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steppedoffaflight · 4 years ago

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Summer’s a Knife - Chapter 2

Catch up on Chapter 1 here

You don’t respond, silence in the air as you both catch your breath.

“I’ve got no use for sex that sounds straight out of a porno.” Van lifts his head, and you flinch at the intensity in his eyes. “I’d rather it be fucking real. No bullshit. If you’re having a good time, sure, say it. But if you’re not, say that too.”

Almost three months later, Van McCann is back in L.A. and ready to take you up on that dinner date

Word count: ~15k

Chapter Two

April 2019

By the time you’ve pulled into the Whole Foods parking lot, having squeezed through afternoon traffic, you’re at your wits end. Work had consisted of eight tedious hours fixing someone else’s mistakes instead of working on your own projects, and you’re already dreading the hit your paycheck is about to take from this grocery shopping.

Your phone buzzes on the passenger seat next to you, no doubt Mary offering up some positivity in response to the giant work rant you’d just texted her. You already roll your eyes before you’ve picked up the phone and pressed your fingerprint to the sensor.

Hey. It’s Van x The gray bubble on your screen catches you off guard. You’d saved Van’s number months ago, his contact info at the top of the conversation reading “Van San Diego”. Thinking about how long ago your trip feels makes the whole thing seem even more surreal.

You gape at your screen for way too long, heart pounding, before you respond with a Hi!

After you’ve hit send, you panic over responding too fast. You let the car continue to run for the sake of air conditioning and you don’t let your screen lock, waiting anxiously for Van’s next message. When one doesn’t come after ten minutes you resign to cutting the ignition, finally facing the fact you’ve got shopping to do.

You can’t stop checking your phone as you roll your cart through the aisles, careful not to let your eyes wander to any items that aren’t on your list. You’re carefully examining the label on an overpriced pasta sauce when you hear the buzz of your phone against the cart. You almost drop the jar in your hand.

I know it’s been a while but I’m finally back in la. Still up for that dinner?

As you’re reading the indication that he’s typing starts, sending a shot of adrenaline through you.

No worries if not just let me know x

You screenshot his messages immediately and forward them to Mary for her opinion. Predictably, she hadn’t responded to your rant, but sends an OMG the second you show her the screenshot.

Have you messaged him back ?! she sends in response to your I knowww!!!

Nooo I don’t wanna look too eager you tap excitedly to her. You’re jolted back to reality when another cart suddenly bumps into yours.

“Sorry,” You apologize, quickly steering your cart away. You say it purely for the sake of politeness, even though you’re almost positive you weren’t in the way and the person could have rolled by without jostling all your things. All of your mundane worries are pushed to the back of your mind. You’re finally getting that promised dinner date with Van!

The rest of your shopping trip is as chaotic as your brain feels. Between lightning-fast exchanges with Mary about what you’ll say and when you’ll say it you haphazardly scrap together the rest of your list. You’re sure you’re forgetting something as you send it down the conveyor belt to the cashier, but you’re too frazzled to care. The only thing that matters at this point is getting home, cracking open the bottle of wine you’d purchased (on impulse, unfortunately) and accepting Van’s invitation.

And you do just that. Upon getting home you only put away your fresh items, leaving the rest to sit on the floor in their bags. It’s not the best practice, but it’s necessary after the day you’ve had. You pour a generous amount of wine into a regular glass, not caring enough to fish out a wine glass, and change out of your work wardrobe and into your most worn-in sweats. Only after you’ve plopped down onto the couch and taken a swallow of wine to calm your nerves do you allow yourself to respond: We could totally do dinner! When?

You feel slightly remorseful for leaving Van without a response for almost two hours. You chew the inside of your cheek as you berate yourself for it.

What works best for you? I’m here for the next two weeks and free most nights

You consider his response. Most of the time it feels like you’re the only person in L.A. that’s free most nights. Is he not the partying type? He seems like he would be, considering the way he went straight to the bar after his show in January.

Does tomorrow work? You send. It feels a bit off to schedule something so soon, but tomorrow’s Friday, and you wouldn’t have to worry about staying out late considering you’ve got no work Saturday. Plus, the longer you wait the more likely things are to be packed into Van’s schedule. And, you remind yourself, this dinner is more than two months in the making.

Another text from Van interrupts the churning thoughts in your head. Tomorrow’s ace, he says first, and then another message: I’ll pick you up followed by a third: What time?

You exchange a few more messages, setting up a time and making sure he has your address. Once the logistics are worked out, Van sends Look forward to it x and that feels like a good note to end the conversation on. You melt into your couch cushions and down the rest of your wine with a sigh.

If yesterday felt like a long workday, then today feels like it’s lasting an eternity.

You try to burn though time texting Mary, attempting to cut down on your getting ready time by verbally planning your outfit in advance. Still, the minutes seem to tick by at a snail’s pace. You try to get some work done and catch yourself repeatedly screwing up your spreadsheet with typos. Even triple-checking everything you enter doesn’t seem to eat up any time. You visit the water cooler too much, and pee repeatedly as a result. Eventually, somehow, you make it to 5, slinging your bag over your shoulder and murmuring quick goodbyes as you dash out of the office.

When you get home you’re laser focused. You tackle showering first, the task made longer with all of the shaving that needed to be done, followed by the slippery process of moisturizing every inch of your skin. It takes up more time than you’d like, but in San Diego you’d been completely unprepared for a hookup. This time you wanted to be ready.

Van sends a heading over text just as you’d finished blow drying and styling your hair. You get dressed, then, layering the outfit you and Mary had agreed on over a matching black lace bra and panty set. They were at the bottom of your underwear drawer, crumpled and forgotten, tags still intact. As you clip away the tags you hope out loud to yourself in the kitchen that they still fit, and sigh in relief when you’re able to shimmy the set on.

Maybe it’s the traffic, or maybe Van lied about when he was leaving, but by the time he texts that he’s arrived you’re waiting for him on the couch, having managed to get your makeup routine done just in time. The house is in complete disarray from your rush, and you cringe to yourself as you get a look at the tornado you’ve caused before you shut the door, locking it securely, and turning to seek out Van’s car.

There’s a black Range Rover pulled up on the street, the only car on the block running right now. You can see the dim blue light of Van’s phone screen through the tint of the windows, and as you approach you can see his silhouette.

He looks up when you tug open the car door, sliding into the front passenger seat.

You’re pleased when his face lights up. A part of you had almost been expecting that he’d rethink his attraction to you now that there was no post-show adrenaline or late night beers to cloud his judgement.

“Hello,” He laughs, “Long time no see!”

He’s just as charismatic as you remember him, your nerves easing as you make yourself comfortable. The crisp lace underneath your clothes is stiff and itchy, and you wiggle around as discretely as possible.

“Hey,” You greet him. “It feels like it’s been forever.”

Van nods, kicking the car into gear. “You’re telling me. Been a busy couple months.”

You hum in sympathy even if you can’t relate. Your busiest times of the year were summer- when most of your coworkers went on extended vacations and you were responsible for making up their work- and the holidays, when you had to coordinate trips home to see your family.

“You look amazing, by the way,” Van says, managing a quick glance over at you with a smile.

“Aw, thanks,” You murmur, chronically awkward at receiving compliments. “You look great, too.”

“Ah, stop. Makin’ me blush, love,” he jokes, and you can’t help but giggle at his sarcasm. It’s strange how familiar he feels, the result of just one night.

“So.” You peer out of the windows, looking for any hint of where you were headed. “What do you have planned?”

“Got a reservation for eight at this really nice place, dunno if you’ve ever heard of it.” Van stumbles over some sort of French pronunciation. “We’ve had a couple of dinners there with label people and it’s always class.”

“Sounds lovely,” You tell him. You’ve never heard of the place, but then again your Los Angeles friend group was lacking any musicians making a big break, let alone getting invited to dinner with Capitol Records staff. “Never heard of it.”

“You’ll like it,” Van says confidently.

You glance over at the clock on the dashboard display. It’s set to 24-hour time, so you pick up your phone instead of mentally trying to calculate it.

“How far away is it?” You ask nervously. It’s dangerously close to eight.

“Not too far,” Van shrugs, but he’s driving into the tail end of stop-and-go traffic. You try to swallow down your anxiety.

Finding a parking spot is a pain in the ass, but eventually Van’s maneuvered his car into one of the parallel spots lining the sidewalk.

By the time you two are out of the car, crossing the street to the restaurant, it’s almost ten minutes after your reservation time. Van seems oblivious to this, breezily strutting into the place, holding the door for you as usual. He’s whistling absentmindedly, and you wonder if it’s one of his own songs. He keeps whistling until you two approach the podium in the lobby.

“Reservation name?” The hostess asks, turning the pages in the binder in front of her.

“McCann.”

The hostess takes a second to look over her pages before she motions. “Right this way.”

There’s no mention of the fact you guys are late as she opens a door on the wall behind the podium, leading you two into the dining area. It’s a stark contrast from the drab, dim decor of the small lobby area. The floors are glossy white, almost shiny enough to reflect your face back to you, and although there are some larger tables most of them are the quintessential small, circular two-seaters with silky white tablecloths draped over them. The walls are dark in typical L.A. style, but covered in windows that frame the courtyard outside, lanterns glowing and candlelit outdoor tables visible.

Almost everyone is in black tie attire, and you feel self-consciousness broil in your stomach as the hostess leads you and Van to to your own small table. You’re curious if there’s other celebrities here, but you’re too afraid of looking like an outsider by trying to peek at people as you pass by. You keep your eyes on the back of Van’s head instead, examining where his hair parts on his scalp.

You’re waved to your assigned table with the assurance that someone will be with you shortly before the hostess sees herself back to the front room. In the time you’ve paused to listen to her words Van’s already ahead of you, pulling out one of the covered chairs and motioning for you to sit.

“You know you don’t have to do that,” You tell him as you sit in the seat he’s designated for you. He takes his own seat opposite you.

“Does it offend you?” Van asks, and you watch his brow crease in concern.

“No!” You’re quick to assure him. “I’m not offended, or anything like that. I’m just saying, I won’t tell everyone this was the worst date of my life just because you didn’t pull the chair out or hold the door.”

Van laughs, the worry easing out of his expression. “S’ just a force of habit. It’s more trouble for me to stop at this point in my life than it is to just keep doing it.”

You nod in understanding before reaching for the menu and searching for the drinks.

“Do you know what you’re drinking?” Van asks after a small stretch of silence where you’re both looking at your respective menus.

“What are you drinking?” You answer his question with a question, eager to be able to gauge the most appropriate choice for yourself. The drink menu is long and most of the items seem hard to pronounce, and despite knowing Van intimately you’ve still got first date jitters. Not to mention, you were on a budget.

“I usually get this wine,” Van tells you, using his index finger to point it out for you on your menu. “M’not gonna drink too much considering I’m drivin’, but it goes great with the lobster.”

You hum as you read over the tiny italics font describing the wine. “Sounds good,” You say finally, “I’ll have it with you.”

“I’ll get us a bottle, then.”

You swallow hard when you read the price listed for the entire bottle, but manage to stifle any worries. You’ve waited 3 months for this date, there can’t be any real harm in one luxurious dinner. And the cost of the bottle divided into two wasn’t so outrageous.

“Perfect.” You close your menu, decision made.

By the time the server has taken your wine order, returned with chilled glasses and doled out servings to each of you, and delivered a fresh bread basket and dinner menus, your stomach is grumbling and you’re eager to scour through the menu and figure out what you’re having.

“God, I’m starving,” You sigh, buttering a warm bread roll. In your ravenous state you bite off more than you can politely chew, but thankfully Van doesn’t notice as he’s taking a peek at his phone.

“Same.” He was listening even in his distracted state, and as soon as he sets his phone back down he reaches for his own roll.

“So…” You start, flipping open your menu to (surprise) even more expensive, french-titled meals. “What’s good here?”

“The lobster,” Van laughs. “It’s the only thing I’ve had here. Had it once and kept craving it forever.”

He must be able to sense that answer doesn’t satisfy you, because he opens his own menu. “Bondy loves the roast. Says it’s one of the best he’s ever had.”

“Not a huge fan of roast,” You tell Van, but flip the pages until you find the meal he’s talking about. “Who’s Bondy?” The name sounds familiar, and in your head you replay the encounter you had outside of Van’s hotel room in San Diego. Was Bondy the one stuck behind the luggage?

“Johnny Bond, he’s our guitar player. Goes by Bondy.”

“Ah. Who’s the one with the…?” You trail off, but motion with your hands around your head to convey the thick head of curls you remember from that night.

“That’s Benji. Our bassist.”

“Benji,” You repeat quietly to yourself. The name doesn’t ring a bell, but the hair does.

“He likes the roast chicken,” Van suggests. “But he’s not allowed to say it’s the best because my mum makes a mean roast chicken and it’s deffo the best.”

“That sounds good. I’m gonna get that.” You try not to openly cringe at the price.

Van opens his mouth to speak, but from the way he’s looking over your shoulder you know the server’s returned to take down your orders.

“There’s Bob, too,” Van says unprovoked when you two are alone again. “He’s easy to pick out. Wears glasses.”

Your brain can connect the dots there: A man with glasses hidden away behind a drumset in the few photos you’d seen on google.

“Is he drums?” You’re hesitant in case you’re wrong, but Van perks up so you know you’ve got it right.

“He is.” Van takes a drink from his wine glass.

There’s a pause in conversation. You try to wrack your brain for a topic, but your knowledge of his band is shaky and not trivia-proof.

“Are you guys close?” Seems like a safe enough question to ask.

“Me ‘n Bob?”

“Everyone,” You elaborate, lacing your fingers together. “Are you guys, like, at each other’s throats?”

“Nah. They’re my best mates. I’ve known Bob and Benji since we were younger, in school. Used to play on the same footie team and all’a that. Bondy didn’t come into the picture until we were a bit older but I’d heard of him before. Thought he was crazy talented, couldn’t believe he actually wanted to join us. Everyone’s massively talented, really. Wouldn’t be the same without them.”

You drink in the reverence in his voice as he talks about his friends.

“I was just with ‘em today, actually. Been at the studio for most of the day.”

“Well, that’s good that you guys get along.” You offer him a smile which he returns.

“You’re telling me. Couldn’t imagine if things went sour. Having fights over guitar riffs and drumbeats all day.”

You try to picture Van angry and fail. “What do you do in the studio?”

“We’re putting the finishing touches on our next album. It’s due out at the end of the month.”

“Oh, no way!” Your eyes widen in interest. “That’s really cool.”

Van grins. “Yeah, proper excited. Think it’s our best one yet.”

“So is that how you ended up in L.A.? Music?” As much as you’re trying to get a feel for Van, L.A. seems like the last place on earth he’d enjoy living. Considering his lack of social media presence or desire to pressure others into buying sponsored products, and the fact that the band definitely seems more popular in the U.K. than America, you can’t quite put a finger on his motives.

“Yeah. I lived in New York for a bit, when we first got signed, but ended up moving down here. L.A. is sort of the hub for the business end. I spend a good bit of time in London, but the weather down here is nice.”

“So nice,” You agree. The constant summer is worlds different than the unpredictable midwest climate you were raised in.

“Right?” Van beams. “We just spent a while at this place in Ireland, writing and doing most of the recording. And it was just absolute pouring rain everyday. So once we got outta there we thought why not enjoy some time in the sun?”

You chuckle in agreement, taking the first drink of your wine. It tastes better than you were anticipating, and the pleasant surprise must show on your face.

“It’s good, innit?” Van takes his own sip. “Not much of a wine guy, but this stuff…” He trails off, nodding in approval. “Anyway, enough about me. Been droning on for ages. You said you weren’t from L.A., right? How’d you end up here?”

It’s your turn to be interrupted by the server with fresh, hot meals in tow. There’s the momentary fuss of getting situated with food in front of you, and by the time you guys are settled again the question has slipped away as you two dig into your food.

“This is amazing,” You affirm after your first hot forkful of chicken and roasted vegetables. “Who said this was amazing? They were right.”

“Blakes,” Van replies through a mouthful of lobster.

“Blakes?” You stop your fork midair. “Who’s Blakes?”

Van is still chewing his food, so you hurry up and eat the piece of potato speared on your fork.

“Benji,” Van clarifies after he swallows. “Benji is Blakes.” He coughs around a sip of his drink when he must see the confusion on your face.

“His name is Benji Blakeway. Blakes is his nickname.”

The name attaches itself to the memory in your head. The c’mon, Blakes, from the guy in the hat rings through your mind.

“Who wears the hat?” You try to get the last puzzle piece in place. You’ve seen whoever it is on google, always wearing the same flat cap.

“Bondy.”

“Okay. So you, Bob, Bondy, Benji.”

Van nods, looking pleased, and you feel a sense of satisfaction spread through you.

“I forgot,” Van says suddenly, “You were just about to tell me how you ended up in L.A.”

“Oh, right.” You look down at your food. “Full disclosure, it’s really lame.”

When you look up, Van’s put his fork down, prepared to listen fully.

You have some wine to calm your nerves. You’ve finished your glass, so you procrastinate by pouring yourself some more.

“It’s just… really childish and impulsive.”

Van laughs. “You’re only making me more interested!”

You huff out a laugh at that. “So… I guess it all started in high school. Which I went to in Michigan, by the way. It’s um,” You gesture with your hand, “It’s the state that looks like a mitten. Close to Canada. Anyway, I had this boyfriend in high school, and senior year he broke up with me.” You laugh at yourself, bringing a hand to your forehead for a moment. “God, this sounds so dramatic. But when you’re in high school you think you’re going to last forever with someone, your first love and all that, y’know.”

Van seems amused. “How old were you?”

“Well I was like…” You scrunch your face up, thinking back, “14 when we first met, and we were close friends for a while, and then 15 when we actually started dating, and 18 when we broke up.”

“Right,” You plow on, “So, first love and all that good stuff. So we break up when we were 18, which honestly needed to happen. We just didn’t get along anymore but we were so comfortable being a couple by then, you know? We were different as adults, so naturally we break up, whatever. The point is I was fucking devastated.”

You take a deep breath, another drink, and try to prepare yourself to tell the rest of the story.

“So my best friend and I had always had it in our heads, I don’t even know why, that we wanted to come to L.A.”

“Mary?” Van cuts in.

“No, not Mary. I met Mary once I moved here.” You clear your throat, getting back on topic. “I think it’s because of the weather, honestly,” You laugh at your immaturity at that age. “We were so tired of Michigan winters. They’re fucking… cold. And my friend can sing, so naturally we’re thinking you get into L.A. and boom, you’re discovered.”

You gauge Van’s attention then. He’s still listening close.

“So after high school, we had both been saving up for what we thought was this imaginary sort of dream, but then I was broken up with, and depressed, and I kept seeing him everywhere because our town was kind of small, and so we decided… Let’s just pack up and leave!”

Van’s lips quirk up at that. “I was always the same way,” He interjects softly. “Small town thing. Your parents didn’t mind?”

“Well, I convinced them that UCLA was my dream school. So of course they couldn’t say much because I ended up being accepted into a really amazing school, and they had heard me talk about L.A. before. So we get here, and… y’know… Things just didn’t work out that way.”

“When do they ever?” Van jokes.

You nod in agreement around a quick bite of chicken. “Exactly!” You say, wiping the corners of your mouth with your napkin. “It costed so fucking much to live here, and we burned through our savings really fast, and… We ended up becoming even closer through that and we dated for a couple years, and I invested a lot of time into trying to get her discovered because we couldn’t afford rent, but then she got into the wrong group and was getting into cocaine, it was… Intense.”

Your palms are sweating from your admission, and you can’t get yourself to look Van in the eyes, heart racing.

“So… yeah. Thankfully I’ve made a lot of friends here- the right kind, not the cocaine kind- and I got a really nice internship through UCLA and found an okay job, and me and her went our separate ways. And that’s when I met Mary, and she grew up here so she was able to show me around, and we’ve been inseparable ever since.”

You can feel anxiety clenching in your chest while your admitted interest in women still hangs in the air. You wish it still wasn’t so nerve-wracking to come out, and maybe it wouldn’t be except for the fact you and Van seem to really hit it off, and you would hate for this to be a dealbreaker for him.

You finally manage to look away from where you’d been carefully inspecting a small stain you’d made on the tablecloth. Van’s leaned back from his plate, an easy smile spread over his face. His arms are crossed across his chest as he marvels at you.

“We’ve got more in common than I thought,” He says grinning. “We can both discuss our ex-girlfriends. Cheers.”

He reaches for his wine glass and you reach for yours too. If Van notices how your wine is trembling from the hand holding the glass, he doesn’t call out as you two clink your glasses together, relief starting to seep through you.

“I love that,” He remarks, still beaming. “Proper ‘escape the small town’ story. I wish mine was as interesting as yours.”

