#bleggjhhhggh bad thoughts ok

[soullessjack]

while it’s on my mind I’ve always wondered what jack was thinking or feeling when rowena said she could’ve fought him in her flat if she wanted to, like .. how do you even respond to that. rowena is someone that jack respects and cares about quite a lot (which is already obvious since he goes directly to her for help), and when she says she would’ve fought him, there are implications that she — 1) thought he would’ve done, or tried to do something she’d need to defend herself against him — and 2) when she also says “not saying I could’ve won,” she acknowledges that he’s way more powerful than her and that if they did fight, he would’ve easily beaten her

none of those things are necessarily untrue, but the thing is, like. This is all coming from someone jack considers a friend and admires for what she did in s13. this is his friend, who also cares about him, anticipating that he could potentially attack her and further anticipating that she would lose. and like overall, jack in these 4 episodes gives me the impression (if it isn’t basically canon) of someone who’s stuck in a position they do not want to be in. Jack has always been afraid of hurting the people he cares about, of his ‘true nature,’ etc, but here he is right in that spot, and he’s clawing at anything he can to get out of it and get back to normal, but the more he claws, the worse and deeper into that position he gets, and the deeper it goes the angrier he gets, which just serves to make it worse and in turn make him even angrier that he’s getting worse, acting out in a way he never wanted to act out, hurting people he cares about but not being able to reconcile just yet.

it’s like. “I could’ve fought you” -> “Why would you think you needed to fight me? Am I someone who would hurt you? Am I someone who needs to be defended against? Am I the dangerous bad guy here?”

everything about him makes me so absolutely sick bleuugghhhh