#blame lani she told me to post this

[vaporkin]

me after the sun comes up and I'm still awake

[agendabymooner]

SOMETHING MISSED !!! ALEX A. X FEM!READER (18+)

summary: she missed him, that was why they got into an argument that led him to make it up after walking out on her.

content warning: smut under the cut (minors dni!), hurt/comfort-ish, argument + alex walking out, use of explicit language, p in v penetration, unprotected sex (a big no no to me but i can’t help it), cockwarming, mentions of aftercare, not proofread

song rec: 13 by lany

note: i said i was going to nap before pulling an all nighter. i’m also a bitchass liar and wrote this in the span of 40 minutes looooool! i pitched this idea to @daaiissyyyyy few days ago sooooo uh enjoy xx

something sinful (smut) masterlist

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if you’d like to get on one of my taglists, check this post out!

they’ve never fought like that before and they couldn’t lie to themselves about that. 

they were so used to being around each other for so long that “being busy for the other” was just a foreign concept for the two. and having an argument until one of them would walk out? 

yeah. they hadn’t expected that either. she certainly hadn’t expected alex to walk out, of all people. he was usually calm and collected as much as she was, but everyone knew that he wouldn’t be the first to head straight to his friends so he wouldn’t lose it on her. 

she blamed herself for how things had turned out. she knew all too well that he was busy, yet she continued to pester him and had given up and voiced her frustration. she hadn’t seen him for weeks— thanks to his triple header and her busy schedule at the university.

and when she finally expressed her concern, he didn’t hesitate to say how upset he was for the fact that she wasn't able to be there for his races— how going back to university had affected their relationship.

“you’re a dickhead for that,” george told alex after the thai driver arrived in front of his front porch and they spoke over a bottle of wine. george only scoffed at him, “she loves you despite your constant travelling for your career— and you’re unhappy for her decision to pursue hers? absolute rubbish, alex.”

and to be fair, george was right; alex shouldn’t be acting like she hadn’t been there for him since they were young. it was her time to choose her own path to success— and he shouldn’t be acting like a right asshole because she had a dream too. instead, he should be there to love her. 

and that was how he found himself shutting the door of their flat quietly, trying not to wake her up despite being a heavy sleeper. he hoped to hop out of his clothes and into his pajama so he could get up tomorrow and speak to her. 

but it seemed liked their conversation would have to happen now as a head popped up from the couch, frazzled hair and puzzled look on the woman’s face as she squinted lightly and called, “alex?” 

“he- hi,” alex said softly, his brow raising as he wondered what she was doing on the couch. 

now reading the expression on his face, she sat up and smiled sadly, “i- uh, i didn’t know if you were coming back tonight or staying at george’s so… i waited.”

alex nodded in understanding before he made his way around the couch. his eyes immediately trailed down the blue lace nightgown that she wore, her legs propped to the side as he realized that she’d been sleeping on the couch. 

she immediately scooted and allowed him to sit next to her. alex pulled her legs and rested them on his lap. 

he sighed, “i’m really sorry for walking out like that.” 

“no, if anything i should say sorry,” she smiled apologetically, “i- i know the season’s been rough. the points are weighing down on you and i shouldn’t have been complaining.”

“you’re entitled to voice out your worries, baby,” alex’s fingers innocently traced over her legs as he murmured, “i was just being a dickhead about it.”

“i just— i missed you so much,” she said quietly, alex’s ears perking up in curiosity and worries as she continued to speak, “school work is draining and- i don’t know. i just miss you— i miss your cuddles and just… your touch.”

“i’m here now, my love,” alex pulled her on his lap as his fingers lightly gripped on her hips. 

out of desperation, she immediately grounded herself against his lap as alex moaned lightly as the friction in his jeans. “fuck…” alex said almost breathlessly, “i’ve got to make it up to you, baby.”

“o— hah~ fuck alex~ ‘m so full,” she cried quietly, her legs growing tired as she continued to bounce up and down his cock. the sensitive spot inside of her overstimulated as alex groaned in pleasure, his hands were sure to leave a mark as he continued to grip on her hips. 

“did you miss that, baby?” he said breathlessly, his hands now guiding her as his hips began to thrust up and his cock began pistoning inside her cunt. she only let out a whine as alex chuckled, “you miss my cock inside of your cunt, sweetheart?”

“fuck, baby, yes,” she nodded eagerly, her tits bouncing in front of him as she babbled, “missed your cock— miss your cock inside my pussy- i missed this— fuck! please~”

“what do you want, baby?” alex let out a low moan, “tell me what you want. god, princess, you feel so good around me.” he growled quietly as he felt her clenching around his girth. 

he really had missed this. 

“i’m gonna- ah! fuck, baby,” she sobbed, tears of pleasure falling down her cheeks as she babbled, “‘m gonna cum. want you so bad- please, please, fuck me harder alex i- hah! fuck!” 

alex didn’t spend that much time considering her request, his hips were now off the mattress as he began to thrust rapidly and roughly. the tone of their moans and rhythms of skin slapping were making music, producing a sound of love to make up for. 

she let out a high pitched chant of, ‘yes’ and ‘fuck’ as her walls clenched around his cock. alex’s groans tuned down to a lower octave as they both chased their highs. 

“fuck, baby,” alex groaned as he finally slowed down, filling her cunt full with his cum as she let out a strangled whine. her cunt throbbed around him as they slumped down on the bed. 

or rather, alex slumped down on the mattress while her body limped on top of him. she sighed, exhausted like he was. 

he tried to pull her away from his cock as he whispered, “baby, we gotta clean you up—“

“no,” she murmured and pleaded, “just… just hold me.”

“are you sure? baby, ‘m still inside of you,” it wasn’t anything that alex would be against, but he was more worried for her at the moment.

“‘s okay, i- uh,” she looked up at him with a flushed face and a tired smile, “it’s warm— keeps me warm… i like it.”

“are you sure?” with another nod from her, alex finally accepted his newfound love for this closeness as he sighed and kissed her head. “okay. let’s… stay like this then.”

yeah… he could get used to holding her like this. 

♡   moony’s reminder 🅶 (general): @hiraethrhapsody @avaleineandafryingpan

♡   moony’s reminder 🅴 (explicit edition): @glitterf1

[thefifthsister-notactive]

Impulse Post Series

She’s not the impulsive one. She’s the one that weighs out the options. Thinks things through. He’s a bad influence. She’ll definitely blame this one on her husband but she can’t help the smile. Sits back in the car and waits for it. Her phone rings.

“Did you really get a dog?” he asks when she hits answer.

“Hello to you too,” she replies, trying not to let him hear the laughter she feels bubbling up.

“Kate?”

“He came from a crime scene,” she told him. “Lanie told me they’d come across a box of kittens and we were playing with them while I got the run down from the responding officers. They came across this little guy too.”

“And you took him?”

“He’s got nowhere to go, Lanie and Ryan claimed the kittens. Even Espo is taking one and I called Alexis and she’s taking a friend home for Eve. I’m sorry I didn’t call you but I wanted to surprise you and the kids. We have been talking about a dog.”

“You have spent entirely too much time married to me Kate,” He laughs. “Cause is the kind of thing that I do.”

“Watson needs a home,” Kate insisted. “Why not let the kids love on him a little, let Cosmo have a friend when the kids are at school and you’re busy writing?”

“Watson? Why not Sherlock?” 

“Because, I’m the detective,” she laughed. “He’s my sidekick.”

“Okay, Watson it is then,” Castle hummed. “I’ll call a family meeting then, get the kids sitting in the office and we’ll wait for your surprise.” “You’re not mad?” She checks. 

