#bought and decorated a whole apt just for some of those

[karoiseka]

Forgotten Home

Spoilers for End of 5.0-takes place 5.1-2 ish. ((This is finally digging into a bit more of Karo’s backstory.  I really took my time with this one, and am very proud of it.  Hope you enjoy!))

The Twelveswood felt different. That was the only way Karoiseka could describe it.  The First was saved, and she was back on the Source again, giving an update to the Scions still here, but had felt a pull to the woods just to the South of Camp Tranquil.  The forest giants of years past had given way to a younger growth bordering Thanalan, the warm air from the desert colliding with the cool shade under the trees.  She could feel Ardbert's curiosity at what they were doing there, paired with her own.  The paths she had walked most of her life held an extra forgotten meaning that was clawing its way back into her memories. This wasn't just a hunting trail, like so many others, there--beneath the tall oak--she could remember her first hunting kill with her new larger bow, a gift from-- 

There was almost a physical pain as the forgotten memory surfaced, almost an Echo manifestation, and she could see a snapshot of the moment, Seirlait--her Da--proudly standing nearby.  Her heart ached as she saw his face in her mind as clear as it had been that day. As clear as it had been when she had waved good-bye to them-both her fathers- a smile on her face as they headed out to help with the preparations for the clash at Carteneau as she stayed to look after the cabin.  How? How had she forgotten them? Da and Pa both, the memories assailing her senses as feet tore along the trail heading to a destination her mind had not reconciled yet. 

There- that tree had been so good for climbing.

The little stream that held such wonders to the small child she once was. 

That clearing holding the best herbs for the evening stew to be cooked over the fire.

Tiny fingers weaving a flower crown, placing it triumphantly on Feophaux's (Pa’s) head.

The boughs of a willow creating a curtain to play hide and seek in--learning more skills from both her fathers. 

The perfect reading nook nestled high in the treetops with just enough light.

Eyes unseeing of the present, Karo lived in the flashbacks of her past as every step closer to- closer to home.  The word burned in her mind as a beacon, blinding her to all else. Was this what she had been seeking all these years? Wasn't that the Rising Stones?  Hadn’t she found her other home in the Crystal Tower on the First?  She vaguely remembered in her unforgotten recollections the Highlander and Duskwight, eyes full of grief as they watched her escape the cabin that she had lived in after the Calamity--and before she now knew again.  The pain in their voices as they pleaded with her to remember them, and the anguish when she told them to stop calling her their daughter.  She left shortly after, headed to Gridania to find her own way, adrift with scant more than the short bow she had been teaching-reteaching-herself to use, and a small pack. 

The Calamity.  It had to have been the catalyst of the memory loss, for she could see clearly now that nothing but muscle memory and a vague sense of what felt right were all that had remained from before that fateful day.  Now she wondered what had changed again, even as the sheepish feeling from Ardbert guided her to an answer.  The shock of living through the initial seventh rejoining of souls must have triggered the amnesia in the first place, her mind blocking the trauma of the moment.  The acceptance and welcoming of Ardbert's soul to her own had healed all those splintered parts, even those that were unknown to her to begin with.  It had taken time to come back to her, and a slightly longer stay on the Source than she had taken in a long while, but now that the trickle had started, the dam was broken--her mind filled with all that she had forgotten.  Ardbert ensured that they didn't stumble through the frantic rush she made down the trail--not caring about the tracks she was leaving in her wake. 

Malms later, her feet stopped and past and present collided as her eyes saw again. The small cabin was sealed tight against the elements, and the overgrowth in the garden and clearing spoke of no one having tended to them for at least two years. The Bard fell to her knees, a low keening sound filling the air--she vaguely recognized it as her own voice, grief overwhelming her.  The run, much less the mental exertion, had taken a huge chuck of energy from her, and Karo wept, broken at the sight of her childhood home--empty.

As the sun crawled across the sky, Karo slowly took in the details of the clearing.  Not much had changed in the years since she had left.  The garden was overgrown, but the perennial plants fought for their place among the weeds.  The archery targets were still affixed to the surrounding trees, all at different heights, some now hidden from the growth.  Bluebells covered the small meadow, and she remembered stubbornly throwing the seeds all over instead of planting them in neat rows in the flowerbeds because they were her favorite and she couldn't see the flowerbeds from her bedroom window.  Looking carefully, finally pacing forward on shaking legs, Karo noticed that the cabin was carefully secured--just as it had been every time they had left for their summer journey.  The only thing that concerned her was that it looked as if they hadn't been back in at least one winter--maybe even two or three--not even passing through during the warmer months. 

Digging into her newfound memories, she spun and headed to the tree that was surrounded by the most bluebells.  The archery target there was still attached to one of the lower branches, but the Bard still had to climb a bit to reach it.  Fiddling with the back of it, the small compartment made itself known, and the prize ended up in her nimble fingers.  The front door key.  Jumping down, she forced herself to walk fully around the house, checking for any breaches that could mean that the house wasn’t secure, or that someone or something, was residing within.  Not finding even so much as something that would let a draft in, she braced herself and headed to the door.

The key slid into the lock, and only needed a slight bit of jiggling to get it to turn, the door itself stiff from disuse and the hinges creaking with the rust buildup.  Karo was hit with the sweet smell of dried lavender, vanilla, and sweet cedar; all the smells she remembered that hearkened to what home meant.  The curtains being drawn left the main room in shadows, the light from the doorway streaming into the air laden with the dust she had kicked up by entering.  The cabin was one main room split with partitions into areas for cooking, dining, and leisure.  There was a bedroom for her fathers off to one side, and a small bathing chamber on the other.  The tiny loft above the bath area had been hers to claim, curtains creating a small wall for her privacy.

Leaving the door open for the light, and to air the place out a bit, Karo started to open the curtains to let in more natural light before she looked around for any clues to where Seirlait and Feophaux had disappeared to.  Absentmindedly, she headed to the kitchen sink, and ran the tap for a few moments, letting the components loosen up and water to come back through the pipes since it had obviously been a while.  Grabbing a rag, she wet it with the first bit of water that came through, and wiped down the counters, removing the thin layer of dust that had gathered.  A quick peek at the pantry showed that beyond some items that kept for seasons, naught had been left.  That was normal enough, so she continued on to the all-purpose room.  The large fireplace on one end was one of two in the house that provided most of the heat in the winter, as well as some basic charms.  The wall was lined with books of all types, and one of the racks of shelves was full of supplies for writing, and hooks for instruments that had obviously gone wherever their owners were.  

Karo’s attention was pulled to her left, for there, lying on the table near the fireplace, was a folded piece of paper, her full name carefully written across it.  Hands shaking, she picked it up carefully, blowing dust off of it as she broke the seal on the back and started to read.

Dearest Karoiseka,

If you’re reading this, it means, we hope, that you have found your way back home and that beyond our wildest dreams that you have finally remembered all that occurred prior to Carteneau.  

