#bonus autism participation points to anyone who tells me which line in here most makes them go 'OH GOD.'

[crimeronan]

scenes all pulled from the main fic. i decided to go maximum autism and pull long relevant lyric quotes for each, so. just read it like it's poetry and go "wow, shit, that fits so well it's uncanny. no Wonder luz has ptsd like a motherfucker"

when belos and luz kill the basement grimwalker together:

blinding - florence and the machine

felt it in my fists, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids. shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs. no more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone, no more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden. no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

gun in my hand - dorothy

why did love put a gun in my hand? in my bed, in my head, in my hand was it for redemption or was it for revenge? was it for the bottle? was it for the ledge? was it for the thrill of pushing my hope to the edge?

under the water - the pretty reckless

excuse me, sir, am i your daughter? won't you take me back and see? [...] broken lines across my mirror show my face all red and bruised and though i screamed and i screamed, no one came running. no i wasn't saved, i wasn't safe from you

when luz pretends to be interested in making a grimwalker of amity:

[inserting a cut to save everyone's dashboards]

everybody's fool - evanescence

just what we all need, more lies about a world that never was and never will be. have you no shame? don't you see me? look, here she comes now. bow down and stare in wonder. oh how we love you, no flaws when you're pretending. but now i know she never was and never will be without the mask, where will you hide? can't find yourself, lost in your lies. i know the truth now, i know who you are, and i don't love you anymore

shot in the dark - within temptation

in the blink of an eye, i can see through your eyes. as i'm lying awake i'm still hearing the cries and it hurts, hurts me so bad and i'm wondering why i still fight in this life 'cause i've lost all my faith in this damn bitter strife and it's sad, it's so damn sad your soul is on fire, a shot in the dark - what did they aim for when they missed your heart? i breathe underwater, it's all in my hands. what can i do? don't let it fall apart

when luz dreams about killing hunter:

chasing twisters - delta rae

kiss me now, this whiskey on my breath - feel the lives that i have taken, what little soul that i have left. and oh, my God, i'll take you to the grave, the only love i've ever known, the only soul i ever saved [...] don't you know i dream about you? don't you know i dream about you?

ship to wreck - florence and the machine

oh, my love, remind me, what was it that i said? i can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed and oh my love, remind me, what was it that i did? did i drink too much? am i losing touch? did i build this ship to wreck? [...] don't let the curtain catch you cause you've been here before. the chair is an island, darling, you can't touch the floor

the flowers - regina spektor

the flowers you gave me are rotting and still i refuse to throw them away some of the bulbs never opened quite fully, they might so i'm waiting and staying awake things i have loved i'm allowed to keep. i'll never know if i go to sleep

when luz and hunter fight about how she's hiding belos's abuse:

frozen - within temptation

i would stop running if i knew there was a chance. it tears me apart to sacrifice it all but i'm forced to let go tell me i'm frozen, but what can i do? can't tell the reasons i did it for you. when lies turn into truth, i sacrificed for you. you say that i'm frozen but what can i do? i can feel your sorrow. you won't forgive me but i know you'll be all right. it tears me apart that you will never know but i have to let go

politics of love - rise against

i hear your voice in the wind. it follows me, it cuts right through the noise as we spin on dance floors made of ice so rest your hand in mine. steady now, ignore the sound of breaking lines, the cracks beneath our feet as time runs out [...] clear signs outlined but i couldn't see what i see now i should have said something to you when i saw you walk away. instead i did nothing and now you're gone and it's too late. so we board up the windows we used to look through

when belos tries to kill hunter:

fairytale - elysion

once upon a time in a land far away where the fairytale lied, you would have it your way. i would always have wished as i stood in the mist to undo the spell i was under years went by and the story goes on, i'm here wondering why i did everything wrong, always hoping that i'd find the wisdom to fly and be no more the prey but the hunter all seems like the perfect ending, still i'm close to understanding: i still breathe while you're killing me

are you done with me - delain

this city drinks and roars, each word so meaningless. each word, especially yours, echoes inside my head can't you see i won't let you get your way, let you get the best of me? i just need to know, are you done with me? are you done with me? and if you are, won't you just let me be? [...] are you done with me, are you honestly? did you realize that i can't be all you need?

