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deadpcnned · 4 years ago

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let’s talk about... sex? you&me? (s.b. x reader)

pairing: sirius black x reader

summary: sirius and y/n struggle with the two things that make a relationship. sex and communication.

warning(s): mentions of sex, uh i guess “steamy” scenes but no smut, sirius is written possibly ooc, also kinda angst ?

word count: 6.7k

a/n: this is sort of a mess but i enjoyed it anyway so oh well :p ALSO if you think anything i wrote in this is unconsensual in anyway pls lmk i do not support that AT ALL. anywayy here’s my first fic on this account hehe

A giggle left Y/N’s swelling lips as Sirius lowered her onto his bed. It had been luck that none of his dorm mates were there, but he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have cared if they had been. Not when the girl in front of him was letting out such beautiful labored breaths, a sound that only he got to hear.

Y/N reconnected her lips to his, bringing her hand to cup the back of his neck. Sirius’ lips left hers again, but she didn’t have to let out the whine that was at the back of her throat as he began to nip at the skin of her neck, immediately turning it into a strangled moan. Tilting her head she allowed him to pepper straggled kisses down her neck to the exposed skin of her shoulder that peeked out from her jumper. Or rather his jumper. One of his hands gave him support as he hovered over her, while the other was pressed firmly to her side. He let the pad of his thumb rub circles into more exposed skin and Y/N felt the knot in her stomach grow. It was as though she couldn’t get enough of him. Her hands moved down from behind his neck to start unbuttoning his dress shirt. Sirius began to pull away from her neck but she quickly caught his lips in hers, causing him to smile against her. Her desperate kisses let him know just how badly she needed him. But as he pulled back again, he shifted his body so that he was now laying beside her, his arms sprayed out above him.

Y/N’s eyebrows furrowed at the sudden lack of touch and she turned to Sirius with questioning eyes, “Are you okay?”

“Hmm,” Sirius looked at her with his eyebrows shot up, as if the sudden shift of energy was completely normal. “Oh yah, of course, love. ‘M just tired. Wanna cuddle?”

No. Y/N didn’t want to cuddle. Not when she could still feel his hands on every part of her he had touched and the effects of those touches on the parts he was yet to. But if Sirius was tired, then that was fine. It was actually only right. So she quietly rested her head on his shoulder (not missing the way he stiffened for a second), finding a different kind of pleasure in the way his fingers eventually began to run through her hair.

It had been a few days since the awkward occurrence and Sirius seemed to be making it a point to do virtually everything in public. Every second that he had to spend with Y/N alone, he always seemed to be suggesting they spend it in some public area. Studying? The library. A walk? Near the quidditch field, where his mates seemed to interrupt every few minutes. But now they were running back hand in hand straight into the common room, trying to make sure they reached before Filch caught up to them. Their laughs were loud and their breath heavy as they ran through the portrait hole. Sirius collapsed onto the common room couch, not paying much mind to how empty the common room was.

“I’ve got to hand it to you, Y/N/N,” Sirius spoke, still attempting to catch his breath. “Ditching potions to try to sneak into the kitchens was bloody worth it. Even if Filch might still be on our arse.”

Y/N chuckled as she stood across from the dark haired boy, taking in the site of him. He had shut his eyes and was clutching his stomach with one of his arms while the other was extended across the right side of the sofa. He was smiling, though, indicating that he truly did enjoy their endeavour. Merlin, he was beautiful.

“If it was such a good idea,” drawled Y/N, her legs slowly carrying her closer to the Gryffindor boy. “Why don’t you give me a treat?” Sirius’ eyes snapped open as he felt her fall into his lap and her hands cup his shoulders.

“After all, I didn’t really get that dessert…” she spoke, looking at him through her lashes. Sirius gulped, as he hesitantly wrapped one hand around her waist. Before Sirius could convince himself otherwise, he was responding to her.

“You’re right,” He rasped. “Bloody Filch. How am I gonna treat my girl?” At this point their noses were brushing against each other, lips mere inches apart.

“Mm, I have a few ideas,” Without another word, Y/N connected their lips. Her right hand weaved itself through his black hair and he let out a groan as she tugged on it. His hand had snuck under her robe, traveling up to her bare thigh as it reached the edge of her skirt. As Y/N realized Sirius made no plan to go further, she decided to take initiative. Pulling her lips away, she inched closer once again, lightly biting his bottom lip. Sirius gasped and she stuck her tongue into his mouth. Sirius didn’t even try to fight for any form of dominance as her tongue explored his mouth. All he could focus on was the way her hand was clutching his shoulder so tightly and the noises she was letting out against him. She moved her hand from his neck down his chest, and slowly (so slowly that Sirius wondered if he might’ve imagined it) she let her fingers barely brush past his crotch. But Sirius was sure he wasn’t imagining the way he was hardening underneath her. He quickly brought his hand to her neck, pulling her back and effectively disconnecting their lips.

“Wha-” Y/N yelped, as Sirius set her beside him and jumped up from the couch.

“Y/N! I completely forgot, James and I thought of this wicked prank!” Y/N hazily stared at the grinning boy, still trying to pull herself down from the high she had been experiencing.

“Sirius, why don’t you tell me about it with James… you know, later.” She had a pout on her face, but Sirius laughed ignoring it.

“Yes, let’s go right now. I’m pretty sure him and Peter are headed to the library after class.” He grabbed her hand but she halted his movements, causing him to look back at her with a confused expression.

“There’s still an hour before classes end. We can’t go back right now.”

“Oh it’ll be fine, we can just go to the last of our classes,” Sirius began to walk, but was stopped once again by a quiet voice.

“That’s alright. You should, um, go back to class. I think I’m going to head up to my dorm.” Sirius cringed at the way Y/N’s voice cracked at the end of her sentence, but he made no effort to show her he noticed. He nodded, his shit-eating grin unwavering. As she quietly went up the stairs Sirius sat back down on the couch, dropping his head into his hands.