“I love it,” Castle assures her. “Get home safe.”

The kids look a little worried they’re in trouble when she gets home but the minute they see the newest family member in her arms, they squeal and rush her to love on their furry friend and the smiles she sees for the rest of the day, the hugs they all slip her and the laughter that rings from the play fills her heart. ____________ For International Dog Day

[bbaronpiper]

Moment of weakness pt.3

Finally, here’s the last part. Sorry it took so long to post. I was busy and got stuck somewhere in the story. Anyway, it’s quite long than the previous parts. I hope you like it. <3

Paragraphs on Italic are lyrics form Lany’s songs I don’t wanna love you anymore and If you see her. I just altered some words to fit it with the story.

You can read the previous parts here. Part 1 Part 2

Arón x reader

Y/N’s P.O.V

I used to love these sheets Dark hair against the white I missed watching you get dressed in our hazy bedroom light

Sometimes I just wanna talk for a minute But I can't bring myself to call Because I know that your heart's not really in it And whatever we had is gone

It’s been ten long months since I last saw him or had any contact with him. The first few months were the hardest. I missed him terribly. His scent, his voice, everything. Even his snoring. I’m lying if I say that going back to him and forgiving him didn’t cross my mind. Not after I heard what he said in his sleep. “She’s not worth it, Bebé”. Five words. Just five words but it haunts me every single night. His voice was still ringing in my head over and over again like it was just yesterday.

It’s been ten long months  and I’m doing a lot better now. I have a new job, new apartment, new friends.

Sick of staring up at the ceiling The only way to get past this feeling Is to tell myself I’m not coming back

The sound of my phone ringing snapped me back into reality. It was Danna. Probably confirming if I will be coming over to her place this afternoon. She called me two weeks ago inviting me to her birthday party. Out of all of his friends, me and Danna was the closest. I loved her outgoing personality. I love her like a sister. I didn’t even felt an inch of jealousy when Arón gave her a rose on Valentine’s day. Hell, I would’ve given her one myself too.

“Hola chica! See you later! You don’t have a choice! You promised! Okay! Bye!” she said enthusiastically and hang up the phone. She didn’t even give me time to answer. Typical Danna. I just laughed to myself as I get up from the bed and start to get ready.

I thought of backing out and watch Netflix in the comfort of my own apartment instead. But I convinced myself that it was time. Besides, I’m doing a lot better now right?

“I can do this. It’s been a while and It’s just a party” I said to myself as you rang the door bell to Danna’s house. Danna opened the door and squealed so loud I thought my ears are gonna bleed.

“Bitch you came! I missed you! I had to hug you just to confirm I’m not seeing things!” She laughed and winked at me. I laughed and gave her the dirty finger in return.

“I missed you too! Happy birthday, hermana!” I said as she leads me to her backyard.  There I saw everyone: Ester, Alvaro, Omar, Mina, Miguel, Itzan, all of Elite’s casts and a few of Danna’s friends, whom I didn’t know. Everyone was there except him. He was nowhere to be found and it gave me a slight comfort as I sighed in relief.

They were all looking at me like they’ve seen a ghost. Probably shocked that I came after all this time. I can’t blame them though. At times like this, I would be thankful if the ground opened and swallowed me whole. It was Omar who came running up to me screaming my name excitedly. “Y/N! I see you came down from Mars now, eh? Damn, girl. We missed you a lot!” he said laughing at his own joke while hugging me so tight. “So I see, you haven’t changed a bit huh?” I loved that about Omar. His sarcastic but fun personality always makes me laugh. “I missed you too. Hot stuff!” I said truthfully. They all hugged me and said their I miss you’s eventually. I felt something inside me. Like a spark of joy. I missed these people so dearly.

---

I am now sitting alone in a wooden lawn chair sipping on my drink as I watched everyone. A smile plastered across my lips. Thinking this wasn’t a bad idea after all. When Danna called me, I was sure I wouldn’t be going. I couldn’t be around these people. There was a reason why I cut ties with them. Not because I wanted to but because I needed to. They really did become a family to me but this wasn’t my life anymore – not after what happened with him.

“Y/N! Smile!” Danna appeared out of nowhere with her phone trying to take a selfie with me. She and Omar laughed so hard when they saw the photo. “You guys are the worst! I wasn’t ready!” I said pretending to be pissed but laughed with them after I saw myself. The laughter died down eventually. Omar was now sitting beside me while Danna sat across from us. “But Y/N, how are you doing, really?” Omar asked seriously. Oh boy here it comes. “I’m doing good” I answered simply. They both looked at me as if they know I’m holding back. “No, really. I’m doing a lot better than I thought I would be.” Danna smiled at me proudly as Omar put his head on my shoulder. “That’s good to know Y/N, it was nice seeing you today. It’s been so long.” She said. “I just don’t think you’re aware how much you’ve been missed, Chica.” Omar added.

The smile I had faded away as a heart wrenching guilt dawned on me. I sigh as I remember all the last-minute cancellation of plans I had with them. All those rejected calls. They even came over to check up on me but I didn’t open the door for them. I completely shut them out of my life when all they wanted was to be there for me. That’s how fucked up I am. He really did a number on me. Suddenly I felt the need to at least explain and apologize. I owe them that. “Guys, you know I’m really s-” Omar cut me off as he squeezed my knee. “Y/N, it’s okay. We understand why you did it.” I smiled at him as my tears are now threatening to build up. But these tears are different from the ones I shed the past months. This was tears of joy. “We all had bad break ups, Y/N and we all have our own way on dealing with it and that was yours. You did it to save yourself and we couldn’t use that against you.” Danna added as she looked at me with happy tears on her eyes. Oh god, now I am crying. “Thank you guys, that means a lot to me”.

The door bell rang once again. “I got it!” Danna announced. Leaving me alone with Omar. He then grabbed my hand and pulled me up. “Okay chica, enough of this now. It’s time to parttteeyyy!!!” He dragged me where everyone was. Itzan and Jorge are now dancing on top of a table. While Ester and Mina, laughing their asses off. I can’t believe I survived ten months without these crazy people.

Arón’s P.O.V

Just look at us You'd never bet against our love Got that kind of thing that lasts Table for two She said "for life" so I'm confused How'd she turn it off so fast

Well, I wasn’t confused how she’d turn it off so fast. I mean, I broke her heart. It’s been ten long months since the last time I saw her and I’ve been dreading to see her. Damn, I’d settle even just for her silhouette just to make sure she’s safe.  Not that I didn’t try. I did. But there’s no way I could find her. She completely cut ties with everyone and it was all because of me.

She won’t talk to me anymore So if you see her Tell her I’d do anything, I need her I know I’m not perfect but we were She says she doesn’t love me don’t believe her If you see her

It’s a hot summer afternoon and I’m here on my balcony smoking, staring at the sky. It’s all I ever do nowadays and write songs to reflect what I’m feeling. That’s the only thing that keeps me sane. Bored out of my mind, I decided to open Instagram and saw Danna posted stories of her birthday cake, her house decorations, and birthday greetings from her friends. I totally forgot what today was supposed to be. But it’s fine, I don’t feel like coming anyway. That’s until I saw her last post. It was a picture of her and omar, and Y/N. I blinked twice making sure it was really my Y/N. it was a bit blurred like she was caught off guard. But I know my Y/N too well. I know it was her. I quickly throw my cigarette on the ground, stomp on it and got on my car. I drove so fast as anxiety took the best of me. I think I broke every single law on my way over to Danna’s. I rang her door bell as I waited impatiently.

