#booker's test was not being a bitch

[non-un-topo]

The gays outnumber the straights in the old guard because irl gay friend groups always have to have one or two token straights. Also gays are statistically more likely to become immortal because they're just that powerful

[paradisetemporarilymisplaced]

So I was being a basic bitch the other day and listening to my true crime podcasts when it occurred to me just how suspicious Nile’s “death” would look to everyone not in the Guard, leading me to a train of thought that, 2200 words later, absolutely got away from me but I can’t let go so I’m inflicting it on all of you!

To set the stage, we know the movie takes place over approximately a week. Here’s what happens to Nile from the military’s point of view:

She dies is very seriously injured

She heals without a scratch

Just before she’s supposed to be shipped out to Germany, she vanishes, leaving two men concussed (and presumably reporting being knocked out by a woman with short hair wearing civilian clothes)

She goes AWOL for several days

They get word from the CIA that she is to be reported killed in action (details unclear)

So, at the beginning of this very weird week, the USMC has to tell Nile’s family of her death critical injury. What her family was told depends on how long she was dead – a Google search tells me that family will be notified in person within 8 hours of a soldier’s death, but we don’t know how long her first death lasted. For an injury, however, they’d get a phone call to notify them and the unit would arrange for them to visit as soon as the soldier is transferred out of a combat zone. Like I remember when I was in high school, a guy from my church who was a Marine was really seriously injured in a helicopter crash in Iraq and from what I could tell, his parents were told immediately and were flown out to Germany to see him, so it stands to reason that Nile’s family would have been informed relatively quickly after her throat was slashed, one way or another.

And then, she goes AWOL. Her family would be notified while the USMC tried to figure out where she went, not least because the military would want to know if she’s contacted them. (And it’s possible that her family may have been on the way to Germany to see her since we know that’s where she was supposed to go!) So for several days:

Nile’s mom and brother have no idea where she is

They know she was seriously injured and most certainly should not have been moving around on her own

They can’t get a hold of her

The military can’t tell them anything

And the next thing they know for sure is that she was “killed in action.” After being injured and vanishing into thin air. And they presumably cannot produce her body or any concrete evidence of her death. In any case, something sketchy is going on, so they’re like. SMELLS LIKE A MILITARY COVERUP.

In a surprise to probably no one, there is a well-documented legacy of mysterious US military deaths, particularly of women of color (TW for sexual assault in these links). The cases of LaVena Johnson and Vanessa Guillenin particular have made national news because of their families’ persistence in seeking justice. Likewise, Nile is a Black woman, and her mom and brother are most certainly hypercognizant of (a) state violence against Black people and (b) these high-profile cases of suspicious military deaths. So her family are seriously side-eyeing the situation, knowing that (a) the military has a serious incentive (and a documented history) of covering up things that make them look bad and (b) nothing about Nile’s disappearance and supposed death are adding up.

And Andy’s right. Nile does come from warriors. And you know who else does? Her brother.

Don’t get me wrong. Nile’s mom would absolutely not back down. She’d know something was up and want to get to the bottom of it. But based on what I know about Gen X parents (mine), they’re not the most technologically savvy. Like they can use the internet, but they didn’t grow up with it the way we young millennials and Gen Z did. So Nile’s brother takes the lead. And what do zillennials do best?

Social media.

Nile’s brother starts going hard on any site he can, trying to get the word out to see if anyone knows what happened to his sister. He starts a Reddit thread. He starts a Facebook group. He reaches out to the media and true crime bloggers and podcasters à la Sarah Turney, getting loud and being a general nuisance in hopes of getting some answers. He gets his friends and Nile’s friends involved. Maybe eventually Dizzy, Jay, and others from Nile’s unit hear about it and reach out, telling him what they saw and how weird it all was. He’s drumming up interest, and soon “Nile Freeman” becomes a household name (at least among the true crime fans).

Copley is, of course, trying his best, but at this point there is just so much that it’s impossible for him to scrub everything. Sure, he can erase new footage of Nile and the Guard, but what can he do about Reddit threads and podcast episodes that are speculating something weird has happened? Maybe he could hack the sites and shut those things down, but honestly, that’s the last thing he’d want to do, because that only adds weight to the theory that Nile’s disappearance is a military coverup. So eventually he has to tell Andy what’s going on.

Andy, obviously, does not take the news well. However, she is also completely computer illiterate, because that’s Booker’s job and he’s the only one who ever bothered to learn what the internet is in any meaningful way. (She probably calls Booker for advice, and for the record, I think Booker would have no qualms about shutting down conspiracy threads, tinhats be damned, but Copley is too concerned about the consequences. He’s ex-CIA for crying out loud, he knows how it’ll look if they scrub every mention of Nile’s name from the internet.) Maybe she confers with Joe and Nicky but, let’s be honest, they’d be equally unhelpful. So at this point, she knows they have to bring in Nile.

But the thing about Nile is that she, too, knows how to use the internet (duh). Aside from her being a young millennial/digital native, we know from the cave scene where she’s giving Booker suggestions on how to track Copley that she clearly is even more computer savvy than the average person. And for that reason she almost definitely took over the day-to-day tech stuff after Booker’s exile. So I think it would be foolish to expect her to be unaware of what’s happening. She’s not contacting her family or posting on the message boards or anything, but she knows what’s up. So Copley and the team probably sit her down to “break the news,” but we know the girl does not have a poker face (see: literally shooting herself in the foot and not being able to play it cool whatsoever) and cracks immediately, telling them she’s seen everything about her case – she’s not interacting with any of it, she certainly didn’t instigate anything, but she knows. (And she is so goddamn proud of her brother.)

At this point, I’d like to pause and consider Nile’s role in the overall narrative of this movie. She’s set up as a foil to Andy, obviously, but she’s also a foil to Booker. Booker, who, like Andy, is a serious pessimist, but who, unlike Andy, still has very fresh memories and trauma associated with being the new kid, which have destroyed him. In his mind (and Andy’s), if Nile communicates with her family, she’ll become just like him in a century or two – bitter, alone, and stuck with her grief and memories of watching her family die and knowing they died resenting her. It’s a small sample size, but this is the only experience they have to go off of.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

There’s been a lot of discussion of TOG being a fundamentally queer movie – a group of people brought together because of something inherent about themselves that is different, that must be hidden, that causes others to hate, fear, and reject them. Booker’s backstory is the archetypal traumatic “coming out” story – his family learns who he is, hate him for it, and attempt to cast him out of their lives. He’s stuck with his trauma, his pain, his loss, and it consumes him.

But what if Nile’s family would be the opposite? What if her “coming out” to them as immortal is met with acceptance, love, celebration? What if her family is just overjoyed to have her back, and they don’t care what the circumstances are? I'm reminded of this incredible post from @shitty-old-guard-deaths a while back, where Nile’s mother hits Booker with a frying pan because “my baby let me believe she was dead for FIVE YEARS based on your bad advice???” (which may or may not have inspired this whole tangent). Nile takes the advice of someone who did the same thing she wants to do because she doesn’t want to risk her family’s rejection. She wants the good memories with her family and is afraid that showing them her true self will bring her unbearable pain, forever replacing those memories. But, with high risk comes high reward.

Anyway. Nile and the team are trying to come up with a plan for how to handle this whole thing, but she’s not really participating because she’s too afraid to hope. Until finally, quickly, so she doesn’t lose her nerve, she suggests she reach out to them, knowing that, realistically, that’s the only solution before things snowball even further out of control. The team is shocked, but realize that she has a point. They decide that Copley should actually be the first point of contact, posing as a US government official to talk with them and test the waters.

So Copley goes to Nile’s family’s house to talk with her mom and brother. They’re probably distrustful and apprehensive, but nonetheless secretly ecstatic that their work has paid off. They talk and review all of the information that they’ve collected, including testimonials from the people on Nile’s base and recent sightings (along with photos) of Nile (with the same three people) over the last few years that people have sent them but they haven’t posted publicly. At this point, Copley’s like, yeah this is about to blow up, we gotta put our cards on the table. He convinces them to come with him to some safe house/black site/whatever he can get that is technologically impenetrable (I’m picturing them in like, an interrogation room at a police station kind of deal), takes their phones, locks the doors, and brings in Nile.

What follows is the most delightful reunion scene of all time, bringing Joe, Nicky, and even Andy to tears as they watch and listen from outside the room. With Copley’s help, Nile tells her mom and brother about her immortality and what’s been going on since she died (within reason, of course), and they are thrilled. They don’t understand why (because no one does) but they don’t question it and they see it as a gift from God – she’s been resurrected, she will live, and she has a purpose. Her mother and brother are so happy to see her again and are willing to agree with pretty much anything to stay in her life as long as they can.

So. They set up some complicated agreement (they bring in the other three for support/intimidation as needed) setting the terms of their relationship. They swear Nile’s family to secrecy, maybe bringing up the lab to show how high the stakes are, and they readily agree. They come up with some cover story for Nile’s brother to share on the message boards (maybe that the government has opened an investigation but because it’s an open case he has to shut it all down? Tells people to direct their tips somewhere else? Something to that effect). There’s still speculation, of course, but without Nile’s brother at the helm providing the energy, the hype dies down as news stories are wont to do without any movement. And Nile’s family goes to work for the team. The experience has taught them that Copley can’t possibly do everything himself, especially when it comes to social media, so Nile’s brother takes the lead on the day-to-day tracking/social media while Copley and her mom focus on finding jobs and scrubbing their traces afterward.

So there you have it: Nile gets to integrate her biological family into her found family and spend the rest of their lives with them as it should be, Copley gets some badly needed help managing the reality of social media, the team finally has a positive narrative surrounding outsiders Knowing About Them AND about interacting with people from their previous life, and the audience gets the happy ending to this very lovely and very queer story to counteract the pain associated with Booker’s family.

Plus, you know, I’m a sucker for both a good government conspiracy theory and for Nile getting every good thing she deserves.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #67

Prompt number: 26 - “How about you trust me for once?”

Fandom: The Old Guard

Rating: PG-13

Warnings/Tags: Crack

Summary: Nile takes them to Pride. 

AN: For @spookyvoidangelskeleton, thank you for always liking and reblogging my stuff. This is definitely more cracky than normal, so heads up.

���We’re going to go somewhere fun,” Nile promises, taking a left at the light. She read online that there was a good parking garage a couple of blocks away from the parade and that the walk was totally worth the price. Even though her eyes are on the road, she can feel them trading glances behind her back. “How about you guys trust me for once?”

“The last time we trusted you, we got banned,” Joe reminds her, and okay, that’s fair. But in her defense, she didn’t think Nicky would actually punch the guy!

“Wait-what?” Quynh asks, sticking her head in the middle. “Where did you guys get banned from?”

Nile pushes her head back. “Put your seatbelt on. We’re going to get pulled over, and I’m sure as hell not paying for that ticket,” Nile says, and oh god, she’s turning into her mother.

“You guys got banned from somewhere in the seven months I was exiled?” Booker asks.

“Technically, only Nicky is banned,” Joe says, turning around to grin at his husband. “He was my hero.”

“Yes, a true hero,” Andy sarcastically drawls, dodging Joe’s swat. He hits Booker instead and gets a very offended ‘hey!’ in response.

Quynh sticks her head back in the middle, and Nile sighs. If they crash, Quynh’s just going to have to suck it up and deal with the pain of healing. “I understand how you feel now. I don’t like it.”

“How I feel?”

“Yes, being out of the loop. Very annoying.”

Nile huffs, a wry smile stretching her lips. “Welcome to Initiation, it lasts a good fifty years.” Nile doesn’t have to turn around to know Quynh is scrunching her face up, the one that tells the world just how displeased she is.

“Is no one going to tell us where you guys are banned from?” Booker loudly asks, interrupting the intense bickering match between Andy and Joe.

“No!” Andy and Joe shout as one before resuming their little love spat.

Nile briefly makes eye contact with Nicky through the rearview mirror. He looks far too amused with everything going on. “Sorry, Quynh and Booker. You must be a level 8 to unlock the list of places we’re banned from,” Nile says, grinning ear to ear. “Ow! No pinching the driver, Quynh!”

“The driver was being a bitch and deserved it.”

Never let it be said that Quynh was a slow learner. That woman picked up curse words faster than a cheetah on speed.

It takes ten more minutes to pull into the garage. It’s the ten most painful minutes Nile has ever lived through. She almost turns the car around, but that would mean another fifty minutes, and she’s not strong enough for that.

“Oh! Is there some festival going on?” Joe asks as a gaggle of people walk past their car. They’re all in bright shirts that have a rainbow on them, and they’re carrying several signs as well. “I forget what it’s called, but it’s for gay people.”

Nile pulls into a spot. “Pride Parade,” Nile answers.

“Yeah! We should go after we get banned from wherever we’re going!” Suggest a haunted house once, get banned, and no one will let go of it. How was she supposed to know that Nicky’s reaction to Joe screaming would be to turn feral?

Nile turns the car off and looks at her passengers. “Surprise! We’re going to Pride!” She looks at Nicky. “Please don’t get us banned. I don’t know how that would even happen, but please don’t get us banned.”

Nicky smiles. “I can make no promises, but I will try hard not to.” That’s good enough for Nile!

“We’re not appropriately dressed,” Quynh says, watching as another group passed their car. “We need more colors.”

Nile scoffs. “I prepared, honey. Everything is in the trunk.”

By the time they get to the parade, it’s just starting. There are more than a hundred thousand people lined up on the streets, all buzzing with infectious energy, cheering on the people in the middle.

“Dykes on Bikes?” Quyhn asks, pointing to a group of women riding motorcycles. “Are there Dykes on Horses?”

Andy wraps an arm around Quynh’s waist. “People these days don’t value horses.”

“They’re wrong. But, okay.” Everyone but Nile nods in agreement.

Before this can turn into another horses-are-great rant, Nile gets their attention with a wave of her hand. “Let’s get drinks, and then we can enjoy the parade.”

“I’ll go with you. They can stay here,” Booker says, sidestepping around Joe. “They don’t get to see this very often.”

“Cool, any requests?”

“Something sweet,” Joe says.

Darn, she can’t bring a bottle of tequila back. What are they going to drink now?

“Colorful,” Nicky adds.

“Anything is fine,” Andy says, and Quynh nods.

“Alright, I can do sweet and colorful. You guys stay here; come on, Book.”

They find a frozen daiquiri bar towards the middle. It’s absolutely swamped. The ten frazzled employees are dashing around like headless chickens to fill cup after cup as fast as they can. Of course, Nile and Booker choose this one.

“Hi, what can I get you?” The cashier asks once they’re at the front.

“Six monster yards pride drinks,” Booker orders, handing over his card.

“That’ll be $134.86, thank you. Can I say, it’s very nice of you to support your daughter.”

Nile stares at the guy and then promptly bursts into laughter. Oh my god. This is definitely the best day she’s had in years. Booker is looking at the cashier like he lost his damned mind.

“I-I’m sorry, I just thought-I’ll get your drink,” the cashier says, cheeks a bright red.

“I don’t look that old,” Booker touches his face, lingering on the wrinkles on his forehead. “Do I?”

“You are old!” Nile reminds him, swatting his hand away from his face.

“Your drinks,” the cashier says, putting them all on the counter. “Thank you for stopping by, and I’m sorry again for the rude comment.”

Nile waves him off and picks up three drinks. “Thanks! Now, come on, Dad.”

The other’s eyes widen when they see them with their drinks. It’s understandable, the cups were only 48 oz, but instead of building the cups wider, they went taller.

“They didn’t have anything bigger?” Nicky asks, relieving Nile of two of the drinks. He hands one to Joe.

“They were all out of kegs,” Nile responds. “Hope it meets your colorful criteria.”

Nicky looks down at his bright, rainbow-themed drink and his lips quirk up at the corners. “I think this will do.”

“These are amazing!” Quynh exclaims, taking another sip of her drink. Almost half of it is gone already. “You gotta get more!”

“Wow,” Andy says once she swallows her first sip. “These are good.”

“Nicky and I will get the next round,” Joe pipes up, and holy crap. There are only a couple more sips left in his cup.

Have these people never drank a frozen daiquiri before? Or a spiked slushy?

“That’s fine by me,” Booker says, glaring at his drink.

“What happened to you?” Joe asks.

“He’s upset that the cashier thought he was my dad,” Nile answers.

Joe laughs with delight, letting Booker shove him. “Nicky and I are definitely going back then. Have to support local businesses, you know?”

They have a great time. Nile doesn’t think she’s ever seen them all so loose in a public setting before. Joe’s tucked neatly under Nicky’s arm, tangling his fingers with the hand he’s currently under. Andy is standing behind Quynh, both arms wrapped around her neck, chin hooked on her shoulder.

Booker and her end up going back to get the second round. The third too. Nile taps out after that, she has to drive, and she hasn’t exactly been testing her alcohol metabolism rate.

As they’re leaving, Quynh lets out a shriek and runs across the street. Several heads turn her way, and they all watch as Quynh skids to a halt in front of an animal shelter tent.

“A dog!” Joe excitedly says, jogging over to join Quynh.

“Dios,” Nicky mutters, stalking after his husband.

“We’re getting a dog,” Booker sighs and finishes the last of his drink. “There’s going to be shit everywhere.”

“You don’t think Nicky is enough?” Nile asks.

“No,” Andy answers, crossing her arms. “He’s going to fold.”

Nile turns to look at her. “Why aren’t you getting your wife?”

“She’s more than that.” Nile rolls her eyes. “But if I go over, we’re getting more than one dog.”

“You like dogs?”

“She likes pussy,” Booker says and laughs when Andy smacks his arm. “I hope they don’t get a puppy.”

“God, those things yap,” Andy takes another sip of her drink. “They better not get a small dog.”

Nile looks across the street. As Andy said, Nicky has definitely lost the argument. They’re all petting the puppies, and man, Nile really hopes she doesn’t get a million dollars. How awful that would be.