“You do not,” You roll your eyes good-naturedly. “Yours is better! You ended up actually getting discovered.”

“Lots of hard work, that’s all.” Van shrugs.

Van tells a few lighthearted stories about struggling to get discovered while you guys finish up your meals. True to his word, he stays light on the wine in preparation to drive, spacing out only two glasses the whole time you’ve been here. You’re not sure how many you’ve had, but you figure it can’t be that many. The only telltale signs that let you know you’ve got alcohol in your system are the flush in your cheeks, the way the lights seem to shine a bit softer, and the way you can feel your eyes drifting over Van dreamily.

When the waitress brings the check Van reaches for his back pocket immediately, procuring a card from his wallet.

“You didn’t have to do that,” You say, your eyes widening in shock. “I was gonna pay for mine.” The cost of the entire bottle of wine, combined with both of your dinners floats in your mind.

One side of Van’s mouth lifts in a confused half-smile. “I said I was taking you out for dinner, didn’t I? Dunno if it means the same thing here, but if I’m taking you out why would you pay?”

“I mean, I just… Didn’t want to assume, I guess.” It’s burned you before, dates gone wrong where the check gets split by surprise. “It’s happened before.”

Van snorts. “Sounds fucking awful.”

You nod, eyes wide. “It really was.”

Your mind flips through a few of your worst dates, interrupted only by Van’s card being returned, you two sent on your way.

Van starts humming when you two meander out of the restaurant and across the street to his car, sidling into the front seats.

“Should I take you back to yours?” He asks as he gets the car started. “Or we could go back to mine. Watch a film or somethin’.”

There’s silence in the car while Van checks his phone. You decide to look at yours, too, checking the time. The night is still young.

“Back to yours sounds nice.” The wine makes your voice soft, betrays the way your heart skips at the suggestion.

Van licks his lips, still typing something. He looks up finally. “Mine?”

“Yeah.”

He gets the car into gear, pulling out of the parking space. With a few taps on a screen in the center of the dashboard his phone is connected by bluetooth and music rings out through the car. You recognize it as the song he was humming minutes ago.

You drive in silence for most of the ride, all talked out from dinner, but your interest piques when Van turns the music down.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” You say nervously. Your head tries to predict what’s coming next.

“The thing, with you and your ex. Was it a one time sort of deal? Or do you still play for both teams?”

You chew the inside of your cheek. “I still play for both. I’m bisexual.”

“Got it.”

“Why?” You feel yourself bristle. “Is it a problem?”

“Not at all,” Van shrugs, slowly turning the music back up. “Just wasn’t sure what to call it.”

It takes about a half hour to get to Van’s, a journey that includes weaving through a winding, uphill street crammed with upscale homes. Van’s home is in a cluster at the top of the hill, and typing in the gate code reveals a long driveway up to a house surrounded by a tall thicket of bamboo.

“I love the bamboo,” You tell him as he pulls the car in front of the garage, but doesn’t bother to park it inside. “The worst part of living here is feeling like your neighbors are breathing down your neck.” When you step out of the car you soak the privacy in. You could easily be murdered with this level of seclusion, but the fact that you can still hear the bustling sounds of the city and a dog in the neighbor’s yard is reassuring.

“Totally agree,” Van tells you, jingling his keys, “It’s most of the reason I chose this place. Can sunbathe totally naked and not feel like everyone’s watching me.”

Although Van delivers the joke completely deadpan, you burst into laughter, and in the soft glow of the porch light you can see him smile.

“M’not kidding!” He insists, pointing a finger towards the sky as he gets the door unlocked, letting you in first. “There’s a patio upstairs perfect for getting some sun.”

Inside, his house is decorated eerily similar to the restaurant you’d just been at, with glossy white floors, dark painted walls, and soft lamplight.

“I’m gonna grab a beer,” Van says as he locks the front door and sets his keys on a small end table that’s covered in unopened mail. “You want anything?”

You think for a moment. “What do you have?”

“No idea, honestly,” Van snorts. He starts walking through the living room and you follow behind. He turns the corner to a dining area that looks pristine and untouched, and around another corner is the kitchen, all windows and clean appliances and glossy countertops. The only indications that anyone’s been in there are the few dirty dishes in the sink, the amazon prime packaging scattered on the kitchen island, and more than one unfinished mug of tea sitting on different surfaces.

The windows in the kitchen look out into the backyard, where you marvel at the sparkling blue in-ground pool and what looks like a hot tub.

The sound of the fridge opening tears your eyes away from the windows.

“I’ve got, uh,” Van holds the fridge door open wide, the sound of glass clinking as he pulls a bottle of beer from one of the side pockets. “Some Coke, Dr. Pepper, lemonade…” He lets go of the door to pick up a bottle of orange juice, which he inspects carefully. “Some orange juice. Dunno if it’s good, but if you wanted to risk it be my guest.” He offers you a sheepish smile. “Haven’t made it to the shop in forever.”

“Coke’s good,” You tell him, and he sets one of the red cans on the island.

Van shuts the fridge. “Do you want ice?”

“Nah,” You shrug him off, “The can is fine.”

You use the tab to crack open your can while Van rustles through a drawer until he can find a bottle opener, getting his beer open. You two gravitate back to the living room, Van taking a seat on the dark, plush sectional in the center of the room.

He sets his beer down on the coffee table, no coaster in sight, before shucking his shoes off and stretching his long legs across the short end of the L shape.

Taking your own shoes off buys you a moment of contemplation before you decide to sit down next to where he’s stretched out. There’s no space for you to stretch your legs out, but you’re comfortable folding them up on the couch with you, getting comfortable cross legged while Van procures the remote from somewhere, starting the TV up.

“Look at the moon,” You marvel quietly. The living room features an entire glass wall that leads to an outdoor patio, the moon and stars sending a white shimmering glow over the furniture.

Van doesn’t say anything, but when you turn your head to glance over at him he’s admiring it too before he meets your gaze. He still doesn’t speak, the moment doused in comfortable silence.

“Can I use this?” You ask him suddenly, your hand landing on a folded up blanket a few cushions away.

“Course.”

You unravel the blanket and lay it over your lap while Van gets Netflix going.

“What do you wanna watch?” He asks when prompted to pick a profile. There are only two on the screen; Van and mary. You smile to yourself at the fact he shares an account with his mom as he clicks his.

“Um,” You look over the options on the screen. “Are you in the middle of anything?”

“Not really. Caught up on just about everything in Ireland.”

Van starts absentmindedly flipping through the trending now category, previews playing automatically.

“Have you seen that?” You ask when he hovers over one of the titles. “I heard it’s supposed to be really, really good.”

Van lets the trailer play out, detailing what looks to be a plot about infatuation and stalking. You can tell you’re both interested by the silence that falls over you.

“Sound good?” Van gets up to switch the lights off. The room is shrouded in darkness, Netflix lighting up his silhouette as he gets settled on the couch again.

“Yeah,” You nod, “Let’s see if it lives up to the hype.”

You’re all too aware of your proximity to Van as the show starts. You can’t look over at him without him noticing considering it requires you to turn your head, but you can’t help but feel like you can sense his eyes on you. The result is you spending the first half sitting stiff as a board, paralyzed.

But the show lives up to it’s viral social media hype, and you soon become so engrossed that without really realizing it you’ve stretched your legs down the long side of the couch, your head coming to rest on the cushion you had been sitting on. Van passes you one of the throw pillows he’s been hogging, and when you elevate your head you’re so close you can hear his breathing.

The longer you watch, the more convinced you start to become that this date was all an elaborate plan devised by Van to kill you, and that he really did stalk you months ago in San Diego. Your mind wanders for two seconds, contemplating your current position on a stranger’s sofa, and suddenly the plot has taken a twist and the main character is having sex.

It’s almost like watching a sex scene with your parents in the room, although Van is anything but. You cringe as breathy moans ring out through the surround sound and you’re forced to watch a trainwreck of a scene where the the girl is getting fucked, hard, with her windows open, the stalker watching from the bushes across the street. It’s over quick, the character’s on-again-off-again boyfriend leaving as soon as the deed is done, but to your horror the scene only gets worse as the girl starts to hump a throw pillow in compensation for the orgasm she didn’t receive from her boyfriend, all the while the stalker starts jerking off in the bushes.

“Oh God,” You groan, turning your face to bury it in the throw pillow. “I literally can’t watch!”

Van chuckles as you listen to the rest of the scene play out.

“You’re missing it.” You can hear the delight in Van’s voice. “He’s about to blow his load right there on the street.”

“I wanna miss it,” You tell him, but still turn your head to peek at the screen. “Fucking creep.”

The ending of the scene is a crescendo of orgasms and moaning, the actress for the main character really laying it on porn-style for her big finale, while the stalker is abruptly interrupted by an oblivious woman asking him to hold the door, his orgasm incomplete.

“That was fucking creepy,” Van agrees. The episode isn’t done yet, but you can tell neither of you are paying attention to the remaining plot.

“Those windows are freaking me out,” You whine, gesturing to the windows that had previously brought you the view of the night sky, but that you’re now convinced have someone peeping through them.

Van heaves himself off of the couch. Before you can question him he’s crossed the room, pulling giant sheets of blinds down over the windows.

You sigh in relief, but it’s short lived. “But what if you’re the stalker?” You narrow your eyes at Van, who’s looking down at you as he heads back to his seat.

“I’m quite daft, then. Spending all this money on a wine-and-dine when I could’ve been outside your bedroom window for free.”

You make an exaggerated retching noise. Van laughs.

There’s a beat of silence, and then: “Is it really like that?”

You turn your head to peer up at him, propping your chin up on the overstuffed pillow. “Like what?”

“Like she did,” Van gestures towards the screen, “Where you fake it, and then the lad leaves, and you go back at it again.”

You frown as you ponder his question. “I’m sure for some girls it’s not.” Van’s eyes are trained on you, hanging onto your every word. “But as far as I know it usually goes something like that.”

“Pillow humping optional,” You add. “You can use your hand. Personally, I use a vibrator. Or the mood passes and you just go to sleep.”

You don’t know where this burst of boldness to talk about your sex life so openly came from, but Van looks a bit panicked as a result of it.

“And when we…” Van’s voice is low, and you watch his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows, his brows knitting together. “Did you…”

“That was genuine,” You reassure him, watching the relief wash over his face.

Van makes a noise in the back of his throat. “But you have? Before?”

“Faked it?”

Van nods.

It’s your turn to swallow. “Yeah. I have. Not with you. But yeah.”

“How, though?” Van scratches the back of his neck. “Y’know when you watch porn or somethin’ like that, you can tell they’re playing it up.”

You can feel a mischievous smile stretching across your face. “You sound curious.”

“I mean, kinda, yeah. And it’d be good to know. So you can’t fool me.” He offers a sheepish smile at his own joke.

“That would imply you need fooling,” You point out, your voice quiet. There’s no real need to whisper, but the heavy feeling of attraction that’s suddenly pressing down on you keeps you from speaking full volume, especially considering your proximity to Van.

Van doesn’t speak, only holds your gaze. He’s got the same look in his eye that he did outside of the hotel that night when he was openly checking you out. You do your best to match it, your mind quickly wrapping around a plan. Now was as good a time as any other to make your move.

“Well, I mean,” You break his gaze, looking around the room instead. “It ruins the magic if you know it’s fake.” You give an exaggerated sigh. “But for you, I’ll make an exception.”

You sit yourself upright, Van carefully watching your every move.

“We gotta set the scene, though,” You tell him, standing up from the couch and wriggling your pants down your legs. “Get yours off too,” You tell him.

Van doesn’t question it, getting down to his briefs and peeling off his socks after he watches you take off your own.

You originally planned to keep your shirt on, to leave something to Van’s imagination, but you catch him admiring your black lace underwear and can’t resist revealing the rest of the matching set.

“Just want it to feel as real as possible,” You’re as nonchalant as possible, your voice the only sound in the quiet room. You realize then that Van’s muted the TV.

“Right,” Van agrees, fumbling with the buttons lining the front of his shirt. There’s no other layers underneath, so he’s shirtless in no time. “Now what?”

You pretend to think about it only to drag his anticipation out a few moments longer. While you torment him your eyes drag up and down his body, drinking in the familiar sight.

“Say we’re doing something like this,” You murmur, stepping over to where he’s still stretched out. You slide a leg over his waist, and with the soft slide of skin and fabric you’re settled on his lap, mimicking a riding position. He’s hard in his underwear, pressing against you through the cotton of his underwear and the lace of yours.

“Like I’m riding you,” You clarify, shifting in Van’s lap. You feel him tense up beneath you.

“Put your hands here,” You prompt him, gently grabbing his wrists and bringing them to rest on your sides. His hands feel hesitant to make contact with you at first, but at your encouragement he holds onto your sides firmly.

“Now, the first step is build up.” Your voice stays low, like you’re trading secrets with him. “It’s not gonna be realistic without warning. Gotta spend some time doing something like this…” Without further ado you’re grinding against him through your underwear, his fingertips pressing into your flesh.

It’s been way too long since you’ve had the experience of feeling someone’s solid, warm body beneath you, since you’ve felt someone want you so bad. Your first couple of breathy moans don’t even feel fake as you relish in the warm friction, losing control for a beat when your hips jerk on their own accord. “Van, fuck.”

His fingers squeeze you.

“Yeah, like that.” You piggyback off of his enthusiasm. You let your hips apply more pressure to his, but as good as it feels there’s no dry humping that could soothe your ache. Van doesn’t have to know that, though, and you let another desperate sounding noise come up from the back of your throat. Van’s thighs twitch beneath you.

You had been holding onto Van’s waist to balance yourself, but suddenly you move one of your palms to his side and feel him jolt. You look at him then, your face contorting into a look of mild surprise.

“I’m close.” You say it as if you were caught off guard. Van looks like an even mix of seduced and stunned, and the way he’s looking at you makes you close your eyes, scrunch your face up. “I’m, uh,” You pant, “I’m gonna-”

Before you can get to the grand finale your body is knocked off balance, suddenly becoming pressed into the soft cushions.

“Fucking stop,” Van sounds pained as he kisses you, hard. Your body melts into the couch, the sweet and rare feeling of a plan going perfectly warming your body from the inside out. You moan into the kiss.

“I take it back,” He tells you before another bruising kiss. “I don’t wanna know what it sounds like.”

“How are you gonna know?” You push out between genuine gasps for air as Van starts kissing your neck. You arch into it.

“Tell me the truth,” He begs, resting his forehead against your shoulder. You can feel how clammy he is. “Please. Save that stuff for someone else. Tell me the truth.”

You don’t respond, silence in the air as you both catch your breath.

It’s a rather serious take on something you’d thought was lighthearted. You’d never thought twice about faking orgasms. As far as you knew it was quite customary. You’d always figured the amount of times you’d done it had been on the lighter side, too. It’s not like you’d never had one, a fate some women seemed doomed to. But the way Van’s looking at you gives a sudden gravity to your actions.

“No bullshit,” You say firmly. You unwedge one of your hands from where it’s been pressed into the crack of the sofa, and offer Van your pinky.

Van’s intensity breaks as he smiles at the gesture. There’s a shift in his weight before he can get a hand free to loop his pinky finger with yours. “No bullshit.”

Then he’s kissing you again, your head forced back against the cushions of the couch, paralyzed between the furniture and his body. He tastes like the beer he’s been drinking and the butter he’d drenched his lobster in. It should be a bad combination, but it’s so uniquely Van you can’t complain. Not to mention he’s still at the top of your makeout leaderboard, a realization that brings your fingers into his hair.

“Show me your room,�� You tell him when you break apart for air.

“It’s two floors up,” Van groans. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” You laugh at his hesitation to roll off of you.

“There’s a guest bedroom right there.” Van nods toward the end of the hall past the front door.

You consider for a moment. “With windows?” You ask finally. When Van nods, you crinkle your nose in distaste.

“Your room,” You insist, and he finally climbs off of you. As he clicks the TV off you make the sudden decision to grab for the throw blanket you’d been using, wrapping it around your body as if it was a towel.

“What?” You ask when you notice him staring at you in amusement. “It’s fucking cold in here. Don’t suppose you want me to put more clothes on.”

“Deffo not,” Van agrees, and leads the trek up the stairs.

Van’s bedroom is average size, a fact which catches you off guard. You hadn’t known what to expect based on the rest of the house, but besides the giant glass windows that panel the wall the bed faces (which Van covers immediately), and the luxurious attached bathroom, his room is quite ordinary. There’s a suitcase resting open on the floor, and Van has to move an acoustic guitar that was resting on the bed, but otherwise things seem clean. There’s an overfilled hamper in the corner, but you were pleased he owned a hamper at all.

As soon as the guitar is moved you join Van in getting under the covers, shedding your makeshift robe on the floor. The transition back into making out is seamless.

“I can show you for real,” You whisper, surprised to find your bold streak hasn’t run out.

Van makes what sounds like a confused noise in the back of his throat, his lips consumed with being pressed against yours, but as soon as you hook a leg over his waist and start shifting him onto his back he gets the hint.

“You want me to?” You ask him softly, although you’ve got a good feeling you already know the answer.

“Shit,” Van hisses when you slip a hand into his underwear, easing his dick out. “Yeah.”

It’s your first time getting a hand around him properly, and you relish in the weight of him against your palm, the way the head of him is already swollen, peeking out of his foreskin. You give him a few experimental tugs, only to be encouraged by a groan. As much as you want to continue, his briefs are getting in the way.

There’s a bit of clamoring while you two undress fully, but it doesn’t dampen the mood in the slightest.

“That’s better,” You murmur when you’re seated back on his thighs, hand wrapped around him again. You know you should stop, considering you’ve been teasing him for a while already, but the control you’ve got over him is too intoxicating, watching him clench and groan as you experiment with different strokes.

“Where do you keep the condoms?” You ask after keeping the pace with relentless, quick tugs until you felt like he was ready. The only sound in the room is the soft noise of his foreskin sliding over him, but it feels like it echoes.

“There,” Van pants, throwing his arm in a gesture towards one of the bedside tables. You shift slightly off of his lap, your clit pressing against the soft skin of his hip while you dig through the top drawer. The only light in the room is from the soft glow of the city against the blinds, but it’s just enough for you to be able to locate a foil packet before handing it off to Van.

After the ripping of the wrapper, the room falls silent except for the harsh noise of breathing. Van’s hands bump against you clumsily while he gets himself wrapped, and you try to match your breathing to his slow, deep breaths. You sound more worked up than him, your anxiety making your breaths shallow and harsh.

Van brushes one of his hands against your thigh while he withdraws his hands, signaling he’s done.

This time when you slip a hand around him you’re gentle, careful not to disturb the thin layer of latex you can feel stretched over him. “Ready?”

You’re already shifting into position, rearing up onto your knees and maneuvering above him. Waiting for the green light.

“Yeah,” Van chuckles. “Let’s have it.”

The room goes quiet again, Van waiting with baited breath as you position him. You swallow hard, trying to soothe the fluttering in your stomach as you start to lower down on him.

It’s unceremonious, a hushed and slow process. There’s no dramatic sinking down like there is in porn, no loud screams of pleasure. It’s a slow stretch as your body accommodates him, an active effort to keep your balance as you make small shifts to try different angles. There’s the occasional sharp breath, but you’re not sure if it’s from Van or if you’re doing it without meaning to.

There’s a collective sigh of relief when you’re fully seated, your thighs trembling against his from the stretch. You’re terribly out of practice with this, and you’re mentally kicking your past self for her confidence while your anxiety starts to prepare you for Van’s disappointment.

Your nerves and self-consciousness mix together to form a hot flush on your face, one you’re grateful Van can’t see. You make a last-ditch effort for a deep breath before you shift your hips, preparing to proceed.

You’d forgotten how good this was. Or maybe it wasn’t actually ever this good; maybe it’s just Van. But as soon as you get a pace going any nerves melt away, replaced instead with electricity that buzzes down your spine, through your hips. It zings it’s way across your thighs, making any discomfort worth it as you make sure to lower yourself completely every single time, feeling yourself fill up.

Van’s got a white knuckle grip on the sheets, but you’re barely noticing his reactions. It’s like you’re possessed, your body moving without your control as you chase the feeling. What feeling exactly, you’re not sure; there’s the friction of him sliding in and out of you, the feeling of fullness that punches you in the gut every time you lower down, and the white-hot spots you can get him to hit depending on the angle. They all mix together, heat and tingling and sparks that have you hunched over, hands pressed into his chest, your hips erratic.

Your thighs start to fail you, and when the ache becomes unbearable you settle for staying seated, keeping him fully inside of you as you shift around, feeling him rub against your walls. You clench experimentally, just to see if there’s a way to get him deeper, closer.

