Tagging: @plumpblueberry​ and @christmaswarlock​ for their love of this Godspeed child.

A/N: Finley is back at it again. If you want to learn some elephant facts, this is the place. Finley knows whats up.

Someone new had arrived at headquarters.

Not a member of the army. A woman that the young Godspeed had never seen before. Someone that needed their protection. As such, a room needed to be prepared, and the only one available needed to be fixed up. Finley had begged to tag along into Central Quarter on the shopping trip.

It turned out to be quite more boring than she’d imagined.

Seth meticulously began his search for the right sheets, comforter, and even the cushions to be on the couch. Reaching their tenth store, Finley began to drag her feet. “This isn’t the adventure that I thought it would be.” Falling forward to rest her forehead against his leg, she poked at the holstered gun for entertainment. It swung slightly, reminding her of a pendulum.

“I told ya this wasn’t going to be fun this time, bug,” Fenrir answered with a pat to her head. No amount of explanation before they left had swayed the child from wishing to come with them. He chuckled at her dramatic whine and fascination with the holster. “Hey, I know. Why don’tcha pick somethin’ out for Alice. It might make her feel more welcome.”

Give her a task and three... two... one...

Instant results. Finley gave a small gasp and her feet became spring loaded as she bounced uncontrollably in place. “I can? I can pick her something out? Anything I want?”

It took one nod of approval for her to set off further into the store in search of the perfect item to give to their new guest. Anything chosen would be vetted by Seth. It must match the decor and color scheme of the bedroom.

The store employees had a front row seat to free entertainment. Around and around, Finley circled, and weaved past displays of trinkets. Occasionally, she leaned in to study an object before shaking her head and continuing her search. Standing up on her tiptoes, she carefully took the glass item off the shelf and returned to her father’s side. “This one. It’s the one I want to give Alice,” Finley stated, cradling with both hands as if it would break at any moment.

The Ace of Spades cast a curious gaze down at her but broke out in a wide grin. He ruffled her short hair and voiced his approval. “It’s perfect, bug.”

****

Seth spent way too much time decorating the room. Finley remained grateful that she could not help and patiently waited on the couch where she could cause no trouble. The soldiers at the mercy of the ten of spades were under intense scrutiny. One millimeter off from Seth’s vision and they received an ear full. The moment it ended, they scurried off to escape their strict supervisor.

“You did all this for me?” Alice asked, arriving with Fenrir at her side. Her steps into the room slow and eyes wide to take in the beautiful result. She’d insisted that they didn’t need to redecorate the space but lost to the relentless army leaders.

Finley climbed to her feet on the couch, holding out the small gift bag towards the woman with the biggest smile. “I bought this for you! Welcome to Black Headquarters! We have lots of fun here and you’ll be safe!” From Ray had told her, Alice had nowhere to go and needed their protection. He didn’t say from what, but Finley knew there was no place safer than here.

Alice accepted the gift and pulled the glass trinket from within. Up in the light, she observed the pale blue elephant. It matched the colors in the bedroom, but how this particular object had been chosen alluded the woman. “Thank you, it’s quite beautiful,” her warm words paused with realization, “I’m sorry, I never asked your name. I’m Alice.”

“I’m Finley. I’ve been reading a book about elephants and they are really cool. Did you know that they spend twelve to eighteen hours a day eating?” She spouted off the fact before bouncing up and down on the cushion. “I wish I could eat for that long. There would be so many yummy things I could eat in that amount of time, like crepes, ice cream, brownies, cookies, cookie brownies.”

“You might make yourself sick eating that much sweets,” Alice replied, finding it impossible not to like the young girl. She had a lot of experience with kids eating too many sweets, since she worked in a bakery.

A hum passed the child’s lips and her head tilted in response. “But Luka doesn’t have that kind of time,” she said as if that were the only problem with it. Nothing satisfied her more than the Jack’s cooking. Her gaze snapped back up to Alice. “And Elephants can consume 300 to 600 pounds of food per day. That’s like 8 to 17 of me.”

Fenrir leaned against the door frame, making no effort to reel in his wild child. Her rambling would go on for a while if he did nothing. “We did the math on it,” he interjected, confirming her statement.

“Wow, that’s quite a lot of you for an elephant to eat.” Alice laughed in response.

