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hockeyboysiguess · 4 years ago

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Lines and Sunshine

a/n: this is based on a tiktok i saw and it immediately gave me matty vibes! also shoutout to @nolypats for getting me through this one when i had one scene and nothing else in mind to write.

warnings: swearing

word count: 4K

You sighed as you let yourself fall down onto the couch. Your drink sloshed a little in your cup, splashing onto the back of your hand with a few drops landing on the arm of the curly-haired boy next to you. Matthew groaned and shook his arm with a disgusted look on his face.

“You’re the worst,” he lamented. “How dare you?”

“I dared. I did. I delivered,” you countered smoothly. “Nice to know your carefully curated appearance of four t-shirts, three pairs of gym shorts, and a cut-off sleeve Nike jacket will fall apart if two drops of beer fall on your bare arm that you can easily wipe off.”

“I carefully picked this particular shirt and shorts combination today and did not plan for wet spots on my arm and an overwhelming odor of beer to be part of the ensemble. You’re ruining me here, honey,” Matthew joked back, a mischievous smile playing on his lips as he spoke to you.

You rolled your eyes at him and took a sip of your drink with a smile against the edge of the cup. Matthew gave you a soft nudge with his shoulder in response to your eye roll, which you shook off. The couch next to you shifted suddenly, causing you to break eye contact as the movement rocked you away from Matthew. You turned your head to find that Brady’s sudden weight as he plopped next to you on the couch was the culprit for tipping you almost sideways on the couch.

“Hey, Brads,” you said with a bright smile to him, giving his cup a tap with yours as a greeting.

“Hey, hey,” he replied. “Enjoying the party?”

Matthew and Brady were throwing this joint party together before they left St. Louis to return to Calgary and Ottawa respectively for training camp next week. You’d tried to argue they should call the party “Yoo-hoo, Big Summer Blowout” like from Frozen, yours and Brady’s favorite, and Matthew’s absolute least favorite, Disney princess movie. Matthew had axed the suggestion, something you’d tried incredibly hard to get him to budge on. You’d almost succeeded too when you brought out your best puppy dog eyes, but Matthew had found some extra resolve from somewhere inside and pushed you off, insisting the party remain nameless, which was cooler apparently. You thought it was bull and told him so.

“You’re thinking that I should’ve let you name this after Frozen, aren't you?” Matthew called you out instead of letting you answer Brady’s question. “You’re fucking ridiculous.”

“And you love me for it,” you finished for him with a sharp nod of your head, your ponytail swinging with your sudden movement.

Matthew shook his head, but didn’t disagree, as he turned his attention toward the party. You sighed and let you head fall onto Matthew’s shoulder. He didn’t look at you, but he shifted and threw an arm over the back of the couch behind you to make himself into a more comfortable head rest for you. You sighed in appreciation.

“You haven’t had enough alcohol to get over the hump,” Matthew informed you. “You’re in your ‘I’ve had two drinks and now I’m a sleepy ho’ zone.”

“You don’t have to call me out like that,” you mumbled to him, making him chuckle and give you a small squeeze around your shoulders in reply.

“It’s my job as your friend to call you out on your bullshit,” he laughed as he spoke. “If I stopped, you’d need to demote me to friendly acquaintance and we all know it’s a slippery slope from there to casual acquaintance to that guy you know that plays hockey right into that guy you used to know that plays hockey. I don’t like that career path for myself, personally, so I’m going to keep doing what I was hired to do and call you out on your shit.”

You’d met Matthew and Brady a few years ago at house party of a mutual friend’s not entirely unlike this one, sending the boys off before their hockey season kicked into full gear back then. You’d met Brady first and hit it off instantly, finding kinship in being taller than your older siblings after the constant verbal and physical abuse you suffered at their hands growing up. He’d still introduced you to Matthew that night though, something he swore to this day was his biggest mistake because Matthew had immediately stolen you right from Brady and declared you were his friend first, before Brady’s. You’d tried to fight, but Matthew was persistent and you had the same sense of humor as him.

Plus, the dimples, the curls, and the coy smile drew you in. You remembered thinking he was cute when you first met him, but also that nothing could ever come of it, so you had forced yourself past that initial feeling and had been his friend ever since with no regrets. Despite the distance, you two had remained close since that day. The two of you made a pretty formidable team when you were on the same wavelength about something. You were pretty sure it might be better for everyone in your potentially shared warpaths that you weren’t around each other as much as you would be if you lived in the same city.

As the night dragged on, the party shrank in size, but the group of people relaxing in the couch area on the patio grew with Matthew and Brady’s closest friends. You’d been up and down a few times to fill your drink, but Matthew always saved you the seat right next to him. He never forgot about you, not even for a second, something you always appreciated.

You felt your phone buzz in your back pocket. You sighed as you lifted your hips and grab it from your back pocket and sighed again when you saw who texted. Aaron. You read the text quickly. He was asking you if you wanted to come over after you were done with the party. Aaron was... fine. That was the best word you had for Aaron. He was nice, polite, decent in bed, and completely unextraordinary in every single way possible. You weren’t seeing anyone else and neither was he, but he wasn’t your boyfriend. Neither one of you really wanted that. Aaron was fine for now, hence why he’d stuck around for six months. He hadn’t done anything to earn you wanting to promote him from casual fling and hadn’t done anything to make you want to get rid of him either. He met your few needs, you met his, and that’s all that mattered to either of you.

“Oh, is that Aaron?”

Matthew’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts and back into the moment. You shrugged instead of actually answered. You didn’t really want to get into what he thought of Aaron right now. He’d told you that he thought Aaron was basically the human equivalent of beige wallpaper and he couldn’t understand why you talked to him the first and only time you’d let them interact. You’d kept them apart ever since.

“So it was Aaron.” Matthew answered his own question in a curious tone. “Thinking of ditching me and Brads here for him?”

“I’m not going anywhere unless you keep making comments like that,” you sang softly with a layer of caution for Matthew coating your voice as you brought your cup to your lips for another sip.

Matthew chuffed a little under your admonishment of him, but he pressed on.

“Okay, so how long have you been talking to this guy again?”

Matthew leaned forward as he asked you the question, his hands lacing together as he braced his weight onto his forearms pressed against his thighs. He raised an eyebrow at you as he waited for you to answer.

“Six months,” you replied, taking a sip of your drink to cover a sly smile that tried to rise as you continued by asking, “why?”

Matthew skipped over your question with a wave of a hand as he shifted back onto the couch, his large frame pressing into the cushions of the back of the couch. He nodded softly, one of his hands moving to his chin, scratching at the stubble there as he thought.

“And you’re not talking to anyone else?” he asked you, his pitch raising higher than normal at the end of his question.

“No,” you said firmly, pressing the red cup between your palms as you watched Matthew react to your answer.

“And he’s not talking to anyone else?” Matthew followed up after a moment of thought.

“Uh, no,” you laughed with a soft shake of your head, thinking that one-sided exclusivity didn’t do anyone any good. Kind of ruined the whole exclusivity concept if only half of the team was playing the same game.

Matthew nodded in fake understanding. You knew him well enough to know he was playing some long game you didn’t know anything about. He carded a hand through his curls, shaking them out a little with a sigh.

“So he’s your boyfriend then, right? He has to be by now and you just forgot to tell me,” Matthew continued.

You shook your head softly, “No, he’s not.”

Matthew groaned and let his head fall back, hovering over the back edge of the couch. He drummed his fingers on the exposed skin of this thigh just south of the edge of his shorts. He nodded softly and tightened his lips before lifting his head. You could’ve sworn you heard him whisper a soft, “Fuck it,” to himself, but you weren’t sure if you’d heard it or imagined it. Matthew sighed as he sat up, the words starting to flow out of his mouth as he turned towards you and locked his baby blue eyes with yours.

“So like, I’m confused here. Six months being exclusive with this dude and he’s not your boyfriend. Is he confused? Like, does he want you or not? Because he’s holding up the fucking line here!”

You opened your mouth to respond, but no words came as Matthew’s blue eyes looked deep into yours, deep into you, and as your friends circled around you started hollering and clapping. Brady next to you was particularly loud, but it was all relative. Everything else was muffled compared to how loud the silence between you and Matthew was in that moment. His eyes were tracking across your face, from the wideness of your eyes, to the wrinkles in your forehead from your surprised expression, to the tight, firm line of your lips you’d closed as you tried to figure out what to do, what to say. Matthew telling you he had been waiting the whole time you’d been seeing Aaron at the very least had beyond blindsided you.

