#brought to you by my rabbit hole attempt to compile all the universal rules of hellblazer in one place

[rollforjackass]

hellblazer’s rules about how heaven and hell work are the funniest bit of worldbuilding ever to me, because i'm pretty sure the lion’s share of their complicated nature exists solely in reaction to the fact that they created the first of the fallen — god’s conscience, constantine's perfect rival, humanity's Satan for whom constantine is, personally, The Devil, so chronically obsessed with our favorite scouse shithead that he once spent every night for 20 years tormenting a priest just to give constantine an example of what will be in store for him when he finally dies — and then had constantine beat the pants off of The Satan in his very first appearance. like, where do you go from there?

why, naturally to the next time constantine beats the pants off him, which is about…three issues later, and brings up that satan is part of a triumvirate of leaders in hell. also, if satan is tricked three times, according to The Law (that’s all it’s called), the person who tricked him goes free and satan has to take the punishment instead, just to make that time spicier than the last two. also, he undoes the first trick, comes after constantine, and gets fucking murdered (because being able to figure out the first trick at all was, itself, a trick) and there's a big final question about "where does satan go when he dies", which is honestly! really cool and thought-provoking!

but we don't want to lose him, since he was created as the perfect rival to highlight constantine's existence as a force to be feared by hell + the cost of that status in his personal life. so the answer to that really cool question is that satan was made mortal and fucked off to greece. as you do.

but also, you can restore greek-vacation-ex-satan back to power by getting the one he hates the most to give up their soul, who happens to be constantine, who happens to worm his way into staying alive while still fulfilling the terms, so now we’re back to regular ol satan again.

god i love these comics.