After you left, we continued on best we could, despite missing you dearly.  We know that we had spent a long time at Carteneau helping to clean up and transport people all over Eorzea, but we had not anticipated you not remembering us at all or anything from your childhood.

Some time after you left, at least a year, we started hearing your name out of Gridania--how you were a bit of a local legend as an adventurer.  You had cleared out several dens of evil, and were becoming beloved by all that crossed your path.  Incredulous, we followed any scrap of information we could get, hearing about the Scion, Primals, and Garlean forces and your role in taking them down only made us fear for your safety.

Then came the accusations from Ul’dah.  None of which could be true.  Word of you dropped off except for hushed whispers, before rushing back in a whirlwind of fantastical stories of you bringing the Dragonsong War to an end in Ishgard.  We even made the trek to Mor Dhona hoping to catch a glimpse of you, but left before we did--partially because we feared you still wouldn’t recognize us.  We heard that you were part of the Scions of the Seventh Dawn there, and even talked with an Ironworks engineer who said he had worked with you before.  Knowing you were safe among friends eased our hearts for a bit as we headed home.

Another year passed and the uprisings in Ala Mhigo are now all that the city-states are talking about.  The Scions are said to be helping with the organization and negotiations , so we have decided to pack up for this year and help.  I know not if we shall cross paths while there, or if you will ever see this, but we must do what we can to help.  Not only for those that live there, but for you as well.  Knowing that we can hopefully take even a little of the burden off of your shoulders is all that we can hope to do.

We love you, and miss you, and pray that you stay safe and healthy through it all. 

~Da an Pa

A hot tear splashed onto the paper in her hands as Karo put together the timeframe that they had been gone.  They hadn't yet returned from the liberation of Ala Mhigo--and they had left near the beginning of the conflict, well over two years ago.  Considering they had taken almost five years to return from Carteneau, she shouldn't be much surprised.  They were probably helping courier refugees back home, and the wounded to the respective city-states.  She paced the length of the room, worrying for their safety throughout the conflict as well.  It had been extremely wide-spread with the Garlemald forces targeting anything and anybody they even thought were helping the Resistance.  She had seen it time and time again from the small villages and hamlets throughout the region in the aftermath as she tried to ease her own guilt from not being there for them and tried to help with the smallest of tasks from anyone who asked.  She knew logically she could only be in one place at a time, and that the forces she had been helping were the same.  If they hadn’t done what they had, there was a chance the country would still be occupied even now..

Had she seen them though? Walked right by with unseeing eyes?  Had they greeted her, only to get her strained public smile in return and a generic platitude--all that she could muster?  Had she passed by their graves not knowing who lay there?  She had talked to so many people all over the broken country, her mind raced, but all the faces were a blur.  She had spent plenty of time in Doma as well, not counting for all the travel back and forth, during that time-paths may have crossed, or may have been missed without even the chance of happening.  

Karo wasn’t sure how many times she re-read the pages, and wasn’t fully aware that she had curled up in the large armchair until the evening light hit her eyes streaming in from the still open door. Blinking blearily, she stood and lit a couple of the candles to provide some light in the growing dark.  The house had electricity, however, she didn’t feel like finding and turning on the generator quite yet.  She closed the door, and got a glass of water from the tap, scrounging for some trail rations that were still in her pack from earlier.  The Bard didn’t remember relinquishing her bow and pack at the door, but old habits die hard, and they were neatly hung by the door on the pegs meant for that very purpose.

Tucking the letter safely in her bag she cleaned up the small mess she had made and went to the washroom to clean her face of the salt-crusted tears that had dried there.  Not a thing had changed, towels and soap stored neatly away in the same places they always had been.   The vase on the sink, usually filled with wildflowers picked during the day, was empty for the time--and she longed to fill it and keep the room cheery, but knew not how long she would be there herself.  Responsibilities still loomed both here and on the First, her comrades bodies still laying still in the Dawn’s Respite.

As she climbed up to her loft, not much had changed since she had last been up here.  When her memories had first escaped her, she had stayed down in the main bedroom, not realizing that it wasn’t her’s.  The loft she had never quite gone up the ladder-like stairs, and so it remained very similar to when she last called it her own. The bed was made, but with an additional sheet covering it all to keep the dust off, ready to be used at a moment’s notice.  The hope that lived in her parent’s hearts nearly broke her own, as she caved to exhaustion finally, Ardbert’s comforting presence allowing her to drift off to sleep when she thought it was the furthest thing from her mind.  

On the morrow, Karo would write her reply and leave it where she had found her own letter, secure the cabin once more and return the key to it's hiding place.  She wouldn't forget again now that her soul was healed, yet her obligations would keep her busy, she knew.  When she had time, she would ask her various contacts, hoping beyond hope that someone has news, and if they didn't, that her note would be read, and that they would return once more to the Rising Stones, asking for her proudly by name. 

[snowflake-of-destruction]

Terraqua :))))))))

1. How do much do I ship it?: Never heard of it/ Notp / Dislike / used to ship / maybe / ship it / aww / otp / IS IT CANON YET?

This rating applies to canon. Just want to clarify, since I'm going to also talk headcanons for different AUs (go to the asterisk reference sections at the bottom if you want a little explanation of AUs)  in some answers, and, in those situations, feelings are different.

2. What non sexual activities do they like to do together?

KH Post Canon: Learning how to be adults together. I know it's not the most "fun" answer, and they deserve a break, but even if things stay stable, they aren't getting one as such. Aqua is now the Master in Residence at the Land of Departure and someone all the Guardians of Light will look to as an authority (and Yensid will reinforce it!) , and Terra will get a lot of the same treatment from multiple factions.

 Not only will the GoL look at him as someone knowledgeable (Him! The screw up who not only isn't a master but has a lot less off-world experience where he was actually conscious than most of his new comrades), but, when it comes to the recompleted former Org members, while it's clear he is definitely not "The Superior" and they don't want him to be, even those that glance by Roxas/Sora/Ventus etc. as green behind the ears or "kids" despite their experience are naturally inclined to view him as an equal and/or someone to ask guidance from even if only on a subconscious level because he shares Xemnas features. 

And neither has the first clue what they are doing. Hell, they lived sheltered with Eraqus and the Land of Departure Castle probably taking care of a lot of their needs. So, yeah, Aqua and Terra learn to cook together, hone vocabulary and speaking style to sound "like a real adult" and not like teenagers who are using bigger and bigger words to sound mature, practice how to lead meetings without voice shaking and how to make people feel heard (and refrain from interrupting with "you're wrong and also stupid because of Xyz"), read up on history and powers of old keyblade masters like they are cramming for exams (because even stuff they were taught by Eraqus...it's kind of been awhile), bitch together over how to simultaneously be 28 and 18, and basically bond over "fooling" everyone into thinking they are competent. 