Matthew closed his eyes softly and began to nod in understanding, curls bouncing with the movement. His tongue poked out between his teeth as a sad, forced smile pulled at his mouth. He sighed as his smile widened, but it wasn’t the smile you’d grown to know from him. It was something entirely new. He stood up without another word and headed into the house. You let out a deep breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding when the patio door shut behind him.

“He’s planned how he wanted to tell you like, six-hundred ways, but that was definitely not one of them,” Brady laughed next to you. You turned your head toward Brady, your surprised look somehow impossibly intensifying, making Brady laugh harder. “Oh yeah, he’s liked you for years now. You’ve just never lined up. You had that boyfriend, then he was sort of seeing that girl, now there’s Aaron, who is super boring by the way. He’s been trying, but the timing has never worked out for him. Got to give the guy some credit for finally growing a pair and telling you though, even if that wasn’t exactly pretty.”

“How long?” you asked, choking on the word.

You cleared your throat and repeated the question again. Brady shrugged in response.

“I don’t know, probably since that first party honestly. He made me introduce you to him when he saw us talking. Guess he thought you were cute.”

Brady said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, like he was simply ordering orange juice with brunch at a diner on Sunday morning. For you, it made your world tilt violently on its axis. Matthew was always never an option. He was so not an option you had all but deleted every memory of every thought of finding him attractive. Apparently, completely unknown to you, he’d been an option the entire time.

You stood up quickly from the couch, your fingers already pulling up Aaron’s contact information even though you didn’t have a plan on what to say to him. You knew you needed to see the sun in your life again and you knew Aaron wasn’t it. Aaron wasn’t the sun; he was a gray cloud. He was kind enough and unproblematic enough to never rain on your life. He protected you from some UV exposure, meaning bad one night stands and societally named walks of shame, but he was keeping you cool and complacent with you life. You never felt warmth on your skin from him. There was no heat, no love, no passion. A cloudy day was fine for a while. Aaron was fine for a while. You wanted the sun and you knew who it was.

Your mom had said it the first time you’d invited Matthew over to watch a movie with you a couple of week after that party where you met. While he could be your resident pain in the ass, he charmed your mother instantly, a fact he rubbed in every now an again because your mom, like everyone, was fine, but not thrilled, with Aaron’s existence.

“That boy is like sunshine, I swear,” she told you. “You light up when he walks in the room.”

Matthew was the sun. You wanted, needed, to feel the sun on your skin. You’d been standing near it for so long. You needed to know what it felt like to actually stand in the light.

You walked into the house, turning the opposite direction of where you’d seen Matthew turn when he walked in. You shut the door of the front office behind you to try to give you some privacy for this. You were completely unprepared and there was a serious risk you might try and compare Aaron to a raincloud at this point if you talked to him, but there wasn’t ever going to be a better time for this. Aaron answered on the third ring, like clockwork, like he knew you too well in the worst, most superficial ways.

“Hey,” he spoke softly and steadily, as always. “Is something wrong? Need me to come pick you up?”

“Uh, no, I’m good,” you mumbled out before hastily adding a quick, “thanks.”

You cleared your throat before you tried to continue.

“Hey, Aaron.” You cleared your throat again, trying in vain to bring the pitch of your voice down. “This might be out of left field here, but what are we doing here?”

“What do you mean?” he replied after a slightly too long pause. “Are you not okay with this anymore?”

You sighed and tucked some errant strands of hair that had escaped your ponytail behind your ear as you tried to collect your thoughts.

“That’s the thing Aaron,” you breathed out. “I’m tired of things being okay. This has always just been okay and you know it. This has never been a heart-stopping, Earth-shattering, scream-how-you-feel-in-front-of-a-room-full-of-people kind of thing. And I want that, Aaron. I want passion and I want things this doesn’t have, has never had, and won’t have because that’s not us. This is just, it’s fine, Aaron. But I’m sick of fine.”

You heard Aaron breathe out harshly, not unlike how you had before you’d let all of those feelings come out. You hadn’t realized exactly where you’d been going when you opened your mouth, but you knew you’d arrived at the right thing by the end.

“Honestly, so am I.”

You almost dropped the phone at his words. You had been expecting every reaction ranging from tears to screaming to silence. Agreement wasn’t a response you’d planned for. You’d thrown it out instantly, like you do with Jokers when you open a new deck of cards because they can’t possibly be in play. There aren’t any games that actually utilize them. There wasn’t a scenario you were prepared for where Aaron agreed with you.

“What?” you managed to get out. “You agree with me?”

Aaron laughed softly before saying, “Honestly, yeah. I hope you don’t think I’m being rude when I say this. You’re a great person, but this was just something casual for both of us and I think it’s just gone on longer than we planned since we both got into it thinking it would go bad before we were two months in. It never went bad, so we kept doing it. You and I are kind of alike in that way. Unless something makes us go off the rails, as long as the train has three out of five stars, we’ll stay on it forever basically.”

“That’s not rude. It’s exactly how I feel,” you told him, making him laugh again. You scrunched your nose up before adding, “Sorry, that probably sounded a little too relieved, huh?”

“No, no,” Aaron chuckled. “It’s real and fine and I feel it too.”

You sighed and leaned back against the nearby desk, trying to will your nervous heartbeat to slow down for a second. You nodded softly, trying to come up with words to say.

“What are you still doing on the phone? Go get him. Go get your real guy.”

You paused. You weren’t sure if you’d heard Aaron right. You racked your brain, trying to remember if you’d let anything slip out that could have pointed you ending things toward Matthew. Aaron might have not been your guy, but he was still a good guy and deserved better than thinking you’d dumped him for someone else.

“Matthew,” Aaron added before you could speak. “He finally plucked up the courage and said something, huh? About fucking time, Chucky.”

“You knew?” you asked breathlessly. “Did everyone know but me?”

“Uh, yeah, pretty much,” Aaron informed you, laughter edging at his voice again. “So, go get him. Hang up already! No hard feelings. I’ll see you around, okay?”

Aaron hung up for you. You slowly slid your phone into your back pocket, trying to collect your thoughts. Was what you were doing sort of sudden and crazy? Probably. It didn’t feel that way though. It felt like this was exactly what you should be doing.

Your feet carried you toward the kitchen where you assumed Matthew still was, most likely freaking out about ruining your friendship. You found him with his head hung low, one of his hands supporting him by gripping the edge of the counter behind him and the other feverishly raking through his curls. He was mumbling to himself, trying to gather his thoughts like you just had been.

“You want to finish having this conversation with yourself or can I interrupt?”

Matthew’s head snapped up and over toward you. His eyes soften when they connected with yours, before that same sad smile from outside came back onto his face. You knew what it was now, the unidentifiable emotion on his face. Pain. Looking at you, looking at what he thought was your rejection hurt him. He was trying to deal with it as best he could, but he was barely holding himself together.

“Well, you’ve already interrupted, so I feel like the least you could do is come into the kitchen,” Matthew replied, waving you in with his free hand.

“Matthew-”

“No, let me,” he cut you off as you started stepping toward him. “I’m sorry. I totally threw that at you in front of everyone. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t cool. And you have Aaron, I guess, so you’re not even really single, so it was really stupid to say. I’m really sorry and I hope-”

“Matthew Tkachuk, shut up for once in your life,” you said exasperatedly as you reached him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but then your hands grabbed his and he couldn’t focus on anything other than how it felt. His eyes were locked on your hands as you let your fingers intertwine with his.

“I ended it,” you told him.

“You what?” Matthew choked out as his eyes snapped up to yours. “With Aaron? Just now?”

“Yeah,” you laughed a little. “He actually took it really well. Turns out he’d been feeling a little stuck too, I guess.”

“Mm, solid,” was all Matthew had to say in reply as his attention turned back to your hands wrapped around his larger one. He wouldn’t let himself get his hopes up about what they meant for him right now. Just because you were getting rid of Aaron, didn’t mean that was permanent or that you were picking him instead.

He started to gently squeeze your hand with his, letting his large hand dwarf both of yours and he softly moved his thumb in smooth circle over the back of your hand. The small act, the smallest of possible movements, still was far more intimate than anything you’d felt in six months with Aaron. This was what it was supposed to feel like.

“There’s no line, Matthew.” You spoke softly and steadily, willing your words to wrap around him and take away any temporary pain your hesitation caused him. “There’s only you. You’re the one I want.”