Five minutes later, Quynh and Joe come skipping back, a puppy in each of their arms. Nicky is carrying some papers as well as two leashes.

Quynh holds the puppy out to them. “This is Max, and that’s Ollie! They’re Australian Shepherds!”

Nile pets Max; she’s not a monster and looks up at Nicky. “You’re weak.”

Nicky sighs. “I know.”

[farragoofnotes]

Merrick’s actual plan: A rebuttal.

God. Okay. Fine.

I've been so reluctant to make this post because I absolutely hate to waste a single moment on Dudley Pharmerrick. But I’m getting tired of the ‘they’re trying to make super soldiers’ take I’ve been seeing around more and more. So this is my attempt to stop that from becoming uncontested Fanon.

Because Andy's healing abilities are not what he's interested in.

I’ve said it before, that he’s an absolutely uninteresting villain. He’s one-note, he’s static. He tells us, and also a crowd of medical industry investors, what he wants right off the bat: It’s money. He just wants money. “Investment drives my enthusiasm” is such an excellent line, they’re really shouting from the rooftops “this guy is a rich douchebag and that’s all you need to know about him.”

And like, yeah, sure, it’s not only money. He’s very into himself: His company’s named after himself, presumably so he can do that Avengers 2012  "he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered on it” thing. He boasts about being the youngest ceo in pharma in what sounds like the tail end of a tantrum over not making a 30 under 30 list, he dresses to fit in among the upper echelon of the Silicon Valley. He has that line about ‘what my products can do.’ (Yeah because you definitely had literally anything to do with the science side of things). He wants to be King Lear, except he forgets that it’s a tragedy, and Lear inevitably dies.

But he doesn’t have Lear’s fatal flaw. Like, yes he’s arrogant, but that’s not what kills him. What kills him is greed.

And like! I know! I absolutely know that isn’t interesting. It’s just basic plot comprehension: Copley says he probably can get Dudley one of the immortals with whom to do whatever poking and prodding for samples he likes, and Dudley rejects it.

Right there, in the limo, he seals his fate. The gang had literally just finished a year apart on hiatus, and Andy was quitting again. With Booker to assure them (via his Incomparable Tech Genius, which is actually just his Lying) that the video hadn’t spread any further, they would’ve thought they’d stopped up the leak with Copley’s death and gone their separate ways again. Booker could’ve been strapped to a table for months with no one the wiser

Instead, Dudley demands "all." Later he explains that if they’re walking around, his competitors can get those same samples, make those same leaps, ending his dominion over the whole market.

And that's the key, I think. He desperately wants this monopoly, to be the only one able to offer this product and the only one able to reap the profits.

He says his cancer drug, put on the market last quarter, has already saved hundreds of thousands of lives. Yeah, right. Cancers are too different from each other for him to have gotten a broad hitting drug that is lifesaving, and when you start breaking them down by type there just aren’t enough cases to save that many people in 3-6 months. Like I realize that none of this is particularly feasible biotechnobabble, but still.

Made him hundreds of thousands of “quid” though? I absolutely believe it. I'd be surprised it isn't millions, but I will bow to the expertise of the person who made that one post about ‘you paid for testing on over .25 million ACTUAL MICE? you paid for ALL THAT? you didn’t use EMBRYOS or something you got them to full mouse stage!?’ to accept that maybe they had to make up for that expenditure first.

So with this as evidence, we can go with the assumption the movie is pushing: That this dude cares about the financial bottom line, not hyping himself up on the amount of good that he’s doing for people.

And let’s focus on how he talks about Andy.

Dudley, at the start of the scene where the private force acquires Andy and Booker, is above it all. He’s got what he wants, which means there’s no reason to think about it. He’s literally standing over Copley and Andy on the floor, over Booker being forced to crouch by his captors.

It’s not until Booker tells him that Andy’s not immortal anymore, that it’s gone, that Dudley gets interested. He wants a closer look, he gets down on her level. He starts thinking, asking questions: “Now, how old are you?” “Between Sudan and now, something’s changed. Find out what.”

Copley tells him that the testing might kill her now and not only does he say “we don’t stop,” but he also tells his pet doctor “keep her alive at all costs.”

All costs, from a man obsessed with money. All costs, from a man who doesn’t take risks without investment first.

Later, when the worldshattering news that there is a new immortal on the stage breaks, the seventh one in all of human history as far as we know, we get absolutely nothing from him. Nothing about “we have to capture her too!” Nothing about the scientific discoveries to be made with a brand new immortal to compare to the older ones.

No, he’s focused entirely on Andy. “You selfish, little bitch,” he says in a low voice, gun pointed right at her which makes clear that it’s not Nile he’s addressing here. And then he raises his voice for “I will kill her!” which means he’s addressing anyone other than Andy: He sees Nile, but he doesn’t know who else might be around. And then he’s back to Andy.

“All the lives you could save,” he tells her, when she literally can’t. There is nothing he can get from her now that will help him. The immortality is gone. There is nothing that separates her from him anymore. Nile is the one he should be saying that too, Nile the one he should be trying to convince.

But Andy is the one he thinks is “priceless.” Andy, who is merely mortal.

What is Dudley after here?

Monopoly.

Vertical, this time, and over absolutely everyone.

He wants to be producing immortality and its end. He wants to be the disease and its treatment.

It’s the metaphorical apex, the logical end result for Big Pharma conceptually: He wants to get every single person in the world literally paying him to stay alive.

Because if they don’t, he can dole out their deaths whenever he so chooses.

And in my opinion, that’s so much worse than super soldiers.

[fluerallinmylis]

ANGST AHEAD LOVELIES!!!

NO SERIOUSLY - I HAVE SURPASSED MY USUAL ANGST LEVELS - WE ARE AT DEF CON 4 FOLKS!! IT IS FREAKING DARK FOR A BIT!!

So most of these are stated without going into specifics but I do go into the creation of children to be trained as future soldiers. I do not have any Child Psychology to back me, and most of what I am basing this from is various sci-fi movies and the TV show Dark Angel.

Heed the warnings, Lovelies. I don’t go specific but it is there.

Dead Dove: Do Not Eat!

Warnings: Child Death, Child Abuse, Institutionalized Abuse, Military Grooming, Medical procedures on minors (unspecified), Training of Child Soldiers,  Possible Child character death (in later chapters), Medical Procedures, Bio-Engineering, Unethical Medical Practices, Genetic Tampering, Non-Consensual Body Modification, SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), Temporary Main Character Death as per The Old Guard. I think that’s the worst.

(let me know if I missed something)

Title: That Would Be Enough

Fandom:The Old Guard (2020)

Status: 2/? WIP

Summary: It’s been almost a decade since the Merrick debacle. Almost as long since their wayward brother slipped into the shadows of the modern world and only sporadically checked in to send gifts. But a quick jaunt through Italy may prove the serendipity they needed to become a family again.

Perhaps even grow....

Nicky

“I apologize it took so long to get this to you, but I felt I had to ….”

“Verify the sources?”

Nicky tightened his grip on his Joe’s hand. Ever since Joe had returned from the Market, he had been upset. His love had tossed the bag of sweets on the kitchen counter and knelt at his feet, wrapping his arms around his waist and hiding his face against Nicky’s stomach. Such actions weren’t uncommon for them but to do so in the kitchen, without a single word passed between them? Joe had said that Copley had vital information for them, that they needed to contact him immediately, then whispered softly to him,

“Booker is here, with Quynh. But Nicolo, he had a girl with him…. Oh my heart, she has your eyes. I fear what the truth they spoke may mean, but she has your eyes.”

Joe had buried his head without another word then continued to hold to him as a drowning man would his last anchor.

Nile had quickly set up a secure connection for the laptop and printer and proceeded to print several dozens of pages. They had all looked over the first few pages, then Nile had immediately taken to the laptop while Andy called Copley. He had quietly coaxed Joe up and onto the couch, where they were now, with his arms holding his other half as he pressed tight against Joe’s back. Even after looking at several of the documents himself, he could scarcely believe what they said.

“The facility where this data came from has been wiped from the map,” Copley said from the video connection on the laptop. “Whoever went after them, there is barely any of the structure left that hasn’t been razed to the ground by fire or explosives. But, there IS enough to confirm my suspicions.”

“Copley, these are kids,” Nile stressed, waving a handful of papers. Copley himself nodded, running his hand over his face.

“I am aware. It appears that Dr. Mita Kozak, Merrick’s lead scientist during the Debacle, took what information and samples she could when fleeing. She found funding with another private think tank and then proceeded to,” at this point Copley refers to his own papers, “‘use bio-engineering to enhance tomorrow’s soldiers.’ From the data and documents Booker sent to me, She used the samples she took from all of you, as well as his initial samples, and used illegal cloning practices to try and –”

“What ‘initial samples’?” Nicky found himself interrupting. All eyes turned to him, then to the laptop where Copley looked confused.

“The initial samples Booker gave when he brokered the original deal.”

“What ‘original deal?’” Andy demanded.

Even hundreds of miles away, Copley leaned away from her. “The original deal with Merrick was that he would receive the samples from the base kill room and Booker as a live and only test subject. Booker was to walk in to the building two days after the mission and surrender himself. It was Merrick who changed the arrangements and demanded all of you. When he brought you to my home, he had said he would show you the blueprints and plans to get your men out in trade for himself. Your new mortality and Keane derailed that plan.”

“And when were you going to tell us this?” His lover growled in his most dangerous tone. He himself was quickly reaching the point of murder. Sebastien had made a deal only for himself? He hadn’t sold ALL of them to Merrick? Then why were they just hearing this now?!

“Booker said that he would tell you before you made your verdict,” Copley stated and silence reigned. A quick search of faces told that their brother had done no such thing, hadn’t told anyone. It might not have made a difference given the hurt and betrayal they felt then, but to know that he had been taken advantage of as well? That he had not gladly led them to that madwoman, but had been tricked alongside them?

“We’ll get back to that,” Andy announced then turned back to the pictures in her hand. “Tell us about what that Bitch did.”

Copley took a deep breath before beginning, “From the notes and information Booker saved, Kozak used genetic cloning to attempt to create more Immortals. During the initial tests, one set of embryos were injected with a contaminated sample of two of your DNA, instead of receiving a single donor sample. Of the,” Copley paused here and swallowed heavily, “‘the Alpha batch,’ only the that set of embryos survived past the first trimester. When they did amniotic testing to see why, they discovered that the two samples had somehow merged to create a new DNA helix. Kozak then purposely did so with 4 more embryos, and each survived to birth.”

“How many?” he forced past the tightness in his throat. Copley ran his hand across his face again then sagged against his chair.

“The first were two embryos were implanted into the same woman. Due to contaminated lab protocols, both Nicky and Booker’s DNA was injected after the embryonic DNA was removed. One boy and one girl were born on October 19th, seven years ago. The ‘Beta batch’ were four embryos injected with only Nicky and Joe’s DNA.”

“Six children,” Joe whispered, then turned to face him. Tears welled in his eyes because this? This was a dream that NONE of them had dared to dream, an impossibility both because of their Immortality and then again from who they were. But Six? He had SIX CHILDREN?! A daughter and five sons – two by his Sebastien and four by his Yusuf?!

“Three,” Copley whispered and those tears fell for entirely different reasons. Copley cleared his throat then met them with solemn eyes.

“One of the boys died as an infant, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is listed as Cause of Death. Another had an adverse reaction to a procedure and was unable to be resuscitated. One fell during what is termed a ‘training exercise.’ He died on impact of a broken neck. The girl was deemed ‘undesirable for future training’ and was left while the remaining were sent to another facility. The last records state that they were attempting to harvest her bone marrow due to an accelerated healing factor roughly an eighth of your own. They list a time of death shortly before the destruction of the first lab and facility – ”

“No, she lives,” Joe argued. “She has Nicky’s eyes and Booker’s hair and she – She lives! Booker had her in the Market earlier, and he mentioned Quynh protecting them both!” He stood quickly rounding on Andy with a calm desperation few ever saw. “That level of destruction, of complete annihilation? To protect one she considers family, Andy? She would do all that more and if she started her attack as they performed these tests –”

“We contact Booker first,” Andy said lowly. She was still in shock but hope and experience made her push thru, as did their own. “We meet him first and find out what is true or not. Copley, he gave you a number?”

The younger man nodded. “He is currently staying in a Villa, twenty minutes past the opposite side of town. Satellite imagery shows three heat signatures. I’m sending the directions and his number to your phone.”

“While we’re doing this, dig into anything you can about Kozak and where those other kids are. Any and all information, I don’t care how outrageous.” At this, she reached out and grasped Joe by his neck, bringing him close to press forehead to forehead. “We will find them and we will bring them home.”

“Everyone,” Joe said with tears in his voice and Nicky could only close his eyes and breathe deeply.

“Everyone,” Andy repeated.

Nile and Copley began discussing other matters but he blocked them out as his chest tightened and grief swelled within him. Gentle hands clasped his own and he opened his eyes to Andromache pulling him to stand, hugging him tightly and whispering that “We WILL find them. I PROMISE you, we will.” He could only nod, no words escaping his throat, and then HE was there. His Yusuf, His companion for this entire immortal journey, his soul and heart given physical form. He took his hand and led them away, to their room. Try as he might to keep quiet, he choked twice in an effort to keep his tears inside, but then the door was shut and he was surrounded by the sight/touch/smell of home…..

…. and he broke….

His tears and grief fell from him in agony and he clutched to his man with all the strength he had been given. He grieved for the young lives that had been lost, for the children they would never know. He grieved for the horrors that-that monster would have visited upon his children, THEIR CHILDREN for they would ALL be THEIR CHILDREN if he had his say. He grieved for the time lost, for not being there to see all their firsts, their joys or fears, their likes and dislikes and that which made them them. He held tight to the other half of him and grieved in his Husband’s arms even as rage boiled low and fierce in his heart.

“They will die screaming,” he promised in a hiss of breath, faces pressed close and staring into equally grief-stricken yet enraged eyes. “We will end all of them then we will live.”

“We will bring Him home,” and he shuddered in relief because Yusuf could only mean one Him when he spoke to him in that voice, “And we will raise our children. And if any try to stop or take them from us….”

Here they both bared their teeth in snarls that they remembered from the first glimpses they had across a battlefield. Yes, should any try to stop them, they would bring down 900 years of war upon their entire bloodline. They will wage war and they will WIN but for now….. Now they will grieve the children stolen from them before they even knew. They will rebuild each other’s broken parts and then be stronger for it. But for now, they wept.

[bylightofdawn]

So I watched the Old Guard yesterday on Lisia’s suggestion and kinda fell in love with this utterly ridiculous film. And proceeded to live stream all my reactions to it while she was away, thus filling her poor discord with 20 messages that essentially boiled down to my pterodactyl screaming over Nicky and Joe in particular having a 1,000 year old homosexual romance and they still love each other and ugh 2020 is a terrible yea but a part of me cannot get over the idea of a major film not only having two out and gay protagonists but actually painting their relationship not in  a shitty, tropey and disrespectful light. 

I grew up watching the Highlander movies/the terribad TV series  so I have a soft spot for immortals  walking through history and how much that would utterly suck. Booker’s whole convo about having to sit there and watch everyone you know and love die while you have to go on is just....unnnnnnnnfff. Sums up how much the whole immortal trope would be the actual worst.

But then you have Nicky and Joe who quite literally are enemies to lovers trope brought to fucking life being there for each other through the centuries and my little shipper heart has melted. I also felt patently ridiculous cause everyone in this movie with the exception of maybe Booker was giving me gay and bi-disaster vibes. And just imagine that energy being the whole shtick for the key to immortality being a gay warrior type. 

Though real talk? This movie seriously gave me Action Pack movie vibes which were just backdoor pilots for various tv series like Hercules. 

I legit got the feel this was netflix testing the waters to see if people would watch something like this and I kinda want this to become a thing. Either a movie series of a tv series and I would shamelessly watch the shit out of that. I am kinda living for Joe and his supreme petty bitch energy and am seriously hoping we get some good fic out of this fandom.

[reverseracism]

Hey, bruh, do you have a minute?

Of course, I do. You look concerned. Is something wrong?

I was just about to ask you the same question, bruh. Are you OK? I just saw a bunch of tweets that didn’t make sense. They were calling you racist, and they mentioned Toyotas, and something about The Tonight Show band and the place where you work. It really didn’t make sense, so I thought I’d come directly to you.

Oh, that? Yeah, Tucker Carlson is beefing with The Root as being racist against white people.

Wait, who is Tucker Carlson?

Tucker Carlson is a white man.

That’s all you got; he’s a white man?

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to minimize Tucker Carlson. Tucker Carlson is not just a white man, he’s the white man.  

When you hear black people say, “the white man is a motherfucker,” they’re probably talking about Tucker Carlson. If you looked up “white man” in some dictionaries, there’s just a picture of Tucker. He’s such an unremarkable white man, the universe named him after a penis-hiding process. Tucker!

Everything about him screams white. He thinks he’s smarter than he really is. He pretends he’s not racist, but everyone knows he is. His face is always adorned with a Lord Petyr Baelish-like smirk that is a mixture of evil, arrogance, and bitch-ass-ness. He has a show on Fox News even though he’s not especially interesting, good-looking or talented. He’s perfectly mediocre. There’s only one way to describe him:

Tucker Carlson is a white man.

But what does that have to do with you? Or The Root? Or racism. Or Corollas? I’m still confused.

That’s what I’m here for.

On Wednesday at 11:09 a.m., I received a perfectly mediocre email from the head booker at Tucker Carlson Tonight (notice the perfectly mediocre name of the show). They requested an interview, saying: “We often see your pieces in The Root, and we’d be interested in discussing many of the themes relating to race in our country that you often analyze.”

That seems perfectly mediocre. So you told them “yes”?

Well, as soon as I read the email, my “nigga senses” started tingling.

Your what?

