#bro i cant even get these things to work for menus

[gizkasparadise]

the future truly is hell.

[delusional-mishaps]

well guys. since i missed epic's birthday (devastating) have some headcanons :)

he is one of those weaboos who learned japanese so he can watch anime "the authentic way" (his words)

so he's fluent in japanese 💀 he literally only learned it for anime but dude was DEDACTED

he's so cringe guys 😭 i can say that. he's my boyfriend i love him

he would adore those cute anime girl v-tubers. like not in a weird way but he'd watch a lot of them

HE PLAYS GENSHIN 💀 he'd probably main beidou or raiden shogun/ei.. maybe run a full electro team with miko and fischl too 😭 (fischl is his fave character he loves her backstory and her bird thing idk i dont use fischl 💀) he loves the electro characters for some reason idk

HE HAS THE WORST LUCK ON THIS GAME THO. bro has c6 diluc (me too ☹️) and all his artifacts SUCK ASS even tho he'll grind every day

he has to spend money on every banner because he always loses his 50/50 and only gets high pity

ok enough genshin headcanons he's cringe we know this

im here ranting about a game i hate because my dumb boyfriend plays it so much

he hangs out with cross a lot ofc BUT

whenever he hears the word cross used in any context he turns to cross like "CROSS????? BRUH THATS YOU!!" (i always make these jokes. im projecting)

cant believe jesus died on his best friend fr... LMAOOO

he speedruns minecraft. he's NOT GOOD AT IT. but he can do it

he's had his speedruns ruined by creepers like 7 times

one time he somehow got into the deep dark and got killed by the warden??? idk what bro was doing down there in a speedrun dawg 😭

sorry he's a gamer in my head but hes really bad at every game he plays (just like me fr)

he sleeps under like 6 different weighted blankets in the hopes that he wont thrash around when he sleeps but he's too strong and ends up tossing them all off his bed 😭

bro needs to be CRUSHED to fall asleep!! he literally cant fall asleep without the weight

not that he likes to sleep anyway because of the nightmares but whatever. hes gotta do it. unfortunately.

he fights in his dreams ofc thats like canon but bro is throwing punches in his sleep fr

if he gets a partner (me fr!!) they gotta sleep in a different ROOM 😭 he is taking NO CHANCES and tbh thats so fair i wouldnt wanna wake up being beaten up by my bf

he is so ipad baby-core <3 he'll just watch youtube on his ipad all day if u let him but he's an old man and needs his spectacles otherwise he's holding it at arm's length 💀

don't forget bro is literally a doctor?? he's SO smart but he uses his goofy persona as a cover up

im convinced like most of the people that know him actually dont know this. they all think hes dumb as bricks 💀

them he'll casually say smth super smart and everyone is like ???????? HELLO??? SINCE WHEN DID UR BRAIN WORK??

i love drawing epic with glasses guys he looks so cute. but he has old man reading glasses

this the typa shit he wears

AND HE FUCKING. anime glasses 😭

like yk how ppl in anime push glasses up

him fr

AUUGH WHY IS HE SO CRINGE I NEED TO CRUSH HIM

he actually needs his glasses all the time but he doesnt like to look like a NERDD so he doesnt wear them

he makes cross read everything for him

they go out to eat and gotta make him read the whole menu otherwise hes holding it 2cm from his face 💔

"whatd that sign say i cant read it"

"dude the letters are huge how cant you read it"

"oh lol i need my glasses my bad bruh"

"YOU ARE DRIVING A CAR RIGHT NOW????"

actually he cant legally drive. because thats funnier than if he could

id still be his passenger princess <3 i refuse to get my license

anyway guys isnt my boyfriend so silly

im so tiredni needto seelp goodnight smooork mimimumumu

its 3am i neednto get up in 5 hours naioiiooooooo

goodbye guys enhjoy my boyfrien mdgrf

[moonlit-escape]

oh, go on, tell us about ur oc!!!

(✧ ▽ ✧) i thought you'd never ask,,, well, i'll tell you all about Aktis first !!

✧ okay so he has two versions, his og mystreet version and his pdh version. i'll do mystreet first

✧ some general info: he is fair-skinned, rather tall, fairly well built (yet kinda skinny) with short honey blonde hair, hazel eyes, and light pink glasses!

✧ arms are covered in cute, colorful little doodle tattoos (some of them he designed himself!)

✧ usually wears plaid trousers with some kind of chain (usually colorful, always cute) and a t-shirt or button-up / sweatshirt combo tucked in

✧ and for when he works out or it's especially hot out, he wears a pair of shorts and a sort of open-side muscle shirt

✧ favourite food is pineapple chicken fried rice (sweet + savory belong together!!)

✧ loooves coffee shops and likes to try out every single drink from the menu

✧ has two dogs!! one is a small bundle of energy, the other is a big big snuggle buddy

✧ he LOVES cute things and he LOVES looking cute

✧ has a decently-sized collection of anime girl figurines, and a HUGE collection of plush stuffed animals

✧ very very kind, friendly, and lovey. he has absolutely no problem showing affection and intimacy, and can be Very touchy with people; depending on how well he knows them, obviously. never touch a stranger

✧ a bit of a flirt. like a Natural flirt. but, the worst part is, he has No Fuckin Idea he's even doing it

✧ like this man. constantly praises and compliments people, winks after making a joke or playful remark, and flexes to show off his arms when he notices people checking them out (he thinks theyre looking at his tattoos)

✧ and so he's got some people who are just absolutely smitten

✧ but it's like he's just so unbelievably friendly that he doesnt even realize. that the stuff he does can be flirting

✧ so he's just Killing Them.

✧ bros never intentionally flirted with a person once in his life i swear

✧ he also cant tell when someone is flirting with him either

✧ like he's just so friend-shaped that he can't imagine. anyone ever wanting more than that from him. and also he's not the typa guy to pursue people he's interested in by flirting

✧ like he's pretty straightforward when it comes to affection and feelings, so if he's into you, he'll tell you

✧ he might not tell you in a way that. you'll understand at first. bc he regularly tells his friends he loves them n shit

✧ but like. he'll make it pretty obvious eventually

✧ unfortunately, he will not understand if you feel the same way, too, until after a bit either. because boy he dumb as shit abt all this romance stuff

✧ like he Oblivious oblivious

✧ he's a romantic little sweetie, though

✧ he designed most of his tattoos himself in highschool and college; he was the type of kid who would always doodle on their paper. and it got to a point where if there was a paper in front of him, he would doodle on it

✧ homework? doodle on it. pop quiz? doodle on it, too. essay? thats got a doodle. notebook? loads of doodles in it. paper cup? yea, it's getting a doodle on it. no paper surface is safe from his cute little doodles

✧ friends would lend him class notes or pass messages during class just to get a doodle on their paper. he'd even write some encouraging words below it

✧ only knew a few people in the cast in highschool, but they lost touch in college. none of them really recognize him yet since he's had quite the change from when he was a highschooler

✧ changes like going from 5'0 even. to 6'2.

[outofthiisworld]

GET TO KNOW YOUR ADMIN !!

name: Boo! pronouns: She/They (no preference, i like both :3)  preferred comms: tumblr ims mostly! if we mesh well+spoken ooc a lot we can chat on discord too :) i uuh do tend to forget to check my discord messages outside of my webhooks however names of muse: Ophelia, Doc, Copycat and Father Necrosis rn! A few ✨secret-menu✨ muses/npc’s as well

experience in RP: been rp’ing since i was 13 so bout 14 yrs exp rn! (i say 10+ in my rules tho cause that’s one less number i have to change each birthday)— most of my experiences have been w/ a close knit group of buds that soon turned into 1+1 rp’ing with a bestie im still VERY close with :3c

i dabbled in online rp’ing around eeeeeehhh 2015ish but i certainly wasnt putting myself out there like i am now sdfsdfg

best experiences: the entirety of this blog tbh. a few bumps in the road and learning curves to get back into the groove of things, but ultimately i feel like a carved out a really excellent and chill lil’ corner on this site :”) special shoutouts to some really INCREDIBLE partners and buds that make rp’ing on here beyond delightful:

@pzfr is a phenomenal writer, a beyond thoughtful rp partner and perhaps a bit too powerful of a creative— personally if some horrific yet comedic demise should befall me then i trust full custody of doc & ophelia to him 100% HE GETS IT (don’t u worry i’ll live forever tho). For real though, there's such genuine love in the way he works with the genres that inspire him as well as with writing as a whole! @5mind GAAAARLIIIIIIIC. we continuously cook up dubious foods in the dms; our plots are forebodingly diabolical (affectionate) and [covering garlic's ears] i still plan to consume their brain for power. he’s got THE most creative and inspired never before seen characters on this side of the universe that i adore so so so much and tbh if you aren’t following her like…….bro be fr with me rn like why @riiese Mark’s writing legitimately inspires me. They are THE voice master dude. The way they weave words together feels right out of a fairytale with this whimsical magic to it that gets me lost in the moment!!! i can’t help but get swept up in their beautiful prose!!! @dynamoprotocol BRO lowkey i remember being shocked when I saw he followed me. From the writing, the care to detail, the art, Clarissa/Chance’s development, the worldbuilding, AND he’s CHILL AS FUCK??? and you wanna follow ME dude??? for real though, i cant sing enough high praises!! @natterghast i stumbled upon her by chance and sooooooo happy i did <33 their ocs absolutely captivated me, each one has this cozy cosmic horror vibe that im? obsessed with?? AND THE WAY SHE WRITES IS SO GORGEOUS AND FULL OF MEANING AND CARE THEY PUT IN AND [wrattling the bars in my enclosure]

there are so many more i can shout out but i will have to cap it here since this post has gotten ... so long and i am now so sleepy. Genuinely though, everyone I follow and get to see pop up on my dash both makes me day and inspires me as a creative each and every time!!!

pet peeves/dealbreakers: the biggest ones for me rn are like … needlessly aggressive ooc attitudes, be it towards anons, in rules, in posts— esp if someone is flaunting about being mean i uh. have fun i guess? not for me.

Condescending rules, especially those geared towards oc’s, might even result in an insta-block from me. (i promise it’s okay to just say ur selective overall and leave it at that).

muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ): I generally like to lean more into light-hearted & comedic stuff, esp when first interacting but cus it’s fun! Once I get comfy with my rp buds tho i do loooooove to get into the meat n potatoes— the drama, the action, THE DRAMA!!! <- but a nice balance is important to me!

if everything is doom n’ gloom all the time without either a break, some sort of bitter-sweetness, and/or light at the end of the tunnel— then The Dread™ starts to feel too much for me :0 that being said … horror is … so much fun too <3

plot or memes: memes are a life savior esp when it comes to breaking the ice— i wouldn’t be cookin’ up like. any of the delectable plots i got brewing in the dms without em >:0

long or short replies: BOTH! i tend to naturally lean towards longer replies, moreso because i always have A Lot To Say™️ but i love goofing around with shorter stuff <3

best time to write: if i had my way it’d be an hour or two after i wake up in the morning and made myself my fancy energy drink + did my n.eopets dailies 💕 i try to make sure i get one day off like this each weekend it’s so lovely. Otherwise, i try not to stress about it too much and do what i can. i want my rp buds to know i genuinely dont mind waiting for replies or anything and i think it starts with how you hold yourself to that same degree too

are you like your muse?: ooooo aren’t we all in some way? it’s important to sprinkle some part or facet of YOU into them, especially ocs!

i will say, Doc is far closer alike to me versus anyone else on this blog, esp when it comes to values! he’s just far more gung-ho that i could ever have the energy to be tho. also i hope im not as stubborn as him 💀

i did give Ophelia my weird girl tendencies tho but cranked that shit up into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!!!

tagged by: @pzfr

tagging: i uh. i think most of my mutuals already got tagged this SO if you see this and you havent........PLEASE do this and tag me weeheehee <3

[thegongoozlerreacts]

Dead Plate (Part 1)

hello!! its been a while since ive posted but here i am!!! so this game is Dead Plate created by STUDIO INVESTIGRAVE

i had played one of their games before, Elevator Hitch, and i really really enjoyed it! so im very excited for this new game that theyve released

though, this game is probably really different from Elevator Hitch, because that game was a visual novel type of game while this one has restaurant tycoon gameplay

still, im very excited

i hope i can get all the endings today (but probably not) as always, spoilers under the cut!

i know its literally just the title screen BUT it looks very classy

also the music? its a bop like yo BellKalengar is the composer and sound designer and like yo!! amazing job its literally just the title screen and im amazed already LMFAO

alright then lets begin

lolol i like the way they named the buttons for doing the tutorial, skipping the tutorial or just leaving the game on auto progress time to show up at 5 am then

the art is really cute these characters are really cute too esp the protag

i know its just the tutorial but i am very nervous LOL doing service jobs make me nervous (even tho this is only a fictional one)

bro protag why did u skim the interview thing 😭 is that why u've had 28 jobs in 7 years 💀

ooh interesting the cooks have an order in which they cook meals i need to remember that

wow so theres a lot to do huh theres seating the customers, taking their orders, bringing those orders to the kitchen, serving the food, going to the cash register to take their payments, cleaning up the tables AND throwing out the trash its a lot more than i was expecting,,,, lol good luck to me i guess

so like fun fact im actually not that good at playing games LOL esp this kind of game where theres like people and they have like a happy meter kind of thing going on i wonder if any of the endings will be tied to how well we do during the work day ?? probably

also can i just say that the music is really good i like the kinda jazzy (is that the right word??) vibes going on

it makes me less nervous about serving customers since its very chill LOL

WHY IS THIS CUSTOMER HITTING ME WITH A HARD QUESTION

I HAVE NO IDEA IF WE HAVE TO-GO BOXES OR WHATEVR WHAT HUH ?????