She opened the door and smirked devilishly when she saw it was me. Like she knows why I’m here and it was not because it’s her birthday. “Sooo, look who decided to show up” I hugged her and wished her happy birthday. Act natural I thought but I’m so close on peeing myself. “They’re out at the back. Go grab yourself some drinks at the bar. You know your way around here, chico” Danna spoke again and wink at me before disappearing out of my sight. I did what I was told. I was about to go out to the garden when I froze in track. There I saw her with everyone. Goofing around. My Y/N. She looked so beautiful. Her hair was now shorter than I remember. She’s in a floral summer mini dress which complement her curves. She was glowing. She looked so happy.

I felt my stomach flip at the sight of her. Excitement now replaced with fear. I’m scared that I’d hurt her again. How would she react when she see me? Will her smile fade the moment she found out I’m here? I don’t think I can do this to her again. I thought to myself. Suddenly I felt the urge to turn back around and leave. Until I heard Miguel’s voice calling after me.

 Y/N’s P.O.V

I don't wanna love you anymore I don't wanna love you anymore From the start, I never thought, I'd say this before But I don't wanna love you anymore

I don't wanna love you anymore I can't forget, the way it felt, when I walked out the door So I don't wanna love you anymore

I was having so much fun catching up with everyone’s lives but at the back of my mind, I can’t help but to think if he was coming or not. Part of me, the confident me, wanted to see him. Thinking I’ve come way too far from where I’ve been since that night. I’ve become stronger and definitely better having to go through all that shit alone but the other part of me, the lonely, curious me wanted to know what it feels like to see him again. Will I go back to the dark place I’ve been the first few months I left. Will I be shattered to pieces again? No one knows but I hope it was the first one. All the questions inside my head stopped when I heard Miguel say his name. I looked at the direction he was looking at. My heart stopped for a moment when my eyes landed on him. He was already looking at me with a sad smile on his lips. All I can do was give him a small nod in return acknowledging his presence.

He said his hellos to everybody and hugged them. When it was my turn, he stopped for a second. If I didn’t knew him I’d think he just didn’t wanna hug me. But I saw it in his eyes. He was scared. I inhaled his perfume mixed with an almost faded smell of cigarette. Oh, how I missed this. Train of memories starts to hit me and I suddenly knew the answers to the questions in my head.

--

It was now dark and everyone’s drunk as fuck. If not, passed out somewhere in Danna’s house. I lit a cigarette. My guilty pleasure, remember? And looked up. I always loved the night sky. How the darkest nights produce the brightest stars. Somehow, it gives me hope. We all needed a little darkness to shine right? I took another puff on my stick and turned around only to see Arón staring back at me from a short distance. My heart started pounding against my chest and I felt a little dizzy when he started walking towards me.

“Can I join you? Y/N?” his deep voice sent shiver up to my spine.

Arón’s P.O.V

So if you see her Tell her I'd do anything, I need her I know I'm not perfect but we were She says she doesn't love me, don't believe her If you see her

We both know she's not perfect either But if she says she loves me, let me see her Let me see her

She bit her lower lip, something she does when she’s nervous. her body movements became uneasy. For a while, I thought she was gonna refuse and tell me to leave. But she nodded her head yes. A smile crept in to my face as we sat down next to each other. No one dared to say a word. Probably afraid to ruin the moment. I like this. Just the two of us under the moon, sitting in silence enjoying the view. Cold air blowing gently on us. Oh how I would give anything to do this with her every single night.

“Danna really knows how to throw a party, no?” I said trying to start a conversation. “She was always the life of the party.” She said laughing a little. Still looking up at the sky. I sunk on my seat further back, just looking at her from behind as the wind blew her hair gently. The light of the moon and stars illuminating her beautiful face. I tightened my grip around the bottle I’m holding as an attempt to hold back my self from touching her. I want to hold her so bad. Tell her I felt so incomplete without her. Tell her I know how stupid I am to let it all fall apart. My Y/N, How could I ever let her go?

“Y/N,-” “Arón, save it. We’re fine like this” I felt a sting on my chest as she cut me off. But I’m not gonna make the same mistake I did ten months ago. This time, I’m gonna fight for her. “No, please just let me get this out. Por favor” I heard her sigh as she looked back at me. The first time she looked me straight in the eye and I can still see the pain on it. or is it pain? or disgust? or anger? I dunno. I shifted on my seat so now I’m facing her. “Y/N, please know that I deeply regret all the things I did to you. I’m sorry you had to suffer alone when I promised you otherwise. ” I can tell she’s trying so hard not to shed a tear. “I just want you to understand that none of this was your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you. It was all on me” my voice getting shaky as I remembered the night she asked me if she was the one to blame for my unfaithfulness. I can’t believe I made her think that. I could hear myself apologizing over the things I did wrong and the things I didn’t do for her.  My heart breaking as I spit out words after words. The look on her face made me wanna pull her in. wrap her in my arms so tight I might glued her broken pieces back together. “I hated myself for it every single day. But most of all, I hated the fact that It cost me to lose you just to realized you’re exactly who I wanted”. I said almost out of breath. I waited for her to say something. Please Y/N, say something. My leg bouncing up and down. 

She took a shaky breath and finally spoke. “You know, Arón. I really thought it was me. All this time, I kept on thinking where did I go wrong, what did I do for you to find comfort in someone else.” I barely heard her as her voice was so soft. Like she’s just so tired of all the bullshit I put her through. Like she gave up on me. On us. “I loved you. I truly loved you, Arón.” Loved? Past tense? Fuck! “I thought we were gonna end up together. You know? Build a family and all that shit” she took a deep breath as her chin starts to quiver. “But you broke my heart.” That’s when a single tear escaped from her eye. “You broke my soul, Arón.” How could I do this to her? My Y/N. I felt a familiar pain in my stomach at the sight of her. That gut wrenching pain I hate so much. “but thank you for tonight. For the closure. We can now both sleep in peace.” And in that moment I knew she was about to leave me. Again. She started to get up and without thinking, I grabbed her wrist and pull her down to me. My heart broke a little more when she pulled away quickly. “Stop, please. I just wanna go home.” She begged. I couldn’t let her go. I won’t.

“Y/N, almost a year ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve regret every second of it.” I was ready to pour my heart out to her. It was now or never. “I Still love you. I never stopped loving you. I know you’re terrified I’d do it again but I won’t and if you ever give me another chance, I will be glad to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much you mean to me. I wouldn’t stop until I’ve made you believe how much I wasn’t willing to lose you.” I said as I cried with her. My chest was pounding like a drum now.

 Y/N’s P.O.V

I looked at him with wide eyes trying to absorb all the things he just blurted out. Arón, the love of my life just said that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. That he will never hurt me in anyway possible. I was torn to pieces. My head was screaming at me to run. Run as far away as I can but my heart. My stupid heart wanted to give him another chance. What if he’d do it again - he won’t - he will Y/N, don’t be stupid. I love him but I’m scared to death. It took me a lot of courage and a lot of sleepless nights just to get to where I am right now. I know I would die in agony if it happens again.  But, on the other hand, don’t I owe this to myself? To at least try again?

Arón’s face started to drop as he figured I wouldn’t give him answers. he looked down at his feet shutting his eyes as pain grew stronger inside him, swallowing the lump on his throat. He sighed in defeat. He knows he’ll never have me back now. It’s too late. He looked back up at me again and gave me a small smile “okay, Y/N. I get it.” he whispered as he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. I swore I saw a tear rolled down his eyes just as he started to walk away. 

