#bro your negative aura is scaring the hoes

[jaynco]

Can't sleep?

[finderskeepersff]

58.

“Handsome” she said “you late” I complained a little “says you that always wakes me up with late night calls, awwww what? You got me flowers” I shrugged looking down at them “you know how sweet that is to me, I feel special” she is making me blush “quit making a scene, come” she is making a scene for nothing “you better hug me” Sofia demanded “take the flowers then” Sofia is doing it on purpose cause she know I don’t do this shit “come” Sofia opened her arms to me “you make me love you more and more” hugging Sofia “you said love” I mumbled “your persona comes apart and I love it, just be quiet and let me hug you in peace” she said which made me smile “Cassius? Are you with us? Hello” snapping back into reality, the reality is so bleak to me “are you ok over there?” licking my top lip as I got up from the seat, pulling my hood up. I don’t want to be in these group thing, I am forced to do it. I only speak when I want too, pushing the doors open. I just want to be outside, I like it outside here. It has beautiful flowers, I like flowers. I don’t know, they look pretty. Walking down the path, I just rather be outside as I refuse to sit there and speak about things I wish not to discuss. Sitting down on the outside steps, lots of open space. It’s so nice to see, like in Brooklyn you don’t see this shit and it’s nice “routine Cassius, what are you doing here?” Henry said behind me “are you ready to go outside of here, get you a nice haircut?” shaking my head “who would have thought, I made money just to pay for my rehab at the end of it, fucked up huh” I chuckled “we spoke about this Cassius, stop acting things are so bad and are negative, it isn’t so please” I don’t want a shave.

“I want you to start actively wanting to see people, you are capable of this and I know this Cassius” looking out of the car window “what if I jumped out of your car right now and walked off?” I asked “then I can’t stop you but I know you won’t, you like to test me. It would be sad to see you go. The confidence you had was not you Cassius, you need to understand that we need to rebuild on that. You gained confidence from drugs, you dealt with it through that. Even now you are holding back, you aren’t being true to yourself and this won’t work, will it? It’s painful, it’s hard to accept what you are, you need to accept it. Being a recovering drug addict is not a bad thing, you are not confident in yourself and it’s stopping you from progressing. I am taking you out because I want you to see your partner Sofia, I need you to let her come. She needs to understand you, you need to also open up about issues” Henry talks too much “maybe I don’t want to get better” he is making me get better, maybe I don’t want it “who is the real Cassius, tell me this? Tell me, tell me before you turned thirteen, who is that Cassius? We got time” I wish I never came with him “erm” I laughed “that Cassius was a loving kid, he erm. He just wanted to play with my niggas, you know. I loved numbers, I was so good at it. I would do my work, like niggas wouldn’t do they work but me, I did. I was laid back, I was good. My dad kind of hated there was four of us, used to be like I got more mouths to feed. He would come in drunk but me, I was good. Life was great” I grinned.

I am waiting to sit in the chair to get my hair done “Cassius you keep shying away from the mirror” Henry said “I don’t fuck with me bro” I laughed “why don’t you? You are a great guy Cassius, you need to believe that Cassius. You have to believe that” shaking my head “I want to be a new person, I don’t want to be Cassius anymore. You know, teenage Cassius was a fucked up dude. I was such a mess, I ain’t no drug dealer, I never was and then I became it. I ain’t no killer Henry but now” I chuckled “I guess I am, my dad. He was never happy, you know. Never proud of things, I kept proving points but still, I was not good enough” I still don’t think I am now “and how did you deal with that? I think Cassius you need to take this energy and anger elsewhere, we have a gym. It’s a great thing to do, you right now. You are thinking about your dad and then now drugs ain’t you? You need to disconnect it, you don’t need to deal with it that way, would you be shocked if I told you that I was once a user?” looking up from the floor and at Henry “yeah I was” he laughed “don’t look at me like that, I was a mess, no job, no family. I was on the streets. I did things I regretted Cassius, but I learned to forgive myself. I moved on, I am living proof and now I want to help people like you. I know you hate group talks, I did this for you” I didn’t think he was, he looks so normal “come on son, you next” looking away from Henry “go on and get your hair cut” getting up from the chair “you trying to grow an afro? Your hairline looking dumb” this old dude is harassing me already “been through a lot” sitting in the chair “what you want done?” he turned the seat around, I have to look at my face “clean cut, shave it all” looking away from the mirror.