there is a right answer and i have no idea what it is im gonna lose my mind please. ok well lets pick an answer

im gonna go 'no' since the restaurant has a strict menu that changes daily right? so maybe they wouldnt do to-go boxes or ordering ahead and stuff (RIGHT???)

oh phew ok i picked the right one

LOL the banter between the protag and the tutorial guy (i dont know his name)

??? what the hell this customer just left right as i got the food bro 😭😭 have some patience damn this aint a fast food place

now i have to throw away this perfectly good meal (sorry cooks)

oh no now the real game is starting uhh aight alright then lets go

ok so that was like only three customers, i did pretty well but the day's not over yet shdajhsdsakhj i feel like a disaster n it was only three customers LMAO

oh it was only 3 customers for day 1 nice (i got jumpscared by the sound effect for the day ending LFMAO)

ooh green onion rolls,,, it looks good damn now i want to eat LOL

BITCH YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?????? damn,,,,

the music for this area is pretty chill tho

THE BATHROOM IS FLOODING??? AGAIN ?!??! BRO ??? THATS DISGUSTING

the window has a horrible view its just another building

oho? she? who???

bro dont leave the dishes for later thats sooo gross

??? HOW DID YOU BURN CEREAL???? WHAT DID YOU EVEN DO ??

i am appalled at the protag's lifestyle i cant even

so he has not finished writing lyrics and love letters for this girl he mentioned earlier the game is not revealing her name and im wondering why hmm its very sus

sorry im laughing so hard??? its mostly empty except for some cans and the fucking green onion rolls im cackling?? they look so out of place in this fridge LMFAO

bro how are you so bad at cooking that you burnt food in the microwave??? what are you doing???

wait. is his bed the couch???? bro i feel so bad for this guy

he biked through the rain,,,,, and he thought doing it fast would dry him,,, in the rain,,,,, im starting to understand why he somehow managed to burn cereal

he doesnt own an umbrella

aww this is cute thanks boss

he LIVES here??? wow damn his apartment is upstairs thats very cool

LOL protag keep ur mouth shut

day 2 here we go

SHIT HELP I TOOK TOO LONG ONE OF THE CUSTOMERS LEFT NOOO im restarting jkdsljlds its a good thing i saved

ahh i did way better this time but the day ended right as i was about to take out the trash LOL

oooh those look tasty too

oops ok so like i started day 3 right

well i was like 'i'll take out the trash before serving any customers' so that i can just easily clean up the tables right

uhh but then suddenly this happened ??? so like protag dropped the bag and cut their finger and the boss is having an odd reaction to the sight of blood methinks

HTHE BOSS JUST SLAPPED HIM ??? WTF

bro he just slapped him then was like 'oh dw someone else will clean it up' hello???? you just slapped ???? me ???

ok then moving on to the rest of the day i guess??

kinda weird looking but it still looks appetizing (the magic of art LOL)

oh shit theres a magazine ?? oops im gonna go back and read through previous ones oh nevermind its just the same one lmao

ohhh so this is where i buy items ok aight

and this catalogue is how our protag knew about the job for a waiter it also has an interview with our boss (Chef Vincent Charbonneau, i finally know his name) about the low number of employees i was wondering why we were the only waiter in the restaurant and i guess thats why

ok i bought the rollerskates cuz i need to be faster for the customers

oh and u can interact w the telephone to call 'her' but she doesnt pick up oof

sorry what is happening right now

what is that weird squelching sound?!?!?

BRO?? WTF WAS THAT ??? so like his body felt itchy, pressed Z to scratch and then suddenly lines were all over his body and then knives came out and i am so very confused

i think that was just a dream but what a weird nightmare

i guess onto day 4 then ?? at least i have my sick new rollerskates now

ooh that looks tasty

man i think im too slow cuz the timer always runs out while one more customer is still around lmfao, oh well

oh shit another nightmare

ohh so i can only equip one item at a time hmmm well since i bought the watch anyways i guess i'll use it

PFFT A CUSTOMER LEFT SORRY LADY,, she was waiting to be seated but i was preoccupied with serving food oopsies

restarting the day then

the nightmare hmm is the protag's name Rody since thats what it says on the label

DAMNIT I TOOK TOO LONG AGAIN

ok im just gonna use the rollerskates this time

AGGHH I KEEP TAKING TOO LONG ON THIS ONE CUSTOMER

restarting again,,,,

should i just let it go? probably but im not going to

IM GONNA LOSE MY MIND IVE RESTARTED SO MANY TIMES

ok well youve not seen it but i have restarted day 5 soo many times and i am hungry so,,, here's where i'll leave it for today

even though i am struggling and getting frustrated, im really enjoying the game so far! i wish i wasnt so terrible at playing it so i could see more of the story LOL

like what is up with the boss? who is this girl that the protag likes so much? what is up with his weird nightmares??? and will i ever be able to finish day 5 ?????

tune in next time LOL byebyeee

[sentofight]

ooc. so, apparently S.E.E.S members got ...blogs. [view this post for the images of the said blogs] so i looked at aki's blog ... and now i get why atlus is hang up on the protein jokes. but still. he is my oc now and i say what works for my portrayal. dont worry. i dont go butcher the character for my own enjoyment. anyway, here is the blog image and some crappy translation from uncle googleh. i feel like i saw them on the pcs in the game right?? but they were not clear so yeah.

-----------------------------------

iron fist huh... lmao. but yeah this sums up his story well. he uses his frustration to fuel him and move on and get better.

i actually hoped they would add something about his family name or something since Sanada is the name of the family adopted him.

this is my favorite by far. simple and straightforward like aki. the Sanda soul is just chef kiss. i love it XD i wonder if he made it himself or someone helped him hmmmm. reminds me of my space era ;;a;;

her profile picture... really ... my dude ... YOU ARE SHOWING THE EVOKER YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!

ok. never cheer during his training geez. sees protein *fixes glasses* cant seem to read well. lmao. gyudon huh. okay what is this 10 meals bro. get a life sdlkfjsdfs

akihiko writes his diary on the blog. he writes his diary on the internet!!! read the diary girls!!!!

i bet it is [Today, I ran 15 kilometers etc etc] report of his training regimen. he even posted about S.E.E.S. . . i wonder why no one asked about the club huh ..

special menu ...umiushi special? i looked to see what is this but i got stuffed toys. i highly doubt he eats plushies. but tried again and it seems it is sea urchin (Uni--something) he eats that huh.

his friends. shinji, mitsu, femc, ken????, junpei, yukari.

reminds me of the deviant art stamps things we used to have on our pages to show what we liked haha. ok...boxing ... protein huh ..and the police. at least the police thing is there because otherwise i will be smad.

idk what to say but i wish if more things like this are not region locked;; still upset about owari no kakera ... big sigh.

[mlqcconfessions]

May I ask if you can make a headcanon of MC x Victor, Lucien, Kiro, Gavin, & Shaw( you dont have to do Shaw if you cant) ( MLQC men's pov) not knowing it was MC's bday. The men finding out that MC hide their birthday cause MC feels that they don't deserve to be celebrated and it is not worth it despite going all out for the MLQC men's bday. Would like to see the boys react that. Sorry if this is too much, but it is okay if you cant, I wanted to thank you and I hope you have a safe day

Because I don’t have a firm grasp on Shaw’s character yet (I’m playing on the English server), I’ll be omitting him from this headcanon. Hope you don’t mind!

MLQC Headcanon - My favorite day

Victor (takes place after his Surprise Date)

He was at LFG when he heard the news

Goldman was dropping off some documents that he needed to finalize

He was browsing through the papers when he came across your company’s rough draft plans for next week’s show

He quickly glanced over the words, signed, and flipped to the next page

After every rough draft, your company’s information always followed (naturally, your personal info was there too)

He stopped to look at your picture (it was the same one you used when applying for LFG’s investment)

Always the same dumb expression.... (but he couldn’t help a smile from forming on his face)

That’s when he saw it....your date of birth (XX-XX-XXXX)

....It’s today.....?

?!

He goes into a panic mode immediately (of course, it doesn’t show on the outside)

He takes out his phone and goes to dial your number

He calms himself while the ringing is going through

But panics (again) when he hears your voice

“Victor!”

Obviously, he doesn’t want to confirm if today was your birthday (that would make him seem like the dumb one)

He has to think of what to say for a moment

“Hello? Victor?”

He’s unable to think clearly, so he just blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind

“Souvenir. 6 PM. Don’t be late”

“What? Vict—“ (he hangs up)

He looks at the time, 4 PM

He sighs, rubbing his temples as he starts to regain his senses

He resumes his work as he ponders over what tonight’s menu will be

--------------------

You arrive at Souvenir a little early than planned (around 5:30)

You go to open the door, but it’s locked (weird)

“Victor? (you knock a few times) Victor, are you there?”

You hear a series of rattling and clattering inside

“....Victor? What’s going on in there?”

You go to knock again, but the door opens wide with a bang

He’s in front of you, disheveled as ever

“....MC....you’re early” 

“Um..yeah. Work went a lot quicker than usual and...um....are you okay? I heard a lot of noise in here”

“Yes...yes. Why wouldn’t I be okay? (he straightens his clothes) Hurry, come in”

You go inside to see Souvenir all decorated, except for a few areas where it’s still bare (even some of the lights were hanging off)

“It’s still in process....but....” (he brings out the cake, lighted with candles)

“Happy birthday”

Kiro

He found out it was your birthday from Kiki and the others (while he was over at your company for a meeting)

As soon as he heard he ran over to your desk with immense speed

“MC! MC! MC! IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY?!”

You look up from your computer, startled

“Kiro! What are you doing here? The meeting should still be going on” (indeed it was, poor Savin)

“That’s not the problem, MC! Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?”

You can tell that he’s genuinely hurt by this

“I...just didn’t think it was something worth celebrating, that’s all”

He goes bonkers after you say that

“Not worth celebrating? Are you kidding me?”

He grabs your shoulders and looks you in the eye

“MC! Your birthday DESERVES to be celebrated as much as anyone else’s. Mine included!”

“But...”

“No buts! Today, we are going to make sure you have the BEST birthday EVER!” (he grabs your hand and leads you out of the room)

--------------------

He drags you along throughout town, with him wearing a foolproof disguise (he insisted you wear one too, although it wouldn’t really matter)

You’re having trouble keeping up with his energy, but soon become used to it

He takes you out shopping to buy you a birthday outfit (but he ends up modeling clothes himself, to your request)

The two of you are sitting at a bench, waiting for Savin to come with the car

“.......MC”

You turn your head towards him

He gets up, kneels down in front of you, and takes out a small container

“Kiro?”

He doesn’t say anything, but instead opens the box (you become speechless at the sight of the ring, glowing in the moonlight)

“I bought this while you were in the bathroom” (he takes your hand and slips the ring on your finger)

“Kiro...I...”

“This is my reservation, MC! With this, (he kisses your hand) I’m yours forever. Happy birthday”

Lucien

He already knew your birthday was coming up

But was unsure of the exact date

Every time he asked, you would just play it off

“My birthday? It’s.........soon”

He didn’t want to go looking through your information to find out when it was (it would feel like his loss, or something)

He decides to make YOU tell him, yourself

He’s just so good with his words?

He’s looking at something on his phone during breakfast (something he rarely does)

“MC, look at this trait description for Scorpios”

You take his phone from him

“Do you think this description fits me?”

Strategic? Persistent? Secretive?? (if this isn’t Lucien, then who else is it)

“Yeah, I think it describes you perfectly!”

“Is that so? (you don’t notice the smile on his face) How about I read yours, too?”

“Sure! But I don’t know my sign...can you check XX/XX?” (insert birthdate here)

Bingo.

“So I assumed correctly. Happy birthday, MC”

You immediately realize what you just did (oh no)

“Um, Lucien. It’s not like I didn’t WANT to tell you....” (he just chuckles as you hang your head low)

“I know.” (he gets up to clear the dishes, and goes inside the bedroom)

He comes out wearing a coat, while you’re still sitting at the table

“Well? (you look at him as he straightens his coat collar) Aren’t you going to get dressed?”

--------------------

You wanted to avoid an extravagant celebration for your birthday

And he understood that perfectly

So he takes you to the movies, buys you dinner, and now you’re in his office (he said he wanted to show you something)

“Thank you, Lucien. I had a wonderful time today”

“You’re very welcome. But I’m afraid it’s not over just yet”

He opens a drawer and takes out a small wooden box

“Lucien? What’s this?” (you open the box, and see a beautiful pen inside)

“....is this...”

“I didn’t know what would be the best gift for your birthday.....”

“So you’re giving me Iridescent...?” (he nods slightly, appearing to be embarrassed)

“But this is your—“

“Favorite pen. Which is why I’m giving it to you”

“Does that make me your favorite person?” (you can’t believe you just said that)

This makes you blush profusely (he’s just SO good with words)

He laughs at the sight of your face going red (he hugs you while you’re holding tight to the box)

“Happy birthday......my favorite person”

Gavin

Why did he have to find out it was your birthday from Minor?