Upstairs, Y/N wiped her unwanted tears as she sat down on her bed. Sirius and Y/N had been together for nearly a month, which may not have been very long, but they had been pining after each other for a year and for even longer subconsciously. She was more than ready to go farther than just kissing with Sirius, but he seemed to be on a completely different page. Of course, Y/N didn’t mind that the guy she felt so deeply for wasn’t ready to go farther. In fact, she wanted him to feel more than comfortable when they did get there. What bothered her was that it was Sirius that she felt deeply for. Sirius Orion Black, the infamous lady’s man. He had slept with so many girls at Hogwarts that he had lost track (no really, he tried to keep a list when he had first lost his virginity). The same Sirius Black that had told Y/N that it was childish of her to not talk about sex with him because it was “completely natural and something friends talk about” when they were fourteen, was now making no move to do anything of the sorts. How was she not supposed to feel insecure when he had been thinking of James Potter while making out with her? What the fuck.

Despite her insecurities and, frankly, her sexual frustration, Y/N had put her qualms aside by the next day. If Sirius wasn’t willing to have sex yet, that was completely his decision and she had to respect that. So, she sauntered into one of the classes they shared seating herself down next to him and kissing him on the cheek. She playfully winked at James who was glaring at her (he hadn’t quite forgiven the couple for kicking him out of his spot next to his best mate).

“Hey,” Sirius said cautiously. “I didn’t see you at breakfast.”

“I overslept,” Y/N responded honestly. “I missed you though.” She grinned cheekily at the boy in front of her as she rested her arms on the table in front of her, resting her head on top.

Sirius chuckled, scoffing, “Yah? You saw me yesterday.” He carefully watched her to see her reaction to him referencing the previous afternoon. But when her smile remained intact, he felt himself relax. She wasn’t angry.

“I know. What can I say, you have that effect on me.” Sirius’ smile grew even larger, which Y/N didn’t think was possible but was so glad it was. “We’re still on for tomorrow right?”

“Obviously,” Sirius rolled his eyes, jokingly. “I would never miss a date with my girl.”

“Never? Be careful, Black. That’s a deadly promise.”

As the next day rolled by, Sirius found himself knocking on the young girl’s dorm. The door opened to reveal red hair and a pointed look. Lily stared at the boy in front of her and seemed to be sizing him up.

“Lily?”

“Yes?”

“Um, is Y/N there?”

The red-head narrowed her eyes and carefully said, “she’s just finishing up in the bathroom… So where are you taking my friend, Black?”

“Oh, c’mon, Lily. Don’t act like a stranger,” Sirius scoffed, obviously referring to the pair's very close friendship. Lily, who — though she’d never admit it— knew she was being a tad bit dramatic, kept her face stoic as she replied.

“Well, when you date my best friend, this is the Lily you have to deal with. You chose this, Black.”

“If it means I get to date the girl of my dreams, I’d say it's an easy price to pay,” Sirius cheesily spoke, but the look on his face was genuine enough to elicit a positive reaction from his red headed friend.

“Good answer, Black. You’re welcome to come in,” Lily smiled, rolling her eyes.

“Why, thank you. That’s very thoughtful of you, Potter.” Howling with laughter, Sirius dodged the pillow Lily harshly chucked at him from her bed (“I will never be a Potter!”). Sirius placed himself on Y/N’s tidied up bed and found himself smiling at her corner. He had been here multiple times before, but something felt so different now. Suddenly the muggle nightlight she kept between the corner of her bed and her night stand made his heart beat faster. And now getting to see the moving pictures of her friends and her lining her walls was a reminder of how lucky he was to be accepted into her life. And the poster of some famous wizard made his stomach turn with jealousy. Every mundane thing about her side of the room, had him spiraling out of control.

“You didn’t have to meet me here, I could’ve just come to the common room,” Y/N’s voice pulled him out of his head and he shot up taking her in. She had a short white dress adorning her body and a carnation pink cardigan in her hand. Her hair was pulled into a loose ponytail, defining her cheekbones that carried a light blush. She looked gorgeous. She was gorgeous.

“Thought I’d pick you up from your door like in those muggle movies you like.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not exclusively a muggle thing, but still very thoughtful, nonetheless,” Y/N mused, leaning up to kiss her boyfriend.

“Yes, please pretend I’m not here.” Laughing, Y/N pulled back from Sirius. Apologizing to Lily, the couple left hand in hand.

“Alright, babe, what’s the plan for today?” Sirius inquired, his hand quickly wrapping around Y/N’s shoulders pulling her closer.

“Right, so since we still have class tomorrow, I know we can’t go anywhere, really. But I wanna show you something special. ”

“Ooo, somewhere special you say? Now tell me, where can my precious Y/N be taking me?”

“You’ll just have to see,” Y/N winked up at the boy.

Y/N’s destination had been the herbology greenhouse, which had sparked a lot of questions from Sirius. She explained that she had asked a professor to let the two of them spend some time there if they promised not to touch any of the plants. At first, Sirius had begged Y/N to let him steal some of the ingredients he needed for an upcoming prank he had planned on Severus, but quickly quieted down when he saw the disappointed look on his girlfriend's face. As he finally started to listen, she began to explain why the two of them were here. The night had ended with the two deciding to sneak some leftover dinner out of the kitchen and eat it in the astronomy tower.

Huddled under James’ invisibility cloak, the teenagers tried to keep their giggles at a minimum.

“Oh, would you stop knocking your head into mine?”

“Me?! You stop!”

Finally, after a lot of hushing and, as a result, even louder laughs, they had made it into the Astronomy tower and were now situated on the floor. The pair ate their dinner in a comfortable silence, each of them reflecting on how they had felt that day. Sirius felt loved. They hadn’t shared the three words yet, but there was no other way to explain it. It felt like he had finally found the light out of the tunnel that he had been running through for the past six years, ever since the Sorting Hat had placed him in the house that bled red and gold. He felt loved, safe, worthy. And that terrified him. Throughout the last six years, all he had heard was that he ruined everything. The taunts came from the only other woman he had ever loved. Yes, it was in a very different way but it was his mother. He loved her and all she had ever done was tell him he didn’t deserve the same in return. But as he looked at Y/N as she silently gazed at the stars in front of her, he knew she would never hurt him like that. She was here to stay. Despite this, he still couldn’t bring himself to do the one thing he was yearning to do.