Matthew didn’t need to double check. He knew you were sure from your tone. In the blink of an eye, his hands were on your waist, hoisting you up onto the kitchen counter as his lips crashed to yours for the first time. One of your hands tangled itself into his curls and the other rested on his broad chest, anchoring you to him.

He felt like sunshine on the first warm spring day of the year. Your skin soaked up that first light willingly, relishing in what it had missed as his warmth thawed the permafrost from your bones.

“Jesus,” you breathed out when he finally pulled back. “You’ve know how to kiss like that the whole time and you didn’t just try and do that to get my attention? Damn, Tkachuk.”

Matthew blushed softly, a new reaction to your words you immediately threw into your favorite column of reactions to pull out of him, noting you needed to make it happen more often. He smiled softly at first, but as he looked at you, his smile wouldn’t stop growing until it was spread wide across his face.

“I’ll make a note of it.” He paused to slide his hands under your thighs and lift you off the counter in one smooth motion. He guided your legs around his waist as your hands braced the back of his neck for support. “You know, for the next time I try to confess my feelings for a girl in front of all of my friends .”

“Mm, hope you don’t have any plans to try and use that advice anytime soon,” you teased him back as he carried you out of the kitchen and towards his room.

“Honestly, I already threw that note away. What did it say again?” he asked you jokingly, giving you a quick peck on the lips as he walked.

“It was just a little notice letting you know I’ve moved you to boyfriend status,” you replied with a shrug, but your smile betrayed you.

“Before I even show you all the tricks up my sleeve? Damn, mind if I show you anyway? I’ve got some pretty good ones that just might blow your mind.”

Matthew threw you a quick wink as he pushed his bedroom door open with his back just to make sure you knew exactly what he was referring to, leaving nothing open to misinterpretation.

“Oh really now? Try me, sunshine. I’ve got all night.”

#Matthew Tkachuk #matthew tkachuk imagine #matthew tkachuk fanfic #nhl fanfic #nhl fanfiction #nhl fic #nhl blurbs #nhl imagine #Hockey Fanfiction #hockey writing #hockey imagine

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contrabandhothead · 4 years ago

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Could I have a gen kill ship pls?! 💜 I'm 5'2", brown eyes and my hair is constantly changing style and colour. I have a growing collection of flower tattoos. I listen to A LOT of music and I love to read, write and play the guitar. I'm sarcastic, hyper-active, and an introverted extrovert. I'm super weird. Humour is my go-to out of awkward situations 🤣 I have a lot of friends but only a few close friends (if you become a close friend you're stuck with me for life, sorry bitch!).

A/N: i’m so goddamn sorry this took so long, i got really behind on requests and i should have done this sooner. thank you so much for your patience, i hope you enjoy your ship! i want you to think it’s at least decent, i don’t think anything i write would be worth the wait you had to go through tho so i’m sorry

- RAY PERSON -

- [ general ]

i..... i don’t know why but i feel like you saw this one coming

IT’S A GOOD SHIP OKAY ANYWAYS SAIL ONWARDS

the first thing that is necessary to cover: he fucking l o v e s how much taller he is than you i’m so sorry

he calls you so many short people nicknames like tiny temper, short stack, munchkin, smalls, oompa loompa, ankle-biter, short stuff, shrimp, dwarf, little gremlin, hobbit, etc.

in reality, he’s only 7 inches taller than you, but he prides himself on it

Ray puts his chin on top of your head when he hugs you from behind

i’m not joking when i say that he will literally dye and cut your hair for you in your shared bathroom while you sit on the toilet sea and scroll through your phone

he actually would do a pretty good job, believe it or not

this is random but he really loves scalp massages and holding your hand

he’s just constantly reaching for it, and he loves to show you off too

Ray’s always like “yeah homes, you fucking wish your partner was as cool as mine”

Ray traces your tattoos before he falls asleep every night, he really adores them

he also traces them when he gets nervous, or if he’s just bored in general

wants to go to every tattoo appointment whenever you get a new one just so he can hold your hand

Ray loves to share headphones, especially when you guys are taking walks around the neighborhood

he lets you pick the music because he doesn’t want you to complain but he’s bitter about it

good luck getting any reading done with Ray around, this man demands your attention 24/7

he will snatch the book and run away with it just to get your attention, and for you to chase him around the house

he teases you for having shorter legs after he gives it back

Ray wants to read all of your writing, and he begs for you to let him

however, if you say no, he respects that

if you say yes, he sits there with his little cup of coffee while reading your writing all morning

Ray loves playing guitar duets with you, he’s so excited you share a similar passion

will actually sing songs to you (accompanied by his guitar playing of course)

you both have really similar personalities and senses of humor, so sometimes conversations just turn into wholeass sarcasm battles

may occasionally offend you with his jokes, and is s o apologetic once he realizes what he’s done

he won’t stop sucking up to you, he’s really putting aside his pride to do it too

loves how loyal you are to your small group of friends, and probably easily charms them with his odd sense of humor and quick one-liners

- [ how you two met ]

you and Ray met because of recon, as you were a part of Brad’s team

for a while before the invasion, being in the humvee was like going on a long road trip with 3 bickering siblings packed into one car

you and Ray would always try to outdo one another, whether it came to jokes or your jobs, it didn’t matter

the banter was constant, but the bickering honestly had a tone of underlying romantic feelings

it was no secret Ray had a massive crush on you, but he didn’t know how to even bring it up in the first place, much less admit to himself that he had feelings for you at all

to be fair, you weren’t supposed to like each other in the first place

you had mixed feelings on Ray when you first showed up, but you’d admit that he was beginning to grow on you

although you bickered often, you had a begrudging respect for one another

you thought he had a great sense of humor, and you admired his loyalty to his friends, as well as his ability to cheer them up

and Ray.... well, Ray just thought you were the most beautiful creature to walk this planet to put it lightly

throughout OIF, you grew closer, always sharing MREs and watching each other’s six

but you were starting to become increasingly concerned for Ray’s wellbeing

he was under a lot of pressure, and going through ripped fuel withdrawal wasn’t helping his shrinking fuse

it was becoming difficult to approach him, you never knew when he was going to explode

you missed the Ray that told you jokes and wasn’t so quiet, you always hated when he was too silent

everything all came crashing down when Ray went after Rudy, you didn’t think you’ve ever seen him so humiliated

thinking that you were the only one that could possibly get through to him, you did what Brad wouldn’t do; you followed him

Ray was wiping his eyes aggressively, sniffling as he stormed off

“Ray,” you called out “please just come back here for a moment”

“fuck off”

you sighed, continuing to follow him

“Ray, i’m serious. Rudy feels bad, you can both fix this-”

“i’m not going to go apologize to Zoolander when I was just beaten to a fucking pulp in front of the girl i’ve been in love with since Pendleton, so i would really appreciate it if you could just fuck off for two minutes and let me bask in my own humiliation. thank you.”

you yanked him by the arm, forcing him to turn back and look at you

“Ray, quit being a stubborn ass and apologize to Rudy before i kick your ass myself. we can talk about us when we get back to the states. don’t go running off with some stripper because i want a relationship already.”

grinning, Ray moved closer to your face

“really? you love me?”

“ever minute you waste not apologizing to Rudy is another minute of you not getting a kiss.”

“you know you love me.”

#ray person #generation kill #generation kill ships

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behardonyourself · 5 years ago

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I AM AN IRONMAN...

I don’t even know how long I have been waiting to write this post. I think I launched my website in March or so, and I remember thinking how cool it will be if I get to write this post a few days after Ironman Arizona.

The journey is well documented on my blog and my Facebook page. I think everyone gets it - I was in the worst shape of my life. A lot of people that haven’t seen me since I left San Antonio in 2013 may not get that, but I hadn’t touched a weight since October of that year. To be honest, I hadn’t done much of anything since then.

First off, I’m not completely crazy. I’m ultimately just some dude. Completely human. I’ve told my story about running in December and not being able to go 1/4 of a mile. That’s completely real. Now, I kept this one quiet, but it’s important to understand that I thought about making a change in October of 2018. I took off running and cramped IMMEDIATELY. It wasn’t 500 feet. It hurt so bad. I then started to convincing myself that “I’m not a runner”, that maybe I was too heavy, running wasn’t healthy, the injuries over the years have taken their toll, etc, excuse after excuse. This journey that happened almost never got started. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but still felt comfort in the idea that I’d figure another way out “to get back in shape”.

I mention that fateful five hundred feet because I know a few of my friends have decided that they wanted to run and felt that exact same feeling of excruciating agony and walked away from any idea that they would eventually find comfort in the most basic exercise that we do as humans.

