#blue angel? it's time for us to get REVENGE. get him ladies -i attack him with a horde of trickstar link monsters-

[lunareiitic]

MY EVIL PLANT KING HAS ARRIVED

[kathyprior4200]

Helluva Boss Pilot: Gender Reverse

 Not too far away from Pentagram City lay a shady place in the bowels of Hell. “Welcome to Imp City: est. 1981” was posted on a worn wooden sign with a white painted eye toward the top. Under a crimson sky, a wide array of buildings made up the city, some with spikes on the roofs. Downtrodden imps of various colors and sizes mulled around the streets and ghettos. Mugging, sex, drugs, poverty, and murder were common aspects of their everyday afterlives. Indeed, being considered “lesser demons” and the “lowest of the low,” not very many had opportunities granted to them.

 Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.

 Just who were these imps?

  A nearby screen showed old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1 against red.

 Elektriza, a red and white faced imp appeared on stage in front of purple curtains. Elektriza smiled in front of the camera with a row of sharp yellow teeth, her eyes yellow with orange irises and black pupils. The left side of her face was red and the right side was white. A prominent black mark was visible on her forehead, looking like an upside down lotus. Her long curved horns were black and white, the horns curving inward toward her face like a ram’s. A dark navy blue business dress graced her form, orange-pink buttons going down the center of it. The collar of her dress was white and her red undershirt had a round pink pin with a stitched up face on it. Her dress had several tatters in it. Navy blue gloves covered her hands and wrists, with a yellow eye decoration on each one. She also wore matching cowgirl boots, the tips of them the same pinkish color as her pin. A red pointed tail with a few white spots on it excitedly swished back and forth behind her.

 “Hi there, I’m Elektriz, the “a” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.!”

 The logo appeared in red sparkles over her outstretched left hand. “I.M.P.” was shown in bold black letters, the “M” shaped like black and white imp horns. Down below were words in red: “Immediate Murder Professionals.”

 “Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?”

 A small screen in the right hand corner showed Elektriza wearing a black cape and two black pointed hats on her horns. A monocle rested near her left eye. She was grinning in front of a burning house. The sign beside her read “orphanage for disabled neglected children.”

 “Or are you an innocent soul who just happened to be fucked over by someone else?”

 The next slide showed Elektriza in a white angel costume throwing a styrofoam cup into a waste bin next to a recycle bin. An old clerk with large glasses was working behind a desk in the background. Red pentagrams decorated the walls.

 The next clip showed a video of a tall muscular red demon talking in front of a camera. She was wearing a white shirt that read “Ohio” on it in red. A 666 News billboard was in the background along with a “Hella” sign and a beer poster. An imp held a wooden sign that read “Some person who hired us!”

 The red demon spoke, “After lovingly killing my husband for fucking a delivery lady, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me.” She punched one of her hands with her meaty fist. “I really wish I could just stick it to that yapping charter who saw me hiding the body!”

The scene cut back to Elektriza who was shown holding an ornate Satanic ritual book. She was in a room full of white candles and skulls scattered on the floor and a white clothed altar with a round mirror on it.

 Behind her were her two employee imps, Moxxia and Millard. Moxxia had white messy hair and black and white stripped horns curving back in a zig zag look. Several white tuffs of hair rested beside her cheeks on either side. She wore a similar dark navy blue business dress like her boss, with the pink buttons in the center and the cuffs of the sleeves white. Moxxia’s face was red, and her eyes were big and yellow. White freckles dotted near her eyes and an orange-pink bow rested on top of her head between her horns. Her red and blue curved hooves were visible, as was her red pointed tail with a couple of black stripes on it.

 Finally, there was the other imp, Millard. Millard had a red face like his wife Moxxia, and also had big yellow eyes. His hair was short, black, and wild on top of his head. A white spot in his hair took the shape of a skull. His tall long horns were black with faint white stripes on them. The horns curved slightly past the back of his head. Unlike the other two, he wore torn black jeans and a black crop top shirt that exposed his red shoulders. His clawed feet and red tail were visible as well.

 “Well luckily for you,” Elektriza mentioned, referring back to the red demon desperate for revenge, “Thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”

 She grinned and wiggled her fingers.

 Fwoosh!

 A fast explosive sound was heard and a flaming portal appeared inside the candle circle. The impact sent the other two imps scurrying away. She walked over to the portal.

 “We can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!”

 She smiled and fell backwards into the portal.

 The next image showed a white figure with an angry expression, arms crossed. A thought bubble was above the head with a red x over another figure. A red monster fell next to the startled figure. The camera panned up and showed the three imps arriving in a red circle. Millard stood with a spear in his hands, Moxxia held a gun and Elektriza stood with both her arms out. Elektriza’s arms made the “M” in the I.M.P. logo.

 The commercial jingle began:

 “Who you want somebody gone

And you don’t wanna wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals”

  Moxxia threw a grenade out the window, Elektriza and Millard covering their ears and smiling as it exploded. A picture of a growling Moxxia hung on the wall.

 In an office room, Elektriza grinned manically as she hung a struggling human from the ceiling. Millard held a piece of paper and showed it to Moxxia, who was sitting on a chair. On the wall was a flat screen TV, a rocker poster, and a drawing of Madam Zmeya, the snake inventor.

 Elektriza shocked a bond and gagged victim, Millard used a mace on another victim, while a scowling Moxxia choked a third.

 “Whether grenade or cyanide

We’ll make it look like suicide

The Immediate Murder Professionals”

 “We do our job so well

Because we come straight up from Hell”

 The next clip showed Elektriza mentioning for her partners in crime to follow her through a flaming portal in the wall. Millard happily followed, along with Moxxia, who tripped on a book as she ran through. The three imps appeared through the floor and did poses after Moxxia quickly stood back up. They fell silent as humans in a church service stared at them in shock.

 “We’ll kill your husband our your wife

We’ll even let you keep the knife

The Immediate Murder Professionals

 Kids die for free!”

  Millard was shown greedily eying a pink pair of ladies underwear while stabbing a naked couple having sex in bed. Moxxia groaned and looked away. Elektriza found a pair of boxers and help them up for a closer look.

 Elektriza repeatedly stabbed another victim’s head in a chair at a circus in Hell. “The Elektriza Extravaganza” was shown in bold black letters on a sign.

 The imps killed more people, torturing people with Medieval stretching, chasing victims with a shark, roasting them with gasoline and fire, smothering them with pillows, dropping a piano on them, and electrocuting them.

 A little kid with white skin, brown curly hair, black pants and an orange shirt with a ringed planet on it was strolling along licking a pink ice cream cone.

 Bang!

 The kid fell to the ground after Moxxia shot her in the back. The imps looked at each other in shock, believing they had killed the wrong target. The kid was rushed to the worst hospital in the city, one where the doctors carelessly treated the kid and only cared about insurance money. The girl was rushed into the emergency room.

 “Doctor, she’s not responding,” said a pink haired male, rapidly shaking the girl’s still form.

 “Who ordered a stat?” asked a female with glasses. She gave the kid hard chest compressions. “It didn’t do anything!”

 The doctor came in. “Damn it! We’re not losing another one! Clear!”

 The kid received a shock to the heart and she gasped for air.

 “Holy shit that actually worked,” the blonde spectacled doctor muttered.

 The imps sat in the waiting room, just outside door 66. The doctor came out to see them.

 “She’s in stable condition, but she’ll need surgery. Now what kind of insurance do you freaks have?”

 “The fuck is insurance?!” asked Elektriza.

 The imps, kid and bed were promptly sent crashing through a window, glass flying everywhere. Everyone screamed as they fell. Thankfully, a flaming portal was underneath them, sending the group back into Hell.

  Moxxia and Millard later sang a murder love song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxia played on her purple guitar as Millard watched her with love in his eyes. It reminded them of the good times when they would shoot at demons together in the streets, when they dragged a bloody sack behind them and when Millard got a grenade as a present and used it to blow up a building.

 Moxxia began:

  “Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill

And my Millard goes in for the kill

He takes away my breath

He’s the angel of death, Millard

Oh Millard”

 “Everything is like a dream

When I hear his victims start to scream

When I go for the attack

He’s always got my back, on guard

Oh Millard”

 “When the blood starts dripping down the sides

And the bodies start to fall from the skies

My heart skips a beat

When my Millard’s guns a blazing in the night

He makes me feel alive in every fight

Through blood and tears, we’ll never be apart

He makes the murdering fun from the start”

  Both of them hummed before Moxxia finished,

  “Of all the imps in Hell…it’s for him that I fell…”

 Millard joined in at the same moment, “It’s for her that I fell…”

 “Oh Millard.”

 They leaned in for a kiss.

  They paused. Moxxia yelled, while looking out the window. Elektriza was pressed against the window with a video camera.

 “Are you fucking filming us right now?!” she yelled.

 Millard glanced over and sighed, as a smiling Elektriza held up a sign which read “Meeting in 2 hours: nice job banging yo’ wife!”

    Just before the meeting, Elektriza walked into the receptionist room.

 A white and grey male Hellhound was already there, Chandra the grumpy receptionist. He wore a grey-blue shirt with black strings making a downward Pentagram design at the top. His jeans were torn and black, his paws visible. He wore a spiked collar around his neck and rings on his pointed ears. His eyes were red with white irises and black pupils, eyes that seemed perpetually angry or bored.

 The rotary bone-shaped phone made barking sounds as it rang. The hound picked it up.

 “Hello, I.M.P.” he said in a gruff monotone.

 “Me and my wife got stabbed! Somebody help…”

 Chandra abruptly hung up and continued reading a Hellhound Monthly magazine in front of him. His breath smelled like meth and cigarette smoke. A hidden “to do” list in front of him read: “terrorize the werecats,” “go get a drink,” “hang out with cute Sobtiny at the hound rock concert.” He already imagined himself back in the comfort of his home, punching a punching bag with Moxxia’s face on it.

 Moxxia stomped over to the Hellhound’s desk, holding a “chub be gone” paper in her hand. “Did you just send me an ad for weight loss?”

 “No,” he replied.

 “Why would anyone send me this?”

 Chandra let out a small smile. “Come on. You know why.”

 Moxxia sighed, “You’re just awful!” before she wondered over to get water.

 “Hello Chandy!” Elektriza beamed at her adoptive son as she came over. “Did you enjoy my adoption anniversary present?”

 “I already fucking told you,” Chandra growled. “It was a bunch of spiders and not a cure for syphilis. So no.”

 “Aw don’t be such a liar,” Elektriza remarked in a playful tone. “Although I’m sorry that it happened, regardless.” Chandra growled out loud, clenching his claws.

 The phone rang again and Chandra answered it.

 “Elektriz!” he called. “That clingy rich asshole’s on the phone! Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you!” Then he muttered, “Sounds a little D T F y.” (Down to fuck).

 Moxxia walked back in, standing by Elektriza next to the water cooler.

 “Oh god that was one time!” Elektriza called, spilling water everywhere. “We wouldn’t be able to have access to the living world, if I didn’t sleep with that privileged asshole!”

 Moxxia paused, confused. “You what?”

 “And…I may have stolen her book after we fucked. Man it was heavy. Yeah, I then fell off a balcony and landed in the king owl’s cake. Then I was like, ‘Sorry I fucked your wife!’”

 “Elektriz!” Chandra bellowed.

 “I heard you already!” Elektriza shouted back.

 The head imp walked over to another desk and gulped down a cup of iced coffee. She took a breath and sighed in satisfaction. “Ah, this stuff never gets old! My horse Thumbtack agrees with me.”

 “Your horse doesn’t exist,” Moxxia remarked.

 “Don’t you be mean to our boss like that,” Millard piped up as he walked over to Moxxia.

 “Don’t tell me that you believe her?”

 “I just find it amusing that she changes her horse’s name every day!”

 “That’s more like it,” Elektriza responded. “You see, we need more of Millard’s good spirits in all of us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a certain someone to talk to before the meeting.”

 Elektriza left and opened the door to her office, the one where “Elektriza” was written with the “a” crossed out.

 Moxxia huffed. “Great, now I don’t have my avocado salad for lunch because someone decided to eat it.”

 She glared at Chandra who flipped her the bird. “I was hungover and hungry, alright?”

 “Why would you get drunk on a workday anyway?” asked Millard to Chandra.

 “Dumbass! I was hung over from this morning!” he replied.

 “At least I don’t go around kicking babies in strollers,” Moxxia scoffed.

 “Just admit it, everyone knows you’re a white-haired loser, Moxxia.”

 “So…” drawled Elektriza as she played with bobbleheads of Moxxia and Millard on her desk in her office. A circus poster hanging on the wall reminded Elektriza of the times when she performed with her two brothers, Tillo and Barb Wire. She was sitting in her chair holding her cell phone. “What can I do you for, Stola?”

 An owl princess lounged on a couch in her palace, holding an old rotary phone with wings on it. Her eyes were large and red, her round black hat had a gold crown on it. The hat also had red markings similar to her eyes. Long silky black hair fell past her shoulders, brushing her grey feathery wings. Her chest was fluffy and a silvery grey. A portrait shown a picture of the royal family: Stola, her husband and their son, Prince Octavius. A red robe with a fur collar was draped over her.

 The princess spoke in a British accent. “There’s a doctor that’s causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He’s trying to convince people that the Covid 19 Pandemic exists and to take extra precautions.”

 “Doesn’t it?”

 “Well, yes, but more people die when they’re being careless and nothing’s done about it. And though I hate being lonely…it’s getting overcrowded here. Frankly, the global warming issue seems easier to deal with.”

 “Okay well now that makes sense,” said Elektriza. A mug with “#1 boss” was on the desk.

 “You know what happens when I’m lonely or stressed, Trizzy?”

 “God fuckin damn it,” she muttered.

 The owl grinned, her eyes glowing red, she spoke a lot of curse words and terrible things. “When I’m lonely, I become hungry. And when I’m hungry, I want to choke on that big red…of yours…lick your…bite with more teeth…until you’re screaming…like a fucking baby!”

 A stunned Elektriza hung up from the “one night stand bird dick,” broke her phone in half, banged another phone on top of it, then mixed the pieces into a blender.

 “Here, eat this,” Elektriza said to Chandra who came in. The Hellhound guzzled it down.

 “And you know that bridge over the freeway?”

 “Yeah?” asked the hound.

 “Shit off it.”

 The imps currently resided in a tall office building that seemed to stand out among the other structures. Along with spikes jutting from the roof and sides, there were a pair of giant black and white imp horns attached to the sides of the building for decoration. The lights inside near the top floor were on.

 Posted on a door were the words “I.M.P. Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.

 On a white board was a bar graph and a line graph, the line graph pointing lower at a drawing of a raging horned demon. “Fix this shit!” was written in big bold letters that took up much of the board. “Elektriza is the best, by Elektriza” was scribbled off to the side. Several tall chairs with spikes jutting from the top boarders were set near a brown table in the center of the room. A white pentagram was drawn in the center of the table.

 Elektriza began to speak, pacing back and forth. She looked toward her audience of two imps and a hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.

 “All right, now I know business has been…a bit slow, lately.”

 She mentioned to the board at the downward sloping line. “In fact, there seems to be less people seeking out our services; 1,056 in comparison to the 1,066 from last month. We’ve basically spiraled from the True Blue Market to that of the Raging Bull.” She pointed at the roaring demon head drawing on the board.

 “Shouldn’t it be the Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.

 “Moxxia, nobody cares what you think,” Elektriza said, before continuing.

 “Any decrease could spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and yet look down on us.” Elektriza cleared her throat and spread out her hands. “Now, I’m not saying it’s, *cough* Moxxia’s or anyone’s fault…”

 Moxxia raised her eyebrows.

 Elektriza continued, “…but let’s discuss how we can improve. Now does anyone have any ideas on how to get business drumming up again?”