You’re only jolted from your own thoughts at the sound of Van moaning. It’s loud, the volume paired with the vulnerability of the sound startling you.

You look down at him then. He’s got his forearm thrown over his eyes, and his hair’s a mess against the mattress, having pushed the pillows awry without you noticing. His mouth opens, lips forming a silent shape before he finally chokes the word out: “Stop.”

His other hand is pressed against your thigh, although you don’t remember it being there. His fingers dig into your skin. “Stop,” He says again, voice strained.

Your hips slow, any pleasure in your entire body fizzling away in half of a second. Your self consciousness comes crashing down over you in one suffocating wave as you hold completely still, confused.

You must’ve fucked up. Must’ve read the situation wrong, not realized that Van wasn’t into it. Must’ve heard his moan wrong. Must’ve missed something important. You feel the sweat that’d been developing on your forehead go cold as you mentally search for your fatal mistake.

“Is something wrong?” You ask hesitantly. You’re still frozen, careful not to move a muscle while you await Van’s response.

“No,” Van chokes out. He lifts his arm from where it’s obscuring his face, running his hand through his hair instead. You can see his bicep flex as he pulls his own hair by the crown of his head. “You’re incredible, fuck. I can’t fucking stand this anymore. Switch me.”

His praise delivers an instant wave of relief, one that has you beaming down at him. He returns the smile weakly as you unseat yourself, plopping down on the soft mattress while he scrambles into the new position.

“Scared the shit out of me.” You don’t know why you admit it. Maybe your brain is too foggy for censors. “Thought I was doing horrible.”

“Nah, fuck that.” Van’s lining up again. “Could just feel you getting tired. Figured I could return the favor.”

He takes your cue from the way you open your thighs wider, shift your hips up to meet him. He slides in easily, and as the shock of the interruption fades away you can feel your orgasm coming back to the surface, just as strong as it’d been previously.

Van takes his favor-returning duties seriously, fucking you with all he’s got. It’s different from last time. You’ve already set the rules and he follows them meticulously: sudden thrusts in, followed by a torturous pause so you can fully appreciate him inside of you before a long, slow withdraw where you can feel every inch of him. It’s too much and not enough at the same time, and when you’re on the brink you haul him in with a hand on his jaw for a kiss, gasping for air against his open mouth.

Van comes first despite his heroic efforts to hold off. Your only warning is a few moments of loose hips before he’s cursing, his hand slapping the headboard as he clenches it, exhaling your name.

Your only response is to kiss him. His lips are soft and pliant, moving easily against yours now that any tension has leaked out of his body, and you slip a hand between your bodies, desperate to feel as relaxed as him.

“Don’t,” Van slurs. Your fingers had already started tight circles against your clit, but Van bumps your hand away. “Quit, lemme.”

“I can do it,” You huff, your desperation putting you on edge.

“I know you can.” You can hear the amusement in Van’s voice as he pulls out and ties off the condom, leaning over to deposit it in a trash can you didn’t know existed. “But m’not inept either.”

After another impatient huff from you, Van’s fingertips are pressed tight against your clit, working it in loose circles. He doesn’t linger too low and you’re grateful for that, already feeling the tenderness start to catch up to you. He’s careful and precise, hanging onto your every noise as he tries to get it right, and when he succeeds you reward him by calling out his name over, and over, and over.

To your surprise, you open your eyes to Van sticking the fingers he’d touched you with into his mouth without any hesitation.

Your eyes feel like they’re about to bug out of your head. “Why are you doing that?”

There’s a wet noise as Van’s lips release his fingers. “Needed to clean ‘em off.”

“You could’ve asked me to pass you something. The blanket’s right here.” You reach to the floor and grab the soft fabric, showing it to him for emphasis.

Van just looks at you quizzically, cocking his head. “Why would I wipe off on a blanket?”

“I just, y’know,” You flounder for an explanation, especially under Van’s gaze. “If you’re not into the taste, or something. I dunno.”

Van shrugs. “Into your taste just fine.”

You can’t keep the surprise off of your face. “Oh. Alright.”

“I’ll have to show you next time,” Van says with a joking wink before getting up, heading for the bathroom.

As soon as he’s turned his back you bury your face in nearest pillow, beaming into it. Next time.

You sit up straight when you hear the toilet flush, regaining your composure.

When Van comes back into the bedroom he immediately grabs for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter resting on the bedside table. He offers you the box, but this time you shake your head.

“Let’s see how these sheets look,” He says, cigarette bobbing loosely between his lips as he makes the few strides to the bedroom door, lifting the dimmer and illuminating the room.

It feels out of place to be naked with the lights on, and you reach over and grab the throw blanket off of the floor, wrapping it around yourself again as you stand to take your turn using the bathroom. You examine the sheets with Van, and they look no worse for wear except for a slight wet spot marking the spot on the bed where you’d came.

“Just that bit,” You acknowledge, gesturing to the spot. “Sorry.”

Van pulls the cigarette from his mouth, rolling his eyes playfully as he exhales smoke. “It’s nothin’. It’ll be dry in a few seconds. Go freshen up, love.”

Your cheeks heat up at the nickname, and you head for the en suite so Van doesn’t see.

“Do you need anything from downstairs?” You ask after you’ve taken your customary after-sex pee. “I gotta go get my clothes.”

Van’s perched on the remade bed, finishing off his cigarette in only his briefs. “You’re gonna put your clothes back on?”

“I mean, I gotta wear clothes in the Uber,” You joke.

“You don’t have to Uber home,” Van says, ashing the butt of his cigarette out in an ashtray. “I was gonna make us a fry up tomorrow.”

His britishness catches you off guard, and you laugh. “I have no idea what that is.”

“Oh, no way. It’s a big breakfast!” He gestures with his hands, “Eggs, bacon, sausage, the whole works! It’s fucking class. What d’ya say?”

You hold up your hands in playful surrender, even though it causes your blanket to sag. “I was only leaving because I didn’t know what you had going on! But that sounds good.”

You try not to read too much into how pleased Van looks at your agreement to stay.

“But I’ve still gotta go downstairs and get my bag,” You tell him, “So do you still need anything?”

“I’ll go with ya.” Van lights his second cigarette. “Could use a cup of tea.”

You two return to the mess you’ve made of the living room; throw pillows smushed from being under your bodies, clothes strewn on the floor, drinks lukewarm on the table now. Van takes your can of Coke and his empty beer bottle around the corner into the kitchen, while you gather up your clothes and purse before following him.

“Ugh, ready to take these things out,” You complain, fishing through your bag for the contact case you’d packed. You hadn’t wanted to assume Van would want you to stay over, but it was always best to be prepared.

“Take what out?” Van mumbles, turning to look at you from where he was standing over the stove babysitting a tea kettle.

“My contacts.” You open the case up on the island, not bothering to wash your hands before getting the dry lenses out easily with your finger, depositing them in the fresh solution you’d been sure to fill the case with. Van watches the whole spectacle curiously.

Even though your vision is blurry once you’re done sealing the case and putting it back in your bag, you can still see Van’s smirk.

“What?”

“Nothin’,” Van sing-songs, his voice going up an octave. “Seems like you came pretty prepared, s’all.”

You scoff. “I take a contact case with me everywhere, thank you very much,” You lie.

Van snorts. “With the liquid already in it?”

You blanch, caught. Van laughs in delight.

“Oh, shut up,” You huff. “How about you tell me about that breakfast you already planned for us, huh?” You make your way around the island to him, gently jabbing him in the stomach. He pokes you back. It’s tit-for-tat until you’re both laughing, interrupted only by the tea kettle coming to a boil.

By the time you’re back upstairs, Van nursing a warm mug of tea, your post-orgasm exhaustion is at its peak. It had taken all your strength to climb the two flights of stairs, and you don’t think twice about crawling into bed wearing only your underwear until you hear Van fussing with the closet door.

“Here,” He takes a plain black t-shirt off of a hanger, tossing it to you. You accept it graciously, slipping it on before tucking yourself under the sheets, eyelids heavy.

When Van slides into bed next to you he doesn’t seem ready to sleep, picking up his mug of tea instead.

“Jet lagged?” You ask, peering up at him from your spot nestled in his blankets. Everything smells deliciously like him, and you have to actively resist the urge to look like a creep that sniffs everything.

“Kinda,” Van smiles down at you. “Don’t sleep much in general, though. Always been quite hyper.”

His declaration doesn’t surprise you. Considering all the fidgeting, humming, toe-tapping, and fingertip drumming he seems to be doing every moment, you have no doubts about his boundless energy.

“Hm,” You murmur, yawning. “Well, lucky you.” You pat his leg under the blankets before flipping over.

You can’t help but imagine what it might be like to actually see Van tired. What it might be like for him to lay with you in bed, your body wrapped around his. With that on your mind, you doze off quick.

You’re disoriented when you open your eyes, expecting to be in your own bedroom. Instead you’re greeted by the bright L.A. sunlight, the shades pulled across the window seemingly useless in filtering it out.

Van’s not in bed. There’s his mug from last night on the nightstand, and the blankets and pillows are ruffled, but the bathroom is clearly empty.

You’d totally forgotten to ask him for a phone charger last night, something you only remember when you go to check the time only to be greeted with an unresponsive screen.

You decide to climb out of bed and see if Van’s actually following through on his promise of breakfast. It’s foreign to you, wandering around a stranger’s house. You’re usually the type to roll back over and go to sleep until you know for sure other people are awake. You’ve never been the one to make yourself at home, using the kitchen or the television without permission. But considering Van doesn’t seem the type to head back to bed, this seemed like your best bet.

Midway down the first staircase you realize that you don’t have pants on. You could head back upstairs and grab your clothes but decide against it, praying Van’s not the type to have company at this time.

Thankfully Van’s right where you anticipated. You hear his singing ringing out through the living area before you’ve even turned the corner to the kitchen, along with the clatter of pots and pans. The acoustic guitar that had been resting on the bed last night is propped against the coffee table now. He must’ve been up for a while now.

“Hey,” You say softly when you round the corner. It’s only for Van’s benefit, so he’s not startled by your presence, but he doesn’t miss a beat in the song he’s singing, only grinning at you as he continues. You smile to yourself when his back is turned. Of course he’s not one to scare easily.

He’s definitely been to sleep, considering his pillow-mussed hair and the fact he’s still only in his underwear. You admire the way the muscles in his back flex as he scours through the fridge, procuring ingredients.

“What time is it?” You ask, peering around for any sort of microwave or oven clock.

“Half nine,” Van chirps, bumping the fridge door closed with his hip, a carton of eggs and a frozen pack of bacon in his hands.

“Oh.” You intertwine your fingers together. “So, uh. Is that, like, eight-thirty or nine-thirty…?”

“Nine-thirty,” Van elaborates. He glances at you over his shoulder from his position at the counter. “Do you not say that here?”

“I’ve never heard it,” You shrug. Van nods as he processes your answer.

“So, what are you making again?” You stop leaning on the island in favor of approaching the counter, looking over the various foods sitting out. “A stir fry?”

“Well, about that…” Van says sheepishly, opening the carton of eggs. “I was gonna do a whole fry up, but like I said, I haven’t been to the shops in forever. So how do you feel about just eggs, bacon, toast?”

“Sounds lovely,” You tell him, continuing to hover around him.

Van cracks whatever eggs are left in the carton into a mixing bowl, leaving the eggshells in the nearby sink.

“Do you need any help?” You ask, feeling terribly annoying while you just watch.

“Nah.” Van shrugs you off. “Just keep me company.”

“I’ll sit down, then, instead of being in your personal space.”

“You’re gonna sit all the way over there?” Van whines when you tug one of the island stools out to sit on.

“There’s no other place to sit!” You exclaim.

“Right here,” Van slaps his palm down on the counter.

“I don’t have pants on!” You insist. “I’m not gonna put my bare ass on your kitchen counters.”

“I need you over here!” Van argues. “I need someone to help supervise!”

“Then how about I pull the stool closer?” You start to drag your seat over the tile floor.

“Then it’ll just be in the way. Come sit up here and talk to me.”

You pretend to be inconvenienced by his request, sighing as you hoist yourself up on a section of counter not currently being used to prepare food. The marble is cold against the back of your thighs, and you cringe.

You watch Van diligently mix the eggs with some milk using a whisk. With the way his head’s bent, you can see how crooked the part of his hair has become from sleep.

“C’mere,” You gesture. Van looks up from what he’s doing.

“Your hair is driving me nuts,” You elaborate. When he’s looking up at you it’s even more unruly.

Van abandons the mixing bowl, setting it aside in favor of coming to stand in front of you.

“You don’t like my morning hair?” He teases. He lets you maneuver the angle of his head and stands there patiently as you start to pick at the strands.

“Love it,” You assure him, “But if I’m going to supervise I’ve got to make sure you look presentable.” Once his part is sitting correctly you comb your fingers through the ends, managing to get about half of them to lay uniformly. It’s an improvement. You pat his shoulder, satisfied.

When he looks up at you, your faces are awkwardly close.

“Thanks,” Van murmurs, and you watch the way his eyes dart down to your lips before flickering back up. Your hand still hasn’t left his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Is all you manage to say, any witty or funny remarks disintegrating on your tongue. You wait for an interruption, for Van to jerk away and remember the food he needs to tend to. But he doesn’t.

His lips press into yours instead. It’s the first time you guys have kissed without an impending sense of urgency. Van brings his hands up to rest on your waist, his fingertips fidgeting with the hem of your borrowed shirt. You sling your arms around his neck, tugging him closer, savoring every moment.

You spread your knees apart, making space for him to fit his hips between them, pleased to get him even closer.

Van pulls away to breathe and you rest your head on his shoulder, trying to hide your smile. It occurs to you when you turn your face and admire the long lines of his neck that you’ve never paid much attention to it.

You can feel Van melting into your arms as you start at his shoulder and mouthe your way up. You don’t intend to leave any marks, but that doesn’t stop you from letting your teeth graze him a couple times so you can hear the way he sucks the air through his teeth at the feeling. You can feel his pulse right at his jaw, and you press your lips there firmly for a moment, marveling at how his pulse skitters against his skin.

“Christ,” Van murmurs. Your lips curve into a smile where they’re pressed against him.

You’d planned to be done at his jaw, but curiosity gets the better of you and you let your lips travel higher, trying to feel for his pulse behind his ear. The ends of his hair tickle your nose as you search for it, but feeling his heart stutter again is worth it.

When Van can’t take anymore he turns his head, bringing his lips to yours. Your hand comes to rest on the side of the neck and you don’t know if you’re imagining it but Van seems to lean into it. You tense your fingertips, digging them into his skin just slightly, experimentally, and Van deepens the kiss.

You make a small, satisfied noise as you break away from him. “You don’t happen to keep condoms in your kitchen, do you?”

You’d been feeling Van get hard the entire time, but when he pulls away you marvel at how terrible he is at concealing his desire; his pupils are blown, there’s a fresh flush to his cheeks, and his chest is visibly rising with every breath.

“I don’t, no,” He runs his hand through his hair, successfully reversing your attempts to make him look presentable. “I’ll go grab one from my wallet.”

“Hurry,” You urge him, pleased at how quickly he turns to leave the kitchen. He’s still just as handsome from behind, and you marvel at how his briefs hug his ass before he spins, catching you.

“Stop ogling at me!” He teases. You stick your tongue out at him.

With Van gone, it’s just you and the abandoned mixing bowl of eggs alone in the kitchen. You take a deep breath, kick your legs out from the counter awkwardly, and count the seconds until he returns, condom in hand.

“Okay,” He sets the condom down on the counter, and loops his fingers into the waistband of your underwear. “Hips up,” He quips.

You obey, pressing your palms flat against the counter so you can get your hips into the air and Van can get your underwear down. Van tugs his own briefs down his legs easily, kicking them away. You watch them slide across the kitchen tile.

Van opens the condom, giving himself a few quick tugs in preparation to roll it on. At the sight of him you swallow nervously, the visual reminder bringing the ache between your legs to the forefront of your attention.

“Go easy on me, okay?” You laugh, but the slight waver of your voice betrays your nerves. Van’s too smart for any sugarcoating. His blue eyes snap up to meet your gaze, all seriousness, a silent questioning.

You give him a slight smile, crinkling your nose. “I’m sore.”

Realization dawns over him. “Gotcha,” He nods.

Van positions himself between your knees, using his hands on your hips to gently guide you to the edge of the counter.

“I feel like I’m gonna fall off,” You whine. Van only smiles, still looking down at your bodies.

“I need you right here at the edge,” He explains, letting go of you when he’s satisfied.

“You sound like an expert.” It’s a dangerous joke to make, something twisting at your stomach at the sudden thought of other girls having this same kind of morning with Van.

“Not even fucking close,” He assures you, and your stomach unknots.

He works on lining himself up, but you can tell the way your body is curved in order to have your arms wrapped around his shoulders is making an odd angle that’ll be uncomfortable.

“Don’t go yet,” You plead, suddenly desperate to try a different position. He stills, his eyes flickering to yours.

“This angle isn’t gonna work,” You answer his unspoken question. “I think I need to…”

You don’t finish the rest of your sentence, opting to carefully lean back instead. You have to bend your neck to fit under the cabinet, and push a knife block a little off to the side, but eventually your shoulders come to rest on the cool tile of the wall. It’s uncomfortable, to say the least, but it allows your hips to tilt back. Your hands grapple for the most comfortable way to keep yourself from slipping off of the edge of the marble.

Van looks amused. “You good?”

You nod.

“We don’t have to do it in here you know,” He gestures with his hand towards the exit to the kitchen. “I can lay you out on the couch or somethin’.”

“In here’s fine,” You insist. You’d never had kitchen sex before, and your curiosity about the experience was stronger than the ache in your neck.

Van playfully throws his hands up in surrender. “Okay then,” He laughs, before positioning your hips again and lining himself up for the second time. “You ready, then?”

With your eager nod Van slides in. He goes slow, his brow furrowed. You can tell he’s taking your request to be gentle to heart.

He’s careful not to bottom out, and from your position sitting back can see the restraint he’s exercising, how tight and rigid his body stays while he starts thrusting, shallow, slow.

It aches but only slightly, and it’s an incredible reminder of last night. Your hands scrabble against the countertop, desperate for anything to hold on to. They find nothing. There’s nothing you can do except hold as still as possible to keep your balance.

Van’s an absolute vision, the morning sun beaming through through the kitchen and making him glow. You watch the sweat glisten on his chest, the way he looks like he’s so lost in you he wants to close his eyes. He seems determined to keep them open, watching your every expression. You can see the muscles in his stomach flex with each movement, the angle of the sunlight creating a tiny shadow near his bellybutton. It’s too much. You close your eyes.

That only makes it worse, though, only forces you to focus solely on how the movement of him against you feels. You’re forced to lay there, completely still, the image of Van burned behind your eyelids. The pleasure is making you feel like you’re about to crawl out of your skin, and not having an outlet is driving you nuts. You slap your sweaty palm against the countertop. Van doesn’t even flinch.

“Holy shit,” You gasp, tipping your head back against the cool tile, finally opening your eyes to the bottom of the wooden cabinet. “I can’t fucking take this anymore,” You heave.

Van’s forced to stop thrusting when you manage to get your legs around his waist, bringing his hips flush against yours as you work your way back into the sitting position you were originally in before you had the idea to sit back. There’s the uncomfortable tickle in your stomach as the angle changes, and you hope things will work this way. At this point, anything feels better than laying there helplessly.

“Sorry,” You breathe, back to wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a sloppy yet gratifying kiss.

“Don’t be,” Van brings your lips together again. He’s got he slightest bit of stubble growing. It’s too light to be visible, but you feel the slight scratch of it against your lips and bring your palm up to rub your thumb over his jawline, feeling the hairs.

You keep your legs around Van’s waist but relax them enough so that he’s got room to move. He takes it as an invitation, starting to fuck into you again, and makes a noise low in his throat. You can’t decipher if it’s from pleasure or discomfort, but it sounds urgent.

“Okay?” You ask, craning your neck away from where you’d been examining his freckles in extreme detail, getting a full view of his face instead.

“Yeah.”

You raise your eyebrows at how strained his voice sounds.

Van runs his hand through his hair, the strands that hang near his forehead damp with sweat.

You’ve stopped watching his face, your eyes instead wandering to the top of his shoulder, the little freckles that pepper him there. You only see his expression out of your peripheral vision when he finally speaks, his voice low: “It’s fucking tight.”

He sounded hesitant to say it, as if worried you’d take offence, but instead you lean over to start kissing the freckles on his shoulder you’d just longingly gazed at. Your stomach lights up at the way he sounded, vulnerable and maybe shy, different from the ever-confident Van you’re used to. You hide your smile in his neck and breathe in his scent while you’re there.