unbecoming - starset

it's automatic, it's telepathic, you always knew me. and you laugh as i search for a harbor as you point where your halo had been, but the light in your eyes has been squandered. there's no angel in you in the end. and all that i was, i left behind me eyes in the dead still water, tried but it pushed back harder. cauterized and atrophied, this is my unbecoming. knives in the backs of martyrs, lives in the burning fodder

when luz kills his ass right back:

devil's backbone - the civil wars

oh lord, oh lord, what have i done? i've fallen in love with a man on the run. oh lord, i'm begging you please, don't take that sinner from me oh lord, oh lord, what do i do? i've fallen for someone who's nothing like you. he's raised on the edge of the devil's backbone, i just wanna take him home give me the burden, give me the blame, i'll shoulder the load and i'll swallow the shame. give me the burden, give me the blame, how many hail marys is it gonna take?

the last song i'm wasting on you - evanescence

sickened in the sun, you dare tell me you love me, but you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die. honey you know i'd never hurt you that way, "you're just so pretty in your pain" give up my way and i could be anything. i'll make my own way without your senseless hate so run, run, run, and hate me if it feels good. i can't hear your screams anymore. you lied to me but i'm older now, and i'm not buying, baby!

when luz finally confesses to hunter:

close to heaven - breaking benjamin

i try to breathe, shade my eyes, follow the damned. i have lost the way again. stay, trust in life, carried beneath, dead arise. sorrow avenged - i will face the weak within so i'll stay unforgiven and i'll keep love together. and i'll be yours forever, i'll sleep close to heaven i'm coming home, i'm coming home, i'm coming home. release me, my love

heavy in your arms - florence and the machine

is it worth the wait, all this killing time? are you strong enough to stand protecting both your heart and mine? who is the betrayer, who's the killer in the crowd? my love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball wrapped around your ankles over the waterfall. i'm so heavy, heavy in your arms. this will be my last confession - "i love you" never felt like any blessing. whisper it like it's a secret in order to condemn the one who hears it...

I was listening to your princess playlist the other day, as one does, and I was wondering if you have it in any particular chronological order? Or is it just vibes?

OOOH. the playlist isn't in any particular chronological order (i put songs on there as i thought of them), but i think i CAN roughly assign songs to specific scenes, so. i'll do that in a reblog. this seems like a good thing to use my autism powers on.

[pixel-glow-blog]

But you have mild Autism, right?

So, I just got back from a haircut today. And the conversation I had with the stylist there took an unpleasant turn. 

My mother came with me, because I have an issue with going nonverbal under stress, and it made me feel better to have her there in case I couldn’t explain to the stylist what I wanted. My mom explained that I was autistic, and that’s why she was with me. “Oh, my stepson has autism.” Great, the ‘being compared to a friend/relative that also has autism’ line. Bonus points for saying “has autism” instead of “is autistic” But, whatever. People like comparing things, that’s just how society works. She asks me about my day, I attempt to make small talk. 

And then the dreaded question: “But you have mild Autism, right?” Almost every autistic gets this question. You might get it as “But you’re high functioning, right?” or as “But you’re not severely autistic, are you?” I have always been uncomfortable with this question, but for the longest time I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why, but today, I think I figured it out. It’s not just because they’re using functioning labels, which everyone who’s listened to the autistic community knows are not only inaccurate and unhelpful, but are almost always used to deny agency or support. 

It’s because that’s not what she’s asking. She isn’t asking how much support I need, or what accommodations I use. She isn’t asking what activities I struggle with, or how many ADLs I can perform. No. She’s asking me “But you’re not one of those, right?” “I can still talk shit about autistic people in front of you, right?”

 “I didn’t mistake one of those ‘low functioning’ autistics for an actual person, did I?”