However, Y/N wasn’t on the same page. She began to move her hand up and down Sirius’s thigh as she rested her head on his shoulder, peering up at him. “Sirius?”

“Hm?” But he never got a reply, instead having her capture his lips in a sloppy manner. She shifted so she was propped back on her elbows and Sirius responded by laying her down further. After a few more moments Sirius could feel that this was once again headed in a direction he had been avoiding. His suspicions were confirmed when Y/N let her fingers play with the hem of his sweater, as if waiting for him to give her some form of permission. As she waited, she brought one of his hands to rest low on her inner thigh, giving him access to move it where he wished. Sirius’ mind was yelling for him to pull away, but as he looked at her laying beneath him he couldn’t help but give into his desires. His hand disappeared under her white dress and pinched at the soft skin of her thigh. Y/N let out a whimper as he began to rub circles in addition to occasionally pulling at the skin. Sirius pulled his lips away at the same time that he moved his hand to rub against her lace underwear. He couldn’t believe the sight in front of him. Y/N had her eyes squeezed shut as she let out quiet moans at the way his fingers were moving against her core. Sirius’ lips trailed down her throat as he considered what was happening. There Y/N was, underneath him, her arousal pooling in his hands, and her breaths showing just how desperately she needed him, and yet he couldn’t go through with what he wanted. Sirius opened his eyes and - somehow surprisingly to Y/N - pulled away, heaving. But Y/N figured if he wasn’t going to respond to her physical hints, she would just use her words.

“We don’t have to stop,” Y/N mumbled, resting her hand on his cheek as she stared into the swirling storm of his eyes.

“No, that’s okay.” Taken aback by his brashness, Y/N let a few minutes pass before she spoke. Everything in her mind was telling her it was a bad idea to voice her concerns, but she had to at least communicate with her fucking boyfriend.

“Sirius?”

“Yes, love,” Sirius was looking out the window, his arms now extended behind him propping him up.

“Why won’t you fuck me?” Sirius’ eyes snapped up to Y/N’s, a look of pure shock on his face. She wanted to run away and never meet his eyes again, but she held her ground. This was normal. Couples talked.

“I- what? I’m not not - I don’t,” Sirius blabbered before he was cut off by Y/N.

“Don’t bother denying it. I mean you’ve been avoiding doing anything past making out, which is fine! I just… i just wanna know why, is all.” Her gaze was stuck on the ground as she whispered the last part.

“I don’t know what to say,” Sirius said, dumbfounded.

“Um, I guess - well, are you uncomfortable? Are you not ready yet?” Y/N’s suggestion was innocent, but all Sirius heard were accusations. Sirius wasn’t necessarily the most mature lad and Y/N implying he was nervous about having sex (one of the things he prided himself on knowing best) seemed like an attack to his pride.

“What? Of course not. I am not the least bit unready.”

“Oh, great then! If you’re worried about me, then you don’t need to be. I’m ready too, Sirius. I really want you.” FUCK. Sirius’ bloody ego had gotten in the way of his only decent excuse as to why he wouldn’t have sex with his own girlfriend. Who was now even closer to Sirius, a welcoming smile on her face.

“N-no. I mean I’m ready but…”

Y/N stared at Sirius unsure of what to do. This was definitely the most awkward moment the two had found themselves in in all the years they had known each other. Staring for a couple more seconds, Y/N leaned closer only to have Sirius lightly push her back.

“Siri-”

“I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, Y/N!” He had uprooted from his spot and was now staring down at the girl, making her feel like an irritating child. She slowly rose up from her spot, tears now brimming her eyes as she looked at Sirius.

“Oh… so it’s me.”

“No.” Upon her eyes looking at him with a little more hope he quickly sputtered out, “I mean, yes. Yes, it’s you.” And just like that, tears were streaming down her face. She quickly ran around the slender boy, invisibility cloak be damned. Sirius’ shouts be damned.

The next morning, Y/N had decided what had to be done. She greeted Lily with a smile as she normally would. She got ready for class as she normally would. And went down to meet up with Remus (who had a tendency to wake up late, just like her) as she normally would.

As the two friends talked casually, Remus didn’t even realize Y/N had sat down next to him in the Great Hall. But everyone else had. Y/N and Sirius had sat next to each other since second year. James claimed one side of Sirius’ while Y/N claimed the other. Even James had at times sat in other spots around the table, whether it was to try (and fail) to charm Lily or to tease Peter and Remus. But Y/N had never sat anywhere but next to Sirius and Sirius next to Y/N.

As the werewolf and witch’s laughter finally died down, they looked up to see the whole table staring at them. It was at that moment that Remus noticed the empty spot to the left of the boy across from him. His eyes shifted back to the girl next to him, watching as she quietly ate her food.

“So, Y/N,” James began, a questioning look in his brown eyes. “Don’t wanna sit next to your boyfriend today?”

Sirius’ eyes were already trained on Y/N and the solemn look on his face couldn’t be missed. Her eyes met his for a fraction of a second before turning to James, a polite smile on her face as she replied.

“Don’t have a boyfriend to sit next to,” She deadpanned. The clash of a fork was heard and now everyone, but the one person he wished was, was staring at Sirius. Unbeknownst to Y/N his eyes had gathered tears and he was looking at her as if his world had turned dark. Which it had. Her words had extinguished any form of light and now he was just wandering blind. He quickly shot up from his seat, looking frantically at the faces around him before running out of the Great Hall, ignoring his friend’s requests to slow down.