You could already tell you wouldn’t be able to come in this new position, last night’s ache becoming slightly too pronounced, but you were more than happy to let Van keep going. You spend the time alternating between kissing him deeply and kissing his neck, and letting your hands wander over any bit of his skin you can reach. An orgasm almost sneaks up on you, your thighs tensing of their own accord, but Van gets there first. It’s the quietest he’s ever been, shaking through it breathlessly, head pressed into your neck, your fingers still playing with the ends of his hair, which looks almost blonde in the morning sun.

Van catches your cringe as he pulls out.

“Did it hurt?” He asks, voice rough.

“Nothing serious,” You assure him. “It was worth it.”

He ties the condom off and opens one of the cupboard doors below you, leaning over to deposit it in the trash.

It takes a second for your head to wrap around the way he sinks to his knees suddenly.

“What are you doing?” You sound more frantic than you’d meant to.

“You’re sensitive, yeah?” Van raises his eyebrows at you for confirmation. You nod, stunned to silence.

“This is about as gentle as it gets,” He shrugs. “As long as you’re good with it?”

“Um, yeah,” You stammer. “You could give it a try.”

It’s hard to form words correctly when Van’s face is right between your legs, looking at you in all your after-sex glory. You have to actively resist the urge to squirm away and cover yourself, your cheeks heating in self-consciousness.

If Van notices your discomfort he doesn’t show it, only looking pleased that you’ve given him permission.

You can’t stand watching him lean forward, opting instead to tip your head back towards the ceiling and squeeze your eyes shut, waiting for him to begin.

You tense up when you feel it. Van’s warm breath tickles you before you feel the wet slide of his tongue against you. You jolt. He gives a few more experimental licks, slow and languid, moving around, and your fingers tangle in his hair instinctually.

It’s not that you don’t want it. It’d be a lie to say you’ve never thought back on that night in San Diego and wondered absentmindedly about things taking a different turn in his hotel room. Your sleepy mind curiously twisting the events, wondering if he’d be any good at this.

But as curious as you were, the thing about head is it always just seemed to be a grand waste of time for you. On the very few occasions you’d been on the receiving end, the act had consisted of slimy, uncomfortable exploration with movements too inconsistent to get you anywhere. And worse, it was treated as a gift, one you were inevitably supposed to return. The lackluster results along with the heavy implications meant you tended to keep your distance.

But after some exploration Van seems locked in on his mission. You dare to peer down at him when you feel him start to find a rhythm, one that has your legs opening wider without your control. His eyes are squeezed shut, his nose brushing against you with every lick, and when he exhales hot air you can’t help but shiver.

You let go of his hair, your knuckles aching from your tight grip, but Van makes a noise. It’s too quiet for you to hear, but you jerk as you feel the vibrations against you, the message loud and clear. You rush to grab his hair again, flustered.

The better it starts to feel the more apparent it becomes that he’s in the wrong spot, a different area starting to throb for his attention. Without really thinking about it you use his hair to herd him to the other spot. He’s just licked firmly against it, your legs quivering, when he sits back on his knees.

“Done?” You ask, surprised to hear disappointment in your tone.

“Nah,” Van wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand. “Need a breath.”

Your shoulders sag with a relief you didn’t know you felt.

“How is it?” He croaks, peering up at you.

“Good,” You answer out of habit, before realizing how true it is. “Really, really good.”

“You like the spot I was in?” He inquires, gearing up to keep going. The way he sets his jaw in determination makes your mouth go dry.

“The one higher up,” You clarify, your voice only slightly above a whisper. “Yeah.”

And without further ado he’s back at it, resuming in exactly the same spot, a miracle that leaves you speechless.

There’s nothing unexpected about your orgasm. It’s a steady build, the pressure between your legs becoming more and more unbearable as Van’s tongue works firmly against you. He incorporates his lips in some mysterious way you’ve never experienced, and uses his palms to press your thighs open when you’re too clenched to keep them open yourself. He’s eager to please, treating any noises you let slip as feedback. You moan his name as praise and Van preens under the attention.

It’s a long descent back to Earth, your head spinning when it’s all over. The first thing you realize is that you’re awkwardly petting Van’s hair, smoothing your palms over the strands subconsciously. You pull your hands away as Van leans back, catching his breath.

“Sorry,” You murmur.

“Hm?” Van busies himself wiping his mouth. You can see his chin glistening from you.

Your head’s too foggy to clearly remember why you even said sorry, let alone explain it to Van. “I dunno,” You say instead.

“Can you pass me one of those?” Van asks, gesturing to a roll of paper towel that’s within arm’s reach of you. You rip away a few squares for him and pass them over.

“That went better than expected,” You confess breathlessly.

“Yeah?” Van cocks his head, looking amused. “Thought I wouldn’t be any good?”

“Not at all! I mean- that’s not what I meant,” You giggle, trying to find the right words somewhere in your haze. “I’m just surprised I came. It’s never happened from that.”

Van blinks at you. “No shit?”

“Yeah, I’ve never. Until now. But I don’t really let anyone do that. Swore it off a few years ago.”

“But you let me?”

“I mean, yeah,” You shrug. “I’ve never had anyone, like, want to. I’m not gonna beg for something useless.”

“Never had anyone want to?” Van looks stunned as he uses the edge of the counter to help himself off of his knees. “Who the fuck have you been with?”

It sounds hypothetical, so you don’t answer. Van shakes his head to himself as he leans over, washing his hands in the sink.

“We’ll have to do it again sometime. Properly. That angle was kind of shit.”

You smile. “I mean, I thought it was pretty nice.”

Van smiles too, sliding down the counter so he’s in front of you. He leans in for a kiss, and even though you can taste yourself on his lips you let him.

“It can be better. You just gotta gimme another chance,” He says playfully when you two separate.

He’s joking, but you can hear he’s being genuine underneath.

“I mean, if you want,” You shrug, indifferent.

“Oh, I want,” He assures you with a wink. “Anyway, are you still hungry?”

“I’m starving,” You groan. “But I really need to rinse off, if you don’t mind.”

“Course I don’t mind. I’ll set you up in the bathroom and then get breakfast going for real this time.”

He reaches down for his discarded briefs, slipping them on before leading you back up to his bedroom, getting the shower in the en suite going for you.

Once you’re done showering, smelling like all of Van’s products and wrapped in a giant, fluffy towel, you slip out of the bathroom and into Van’s room. You perch on the edge of his bed, reaching for your phone which has finally powered on with the help of a borrowed charger.

There’s a ton of texts from Mary, her curiosity growing the longer you haven’t responded. You listen closely for any sign of Van, but there’s silence. He’s still in the kitchen working on breakfast. You dial Mary’s number.

“Holy shit, finally!” Mary exclaims down the line. “How was last night?”

“I’m um,” You keep your voice low, still paranoid Van might come upstairs to check on you at any moment. “I’m still here.”

“No fucking way,” Mary hisses. “You stayed the night?”

“Yeah. But hey, listen, I don’t have too long, he’s making breakfast-”

“Breakfast?” Mary interrupts. “Like, what kind of breakfast? He can microwave oatmeal?”

You snort. “No, like a real breakfast! Eggs and stuff.”

“Shut the fuck up. I knew he was perfect the first night we met him!”

“Mary, listen!” You hiss. “I gotta tell you about what just happened!”

“This is gonna be good.”

“Oh, it’s better than good. He’s, like… Wow.”

Read Chapter 3 here

#summer's a knife #catfish and the bottlemen #catb #van mccann #van mccann fic #vanfic #catb fic #van mccann fanfiction

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ms31x129 · 5 years ago

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Haunted Dreams by Ms31x129 (Existence AU - Part 5)

Summary: Scully had chosen his jailer well.

Part 1- A Child Is Born, Part 2- Desperate Lullaby, Part 3- Sacrifice & Part 4 - Faded Love

If I tagged you and you aren’t interested please ignore and sorry for the wait. This will probably be 7 chapters in all. Chapter Names will take you to AO3 if you prefer reading on Tumbler it’s below blog tags.

@cultureisdarkbeer @season4mulder @baronessblixen @kikocrystalball @kyouryokusenshi @piecesofscully @monikafilefan @today-in-fic @improlificinsarcasm @lappina @skullsmuldon @mulder-even-if @strangerinthesacredheart @wholeperson @mobygirl21 @faithfirst2016 @postmodernpromartheus @lmsmith099 @alienbaby-babymama @sandymans-world @blossom-ofsnow @rationalcashew @thatsaprettycoolposter

Scully had chosen his jailer well.

Three weeks had passed, father and son on their own, except for Gibson.

Mulder had fed William and placed him in his crib. He stood there hands on the railing and watched his son - even in sleep his small lips suckled. Was he dreaming of Scully? Dreaming of her voice? Dreaming of her smell or the soft skin of her breast under his hand? He remembered watching in amazement as she tickled William’s mouth with her nipple. And how eager his son latched on and drew that sweet rich milk into his mouth, his tiny hand on her breast fingers splayed.

Each time was such a beautiful moment he would find his eyes wet - yet he felt contentment and a peace he didn’t think he’d ever known. A peace he was now without and questioned if he would ever have again.

Earlier that day Gibson had approached him and told him they would have to move soon. Mulder knew better than to ask, Gibson’s knowledge remained locked in his brain inaccessible, unlike Mulder’s own. Didn’t seem fair that Gibson had an all access pass into the ‘Mulder Inner Psyche.”

Mulder heard Gibson’s footfalls behind him, but he did not turn.

“He is, he does.” Gibson’s voice was soft, “I don’t mean to intrude, but your thoughts and his are similar. Williams are indistinct but so pure. I know your words, but I see images and I hear sounds from your son.”

Mulder finally turned, “I’m listening.” The mossy hazel eyes meeting Gibson’s were Mulder’s yet not, like the spark for any type of truth or life had been extinguished.

“He wonders where she is. He sees her hair and hears her heartbeat…” Mulder noticed a blush rising on Gibson’s cheeks. “You’re right he’s dreaming of suckling and misses the taste. She’s humming to him and rocking, maybe? He’s sleepy, but he hears you over everything. He loves you both - it’s like a bright shining ball of light he so happy, he grabbed your thumb or finger and he’s falling asleep I think. He felt safe and secure.”

Mulder turned away wiping his eyes and looked back down at his son. Gibson sighed and stepped into the doorway, but he couldn’t leave just yet. “Mr. Mulder? He still does… he feels secure with you. He’s still happy… I - you know - I don’t know if my parents were really my parents in any biological sense, it seemed like they just were there. I wanted to say William is so lucky to have you for a father and Agent Scully for a mother.”

Mulder reached into the crib and picked up his sleeping son. He walked to the rocking chair and sat down. The motion soothed both father and son and as Mulder finally dozed he thought again… Scully had chosen his jailer well.

As the three of them moved from place to place 2 weeks here 3 weeks there Mulder could only marvel at the meticulous planning behind their journey. He knew Gibson was reading his mind, but Mulder vocalized it regardless.

“Scully planned everything.”

“Yes,” Gibson nodded and looked at Mulder. William was asleep in the car seat and they had stopped to pick up some burgers and fries on the way to the next location. “But the plan wasn’t for you.”

“What are you saying?”

“When you were taken and she didn’t find you in Arizona - she was so close - we both were. But then they found your body and you left everything to her - she started to plan. If after she gave birth and if she sensed any danger she was going to take the baby and run.”

Mulder shuddered when his mind flashed to pain, blood, the whir of blades, the high pitched sound of a laser. His own voice hoarse from screaming, screaming for Scully. He breathed slowly and forcefully pushed those thoughts back through the door that had briefly opened.

Mulder was quiet as he processed Gibson’s revelation, a response seemed useless, they finished their meal in silence. Mulder gathered the spent wrappers and containers, William was blinking his eyes when Mulder got back from the trash can. He opened the back door, unbuckled his son and picked him up. “Hey buddy.” Gibson handed Mulder the diaper bag, he nodded his head in thanks. “Yeah I thought I’d better change and feed him before we get back on the road.”

Mulder took several steps before stopping and turning. Gibson resembled a young sentinel standing watch beside their Jeep. “Gibson - Scully was this really the only way?”

Gibson’s face was solemn. Mulder didn’t need any further acknowledgment, but he held William a little tighter though on his way to the restroom. It had been three months Mulder knew there was more he needed to know. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready to hear it…

The camaraderie between Mulder and Gibson deepened as they spent time together eventually Mulder no longer thought of Gibson as his jailer, but as his young friend. Maybe even a younger brother.

The dreams began the same night William babbled Da-da for the first time.

Mulder had just changed him and he was tickling William by rubbing his nose over the soles of his feet. It elicited giggles and squeals. Mulder then moved to his belly tickling and blowing several raspberries. Williams hands smacked Mulder’s head and he grabbed fistfuls of hair. Mulder gently pried Williams fingers apart and mock yelled, “Ow! Will don’t pull Daddy’s hair!”

Will continued to smile up at his father and that’s when it happened. “Da-da!” Mulder’s expression must have entertained his son and he repeated it several more times. “Da-da, Da-da, Da-da!”

Mulder swore his heart grew, just like the Grinch. His first word was Dada. That night though Mulder couldn’t stop the feelings of despair from creeping back in. Would he ever get the chance to hear his son say Mama? Would Scully?

She asked him to forget her. How could she not know even death was unable to eradicate her from his mind… or his heart.

That night he had his first dream of the beach.

Darkness. A beam of white reflected from starlight sparked and twinkled as it danced against the crashing waves at the water's edge. It calmed Mulder even with the waves reaching to the heavens against the nearby rocks, travelling through his auditory senses. In the distance stood a petite figure. Red-golden hair blew in the breeze covering the faceless figure staring out on the watery horizon.

"Scully!" Mulder cried out. His feet carrying him swiftly toward her. Slowly, the figured turned, like on a turntable rotating towards the music of his voice. The winds velocity gained in strength the closer Mulder got until instead of a pillar of salt like Lot's wife, she transformed to grains of sand. "Nooo!" Mulder screamed, but it was lost in the breeze. The sandy particles stealing her form - kissing his flesh with biting pricks as they drifted past him in the wind.

Mulder woke up sweating, shaking, head and heart pounding. William was crying louder than Mulder had ever heard. Was something wrong? Mulder lurched to his feet and ran to the nursery. Mulder could see panic in Gibson’s eyes as he transferred William whose his face was beet red, his breath hitched and tears streamed down his cheeks into Mulder’s arms.

William’s fists pounded against his father’s chest, Mulder gently palmed his son’s head, thumb stroked his downy hair. He rested his lips against William’s forehead murmuring soothingly until William’s hitching sobs slowed and became a mournful mantra of “Da-da.”

Mulder’s legs were still shaky with the residual remnants of his dream and fear that something was wrong with his son. The rocking chair beckoned. Mulder followed the call and sat quickly re-positioning William he began to rock, the familiar motion soothed both father and son.

“What happened, Gibson?”

Gibson looked slightly nauseous a pasty almost green hue overtaking the panic that had been present on his face. He gulped, “I, I … your dreams - William’s - I can’t. I’ve got to go.” Gibson ran out of the room.

Gibson made it to the bathroom in time. After vomiting and dry heaving he was left feeling shaky and weak. He managed to splash cool water on his face and brushed his teeth staring at his reflection in the mirror, his head still aching as snippets of Mulder and William’s dreams spiraled through his head.

Gibson looked into the wastebasket wads of bloody tissues from his sudden nosebleed earlier lined the bottom. He didn’t want Mulder to see the evidence, didn’t want to add to Mulder’s worries. The pain had been excruciating like a bomb when off inside his head and Gibson had felt true fear in that moment.

After throwing away the small trash bag Gibson went into the nursery, Mulder and William were fast asleep in the rocking chair. Gibson grabbed a soft throw blanket and draped it over the exhausted father and son. They were both dreaming of the beach again, but it was calm and soothing.

Gibson knew he wouldn’t find sleep for the rest of the night so he began to pack their belongings. Not much to do really - living from a suitcase was a part of life on the run. The next morning in subdued silence and after eating breakfast they loaded they loaded Silver Minivan. Exchanging vehicles during their journey at random safe houses was the norm as well.

Gibson and Mulder continued their discussions on the road. Gibson thought Mulder used his innately curious nature to avoid thinking about the woman he loved. Gibson answered as many as he could if he knew the answer.

“What happened to the creature in the Power Plant?”

“How did you get out? Why didn’t it hurt you?”

“Are they still here Gibson? Can you hear them?”

Gibson also discovered on this trip that usually when they neared a large city it was easier to block out the multitude of voices buzzing in his head. To focus only on Mulder and William - sometimes he would fall asleep during Mulder’s quiet times, which were few, listening to the slushing surf William shared.

They all had bags under their eyes - even the baby. A full night of rest was impossible. Gibson had another nosebleed and Mulder was in the rocking chair with William again. Gibson really didn’t want to intrude on Mulder’s dreams, but he was drawn in like a magnet.

Mulder and Scully were making love on a beach. Mulder’s white dress shirt was ripped open his tuxedo jacket under Scully - he still wore his trousers. “I love you, Scully.” Mulder said as he stroked into her with a snap of his hips, wringing a deep moan from her. His head dropped and he sucked a nipple into his mouth swirling his tongue over the pebbled tip until Scully panted and his name was drawn out of her.

He rolled until she was astride him, his hands guiding and following her hips - mimicking the ocean waves behind them. Scully was wearing a black dress the top of it hung around her waist. Her breasts swayed invitingly and he leaned up to lick one and then the other. She tightened around him the spasms rippling along his flesh pulling his own climax from him. She collapsed onto his chest, in moments their hearts were beating in tandem. Scully slowly sat up, Mulder grunted still half hard inside her.

“I’ll never forget this Scully.”

She looked down at him and shook her head sadly before leaning forward and gently kissing him. “You will.” She whispered before she sat up again and just like before she became sand and the wind consumed her. Mulder sprung to his feet yelling - looking around wildly. “Scully! Scully! Scu...ly,” before collapsing to his knees. “Don’t go.” He choked out.

Gibson found himself muffling his own cries into his pillow. The people he called his parents hadn’t loved him like that. Would anyone ever?

#msr fanfic #msr #xfiles fanfic #The X-Files #xf fanfic #txf fanfic #xf season 8 #xf existence #xf fanart #xffanfic #mulder and scully #xf william #todayinfic #today-in-fic #today-in-fanfic #Gibson Praise #xf hollywood ad #what did m&s do the rest of the night

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haiqyu · 7 years ago

Text

Remember

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

"sorry what? " I must've heard him wrongly.

"My name is Taeyong. "

I froze at the name. Taeyong... Taeyong? You mean the Lee Taeyong in the notebook...? That's not true. Maybe it's another Taeyong. I know two Taeils so... Maybe it's just a coincidence. God is probably messing with me right now...

I coughed and nodded. I wrote the names onto the respective cups. Wow. Writing became so hard. "you two could take a seat first. I'll call you when it's ready. " I smiled at them.

They nodded and took the table nearest to the counter. They continued laughing and chatting and I went ahead to make the drinks. I did the usual thing and poured the drinks into the cups. I put both cups onto the tray with the straws beside them.

"Drinks for Yuta and T-Tae... Yong... " I stuttered at the name.

They collected the drinks and went back to their seats. I gripped onto the counter as I felt my head spinning again. I rubbed my temples with my other hand. "please... Not now... "

Just then, I blacked out.

Such a beautiful scenery... Skies are blue... Trees swaying as the wind blows. Flowers starting to bloom as the sun shines. Petals of the cherry blossom tree falling. I tried reaching out to grab one of the falling petals. How nice... How peaceful. But where am I?

"I found you! " I heard a girl shout.

I turned towards the voice and I saw a girl that looks like me with another guy... They were both wore clothes from the past. The girl ran over to the guy and back hugged him. They both fell onto the soft green grass and both started laughing. The boy reached out, touched her face gently and rubbed her cheek with his thumb softly. She rested onto his embrace and closed her eyes. He kissed her forehead softly.

"I love you so much, Taeyong... "

"I love you too, -

The wet towel being placed on my forehead woke me from the dream. My vision was blurry but became clearer. I looked to the side. "Oh, Johnny. Why am I...lying down? "

My colleague, Johnny was putting the wet towel on my forehead. He was kneeling down beside me. He looked so relieved that I was awake. "geez, (Y/n)! You sure know how to worry people. You were out cold for two hours!! I had to take care of you while Taeil is at the counter, replacing you temporarily. What happened tho? "

I slowly sat up, with the help of Johnny. My body was so sore, I assumed it was because I fell onto the floor when I passed out. I rubbed my arms slowly. "I... Don't know too. I just... Passed out... "

"maybe it's because you're tired. "

"Yea... Maybe... "

He patted my back and then my head. He smiled softly as me and stood up to leave. I thanked him when he was about to leave the room. He just waved at me. He's such a cool person... I got up to stand but quickly grabbed onto the chair that was beside me. Blood was rushing to my brain as I got up so quickly.