My nigga senses. You see, there are many black people who possess a superherolike sense of detecting white fuckery from afar. Whenever I smell Caucasian shenanigans, I feel a tingling at the tips of my fingers and toes. Some people, including my doctor, think I should be tested for the gout, but trust me, it’s a superpower. It’s like Spider-Man’s spidey senses. When I first discovered them, I put in an application with the X-Men, but they haven’t called back. I know it’s because Wolverine be hating on me.

So what did you do when you felt the tingling?

I did what any smart black man should do: I asked a black woman—specifically my editor in chief Danielle Belton. I knew she would give me a thoughtful, well-reasoned, educated response.

And what did she say?

“Don’t do it. Issa trap.”

Those were her exact words. So I emailed the Tucker Carlson show with a keenly worded email detailing my hesitation to appear on the show. I think my response illustrated my feelings that I don’t think productive conversations about race can be had in 4-minute segments. Furthermore, I know Fox News tries to include black people so it can make it seem like it’s not racist to its racist audience. I’m not saying that everyone who watches Fox News is a racist. I’m just saying that all racists watch Fox News.

I also think I perfectly outlined my recollection that the last time I was asked to appear on Fox News on Laura Ingram’s show, I was replaced by Tariq Nasheed after I declined. I believe my email succinctly summed up my apprehensions.

That’s dope. It must have been a long email. Can you read it to me?

No problem, I know it by heart. My email to Tucker Carlson Tonight read:

“Nah, Fam. I’m good.”

Wow. So that’s why they’re mad? Because you didn’t come on the show?

No, it gets better. It turns out, my nigga senses were right. It was a trap. They wanted to lure me on the show to talk about why The Root hates white people so much.

Basically, they wanted me to explain why it’s OK to be white.

Damn, that’s cold. But I still don’t understand what this has to do with Questlove, Black Thought or Priuses.

Well, Tucker Carlson decided that his viewers should boycott The Root and our sponsors. One of our sponsors is Toyota. So Tucker decided to do what Sean Hannity did when he convinced the dumb whites (my least-favorite flavor of vanilla) to smash their Keurig coffee machines. But Fox News viewers are the people who voted for an alleged pedophile who rode a horse to the polls, so they aren’t as internet savvy as you would think.

Somewhere I imagine Black Thought is checking his Twitter feed and wondering what the hell is going on.

So are you upset that you are being painted as a racist?

Here’s the thing: Some people will say I am a coward for not going on Tucker’s show to face him and defend myself. I have no need to explain me, my writings, or anything on The Root to a bunch of people whose minds won’t be changed in 40-second sound bites by a black guy they invited on so the host could paint him as anti-white anyway.

And why would I smear Tucker Carlson’s mediocre whiteness as racist?

I have written a lot of incendiary things about white people. I won’t shy away from that. I have called white people racist and made fun of their dancing skills, their potato salad and how often they shoot up schools. I created the Wypipo Awards and held an entire Wypipo Tournament to find the worst of the worst. But none of the articles Tucker Carlson listed were written by me!

He literally called a random black guy to explain why the works of another black guy were racist. Which. Is. Racist. But you know ... I guess we all write alike.

But is The Root racist against white people?

Dammit, man! You’re going to make me reveal the secret to our sauce. OK, I’ll reveal it, but make sure you don’t tell anyone. Here it is: No one at The Root hates white people. We hate racism. The reason we are often called racists is because of an old Southern saying: “A hit dog will holler.”

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

It means if you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, only the one who is hit will let out a yelp. The rest just go on about their business.

A woman once took umbrage with my portrayal of white people, called me a “black gangbanger” and asked me how that made me feel. I told her it did not bother me because I am not a gangbanger. I went about my business. Yet, some white people are so racist, that when we throw rocks at racism, they think we are targeting white people. They are hit dogs. That’s why they holler.

The white people hollering at Questlove and driving their Rav4s back to the Toyota dealership will never be killed because The Root racially profiled them. The Root has never sent Fox News viewers’ children to underfunded white schools. The Root doesn’t subject Tucker Carlson’s fans to longer prison sentences because they are white. The Root has never issued a travel ban against mediocre white boys or tried to deport the Caucasians who come to our country and take our jobs. But, to be fair, the entire staff at The Root wouldn’t mind if someone built a wall around Fox News, but we don’t have the funding.

And some of them, we suppose, are good people.

So how will you settle this?

We probably won’t. Historically, white people don’t have a long record of taking shit back. Plus, the idea of a hip-hop beef between Fox News andThe Root seems like fun. I don’t know if Tucker is P. Diddy or Suge Knight in this scenario, but I bet Tucker won’t be talking that shit when I roll up with The Root staff and the X-Men in my used 4Runner.

So you don’t feel bad at all?

I’ll be honest. There was one small part of the clip that made me feel a little bad about this entire Caucasian kerfuffle: when Tucker Carson, looked into a camera and said:

“Attacking people on the basis of their race is wrong. That was the standard, and for a long time almost everybody in America believed it.”

I won’t lie. My stomach is still sore from laughing so hard.

[secretradiobrooklyn]

Plant Shadow Edition | 2.27.21

Secret Radio | 2.27.21 | Hear it here.

Liner notes by Evan, art by Paige

1. Stéfan - “J’suis pas méchant”

In our continuing dive into French music for French culture we have been finding our way towards the origins of French punk — which apparently all springs from the overnight, international, transformative success of Plastic Bertrand’s “Ça Plane Pour Moi.” That created a sudden realization in the French music industry that punk had big potential, and they started trying all kinds of variations on punk… or “paink,” as it’s spelled locally. Basically, it was treated like a novelty fad. I don’t know anything about Stéfan beyond what he wants me to know, which is that he is not mean (“méchant”). I think that’s adorable, getting all wound up just to tell us not to be scared. I hope the whole band is like 10 years old.

2. African Brothers Band - “Ngyegye No So” - “Afro-Beat Airways”

Credit as always to Analog Africa for providing the very best in the history of African rock. This is from the first volume of “Afro-Beat Airways,” this one focused on “West African Shock Waves: Ghana & Togo 1972-1978.” The first pressing sold out a while ago, but they just put together a repress. Their packaging is always stellar, full of useful information about bands and musicians that it is difficult to research alone. The compilation was the result of a happy accident: AA founder/research adventurer Samy Ben Redjeb had a flight from Frankfurt to Angola get canceled, so he picked a flight to Ghana instead, where he hooked up with the once-legendary (in Africa) producer Essiebons, who had just digitized about 800 previously recorded songs. From that came “Afro-Beat Airways,” which is just overflowing with a huge variety of rock and funk and psych shamanism and catchy hooks.

There’s a great passage in the middle of the song that bears noting: “Yes! Clap for him,” says the singer of the keyboard player, then announces, “I’m now going to introduce myself,” lists his accomplishments in the band — composer, singer, arranger, master guitarist — and then says, “Now: I will give you some phrases on the guitar. You watch me,” and proceeds to wind some gorgeously rhythmic lead patterns through the tapestry the band has set up. It’s such a real, recognizable moment, that really helps translate the song from a hypnotic slab of funk to a performance by a band unfolding right in front of you.

3. They Might Be Giants - “Don’t Let’s Start”

Thanks to our recent rediscovery that “Birdhouse in Your Soul” is a thoroughly excellent song, we’ve started into a TMBG period. My favorite thing in re-encountering them is that they’re such pure geeks of theater and band and video and books — which is exactly how I saw them at the time, and it’s so great to see it stand the test of time. It still feels extremely unique and tuned to a frequency that is transmitting cool new ideas. And: they’re so concise! So much happens in the songs they make — it’s like they write a full-on pop song arrangement, and then just trim out every measure that doesn’t feature vocals. You can get so much done that way in two and a half minutes!

4. Ata Kak - “Obaa Sima”

I love this tape so, so much, and we’re aware of it thanks to Awesome Tapes from Africa. The lead adventurer of that label bought a copy of this tape at a street table in Ghana (I think), fell hard for it, then went on a hunt to find the artist Ata Kak, finally did, they found that the original master tapes were hopelessly destroyed, and together they realized that as far as they could tell, he had bought the ONLY locatable copy of the tape. That’s the one that you are hearing here — this is the opening track. ATFA sold it as a combo cassette tape and tea towel, which I personally think is a really odd pairing. Like, is the tea towel for handling the cassette? Still, it’s turned out to be a very welcome tea towel in the kitchen.

Apparently the copy we hear runs faster (and higher) than the original. They decided to present it as the artifact was originally discovered, holding that even more important than releasing as Ata Kak originally intened. I think it sounds so freakin amazing, I’m glad they presented as is. 

5. Evariste - “Wo I Nee”

Such a strange character! This song was released in 1967, but it sounds (and looks) completely outside any norm of any decade. For starters, the singer is wearing his hair as if a monkey were up there — a big tail drops down and curls across his nose.  The song structure is traditional, but the sounds that he makes are just something else entirely. 

Really, the video does all the work that the song hasn’t already done:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOfdJ8ZcLJc

- The Velvet Underground - “Booker T. - live in NYC 1967”

6. Abdel Halim Hafez - “Ahwak”

We were surprised to see we had a new soundcloud follower in Egypt, and we looked at their playlist and they were all songs as cool as this. We still have no idea how they ended up on Sleepy Kitty though. Great tracks though!

7. Boreal Hills - “Belcher” - “Dope Hugs EP”

Man, this EP was one of the prizes of being the Eleven editor. This thing was the soundtrack of a fantastic summertime. St. Louis freakos’ first release and forever my favorite. Tom O’Connor is the drummer on this EP and the two guys together just make this killer ruckus that I can’t get enough of. Also, it hits the reptile part of my brain where Swell Maps’ “Full Moon in the Headlights” reigns. Tom does tons of cool recording now, including Julian’s band Nerve Estates.

Every track of “Dope Hugs” could be a hit in my opinion. I feel like the pop world could have bent itself around this set of recordings. It reminds me of Jeff The Brotherhood in some ways, though I have to admit I prefer Boreal Hills in this moment.

8. Strychnine - “Ex BX”

‘70s French paink music. There’s a really entertaining summation of some of the forces French painks were rebelling against — “to bring together the wicked use of guitars with an unfathomable disgust for everything and a skin-deep boredom which undermined as much as they nourished the adolescent daily life.” It sounds very sincere and hard-felt. I can’t wait to dig deeper into this “Paink French Punk Albums 1977-1982”; already had to restrain myself from including an Electrochoc track as well.

9. David Bowie - “Queen Bitch” 

It’s really impressive how Bowie can paint feelings I believe he was feeling, that I’ve never felt but that I can get through him. He’s a pure uncut crystal of glam. His heavy rhythm rock period is pretty much the most exciting rock n roll in the world.

10. Le Tigre - “Hot Topic”

Paige: I don’t think any of my teachers were ACTUALLY using this song as a syllabus, but there’s a very high overlap. 

I personally feel like underlining Marlon Riggs — “Tongues Untied” was one of the most amazing things I’d ever seen when I saw it in History of Video Art. Also just noticed: Did they say Justin Bond? As in Justin Vivian Bond?

This is the first of two songs this episode that has lists of idols/icons in the lyrics.

11. Erkin Koray - “Arap Saçi”

We’ve been meaning to look further into Erkin Korya’s Turkish psych music, and this one has high overlap with “Cemalim,” the first song of his we heard. This one lands a little harder — and I love the way it pulls the melody in unexpected direction, like it’s floating on different breezes. The singer sounds like he was transformed into a singing hookah.

12. The Little Rabbits - “In the Bathroom”

This album is one of the all-time most overlooked gems from the turn of the millennium: “Yeah!,” by the Little Rabbits. My impression is that they got bigger later, maybe? This one seems to have disappeared pretty much without a trace, even though I swear it contains some of the DNA of Beck’s smash genre-bender “Odelay.” I don’t understand why this album wasn’t gigantic — it’s as turned on as Sonic Youth but coming from a completely different perspective. I hope they were all friends at least. 

- The Velvet Underground - “Booker T. - live in NYC 1967”

13. Les Rita Mitsuoko - “Marcia Baïla”

They have a song called “Les Histoires d’Amour Finnisent Mals en General” that Paige’s French teacher referred to in passing. We looked up the song and it was awesome. The more we checked em out, the more interesting they got. Everybody seems to have a background in clown in France, we have found.

A pretty worthwhile video experience: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zWlnzFXcKY

14. The Brims - “Anti Gandja”

This song arrived to us via a collection called “Those Shocking Shaking Days,” which Eleven received from Now Again Records. I dug it but couldn’t find a place for it in my brain. Now it fits right in. The collection is gorgeously made, with a fat book of photos and text and 20 heavy Indonesian psych tracks that pretty much all trip way past San Francisco albums from the same time. They’re so committed to the psychedelic overdose… even when singing a song about NOT smoking weed.

15. Cave - “This Is the Best”

There were so many nights at the Art Castle on Cherokee where we had to make peace with the music coming through the walls from 2720. It was so bass-heavy, so anarchic and often key-free, that we really couldn’t counter-program it if we tried.

One night, though, we heard something undeniably cool through the wall. That happened from time to time — that’s how we discovered Aleuchatistas and Prince Rama, among various others. We dropped what we were doing and slipped in the door that shared a secret hallway with our spot, behind where the band was set up. Turned out to be Cave, a band we knew of via Chicago and a very loose acquaintance with Rotten Milk from the Lumpen scene. The whole show was an ecstatic experience, getting lost in a rowdy, ever-circling, ever-growing drone. But the song that brought it all together was this one — I completely lost my shit, crashing around the dance floor zone. When we learned the name of the song from them afterwards, “This Is the Best,” I was like, YES: so they know it as well as we do. We’re all in this drone together.

16. Marpessa Dawn - “La petit cuica”

Paige has been interested in who Marpessa Dawn in for awhile — she’s a black American from Pittsburgh. She apparently went to Franc4 and became a start in music and films. She was in a ton of films. She’s not very well known in the States, but it seems like kind of a next-generation Josephine Baker story — or at least that’s what it is in my fantasy. 

17. Ebo Taylor & The Sweet Beans - “Odofo Nyi Akyiri Biara”

The first several things I found by Ebo Taylor really didn’t hook me, and I think I felt like he was working a different angle than I was into. But then lately I’ve been hearing these amazing tracks from him, so I stand corrected. Which is a win all around!

18. Hedwig and the Angry Inch - “Midnight Radio”

Paige: It’s the only time that something that is a rock musical truly works as a work of rock itself. One of two if you count “Rocky Horror.” I can listen to this soundtrack as a rock album — in a way that Rent, love it as I may, I cannot.

Evan: I’m recognizing some serious influences on Sleepy Kitty — especially when it gets to the guitar solos. We haven’t gone for the anthemic singalong yet, but the structure that builds to an instrumental crescendo of overwhelming guitars is pretttty familiar. 

- Frank Zappa - “Watermelon in Easter Hay"

We saw the documentary “Zappa” last month and this tune really stands out from the rest. It appears to be the second most popular Zappa track, which I will admit surprises me quite a bit. Great movie to watch, we highly recommend it fan or no. 

19. Jeffrey Lewis - “I Wanna Be Vaccinated”

An anthem for our times.

20. Joan Jett - “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”

I think if I’m honest, I probably heard this version of “Dirty Deeds” before the original. I really like how it has the infinite rock feel of the AC/DC take but with a completely different underemployed hit man in the lead role. A rare case of pure ‘80s glam-rock aesthetic working to advantage.

21. Katerine - “Moment parfait”

Philippe Katerine is a character who would be impossible in American culture — he’s not handsome in any way that American popular art recognizes, and he utilizes the deep-seated instinct for clowning that runs through French culture and pop culture. Meanwhile, though, his melodies are giant, his production is varied but always innovative, he’s a screen actor as well, and his album art features him as a character with large ears, wispy blond hair and an uncircumsized nose — in some contexts we’ve even seen his nose blurred.

Paige: I can’t tell if it’s maybe like if Beck and Jack Black were the same guy in the culture.

22. Teshua - “Wild Dog”

This song is written by one of the most important people in St. Louis for us: Tim Gebauer. We’ve been listening to the ways they’ve been working together for the last few years, when we come over for a late-night hang at Electropolis Studio. This is a song I think we first heard Tim sing and play himself in the kitchen. This version makes gorgeous use of the theatrical aspects of Teshua’s voice cradled inside Tim’s dreamy reverberatingly quiet production.

This song was written suspiciously soon after getting a new cat — a wild cat that didn’t want to come in yet. Aben is beautiful and tough and prowls the streets of south city but comes home to the comforts of his family. 

23. T.P. Orchestre Poly-Rythmo - “Karateka”

I think this song is on “The Skeletal Essences of Afro-Funk,” a T.P. Orchestre collection, but I first consciously ran across it while scouring Discogs for more information about the most Tout Poissant band ever. This one is composed by Papillon, with Joseph Vicky on lead vocals. Papillon is their secret weapon guitarist who can also bust out some trippy Farfisa as needed. 

24. Silver Jews - “The Country Diary of a Subway Conductor”

When we did our welding at the City Museum — before we ever suspected that we would live in St. Louis for a day, much less ten years — we used a quote from this song on the back page of the invitations that we handprinted: “This is the way pioneers took to other settlements.” “Starlite Walker” is one of our all-time favorite albums together; I’ve always dreamed of covering this entire album. The soundscape of this track captures some of my very favorite aspects of Stephen Malkmus’ voice and guitar frenzy… as well as the completely unskilled but perfectly rendered drumming. And over it all wander the characters sketched in by David Berman. He was sometimes the most mysterious voice in rock music, and he wrote my very favorite book of poetry. I will always be partial to this album above all others, though “American Water” and “The Natural Bridge” are right there as well. 