 Millard, raised his hand with a grin and shining eyes.

  “What…about…a car wash?!”

 “This is Hell, Milliard, no one cares about cars being clean here, okay?!”

 Just then, there came a coughing from the other room. A small cyclops demon with hot pink hair with a patch of yellow opened the door and walked in. He brushed off soot from his white shirt and waved at the group, who stared in surprise.

 “Hi, I’m Preppy! It’s nice to meet you all.”

 He darted around the room and began removing cobwebs from the windows. “It looks like there are two women, a man and a dog here, a nice balance.”

 Chandra, the grey hellhound glared at Preppy, narrowing his red eyes. “What was that, you little shit?”

 Preppy stopped in his tracks. “Now, did you guys need any cars to be washed?”

 Elektriza shook her head. “We don’t have any cars here, we’re broke as fuck.”

 Millard stared at Preppy and cupped his own cheeks with his hands. “Oh my Satan! He’s so adorable! Can we keep him?!”

 “No!” Moxxia and Chandra shouted at the same time. The two workers then glared at each other.

 Moxxia crossed her arms. “We’re in the middle of a meeting right now. Do you mind?!” She pointed to the door.

 Preppy laughed nervously, “Oh okay, sorry about that, hehhehheh. I’ll be outside if you need me!”

 He scurried out of the room.

 Elektriza paused for a moment, then said, “Oh right! Ideas for our company!” She waved her hands, eyes shining. “How about a billboard?!”

 Moxxia crossed her arms. “We can’t afford a billboard, mam’.”

 Elektriza rushed over and held Moxxia in a headlock. Her voice was rushed and sarcastic, “So helpful, Moxxia, I’m really glad you’re in the room right now.” She shoved Moxxia away.

 Elektriza stared in frustration. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?!”

 She picked up a remote and turned on an old fashioned TV.

 After static appeared on screen, the footage showed the group killing off individuals.

 Elektriza bashing a red demon’s head with a mullet.

 Moxxia shooting a blue person tied up to a chair.

 Chandra grabbing a red person in his mouth and shaking the person side to side like a wolf.

 Millard beheading a blue person with a spear and laughing.

  Elektriza watched with a relaxed smile on her face, holding up a blue bowl of popcorn. Chandra sat on the table, popping popcorn pieces into his mouth. Millard perched on the table, enjoying the show, but Moxxia stood off to the side with a grumpy face.

 Posters hung from the walls, one showing Elektriza and her two brothers, Tillo (an imp with short black hair) and Barb Wire (a smiling imp with ram-like horns.) It was a picture of them at a circus, the banner reading “The Amazing Imp Siblings!” Elektriza remembered the good times she had with them when they performed on stage. Barb Wire would balance on a tightrope, holding a pole with flames on either end. Tillo tamed and evaded manticores, dragons and other beasts that were released into the arena. Elektriza would sing songs about murdering people and they would all pose and bow at the end as the crowd cheered.

 That was before Elektriza moved on to form I.M.P., recruited Moxxia and Millard, and adopted Chandra.

 Elektriza moved a hand toward her chest and sighed with content. “Ah, those were good times.”

 Moxxia spoke up as Millard ate a piece of popcorn. “We don’t need any reminding, mam’, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week, one that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel, nobody watches!”

 Elektriza turned her head, insulted. “Hey, uh, excuse me?” She stood up. “What’s “obnoxious” about a super fun jingle, all right? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spitting bullshit.” She walked across the room.

 “People love musicals, mam’,” Millard added.

 Elektriza smiled. “Exactly, Millard, and we’re basically doing a musical.” Elektriza did jazz hands before pointing rapidly at Moxxia with a scowl.

 “Are you gonna crush my musical theater dreams like my mom did?” She lowered her head.

 “Mam’…” Moxxia began, but her boss cut her off.

 “Because right now, all I see is just my mom’s asshole talking to me, crushing my dreams of being, who I truly am inside.” She turned his head away.

 Millard leaned in toward his wife and spoke with a teasing tone. “Are you trying to crush her dreams, Moxxia?”

 “I…what?” she asked, looking at him. Millard leaned in close and stuck out his tongue, tail curling. “I thought I knew you.” Moxxia rolled her eyes; her husband loved to annoy her.

 Elektriza turned back to Moxxia, tears in her eyes. “I can’t believe you, Moxxia. And after I made you Employee of the Month.” She held a picture of Moxxia with her mouth open in a roar, snake tongue showing.

 Moxxia threw up her hands, “Okay, mam’ I’m sorry, but a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

 “I liked it!” Millard pipped up.

 Moxxia turned to him, finger shaking, “Do not…do not agree with her in front of me.”

  Chandra sat, bored, playing on his phone. Moxxia’s head appeared on the screen but was crushed by a weight and then blown up by a bomb. At one point her face was sliced in half as “boom!” flashed across the screen.

 Moxxia spoke, hands forward in front of her. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident with shooting the kid was Chandra’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It’s very simple.”

 “Oh sit on some boobs, Moxxia,” Chandra replied without looking up.

 Moxxia stuttered angrily, looking for a comeback. “You sit…sit on a…a…do your job!” She slammed her palm on the table.

 Elektriza scolded her. “Hey, now we don’t blame our screw-ups on Chandra, okay? He didn’t do anything wrong.” She hugged him and nuzzled her head against his cheek, the hellhound growling at her to get off.

 Moxxia stared in disbelief. “Are you kidding me, mam’? He’s awful!”

 “The point is, Chandra is a valued member of our family and we don’t get rid of families.”

 “We aren’t a family, mam’,” Moxxia pointed out. “You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat him like he’s some troubled teenager. He’s more like a meth-addicted homeless man you let run the phones.”

 Chandra flipped her the bird.

 “Now, that is offensive,” remarked Elektriza, walking to the window, pulling open the blinds. “Without homeless people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life.”

  Outside, a homeless imp with a broken horn and ragged grey clothing held up a sign that read “Monee helps. Satan Bless.” An imp man with black clothing and little bat wings blushed at Elektriza who waved and did a playful raise of eyebrows before closing the blinds.

 Moxxia crossed her arms. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding me and Millard outside of work?”

 “Come on, it’s not that big a deal,” Millard said.

 Moxxia’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me…what?! She was in our fucking fridge! She was spying on me while I was asleep. And worse, she fucking filmed me and you while we were singing and about to kiss!”

 Elektriza giggled. “I still have it on camera.”

 “It’s fine, honey,” Millard replied to Moxxia, patting her shoulder. “The “spoiler alert, butter’s spoiled!” was a funny use of wordplay Elektriza used.”

 “No way,” Moxxia countered. “I had a great dream about my parents being murdered and Elektriza interrupted it.”

 “I was just curious,” Elektriza responded.

 “Just…stop…doing that,” Moxxia growled.

 “I don’t see what the issue is,” said Elektriza with a mischievous grin. “Something you don’t want me seeing?”

 “No!” Moxxia spat.

 “Your shaggy flower blossoms?” Elektriza asked.

 Chandra giggled under his breath.

Moxxia was fed up. “Mam’, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!”

 Millard pulled her down gently. “Calm down, Mox, you’re gonna have another panic attack!”

 “I am calm!” she yelled.

 Millard rubbed her head and soothed her. “Shh, there, there.” Moxxia whimpered.

 Elektriza spoke again with a childish grin, making a hole with two fingers and tapping the opening with one finger. “Look, I don’t judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours, so don’t judge me.”

 Veins popped out of Moxxia’s yellow eyes. “Oh I do judge you, mam’. Quite a lot, actually.” She crossed her arms as Millard gasped in horror.

 “Mox, she’s our boss!”

 “No, it’s fine, Millard,” said Elektriza with a wave of her hand. “Your wife is just…how do I say this without being offensive…retarded.”

 “Does immaturingly insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single, life?”

 Elektriza leaned in toward Moxxia. “Yes it does, actually.”

 Chandra appeared to agree, because he added to Moxxia, “The only reason you have a husband is because you’re easy to manage.”

 “No she’s not, you turd!” Millard yelled, holding up two middle fingers.

 “Do not talk to my assistant that way!” Elektriza demanded. “He’s sensitive!”

 “Yes I am!” Chandra barked.

 Then a squeaky voice sounded from nearby: “You guys are all fucking assholes.”

 Everyone turned and stared at a girl wearing an orange shirt with a planet on it. She had curly brown hair, white skin and was connected to a monitor.

 Elektriza pointed at her. “Oh shut up, kid, you’re lucky to witness this.”

 Moxxia pinched her nose and sighed in frustration. “Ugh, this company’s such a mess!”

 “Did someone call me?” Preppy’s voice rang from the hallway. He opened the door a crack. “I can clean up any messes you may have!”

 “No!” Moxxia called. “Go away!”

 Preppy slowly closed the door.

 An awkward silence…

 “Alright, let’s get back to talking about my outfit!” Elektriza said out of nowhere.

 “Nobody was talking about that,” Chandra mentioned.

 “Which is why I’m trying to get that ball rolling, so how does it look? It’s good, right?”

 The kid ripped off the wires from her stomach.

 “It was hell pretending to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn’t kill me, but now? I want that. I want death. You!” she pointed to Elektriza. “You’re a selfish, greedy clown. And I’m a kid! We’re supposed to like clowns…even the creepy ones!”

 Moxxia scoffed. “Hey now, that’s not very…”

 The kid cut her off. “If I wanted to talk to a spineless jackass bitch, I’d rip out your spine and ask you some shit.”

 Moxxia shivered in fear.

 “That’s my wife you’re talking to!” Millard yelled.

 The kid snickered. “That’s your wife?! I figured you for a man whore, but I didn’t know you needed it that bad! Fucking with an old lady, ha!”

 Millard fumed at his wife being called ugly and weak. To think that he would have sex with anyone else at random…

 “And you!” The kid pointed at Chandra.

 “Yeah? What about me?” Chandra asked.

 The kid crossed her arms and smirked. “Nothing. I don’t talk to dogs. I’m a cat person.”

 Chandra whined before turning back to his phone.

 “Wow,” said Elektriza. “You know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.”

 “Oh you gotta admit, she’s good,” Moxxia muttered.

 A ding came from Chandra’s phone. He smiled. “Oh fuck guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess she was the right target after all.”

 “Who?” Elektriza asked.

 “Her.”

 “Me?” asked the kid.

 “Yep,” he confirmed.

 “They wanted us to kill an actual child?” Elektriza asked.

 “That’s what they’re saying,” Chandra said.

 Elektriza grinned and twirled a gun in her hand. Her job just got more fun and easier. “Well Christ on a stick, I guess there is a god!” She fired and shot the girl in the chest. She flopped down dead with a yell in a pool of blood, smoke and sparks lingering in the air.

 Elektriza spoke about I.M.P.: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like killing people. So from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fucking cares.”

 Elektriza, Moxxia and Millard kicked the dead kid on the floor, enjoying themselves. Blood coated the floor and walls. Chandra snapped a picture with his phone. After the imps left with the body, Preppy came in and gasped.

 “Well, time to clean this up. What a mess!” He hummed a happy tune as he mopped up the blood at rapid speed.

 Elektriza and Moxxia wore gas masks and green suits as Elektriza sawed off the girl’s arm and Moxxia sawed her chest, organs spilling out into a sack below. Millard tossed an arm into the sack and Chandra held it open. Moxxia dropped the girl’s severed head inside and shared a loving smile with her husband.

 Etched in red graffiti on a dumpster behind them were the words “Devil,” “Hell,” “Happy Hotel,” and “I’m always chasing rainbows.” A pentagram, and wide smiles were also doodled on the surface.

 Elektriza embraced the entire group in a forceful hug, knocking the phone from Chandra’s hands.

 “You know, even though this kid was a target, she’s still a child. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward, respectfully.” She wrapped her long tail around the group, all of them smiling genuinely. For despite all their problems, they were still a company family.

 Back in the human world, a crying blonde father wearing a pink shirt held up a paper saying “missing girl.” Below in large letters on the news was: “Dad sucks at drawing own kid!”

 The father spoke into the microphone, “Please, if anyone has seen my little Ellie…”

 He gasped as a sack dropped into his hands. He and the news reporter looked up to see a smiling Elektriza, Millard, and Moxxia through a portal up above.

 “You’re welcome!” Elektriza called with a wave before the portal closed.

 The father looked inside the bag and screamed. “My daughter! She’s dead! Noooooo!”

[tearlessrain]

time to subject myself to Dracula: The Dark Prince, aka another bad movie starring another dude from black sails. this time with 100% less horny on main because my only real motivation for watching it is it truly looks to be a whole new caliber of horrible and I have to see it.

witness my standards for incomprehensibly bad movies being raised prohibitively high in every way imaginable under the cut

I seriously doubt that.

this was made in 2013 by the way, not 1994 as the graphic design of that logo might suggest

oh good, once again we’re opening with an exposition narrator. except this time it’s a woman and she has less vocal inflection and emotional investment than an amazon echo.

I feel like she’s gonna tell me to turn left in 800ft

it feels like a dragon age epilogue, but just. worse.

WE ARE WATCHING A TRULY HIGH QUALITY MOVIE TONIGHT MY FRIENDS

I can’t even describe how bad this is, you really need the sound. that’s where the true lack of quality shines through. siri’s depressed sister is talking about pre-vampire dracula’s epic feats in battle to more weird sepia dioramas and the dying soldiers sound like they hired muppets to voice them

HOLY WIG BATMAN

also this dude is obnoxiously jovial considering he’s supposed to be dracula, even if this is pre-vampire

oh no dracula’s advisors, who all wear black hooded robes and scowl ominously, have betrayed him and killed his wife, how unexpected

someone drew these, looked at them, and thought “yeah that’s good enough to go in the final movie”

the characters are speaking both english and what I assume is... romanian or something? transylvanian? it’s not spanish or welsh I can tell you that much. anyway there are no subtitles and also no rhyme or reason to which they’re speaking at any given time so I hope I’m not missing anything important. probably not.

so like... they killed his wife, yes. and he went on a murderfest in what appears to be a church in revenge, makes sense. now a dude who... I think maybe he’s supposed to be a priest or something? but he wasn’t speaking english so I can’t be sure, then a voice over said “I have killed for god, the hand that fought for him will now be turned against him” but I’m unclear on who was speaking. this movie is an absolute clusterfuck and we aren’t even five minutes in yet. this is still the prologue.

now zombie alexa claims dracula was cursed with immortality “in punishment for his defiance” but I’m still not sure... what defiance. he killed the dudes who murdered his wife and that’s somehow not okay despite his apparent status as a war hero, a designation that implies a LOT of killing has already happened?

fucking finally, the title screen. usually a prologue clarifies what a movie is about but I went in thinking I knew and now have absolutely no idea what I’m watching.

a carriage drawn by friesians is rolling through a misty forest with wolf howling sound bites playing at random in the background to vaguely urgent music, now this is what I’m here to see.

nevermind the carriage is too slow so they’re leaving it because that’s a thing people do (?????)