What am I doing here just standing like an idiot. He just told me he loves me and I still love him. So what the fuck? Y/N? It’s been a while and we’re both different person now. Stronger, and probably better. Your heart finally won the battle when you yelled his name. “Arón!” he instantly looked back at me. We both walked towards each other and meet halfway. I placed my hand on his chest desperate to feel his warmth as he looked down at me with hopeful eyes. “te quiero, asshole” I saw a smile form on his lips before he grabbed my face and smashed his soft lips into mine. We poured so much passion into the kiss and it felt so right. Like every pain I felt these past months just vanished. I felt his left hand leaving my face tracing down to my neck and down to my lower back pulling me closer and there’s nothing more I wanted right now than to have him. All of him. We pulled away out of breath as he pressed his forehead against mine. I brushed the tip of my nose to his slowly. Savoring the moment. “Y/N. Gracias. I swear you’ll never regret this” he whispered so lovingly I almost felt myself melt. “Take me home” I never ever had to ask twice. 

Next thing I know, we were back in our old apartment. He lifted me up as soon as we got inside. My legs wrapped around his torso as I hold onto him like my life depended on it. His wet kisses on my neck sent shivers to my whole body. Oh how I missed this feeling. Soft moans left my lips. His soft kisses now became rough and needy as he throws me into the bed. He just stood there looking at me. 

 Arón’s P.O.V

I can’t believe this is happening right now. I had to pause for a moment and stare at her laying on my bed. Our bed. I wished I could take a picture and frame it on our wall but I have to have her now. I pulled my shirt over my head quickly as she sat up and start to unbuckle my belt. I did the same for her “Oh, bebe, you wouldn’t need this anymore” I said referring to her dress and threw it to the floor.  I climbed on top of her. Just hovering over her. Kissing her on places I knew would drive her crazy while I palmed her right breast onto my hand and I smirked when I heard her moaning my name. I aligned myself to her entrance and looked at her waiting for her approval. I didn’t waste any second and pushed myself inside of her as soon as she nodded yes. Both of us moaning in pleasure.  I realized how much I missed being inside her. How much I miss her. “Y/N, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for this. I missed you” I saw her smile for me for the first time since I saw her today. He reached up to me and kissed my mouth. I thrusted into her faster and deeper earning loud moans from her. “Faster! oh, I’m so close baby” she said almost out of breath as she dug her nails on to my back which I’m pretty sure would leave marks and buried her face on my neck biting it. “Cum for me bebe, like you used to” and with that she let herself go. The sight of her trembling beneath me with her eyes shut, screaming my name, telling me she loves me was enough for to send me over the edge. I collapsed on top her. Trying to calm down my beating heart. She kissed my shoulder and gently run her fingers up and down my spine. I kissed the tip of her nose in return as I slowly pulled out of her. We made love and it got me smiling like an idiot.

I held her all night. I couldn’t get enough of her. I couldn’t let her go I’m scared that if I did, I would wake up tomorrow and she’d be gone again. The room was so quiet all you can hear is our breathing and our beating hearts. I laid here thinking I’m a one lucky son of a bitch. I knew Y/N was the one for me. I am so sure that it’s her who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know what it feels like to lose her I almost died by the way and I won’t let that happen again. I looked down at her lifted her chin up and kissed her softly.

“te quiero mucho” I felt my heart flutter when she said those words. I released her from my grip and reached on my side table leaving her confused. “Baby, No, where are you going?” I didn’t answer and pulled out a small box I bought for her months ago before things went to shit. Nervous as ever, I faced her again.

“Y/N will you marry me?”

“Yes!”

--

That’s it guys. I wasn’t sure about the ending... but here we are. haha!  P.S. Don’t settle for anything less. You deserve better. *wink* <3

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

The Sweetest Thing: Eight

The bell above the door rang and Bucky loped into the shop. His boots scuffing the tile were loud. At least to him but he tried not to look around self consciously. Behind the counter, Sarah was looking bored and idly tapping a pencil against her book. It made Bucky smile a little. The shop was empty, mostly. The little tables only had one other occupant. A little old lady enjoying a cookie and a cup of coffee. 

It seemed, the cold and damp outside were keeping a lot of people away. Not that Bucky could blame them. It made his shoulder ache and where is metal arm joined to his flesh, it burned slightly. The weight of the arm more noticeable than it might be otherwise. 

“Hey, kid,” he said smiling a little. 

“Hey,” she said, “Can I help you?”

 “Yeah,” he said pulling out his wallet, “Can I get a snickerdoodle and some coffee?” He knew it was all delicious. And that your cakes were the best, but really he was here to try and get you to get a coffee with him... and while he didn’t doubt Sarah could handle something more complicated he figured he’d cut her some slack. 

She was up off her stool and working on his order in a flash, asking about room for cream and sugar as she filled his cup. Bucky answered that just black was fine and nodded to himself. You had her well trained. She was chipper. And efficient. A good combination for a kid running a storefront. 

“Is your Aunt around?” he asked handing her the five and change before putting a few singles into the tip jar. 

“She’s in the back,” Sarah said nodding, “She’s making cupcakes.”

“Cupcakes huh?” he asked, “Sounds important.”

“It’s a bakery,” she said, blinking at him slowly.

Bucky grins. You’d given him that same look before. It was funny then, and it’s funny now. “Yeah, I got that much,” he said, taking his coffee.

The bell on the door behind him rings and he steps out of the way going to take a seat at a table. 

“Dad!” Sarah said, “You’re early.”

The man, Bucky notes, is tall. Tall and muscular but built slender. Blonde with green eyes. And he could pick out a few similarities in facial structure. And your eyes. That filled in a few pieces for him. 

“Well yeah,” he said, walking easily around the counter to hug his daughter hello, “I missed my girls... Where is Y/N?”

“Baking, duh... She and Lanie are doing a party tomorrow,” Sarah said.

“Uh-huh,” he said nodding, “... You wanna go get her for me? Maybe remind her that it’s her birthday and she should probably NOT be making her own birthday cake. Again.”

Sarah giggled and flounced off back to the back, off to go deliver her messages and Bucky watched your brother help himself to a cup of coffee while he took up the post his kid had vacated. Bucky briefly considered going to introduce himself but, he wasn’t sure if that was acceptable. You hadn’t even told him today was your birthday.

That bothered him. He would have at least brought you flowers, but the sound of your voice out of the back didn’t leave him much time to ponder that.

“Micah,” you sigh, wiping your hands on your apron, “We talked about this. I told you I didn’t want a fuss.”

“And Sarah and I decided you needed a fuss,” He said folding his arms, “C’mon. Lanie and Ray can run the shop. It’s almost closing time anyway.”

“Pleeease,” Sarah pleaded, arms wrapping around your waist. 

“If it’s my birthday shouldn’t I get a say?” you protest. 

“Sorry,” Micah said, “You have a kid. Birthdays aren’t about you anymore.”

“Part-time kid,” You correct, ruffling Sarah’s hair affectionately.

“Fine, but I wanna change clothes first,” you sigh. 

“Deal,” Micah said yawning, “It’ll give me time to finish my coffee.”

_____________

Bucky watched as Sarah dragged you out the door and smiled a little. He’d be lying if he said watching all that and not announcing his presence felt a little creepy but. He’d gotten good at laying low. And going unnoticed. 

It was an underestimated ability, he decided. And that little piece of domesticity had both answered his questions and left him with more. He wanted to know. But first, he decided to send a text. He didn’t know if you’d answer it or not. Or if it crossed a line. But he couldn’t just not. Not now that he knew what the day was. 

