#boomer women be miserable and I'm not here for that shit

[sea-dukes-assistant]

ATTN: The boomers that follow me for some reason

The abuse I'd been getting since this started dropped off roughly 2016, when I told Rachel if she wanted to have a say in what I post, she can pay me. It picked back up roughly the same time Harry was outed as being with his current wife, at the time of the Karen Occupation, and been on the upswing ever since.

For the longest time, I never understood why I received so much negative attention from your particular niche in this fandom. I never spoke to you, minded your business, nor knew you existed, yet you felt the need to mind mine, scold me, yell at me, and speak to me as though I do not deserve respect and decency, perhaps going so far as to hoping one day I'd just eat a bullet.

The theory, which is disturbing at best, for why you project your insecurities onto me (and only me) is that you can't fathom mine and younger generations being so "ourselves" because that was not a thing when you grew up. I'm sorry that was the way it was, but that is not how it is now. Times change, often for the better, even from when I was growing up in the '90s. I'm thankful for this. You lot, however, seem to have taken the fantasy/ideology of "what a man should be" and decided you are disgusted/upset that I do not fall into that mold. So you come into my house and shit all over the place like you ain't got no home training, sending me homophobic messages, personally insulting me and my intelligence, telling me I need to "get my head checked (I've had 2 neuro-pysch exams I promise you my brain functions just fine)," and going out of your way to make me hate myself. Why? So you can fix me and make me the "alpha male" of your fantasies. It's like some form of conversion therapy. This is why you're so obsessed with me. I'm not bitter that nobody else is being hated on; I'M BITTER THAT I WAS/AM SINGLED OUT.

Quite frankly, that's fucking disturbing. I'm 36. I'm a regular guy, enlisted, trying to make it through the next 10 of my career without further damaging my already broken body. I'm nobody. But y'all out here harassing me for *checks notes* living my life and being happy. Not even a single shred of empathy. Just fuckin' "SEND IT" with the constant degradation and berating and lecturing. Fuck sake I serve this country with pride, nearly had the national ensign over my casket and folded and handed to my mother before I hit 30, and this is how y'all gonna act towards me, after walking around with your metaphorical dick out, posting boomer ass Facebook graphics yelling "REPOST THE FLAG OR YOUR A COMMIE?" THAT is some fucking disrespect, not a royal in an honorary position of rank wearing a service's uniform. It's fucking disgusting...oh I'm a "brave PATRIOT" until you find out I wanna fuck some hot British guy's brains out. Then I need to shut up and "eat shit and die."

I'm not a project. I'm not responsible for your issues. I'm under no obligation to be nice to you. Your baggage is not mine to carry. You are responsible for your own behavior. I do have intellectual superiority; this is not me swinging my dick, it is fact. My ASVAB score qualified me for everything except the nuclear field. I learned college-level electronics theory in 9 months. I've had a combined 10 months of specialized training on specific systems, the most recent being the AN/GSC-52B MET. This last advancement cycle I scored in the 93rd percentile overall IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN NAVY. My job is entirely critical-thinking, problem solving, and written/verbal communication. PEOPLE COULD DIE IF THE AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS CAN'T SEE THE PLANES. I have to explain to idiots officers with degrees why I can't connect a system carrying classified data to their unclassified computer to they "don't have to get up" to look at the console. Between you there's...what, 10 brain cells? You think tabloids are classic literature. IT IS A FUCKING FACT, BRENDA.

Oh and the "I hate that you were treated like that/you didn't deserve that BUT" can be shoved up your ass, as well. If that were the case, you wouldn't continue your anonymous! tirade about how I'm a fuck up, need to be nicer, how I'm treated is entirely my fault, and using Prince Philip, who is very much dead despite my wishes, as a way to emotionally manipulate me (an entirely different level of Fucking Disgusting).

The entire fucking audacity. Take your own advice and look in the mirror. YOU are the reason I'm so fucking stressed. YOU are the reason I fucking hate it here and want to leave. YOU are the reason I'm so fucking "rude" and on defense all the time. DEALING WITH YOU IS FUCKING EXHAUSTING.