“What the fuck was that, Y/N?” Y/N had expected James to be the one to shout at her, even Remus maybe. But when she recognized the voice as that of Lily’s her eyes shot up and she furrowed her brows. Had she really messed up? It might’ve been dramatic, but she didn’t think it was uncalled for. He didn’t want to be with her, she was cutting him loose. But the way Lily was staring at her, the judging glare she reserved for everyone but Y/N, made her question whether her ploy of embarrassing Sirius was worth it. But she was also upset. Maybe irrationally, but genuinely upset. So she shrugged her shoulders and continued to eat.

The rest of the day had gone by at an alarmingly slow pace. Y/N’s head was pounding the entire day and all she wanted was to crawl into her bed. She hadn’t seen Sirius in any of their classes and Remus had informed her that he hadn’t attended other classes either. She felt guilty at his words, but she didn’t let it show as she told him she didn't really care what Sirius was up to. The worst part of the day was that while everyone seemed to be treating her normally - granted a little cautiously - her best friend had been giving her the cold shoulder. Since when had Lily become a fan of Sirius? The two shared a strong friendship, but she had warned Y/N at the start of her relationship that Black wasn’t the type of guy you trusted with your heart. Of course, at that time she had been referring to the fact that he often only sought out relationships with girls that ended in him receiving a sexual favor. Ah, the irony of it all.

With Lily giving her the silent treatment and her growing headache, Y/N had opted to stay in her dorm for dinner. Instead, she decided to take a short nap to keep her from feeling everything she felt right now.

“Wake up.” The voice that woke Y/N up from her sleep was harsh and belonged to none other than Lily Evans. As Y/N slowly sat up, Lily pointed to the plate of food she had brought her before exiting the room. It wasn’t fair. Sirius probably had all his mates with him consoling him (or rather cheering him on for his new found freedom) and Y/N didn’t even have the one person she was meant to. Sighing, she picked at her food and had a small conversation with Alice who had stopped by for a bit. Y/N could tell she was dying to ask her about the break up, but was refraining. One thing she could definitely go her entire life without dealing with, was the rumors she was bound to hear the next day.

It had been a couple hours since Lily had left the plate with Y/N and Y/N’s ability to sleep had seemed to disappear. Which meant it was just her and her thoughts. She wondered if Sirius was okay. No person, let alone a man like Sirius, would be happy with the way she had ended things with him. She felt stupid for caring about what he felt. He basically said Y/N was sexually repulsive. The boy that fucked anything with legs, had said he didn’t want to sleep with her. The boy that was supposed to make her feel special.

Yet, all she could think about was that her notes wouldn’t be good enough today to give him for the classes he had missed. And she hoped that he had ate a proper lunch because in the last week him and Peter (who had been missing with Sirius at lunch) had been too busy playing stupid pranks to eat proper meals. She also wondered if he had talked to any other girls. She knew plenty of girls, even some of her friends, that had put their plans of seducing Sirius on hold because of her new relationship. Feeling the little bit of food she had managed to consume travel back up, she forced herself off her bed heading to the common room. She had to distract herself.

She noticed her friends in one corner of the room, but when Lily’s cold gaze met hers she looked away and headed to another corner. She was lucky enough to find a few of her other friends to converse with. She hadn’t really put much input in the conversation, but she listened carefully to what her friends said in hopes that their gossip would distract her.

“Y/N.”

Y/N’s eyes trailed up to meet Remus’ soft ones and a sympathetic smile on his face. He nodded his head to the other corner of the room, indicating for her to follow him. She slowly followed him, her nimble fingers playing with the frayed edges of her cardigan.

“First of all, missy,” Started James a mischievous smirk on his face. “You are not allowed to just sit away from us. Even if some of us are being unnecessarily harsh.” Y/N’s eyes widened slightly as she realized he was referring to Lily. His Lily. But in that moment she was too grateful to worry, especially when he lovingly wrapped his arms around her shoulder letting her rest her head on his chest. She mumbled an apology and wrapped her arms around the torso of the boy that had treated her just like a sister since first year.

“‘s no problem, bug. Just don’t make the same mistake twice.” She nodded her head, falling back asleep within minutes. When she woke up, James wasn’t holding her anymore and instead she was wrapped in a soft cashmere blanket on the same loveseat. It took her eyes a moment to adjust to the darkness, but when they did she had the breath knocked out of her. Across from her, on a slightly longer sofa, was the boy that had just been in her dreams. Sirius looked different from in her dreams, he appeared troubled even in his sleep. But beautiful nonetheless.

Y/N quietly walked over to where he was laying, crouching next to him. She knew it was wrong but all she wanted was to feel his skin under the tips of her finger. She carefully moved the hair that had matted to his forehead behind his ear. She didn’t miss the way he was sweating and the smell of fire whiskey that left his open mouth. But she stayed right there next to him, tracing her fingers lightly across his cheek. Y/n wished she could freeze time right there. Because this way, he wasn’t bothered by her and she could have him right by her side.

“You lost the right to touch me when you broke up with me,” Sirius’ rigid voice startled Y/N and she quickly pulled her hand back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were up. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have,” her words left her mouth in a rush. Hastily, she began to head for the stairs but Sirius caught her wrist before she could leave.

“Don’t go. Please.” The vulnerability in Sirius’ voice was enough to make her turn around. He was still laying on the sofa and he made no effort to explain himself. He just looked straight into her eyes, the fireplace casting shadows across his face. Her wrist was itching from his touch and her eyes burning from his stare. She swallowed her nerves and sat at the end of the sofa, releasing herself from his grip.

“I shouldn’t have been so childish this morning,” Y/N murmured, her eyes looking straight at the fireplace. She shifted her gaze to look at him knowing she had to do this. “I’m sorry for the way I ended things, I should’ve done it in a more mature way.”

“You shouldn’t have done it at all.” Y/N would’ve scoffed if it wasn’t for the fact that Sirius looked like he was one wrong move away from falling apart.

“That isn’t fair, Sirius,” Her voice rose slightly, but she recognized that the common room wasn’t the right place for her to unleash all her emotions. “You can’t expect me to stick around when you don’t even want me.”

Sirius simply sighed, using his arms to get up and bringing his knees to his chest. “You’re crazy stupid, love.”