- Dan the Automator - “Bombay 405 Miles” - “Bombay the Hard Way”

25. Amanaz - “Sunday Morning”

This is the most Velvet-Underground-without-being-the-Velvet-Underground bands ever, which is amazing because this song was written in 1968 on the other side of the world from New York, in Zambia, at a time when music had to physically travel miles to reach distant shores. It’s astounding to think of Lou Reed’s instant influence on people he would never meet and likely had never even imagined. It’s very strange as well, though, to think that what this song sounds most like is “Loaded” — which hadn’t yet come out when this song was recorded. I suppose there’s no reason to think that the influence — actual, implied, or somewhere on the astral plane — didn’t run the other way.

[autumn-in-phandom]

Dan&Phil (with no space)

SOLVE THIS CRIME- Dan and Phil play: ‘Layton's Mystery Journey!’ 

Which I think is very cute, has great banter, cooperation, a sassy Dan, a flirty Phil, with no space between them and is definitely worth a re-watch.

Timestamps below the cut because they are lonnng.

0:01 “Hello Dan and Phil Games ‘detectives’"- Phil 0:03 Magnifying glass hand thing, Tomb Raider sound effect and Phil humming Sherlock theme combined 0:11 "Professor Layton, what what"- Dan with hand motions 0:13 Phil holds his composed angelic face while Dan gives the background info. 0:20 Dan sitting by a rainy window pretending to be intellectual. What an image. 0:27 "Lady Layton"- high pitched Dan (find a guy who can do it all) 0:30 "So today I think I'm going to be Sherlock Holmes and you're going to be Watson" -Phil 0:34 "Whatya sayin?"- Dan with that look.

I don't know how they actually feel about Johnlock. They've both referenced it before but have been kind of vague on their stance. Personally I love the show but don't ship them. But the implication of shipping definitely seems to be present and Dan is at the very least feigning disapproval. That or he just wants to be Sherlock. See below.

0:35 "Well I mean, I'm like the Benedict Cumberbatch, I look like Benedict Cumberbatch, I'm more superior at mystery solving."- Nice try Phil. 

Watching Dan's face here is funny, his feigned grumpiness, transitions to a comical frown with a shrug of agreement when Phil says he looks like BC, then a funny scoff to smile at Phil suggesting he's superior.

0:45 Dan bursts Phil's bubble shooting down Scooby Doo 0:49 Woah what a jump cut between happy open mouth Phil to, what do even call that? Is that Phil's resting bitch face? 0:50 Zoom into Dan talking to give Phil a moment to recover. 0:55 "A sneky prev"- Dan 1:00 Playing in Nederlands would add to the mystery or we could test Dan's French.

1:05 "’Katrielle and the Millionaires' Conspiracy’. Dang."- very dramatic Dan 1:09 "I'm already hooked cause there's a little dog outline."- Phil 1:13 "That's all I need to sign up for an app."- Dan 1:19 "Dan&Phil with no space" (what this video should actually be called) 1:24 "Dan question mark Phil?"- strike a pose

(The iPad also assumed it was a typo as it offers Dan&Phil as a suggestion. Earlier suggestions were "Dance" and "Danisnotonfire")

1:33 Phil's monocle/magnifying glass returns with an "aha". Dan claims Phil is "repeating a joke I made at the beginning of the video", not likely Dan. Phil is all joyous laughter. 1:45 "Stop getting paranoid. Not everyone hating another person is about you, Shirley"- Dan (watching Phil's reaction to Dan's rant is hilarious) 1:50 "Are you ready for a video?"- Phil (aka "are you done?") 1:53 "Yeah."- Dan

2:00 "A misty town, in yesteryear." Dan high voice. "I'll stop ruining this." 2:05 They are both delighted by the anime style art 2:12 ‘Daddy!’ "Daddy"- Dan "Daddy. Is the first word you hear."- Phil "Daddy Layton"- Dan nods knowingly. 2:18 "No, this is not Dream Daddy."- Dan  2:29 Sad, guilt, "just a dream." 2:31 "She's got a house plant, which is a lot more alive than all of ours" 2:37 "She opens the curtains, that's why her house plants are alive."- Dan 2:40 "Ohh, that would make sense."- Phil (see Dan's ls) 2:44 Dan supports unpractical fashion choices 2:46 Phil knows a thing or too about diseased English pigeons. 2:53 "I'm going to see some corpses!"- Dan 3:00 London is not a wholesome town 3:05 "Phily's detective world. Mysteries solved for free."- Phil 3:10 "Please I just want company."- Dan after cracking up.

3:13 "Lady and a Tramp." "Nice." 3:15 "Is she gonna eat some sensual spaghetti?"- Phil 3:16 "She's gonna kiss a dog."- Dan 3:19 "The dog's here!"- Phil 3:20 "ADOPT HIM!"- Dan 3:21 "Pet the dog!"- Phil 3:22 "ADOPT HIM RIGHT NOW!"- Dan (okay boys) 3:24 "The dog has a very strange tail."- Dan 3:26 "It's defying gravity." (Wicked on the mind Phil?) 3:30 "I mean okay, I'm sorry, sign me up for talking dog."- Dan 3:45  "Please help, I'm hallucinating talking dogs."- Dan 3:55 "Is it just gonna secrete a cake through the iPad? Cause I'm down for that."- Phil 4:10 "Presuming that we actually ever *mumble mumble*."- Dan 

4:19 "Spoilers abound."- Phil 4:20 "Protection."- Dan 4:27 "Give me a cake!"- Dan 4:29 "Use more of a baker voice."- Phil 4:37 "The Power of Triangles!"- Dan (nice self reference there) 5:01 "What is wrong with you?"- Dan says with fondness 5:10 "That looks less like a K than miine did."- Phil teasing and so close  5:14 "Delet this."- Dan 5:24 "You need to stop saying 'floppy ding dong'."- Phil (um. truth.) 5:35 Phil thinking outside of the box, inside the box, very literally. 5:40 Dan gets really excited by Phil's idea of negative space. Phil gets excited by Dan moving the shapes around. 5:55 The best iPad sharing here. 6:05 Dan starts to get discouraged just as Phil figures it out. 6:10 Dan’s face 6:15 "Mmm (high five) boom."- Dan 6:26 "Well done Phil."- danisasupportivepartner 6:35 "Don't pay me in money, pay me in cakes, that would be a Dan and Phil's detective agency."- Dan 6:40 "How do you like that doggo?"- Phil 6:41 "Up to scratch. Haha ha ha hm."- Dan 6:45 "A bit of a sexy scratch there wasn't it?"- Phil 6:47 "That was a bit weird there, the dog doesn't support that."- Dan 6:48 "Sorry."- Phil (quick, soft, low, subtle banter)

6:55 "I love her voice it's like Hermione Granger meets Beatrix Potter."- Dan 6:59 "What can I do for you?"- Phil imitates her voice, because not only does he look like Voldemort, but he *is* Hermione. 7:15 "I love his ankles rolls because of his floppy skin."- Dan (talking about the dog of course) 7:18 "Aw it's so anime, I love it."- Phil 7:25 "I wanna solve that mystery. That's an ancient civilization?! That looks like a terrifying dystopian future where mantid lizards exist."- Dan 7:36 "Hello. Is that the Watson in this? That looks like you. I'm Lady Layton, you're that guy."- Dan who apparently is fine with the Johnlock dynamic so long as Phil is the Watson character and Dan gets to be a sassy femme Sherlock. (See below) 

7:44 "Ernest."- P 7:45 "Ernest Greeves."- D 7:46 "That's a strong name."- P 7:46 "Amazing."- D 7:47 "I wish I was called Ernest."- P (I think that's what he says) 7:48 "I ship it!"- Dan says all intense and growly 7:55 "Pugsworth." 8:05 "Sherlock exists in the same cannon as Layton."- Dan 8:07 "What"- Phil 8:10 Phil gives the role of Katrelle to Dan. Phil takes Ernest. Dan takes the dog of course and Phil voices Inspector Hastings. 9:30 "In the 'ole of Britain!"- Both in sync, shaking their faces, having fun 9:51 "Frickin slapped. Ernest and Sherl in the corner of Lady Layton's priorities."- Sassy Dan 

10:07 "The Hand That Feeds" (weird fist motion from Phil) 10:12 "Someone's stolen a hand!"- high pitched Dan 10:17 "That's a whole diddly operation."- Dan 10:19 "It was Spider-Man. Tom Holland wants more attention."- Phil 10:21 "Honestly what a fiend(?)"- very quiet Dan 10:34 "Do the lamppost."- Phil (not innuendo just what Dan should be investigating, Phil is trying to get him back on track but is very amused.) 10:39 "Come on, Kat, what are you dawdlin' there for, eh? The case, woman! The case!"- Phil saying dawdlin' and woman in a northern accent is great.  10:40 "Woman."- Dan echos with attitude. 10:49 "Hmph, teachin' Grandma to suck eggs, are ya?" (more things I didn't know I needed to hear Phil say)

10:55 "What bag?"- danisexcited 10:59 Oh my god both their faces right before they say: 11:00 "Wardrobe!"- Both "Yes!"- Phil 11:02 "We found the content!"- Dan Some simple puzzle solving 11:47 "Wait! I want to go in the bag. This is very important."- Dan 11:50 "Wardrobe!" (Sing it Dan!) "Yes!"- Phil 11:54 "Coatless!"- in sync 11:57 "Dating dress"- Dan "Oohh"- both "Oh hel-lo!"- Dan 12:03 "Tomboy. Equestrian ensemble!"- Dan's over the top gestures and Phil's excited face. 12:05 "I want my ensemble to be that."- Phil (of course you do) mirrors Dan's hand to chest movement. 12:07 "Slay me. Jesus."- Dan 12:12 "Sky blue, statement."- Dan 12:14 Phil with the game info. 12:19 "That's me."- Phil 12:20 "Daddy's girl."- Dan 12:21 "Okay that's not me."- Phil laughs

12:30 "He's shady AF"- Phil 12:35 "'Top o' the mornin' to ha!' Its jacksepticeye"- Phil  12:37 What the hell Dan? Calm down. 12:46 "Investigatink"- Dan 12:47 "I can't do an Irish accent."- Phil, belly laugh  12:48 "This is regional dialect reading test the game."- Dan 13:03 "aforementionedly"- both 13:25 "Stachenscarfen"- Dan 13:26 "That's you."- Phil 13:29 "Auf Deutsch"- Dan 13:38 "In a vay, yes. In a vay, no."- Dan (sounds more Austrian) 13:55 Dan yells into the iPad "Out after midnight are you Stachenscarfen? We're onto you!" (simmer down son)

(I love Phil's hands. They are big yet elegant.)

14:53 "You like twiz the..."- Phil doing circle motions 15:14 "Waiting until its midnight."- Dan says somewhere between cocky and uncertain 15:41 "Yeah. I don't- I mean, sure. Why not? It's like you have lives. Do you have lives?"- Dan 15:46 "Yes!"- Phil "YES!"- Dan 15:49 "But was it for the reason that I said?"- still unsure Dan 16:11 "Oh you want to see a dead body do you Earnest, you want to get real, you want to see crime up in your face? I don't think you can handle it Earnest!"- Dan being extra again 16:38 "Nick Booker" pun 16:48 "Wait I can do this one."- Phil 16:50 "Okay go on Phil, do it."- Dan 16:55 Pause that pose 16:57 "I live for the positive reinforcement of Lady Layton being happy that I'm assembling the clock hand."- Dan 17:03 Phil is distracted momentarily by something off to the side. 

17:05 “Hello copper.”- Dan 17:07 "'Ello 'ello 'ello, Miss Layton.'"-Phil 17:09 "That is exactly what he-"- Dan 17:10 "That's what his face looks like"- Phil 17:11 "With his tiny face!"- squeaky Dan 17:12 "It's so squished."- Phil 17:29 "Yeah get in there."- Phil (what was this about? I forget. Context.)

17:38 Danispanting  17:45 "'Magnificent'."- Dan (inside the clock face) 17:46 "That's just what we were saying."- Phil says so sweet. I think they were admiring the art design but it got cut. 17:52 "I know what gets you going Earnest."- Dan (enormous cogs) 17:58 "Like a corpse."- Dan 18:00 "I wanna do it!"- AssertivePhil (not a corpse mind you) 18:02 "Okay Phil, find the cranny. How good is Phil at finding that spot? He found it. There we go."- danisnotappropriate 18:08 "REDDISH WRISTWATCH!"- x12 nice reference 18:26 "UH CLOCK"- both groaning 18:36 "Get that self esteem, yes!"- high pitched Dan

19:17 "Do you know what you're doing or-?"- Phil with the biggest smile 19:19 "Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!"- Dan 19:20 Jumpcut to zoom in on the terrified children and away from a flirty Phil. 19:28 "Woyah!"- Dan 19:32 "Oh no. Oh we f***ed it. Impasse."- Dan 19:42 "You reckon?"- Dan (then “I reckon”) 20:05 "King of Bubbles."- Dan 20:06 "I would not have been able to do that."- Phil 20:07 "Really? You play a lot of uh, of um, shape popping apps."- Dan 20:11 "True. Maybe. Maybe."- Phil's eyes 

20:17 “Who do you think stole the hand?”- Phil 20:21 "I think it was the dog."- Phil 20:36 "I feel like that's a good taste of the mystery solving experience."- Dan 20:38 "Yeah. You've given it a little lick, but you don't know the full answers. Cause you could go find out yourself-"- Phil 20:43 "You just ruined the nice... description..."- Dan 20:46 "Like you've got the flavor."- Phil 20:47 "Why do you- no, no!"- Dan 20:48 "Like a lollipop."- Phil 20:49 "Stop with the licking!"- Dan 20:50 "Sorry."- back to innocent angel faced Phil

21:00 Price and Promo 21:16 "I'm just here for the anime to be honest, like a show I just started watching."- Dan 21:20 Phil tongue 21:21 "A lick of the Layton Lolly."- holy hell Dan, looking at Phil while saying that was indecent 21:31 "Clicking our buttons."- Phil 21:34 "For more vids, last vid."- Dan 21:38 "I'm gonna go kidnap a talking dog."- Dan 21:39 Sherlock theme outro and eye hand thing by Phil.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 10/06/1996

“It’s time to get rockin’!” proclaims Tony Schiavone as the fireworks go off, and we’re welcomed to WCW Monday Nitro live on TNT. 

Larry appears in surprisingly normal attire this week. And he looks rather pleased with himself, too.

We’re a week away from the Great American Bash, and we’re told that the main event of this episode of Nitro will be Arn Anderson & Ric Flair against Joe Gomez & the Renegade. Gee, I wonder who’s going to win that one? You may remember the Renegade as WCW’s attempt at an Ultimate Warrior rip off. 

We’re also getting the Giant Vs Scott Norton in hour number two. That should be hard hitting. 

Tony mentions Scott Hall’s interruption of Bischoff from the previous week, and recaps Sting’s rebuttal. No explanation as to why Hall isn’t barred from the building, as there is no indication he works for WCW... but hey. This plot hole does get filled eventually. Kind of. 

Our first match gets underway, and out first is Booker T...

He walks out looking vaguely confused. As the camera pans to the fans, Schaivone says “look at the fans, they are living”.

Yes, they do appear to be alive.

“Here’s a story of two brothers, Ricky and Scott...”

Booker’s opponent is Scott Steiner and his ridiculous arms.

Booker T Vs Scott Steiner

Tony advises that viewers call their family and friends to remind them that the Great American Bash is six days away, and now would be a good time to tune into Nitro. You have to assume if these family and friends were really into WCW they’d be aware of the upcoming PPV and the fact that Nitro is on... but anyway.

Both wrestlers play to the crowd. Generally boos for Booker, and cheers for Steiner. From recollection Harlem Heat were essentially being booked as heels at this point. The WCW crowd isn’t just being racist. Well, not all of them at least.

The two wrestlers lock arms back-to-back.

Booker realises he’s made a mistake here.

Steiner attempts a variety of suplexes, which Booker slips out of and reverses. Booker then misses a kick and ends up taking an underarm suplex. Booker then eats an atomic drop and is clotheslined out to the floor. Steiner dishes out a quick beating on the outside and then throws Booker back into the ring. The commentators, invested in the match as always, are talking about the Horsemen Vs Greene & McMichaels at the PPV. Larry says the Macho Man thinks he’s Napoleon Bonaparte. I can’t imagine Macho Man even knows who that is.

Booker finally lands some offence by catching Scotty with a kick in the corner, then hits him with a scissor kick and gets a two count. 

They do this for a while. It doesn’t look particularly painful. Steiner fights out of it, but then gets hit with a scoop slam. Booker climbs to the top rope, hits a cross body block and gets another two count. Steiner hits a reverse DDT on Booker and hits him with a back body drop. Larry tells us that aggression is good in wrestling (you don’t say?) and claims that whoever hits offence first usually wins the match. I’d like to test that theory. 

Booker gets hit with a belly-to-belly, but Scott then misses a Frankensteiner and gets smacked with a flying sidekick. 

Bam. Tony calls it a “spinwheel kick”, which is ridiculous as Booker did not spin. 

Booker hits a side slam and goes up for what you would assume to be the harlem hangover, but no. He just kind of flops into the middle of the ring as Scott Steiner rolls out of the way. Larry calls it a “swan dive”. Another belly-to-belly from Steiner, and he gets the three count. That was a very quick ending to an otherwise decent match. 

Scott Steiner beats Booker T via Pinball. 

For some reason these two idiots are practicing for football again. Shouldn’t the Macho Man be there to remind them that they’re wrestling now?

We’re back with Mean Gene, who is interviewing Scott Steiner.

Steiner’s arm is legit bigger than Gene’s head. It might even be bigger than his own head. 

Mean Gene notes that the Steiners will be facing Fire & Ice in a match where somebody must win. I assume that means no DQ. 

Steiner concurs and is about to launch into a verbal beatdown of his opponents, but before he can do so, he’s interrupted by Debra McMichaels, wife of Steve McMichaels.

Gene’s face here cracks me up. That’s such a “why aren’t you in the kitchen?” face. Cold.