[bisexualmcqueen]

Ok listen, I know you literally just posted about McQueen's parents, but I am already so obsessed with them and would love to know more about them!! 💙

ok so this has been sitting in my askbox since JULY (CRAZY??) and ive been thinking about it ever since. thank you for bearing with me<3 quite frankly i needed to reacquaint myself a bit longer with cars/my cars ocs after a 4 year long break!! lightning is about 43 now in 2024, which means i have 4 decades of his story to mentally keep track of (simply the flavor of autism i have). i bounce all over like a laserbeam in a hall of mirrors.

alright. oliver and donna time. blanket warning for varied implied child abuse/neglect. [background info this ask is referencing!!] ***

the very basic core of these characters is looking at lightning mcqueen and wondering how the hell he wound up all fucked up the way he did. hes got all the issues (he thinks hes sooo normal but there are so many things going on that arent right). so i invented a couple of fucked up guys to fuck him up (mildly to moderate) in his formative years.

oliver is the main culprit here. oliver mcqueen. yes- one of the core aspects of this character is "Two Of Them". what if there was Another mcqueen. imagine a second mcqueen man (dear god). he had a dad somewhere along the line. and what a guy, oh i'm sadly a bit obsessed with oliver. hes like if lightning mcqueen was Worse. hes a boomer from the boston metro area and he thinks he's cool as shit like bernie madoff doing investing fraud, trying to get rich. he thinks hes the wolf of wall street of texas. his head is completely up his own ass and hes a mean little idiot worm. hes supposed to be raising monty but all hes taught him is 'every man for himself' and how to close the door quietly. that and other things.

they live in the dallas metro area together from about 1988-1999. oli does not want to raise this kid, so he sort of just throws food and tires at him occasionally. monty spends a lot of time outside, raising hell (where'd you learn to fly like that, city boy?). typical racecar behaviors. (his teachers find him impossible to deal with often as well).

not to say that oliver is some irredeemable evil freak- hes funny, hes charming, hes a bit of a badass, hes sort of a hot pathetic mess in a funny way. he does pass on some decent traits to his son, gives him good advice occasionally. he's crazy, but he works in an office, so most of his schemes are social and criminal. i recently made an AU where he's a racer, so hoping to post more about that as i develop. (a successful oliver is much more frightening than one distracted by failure!)

this has oliver and monty vibes, oddly enough:

don't be fooled- oliver could never hold a candle to the heart of logan wolverine. oliver is a republican and he hates women (he loves women /derogatory). oliver sucks enough that lightning straightup considers doc to be his actual dad. next! ***

ah, donna. origin of abandonment issues, ring ring!

she's less developed than oliver because she exits stage left pretty early on in the story, but we still love her (or hate her, up to interpretation!) i actually recently gave her a full name even: Donna Ann SteelDust. yep, steeldust as in the mythical foundational sire of the American Quarter Horse breed. partly because texas, partly because i love horses, and partly because in the 1950's there lived a pair of quarter horses who were father and son named Doc and Lightning. and they were racing quarter horses to boot! oh, and partly because the mother of lightning mcqueen deservedly needs a badass name.

donna has monty at about age 20, with a godless charmer from faraway boston, out of wedlock, in a small community somewhere towards western texas in the early 80's. oliver is fresh out of uni and a couple years older. donna is a waitress at the local eatery. girl, your taste in men is abysmal. you can NOT fix him. traveler meet-cute gone wrong...

hes miserable enough of a partner that he is ultimately what drives donna to leave. gone in the wind one day when monty is about six. she met someone new. someone who she thinks is kinder.

she puts the tv to RSN every sunday. she likes watching races- radio when theres no tv. when monty becomes obsessed, she gets him a little strip weathers figurine when shes out of town one day that he manages to hold onto til his teen years. they sit in front of the tv and watch together, and have popcorn made on the stovetop. when lightning recalls his mother, this is the first place his mind goes.

she didnt want a kid (as in unplanned). she didnt consciously try to be a good parent (neither did oliver). but she was sweet. well, sometimes, when she wasnt being a hot mess and stirring up drama.

originally, i was going to have her die before lightning became famous. oliver was going to also be dead by now (2024). but ive got some new ideas- oliver is in prison, donna is in denial about her famous son and festering with guilt. she does not reach out to him. (latter idea from Non).