Y/N was ablaze with anger now and was about to get up before deciding against it. She was going to speak her mind, no running away from this.

“Yah, I’m so crazy for not wanting to be in a relationship where the guy I love doesn’t even want to have sex with me.” She was so angry she didn’t even realize what she had said.

“I love you too,” The raven haired boy replied, breathlessly.

“What?”

“You said you love me. Do you mean it?” Y/N cursed under her breath before looking at her lap as tears began to fall from her eyes.

“Yes, Sirius. I love you,” The tears were falling harder now but she persisted. “But don’t lie to me. If you don’t love me, that’s okay. But stop pretending you do,” she was sobbing now. Her whole body was racking with sobs as she brought her hands up to cover her face. The long forgotten headache was slowly creeping back into her head and all she wanted was for it all to stop. But apparently the universe had other plans for her, because she was now being wrapped into the arms of the one person she wanted to get the farthest away from but also impossibly close to.

“I would never lie to you,” Sirius began, rubbing the young girls back. “Especially not about this. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I love you so much, Y/N. I don’t think you could ever understand how much I need you.”

The young girl didn’t respond, instead just letting her heart pour itself out in the arms of the boy who was squeezing it. Eventually, she pulled back from Sirius. He felt cold. Despite the fire that was lit right next to them, he felt so cold without the contact of her body.

“How,” she sniffled. “How can you love me but say what you said last night? Do you think I’m unattractive? Or is it something I do?” Sirius had never seen the girl so unsure of herself. She almost always exuded confidence. Authentic confidence. He couldn’t believe that the girl he was meant to make feel secure, was doubting herself because of him.

“Listen to me, Y/N. You are the sexiest girl I have ever seen. And that’s not just some bullshit I’m spewing to make you feel better. No, I mean you are literally the sexiest girl in all of Hogwarts and I am yet to find someone more attractive than you in any other place I’ve spent time. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible. You’re so fucking hot that - Merlin, this is embarassing - in fourth year I had my first wet dream about you.” At this the girl in front of him couldn’t contain the chortle that left her throat.

“What?”

“I know, it’s so fucking embarassing. I never told you because I thought if I expressed how attractive I thought you were it would ruin our friendship.”

“Oh,” sensing the forlorn feelings creeping back into her mind, Sirius continued.

“But you’re also beautiful. Like heaven and the stars above on earth, ethereally beautiful. Do you remember last year, when you, Lily, me and the boys went to that muggle ball over summer holiday. The one Lily took us to? I, um, actually one moment,” Sirius without another explanation ran up the stairs. However, within seconds he ran back down a book in his hand. “You can’t tell anyone but I have a journal-”

“You have a diary?

“A journal.”

“I like when guys write in diaries.”

“It’s a diary, actually,” Sirius smirked when he saw a bigger smile spread across her face. He wouldn’t stop till he got one that met her eyes. “Well, this is my diary from fifth year. On the day we went to the ball, I wrote quite a lengthy entry - I’m sure you remember a lot happened that night. But, I wrote this first. I think I might be fucked. I’ve never doubted how attractive Y/N is, but today was different. She looked like an angel. I mean a literal angel. Her dress was gold and it had one of those necklines that makes a v-shape. That’s probably what they’re called actually. But, by Godric, she looked so gorgeous. When she was walking down Lily’s stairs to meet up with the boys and I, I had to pinch myself. I actually pinched myself, because I thought I was at my bloody wedding. A wedding?! Why the fuck did I think I was marrying my best friend? How is it humanly possible to be that beautiful?’”

“A wedding?” Y/N’s eyes were blown wide, as she looked at Sirius with worry.

“Don’t worry, love. We both know I have a tendency to be a bit dramatic We can table the wedding talk for a few years from now,” He winked, and this time he heard the laugh she let out. “What I’m trying to say, Y/N, is that your looks are not even in the question. Neither is anything you're doing. Which by the way can I just ask, how are you so good at that shit?”

Her cheeks flushed and she was glad that it was dim in the room. Ignoring his question she proceeded with one of her own, “Then why, Sirius? If you’re ready and I’m ready and your diary knows that, why don’t you want to sleep with me?”

“I do, more than anything. I don’t know why I didn’t just say that yesterday,” Upon receiving a skeptical look, he continued to explain himself. “I want to be with you in that way and in every way possible, but I don’t want to rush it. Not because I’m nervous, per say, but because that’s what I always do.”

“Baby,” Sirius shifted closer as he heard the endearment leave Y/N’s lips. “I know you're more experienced than me, but that doesn't bother me. I’m not going to think that I’m just another one of your conquests, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“That was one thing I was worried about, but I also just think I need to take it slow for me. I’ve never had a girlfriend before. You had that one git early last year,” He grumbled, eliciting an even louder laugh from you. “But, I’ve never been in anything serious. And I think I need to assure myself that I can build a connection - a romantic one, that is - outside of sex. I’m quite shit at communicating, as we have gathered from recent events. I need to work on stuff like that first I think.”

The y/e/c eyed girl felt her heart swell as the words left his mouth and it took everything in her not to throw herself on top of him.

“Are you upset?” It was Sirius’ turn to basfully face away, as he awaited a response.

“How could I be?” Y/N moved closer to Sirius so that they were both face to face and her hands grabbed his. “I’ve been blessed with the best boyfriend in the world.” Sirius’ ears perked up at her words.

“Boyfriend?”

“If you’ll forgive me? I should’ve tried to understand you better. I shouldn’t have been so rash.”

“Wasn’t only your fault, I definitely had my part to play.”

“Hmm,” She hummed. She pulled at his hand in a way that indicated she wanted to lay down. He pulled her into his chest as she continued. “In that case, we can work on it while building our connection.”

“I like the sound of that,” Sirius nuzzled his chin into her hair, before resting his cheek over her head. “Now, tell me. How was your day without the amazing Sirius Black?”

“Oh, Sirius,” she started, already feeling better that she could vent to him. “It was utter shit. I mean not only did I not have you, Lily was so angry with me. All of the boys were so sweet, but Lily wouldn’t even look at me.”