Many of you are familiar with the struggles in my personal life - 10 days into me actually being committed, my wife fell off of a ladder and absolutely destroyed her tibia, fibula, and just about every other part of her leg. At that time, our daughter Ava was only 5 months old. A lot of people use kids as an excuse not to workout, and trust me, it was tempting. Lisa was immobile. Ava was a handful (all 5 months olds are). Peyton had to be driven to school 30 minutes away (and picked up). So finding time wasn’t an option - the only way to do what I needed to do was to make time. Again, all of these things are on my blog but I think they are important for context.

So my story isn’t that of a runner or a cyclist that had dabbled in a few triathlons and decided to take the next step. Actually, it’s the opposite. I had NEVER ridden a road bike until April. I hadn’t run since 2004. I hadn’t swam a lap in a pool since 1995.

I simply knew I had to do something that scared me and motivated me enough to make me change.

You know what? I did that - in December I signed up for a 5k Spartan race. Really. That was in June and I signed up for it thinking it was going to take me every damn bit of that 6 months to get ready. I’ve called it the race that changed my life. I started training like an actual Spartan. Funny thing is that the body responded quickly, and a few weeks later, I realized that I’d probably be ok to do Spartan by June. So I went absolutely insane, and in January, decided that I wanted something bigger. I was standing in the Bahamas with several co-workers, and they hadn’t seen me in a couple of months due to Lisa’s injury. Juan asked me “what are you training for” and I told him either an ultra marathon, or an Ironman, or “something”. I think he though I was crazy.

Yep, Ironman it is.

Now, if 6 months was plenty of time to get me ready for a 5k race, there’s no one in the world that would’ve believed that I could possibly do an Ironman by the end of 2019. Until about 9pm on November 24, I wasn’t sure that I could do it. I didn’t know the first thing about triathlons, much less Ironman.

Obviously, I did that tiny sprint tri in Denton - and with a 200 yard swim, I hesitate to even refer to it as a triathlon, but it was a “race” and it was a great experience and I met some awesome people - Jeff, Brad, Michael, and a few other people that I’ve actually become crazy close with.

In true Boyd fashion, I never hired a coach. Now, I had 400 people telling me how important it was to hire a coach and I had to hire a coach, and there’s no way to do it without a coach, and you are 10x more likely to succeed with a coach, and a coach, a coach, a coach, a coach, a coach. Every fucking day someone told me how important it was. And you know what? It probably was. So I chatted with people from every sport and talked to triathletes. Lisa was who I talked to about swimming. A guy I grew up with in the mountains of Harlan County, Jon Carroll - was my go-to for running. I discussed bike stuff with many different people. I was fortunate enough to have a few former Tri pros be willing to answer questions for me, but typically they told me that I was doing way too much, that I am hard headed, that I’d end up injured, that they’d suggest something different, etc. One told me to stop asking him for advice because I wasn’t following it. Hell, I even had a sherpa - my buddy Bart always offered to come pick me up when I broke down on my bike. Luckily, I figured out how to fix most things, but he always checked on me, always listened to my boring training stories, always encouraged me and he and his wife even prepared my food the night before I left because I SUCK at cooking.

So who attacks something like Ironman totally blind and without a clear cut plan? Yeah, I’m totally that guy.

But this was never about training my body - Ironman was my way to make my mind as hard as steel and I knew that if I put my body through it every single day and just refused to quit, that finishing Ironman would just be a formality. While other triathletes are worried about all of these stats and protocols, I was just worried about getting up and getting the fuck after it every single day. Completely pushing myself to the limit as many times as possible hoping to do my best to replicate what it would be like on that training course.

Was it the perfect way to train? No. Of course not. I wouldn’t suggest it, and most people would probably do better by paying someone with experience.

For me though? I wanted to shoulder every single bit. I wanted to risk the blame if I failed for the treasure when I crossed the line. I am a self-taught guy. I taught myself to bench press 600lbs. I didn’t pay someone else a dime to get my dead lift to 800lbs when that was my focus. I just went in every single day and spent hours upon hours of forcing myself to become strong. This was no difference. I ran until I couldn’t, and then ran some more. I just didn’t stop swimming. No distance was too far on my bike, and I always pushed harder and harder.

The funny shit is that I completely understand and am educated in the science behind the training. I completely get it. But I also knew that my body would follow my mind into the depths of hell if it was strong enough to go there.

In December, Ironman seemed ridiculous. That guy was 270lbs (I was 201 the day I left for Arizona). That guy was not doing an Ironman, but he had to become someone that could bare the crucible of 140.6 miles.

Whenever you’re putting yourself through the pressure cooker of a long ass training cycle, you’ll have distinct moments that will ultimately make you or break you. I remember mine vividly. Running was rarely “fun” or “easy” for me. It was “more fun than other times” and “easier”, but never EASY. I can think of times I would come to the intersection of where I could come to my house or I could go out for another lap and add another 1.5 to 2 miles if I turned left. I always turned away from my house when I had to make that decision. I can’t count how many times I decided “one more lap” in the pool and it turned into 1000 more yards. I’d cramp and keep swimming. I knew that something shitty could happen in Town Lake in Tempe so I wanted to be prepared. Something shitty did happen, and I conquered it. The bike? I fell in love with it immediately. It was never a task or a chore. It is my love and it’s something I’ll stick with for the rest of my life.

Now it’s time to be completely transparent here. I was totally overwhelmed with the idea of the swim. On the day before the race, we did our practice swim and I freaked the fuck out. I panicked. Now, I swam at a decent pace, but I knew that if I didn’t calm my mind, that shit would break me and I’d have to live with knowing I didn’t get through the first part of the race. Getting kicked in the face did not help. I was terrified all day Saturday and all morning Sunday. But I had to attack it - fear grows when you give it time and I knew that if I didn’t conquer that swim it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

On race day, I felt pretty good. I was nervous about the swim - not the distance. I had swam the distance a few times. Never in open water, and never with 3000 other people, but I knew I had the endurance.

Racing is a lot like life. You can be doing everything right and shit will happen. You can use it as an excuse and convince yourself that is why you didn’t succeed or you can use it for energy. I was given a gift of an excuse just a few minutes into the race when another racer and I were tangled up, and he completely pulled my goggles off. I remember thinking “you have got to be kidding me”. Of anything that could happen, I would’ve ranked this the absolute worst thing. I swam to a support canoe and told the guy “I’m not quitting, just calming my mind”. Again, I was freaked the fuck out but I knew that if I was going to swim this 2.4 mile race in 63 degree water, it was going to be without goggles - so I put my face in the water, and started banging the fuck out of that stuff.

My eyes were killing me - probably from the toxic waste that is Tempe Town Lake, and a bit from the cold water, but I kept trucking on. For much of the race, I had to utilize my backstroke out of necessity - not from an oxidative standpoint, but to give my eyes a break. Once my eyes cleared and I was able to see my Garmin, I realized that I was easily going to make time. Not the 1 hour 25 minutes I had expected, but under the 2 hour 20 minutes that are allowed from the time you entered the water - once my goggles came off, that was the target. Nothing else matters - survive the water, get to the bike.

The funny thing is that at one point in the lake, I just laughed. I thought “who the fuck loses their goggles that early and keeps going?” Me, motherfucker. I sang, smiled, and just kept moving forward.

The best story of the day came after the final turn. I had someone frantically yelling or grunting. Now, I had ear plugs in, so I wasn’t sure where it was coming from, so my first thought was that I had somehow missed a buoy and the support crew was going to send me back. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case. Someone had actually caught my goggles and he recognized that they must be mine since I didn’t have any, and he gave them to me. Yes, they were my actual ROKAS. Kind of disoriented, I put them on my head. Funny thing is I actually pulled them over my eyes when I got out of the lake (the swim was over).

After that, I just savored the day. The bike course was great and I was very fast. I smiled, chatted with other riders, pounded the fuck out of the hills and cruised down them. At no point on that bike did I feel tired, dehydrated, or in any kind of pain or danger. Maintenance was always on my mind, but I didn’t focus on what I feared - I focused on what I wanted. And what I wanted was to become and Ironman on this day.