He doesn’t care that you hid it from him (he figured you had your reasons)

But it’s irritating that it was Minor. Of ALL PEOPLE

He’s having such a hard time deciding what to give you

After all, you prepared a big celebration for his birthday

“Bro, it’s gonna be okay! Chill!” (it took everything in him to not come over there and hit Minor)

“I’ll ask Boss what she wants as a present”

“What? NO”

“Don’t worry! I got this!” (Minor hangs up, leaving Gavin to pace around his room)

This was your first time celebrating your birthday with him (ever since he asked you out last year)

No wonder Birdcop is so nervous

He gets an idea of what to get you, and gets to work right away (it’s homemade!)

After pacing for 20 minutes, he decides to call you for a date

But drops his phone when you call him first (he stubs his toe while he breaks the fall)

“He-hello?” (he’s rubbing his foot, hiding his pain)

“Gavin! Where are you?”

“...what?”

“What do you mean, what? Our date! I’m in front of the aquarium right now”

He’s confused (somebody help him)

“A..aquarium?” (he flinches when he hears you sigh)

“Yes, the aquarium! Minor told me you were going to take me out on a date here. Am I wrong?” 

Birdcop’s actually thankful for Minor’s nosiness for once

“I’ll be there right away” (ride like the wind, Sparky)

--------------------

Your aquarium date goes by pretty quickly (he takes so many pictures of you?)

“Gavin, come here! You look like this sea lion!”

It was about time for the aquarium to close, so he takes you back home

As you were about to take off your helmet, it starts raining like crazy

Despite his constant I’m okays, you bring him in into your apartment to dry off

“You’re going to get sick, Gavin!” (getting sick was the LAST thing on his mind, right now)

He’s sitting awkwardly on a chair, while you go to put his shirt in the drying machine

But you feel something in his shirt pocket and take it out

“A necklace?” (Gavin immediately gets up and runs over to you)

It’s a necklace in the shape of a ginkgo leaf, with both of your initials carved in the back

There are rough edges here and there, but nonetheless beautiful in every way

“....Gavin....!” (he hides his face in his hands, and you notice that his ears and shoulders have turned red)

He coughs before offering to put it on for you (his calloused hands are a little shaky as they graze behind your neck)

“It’s not much but.....happy birthday”

UGH can someone give me an MLQC boy to celebrate my birthdays???

[nuggetisawesome]

Protect Your Browsing/Data Sharing

For free, because in this house I don’t believe in making people pay for basic human rights.

I’ve decided to share my browsing protecting tips here. Digital security is usually quite expensive, but it doesn’t have to be! In this day and age, you’ll be told to watch out for home-born hackers and ‘hacktivists’ accessing your data, but I gotta tell you, what your own governments and ISPs are doing makes this more important (aka: they’re worse). 

I know with all the TIKTOK IS SPYING ON YOU stuff, a lot of my friends have come to me seeking some advice on this. This is also great if you don’t want parents checking your browsing >_> just sayin’

If anyone has questions - drop me an ask! I’ll always answer for this topic. I am also happy to ‘expand’ on one of these suggestions if they’re unclear :) 

Note: This works under the assumption you have your default ISP provided router and can’t get another one for whatever reason. I will advise that if you can get an additional router, do so! Try to avoid the one the ISP has provided to you. 

Additional Note: This is not ‘optimal’. There is no such thing in security – everything has a backdoor. 

Let’s get cracking! This is a long, and thorough post, but I _do _have a pdf somewhere if you want it because it looks nicer :*) 

Use Tor to browse. 

There you go, there’s my advice leaves

https://support.torproject.org/ to Download/Install/Run.

Don’t change anything, except maybe using Tor in ‘bridge’ mode.

Okay, you can use other browsers (see: Chrome/Firefox), but they are not as secure as Tor.

USE A VPN IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE TOR! I prefer Firefox (extensions + good security)

________________________________________________________________

Install the following extensions if you have Chrome or Firefox:

Privacy Possum

Stops tracking cookies. PSA: Cookies are not evil, certain cookies can be.

Firefox:  https://addons.mozilla.org/nl/firefox/addon/privacy-possum/

Chrome: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/privacy-possum/ommfjecdpepadiafbnidoiggfpbnkfbj

Ghostery

Stops tracking adverts and cookies. Why do I need this in addition to Privacy Possum? Ghostery specifically looks at tracking cookie ads. It’s like adding MOAR POWAH to Privacy Possum.

Firefox: https://addons.mozilla.org/nl/firefox/addon/ghostery/

Chrome: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/ghostery-%E2%80%93-privacy-ad-blo/mlomiejdfkolichcflejclcbmpeaniij?hl=nl

HTTPS Everywhere

Enforces HTTPS. If you look next to the URL in your browser, you’ll see the little lock which indicates the specific URL is secure and uses HTTPS. Many websites still use the old HTTP, which is not as secure and you should NEVER EVER VISIT AN HTTP SITE ITS LIKE READING A BOOK OVER SOMEONE’S SHOULDER, thank you.

Firefox: https://addons.mozilla.org/nl/firefox/addon/https-everywhere/

Chrome: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/https-everywhere/gcbommkclmclpchllfjekcdonpmejbdp?hl=nl

Adblock Plus

Foff, ads.* Firefox: https://addons.mozilla.org/nl/firefox/addon/adblock-plus/

Chrome: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/adblock-plus-free-ad-bloc/cfhdojbkjhnklbpkdaibdccddilifddb

________________________________________________________________

DNS Settings

Ideally, you should change this on your router. ISPs use a default DNS – you don’t want to use anything those bastards say you should use. 

Use Cloudflare or OpenDNS:

Cloudflare is more secure overall and keeps up to standards in addition to not storing your data, whereas OpenDNS is great at avoiding malicious websites, just take your pick really 😊There are a ton of other options, feel free to google ‘free DNS servers’. Google has it’s own as well, but, yaknow, it’s Google.

Cloudflare

Primary Server: 1.1.1.1

Secondary Server: 1.0.0.1

OpenDNS

Primary Server: 208.67.222.222

Secondary Server: 208.67.220.220

Add these to your router settings:

In a browser, go to http://192.168.1.1/ or http://192.168.1.0/ (it varies per router). This will lead to your router’s configuration portal. Don’t have a router with a configuration portal? Throw it in the trash and tell your ISP they suck for giving it to you.

Login to the admin portal. If you have not configured this or set a password, try the default combinations: usernames are usually ‘admin’ or blank, the passwords are usually blank, ‘admin’, or ‘1234’.

Each router is different, navigate to where it asks for DNS values or servers, and enter the above addresses. You will see ‘Static’ near the DNS options, select it. This also ensures you’re in the right place. If you’re not sure what to do, look up the model/make of your router and check how you can change DNS.

Whilst you’re at it, change your WiFi password from the default one, and create a proper password for the WiFi portal login. If these two things are kept as default, all these protection methods are pointless as it is easy to crack your router passwords.

Can’t do this on your router because your parents are ds?* No worries! This can be done on your device! :) Yeah, I know how parents work. 

Windows OS

Go to Control Panel <Network and Internet < Network and Sharing Center

Click on the link next to “Connections:”* Click “Properties” in the dialogue that pops up.

Select Internet Protocol Version 4 < Click Properties < Select “Use Following DNS Servers” < Enter the primary and secondary server addresses

Do this again for Internet Protocol Version 6 in the list.

Boom. Windows is so nice to make this easy.

Mac OS

Go to Apple Menu < System Preferences < Network

Select the Network you’re connected to

Click Advanced

Select DNS Tab

Click the + button < Enter chosen DNS < Save

Linux OS

I’m going to assume if you’re using Linux, you know how to use the terminal and are using a modern Linux system. Enter these line by line. There are many ways to do this (Google is your friend)

·        sudo apt update

·        sudo apt install resolvconf

·        sudo systemctl status resolvconf.service (check that it is running)

·        sudo systemctl start resolvconf.service (to start it, use ‘enable’ instead of ‘start’ to enable)

·        sudo nano /etc/resolvconf/resolv.conf.d/head

·        nameserver YOUR.DNS.ADDRESS.HERE

·        nameserver YOUR.SECOND.DNS.ADDRESS.HERE

·        sudo systemctl start resolvconf.service

Android

Oh yeah, you can do this on phones too wiggles eyebrows. Note, if you’re using a VPN it will lock you out of editing this. Turn it off, edit your DNS, turn it back on. This can be tricky with mobile devices that have not been jailbroken (I don’t advise doing that if you have no clue what you’re doing).

Go to Settings < Connections < WiFi

Select the gear icon next to your current WiFi

Select Advanced < Ip Settings drop-down < Static

Enter chosen DNS options under “DNS 1” and “DNS 2”

iPhone

Go to Settings < Wi-Fi

Select the arrow button next to your current WiFi

Select DHCP tab, scroll down to DNS

Select DNS, and enter your DNS servers

TEST YOUR DNS IS WORKING:

OpenDNS: https://welcome.opendns.com/ (You’ll see a “Welcome to OpenDNS” message”

Cloudflare: https://www.cloudflare.com/ssl/encrypted-sni/ (You’ll see check marks for all fields)

________________________________________________________________

Turn of WPS on router. Enable encryption on router.

If you can access your router portal, find any sort of toggle or field that says “WPS” and disable it. WPS= bad.  

Wherever there is an option for WPA2 (or higher) to enable, enable it.

Enable the firewall on your router and Operating System – ALWAYS. If you disable this, you’re disabling an additional layer of security. Firewalls are confusing things and a royal pain in the ass to configure, but having the default is better than having nothing.

________________________________________________________________

Configure your browsers. 

Browsers have most things enabled by default, including tracking your location, turning your microphone on etc. Let’s disable that nonsense and make them ask you for permission because it’s 2020.

I’m using Chrome as an example below because it is INFAMOUS for this. Essentially, go through your browser and scroll through settings you don’t like.

Go to the little menu icon < select “Settings”

Sign out if it’s linked to your Google account. Let’s not give Chrome a reason to track your browsing history for your account >_>* Disable EVERYTHING:

Here, I turned off everything I would find annoying except autocomplete because I’m lazy.

NICE TRY GOOGLE, YOU CANT SAVE MY CREDIT CARD. (Seriously, don’t ever EVER autosave passwords/payment info).

The trick is to balance ease of use with security. These may vary from person to person, in general though, if there’s a setting ‘ask before etc.’ select that over ‘allow’. 

As a rule of thumb:

NEVER ENABLE FLASH (not even an  ‘ask before’), NEVER ENABLE LOCATION (ask before is fine, but at your own risk), NEVER ENABLE CAMERA (ask before is fine, but at your own risk, use the desktop version of an application over the browser version), NEVER ENABLE MICROPHONE (same as camera)

________________________________________________________________

Additional Tipss

Check every single social media setting. You should disable anything that accesses your privacy, if possible.

Cover your camera with a sticker. Disable it unless it’s needed

Disable your mic unless you need it.

Turn off Bluetooth/NFC when you don’t need it.

Have two separate networks/Wi-Fi for smart devices and personal devices.

Always use two/multi-factor-authentication for every single app, site, device etc. that you can.

Biometrics are preferable and the usual chosen default (fingerprints, retina scan, NOT FACE OR VOICE THIS IS SO EASY TO IMMITATE BRO PICTURES ARE A THING)

SMS (try to avoid if you can, please)

App ‘token’ authentication. A good choice if done well.

Hard physical key or token. The best option (Google: Yubikey, for some information on how this works).

Passwords

I know you use the same password for everything – get a centralized password manager, and start using different ones. Examples include PasswordSafe, Keeper, Bitdefender etc. Try go for a Cloud provider, and pay a little bit for the extra security and backup. If they’re compromised, then you will know, and you’ll be able to change everything. You can tie password managers to a token too.

USE PASSPHRASES, 17 characters is a good average length, use a mix of characters, uppercase, lowercase, numbers, ascii etc.

It doesn’t matter if your password is ‘complex’, it matters if it is complex and long. Servers and computers these days are jacked up on tech steroids and can bruteforce many things, given enough time.

Anti-virus.

EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE ONE, ON EVERY DEVICE. If you have a device that can add AV, add it. This goes for phones, PCs, smartTVs, you name it. 

Free versions are okay, some free ones I like are Bitdefender, Kaspersky, McAfee, Avast (hate their fihsfirstg89ewjg9srjgrd ads though).

Sorry Mac users, that belief that you don’t need one is from 2008. Windows has more security built in than Mac, which means Mac devices should 100% make sure they are adding an AV. 

VPN

Ahhhhh. The great VPN. A tricky one. Most free versions I find incredibly slow, but give them a try – play around! A VPN is an excellent addition and these days, I’d argue it’s an absolute must. Many AV solutions include a VPN package with their deal. If you want to make sure those sites don’t share your data, this is the thing that will hurt the most - a good VPN will make it a jumbled mess. 

Updates - just do them.

There is no complete security in this day and age – it really is just a matter of time. If you use social media, you’re traceable, be it by the company, ISP, some bored 10 year old, or your ex, your data is out there circulating. Once it’s on the internet, it’s there forever, so don’t worry too much and try to make sure it’s all complex binary trash so that they open it and go “WTF” 😊

[itgetsbetter-ff]

Chapter 1 ~ Wake Up Call

**6 MONTHS EARLIER**

Andrea Dominique

“MA!!!!!! CAN YOU COME GET THE TWINS PLEASE!!!!!” I screamed while I was in the bathroom,

My little brothers were bothering me while I was in the bathroom, they were 8, and absolutely annoying.