Then they indulge in a bunch of "childish" things they never did because they were always in a rush to grow up when they were actually younger. They slide down bannisters and have food fights and swing from the rings in the training area, feet lifted and knees near to knocking the ground.

Lost Masters AU*: Finishing growing up in the Mysterious Tower under Yensid's comparatively lax supervision, obviously effected their hobbies as much as their outlook on life. They escaped often to the book(s) where Fantasia sleeps and so they are used to music made through flora, fauna, and movements of their own body. Creating symphonies that are part sparring, part dancing, part gardening and finding out what creates the best music was a passion and it carries on beyond the Tower and beyond having (snuck) access to Yensid's books. Even in adulthood, they both have a tendency to dance when nobody's watching, and, wherever they settle there is a carefully cultivated flower bed they can be found tending to (and humming to them the whole time, teaching them the notes they should be playing but mostly refuse to)  when not on mission.

Grass is Greener**:  If you asked the couple themselves this question, (more politely phrased of course because you don't say the phrase "nonsexual things" in conversation) Aqua would beam and talk about going out on the boat...that they don't own anymore (Xem bought it off baby sister out of pity. He drew the short straw between him and Ansem), and didn't use much when they did. Terra would shrug and say he hardly remembers anymore, honesty slipping out because he forgets to be guarded until Aqua grips his arm too tight and says that he's joking on his behalf. 

With some prompting, Terra will slowly come up with the latest Netlfix series they are binging...separately. Not that he'll say they watch separately, because that's not anyone else's business, and it's not even a reflection on their relationship, just like not remembering what they do for fun isn't as bad as it sounds (Is it? Now he'll brood too much on it). With Aqua working days that start early and Terra working mostly nights, they hardly see each other. Even before that, before Terra's breakdown, which he is more apt to explain away than she is if they ever talk about it (which they try not to at all costs), he was doing his residency at the hospital and worked a lot of odd hours. Med school is actually...wow...more of a blur than Terra realized....but they had fun? Once? Together? Since the college days? Of course they did. They have many activities together. Lots of stuff. Common interests. That's what they do. Common interests.

3. Who does chores around the house?

In General/Canonverse: Split right down the middle. Some tasks they trade off on, and some become full time assignments, like, for instance, Aqua cooks and Terra does the dishes. 

Grass is Greener: Terra. Period. It's not discussed, and Aqua would adamantly refute this, but in Terra's mind he has to do everything. He did even when he was working/studying to be a doctor. Aqua knows how blessed she is to have a husband that just full stop doesn't let her lift a finger (because he loves her! And he likes doing house things), but not fully. Eraqus is old money (and so was Aqua's mom, though she barely remembers her before she took off) and Xehanort's "new money" only bolstered it, and besides just living on that kind of cushion, she was the only child with Eraqus who also had to "make up" for being a single parent for awhile, and then the youngest child and only girl when the family became blended, so she was never made to do anything in her life and kind of still believes in the cleaning fairy. She knows housework is difficult, but in the same way she knows what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck now that she and Terra don't accept any help from Eraqus and Xehanort....just live in one of their houses (to take care of it for them!) without paying a dime even towards taxes and insurance much less rent...and Aqua's car insurance is paid for six months at a time as a birthday gift in the fall and an anniversary gift in the spring...but scorn handouts otherwise. 

4. Who’s the better cook?

Canonverse/General: Aqua. 

Lost Masters: Terra. It starts off being Aqua, but, you know, you forget a lot of things once you're a Nobody. 

Grass is Greener: Terra.  Though Aqua starts to catch up once they start a couple's cooking class that Terra keeps canceling on, leaving her to take Tifa or Aerith

5. Who’s the funniest drunk?

Aqua, all universes. Terra just gets very quiet and stares at the wall to make sure it doesn't move. Aqua becomes the life of the party. Not a small task, considering their friends.

6. Do they have kids?

Canonverse/In general: Absolutely, eventually, and more than one. It would vary story to story how many, the sexes, and the ages, but they will have at least two.

Lost Masters:  I wasn't planning on it, but damn if I don't now want to rework the timeline.

Grass is Greener: "When are you guys going to have kids?" That question is the bane of their existence. "You've been together for a long time." "You'd be such great parents." There's a lot of pressure, but no baby and there's not going to be.

7. Do they have any traditions?

Canon-verse: Even though Eraqus's grave is near enough they pass by it regularly, they (and Ventus) have a yearly celebration of remembrance of his life where they gather by the gravesite and tell stories. Over time they even get comfortable enough to share negative memories. It's not disrespectful. It's remembering the whole man and learning every lesson he taught. Terra and Aqua also go all out decorating the castle for solstices, though Terra takes lead with jokes about how the one time Aqua changed the castle's decor on her own she went a little overboard. Each year picking a different world they went to separately to vacation at and re-experience together in peace.

Grass is Greener: Beach vacation every year. This is carried on from Aqua's family who used to rent a condo on the beach for the first week or so of July (or, when they got older, multiple condos, next door units so there was some pretense of supervision, Aqua, Xemnas, and Ansem sometimes getting to invite friends to come meet them/stay over for part of the time). Aqua and Terra usually do a shorter time because of schedules.  They also go all out for Halloween, turning most of the house into a haunted house for touring Halloween and the preceding or following weekend--and Aqua actually does most of the work on this, it's a grand creative project.  Ansem's for New Year's. The Dads' for Thanksgiving. Christmas tree hunting for all the households with the Dads, Ansem, and Xemnas.  Terra's family for Christmas Eve dinner and service, and then Xemnas's for Christmas because The Dads passed hosting on to him. 

8. What do they fight about?

 Canon/General: Projecting their own insecurities/sensitivities on to each other and expecting to hear things the other would never say. Take care of yourself statements twisted into assuming Aqua is worried about Terra falling prey to darkness again. Observations that everyone seems to be re-adjusting well to relatively normal/new normal life read as "Stay out of their lives and stop meddling, Aqua. You're what causes things to go wrong" 

Lost Masters: There's only the one fight planned. I don't know what smaller fights may be. Aqua handles being passed over for Master while Terra advances worse than Terra does when the opposite happens in canon. It doesn't help that Yensid takes her demands to be given another test right away badly. Terra tries to comfort her. It does not go well. 

Grass is Greener: Fight? They don't fight. They didn't fight when Terra was struggling even in his first semesters in med school (with what he wanted in life more than with the program itself, but there was a fair bit of both), confided it to Aqua, and she gently reminded him of what The Plan was--the plan that so much work and her fathers' money when someone lost some of their scholarships was put toward. They didn't fight when Aqua threw her side of The Plan out and decided it would be fun to be a teacher instead of following after Xemnas and going to law school. They didn't fight when Terra discarded more of The Plan after even more work, money, and time wasted, and started bartending of all things when even if he wasn't going to be a doctor there were so many other careers he could build. It's temporary, Aqua tells herself. He's happier, Aqua tells herself. So she's happy for him and she will not mention it and they will not fight. They don't fight over kids, or lack of kids even though that was on The Plan too that they should have one already--so they could space them out and also because Aqua had calculated the optimal age. They don't fight over money. They don't fight over hardly getting to see each other and how one or the other always seem to be late or make other plans when they do schedule off nights to be together. They just simply never argue. They are happy. Couple goals.