“Oh, and Elephants can swim underwater and breathe through their trunks. I have to hold my breath when I swim. And, and, their trunks can grow to be six feet long, which is almost as long as Sirius is tall.” Finley stuck her arm out and waved it like how she imaged an elephant’s trunk would move.

Alice cast a glance at the Ace standing in the doorway. “She’s passionate about elephants, isn’t she?” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and found herself laughing more at the elephant sounds that Finley was attempting.

“Yeah, that’s right. She bought an information book about Elephants last month. It ain’t got any stories, and very few pictures, but she has me help her read it every night. That’s why she can recite it from memory.” Fenrir loved how much his daughter liked learning. She would be starting kindergarten next year, and formal teaching wasn’t his thing. He let her decide what kind of things she wanted to study. 

“How about the elephant go check on what Luka’s cooking for tonight. Maybe he’ll give you a sample.”

All three turned to see the King of Spades eyeing the young Godspeed with amusement. He adored her like she was his own. At the moment, he wished to discuss some important things with Alice and Fenrir, but the very loud and literal elephant in the room made that quite difficult.

Finley hopped off the couch and took off at full speed for the kitchen. She hopped down the stairs, crouching low and then jumping as high as her legs would allow until she’d reached the bottom. “Luuuka!” Finley took a deep breath once she entered the room. Everything smelled delicious. “Can you make me enough food to eat for 12 to 18 hours a day?”

“No.” His answer the obvious one and it didn’t faze the girl at all.

“Okay.” She relented easy and skipped across the room to stand at his side. She held up her index finger to make her next point. “If I were an elephant, you would have to. That’s how much they eat.”

Luka brushed the chopped vegetables into the pot of boiling water before giving in to the conversation. “It’s a good thing you aren’t an elephant, then.” He couldn’t imagine her eating more than she already did. She was healthy and active, but she ate nearly as much as a grown man. If no one stopped her, Luka feared she would eat herself into a coma.

“You are making a lot of food though,” Finley muttered, standing on her tiptoes to snatch a lost piece of broccoli off the counter. As she chewed it, she gasped loudly and inhaled a little bit of the vegetable. Her hand covered her mouth as she coughed until it cleared. It didn’t deter her excitement. “Are we having a party?”

What the child loved nearly as much as spooky things, was a good party that lasted well past her bedtime.

“We’re giving the little lady a welcome party,” Sirius cut in, returning from the dining hall where he’d been setting the table. With this much food involved, Luka couldn’t be expected to do it all alone. Everyone needed to pitch in.

Oh! I wanna help. Can I?” The second she got permission, Finley dashed across the room to retrieve the wooden two-step step stool, crafted from a woodworker’s shop in a town nearby specifically for her. It hit the cabinets under the counter with a thud and creaked as she climbed up.

Sirius came in and out as dishes were completed, taking them away before the girl growing ever hungrier with every delicious item that Luka and Sirius had made. The sun had slid down beyond the horizon, leaving only twinkling stars and the bright moon illuminating the dark landscape outside the window.

With the last dish done, Finley stepped off the stool and collapsed into a puddle with a growling stomach. She did enjoy cooking, but this had drained her of all her energy. She laid flat with her forehead pressed to the floor and arms out, sprawled out like a starfish. “If I were an elephant, I’d never be this hungry, ever.” The words muffled by the tile beneath her.

Luka simply stepped over her, shaking his head with a ghost of a smile on her lips. “Elephants don’t get to attend parties, do they? Don’t you want to be Finley and be allowed to come to the dining hall?” 

A moment of silence passed over the kitchen.

“Okay, I want to be Finley again.” Clambering to her feet, she staggered forward, moving a little too fast for her weary legs. She made it to the door before being snatched up into someone’s arms.

“Good, cause everyone loves ya as Finley,” Fenrir said, placing a kiss on the side of her head. He lifted her up higher to sit her on his shoulders. Her fingers weaved into his hair, petting him affectionately. “Let’s go party, bug!” 

The dining hall could not have fit any more soldiers. The table lined with all the delectable foods and desserts that had been made. Various bottles of beer and alcohol were spread out on a table pushed into the far corner. As full as it was, not a single one spoke. Everyone stood looking at the other door, awaiting their guest of honor.

As the door creaked open, Alice’s features lit up with a mixture of thankfulness and embarrassment. A chorus rang out from all the soldiers and the small girl sitting on her father’s shoulders. No rehearsal led to an out of sync round, but the message came loud and clear, setting the festivities off.

“Welcome to the Black Army!”