I heard my mom come into my room, and yell at the boys, “Micah and Major! Why are you bothering your sister!”

They both mumbled, but I didn’t really pay attention. “Go find your father somewhere! and get away from your sister’s bathroom.” She scolded

“Yes ma’am.” and they ran away.

I let go a sign of relief, until I heard a knock at the door, “Nique, hurry up with whatever you’re doing, we have to drop you off at to see your mother, and then we have family dinner tonight.”

I opened the door, and stood my mom in front of me. Technically, my step-mother but as far as I’m concerned she is my real mother. Giselle Cartier.  

By the look on my face, she knew I wasn’t too keen on the idea of my plans for the rest of the day.

“Look, Daddy and I don’t want to take you to see her, but until you’re 18, that’s the deal, twice a month.” She smiled, empathetically

“I know, but family dinner, like the whole family?” I grimaced

She laughed, “Yes, the whole family. Now get dressed sweetie.” She kissed my head and left.

I sighed sitting on my bed, now if it was just my family, I would be fine. But everyone? That’s not something I look forward too.

Now, we have my family:

My daddy is Dominic, My Mom is Giselle, My older brother is Dominic Zacharie Mason, My little sister is Adrianna Madison, My twin little brothers are Dylan Zane Micah and Dorian Zacharyah Major.

My Aunt Elizabethe, my mom’s sister, and her daughter Zoey Kaliea.

My Aunt Olivia and Uncle Jeremiah and Their kids, Marie, Maurice, and Aiden

My Uncle X and his ex wife my aunt Kamryn, with their kids, Kamani, Kamari and Xavier III

My uncle Rakim and his wife my aunt Rosie and their son AJ

My aunt Lei

and last but not the greatest, the most two horrible people in my family, my own older sister Angelique Marie and my aunt Liv’s daughter Sage Elise.

You’d think, I would get along with my own sister, but I haven’t and I never have.

“NIQUE!! IT’S TIME TO GO!!!!” My daddy yelled.  

“COMING!”

~

You’d think visiting my birth mother in jail would be the worst part of my day, but it truly wasn’t.

My real mom is Alexxandra Kaitlyn Rossi. My full name is Andrea Dominique Rossi Cartier. and I prefer to just be called Dominique Cartier.

The reason she’s in jail, is because she shot and almost killed my father, aunt and brother, while killing a judge, and 2 officers. She got pregnant with me to get my dad away from my step mother. But we see how that all worked out.

My real mom hates my step mom and vice versa. Whereas, I adore my stepmom, And sometimes, my real mom prefers Angelique over me. and I cant stand my sister.  So as you see we don’t have the best relationship.

Sitting in the car, Maddie whispered to me, “Nique, you okay?”

I nodded my head, “Are you worried about Angel?” She asked again

I shrugged, “ I would just rather she not speak to me, but you know how that goes.”

Maddie just nodded, “Well let’s hope she’s not on 1000 tonight.”

“Let’s hope.” 

~

Sitting at the table, everyone was talking and laughing, enjoying everyone’s company. I was sitting by Zoey, or as I call her Lea, we are the same age, 16, and our birthdays are a few months apart, with her being older. She’s literally my best friend.

We were talking about school and the latest party coming up, when Angel and Sage walked in, as late as always.

Angel went around the table giving hugs and hello to everyone at the table except me. Sage did the exact same thing, only she said hi to me. And just by my luck, the only two chairs available were across from Lea and I.

“Angelique.” My father scolded.

“Yes daddy?” She said batting her eyelashes at our father.

“Angelique Marie, stop. Say hello to your sister.” He said  

“I did Daddy, I said hello to Maddie.”

Lea whispered under her breath, “Here we go again.”

That’s when Aunt Lizzie gave her a look, and she instantly shut up.

“It’s fine Daddy, she doesn’t have to speak to me. I’m okay.” I said, trying to smile, but it was totally fake

“Angelique.” My mother said sternly, Angel knew not to play with Mommy.

Sighing, she turned towards me and grimaced. “Half-breed, how you doing?”

“I’m great bitch, how are you?” I replied back while looking at the menu

Before she could even say anything back, my mother slapped the table and scared the both of us.

“Andrea, how are you?” She asked again, she knew that name makes my skin crawl

“I’m fine Angelique, how are you? By the way, Katie says hi.” I smirked.

The way she looked at me, I knew I was going to pay for that, but she knows the name Andrea pisses me off, just like the mentioning of my birth mother pissing her off.

Everyone around us, was still talking, but Angel and I just death glared at each other.

God, can tonight just be over with? 

Marie

After dinner, we all went over uncle Dominic’s and Auntie Gi’s house. I always loved their house and being around them. I was the only girl cousin my age, Mason, Maurice and Aiden were my age, but they all had each other. It wasn’t the same as Sage and Angel or Kaliea and Dominique. Hell, I had Mani and Mari, but they stayed secluded to themselves most times.

“Marie, what are you doing?” Aunt Lei asked

“Nothing, just chilling, how about you?” I asked

“Nothing,”

“Aunt Lei, can I ask you a question?” I quizzed

“Sure, Honey.”

“Do you think that Sage will ever be that mean to me, like Angel is to Nique? You and Mommy have different dad’s and y’all were best friends.”

“Honey, I can’t speak for Sage, she’s your big sister.”

“Yeah, but she doesn’t hang out with me, like she use to. She’s 25, I’m only 20, She hangs out with Angel, more than she does with me.”

“Well, for a long time, it was just Sage and Angel, then came everyone else, they’ve been Best Friends since diapers. But if it’s bothering you that much you should talk to her about it. Okay?”

“Yes ma’am” I sighed,

That didn’t really help but okay.  

“What’s the matter?” I heard Reese say,

“Nothing,” I spoke quickly

I knew that if Maurice knew I was upset, he would tell Aiden and they would confront Sage and tell my parents. I don’t need that right now.  

I’m the oldest of both Maurice and Aiden and they act like I’m the most fragile thing in the world. Okay, am I the most sensitive, yes, but I don’t always need protection from my little brothers. or my cousins. or my parents.

“What’s wrong Ree.” Aiden asked

I looked at the both of them, you would think they were twins instead of me and Maurice, I rolled my eyes.

“Nothing. Why aren’t y’all with Mason, somewhere not bothering me.”

“Mason is arguing with his bitch, again” They both said, looking annoyed as hell.

Shit, I was annoyed, and I’m the sensitive one. Courtney is one annoying bitch. Literally no one likes her in the family. I’ve heard my auntie Gigi tell Mason, that if he ever got her pregnant with her grandchild, she would kill Mason and tell God he died. This girl literally rubs everyone the wrong way. and the fact that Courtney isn’t her real name cracks me up.

“You know if Aunt Gigi finds out that Treasure La’Quasia is here, she will have a fit.” I giggled.

“Bro, Don’t let Angel, Maddie or Nique hear you say that name, cause you know all three of them will go off together.” Aiden laughed

I shook my head, “I guess”

 Mason 

“Courtney, I’m going to tell you one more time, stop hitting me bruh.” I was seriously getting annoyed with her, I took her hands and slightly shoved her away from me.

She knows today is family day, and she wanna start this shit TODAY! While my whole ass family is in my house, like my mom, sisters and cousins won’t beat her ass.

“NO FUCK YOU MASON!” She yelled pushing my head yet again

“Who the fuck this bitch in your phone!” She yelled at me

“Bruh, you act like you’re my girlfriend …….. you bugging my nigga.” I sighed.

She’s yelling at me, for no reason. Courtney acts like she’s my girlfriend, when she’s not. I don’t take her out on dates, I just call her when I want them cheeks. The fact that she met my entire family was strictly by mistake. My maw maw saw her ONE TIME, and then let her stay for the whole day. When I tell you I was salty as fuck. I was salty as fuck. Now she always want to come over and start shit with me, I don’t even have a girlfriend.  

“Who is she Dominic Zacharie.” She said smartly

“I don’t know Treasure. Since we using first names” I spat back

“MY NAME ISN’T TREASURE!” She screamed.

“Can you please shut the fuck up. My WHOLE Family is in the house! You know if my Ma or sister catch you out here, that’s your ass.”

I saw the fear come across her face, and she quickly removed it for a strong exterior.

“No one scared of your fucking sisters.” She spat

I chuckled, She know damn well she scared of Angel and Dominique, she slightly scared of Maddie too. Listen, I understand being scared of Angel, she scares me majority of the time. I also understand Dominique. Angel fought Domi so much that she taught her how to fight. But being afraid of my 12 year old sister Maddie, that’s what cracks me up.

“Oooooooooh, you know you not supposed to be here.” Major said

“They bout to whoop your ass,” Micah said

Before I could even say anything to stop the terrible two, they both screamed.

“ANGEL, TREASURE OUTSIDE WITH MASON!”

Aw, hell here we go.

Angelique

I was on the balcony in my old room, on FaceTime with my nigga. I missed him, but him traveling all the time kinda put a damper on our relationship. You know him being famous and all.

I was all in my own world, when my daddy came to talk to me. So, I had to get off the phone with bae. The way he looked at me, I knew this was about Andrea.

“Daddy, please, I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“I don’t give a damn. You need to be nice to your sister, Your mother and i didn’t raise you like that Marie.”  

I knew he was serious when he called me Marie,

“But Da-“

“But nothing. She’s your little sister. Just like Maddie. Just like Mason, Major and Micah are your little brothers.”

“The only difference between Maddie, Mason, Major and Micah, and I versus Andrea. We have a mother that is Sane. Her mother is the reason why you have to walk with a cane some days or why Mason’s right arm gets in excruciating pain when the weather changes or when Aunt Liv gets Migraines to the point she can’t even see.”

“But you cant blame Dominique, for her mother’s actions.”

“Daddy, I saw you get shot, and I saw Mommy crying over you. I tried to run to catch you before you fell. I saw you in a coma, I saw you fall every time you tried to walk. Because Andrea was born, mommy took us and left for 2 months. I can never forgive that.”

My daddy sighed, “Could you at least try to call her Dominique. You know she hates Andrea.”

I rolled my eyes, “I don’t know why she’s named after you in the first place. We all have M’s for Middle names, or A’s and D’s/Z’s  for first names. Angelique Marie, Dominic Zacharie Mason, Dylan Zane Micah, Dorian Zacharyah Major, and Adrianna Madison. She’s an Odd ball out.”

“I didn’t name her, her mother did. and she’s not named after me, she’s named after DJ.” He said softly

“And What was his name Dominique Maurice Cartier II,  Who, I BELIEVE, is named after you, so point invalid, daddy.” I giggled. “You know I got his name tatted on my wrist.” I smiled brushing the ink.  

 That’s the only thing Mason, Andrea and I have in common. The same matching tattoo of our brother’s name in honor of his memory. 

“I know, and that put you in a great mood with her for awhile, and a terrible one with your mother.” He chuckled

“Can you at least please try for me Princess?” He quizzed

“I can try, but I cant make any promises”

“Thank you.” He said kissing my forehead, then he got up and left.

No, I have never like Andrea, Not since we were little. I didn’t play with her, I didn’t claim her as my sister, nothing. It might seem childish, but I didn’t view her as my sister. She came from a monster. A demon and I don’t fuck with half-breeded, demons or even real demons.  

I left the balcony, as it was getting too cold, and I looked around my room as I went to go pee in the bathroom that connected to my room. Teenage me had some good ass taste. I had to fight mommy so she wouldn’t change my room into Maddie’s or even Andrea’s. but I’m glad that it’s still a place, where I can come and relax with my family.

After i finished using the bathroom, and I washed my hands, I went to dry them  and I saw a pregnancy test in the trash.

I picked it up with toilet paper, and it read positive.  

Before I could even think about what do next, I heard Major and Micah

“ANGEL, TREASURE OUTSIDE WITH MASON!”  

I wrapped the test up and hid it in my purse, grabbed my hair tie off the dresser and zoomed downstairs because I know I’m about to hit this bitch.

~~~~~~~~

By time I hit the front door and walked on the front porch, my mother and aunt was standing out there. They knew if I got too close, I was going to knock her the fuck out.

I spoke calmly, “Treasure, why are you here? I told you what would happen the next time I saw you didn’t I?”

“Bitch, shut the fuck up.” She spat

I nodded my head laughing while tying up my hair, “See, there we go with that bitch word again. I told you about that last time, didn’t I?” 

“Angelique, she isn’t worth it.” My Aunt Liv said

But that went in one ear and out the other. I was ready to dead this hoe. Why my brother decided to fuck her? I don’t know but, she was too disrespectful for my taste. I saw Andrea and Maddie sneaking up on the sides of her, while everyone was paying attention to me not getting to her. Big mistake

“Bitch, you’re not going to hit me, you can’t even get to me!” She yelled again  

I nodded my head, while she was talking all that trash. Cause I knew that Andrea or Maddie was gonna knock her the hell out. They know how to fight because of me.

“But I can” Andrea said, and snuck the bitch and she was on the ground.

Everyone turned around, and that’s when I ran and beat that bitch ass.  