Happy Birthday, Doll.

[pollylynn]

Title:  Trammel WC: 900

She’s thinking of having new business cards made: Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD—Emotional Cans Kicked Down the Road. She really is thinking about it, but for the moment, she’ll hold on to the one Kelly Nieman slapped down on the interrogation room table in front of her right before she disappeared for good. Yeah, she’ll keep this as a memento. And as a warning.

She has, for three years, thought about Jerry Tyson as someone else’s problem, emotionally speaking—as Ryan’s problem, as Castle’s, when it comes to what might have been that first night in that dismal hotel room. Professionally, she’s wanted him as bad as any cop. Worse, when she thinks of Roy Montgomery going to his grave with 3XK hanging over him, along with everything else. But emotionally . . .

Even with what went down last year, she hasn’t owned the emotional part. Even knowing how deeply that repugnant waste of skin had invaded their lives, how close he had come to taking Castle from her, from Alexis, from Martha, and how deftly he had crafted exactly the situation to exploit their mutual vulnerabilities and take them both down—even with all that, she simply has not emotionally engaged with any of it. 

Until now. 

They have all lived through the night. They have put away the man who murdered Pam Hodges, Daniel Santos, and others they’re only just now able to count, to name. To say they had “caught” him would be overselling it, but they will put him away. In that light, they’ve emerged victorious. But it’s pretty pathetic light. 

They are wounded now, all of them. Ryan has never stopped carrying that weight. Castle has not, in three long years. And it’s no lighter now for the fact that Esposito and Lanie have been so directly touched by it. It’s no lighter because she, herself, is grappling with it at last. 

It’s the music. It’s the unnerving chromatic movement of a song she has known all her life, and the fact that it is nothing more than music that has brought her down is enraging. She wants it to be enraging, but truth be told, it’s simply devastating. 

She’s choked with paralyzing tears when the title phrase surfaces in the back of her mind at the most unexpected moments. When she’s running to the enraged beat of post-punk divas, when she’s whistling nonsense as she stands at the kitchen sink, scrubbing her few dishes, when she is exhausted and she just needs her mind to switch the hell off, the sway of strings and the lilt of Vera Lynn’s voice surfaces, and she is reduced to something worse than useless. 

Images of Lanie rise up. She hears the quaver in her best friend’s voice and recalls the way her fingers trembled as she tugged her scrubs down to reveal the tattoo. She hears the sound of Esposito’s fist slamming into a locker provides a percussive counterpoint, and even these things—even the terrible sights and sounds of people she loves suffering are little more than diversion tactics her mind throws up to avoid any kind of personalization of this. 

Because she is suffering, too. She is traumatized and she has been since last year at least. She is sick to the point of her vision going black when she thinks about how he hunted down Tessa Horton, sick when she wonders if he waited—if he actually waited—until she and Castle were together to make his move. 

Her whole body shakes uncontrollably as she remembers Castle emptying the clip of her back-up piece into Tyson, because she fell for his slumped-behind-the-wheel feint like a damned rookie. And she’s half out of her mind as she swings between wild conviction that he’s dead and washed out to sea and equal certainty that he’s alive and coming for everyone she loves. She’s all the way out of her mind when she realizes it doesn’t matter if he’s alive or dead, because Kelly Nieman is certainly still drawing breath somewhere, and that’s on her.

“It’s not on you.” His voice—his touch—is soft enough that he somehow it doesn’t startle her, though she’s sitting in darkness, drowning in her own thoughts. “It’s not, Kate.” 

“I hear it now,” she says. There’s a bleak smile on her face, though she doubts he can see it. “How unconvincing that sounds.”

“Not unconvincing. Hard to hear.” He settles on the couch next to her, ducking beneath the blanket she’s huddled under. “Blame is a kind of control. If I could have done something—if you could have done something—then someone could have. The alternative . . . the idea that there was nothing we could have done differently is terrifying.” 

“I’m sorry.” It comes out a threadbare whisper. She hides her face in her hands. “We never talked about it. I shut you down after the bridge, and it’s—“

“It’s awful.” He tugs at her wrists and brings her face to rest against his chest. “For you, too. I know it’s been awful.”

“And now it’s what?” She pulls back, swiping at her scalding-hot cheeks, furious with herself for falling apart on him. “Awful together?”

“Yeah.” His answer comes swiftly. It’s earnest and not at all calculated. “I think—for a while.” He claims her hands again. “But Kate, it’s so much better than awful alone.”  A/N: I guess the object is the music? This episode still unnerves me terribly. Hmm. 

images via homeofthenutty

[thisiswhatwereupagainst]