9. What would they do if they found their paring tag on tumblr? (If they have one)

General/Canon: They would first worry over who was watching them but then they'd get into pointing out cute art to each other and they may even write their own memoir to pass off as fanfic. It's uncomfortable how often they are the parents or aunt and uncle of the group--they aren't even completely comfortable being leaders like I said before, though they want to try their best--and even more awkward because the other Guardians of Light largely find it hilarious and tease them relentlessly. 

Lost Masters: If they find it while they are together, it's cute and a sign that everything will turn out alright. If they find it later, it's devastating for Terra, and ammunition for Dark Aqua 

Grass is Greener: Aqua doesn't really get a lot of the content but she likes how they seem to be popular, and she really likes her hair short. She should go back to wearing it short. Terra is into the fantasy anime vibes, and it's reassuring to think they may be together and in love in another universe. He thinks they are canon at least from how a lot of the tag is. It's validating.

10. Who cried at the end of Marley and me?

Neither, though they ended up talking about how Ventus definitely would have cried.

11. Who always wins at Mario kart?

Terra mostly. Aqua will have a well strategized/lucky race once in awhile though

12. One thing I like about this ship?

Even in the moments where they doubt or misunderstand each other or act stubborn, I feel like you can feel love, respect, and just the barest pining tinge even before everything goes wrong and it's cranked up. I'll break examples down when I get to games that include them on my replay I am sure. 

13. One thing I don’t like about the ship?

That they are treated as the default and even if you ship them with other people it has to be just for fun or an extra ship because at the end of the day everyone agrees with Terraqua. That's just a lowkey pet peeve though, and for “no reason” since, at the end of the day, I agree with Terraqua. 

I dislike the idea that they are "mom and dad" in a lot of people's eyes...in case I didn't give off that vibe already. Let them rest. Whether you see them are near 30 or as 18, they still deserve to just only be responsible for themselves. And, guess what, some of the kiddos have more life experience than them. 

14. The song I would say fits them?

You come into my house and keep asking me this question? Be gone with you!

15. Another headcanon about the paring? (Free space)

General: They adopt a bunch of animals. Since they are often on missions and not the most stable parents of even fur babies in the first years post KH3, this, in practice, consists of claiming animals on several worlds and visiting them every time they are there to spoil them and bring them gifts. Prince Eric's dog Max? Terra and Aqua's. Nemo and his father? Marlin resents the implication, but they are their fish. Thomas O'Malley the Alley Cat? You shouldn't be allowed to call yourself a pet owner when you also turn into a cat when you go to visit them, but, yes, he is part of the family.

Lost Masters: Instead of making large wayfinder charms, since it is just the two of them, Aqua makes smaller charms that hang from woven macrame bracelets that morph meaning as they get older. Terra continues to wear his up until "present." Aqua's comes with her even when she's a Nobody, but eventually gets confiscated by Ventus though it somehow ends up with Xigbar who doesn't hesitate to literally dangle the reminder of her human life over her. 

GiG: People tend to think Terra not Aqua is the one related to Xemnas and Ansem unless they specifically know better. Sometimes Terra goes along with this. He hasn't found a way to parlay this into some funny prank so far, but is on the look out for a way. Aqua doesn't see (or refuses to see) that Terra resembles Xem a little. Vehement denial is better for the sanity. 

*Lost Masters AU is the name for the canon divergence where Xehaqus eloped/ Xehanort chose love over power or darkness, and it changed everyone's fate--though fate still demanded both villains and heroes. Canon divergent post Xehanort's little jaunt to the future and spanning that time of Young Xehanort and Eraqus and up through the sage so far, though, you know, skipping around the years with different protags. Yeah, ambitious, but it would be so cool. I've decided I'm waiting until after I beat Melody of Memory to consider further whether I'm writing it or just posting a skeleton  in case we get some Radiant Garden/Ansem the Wise and apprentices/Kairi background I want to work in. Want to know more? Hit me up

**Grass is Greener is a modern au/soap opera-ish au created between me and Shaky. It's on both of our blogs, tagged Grass is Greener Verse.

[nouveauweird]

do you have any recs for learning about screenwriting / how to screenwrite? i'm one of those writers who kind of sees things like a movie and i'm wondering if things would work out better for me with a new medium. thanks in advance!

I hope you’ve got some time to read all of this because it got really frickin’ long.

I was introduced to screenwriting in a Writing Lab in college and followed suit into a Screenwriting IA (Integrative Activity, where students demonstrate what they’ve learned over the course of their studies in the Cinema and Communications program). 

So admittedly, most of what I learned was from two teachers who already knew their stuff and worked in the industry. However, I was so interested in pursuing screenwriting once I’d fallen in love with it, that I bought all the “optional” resource books my Screenwriting teacher had recommended. 

The Screenwriter’s Manual: A Complete Reference of Format and Style by Stephen E. Bowles, Ronald Mangravite, and Peter A. Zorn Jr. really has the basics for what you need to learn how to get into screenwriting. It is available on Amazon for a range of prices. 

I also read significantly through The Screenwriter’s Problem Solver: How to recognize, identify, and define screenwriting problems by Syd Field and to be honest it can actually be useful for any kind of story writer, as I perused it and applied some of its content to a few films I found were really poorly executed. 

I own, but have not significantly perused:

Story: Substance, Structure, Style and The Principles of Screenwriting by Robert McKee 

My uncle who is a screenwriter recommended highly, I personally haven’t dived in yet because the McKee has a stupid disclaimer about why he chose to use He pronouns to refer to the writer throughout the book which was a bit irritating so I just covered it with a sticky note and let it sit for a while.

Writing Short Films: Structure and Content for Screenwriters by Linda J. Cowgill

*Writing Tools: 55 Essential Strategies for Every Writer by Roy Peter Clark.

*Showing & Telling by Laurie Alberts

*Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within by Natalie Goldberg (currently reading)

*Take Off Your Pants! : Outline Your Books for Faster, Better Writing by Libbie Hawker. 

* = not screenwriting specific, general writing.

Two other books that come highly recommended by both of my uncles who work in the industry are: Save the Cat by Blake Snyder, and Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting by Syd Field.

Since I didn’t learn this completely on my own, I don’t have many online resources, but a quick google search of “Basic Screenwriting Format” should yield you some decent results. HERE is one I found, which has a few book recommendations in it as well. Airtable has resources for screenwriting as well but I am not as familiar with it, search “screenwriting” in the template section.

