#bluesmcgroove

[bluesmcgroove-blog]

A collection of thoughts of mine about depression

So, earlier today I read a small line on Reddit on a post asking how someone could not be able to get up and do stuff if they have depression. Knowing the attitude and mentality of the subreddits I tend to frequent, I clicked on it to see how idiotic some of the responses would be. I was so wrong. I can link you to specific comments, but I'd rather you read it yourself. I didn't feel like I could add anything to the reddit discussion, but I feel like I can add a touch from my personal experience living with depression. The user's question was, and I'm quoting here: "Depression. How can someone not be able to get up and do things? I just can't wrap my head around the concept of being in control of your body, but not being able to do something you want to or feel you need to do." First thing's first, his second sentence really stands out to me. "I just can't wrap my head around the concept of being in control of your body, but not being able to do something you want to or feel you need to do."  As something I've dealt with for my entire life, I can't really wrap my head around not understanding it. It's something I've grown up with, and lived with my entire life. It's only really upon retrospect that I find my childhood was ruled by depression equally, if not more-so than my adolescence and adulthood. For me, I've learned best from Nike. Just do it. I don't have any motivation each morning to get up. My alarm goes off at 3 different times in the morning. There's 5:30am, 6, and 6:30am that all poke at me, none of which give me any reason to actually get up. I drag myself out of bed because I know I have to so I can function like a normal adult human being. And even that's really after pushing myself for the hour I'm hitting snooze. And when I get up, you know what I think? "Why should I bother?" But one of the things that really gripped me in the replies was this line: "Some people are high functioning, others can't get out of bed (or have a real hard time)." Something I've had an issue with for a while now is thinking that I may just be a sad loser being that I'm not entirely fucked (pardon my language) when it comes to mental illness. I'm depressed, but I can still get up and go to work, or talk to people, or even try to pursue things that bring me momentary happiness. I still make friendships, attempt relationships, and pursue hobbies. Why am I not a self defacing puddle of ennui and emotionless nothing? Why? Because everyone's different, I guess.  But it's things like these that'll stick with you.  The other day a coworker complimented me in the most offhand way, and it really made my week. I was really exhausted that day and it wasn't just physically, it was mentally and emotionally as well. In attempt to talk to him I was stuttering, throwing lots of "um"s out and generally slow and "stupid" sounding. What he said to me that really jumped out and honestly still astounds me today was this: "Yeah, you seem to be struggling a bit, and you're usually better with words than me." Really made me feel so much better, and stuck through with me. Funny how the small one liners really work their way into your head. There were another couple compliments recently that meant a lot, but one kinda takes the cake for me recently. "You look good with facial hair." Not telling you who that was, they know who they are. If you've stuck through and read this whole thing then you're an awesome person. I thank you heavily for that, and I love you guys.

[bluesmcgroove-blog]

New YouTube Series.

So I have the secret project I've been working on scheduled for this Wednesday. I'm still not quite sharing what it is, but what I am sharing is what it's become. It first started out as simply a new video project that I just didn't want to share before, and I have a few episodes of that recorded. So here's just another hint: I'm going to be playing classic PC games. So I need your help, I need to find PC games from the 90s or earlier (Maybe from early 2000s as well). It won't matter what game, what style, or if it's long or short. Some games will be one-offs, some games will be series, but all of them will be "Classic PC Games." If you've got some titles, let me know. You can send me a message, or tweet at me, or message me on YouTube. But I want to know, because I want to experience some games I may never have had a chance to before.