The run was much the same. I kept waiting to hurt or feel pain, but I didn’t. I was in great spirits. I met a guy Mike on the run course after he and I kept passing each other, and at one point, we just stayed together and talked the whole way. Funny that he is from San Antonio and we have a mutual friend on Facebook. My goal was finishing - I felt great, but at about the 13 mile mark, I caught a little twitch in my calf. I did not want that to become a cramp that could shut me down, so I went conservative, ignored time, and we just kept a simple, easy pace to get across the finish line. It was a great time, and I was excited to see that his fiancee also crossed the finish line to complete her first Ironman as well.

In the military, we used to say that you don’t rise to the level of your expectations, you fall to the level of your training. My training was the crucible that hardened me for that race. Race day was legitimately a formality that was standing between me and reaching a bucket list goal of becoming an Ironman.

Disclaimer, I hate stupid positive sayings that people that have never accomplished shit come up with. Laws of attraction bullshit, eat an elephant one bite at a time, etc. Motherfucker, thinking about being an Ironnman would’ve kept me fat and depressed. It took me breaking myself down and looking in the mirror and accepting that I had become a fat piece of shit to get this done. Man, fuck all of that happy thought nonsense. Attack, attack, attack. Figure out the bullshit details later. You tear 10 bites off that motherfucker if you are fortunate enough to get to that beast. Doing that shit on social media isn’t the same thing as kicking ass in real life. That “rise and grind” post at 4am doesn’t mean shit if you pull the covers back over your head. You have to go out and suffer. Your body will react to that invigorating workout on a machine in a nice gym, but your mind will only respond to going into the darkest cave that you can find. Calories burned doesn’t always mean that you’ve hardened the mind enough to make sure that you’re actually ready for what may come at you.

Race day was simply amazing. I took it in. I smiled. I thanked people. I encouraged people. I didn’t let one second pass me by. I was actually sad when I hit that red carpet, but to hear Mike Reilly say “Boyd Myers, you are an Ironman” was completely surreal. I can’t put it into words.

The crazy thing is that I don’t feel like I’ve arrived or that I’ve made it to anything. Hell, part of me thinks “Why have you squandered to much time? What else am I capable of?”

My official finish time was 15 hours and 3 minutes. Finishing under 17 hours is all that mattered to me - to become and Ironman.

What’s next? Haha, well, that’s where it gets fun. I’m looking at Ultraman. In short, it’s a 3 day race: -Day 1: 6.2 mile swim and 90 mile bike ride -Day 2: 170 mile bike ride -Day 3: 52.4 mile run

I am going to take a few days to weigh options and look at timing. I am considering taking a real season of training and prep, but I do know me, and I’ll just get back the fuck after it. No, don’t advise me on what I “should” do, because that’s not really how I’ve lived my life. I won’t listen.

Look, there is not a fucking thing in the world standing between you and your goals except the excuses that you keep selling yourself on as to why you can’t reach them. That’s it - we are capable of so much more than we know. People label me as uber-driven, obsessed, crazy, and a lot of other things, but I don’t have anything in me that isn’t in anyone else in the world. Whatever you’ve been thinking about, attack it. It doesn’t have to be Ironman. It doesn’t have to be fitness related. All that I know that is if I didn’t take those first steps, I would’ve never crossed that finish line. Fuck, in December of 2018, a 140.6 mile race was all but impossible. But now, I just know I can do so much more.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

#ironman #ironmanarizona #iamanironman #triathlete #swimbikerun #ultraendurance #motivation #goals #transformation #mybattles #xl

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liv-light-seer · 5 years ago

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Wondering Nights: Entry 9: First Game Day

I still can’t get over the fact that my neighbors are the absolute worst kind of human, especially for someone like me. They’re sons have tried to come over my wall a few times. It seems that they are not heeding my warning. The cops said because they had not crossed over into my property nor damaged my property that they can’t do anything about it. After that, time got away from me and it was the first of the two scheduled game days at my place. I hadn’t even thought of a convincing story for the dog door, nor for my extreme caution with the now wall around my property. Luckily that hasn’t been the subject. Unfortunately, there was a bigger problem.

I’ve not yet actually wrote about my friends here. Didn’t think it was necessary to my research but as things happened at the game day, I thought I would give some background for future documentation if it were to arise. I joined this group to give me an excuse for being out without my family, but I've gotten to be great friends with them over the last few months. Seems even though I’m more introverted, it’s nice having people who I can just chill with and have fun.

I’ve talked about Brad before, my techie friend. He is majoring in computer programming. He has helped me a lot during the last month living here. I’m not sure what I would do without him. He was also one of my first friends when I went to college. He was the one who got me to join the group.

Next is Erza, she is like the most amazing sister friend. She is the sister I’ve never had. We've not known each other long but she has become dear to me. I know she would do anything for me and I would do the same for her. Erza is majoring in Aviation. I tell her she is going to be the best pilot ever. Also, that I’d gladly hire her as my personal pilot for our trips we keep planning.

Then there is Justin. Justin is who I would call the muscle of the group. He got in on a football scholarship, but don't let that fool you. He is extremely passionate about helping others. He is working on his business degree to be able to create a non-profit organization that is able to help people. His goals are constantly on his mind and he keeps finding ways to fundraise money for community programs. He is really amazing. The fact that he found such a floozy of a girl to be his girlfriend will be a mystery to me. She must be good in sales.

On that note, Justin’s new girl. First, I don’t really like new people to begin with, so the fact that he brought her to my house without asking first and that is her and my first time meeting sucked. Second, my wolf didn’t like anything about her. She just reeked of perfume and my senses screamed. I had a headache all day because of that smell. I’d like to use some words to describe this new girl, but my mamma brought me up properly. Even if I can’t say the same for that girl, I won’t drag my family name down. But, how can you go to someone’s house, and act as if the very air wasn’t worthy of you? I feel bad for being this way and causing friction between me and Justin. I just wish that they would have warned me and that she could have been even a little bit decent it might have been different.

I had done my best to play hostess. But there are only so many times someone can get hit. Strike One, as a host you should provided a variety of snacks. I did both healthy vegetables with dip and chips. This wasn’t good enough, apparently her palate was “too sophisticated to have such primitive and bland snacks”. Her words. Strike Two, as a host you should provided a variety of drinks. White wine, Red wine, three types of soda, and water. How dare I not have gin for a gin and tonic. Am I a barbarian? If only she knew the full extent of how I will never provide anything that has a name with tonic in it, nor how barbaric I was about to get with her. Strike Three, as a host to provide the games. I had grown up with card and board games as a main source of entertainment, electronic games were not even close to being provided. Why would they go to a place for “game time that doesn’t have electronic gaming. Man this is going to be boring.”

Erza came to my rescue as much as she could. But to be honest, I wanted to shove she devil’s snotty butt right out of my home. My wolf was all for it too. I could barely talk her down through my own anger. At one point, I’m pretty sure that my wolf growled through my human voice as the she devil complained yet again as to how “properly dreadful” it was that they had to “endure a place so quaint”. The growl in my voice gave everyone a pause. Knowing my limit was coming, I had in a not so polite way said this was my last round. Also, that they can finish the game, but I think it would be better if they left after so no one had to endure the presence of my quaint home anymore.

I’m not sure exactly what happened as they finished and were about to leave. The She Devil got super skittish. Saying that she saw a big animal outside. I had told them that I have quite a few wildlife that live here. I have some sort of denning animal nearby. Told them I thought it was either coyote or wolf. They have been keeping to themselves so everything is fine. She devil went ballistic when I said that, something about wild canines being the worst sort of animal. They are canines and untrained after all. Apparently, she devil is the biggest example of a cat lady you will meet...maybe I should nickname her Cat Lady and not she devil. She just wouldn’t shut up about how dogs wild or domestic are horrible and should never have been created. “Fowl creatures”, she sounded more like my neighbors by the moment. My disdain grew on every word she said.

Before they left the house, Brad and Justin voiced they felt better with me having the fence and the security, but they think I should get a housemate. One reason it would help with rent, and the second reason is I apparently need a man in which to protect me in case I have crazy neighbors. If they only knew. I refused to tell them about my crazy neighbors, especially with she devil right there. I didn’t need her input anymore. Plus the guys think my paranoia is for my research and wanting my personal space. Which is correct, but they don’t need to know there is more. I’ve been getting day flashes of getting shot since meeting my neighbors. Once they finished voicing their concern Erza chimed in too. Although she was more saying you got this great security, but maybe you should learn to shoot. She offered her dad’s range for practice. It’s nice having friends with such diverse backgrounds.