Anyhow, Debra says that she needs Mean Gene’s attention and basically tells Steiner to go away. And he does. Unusually amicable. 

Debra tells Mean Gene she can’t sleep, and is worried about the upcoming match. She’s worried that her husband “Steven” will get really angry and hurt somebody permanently. She feels bad because she thinks it’s her fault.

Gene suggests it isn’t her fault, and Flair has form for winding people up regarding their wives/girlfriends. Debra asks Gene if he can arrange a meeting between the teams to settle their differences before the PPV. A stupid request for numerous reasons - why does she think Mean Gene has the power to do this, or the motivation? He’s just an interviewer. Gene is cracking me up again though. 

What’s with this facial expression - is he shushing her? 

Mean Gene says he’ll try to get Heenan to get the teams together. Yeah, I’m sure that will work out well. 

Jim “Jobber” Powers comes running out with a determined look on his face, so I guess we’re onto the next match.

Then we see this shot.

This type of thing is fine as long as the kids are in the right order. If the kid at the end isn’t there the other two are just advertising a bathroom though.

Powers’ opponent is heel DDP.

Schiavone calls DDP the “Lord of the Ring”, which fortunately never became an official nickname.

Jim Powers Vs DDP

Powers looks a bit like tarzan. Powers starts off well, but DDP soon takes control. Powers makes a strong comeback, but then...

Bang. Diamond Cutter, game over. It’s weird hearing so little pop for this move.

DDP beats Jim Powers by Pinball.

After the match, DDP calls himself the Lord of the Ring. Almost as bad as the Ringmaster.

We’re given a promo on the issues between Chris Benoit and Kevin Sullivan. 

Sullivan tries to look demonic (I think?) but ends up making a derp face.

When this promo finally ends, we’re backstage with Mean Gene and US Champ Konnan.

They both look thrilled to be there. 

Konnan is facing some guy called “El Gato” on Sunday, who Konnan says is a “legend of legendary proportions” in South America. I’m pretty sure this is a lie, as he’s talking about Pat Tanaka, who is most famously known for using Goldberg’s music before Goldberg used it.

Konnan finishes the promo speaking in Spanish whilst Mean Gene gives another look which has me laughing.

“What chu talkin’ bout, Konnan?”

We’re going back to the ring, where Meng is making his entrance.

Larry says that every challenger for the US belt should have a Green Card. It’s actually a fair point, as they’d presumably have to get one if they won the belt and had to defend it regularly. 

His opponent is a man called Sting...

The announcers are still talking about that back-hand bitch slap that Regal gave Sting. Apparently this was hugely humiliating for Sting. They say Regal will be on the program in a return match against Billy Kidman. I was hoping they were going to say Junior Adolf.

Larry mentions that Steve McMichaels may have sent Debra out to purposefully try and get the match on Sunday cancelled. Yes, they’re back on this again. Schiavone says this is nonsense, but honestly, it sort of makes sense. Mongo clearly realised last week he was teaming up with an utter imbecile. 

Meng Vs Sting

Meng backs Sting into the corner and then literally just starts smacking him in the face over and over, until they’re in the middle of the ring.

Meng does not give one fuck. Larry calls Meng a “human vegomatic”. I do not know and do not want to know what he means by that. He also says that Meng is not the kind of guy you want to “send a telegram to”. He doesn’t expand on why.

Sting hits a back body drop but then misses a drop kick off the ropes. Meng hits an elbow drop and then chokes Sting, before getting up and stomping him into the mat. This is a pretty brutal beatdown. Sting does eventually manage to take control and knocks Meng down with a series of clotheslines.

After some more back and forth, Meng decides to go to the top rope. This doesn’t work and he ends up getting crotched and falling to the mat. Sting locks in the Scorpion Deathlock.

And this one is over.

Sting defeats Meng via Submission.

For some reason Schiavone sounds stunned that Sting managed to beat a mid-card tag team wrestler. “And Sting wins AGAIN!” ... I’m not sure why he sounds so surprised. Sting wins most of his matches. The guy’s a former world champ and current Tag Team champ. Why the shock that he won a match?

Regal is coming up. Always entertaining.

Mean Gene is out the back with Debra and Heenan.

A sombre scene.

Heenan insinuates that Debra has been talking to Flair all week and all night, which she denies. He says “you want to talk to Flair? Follow me, toots”, and they walk through a door. Flair is inside with Woman and Liz. Heenan for some reason slams the door shut, and then we hear screaming. 

Debra comes running out looking dishevelled, and suddenly there are a couple of jobbers in the hallway. 

Flair and Anderson lay a beat down on them. This is apparently Joe Gomez and Renegade. An unfortunate coincidence that they just happened to be around, I guess. 

Back to the action, and out comes “Squire” Dave Taylor along with Jeeves.

I’m not convinced Dave is a legitimate squire. 

This kid is not impressed, nor is the dude beside him wearing the wifebeater and the big glasses. 

Dave Taylor’s opponent is “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.

Tony says that he’s getting word that there are people willing to wrestle in place of Renegade and Gomez, who apparently are too badly injured to compete. What a shame.

Dave Taylor Vs Jim Duggan

Duggan yells “hoooo” as he beats up Taylor. He starts a “USA” chant. Standard stuff for Hacksaw. 

The announcers are very quickly informed that the Horsemen will now be facing Luger and Sting for the tag team titles. A slight improvement to the main event, to say the least. Sting’s pulling double duty tonight.

Meanwhile, Hacksaw and his gut start clapping and dancing around the ring.

The crowd are thrilled.

Taylor takes control of the match and chokes Duggan on the ropes. Duggan comes back and hits a clothesline, but Taylor gets a foot on the ropes. Inexpicably, Taylor does this whilst Hacksaw pulls the customary tape from his tights and wraps it around his hand.

Hacksaw smacks Taylor across the skull with his Tape of Doom, and gets the pin for a mercifully quick win.

Jim Duggan defeats Dave Taylor via Pinfall.

We get a brief Mysterio/Malenko promo, then cut to a recap of John Tenta’s infamous “I’m not a fish” promo. Gene narrates by saying “that was the announcement, he was not a... not a fish”. 

We cut backstage where Gene is with Big Bubba and Jimmy Hart.

Bubba is playing with scissors. Don’t try this at home kids. Or try to copy Bubba’s look. 

Hart tells Tenta that if you don’t pull your own weight in the Dungeon of Doom, you suffer the consequences. In Tenta’s defence, that’s a lot of weight to pull. 

Bubba says “Big John Tenta, you say you’re not a man, you say you’re not a fish any more, that you’re a man” ... not a great start. Bubba says that cutting Tenta’s hair proved he’s half a man, and that “the whole world” has been laughing at Tenta behind his back for years. This is not a nice thing to say to a guy who is clearly already pretty paranoid. Bubba says he’s going to leave Tenta laying like “the big whale” he is and sweep him out with the trash. Seems like a missed opportunity to make a beached whale reference, but whatever. Gene quips “nice beard” as Bubba walks away. Snide, especially coming from a guy with dat tasche.

Back in the arena, Gene is up again. He’s all over the show tonight. He introduces Scott Norton, “the flash”. Considering Norton’s lack of speed I have to assume his nickname does not refer to the superhero. 

Footage of Norton being chokeslammed last week airs. Gene says he needs to remind Norton of this, as if he’s already forgotten.

Norton says he took the chokeslam twice and he’s back because he doesn’t care and he isn’t scared. A good attitude to have. 

Colour co-ordinated. Sort of. We’re forty seconds away from the second hour, so Norton has to stand around and wait until the countdown ends and the fireworks go off. It would be kind of silly if they started going off during the Giant’s entrance, I suppose.

We switch to Bischoff and Heenan on commentary as the second hour begins. 

Out come Jimmy Hart and the Giant, who despite being world champion is pretty far down in the pecking order as far as overall importance goes. Bischoff calls Heenan “coach” and Heenan says “you can call me whatever you want, but always call me a winner”. Not whatever you want, then.

The Giant Vs Scott Norton

This match does not last very long. Norton gets pounded in the corner, then hit with a powerslam. Giant chokes him in the corner with his boot. Norton makes a very brief comeback before running himself into a pole on the outside and getting chokeslammed.

Match over.

The Giant beats Scott Norton via Pinfall.

After the match, Lex Luger comes out and gets into it with the Giant. In case you’ve forgotten, he has a title match against the Giant at the PPV. The announcers certainly seem to have forgotten.

Luger is tossed outside. Up until this point I hadn’t noticed the VIP area, but yes, it had been set up. Giant decides to destroy it.

Good. 

He tries to Chokeslam Luger through the table, but Luger gives him a low blow, cracks him over the head with the champagne holder and gets the fuck out of there. Giant is pissed.

“LUGERR!!!”

Giant storms to the back. Apparently he didn’t see Luger head up to the announcer’s booth.

Luger says the gloves are off and the rulebook is out the window. He’s got a lot more surprises for the Giant and will see him at the PPV.

Billy Kidman is out next and he’s just super excited to be there.

His opponent is Lord Steven Regal, who in contrast looks like he just shit himself.

Steven Regal Vs Billy Kidman

Regal gets into the ring and beats the piss out of Kidman. He recieves a dropkick to the back of the head and Kidman goes up to the top, but misses a splash. Kidman quickly submits to whatever this is.

And the match is over. Squash.

Steven Regals beats Billy Kidman via Pinfall.

Sting suddenly appears, knocks Regal down, points at him and leaves.

Humiliation avenged, I guess? Heenan says Sting must have had “a roll of ten dollar notes in his hand”. Definitely not the case and not sure how that would have helped.

The Nasty Boys make their way out...

Public Enemy come running out and immediately begin a brawl. 

The Nasty Boys Vs Public Enemy

This match lasts for far longer than it should. 

Match ends when Knobbs hits Rocco Rock with a trashcan and the match ends in disqualification. Moving on.

Public Enemy beat the Nasty Boys via Disqualification.

There is a promo video for Hulk Hogan. We then get a promo of Greeen/Mongo Vs the Horsemen, as if the announcers haven’t been going on about it literally the entire program. There’s some bizarre hillbilly music playing in the background. It makes the whole thing seem like a joke, which is strange as this is supposed to be a serious match. It’s like they found some background music for the Dukes of Hazzard and said “fuck it, that’ll do.” 

Sting’s music hits, and out come the first team for the main event...

Their opponents are, of course, Flair and Anderson, accompanied by Woman and Liz.

As usual, Arn is way back in the background. Flair yells at the camera “you know what they say Macho Man? They say lonely women make great lovers”. Probably true, but I’m not sure that’s a common saying.  

Arn is checking out dat ass.

Bischoff recaps the situation for anybody who’s “just joined us”. Considering the show is basically over it’s a bit late to tune in. WCW seems to think a lot of its fans are extremely forgetful.

Luger & Sting Vs Anderson & Flair

Flair walks over and shoves Sting, who returns the shove and causes Flair to go tumbling over.

Arn is not impressed. 

Luger and Flair start the match. Flair gives Luger some chest chops in the corner, but Luger no sells this and gives Flair a gorilla press slam followed by a couple of clotheslines. Anderson comes in and gets decked as well. The Horsemen roll outside and regroup. One of the fans does this weird hand sign and yells “booooo” at Flair...

Who totally ignores him. This is the correct course of action.

Flair gets back in the ring and the camera zooms in on Liz.

Lovely... hair.

Back in the ring Flair gets knocked down again and is hit with another gorilla press slam as Woman screams “RIIIIIC!” 

Flair does his trademark flip over the turnbuckle and runs into Sting, who decks him on the apron. 

KO.

Luger suplexes Flair back into the ring and then attempts and elbow drop, but Flair manages to roll out of the way. I don’t think Flair has hit any actual offence yet. He tags in Arn Anderson, who briefly attacks Luger before also getting knocked down. Luger tags in Sting, and Arn wants no part of that.

Bischoff asks for people to send pictures of their Nitro Parties to WCW. This is the start of something dreadful.

Anderson comes off worse against Sting and gets face planted. Flair runs in and eats his third gorilla press slam, this time from Sting. 

Flair runs out to grab a chair from the VIP section...

Then proceeds to drop it. OK.

Flair and Anderson are regrouping outside again. The match has been a total fail for them thus far. 

We go to a commercial, and when we come back Sting and Luger are still in control of the match, beating on Anderson. Flair is tagged back in.

Flair knees Sting in the gut and tries those chops to the chest in the corner, which once again do not work. He might want to reassess using this as an attack. Sting attempts to hit a Stinger Splash, but misses.

Bad times. Flair goes up to the top turnbuckle. This quite literally never ends well for him, and once again...

Fail. For a veteran, Flair sure makes a lot of the same mistakes over and over again. 

Sting hits a clothesline from the top rope and gets a two, but Arn breaks it up. Momentum stays with Sting and Luger, as Sting hits a superplex on Flair. Arn once again breaks up the pin, and Flair uses the distraction to rake Sting’s eyes. Arn is tagged in and chokes Sting on the ropes. Arn hits his patented spinebuster and gets a two. Luger comes in to break up the count, but is so slow that Sting had already kicked out by the time he got there. Focus, Lex.

Arn attempts to jump on Sting, but gets a couple of knees to the groin...

His face says it all. 

Flair is tagged back in. He chops Sting to the mat and gets a two count. Sting reverses a back suplex and nearly gets a pin. Flair goes for the Figure Four but gets rolled up. The referee is for some reason more interested in Luger, who’s just standing on the apron. By the time he gets to the count, Flair kicks out at two.

We go to another commercial break. 

When we come back, Sting is being whipped into the guard rail on the outside by Flair. They get back into the ring and go into various unsuccessful pinning combinations, before Anderson is tagged back in. Anderson tries to hit a vader bomb on Sting, but gets knees to the gut. 

Flair is tagged back in, just as Sting manages to tag in Luger. Lex beats on Flair and gives him a fourth gorilla press slam. Flair and Anderson try to double team Luger, but end up getting knocked over the ropes.

Weeee! By the way, in WCW it was supposed to be a rule that going over the top rope meant a disqualification. This was generally ignored.

After what seems to have been an unnecessarily long search, the Giant has finally found Luger.

Luger eats a forearm, but then Scott Steiner comes out to get involved.

Because, why not?

Luger, Sting and Steiner beat on the Giant. Jimmy Hart gets between them and begs the Giant to leave. Giant sees sense and walks away. Bischoff says the crowd are chanting “Luger, Luger”. They are definitely not.

Mean Gene is out sticking his beak in everybody’s business again. Giant yells that Luger is a dead man. He promises that Luger will leave the PPV on a stretcher. Ominous.

Luger & Sting Vs Flair & Anderson ends in a No Contest.

We cut back to the announce booth, where Bischoff tries to recap what’s just happened. Rather than go along with this, Heenan launches into a rant about how Macho Man won’t lay a hand on him. He stops short and scampers, because...

Scott “not Razor Ramone” Hall has shown up. 

Bischoff grabs a microphone and says he doesn’t want any trouble, but then goads Hall about the “big surprise”, asking where it is.

There it is.

For some reason, Bischoff completely ignores Hall’s pointing and only reacts once Kevin Nash grabs his shoulder and spins him around. Nash grabs the microphone.

“You’ve been sitting out here for six months, running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, “play”, we ain’t here to play. Now he [Hall] said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I’m here. You still don’t have your three people, and you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show is about as interesting as Marge Schott reading excerpts from Mein Kampf.”

Another Hitler reference. Did Regal help write this promo? Bischoff says he wants no trouble, and Nash replies “yeah, no trouble, because I’ll kick your teeth down your throat. Where’s your three guys? What, you couldn’t get a paleontologist to get a couple of these fossils cleared? You ain’t got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Where’s Hogan? Where’s Hogan? Out doing another episode of Blunder in Paradise? (ouch!) Where’s the Macho Man, huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we’re here. You wanna say something?”

Nash shoves the mic in Bischoff’s face. Ken Doll takes the mic and says he doesn’t have the authority to do anything now, and if Nash wants a fight, it isn’t with him. He tells Nash that tomorrow morning at nine o’clock he’ll be in the offices in Atlanta and he’ll try and get them their fight.He tells them they can show up at the Great American Bash and they might get a fight.

Hall and Nash say that they’ll be there. Nash says “bring what you got. The measuring stick just changed around here buddy, you’re looking at it.”

Nash then shoves the microphone into Bischoff’s chest so hard he falls back onto the announce desk. Hall and Nash mug to the crowd as Bischoff makes the sign to cut the program.

An excellent promo from Nash here. At the time a lot of his references went over my head, as I was so young, and I still had to google Marge Schott. This was a sign of things to come, as Nitro began to move away from its standard format and into a more chaotic era.  

[victorluvsalice]

AU Thursday: A Return to BioShock AU Thoughts

So, I recently finished the main game of BioShock Infinite and started the Burial at Sea DLC. I enjoyed it, though I would have liked a longer ending (just more looks at alternate reality stuff). And a better explanation for how the tears work, because a) it’s a bit confusing and b) I really want to know why Booker and Elizabeth (particularly the latter) didn’t catch on that making a deal with one version of Fitzroy, then going into an alternate reality because you can’t complete the deal in your current world, means that you’ve invalidated the deal ANYWAY because who knows if this Fitzroy even met you! *sigh* On the plus side, I learned that crows + lightning can kill just about anything. :p

Anyway -- as I work through the last of my BioShock experience, I figured I’d talk a little about my evolving AU thoughts regarding Victor, Victoria, Emily, and Alice in one of the two BioShock settings. Mainly, in which city I now think you’d be most likely to find them:

Victoria (and her parents): I’ve always felt a bit weird about placing the Everglots in Rapture. Their characterization in Corpse Bride is of bankrupt nobles utterly disgusted by the idea of marrying their daughter off to people who work for a living. Not exactly the best fit for a city built on the ideal of the “Great Chain of Industry!” But their grouchy, classist attitude wouldn’t be out of place in Columbia, where the idea is that the “right” kind of white people live in comfort, while the “wrong” kind of white people and non-whites do all the dirty work. Granted, it’s also supposed to be a celebration of the “right” kind of America (aka, the racist conqueror of the world), but it’s still a better fit for them. Maybe they went to America to escape their decreasing fortunes, then ended up on Columbia because they liked Comstock’s rhetoric? Victoria, being a much nicer person than Finis and Maudeline, is quite horrified by much of the racism and classism and does what she can to help the less fortunate.