“Lady Arwen, we cannot delay”

seriously though everyone’s mumbling so much I can’t understand them much better than when they were speaking whatever the other language was

BOOTLEG XENA RIDES AGAIN

but this time she’s accompanied by esme. we don’t know who esme is yet either.

there she goes

and now the knights are being attacked by hilarious squeaky goblin things? who I guess are led by this power rangers villain with, again, an unintentionally hilarious voice. it’s like a bad batman impression.

with every minute that passes I become less certain of what I’m actually watching.

they’re looking for the “light bringer” and telepathically overseen by the world’s most halfassed lestat dracula

they’ve also got some random prisoners in a cage wagon

okay the prisoners are being taken to dracula’s castle and I’m sorry for such an image-heavy post but I NEED you to understand the community theater level of set design/quality we’re dealing with here

“what is that?” cardboard and mod podge is my guess

so far the only thing esme has done is fall off her horse and be knocked unconscious, and now a Roving Band of Misogynists has appeared to harass Bootleg Xena 3.0 in the most generic way possible (the words “what ‘ave we got ‘ere” accompanied by a chorus of malicious cackling and some whistles have been spoken)

oooh no the ringleader of the Roving Misogynists has been given a name, and it’s ~Lucien~. I have a horrible feeling that I’m about to bear witness to the worst romantic subplot in the history of cinema.

oh for... I thought at least bootleg xena 3.0 would be a Strong Female Character and fight them off, but she just rapped lucien on the head with her sword and then they stole her very important box and left as obnoxiously as they came

OH NO SHE’S ASKING TO GO WITH THEM, SOMEHOW THAT’S HER PLAN I THINK I’M RIGHT SHE’S GONNA HOOK UP WITH LUCIEN AND IT’S GOING TO BE HORRIBLE.

“trust me” she says to esme, who, wisely, obviously does not.

I appreciate the timely thunderclap every single time the castle comes on screen

who the fuck are you, did you wander onto the wrong movie set

nope okay they’re not gonna explain that shot at all we’re just moving on to a shot of a weird angel shadow doing slow flamenco moves on the ceiling while ominously gurgling, and the prisoners being led into the throne room

“what’s happening to us?” I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE SAME THING, PRISONER #3

oh never mind that guy from before wasn’t a priest, he is remfield, chancellor of this kingdom, which means the last scene he was in makes even less sense

AKSLDGHJFGAKDLFJGHKAJGHFDKLFDS;GJokay so. remfield introduced himself then said “I will see that your needs are tended to.” then dracula in his new white contacts gets up from his shadowy throne, circumnavigates the cluster of prisoners, sniffs them dramatically, and walks back to his throne. remfield then says, “come, I will see that your needs are tended to” because proofreading is for COWARDS

now remfield is... literally giving the prisoners a tour of the castle and going on the “oh you’re our guests and many pleasures and adventures await you” speech and somehow the prisoners are accepting this despite the fact that they were just carted in on a barred wagon in shackles and got sniffed by a bad alucard cosplayer. they have a fucking harpist.

seriously, who the fuck are you

she’s just been twirling around in the background of this entire scene for no discernible reason no matter what rooms they go into

what the hell am I watching

yeah they’re just going for that incredibly suspicious food and also seem weirdly okay with the ambient clusters of scantily clad lesbians no one will explain okay they deserve whatever happens to them

WHOA TITS apparently this movie is a different rating than I thought

remfield: the newcomers have settled in

dracula: I  d o n ‘ t  l i k e  s t r a n g e r s

then why pray tell have you brought them directly into your home in chains. I cannot stress enough how avoidable this situation was for you my dude

“just think sire, once the light bringer is in your possession no one need die again” “except those who defy me” [ominous chime as the angel shadow on the ceiling continues its sensuous flamenco dance]

meanwhile in the misty blue filter forest of eternal night, some guy in a tricorn finds a gold amulet that I think bootleg xena 3.0 dropped, and the power ranger villain rides menacingly in a random direction for a few seconds

I’m still waiting on whether this masterful display of cinematic calvinball has any cohesive story to it.

ah joy and we’re back to The Non-Adventures of Xena 3.0, Esme, and the Roving Misogynists

as an aside, I’m not calling her that just to be dumb, I’m calling her that because they still haven’t given her a name even though her sidekick got one in the first five minutes

they’ve opened the box and revealed... the light bringer, which is a wooden staff. because it is not shiny gold, the roving misogynists regard it with confounded disgrunglement and scoff at xena 3.0′s insistence that it can defeat dracula

these guys sound like what an eleven year old thinks gangs of ne’er-do-wells sound like. like cartoon weasels, if the weasels were also mediocre pirates who have heard of women, conceptually, but never seen one. like goblins in a pre-written D&D campaign run by a slightly overwhelmed first time DM.

HUR DUR WALKING STICK NOT TREASURE, WOMAN DUMB

it’s what cain used to slay abel, apparently. given that zombie alexa mentioned that dracula is the descendent of abel, this leaves us with the terrifying implication that someone did put at least some vestige of effort into writing this movie.

oh good she’s finally gonna fight lucien

no she failed again. please someone just punch the shit out of lucien so he’ll stop.

NO WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT STOP IT GOD HAVE SOME STANDARDS WOMAN. STOP PLAYING FLOATY ROMANTIC MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND THEY ARE LITERALLY STILL STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENTIRE BAND OF ROVING MISOGYNISTS

I thought it might at least be a trick but no she is actually, genuinely starstruck over this profoundly mediocre olde-timey frat boy who called her “sweetheart” while she was trying to explain to him why the ancient dracula-defeating relic was important.

this guy.

we did it boys, we found a worse love story than twilight

also I just. I wish I could convey with words the way the roving misogynists react to every single thing lucien and sometimes xena 3.0 says like the world’s worst greek chorus in a literally neverending stream

lucien (post makeout and xena 3.0 explaining again that the relic is ancient and powerful and they’ve searched for ages to find it): well we may not be knights but we can respect that

[cacophony of rowdy but understated agreement]

lucien: what do you think boys, should we give it back?

[assorted grumbles of assent]

xena 3.0: hm, a thief with a conscience

[gruff mercenary-esque chuckling]

lucien: maybe even a heart

[chorus of “ooooooOOOooh”s and some whistles]

it just goes on like that in every scene they happen to be physically adjacent to, they never shut up but also never actually contribute or say anything meaningful

ah, the mysterious leonardo has appeared. I think he was the one they were trying to take the light bringer to so that’s handy

“what is happening here? what is this flirtation?? is this the people to share your sacred secrets with???” - leonardo, the only remotely rational person in the entire movie

oh he is schooling these idiots, finally someone with sense. it’s bouncing right off of lucien, but at least he’s saying it.

“the scourge” - leonardo

“scourge!” “scourge!?” “scourge?” “hrgghhg??” “hrrm...” - the roving misogynists

power ranger villain and his squeaking goblins vs leonardo, the most useless female leads of all time, and the roving misogynists. who will win.

not the people watching this movie, I can tell you that much.

oh no, the lightbringer isn’t working. this will do nothing to convince the roving misogynists that it isn’t a walking stick

oop, wilhelm scream

oh no lucien has picked up the light bringer

goddamn it he’s the chosen one isn’t he

yep he activated the stick and now we all have to suffer

oh xena 3.0′s coming for power ranger villain maybe she’ll actually do something

nope she bounced off him and now he’s grabbed her and hauled her onto his horse

“you’re coming with me” he says in his weird batman voice, to make sure the audience can tell that he is in fact taking her with him

and esme has yelled “no” to make sure we remember that she’s in the movie

wait what the. did lucien just yell “xena” is that her actual name what the fuck. what the fuck. I had to have misheard that. okay I can’t tell what he’s saying for sure but someone’s bound to say her name again at some point in the movie so I’ll revisit that.

and on that note, I think I’ll end here, because there ended up being a LOT more to unpack in this movie than I expected, it’s after midnight, and I’m tired.

tomorrow, we follow lucien as he presumably goes to save some lady he wildly disrespected and then made out with one time whose name may or may not actually be xena, and hopefully figure out what the hell is even going on with dracula, remfield, and their castle full of artfully strewn half naked harpist lesbians and dancing ceiling shadows. because right now I really don’t have time to unpack all that, and I have a feeling it will only get worse.

[cssns]

End of the Event Roundup!!!!

It’s HERE!!! 

*Insert Grumpy ringing the bell screaming “IT’S HEEEEEEEEEERE!” as the Evil Queen’s curse rolls over the Enchanted Forest in the pilot* (How can this not be a gif somewhere?)

We have had an INCREDIBLE summer full of fics and art that are truly out of this world! I don’t know about you, but having all these supernatural offerings has totally made my summer! We’ve had vampires, werewolves, elves, witches, selkies, mummies, angels, hunters, ghosts, shape shifters, demons... AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Such amazing offerings! Thank you to all of our amazing authors and artists for all your hard work on your fics and art! As we are now at the end of the event, it’s time to have a masterpost of all the fics and all the art that has dropped this summer. Fic art will be linked with their respective fics, with original art at the end of the post. Thank you to all of you readers for reading, liking, commenting, and reblogging! If there’s any that you missed, you should be able to find them here, listed in order of their drop date. So without further ado... Under the cut unless Tumblr ate it...

Slayer by @kymbersmith-90 Rated E WIP with artwork by @hollyethecurious

Into every generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer. ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5 ch6 ch7 ch8 ch9 ch10

Varcolac: A Hybrid Tale by @hollyethecurious Rated M COMPLETE with artwork 1 2 3 by @flipperbrain and extra artwork by @wingedlioness and extra artwork by @artistic-writer

While heading home to prepare for the coming evening, Killian Jones happens upon a woman broken down on the side of the road. A woman who shifts the entire foundations of his being with just her scent. Killian Jones is a werewolf you see, and the unsuspecting lass has landed herself deep in werewolf country on the cusp of the first night of the full moon. Knowing he must get her on her way for her own safety, Killian offers to fix her vehicle, but things go awry in town when another wolf attempts to stake a claim on the stunning stranger. Now Killian must do all he can to protect the woman, Emma Swan, from a vengeful pack, all while keeping his true nature a secret from her. Turns out, Killian Jones is no ordinary werewolf. Pt1 Pt2 Pt3 Pt4 Pt5

Wild Within by @teamhook Unrated COMPLETE with accompanying artwork by herself and artwork by @huffleporg

Can a cursed bite lead a man to find his one true love? An unexpected happy ending or a new beginning? One shot.

Of Earth and Sea by @searchingwardrobes Rated T COMPLETE with artwork by @shipsxahoy and extra artwork by @cocohook38

Five years after their wedding, Emma and Killian are ready to start a family. But Emma discovers that raising a family isn't that simple when your husband is a Dunedin (half-elf) and your mother-in-law is neither dead nor alive. Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5 ch6 ch7 ch8 ch9

Rules and Regulations by @emmaswanchoosesyou Rated T WIP with artwork 1 2 by @eastwesthomeisbest

Killian is a disgruntled vampire who just wants to drink his coconut water (sometimes with a little rum—okay, a lot of rum). He’s found his revenge, he gets a spot of violence now and then, but what’s he to do with eternity? Sounds dreadfully boring.

Not if Emma has anything to do with it. She’s exasperated. She’s just a witch doing her best to maintain peace between different factions in the magical world after one of its de facto leaders bites the dust. Or gets bitten and turns to dust, whatever.

Killian Jones may have killed Rumpelstiltskin, but that also means he has to take a place on the council.

Naturally, they have to do a fair amount of collaborating, and it’s absolute bollocks. They hate each other. Even if Killian does privately think Emma has the most lovely golden locks, and Emma will never admit to how easy it is to get lost in those blue eyes (or red, if he goes all fangy). Ch1

The Sins of Our Fathers by @justbecauseyoubelievesomething Rated T WIP with artwork by @seastarved

Emma Swan was dedicated to the gods at birth. For years she has worked as one of the personal messengers of Zeus himself; one who is dedicated to carrying out justice for humanity. When the cry for justice comes from the murder of her own human parents, Emma finds herself caught between her duty to the gods and her humanity. Matters are only complicated by her instant connection with Detective Killian Jones. Together, can they bring the murderer to justice, or will Emma lose the favor of the gods altogether? Ch1 ch2 ch3

The Prickly Witch’s Guide to Magic by @shireness-says Rated T COMPLETE with artwork by @allons-y-to-hogwarts-713

Emma Swan tries to keep the witch thing on the down-low. But when a handsome stranger discovers her secret and begs her to teach him magic, Emma finds herself using her powers for good to try and save his brother. One shot

Men, Women, and All the Angels by @the-corsair-and-her-quill Rated M WIP with artwork by @drowned-dreamer

Emma Swan was an Angel, fallen from her grace and living a life of puffy vests, flannels and monsters. Killian Jones was a member of the British Men of Letters, but is just a disgraced British expat, with an endless supply of rum and shotguns. What happens when the angel and the hunter have to face the threat posed by the Men of Letters? Ch1 ch2 ch3

It’s Amore by @resident-of-storybrooke Rated M WIP with artwork by @hollyethecurious

Killian Jones has tried to live by a code, a heavy believer in good form, but it’s hard to be a “good guy” when you’re not really a guy at all. In attempt to make his eternal presence on Earth a better one Killian uses his supernatural gifts to solve crimes. After centuries of keeping one foot in the mortal world one woman makes him want to take that final leap. Can Emma help Killian feel alive? Or is his blood lust too much? Ch1 ch2

A Pinch of Magic, A Twist of Fate, and A Full Moon by @everlastingcaptainswan Rated M WIP with artwork by @shady-swan-jones

It has long been told that Emma would be the Savior to save the witches from Rumplestiltskin, the infamous witch hunter. In an unsuspected attack Rumplestiltskin catches Emma off guard and an unknown ally saves her from a certain death and suddenly she feels obligated to do the same for the stranger. Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4

Alii Dimidium Lunam by @artistic-writer Rated E WIP with artwork 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 NSFW version 11 12 by @cocohook38 @flipperbrain 1 and @artistic-writer 1 2

Mongrel Killian Jones, packless and alone, finds Emma by chance in a bar, but she neglects to mention she is running away from her pack responsibilities...responsibilities that her strict father and alpha, David Nolan, expects of his only child and heir to the Misthaven pack. None of which include falling in love with a mongrel. Loosely based Lady and the Tramp AU. Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5 ch6 ch7 ch8 ch9 ch10 ch11

Just, Human by @donteattheappleshook Rated T COMPLETE with accompanying artwork done by herself

After her death, Emma wakes up in her home, unable to be seen or heard by anyone. She resigns herself to this lifeless existence until one day, two men move into the house she haunts - and somehow, they can see her. A ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf living under one roof, what could possibly go wrong? A Being Human AU Oneshot

You’re In My Blood by @hookedonapirate Rated E WIP with artwork 1 2 3 4 5 by @rouhn

After a string of murders leads Sheriff Killian Jones to Enchanted, a vampire club located in the outskirts of Storybrooke, for information, a blonde vampire princess and owner of the club is unwilling to comply without some favors of her own. Pt1 pt2 pt3 pt4 pt5 pt6

Tactical Magic by @winterbythesea Rated T WIP with artwork by @wingedlioness

Emma Swan is a witch, still new to the job and determined to stop Zelena after almost falling victim to her machinations. When she summons a spirit to help her, she gets Killian Jones, demon of vengeance, who has grown extremely weary of helping people with their petty revenge schemes. Neither of them is best-pleased with this turn of events.

Emma is out for more than revenge. But maybe, Killian has more to offer. And together, they might just be able to make it work. Ch1

Living In a Lunar Spell by @sherlockianwhovian Rated T COMPLETE with artwork by @allons-y-to-hogwarts-713

Emma Swan relocated to Maine to be closer to her son. She never expected to end up as the mate of a werewolf. Oneshot

The Man of Misthaven by @branlovesouat Rated T COMPLETE with artwork by @hollyethecurious

Storybrooke Maine is preparing for their annual Fourth of July parade when they stumble upon a 300 year old body buried in Misthaven Bog, just beyond the town line. This is the first bog body discovered in the Northern US, and could put the town on the map… if only it hadn’t gone missing. Deputy Emma Swan should be focusing on the search, but she’s been a little distracted by the dark haired, blue-eyed man with amnesia she rescued the day before. Just who is this man she feels such a strong attraction to, and does he have any connection to the missing body? Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4

Afloat on Shipless Oceans by @whumped-natascha-remi-ronin Rated T WIP with artwork coming later by @huffleporg 

Killian Jones has always been able to see them. The dead. He’s resigned himself to a life of always touching the other side through his own losses: his parents, his brother, his lover. So, when an opportunity to move an ocean away from his own grief presents itself, he takes it, and finds himself drawn to the ghost who haunts his home.