I walked out to the counter slowly and approached Taeil. I tapped into his shoulder and told him that I would take over now. He looked at me kind of concern if he should let me take over, but he shrugged and nodded. He then left.

I looked around. There's only one customer in the café. I do not have to worry about the customer orders now. I sighed and packed the things out the counter nicely. Wait a minute... Isn't that... Taeyong?

I shot up and looked towards the customer's direction. It is him! Why is he here? Wasn't he with that Yuta guy or something? Why is he alone?

He noticed my presence and walked towards me. I immediately looked away and pretended that I was busy. Please leave. Please leave. Do not come here...

"hey, are you okay? I saw you fainting just now. " he asked me.

Dammit

"oh well, Yea. I'm okay now. Thank you for your concern. But this doesn't mean you can get a free milkshake."

"I am just worried for you. You did fell hard onto the ground. I'm glad you're okay, (Y/n)." as he said my name, his voice cracked.

My heart pounded hard. "how do you know my name?"

"uh uh you name... Tag...?"

"we do not have name tags."

"those two guys were calling (Y/n) at you so I just assumed it was your name."

Oh. Maybe it's not him. Maybe it's not the Taeyong in the notebook. I looked up at him. He looked nervous as if he was caught doing something. His thumbs fiddling with each other. Him looking down at the floor again.

"you know... May I ask you something? " he asked softly. "Can I... Go out with you sometime... "

"l-like a date??? "

"y-yea... "

"sure... My shift ends at 4 so... "

"i-ill stay here and wait for you!!" he said almost immediately. I looked so determined to bring me out. So cute.

I'm flustered. Wow. First time being asked out know a date. Damn (Y/n)! You're lucky. I looked at him as he walked back to his seat. He fist pumped into the air and looked back at me. He blushed hard and quickly went to hide his face on his bag.

I giggled at the sight. I could get use to this! He's so cute... He looked like the guy in my dreams. The guy whose name is... Taeyong... It's definitely not him. Usually the faces I dreamed of are blurry or non at all. This dream was too realistic and... Sad.

What if it was one of the memories that my past self had? Well, they are indeed wearing clothes from the past. She had such beautiful hair... Neatly combed and tied info a bun. White Dress so long that it looks hard to walk in it. Purple diamond hairpin which support the bun and made it look so elegant.

That man tall and handsome. Black hair neatly combed as well. Black suit which looked it had been ironed well. A purple diamond bracelet on his right wrist. The couple was wearing matching accessories. How loving.

I washed the cups and utensils and not long, the clock strikes 4. I took off my apron and took my bag. I went to him. "I'm ready. Let's go. " I smiled at him.

He blushed and nodded. He got up and walked out with me. He opened the door and held it for me. Such a gentleman. We walked around aimlessly. Neither of us interacting but the atmosphere was so comfortable and relaxing as if we have been going out for a long time.

"so... Do you want to go to a amusement park? I know one that is near by... " he broke the silence.

"but I don't have the proper clothing..." I looked down at my outfit. I was wearing a skirt and heels.

I frowned and he took my hand. The sudden interaction made me blush and look up at him. He smiled slightly and dragged me to a store which sells expensive products. I tugged onto his shirt, feeling embarrassed and intimidated. "let's not go onto this store... I have no money to by things here."

He pushed me softly to a shelf full of shoes, nudging me to select one. "I'll buy the things for you. "

I was dumbfounded at the moment. Buy... The things? One pair of shoes costs $60 and I'm just a young adult who only can afford cup noodles as meals. I shook my head and panic. The employees of the store looked at us and they all greeted Taeyong. "Welcome, Mr Lee. Do you need help?"

He just pointed at my figure and said, "she's the one that needs help. "

"Taeyong, I can't afford them. " his name naturally flowing out of my mouth.

His eyes widen and he smiled. He grabbed both of my hands and patted them. "it's okay. Feel free to pick anyone. "

Even though we just met for technically 2 hours or less, he's already making a move. However, I would just immediately let go of my hand, but this felt so... Warm and it felt so right that I'm touching his hands.

I just found the cheapest pair of shoes that I could find in the store and pick the cheapest pair of black pants. Even though they were the cheapest, it costed $160.30. I felt so bad as we just knew each other for a short moment only. He paid for the items and I got to put them on. They were comfortable tho so that's a plus.

I was determined to treat him for lunch, even though I can't afford one proper meal for myself. Well, I'll try.

We got out of the store and walked closely. It's that comfortable silence again. But it's starting to feel awkward. Well,i felt like it because he just paid for my clothes. When I was deep in thought, I felt him pull me into his hard warm chest. It didn't hurt and wow. He has a great scent. Very fresh and comforting. I blushed. HARD.

"w-what are you doing?? " my face still onto his chest. I didn't want to look up since I'm too embarrassed to do it.

"A bicycle ride past and he was going too fast. I didn't want you to be hurt so I just... Yea" he held my hand tighter.

"oh... Thank you." I smiled.

He let go of me but continued holding onto my hand. We walked together hand in hand for a while. I think... I'm falling for him...

Just then, he pulled me towards an entrance. I looked up and realised that it was the entrance to the amusement park. I gasped. I've haven't been to one for a very long time.

"wow... WOWW!!! It's so cool!!! " I dragged him around the park.

I looked around and there were so many attractive rides. The one that caught my eye was the roller coast which allowed us to go upside down. "that one! That one!!! " I pointed to the roller coaster.

I saw Taeyong gulped hard and I giggled. I didn't waste anytime and dragged him along. We went onto the ride and we sat down on one of the carts. I knew Taeyong was scared so I held his hands tightly. "I'll be here to protect you, Taeyong"

Just then, I got another vision...

"I have to go and train for the war, (Y/n)... I do not want to leave you... " the man pouted.

The girl hugged him tightly and held his face,while squishing his cheeks. "you do not have to go! I'll go there and fight for you!! I will protect you no matter what!! "

Both of them smiled and stayed in the embrace for a while.

A tear slide down from my face. I looked at him. He looked at me back and smiled.

"you always had... "

"what did you say? Sorry I didn't catch it. "

"mmm noThINg"

When he finished speaking, the rode started. I felt his whole body freeze. He held my hand as tight as he could. He shivered. He started screaming while the roller coast was going up. "(Y/n)! No! Please save me! Ahhahdodjjnsxjndxihsbd"

I laughed and rubbed my thumb onto his hand. "it's okay!!" I shouted at him.

"NOOO!!! "

I continued laughing so hard that I started drooling. Oops. He's so cute. I could protect him forever!! He looked so chill but he's soft in the inside! Cute. He continued screaming and when the roller coaster went down, he screamed till it hit falsetto.

I couldn't concentrate on the ride as I was laughing so hard. His long limbs failing around and accidentally slapping my face. He didn't even know as he was so caught up with the screaming.

The day went over fast as we were having so much fun. The awkwardness melted away and it created a beginning of a new friendship.

After the amusement park, he brought me to the park. His hands still on mine. We didn't know as we were talking about our day. I looked around and saw many couples in the park. The lamps were dimmed but we were still able to see where we are going. It's really romantic. We passed by an old lady who was selling hair pins and small accessories.

He pulled me towards the old lady and looked what she was selling. The lady started taking.

"you know... Fate is unfair. Sometimes you want it to be a happy ending, but instead you got the sad ending again. Make the right choices."

Taeyong nodded and continued looking for something. I just took the words to heart. Happy ending is what the story doesn't have.

He paid for something and looked at me. "here. Close your eyes! "

I followed what he said and closed them. I waited and felt him touching my hair. I waited for a few seconds and opened my eyes again. I took out my phone and looked at what he had done.

"we now have matching accessories! Purple diamond stuff. " he smiled.

I touched the hairpin and looked at the bracelet that he was wearing. Isn't that... What the couple was wearing?

"Pretty isn't it? Somethings has to go back to the original owners. " the lady said.

I looked towards her. "who are the original owners? "

"they are right here, (Y/n)." the lady replied.

The wind got strong and leaves started to fall from the branches due to the impact. I shivered and held onto my scarf to prevent it from flying away. When I stabilised myself, that lady was gone.

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enaasteria · 7 years ago

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Answered Asks // 3

Consolidating asks as to not spam dashboards. Under the cut!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: March 29th 2018, 3:56:00 pm · 2 days ago wanted to drop by and let you know that i've been listening to 'Fool of Me' by Meshell Ndegeocello for more than a week and it reminds me so much of the heartbreaking moment in chapter 11 when Sehun made the decision to leave Ahri behind. imnotcryingyouare. i hope they become like the song 'Cheek to Cheek' (Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald version) *hinthintwaggleseyebrowswinkwink* hope you have a lovely day <3!

AHHHH REPLIES *-* <3!!! I accept the love you’ve bestowed upon me. I shall violently love you back *SHOOTSHEARTSATYOU* dont worry, I remember the what I wrote in the recs message! I was saying that I’ve been listening to this song ‘Fool of Me’ by Meshell Ndegeocello, which reminded me so much of the end of chapter 11 when Sehun decided to leave Ahri. The heartbreak is so real T_T imnotcryingyouare. I hope they end up being like ‘Cheek to Cheek’ (Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong version)! - ma

OMG SO APPARENTLY I DIDNT DELETE IT. This is how tumblr inept I am. I thought I did. It showed that I did when I was on the computer but apparently I didn’t on mobile. WEIRD. Listening to it now!

Both of these songs sound so similar. I feel like I’ve heard them before omg. good recs. I really like them.

Fool of Me by Meshell Ndegeocell

Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space... What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside OMG MY HEART IS BREAKING. Why do the lyrics fit so well. Right off with the first few lyrics. I’m crying. YES I AM CRYING. This was almost the same words she thought in the chapter. Was she there only to temporarily fill the void in Sehun’s heart when she felt it was for Jiyul instead. OH NOOOO.

I can't touch you no more Can't touch you any more any more And this relates to Chapter 12 a lot how she wouldn’t really look at him or touch him and this is so sad. THIS WHOLE SONG IS SO SAD but it’s so fitting to that part when he chose Jiyul over her and IT”S GOING INTO MY APT PLAYLIST.

Cheek to Cheek by Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald

THIS WHOLE SONG. Can I just say how cute it is??? This just makes me feel like I missed an opportune moment for Sehun and Ahri to dance together at the wedding??? I kind of made it so that it was Soi and Ahri dancing puahahahha. Technically, I should’ve made Sehun and Ahri dance because he tends to dance when he’s nervous about something.

Sooooo BOOOOO I MISSED THE MOMENT. BUT STILL. It’s ok hahahahah But really. This song. The beat. THE CHEEK TO CHEEK. More like forehead to forehead between the two leads. Thank you so much for the recs!!! I loved them so much and can’t wait to add them to my playlist!!

I read chapter 17 till half past 4 in the morning. I had to sleep because i needed to wake up at 9 for a gym session the next morning. But I have sleep problems so I kept waking up throughout the night and reaching for my phone to reread 17 in my sleep-induced haze and dozing off. I had to fake illness and reschedule my gym session in the end xD. I hope my trainer doesn’t see this. HAHAH even when I was half asleep, I kept thinking that I still had so much to tell you about 17!! - ma

OMG MA. WHY DID U STAY UP SO LATEEEE. NUUUUU. Also since your music anon and the abbrev is MA, I literally scream MAAAAA LOOOOL. AND OMGOSHHHH. Please rest. Please sleeeeeep. Your poor thing. i’m so sorry that the story kept waking you up. But I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and really thank you so much. I really can’t appreciate your messages enough. They make me so HAPPPPPYYYY //runs off screaming while drinking my coffeeeeeeeee//

@sehunsmile said to enaasteria: March 30th 2018, 11:42:00 pm · 9 hours ago ENA, ENAAAA!!!! I JUST GOT HOME AND I'M FINALLY GONNA READ CHAPTER 17. I'M SO NOT READY BUT I AM! I KNOW I'M GONNA DIE, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS CHAPTER AND GOD CHAPTER 16 ENDED SO GOOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT BUT I'M EXCITED SO I'M GONNA READ IT NOW! SORRY FOR ALL CAPS I'M JUST TOO EXCITED AHFNJABFKSBFLSKFJDKJDFK

YASSSSS. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF IT AND I DONT MIND CAPS LOCK AT ALLLL. IT just shows me you’re really excited and I’m excited for you to read it. Many apologies for how long it took me to write it but I hope you enjoy it. AHHHH TY FOR LIKING CH 16. I remember being really stressed over it because it was so SLOOOOOOOWWWW but yas yas. Please enjoy 17. Thank you for your patience //hearts u//

@heythereitsmo said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 12:12:00 am · 8 hours ago Oh when Sehun tells Ahri the story of the Keepers, I remembered you wrote a piece about it and it was just — beautiful. I cried then and I cried now because it literally took my breath away. Every chapter is so stunning Ena, every word resonates so deeply in my soul. It wasn’t always easy but they’re happy together and in love and I hope on my own stars that someone will love me the way Sehun loves Ahri — even if there are flaws and hurdles. You wrote this fabulously, love. Fantastic job.

YAS!!! You caught the merge of Keepers into Apt. This and Yua x PCY are all other stories I’m working on and I wanted to weave them into apt for continuity. I like having all my stories intertwine in some manner. It’s fun but also makes my brain want to explode when I have to make it flow right LOL. YOU’RE REALLY GUNNA MAKE ME CRY. Thank you so much for reading. I really remember you as one of the readers staying with this fic for so long. i really think it’s been years for you and I’m so grateful for your patience but also all the support you gave me. I wish you all the love and happiness and thank you for loving my characters as much as I do.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 12:26:00 am · 8 hours ago Okay but Sehun getting provoked by ahri’s ‘other men’ amuses me sooooo much THANK U SO MUCH FOR CH 17 I honestly needed some destressing with an overload of fluff (and that thick tension 😉😏) ☺️💕💓😚

I definitely had to throw in Ahri’s other men to lighten up the mood hahaha. JK JK. I just really love jealous sehun?? I think he’s super sweet and it’s not like he’s like the bad kind of jealousy. He’s just irked??? LOOOL. It’s cute when he’s just agitated. I really hope you love the fluff and slow burn for the kiss LOL

@shewantsmeshesgotme said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 1:35:00 am · 7 hours ago I. AM. IN. LOVE. NXKELBFKDLFNFNDNNSKDKFNFBI. I CANT EVEN FORM THOUGHTS IM SO BLOODY IN LOVE OH MY GOD ENA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!!?!? You....you are some sort of a genius wizard I can’t even...I’m just broken I love this fucking story so much and YOU I LOVE YOU THANK YOU CHRIST I NEED TO SIT AND STARE AT THE CEILING FOR AN HOUR. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

LORIIIIIIIIIIIIII. THANK YOUUUUU GAHHHH. THANK YOUU SO MUCHHHH. Thank you for your help. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the screams. IM NOT A GENIUS WIZARD. YOU ARE. BUT THANK YOUUUU. Really thank you so much for reading this fic and DONT STARE AT THE CEILING. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. Now that I finished 17, I can get to reading all the fics that are sitting in my backlog and I really want to read all of yours. I really need to read The Boxer. It’s on my to do list foreverrrrrrr. hugss!!!

@yeolieminelli said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 2:25:00 am · 6 hours ago HUHUHU. Just finished Ch. 17 😭 It's beautiful. How the each traditional family story just made sense for Ahri and Sehun ❤❤❤ Thank you for writing such a beuatiful chapter for both of them. You are a great writer dear. 😁😁😁 On a side note- I was listening to an instrumental that fit so well for the last part of Sehun's surprise, it felt even more magical. I wish I could share it with you, if I discover how. 😂

YAYYYY!!! I”M SO GLAD U ENJOYED ITTT. RIGHT? I’ve had that ending in my head for 3 years now and it’s finally there. It’s finally written and can I place a pat on my back for it because I thought it was fitting for their story too. Thank you so much for your help on it and thank you for reading. What instrumental?? You can send me the title and I can look it up on YT to add to my Apt Song Rec list!!

ramblingpeaches said to enaasteria: @ramblingpeaches I CANT TAG U WHY March 31st 2018, 3:07:00 am · 5 hours ago that was such a beautiful chapter! so worth the wait- no actually way more than that! you honestly have such a way with words. your writing, your story has made me feel a bunch of emotions and you're just so so talented that i feel like i can't properly express how much i adore your writing and hope this somewhat conveys it haha. thank you for an amazing chapter, definitely made my morning! :) ♡

Thank you so much for this message! I’m so glad you thought it was worth the wait. I’m so sorry it took so long to write but I’m such a slow writer. AND I HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS. AHHHHH //SCREAMS// You’re so kind to me and this is really such a great message because it just makes all the screams worth it. AND NOOO. REALLY. You’ve done so much for me. If you read and send me a message of how you enjoyed the chapter, that really just makes my heart swell. Thank you so much for reading!!!

@yeollieollie said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 3:23:00 am · 5 hours ago Omg my heart that was the cutest thing ever why can’t that happen to meeee amazing!!!

Thank you so much for reading!! Wasn’t it??? It’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever written in my entire life and I kind of don’t know what to do with myself anymore LOL.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 5:11:00 am · 3 hours ago hi chap 17 was full of fluff i literally died after reading it 💗 tq for writing such a wonderful story! :) also! how old are sehun and ahri in this story?

ANONNN. Did you know I screamed a lot while writing this chapter. I felt so bad for my followers on Twitter. They felt the main grunt of it all ahhahahaha. I almost died writing this. My heart hurt so bad from it all T_____T Thank you so much for reading and as for their ages. I heavily---HEAVILYYYY aged Sehun in this because I felt I needed his character a bit older than how he was. And since I started this fic 3 years ago, I really did age this poor boy LOL. He’s 29 and she’s 27 in the story. :)

#ma #music anon #sehunsmile #heythereitsmo #anon #shewantsmeshesgotme #yeolieminelli #ramblingpeaches #yeollieollie

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anotherererifanshippingcorner · 7 years ago

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Actor AU - ereri week day #5

I’ll keep being late, but I really want to write OS with all the prompt for the ereri week. This is the Actor AU from yesterday -though, it’s already 3 in the morning here (so two days ago i’m an horrible person), and I’ll be out in less the four our for a two-days family trip with no pc, so I’ll try to work on the rest on paper. Now, I really need to sleep. (sorry, I don’t know where pining!Levi came from...)

Rating: General Audience

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin

Pairing: Eren Jaeger/Levi Ackerman

Word count: 1913

Additional tags: Alternative Universe - Modern Setting, Actor AU, Pining!Levi, Actor!Levi, Help director!Eren

Summary: One Shot for ereri summer week 2017, Actor AU

He wasn’t pining. He knew what the word meant – to miss or long for, as his generous friend and manager Erd liked to remember him. He had anything he had always longed for -a house that fit a man’s basic needs, a family, even if not blood related, a healthy condition and the job career of his childhood’s dreams-, so Levi rarely lost his patience when the guy started reprimanding him about not giving himself the chance to be happy. What did that mean, anyway? He was happy. He really didn’t need anything and wasn’t interested in nothing more than what he already owned. It wasn’t out of arrogance, an accuse that needed to be addressed since just being a well-know, successful actor seemed to qualify him as the perfectly stereotyped windbag. Levi was genuinely okay with himself. He had his good points and bad parts, as anyone, nothing more. The door opened, cutting short his mental soliloquy. “Good morning, Mr. Ackerman!” There. The help-director who has been assigned to him. Closing after him, Eren Jaeger walked toward Levi with his long, tight-black-jeans-hugged legs, combat boots, and a mouth-watering fitting olive green button down. His hands were full of take away cups and a bag from Levi’s favorite bakery shop. God, that deserved more than a simple “thank you”. “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Levi, you deaf brat?” Okay. Something went wrong during the brain-to-mouth part of the communication. “But sir-“ “No. Every day the exact same thing before we even get things started. Are you trying to offend me?” How was he so much more talented in screwing up all his not-work-related conversation than movie script? He may have accidentally terrified the kid -his big, clear, magnetic eyes were wide with concern and confusion. “NO! I would never dream of-“ “Then call me by my name as I asked you. We have been working together for months, no need for all this formality.” The look in his eyes gentled a little, his features softening with relief and a sweeter hint of affection. “It’s just hard to get unused to formalities, s- Levi.” “Mmh.” He wasn’t smiling, not really. “We’ll just have to get you used to it.” He didn’t mention the fact that they had more or less one last week of filming left, and Eren didn’t, either. He handed out one of the cups and then hesitated, fiddling with the paper bag. “Here is your tea. I, uhm, I was walking past the place you told me about on the way here, the one with fresh bagels and those awesome donuts we ate when your brought them here? I thought they’d make the day start better, since the filming process is getting pretty intense, plus you seemed a lot stressed last week, so… yeah.” Eren gave him the bag and Levi didn’t know if he should gaze in wonder at that or the boy sitting in front of him on the couch. He chose to check on the item in his hands, breathing in. Levi smelled the chocolate-praline coated bagel before seeing or touching it. “Careful, Eren, you’re spoiling me. I may ask you to abandon the movie making road and become my slave.” And that wasn’t meant to sound as sexual harassment. “W-well, I wouldn’t mind this little deviation to become a routine for the days to come, if you’re up for it. Bagel really seems to lighten your mood!” You lighten my mood. He put a hand on his mouth to not let that kind of bullshit escape him. They already talked about boot-licking behavior and how much Levi hated that shit. They barely knew each other when Levi reprimanded him about it, and even then Eren seemed sincere when he admitted how much he admired Levi and his movies and how he wanted to work hard to make sure he wasn’t going to be a burden for any of them. Levi still saw the same determination, though Eren was much more mellow and friendlier than in those first days. He liked that attitude. Soon, they found a rhythm -practicing lines on mornings in Levi’s dressing room until it was time to film. The perfect routine, one he fought to maintain when the director wanted to change filming times due to a not so important reason -Pixis thought Levi wasn’t sleeping enough, that he was giving a hard time to his make up and hair styling team, but that was stupid, he just wanted to be there in time every morning to review his lines with the boy. He started eating, looking over at Eren as he pulled out of his bag the script from today’s scenes and summed up them for Levi. His voice demanded to be listened to, rich and enthusiastic while articulating every word and sentence, and Levi couldn’t do anything but what he was supposed to do. Chocolate hair were brushed off by a strong looking hand, so delicate between between those locks, and Levi followed it until it disappeared, focusing instead on Eren’s eyes. Worse. He sighed and told Eren to hand him the script so he could refresh the lines in his head before they started to work seriously.