“Shit.”

“What?”

“Um, I might’ve told only Lily everything I just said to you, this morning. And I might’ve left out my harsh words last night.”

“Sirius!” Y/N tried to hit her fist against his chest, but he caught it easily.

“I’m sorry! The boys wouldn't have understood what I was saying. I’m actually the most sensible of the bunch.”

“Okay, well that just isn’t true. But too bad, Lily’s my best friend, you get the three boys that barely make one brain together and I get the smartest girl in our year. Do you understand?” She sassed, only a little mirth evident in her voice.

“Yes ma'am,” Sirius grumbled.

“Good.”

“You’re wrong by the way,” Sirius spoke, continuing upon seeing Y/N’s confused stare. “You’re the smartest girl in our year.”

She rolled her eyes before replying, “I can’t be the sexiest and the smartest girl.”

“That’s why you’re so amazing, you defy the odds!” At his compliment, the girl simply mumbled for him to shut up and he pulled her closer.

“Y/N, can you say it again?” She didn’t have to ask him what he meant. She knew.

“I love you, Sirius,” She whispered, pressing a kiss against his clothed shoulder. “I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too, darling.”

“I love you.”

#sirius black #sirius black angst #sirius black x reader #sirius black imagine #marauders fanfiction #maruders x reader #harry potter #young sirius black #ben barnes #sirius black one shot #sirius x reader #sirius black fanfiction

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keiscait · 4 years ago

Note

hey, may i please request a bedroom matchup LOL 😏

she/her, bisexual (men over women (unless it's a big tittie goth gf)

sagittarius sun and virgo rising

ravenclaw 😏

sexual: i like being the top. call me mommy LOL. i also like being topped, i have a major knife kink 😏 im in charge most of the time, however it can change every now and then. when i'm the bottom i want my partner to spit in my mouth 🧎‍♀️ neck and ear bites plz 😏 i'm very vocal 👹👹

things i look for in a partner:

-LOYALTY!!1!1!2!2'

-has to have a good sense of humor

-chill

-very understanding

personality: i'm very outgoing and friendly to most people, but i keep my friend group small. i'm the loud friend of the group and i'm always trying my best to make my friends laugh. i say really weird things at the most random times and i often look really high so people think i'm on something. i'm a good leader though and take charge in the three sports i'm in. (i'm varsity captain in one of my sports!!)

appearance:

plans for future: i'm currently a senior in high school and i plan on going into the national guard or air force when i graduate :). the military will pay for college and i plan on either going into the criminal justice field or information technology field :p

music taste: literally everything except for country. you can catch me listening to dr dre, schoolboy q, blackstreet, and kendrick lamar one minute and then queen the next. i also love my female rap artists 👏👏 90s rock and rnb are also a must. i listen to 00's club music on a regular 😏

Hello and welcome, my dearest Bri! AND ADVANCED HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Wish I could bake you a cake, but all I can do is send some love (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* Let’s get right to it then! ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

Look who we have here, hon!

Suna Rintarou! (Runner up: Kageyama Tobio)

Suna here has a really cold and icy demeanor, which I think has to be balanced out by outgoing people (like the Miya twins). He likes to act like this dark and brooding person, but deep down, he’s actually just a little gremlin like most of us.

- Okay okay, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I already know that you’re a Suna stan, but I genuinely could not think of anybody who matches your personality description better, the two of you would just be *aggressive chefs kiss*

- I’m kinda getting an enemies-to-lovers-ish vibe with this dynamic, but also like a partners-in-crime-to-lovers type of deal. Either way, it’ll start out a little bit chaotic

- Has a crush on you immediately, I just KNOW it, but he won’t realize this until later on, and may even totally deny it to himself

- He doesn’t really know when exactly he starts catching feelings for you, but the realization probably hits him when he sees you going about your daily activities

- You could be doing any of your extra curriculars - basketball, track, or marching band - and he sees how much you enjoy it, or maybe even after you just said one of your random thoughts. Whatever makes him feel like he’s getting to know you a little bit better

- it’s when you laugh right after, and suddenly he feels like he’s just been spiked a ball in the face, and he just audibly goes “ah shit.”

- Has no fucking clue what to do at first KDHFKSJHL someone pls help him!!!

- He ends up being a little awkward when he tries to do anything about it, and it’ll all just feel so unnatural HAHAH

- “Let me carry your bag” “No Rin it’s fine I can--” *pries your bag from your hands with way too much force*

- in his mind he’s like “Ah yes that went perfectly 😌”

- he tries to communicate his feelings in little ways like this, hoping you’ll catch on

- No, Suna Rintarou, poking fun at someone is not a declaration of love, but nice try!

- he’ll get so frustrated if you don’t catch on (or maybe you do, and you just want him to say something first), and eventually will straight up yell tell you how he feels

- once you two are together, he’ll still try to act he’ll try to keep up his icy exterior, but trust me, he’s completely whipped for you

- SHARED PLAYLISTS!!!!

- Appreciates that you keep your friend group small, because at the end of the day, he’s still a pretty reserved guy

- Admires your leadership qualities, and will not be insecure and toxic about it, despite what other people believe. He honestly wishes he could be more like you, in that sense

- He’ll be your # 1 fan in everything you do. Will support whatever it is that you want to achieve, and will cut any bitch who tries to get in your way

- boy is in LOOOOOVE

- If he ever gets mad or annoyed at you, just give him the smallest peck on his cheek, and he’ll be all putty in your hands again

- Likewise, I think he’d be so good at making you blush too. It’s not all the time that he does this, but when he does, it’s 1000000% effective

- A FRICKING TEASE SKJDHFDSJFGLSGJ CHANGE MY MIND

- Honestly I love this dynamic so much that I wanna make him your bedroom matchup too, but I feel like that would be a cop out

You were exhausted.