@shattered-catalyst asked me what underused female Marvel characters that I’d like to see in the RPC. I misread it as asking what underused female characters I would like to see in a canon Marvel story, and started making this list. Then I realized what they ACTUALLY asked me---and answered it HERE-- but since I had this list started I thought I would post it! As a note, I tried to overlook my own biases for whom *I* simply want to see back in action, versus if there’s actually story potential there that I think other fans would genuinely want to see. It’s also by no means complete/comprehensive, so if you think someone is missing and deserves to be on here---you’re probably right! Feel free to add to it! BLINDSPOT - Blindspot is a female member of Mystique’s Brotherhood who was friends with Rogue, and had the powers of memory manipulation. After several missions, Mystique decided to cut ties with her due to lack of trust. Blindspot left, but not without wiping herself out of Mystique and Rogue's memories first, as she always covered her tracks, which is why Rogue doesn’t remember her (actual reason is she was retconned in, she’s a 2000s creation) Years later, when Rogue had become an X-Men, they would come into conflict once more, as Blindspot wanted to ‘save” Rogue from Xavier’s “brainwashing”, but Rogue would still leave Blindspot with her X-uniform to remember her by. Blindspot is unique in having been a Brotherhood friend to Rogue, as she was never shown as close to any of the other members, and was also mysteriously immune to Rogue’s powers. I think Rogue fans might enjoy seeing her in a Rogue story again, and perhaps learning more about their time together. CATSEYE - I think ALL the Hellions were criminally underused, and I know from X-Men/comics discussion boards that there’s an audience for their return. Catseye seems to be the favorite in terms of who people found most interesting, and I agree. A girl who believes she’s a cat who can turn into a human form, rather than the reverse, is a really neat concept, not to mention Sharon had a charming personality with surprising depth for what little time she got. There’s a lot that could be done with her return, and I think she could totally be the lead in a revived Hellions story on Krakoa, or a story depicting their time as Frost’s students at the Massachusetts Academy. CORDELIA FROST - Look, everyone loves Emma Frost, I think it’d be easy to get people interested in a Cordelia story. Not to mention the fact that like...Adrienne is dead, Christian was institutionalized, but Cordelia has been running around this whole time. She seems to have had some big plans once upon a time, what happened to that? Nothing ever came of it. Why not? What’s she been up to all this time? Also, we should finally get to see what kind of powers she has! I’ve seen it quoted around the Internet that Emma claims Cordy is “the Professor Xavier of empaths” but I’ve not only never seen the source for where she says this, she’s never demonstrated ANY kind of powers in canon, besides Emma not being able to read her mind. I would like to see what the “subtle, dark, and devious” Frost baby gets up to! DARKSTAR - Darkstar is a mutant and she’s been present in the comics since 1976. She’s been a member of X-Corps, as well as served in the Champions with Angel and Iceman back in the day. Yet her loyalty (coughBRAINWASHINGcough) has always brought her back to serving Mother Russia first and foremost. We saw recently though that Russia has gone back to its “All mutants serve the State or die!” position, and not allowing its mutants to go to Krakoa. It’s pretty easy to work Darkstar into a story about that, and finally exploring the way she was deeply conditioned to the point her “choice” to serve her country is probably anything but, and coming to terms with that at last. I’d really like to see a story like this, because Darkstar is kind of unique in that her brainwashing wasn’t a dramatic trauma-conga full of torture and abuse, she actually seems to have been treated well, she was just also kidnapped as a baby and never knew anything else. I think it’s about time we get a story that shows abuse doesn’t always “look like abuse” and how denial of someone’s agency can run so deep that their own choices that they THINK they’re making of their own free will, really are products of that. Also, her story could be an easy way to get my STARLIGHT fix, and FANTASMA on top of that. Remember, Fantasma was banished to Limbo, and pulled Starlight in after her. Why WOULDN’T Darkstar want to go rescue her teammate? And there’s a member of the X-Men who is mistress of Limbo and can open portals there, it’s totally easy! Darkstar enlists Magik (who has a huge fan following, and thus would get people interested) to guide her through Limbo so they can find Starlight and bring her home, but on the way they run afoul of Fantasma! Who, being a Dire Wraith sorceress, makes a great foe for Magik! PHANTAZIA - During 1990s, Toad struck out on his own and formed his own Brotherhood, which consisted of several old faces---Pyro, Blob, and Sauron (despite Sauron not being a mutant)---and a new one, the woman known as Phantazia, aka Eileen Harsaw. Phantazia had the power to manipulate electromagnetic energy fields. This allowed her to fly, disrupt machinery, and  disrupt the bioelectric energy fields and nervous systems of other living beings as well, resulting in pain, paralysis, loss of physical coordination, and in the case of superhumans, the inability to control their powers, causing them to fluctuate in strength, cease functioning altogether, or spew out uncontrollably. Not much is known about her personality, but she seems to have been well-educated, as Blob refers to her as “Ms. PhD” and tended to stay out of the arguments between her male teammates, ignoring them while she read books on scientific subjects, such as astrophysics. . She also displayed loyalty, such as when she also opted to stay with her teammates when only she among them was invited to Magneto’s new mutant sanctuary of Avalon. Alas, Eileen met a wicked fate---for some reason, she was one of the few mutants to retain their memories of the “House of M” reality shift, and the shifting back and forth drove her insane. She was last seen in a S.H.I.E.L.D. custody cell, babbling “House of M” over and over. I think Eileen was interesting. She had a cool powerset, hints of a personality, and was never much of a “bad guy” certainly not enough to deserve what happened to her. Female Brotherhood members are also pretty rare, so she catches my eye for that too. I like to think Xavier found her and fixed her mind, and she’s going to hang out with her old pals Pyro, Blob, and Toad on Krakoa. HAVEN - I’ve been yelling about her on this blog for like 5 years, but if you’re not familiar with her, Radha Dastoor aka Haven was a villain who ran a cult dedicated to bringing about the end of the world as we know it in order to usher in a golden age of peace. She only did this, however, because she was being possessed by a demon. Her real self was a kind, charitable woman who was just all about feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, and, as it happens, advocating for mutants. Though it had little to do with her villainy, Haven still found time to be a demon-posessed super-terrorist AND write books promoting mutant/human peace and give lectures condemning bigotry. She seems like someone who SHOULD have gotten saved from said demon, but no, she dies alone in the mud after being victim-blamed by a Marvel deity. Her entire arc is really misogynistic, she’s only possessed because she had sex once and then got pregnant, she’s basically punished for breaking the purity taboos of her culture once, and it’s also pretty...racist isn’t the right word, but she’s the first Indian and Hindu character in the X-Men comics, and a lot of her terrorist philosophy fed to her by the demon comes from actual Hinduism, which has unfortunate implications, as does the fact that the “brown woman with a funny religion ended up being a terrorist just like the government said so X-Factor attacking her before they were sure of this is okay” was part of her story. Eesh. Anyway, she was a very good person and an interesting character, I think bringing her back as someone trying to do good in the world again as a human ally to mutants while also dealing with what happened to her and what she did and her loss of 20 years of agency to possession, would be a good story. I at least want to see a cameo of her taking care of a bunch of orphan and refugee kids who are a mix of mutants, Inhumans, Warpies, aliens, and humans. LORELEI - Lorelei is another little-known woman from the Brotherhood of Mutants, and unique in that she’s NOT a mutant. At one point, Magneto used a machine to mutate members of the native tribes in the Savage Land, giving them super-powers. These Savage Land Mutates served him in their homeland, fighting the X-Men at his command, but he left them behind when he returned back to the rest of the world...all save Lorelei, who he took with him for his new Brotherhood, citing a possible “Pygmalion complex” for why. Lorelei was a beautiful blonde woman who could control men with her voice. However, she seems to have a childlike intellect, as she speaks very simply and in the third person, and doesn’t really seem aware of what she’s doing or why she’s being told by Magneto to do it. It’s a really worrying dynamic, and I also worry about Lorelei once Magneto just...kinda ditched her, I guess, and left her with Unus, Blob, and the Vanisher. Then she turns up back in the Savage Land serving yet another bad guy. Lorelei--or Lani Ubanu, as seems to be her name before Magneto transformed her--comes off as an unaware innocent that just gets constantly picked up and used by greater villains because she doesn’t know any better, and given that this is because of the powers Magneto gave her, I’d like to see that come back and have him take responsibility for her. And if she’s NOT as unaware and innocent as she seems, I’d like to see that, because she’s been around since 1969 and she doesn’t have a personality and she barely speaks! Flesh this girl out! MADELYNE PRYOR - I feel like this one is cheating a bit, because I’m not sure I’d say Maddy is under-used. She’s seen more action just this decade than all the others on this list saw in their entire careers COMBINED. It’s more than she’s just...not used well, in my opinion. 2000s writers generally seem to forget that her stint as the Goblyn Queen came from being infected by demonic energy and also insane (for VERY understandable reasons), and seem to think she’s just evil on her own. Not to mention they take all the depth out of her; she’s a character with a full personality of her own and some very fucked up struggles that she was not to blame for, but that all gets boiled down to “Scott’s sexy evil ex who is mad he left her so now she trounces around in skimpy clothes she never actually wore when she wasn’t possessed because EVIL LADIES ARE SEXY CUZ FEMALE SEXUALITY IS EVIL” and it’s just....u g h. When Maddy was herself, she actually was very heroic, to the point she sacrificed her life to save the world (her FIRST death, which everyone forgets). But she also has good reason to be really angry and bitter at the X-Men, and I don’t see her letting go of that even when she’s back in her right mind. So I think depicting her as an anti-hero, who saves innocent people yet works against the X-Men, would be a neat story, with the ultimate conclusion being her letting go of her grudge, not for THEIR sake but for HERS, to not have her be tethered to them any longer, not even by hate, and finally live a life that is HERS. MISS SINISTER - So, Miss Sinister is NOT Nathaniel Essex in a lady suit. She’s actually an entirely different person, and actually has a very sympathetic situation. She’s a woman named Claudine Renko, whom Mr. Sinister injected with a virus containing his own DNA. The idea was that in the event of his death, the virus would activate in her or one of his other test subjects, transforming them into Sinister complete with his consciousness replacing their own. But when it activated in Claudine after Sinister’s apparent (but in fact only temporary) death in the “Messiah Complex” story, Claudine did not become possessed by Mr. Sinister nor become him---not exactly. She became essentially a female clone of him, gaining aspects of his appearance (such as the chalk white skin) as well as his telepathic powers. He might also be how she got her wicked personality, but since we don’t know anything about her prior to this, that could just be how she was already. But she also suffered invasive memories of Essex's life, and that as a malignant presence within her mind, he was slowly killing her as a means of self-resurrection. He even managed to manifest briefly before being re-absorbed back into her. It was for this reason that she wanted to switch bodies with X-23, thus gaining Laura's healing factor, something she had wanted after her stabbing, and thereby freeing herself of Essex. The plan backfired when Essex took control of Laura's body and used her to mortally wound Claudine. Laura managed to overcome Essex's presence in her mind, expelling it through force of will. She was next seen working with Emma Frost on using The Mothervine, though Emma ended up turning on her. I remember feeling bad for Claudine when I read her story with X-23. Having someone else trying to take over your body is a pretty good motive for doing something as evil as trying to steal someone else’s, while also being inexcusable to do. It’s unlikely she was a willing subject for Sinister, so she probably isn’t to blame for what happened to her, but is to blame for her actions after, which is the kind of villain I like. Also, while she’s usually in lingerie ala a Black Queen of the Hellfire Club, she wore a really cute little normal outfit in a story with Sebastian Shaw and Daken...which ironically is when she actually was Black Queen! I’d like to see more of Claudine, and find out more about her story and who she was before all this, and whether or not she’s REALLY free of Sinister, as she seems to be now. After all...is anyone ever free of him? Bonus if she teams up with Madelyne Pryor! NOCTURNE - No not TJ Wagner, THIS LADY! I don’t think anyone (except me) is hoping for her return, as I don’t think anyone else really knows about her, but Spider-Man stuff is still popular so there’s no reason she couldn’t come back and have a prominent role in that. I really hope they go with the interpretation that she’s gay, since now is a time that they can actually have that open instead of coded, but more than just the representation of a gay WOC (which is awesome) I really am interested in her adjustment and journey into her new identity, and in particular her communication via empathy powers rather than speech. That really intrigues me about her. I think she could become very compelling and popular if brought back and handled well, perhaps in a story that brings back other neglected characters in the Spider franchise as well. SAT-YR-9 - Okay, so in the Captain Britain/Excalibur comics of the 80s, there was a woman named Courtney Ross. She was a banker and Captain Britain’s ex, and she became a side character, having adventures with the team and even besting none other than ARCADE through STAND UP COMEDY. Then one night, a version of her from another universe emerged in apartment, killed her, and took her place. This evil counterpart was Sat-Yr-9, who had been a cruel dictator in homeworld, and has been running around doing evil in 616 since while masquerading as Courtney. Captain Britain discovered the ruse and vowed revenge...but has yet to really do anything, probably because Sat-Yr-9 herself really hasn’t done anything since either. She popped up for a brief moment in the 2000s as the new White Queen of the Hellfire Club, but that’s it. I would like to see more of her, in that role or outside it. Given her connection to both the Hellfire Club and to Kitty (whom she was grooming under the guise of “Courtney Ross” and seemed to have big plans for, as well as some mysterious connection to that was never explained) I think she’d be great for the Marauders series. Or in the new “Excalibur” series that stars Psylocke as the new Captain Britain! I also think there would be interest in a story that finally resolves her murder of Courtney and shows Brian finally at least TRYING to make her pay, I still see it talked about on Marvel boards how unsatisfying and frustrating it is that Brian vowed revenge DECADES ago and has yet to do anything about it, and how much of a waste that makes Courtney’s death (Courtney was surprisingly popular with fans even to this day due to how she handled Arcade, it instantly endeared them to her...and then that’s RIGHT when she got killed off, literally the evening after) Maybe Betsy is the one who finally gets her at last! THRENODY - I think that Threnody’s coming back in the recent Deadpool series revived enough interest to justify bring her back yet again, and I think her baby being killed, however monstrous it was, means that fans are probably ready to see her get a happy ending for once. I know I sure am. ZALADANE - Zaladane was a personal villain to Polaris, and given that Polaris has never really had a book that was about her (as far as I know, I’m far from a Lorna expert) I think bringing her back as the bad guy for a Lorna solo series would be cool. I also would like it resolved if she’s Lorna’s sister or not. It seems to add up at the time it was written, but changes to Lorna’s backstory continuity since make it impossible. I think that a suitably comic-booky explanation could work for that, such as “she *is* Lorna’s sister but from another dimension, not 616, and also that explains how/why she’s in the Savage Land” or something like that. Plus it satisfies both the people who think she is and who think she isn’t.

