#bless thorn for giving bels the best chaotic dad

[luckilyluculent]

“Think happy thoughts,” Hacso said, and Belsaadi could feel how heavy her heart felt in her chest. This moment had been one she had been regarding with some nervousness, some excitement, but knowing what happened to Nilus had filled her with a heartache so strong it almost surprised her. But then, for all the crap she ever gave him, she’d loved Nilus as much as anyone else in the group.

 I knew him first, Belsaadi thought sorrowfully, but she closed her eyes and focused. She thought of Nilus when she first met him, his easy-going smile and quick offer that they should team up on the road, and she’d hated paladins but for the life of her she couldn’t hate him. She thought of their two month long journey together before she even met the rest of her friends. She thought of Nilus’s hand in her own as they boarded the air ship for the first time, his face scrunched up with a sort of nervousness that she had pitied even if the thought now (considering he fell several hundred feet by jumping out of an air vent) made her want to laugh. She thought of Nilus’s face, worried and bewildered as she was brought back to consciousness back in the church. She thought of Nilus saying he could play the lute, and goddammit if he could play the lute. She thought of her quiet exasperation as he looked her in the eyes, grin wide and voice light as he told her they were going to get a pet tiger. She thought of Nilus arguing—pointlessly—with Jack about the note, not quite grasping that how he’d come to have it had already perfectly happened. She thought of Nilus squirreling away mugs like some sort of fiend, of being too straightforward, too honest, to understand that even just pretending to act humbled by an experience could save his ass.

 She’d never forget him, the lovable idiot.

 A small smile, so small, quirked her lips, and she felt something at her back. The feeling of wings. She opened her eyes, focused on Hacso in front of her. He was calm, supportive, as he murmured, “Now breathe.”

 A breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding exhaled from her, and it wasn’t the fire like she could usually breathe. No this was something more fantastic, something grander. Shimmering colors and pure chaotic energy. She took a deep breath inwardly, her head feeling full and her heart feeling strangely warm and broken all at the same time.

 Leave it to me to feel five things at once, Belsaadi thought with a snort of laughter. It wasn’t quite bitter, and she was aware of how quiet everyone else was. Their silence was heavy to her, but she focused on Hacso. She focused on the warmth her memories brought her. She thought of Nilus.

 Yes, she could do this.

 Just think happy thoughts, and breathe.