I told them I was actually going to look for an assistant to help with my data. Maybe someone who needs internship hours and is good with numbers. For mostly double checking my findings of my data. That seemed to calm them down some. It sounded like a good idea, note to self research on possibility of getting an intern. After promising to take care of myself and saying our goodbyes, everyone finally left. Justin's she devil eyed me with a hated glare as he hugged me the normal Justin way. Brad hugged me next, reminding me that if anything fritz to call him and he would be here that day to help out. Erza suggested having a sleepover. I said that I’ll think about it. She was hurt and disappointed because that was always my answer. But I can’t help that right now.

That was the end of the absolute frustration at game night, and I needed time alone. I felt like I couldn’t breath from sensory overload and keeping my wolf down. It felt like my skin was crawling and that my wolf wanted out the entire time. Right as their cars were leaving, my senses picked up that there were eyes on the house. I had tried to figure out who was out there. But only the normal wild life were out there. It seems like the pack was hunting a bit later for their normal meal time, but that was the only thing misplaced.

@catthewall @cantdutchthis

#nontraditional werewolves #werewolves #werewolf #gameing with friends #storytime #wondering nights #friendship

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wailingwhilewriting-blog · 6 years ago

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Tugging at my Heart, part 5

Edit: re-upload because I suck at technology and migrating blogs.

Summary: You’re a literature teacher who quickly takes an interest in the new P.E. teacher, Mr. Odinson.

Pairings: Teacher!Thor x Teacher!Reader

Type: Series

Warnings: Minor cursing, bit of angst

Word Count: 2941

A/N: Hold on to your hats, it’s a long one. Sort of an inbetweener chapter, and it took me quite a while to get the tone right. And I’m noticing I’m blatantly projecting myself upon the ‘reader’ character, so I hope it’s not that heavy that you lasses can’t identify with it anymore ;-;

Masterlist

Part 4, part 6

If you want to be tagged in the series or permatagged, please send me an ask, because I keep losing names.

It was the Monday after your marvellous weekend adventure. You stood in front of your students and felt your attention waning. You hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep since your little bar date with Thor. Which hadn’t even been a proper date at all, you reminded yourself. Your brain had been in overdrive since the weekend, conjuring both doom scenarios and visions where you and Thor were being VERY intimate. As a result of this distracting stream of constant images you felt absolutely drained. You heard Shaina Kenner read a passage from To kill a Mockingbird, but the words seemed to go in one ear, and right out of the other.

“…Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corncribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird,” Shaina finished, and she looked up to you expectantly.

You stared at your copy of the text in your hand.

“Ms. (l/n)?” Shaina tried.

Your gaze shot up and you closed your book.

“Well done, Shaina,” you said with the lightest tone you could manage. “Everybody please grab your books, we’re finishing early today.” That was enough to send most of your students packing, but Liz Torrez, sweet Liz Torrez, stayed behind. She motioned towards her friends to go on ahead, and you straightened the pile of papers on your desk that was already perfectly aligned.

“Ehm, ms. (l/n)?” Liz said softly. “Is everything alright with you?”

“Yes, everything is fine,” you said a little too quick, and Liz looked at you in disbelief.

You gazed up at her for a moment and sighed. “My personal life has become a little… confusing,” you admitted. “That’s all, I promise.”

“Anything I can help with?”

You shook your head with a smile. “No, Liz, but thank you. I just have to figure some stuff out… how I feel about certain people.”

Liz grinned widely. “Have you started dating?”

You started packing your bag, and you smiled at Liz. “I’m not going to discuss this with you.”

“That’s fine! But I’ll tell you something about my dating experience. You know Jake from the senior class?” Liz spouted.

“Yes…” you said reluctantly, finishing with your bag and slowly making your way towards the hall. Liz didn’t stay far behind and cheerily walked besides you.

“He asked me to the homecoming dance! But it was a bit confusing, because we never talked before about if we really liked each other, so I didn’t know whether to say yes or no without seeing the bigger picture.”

“Seeing the bigger picture is important…” you muttered as you walked through the hallway towards the teachers’ lounge. You stopped by the door and glanced at Liz. “Well, do you like him?”

“I do!” she beamed.

“Then that’s all you need right now,” you said with a wink, and stepped inside the teacher’s lounge. You walked inside and were about to settle at one of the tables, when you spotted Nat’s red curls bouncing as she entered through the other door. You quickly pretended like you had just gotten up and were about to leave, but Natasha was a quick one and was by your side in no time.

“Hey beautiful,” she greeted with a wide smirk. “How was your weekend, eh? Had a nice time at the Commodore?”

“Yes, it was great! Also great how you set me up. I really appreciate that,” you scoffed.

“You’re very welcome!” Natasha beamed. “Now, tell me exactly what happened, don’t leave a detail out.”

“Sorry, I have a class to prepare,” you muttered.

“Oh boo, you do not,” Natasha snarked.

“I do so. I’ll see you later.” And before she could talk you out of it, you quickly strode out of the teacher’s lounge.

On Tuesday, you managed to hide your inability to focus quite well from your students. You put the students to work and only answered necessary questions. If your students noticed the change in teaching method, they didn’t speak of it to you.

When the bell rang signalling lunch, you sighed quietly as the students rushed past you towards the cafeteria. You had managed to evade Nat again this morning, but she was surely going to be laying in wake in the lounge. You glanced outside and saw that the weather was quite decent and you smiled. You’d just find a quiet corner outside to eat your lunch. Easy evasion tactics.

Once you left your classroom you realised that you had underestimated the redhead, as she locked arms with you immediately once you took one step outside. She smirked at you and firmly sat you down on an empty bench and clapped her hands together.

“Now then, no more evading me. Spill the beans. What happened last weekend at the Commodore?”

You groaned. “Honestly Nat, I still don’t completely know myself.”

“Well start at the beginning!”

“After you and Maria stood me up, I ran into Brad,” you said pointedly.

“Brad?”

“Roleplay dude.”

“Oh Brad!”

“Yes, Brad. And he wasn’t about to let me off easy. I was about to try the bathroom window, I swear,” you sighed.

“Wait, how long did you have to wait for Odinson? I told him 10 pm sharp!” Natasha scoffed.

“You shouldn’t have invited him at all!” you growled back. “But he did have excellent timing. He helped me get out of there without Brad feeling me up.”

“So what are you being all evasive for then? That sounds like a perfectly good first date.”

“It wasn’t a date!” you insisted. “I mean, sure, he played my boyfriend for the night, but –“

“That’s a detail you very skilfully neglected to mention!” Natasha hissed. You hid your face in your hands. “Wait… there’s more?” Natasha muttered.

“Well… to make it more believable… We kissed,” you finally blurted out.

After a long moment of silence you gazed up at Natasha, who was smirking so widely you thought her face might tear.

“And have you seen each other since?” she said, her voice perfectly composed.

“He dropped me off at home and that was it!” you revealed.

“You didn’t give him your number? Didn’t ask for a second date?”

“It wasn’t a date to begin with! And you don’t just say ‘Hey, thanks for pretending to be my boyfriend for the night so the creepy guy wouldn’t follow me home, let’s go on another date soon.’ That’s not how that goes!” you said sceptically.

“Who cares how things normally go! You obviously like the guy, why not date him? Was his kiss that bad?” Natasha chuckled.

“No! No. No, it was actually pretty great…” you say softly. “So great that I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.” Your mind conjured up a rather persistent image of you and Thor in the locker room, heavily making out as he pressed you against the cold metal, his hands slowly trailing up your sides and – you shook your head, trying to clear the stubborn vision from your brain.

Nat shook her hand in front of your face. “Damn girl, it’s almost like you’re on something.”

You bury your face in your hands. “It kind of feels like that, too,” you say with a groan.

Natasha quirks an eyebrow at you, expectantly. “Explain.”

You cough your throat awkwardly. “It’s like my mind has been set in overdrive… I keep thinking of the worst ways this can end for either of us. And… There’s other stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“You know… Dreams, little indulgent fantasies,” you muttered, your cheeks turning a bright red.

“Oh!” Natasha laughed, then leaned in. “Any special things he does? Special places?”

You nod lightly. “The locker room, weirdly enough.”

“Oh… I had you pegged as more of a ‘under the bleachers’ kind of girl,” Nat said with a wide grin. “But then why are you avoiding him? You should be jumping his bones, your mind is clearly telling you to!”

“I’m not avoiding him, and I’m certainly not going to jump any part of him!” you mutter. “I need to keep the bigger picture in mind.”

Natasha frowned at you. “What are you talking about?”