Here’s what I can recommend right off the bat, sign up for Celtx. It has free and paid subscription services, and you can keep 3 projects on your account at a time, but you can also just download them as PDF’s to free up space and reupload them later and the format will be in tact. Scrivener also has a screenwriting word processor, but it’s a (one time) paid program. 

There are many other word processors for screenwriting, but the best for beginners is Celtx. Most processors these days do the formatting for you, unlike 10-20+ years ago when you had to figure that shit out yourself. All you have to do is get familiar with where everything goes. 

Which brings me to the next part of my answer…

A Screenwriting Crash Course 

For a whole fucking load more of information, look under the cut.

First and foremost, I think it’s important to understand that the narrative description / action / description (all terms used interchangeably) is written in present tense 3rd person, and that you should focus on describing exclusively on what can be SEEN and HEARD. You should also try to be as concise and brief as possible. I found this was quite freeing because while I do love the metaphorical descriptions in prose, screenwriting is a very snappy and visual medium to write in. 

Another thing to understand is that beyond learning the basic formatting rules of screenwriting, you can pretty much bullshit formatting you’re not sure about. I’ve read many screenplays where certain elements were not consistent, such as whether or not the writer chooses to put their characters’ names in CAPS every single time (you should at least do so when the character is first introduced).

It’s actually really easy to find scripts of your favourite films online with a quick google search, it might take practice but I’ve managed to build a decent collection of screenplays that I like to read and get an eye for certain formatting tricks that won’t be in a “how to” book. Screenplays also read very quickly. There’s a general rule of 1:1 for page:minute, meaning 1 page is usually equal to one minute of screen time, and if not, it usually averages out.

I’m going to pull some quotes from The Screenwriter’s Manual to give you a bit of an idea of where you can start: pg 25 - 44, 49 - 63

You can find photos of the table of contents HERE if you’d like to message me directly with specific questions, I’d be happy to send you photos of the section you want. 

The Staging

The first component in the scene line [or slug line] provides the most basic information about the set-up for the scene.

The staging is ALWAYS abbreviated and followed by a period. There are only two choices for a scene: 

INT. for an interior set, informing the reader that the scene takes place in an inside environment

EXT. for an exterior set, specifying an outside environment. 

1. The Location

The second component in the scene line is the location in which the scene takes place. 

The location follows the INT. or EXT. designation and is separated from it by two character spaces [most screenwriting processors will do this automatically].

Do not abbreviate any words in the location component of the scene line. For example,

INT. APARTMENT is correct, and INT. APT. is incorrect.

VERY IMPORTANT

It is absolutely essential that every specific location be distinguished from every other location. 

If Joe lives in an apartment, then you can call that location INT. APARTMENT But if, in the same screenplay, Bob also has an apartment you can no longer use INT. APARTMENT as a location for Bob’s apartment.

To eliminate confusion, one solution is to call each apartment location by the resident’s name: INT. JOE’S APARTMENT and INT. BOB’S APARTMENT

Once a specific location has been identified in the scene line, all subsequent scenes taking place in that location MUST be identified in exactly the same way.

FIRST NOTE:

The location identifies where the activity and dialogue take place…

… if John lives in a multi-room apartment and John is currently in his bedroom (so that other rooms are concealed from view), then the scene line must read, INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM or INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM

[If the action moves from one location to another there are different ways to indicate it; one would be to created a new scene line to indicate the new location, or to indicate the new location in the description like “John walks out of his bedroom and into the LIVING ROOM”. ]

…

FOURTH NOTE

A scene line can take either of two common variations: 

Most often, the scene line will define a specific location, such as INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM which limits the field of view to the area where the “camera” is placed.

If the scene takes place in a more generalized location, you can write it as an open scene, such as EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS … By identifying the scene in a generalized way, you are indicating that it is not important to your narrative to identify precisely where on the campus this scene takes place.

THE TIME

The third component of the scene line indicates the general time at which the scene begins. 

The time follows the location and is separated from it by a character space, then a dash, and then another character space.

[ example: INT. JOHN’S HOUSE, ATTIC - DAY ]

The time component of the scene line is most typically specified as a simple DAY or NIGHT. However, the time component can define a more precise period of the day or night. For example, DAWN, MORNING, AFTERNOON, RUSH HOUR, etc.

… You CANNOT specify an exact time, such as 3:30 PM, in the scene line. If such a specific time is required, you need to [include it in your description]…

When there is no lapse of time from one scene to the next, the time element in the scene line could simply be, CONTINUOUS. … if the time lapse is very brief, then you could use something like, MOMENTS LATER, A FEW MINUTES LAYER

AN EXEMPTION:

If a scene takes place in a location in which there is no way to gauge the visible time (DAY or NIGHT), then that element is omitted from the scene line.

ADDING SPECIFICS TO THE SCENE LINE

IDENTIFYING HISTORICAL PERIOD

[example EXT. PARIS, FRANCE - DAY (1946)

EXT. CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - DAY (1920′s)]

INDICATING A MOBILE SITUATION

If a scene opens with a moving vehicle within the location, then that can be indicated in the scene line. For example… INT. JOHN’S CAR - DAY (MOVING)

2. ACTION or [DESCRIPTION]

Description imparts the necessary detail to the essentials of the scene, describing such features as the characters, sets, props, and any necessary action and sound cues. 

It is generally best to keep the level of detail focused on the actions and dialogue that comprise the narrative. That is where your attention and the reader’s interest should be directed. 

By describing the particular props and decor in a scene and how each character dresses or grooms, you can suggest such character information as personality type, emotional condition, religious affiliation, economic level, artistic taste, and for forth.

First, establish the scene, describing only what is visually apparent in the location and giving only as much detail as necessary. 

You cannot describe anything that cannot be seen… until they have been revealed. 

You do not need to itemize things that are generic and would ordinarily be present, such as furnishings, colours, arrangements, [etc]…

However you MUST specify anything that is unusual or essential to the scene. 

[ My uncle imparted me with a great tip; screenwriting doesn’t maintain traditional prose rules about paragraphs. You should try to keep your descriptions a maximum of four lines, and feel free to break them up into one-line or even one-word for emphasis.]

… 

VERY IMPORTANT: 

You can only convey what is happening at the moment… [No what has happened or what will happen]. 

You CANNOT provide any biographical, psychological, or situational information [about your characters] unless you can find visual means to do so (such as a newspaper article, a television program, [etc.])…

INTRODUCING CHARACTERS

Each character must be introduced in the description the first time [they] physically appear in the screenplay. This includes not only major characters, but also supporting characters and even minor characters and groups that function as characters. 

NAMING CHARACTERS

When a character is introduced, [their] name is ALWAYS typed in ALL CAPS regardless of whether the character is identified by a proper name, a profession, or an appearance… EVANS, AGENT ONE, DERELICT…

Once a character has been introduced, all subsequent references to that character’s name in the description should be written in a normal manner with initial caps… Evans, Agent One, Derelict… 

DESCRIBING CHARACTERS

As the screenwriter, you know who is a major character and who is a supporting or minor character because you have the entire story in your mind. The reader, however, is in a different situation.

