#bodyshamingmyself

[heathers-inner-thoughts]

Usually

I am a person all for body positivity and everything like that, lifting people up no matter their size, but what I am supposed to do when I have hit a day that I hate myself and my body worse than I did back in my middle school and high school days?(mind you those days were my cutting days.) I have a fucking mental and emotional break down that I can't seem to stop and there is no one around to help me.

[thenithrewup-blog]

Why can’t I lose weight? I get it. This is the first day of week two but come one man! I would be happy with a 10th of a pound. My app weight in is today. My meeting weight in is on Thursday. Maybe I can finish up the week with a positive. My meeting at WW is in the evening. I don’t really acknowledge those weight ins because I’ve been eating all day.

 Week 2 – Starting Weight: 222.7 lbs

Goal Weight: 150 lbs

Current Weight: 222.7 lbs

Gym goal – 0/3

[thenithrewup-blog]

So disappointed in myself. While I had a awesome time with my friends, I failed on my weight loss journey last night. My hangover prevented me from starting my day off right with @lucas_lifestyletraining at the gym. Today is a new day and yesterday is my lesson. #badlifechoices #dietfail #bodyshamingmyself #lifestylechangefail #fitblr (at Cooper's Hawk Winery & Restaurant)

[thenithrewup-blog]

Is it all for not? 1 week in and I have a major challenge. One of my favorite things to do is attend the Renaissance Festival. This weekend is opening weekend. I have been mulling this over in my head for a week now. I almost considered not starting this process until the fair closed in a month and a half.

There are so many things to tempt me while I am there. The very first item on my list of hurdles, beer. To say that there is a lot of beer is an understatement. I think it takes precisely an hour for me to consume enough alcohol to get me drunk. As the day goes on, it gets worse. Between the beers and the flasks, whew. In anticipation for this festival we generally get a hotel. This year we will take the train and uber the rest of the way.

I have some things going for me this week. I have stayed within my point for Weight Watchers. I have eaten 0 of my weekly. I have also gained another 67 points in FitPoints. If my calculations are right then I can drink A LOT of beer.

Yes, yes. I hear the absurdity of it now. Ok, this is a new journey. I have worked hard. I have made it to the gym three days this week. I have eaten smart. Maybe, I have a cheat day but instead I make some compromises.

I did some research and there is a veggie food stand and it happens to be next to the chicken on a stick stand. I will focus on the lean protein and vegetables to curb the potential for fried foods. For the drinking, I will stick to beer, refuse all the flasks and drink a water between each beer. I will even carry my wooden mug so that no one can tell if I am drinking water or beer. That will alleviate the peer pressure.

Week 1 – Starting Weight 222.7 lbs

Goal Weight 150 lbs

Gym goal – 3/3

[thenithrewup-blog]

Through my journey with being a big boned woman I have heard people remark repeatedly that they just cut out soda and lost a bunch of weight. I don’t drink soda. I rarely drink soda. I give death stares to people who drink soda and are skinny.

 That is the story I tell myself. I don’t drink soda so I should be skinny. Correct, I don’t drink soda but I drink a Starbucks every day. I have drunk a Grande Non-fat Vanilla Latte for over 10 years every morning.

You can’t really take the crack away from the junk. So, I made a small change. Venti Iced Black Tea is my go to Starbucks treat every morning. I’ve also started to bring my own lose tea to work that I get from CommuniTea Center. Maybe this will be the soda change I’ve heard others talk about.

Week 1 – Starting Weight 222.7 lbs

Goal Weight 150 lbs

Gym goal – 3/3

[thenithrewup-blog]

Walked my happy ass to Chipotle on a Friday, I get yogurt. 2 Points. Sugar free Pecans & Pralines #weightwatchers #weightloss #weighttraining #bodyshamingmyself #reward (at Yogurtland)

[thenithrewup-blog]

Dinner doesn’t have to be boring.. spice up your life! 13 points #weightwatchers #weightloss #bodyshamingmyself #chipotleforthewin #weighttraining #onedayatatime (at Chipotle)

[thenithrewup-blog]

Step 2, go to the gym. Like legit go to the gym. Stay present. Work hard. Don’t give up. Meet your goal. Wait! Make a goal. Meet your goal of going to the gym 3 times a week.

Week 1 – Starting Weight 222.7 lbs

Goal Weight 150 lbs

Gym goal – 3/3

[thenithrewup-blog]

Week 2 French Fries and Me

Week 2 is starting off tough. I partied like a rock star this weekend and now I want to eat everything that I shouldn’t. I drank all my weekly points on Saturday and then ate some of my Fit Points on Sunday. Hangovers are the worst. I didn’t food prep yesterday and went to the work cafeteria to scavenge. There are several good options to choose from and I could only see the burgers and meatloaf and French fries and wraps and cookies and OMG!

 I did the right thing and got the grilled salmon with veggies and collard greens. I also grabbed some strawberries to snack on later. However, I am certain those French fries would’ve tasted better.

 Week 2 – Starting Weight: 222.7 lbs

Goal Weight: 150 lbs

Current Weight: 222.7 lbs

Gym goal – 0/3

[thenithrewup-blog]

One WW point at a time

So, step one to getting my life back in order, join Weight Watchers.

Counting points isn’t hard. The new Weight Watchers Free Style eating isn’t awful. In the new program you can count certain foods as 0 points. Items that are free eating are things like yogurt, fruit, all vegetables, chicken, shrimp, etc. Their theory is very common sense driven. We all know that fruits are full of sugar, carrots are full of carbs and so on but I didn’t get fat eating fruit and carrots.

Week 1 – Starting Weight 222.7 lbs

Goal Weight 150 lbs

[thenithrewup-blog]

There is no angle I can take to look skinny. However at this time, in my head it was fine. I was fine. In my head, I was just “big boned” or “its genetic”.