What is his connection to the spirit realm, to the spirit of the woman who needs his help? And what secrets is are they both hiding from him? Ch1

Seal of Fate by @distant-rose Rated T COMPLETE with accompanying artwork 1 2 by herself and artwork by @drowned-dreamer

Emma Swan is looking for only one thing - answers. Abandoned outside a police station in Menemsha, Martha’s Vineyard, Emma has dedicated her life to finding out where she comes from and why she was given away. She finds an unlikely partner in Killian, a selkie she inadvertently summons in a fit of frustration over her cold case. Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5 ch6 ch7 ch8

The Darkest Night by @flipperbrain Rated M COMPLETE for now with accompanying artwork by herself

Killian is left for dead in an alley and things get fangy. Ch1 ch2

The Curse of the Black Roger by @snidgetsafan Rated T WIP with artwork by @slow-smiles

“You should start believing in ghost stories, Miss Swan – because you’re in one.” When young Princess Emma found a pirate necklace on the baby rescued from the sea, she never expected years later to be swept into an adventure worthy of her favorite novels. And she certainly never expected someone like the legendary Captain Hook.

A “Pirates of the Carribean” AU Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5 ch6 ch7

The Tale of the Twice-Cursed Pirate by @thejollyroger-writer Rated T COMPLETE with artwork 1 2 3 4 5  by @eastwesthomeisbest

Killian Jones has just watched his brother die in his arms, and he leads the rebellion against the current king - but though he is killed, he finds himself not actually dead. Now he is twice-cursed, and he needs something to live for; will he find it in the blonde damsel that he needs to rescue from the tower? And how will the secrets the world kept from her change both of their worlds for eternity? Pt1 pt2 pt3

Lost Souls and Reveries by @seriouslyhooked Rated M WIP with artwork by @shipsxahoy 

Killian Jones is a wolf shifter without roots, without plans, and without a pack. He’s a rogue, someone humans should avoid and shifters should be wary of given his lineage. But one night years back set him on a path he didn’t realize he was taking, a path leading to the future he was destined for. That future is tied up in one woman – a human named Emma Nolan. Together Emma and Killian will find not only answers but a love that’s truly fated. But will love be enough to set both of them free, or will past demons win out in the end? Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5

Close Encounters of the Spiritual Kind by @doodlelolly0910 Rated M WIP with artwork by @courtorderedcake

Emma Nolan spent a lot of time alone, and that was fine by her. Because one is never truly alone. She should know. She can talk to dead people. What she didn't expect was one of these spiritual encounters to hang around, taking her down a rabbit hole of missing women, revenge, and, least expected, love. Can she save the day and Killian Jones? Is there even another choice? Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5 ch6 ch7 ch8

Limbo pt1 pt2 with accompanying artwork 1 2  Rated M WIP and an unnamed Legend of the Sun and Moon with accompanying artwork 1 2  Unrated COMPLETE both by @courtorderedcake 

Will Scarlet is dead, stuck in a plane of existence where all redeemable souls with unfinished business end up. Each soul is assigned a Guardian: A guide to help them navigate The Realm of the Living and to avoid pitfalls there. To Will’s great displeasure he is assigned the mirthless Emma Swan, who’s indifference to his pain infuriates him - until he finds that she harbors her own. Killian is a moon good who is forever linked in unity with the sun goddess Emma. In the traditional legend, Mawu [a Maori princess] finds her lover wounded and dying. She begs the Gods of the Sky for help, and is promised eternal life, both of them chasing each other for eternity. The lovers bear many children, all the stars we see at night. It is also believed that lunar and solar eclipses are related to the lovemaking times of the celestial couple. This myth is clearly about the power of the moon, the sun, the sky and love and desire.

What the Storm Blew In by @delightfully-difficult-pirate Rated T WIP with artwork by @shady-swan-jones

50 years ago, Regina Mills founded the town of Storybrooke to be a sanctuary for supernatural creatures. Witches, trolls, and all manner of creatures that go bump in the night live in semi-harmony, all under the watchful eye of werewolf Emma Swan. Until a mysterious ship sails into port in the middle of a blizzard and Emma has to deal with the sexy Captain and unexpected consequences that came with it. Ch1

No Such Thing As Evil Love by @youre-not-a-cat-youre-a-rat Rated E WIP with artwork by @huffleporg

Killian’s a witch. Which (ha!) means his life is complicated enough without his ex rolling back into town. Especially since his ex is a demon.

Emma figures Killian can never forgive her for their disastrous relationship. But with her former boss, the literal Source of All Evil, out to destroy him and his brother, she’s not about to stand by and let it happen when she can help.

Not when the man she loves is in danger. Ch1

Of Blood and Betrayal by @nerdyhuntress Rated M WIP with artwork coming later by @huffleporg 

She's a vampire hunter making a buck. He's a supernatural creature who's been alone for centuries. Together, they make quite a duo bent on taking down an evil corporation. Ch1 ch2 ch3

Something to Live For by @rouhn Rated G COMPLETE with artwork 1 2 by @eastwesthomeisbest and artwork by @hookedonapirate

Set in an alternative universe, many years in the future, where people are more like numbers than human beings - they have to function, do their job properly, give back credit to society, and if they are wealthy enough - live their life to the fullest.

Some people get lost in the system, they are found in an empty alley one day or in their apartments, in their cars or somewhere else - dead. Sometimes there is a suicidal note saying that it was too much, that they couldn’t go on like that, sometimes there is none. But they all have one thing in common: they were alone, they had nothing left to live for.

But there is one person who tries to help people: the Saviour.

Will she be able to help another lost soul to find something to live for? Oneshot

Summoning Love by @bleebug Rated M COMPLETE with accompanying artwork for ch2 NSFW version and ch3  by herself

Emma Swan, disaster witch, accidentally summons a demon straight from hell. Luckily for her and unfortunately for him, the little spell comes with an interesting provision. (Story written for CSSNS in three parts, all glimpses into the AU rather than complete chapters.) Ch1 ch2 ch3

Over Land and Under Sea by @drowned-dreamer Rated M WIP with accompanying artwork by herself

Finding herself in trouble, Emma is surprised to find the handsome man who wears a seal skin and claims to have magic may not be as crazy as he seems. But it's going to take more than just magic to keep these two together when a deadly danger from the past comes back to haunt them. Ch1

The One You Feed by @stubble-sandwich Rated T WIP with artwork by @spartanguard

Emma Swan is an underpaid, overworked waitress at a small-town Denny’s. Once a month, a curious customer pays her a visit. In fact, he’s so strange, he’s warranted a special nickname from her friend Ruby–Cute Creepy Guy. He always orders a mountain of cheap breakfast food and eats it like it’s his last night on earth. Oh yeah, and apparently he’s a werewolf. Ch1

Demonology 101 by @technicallysizzlingcloud Rated T WIP with artwork by @spartanguard

Inspired by this Demon AU:

Person A, sitting in study hall, bored as hell, starts doodling in their new notebook. It isn’t until they draw their sixth pentagram that they remember those things summon demons.

Luckily enough, the demon is really understanding of the mistake! And lonely! And clingy! Ch1

Something In the Water by @spartanguard Rated M WIP with accompanying artwork 1 2 3 by herself

Emma is sent to investigate a supposed sea monster appearance in her hometown. Thankfully, her family there knows her secret: that at night, she transforms into a swan. And she knows that whoever the universe thinks her soulmate is, as dictated by the tattoo on her side, won't be there. Though maybe she was wrong to assume that. And when did a merman start hanging out in the ocean near Storybrooke? Ch1 ch2 ch3

Love (And Other Monsters) by @captainstudmuffin Rated M WIP with artwork by @winterbythesea

Emma Swan never believed in fate, just people who made their choices and shaped their own destinies. At least until a mysterious, self-proclaimed blacksmith promptly stormed into her life and proceeded to challenge everything she's ever known about kismet, love, and the tattoo on her ribs marking her as someone's soulmate. Ch1

Look for Me (By Moonlight) by @wordsmith-storyweaver Rated M WIP with artwork coming later by @cocohook38 and @artistic-writer

Emma Nolan's family has been in the same business for literally hundreds of years--operating an Inn in the Colonial Village tourist area of Viola Island, New Jersey. And her Mom takes historical accuracy and their heritage pretty seriously, including sharing the local ghost stories and the legend behind the hauntings. Enter one Dr. Killian Jones: one of the world's most famous Skeptics of all things supernatural and mythbuster extraordinaire. Convinced that anyone who runs a "haunted" business must be a fraud or in need of some serious therapy, he's never seen or experienced anything that could shake his belief that ghosts don't exist. However, there's certainly something strange happening on Viola Island... Something that's happened more than once before. Because everything around him suddenly looks very familiar in ways that he can't explain. And while seeing Emma in period costume isn't exactly weird, she definitely shouldn't be dreaming about the "good" doctor rocking a ponytail and tricorn. And she's fairly certain he doesn't really have a hook for a hand... Ch1

Tasting Forever by @snowbellewells Rated T COMPLETE with artwork 1 2 3 by @wingedlioness

A “Moonlight”-themed AU with CaptainSwan in the two main character roles, written for the CS Supernatural Summer event over on Tumblr No matter how powerful, immortal or no, there comes a moment when even a vampire may face his end...but not if the plucky human whose life has always been intwined with his has anything to say about it! Oneshot

Bad Moon Rising by @initiala Rated E WIP with artwork by @distant-rose

Emma's sure she's never been happier. But the past she thought she'd left behind starts to rear its ugly head, taking down the Boston packs one by one, and a desperate visitor in the night reminds her of the legacy she thought she'd escaped for good. Afraid of what her parents left behind and fearful for the future she and Killian are creating together, a bad moon is on the rise. Ch1 ch2 ch3

Holding On To Pieces of Us by @ilovemesomekillianjones Rated M WIP with artwork 1 2 3 4 5 by @spartanguard

One year after the disappearance of the love of her life, Emma Swan is struggling. She’s losing hope, consciousness, and she might be losing her mind. After receiving life altering news, Emma will be faced with more than one difficult decision. Her choices seem bleak, until a new choice is offered, one she couldn’t have fathomed even in the crazy hallucinations she’s been having. Will she embark on a future that’s different than the one that was ripped from her just one short year ago? Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5

In the Dark I Hide by @sherlockianwhovian Rated T COMPLETE with artwork by @allons-y-to-hogwarts-713 and extra artwork by @cocohook38

Killian Jones hates being a vampire and has spent centuries living alone after being left behind by his makers. His present and his future are changed entirely when he meets Sheriff Emma Swan. Ch1 ch2 ch3

The Change That Makes the Music by @branlovesouat Rated M COMPLETE with accompanying artwork by herself and extra artwork by @wingedlioness

It’s 1998 and Emma Swan is living on borrowed time. Having never met the supernatural being who fathered her, she lives in limbo, waiting for her powers to manifest. To try and prepare for her future, she searches out her father. After nearly giving up, a chance encounter with a mysterious stranger renews her hope. Can this attractive man named Killian help her find what she seeks? Oneshot

The Inbetween by @jarienn972 Rated T WIP with artwork 1 2 3 4 by @allons-y-to-hogwarts-713

Emma is tasked with locating 3 teenagers who didn't come home after spending an evening trying to be amateur ghost hunters in the abandoned Sorcerer's Mansion. In a house they already knew was full of surprises, Emma and Killian find that the teens might not be the only ones present. Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5

Divine Intervention by @kymbersmith-90 Rated E WIP with artwork coming soon by @hollyethecurious

Brothers Liam and Killian Jones are on the hunt for their father, Brennan Jones, who has gone missing in his hunt for the supernatural creature that killed their mother. But along the way, the brothers discover that the supernatural world is much bigger than they could ever have imagined.

And someone else has big plans for one of them. Ch1

Chills and Thrills coming soon from @captainstudmuffin with artwork by @captainswanouat  

A ‘rival ghost hunter shows forced to work together for a joint TV special’ CS AU

The Man Behind Glass by @shireness-says Rated T COMPLETE with artwork by @allons-y-to-hogwarts-713

When Emma Swan moved to Storybrooke, Maine, she never imagined she’d end up living out a real-life ghost story. But then again, does anyone really expect to find a cursed mirror, or the 300-year-old pirate trapped inside? Oneshot

Cross My Heart by @blessed-but-distressed Rated M WIP with artwork 1 2 by @distant-rose

All Sheriff Emma Swan wanted was a bit of the quiet life. Why else would she take a job in Storybrooke, Maine, where deer outnumber people? But when a local woman turns up murdered, Emma quickly realizes she may be out of her depth. Enter Killian Jones, 17th century buccaneer turned vampire, who might just have the kind of unique perspective on the crime she is looking for. It’s a shaky Alliance, but when Emma’s past comes back to bite her, she might just discover how handy having a vampire around can be. Ch1 ch2

Thrown to the Wolves by @coaldustcanary Rated M WIP with artwork coming soon by @hollyethecurious

Werewolves are pack creatures, but Emma "Swan" Blanchard has always preferred to work alone. When a missing wolf and a dead body smell like imminent trouble for the werewolves of Portland, she returns home to the city to track down whoever's responsible. She soon discovers that she's not the only one trying to figure out what's going on in her old stomping grounds, and also finds herself stuck with a partner - the infamous Killian "Hook" Jones - in more ways than one. Ch1

Glow by @mahstatins Rated M WIP with artwork by @seastarved

Emma Swan always gets her man, and she's not about to let a little thing like death get in the way.(A 'Just Like Heaven' AU). Ch1

In Search of the Sea Wolf by @gingerchangeling Rated M WIP with artwork coming soon by @huffleporg

Emma Swan, the woman that fate had decided to leave behind. Emma Swan, the woman who lives only for her son. Emma Swan, the unwilling golden child of Golden Enterprises. When she is tasked by her employer, Robert Gold, with the assignment that could "make or break the fate of all those within this company," Emma Swan could hardly believe that a rural town on an island off the coast of western Canada is what held key to that fate. Going undercover in the town, with her son in tow, can she complete her assignment? Or is there something even greater at stake? It all falls to her, Emma Swan, the woman that fate has thrown to the wolves. The Sea Wolves. Ch1 ch2

Run to Me (In the Dead of Night) by @snowbellewells Rated T WIP with artwork 1 2 by @wingedlioness

Emma Swan really just wanted to keep her newfound son safe, get to know her parents at last, and be a good deputy to the rest of the town of Storybrooke. She certainly didn't count on chaos breaking loose with the return of magic and restored memories, learning that werewolves are real, or dealing with a handsome loner she can't seem to resist...no matter how much she wants to. AS it turns out though, she may need him - secrets and all - to survive and triumph over their combined enemies. Ch1 ch2 ch3

Crave by @wordsmith-storyweaver Rated E WIP with artwork coming soon by @cocohook38

Killian Jones, enforcer for the Paranatural community, kills the creatures that go bump in the night. On a mission but without real purpose in his re-life, he's faced with a difficult decision that will have consequences for all eternity... If he lives that long. Ch1

My Fate Is Darkness by @teamhook Rated T WIP with accompanying artwork by herself

Is there light in darkness? Throughout the realms, there are all sorts of supernatural creatures roaming the lands. And there are those who are tasked with protecting the innocent. Fated to be enemies, can true love find its way through time? Ch1

Lieutenant Jones Diary by @wingedlioness Rated E COMPLETE with accompanying artwork by herself

Princess Emma has an urgent mission to Neverland. Thankfully her family's flagship is made of enchanted wood, and as the fastest vessel in all the realms, she should be back in no time. However, upon discovering a journal belonging to one Lt. K Jones hidden in the Captain's Quarters, it also turns out to be haunted by the very annoying and opinionated ghost of Captain Hook. Maybe this quest won't turn out as straight-forward as she hoped... Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5 ch6 ch7 ch8 ch9 ch10 ch11 ch12 ch13 ch14 ch15

Dark of the Moon by @totheendoftheworldortime Rated E WIP with artwork by @shipsxahoy

There is a peace, of sorts. Vampires, Werewolves, Fae and witches have—for the moment—found a way to co-exist. Little do they know that one seeks the power to overturn everything—all in the hope of saving his son.