… The amount of detail you provide about a character’s appearance and demeanor will give the reader a key to that character’s important in the script. 

As a guide, when characters are introduced, you need to make clear how important each is going to be by tailoring the description and context accordingly.

[ You should describe their appearance and what they are doing when you introduce your characters. There are many different formats to describe a character when you are introducing them, and none of them are the hard and fast rule, you will probably end up settling for your own preferred method].

WARREN EVANS, late twenties, intense, handsome with closely cropped hair and a neatly trimmed moustache, is working with cool precision at one of the hundreds of banks of wiring terminals. he is dressed in coveralls and wearing thin latex gloves.

A VARIATION:

A character’s age can also be assigned a numerical designation, such as…

WARREN EVANS (late 20s), ruggedly handsome, dressed in… 

Seated at the table is CINDY LEWIS, late 20s and very attractive…

[ Generally you should only mention eye colour, skin colour, height, weight, hair style/colour if it is relevant to the narrative. ]

WORDS THAT GET CAPPED

In addition to using CAPS to introduce characters in the description, there are established conventions for other elements that need to be typed in CAPS but only if they affect the narrative…

Those elements include: 

all essential costumes, props and decorany important action, effects, or emphasisany required music or sounds

Although some of the following instances require CAPPING, many will be judgement decisions. 

FIRST NOTE:

You CANNOT identify every costume, prop, or decor on the set. Ordinary objects that have no special significance to the narrative should be left [ in normal text].

SECOND NOTE:

… if a certain prop is important to the story, you should CAP it when it first appears, regardless of whether it is important to that particular scene.

WHEN TO CAP AND WHEN NOT TO CAP

CAPPED words can be effective only if they are used sparingly and appropriately, if CAPPED words are used too frequently, their significance will be lost.

3. THE DIALOGUE-BLOCK

The dialogue element, [also] called the dialogue-block, of the screenplay format consists of three components:

the character-name specifies which character is speaking…the dialogue reveals what is being said by that charactera parenthetical, when necessary, instructs [or indicated an element of] how or to whom the character [is speaking].                           EVANS                 (to the group)   Sorry I’m late. This round’s on me.

GENERAL RULES

ALWAYS contains the character-name and dialogue, and it MAY, if helpful, also contain parentheticals.is ALWAYS single spaced with no blank lines that internally separate the individual componentsis ALWAYS preceded and followed by a single blank line

[ Parentheticals should not be used too often, you should be attempting to provide context for how the character is delivering their line in the description by providing adequate mood/intensity/emotion.]

CHARACTER NAMES

A character-name is the designation used for the speaker…

… Once a character-name has been established, you MUST consistently use that name from that character.

For example, if you’ve introduced the character as COLIN PRYCE in the description, then you will probably want to use the designation COLIN or PRYCE in the dialogue-block.

DIALOGUE

Everything that the actor speaks that is heard by the audience is dialogue. 

[Dialogue] is ALWAYS written in basic prose with initial caps and proper punctuation. 

EMPHASIS IN DIALOGUE

To emphasize a particular word or phrase you should underline it.

OFF-SCREEN or VOICE-OVER CUES

[ Off-screen: when a character is not physically present in the scene peaks from a nearby location, close enough that they could enter the scene. Such a character might be speaking from a room out of view or from behind a concealed area.

Voice-over: (1) a voice heard from a mechanical device such as a telephone, radio, intercom, tape recorder, answering machine, walkie-talkie, etc. (2) The voice of a narrator, which is required when the dialogue is spoken by an unseen narrator. (3) The thoughts of a character, applied when a character is visually present and what is heard are their thoughts.

Usually, a character who is speaking dialogue is visually present within the scene. However, there are two important exceptions: off-screen and voice-over.

The off-screen (O.S.) and voice-over (V.O.) cues 

- ALWAYS follow the character-name on the same line- are ALWAYS enclosed in parentheses- are ALWAYS abbreviated in upper case.

PARENTHETICALS

Parentheticals are a convenient device to convey specific information about how the dialogue is being said… 

[Parentheticals] are ALWAYS enclosed by parentheses… are restricted to words, phrases, and fragments… ALWAYS apply to the dialogue that immediately follows it.

Parentheticals need to be concise and direct, indicating such brief information such as:

- to whom the character is speaking (to John), (into phone), (to himself)- a particular gesture or mannerism(raising his glass), (looking at her watch)- how the dialogue is being spoken(angrily), (coughing), (softly), (thick ____ accent)

WRITING PARENTHETICALS

Because parentheticals are limited to words and phrases, they [should always be written in lowercase and with no punctuation, for example:

(loudly)

No more than two directions should be included in any parenthetical. If two directions appear they should be separated by a semi-colon:

(to the class; loudly)

THREE SPECIAL CASES

- a (beat)- a (pause)- an (interrupting)

[A (beat) indicates a change of thought, suggests a moment of indecision, or conveys a dramatic effect.

A (pause) signifies that a break in the dialogue occurs. This is most often used in phone conversations. 

An (interruption) indicates that the dialogue begun be the previous speaker is being interrupted by the current character (there are a few different ways you can format this). ]

I won’t go any further than this because this is already extremely long, but ultimately I invite you to take a look at some of the scripts (here and here) I’ve written and doctored as an amateur screenwriter as well as digging up your own favourite movie scripts which will give you a good idea of how to implements what formatting.

[ali-lie]

SuperPotterCorp Part 3

Summary & Warning : The SG x HP fic no one asked for yet I’m posting. It’s pretty bad not to mention NSFW with lots of triggers and  potential triggers like violence abuse and mention of all forms of  assault. also starts off between season 3 and four Lena knows about Kara  (obviously) [also agentreign] with the Bloody Brandy challenge.

A quick google maps search revealed that Harry’s address was just a 20 minute drive from Lena’s place. Though it was quite weird the address on the parchment was simply, Stone St, Diamond Apts, Top floor. at which Lena pointed out that maybe she’s bought out the whole floor, which in truth sounded ridiculous to the rest of the Superfriends except Lena, who stated that if she wants to hide an ability like Magic or something possibly nefarious getting rid of pesky neighbors seems like a good idea, this way no one can see something they’re not supposed to.

At first everyone was accepting of that idea till Winn put forth an additional possibility, that Harry had stolen that particular floor from someone using her abilities, which was quite plausible given how they have had seen people abuse their powers.

At 8.30 pm they arrived at the place, the building was a high rise tower that had been added to National city just a scant 3 years ago, they entered the lift as one and when they reached at the top floor they saw out of the lift there was a single corridor leading up to a door with a black sign board and Potter’s embossed on it in gold.

