#bogrollpocalypse now

[scumtrout]

Today I got a grocery collection slot with a major supermarket. I got excited about that.

Yesterday I collected an order from a farm shop. It included mushrooms. I got excited about that too.

My food bill is currently insane. Not because of quantity, but because I’m going for quality.

Food is MY LIFE.

I think I’m spoiled now.

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In the past few days I have received 1kg of mixed stinky cheeses and 1kg of yoghurt coated peanuts, and this was hubris.

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I know people who are like ‘lockdown looks like it might end in 3 weeks! i can’t wait to go out and do things around people!’ and... I don’t know. I am happy to avoid humanity for the rest of the year if it means I'll have a decreased risk of carrying a strange new exciting virus that kills people thank you.

Of course... avoiding people will be a terrible burden for me... but I shall bravely endure it... for the good of society...

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Also people keep saying to me ‘scumtrout, you’re handling this situation really well’, and I’m like ‘thanks, it was because I expected a catastrophic event from an early age and also I fucking hate being around people’.

‘how do you cope with the isolation, scumtrout?’ motherfucker i go on holiday to GET isolation. my biggest concern is that when lockdown ends, the presence of people will make me go into sensory overload. If it wasn’t for the fact that I want to keep an eye out for my parents, I’d seriously consider getting a croft in Scotland and throwing rocks at anyone who came too close.

Also, as a key worker whose job still allows me to massively avoid people, I am finding it difficult to summon sympathy for colleagues in the same position who are struggling with lockdown. I want to yell ‘IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE  FRONTLINE NHS’, which is probably the new ‘THINK OF THE CHILDREN STARVING IN AFRICA/KIM THERE’S PEOPLE THAT ARE DYING’. It is a huge privilege to still have a job while avoiding others, and I stumbled into it by luck.

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I was wondering if my recent sinus issues were caused by covid, but it turns out that the local oilseed fields are in flower. I just sneezed so hard that my head forcibly ejected whatever viruses were hanging around in there and also possibly 1/3rd of a mental illness.

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I keep wanting to go to places that I have absolutely no reason to feel nostalgic about. ‘sigh I wish I could go to a Home Bargains store right now’ Bitch, why? ‘I wish I could visit my shitty industrial hometown’ BITCH NO YOU DON’T. ‘I wish I could get a McDonalds’ What, so you can relive the experience of eating chicken strips in a car park? No.

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me: prince charles will be fine because he has money

a colleague: he’ll be fine, but not because he has money

me: :|

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Also I can’t stop looking at coronavirus news but by this point it’s a repetition of the following:

stay indoors

some people are not staying indoors. they are fuckers.

DEBATE: should we postpone the apocalypse with blood sacrifice

well there goes the entire holiday industry

people are panic buying because they are scared of people panic buying

in the uk, supermarkets enforce rationing, sorta. i guess.

people shopping in supermarkets do not stay 6 feet apart and now feel the perverse need to get so close that they’re practically climbing into each other’s arseholes

people’s lives fucked over entirely due to bureaucracy moreso than usual

please check your garden shed and the back of your sofa for any spare ventilators you might have lying around

[scumtrout]

I’ve been making an effort to walk and stand as much as possible during lockdown, which ironically means I am walking and standing much more than I did previously, and about every 2 weeks I’ll be standing at my desk my right leg will pop in a way that is absolutely painless and should technically be satisfying but MAKES ME WANT TO CLIMB OUT MY OWN SKIN. The noise is pure unadulterated meaty body horror that can not be compared to any noise from an inorganic source. I used to pop my knees at people to freak them out, but my body has finally succeeded in producing a sound that freaks me out as well, so congrats to it I guess.

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Anyway lockdown forces you to confront many uncomfortable truths about yourself, such as the fact that you still really like Muse.

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Nutritionally, my diet has massively improved, but my brain is making it weird:

last night I dreamt about eating glazed doughnuts. I no longer have any desire to eat them, but for a brief window this morning, the prospect of eating them seemed... transcendent.

I just ate a piece of spam, and it reminded me of cake.

[scumtrout]

Because the pubs are closed and the sun is out, apparently people are stripping all the wine shelves bare.

:|

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As someone who is pretty bummed about the whole pandemic thing, I’m finding the sentiment of ‘some people have it worse than I do’ to be absolutely no consolation whatsoever. Like great, I get to feel bad for those people as well.

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So, the first week of working from home due to PLAGUE is over.

The team has a daily check in via Zoom. This is not my favourite thing, because it makes me feel like I’m visible the entire time, and I am compelled to maintain a neutral/happy expression. Sometimes the video will randomly switch to one of my colleagues looking bored while someone else is talking, which is great.

During Zoom meetings I spend a lot of time admiring my own reflection, because I am fundamentally no different from a stupid little budgerigar with a mirror.

I’m experiencing cognitive dissonance where I’m glad to have a job while still being envious of the people who are just going to sit around and watch Netflix/read books/wank during lockdown.

I can’t yet tell if things at work will slow down or speed up. I’m considering taking some time off so I can spend a few days fucking around up some hills somewhere, away from people, but that seems Unwise.

If it turns out that my booked annual leave coincides with happy fun lockdown time, then I’m fucking cancelling it, because when you have a holiday at home, it feels like it lasts about a whole 3 hours before you have to go back to work again.

Now that I need to avoid cities, I want to visit cities.

I wish the BBC would post footage of Italian patients on ventilators and testimony from Italian healthcare workers and be like ‘DO YOU ENJOY BREATHING? IF SO, HERE’S A TIP: f u c k i n g . a v o i d . p e o p l e.’

I’m collecting groceries from a pick up location on Monday (because I am this close to losing my shit with my parents if they keep going into shops) so I don’t know how much of a Mad Max situation that will be.

[scumtrout]

I don’t know if it’s due to anxiety, using a standing desk, going out and getting fresh air twice a day, or the fact that I’ve been taking better care of myself due to circumstances (Huel features heavily in my diet), but this week I’ve had, like.. powerthirst levels of energy. Like I want to fight God.

I actually really like Huel. I’m saying that as someone who has drank a lot of liquid meals and has reached varying points of disgust with them.

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‘Apocalypse preppers who fantasise about all our artificial rules and governments falling away in times of chaos seem to forget that we invented those rules and governments. Over and over. When you put humans near each other, they group up and make a society.’ 

Yeah that’s nice but my pack bonding software is broken.