“The bigger picture, Nat! What if he was just being polite and saved a girl in need? What if he doesn’t want to date a colleague? What if that kiss that I can’t keep out of my head was just a minor detail of just another day to him? What happens when we can’t work together anymore?”

“All I’m hearing is ‘blab la bla picture, I’m scared, I’m a chicken, blab la bla’,” Natasha mocked with a wide grin.

“Fuck you…” you growled, and quickly checked that none of your students were around to hear. You gazed around the school grounds, and your breath hitched audibly. Thor was approaching from the sports field, and had already spotted you and Nat. “And fuck me, too! Shit!” You grabbed your bag at lightning speed, and quickly trotted away as fast as you could without tripping over your heels.

You managed to avoid Thor and Natasha the rest of the day, and your sense of guilt grew with every hour. You threw yourself into your grading work to escape your own thoughts. By the end of the day, your work was finished, and you were running out of excuses.

Wednesday’s classes were quite literally hell. You’d had another rough night and a massive headache seemed to have made a nest within your skull. The students picked up on your inattentiveness and greatly abused it, getting on your nerves more than you had ever experienced. You send three students to detention, and you had to grit your teeth to stop from cussing at them.

After said class, you walked through the busy hallways and kept a close eye out for Thor. You had buried every doubt and every fantasy that had plagued you for the past few days, in order to function properly. You feared that the moment you saw him, everything that you had managed to bury would resurface.

You rounded the corner, and practically walked into Thor. You looked up at him, tried to come up with an excuse, but drew a blank. He gently placed his hand on the small of your back and led you into the nearby janitor’s closet. Once inside you tried to brush past him and out the door, but Thor blocked your way.

“Thor, I didn’t –“ you began, but Thor quickly cut you off.

“I’m sorry for dragging you in here,” he said. “Natasha informed me of your most likely evasion route.”

“Bless her,” you groaned.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” he said simply, and your heart nearly broke at his expression. He was gazing gently at you, but his eyes were already wondering what he had done wrong.

“I have,” you admitted.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked, and your heart ached at his words. “Was I a bit too enthusiastic in my pretence last Saturday?”

“No! No, I just… I just needed some time to figure things out,” you said weakly. You turned your hands into fists at your side to keep from grabbing his hands into yours.

“I thought…” Thor paused for a moment as he searched for the right words. “I thought there was something more to our kiss than just a courtesy. But when I didn’t see you on Monday and when you practically fled from me on Tuesday, I didn’t know what to think anymore.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” you said softly.

“I realise that me pretending to be your partner for the night must have been confusing, since we are colleagues,” Thor said, pulling a hand through his hair and only messing it up. “And I’m not sure what the rules are surrounding colleagues dating.”

“There are no regulations against it,” you interjected quickly. You had looked it up over the weekend.

“Then what’s got you avoiding me all week?” Thor said gently. He conjured a mock-hurt expression. “Am I such a bad kisser?”

“No! No, you are an excellent kisser…” you said breathlessly. “Definitely worth an A+ in my book.”

“Was I completely mistaken then, when I assumed that there was more to our kiss than just gallantry?” Thor said as he took a small step towards you.

“There was more to it…” you admitted. Thor gave you a moment to explain, but when you stayed silent he gently brought his hand up to your cheek. He cupped your face softly, and you lightly leaned into his palm.

“Talk to me, (f/n). Please,” said Thor softly. You brought your own hand over his and closed your eyes for a moment.

Taking a deep breath, you opened your eyes and gazed up at Thor. “I’m scared,” you admitted.

“Scared of me?” Thor asked sharply, and you felt him trying to pull back his hand, but you firmly held it on your cheek.

“No, of course not. I trust you completely. Which is part of the reason that I’m scared,” you spoke gently. You pressed a quick kiss to Thor’s palm before releasing it. You crossed your arms and Thor gazed at you expectantly.

“I’ve never felt so much for one person so quickly, as I have with you,” you muttered. “It scares me that I haven’t been able to think of anything else but our kiss…”

You tried to explain the constant stream of doubts and insecurities that had made its way into your mind ever since your bar adventure. You didn’t tell him that a multitude of those visions had been rather indulgent fantasies. Thor kept his gaze on you as you struggled to find the right words.

“I've been over every doom scenario, every outcome that ends badly for either of us, because if I already feel so strongly about this now, how strong will the fallout be when this doesn't work out?”

Thor laughed, and it strangely reminded you of the rumbling of thunder. “You are already twenty steps ahead of whatever it is we have here,” he said with a chuckle. “And you are forgetting the fact that this might work out after all. Is it really not worth exploring what we could be, just because there is a minor possibility that it won't work out?”

“There's more at stake than just our collegial relationship, Thor. Fury would fire us both without hesitation should anything we have work against our ability to teach.”

“I don't doubt he would, but surely we can stay professional in front of the students, but at the same time explore... well, explore us?” Thor said, gesturing vaguely between you and himself with a sheepish grin.

You couldn't help but smile, then grimaced. “Speak for yourself. I've been a terrible teacher the last few days. It felt like it was my very first week as a teacher all over again. One stupid kiss and you’ve got me reeling.”

Thor chuckled. “Well, let's talk this through then. Tell me of these doom scenarios.”

"We could break-up, resent each other, blame each other, and it would be impossible for us to work together, resulting in either one of us having to transfer to a different school."

"Easy fix, I don't resent people," Thor grinned.

"We could become so intoxicated with each other that we can't keep apart, resulting in Fury firing one or both of us."

"You'd grow sick of me if you spent every minute of every day with me, so that will never happen."

You sighed. "It's not that easy!"

"But it's also not that difficult!" Thor retorted. He came to stand next to you, grasping your hands into his and gazed down at you. You gulped at the incredible gentleness that his eyes portrayed.

"It's as simple as this, (f/n)," Thor said. "Do you like me?"

"Yes," you said without hesitation.

"And would you like to go out with me again, properly this time, no charades or pretences?" Thor grinned.

"I would like that, yes," you managed.

"Then that's all we need, right?" Thor said softly, gently bringing his hands up to your jaw. He cupped your face and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. He gazed down at you again and smiled. “Let's just see where this goes. And the moment you have doubts or doom scenarios clouding your judgement, come talk to me. No more hiding.”

You smiled sheepishly up at him. “Yeah, my evasive manoeuvres didn't really help me in the end.”

“You could use some track training,” Thor chuckled and pulled you into a tight hug. You buried your nose into the crook of his neck and sighed contently. The two of you stood like that for a little while, just enjoying each other’s company and close touch. You were the first to lift your head and gaze up at Thor. He smiled that ridiculous grin of his and slowly leaned down, gently pressing his lips to yours. You grabbed the collar part of his SHIELD High hoodie and pulled him in closer, kissing him more ardently. Thor responded appropriately; pulling you to him tightly and deepening the kiss, and in doing so softly slammed you into the janitor’s locker. You moaned softly when he broke the kiss and brought his lips closer to your ear.

“Natasha also said something about the locker room?” Thor said lowly, a deep rumbling chuckle emanating from his chest.

“I’m never telling that shrew anything ever again,” you groaned, and quickly kissed him again before he could say more.

#thor #thor fanfiction #thor x reader

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dalmatianplantationsensation · 7 years ago

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CHARACTER SHEET: Roger Jonathan Radcliffe

As I hide behind these books I read / while scribbling my poetry / like art could save a wretch like me / with some ideal ideology / that no one can hope to achieve. / And I am never real; it is just a sketch of me. -- Waste of Paint, Bright Eyes

It takes strength to be gentle and kind. --I Know It’s Over, The Smiths

STATS:

Birthday: 11 October 1991

Hogwarts House (Primary): Ravenclaw (modelling a blend of Hufflepuff and Slytherin)

Hogwarts House (Secondary): Ravenclaw

Myers-Briggs: ISFP

Enneagram: Type 5

Height: 5’11

BACKGROUND OVERVIEW:

Mother: Harriet Martha Hunter Radcliffe

Father: William Jonathan Radcliffe (deceased)

Mother’s Occupation: manager at a fabric store

Father’s Occupation: musician

Family Finances: lower class

Birth Order: only child

Other Close Family: Gran on his dad’s side; he has two male cousins on that side who are pretty Patts-esque lol; didn’t really talk to his mum’s side all that much till about a couple of years ago

Best Friend: Paul Patts

Other Friends: from home: Lucy, Finn, Ed; from here: Anita, Perdita, Berlioz, Stan, Brad, Belle?

Enemies: none, really—Lou?