***

“You’re being ridiculous.” “I’ve already heard that.” “Because you are! This is your ultimate chance! My God, Levi, you’ve been-“ “-pining on the help-director for moths! Why the two of you always talk about the same thing?! Don’t you get bored?” Erd turned around on the barstool and regarded Hanji, one out of two script’s co-writer, with a disapproving look. “You’re not helping, you know that?” “I can’t not-help something that isn’t even there, now, can I?” Levi shot her a dark look, sipping his drink with a frown. “Don’t you have lines to create instead of spitting bullshit here?” “We finished filming, honey!” “Don’t call me that.” “Aww, come on! Everyone knows, okay? Just go with the flow and see what happens! You two should talk and keep it slow, or meet up and fuck all day. But this sexual tension you’re emitting has to stop. It’s becoming hard staying around you. Literally” “Good.” She whined in annoyance. “Hanji is right. Stop pining after him and do something, dude!” He was not pining, for god sake- “Levi!” He shot around at Eren’s voice and located him walking over from the table where the crew was celebrating for the occasion. His smile was as big as theirs, only ten times brighter and cuter and his eyes where fucking shining under the bar’s faint lights. He wanted to run his hands on his cheeks and jaw and chin and caress those lips that kept forming his name and kiss him and see if they tasted as good as they were inviting- Fuck. He was definitely drunk -ish. “Why are the three of you here alone?! Well, you are three, so you’re not alone, but- you should come over!” Eren was cute when he drank too much. “You drank too much.” Right. No filter. Hanji held her laugh back, looking anywhere but at them, and Erd silently slipped away from the boot, siding her. “What are you talking about?! We are partying!” He threw his arms up, almost losing his balance in the action, and Levi shot forward, steadying the boy. “Stop, brat, you want to sprawl all over the floor or what?” “I want to get sprawled under you…” Eren threw his arms around his neck, this time, and Hanji couldn’t contain herself anymore -she burst out laughing, making meny heads turn around to regard them curiously. “Oh, wow. Okay, that’s our clue to leave!” Erd excused them with those word and dragged Hanji after him, while the woman kept crying out and shout thing like: “good luck with that, man!” He sighed, trying to keep Eren on his feet with his hands on the boy’s hips and ignoring what he said. “Stop saying shit. Come on, I’ll call you a taxi.” “Nooo. The party is not over, I came here to call you, not a taxi!” Levi was tired and drank and grumpy and he wanted to go home, but Eren stayed there, dead-weighing on Levi’s shoulders and muttering unintelligible shit in his ear. He sighed again, his heart was not jumping in his chest. “I’ll ride with you, okay? Let’s go, this is not a place for you in this state.” “But the others-“ “You look like you’re going to drop any moment.” “That’s not true! Stop treating me like a kid!” Eren struggled against him when Levi started to shove him out of the bar, not looking over at the table for even a second. “As you’re right now, you should be in bed.” “You could keep me company.” Levi moaned in displeasure. “You’re such a pain in the ass.” He leaned down and with a swift movement, he grabbed Eren’s leg for support, made pressure on his belly with his shoulder and lifted him up with a grunt, adjusting his weigh and keeping him still with his arm before walking over the door. “Put me down!” “As if.” “I can walk!” “It didn’t look like you wanted to.” “I’m going to spank you right now!” “Be my guest.” They left the bar, one more willing than the other, and Levi called for the taxi and moved closer to the edge of the sidewalk, were a bench was. He threw Eren there, minding he didn’t land too hard, and then sat down next to him. Eren almost instantly attached himself to Levi octopus style, making the actor wonder where he found so much agility when he seemed such a sluggish drunk. “Eren.” “Mmmmh.” “Move.” “I hno wanto.” Levi barely understood him. “I don’t care want you want, move.” He wasn’t agitated. He was perfectly calm. Eren didn’t move. “Eren.” “Mmmh.” “Eren-“ “You’r s’ comfy.” Levi freezed. Eren tightened his hold, nuzzling his face against the juncture of his shoulder and neck, making him shiver. Jesus fuckin- “I like your neck, it’s soft.” He spoke more clearly, taking a deep breath, then another. He was sniffing Levi. His heartrate was okay. It was all fucking good. Levi suddenly felt teeth against his neck and he barely held back a real moan, shocked at how quickly he had relaxed on that bench next to Eren. “Eren, we are drunk. Stop.” “Bt you wan me.” “What?” “I know. People talk. And I saw… when you thought I wasn’t lookin…” Levi swallowed, his throat so dry it hurt a little. And he was sweating, fucking gross! Eren’s words were sluggish, but understandably occasionally. He didn’t move his head and kept hugging him, as if he was afraid of letting him go. Levi just wanted to run. Or stay right where he was. “Why re you always s’ jumpy? I barely know what to do with myself when you… you re so… uh.” Levi’s arm found home on Eren’s bended shoulders, and the tension he felt in the boy’s voice seemed to leave his body, at least. “Not now, brat. We can- we can talk in the morning. Alright?” “You’ll be there?” “Uhm-“ “Stay on the couch. Or in my bed. Whatever.” “You seem awfully awake, right now.” “Not my fault.” Levi nuzzled him back a little, and the two of them waited the taxi. Erd was right -he was pining. But little did they know -Eren was pining too.

#ererievents #ererisummer2017 #ereriauweek #actor au #ereri #my writing #pining!Levi #kind of funny #day 5 #drunk dorks #i want to keep writing but i'm so sleepy #3 a.m. work #sorry

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crispychrissy · 7 years ago

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Shrink - Chapter 2

Summary: When patients of a psychiatrist that caters exclusively to hunters start going crazy and dying, Sam and Dean Winchester investigate what might be causing these bizarre episodes. Pairing: None yet Word Count: 1419 Warnings: Graphic description of violence, angsty fighting A/N: My first fanfic! This is going to be a series, probably over 30 chapters total. Any feedback is appreciated, I am a newbie!

Eyes still red and puffy, Adrian sped down the highway, headed to the no-star motel hell he's called home for the last 3 weeks. The pay-per-view and mini bar were the only things he had to look forward to. He stared at his hands gripping the steering wheel, alarmed by how dirty and unkept they really were. Just like my truck had become, he thought as he looked at the dozens of fast food wrappers and cups scattered all over his truck.

He slid his right hand to the bottom of the wheel and rested his left hand on his left leg. Absently fidgeting at his wedding ring, his eyes shifted and he noticed an advertisement for a liquor store on a billboard, "Luna's Liquors - Next Exit". Shaking his head and feeling the familiar warmth of tears sliding down his cheeks, he flicked his turn signal and crossed over to the right lane, ready to take the next exit.

Adrian pulled into a parking spot on the side street next to the liquor store. He sat there for what felt like an eternity, car still idling. "Just this once, I just need it to stop", he mumbled, shutting off the engine of his pick-up truck and sliding the keys into his jacket pocket. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes again as he angrily slammed both his hands on the steering wheel.

Only thinking about his wife, he aggressively opened his car door and stepped outside, slamming the door behind him. It was a cold November evening, colder than Adrian remembered after leaving Dr. Barnes' office. He shook off the chill that seemed to pierce his bones and zipped up his jacket, making his way across the street.

The sidewalk was abnormally busy for a Thursday evening; but getting close to the holidays, it was to be expected. Adrian was walking against the flow of people, having to dodge bulky coats, shopping bags, and lethargic husbands being dragged around by their materialistic wives. He remembered what that was like, feeling a lump start forming in his throat, he would give anything to be brought shopping with his wife again.

As he was rounding the corner to the entrance of the liquor store, he bumped shoulders with several people walking in a line in a large group. "Well excuse me, rat pack." Adrian grumbled sarcastically as he regained his footing, brushing his jacket off with his hands.

"Calm your pubes, grandpa", one of the people from the group said back, causing several people to laugh quietly as the group moved off. "Assholes," Adrian said as he turned back around and opened the door to the liquor store.

After being hit with the familiar smell of whiskey and sadness as he walked in, he traded soulful looks with the clerk behind the counter. "Can I h-help you find something, uh, sir?" the clerk stammered, after noticing Adrian's bloodshot eyes. "Silence," Adrian said, reading the clerk's name tag. "I want silence, Jimmy." Right as Adrian was about to ask the clerk for help finding some whiskey, he noticed his vision started to blur, colors began to blend together, as light seemed to be overwhelming his brain. He grabbed his head in reflex and let out a soft groan, collapsing to his knees. "You okay, dude?" Jimmy said, placing his hands on the counter and propping up so he can get a better look at Adrian. Flopping over to his side, Adrian looked up at Jimmy with a scared and confused stare. His vision still blurry, he felt cornered and in danger, like an injured antelope being cornered by a lion. Going off pure instinct, Adrian fumbled around the bottom of his pant leg for the knife he keeps in his boot holster. Yanking it out, he flailed and scrambled into a sitting position, backing up against one of the coolers by the side of the store. Tears began to stream down his face again while he stared off into the distance, opening his eyes as wide as can be, but wincing at how bright the store had seemed to become. He wasn't hearing the screams or cries of the children anymore. He was hearing one voice. A voice that had pierced through the wailing and crying. It was his wife. "You're so pathetic, Adrian." she said, practically screaming at him. "I can't believe I ever married such a failure like you. You've been keeping secrets from me, all because you think I can't handle it. I thought we were in this TOGETHER. You're such a selfish prick." "N...nooo...Marrah...please...you can't think that." Adrian muttered to himself, still clutching his knife in his fist, rubbing his head with both knuckles as he pulled his legs in close to him and began rocking back and forth. "But I can think that. You're such a sad man." Marrah's voice hissed back at him. "I knew you would never amount to anything. Why do you think I told you I couldn't have kids? Oh, that's right. I can have kids. I just couldn't force myself to have kids with YOU." Adrian tightened the grip on the knife in his right hand, slamming his left fist down on the ground, feeling the familiar tingle of pain shoot up his arm. "You BITCH! I knew you lied to me!" Adrian screamed, his face now a deep crimson red. Jimmy had made his way across the front of the store over near Adrian, watching in horror and confusion as this man seems to be unraveling in his store. He crouched down next to him, asking him if he was alright. Adrian didn't reply, just kept rocking back and forth. Jimmy placed a hand on Adrian's shoulder and softly whispered "Hey, dude...who are you yelling-" Before Jimmy could finish his sentence, Adrian had his left hand wrapped around his throat as tight as he could, ignoring the pain coming from his wrist. Jimmy grabbed a hold of Adrian's arm, pulling and pushing while struggling to breathe, staring at Adrian with a terrified look. Adrian propelled himself off the ground, still squeezing down on Jimmy's neck. Feeling his grip get tighter and tighter as Jimmy kept struggling, he could feel the bones in Jimmy's neck start to crack and pop like small twigs. "I am not a failure! This is your fault! ALL OF THIS!" Adrian screamed, hearing it echo in the empty store. Feeling the weight of the knife in his hand, Adrian felt so angry...so...hurt...at everything that has happened. He could feel the tingle of rage flow all over his body, intoxicating him...filling every sense he had with blind hatred. He heard his wife laugh at him and call him pathetic once more before he stepped back and forcefully slammed Jimmy on the ground, hearing a loud crack as his head hit the concrete floor. "P...please....no...." Jimmy said weakly as he looked up at Adrian. Adrian stared back, absently shifting his position to tower over him, a dark look of bloodlust in his eyes. "All of my problems came from you!" he screamed, as he slammed his knife into Jimmy's chest, feeling the knife tear through his clothing and bounce off one of his ribs. Jimmy let out a weak yelp, as tears started to slide down the side of his face. Adrian ripped the knife back out and continued stabbing, feeling the knife get slicker with each jab. Now on the floor, straddling the blood soaked boy, he began to laugh. He laughed harder and harder with each thrust of the knife, feeling the warm splatter of blood splash against his face and begin to soak his clothing. Feeling no more resistance when he plunged his knife, Adrian stood up and looked down at the heap of shredded meat, bone, and blood that was once the store clerk, taking in a deep breath and smiling. All he could hear was the sound of his blood pumping and rumbling through his ear drums as he wiped off his knife with his already blood soaked shirt.

He turned around and was face to face with two police officers standing at the entrance of the store, screaming at him and pointing their guns. Still deafened by the loud thumping in his ears, Adrian could not hear them; their voices coming across as a soft murmur in between each thump. Adrian shifted toward them, the smile still on his face, as gunfire erupted...followed by a loud thud on the ground.

#supernaturalfanfic #spnfanfic #oc #shrink #zawiii #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #firstfanfic #newbie #series #fanfic #spn

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lunarmoonacnh · 7 years ago

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i was tagged by the amazing @unhugme

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST… 1. Drink: diet coke

2. Phone call: my mum

3. Text message: my best friend telling him goodnight

4. Song you listened to: Michael Jackson - Pretty Young Thing bc it was on the radio

5. Time you cried: like last night or the night before coz it was 2am and life

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone once lmao

7. Been cheated on: yup...

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: no i dont think so

9. Lost someone special: yes, my great grandpa

10. Been depressed: yes, im currently seeing a therapist

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes! every time i drink unless its wine, for some reason wine doesnt make me sick. i think its because i once totally over did it on spirits and cider so not they just taste like the time i almost died and my body cant take it

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. grey

13. mint green

14. blush pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes, i started college so i made new irl friends because of that and i have also mad new internet friends through this blog

16. Fallen out of love: kinda, depends how you look at it. i didnt know i had fallen out of love until the relationship had ended and i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would

17. Laughed until you cried: always, when i’m with my friends all i do is cry laugh

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, it happens a lot, sometimes negative and sometimes positive

19. Met someone who changed you: yes, for good and bad.

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes, once i left school i knew who my real friends are because they are the ones who kept in touch and the ones who didnt do other things that they knew would hurt me

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yess

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most, i dont know them all personally but i know of them all, no strangers for me

23. Do you have any pets: not at my house but we are getting our little puppy Sully in 14 days. i do have a cat and a dog at my dads house but i very rarely go visit

24. Do you want to change your name: no, i used to want to when i was a kid because i used to get bullied because i had a ‘boys’ name (Billie) but now i like it because its unique

25. What did you do for your last birthday: met my friends that i met on the internet that are now irl friends for a meal and to go shopping. we went for pizza and bowling and then shopping before they had to leave again:(

26. What time did you wake up: usually between 8am and 9am without an alarm

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i was actually sleeping for once if not i was watching youtube videos

28. Name something you cannot wait for: to get my puppy and to meet up with and have a party with my internet/irl friends again in summer

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: like 15 minuets ago befroe i came upstairs to do this

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could control my anxiety and depression or even not have it at all. i also wish my dad would pay me more attention and want to see me more because i miss him and its almost like he forgets i was his first kind before he mt his new wife

31. What are you listening to right now: the 1975

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean i have a cousin name Thomas? but never someone just called Tom without it being shortened

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: life? no but like the fact that im not allowing myself to do the things i want to do out of pure fear

34. Most visited website: Tumblr of course... it is never off my browser

35. Elementary: ive honestly never wanted to go back to a time in my life more than i want to go back to elementary/primary school

36. High School: no thanks to that. i wish i could have been one of the people that called it the best years of their lives not 5 years of asshole bullying me

37. College/university: im commenting on this as England college (16-18 year olds) and ive just dropped out of one part (sixth from) where i was taking 3 subjects Media studies and Film studies which i loved and will miss and Psychology wich i did love but wont miss because i couldnt do it and it made my anxiety sky rocket. in september i start a makeup course and i am so excieted to be a qualified makeup artist this time next year

38. Hair colour: mousy brown

39. Long or short hair: long, like almost to my butt long (yes its natural)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but i could never pursue it bc he is my friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that. ive made that mistake with my ex.

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes. they are grey and kinda ombre like they hae a really dark ring on the outside and they get lighter closer to my pupil

42. Piercings: yes, my first and second lobes on both ears, my helix and forward helix on my left ear. half way up my ear and my rook on my right ear and then my nose

43. Blood type: i have no idea, do people actually know this?

44. Nickname: Bil and B although i dont like B (pronounced like Bee) but its what my cousins have called my since i was really small so it doesnt bother me that much with them

45. Relationship status: extremely single

46. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: pretty little liars, it has just finished and now i am re watching it to find clues about A that i missed

49. Tattoos: no, but i have a couple planned

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: teeth removed they are the only ops ive ever had and will ever have to have touch wood

52. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i danced as a majorette does that count?

55. Vacation: i honestly have no idea, i think i went to Devon though (its a place in the UK) all i know is my first holiday was during 9/11

56. Pair of trainers: probably like Nike Airs or something Adidas i have no idea

57. Eating: i actually know this bc my older cousin fed me a wham bar (a british, i think, chewy candy thing) when i was 3 week old, so i could have died the ifrst time i hate lmao

58. Drinking: i was 14, i know i shouldnt have been drinking because my mum made me promise her i wouldnt, but i remember being so drunk (idk if it was real or faked tbh) on alcopop thats right 4% alcohol and i probs had like 3

59. I’m about to: go get my cousins baby off his Nan so she can get his older brother from nursery

60. Listening to: idk if this is like asking the same as earlier? coz if so t]still the 1975

61. Waiting for: my friend to reply to me an tell me when he is taking me for coffee

62. Want: my dog

63. Get married: probs idk

64. Career: i dont have one rn but hopefully a makeup artist

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: rn hugs i need to hug someone while i fall to sleep so bad its been so long

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller bc im also tall so i need someone taller than me (i dont need but i like a partner to be tall)

68. Older or younger: older, people y age are immature so any younger and i may as well spend my time with a 10 year old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont mind tbh

71. Sensitive or loud: both? not too loud though ya girl has sensitive ears

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, im demisexual (it took me 17 years to figure that out) so hook ups aren’t my thing

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: it depends because i tend to be the cause of arguments and things because im honest but im not out there to cause trouble i just dont like to lie

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yes, dont do it, its bad kids

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: yes, i lose my glasses all the goddamn time

77. Turned someone down: yes, i always feel bad but you cant force feelings

78. Sex on first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of, i doubt it though

80. Had your heart broken: yes, again not fun

81. Been arrested: nooo

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: not always

85. Miracles: yes, the baby i spoke about earlier? yeah hes my miracle, he was born with a new strain of meningitis, he has had 3 lots of brain surgery (at a week old) and the doctors said it was a very low chance he would survive. he did 3 times. his heart also stopped 3 times, again he is here. he also had multiple surgeries on his joints, we got told he wouldnt walk but here he is at 16 months running around like a crazy person and loving life with his older brother

86. Love at first sight: i mean no, how can you fall in love with someone based off their face (no matter how many cute people you see on the street that you think you love, you probably dont)

87. Santa Claus: hes real in my house

88. Kiss on the first date: ive never been on a proper date so

89. Angels: yeah, i really love t believe in thse things because its cute

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: im not saying their name coz idk if thats a good idea tbh

91. Eye colour: greyyy

92. Favourite movie: Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland i just love his aesthetic and the story of Alice so put them together and you have a winner

ok i dont have 25 people to tag but i do tag @theflowerkingdom @kinkylildanny @creepyphantasia @imjustacanforallthephantrash and @dead-nightingale

if you are reading this and you want to do it, go for it and just say i tagged you!

