#brb gonna run my feelings over with a panzer

[born-to-lose]

I just need to vent for a moment

It always makes me so fucking sad when the person whose name I won't say but you probably know make rant posts and are like "I want to die" and "I hate myself". Like, of course it's normal to feel this way and I'm not any better right now, but I only want them to be happy. Actually, it's the thing that matters to me the most and that's why I accepted it when they said we needed a break, even though they were like "feel free to yell at me, I understand why you would". But nope, I could never be mad at them and I promise you'll never hear me say a single bad word about them. It just won't happen. Never. And knowing the reason, even less. Their mental health and happiness has always come first for me.

The thing that makes me feel, idk, like I can't do anything about it? Is that I don't want to be disrespectful or clingy or annoying by constantly texting them and trying to help. I mean, I'm really trying to keep more distance than before (we used to talk every day for months and now it's small talk 1 - 2 times a week), but sometimes I just can't fight the urge to message them because lately every fucking small thing has been reminding me of them and I can't even get my mind off of them because some of my favorite songs are their favorite songs and whatever I do, something always slips in that makes me think of them. I listen to Juice Leskinen? Check. I see capybaras? Check. I wear blue? Check. I stand at the gas station? Check. I see roses or dandelions? Check. I drink iced coffee? Check.

There's nothing I can do without getting reminded of them, which doesn't inherently suck because I still like thinking about them and all the memories I have of them are actually good (okay except for The Talk nearly three weeks ago), it's just hard to accept that I'm not supposed to talk to them unless I really need to. And I don't seem to understand what the difference between wanting to talk and needing to talk is, so I try not to talk at all because I don't want to be a burden when they have their own problems. I don't want to sound dramatic here, but I think that's what people mean when they say they can't live without someone. I already missed them immediately after we agreed on taking a break and every day since then has been hell. I never knew how much I needed them until now. I still text them on Mondays to wish them a good week and on Saturdays to check in on them, but even that felt kinda awkward this week I guess? Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much comfortable with talking to them, they're one of my best friends and I trust them more than anyone else. I just constantly feel like I'm too much of a limpet. I know they don't hate me (at least they said so and I believe them because I know they don't lie to me), but I still feel like they do at the moment idk.

I know they care about me and don't want to hurt me, don't want to lose me and all, but what we discussed last time we had a lengthier conversation broke my heart nonetheless (and still does). And sometimes when I think I've gotten over them, it comes back full force a few hours later and I remember why I fell in love with them in the first place. Last year, I swore I'd never fall in love for real again and only have some short romances here and there, but nothing serious. I'm just not made for long-term relationships, so I didn't even want to like them as much as I do now because I knew I would only end up hurting them at some point. But how the fuck could I not fall for them after everything we've done? What we had just felt special since we started talking and I'm sure they're my first real love because they're the first and only person I could actually imagine being with for the long haul, although I know I couldn't make them happy for this long and only break their heart. Even after we said it wouldn't work four months ago, although they liked me as more than a friend too, I only fell harder every day. It's literally the first time I've ever felt like this and I hate that this could possibly be the end. I'm always trying to read between the lines and find some positive aspects that give me hope that in a couple of years, maybe things will look better for us and I really don't want to give up, but I kinda am. It's so fucking hard to get over them and I'm afraid I never really will.

And as if all of that didn't hurt enough already, the first time we said "I love you" to each other without it being only an "ily", "I love u" or "love ya" was when we said our goodbyes almost three weeks ago. And again I'm reading too much into everything. Happy 7 months btw I love you more than anything in the world