It was never easy juggling all the activities that you took part in - each of them was truly a labor of love. Today was particularly draining because it was, after all, your birthday, and it just HAD TO fall on a weekday. You plonked on your bed and started scrolling through your phone.

Your tight-knit group of friends continued to send you birthday wishes, despite having already done so when you saw them earlier that day. They had sung to you and let you blow out a birthday candle - it was all they could do, given your busy schedules. You looked forward to the weekend you had planned with them and your boyfriend, Rintarou.

Speaking of Rin, you thought to yourself, as a message notification from him popped up.

- You’re already home, right?

- Yeah! Just got here. So tired

- That’s too bad. I was gonna ask you to open the door for me but I guess I’ll just go home

You ran to your front door faster than you expected you could manage, and there stood Suna, a balloon and a box of pizza in hand. He pretended to walk away slowly, making you giggle before you grabbed him and dragged him inside.

He pressed a soft kiss to your temple. “Happy birthday, babe.”

You were giddy, not expecting him to show up. “I thought we were gonna wait til the weekend for my celebration??”

“Do you not know me by now?” he chuckled. “As if I’d let today pass without doing anything about it.”

You smiled and looked at him for a few seconds. He rarely looks so sincere, and so warm, and you just wanted to drink up every last drop of this moment.

He teased, “But y’know, I guess if you’re too tired, I can totally scarf down this pizza by myself.”

You groaned before dragging him to your room and setting up the playlist you guys worked on together, getting ready for a night in.

I hope that was alright, bb! Let’s make our way to the bedroom now ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

For some private time, I’ve invited over...

Oikawa Tooru! (Runner up: Suna Rintarou)

Despite how other people believe he’s a dom, I think he’d be a switch, at best. I think in the bedroom, he’d love to let his partner take control, just as much as loves having his way with them.

- What really gets this fucker going is pleasing people - and who would he love to please more than his s/o?

- He loves how your confidence translates into your bedroom behavior

- I headcanon that he easily falls apart in bed, and would gladly do so for his partner

- He is s e n s i t i v e. Touch him, kiss him, grab him EVERYWHERE

- LOUD, but a lot of it is trying to get his partner to be even louder

- How does this man have both a praise kink and a degradation kink? Idk but I’m so sure he has both

- Would be totally onboard with your knife kink. He’s super into sensory play

- Speaking of which

- BLINDFOLD HIMMMM SKDJHFSDJFK THAT WOULD BE A SIGHT TO BEHOLD

- Once you ask him to take charge, I think he would still be a service dom

- Knows all your sensitive spots. Made sure to take note of them so that he can get you back for all the times you hit his sweet spots

- Loves mouth stuff. His mouth. Your mouth. Putting stuff in them. Tongue stuff. Loves all of it

- Great at aftercare, just a bit flashy with it. Kind of makes a show of what he’s doing but in the most adorable way

- Delicate with how he handles you after. Or if you’re the one giving him aftercare, would praise you the whole time

- Will hold you til you fall asleep 🥺

As a little extra gift, I wanted to give you a dressing room matchup too!

I think your gorgeous face would look SO GOOD with...

Miya Atsumu! WHAT AN INSANELY GOOD LOOKING COUPLE YOU WOULD MAKE

That’s it for now, darling! I hope that was worth all the waiting you did. Thank you for being such a wonderful housemate - don’t hesitate to chat with me anytime. Advanced happy birthday again! (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭*

Thanks for stopping by! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

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the-shield-of-infinity-writing · 7 years ago

Text

Losing a part of what you are: (Request)

Prompt: A Peter Parker imagine pls? His gf Y/N got kidnapped by Hydra.She is also like family to the rest of the avengers.They find her&bring her back.But shes not the same.When Steve found her she tried to attack him.Hydra put a false memory in her head where she things that Hydra is good&the avengers bad.When peter goes in the cell tony keeps her Y/N remembers him for a second&tells him to get out cause she doesnt want to hurt him. She attacked the others but not him. You can end it how you want--Anonymous

Note: Torture, memory lost, descriptive violence, no happy endings, Angst

Words: 1440

Requested by: Anonymous

“What! What do you mean (Y/N) was taking!!” Peter demanded to Tony who was suiting up to go with the others and get her from the Hydra base she had been taken to. “Peter stay here.” Tony said as Peter’s eyes widened. “Excuse me? (Y/N) is my girlfriend! I have to go after her!” He exclaimed when Tony stopped him by placing a gloved hand over Peter’s chest.

“And (Y/N) is my responsibility. Now do as I say and stay. Here.” Tony spoke sternly as Peter opened his mouth to protest before sighing as he flopped down onto the communal couch. “Fine.” He huffed angrily as Tony’s helmet came over his head. “Avengers move out.” He commanded before the roof opened up as he took off, leaving Peter at the complex alone. He was upset, but mostly worried for the love of his life as he glanced out the window, watching the Quinjet leave.

(Y/N) struggled against the bonds of the chair when she looked up to see an older man towering over her. “W-What do you want for me?” She asked as he smiled. “You are important to the Avengers. You are stronger than any of them, but you don’t show your full potential.” He explained as (Y/N) growled, struggling harder when they started connecting wires to her head.

“Get off me! Go away!” She cried when he gripped her by the hair and yanked back, holding her still as she hissed at the burning sensation from her scalp. Her eyes snapped shut when he finally let go of her hair as she panted softly, tears brimming her waterline. When she finally opened her eyes she looked to see the guy smirking down at her causing her to swallow. “Turn on the machine boys. She’s ready.” He said, taking a step back as fear consumed (Y/N)’s body.

Her hands were trembling as they gripped the metal chair tightly before this agonizing pain of what felt like her skull was being slowly ripped open and hot water was being pour over it. She let out a scream of pain as blood trickled down from her nose while her eyes snapped shut from the intense spasm through her brain. Suddenly she stopped moving altogether as she slumped in the chair when the agent stopped the machine.

“It is done.” He said to the older man who smirked down at her. “Excellent. Unlock her and we need to leave.” He said as they nod collecting their things before unlocking her from the chair. “The Avengers will be here in five minutes.” He said the older man who looked to him before looking to her. “Don’t worry. She’ll stop them long before they get to us.” He chuckled before they all went out the back entrance.

