#breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma my beloved

[lassieposting]

God though, reluctant single dad Vesemir. Vesemir who openly dislikes children, Vesemir who leaves a kid in the woods with the remains of his dead family even though he knows there's something else out there, Vesemir who refers to baby witchers as "abandoned little tragedies", Vesemir whose response to being told he's to teach them to fence is "Am I being punished?"

And suddenly he's the last wolf left. His whole pack is dead and he's got a litter of already-mutated pups to look after that won't get taken in anywhere else. He's completely responsible for the next generation, and children need so many things. He has to learn on the fly that it's not just feeding them and clothing them and teaching them to fight. It's getting up every night for Geralt's night terrors about the Trial and the Sacking, because he's five and he doesn't know how to self-soothe and nobody else is going to do it. It's watching Lambert hurt himself and the other boys in his rages, because he's so mad at the hand life dealt him and he doesn't know how to handle it, and having to figure out how to teach him to channel his anger some other way because that kind of blind fury will get him killed. It's answering a thousand and one "But why?" questions without putting a sword through Eskel because he wants to be good and that is a quality that needs nurturing even if it's annoying as fuck.

None of this is natural to him. He's not a kid person. He's grieving, too, for everyone he ever cared for and the trust he gave his father figure who betrayed him. He's sarcastic and impatient and he fucks up badly, so many times, with these lonely, traumatised little boys. He has to learn to apologise, and forgive, and love them even though he never wanted them to be his responsibility, even though they've basically taken his life from him - the adventuring, the monster-slaying, the coin and the women and the fame - because raising brats is a 24/7/365 job that keeps him tied to Kaer Morhen. He has to learn not to resent them for a life they didn't choose. He has to learn to make them feel like part of a family, because he can't afford to have them abandon Witchering at the first opportunity.

And somehow, it works. His pups grow up, and become Witchers themselves, and he sends them out into the world and breathes a sigh of relief every time one comes back safe. Grieves as best he can whenever one doesn't. Geralt makes him a grandfather, which is not something he ever thought he'd want even with a Witcher's long lifespan, but he loves the bones of that girl. He sees Geralt trying so hard to do better by Ciri than was ever done by him - he's not sure where the hell Geralt got that from, that soft streak that training never quite beat out of him - and the other boys rally round to help him raise his lion cub as a wolf so much faster than he thought they would, and he knows he did something right. And more than that, he's somehow managed to do away with some of the stigma the generations of Witchers before him passed down. Geralt isn't afraid to be gentle with Ciri. He's kind and understanding and supportive towards her, he has to be reminded not to prioritise her wellbeing over finding Leshen!Eskel, he's calm and patient and comforting when her trauma is playing up. It's such a far cry from the completely detached, "numbers game" attitude of the generations before Vesemir, and even from Vesemir's own attitude towards recruits as a young man. He's done exactly what his mentor asked him to do. He raised better, more scrupulous Witchers. He raised better men.

idk man I just have a lot of feelings about Vesemir after NOTW okay

[hazamacore]

3 for the book asks : )

“3: what were your top 5 books of the year?”

THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE BY SHIRLEY JACKSON. rewired my entire brain made me scream and throw up!!! it is THE haunted house story with how the horror relies on the psychological state of our unreliable protagonist and narrator eleanor (who is for sure a gothic heroine of all time). it’s so indicative of ms jackson’s talent that she doesnt need to SHOW us the horror of hill house, only imply it, to frighten us and the characters. it’s all up to both our and eleanor’s imagination. maybe the real horror was familial trauma all along. the ending too …. no notes … mwah mwah book of all time

BELOVED BY TONI MORRISON. another absolutely fundamental brain rewiring haunted house… ive been talking a lot with my friend zaina about her work and one thing we talked about was how much of her work centres around the intergenerational trauma of racism and the theme of love - “what does it mean to love?” and beloved is of course the epitome of this. sethe is an incredibly written character and even though i read it all the way back in march i still remember the way while you’re reading you’re simultaneously hooked and cannot stop but MUST stop because you have to take breaks to process

THE BLUEST EYE BY TONI MORRISON. i read this only last month and holy shit !! my engagement was definitely boosted by my discussions with my friend zaina as previously mentioned but there is an unending amount of things to talk about with this book - the structure, writing style, characters and their relationships its all so rich with so much depth and im obsessed with all of it. i LOVED the structure how it begins with a repetitive passage that instantly hooks you showing this idyllic life of a middle class white nuclear family that, and how the narrative begins with its ending, the non linearity with how we’re constantly diving into different lives and perspectives. the character parallels between family members, particularly the breedlove family, are so cleverly woven in and do so much to reinforce those themes of generational trauma and cycles of abuse. i will stop now but this book will, much like beloved, seep under my skin and stick there forever

ANNIHILATION BY JEFF VANDAMEER. i inhaled this book earlier this year it was so gripping it really grabs you by the throat and implores u to keep reading to figure everything out. if the haunting of hill house and the bluest eye did not tip u off. i love unreliable narrators who force you to question if you can trust their recounting of events and the biologist is a great one - i love the detail of the characters being known only as their professions, especially by the biologist, it adds to the dark mystery so much…. i havent read the other books in the series yet lol because honestly i love annihilation as a standalone. ill probably get to them at some point

GIOVANNI’S ROOM BY JAMES BALDWIN. the book that got me out of a slump and back into reading lots this year!!! i read it in the school library trying not to react too intensely but i really think this is the perfect book in encapsulating the shame we’re made to feel in being lgbt and how difficult it is to trudge through that and the disastrous impacts that internalised shame has on our relationships with other lgbt people. really revived me thank you mr baldwin i need to read more of your books