~~~~~~~~

After the fight was over, and everyone calmed down and left, I helped my mom clean up everything and settled the house. By time we finished it was about 2 in the morning, there was no way in hell I’m driving all the way to Sage’s and I’s apartment.

“Mommy, is it okay I stay the night? I’m tired.”

“That’s fine I don’t care. Behave yourself Angelique.”  

I sighed knowing what she meant, “I’m just going to bed. I promise.”

She nodded her head, and we turned off all the lights and turned on the alarm, and went upstairs  

“Night Honey.” She yawned as she walked into her room

“Night mommy.”

I walked into my room, and just collapsed on my head. I took off my shoes, socks and pants. Reached in my night stand and pulled out my extra bonnet and charger, tied up my hair and plugged up my phone, and snuggled up in my King sized bed.

I was damn-near sleep, when I heard commotion in the bathroom. Hearing her say “Where is it? Where is it?”  I rolled my eyes,

“I promised mommy, I would behave myself. I don’t know why they joined our rooms together by a bathroom.” I mumbled to myself  

I got up and opened the door to the bathroom, and Andrea jumped  

“You scared me!” She said

I rubbed my eyes, “Why are you on the floor, making a shit ton of noise.”  

“No reason, I’m fine Angelique. Go back to bed please” She sniffled

I took a closer look at her, “Why are you crying? and why are you digging through the fucking garbage.”

“No reason,”

I shook my head, and went to close my door, when I remembered my purse. I went over to it, and got the pregnancy test out of it, going back to the door.

“Is this what you’re looking for?” I say to her, handing it to her

While she was kneeling on the ground, she took the test out of my hand cautiously, closed her eyes, took a breathe and then looked at the test. She instantly started crying.

“Andrea-“

“PLEASE STOP CALLING ME THAT!” She screamed

“I’m just trying to help!” I yelled back

“Help how Angelique! What are you going to do, tell Mommy and Daddy. Make you look like you’re the ‘Angel’ that everyone thinks you are! Exile me even more because Giselle isn’t my real mom and Katie is!!! I’m pregnant! Are you going to call me names because you know I cant do anything about it!!!”

“An-Dominique, no, I wasn’t, You’re 16 years old” I said  

“I know how fucking old I am Angelique.” She snapped.

“Fine then, I’m going back to bed. Good Luck with that shit.” I said turning around, going back into my room.

She started crying harder than before and wrapped her arms around herself, “Gigi… please. I’m scared.” she whispered

I stopped in my tracks, she hasn’t called me that since we were little, I forbade her from doing so. 

I knew she was desperate and serious when she said it to me.

“I’m 16, pregnant, Daddy and mommy are going to kill me. I don’t know what to do.”

I turned around and came back into the bathroom, I sat on the floor and decided to hug her, and she backed up at first.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to give you a hug.” I rolled my eyes

I tried again, and she instantly hugged me back and started bawling on my shoulder.

I just continued to hug her and rub her back until she cried herself to sleep.

[tristallyn]

THE UPDATED STATE OF THINGS:

internet reconnected successfully

controller is. less than functional (it doesn't hold a charge, the cable won't sit right to keep it on without me constantly plugging and unplugging it, and i have yet to find a replacement cable) but it functions well enough to let me Try and log in

Sony requests a device password which is new from last time

(SIDE TANGENT: The e-mail i had put in originally and was saved to the system was wrong which makes me assume it was allowing me to log in with that. And sony seemed to back that up as when i tried to reset the password it said it could! implying there was an account there!

which is very concerning, considering its an email we seemingly didnt have access to anymore.

and then i CHECKED. THE E-MAIL DOESNT FUCKING EXIST. I PUNCHED IN THE OTHER ONE THAT WAS REAL AND IT FEELS FAMILIAR ENOUGH FOR ME TO SAY I JUST HAD THE WRONG ONE SAVED. WHY!!!!!!!! WHY WAS IT TREATED AS IF IT WAS REAL!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

ANYHOW. the og account is my Mom's (because i was 9 to 13 years old. bro did not have an email) and due to my lack of knowing if this sony account was used for anything other than ps3 i decided to just make my own and re-sign it up and investigate tomorrow

so i do. i generate a device password

turns out i have to make a new profile to assign the new sony account to because despite me putting in the new email it just tells me i cant use someone else's device password

okay. so i do. i make a new profile. i go to sign in.

i put in the device password where it tells me to. it brings me to the Same menu telling me to generate a new device password. i cannot progress any further

This Is Where I Am Stuck Currently

people told me you could turn on 2 factor authentication to break the loop and make it work so i did. didnt fucking work.

The most response i ever got was my mom's account telling me i couldnt use someone else's device password so at least it RECOGNIZED it which makes me think i will in fact have to password reset into my mom's account to get in.

Functional Console

all i wanna do is play little big planet god damn im not even to anything custom yet im just trying to log into a normal account

lbp union......... i need to set this up i gotta return to my ancestral homeland (literally any form of littlebigplanet online on ps3)

[brookstones]

Do you have any hcs for the other elemental masters? Griffin and toxita will forever be my faves but theres like... no content for them lmao

i have bad memory so i cant rly remember all of the masters very well, but i have a few hcs for some of them!

karlof• he was an aeronautical engineer  for 15-20 years before deciding to retire. he took up chen’s invitation to the tournament to test his strength and prove he was still as strong and capable as ever • hes in his late 40s-early 50s. he married a woman in his 30s, but they divorced after 5 years and never had children • he has a short temper and is often very curt with others, but holds a deep respect for those who are/were in his field of work, and is very polite with them

griffin • he loves sonic the hedgehog. he absolutely loves him. he has every game and every comic and sonic satam on dvd in a boxed set • he also loves warner bros cartoons! he loves classic cartoons in general! ask him about tex avery and he’ll go on a 20 minute tangent about how amazing and important his work was • he talks really fast and energetically- when he’s invested in a conversation he’s a blur of excited hand gestures and quick words

neuro • a total bookworm! he’s read every book in the ninjago city public library at least twice. there’s no genre he doesnt love! • he has ptsd as a result of participating in the tournament of elements. any mention of chen/his noodle house sends him into a panic attack. griffin is the only one who can really calm him down • he rarely gets migranes, but when he does, theyre absolutely horrendous. they incapacitate him for days and keep him from moving or doing p much anything

tox • she has a special interest in nuclear energy! she finds the concept fascinating and spends lots of time reading about/watching documentaries on nuclear plants• she has an affinity for gardening, but her element makes taking care of plants difficult. she compensates by playing farming sim games! • tox loves every edgy scene band you listened to in middle school. mcr? yes. botdf? yes. three days grace? oh absolutely

shade • he and griffin love to prank people! they spend hours coming up with elaborate plans and then days making sure every minute detail is completely perfect. those they prank are usually so impressed by their dedication that they cant even get angry • sometimes he gets overwhelmed in loud/crowded places, so he’ll use his elemental power to teleport somewhere quiet where he can calm down • lots of the other masters go to him for ‘counselling.’ they all agree hes a great listener and gives great advice- some even jokingly say that his signature element should be psychology

skylor • has a thing for sweets! whenever she visits the ninja, she and cole will team up to steal treats from the kitchen. one time they tried to swipe a cake that kai had baked, but kai is much more protective of the food he makes than zane, so it didnt work out • once she took control of her father’s noodle business, she added on new menu items inspired by the ninja as a way of thanking them for all they did • she loves to paint her nails, and will gladly paint the nails of anyone who asks! she can make some amazing nail art!

[chimcharstar]

ANSWER 1 THROUGH 65 HO

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

WPOOOOO LETS GO 

Y E E T

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

nnnnooooooo. its called holding onto my last marble.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. sometimes i can freak myself out going to the bathroom at night but bro. i take walks at like 11pm or whenever the hell i please. and i LIKE IT.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

i would not care to meet dick face

4. What is your favorite word?

worm

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

well darn i dont really knowwww!!!!!!! the big jungle one from minecraft. but i love weeping willows of course.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didnt think

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my pyjama shirt from new vegas. las vegas. oh my god. not that i went there. my friend did. ive been wearing it for 3 days now. because its fine.

8. What do you label yourself as?

androgynouOOUUSSSSSSS i heard it described the most accurately for me as “in between blue and pink, purple is a blend while not being either of them.” yes this SPECIFICALLY. i could never be feminine while female presenting, but now that im usually read as masculine i go around seeming gay as fuck. and even though this sounds like heresy considering how i instinctively want to throat punch people who feminize me, i have comfortably considered myself a woman lately ONLYYYYYYYY BY being as butch as a butch can possibly butch. maybe without the cars. i would NEVER go by she/her NEVER NEVER NEVER. like there literally are butch women who go on T and use he/him pronouns. that brings me euphoria too and i find people reallllyyyyyy get mind-bent at this point. i really also get irritated at the idea that identifying with both lessens one or the other... thats why i like the purple thing so much. like im 100% of the thing. i was watching on queer eye, once, there was this part where all these women met up and one of them who was really masculine was saying how “a woman can look like this too” and i was like “i am probably crying for an important reason right now” and sometimes i feel attraction to women that is nOT of the ManTM just... i can do what i want. 

but my point is it’s like im only happy if i have a blend. theres even a particular quality of it i can put my finger on, like a rugged, handsome feel... and then a flamboyant, passionate feel... mix em all up... 

9. Bright room or dark room?

BRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT 

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

transition juice, or fucking around with cs paint with some gentle existential dread

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this one, because my life is not hell, and i know a few basics about adulting now

12. Who told you they loved you last?

the sister. i said it for damage control because she had blown a fuse the other day. i was being very fake on purpose because i’m not being vulnerable with someone who will blow up. when she says it all i feel is pain. like cold paralyzing needles in my soul. i cant say i love you to her and mean it, even if i want to. honestly i wish people would say this to me. the most i love yous i remember are from family members putting band aids on the wreckage of our relationships, so i can feel a little twang of guilt and longing for what could have been and should have been. and feel like i should be doing something more. and feeling awkward because you both know they fucked up and it’s the elephant in the room. and i can feel their confusion and sickness causing them pain, feeling that pain for them. 

13. Your worst enemy?

hmmm. anyone who made me feel like less than i am. anyone 

14. What is your current desktop picture?

cherry blossoms and a city at night that i stole off the internet

15. Do you like someone?

like like crushes right? i fucking wish. i am so god damn sick of myself. i dont feel fuck or shit for anyone. its a fucking wasteland. yes im on T so i want to fuck anything that moves. and yet? can i please have some feelings? please may i have some feelings? not aesthetic appreciation. not moral, personality appreciation. or even just a deep respect and compassion. these are all fine things of course. but cant someone just drive me crazy? cant i have that extra spice of life? cant i just have a little bit of happy crazy? i will know a perfectly lovely person and ill WANT to have feelings for them. but i FUCKEN DONT. I DONT!!!! SHIT!!!!! WHAT IS THE MEANIGN?!?!??!??!?!1 i have fucking YET to meet anyone im more obsessed with than some really gay ocs. come on universe!!!! bring it!!! poor oscar. poor fucking oscar. whatever wavelength im vibing on man you are not on it. i wish you were on it. i wish you were on it oscar. you are hot you are hot with your bike oscar. and the rose quartz i gave you. the rose quartz you wanted. but i feel no authentic electric connection to you. i feel like all i just see is how your brain works with a coolheaded certainty. all i do is analyze what you are wearing so i can be as hot as you. maybe id like to draw you. and girls from work. you are so beautiful and amazing. i see you in bikinis on instagram. and im like oh beauty standards. look at you go, adhering to them. my heart rate goes right along at the same old pace. dont tell me this is principles. does someone have to smell bad? like edward cullen?? CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SEDUCE ME?!!!?? ID LOVE SOME EXTRA WILL TO LIVE! THEN MY STORIES WILL BE BETTER!!!! see this is the whole problem

16. The last song you listened to?

what am i to you by finn the human or actually that asgore fight song that i do not know the context of and dont want to until i play the game for myself

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

i would save this button for a karen.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

jk rowling. every time i see her face in a news article about why her bland new transphobia anvil book is pretty bland without addressing the raging transphobia in it and around it, i take a minute and contemplate shoving a pie in her face, and agonizing that i cannot do it from this distance.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

a... slave? is this a kink thing? im fucking laughing this is going to be so honest. probably a toxic person from my past i have unresolved sexual tension with, especially since i was in my abused kid shell and was a huge doormat so now im all vengeful with issues. since this is totally something i am open to considering right now i would like to browse this concept’s menu

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

yknow what? yknow what? i am just going to say all of me. i am feeling very body positive right now. i often feel isolated as fuck because of trans stuff and male body standards, but thats Also What Makes Me Special :) i like me, i like my face, i think i am very cool and unique, and i can walk fast.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING QUESTION AGAIN

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

yes. but it’s a secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

deep sea creatures. idk. even if its small and not even ugly. i just lose my fucking mind. i jump out of my chair. i get the heebies and the jeebies.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

okay. chicken. cheese. something spicy so it wont be boring. a fuck ton of veggies so i can be healthy. and some olives, fuck olive haters.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

IM GOING TO GIVE IT TO MY LANDLORD <3

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

mexico city to see what all my friends are talking about.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

............................................................................