The moment they came out the Avengers kicked down the door and noticed (Y/N) sitting in the chair, unconscious. “Cap, get (Y/N).” Tony said detecting three lifesigns on his scanner. “Bucky, Natasha with me.” Tony said as Steve went up to her when suddenly a knife was shoved into his shoulder causing him to cry out. He was kicked backwards as he slammed heavily against the wall when everyone froze seeing the dark look in her eyes.

“Shit, what happened?” Tony asked. “It’s too late. They already broke her.” Bucky said before charging towards her as she jumped up onto the chair and flipped over him when he stopped her fist from hitting his side. Steve gripped the handle of the blade before ripping it from his shoulder as he growled softly in pain. “Tony, Clint and Natasha go after the others. Sam, Bucky and I will take care of (Y/N).” He said to them.

“But Steve--” Tony started to protest. “Go! Now!” He barked as the three went into action while Steve, Bucky, and Sam faced what use to be their friend. “You’ll all die!” She exclaims before kicking Bucky back against the chair when she turns and blocks Steve who tried to swing at her. They had been fighting for a good half an hour as Sam blocked her attacks.

“I can’t fight her. She’s just a kid!” He huffed as (Y/N) smirked. “You’re weak.” She said before breaking Sam’s arm at the elbow causing him to cry out. She was tackled to the floor by Steve as she struggled against him when he lifted up her head before snapping his eyes shut as it collided with the ground. Steve slumped before he panted for a moment, looking back to the other two who looked just as beaten as he felt. “Come on, we need to move her now.” He said as they nod.

The ride back on the Quinjet was quiet as Tony checked over her when he came to the front with the others. “She’s damaged… They took out all the good memories with us and implanted ones where we’re the bad guys. It’ll take me months before I figure out how to fix her.” He sighed softly slumping down into the pilot seat. “We can’t tell Peter.” Bucky said, sitting up. “He’ll find out eventually. He’s a smart kid.” Tony counters.

“Tony’s right, Bucky. We’ll just have to… put her in Loki’s old cell until we figure out something.” Steve explained. “So you’re going to keep her up like a caged animal?” Sam asked, frowning. “What else can we do Sam? If we let her out there she could kill a lot of people. She’s… She’s Hydra now.” Steve mumbled gripping the handles of the Quinjet. “It’ll be best for her to regain some things.” Bucky explained to him.

The rest of the ride home was in awkward silence. After they got back Steve, Bucky, and Natasha took (Y/N)’s unconscious form down to the holding cell. The moment the elevator opened to the communal room Peter shot off the couch and ran over to them. “Where’s (Y/N)? Is she okay?” He demanded almost immediately as Tony stepped out of the suit.

“Kid, calm down.” Tony placed his hands onto Peter’s shoulder when Peter quickly knocked them away. “Where. Is. (Y/N)?” He asked as Tony sighed softly. “You can’t see her right now Peter.” He murmured as Peter frowned. “What? Why not?” He asked causing Tony to wince. “Because she’s… She’s unstable.” Tony looked like he was questioning if he used the right wording. “Please Mr. Stark… I have to see her.” He said when Tony rubbed his temple for a moment.

“Alright, she’s downstairs in a holding cell until we figure out how to get rid of the Hydra implanted memories. Be caution Kid… She’s not the same person right now.” Tony explained, placing his hand on Peter’s shoulder as Peter nods before running to the elevator. He had to see her, had to make sure that she was okay, because now he was terrified from what Tony just told him.

The doors to the elevator opened and Peter went down to the hallway, seeing Steve, Bucky, Nick, and Natasha all standing there together. “(Y/N).” Peter called as the four look to him. “Kid, wait. I think you shouldn’t see her right now.” Bucky said as he pushes past him. “Let him.” Nick said before anyone could stop him. He saw her in the cell, sitting with her head between her knees as he swallowed softly. “(Y-Y/N)?” He asked, placing his hand on the glass.

(Y/N) looked up with a murderous glare before her eyes immediately softened at the boy standing in front of her. Memories of them laughing together, kissing, holding hands, and everything flooded her mind as her eyes widened. “P-Peter?” She asked as they four at the doorway to the cells froze when they heard her call Peter’s name. “Yeah (Y/N), it’s me. Peter… Your boyfriend.” He gave her a dorkish grin when she smiled back before shaking her head.

“Peter, you need to leave. Like right now.” Her voice started to tremble as tears flooded her eyes. “What? No, I’m not going anywhere!” Peter snapped. “Please! I don’t want to hurt you! I attacked the others I--” She covered her ears and cried out as Steve and Bucky came down, grabbing Peter. “Stop! Let go of me! Please! Wait! (Y/N)!!” Peter cried out, feeling tears of his own trickling down his face as they dragged him towards the door when (Y/N) looked up at him with an expressionless face. “Hail Hydra.” She spat in a monotone before the shut, closing Peter off from the one he loved.

Permanent Tag: @kanupps06 @lehumbletrashcan @hortonhearsahoeblr @madamrubrum @tillielynn16 @ididntasktogetmadedidi @eliza-hamilton-helpless @archy3001 @inselaire @breezy1415 @tremendouslyelegantstrawberry @donttalktomewhenimreading @txcountrybelle @i-am-a-dragon @abbywro-blog @shayna-winchester @doctorcelina @impossiblepizzapeace @ek823

#Request #Losing a part of what you are #Peter Parker #Peter Parker x Reader #Peter Parker fanfiction #Peter Parker fic #Reader x Peter Parker #x Reader #Reader insert #Hydra!Reader #Captured by Hydra #Feels #Angst #Torture #No happy ending

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talesfromacrip · 5 years ago

Text

Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

———

they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

———

he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7. YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

—��—

———

would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

———

I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

———

I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

———

I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

———

"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

———

I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

———

I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #ableism #internalized ableism #anxiety #tw

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