Five years ago, Killian Jones was dragged into a world he doesn’t understand and would do almost anything to escape. He’s cursed, or so he believes. He turned his back on everything and everyone he loves to hunt down the thing who made him into what he is. Now in Edinburgh, he’s no closer to his goal. But still, he searches.

A murder investigation introduces him to Emma Swan, blonde, beautiful, smart as hell—and a vampire. Mutually mistrustful, they must find a way to work together—not only to solve the murder, but to find out the truth about themselves. They can help one another, but should they? And can they control their feelings? Or will their pasts be too much to overcome?

Is revenge stronger than love? Ch1 ch2

Carry On, Wayward Sons by @stubble-sandwich Rated T WIP with artwork 1 2 3 4 5 by @spartanguard 

As the only large animal veterinarian in a small farm town in Maine, David Nolan has enough on his plate. Business is booming, his wife is getting ready to start a new school year, and his daughter and grandson are about to visit for the weekend. So naturally, the last thing he needs is to find a pair of strange brothers in his barn, one of which has been mauled within an inch of death by a mountain lion. The other seems all too happy to keep his gun trained on David’s chest. Only, it wasn’t a mountain lion that did the mauling. In fact, it was so not a mountain lion that the Nolans are suddenly confronted with a dangerous part of their pasts they’ve worked hard to leave behind. Ch1

The Fate of the Medjai by @winterbaby89 Rated M WIP with artwork by @abeylin1982

Librarian Emma Nolan joins forces with Ex-Military man Killian Jones on the adventure of their lifetime as they venture out into the deserts of Egypt in search of ancient secrets. They encounter an unforeseen evil determined to resurrect his lost love and rule his new world. Based on the 1999 Brendan Fraser movie The Mummy. Ch1

Fake the Mate by @lenfaz Rated M WIP with artwork 1 2 by @distant-rose

In a desperate attempt to have her pack out of her back regarding her unmated status, Emma Swan found the most unexpected ally in Killian Jones, beta from the rival pack. Fake Dating Werewolves AU. Ch1

Speak of the Devil by @emma-swan Rated T COMPLETE for now with artwork by @slow-smiles and extra artwork by @cocohook38

They say life flashes before your eyes before you die. Have they ever said much about what flashes before your eyes when you’re about to lose someone? For Killian, it’s not his life—that’s to say, not his life alone. As someone who was immortal (the Devil, to be exact), he had never truly encountered such an issue.

That is, until he met Emma Swan. Oneshot

And that is all the fic we have for the CaptainSwan Supernatural Summer! I just don’t know what to say! Every single one of these fics is INCREDIBLE!!! I hope you all enjoy these as much as I have! And now for the original artwork that has been offered! Let me just say that I am absolutely BLOWN AWAY by the talent in this fandom! So enjoy all these and be sure to show all the participants some love!

From @eastwesthomeisbest 

Vampire Smile 

Witch!Emma

Good Witch or Bad Witch

Song of the Waves

The Song of the Swans

The Ghost By My Side

From @tehgreeneyes 

The Pack

Chasing the Demon

Little Love

From @allons-y-to-hogwarts-713 

Vampire!Killian turns Emma

Werewolf!Emma turns Killian

And from  @courtorderedcake

Apothecary Smut NSFW NOT under a cut!

Well, that’s it everyone! What an AMAZING summer it has been! Thank you all again for your participation, enthusiasm, and for every like, kudos, comment, and reblog! We still have MC’s that will continue to post until they are finished, so make sure you let the authors and artists know how much you appreciate their hard work! I’ll be back Oct.1 with all those fics that have updated from now until the end of the month. And with any new artwork that drops as well. So until then my friends! 

[ninja-muse]

Urban Fantasy Recommendation Masterpost

This is a list of the urban fantasies I’ve enjoyed most over the years, split down a few lines and to be updated as I discover new series. I’m also including contemporary fantasies because the lines often blur. Hope you find something you like on it!

$ for LGBT characters £ for characters of colour € for characters with disabilities * for potentially problematic depictions of the above ! for #ownvoices (all based on my slightly spotty memory, so feel free to correct if I’ve missed something)

World-Focused

or stories that spend most of their time steeping you in the magical world

American Gods - Neil Gaiman £

Shadow Moon gets out of jail and is hired by the cagey Mr. Wednesday to … he’s not really clear, honestly, but it puts him in the path of people who may or may not be gods. Multiple mythologies.

Among Others - Jo Walton €!

A 1980s teen flees her troubled home in Wales to get to know her birth father and attend an English boarding school. Is her mother’s family able to work magic or is it just wishful thinking? Reading science fiction might give her the answers. British folklore and faeries, and a very interesting take on magic.

The Boggart - Susan Cooper

A Canadian family inherits a Scottish castle inhabited by a mischievous boggart—who then stows away and finds himself in Toronto. Scottish folklore.

The Bone Clocks - David Mitchell £

The life of a woman from teen-hood to old age as she lives her life and occasionally intersects with an ancient war between good and evil, fought with telepathy and other things that look a lot like magic.

The Changeling - Victor Lavalle £ !

After his infant son is violently attacked, Apollo Kagwa, used bookseller, descends into the hidden world of New York in search of his vanished wife.

The City We Became - N.K. Jemisin - $ £ ! for race

New York City, newly alive, is being attacked, and six humans, no longer quite human, must do everything in their power to save their city.

the Dark is Rising series - Susan Cooper €*

A group of English kids—four siblings, a seventh son, and a boy who might be a reincarnated Arthur—versus the forces of darkness. Five books, only the last of which includes all the kids. Cornish and English folklores, Arthuriana.

Gods Behaving Badly - Marie Phillips

The Greek pantheon now lives in North London and is as dysfunctional as ever. Artemis walks dogs. Aphrodite does phone sex. Apollo is a washed-out TV psychic who’s just fallen, via Eros, for the cleaning lady—who’s trying to date someone else, thank you very much. Greek mythology.

The Golem and the Jinni - Helene Wecker £

A golem and a jinni both find themselves in turn-of-the-century New York, both literally and figuratively. A beautiful exploration of the immigrant experience, friendship, and identity. Jewish and Arabic folklore.

Good Omens - Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

A mostly-good angel and mostly-wicked demon discover they’ve been training the wrong Antichrist days before the scheduled apocalypse. The real Antichrist wants a dog and to save the whales. Also features a legacy witch, a rookie witch-finder, the Four Horsemen, the Four Other Horsemen, Satanic nuns, and a Queen soundtrack. Christian mythology.

The Hunter’s Moon - O.R. Melling

A Canadian teen visiting her Irish cousin ends up mounting a cross-country road trip to retrieve her cousin who’s run off with the faeries. Irish mythology.

The Left-Handed Booksellers of London - Garth Nix $£

In the summer of 1983, Susan Arkshaw travels to London to find her birth father. What she discovers is a family of magical booksellers, and an Old World that’s very much alive.

Middlegame - Seanan McGuire

Roger and Dodger are exceptionally gifted, telepathically linked, and a little more than natural. James Reed will stop at nothing to use them, or people like them, to get ultimate power. Alchemy, time travel, and portal fantasies are involved.

Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman £

Richard Mayhew has it all: a good job, a hot fiancée, a nice flat. Then he helps an apparently homeless girl with the power to create doors and is pulled into the magical community below London. Nothing will ever be the same.

Of Blood and Honey and And Blue Skies From Pain - Stina Leicht

It’s tough, living in Northern Ireland during the Troubles, and Liam finds it harder than most. No one trusts him, he can’t find work, everyone wants him to choose a side, and to cap it off, he feels like a monster is inside him and knows something inhuman is stalking him and his. The war between the Fey and the Fallen is heating up, and the only people keeping peace are an order of priests—who also, surprise, want Liam’s help. Irish and Christian mythology.

The Sixth World series - Rebecca Roanhorse $£€ ! 

Maggie Hoskie is a Monsterslayer of Dinétah, but she’d rather not be. Even rescuing a kidnapped girl is supposed to be a one-shot deal. But the monster’s a new one, an apprentice medicine man’s attached himself to her, and Coyote’s around, so of course it’s not that simple. Navajo mythology.

Son of a Trickster - Eden Robinson £€ !

Jared’s life sucks. He’s sixteen, living in a crap house in a crap town with crap prospects. He’s paying his dad’s rent with weed money. His mom’s more interested in parties than holding down a job. His only friend’s a pit bull. And just when he thinks that’s as low as it gets, a raven shows up and say he’s Jared’s real dad. Heiltsuk (and other First Nations) mythology and folklore.

Sparrow Hill Road - Seanan McGuire

Rose Marshall, the Phantom Prom Date, the Ghost of Sparrow Hill Road, hitches her way from coast to coast while dealing with paranormal problems and route witches—and avoiding Bobby Cross, the immortal who killed her.

Sunshine - Robin McKinley

Rae is a baker. Tough and practical and smart, but a baker. Who’s just rescued herself and a vampire from captivity using magic she’d half-forgotten she had. Unfortunately, the master vampire’s still after them, the magical police know something’s up, and she just wants to keep being normal. Includes mild, realistic PTSD and a whole lot of delicious desserts.

An Unkindness of Magicians - Kat Howard

The Turning has started in New York and every magician in the city has their own reason for entering the tournament—power, status, acknowledgement, revenge, revolution. The high stakes would be enough for anyone, but it’s starting to look like there’s something suddenly wrong with magic, too.

Witches of Ash and Ruin - E. Latimer - $ £ € *

Dayna wants to be a witch, live her life, and block her OCD thoughts so she doesn’t have to deal with them. Then scary but gorgeous Meiner and her coven roll into town prophesying Bad Things, and a serial killer reappears who seems to target witches and shit. Meet. Fan. Themes of family and abuse.

Ysabel - Guy Gavriel Kay

Ned Marriner’s tagging along with his photographer dad to Provence when he begins to notice magic awakening around him. There’s an ancient love triangle that‘s repeated throughout history, using contemporary locals as proxies—and it’s very interested in Ned, his new friend Kate, and his father’s entourage.

Mystery-Focused

or stories that spend most of their time solving a magical crime

The Arcadia Project series - Mishell Baker $£€ !

Millie’s nearly broke, scarred, a double amputee, mentally ill, and Done with all the BS around that. She’s also despairing of ever resuming her directing career, so when a mysterious woman offers her a job with her temp agency, she’s intrigued. What wasn’t mentioned? She’ll actually be an immigration agent working with the Fae of Hollywood, and one of them’s just gone missing.

the Blood series - Tanya Huff $£€

Vicky Nelson is the pinnacle of the tough, no-nonsense PI—which poses a bit of a problem when she’s hired to catch a “vampire” on the streets of Toronto and then actually meets one. (He writes romance novels.)

the Felix Castor series - Mike Carey $*

Felix Castor is an exorcist. A hard-drinking, down-at-the-heels exorcist in a London brimming with ghosts and demons. Unfortunately, he never seems to get the easy cases where he can just waltz in and play a tune—and his past mistakes might be coming back to haunt him.

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency and The Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul - Douglas Adams

Dirk Gently solves mysteries by wandering around, getting into strange situations, and then connecting dots no one believes even exist. Like time traveling robots and Romantic poets, or rampaging eagles and mold-ridden refrigerators.

The Grendel Affair - Lisa Shearin £

Makenna Fraser is a seer working for Supernatural Protection and Investigations in New York. “Seer” meaning she can spot the ghoulies and ghosties few people can, including her coworkers. When an off-the-books gnome removal turns into a blood-soaked crime scene, she and her partner are handed the case—but will her eagerness to prove herself just land her in hotter water?

the Greta Helsing series - Vivian Shaw $£

Dr. Greta Helsing serves the undead of London. Her best friends are vampires and demons. The boundaries between worlds are thinning, causing all manner of metaphysical trouble. Plays with 1800s horror classics; equal parts sensible, disturbing, and funny.

the Greywalker series - Kat Richardson $£

Harper Blaine prides herself on rationality and unflappability, but after briefly dying on a case, she’s suddenly wrong-footed and seeing ghosts everywhere. In the middle of all that, she’s hired by a mysterious voice to track down an organ that’s more than it seems, and suddenly haunted street corners are the least of her problems.

the Incryptid series - Seanan McGuire $£

Meet the Price family, a close-knit group of cryptozoologists whose mission is to protect and preserve endangered cryptids like dragons, gorgons, and the religious Aeslin mice from humans. They’re also hiding from the Covenant of St. George, a.k.a. why the cryptids are endangered in the first place. Technically paranormal romance.

the Iron Druid series - Kevin Hearne £

Atticus O’Sullivan is a herbalist and seller of New Age paraphernalia by day, two-thousand-year-old druid by night. He thought moving to Arizona would keep him safe from gods bent on revenge. He thought wrong. Multiple mythologies.

Last Call at the Nightshade Lounge - Paul Krueger $£€ !

Bailey Chen is fresh out of business school, broke, and living with her parents. When a childhood friend offers her a job as a barback, she takes it as a stopgap—but then she discovers the secret cabal of bartenders who fight demons using magical cocktails and after that, there’s no looking back.

Moonshine - Alaya Johnson £

Zephyr Hollis, a charity worker and ESL teacher in 1920s New York, and therefore flat broke, takes a side job from a student, Amir, without asking questions. But will the vampire mob, the drug-crazed vamps, Amir’s literal smoking hotness, or her family history do her in first?

Night Owls - Lauren M. Roy $

Valerie is a vampire with a successful campus bookstore. Elly grew up fighting monsters and fearing for her life. When their paths collide via a book in Elly’s keeping, they must unite to prevent said monsters from unleashing hell and then some.

the October Daye series - Seanan McGuire $£€

Toby Daye wants sleep, coffee, and for everyone to leave her alone already—not necessarily in that order. Unfortunately, as a changeling Knight and PI with a knack of finding people and solving problems with maximum chaos, none of those things will ever be easy to come by. Multiple folklores.

the Olympus Bound series - Jordanna Max Brodsky $£

Selene di Silva’s been keeping her head down for a long time, shutting herself off not just from New York, but from the world. (Being a former goddess will do that.) But then she stumbles on the body of a woman who’s been ritually sacrificed and her past as Artemis comes rising up again. Greek and Roman mythology

the Rivers of London series - Ben Aaronovitch $£€

When Constable Peter Grant meets a ghost at a crime scene, it’s only logical for him to take a witness statement. When DCI Thomas Nightingale learns of this, he offers him a job as an auror the sorcerer’s apprentice a valued member of a magically-focused police unit. London, its river goddesses, various magic workers, assorted Fae, and the Metropolitan Police will never be the same.

the Shadow Police series - Paul Cornell $£

Following the mysterious death of a suspect, four Metropolitan Police officers are drawn into London’s sinister magical underworld in their hunt for a killer.

the Smoke series - Tanya Huff $*£

Tony Foster’s found his footing as a PA on a Vancouver-shot vampire show. Unfortunately, the paranormal weirdness that is his life continues and it’s somehow up to him to save the day.