w    h       y

okay. i would go around tasting a bunch of fucking. really fancy old wines. listen i dont really drink okay. but with a very fancy old wine i can go around with a like, glass and look really sophisticated and tell gay things to gay people. hello boys. so id find one that strategically i would like the most for the rest of my life and choose it. and if its expensive i can sell it.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i would stick a bell in the middle of it and all of us have to go there at six o’clock and throw bread at each other and fuck.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

cunt. i dont really use it ever, but boy it can pack a punch! 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

that means my trees because theyre living things? good. my phone. i need it to function. everything else i have on the clouds and i can just write on a napkin if i really need.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

:( 

i wanna say nothing because the good and the bad made me who i am and all that. and they’re learning experiences and healthy stuff. but some of my sisters abuse that has destroyed my psyche, literally just ruined my life, it would make things easier if that hadnt happened.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

WHAT I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS LIFE STOP TELL ME HOW I GET THERE

Okay i’m moving to... greece and i’m going to study ancient greek everything and live right on the edge of the sea where the water’s lapping the doorsteps. and im gonna learn greek by immersion

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

i am not surprised whatsoever death is a cool entity.

probably someone who died really sadly and too soon in my life (no one close to me thank god) but just as a service to society

34. What was your last dream about?

wolves with bombs were chasing me around a giant university. it was all part of the game. i was trying to protect some people... soldiers were chasing me... i was hiding under the floor... hiding from authorities and war are VERY common dreams for me

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Writer? Yes. am i saying that to sound full of myself? no. i am fighting very hard to maintain some self-confidence. i have done some writing recently and i am proud as fuck of myself. i caught myself thinking, “now that was banging, i know that was banging.” and so i just admitted it to myself.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nooooot reeeaaaalllyyyyyy. i went in an ambulance for my face swelling up! still dont know if i needed to. still think i was allergic to the person i was talking to at the time. seriously when i stopped talking to them the hives went away. they literally gave me hives sdjfnskjndsjknfkjsfnjskdnfdsjknfjknf

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

they have inuyashas on them

39. What type of music do you like?

dark, longing, aching, angry, raw, disappointed, serious, low songs that get intense as fuck.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises for the concept, sunsets for the looks

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

you know what? i dont really like milkshakes. they dont feel good in my tummy even if it’s not my stomach having a fucking meltdown.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

the fuck is football

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, most of them are from dermatillomania, two big cool-looking ones on my hands from touching a cookie sheet without an oven mitt and pouring microwaved coffee all over my thumb because literally every inch of the counter had a foot of dishes on it and i didn’t simply heat up the water normally because everything was dirty

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

i want to be a psychologist and an author

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

id like a dong please

46. Are you reliable?

yeeeeeesssssss...... but the adhd wins sometimes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

future self: even if you’re in a worse off place than where i am right now, don’t regret anything, don’t beat yourself up. sometimes it’s realistic to have hope. you don’t have to be hard on yourself all the time just because it’s familiar and natural to you. so stop thinking “if i see a note from my past self ill be filled with rueful self awareness”

48. Do you hold grudges?

yes. i feel like im saving my soul a little and taking some power back when i am able to say “that hurt, that was wrong, and you don’t get access to me anymore, i don’t have to forgive you” it’s admitting that my own pain is real so i can listen to and protect myself. i wish i was more of a forgiving person but i spent too much time trying to forgive unorganically for the sake of being moral that i just can’t, can’t can’t now. it hurts so existentially and i deserve better. time for me to be mean and hold grudges. a little mean is okay.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a DOG  CAT????????

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“doesn’t having a human-shaped robot with smoke coming out of it in the corner of your shop scare you late at night?”

“yes, sometimes i see it and jump a little”

51. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i’m dedicated. getting my birth certificate back? oscar worthy

52. How long could you go without talking?

i live like this lmao

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

once upon a time i had bangs. and a bob cut

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yes bitch

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes bitch i can do a convincing british accent but i don’t want to broadcast that fact because being british is cringe and plus my name is gordon and im already trans and interested in cooking and my greatest fear is that people think i am trying to become him when i am deeply offended when people assume i make personal decisions for anyone other than myself. no one has ever actually voiced this theory to me but it haunts me late at night. i can honestly probably do any accent if i listen to it for a little bit. i find it very easy to imitate sounds and like individual speaking styles to the point of stealing them even when i dont want to. like actually this is something that just comes to me easily i think.

56. What do you like on your toast?

fuck toast. i make a grill cheese. cheese and garlic.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

i tried digitally painting a generic girl who ended up looking really simliar to someone i went to school with only i made the eyes way too small and i would show you except it’s too much work

58. What would be you dream car?

vw bug with giant monster wheels, black with flames, big booming stereo. eyelashes in a drag way. ill run pickup trucks off the road

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i sang in the shower back when i felt free to annoy everyone in the house. oH WAIT IT DOESNT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE KIND TO ME

...........

they taught me i was annoying. ANYWAY. i am too shy to sing in the shower but id love to. i dont really do anything unusual except that i take really long in there but yknow im not actually doing what people think im doing when i take long. im literally just sitting there decomposing, head empty.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes, of course, i have been telling everyone theres water under mars since day one and now look. now look

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yes. im a sagittarius and clearly it is needed because CLEARLY theres no other fucking sagittariuses

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

G, because my name starts with that and i’m just great. really, i like... it has a chonk to it. like a reliable chonk to it

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

YKNOW WHAT? im going with dragons because of the fantasy, fire breathing and so on but yknow for my wip i was going to have both dragons and dinosaurs at a reptile like shelter

64. What do you think about babies?

i think they should be loved and nurtured, but they are too much work for me to want for myself at this point of life, and you should definitely read some manuals before having one if you can because people can and do mess this the fuck up

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

you didn’t ask anything here so im just going to tell you something. i am going to tell you that i have always been so hell bent on writing even when i hate it because sometimes when things are going well i feel like i am just so in another world and i feel like im doing something im really really supposed to do. it is such a euphoria and it has an effect on my whole aura. i really wish i had never made myself stop but we can’t change the past so i shall just have to never stop again.

THANKS HOOOOO

[fuckyeahmaygan]

I found this in my inbox anonymously...

Below is the letter I found in my inbox, it was sent in February anonymously. To her future man: There are some things you need to know bro. Her favorite color is blue but you'll only ever see her wear black. She'll refuse to eat carbs if she hasn't exercised so make her enjoy some good food. Btw she's not one of those girls afraid to eat in front of guys. Her weakness is Girl Scout cookies or chicken nuggets.She loves coffee. She cant drive by aroma joes without going so just assume you're already going & turn in. Her favorite flavor of ice cream is coffee but she still reads every single flavor on the menu before choosing it. She's so determined on working out, I don't think I've ever seen anyone with that much drive in them & I'm so proud of her for that. She helps other ladies loose weight all year around for free without bragging or zero recognition. She cries when she's stressed & angry & sometimes all she needs is a big hug so hug her. If you want to see her cute cheeks blush & that perfect grin, remind her how beautiful she is. I don't know if you know this but she has these beautiful freckles that she hides away from everyone, you'll fall in love with every single one & when she's comfortable enough you get blessed to see them more often. There will be fights. She says "nothing is peaches n' cream" so much you'll miss it. But she's fighting and nagging because she cares & is worried. Shes in love with every dogshe meets and wants a pomsky. If you ever want to make her day bring her to a shelter she loves all animals. She's so understanding that you can tell her anything. She's a great listener& will want to know every piece of you so don't skimp out on a single detail. Despite being a great listener it's hard to crack open this mysterious women but you'll get there. Her exs ruined her, she'll get into her own head & just needs small reassurance everything is okay & some extra attention on certain days, who knows why. Due to her past she gets scared of guys with anger. She trusts nothing you say cause she's heard it a million times and watched it crumble her inside, show her actions. Don't be that guy. I ended up being one of them. She's going to apologize too much cause of her past. She's going to wonder if she's good enough for you and she feels the pressure. Her heart is gold & she's loyal & you'll wonder if you even deserve that, those thoughts will hit your head. Can I reciprocate everything she gives? How did I get so lucky? When you get these thoughts know that you are good enough and don't ruin it for yourself just for those reasons. All she wants is your time. Not money or gifts or take away your friends & life goals. If anything she builds you up higher. She panics over loud noises just tell her she's fine & grab her hand & don't ever pressure her & ask why. She can sleep through anything & always look so cute. She stays in the same position the entire night & I have no f'ing clue how. If she keeps rubbing her neck she's in pain, offer her a massage & play with her hair & watch her relax. She loves cuddling & getting as close to you as possible. These are the moments you'll miss the most so never take it for granted. Never give another girl your attention while you have hers because that's how you'll lose her. I loved her but I never deserved her. Last but not least remember that every guy wants her & just cause you have her doesn't mean you should stop working for her. She gives a lot & takes very little,oh man do I wish I did those tiny things she'd ask for. Don't make the mistake I did & leave because she was too good, because you won't find it in anyone else & you'll search for it & miss it when it's too late. Oh & can someone please teach her how to park.

[boleynns]

LOOSE ENDS, ASSHOLES.

I wrote this 3 days ago, because I just KNEW they were going to fuck it all up.

^PHOTO OF A LIAR, for reference. LONG list of pissed off thoughts below.

ON YOUR WATCH.

That Molly scene in TFP was so horrendous. I don’t even ship them at all, but really. How much of an asshole do you have to be???

How did John and Sherlock survive a bomb by jumping through glass windows and landing 2 stories down on the concrete with no injuries?

How did they get on that boat?

WHY were they on that boat?

WTF was that imaginary plane bullshit???

NO ONE CARES THAT THE DOG ISNT REAL, ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Why did Mary think John would pull away from Sherlock if she died, if she didn’t know she was going to die saving Sherlock? If she’d died ANY other way, John would have no reason to pull away.

Why did Mary give Sherlock the 10000% worst advice in the world (seriously, who tf tells their “friend”, who is a DRUG ADDICT, “GO FUCK YOURSELF on drugs, and GO DIE on purpose” on the random ass off chance that John would find this out in time???)?

Why did Mary have a slip of paper to knock Sherlock out prepared ahead of time?

Why did Mary tell Sherlock and John that “A.G.R.A.” was her initials, when if they had just looked at the fucking drive they would see her real name?

Why was she SOOOOO worried that Sherlock and John would look at the drive, if all that was on there were A.G.R.A.’s identities???

Why did Mary shoot Sherlock directly in the chest point blank, which did kill him enough that the doctors GAVE UP, if she wasn’t trying to fucking kill him dead forever?

Why would Mary not recognize Vivian (or at least, her voice) if A.G.R.A. worked with her?

If Mycroft dealt with freelancers, why did he not know Mary wasn’t fucking MARY???

Why would Mary name her daughter after an alias that could get said daughter KILLED??? AND WE FUCKING KNOW THAT NAME WAS DANGEROUS, BECAUSE MARY LEFT IT BEHIND TO BECOME “MARY MORSTAN” YOU IDIOTS

What did John’s letter to Sherlock say? If is wasn’t going to be addressed, why the fuck would you put it in the episode??

Why did Molly deliver such a hard “John would rather have anyone but you. Anyone” message if it had NO POINT.

Where did the baby go when everyone the baby knew was at John’s “Therapist’s” office at the beginning of TLD? And don’t give me that “it was with friendS” crap, literally only Sherlock, Molly, and Mrs. Hudson went to that kid’s babyshower for fuck sake, John has no other friends.

If you can’t handle the placement of a baby for ONE EPISODE, don’t write one into your show FOR LITERALLY NO REASON.

What was Sherlock’s reoccurring dream that he was telling Ella? Why put that in if it wasn’t important?

If Mary isn’t bad, and therefore wasn’t working with “Faith” and Culverton to set Sherlock up to die (which would have been a perfect and interesting conspiracy), HOW did “Faith” and Culverton know Sherlock would be drugged up enough to fall into their trap??

WTF was the POINT of Eurus texting with John IF SHE WASNT WORKING WITH MARY to mess with Him and Sherlock? Literally ZERO point to the “plot”.

Also, we see that John and Eurus see eachother for a 2nd time at the bus stop. I thought it was important, even though y’all acted like all they did was text, BUT NOPE just another loose end.

TD-12 was absolutely useless, and you spent SO MUCH time on it. 

why did mary keep repeating villain lines (“Miss me?” multiple times, “Anyone!” multiple times in her video, literally fuck off)

If mary had time to jump 5 feet to take a bullet after its already been shot than sherlock had time to jump out of the way you idiots

also the irony of your holier-than-thou deduction sequence when Sherlock got shot, about how big spurts of dramatic blood only happens in movies? You literally fucked yourself.

zero point to Sherlock and John’s extended “ROMANTIC LOVE WILL COMPLETE YOUUUUU” scene on every level, went no where

speaking of that scene, how did Sherlock hear “Mary” say that he should wear the hat???? HUH>?

Mrs. Hudson WATCHED Mary’’s DVD with sherlock, why was she all “OH, wonder what this is, what could it be, WOW LOOK JOHN its your wife???” later with John and Mycroft WHEN SHE KNEW SHERLOCK WAS PROBABLY DYING

Also why would she just let John watch that cold, knowing Mary’s face would show up??

Why did you make Irene a lesbian if you were going to keep making her ride Sherlock’s dick via text message AGAIN.