Emily (and Barkis): Emily, having little non-Barkis related backstory, could appear in either city. However, if Victoria’s become Columbia-exclusive, I feel like Emily should be Rapture-exclusive for contrast. I still think that a variant on her Corpse Bride look would be good for a Splicer. In fact, maybe we could work that into her altered backstory here -- she and her father came to Rapture for a better life, and Emily was wooed by conman Barkis as she was in-movie. Barkis convinces her to elope with him, only to steal her valuables and attempt to kill her -- however, Emily started splicing recently, and the ADAM in her system manages to keep her alive. It does “glitch” some of her DNA, though, resulting in her turning blue and corpselike. She manages to stay relatively sane for a splicer, save for a bit of an obsession with finding “the one” and getting married for real. As for her type, given CB’s set in winter and she shows off offscreen teleportation once while catching up to Victor, Wintry Houdini splicer. Just, you know, not as much of a bitch as they can be.

Victor (and his parents): The Van Dorts are an obvious fit for Rapture, given the whole “nouveau riche cannery magnate” thing William has going on in the movie. But, funnily enough, I can still see them in Columbia. Nell’s certainly stuck up enough for the place, and William I think would be just as happy running a business there, on the basis of “living the American dream.” (Weird thought -- William somehow replacing Fink, and baffling Comstock by treating his workers better than Fink did. I mean, he’s not PERFECT, but he doesn’t insist on 16 hour days for a start.) Plus I still like the mental image of William just straight-up bribing his way onto Columbia because what’s more American than corruption. XD My idea for Rapture!Victor is still “Nell hears about the Little Sister experiments and volunteers him because how dare her son not be involved;” Columbia!Victor would be a Vox Populi sympathizer and do what he could to help them from the shadows (such as arranging for the occasional crate of his father’s canned fish to get “lost” near possible strongholds).

Alice (and her family): Aaand now we come to a problem, because -- uh --

I can’t see the Liddells going to either Rapture or Columbia.

Not the way I write them, anyway. They’re too nice and charitable for either city. I can’t see Dean Liddell getting swayed by either Ryan or Comstock. So, uh, how do we get Alice into these AUs?

Well, as of BioShock Infinite, we have literal tears between realities opening up and letting things -- including people -- through. Alice could be kidnapped through one -- I’m not sure if the Rapture ones only open on Columbia, or sometimes show other places, but this is already a crossover AU, so I think I’m allowed to fudge it. I’m imagining her being taken in both places in her catatonic state post-fire, because the people doing the kidnapping want an easily-taken subject: Rapture’s Suchong and Tennenbaum take their Alice to test out if Little Sisters really have to be mobile, while Columbia’s Comstock grabs her --

Because in this reality he failed to get his ACTUAL daughter, and he gets a little desperate when he hears Alice might share some distant relation with him.

Yeah, part of me kinda wants to see what happens when you give Alice Elizabeth’s powers. . .

[flauntpage]

Is Robert Covington Good at Defense?

I promised this story last week, so here goes.

The premise is this:

We know that Robert Covington is a streaky shooter, a “3 and D” guy who sometimes drops fireballs from deep, but goes cold more often than not. When he’s on, he’s really on. And when he’s off, he’s really off.

That stuff is easy to identify. It’s easy for us to sit here and say, “well, Cov had 5 points last night after putting up 22 the previous night.” People bitch and whine and say he’s not performing to the level of his new contract, which results in we, the media, usually justifying his minutes with something like this:

“Well, Covington is the team’s best defender. He guards the opponent’s best player and performs well in that phase of the game, which is why Brett Brown trusts him.”

It’s so simple to parse and quantify offensive basketball data to frame a narrative, but it’s a lot harder with defensive basketball. The data doesn’t tell nearly as much of the story. You simply have to dig into the film and use your eyes to make observations and draw conclusions, the ‘ole “eye test” that college basketball pundits love to use in March. It’s a polite way of saying, “you simply didn’t watch enough games.”

We’re gonna do that with Covington. I want to pull some clips to show the things he does well, and not so well, on the defensive end of the floor.

First, let’s take a brief look at some of the numbers that DO matter without going too deep into advanced metrics.

Steals

Covington is 15th in the NBA with 1.59 steals per game. Ben Simmons leads the Sixers with 1.69 SPG.

When you extrapolate the numbers per-48 minute shifts, this is how the Sixers look:

T.J. McConnell – 2.71 SPG

Covington – 2.37 SPG

Simmons – 2.35 SPG

All three are top-30 NBA players in this category, though you see how effective T.J. is projected to be if all three of those guys played the same amount of minutes.

One area where Covington sags a bit is steals per personal fouls, where he falls into a 57th-place tie with a 0.54 number. That basically means he commits two fouls for each steal, which could be a result of a number of things.

That leads into our next category.

Deflections

Cov is more aggressive than most defenders. He gets his hands into passing lanes and will poke at the ball and try to turn you over.

To that end, he’s 2nd in the NBA with 3.9 deflections per game. Only Paul George has a better number at 4.1. Per 48, he would put up 5.8 deflections per game, leading all NBA starters.

Common knowledge says that the more you reach for the ball, the more likely you are to commit fouls, which is why Covington’s steals to personal fouls ratio is low.

Defensive Rating

A metric that determines how many points you allow per 100 possessions.

As a team, the Sixers are 5th best in the NBA at 103.1.

Individually, Joel Embiid has the best Philly mark at 100.2. Covington is right behind him at 101.1, placed just ahead of guys like Andre Iguodala, Justise Winslow, and Draymond Green on the league-wide charts.

Simmons logs a 102.6 DEFRTG while JJ Redick lands at 103.4 and Dario Saric is at 104.5.

To the Video

Alright, so the basic numbers say that Cov has a pretty solid defensive rating, steals and deflects at a high level, but fouls a lot and can sometimes be over-aggressive.

I went back to a few games to see what I could find.

One of the things to keep in mind is that the Sixers do a lot of switching on defense, more than most NBA teams. For that reason, Covington usually starts on the opponent’s best player, but draws a variety of matchups as the Sixers rely on their athleticism and don’t often find themselves in lopsided mismatches. I can’t stress that enough; he really is asked to do a lot of different things on any given night.

A play like this is typical:

There you’ve got Covington on Dwyane Wade, but he switches onto Wayne Ellington to deny the catch and shoot three-pointer.

When Ellington ducks underneath and tries to free Wade, Covington blocks the passing lane and Kelly Olynyk decides to take Dario Saric to the rim instead:

Roco does a good job at switching early, getting his hands up, and using his length to block passing lanes and deny easy distribution. He’s really not the fastest guy out there. He doesn’t possess amazing foot speed and he’s not going to lock down defenders 1v1 necessarily. What he does is switch fluidly and uses his wingspan to complicate things for opponents. There are a lot of off-ball things he does that go unnoticed.

To that point, when you watch him defend pick and rolls, there will be some times where he looks like he’s being screened into oblivion:

It’s a middle pick and roll with Wade and Bam Adebayo. Covington looks a step slow on the play, but he actually does a nice job of hooking that right arm and using leverage to turn with the bigger roller and stay with his man.

Embiid, then, is athletic enough to “zone” the screen and engage Wade at the foul line, forcing him into a contested fadeaway:

That’s a tough shot, and I think you’d be satisfied with forcing an opponent into that look on most occasions. D-Wade is a special player, especially in the 4th quarter.

Sometimes it’s a little messy, though, and Covington will find himself trailing the roller when overplaying the screen:

This sequence starts with Covington switching onto Wade, who sets up a middle pick and roll with Hassan Whiteside. Wade doesn’t get him the first time, but Cov tops the second screen and finds himself turned around. He grabs Whiteside to slow him down and the refs miss the foul, but Amir Johnson does a nice job of sliding over to Wade and forcing the turnover.

Obviously Joel Embiid is a better PnR defender than Johnson, but Covington usually stays in front and likes to defend the three point line. I don’t see a lot of instances where he goes under the screen, and that’s not a bad way to approach these scenarios when you have a rim protector like Embiid right behind you.

One more play from the Miami loss, a possession that begins with Ersan Ilyasova on the wrong man and Covington defending the perimeter 1v2:

Roco is on Tyler Johnson this time, and goes over two James Johnson screens to deny the three pointer. Ilyasova eventually comes into the play and the first Johnson hits a 21-foot jump shot.

That’s fine. You can live with that. It’s the lowest-efficiency shot in basketball. It’s similar to the Wade fadeaway, which isn’t the best look on the planet. This is a broken defensive play and Covington does a nice job to prevent a three-point look and get Miami to settle for a long two instead.

Last Tuesday, Covington started on Nicolas Batum, then guarded Kemba Walker when JJ Redick came off the floor in Charlotte. Walker finished with 5 points on 1-9 shooting in a 14-point home loss to the Sixers.

I thought he did well here to get through a baseline screen to stick with Batum on the low block:

Charlotte tries to free up Dwight Howard with a second screen, but good job by Covington, Embiid, and Redick to choke the space and keep their hands up. Batum tries to take it himself and settles for a tough-angle shot after Covington pins him down near the baseline.

Earlier, this play jumped out to me:

Steve Clifford sets up a a curl for Walker with two screens and Covington does a really nice job of skirting Marvin Williams and Howard to get a hand on the shot. That’s all reach right there, with Cov using those long arms to get up and challenge a shot that I thought he would be nowhere near.

Again, when it looks like he’s beat, he usually finds his way back into the play.

Some clips now from Tuesday night, when Covington spent most of his time on Victor Oladipo, who finished 4-21 from the floor.

Really nice defense here:

He fights through the Myles Turner down screen and sticks to Oladipo on the perimeter. Even when Oladipo creates some separation with a slight right arm shrug, Covington does a nice job to keep his hands up and contest the shot.

Airball.

This was one of the few things Oladipo did all night:

You see Redick “hedge” the screen and get out in front, then Indiana resets and brings Trevor Booker into the pick and roll. But Oladipo takes it himself and gets Covington with a beautiful crossover and step back.

Sometimes you just have to give credit to the offensive player when they make plays like that. Most people on the planet aren’t defending that.

And finally, we’ll wrap it up on a high note, a play that Alaa Abdelnaby half-explained last night, which I’ll expand on:

That’s brilliant stuff.

What you have here is a “pre-switch,” which Covington does twice in once sequence.

Indiana is trying to set a Turner screen on T.J. McConnell to get Darren Collison onto Joel Embiid. Covington sees that and so he takes Turner instead.

Make sense? You wouldn’t switch Collison onto Covington, because there’s no mismatch there. They wanted Embiid.

Instead, Indiana tries it from the other side and brings Thad Young to the arc to try to switch Ilyasova, but Covington sees that, too, and pre-switches there:

  Collison ends up driving on Cov, who blocks his shot.

Just high-IQ stuff right there.

Conclusion

Is Robert Covington good at defense?

I think so, but we waste a lot of time looking at it the wrong way.

Cov is a 6’9″ guy with great reach and active hands. He disrupts passing lanes, steals the ball, and deflects it. He’s versatile enough to switch onto both smaller and bigger guys and plays a somewhat aggressive game that places trust in Joel Embiid and Amir Johnson to cover behind him. His strengths, I think, are seen much more off the ball, and not so much in on-ball situations.

No, Covington doesn’t have the best feet or the quickest lateral movement. Sometimes he gets lost in screens and can’t recover. He’s not a lockdown, 1v1 defender, and I think that’s how people are judging him. I often hear about dribblers “blowing by” Covington as a main criticism, which I think is overdone. If you’re looking for Bruce Bowen or Gary Payton, you’re looking in the wrong place.

Collectively, this starting group has one of the best defensive ratings in the NBA, and when you take the parts and put them together, you’re got an incredibly efficient unit out there. Covington is a big part of that for reasons that might not be so obvious.

Is Robert Covington Good at Defense? published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - More Like PerestroiKO

Broadcast date: Monday 11/Tuesday 12 September 2017

Brought to you by the function 3x+6 and the cuneiform logogram DIĜIR, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(should have done this earlier, fell asleep, so sue me)

and we're starting with a moment of silence

christ, yeah, it's the 9/11 episode

fun and jokes on my blog today

oh, and a sombre text crawl

great

someone breaks the silence with a woo, usa chants begin

i get the feeling i'm gonna be sighing at america a lot tonight

oh hey, and apparently brock's gonna be here tonight

woooo

and cena/strowman, which should be fun

but for now, here comes the opposite of fun

in the form of roman reigns

oh, and apparently he's fighting jason

good way to get jj over as a face, i guess

he enters, the crowd goes tepid

recap of cena/jordan from last week

that was a good match

and video of the less-good smacktalk session following that match

so now roman gets to put his money where his shit is

if roman loses this, i just want cena to turn up and laugh for ten minutes straight

oh hey, pan out to cena watching the match

preliminary scuffling, punctuated by roman perfecting his scorn laugh

and getting punched in his smug face

booker is getting very excited about roman

well, i guess someone has to

roman cocks his fist, goes for it, jj reverse into a crossface because seriously, fuck that face

pan out again to cena looking deeply dissatisfied

truly, a man of the people

that's what we all look like when roman's winning things

okay, i hate roman reigns and all the things he does, but even i have to admit that samoan drop counter was pretty sweet

but now we're back to jj suplexing him to the underworld, so all is good

corey claims jj is "driven by failure"

truly, the next great renewable energy source

booker magnanimously agrees to stop calling jason a rookie, despite the bit where he was nxt and smackdown tag champ

jason exposes his shoulders (his other fuel source), hits the rolling double northern lights for a nearfall

then crossface for a near finish

booker sarcastically calls jj "what [roman] calls a rookie"

you were calling him that THREE FUCKING MINUTES AGO, YOU COLOSSAL WANKSPONGE

roman bullfights jj really hard into the post, superman punch, goes oooooo, spear for the pin

pan out to cena looking begrudgingly impressed

tense faceoff

roman gives jj the handshake

that'll do, pig

pan out again, and now charly is there

asks cena for his thoughts, he's just like i'm gonna go out there and tell him myself

after this total bellas ad

he didn't say that last part, but i know he understands the value of his wife's brand

(wait, are they marrried yet?)

cena drops his towel on the stage, camera focuses on it for a weirdly long time

forgoes his run to the ring to do a thug strut instead

clearly the camera guy needs to work on their cardio

cena appreciates that

thoughtfully gets two mics before getting into the ring

throws roman one with a comment about his fashion sense

asks for his thoughts, suggests some helpful catchphrases so he doesn't have to talk too long

roman claims to have had more good matches in two years than cena has in his career

cena's just like dude, seriously, stop talking, you're burying yourself

calls him a one-man human centipede

keep it pg, john

cena challenges himself every day to try everything

take that as you will

cena gets up in roman's face about how he's shat the bed on every opportunity available

not inaccurate

roman calls him a bitch

devastating comeback

roman claims to be solely responsible for raw's ticket sales

paul heyman's like um

disparages cena's hollywood aspirations, offers to introduce him to a guy

cena's like at no mercy, consider me like a drug test, you ain't getting past me

crowd goes oooooooooooh

even roman smirks

and swagger off

next up, sasha banks does a thing

after this advert for lesnar/strowman

(and if their compound couple name isn't lensman, i'll punch something)

and another one for cute kids with cancer

(and the prevention of such things)

and now that's all done with, here's sasha

in an even nicer jacket than usual

fighting emma, who doesn't get an intro this time

siiiiiigh

i mean, i hate her new music, but still

oh, and alexa's materialised on announce

and inside the ring, emma has 100% stolen alexa's iron man gear

first the music, then the space cop gear

where will it end

oh hey, here comes nia

who gets her full intro despite being in street clothes and there being a fucking match in progress

cut to ads, and when we get back nia's got a seat on announce too

like oh hey guys don't mind me

oh, there's still a match happening

who knew

wow, this is tepid as fuck

like, i love all four of these, but they're still conspiring to make this segment so dull

and bank statement from nowhere for the tap

so yeah, that happened

still optimistic for the four-way, though

and not just because the fallout from that would be the perfect moment to debut asuka

but now, let's have an overdramatic recap package of braun/show coming out of their cage

(and feeling just fine)

(yeah, i stole that joke, but it's perfect, so fuck off)

apparently show got injured

so, yknow, swings and roundabouts

(and we all know i can get away with that because a) it's almost definitely a work, and b) it's the big show)

brock up next

greeeeeeat

after this advert for smackdown, now with 100% more mcmahonity

oh wait, shane got suspended

so i guess the number stays the same

just been shot with a mad science aging ray

anyway, yeah, brock is here

which is why i'm distracting myself with jokes about the mathematics of mcmahons

(mcmahoths?)

