#brain and heart can decide between extreme platonic feelings and romanticism again
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#vent#brain and heart can decide between extreme platonic feelings and romanticism again#ffs#it just#i know the differnce. and the fact that i feel romantic feelings at all towards someone means that i do indeed love them in that way too#like#thats only happened... three times before? two i never said anything about and one i had a great partner and i knew i loved them.#the hurt and depression that came from breaking up with them helped me realize that#but like#sometimes i just have to curse my aromanticism and asexuality#cause sometimes those romantic feelings get turned off for a bit and while i know theyre still there- and that i still definitly have them#its... annoying. and frustrating. like- i just want the person i like to know i truly do love them#but how the fuck do you do that when your mind automatically starts acting like theyre just your good friend that you wanna kiss#just#bahhhhh...#and im still. constantly worried about relationships haha... gotta love that barely there self confidence and extreme self awareness#that was the same reason i didnt say anything those two times before. cause like- i just want them to be happy as they could possibly be#but my brain always told me that i definitly wouldnt give them any of that happiness. that i would just be hinderence to it or something#and it sucks. it fucking sucked to watch them be so happy with their partners because it was like i was told my worries and fears were right#but at the same time it made me a little happy cause i knew they had someone who *was* making them happy. but it hurt.#i just. i love- a lot. but i know what having a romantic love for someone feels like and it both terrifies me and makes me happy#having a often changing heart and mind sucks. having a intricate and internal fear of relationships at all sucks. and im so self aware of it#blaaaaaaaaaah... its like 2 am for me and i just wanna snuggle and cry#maybe ill eat something and then try to sleep for a couple more hours. that might help#yeah i think ill do that.. sleep away the pain and all that
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