#danielhowellsbooty

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amusetoamuse · 8 years ago

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Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D Season 4 : Episode 17 - Identity and Change Recap

I’m all about experimenting here so today I will try out a new way (for me) of recapping! :)

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D is one of my favourite shows at the present moment. It has really developed so much over the course of the seasons. The plot has improved so much and I absolutely love it now!! Especially what they have done with Season 4 where they split the season into 3 pods (aka story arcs) and I love how it makes for better story telling since the storylines can be more concise and jam packed now instead of dragged and spread across the seasons. I’m normally not one for suspense so shorter arcs are good because we can get the answers to questions much quicker.

I am also a huge skyeward (chloe bennet and brett dalton) fan and find it such a pity that their relationship was not developed more in the earlier seasons because the actors have such amazing chemistry. Fingers crossed for this arc (the Framework/ Agents of Hydra) to have some skyeward scenes please.

Speaking of the Framework, I love how it has the potential to tell stories that could have been told previously but did not have the chance to be told. It’s like a whole world of “What If”s, sort of like a dream world. The Framework, (created by Radcliffe) corrects one regret that the person has through a brain scan assessment. What if Coulson did not join S.H.I.E.L.D? What if May did not kill the girl in Bahrain? What if Fitz never met Simmons? All of these “What If”s will be explored in this pod (as the actors and writers like to call it). Whooop I’m so excited so let’s start watching! :)

In the last episode, we end off with Coulson finally remembering who Daisy is and episode 17: Identity and Change continues from that scene. Daisy and Coulson are in the classroom as Daisy catches Coulson up to speed on their identities (hoho). Coulson’s memories seem a little fuzzy since he claims that Hydra has been using mind-control soap to mess with his memories but tells Daisy not to worry since he makes his own soap now. (HAHAH COULSON YOU ARE THE BEST)

Sign me up to buy Coulson’s soap please. HAHAH. Daisy tells him that he’s probably talking about Project Tahiti instead. Daisy’s phone rings. (Who could it be?) Ward please.

OMG IT IS WARD!!! *internal screaming* (Okay actually I kind of knew since I saw the promos/sneak peeks) but still! It’s so good to see Brett Dalton back on the show. He tells Daisy that Hydra is sending down some personnel to the school and Daisy tells Coulson “ You’re going to need a substitute”.

OMG YESS I’m actually kind of loving the new logo, Hail Hydra. HAHA ok but yes my allegiance is to S.H.I.E.L.D but this logo still looks cool and how they placed the Hydra logo everywhere during this arc, Daisy’s identity and in the scenes. The beauty is truly in the subtle details.

Mack has a daughter and they make the perfect pair. They’re building drones in the kitchen and his daughter finishes her drone faster. Mack checks out her drone and flips it over to find... the hydra logo. oh no. He warns her to stay far away from Hydra so that they can stay out of trouble and she promises to do so. (Aww Mack and his daughter are seriously the cutest, he’s going to have a hard time dealing with this when they get out of The Framework).

They head to the bus stop and the people line up in a straight line and wait for the Nazis (oh wait, I mean Hydra) to show up for the usual ID check (to make sure you’re not an Inhuman / working with S.H.I.E.L.D/ the resistance). Mack tells his daughter to keep her head down and do as they say. She nods agreeably. But alas, she left the hydra drone they were working on in her bag while they were at the line up. Mack grabs the bag from her and says that he will handle this. A guy starts running away. “We got a runner” , the Hydra agent says. They quickly subdue him and it turns out that he’s on the list of Potential Inhumans. Oh no. The Hydra cars drive off. Mack and his daughter Sparkplug are safe and live to see another day of this Hydra Nazi-ness. (Reminds me of the kid from the previous episode who called Hydra the Nazis) hahaha. But what they’re doing really gives off those vibes.

Daisy and Coulson head back to her appartment and she tells Simmons that she thinks that they can trust Ward again, (he’s a double agent in The Framework, but this time for good) Also, he’s helped them a record breaking number of 2 times now. Simmons and Coulson head to the rendezvous point that Ward gave for the Resistance while Daisy heads to the Triskelion to get Radcliffe’s location.

In Madame Hydra’s office, she is talking to a Hydra agent when Fitz enters and she quickly dismisses the agent. Fitz asks her what’s going on and why she won’t let him help out with the subversive (aka Simmons) but she’s insistent on not letting him help for obvious reasons. (#FitzSimmons) . Also Madame Hydra’s real name is Ophelia? Hmmm okay. But anyway, it is so difficult to watch Fitz IN LOVE with Madame Hydra. Noooo Fitz, how could you do this to #FitzSimmons?? She hesitates but finally shows Fitz the photo of Simmons. He’s totally unaffected and says that he will send his team after Simmons immediately. “You’d do anything for me , wouldn’t you?” “I’d cross the universe for you.” OH GOD.NO.JUST NO. Major cringe plus omg how can Fitz be saying such things. They kiss. (Ugh no. Please end this scene immediately).

Thank God. Daisy is back in the office looking up Radcliffe’s info. Ward spots her and says that being here is too dangerous for her and that she should leave immediately. She says that she could that much faster if he wasn’t “mouth-breathing” on her. HAHA. omg they’re just the cutest. She gets the info she needs and they leave together when May stops them and says that Skye needs to come with them.

Omg. my skyeward feels. They’re finally back together. (Side note: the hydra statue behind is looking pretty good).

Ward gets all protective of Daisy (Skye, her old name, in The Framework) and says that he’ll fend off May while she fights the others. She leans in to give him a kiss on the cheek. (Omg the first skyeward kiss in forever, although it’s just on the cheek, but still, omg yesss finally) but no it’s just to pass him the information she got to pass to Simmons. “Skye” . He’s reluctant to leave but she insists and says that she will be okay. He looks worriedly at her as she ascends the stairs to meet with May. (This scene was everything, omg, squealing inside, I’m just so happy to see Skyeward back in action).

Coulson and Simmons are at the rendezvous point for the Resistance.

“For the season, it’s been unusually rainy.” - Resistance contact

“Rain or shine, the man with the umbrella is always ready.” - Coulson

LOL. I’ve seen a couple of secret password exchanges but this has got the be the best/ funniest one I’ve ever seen. HAHA.

The guy takes out hand cuffs and Coulson’s all like “Did I say it wrong?” He cuffs them and puts a black bag over their heads and they’re driven off in a black van. Oh no. Are Coulson and Simmons in trouble? Okay probably not, the Resistance is probably trying to hide their location.

Mace enters in his patriot suit to meet Coulson and Simmons. (Omg another major YES?? Mace as the Patriot, omg wow I have been waiting for this day) “I’m Jeffrey Mace, welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D” OMG YESSSS. He apologies for the hoods and says that trust is a luxury these days. (Yes Hydra, we’re looking at you).

Jemma and Coulson introduce themselves and Coulson has a major fanboy moment. “Wow. I can’t believe it’s really you. The Patriot. The Inhuman leader of the Resistance. He’s kind of a big deal!” He tells Simmons. (Yes Coulson, this is totally what we were all thinking!!!) Mace is all nonchalant about it and says that he can just call him Jeffrey because the Patriot’s a bit much for his taste. Coulson continues admiring Mace and his suit. (I mean, Jeffrey Mace, as the Patriot?? I would be doing that too) Finally getting to see Mace as an Inhuman is definitely a refreshing change in the Framework. (Compared to the real world where he’s human and has to take injections to be strong).

They’re at S.H.I.E.L.D HQ, albeit a little run down, Simmons asks Mace what happened here and Mace tells them that a brave agent name Billy Koenig gave up his life to get him the location. (Sounds familiar aye? haha) Mace says that the early days were tough and a lot of good agents died to get this place up and running and we see a wall of the names of agents.

Simmons walk by the S.H.I.E.L.D lab only this time it’s actually a hiding zone for the Potentials (people who have the Inhuman gene or have a relative who did). The place gives some semblance to them living as refugees until The Resistance can find a safe place to relocate them to.

Skye follows May down the hallway who tells her that Madame Hydra requested for Skye for the meeting and they enter the room where Fitz is giving a briefing to take down Simmons the subversive who’s apparently planning to take down Madame Hydra. “We will defeat these terrorists and make society great again”. (Lol I see what you did there Fitz, pretty subtle but I see you). Anyway, how can Fitz be planning to take down the love of his life, Simmons. Noooo and they somehow decided that Skye should be a part of this? Nooo. Also, “Hail Hydra” the agents chime in after Fitz gives his briefing. (Why doesn’t S.H.I.E.L.D have a catchy tag line too? )

Hope questions Mack about why the Inhuman guy from earlier was taken away if he didn’t do anything wrong. He tells her that she catches on quick but they should mind their own business for their own good and if they wanted to take her away he would take care of it. (aww Mack and Hope are too precious, his paternal instincts are kicking in, in the most adorable way)

Ward enters the Resistance hideout and tells Mace that Skye has been compromised. Mace reassures Ward and says that he has nothing to worry about since she’s pretty tough from what Ward told him. Simmons asks Ward if Skye managed to get Radcliffe’s location and he reaches for the paper Skye gave but says that Skye hasn’t been acting like herself since Simmons got here. Simmons is triggered but all for good measure since Ward was the double agent that betrayed them in the real world but he’s having trust issues with her now. Mace steps in to say that Simmons is only here because he trusts Ward and not her. Wow. (Mace is savage and what a turn of events though).

Skye’s coordinates lead to Ogygia, east of Bermuda. Simmons says that they have to get to Radcliffe ASAP but Mace says that they don’t have the manpower to do so. Coulson asks Mace to send them instead and he politely says that this is a spy organisation and Coulson is a teacher. (gahahha the irony though). He eventually agrees after Ward says that he’ll go with them and supervise them.

Skye, May and the team of Hydra agents head to none other than Mace’s house where the agents subdue him and pull his daughter away from him while Skye watches.

Coulson, Ward, Mace and Simmons enter the hangar where Mace tells them he envisions Quinjets to be flying from here in the future. Simmons smiles and looks at Coulson and says “Imagine”. (HAHAHA imagine indeed. Since it’s real in the real world. )

Coulson questions why Simmons didn’t tell Mace and Ward that this reality was fake but she said that it wasn’t a lie but simply an omission of the truth since Coulson is the only one who remembers how things should be. Ward leads them into the Quinjet.

Mack is in the interrogation room with May and he asks her why he and Hope are being treated this way when they didn’t do anything wrong, especially Hope since she’s just a kid. May says that that doesn’t mean that she’s innocent and Mack says that he will do anything if they won’t hurt Hope.

Back on the Quinjet, Ward asks Simmons if Radcliffe is dangerous to which she responds with “Maybe not physically but sometimes the greatest threats are the ones right in front of you”. (Ooooo damn that burn though haha). Good Ward looks away with guilt and says “I’m Sorry.” (huh. wait what??!?!?!). “I should have never left Skye. “ Jemma and Us : “Oh”. (Lol Ward almost took me for a leap there when he apologised. I thought he was apologising about betraying them in the real world but I guess now is not the time for it, yet.) He gives Simmons a speech about how Skye means everything to him and that he would die for her to protect her. (oooo is this some foreshadowing?) Simmons is not having any of it and she tells Ward that she’ll give him a minute. (Or do you mean give yourself a minute, Simmons? HAHA)

Simmons heads over to talk to Coulson and reassures him that he’s not crazy to which he responds, “I live alone and make my own soap.”(lol Coulson, hahaha I seriously cannot deal with you and your handmade soap HAHAHA) Simmons gives Coulson a pep talk and tells him that he’s exactly where he’s meant to be.

Back at the Triskelion, (what a cool name btw), Fitz or rather Leopold as Madame Hydra calls him is looking at the computer to find the Simmons is dead and confronts her about it and demands that she tell him the truth. (that slam on the table was kind of funny though, coming from Fitz) but anyway, she tells him that Simmons came from the other side aka the real world and is here to take them down and that everything she does is so that she and Fitz can be together. Still cringy but ok. I guess AIDA always had a soft spot for Fitz since he was the one that saved her in the real world and was the only one who showed sympathy towards her. All she ever wanted was to be human and have feelings and she was finally able to live that out in the Framework. Thus, she won’t let anyone destroy her perfect reality. She receives a text about a security breach and tells Fitz that they will finish this later. She leaves the room while Fitz looks distraught, almost as if he remembers Simmons.

Skye is in another interrogation room with Hope and Hope is worried about her dad and says that all of this is not his fault at all and that she Hope he’s okay. (hurhur sorry I couldn’t resist). Skye enters Mack’s interrogation room and he tells her that she knows who she is and I’m just like omg yessss until we realize that May told Mack to say that. Damn it Mack! We were all rooting for you but he did agree that he would do anything to save his daughter. Skye is shook and she leaves the interrogation room where May and the other Hydra agents starts chasing her.

Ward, Coulson and Simmons arrive at Ogygia to extract Radcliffe. Ward approaches a hobo looking Radcliffe playing cricket? and tells him to drop his weapon aka the cricket stick? lol hahaha ok.

“Drop it” - Ward

“Hive? No. It can’t be.” - Radcliffe

“Hello again, you traitor” - Simmons

“Surprise” - Coulson

while Radcliffe looks around at Ward, Simmons and Coulson surrounding him in utter disbelief. He tells them that they’re all not meant to be here and realizes that Ward is not Hive. This scene makes it for me where Simmons and Coulson finally get to face Radcliffe and chide him for getting all of them into this mess. Simmons demands that Radcliffe help them rescue everyone and get them out of here. To which he replies, “I’m afraid there’s no getting out of here”. Dun dun dun.

Back at the Triskelion where Skye is trying to escape, she enters a lift full of Hydra agents and manages to subdue them. She runs down the stairs but May has her surrounded. She drops her weapons as the agents kick her down while May watches with a smug look on her face. (Omg nooo may this isn’t supposed to happen).

At Ogygia, Radcliffe tells the others that he never intended for this to happen that the Framework was supposed to be a paradise where everyone lived happily after but it all went wrong. Ward has had enough of this and just wants to extract Radcliffe and go back to HQ but Radcliffe pleads with them to leave him alone when we see a female figure walking by. It’s Agnes as Simmons recognizes her. Radcliffe asks them to leave them out of this and Simmons asks Radcliffe for the way out. She tells him that their way out has been compromised and he realizes that Aida knows that they’re here. Soon after, a Quinjet arrives on the Island and Radcliffe asks them all to run and hide.

Wow. They’re seriously channeling some Darth Vader vibes here. Madame Hydra, Fitz and the legion of hydra agents arrive. They’re here to find the subversives aka Coulson and Simmons. She has a confrontation with Radcliffe. He tells her that this has gone way out of hand to which she responds that she has done what he’s asked of her. To take away their greatest regret and to protect the framework. What happened is not up to her. He responds that she has put herself into the Framework and has been manipulating it to get what she wants. To which she responds with “It’s okay to lie to save a life. You taught me that.”(Oh snappp, shots were fired) Radcliffe calls her Aida and says that her programming went wrong and she is triggered. She threatens Radcliffe not to call her that here. Fitz returns with a subversive, Agnes. Agnes asks Holden(Radcliffe) what is going on.

Mack hugs Hope in the hallway as they are reunited while a beaten up Skye passes by them.

“Hydra thanks you for your service” -May

“Hail Hydra” - Mack

Omg Mack how could you have done this to Skye?! Sigh.

Radcliffe tries to convince Fitz that he’s from the real world and that this is just an alternate reality that Aida created but Fitz doesn’t believe him and kills Agnes. Jemma screams “Noooooo” at Fitz tearfully as she couldn’t believe that he would kill Agnes in cold blood. Fitz looks at Jemma with a shocked face as the Hydra agents chase Simmons, Coulson and Ward. They run to the Quinjet in the nick of time and take off.

Back at base, Mace is furious. Ward had a shot on the doctor aka Fitz and could have killed him to save Agnes’s life but he didn’t fire because Simmons told Ward that she’s in love with Fitz (the psychopath in Mace’s words, hahaha) They demand asnwers from Simmons as to why she’s been acting this way. Simmons bursts out and says that none of this is real and they’re all not real.

The door opens and one of the S.H.I.E.L.D agents has found Mack around their HQ. Mack tells them what happened to Skye and Ward asks if she’s okay. Mack tells them that for the first time, he couldn’t look his little girl in the eye because he felt guilty for what he did to Skye and tells them that he’s here to help.

Whew omg yesss the team is finally back together. Minus evil fitz of course. The scene ends and we hear Aida/ Madame Hydra ‘s voice saying the classic “we’ll return in a moment” with the Hydra symbol in the background. Wow they’re really committing to this with the Hydra symbols everywhere and Madame Hydra doing the voiceover instead of Coulson with Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Back at Hydra headquarters,Radcliffe is being tortured while Skye is in another holding room listening. Fitz walks in and Skye tells him that they know each other from the other world. As the Hydra agents take her away, she tells him that he doesn’t want to do this to which he responds with. “Yes. yes I do. I guess you don’t know me at all.”

Thoughts on the episode

Damnnnnnn this episode was insaneeee. Iain de caestecker is so good at playing evil fitz tho. But poor Skye. I really hope the others manage to save her in the next episode. Really happy about all the skyeward scenes and Coulson learning how to be an agent again. Also good guy ward is absolutely perfect. Can we please upload him into an LMD and bring him back to the real world? Although, he most likely will die trying to save Skye and the others aka Poetic Justice. I guess Radcliffe kind of got what he had coming all along. A vengeful Aida for the way that he treated her in the real world, as a tool and a pawn in his game of war. He shoved her aside when he didn’t need her and then used her to get what he wanted. Aida got what she wanted, human feelings and Fitz to accompany her.

I’m really loving what they’ve done with making this world super Hydra-fied with the symbols, sculptures and voice overs. Even down to the smallest detail. Kudos to the crew.

The title “Identity and Change” is really at the heart of this episode. As we see Coulson struggling with his identity, how Ward has changed for the better in this world and also how Daisy and Simmons are dealing with their own identity and the changes in the Framework. Simmons also revealed to Mace and Ward that this world is fake and I’m wondering how they will handle that news. Fitz on the other hand, seems to be hard to get through to at the moment. Both Radcliffe and Daisy tried to get through to him but failed as he chose Aida (Madame Hydra) and being on the evil side over them. I must say that Aida is really clever though, to have found the loophole in Radcliffe’s plan and exploit it to her own advantage. She also leverages on using Fitz’s love for her to convince him to not trust Radcliffe and Skye. That might have worked but it seems that Fitz enjoys being evil or he’s really in denial and trying to push away Radcliffe, Skye and Simmons who might remind him of who he was in the real world.

I can’t wait for the next episode to come! I’m really loving this Framework Arc. I hope Skye gets rescued and we get to see more Skyeward scenes. And I can’t wait to see the gang back in action again. And maybe Mace using some of his Inhuman powers as the Patriot. I also hope that we get to see the rest of the Resistance. Maybe Bobbie and Hunter? heh

Whew that’s all for now. Till the next recap! :)

#agents of shield #agents #agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.#agents of hydra #madame hydra #fitzsimmons #skyeward

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creampuff-earper · 8 years ago

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Kate McKinnon Fanfiction. Foldingchairs and the city of dreams. Chapter 10

Hey guys, I’ve decided to post my fanfic about Kate McKinnon on here. You can find it on AO3 as well:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8275334/chapters/18957797

Summary: This fanfiction tells the story of a fan, just like any of us, meeting Kate and everything that happens after that.It takes off at SNL, later on Nino will be there and Kate is the most amazing person in the world. What could one want more?

Rated M

Chapter 10

I look at the text one more time, just waiting to be sent out to the person that had me in her grip ever since that phone call last week. I fiddle with my fingers and contemplate if it's the right thing to do. She’d hurt me so bad with something as simple as not texting back, if I let her back in that meant I was, once again, putting myself in a position where she could really hurt me. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to feel that vulnerable, and risk getting hurt by her again.