Alex rang the bell and they all waited with baited breaths for someone to open the door, their patience was rewarded when a teenage boy answered the door, it took Lena and Kara a single glance to mark similarities between the boy and Harry, which made them assume he was her son, he had the same bone structure and pale skin not to mention their eyes were the same emerald green, though there were quite some obvious differences too unlike his mother’s blood red tresses the boy sported a nest of raven colored mess on his head, and he was tall, his mother who Lena wouldn’t peg to be taller than 5′1″ or 2″ at most was quite diminutive compared to the 6′1″ young man standing in front of them.

Winn would later point out he looked very much like Harry Potter from the books sans the Lightning bolt scar.

He gave them a broad toothy smile and cheerfully greeted them, “Hello! nice to meet you! My name’s Casper like the friendly ghost, please come in, nice to meet you!” and then escorted them inside.

Meeting the cheerful boy the whole gang calmed down a little, the start was looking good and it looked less like a trap by the second, as they ventured in the house they noticed it was decorated in a simple manner, the inner entrance was painted sky blue with a few pictures of Harry, Casper and 2 girls of obviously different age, the older girl had dirty blonde hair with silver blue eyes, while the younger girl, who looked to be the same age as Casper, had raven colored hair similar to Casper but heterochromic eyes, her right eye was emerald green while the left one was brown.

As they entered the living room they were greeted by three girls, two were the girls from the photos and another brunette girl who was seated next to the older girl, all three of them glaring at the superfriends, an awkward silence ensued which was broken by Casper, “Guys meet my sisters, Macaria *pointing towards the blonde* and my twin sister Dandy *pointing towards the girl with heterochromia* short for dandelion, though I’d strongly advice you to not call her that.” he punctuated with a stern face.

“Also mum’s cooking so she’ll be with us shortly,” he added as an after thought.

Then he pointed towards the brunette and said, “She’s Mac’s - and consequently ours - childhood friend, and our found family, also the only one with a normal name around here, Buffy, yes after the vampire slayer.”

In turn the superfriends introduced themselves to the kids.

Macaria took a deep breath, and began, “So mom told us what happened, and just to let you know all three of us have powers and if you hurt her we’ll hunt you down. Periodt.”

Alex narrowed her eyes at the blonde and gave her a short nod of acknowledgement, then said, “Touché, but just a fair warning even we have powers, we won’t start anything but if you mother does we’ll be sure to end it.  Periodt.”

Both Kara and Casper frowned at their sisters, while the superfriends’ expressions said that they agreed with Alex.

Then Dandy growled towards Alex, but before the tension could escalate, Harry arrived from the kitchen wearing a white hoodie and faded jeans, she reached out to the super friends and began, “Nice to meet you guys once again, Just in case you guys don’t remember, I’m Harry, Harry Potter.”

Once again Winn was to the rescue by breaking the tension, “Like Harry Potter Harry Potter? Like the-boy....the-girl-who-lived Harry Potter? and is it short for something like Harley or Harriet?”

Harry laughed deeply at that and then waved her hands in their general direction to conjure some seating for the superfriends, thus proving the point that she had magic, or at least powers akin to magic, then she answered his question, “Yes and No, Yes because I am Harry Potter daughter to James Potter and Lily Potter née Evans, but I wasn’t hailed as the-girl-who-lived instead Neville Longbottom became the-boy-who-lived, as you can see there’s quite a few differences between the books and me, some obvious and others not quite so.”

Winn’s eyebrows furrowed, “So is Hogwarts real? and like how are you here?”

Harry gave him a short nod as she thought over how to reply to his questions then began, “Okay so to put it in short, the Arch way of Death in the ministry of magic, the one Sirius falls through in the books, is like a backdoor to the Multiverse, and I fell through it, then it was like being thrown around in a powerful water current, I had little control over where I was going, though at the end I luckily ended up here, in this universe nearly 16 years ago.”

Before Winn could continue his line of question Lena took over and asked about everything that had been bothering her since the morning, “That’s good, but i think we’re getting a little side tracked, can you please tell us what you meant by when you said we can’t annul our marriage? and how do you know that Kara’s Supergirl?”

Harry’s lips thinned but she gave Lena a short nod then she conjured a black chair similar to the one that she made this morning, taking a seat she began, “Okay, so as far as your first question goes, our marriage is magical in nature, the rings on our hands *showing the superfriends her ring* are magical in nature and they serve as a marriage contract, their nature depends on the kind of vow their user takes during the ceremony, which in our case was ‘Till Death do us part’ as such we are bonded in this matrimony until we die.”

Winn’s jaw dropped, James facepalmed Alex and John’s eyes narrowed at the woman, Kara winced, Lena closed her eyes and took a deep breath, mean while Sam frowned and then she posed a simple and logical question to Harry, “Then why on earth did you take a vow like that?”

Both Harry and Buffy chuckled at this, Macaria and Dandy started glaring at Kara and Casper sighed softly, then Harry began, “Oh the blame for that lies solely on Supergirl, she insisted that we vow ‘Till death do us part’ and then when I and Lena objected to it even in our drunken state she started crying that we hated her, and the next thing I know we’re screaming the bloody vows.”

Sam and Winn winced and the rest of the superfriends sans Brainy gave Kara an deadpan look, while the blonde looked like she wanted to crawl in a hole.

Then John asked, “Even if Kara asked you to take those vows why did you do it? I can understand why Lena would take those vows, though she’d have preferred to have been more sober, and I mean no offense by this but if it had only been the two of them rather than the three of you. Also something I’ve been meaning to ask why did you have those rings with you? I can understand that they might be family heirlooms but they don’t look like something someone, anyone, would wander around with especially when they’re going to get intoxicated.”

All three of them blushed in different measures, then Harry cleared her throat and began, “Well, during our last days together Sirius often told me to at least once get drunk and do something spontaneous, and yesterday I had entered the bar to fulfill that little promise between us...” she had a wistful look on her face and no one in the room had the heart to make a single sound that might disturb the peace that had spread in her posture.

Soon she snapped back to reality, back from the memories of what was once her happy place Kara thought, taking a deep breath Harry continued, “Well any ways, it was my first time getting drunk, so I think I do deserve some leniency,” as the superfriends’ face clearly expressed their disbelief, she gave them a small smile and said, “I am just 32 years old, and I adopted Macaria when I was 12, i was always afraid that I would be a monster like Vernon, and that led to me never getting drunk.” she finished with a bitter chuckle.

Most of the Superfriends had adopted an expression ranging from pity to horror as they remembered that, this woman was Harry Potter, and even if as she said some things were different from the books some others were still similar, like the Dursleys and their cruelty, but surprisingly or perhaps not so surprisingly Winn, Sam, and Lena had a look of understanding, understanding the feeling of not wanting to become the monsters and demons they ran from, of the feeling of wanting to protect your loved ones from even their dark shadows.