I’m sure she would want to tell you this if she was here, so I’ll relay the message: LITERALLY GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU “SHERLOCK CAN TURN A LESBIAN WOMAN STRAIGHT, HES JUST THAT AMAZING, NO HOMO!!!” ASSHOLES

why was John still crying about his no homo bro being dead after two years, no offense to my best friend but I will think of you really fondly but probably not be going to therapy forever and being all “I literally am so heartbroken that i cant even say the things that i wanted to say to him when he was alive”

speaking of that thing that he couldn’t say out loud to Ella the Therapist: i guess he just really wanted to tell sherlock “No homo tho”, just to make sure he knew that before he died

speaking of things unsaid - I guess the serious thing that sherlock was going to say to john on the tarmac, that he chose not to say for absolutely no decernable reason, was “Bro, I’m gonna miss you, bro! We had some good bro times bro, NO HOMO!!1!” and then they do that back-slap hug that guys do so things don't get too homo

no offense to the prop department, but that light-up skull, that would be either lit or not lit or COMPLETELY BLACK, was bullshit

speaking of bullshit: kindly shove all of those elephants up your ass

including that Take-Out menu on Mycroft’s fridge. I hope you get a paper-cut that never heals.

i might as well have not even bothered taking notes on these episodes, when I could have literally never watched the show before, not cared at all, and been totally fulfilled by everything by not giving a shit about details and character arcs and, you know, literally all of ACD’s original works.

OMG SHERLOCK HAS A SISTER, I don’t fucking care.

AW POOR MARY, John and her were clearly soooo in love!! - says a person who thinks couples that don’t want to be together even a little are super romantic

literally he was trying to leave his marriage like a month after it started, literally go fuck yourself

Your show made less sense, in terms of emotion and character arcs, than Guy Ritchie’s cash grab movies. Yeah. I said it.

“Look at us both”. YEAH, LOOK AT YOURSELVES IN THE MIRROR.

oh wait i forgot, you don’t know what a mirror is. what is literature? what are emotions? idk, lets make mary gasp for breathe and say “you were my whole world!!!” to john even though that makes zero fucking sense for her character or their relationship at all and does huge disservice to them both LOL

Mary could have been the most Awesome Badass Mastermind EVER but you fucked her

An Emotional Arc: Its this thing where characters (who, like people) have emotions (CRAZZY i know), and they start in one place emotionally, and end somewhere new through the story! Lets see:

Sherlock: Starts as a suave, kinda swashbuckling guy who tries to tidy up his apartment for John, asks him to dinner, and basically blushes at John’s attention. In the middle: a bit of an asshole, but one who literally tries to die for John over and over, and literally COMES BACK TO LIFE from a FATAL gunshot bc his subconsious doesn’t want to leave John with Mary. End? “Sometimes I text Irene, just like you text your side-chick! No Homo For Life, RIGHT??? Don’t think about how every action I take is to keep you safe or happy, lol”

John: Starts as an emotionally repressed, suicidal, PTSD stricken loner who is immediately enamored with Sherlock’s brain, and literally kills a man like 1 day after they meet. Middle: A bit of an asshole who is horrible at understanding that Sherlock is NOT a robot without feelings - but an asshole who is willing to die for him, and with him, but who has major trust issues. End? “I wish I had REALLY cheated on Mary with Bus Girl, I can’t believe I missed my chance! Also, even though I’m reacting extremely jealously to you texting Irene, I think you should hit that! Now hold me while I cry, and then lets get cake while my baby cries on the floor like a Sim somewhere NO HOMEO”

I will never let you forget this.

Congrats actually, you HAVE made history! You’ve made a Historically Huge Fuck Up.

Your show’s depth is thinner than Donald Trump’s skin.

200+ adaptations of Sherlock Holmes, no courage present - oh, except for that one parody “Oklahomo” one (thanks for including Sherlock tweeting an “Oklahoma!” reference also! if I had balls, that would’ve been a kick to them!).

LOL Sherlock and John - literally so hilarious!! All those people whining “They’re Not GAY that gross, Doyle would be rolling in his grave if he found out people thought that!” and “NO! SHERLOCK IS AN EMOTIONLESS ROBOT except he can fuck irene I'm okay with that for some reason”? They were all right! What a fucking joke.

I guess “Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes [he’s in love with you]. But do you ache for him?” meant nothing—OH WAIT that’s from a show that actually textually acknowledged the feelings of love between it’s two main characters. And they didn’t even say “No homo!” afterwards?? I can’t believe it.

don’t ever ask your audience to pay attention on a subtextual level again. clearly, you can’t handle it.

also: I honestly couldn’t give a shit about your endless and constant derision and annoyance with people asking about the relationship between the MAIN CHARACtTERS OF YOUR FUCKING SHOW get over yourselves, and i really hope somehow ACD comes back as a ghost to haunt you one christmas, just to tell you straightt to your stupid faces that you fucked up, and how sad he is that it will always be 1895 - because nothing ever changes, and they will be stuck there forever, out of time.

how dare you bring Oscar Wilde and Freddie Mercury into this mess.

Your intentions don’t matter - what matters is that I would have been better off not paying attention to literally ANY details, not caring one ounce about the characters, and just tuning in as a completely casual viewer. 

The real lesson was “Caring is not an advantage.”, and that is sad.

And the real Final Problem? “It’s not about the characters, its about some stupid ass dog and a stupid ass ‘Saw’ house, and who gives a shit about the rest.

Congratulations - I no longer care!

[samanthasroberts]

‘It’s flavourful as hell’: welcome to Hawaii’s annual Spam festival

In Britain its a joke. In Hawaii its a delicacy. Why does the luncheon meat have such a cult following?

Not even the drizzle can deter the crowds unspooling along Hawaiis Waikiki Beach. As late April showers fall upon Kalakaua Avenue, the roads are lined three-deep with sunburned tourists, surfer bros and silver-haired pensioners. Their colourful T-shirts, flower garlands and fancy dress costumes are soaked by rain, but eagerly they wait. Suddenly, a chorus of tiny ukuleles starts to play. The procession begins. Are they waiting to pay homage to a visiting dignitary or religious leader? No. Theyre here to celebrate Hawaiis favourite food: the immortal luncheon meat called Spam.

I join snaking queues for seemingly endless food stalls, each dish more absurd than the last: Spam pizza, Spam fried rice, Spam crackers, Spam pho, deep-fried mac and cheese bites (with Spam) and, of course, Spam fritters. I spot some Spam-infused macadamia nuts, and a slab of grilled Spam atop sticky rice, doused in soy and bound with seaweed: Spam sushi. Theres even Spam dipped in chocolate.

Serious Spam fans are focused on buying up rare flavours such as Spam Mezclita, Spam Tocino and Spam Portuguese Sausage. Others snap selfies beneath a giant arch of Spam cans, or gawp at a catamaran festooned with Spam tins. Kids try their luck at the Spam wheel of fortune, hoping to take home a branded T-shirt or headphones. I stumble into a king-sized Spam can made of foam, with human arms and legs sticking out. Inside is Honolulu Foodbank employee John Valdez. What would Hawaii be without Spam? he shouts through the costume. It would be boring!

Welcome to Spam Jam, the largest gathering of tinned pork enthusiasts on Earth. Today, I am one of 20,000 fans at the 15th annual event. The residents of Americas 50th state eat more Spam per capita than anywhere on earth, with Hawaiian steak found on five-star restaurant menus and at McDonalds. Last year, 8m cans were sold here and thats just the regular-sized ones, not counting Spam Singles, Spam Spread or smaller tins. But its not just Hawaii that adores Spam: in time for Spams 80th birthday on 5 July, global can sales topped 8bn.

Cans of Spam on display at the Spam Jam. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

In Britain, Spam is derided as fish bait, furniture varnish or gun grease; there have long been rumours that it contains pigs lips, snouts, trotters and tail. In fact, it lists just a half-dozen ingredients: pork with ham (Two cuts of the pig. One perfectly tender and juicy flavour), water, salt, sugar, potato starch and sodium nitrite. Spams makers are keen to point out that theres no hidden scrapings or useless bits of pork, and that its all from the shoulder or rear. In fact, at 90% pork, Spam rivals some luxury sausages. Yet in the UK its reputation is up there with Turkey Twizzlers, while its high salt and fat content make it the kind of processed food we now avoid for our health. If Spam is known in Britain as a culinary punchline, why is it so popular across the Atlantic?

In Austin, Minnesota, population 24,716, all roads lead to Spam. Spamtown USA, as it is sometimes known, is a cutesy, model version of a city, all straight lines and artificial lakes. It was here in 1891 that George A Hormel founded a family meatpacking firm that would one day become a Fortune 500 mainstay, employing one in six of Austins inhabitants. Hormels got his feet sticking out the window again, schoolchildren used to say, when the porky odour floated out factory doors.

Georges son, Jay Hormel, was a born opportunist: as a child, hed pay two cents for housewives unwanted sink grease, then hawk it to his fathers soap-making divisionfor twice the price. In 1929, he succeeded George as president and soon came up with a way to make use of rarely butchered pork shoulder meat. He adapted a Napoleonic food preservation technique, adding salt and sodium nitrite to keep it pink and ward off botulism, and at the same time making it indefinitely edible. By 1942, Hormel Foods was selling $120m- worth of Spam a year.

Anne and Mark I Love Spam Benson are in town to marry at the local Spam museum. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

Hormel-owned structures still dominate Austins skyline. Theres the stinky plant, rolling office blocks and the Hormel Institute, a biomedical research centre. The apex of the citys microscopic tourist industry is a newly revamped Spam museum, an Ikea-coloured time capsule of social, military and pop culture history. With Spam print beanbags, touch-sensitive screens and a jungle gym, the museum is aimed at the meat lovers of tomorrow, but when I visit it is also packed with elderly locals and Mormon missionaries. Inside, a bespectacled tour guide finds everything Spamazing, including a production line of cans that whizz overhead like Scalextric.

It is the meat that won the war, my guide cheerily informs me. During the second world war, allied soldiers consumed 68,000 tonnes of Spam, but Jay Hormel was devastated by the hate mail he received. The language people use! he told the New Yorker in 1945. If they think Spam is terrible, they ought to have eaten the bully beef we had in the last war. Hormel died in 1954, before President Eisenhower sent a letter with a personal pardon. I ate my share of Spam Ill even confess to a few unkind remarks about it, he wrote, on the firms 75th anniversary in business. But as former commander-in-chief, I believe I can still officially forgive you your only sin: sending us so much of it.

Spam couture. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

Today, the Spam museum is hosting its first wedding. Tying the knot are an eccentric British couple, Anne Mousley, 33, and Mark Benson, 42. A smiley care worker from Liverpool, Benson recently changed his middle name by deed poll to I Love Spam.His grandfather worked in Liverpools Spam factory after the war. No prizes for guessing the wedding buffet. Its like nothing else, says Benson of his favourite food, which he eats at least twice a week. Bit of a bacon flavour, bit of a porky flavour. Its totally unique. Spam aficionados of such calibre are rare, although I do learn of one Nebraskan man who in 2007 survived a 30-day Spam-only eating challenge.

Meanwhile, in South Korea, second only to America for Spam consumption, profits are booming. During the lunar new year, Spam is given as a gift, and budae jjigae, a Spam-infused army stew from the second world war, remains popular.

I learn that island territories such as Guam and Micronesia see Spam as a life-saver. During extreme weather, Spams limitless shelf life makes it a Pacific Islanders best friend. Later, I speak to a wild-haired Spam celebrity in rural Alaska, known as Mr Whitekeys. For 26 years, he ran a Spam-themed bar, complete with frequent Spammer cards buy 10 meals, get one free. If you want meat, you gotta have Spam, he says via Skype. Why? You cant get fresh supplies in large amounts, and half the time you dont have refrigeration.

Back in sunny Hawaii, breakfast beers are noisily slammed on a plastic folding table. Three miles from Waikiki Beach, I am mingling with professional chefs at the esteemed Kakaako farmers market, surrounded by organic produce and artisanal pasta. Keen to know what islanders really think of Spam, I talk to chef Mark Gooch Noguchi, 43, who runs the Pili Group, a culinary movement based around healthy, sustainable food. The opposite, one would assume, of Spam.

Spam-based dishes on display at Spam Jam 2017. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

But I love, love, love Spam, Noguchi tells me, unprompted, between swigs of beer, dressed in shorts, flip-flops and a loud flowery shirt. We grew up on it, he explains, passing me a pan-fresh beef taco. I remember when I was cooking in New York, other chefs would joke with me, like, Ha, you guys eat Spam, he says. But our parents had gone through the second world war. The big joke among local people is that if you visit your grandparents and look downstairs, theres six cases of toilet paper, four cases of paper towels and three cases of Spam. In Hawaii, Spam is the cement that bonds its many cultures from Japanese, Filipino and Hawaiian native, through to mainland United States. Noguchi proudly boasts that locals can tell Spam from its canned-pork competitors Tulip and Treet. Elsewhere, Spam is slowly being appropriated by hipster culture, just like scotch eggs and avocado before it. Its both an indulgence of nostalgia and two fingers up to eating clean. In Londons Soho, Jinjuu restaurant makes a Spamarita cocktail, mixing Spam-infused Ocho tequila with mezcal, pineapple, citrus, mandarin orange and agave nectar. And Saint Marc, an upscale restaurant in Huntington Beach, California, has a hidden Spam speakeasy known as the Blind Pig.