paul continues to get mad pops by saying his name and listing adjectives

paul's just like i'm meant to be here to sell you on no mercy, but it's already generated all the hype in the world

possibly untrue

confirmed: braun's announce table origami combo sounds a lot dumber when a middle-aged accountant type describes it without the aid of video replays

paul says braun will need to rip the championship from brock's hands if he wants it

paul throws in some ufc references, because apparently people still pop for that

paul calls braun out with some enormous histrionics

and here he comes

brock tries to go straight into suplexes, gets punched in his grinning idiot face

then lands one, braun just stands up like nope

and chokeslams him

this is the shit i do like

and then running powerslam

fuck you, mr lesnar

picks up the belt so he can contemplate it for a bit, then stands on brock so he can brandish it aloft

then sarcastically puts it down on brock's chest and pats it like you just take care of my belt for a couple weeks

and swaggers off while brock lies in the ring hugging his belt

apparently tonight, we have miztv with enzo

what did we do to deserve this

but up next, bray does a thing

after cole tells us about the hurricanes

the crowd stay as classy and respectful as they ever do in a serious moment

by which i do of course mean they woo like a bunch of owls on meth

and now here comes goldust

you're not bray

although it is nice to see him actually get a match rather than just sending in his videos

ah, here's bray

doing a sermon over the tron first

continuing his crusade against people who wear face paint

bray wyatt vs icp confirmed for mania 34

booker boldly theorises that bray may be more concerned with collecting his enemies' souls rather than championships

no shit, dude

did you miss the bit where he delivered a screaming promo while anointing himself with the ashen earth from the burnt grave of the devil's sister or something

bray wins in about two minutes, doesn't even need to do the spider walk

did give goldust a chance to show off that he can still do this shit, though

bray produces a handkerchief, proceeds to scrub the paint off goldust's face to the boos of the crowd

proclaims that HE'S JUST A MAAAAAN

no shit

that paint slides right off if he fights for more than a couple minutes

finn takes offence, rushes the ring and chases bray away

bray walks slowly backwards up the ramp while giving finn uncomfortable eye contact, end thing

but now, charly interviews sheamus and cesaro

and the camera guy works very hard trying to keep the three of them in frame together

it's not really possible

apparently they're gonna leave seth and dean with punctured lungs at no mercy

seems excessive

but yeah, they're fighting the good brothers next

after this advert for the myc final

(it was great, thanks for asking)

seth and dean are on announce

dean's brought binoculars and a notepad so he can scout the competition

cole's like um dude, you know we have monitors

dean teaches seth how to use binoculars

and now they're scoring gallows and anderson on their fashion sense

and then derail the kkb's entrance by shittalking them

and then getting in a fight

and anderson and gallows can't bear to leave a good fight unjoined, so run up the ramp to brawl

gallows punches sheamus so hard his kilt falls off

security pulls them all apart, announce team are like welp guess that's a no on the match

but now, have this tapout body spray advert, featuring john cena as a presumably attractive-smelling superhero

and now you get a recap video of the team brawls we just had

cut to kurt's office, seth and dean demand a match against FUCKING EVERYONE tonight

kurt says they can have it, as long as they find two partners to even the numbers

crowd knows where this is going, immedately begins the delete chants

dean promises to find some, even if they have to go to disneyworld and bring back mickey mouse and batman

kurt clarifies that their partners do in fact have to be real people

dean shrugs like w/e man i can't tell the difference i just did a whole bunch of speed and some moss i found growing under the storm drain outside my apartment well i say apartment it's a sheet of corrugated iron against a wall under a bridge well i say wall it's a bear i knifed in a fight over half a can of special brew well at least that's what mad harry who makes it calls it anyway i don't care let's fucking GOOOOOO

(possible paraphrase)

they leave kurt to be like hmm, i guess batman would be a great partner

oh hey, here's a promo clip for asuka

confirmed for raw

but then, we all knew that was coming

pan out to nia watching it like pah

alexa appears at her elbow to be like gawd all these randos turning up in our division and our matches the fuck is wrong with people

does a spot-on emma impression

calls nia her best friend, she's immediately like ummmmmm no

alexa claims all their  troubles are just because she has trouble expressing her emotions

nia's like cool let's be friends oh btw i asked kurt for a match with you next week

walks off, slow zoom on alexa's face like WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT

up next, elias has a new song, after this ad for champions

i love how they're always like OMG DEBUTING A NEW SONG

like

has he ever reused material

well, here he is, still shedding names like a snake with some kind of dermatological disorder

crowd are weirdly supportive, then surprised when he badmouths their city

(which turns out to be anaheim)

like

have they ever watched his segments before

oh, and here's kalisto

one day, elias will finish a song

i have faith

cole refers to kalisto as a lucha libre

the man is his own style

i have but moments to appreciate the rusk-style elias world tour shirt he's got before he shreds it like the new regeneration of hulk hogan

wait a second, why isn't kalisto competing in the cruiserweight decision yet?

that'd be great

anyway, he gets stomped on and neckbroken for the pin

speaking of underappreciated former nxt tag champs

but up next, jaun strowna

after another ad for smackown

and here's john again

he's found his towel again

leaves it on the announce table, because it's one of the things they're auctioning

so fair enough

cena grimaces up the ramp a bit, rips his shirt off while waiting for braun to turn up

roars into the arena, fashionably late as ever

stands in the ring pawing at the ground for a bit

wait, are we meant to be getting bullfight vibes from this?

is cena going to start sticking spears into braun's shoulders to slow him down

pan out to roman watching the match, holding a towel for some reason

braun's getting like 90% of the offense in this, and it's great

frankly, any time braun strowman dropkicks soemone, i am entirely on board with it

the crowd agree

i think they're trying to get braun heel heat here, not sure anyone gives a shit

i mean, i know it's mostly to get cena further over as a face, but still

braun's built a massive stock of goodwill off trying to murder roman reigns

they keep making a thing in this of john going for the aa but not being able to get strowman in the air

like

i get where they're going, but we've seen him aa big show and pick brock lesnar up with one arm

these power levels are more wildly inconsistent than dbz

cena sets up a five knuckle shuffle, braun just stands up and turns it into a spinebuster

cena gets an aa off it anyway for some reason, braun makes it out of the ring

and then hits him with the ring steps for a dq

wait, they're not treating this like it's over

are they somehow arguing that braun was just holding them when cena ran into them

i understand nothing

and then braun powerslams him onto the steps, which would be completely normal usually but causes a dq here

or

wait

they're playing his music

are they playing that as the medics called it off?

i have no fucking clue

charly turns up to interview roman, he says something banal that i managed to just tune out entirely

give it a few more weeks, and eventually every time he opens his mouth all i'll hear will be womp womp womp like charlie brown's teacher

but up next, miztv with enzo

sighhhhhhh

after this ad for total bellas

(also sigh)

and one for the myc final

(non-sigh)

but now, dean tries to recruit random runners into their tag team

seth's like yeahhhhhh maybe not

and then they run into dean malenko and a friend?

and decide against it

and then the hardyz

there we go

matt's being even more obviously broken than usual

and here are team miz

maryse in a bright red power suit that, as ever, i would wear the fuck out of

bo still hasn't given ariya his jacket back yet

ooh, apparently miz and maryse have an announcement

maryse is pregnant

and they're both just looking genuinely happy and it's so different to normal miz segments

so of course, miz immediately takes the opportunity to talk shit about kurt angle's parenting

starts reading a prepared speech about fatherhood, enzo cuts in with his intro

what a bellend

dressed even more than the create-a-wanker 'randomise' function than usual

claims he's just coming to celebrate with friends, makes eyes at maryse

miz just immediately tears him a new one about his lack of solo prospects

i love angry miz

just like listen dude, i understand being hated, so let me tell you: everyone fucking ~haaaaaaaaates~ you

wow, yeah, this is just miz absolutely unleashing

see, enzo, this is how you talk smack that people understand

enzo responds by shouting at him about realness

yeah, enzo, copying someone's finisher is totally a heinous act that you would never do

promises to come back to raw with the cruiserweight belt and beat miz too

miz pledges to show enzo what a real champion looks like, dedicates his victory to their unborn child

yknow, as you do

cut to ads, during which kurt agreed to the match on the grounds that once a wrestling match has been proposed, it 100% has to happen

miz's opponent immediately runs out of the ring to rant on mic for once

must be unfamiliar territory for him

miz returns the favour while mashing enzo's face into the apron

and then foolishly decides to pause to talk on mic while on the top rope

gets inevitably crotched

enzo takes the opportunity to question the baby's parentage, miztourage join in on kicking yet more shit out of him

dq sounded, miz doesn't even slightly care

but up next, the 8-man tag we all expected

ads for our other shows later, cut backstage and enzo's coughing blood and reconsidering his life choices

runs into neville, who gives an award-winning cackle and walks off

seth and dean do solo intros this time

they really need to get some kind of joint intro

what would that sound like

who could say

although i am a bit attached to BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

match begins, i am distracted from matt hardy's shambling weirdness by his sweet-ass trousers

matt gets sheamus and cesaro on the outside, jeff does poetry in motion over the ropes because OH MY GOD AN OPPORTUNITY TO JUMP OFF A THING

i sometimes feel like matt needs to stop enabling his brother

if you thought this match would be huge and messy, you win nothing because of fucking course it is

enjoyable though

cesaro nearly stacks it off the top rope setting up for a flying uppercut/back senton combo, matt kind of flips sideways through the ropes to get the break, gets their at about a count of five to find out the ref had stopped the count at two anyway

dean manages to escape a magic killer attempt to punch gallows in the throat

seth finally hot tags in, burns everyone down

including completely no-selling anderson's attempts to interfere from outside

matt hits gallows with a twist of fate, then the hardyz intimidate the kkb away from the ring while seth and dean hit kingslayer to dirty deeds for the pin on anderson

sheamus and cesaro stand at the top of the ramp doing their thumb thing, the faces stand in the ring celebrating their actual use of tactics for once, and so we fade

i say 'we'

but as we all know, this is the blog that never sleeps

(offer not valid when i miss updates because i overslept)

so i think it's high time we rolled on some MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

oh god, it's going to include vince and his floppy swagger

fuuuuuuuuuck

daniel, queue something else instead

okay, according to daniel, our machines are timelocked and you can only change the video queue between 11:03 and 11:36

yknow, every week it becomes more and more clear to me why we get these offices for free

well, if it's gonna play anyway, let's get our down smacked and we open on the ongoing shane/kevin controversy

this remains one of the more close-to-the-bone promos in recent times

wow, this is a long recap

previously on smackdown (and assuming neither you nor anyone you know has watched it)

so yes, we're in vegas, and we're making this into an event episode because we don't have a ppv for a little while

and also because vince has sufficiently recovered from the last time he was exposed to Earth air

anyway, here's kevin

and i had forgotten how good this announce team was

kevin welcomes us to his show, reiterates his deep and abiding trauma and restraint when he didn't fight back

so now when he's sued everybody in wwe to death we're gonna get "Kevin Owens Presents: The Kevin Owens Show, starring Kevin Owens"

pledges to fire sami and make tom and byron share a suit

and cancel the fashion files

right, officially irredeemable now

calls vince out so he can talk business

foolishly calls out "Mr McMahon", so here's...dolph?

doing shane's entrance

sure, why not

kevin's like oh thank fuck a talented man who works here, i thought it was shane

lets him have the gimmick, since nobody's using it

and off he goes

kevin starts announcing more grand plans

and here's the other man who might have something to say about that

bryan just strolls into the ring like oh hey you don't actually run this show, i still exist

kevin promises bryan he'll still have a fulfilling job as a janitor on the kevin owens show

bryan hits back with a crack about kevin's weight

sighhhhh

sort it out, dude

ominously promises the imminent arrival of the vince

kevin's basically like yeah whatever -drops mic, walks off-

so yes, later tonight we have new day/usos street fight for the title, naomi/nattie for that title, and tye/aj for -that- title

and that last one is apparently up next

after this ad for cena/roman

which i just read back as 'catwoman', despite having written it myself

and now a moment as tom and corey tell us about natural disaster season

but back to the wrestles, here's aj

and a vt of the ongoing dillinger/us championship thing

here's tye, and this time they've actually synced his tron properly

bell rings, commence to UNNECESSARILY FAST WRESTLING

but then, anything to distract us all from tye's hairstyle

baron runs in, aj redirects a phenomenal forearm to hit him in the face

tye doesn't quite get the distraction pin, then fights out of a styles clash attempt to hit a really nice tye breaker

aj kicks out at 2.99994, then reverses another thing into a calf crusher for the tap

good match

like, felt short, but that's just the problem with this show only being two hours

tye hobbles to his feet, aj gives him the handshake, respect and love all around

and here comes baron to ruin everything

throws aj over the barricade, clotheselines tye, then end of days to aj on the floor

before announcing that next week, aj's opponent in the us title open challenge will be him

someone still needs to learn the meaning of 'open'

and now some woman i don't recognise interviews rusev, both of them speaking with the conviction of a hostage delivering their captor's demands

apparently bulgaria has turned its back on rusev after his failure

so now he has to kill randy to get his mojo back

or poorly-thought-out words to that effect

but up next, jinder does a thing

after a total bellas ad and a supremely tacky exterior shot of vegas, that is

here are the singhs, holding a note longer every week

and here comes the man himself, jinder mahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal

in a dark green suit/brown shirt combo that i actually kind of dig

match graphic for hiac revealed

hell in a cell 2017: this year it's METAL AS FUCK

surprisingly notable maharaja chant going there

big punjabi-canadian community in vegas, clearly

jinder promises to get inside shinsuke's head

a process that seems to consist of putting pictures of him up and laughing at them

aaaaaaand there goes the poop joke

wow

way to aim high

the singhs find this possibly dangerously funny

oh wow, calling him a michael jackson ripoff

nobody's noticed that

oh, and there's a racist stereotype

people laugh, jinder's like see, fucking americans

promises shinsuke that if he wins the belt, he too will get shat on by racists

(while being racist)

transitions into ranting in punjabi mid-sentence

cut backstage, where kevin is dictating a list of his demands as showrunner

including a limo for his buddy jimmy

oh hey, here's sami

this won't be awkward

kevin doesn't even try not to gloat

sami's like cool, whatever, literally anything will be preferable to working for you

up next, new day v usos in a sin city street fighter 3rd strike

(it's possible i should have stopped typing earlier than i did)

but first, cute kids with cancer again

and i hold myself back from being as excoriating as usual

(if you're wondering whether bottling up my pite and bitchiness like this causes me physical pain, be assured that it does)

in any case, here are the new day

only kofi and e have made it to the ring

reasonably sure xavier was there at the top of the ramp

oh, ok

they've sent him back so the usos can't say they had an advantage

seems fair

roll vt of the match we would like you to forget being the best part of summerslam

new day immediately knock the usos out of the ring and get a table

they know how to do their job, who knew

cut to ads, and suddenly e is in the corner with a chair wedged into the ropes above him for whatever reason

recaps suggest the usos put it there, so we know who it'll backfire on

oh look, e kicked one of them into it

that was quick

and then jimmy kicks it into e's face

nice spot

kofi reappears, gets his face smacked into the apron

and jimmy gets jey a kendo stick

both commence to beating on big e with it

kofi comes back, takes everyone out, gets the kendo stick

beats jimmy with it until it explodes

splinters for everyone

okay, this is moving too fast for me to narrate

basically watch the summerslam kickoff match again, but add chairs

kofi just hit jimmy in the face with a chair about six dfferent ways, then threw it at him

and then got thrown into the barricade anyway in the ugliest bump of the night

this enrages big e, who proceeds to murder jey

jey's shirt is getting destroyed, providing a handy visual identifier e splashes both of them, dances instead of going for the pin

jimmy superkicks him, he doesn't give a shit, big ending for the nearfall and then e takes a double superkick anyway

set up for a double splash, kofi kicks jey off the turnbuckle and through chekhov's table

and midnight hour for the pin

much tromboning and joviality

shot of daniel arguing with a runner backstage

graphic for naomi/nattie, during which corey completely forgets how to english

shots of the press carpet for the myc, mostly just reminding me how good steph's outfit was

oh, and ronda rousey's here tonight

oh right, we're in the women's match now

no better way to show the legitimacy and importance of your women's division than by depriving their title match of intros

naomi's got cool new gear though

and carmella's on announce

with ellsworth on a leash

because of course

all bullshit aside, this is a good match

p sure i know who wins because of video thumbnails, but we shall see

-puts in an alarm for 11:05 to change those settings-

naomi casually scorpion kicks nattie in the face like it ain't no thang nattie gets knocked out of the ring, carmella takes the opportunity to front at her with her briefcase

aaaaaand naomi planchas her and ellsworth

and nattie gets a sharpshooter off the distraction for the tap

so yeah, the outcome i expected

so that's three really good title matches down, but of course our main event will be the corporate disciplinary hearing

kevin walks in on aiden practising his opera, offers him a job singing the theme song to the kevin owens show

he freestyles something, kevin is pleased

really, i'm looking forward to this grand restructuring

more like perestroiKO

and now here's dolph

with his own entrance for once

claiming to be the single best performer in wwe history

wait, is this whole rejection of gimmicks gimmick because kfc dropped him?

has a rant, walks off, comes back as bayley

gives up halfway through after the crowd are super into it, bunches a bayley buddy

has another rant, walks off again

and now he's the ultimate warrior

this is not gonna go down well with a lot of people

has dolph just spent a lot of time on the create-an-entrance tool in 2k17?