[tinkasbell]

TASK 005 -- WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR !

2017: easily the worst year tinka has lived through, and she spent fifteen years in foster care. her life was completely pulled out from under her and she was stuck trying to figure things out for herself. peter was acting more off than usual which led to his eventual disappearance from carthay. her options were to stick with the darlings and the lost boys or be on her own. she would’ve chosen the lost boys if they weren’t falling apart at the seams. she didn’t realize just how hard life would be without peter pan there to lead them all. besides, she was too overwhelmed to properly help the group in any way.

2018: the year of growth. tinka has never been one for resolutions, but she really was hoping for a new year, new me transformation. she wanted to be the bright girl she once was. she wanted to be less dependent on peter. she wanted to make a name for herself. no one else attached. she rekindled with iriana, rose, vidia, fawn, silver, and terence in the new year. with this came personal growth. she remembered how to have fun, how to act around girls ( ones she liked, no less ), and how important close friends are. becoming the new tinka bell would have been impossible without their support the whole way. with their help, tinka is learning how to deal with and work through her emotions, how to move on from someone who isn’t coming back, and how to comfort someone else who may be in need.

2019: tinka hopes this will be the year people recognize her as an individual instead of one of peter’s followers. she’s working towards making new relationships with people and hoping to be kinder. she also wants to fully understand her emotions and work on her jealousy, which is much easier said than done-- especially when there’s not currently anything for her to be jealous of. she’s contemplating fixing her relationship with wendy darling, but deep down some part of her still blames wendy for this whole mess. that’s something she needs to work on, but she’s not currently acknowledging it at the moment.

PLAYLIST UNDER THE CUT !

I. YOU SHOULD BE HERE -- KEHLANI.

I'm looking right at you, but you're not there / I'm seeing right past you, but you seem well aware / Your body is here but your mind is somewhere else / So far gone and you think I can't tell -- nobody knows peter pan quite like tinka bell does. she always knew he was itching to leave carthay, and something was seeming off about him. he was never a fully present kind of guy, but he was feeling especially distant. tinka would always offer a penny for his thoughts, but he’d tell her it was nothing. that he was just thinking of his next great prank. tinka is not stupid, but she doesn’t feel it’s too important to push the issue.

II. SOMEBODY ELSE -- THE 1975.

You're intertwining your soul with somebody else / I'm looking through you / While you're looking through your phone / And then leaving with somebody else -- it’s no secret that tensions are high when wendy is around the group. tinka absolutely despises the other girl and just how close she’s getting with peter, and she can tell peter is getting closer to her as well. tinka has argued with peter time and time again over his closeness with wendy but all he does is laugh at how angry she gets. nothing changes and she’s stuck watching him connect and get closer with someone else.

III. TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME -- THE 1975.

I only called her one time / Maybe it was two times? / I don't think it was three times / It can't be more than four times / I think we need to rewind / You text that boy sometimes / Must be more than three times -- after each argument, peter reassures tinka that she will always be his best friend and that he has no plan on replacing her. every time the wendy argument comes up, he uses terence as his defence. if he can be your friend, why can’t she be mine? tinka doesn’t quite think it’s the same thing, but peter swears it is. he calls her hypocritical until she puts the issue to rest.