Flipping Spam burgers. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

Its revered, man, says Nina Pullella, 36, a chef I meet at Kakaako market. I think its the challenge of taking a can off the shelf this strange food from the second world war and doing something spectacular. Pullella is a vegan, from New Jersey via Italy, yet she still oozes praise for Spam as an ingredient (Its flavourful as hell, right?). After three hours at the market, I find just one person down on Spam. And she wont talk on record. Are you kidding? Ill have the whole island on my back, she whispers.

Night falls on Waikiki Beach. As the raindrops evaporate, a female rock band loudly tests the suspension of a flatbed stage. There is a snaking queue for OnoPops, an ice-cream company that flogs a Spam-based popsicle. Its a heartstrings thing, explains owner Josh Lanthier-Welch, 46, a stout man with a goatee. Though a Spam devotee, he warns of the dangers of excess: The Spam musubi [sushi] is a symbol of whats wrong with the local diet. It is so beloved, but living on Spam, white rice and nori will kill you.

As the festival comes to a close, I decide to break my 20-plus years of Spam abstinence (I havent touched the stuff since childhood). Im handed a skewer of cold cubed Spam and crunchy vegetables. I sink my teeth into the soft meat, and am transported back to my youth. The salty, pork-ish flavour wafts up my nostrils. I feel dirty and a little bit sick. Next I try a hot Spam katsu sandwich, from Hula Grill. I take a small bite. Then a larger one. It has a deep, smoky bacon flavour, offset by rich katsu sauce. It is, Im almost embarrassed to say, tremendous. Spam tempura fries, Spam corn dogs and Spam dim sum soon follow.

As I chew, I wonder if Spam deserves its reputation. Perhaps Brits just lack the imagination to cook Spam right. Or maybe, like KitKats in Japan or David Hasselhoffs mega-stardom in Germany, Spam should simply remain a pop culture anomaly the American Marmite that one either loves or hates.

Spam-flavoured macadamia nuts. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

Spam fritters

Serves three.

340g Spam (ie, 1 can) 150g plain flour 225ml cold water 3 tbsp olive oil Buttered roll (optional) Cut the Spam lengthways into six thick slices. Put the flour in a mixing bowl and slowly introduce the water, whisking, until you have a smooth batter.

Heat the oil in a large frying pan. Dip each slice of Spam in the batter mix, shake to drain off any excess and lay in the hot pan. When its golden and crisp on one side, flip and repeat until its brown and crisp on both sides.

Serve in a buttered roll, if desired, with chips and peas on the side.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/10/08/its-flavourful-as-hell-welcome-to-hawaiis-annual-spam-festival/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/10/08/its-flavourful-as-hell-welcome-to-hawaiis-annual-spam-festival/

[allofbeercom]

‘It’s flavourful as hell’: welcome to Hawaii’s annual Spam festival

In Britain its a joke. In Hawaii its a delicacy. Why does the luncheon meat have such a cult following?

Not even the drizzle can deter the crowds unspooling along Hawaiis Waikiki Beach. As late April showers fall upon Kalakaua Avenue, the roads are lined three-deep with sunburned tourists, surfer bros and silver-haired pensioners. Their colourful T-shirts, flower garlands and fancy dress costumes are soaked by rain, but eagerly they wait. Suddenly, a chorus of tiny ukuleles starts to play. The procession begins. Are they waiting to pay homage to a visiting dignitary or religious leader? No. Theyre here to celebrate Hawaiis favourite food: the immortal luncheon meat called Spam.

I join snaking queues for seemingly endless food stalls, each dish more absurd than the last: Spam pizza, Spam fried rice, Spam crackers, Spam pho, deep-fried mac and cheese bites (with Spam) and, of course, Spam fritters. I spot some Spam-infused macadamia nuts, and a slab of grilled Spam atop sticky rice, doused in soy and bound with seaweed: Spam sushi. Theres even Spam dipped in chocolate.

Serious Spam fans are focused on buying up rare flavours such as Spam Mezclita, Spam Tocino and Spam Portuguese Sausage. Others snap selfies beneath a giant arch of Spam cans, or gawp at a catamaran festooned with Spam tins. Kids try their luck at the Spam wheel of fortune, hoping to take home a branded T-shirt or headphones. I stumble into a king-sized Spam can made of foam, with human arms and legs sticking out. Inside is Honolulu Foodbank employee John Valdez. What would Hawaii be without Spam? he shouts through the costume. It would be boring!

Welcome to Spam Jam, the largest gathering of tinned pork enthusiasts on Earth. Today, I am one of 20,000 fans at the 15th annual event. The residents of Americas 50th state eat more Spam per capita than anywhere on earth, with Hawaiian steak found on five-star restaurant menus and at McDonalds. Last year, 8m cans were sold here and thats just the regular-sized ones, not counting Spam Singles, Spam Spread or smaller tins. But its not just Hawaii that adores Spam: in time for Spams 80th birthday on 5 July, global can sales topped 8bn.

Cans of Spam on display at the Spam Jam. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

In Britain, Spam is derided as fish bait, furniture varnish or gun grease; there have long been rumours that it contains pigs lips, snouts, trotters and tail. In fact, it lists just a half-dozen ingredients: pork with ham (Two cuts of the pig. One perfectly tender and juicy flavour), water, salt, sugar, potato starch and sodium nitrite. Spams makers are keen to point out that theres no hidden scrapings or useless bits of pork, and that its all from the shoulder or rear. In fact, at 90% pork, Spam rivals some luxury sausages. Yet in the UK its reputation is up there with Turkey Twizzlers, while its high salt and fat content make it the kind of processed food we now avoid for our health. If Spam is known in Britain as a culinary punchline, why is it so popular across the Atlantic?

In Austin, Minnesota, population 24,716, all roads lead to Spam. Spamtown USA, as it is sometimes known, is a cutesy, model version of a city, all straight lines and artificial lakes. It was here in 1891 that George A Hormel founded a family meatpacking firm that would one day become a Fortune 500 mainstay, employing one in six of Austins inhabitants. Hormels got his feet sticking out the window again, schoolchildren used to say, when the porky odour floated out factory doors.

Georges son, Jay Hormel, was a born opportunist: as a child, hed pay two cents for housewives unwanted sink grease, then hawk it to his fathers soap-making divisionfor twice the price. In 1929, he succeeded George as president and soon came up with a way to make use of rarely butchered pork shoulder meat. He adapted a Napoleonic food preservation technique, adding salt and sodium nitrite to keep it pink and ward off botulism, and at the same time making it indefinitely edible. By 1942, Hormel Foods was selling $120m- worth of Spam a year.

Anne and Mark I Love Spam Benson are in town to marry at the local Spam museum. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

Hormel-owned structures still dominate Austins skyline. Theres the stinky plant, rolling office blocks and the Hormel Institute, a biomedical research centre. The apex of the citys microscopic tourist industry is a newly revamped Spam museum, an Ikea-coloured time capsule of social, military and pop culture history. With Spam print beanbags, touch-sensitive screens and a jungle gym, the museum is aimed at the meat lovers of tomorrow, but when I visit it is also packed with elderly locals and Mormon missionaries. Inside, a bespectacled tour guide finds everything Spamazing, including a production line of cans that whizz overhead like Scalextric.

It is the meat that won the war, my guide cheerily informs me. During the second world war, allied soldiers consumed 68,000 tonnes of Spam, but Jay Hormel was devastated by the hate mail he received. The language people use! he told the New Yorker in 1945. If they think Spam is terrible, they ought to have eaten the bully beef we had in the last war. Hormel died in 1954, before President Eisenhower sent a letter with a personal pardon. I ate my share of Spam Ill even confess to a few unkind remarks about it, he wrote, on the firms 75th anniversary in business. But as former commander-in-chief, I believe I can still officially forgive you your only sin: sending us so much of it.

Spam couture. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

Today, the Spam museum is hosting its first wedding. Tying the knot are an eccentric British couple, Anne Mousley, 33, and Mark Benson, 42. A smiley care worker from Liverpool, Benson recently changed his middle name by deed poll to I Love Spam.His grandfather worked in Liverpools Spam factory after the war. No prizes for guessing the wedding buffet. Its like nothing else, says Benson of his favourite food, which he eats at least twice a week. Bit of a bacon flavour, bit of a porky flavour. Its totally unique. Spam aficionados of such calibre are rare, although I do learn of one Nebraskan man who in 2007 survived a 30-day Spam-only eating challenge.

Meanwhile, in South Korea, second only to America for Spam consumption, profits are booming. During the lunar new year, Spam is given as a gift, and budae jjigae, a Spam-infused army stew from the second world war, remains popular.

I learn that island territories such as Guam and Micronesia see Spam as a life-saver. During extreme weather, Spams limitless shelf life makes it a Pacific Islanders best friend. Later, I speak to a wild-haired Spam celebrity in rural Alaska, known as Mr Whitekeys. For 26 years, he ran a Spam-themed bar, complete with frequent Spammer cards buy 10 meals, get one free. If you want meat, you gotta have Spam, he says via Skype. Why? You cant get fresh supplies in large amounts, and half the time you dont have refrigeration.

Back in sunny Hawaii, breakfast beers are noisily slammed on a plastic folding table. Three miles from Waikiki Beach, I am mingling with professional chefs at the esteemed Kakaako farmers market, surrounded by organic produce and artisanal pasta. Keen to know what islanders really think of Spam, I talk to chef Mark Gooch Noguchi, 43, who runs the Pili Group, a culinary movement based around healthy, sustainable food. The opposite, one would assume, of Spam.

Spam-based dishes on display at Spam Jam 2017. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

But I love, love, love Spam, Noguchi tells me, unprompted, between swigs of beer, dressed in shorts, flip-flops and a loud flowery shirt. We grew up on it, he explains, passing me a pan-fresh beef taco. I remember when I was cooking in New York, other chefs would joke with me, like, Ha, you guys eat Spam, he says. But our parents had gone through the second world war. The big joke among local people is that if you visit your grandparents and look downstairs, theres six cases of toilet paper, four cases of paper towels and three cases of Spam. In Hawaii, Spam is the cement that bonds its many cultures from Japanese, Filipino and Hawaiian native, through to mainland United States. Noguchi proudly boasts that locals can tell Spam from its canned-pork competitors Tulip and Treet. Elsewhere, Spam is slowly being appropriated by hipster culture, just like scotch eggs and avocado before it. Its both an indulgence of nostalgia and two fingers up to eating clean. In Londons Soho, Jinjuu restaurant makes a Spamarita cocktail, mixing Spam-infused Ocho tequila with mezcal, pineapple, citrus, mandarin orange and agave nectar. And Saint Marc, an upscale restaurant in Huntington Beach, California, has a hidden Spam speakeasy known as the Blind Pig.

Flipping Spam burgers. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

Its revered, man, says Nina Pullella, 36, a chef I meet at Kakaako market. I think its the challenge of taking a can off the shelf this strange food from the second world war and doing something spectacular. Pullella is a vegan, from New Jersey via Italy, yet she still oozes praise for Spam as an ingredient (Its flavourful as hell, right?). After three hours at the market, I find just one person down on Spam. And she wont talk on record. Are you kidding? Ill have the whole island on my back, she whispers.

Night falls on Waikiki Beach. As the raindrops evaporate, a female rock band loudly tests the suspension of a flatbed stage. There is a snaking queue for OnoPops, an ice-cream company that flogs a Spam-based popsicle. Its a heartstrings thing, explains owner Josh Lanthier-Welch, 46, a stout man with a goatee. Though a Spam devotee, he warns of the dangers of excess: The Spam musubi [sushi] is a symbol of whats wrong with the local diet. It is so beloved, but living on Spam, white rice and nori will kill you.

As the festival comes to a close, I decide to break my 20-plus years of Spam abstinence (I havent touched the stuff since childhood). Im handed a skewer of cold cubed Spam and crunchy vegetables. I sink my teeth into the soft meat, and am transported back to my youth. The salty, pork-ish flavour wafts up my nostrils. I feel dirty and a little bit sick. Next I try a hot Spam katsu sandwich, from Hula Grill. I take a small bite. Then a larger one. It has a deep, smoky bacon flavour, offset by rich katsu sauce. It is, Im almost embarrassed to say, tremendous. Spam tempura fries, Spam corn dogs and Spam dim sum soon follow.

As I chew, I wonder if Spam deserves its reputation. Perhaps Brits just lack the imagination to cook Spam right. Or maybe, like KitKats in Japan or David Hasselhoffs mega-stardom in Germany, Spam should simply remain a pop culture anomaly the American Marmite that one either loves or hates.

Spam-flavoured macadamia nuts. Photograph: Marco Garcia for the Guardian

Spam fritters

Serves three.

340g Spam (ie, 1 can) 150g plain flour 225ml cold water 3 tbsp olive oil Buttered roll (optional) Cut the Spam lengthways into six thick slices. Put the flour in a mixing bowl and slowly introduce the water, whisking, until you have a smooth batter.

Heat the oil in a large frying pan. Dip each slice of Spam in the batter mix, shake to drain off any excess and lay in the hot pan. When its golden and crisp on one side, flip and repeat until its brown and crisp on both sides.

Serve in a buttered roll, if desired, with chips and peas on the side.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/10/08/its-flavourful-as-hell-welcome-to-hawaiis-annual-spam-festival/