"So this is what it's come to"

dude, warrior was around like thirty years ago

how is this new

has another rant about how no-one can do what he can and how nobody cares

throws the mic at the announce table, stomps out of the ring as it goes WHONK

somewhat ruined the moment, tbh

who am i kidding, there wasn't a moment, it was dolph ziggler

back to the ring, and someone's cleared away the dead inflatables, so here are the hype bros

to be fed to alpha 2.0

now in beta

shelton makes an impression by dragon screwing mojo through about three laws of physics

counters a rough ryder into a lovely delayed spinebuster, powerbomb-cutter combo for the pin

nearly stymied by shelton thinking chad's arms were longer than they were

learn to tag, guys

mojo shakes hands and hugs them, zack stomps off

i smell plot

but up next, oh fuck vince is here where do we keep the spirits

daniel has responded to that question with a drawing of a magnet and what i'm reasonably sure is a swarm of hornets

guess that answers that question

so yeah, one myc ad later, kevin's in ring

and here comes vince

ain't nobody got swag this floppy

and what a delightful grey/green plaid suit

(disclaimer for text: that was sarcasm, it's fucking awful)

kevin launches straight into it with a thing about how vince must be intimidated by him

a spirit long-sealed at the bottom of a dry well replies

or possibly that's vince's voice

hard to tell sometimes

oh, again with the body-negative cracks

and making fun of kevin for not fighting back because lol cowards

i mean, i know that cowardice is the ultimate insult in wrestling, but it carries a lot of unpleasant baggage

vince promises to fire kevin if he sues the company, which i'm 100% sure breaks a whole lot of labour laws

just add 'wrongful dismissal' to that docket

vince claims to have never lost a lawsuit, i don't believe it for a second

also claims the laws of the land were written for men like him, which i can believe all day

apparently shane was suspended for not killing kevin

the fuck, vince

this is seriously the worst company anyone could ever work for

vince reinstates shane, makes a match at hiac so he can murder him properly

like, i know i read too much into wrestling, but this is tying into so much rich white male dickwad shit that it's making me deeply uncomfortable

vince agrees to give him his word that he won't have any repercussions for beating the shit out of a mcmahon

so kevin hits him in the head with a mic so he bleeds everywhere

and this is why we consider contract wording, children

ref tries ineffectually to get kevin to leave, so he just kicks vince in the stomach

and i get distracted by vince's old man socks for days

vince gets up, eats a superkick

kevin throws three refs out of the way, sets up for a frog splash

that dude in the suit whose name i always forget tries to stop him

it doesn't work

kevin walks up the ramp looking like he might have realised what he just did, steph comes out in that killer pantsuit to stare daggers at him

and we fade on an awful old man bleeding from his forehead and staggering up the ramp, supported by his daughter and that dude whose name still eludes me

so hey guys, who's hyped for the myc final?

sometimes, smackdown editing outdoes itself

(it might be scott armstrong?)

(fuck, but i'm bad at faces)

right - while this blog might never sleep, the lights go out in ten minutes, so we should probably relocate

expect another post sooner rather than later, since it's no mercy on sunday

and expect a decent outro...definitely later

[placetobenation]

September 11, 2017

From the Honda Center in Anaheim, CA

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Corey Graves, and Booker T

The show starts off with a moment of silence to pay tribute to those lives lost on September 11th, 2001.

We are shown a clip of the John Cena/Roman Reigns confrontation from last week.

Roman Reigns vs. Jason Jordan

Jordan offers a handshake to Reigns but gets stared down instead. Reigns laughs off Jordan after tying up then soon after that starts hammering away. Jordan catches Reigns and hits an overhead suplex and goes to work in the corner as Cole hypes up tonight’s Cena vs. Braun Strowman match. Reigns surprises Jordan with a clothesline then hits ten more in the corner. He follows with a big boot but Jordan blocks a Superman Punch and puts Reigns in a crossface. Reigns reaches the ropes then heads out for a breather as we go to commercial. The match returns with Reigns beating on Jordan. We see Cena watching the match backstage on a monitor as Reigns stays in control. Reigns follows a suplex with a chinlock then hits a Samoan Drop for a nearfall. Jordan backs Reigns into the corner then catches a kick and hits a capture suplex as both men are down. Jordan hits a clothesline for two then wins a slugfest and starts running wild. He drives Reigns into the corner and waits for him to head out to hit a belly-to-belly but Reigns fights out. Jordan then hits another suplex for a nearfall then lowers the straps before hitting rolling Northern Lights suplexes but that still cannot put Reigns away. Jordan goes back to the crossface but Reigns is able to make it to the ropes. Reigns comes back with the Drive By then the Superman Punch before hitting the spear for the win (15:20) ***1/4. After the match, Reigns stares down Jordan then extends his hand as they shake. The camera cuts to Cena backstage.

Thoughts: Jordan continues to show great fire in the ring but the crowd still does not care. Its a shame his character was presented in such an awful manner. Sure, Jordan got some cheers but just about anyone going up against Reigns will and no one bought him as having a chance. He will have an awfully hard time getting the crowd to care going forward too.

Charly Caruso interrupts Cena and asks if he has anything to say to Reigns. Cena says he does but will do so in the ring as leaves just before commercial.

We return from break with Cena heading out to the ring as Reigns was waiting in the corner. Cena tosses Reigns a mic then wants him to explain himself after what he did last week when interrupting to chastise Cena for barely being able to beat Jordan. Cena wants Reigns to explain himself and not just say one line like “it’s my yard.” Reigns says he is out there having a great match, something Cena knows nothing about. Reigns says he has had more great matches in the past two years than Cena has in his entire career. Cena is laughing and says Reigns “buried himself.” He puts over Reigns skills but that he has his head “up his ass” for thinking he runs the WWE. Cena tells Reigns he is here to cut him down to size. Cena says he challenges himself daily while telling Reigns he will learn what real failure is all about and if he’s “the guy” he’ll show us what he is all about. Cena is about to leave but Reigns tells him to bring his “bitch ass” back. Reigns tells Cena he came to RAW and called him out. Reigns puts over how business is great now and he’s sold more tickets than Cena and suggests Cena needs the WWE because he cannot cut it in Hollywood. Reigns even jokes that he knows a guy in Hollywood that can help. Cena then tells Reigns at No Mercy, consider him like a drug test because “he ain’t getting past him.

Once again, these segments are not helping Reigns. I’m sure he’ll win at No Mercy but he’s been exposed as wooden and someone who quite frankly lacks the presence of someone you would make the focal point of the WWE. They are also losing their effectiveness and this was easily the weakest verbal joust to date. However, this match remains high profile and intriguing. 

Emma vs. Sasha Banks 

Alexa Bliss is on commentary. Emma stomps away in the corner but Sasha fights back. Emma hits a clothesline then Nia Jax’s music hits as stands on the ramp then heads over to Alexa and orders her off the chair as we head to break. We return with Nia sitting next to Alexa as Emma gets a nearfall with a running body block in the corner but shortly after that Sasha takes her over in the Banks Statement and gets the win (7:16) *.

Thoughts: Man, did this match die live. The focus was on Alexa and Nia as they will likely feud after No Mercy. Sasha is now an afterthought and Emma is likely involved to eat the pin during the Fatal Four Way. The RAW’s Women Division remains a mess.

A video package on last week’s cage match between Braun Strowman and Big Show airs.

Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman come out to the ring. Heyman tells us that his job is to sell us on Lesnar’s match against Braun Strowman at No Mercy. He puts over how Strowman slammed Lesnar around then laid him out the following night as Heyman says for the first time, Lesnar is facing a bigger and more powerful opponent. However, Heyman wants to know if Strowman is “badder” than Lesnar and he better be all three in order to rip the Universal Title from his hands. Heyman compares Strowman to Lesnar in 2002 when he was billed as the “next big thing” but wants to know if Strowman is going to be ready at No Mercy. Heyman then brings up when Lesnar was locked inside of the “Brocktagon” and before he fought they asked if he was ready. Lesnar says he is as Heyman hypes than up but Strowman runs out and they brawl. Lesnar hits a German suplex but Strowman pops right back up as Lesnar is in a state of shock. Strowman hits a chokeslam then the powerslam before picking up the Universal Championship belt and laying it across Lesnar. Best segment of the night. They’ve done a masterful job in building up Strowman. The crowd digs him and he does have the presence Reigns sorely lacks. I don’t see Lesnar dropping the strap but do wonder what kind of finish they come up with to protect Strowman.

Later tonight, Enzo Amore will be the guest on “Miz TV” but next Bray Wyatt is in action.

Booker T thanks the WWE Universe for their continued support for the victims of Hurricane Harvey as the Red Cross number flashes on the screen.

Bray Wyatt tells his opponent, Goldust, he watched him for a long time. He used to think Goldust was different but now thinks he’s just afraid and covering his insecurities with paint. He calls Goldust a mere mortal and all he can do is run.

Goldust vs. Bray Wyatt

Last time we saw Goldust, he was telling us about finding his next star in an angle seemingly gone by the wayside. Goldust takes control early but Bray takes him down then hammers away. Goldust avoids a senton then hits him with a senton of his own from the apron. Bray gets rolled inside but is able to take out Goldust then hits the Sister Abigail for the win (2:06) *. After the match, Bray pulls out a rag and wipes off Goldust’s face paint and yells how he is just a man like Finn Balor but Balor runs out for the save.

Thoughts: Fine for a squash match but this Bray/Balor feud needs to end. Its doing nothing but hurting Balor in the long run. If there ever was a guy that needed to switch brands, its him because he’s floundering at the moment. The Bray Wyatt character makes me want to reach for the remote and you can see how ineffective he is at the moment.

Charly is backstage with Cesaro & Sheamus. They see Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson as more of a threat than Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins because they are an actual team whereas Rollins & Ambrose are just enjoying the good times of their reunion tour. Cesaro & Sheamus promise to take care of Gallows & Anderson tonight as they believe Rollins & Ambrose will destruct and throw each other under the bus as they vow to reclaim the Tag Team Titles.

Gallows & Anderson head out to the ring with Rollins & Ambrose on commentary. Rollins & Ambrose stare down Cesaro & Sheamus as they make their entrance as they start brawling. Gallows & Anderson run down and beat on the champs before brawling with Cesaro & Sheamus. Rollins & Ambrose fight back until several officials run out to break up the fight.

Ambrose & Rollins are backstage with GM Kurt Angle. They want to face both teams tonight but Angle does not want to jeopardize the No Mercy Tag Team Championship match so he says they need to find another team to pair with in a 4 vs. 4 match. Ambrose doesnt care if he has to get “Mickey Mouse & Batman” as they’ll find someone. They leave as Angle says he thinks Mickey & Batman will make a good team.

A video hyping the debut of Asuka airs. After that, we are shown Nia shaking her head.  Alexa enters. She tells Nia about Angle trying to steal their spotlight and tries to suck up to Nia, who says they are not friends. Alexa then apologizes for not giving her a title opportunity sooner. Nia then says she spoke to Angle and their 1 vs. 1 match will happen next week. She leaves as Alexa looks worried.

Elias is in the ring. He tells us that walking with him is the best decision we will make in our lives. Elias then sings us a song about the best thing to do in Anaheim being packing your bags and leaving and how much the town sucks. However, he is interrupted by Kalisto as these two will face off.

Elias vs. Kalisto

Kalisto kicks Elias a few times to start. He follows with a crossbody then flies outside with a somersault senton. Elias fights back after yanking Kalisto down on the apron then stomps a mudhole in the corner. He follows with a clothesline that gets two before going to work on the arm. Kalisto manages a two count with a rollup then runs wild. He gets a nearfall with a tornado DDT but is then caught and flattened with a powerbomb then Elias hits the Drift Away for the win (4:28) **.

Thoughts: This was alright but the crowds are not caring for Elias from bell-to-bell. Part of that may be due to it better fitting a smaller wrestler that could run away and someone you want to see get their ass kicked instead of a muscular guy facing off against smaller wrestlers. Kalisto continues to flounder on the main roster and you have to wonder why they haven’t made him part of the Cruiserweight Division.

Replay of Strowman laying out Lesnar is shown.

John Cena vs. Braun Strowman

Cole lets us know that Big Show needed surgery after facing Strowman last week. Cena looks nervous then gets shoved outside by Strowman. Cena avoids Strowman then grabs a side headlock. Strowman clotheslines Cena then hammers away. Cole calls Cena the greatest WWE Superstar of all-time as Cena manages a dropkick. However, Strowman runs across the ring to hit a dropkick of his own then follows with an avalanche in the corner. Cena fights back and tries for the AA but that fails as Strowman sends him to the mat. Strowman eats boot on a corner charge but comes back to hit Cena with a fallaway slam as we head to break. The match returns with Strowman in control as we see a clip of him whipping Cena into the steps. Cena reverses an Irish whip and sends Strowman into the apron then back inside tries another AA but collapses as Strowman covers for a two count. Cena avoids a charge in the corner and hits a Saito suplex. Cena tries for the Five Knuckle Shuffle but Strowman pops up and catches him with a spinebuster for a two count as we see Reigns watching the match from the locker room. Cena finally catches Strowman with the AA but Strowman rolls outside. Cena heads out but Strowman smashes him in the head with the stairs. Strowman then puts the steps in the ring and powerslams Cena on top of them but that causes the ref to signal for the DQ (13:05) **1/4. After the match, Strowman mocks Cena then we see Reigns smile backstage. Charly asks Reigns about his thoughts on what just happened but he is focused on No Mercy.

Thoughts: A one-sided match with a weak finish since Strowman used the stairs as a weapon prior to being disqualified. It never felt special either and this was a fresh matchup that could have made for weeks of compelling TV. Maybe they play off of the fact Strowman manhandled Cena in the future but I’m not holding my breath. And this does nothing for Cena in his feud with Reigns.

Rollins & Ambrose are roaming the halls searching for partners. They see two kids then Dean Malenko & Jamie Noble but note they are in suits and not ready to fight. However, they see the Hardy Boyz and asks if they are doing anything tonight as Matt notes they are doing “positively wonderful” and they talk but the camera cuts away.

Miz TV with guest Enzo Amore. Cole plugs Smackdown in Las Vegas that features three titles and an appearance by Vince McMahon, who will confront Kevin Owens. The show starts off with Miz & Maryse giving us the announcement that they are having a baby. The crowd does the “Yes” chant as the two kiss with Miz pledging to be with their child, unlike Kurt Angle. Miz then prepares a speech but is interrupted by Enzo. We get the usual routine from Enzo but Miz is upset. Miz tells Enzo this is his show and he will do the introductions. Enzo says he is here to congratulate them both and offends Miz, who then goes off on him. Miz says that Enzo never knows when to shut up and that’s why he is kicked off of tour buses and the locker room. Miz then says there was nowhere else for him to go but the Cruiserweight Division since the entire RAW roster cannot stand him and notes this is coming from himself, someone who had to fight and crawl for respect after years. Miz then tells Enzo he sees a lot of talent in him but keeps making mistakes. Miz says that Neville hones his craft and perfects his work in the ring while he just wants to chill with “third-rate rappers.” He notes that his meal ticket in Cass is not around and that he’s just a con artist with a few catchphrases. Enzo reminds us he is the realest guy in the room and tells “Mikey” they have nothing in common. He calls out Miz for copying Chris Jericho and Ric Flair while saying he is original and is going on to become the Cruiserweight Champion to defeat Neville and after that will have no problem beating a paper champion like Miz, who asks the crowd if they think he’s a paper champion. Miz then tells Enzo if he was championship material is best friend would not have abandoned him but Enzo says he has all he needs to fight Miz right now. Miz tells Enzo he will show him how to walk, talk, and act like a champion and will dedicate his victory to his unborn child. Enzo then says Daniel Bryan was right and there is one word to describe him and that is SAWFT.

For some reason the company thinks we should still cheer Enzo after segments like this and goes to show you just how out of touch the creative team is in presenting likable characters you want to get behind and have succeed. Who wants to root for a guy no one can stand and gets kicked off of buses while on tour? When this ended, I was all for Miz beating the crap out of Enzo. 

Miz w/ Maryse & Miztourage vs. Enzo Amore

Enzo mocks Miz after dodging a few attacks in the corner. They then work an ugly sequence that has both guys in the ropes before Enzo slides outside. Enzo grabs the mic and tells Miz is “wrestling” is going straight to DVD and has Miz chase him around. Miz dodges a baseball slide and clotheslines Enzo grabs the mic and asks Enzo how he is doing and repeatedly slams his head against the apron while screaming into the mic. Miz gets cut off the top rope as Enzo takes the mic and needs to ask his baby “Who’s your daddy” but that causes Miz to go ballistic. Enzo gets dumped and the Miztourage beat him down for the DQ (3:02) DUD. A “whose your daddy” chant breaks out as Miz hits Enzo with the Skull Crushing Finale.

Thoughts: A terrible segment. I suppose Enzo feuds with Miz after facing Neville at No Mercy but what we saw in the ring was brutal, even if it was just for a few minutes.

Tomorrow night, TJP will face Rich Swann as 205 Live immediately follows the Mae Young Classic.

Enzo is hurting backstage then looks over to see Neville, who starts laughing.

Cesaro & Sheamus & Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Seth Rollins & Dean Ambrose & Hardy Boyz

Everyone brawls before the bell. Things settle down with Jeff beating on Cesaro. Matt and Sheamus mix out up after that then Matt dumps him and Cesaro and tags Jeff for the Poetry in Motion to the outside as we head to break. The match returns with Ambrose beating on Anderson. Gallows super kicks Ambrose off of the apron then Ambrose gets beat on in the corner. The heels continue to cut off the ring then we have a major screwup as Matt was supposed to break up the pin but tripped getting into the ring and the ref stopped the count, with Corey trying to cover by saying the ref stopped when he saw Matt from the corner of his eye. Gallows & Anderson drag Matt outside then Anderson beats on Ambrose for a bit. Ambrose fights back with a neckbreaker but Gallows prevents a tag. Ambrose fights out of a Magic Killer attempt then avoids a charging Sheamus then finally makes the tag. Rollins runs wild on Anderson then the match breaks down. Cesaro & Sheamus end up leaving then Anderson tries a sneak attack but is hit with the ripcord knee smash then put away with the Dirty Deeds (13:16) **1/4.

Thoughts: This was quite sloppy at times but the faces won to send the crowd home happy. The Hardy Boyz both look like they are hurting, especially Matt who struggled mightily in limited action. The end made sense since Cesaro & Sheamus do not like Gallows & Anderson, who are portrayed as being a level below the other three teams.

Final Thoughts: The Strowman/Lesnar confrontation was awesome and the Jordan vs. Reigns match was good but there were too many ineffective segments tonight. Plus, how the company currently presents their babyface characters is just baffling. People generally do not want to cheer for those who are annoying, incompetent, or the office favorite. Not just in wrestling but in shows or in all other walks of life. In 2017 WWE, these are traits displayed by babyface talents. The top of the card at No Mercy looks good but the rest is struggling.