to boil them down further: donna believes in love, oliver believes in money. they go about it the wrong way. they make mistakes. (part of lightning's obsession with money is in unconscious spite of his father- he wants to prove a point, that he was doing it all wrong, he can do better, he can Win ['i'll show him!']. consciously, lightning's money worries are about his own longevity. there is no lightning mcqueen parts factory: hes some sort of rare 1 of 1 anomaly. unconsciously again: death [mortality, time lost, being forgotten] frightens him. out loud, he says wrecking does. he does not connect any of these dots fully.)

a looottt of this is in flux, these characters still need significant development. but its a story about loneliness, about escaping the cycle, about finding your wings. this is not lightning's family, this isnt where he lands. he doesnt have christmas at ma's. you cant go home again- there's no one there for you and there never was. cps doesnt save you. you find yourself.

mostly this all comes from my fascination with lightning's mysterious origin. and frustration with it. what do you mean the only in-film lore we get is "i've been dreaming about it my whole life!" and "glen elen- my first win!". all his convoluted emotional shielding (for a minute there). he jumps at loud sounds and thinks someone is shooting at him. his natural jackass behavior even after he is 'reformed.' his clearly ignored mental health concerns. he drives me insane forreal. lightning mcqueen i will dissect you and put your parts spread out on a clean workbench you bitch. i will label and graph you in 4D space. im putting you in the bee centrifuge.

gonna cap this off with a recent sketch of donna. turns out corvettes are IMPOSSIBLE to draw, send help. more info about this timeperiod/my ocs are filed under the "origin fic era" and "my ocs" tags on this blog (mostly barren at this time though. will add more.). excited to refine these characters even more as time goes on!

thank you again for the ask!

[chocolate-failure]

I just feel so utterly drained. So devoid of everything. Just fucking horrible. It feels like everything I do is consuming the last bit of energy I have and then I have to do shit for dig. Like God I fucking hate it here. It's this house. I had it labeled has Home on Google maps but it's literally hell.

I've been living here for 10 mfkn years getting sicker by the day and at some point it's not worth my well being... well at some point it wasn't and I don't know if this shit is permanent but being here is hurting me. I remember telling dig like maybe 7 years ago that I was gonna move out and it was seen as an entire rejection of our relationship and him. Like no you ignorant bitch this place is killing me and I knew it better back then. I had so much more clarity but far less money and I felt like I needed to always placate dig. I mean I still do. He is an infant. But now we're moving towards getting out of here. It only took a decade. And now I can figure out if I hate my life because I'm not living a life I feel belongs to me in a place that fosters my well being or if I'm not living a life that belongs to me with a person who fosters my well being. I gave the sinking feeling it's both but I feel I owe it to him to give him the chance to fuck up our new life together. Cuz it honestly feels like it hasn't started yet.

I think regardless I'll feel better because this house is a fucking hazard. It should be condemned and I kinda want to do an air quality test here just to get an idea of how many carcinogens I'm being exposed to on a daily basis.

After my mom's birthday we took a trip to Buffalo NY (where she's from) and I was really not looking forward to it. I really dislike Buffalo and my mom and her sister ate both overbearing and annoying in ways that not just stress me out but are weirdly triggering. Like we had been there for maybe 10 minutes and my aunt notices my nose ring and says it's not straight and I try to downplay it cuz if I explain why it's crooked I have to explain that it's a taper. But like she won't stfu about it after I try to shut it down twice I just say it's a taper and I'm gauging my septum. My mom starts fucking crying cuz she's found she can manipulate me that way. But bitch I'm fucking 34 can we pls stop acting like you gaf about my wellbeing and just want to continue controlling me?? Like Jesus. So yeah, that was within the first hour of being there so I wasn't confident nor excited for my time there.

And my time there was for the most part pretty uneventful but not entirely uncomfortable. I got to take my super mfkn hot baths which kept my weight down and honestly that's all that matters to me in any given situation. As long as I can starve myself and purge adequately I'm pretty happy. Nevermind I spent much of my time on a couch sitting next to my veggie uncle watching incredibly shitty shows only a boomer could enjoy. He was such a horrible person before the dementia and I'm hard pressed to think that changed him for the better... tho him not talking is definitely an improvement.