“And as far as the ring is concerned, I didn’t have it with me till before Kara suggested that we get married, so Lena objected to it first on the basis that we didn’t had any wedding rings for us and when she did that, in my intoxicated state I simply wished that I had some wedding rings and those rings suddenly appeared in my closed fist, from the Gringotts vault they were supposed to be in, all the way across that universe to this one.” she concluded with a dry look that said I rest my case.

Sam and Alex turned to their respective younger sisters and promptly face palmed.

A/n : sorry to leave this here, if anyone is even reading this, but kind of felt like a good end to the chapter. ciao,

see ya next time hope you’re safe and happy!

[barakatalancoupons]

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[mydiaryofdisagreeingwsanity-blog]

Part 3

Today, I was a lazy bum.  Shocker.  But I did do some good things, and I did have good times, so I should be more grateful.  And more happy.  I read a really nifty quote on here the other day about how shaming yourself will not help you improve, and how trying to do so is cruel to yourself.  It said to love yourself instead, and I think I am going to try that tactic and see how it works for me.  

Today, I went through a gazzilion old photos.  Some years back, I made an entire wall of my room into a picture wall and it was awesome.  I took Mickey Mouse wrapping paper and taped it up onto my wall, along with a Mickey Mouse poster and covered them with photos.  I printed out so many that they couldn’t all fit on the makeshift background and they spilled out onto the wall above and below.  I still remember balancing on some pretty precarious ledges to put them all on display.  It was crazy, but beautiful, and organized in my own chaotic way.  I had different sections dedicated to different areas of my life and memory, such as family, friends, cats, places,trips, etc..  It was my then recent life in pictures, and as time passed, I was always happy to put new photos up.

A little over a year ago now, our family moved out of our old place, and into a new one.  Naturally, the picture wall had to come down.  With great care, the whole set-up was taken down and folded for transport.  As a side note, Dad, I am still sorry for all the paint I took off the walls.  I really did not mean to do that at all, and I had no idea that the adhesive strips were so op.

Well, we brought them over to the new place, and due to their dangerous nature towards paint, they stayed down.  My Dad was awesome and bought me this large, black paperboard for me to put them on, but I never used it.  It was big, but I doubted it could handle alllll of the photos, and I had some interesting ideas on how to put the pictures so I held off.  

Time passed, as it is apt to do, and the folded holder of my memories stayed just as it was in a box in the corner of my new room behind a decorative screen I had been given.  They all stayed there, hidden away from the light of day and the shine of the moon until this very day.  One year and thirteen days after the day we moved.  All those beautiful memories shunned, ignored, and I am still trying to figure out my motives as to why.

My first thought is pure, unadulterated laziness.  I seem to be attempting to become the physical embodiment of laziness, so it isn’t a far fetched conclusion.  It seems like an answer that is just too easy, however.  My life, the really happy moments, most joyous occasions, sweetest memories, were in those pictures.  Laziness is too weak of an excuse to use to hide away pieces of myself like that.  I think that, maybe, it was shame.  

I have this wonderfully disgusting, extremely intimate relationship with shame.  I feed it a gluttonous diet of all my fears, and thusly it grows to Jabba-worthy sizes.  Its two favorite dishes seem to be my fear of not being good enough as I am now (which I feel deeply now), and my fear of not being good enough If I were to be who I truly want to be.  With such rich delicacies before it, it grows fatter every stinking day.  It is one of the many facets of fear, and one of its most horrifying faces.  

It is to shame, hiding under the guise of sloth, as to add even more to my shame, that I attribute my hiding my own life away.  If I had kept them out, had put them up again, where I would have had to look upon them everyday, I would have had to face them.  I would have had to face my past self, with all my steadfast hopes and sky high dreams, with my present self.  I would have to look at my past self and tell it that I was failing.  I was trying, but lost, caught in a rip tide, with all sense of direction constantly changing.  I was simply waiting to be let go of its deadly grasp.  I would have to face my past self, my wasted sand scattered at my own feet, thrown away in heaps by my own hand.  I would have to face the smiling features of those dearest to me, who believed in me so much and expected great things of me, with less than nothing to show.

I guess I had hoped that it would be easier to hide from myself if I could not look into the eyes of others and see myself reflected in them.  I can’t say whether or not that really worked, as I have been trying to find myself for so long, and I have only found bits and pieces.  To be totally honest, I wonder for how long I will call those found pieces mine.  Change is upon me, and I am hopeful of it.

But today, or rather yesterday now, I brought them out of confinement.  I unfolded the great sheet and peeled off every cherished memory that had claimed its place upon it.  Not every picture had made it out unscathed, thanks to the new loves of my life who love boxes, as it is in their very nature to do so.  I in no way blame them.  I should have taken better care of what is precious to me.  It was my fault, but no bend or curve or fold could ever take away from the value of what they are.  In a way, it makes me appreciate them more.  

After I had taken every photo and any other memory I had put up, of all things to do, I stuck them in another box!  I know it makes no sense, but I am not sure what to do with them.  I want to display them in a truly fitting way.  They deserve a place of honor, and the effort and time to do so.  Perhaps I shall make it a goal of mine to have them set up by this time next month.  I like it.  Alright internet- hold me to it!

It was Friday night, and I had a date to keep, so I put the new box in my closet and got down to business.  It was a girls date with my Mom, so I went downstairs and together we made a fabulous dinner and watched a fun movie.  My Dad had gone out with some friends, so it was just the two of us.  It has been a particularly trying week at work for her, even more so than usual which is saying something.  We had a good time and she seemed happier, which is good.  She needed a fun night, and I am glad I was able to help her relax.  

After our movie had finished, she went off to bed, but I waited up.  I had made a second movie date with my Dad.  We were going to have another anime all-nighter.  I know he is stressed too, and it’s a way to spend time together on a common ground.  I am very close with my Mom, but my relationship with my Dad is very different.  In some ways, we are spookily alike, and in other areas there is such a severe disconnect that it can be hard to get along.  Stories for another time.

Well, as I waited up, I got a jump on this.  I like writing this out.  Before I started, I really worried that I would not enjoy it as much as I do.  It’s like having someone to talk to openly.  I don’t really know how to do that, so maybe this can teach me.

He made it home, and we hopped right in.  We started our favorite anime from the beginning and got through eight episodes before we pooped out.  I laughed way too hard and enjoyed myself almost too much, if there is such a thing.  I wanted to finish this out, but I was done, and it did not take me long before I sacked out on the couch.

It may have been a lazy day, but it was still a very good one.  I am grateful for the time spent with my family, and the memories new and old that I get to be keeper of.  I have much to reflect on that is so wholly good, that I need to quit my sinking ship attitude.  I am well equipped to stay afloat, and I have much reason to.  Time to stop sinking my own ship.

I will catch you all later.  Be good to each other, and look for the joy in your life.  Be seekers, and you may just be surprised by what you find.

                                                                                  Love,

                                                                                  -M

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Rhonda's Inventive Life

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