Unholy Ghosts (and following) - Stacia Kane £*

Chess Putnam works as a Church exorcist, partly out of obligation and partly for the pay, which goes to fuel her drug addiction. Unfortunately, no ghosts are nice ghosts and her private life keeps intruding on her cases.

the Watch novels - Terry Pratchett

Ankh-Morpork is the citiest of fantasy cities. Its City Watch is a bunch of misfits. Sam Vimes isn’t putting up with any nonsense. Somehow, they fight crime.

Zoo City - Lauren Beukes £

Zinzi December is a con artist and occasional finder of lost things who lives in the Johannesburg slums with her sloth familiar. Her latest case? Find a pair of missing teen pop stars—before the apparent assassins do.

[jwnchstr]

FIRST DATE

SUMMARY: First met? Abandoned house. Then? Being friends. Later? A date.

CHARACTERS: You (Reader), Sam, Dean, (L/S/N) = little sister name.

PAIRINGS: Dean x Reader

WORD COUNT: 1639

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I don’t have anything much to say, except “feedbacks is appreciated. Oh, and if you have any suitable Dean GIF, reblog with it!”

DATE: 24TH Oct 2017

You are a hunter not because of the reason to get revenge behind whoever killed your parents and your eldest brother in a mystery airborne crash. They died when you were 16 and your little sister 15. Even though it was hard to explain to your sister what you thought about it, but you never thought of being a hunter to seek revenge for your family. Plus, you don’t know anything about hunters when you were 16.

But you chose to be a hunter when your heart desired to understand things that you cannot see with your naked eyes. You started to read about angels and demons, about satan and hell and heaven. You wanted to know what they look like or if they ever live their life like normal humans would. You wanted to know how ghosts apparate. Some people say ghosts are satans disguised as human spirit to scare sons and daughters of Adam. You started to learn Latin and other foreign languages to understand about their cultures tell tales.

You were on a case with your little sister, spending the night at an abandoned house when both of you met Sam and Dean. Apparently, they chose the same abandoned house as you both to bunk in. They thought there was a ghost because the moment they walked in they saw your candles were alight, your phone was playing songs, and they heard footsteps where you were walking on the second floor to check up of the rooms. They also heard whispers where your little sister was talking to your acquaintance. The first time they face to face with you, they had their guns in front of your face.

“You’re not a ghost, aren’t you?”

You recoiled. “Am I a see-through?” You look down to your body, see yourself if your body was solid. Of course, you were. You were only being sarcastic to Sam. And then, your little sister came into the room and almost freaked out when Sam and Dean turned their head guns towards her.

“Sissy?” She called you in panicked. “Why are they pointing their guns at us?”

“To be honest? I don’t know,” you answered. “Though, I don’t believe rock salt work on us.”

“Hey, these are real guns,” Dean defended himself and his little brother, pointing up at your face curtly.

Your little sister gasped, walked close to you with her arms in the air while you stared at the brothers in anxiousness.

“Put those down, please,” you begged Sam and Dean for your little sister. “Come on. We’re human, trust me.”

Sam and Dean exchanged looks. They both nodded their heads at each other before lowering down their guns and your little sister hugged you tightly.

“That’s okay, Missy. They’re good guys. They’re not going to hurt us,” you tried to convince your little sister, in which Sam and Dean caught you off guard when they heard you saying. “You want to check up on their CCTV? It’s almost three hours since we last watch them.”

Your little sister nodded her head without protest, glancing at Sam and Dean one last time before turning around to where she appeared. It was in another room just across you and Sam and Dean were standing in. The brothers watched your little sister leave and saw that the other room was already complete with computers and wires and many other advanced technologies. Meanwhile in the room you three were standing in was only full with books and one laptop and cups of coffee and a box to keep drinks cool.

“Sorry about (l/s/n).” You smiled sadly. “She’s having a little trauma since our last hunt.”

“You guys are hunters?” Sam asked as he and Dean watched you took your seat at the table with bunch of books.

You nodded your head. “I started first. It was until (l/s/n) got possessed in her hostel and she decided to join me.”

“How did you get started?” Dean asked, approaching you at the table. “Revenge for someone?”

“No.” You shook your head. “Just out of curiosity. It didn’t start well, though. I got nightmares 24/7. Can’t go out without feeling like someone’s following me. But when I think about her, I keep going.”

“What, do you make money out of this?” Sam frowned along with Dean.

“Obviously,” you answered. “My parents died in an air crash. But they left us with so much money than you could ask for so why not use it, right?” You smirked. “Plus, with my brain and her brain and our strengths. We could go anywhere.”

“Wow.” Dean was impressed with your little strategy even though he was jealous of you. “It must be awesome. But if you could go anywhere, why’d you choose hunting?”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged. “Anyway, it has some cons, as well.”

“And what would that be?” Sam asked.

“We’re wanted by the police.”

“Yeah, no argument there,” Dean agreed.

Sam wanted to laughed at that because it felt so funny to him how a billionaire’s (he only guessed at this) children are wanted by the police. Not like you’re using fraud credit card like them. But he didn’t ask further, knowing that some of what you did are some of what they did.

“Okay. So, can we bunk in here? It’s pretty late to find a motel at this hour.”

“Yeah, there’s no motel nearby. It’s … maybe three hours away until you find their town city.”

“Good, so do I take the sofa?” Dean asked, pointing at a sofa near him in the room, smirking as if he already got his bed.

“Nope, that’s my little sister’s,” you told him. “You can sleep anywhere you can. I probably won’t sleep tonight.”

“What, why?” Sam’s eyebrows knitted.

“Um, it’s my turn for watch-out. And my little sister’s still have nightmares so when she wakes up screaming or chanting one of those summoning rituals, I have to be awake to stop her.”

“She’s chanting when she’s dreaming?”

“Yeap,” you answered like it’s nothing, when Dean knows, if that happens to him and Sam, he would burst at Sam.

Sam and Dean didn’t comment anything on it. They felt like they know what you were talking about especially Dean who was a big brother too, except his little brother was four years younger, while you only one year younger. And he understands why you don’t sleep and how you put your little sister first.

“Okay, then. I’ll take the tub,” Dean clarified.

So that’s how your friendship with Sam and Dean started. You trusted them just as soon as they put down their guns and helped you with the hunt you and your little sister were into. It was different from them. While they hunt some mystery murder, you and your little sister were hunting a haunted house.

Your little sister didn’t put a grudge between those two men who had their guns in front of her face when they first met either, so she’s grown to them just as fast as you do. From hunting team to friends on regular Friday nights; from sharing knowledge about hunting to sharing about your lives; from talking about angels and gods to talking about people like regular human beings doing gossips. Although your little sister was not a fan of bars like Sam, but she enjoys going to bars with the brothers.

For a few months straight, you never stopped seeing them. And what did you wear? Just your jeans, of course. High-cut Vans, jackets and natural make-up, but when you go hunting, of course, there were no make-ups. Your hair would be in this kind of mess after hunting and you feel like cutting them short, but keeping your hair long is what makes you feel like a lady. You’re afraid to forget how to act like a lady if you have your hair short too long.

Anyway, after months passed, you and Dean have always been closed even though you felt like Sam has something to tell you. Your little sister was not very much secretive, but suddenly when Sam and Dean arrived, she began to be one. You ignored it because you know it’s not important. At least, it’s not about the huntings or her nightmares.

And, after months, Dean finally asked you out.

Because you have been wearing jeans and t-shirts too long, it’s quite awkward for you to start wearing dresses again – and high heels. You dug up your duffle bag to find your old-yet-new dress to wear on yours and Dean’s date. After an hour, you finally decided with a dark blue, lacey dress. The last time you wear, it was a few years back when you had to attend your little sister’s convocation day.

Four of you were at a different abandoned house this time. You already finished dressing up and was waiting for Dean while talking to your little sister, chatting up, keeping each other update about the current hunt. Your little sister was sitting in front of the laptop with books all around her and you standing beside her, watching her doing some research.

That’s when Sam and Dean came in, but your barely noticed them when you’re too busy with your research. You wouldn’t notice anyone unless they call you. When Dean saw how pretty you looked in your dress – because this was the first the brothers ever saw you wearing a dress – he freaked out.

Dean turned around, anxiety attacked him.

“Dude, what’s wrong?”

“Dude, she can’t be the girl I’m going out with,” Dean exclaimed, practically being insane.

Sam frowned while glaring at Dean. “What are you talking about, bro?”

“That girl! (Y/n)! She’s too beautiful, she can’t be with me.”

“You just said that you’re handsome just now.”

“Yeah, well, that’s before I saw her.”

Sam chuckled.

[ecofinisher]

The Adventures of Super Nathan 2 - Chap 29

Chapter 29

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18224606/chapters/48593057

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13243294/29/Miraculous-The-Adventures-of-Super-Nathan-2

https://www.wattpad.com/779401448-miraculous-the-adventures-of-super-nathan-2

Kagami sat with her legs crossed on the couch next to Adrien‘s mother having a cup of hot tea.

„Adrien sure didn‘t mean it, what he said. He‘s always kind with his friends, including you. I also understand your part, he could act more harsh with his fangirls if they don‘t respect the two of you, when they‘re bothering you,“ Emilie mentioned to Kagami, which was taking a sip from her teacup. „I suggest you two talk after the photoshoot about it and reconcile. I know, that both of you will surpass all this trouble together“

„I know, “ Kagami said taking another sip. „Lately all this fangirl mayhem, the school, the superhero work, Lila‘s disappearance, my last talk with my father, everything is consuming my head from the inside, it‘s bonkers me when it‘s all at once“

„I understand, Come try to calm down and forget all the problems for now“ Emilie suggested making Kagami nod slowly.

„I hope everything will be fine in the end. Adrien has always helped me out with the superhero work and comfort me about my father‘s loss. I‘ve been helping him out too. I think he didn‘t quite get or it‘s just, what I think he saw it“

„Don‘t worry, you two will be alright.“ Emilie promised. „You two are so close and it would be a pity if you two gave up, “ The blonde said making Kagami nod.

„I love him too much to just give him up, “ Kagami said grabbing her smartphone from the pocket of her jacket to look at the display image, which was an image of her with Adrien sleeping inside an airplane next to Adrien‘s shoulder.

„And he does the same“ Emilie responded getting up from her chair, then pushing it back to the table. „You have been so far one of my favorite persons my son has met, “ The mother said making Kagami roll her eyes down in embarrassment.

„I‘m up to look for Hope. It‘s time to feed her.“ Emilie announced looking at Kagami finish her tea. „Would you like to feed her?“ Mrs. Agreste asked, watching Kagami smiling enamored with the idea, then she got up, ready to go behind the woman.

„You can get her out of the cradle, while I go prepare the milk. It will only take two minutes“ Emilie Agreste mentioned earning a nod from Kagami, which got out of the dining room into the hall, afterward she made her way up the stairs heading to the room, where the toddler Hope Agreste lied.

Kagami placed her hands on the side of the cradle to look down at the toddler, that was playing with a plush penguin. Kagami smiled amused at the sight of the toddler, then her kwami Tikki flew out from her pocket to observe the toddler laying in the bed.

„That‘s the penguin you have give her last time“ Tikki pointed out earning a nod from the Japanese girl. Kagami took Hope in her arms, then watched the girl lean her head on Kagami‘s fencing shirt, making the blue-haired girl smile.

„It‘s smooth, isn‘t it little girl, “ The girl asked giving the baby a small kiss on the toddler‘s hand, then leaned her forehead on her boyfriend‘s brother‘s sister. „Are you hungry? Your mom is going to let me feed you today, would you like me to do that?“ Kagami asked following with her eyes the hands of the baby at her nose, squishing it making a quiet meep.

„Beep“ Hope replied making Kagami chuckle. Kagami turned around with the toddler to watch Emilie Agreste enter into the bedroom with a small pink bowl with a Cockapoo and a German shepherd on the front of it.

„Maria had bought for Hope new this porridge with Wheat, Cherry and Apple flavor. Do you think Hope will like it?“

„We will see“ Kagami said sitting down on the bed of the Agreste‘s with Hope on her lap, which watched the mother sit down next to Kagami giving Kagami the bowl and Kagami placed her arm behind the toddler taking the bowl from her left hand, afterward she picked the spoon to scoop a bit of porridge of the bowl and held it in front of Hope‘s mouth, which frowned her face at seeing the strange light pink color her food had. Hope backed off with her head from the spoon, then Kagami went back with the spoon, watching the girl glaring up at her.

„How do you know it‘s not good if you don‘t try it?“ Kagami asked watching Hope cross her arms, then Kagami took the spoon up in the air making an airplane sound calling the attention of the girl.

„Oh an airplane is flying here,“ Kagami said moving the spoon in the air in front of the baby girl, making her smile and observe the spoon in front of her eyes moving up and down like a wave. „Beep, beep!“ Hope laughed and Kagami slowly approached the girl‘s mouth and introduced the front of the spoon inside the infant‘s mouth.

„And? Kagami asked looking at Hope, which had pulled half of the food of her spoon into her mouth and the rest had landed on her underlip, making Kagami giggle. „Ops“

„Wait, I‘m going to get a serviette from the closet in the corridor, “ Emilie told getting up from the bed to leave the bedroom. Kagami used the empty spoon to pull the dirt off the girl‘s mouth and let the girl lick on it. Kagami took another scoop, then watched Hope looking up at the teen with her blue eyes, making Kagami smile enamored and Hope pointed at the porridge.

„Yes I‘m giving you now more of it, little girl“ Kagami explained, then Hope tucked her hand in the bowl shrieking Kagami at the mess the baby causes over her lap and she held at the hand a bit of porridge, which fell half from the hand at Kagami, while it dropped little bits on her fencing suit.

„Oh sure, but I use my finger instead, “ Kagami said tunking her index finger in the porridge and placed her finger inside her mouth, pulling the index finger slowly out of her mouth while taking the porridge off her finger and swallowed it down. „It‘s tasty, “ Kagami said looking at the toddler with a smile, then it clapped with her hands to spout at the teenager, which had got a few blots on her face from Hope‘s porridge. Hope laughed at the mess she had done, then Kagami smiled and pecked the girl on the forehead. „You‘re an angel, “ Kagami said laying her head over Hope‘s head to cuddle with her, then from the corridor, she heard someone crying for help, making Kagami look surprised at the exit of the room.

„Mrs. Agreste?“ Kagami asked running at the exit of the door to see at the end of the corridor near to a window a violet-dressed person break the window and drop in the corridor landing in front of the mother.

„That‘s Monarch!“ Shouted Kagami, followed by from the other side the new assistant of the Agreste‘s Maria appear and shriek as she saw the supervillain inside the house.

„Bring Hope in safety Kagami, now!“ Ordered Emilie, which pushed down one of the knights' decor on the side of the corridor down to block Monarch to pursue her. Emilie picked from the knight the sword and stood back, while Maria grabbed on Kagami‘s shoulder to call her.

„No, take care of Hope. Call the bodyguard and inform the police. I take care of that“ Kagami ordered handing the assistant Hope to the arms. Hope looked sadly at the blue-haired girl, then Kagami caressed the toddler on the face and gave her a small peck on the check. „I‘ll be back. I promise,“ Kagami said while Maria got a little tensed about Kagami.

„Where are you going, young lady?“ The raven-haired woman asked watching from the bedroom Tikki appear landing on the shoulder of the girl.

„Tikki, spots on!“ Kagami shouted transforming into Lady Red, while Maria wide her eyes in surprise at the revelation of the Tsurugi heir.

„Please leave, I take care of Monarch“ Lady Red ordered the woman, which left and Lady Red saw on the bed her smartphone and she threw her yo-yo at the bed to catch the smartphone, then she opened the superhero squad chatbox and set it on video call, then placed it on the floor and ran towards Monarch and Emilie, which were sword fighting each other and Emilie‘s sword ends up being thrown off the mother‘s hands.