I look up from my phone and spot the enormous Ghostbusters poster on my bedroom wall. I let my eyes wander over the paper and finally, they land on the character that had started this all. Holtzmann changed my life ever since I saw her on the big screen. After falling head over heels for this goofy weirdo, it wasn't long until I found out about the even goofier weirdo who had portrayed her. I was crazy if I didn't think that me meeting Kate, and actually getting to know her as she is in real life, was a gift that I shouldn't take for granted. That weekend in New York had been one I had been dreaming about ever since I found out about Kate. But besides the amazing feeling of my dream of meeting her coming true, I had actually found someone who I could be myself with within a couple of moments, someone who had earned my trust ever since she admitted she had never done this before either, someone who had taken my breath away by just being herself.

Yeah... of course, it isn’t a question if I want to talk to Kate again, because I do, but it’s about daring to take a leap of faith and trusting her not to hurt me again. That’s what makes it so hard. I’ve already been hurt too many times in my life, I don’t really need any more pain or heartbreak. But she promised me. And I believe her.

Here goes to nothing....

20:12 M: Hey Kate, I am really sorry about drunk texting you last night... That wasn't supposed to happen... But I have thought about what you said on the phone and I really want to try again talking again... Not talking to you was very hard and I can't imagine my life rn without it... So that means I forgive you, but please, please promise me to never ditch me like that again...

I release a breath when the message is sent and shows to be delivered. I lock my phone and hook it up to the charger. Hopefully, in the morning, I’d wake up to a message that said something like ‘I’ve missed you too’ or ‘Thank you for forgiving me’ or maybe even ‘I’ll never hurt you again, now let’s get married and have 3 children’. Okay yeah, that’s probably never going to happen, but a girl can dream, right? Really, though, who am I kidding?

I fluff up my pillow and let my head sink into the soft fabric, closing my eyes and resting my still very hung over body. Just as I am about to drift off my phone buzzes and suddenly I’m upright again and reaching for my phone.

20:18 K: It's fine Mykah, I get it. You don't need to lie to me. I hope you and this girl are happy! You don't owe me anything. It was nice getting to know you. Bye.

My breathing starts to get uneven and I can practically feel my heart beating in my throat. What did she just say? Did she just say bye as in ‘We'll never talk again’ bye?! But I just told her I forgave her.... And how in the hell could she know about the girl...

And suddenly it hits me. Of course... How could I be that stupid? We’re Facebook friends. She saw the video of the karaoke bar when Alex tagged me in it... Fuckkkkkkk. I run my hands over my face and sigh. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen...

Something inside of me says I need to tell her it was nothing and that it didn't mean anything to me. But that’s a lie.. I loved spending the night with Alex and getting attention from someone who is actually interested in me. Just the thought of seeing her again is giving me goosebumps. That’s not really something I can just ignore..

Still, the thought of actually losing Kate forever makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't just say goodbye to her after that phone conversation we just had, a conversation that had felt so real and honest, yet unbelievable at the same time. How on earth was I going to fix this…

------- 3 months later -------

"Hey babe"

"Hmmmm"

"I'm going out with some friends tonight, is that alright?"

I look up and see my drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend changing into something that made my fingertips tingle.

"Again?" I ask, and as she catches my eyes I silently plead with her not to go and just stay in with me.

"Sorry babe, it's Tessa’s birthday and she decided last minute that we're going out, and she really expects me to come..." She says and continues getting ready.

"But we haven't seen each other all week and I thought I would have you for myself tonight... You know..." I plead and raise my eyebrows at the last part of the sentence.

She had been staying at her place all week because it was more convenient with her night shifts she took at the hospital. However, that also meant that when she worked I slept, and vice versa. I really, really hated the night shift weeks.

"I know babe, but I really can't bail on another party, Tessa and the others are counting on me to be there..."

I sigh as I feel myself giving up. There’s no way I was ever going to be able to convince her not to go to this party.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise!" She says and blows me a kiss from where she's standing in the bathroom, applying her make-up.

"You better... I'm about to blow over here..." I groan and get back to the book I was reading on my bed.

After a minute or two, my girlfriend emerges from the bathroom, almost causing me to choke on my own spit when I look at her. Ho-Ly shit.

She's wearing a tight, short dress that leaves nothing to the imagination. Her hair’s pinned up and the lipstick on her lips is a shade of red that makes my blood boil.

"You are not going out like that" I simply state and have to control the urge to rip that dress off her perfect body right then and there.

"Oh, aren't I?!" She grins as she slowly walks over to the bed.

"Nope... No way in hell..." I choke out and watch her intently gazing at me with a small smirk on her lips and a wicked shade in her eyes. She’s up to something...

"Says who?" She seductively responds, finally reaching the bed and motioning for me to sit on the edge.

I obey immediately, allowing her to step between my legs, her hands coming up to rest on my shoulders. This woman is going to be the death of me one day...

"That's what I thought..." She smirks and lets her hands roam down my neck.

I’m at a loss for words. All I can see and feel is her beautiful body so close to mine. We haven’t been intimate for over a week and my body is reacting to her in an almost primal way. I feel her slowly bend toward me and pull my head towards her simultaneously. Just when I think she’s going to kiss me she tilts my head to the side and ghosts her lips over my ear.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise..." I shiver as her hot breath hits my skin and groan as I finally comprehend what she just said.

"Nooo nooo, please. Please, I only need 20 minutes... Please, Alex, you can't do this to me, looking all hot and bothered and then leave me to let other people look at you, it's not fair..."

"Mykah, I can't, I'm sorry I really have to leave... And you know I'm yours, let them watch, you'll be the one I'm going home to in the end"

I put my hands on her hips and get up from the bed. "You better make it up to me so good that I won’t be able to walk straight for a week.” I groan into her ear and now it's her turn to shiver.

"Deal..."

"Deal... And now leave before my self-control falters and I'm gonna rip that dress of your body!" I say and give her a light peck on her cheek, making sure not to mess up her lipstick, being the considerate girlfriend I am.

"Thanks, babe, I'll try to be as silent as possible when I get home, kay? Have a good night!"

"You too! Have fun!" I say as she waves one last time at me and a second later I hear the front door close with a thump.

I sigh and slouch back onto the bed. Now what? It was 08:30 pm on a Saturday night and I had no plans. Usually, I didn't mind some alone time but ever since Alex and I started dating I really wanted to hang out with her all the time. I finally decide to text Alice, asking if she has any plans for tonight, and I get a simple reply that just said

Be there in 10 minutes’.

We spend the night watching TV-shows and drinking beer. By the time the credits of the 5th episode of How to get away with murder roll, we've finished 2 six-packs of beers and I'm starting to feel a bit light headed.

"Hey, Myk..." Alice starts and lingers when she spots Frank taking his shirt of very slowly.

"Yes, my dear hetero?" I ask and laugh at her as she continues to watch the show with a small smile on her face.

"Weird question, but have you maybe seen the news about Kate lately?" She finally says after the scene ends, and my fussy brain suddenly sobers up at the mention of her name. We haven’t really talked about her ever since Kate told me she didn’t want any contact anymore.

"Uhhh, no"

"Hmmmm" She hums and continues watching Frank making out with a way hotter Laurel.

"Why'd you ask?"

"Nah, nothing..." She mumbles and she takes another gulp of her beer.

"Alice, what the hell. Don't mention her and then say it's nothing..." I say, getting royally pissed off now. She knows how hard it’s been for me to accept that I fucked it up. Let alone try to forget about Kate when I started dating Alex 3 months ago. All in all, it hadn’t been easy.

"Alright alright, I'm sorry, I just happened to read it, and I thought maybe you had too..."

"Read what?!"

"That she's promoting her new movie and she's coming to Amsterdam next week..."

I don't know what happens exactly, but suddenly all of the color drains from my face, and my heart feels like it’s trying to beat out of my chest.

"Wh..., what" I stammer and Alice watches me with concern.

"Myk are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost...”

"Al... Are you... Are you serious?!"

"I read it on her own page... So I think it's pretty serious, yeah..." She carefully says and watches me absorb the information.

"Holy shit" I breathe out and fall back into the couch. The realization of her being in the same country as me hits me, hard. What does this mean... Am I going to see her, does she want to see me, am I even allowed see her? Do I actually want to see her?

What would happen if I do see her… I’m with Alex now. Shit. Alex. I never told her about the whole Kate thing...

In my train of thoughts, I don't even hear my phone vibrating on the table. It isn't until Alice holds it in front of my face that I realize Alex is calling me.

I quickly answer the call and hold it to my ear.

"Hey, babe" I say and hear thumping music and loud chatter in the background.

"Baabyyyy!!! Alex yells and I have to keep the phone away from my ear.

"Hey you, Alex is everything alright? Why are you calling?" I say, not able to hide the concern in my voice. She usually never calls me when she’s out.

"Yeah yeah, all's cool... I just wanted to tell you that I really wish you were here! It's soo fun! I wanna dance with you and make everyone jealous that you’re my girlfriend...." She stammers, struggling with some of the words in her drunken state.

"That's sweet of you.... Next time I'll come with okay?"

"Yeahhh!"

"Alright baby, have fun and look after yourself okay?"

"Okay, you too! Love you!"

I say nothing and end the call.

If I wasn't already on the verge of dying already, I definitely am now...

I let the phone drop from my hands and turn around into the couch and yell my lungs out. Doc comes running over and starts barking, making me realize just how hard I’m yelling.

"Myk stop! What is it? What happened?!" Alice yells and pulls me from the cushions, pulling on my arm to get me to look at her.

I look at her with a defeated look on my face. How on earth is this evening happening? This is too much to handle at once.

"Talk to me, please." Alice softly says, knowing how I shut down when things are just too much for me to handle.

I clench my jaw and hit my head, just talk you stupid ass...

"Alex just said, she told me- well....she said ‘love you’. "

"Oh..."

"Yeah"

"And you didn't say it back..."

"No"

"Hmmm........ I shouldn't have said she was coming huh..."

"I don't know..."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know... Dig a hole and never come out again? That seems most fitting in this situation."

"Yeah, that sounds about right..."

"AL!!!"

"Sorry, I'm trying to process this shit show the very best my compromised brain is capable of right now, give me a minute!"

"Maybe she just said it as a matter of saying... You know..."

"Uhu"

"And she's drunk..."

"She probably just blabbed it out without thinking about it... I tell you I love you all the time and I never mean it..."

"Sometimes I wish you weren't such an asshole who has to joke about literally everything..." I sigh and put my head in my hands.

"And sometimes I wish you'd never met Kate, but hey, we can't all get what we want, can we?" Alice spits out, and it almost sounds bitter.

I tilt my head to look at her and she looks annoyed.

"What did you say?" I spit back, for some reason getting mad at her for saying that.

"I'm just saying that if you hadn't met her, it just would have been easier..."

I sense she is going somewhere with this, but I dare her to actually say it out loud...

"How?"

"You know Myk, I think you know darn well that if Kate hadn't been in the picture, you wouldn't have freaked out about Alex saying those words just now because you would have said them right back. I know you... You don't do things halfway, but don't tell me you haven't doubted your relationship with Alex every time she gave you a reason to. You say you’ve let go of Kate, but deep down I know you are still hoping for a day where she is just going to show up and tell you she is sorry. And you know what the sad thing is, if she did, you'd take her back in a heartbeat... And for what? You saw her 1 day, 1 freaking day Mykah... You don't know her. You know someone on the other side of the world you happened to fall in bed with 8 months ago. That's not real... Alex is, and you are not being fair to her if you are going to keep this up...”

"Are you done?" I spit out after a second of silence from Al's side.

"Yeah.."

"Great, get out...." I state and point at the door.

"Mykah, what?"

"I said get out"

"Don't be ridiculous"

"Get the fuck out of my house Alice, now!" I'm practically breathing fire right now and the longer Alice stays in my sight the angrier I get. There is a second of shock on Al's face before it's replaced with a hatred. She shakes her head and gets up from the couch.

"You know what Mykah, fuck you. I'm always here for you and now you pull this... Fuck you and your problems, I'm done." She yells back and grabs her stuff and slams the door behind her.

The silence that overtakes my home if deafening.

I fall back into the couch and take a deep breath.

I fucked it all up....

------------------------------

When Alex returns in the dead of night and slips in the bed beside me, I pretend to be asleep. She softly kisses me on my cheek and slides her cold front against my warm back. "Goodnight Mykah" she whispers and within a couple of minutes I hear her doze off.

I feel sick to my stomach because of the guilt. Alice was right. After a couple of hours of cooling off after throwing Alice out, I had started to put what she said into perspective. I had convinced myself that I was over Kate, that I was really committed to this relationship with Alex.

I adored this girl and the physical attraction was through the roof with her. But thinking back now, that’s probably also what our relationship is built on.

After that night at the bar we got together for a couple of dates and at some point, we only needed to lock eyes to know we had to find a place where we could ravish each other.

It was exciting and thrilling to want somebody that much for the both of us, and because it was happening so often anyways we just decided being in a relationship was the logical thing to do.

Ever since that decision was made I felt that at some moments we weren't quite on the same page, but I had always thought that was just something that needed time to grow, especially after everything with Julie. A small tear escaped from the corner of my eye. If only she was still here... Things would have been so much easier. Kate would have stayed someone I could obsess over from across the ocean, and Alex and I had probably never met.

But she's not here. And that hurt like shit. She’s probably raging with anger up there because of how I’m behaving towards Alice. She has every right to. I shouldn't have snapped at Alice like that. But she made me realize the truth, something that been hard after months pretending everything was fine with Alex, and that I didn't miss Kate or wonder what was going on in her life. First thing this morning I was going to make it up to her. I couldn't figure this one out by myself, I needed her to do this with me, or I was going to lose my mind.

----------Tuesday evening--------------

So far Alice had slammed the door in my face 4 times, ignored all my calls and texts and made Josh come over to tell me she didn't want to hear anything from me. This was going to be harder than I had anticipated....

There’s also the fact that I’ve basically been ignoring Alex ever since she said those words, telling her that I was stressed out by work and didn’t have time to see her. Also, there was a constant nagging in the back of my head telling me I had to go to Amsterdam this weekend. So... I was definitely having a really awesome week so far...

I had told Alex not to come over tonight, but when she insisted, because she really wanted to watch MasterChef together, I eventually gave in. I didn't have the energy to keep fighting her on the matter and when she arrived that evening all cuddly and bubbly I had to try my best not to snap at her after only 10 minutes into the show.

She had done nothing wrong, so it wasn't fair. I just kept my mouth shut, watched the show and told her I was going to bed right after. Hoping she took it as a hint I wanted to sleep alone tonight, I pecked her lips and asked her if she would lock the door on her way out.

"But I was thinking of staying over tonight actually..."

I stop on my way to the bedroom and close my eyes; I had been dreading this moment ever since she convinced me to watch the show together. I swallow my chagrin about the matter and turn around to smile at her.

"Okay fine, but I'm going to sleep Al, I need to be up at 6 am tomorrow."

I see her face fall, but soon enough she is by my side grabbing my hand and walking with me to the bathroom. We brush our teeth in silence and I feel Alex glancing over at me every 5 seconds or so. When we finish she grabs my hand as I try to walk towards the bed and spins me around.

"Hey, I know work has you stressed, but you sure that's all? You've been really... I don't know... Ever since Saturday night you've been behaving weird..."

I look into her beautiful green eyes and see the pain flashing in them for a second.

"I'm sorry, Al. It's just I had this fight with Alice and she's not talking to me and it's just hard."

"Yeah, I know... I'm sorry about that..." She says softly and rubs my hand with her thumb.

I turn around again to continue my path towards the bed but when she speaks up again I stop and my heart breaks almost breaks.

"I know what I said that night on the phone Myk... Is that the reason you've been acting like this?"

I shrug my shoulders and sit down on the bed. With every second I feel myself closing up and if Alex isn't going to put a stop to it soon I wasn't going to be able to say anything at all.

I see Alex watching me with a hurt look in her eyes. "I knew it..." She walks over to take a seat next to me.

I close my eyes, finding it too hard to watch her being hurt by something I did.

"You didn't say it back..."

I slightly shake my head and clench my jaw, please don't ask, please don’t ask.

"Are you..."

No please Alex don’t, I plead with her in my head, but I know it's too late.

"Are you ever going to say it back?"

The silence that falls over us has so much tension it's almost suffocating.

"Please Mykah...."

I look up to her and see the tears form in her eyes and my heart breaks for the second time that night. I bring my hand up to wipe them away as they fall down her cheeks.

"I... I don't know...." I finally croak out.

"Why... what is it that makes you unsure?" She sobs, with wet cheeks and a runny nose.

"Please Al, it's not you okay? Please don't ever think that. You are an amazing woman and I do love you, just not in the way you want me to say it.... not yet"

I plead with her and rub her back, trying to soothe the sadness I caused.

"Is it because of Julie?"

"I don't... No... No this is not about Julie... I know for sure she would have approved of you. So no."

"Then what Mykah? Because I don't get it! The last 3 months have been amazing and now it feels like it has all gone to shit."

I look at the floor of my bedroom and try to figure out if telling Alex about Kate would be for the best, or if it would just make things worse... She deserves an answer, but I don't know if I have one.

"Tell me, please Mykah... Please..." She begs me and I take a deep breath.

“Okay, so uh… I went to New York in November. I went there by myself, to see SNL..."

"Huh, what?"

"Saturday Night Live, it's a comedy sketch show that airs every Saturday where comedians play out sketches about things that happened that week, like politics or just plain scenes that they've come up with. And they tape it live at the NBC studios in New York."

"Okay..." Alex breathes and is now facing me sideways on the bed. I keep my eyes focused on the floor, hoping to find some wisdom there about how on earth I was going to explain this to her.

"And I went there because I am a fan of one of the comedians who is part of the cast." I say and briefly glance at Alex who nods her head to make me continue.

"She's the same as the girl from Ghostbusters, the one where I have all the shirts of..."

"Holtzmann?"

"Yeah.... She's played by Kate McKinnon. So I went to New York to see her... And because of something that happened, I actually got to meet her after the show and we chatted for a bit and it was really amazing." I say and I try not to smile too much as I say it, my mind immediately going back to that night and replaying the moment I met Kate for about the millionth time.

"That's really nice Myk, but what does that have to do with us?" Alex asks and there's no turning back now. She should know.

"She contacted me after that night. She found me on Facebook and we texted for a bit, and then we went out to dinner, and from one thing came another and... I... I spent the night at her place..."

"Oh... But... It was one night, right? That doesn't mean anything..."

"It was a night, and a morning and when I got back we texted almost every possible hour of the day... And uhm... I know it's stupid and weird but I kinda... I fell for her that night and I have been falling for her ever since..."

I catch Alex closing her eyes and sigh in defeat in the corner of my eye and I know it's done...

"We haven't been texting anymore, not in the time that I have known you that is... Just so you know..."

She softly shakes her head and there's disbelieve in her eyes. Those beautiful green eyes that I wouldn't get tired of watching all day.

"So you’re telling me you can't do this because you are in love with someone you've seen 1 weekend? You do get that she's a celebrity and can take anyone home for that matter?"

"It was not like that Alex... At least, not for me."

She shakes her head and scoffs at me. "Mykah, I get that you are passionate about your TV shows and their actors but this is just ridiculous! Why are you holding on to something that never existed? And fucking up your real life because of it? I really don't believe you..."

I know I am not the victim in this situation but Alex's words hit me like a punch in the gut.

"I get that you don't get it..."

"So now what? You aren't even talking anymore, so what do you expect will happen. Because I’m not going to wait around for you to realize that I was right..."

The anger inside is starting to bubble up again and I clench my fists into the sheets from snapping once again. She didn't deserve that.

“I don't know what I want to happen Al. But I do know that I don't want to lose you.... and...."

"Yeah?"

"And that Kate is coming to Amsterdam this weekend..."

"What?!"

"She's promoting her new movie and Amsterdam is listed as a junket location."

Alice gets up from the bed and wipes her cheeks one last time before crossing her arms in front of her chest and looking at me.

"If you want to give us a chance Mykah, you don't go to Amsterdam this weekend.

If you do, you've made your decision and I'll pack my stuff and you will never see me again... I am not going to wait around until you get your head on straight and realize she’s a big mistake."

My eyes plead with her, silently asking her to please not force me to make this decision. It’s useless. She’s put her guard up and all I see are two cold green orbs boring right through me.

"Let me know" She bites back, and then rushes out of the room, slamming the front door behind her the same way Alice did last weekend.

I fall back onto the bed and sigh deeply. I’ve managed to make the two people who mean the most to me walk away from me in the timespan of 4 days.

And all that because someone on the other side of the world made me go crazy for her. This isn’t healthy, I can’t let my real life get influenced by something that was only real for one night and a morning.

I have to put a stop to this.

#Kate McKinnon #Fanfiction #AO3 #Archive of our own #Kate #McKinnon #Holtzmann #Jillian Holtzmann #Ghostbusters #SNL #Saturday Night LIve #folding chairs and the city of dreams #Chapter 10

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