Man I'm miserable.

So yeah Buffalo wasn't the worst thing ever. I did spend a fair amount of time around my mom and aunt and realized how absolutely fucking autistic every women on that side of my family is like goddamn. They're all so goddamn weird and not necessarily in a bad way but there are so many things you have to navigate and tiptoe around to keep them happy. And being round that made me feel kinda mfkn bad about myself. Like I know I'm not a person that people feel they need to bend over backwards to make comfortable but it is at the expense of a lot of my own comfort. I think it's a little of the low support need/high masking in me and because I don't particularly care for people I often hit the "why tf am I doing this" wall. I could easily drop this shit, support myself in the ways I need instead of being mentally and emotionally drained by people who always put themselves before me or don't even consider my needs. I could do this by myself. I would be happier by myself. Why am I not by myself?

Idk.

I mean I do but I don't want to think about it.

After Buffalo I went to the city to see Ichigo. It's been a mfkn minute but I love that nigga and I don't think I could ever not have him in my life even though we're so incredibly introverted and low energy we could spend years not talking. Man I love that dude. But yeah, I stayed at his place from the 22nd to the 28th and it was goddamn magical. We went to Providence Park a couple times which was really mfkn dope, ends up he loves nature just as much as me 😭

His partner is a she/they not sure of their gender identity but holy hell can she fuck up some beans and rice. Like goddamn. That first day she made some beans and rice with chickpeas and avocado and istfg I ate and was happy to. I didn't eat a lot but that's the kind of eating that makes me happiest. And they didn't super push me to eat which was really nice. I legit could eat those rice and beans every day, they were so good 🤤 The next morning ichigo made eggs Benedict which was fuckin amazing. I've never poached an egg but now I gotta learn 👀

Their dog is a lil ball of nerves but she did sleep with me on the last few days when everybody had left. Ichigo works with highschoolers and hmmm... I don't have a name for his partner but hm... I really like her, they're super chill and easy to talk to and have a really nice smile... maybeeeee.... yeah no idk.. but I like them. She's a lawyer that works with equality litigation and making sure ppl have access to resources. But erm, I was on my own for Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday which I very much enjoyed far more than I expected. I took the bus to the gym everyday and it was absolutely wonderful. I got so much done and felt so mfkn accomplished. I def lost like 5lbs on my trip. I think I came back at 164~ I gained it all back cuz this place stresses me out but for a shining moment I felt good about myself and my progress and that means a lot to me. It shows me it's possible. It shows me it's not me.

Shitty cuddle interlude~

Dig was upset with me earlier today cuz I said him taking a nap was welcomed because I'm having a rough day. He took it as me not wanting to be around him at all and decided he just would avoid me. He could have just asked me if I wanted to have a chill day but sends me discord messages, I've literally told him I don't always get the notifs and social media messaging has become incredibly stressful for me. But yeah, he assumes I'm super upset with him and I need to be treated like I'll bite his head off if he so much as looks at me. I feel like I'm being gaslit into believing I'm both a bad person and my need for recharge is too much. I didn't say as much but I made it known I wasn't meaning to make him feel a burden and that I'm not a bad person for feeling drained by him and needing a rest. I tried not reveal anything negative I was feeling while setting a clear boundary. I took my bath and he was still outside from when he retreated thinking I was mad. He's outside enjoying the rain. It was a good rain. I go down and he's not doing well. But it's always up to me to put aside how I'm feeling to coddle him so I asked if he was okay with company. I sat with him in silence for a while and think to myself, he definitely wants me yo cuddle him but is that what I want to do. No, no it is not. What will it do for me? Prob be uncomfortable and a lil draining but he won't be a melancholy buzzkill in the coming week which is even more draineding cuz he will repeatedly imply it's my fault. In the long run this momentary discomfort will allow me to avoid future discomfort and future me deserves better. So I ask him if he would like to cuddle, something he's not too good at doing so maybe modeling asking for consent will help him to do it himself. So I cuddle with him and it feels like nothing. But worse than nothing cuz it's something I'm doing completely out of obligation. There is no joy or contentment or even comfort... and why do I have to be the person to ask for shit I don't even want? This is tiring.