„I‘ve got your back“ Kagami announced standing in front of the blonde. „Leave, I take care of her“

„I see your son‘s girlfriend makes a very good bodyguard, “ Monarch said. „No wonder you kept her“

„I‘m not here because of that“ Lady Red responded using her yo-yo to steal from another knight armor a sword, then grabbed it on its handle and held it in front of her face. „And I know you‘re Nathalie Sancoeur. There‘s no one else, that would want to get revenge from us besides you,“

„What a clever girl you are. Too bad your housecat had to appear on that night as your family crashed against a wall, if he didn‘t you wouldn‘t have been here in front of me“

„I knew it was you“ Lady Red hissed at the revelation of the supervillain. „Why are you even here?“ Questioned the Japanese descendant superheroine. „The Agreste‘s are all out and Gabriel for sure won‘t ever show any interest in you the way you have thought he would“

„Who said I was here because of Gabriel?“ Asked Monarch with a smirk. „I only came here to get Emilie Agreste“ Monarch responded. „And your and Adrien‘s miraculous would also be nice to retrieve“

„You won‘t have success as long as you have to go through me or the others“

„Which other heroes?“ Asked Monarch. „Miss Vixen is now under my power. Super Nathan and Honey were caught and now only Viperion and Cat Noir are left and Marinette….“ The Monarch said making Lady Red growl. „I know she‘s the one, that keeps the miraculous according to Miss Vixen and she‘s going to have a special surprise today“

„You will never get away with that!“ Lady Red shouted raising her sword back and attacked Monarch, fighting her back towards the broken window.

„Do you really think you can take me down with that sword?“ Asked Monarch while deflecting the attacks of the superheroine. „You know this is not like fencing“

„You wouldn‘t be surprised by my skills in fencing, “ Lady Red said, then Monarch tripped over the knight armor, that was spread on the floor and she landed on her butt and Lady Red smacked with her sword on hers, causing it to fly off her hands. „Hands up!“ Ordered the ladybug-themed heroine, then the heroine placed her hands on the floor trying to get up and shrieked as Lady Red held the sword in front of her forehead. The Monarch smiled at seeing around her the pieces of the knight and as she slowly lifted her hands up, observing Lady Red slowly back off with her sword, Monarch grabbed the chest protector of the armor and threw it against Lady Red‘s face, shrieking her, afterward Monarch grabbed Lady Red on her arm hard, then removed with her other hand the sword and threw her down on the floor. Monarch kneed down on Lady Red‘s stomach, causing her to groan and held her down on her forehead and with her writing hand, she took from her right ear the earring, which caused a mess to Lady Red‘s transformation, which disappeared halfway of her body. Soon her full transformation was gone as Monarch removed the second earring and Lady Red‘s suit was gone leaving Kagami Tsurugi there on the floor, gazing shocked at the Monarch‘s success.

„Kagami no!“ Tikki shouted as she saw her owner on the ground in shock. The Monarch took her sword, holding it under her chin, making the girl yelp in fright at the woman going in to hurt her, then before Monarch did anything to her, she shook her head and looked at the curtains, that were opened to the side and the supervillain took the sword away from Kagami‘s neck and cut a bit from the end of the curtain down and wrapped it up together into a sort of rope and grabbed on the girl‘s hands violently, causing her to yike in pain and the villain tied Kagami‘s arms together.

„I‘ve got a better idea, “ Monarch told the blue-haired girl. „But for that, I need to have you alive!“

„Your plan won‘t work out Monarch!“ Kagami shouted, then she got frightened as the Monarch held her sword again on her neck.

„Shut up!“ The Monarch yelled at the brown-eyed girl, after that she covered Kagami‘s mouth with her hand. „When Adrien sees, that I got you and his mother, he won‘t have a choice and need to give me his miraculous, if he wants the two of you back“ The Monarch explained cutting again from the curtain more textile and with that bit she put it around Kagami‘s mouth and tied it up behind her back. „This time, I won‘t fail, “ Monarch said smirking at Kagami, which dropped her head down in sadness.

Adrien was in his wardrobe looking at himself in the mirror as he was dressed in the French army clothing.

„Nice“ Adrien said, then looked down at the table under the mirror, where the hat of the uniform lied, the Adrien took it and placed it on his head. Adrien smiled and looked back at a chair, where his kwami sat on the pile of clothing Adrien had taken off. „And?“ Adrien asked looking at Plagg, that was nibbling on one cheese-flavored potato chip.

„You look like one of those soldiers from the world war“ Responded Plagg. „Are you going to promote for the war or for peace?“ Questioned the black kwami.

„No it‘s for the recruiting I think“ Responded Adrien. „To make people get interested to join their services“

„Would you do that?“ Asked Plagg making Adrien shrug his shoulders.

„I don‘t know“ Responded Adrien. „I would be far away from everyone I love“ Adrien sad gazing sadly at the cat kwami.

„Yeah most likely“ Plagg agreed, then Adrien took from under the seat his barrel bag to open it and took out his smartphone and saw an upcoming video call from Kagami in the superhero chatbox.

„Therefore I forgot, that I need to apologize to Kagami about before. Do you think she likes flowers?“ The blonde asked making the kwami shrug his shoulders.

„I don‘t think, she‘s that easy to impress, boy“ Plagg responded earning a nod from Adrien, which pressed the green button to stabilize the video call and filming his own face, which appeared on the corner and the rest of the screen showed the corridor of his house, which Adrien had recognized.

„That‘s our house, “ Adrien said looking up at Plagg, which also gazed at the video.

„Is that Kagami there?“ Asked Plagg pointing at the top of the display seeing legs in red trainers and behind her stood a violet dressed person.

„Get up!“ Ordered the voice and grabbed the person from behind, lifting her up showing Kagami with a covered mouth and the arms tied up.

„That‘s Monarch!“ Adrien shouted in panic as he saw the woman push the girl forward, then she started to run away from the supervillain. The supervillain ran behind the girl and pushed her down on the ground causing her to fall and hit her head on the wall landing a few inches away from the smartphone. Adrien wide his eyes terrified at how the supervillain had mistreated his girlfriend, then he swiped up on his phone and pressed on a red button on-screen to start recording the screen.

„Get up!“ Demanded the supervillain. „If you try to run away from me I won‘t show any remorse next time“ The woman threatened the girl, which was picked up again and pulled away by her arm, passing beside the smartphone disappearing from Adrien‘s sight.

„Did you just see that?“ Asked Adrien looking at Plagg. „We have to go back to Paris, immediately“

„What will you say about the photoshoot?“ Plagg asked, then the door of the wardrobe got opened up, causing a loud noise as it hit the wall.

„Father?“ Asked Adrien surprised at the way he had opened the door.

„Maria called and said Monarch had broken into our house, “ Gabriel told the son.

„I know. Kagami tried to reach anyone from the group and I was the only one attending it and she was down!“ Adrien explained. „We have to go save her and mom“

„According to Maria your girlfriend was trying to protect your mother from Monarch, but she didn‘t make it and was seen getting out of the house with the two“

„We have to leave right now. Every second counts!“ Adrien said running out of the room and crashed against his photographer Vincent.

„Hey…..oh, you look magnificent“ The brunette complimented earning a nod from Adrien.

„I know thank you. Listen it‘s an emergency. I need to head back to Paris. I can‘t explain you why, but I have to cancel this photoshoot“

„But…we prepared everything to make it out. Some of yours fans are even here to see you, even my nephew“ Vincent complained to the boy, then far behind the photographer stood Wayhem waving at Adrien and Gabriel Agreste.

„Hey Adrien! Remember me?“ Asked the blonde boy, making Adrien wide his eyes as he had an idea.

„Hey Wayhem! Great I wanted to see you right now“ Adrien replied with a big smile, then watched Wayhem approach the photographer.

„I‘m here Adrien. How can I help you?“ Asked the boy and Adrien approached the brunette, then took the hat off his head and placed it on Wayhem‘s.

„I need you to take my role for tonight as a model“ Adrien explained his fanboy. „I know you can do this. You‘ve got the perfect anatomy and you‘re tan-skinned. Many ladies love tan guys like you“

„Really?“ Asked Wayhem surprised. „But I don‘t think I‘ll be as good as you“

„Don‘t worry, just follow Vincent‘s instructions and it will be just fine“ Adrien assured the tan-skinned boy, which nodded and observed Adrien take his military jacket down, afterwards he took his shirt and passed it to Wayhem.

„Here I‘ve got your clothes“ Gabriel said holding them as Adrien was about to take down his pants, then at the end of the corridor stood a bunch of fangirls screaming as they saw Adrien without his shirt on.

„Don‘t worry girls, next summer you will get a shirtless Adrien on the covers“ Vincent announced, causing them to cry even louder, making Gabriel roll his eyes.

„Quick pull your pants on, we leave throught the back“ Gabriel noted earning a nod from the blonde, which pushed his pants down and took from his father‘s hands his blue pants to put them on, then ran the corridor up, while zipping them up, followed by the father running behind him.

„I wonder what is so important, that they had to leave, “ Wayhem asked himself looking up at the photographer, which shrugged his shoulders.

In the apartment of the Dupain-Chengs Luka sat on the coffee table in front of the couch, where the parents of Marinette sat.

„Now I understand why you like to play so much guitar. You‘re so talented“ Sabine complimented seeing the blonde place the guitar down next to him.

„Thanks, Mrs. Dupain-Cheng“ The raven-haired boy replied at the Chinese descendant woman. „I‘m glad I could also cause you two joy with my music“

„With a bit luck, you will be famous as Jagged Stone, maybe even more, who knows“ Tom Dupain assured giving the boy a thumb up.

„Jagged Stone is a legend. I don‘t think I won‘t reach his level“ Luka mentioned making Tom shake his head.

„Who knows?“

Marinette walked the stairs down from her bedroom, then glanced over at Luka, which was smiling at Mr. Dupain and she waved at him.

„Luka, did Kagami try to call you or anyone else?“ Questioned Marinette gazing at her boyfriend.

„Uh I don‘t know“ The brother of Juleka responded taking the smartphone of his jacket to check it out. „No, but a missed video call from Kagami“

„What happened to Kagami?“ Asked Sabine looking up at her daughter.

„I….Adrien told me she got kidnapped and….uh if we knew anything“ Marinette made up at her parents, which looked at each other unconvinced about her sentence.

„How did Adrien know she got kidnapped if Luka told me before we was on a photoshoot in Bordeaux?“ Tom asked glancing at Marinette, who got nervous.

„He said something about he attended a video call from Kagami and saw her being mistreated by a villain and saw her being brought away.“

„Tell Adrien he should call the police and not mess with the person. You know he can‘t take care of the villain by himself. It‘s too dangerous“ Warned Tom Dupain his daughter, which nodded then Sabine moved her husband on the arm pointing at the TV screen behind Luka, where they showed the akumatized version of Miss Vixen, Volpina flying over a street, where buildings were on fire and pedestrians on the road flee from the supervillain following them while playing on the flute lighting up a fireball on the end of the flute.

„Oh oh,“ Sabine said scared from the news, while Luka sat with his back turned to the screen, but looking at the screen too, seconds later he looked at the window, where the balcony was an orange figure come up from the sky and Luka wide his eyes recognizing it was a person flying towards their house.

„Careful!“ Shouted Luka pointing at the window, then Tom jumped back with his wife behind the couch and the person broke into the living room in, revealing to be Volpina.

„Miss Vixen?“ Asked Marinette looking at the supervillain, which glared up at the girl with an evil grin on her face.

„She‘s akumatized!“ Luka shouted grabbing his guitar and jumped at Volpina to hurt her on the head while causing the guitar to break.

„Luka get away from her, she‘s dangerous!“ Tom warned watching Luka stay in front of the akumatized heroine.

„Marinette Dupain-Cheng! I know you‘re the one to have all the miraculoues. Give me them and I‘ll leave you all in peace“

„What?“ Asked Sabine.

„Uh what miraculouses?“ Asked Marinette pretending not to know, what she‘s talking about.

„You‘re lying, Dupain-Cheng!“ Volpina hissed moving her flute back and jump with it against Marinette, shrieking her, which jumped over the railing of the stairs down at the kitchen. Tom and Sabine got up to grab Marinette and ran with her to the counter of the kitchen, where they were a little far off the villain.

„Luka, get out of here!“ Tom ordered while Luka stared at the villain, which was on the stairs smirking at the family. Luka picked up the standard lamp next to the couch, unplugging it from the electricity and threw it with the foot against Volpina, causing her to drop her flute on the stairs, which slide them down.

„Break the flute, it‘s there, where the akuma must be“ The half-Chinese girl ordered the boyfriend, which gazed down at the floor, then looked up at the superheroine, which was passing her hand over her head, then Luka shook his head.

„No, that‘s not where the akuma is. If it was I think she would have gotten up earlier“ Luka mentioned, then watched Volpina jump down on the floor to grab her flute and approach the family.

„This is my last warning. You give me the miraculouses or I hurt one of your parents“ Volpina said holding her flute in front of her lips while observing Marinette glance at her sternly.

„You‘re just bluffing. I know exactly, that your powers are the illusions, just like they were the first time you were akumatized“ Marinette hissed , then Volpina played on the flute a tune and over Tom Dupain‘s head appeared a middle-sized stone, which felt on the head of the brunette causing him to get unconscious as he got hit with it, shrieking Marinette and her mother as they discovered her illusions didn‘t disappear.

„Tom?“ Asked Sabine grabbing the man on his face, then clapped on his face softly to wake him up. Marinette touched the stone, then hit with her first on it and looked back at Volpina, which was glaring at the blue-haired girl with a smirk.

„I‘ve warned you, “ Volpina said. „Now show me, where the miraculouses are or I‘ll do it worse to your mother“ Volpina threatened Marinette, which hugged her mother tight.

„Sass, let‘s slither!“ Shouted Luka transforming in front of the family into Viperion.

„Oh finally decided to throw off you cover?“ The akumatized Miss Vixen asked, then looked back seeing Tom wake up and getting checked by his wife.

„Did I miss something?“ Tom asked then looked at Viperion on the other side of the room. „Viperion!“

„Believe it or not, Luka‘s behind Viperion‘s mask. That‘s amazing, I didn‘t expect that“ Sabine said making Tom shake his head.

„How can Luka be Viperion?“ The Frenchman asked. „They don‘t even look alike“ Mr. Dupain announced making Marinette twitching her eyebrows in confusion.

„Volpina, why don‘t you take someone who‘s more capable to fight you instead of this innocent human beings?“ Viperion questioned crossing his arms watching the akumatized superheroine turn around and grin at him.

„That sounds delightful!“ Volpina responded sarcastically, then ran towards the snake-themed superhero, which defended himself from the hit of Volpina‘s flute with his lyre, by pushing her aside, then he kicked her on the side against the floor.

„Quick, get out of here!“ Ordered Viperion watching Tom get up along with Sabine and Marinette running at the exit of the apartment, then Marinette stood back to look at Viperion. „Marinette you too“

„But the miraculouses, if she gets them, the world will be in danger“ Marinette explained looking at Luka, which rolled his eyes and tried to held Volpina down on the ground.

„Quick before Volpina gets up again“ Warned Viperion watching his girlfriend ran the stairs up, then he got hit on his eye with the flute of the heroine and she ran at the broken window and jumped out, flying up in the air.

„Marinette wait!“ Viperion shouted running at the stairs to climb them up and found her taking the box out from under her desk.

„I‘ve got it“ Marinette mentioned, then shrieked as Volpina appeared in front of her window and broke through it landing in her bedroom shrieking Marinette, which dropped the miraculous box on the ground.