The question caught me off guard, and I (unsuccessfully) tried to explain that functioning labels didn’t really work, and my mom added that today was a good day for me. The lady seemed to get that it was a day to day thing, but because I was able to speak, I believe she kept her assumption that I was ‘mild’. Which is always really wild to me because when I was diagnosed by my psychiatrist, I was actually classed as “extremely low functioning” (I don’t agree with functioning labels, but that’s literally what’s on the paperwork). Like, ya, I can speak verbally sometimes, and I’m capable of blogging and stuff, but I can’t drive, make my own food, or even remember to eat on a regular basis. You can’t call me high or low functioning, or say I have mild or severe autism, because Surprise! Humans are more complex than that. Shocker, I know.

And then she started telling me about her stepson. And everything she said about him was negative. She complained about how it was “so hard to explain to people” when he flapped his hands in public because he’s really tall for a kid, so people mistake him for an adult. Implying that only children are allowed to stim, I guess? I flap my hands, and I’m 22. Fuck anyone who tries to tell me that expressing yourself is only for kids. She told me about how he’s “decided he’s not going to drive, he’s not going to get a job, he’s not going to college”. Which, you know what? Fine. If he’s recognizing his limits and thinks he’s not capable of doing any of those things, that’s fine. He’s still a worthwhile human being. If he decides later on that he wants to attempt those things, more power to him, but they’re not necessary. But more than that, apparently this kid is 13. 13. What fucking person knew exactly that they were going to go to college, get a job, and were capable of driving at fucking 13?!?! This is fucking ableist garbage. You’re setting a higher standard for a disabled child, than most people do with their non-disabled children. While also implying that he is wrong for making such decisions. Stay classy.

I told her that I also couldn’t drive because it was unsafe. But she went on about how she “just wants him to try, how hard is it?” How hard is it? You’re driving a fucking one ton hunk of metal, electronics and flammable gas at high speeds, in tight quarters, in highly populated areas. Driving is fucking dangerous, and the consequences of making a mistake are LITERALLY life and death. Just because this is something that almost everyone in our culture can do, doesn’t erase the fact that it’s fucking complicated and dangerous as shit, and it’s fucked up that not being able to drive is so looked down upon. 

So I just tried to smile and nod and wait for the haircut to be over so I could get out of there as fast as I could. And at the end of it, she hadn’t said a single positive thing about her stepson. Not. One. And I can’t help but feel sorry for this poor boy, who has to deal with this Autism Mom™ who trash talks her son to strangers. Who likely knows exactly what she thinks of him, even if he doesn’t say it.

Which brings me back to my main point. Why the hell would this woman think talking negatively about her autistic son to me, another autistic person, would be remotely okay? Why the fuck would that even cross her mind? 

And it’s because ableism is so ingrained in our society, so widely accepted, that neurotypical and able-bodied people think even disabled and neurodivergent people want to hear about it. The dehumanization of autistic people is considered the norm so much, that it’s assumed everyone wants to participate. Which is why I hate that that question. “But you have mild autism, right?” Because they’re not asking how autism affects you. They’re asking if you’re going to object to how bigoted they are going to be. If you say that your autism is ‘mild’, welcome to the Ableism Club! If you say that your autism is ‘severe’, then they’re likely to talk shit in front of you anyway, because they think you’re not capable of understanding what’s going on around you. 

This question makes me uncomfortable because not only is it NEVER asked by people who are actually allies of autistics, but because it’s a warning sign that someone is going to be a shitty person. So forgive me if I’m not wanting to play devil’s advocate here, and pretend that she’s probably actually a great mother who really understands, and she just doesn’t know the correct terminology. If she has a fucking autistic child and cared AT ALL, the barest amount of research could tell her that is not a cool question to ask. The fact that she uses person first language (You know, so she doesn’t forget we’re actual people) and labels autism like it’s a fucking salsa at taco bell, tells me she knows nothing about autism. And if she knows nothing about autism as the parent of an autistic child, she’s a fucking shitty parent. 

But anyway, I’m really worked up now. Probably going to go eat a burger and hope that this kid has got SOMEONE is his life that cares about him. All autistic people deserve that.