“You feeling cold now?” Henry held out a water bottle to me “a little, I feel a little naked now” Henry sat next to me outside the barbershop “if you happy, I am happy with it” it’s whatever, I would let it grow out even more “you are still holding a lot back, we may have helped get you off drugs but you need to help yourself, only you can do that” opening the water bottle “my dad sold me, I killed the guy that was acting more of a father to me. He felt sorry for me but that guy was a pimp, my dad sold me to him. I am cute, I will get dealings. My dad went home, he got his hit. He went home, left me there with this guy I didn’t know. I was scared, I just did what I needed too. I did it for my ungrateful brother’s that hate me. To protect my mom, but I was sold. I had grown women wanting to fuck me, I had people drugged the fuck up right in front of me. I was working all night that I was sleeping in class, so I killed him. Then I started, for years. Taking some here and there, I think with my dad. I have this link to him, he was my hero. I was a daddy’ boy, I was the boy. So proud of me, but he was just not a nice guy. I do think both of my parents were crackheads, I mean who let’s their son be out at night doing that. They expect me to be ok, I had no relationship with any woman. I didn’t want kids, I knew what I was but then Sofia happened” I sighed out “going back to what your dad did to you, it was never right in any sense. I think what it is, you are so hurt by your dad” nodding my head “imagine it, going out at night with your dad. He wants me to go out, I mean that was before he beat up a woman for some drug shit. I went with him again to be sold, it’s laughable. I was a mess, I became a mastermind at my work. I was nineteen where I ran up on niggas double my age, took their shit. And I fucked their daughters, then I took their spot. I did it again, and again. Then it got to a point where I had everything at the age of twenty one, I became this nigga where people heard my name and would be scared. I had girls here and there, through a lot of it Celine was there but I couldn’t love her, it was never there. I was such a bad guy Henry, I was so angry at this guy that fucked me over, I tied him up. Made his daughter choose me and then fucked her while he watched she always a hoe that I fucked before, I mean you see the bigger picture here, he dead too. I am crazy” shaking my head “she also died” looking over at Henry “that is because you had so much power, power got to your mind. Come on, let’s give that mind a rest” I am tired now.

There is some real weird people in this place, they probably think I am weird but these are weird as fuck “she asked me for a hit” I pointed at some white chick “she said she would suck my dick too” watching this white bitch walk by “they all have their issues, I wanted to ask. So you came out after being locked up, what happened? You didn’t want a relationship or love, you tell me what happened when you saw Sofia?” I laughed to myself “erm so I saw her, like I walked into my home it was my brother’ girl, so when I walked in uninvited to the home it just happened. She was wearing a green, like a green colour, it was erm shiny like. And erm it was low cut, like I could see side boob, now I just came out of jail, I ain’t seen boobs in a while. I had a good time with my hand that night but she had her hair in a bun and when she got up, Henry, my man. She had this long slit, it went like” pushing my seat back, touching my thigh “here, I was like what? She didn’t wear a lot of make up it was on but not too much. And I was like wow, that was it. I was attracted to her instantly, her whole vibe. Her” I paused “her aura, I think they say it. I just felt it, and I had to just put it out there. No way in hell that was Jordan’ girl, like no. But yeah” I smiled to myself “I was one happy nigga seeing her” Henry smiled at me “you felt love? Did you feel it?” he be asking me some shit, licking my top lip “erm” I laughed “I think, I don’t know really. I just liked her a lot, I just felt that protectiveness over her, I knew my brother. I know he ain’t the type to be nice, so uh yeah. She had sex with me, I mean we did it. The rest is history” I laughed “you are very giggly Cassius when it comes to Sofia, I must say you are smiling a lot” kissing my teeth “because the questions are funny” is he stupid.

Henry cleared his throat “we have made some movement, talking more. We need to talk about things so we can be able to work on the issue, the root cause is of course your dad. There is more to tell, I know that but I am happy with you Cassius. You are talking more, so tell me. With Sofia being with your brother was this something welcomed with the family?” I snorted laughing “nah, they would bad mouth her. But they don’t know her like that, I did fall for her beauty but it’s what she showed me that made me love her even more, for her to expose these things to me made me love her more. I didn’t know what love is or was, love ain’t for me because I don’t know what that shit is. I said it to my mom, I was like thank her, I am here for her because I was already back into my old ways, all the well trying to keep up with Sofia and being normal for her, you know how tiring that is, mentally” Henry nodded his head “which brings me to say Cassius, you’re going to say to me I played you or whatever. Do you think it is time for us, you and I together to see Sofia, bring her here to see you. There is no way you can be helped outside if the person you live with doesn’t understand you, she seems like an understanding person so what do you think?” he did play me “I don’t want to speak to her, I think it’s best if I keep away” Henry sighed out “fine” he got up from his seat, he patted my shoulder “let’s give you your tablets and then you can sleep” I just can’t face Sofia right now.

Staring at the tablets “do I need them though? I ain’t crazy?” Henry side eyed me “I never said it was did I? These are just to calm your nerves and also so you can sleep, the last thing you need is to not sleep. We want a better lifestyle for you Cassius, night is for sleeping yes?” I don’t want them “I will see her” walking off, I don’t want the tablets. Night is not just for sleeping, that be the time I am working so it’s bullshit. I just don’t want that shit “fuck you!” I said to the white bitch before she even spoke to me, she get on my nerves. I do feel at peace but I am also scared, I can’t stop this. I will always be around drugs, I have the urge now. Turning back around “I want them tablets actually” I want it, I rather sleep because I am having some thoughts “meeting with Sofia still stands? Or did you change your mind on that?” shaking my head “she has asked about you everyday, called everyday. I feel you need the support as much as you don’t want her here, you need to do the hard work but she can support you” that sounds like something Sofia would do.