Pets: 32 Dalmatians lol (he had a Dalmatian named George when he was growing up)

Home Life During Childhood: eh so it was happy till he was about ten, then his father started drinking more than usual and doing bad drugs and there were a lot of fights and broken furniture and all that and Roger blames himself

Town or City Name(s): London, England—East End, near Shoreditch

What Did Her Bedroom Look Like: sloping wall with green-striped wallpaper, lots of books jammed into a little shelf, a little wobbly desk with a single desk lamp, kept a bunch of knick-knacks on his desk, lots of sheet music

Any Sports or Clubs: probably in school band or orchestra, also did theatre

Favorite Toy or Game: He had a stuffed dog that he went to bed with every night till he was like 13 or something and it wasn’t “cool” anymore and one of the bigger kids teased him about it so he stuffed it in the bin, but his mum rescued it and it’s on the shelf above his childhood bed

Schooling: finished secondary

Favorite Subject: Music, of course, and English

Popular or Loner: had his own group of friends, was never really a true loner, also helped that his best mate was like the most popular bloke in school

Important Experiences or Events: Dad died when he was 15, he found the body in the bathroom

Health Problems: prone to addiction, undiagnosed depression probably, also near-sighted if that counts lol (he wears contacts most of the time)

Culture: English

Religion and beliefs: his mum’s family goes to church pretty regularly and he’s, like, the type of guy who wishes he could believe in God but isn’t sure—even so, does Christmas, Easter, that whole thing, and when he’s feeling particularly vulnerable, he will pray

PERSONALITY:

Bad Habits: nervous talker, easily addicted to substances, smokes, drinks too much when he’s in a depressive spell

Good Habits: loyal, dedicated to his craft when he is in a steady spell, very good with kids and animals

Best Characteristic: dedicated—to the people close to him, to his craft, to his passions, he won’t quit on you

Worst Characteristic: low self-worth—he doesn’t think much of himself at all and it’s a big hindrance to, like, his life

Worst Memory: finding his dad’s dead body ha ha ha

Best Memory: when Powell approached him and introduced himself and said he had talent

Proud of: his musical ability

Embarrassed by: uh his like,,,everything—his looks, his background, his finances, his grades

Driving Style: he’s very average, speeds a little but remembers his turn signals

Strong Points: kind, artistic, passionate, intelligent, goofy

Temperament: melancholic

Attitude: can be broody

Weakness: tbh he’s like really sensitive if you doubt the one thing he is proud of (musical ability); also fuck with Paul/Anita/his mom (and Perdita by extension), he will get upset

Fears: not living up to his artistic potential, turning into his father

Phobias: turning into his father highkey

Secrets: sometimes he’s happy? His dad died bc it really put his mum out of a lot of misery…

Regrets: getting good at music, because that’s what ultimately drove his dad down the drain

Feels Vulnerable When: talking about himself in general lol, he likes talking to other people and does genuinely want to know more about them but he hates it when it’s about him

Pet Peeves: snobby rich people—he can deal with regular rich people who aren’t snobs and think that his social class is his own fault, kale (really does not like kale)

Conflicts: desire to follow his artistic dreams vs how freakin’ hard it is to do, as well as not wanting to like totally leave his mum in the dust

Motivation: to be a true, genuine artist and hoping success will follow

Short Term Goals and Hopes: get some sort of record deal—either as a musician or a composer

Long Term Goals and Hopes: gosh—make a decent living as a composer, trying not to be a sell-out, but also still getting his time in the limelight

Sexuality: bisexual, if we’re talking Kinsey-scale it’s like a 2.5 (prefers women, but still likes men)

Exercise Routine: gets most of his exercise from working tbh

Day or Night Person — Night.

Introvert or Extrovert — Introvert.

Optimist or Pessimist — Pessimist

LIKES AND STYLES:

Music: jazz, of course! He grew up listening to the greats and has a fondness for Charlie Parker. Errol Garner is another favorite. Other than that he listens to a lot of classic rock—London’s a great city for classic rock, eh? Got the Stones and the Beatles and the Who—real great place, music’s everywhere, didya know that lots of the classic rock bands were influenced by jazz? Roger can show you where they played. Also really into the Smiths. And indie stuff. Fan of the occasional really good musical. Just doesn’t really like pop is all (ok except for some songs....)

Books: classics, he’s partial to the 1920s era—Hemingway (yes, I know), Fitzgerald, Stein, and all that good stuff. Also a fan of Virginia Woolf. Also a huge Jane Austen fan, he won’t admit that right away but it’s easy to pry out of him.

Magazines: tbh not many,,,he keeps up with music stuff online

Foods: good pub food—he likes a good steak pie with loads of green peas and mashed potatoes on the side. Also a good English breakfast (his favorite part’s the sausage).

Drinks: tea—black, the English Breakfast blend. Likes a good beer as well, or a shot of whiskey.

Animals: Dogs. No, but seriously, he’s always been fond of them and will take care to point them out on the street to whoever he is with.

Sports: He plays football but sucks at it haha, but he follows Paul’s team!

Social Issues: LGBTQ+ rights, he’s like really against gentrification, having lived it firsthand

Favorite Saying: “Life is like jazz; it’s a lot better when you improvise.”

Color: Grey. He likes how varied it is. It reminds him of home and of silver and the sky and the Thames and a lot of things he likes.

Clothing: he’s like very particular about how he dresses, tries not to wear shorts and t-shirts, he likes to keep it dressy casual, like hipster style (wow, roger)

Jewelry: he has a nice watch his dad passed down to him and a ring his granddad gave him when he graduated

Games: played pokemon when he was younger, will take a turn on those first-person shooters when he’s with friends, likes the Legend of Zelda

Websites: Instagram, tumblr, has his own like wordpress or something with music reviews, posts some piano covers on youtube (not terribly many)

TV Shows: Fools and Horses, other british sitcoms which i am too lazy to research r now but he’s a sitcom sorta bloke when he does watch tv

Movies: he likes weird horror movies, big zombie fan; secretly really adores Love, Actually, but says his favourite movie is Ray (which is a great movie, he just likes Love, Actually more....); prefers the BBC Pride and Prejudice over the Kiera Knightley one and is passionate about that

Greatest Want: to be a true artist™

Greatest Need: to overcome his bad self-esteem and love himself

CURRENTLY:

Home: lives in the Dalmatian Plantation farmhouse, on the top floor in an attic bedroom

Household furnishings: lots of sheet music, he keeps his closet pretty neat, but the rest is quite messy. Always has a stack of books on his bedside drawer. There’s usually an empty mug of tea because he’s too lazy to bring it downstairs lol. Bed is usually not made.

Favorite Possession: probably a book from either Paul or Anita (or both)

Most Cherished Possession: the piano in his house in London, which belonged to his dad and his dad’s dad; also the watch his dad left him

Married Before: Nope.

Significant Other Before: Finn, Sarah (those are the only significant ones)

Children: n/a

Relationship with Family: very close with his mum, they stuck together when it got really bad on his homelife end; she’s always been supportive of him; his mum’s family used to not speak to them much, but recently have been reaching out; dad’s family talks to them more

Car: n/a

Career: dog care-taker, record shop clerk, musician/composer

Dream Career: composer/jazz musician [music teacher, but he doesn’t know that yet]

Dream Life: ok so honestly—Roger’s destined to become a teacher. He’s great with kids and in the end, he will (hopefully) realize that his passion for music is meant to be passed down to others. Sure, he’s gonna still write the occasional almost-famous tune and play in ensembles and venues, but he’s gonna be truly happy as a teacher.

Love Life: uh—kinda dating Anita? What is? Going? On?

Hobbies : playing music, reading, walking the dogs lol, likes playing football sometimes (sucks at it), acting

Guilty Pleasure : will, on occasion, like a pop song; rom-coms

Sports or Clubs: n/a

Talents or Skills : great musician—plays piano excellently, trumpet pretty well, and can manage a bit on saxophone and guitar; has a good singing voice too (baritone)! Decent driver (can drive manual wow that’s impressive to me tbh); good with kids and animals (also impressive to me lmao)

Intelligence Level : artistically inclined—he was bad at science/math classes, but good at music, literature, and history. He’s not dumb by any means, but his strengths aren’t really in a technical area. He’s knowledgeable and interested in learning about things, but don’t ask him to solve some intricate mathematical proof

Finances: manages alright on his own (he basically doesn’t have to pay rent, so he’s doing p good; sends money back home too)

#roger gets two quotes bc he's special #and im in love with him #character sheet #about #hc #stuff

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