„Don‘t worry“ Comforted Viperion throwing his lyre against Volpina, which blocked it by hitting on it with her flute. Viperion caught his tool again, then placed his hand over his miraculous, but before he could pull the small button on his miraculous, Volpina had smashed with her flute hard on his hand, then as Viperion had grabbed his hand gasping in pain, Volpina kicked with her leg on Viperion‘s stomach causing him to fly against the open chest on the other side of Marinette‘s room.

„Luka!“ Marinette called, then shrieked as Volpina pushed her on the ground and held her flute in front of her breast.

„I take this box“ Volpina declared, then Marinette handed it out slowly up at the villain, but before she could take it, Marinette threw it at the side causing the box to fall aside and let the miraculous fall off the box.

Volpina snarled at the blue-haired girl‘s dead and pushed the girl against the ground with her feet and collected the miraculouses, that were on the parquet floor. Viperion tried to get out of the chest, but he couldn‘t free himself, due to the vacuum and watched Volpina collect all the miraculouses and as she was done he figured out, one of them lied under Marinette‘s chaise lounge. It looked like a red-colored choker, then Viperion looked up at Volpina, which gazed down at him with a smirk.

„Wow I didn‘t note you had a sixpack under you,“ Volpina said, making Viperion roll his eyes at her compliment.

„Sorry, I‘ve got a girlfriend“ Viperion added, then wide his eyes as he saw Marinette rolling slowly her desk chair at the middle of the room, after that Marinette thrusts with her hands hard on her chair, causing it to tax against Volpina, causing her to fall over it on her back.

„Clever idea, Marinette“ Complimented the raven-haired superhero, then Volpina did a kip up and glared angrily at Marinette.

„Ops how clumsy of me“ Marinette lied shrugging her shoulders, making Volpina smirk and grab the box with the miraculouses.

„I‘ve got enough of you two, “ Volpina said and ran at the window to take off leaving the two behind.  

Marinette ran at the superhero and tried to help him out of the chest. Marinette pulled as hard as she could and as she made it, she flew down on her back followed by Viperion, which landed on top of the girl.

„You‘re alright?“ Asked Viperion looking at the girl, which nodded and saw Viperion sat up in front of her, followed by her doing the same. Marinette sighed and covered her face in sadness, making Viperion look down disappointed at their failure.

„You‘re okay?“ Viperion asked. „We will get them back, don‘t worry“

„But how?“ Asked Marinette. „Miss Vixen is being controlled by Monarch, Kagami has been kidnapped by her too, Honey Bee and Super Nathan were taken down by Volpina. Only we and Adrien remain to save Paris, but how are we going to save Paris all on our own?“

„Well as Volpina took the miraculouses...“ The snake-themed superhero mentioned looking under the chaise longue to take the choker out and to show it to the girlfriend. „She didn‘t fully check out, if she had all“

„That‘s great but…..I don‘t know, I‘m not sure we‘re going to make it out this time“

„We can do it Marinette, we‘re going to stop Monarch, no matter what, “ Viperion told the girlfriend. „I promise, “ Viperion said pecking the girlfriend on her hands. Marinette nodded with a neutral facial expression, then the two looked at the entrance to Marinette‘s room Mr. Dupain appears to look around and sigh in relief as she found the two.

„Thank god you‘re all okay“ Mr. Dupain stated, then got up followed by his wife.

„I probably have a lot to explain now, “ Viperion said patting the back of his neck.

„No, I completely understand, why no one has to know your superhero identity. To prevent situations like this to happen“ Tom guessed earning a nod from his daughter.

„Right…..and what‘s strange is….only the superheroes know each other‘s identities and no one else, besides me or Alix or Adrien‘s parents….oh I think the reason why Volpina knew the miraculouses were with me was either, because Monarch knew more or less about our secret identities and was able to question Miss Vixen about us all, when she managed to akumatize her...and, in that case, we can confirm to 100%, that behind Monarch‘s mask is no one else than Nathalie Sancoeur!“

„Great, so what‘s our plan?“ Asked Viperion, making Marinette shrug her shoulders.

„First we need to contact Adrien and discuss with him a plan, second we need to find out, where exactly Monarch and Volpina are“

„And how are we going to do that?“ Asked Viperion. „Isn‘t he in Bordeaux?“

„He said he was heading back to Paris and would arrive in a half an hour“ Explained the half-French girl.

„Great, then let‘s head to the airport and wait there for him“ Viperion suggested getting up from the floor, followed by helping his girlfriend up, by giving her his hand for her to.

„Will you lend us your car?“ Marinette asked the father, which looked at Sabine that shrugged her shoulders.

„Well, I‘ve got to let you two go anyway. You‘re the ones responsible to protect our city“ Tom said taking from his pocket the car key of their van. „But be careful“ Tom warned watching Sabine hug her daughter tight.

„I‘m there with her Mr. Dupain. I won‘t let anything happen to your daughter“ Viperion promised the father of the girlfriend, which nodded and clapped the boy on the shoulder.

„Listen boy, I believe in a better future for Paris and that Monarch will be taken down by all of you. But I want to let you know this, I would be proud to have you in the future around my daughter as my future son-in-law.“ Tom said surprising the two teens at the comment of the baker. Luka beamed at the honest words of the man and nodded at the man, then looked at Marinette, which blushed at the sight of the boyfriend and Viperion showed the girl the keys.

„Let‘s go, we have a job to accomplish“ Luka‘s superhero identity noted at the girlfriend, then the two ran the stairs down leaving the parents back, which looked at each other a little worried and placed their arms around each other looking down at the exit.

[titoslondon-blog]

New Post has been published on Titos London

#Blog New Post has been published on http://www.titoslondon.com/askhermore-to-zac-posen-gowns-galore-instyles-a-z-of-awards-season/

#AskHerMore, To Zac Posen Gowns Galore - InStyle’s A-Z Of Awards Season

A is for…#AskHerMore

A is all about the feminist #AskHerMore red carpet movement. Pioneered by Reese Witherspoon and Amy Poehler in 2015, it’s all about changing the way media (that's us too) talks to women and encouraging them to ask better questions than just ‘'Who are you wearing?'. Because quelle surprise women have views on politics and current events as well. B is for…Bliiiiiing

And a whole lot of it. From the now infamous $2.5 million 115-carat Lorraine Schwartz emerald drop earrings that Angelina sashayed down the Oscars 2009 red carpet wearing, to Cate Blanchett’s Chopard earrings, bracelet and ring combo that cost a whopping $18 million, when it comes to standing out at an awards ceremony, it’s all about the bling. The winner of our Ultimate Bling Award? Elizabeth Taylor, obvs. The queen of more is more, Taylor’s then husband Richard Burton bought her a 69.42 carat diamond ring for $1 million but, as Elizabeth puts it, ‘Even for me it was too big. So we had Cartier design a necklace.’ Well, as we always say, when your diamond’s too big to wear as a ring, whack it on a pendant and wear it to the 1970 Academy Awards around your neck instead. Understated, who?

C is for…Charlize Theron

Who knew that Charlize Theron was such a babe? Well, we did. An epic actress (she won an Oscar for her terrifying role in Monster), a style chameleon and repping on the red carpet for taller ladies everywhere, Charlize is the ultimate awards badass and we’re obsessed.

D is for…Diversity

With Meryl Streep’s Golden Globes speech addressing immigration straight on, and the 2017 Oscar nominations finally making progress against #oscarssowhite with a black actor being nominated in all four acting categories for the first time EVER, the awards diversity drought is officially over. Hooray!

E is for…EE Rising Star Award

Arguably the most exciting award of the year (because it involves majorly hyped new talent like Ruth Negga and Tom Holland aka Spiderman) the BAFTA EE Rising Star Award is so snazzy we throw a party for it every year. Check the deets HERE.

F is for…Fancy Dress

Bjork’s swan moment, Cher’s 1986 ‘Mohawk year’ and Rihanna’s Britney-meets-Egyptian bejewelled bodystocking – yup, when it comes to red carpet dressing there’s always one that takes it to that bit too far to the realms of fancy dress. And we look forward to that one every year, natch.

G is for…Gaga

When she’s not being carried along the red carpet in an egg, wearing yesterday’s beef tartare as a dress or performing an epic ode to David Bowie with glam rock costume changes to match, Lady Gaga’s generally stealing the limelight at any and every awards show. Case in point: accepting her 2011 MTV awards in character as her male alter ego Jo Calderone. Lady Gaga going method? Groundbreaking.

H is for…Hosts (The Weird, The Wonderful And The Awkward)

The fun part about awards shows? They inevitably have to be hosted by two celebrities that would never normally talk to each other but now have to share a stage and present funny quips and bits for hours on end. A recipe for success, non? Well, if you’re hilarious comedians and besties Amy Poehler and Tina Fey presenting the 2015 Golden Globes, then yes. But if you’re Anne Hathaway attempting to present the 2011 Oscars with a possibly stoned but either way totally out of it James Franco, then alas, no.

I is for…Insta Madness

If only Bradley's arm was longer. Best photo ever. #oscars pic.twitter.com/C9U5NOtGap

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) 3 March 2014

If you didn’t see THAT group selfie at the 2014 Oscars, then what hole were you living in? Ellen’s celebrity studded Hollywood selfie broke the internet and started a new A-list obsession with Instagram. Just try and get through awards season without liking Chrissy Teigen’s adorable backstage pics with John Legend or Lily Collins asking your opinion on what Zuhair Murad gown she should choose. It’s all about the BTS (that’s behind-the-scenes) pics babe.

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J is for…Jennifer Lawrence Falling Over

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Doing a damn good impression of a weeble, Jennifer Lawrence can’t help falling head over heels for awards shows, literally. Tripping over her massive Dior gown on the way to receive her Best Actress Oscar back in 2013, J-Law’s tumble was surely the most Tweeted about awards moment that year. That, and her tripping over a cone. And every other time she’s totally stacked it. Jennifer, we salute your ability to power through embarrassment.

K is for…Kisses

Remember that time Angelina Jolie said she was ’so in love’ with her brother before kissing him smack on the lips at the 2000 Oscars? Well, we do. And tbh, it’s still weird. Between that and John Travolta’s surprise attack on Scarlett Johansson, awards season always seems to bring out the awkward affectionate sides of celebs (and their siblings).

L is for…Loser Face

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Some people can nail the perfect Joey from Friends gracious loser face, and others…well they don’t keep it together so well. Take Samuel L Jackson who, when losing the 1995 Best Supporting Actor Oscar to Martin Landau, could be see mouthing ‘Oh shit’ on screen. Or when Kanye, in true Kanye fashion, took things one step further by crashing Taylor Swfit’s VMA award win to defend losing nominee Beyonce’s honour thus beginning an A-list feud of epic proportions. A polite clap would have been fine.

M is for…Meryl Streep

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Officially the most nominated person EVER. That is all.

N is for…Novel Adaptations We’ve Never Read

Let’s face it, every year there’s a bazillion films nominated that are actually super intellectual novel adaptations that we’ll pretend to our ridiculously informed and cultural friends we’ve totally read but in reality we’ve just watched the movie and googled some original quotes. Soz, not soz.

O is for…Opening Numbers

Hugh Jackman’s adorable, if slightly awkward, dance number with Anne Hathaway at the 2009 Oscars, Andrew Rannell’s all singing, all dancing rendition of ‘I Believe’ from The Book Of Mormon at the 2011 Tony Awards and Neil Patrick Harris’ arguably best ever Tony Awards performance in 2013 are just a few of the awards show opening numbers to go down in history for the right reasons. We won’t mention the wrong ones.

P is for…Poor Leo

2017 aka the year Leonardo Di Caprio finally won an oscar. It’s fair to say a few people may have given up on it ever happening, including Leo himself. #poorleo.

A photo posted by Angel (@bri6427) on

Jun 30, 2016 at 8:40pm PDT

Q is for…Queen Bey

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If anyone else can announce their pregnancy on stage at the Grammys and bring a tear to our eye quite like Queen Bey we’ll eat our jauntily tipped purple fedora Destiny’s Child style. Lest we forget THAT game-changing Country Music Awards performance of Daddy Lessons with Dixie Chicks that we’ve listened to like 300 times. Ok fine, 500.

R is for…Red Carpet Hype

Fact – you can’t have an awards show without a red carpet, but where did it even come from? Why not a blue carpet? First thunk up by LA showman Sid Graumman in 1922, the red carpet made its debut at the first ever Hollywood premiere, Robin Hood, but didn’t make an appearance at the Oscars until 1961 when film enthusiasts watching on tv couldn’t even tell it was red because of the black and white picture. The epitome of you had to be there.

Fun fact – the carpet outside the Dolby Theatre where the Oscars are held is 500 ft long. Incidentally, just enough room for Jennifer Lawrence to fall over in.

S is for…Speech Cock Ups And General Weirdness

Part two of the awkward hosting section of our A-Z, it’s not an awards season if someone doesn’t mess up an acceptance speech, mispronounce a celeb’s name or send a worthy cause to accept the award on their behalf. Check out Miley Cyrus sending a young homeless dude called Jesse Helt to pick up her 2014 MTV Award (which he’s appaz now auctioning off, that’s gratitude for you), John Travolta classically messing up Idina Menzel’s name and Tom Hiddleston, god bless him, attempting to tell an inspirational anecdote and totally missing the mark. Oscar fails are our fave.

T is for…The Leg

Need we say more? Winning our award for best dressed at the 2012 Oscars, Angelina Jolie’s right leg made such a statement it even had its own Twitter account.

U is for…Ugly Crying

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Yes, it’s an emotional time for everyone, but there’s some that handle the sitch better than others. Gwyneth Paltrow was not one of them. We won’t even mention Halle Berry. Let’s just say we’d give them the Oscar for ugly crying.

V is for…Valentino

That iconic black and white dress Julia Roberts wore to win her Oscar back in 2001 that you always remember every time the Oscars rolls round again? It was Valentino. Cate Blanchett’s timeless one-shouldered yellow dress she wore for her 2005 Best Supporting Actress Oscar win? Yup, Valentino.Scarlett Johansson’s seriously major red dress that put her on the map? You guessed it, Valentino. When it comes to dressing like a winner (or dressing a winner, should we say), Valentino have got it down.

W is for…Wardrobe Malfunctions

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From Chrissy Teigen’s NSFW leg split to Geri Halliwell’s 1997 Brit Awards boob slip, a well-placed (pardon the pun) wardrobe malfunction gets you more column inches than actually winning an award. Our fave? J-Law’s gravity-defying dress tear that magically reattaches itself almost instantly. We geuinely don't know what happened there.

X is for…Exes

There’s nothing better than proving how totally fine you are about an overly publicised breakup by revenge winning an award literally in front of your ex. On the other hand, bumping into an ex on the red carpet isn’t exactly ideal. Oh Hollywood, you’re so small and incestuous and adorable. Brad and Angelina, we wish you good luck.

Y is for…Yellow

Black is so blah. If you want to make a statement on the red carpet it’s all about wearing yellow. Take notes from Reese Witherspoon’s post-Ryan Philippe break up LYD (little yellow dress) and Rachel from Friends fringe that was TOO good or Michelle Williams winning at life in a yellow custom Vera Wang dress that we’ve basically never got over. Nabbing the canary yellow torch and carrying it into 2017, Emma Stone’s red hair, pink lips, yellow dress combo is so chic it’s insane.

Z is for…Zac Posen

Bringing an air of mid-century couture to the often pedestrian fashion proceedings, you can bet your money on Zac Posen dressing the most dramatic, and high fashion celebrity on the red carpet. Noteworthy moment – Christina Hendricks wearing the widest emerald green skirt you ever did see before whipping it off to reveal a fitted mermaid tail gown underneath. And our girl crush hit new heights.