IV. THE NIGHT WE MET -- LORD HURON.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do / Haunted by the ghost of you / Oh, take me back to the night we met -- peter pan has left town and told tinka not to come with him. she misses when things weren’t so complicated. when they were just kids. when they first met and had their whole lives ahead of them. now, everything is tainted by memories the two of them shared. not only hangman’s tree, but the lost boys and all their adventures around town. sometimes it feels like there’s nothing that won’t remind her of peter.

V. I HAVE QUESTIONS -- CAMILA CABELLO.

I gave you all of me / My blood, my sweat, my heart, and my tears / Why don't you care, why don't you care? / I was there, I was there, when no one was / Now you're gone, and I'm here -- tinka gave her all to be peter’s best friend. she ditched her original friend group and made his life her life. her whole identity was not tinka bell but instead peter pan’s sidekick. she always stuck by his side and defended him when it came down to it. but now, he’s gone and her identity has left with him.

VI. MALIBU NIGHTS -- LANY.

I drink myself to sleep, who cares? / No one even has to know / I'm dealing with it on my own -- now that peter is gone, tinka feels she has no one. if the one person she trusted most in the world can just leave so easily, who's to say anyone else won’t leave just as easily? besides, tinka has never been filled with so many emotions. she doesn’t know how to handle them, and she doesn’t want to look weak. she had been dubbed peter’s stubborn and hardheaded sidekick her whole life. what would people say if they could see her now?

I feel my body giving up / Can I hold on for another night? / What do I do with all this time? -- tinka had never questioned her identity until she was left on her own. life no longer felt like something to put effort into because look where it got her. all that she had ever done and worked for was suddenly gone and she was left to deal with the emptiness. her days were spent with peter and the lost boys but the lost boys were falling apart quickly. tinka had previously agreed to be slightly’s sidekick if peter ever left, but none of them ever expected him to do so. with no group to go back to, her schedule is suddenly wide open and she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

VII. NO TEARS LEFT TO CRY -- ARIANA GRANDE.

Right now, I'm in a state of mind / I wanna be in like all the time / Ain't got no tears left to cry -- months have gone by and absolutely no word from peter. tinka is starting to accept the fact that he may be gone for good, and she’s tired of moping around. she was a functional person before she met him and she will continue to be a functioning member of society now that he’s gone. she’s tired of throwing herself a pity party and ready to rise from the ashes.

VIII. MOST GIRLS -- HAILEE STEINFELD.

Most girls are smart and strong and beautiful / Most girls work hard, go far, we are unstoppable / Most girls, are fighting back everyday, no two are the same / I wanna be like, I wanna be like most girls -- becoming the old tinka would have been absolutely impossible without her girl gang by her side. she knew she blew them off but they happily welcome her back with open arms. they’re a gang full of large personalities and she’s absolutely grateful for each and every one of them. the group wouldn’t work as well as it does without any member, and she recognizes that. they each bring something special to the table and she hopes she can be half as amazing as she finds them all to be. there’s no better group to get her back on her feet than the squad that was there before peter ever was.

IX. HOMEMADE DYNAMITE -- LORDE, KHALID, SZA, & POST MALONE.

We're way too far from home / Let's be honest with ourselves / We're way too high to drive / So let's take on the night / If the light is in the air / Open, finally, we're goin' and we're free -- there’s nothing more likely to get tinka back on track than fun nights with the girls and terence. tinka has always been a fan of mindless car rides where they all add songs to a playlist and just drive around, updating each other on their lives. hearing what is going on in everyone else’s lives distracts her from what is going on in her own. plus, it’s rare the gang is all in one place at one time.

X. THE LIFE -- FIFTH HARMONY.

Give it up for the kids, eating good, getting lit / Living life, feeling rich, this is the life / We the best in the biz, breaking off, betting chips / Living life, feeling rich -- the initial shock has disappeared. peter is gone, but she doesn’t care. she’s got her day one squad by her side and they’re stronger than ever. she no longer feels like she’s missing peter and that’s okay. she’s got a good group around her and together they are even more unstoppable than peter and the lost boys ever were.

XI. NEW RULES -- DUA LIPA.

My love, he makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else / But my love, he doesn't love me, so I tell myself, I tell myself -- however, getting over someone is never as easy as it seems. tinka goes through phases where she wonders where peter is. is he doing alright? is he safe? is he alive? he was her best friend, she can’t help but worry. he gave her some of the greatest memories of her life. but he told her not to come with him, and that’s what brings her back to reality.

XII. THANK U, NEXT -- ARIANA GRANDE.

Look what you taught me / And for that, I say / Thank you, next / Thank you, next / Thank you, next / I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex -- as much as tinka wishes she could hate peter for all the pain he caused her, it’s absolutely impossible for her to mutter those words. he made the majority of her life incredible and gave her experiences she would never have had on her own. instead of being angry that he’s gone, she’s come to accept that her time with peter, while temporary, was a blessing.

Spend more time with my friends / I ain't worried 'bout nothin' / Plus, I met someone else / We havin' better discussions / I know they say I move on too fast / But this one gon' last / 'Cause her name is Ari Tinka / And I'm so good with that -- tinka is finally beginning to find herself outside of peter pan and even outside of her girl squad. belonging to groups has always pushed tinka into roles, but reconnecting with the girls and terence reminds her of her likes and dislikes and emphasizes the possibility to clash with certain personalities but still get along with them. while she’s still not one hundred percent there, she’s working on being more in touch with her emotions ( which she’s never been very good at ).

[toleeedoooo]

A Truth To Your Truth

Here is a little truth for your own truth Lani Jane. Or maybe a little truth for your rapist friend as well.  You have been hurt many times in your lifetime. You also have your own way of dealing with things. None of which anyone has had a problem with. You have people that tell you that its okay, and guide you through it as if it really were okay.  Lets consider the fact that you think she spends her days on this, or maybe its actually bothering her? but well, what would you know. After the little talk we all agreed to “mind our own business”. And honestly, I thought that would be true. Of course the question comes to mind as to why Evelyn took it to social media again? Well, she isn’t over the fact that her best friend almost raped her. And maybe she isn’t over the fact that you basically blamed her for Eric trying what he did. Who knows? I do know however, that she really does want it out of her head. Venting to me or her friends usually never help as much as its supposed to. But that’s okay, everyone is there and understands that a rape situation is hard to get over.  But that’s all it ever is. She’s mad that Eric Hernandez tried to take advantage of her. Lani, you are not as important to her story as you think you are. Do you need an example? The tweet from Eric Hernandez, Word for Word- “That ‘genuine’ person you speak so highly of said you ruined his life, and left you at a restaurant crying. SOOO genuine....” Now, does that sound like an attack on Evelyn? or an attack on me and what I said and did? To me it sounds like hes bashing me, and also of course- if he cares about Evelyn, why would he bash her? He wasn’t. But even though it clearly wasnt about her and about how toxic she is, or even about you really, you decided to quote his tweet attacking HER, even though he wasnt doing that in the first place. Yet you decided to tweet: “The audacity of them tryna manipulate others and make u look bad still bc they cant move on with their life”  You felt the need to attack her even though Eric was clearly shitting on ME. Well first of all its hard to move on from almost getting raped and people making him feel okay for it. He will never truly know what he did no matter what. You can tell by the fact he LET YOU comment on his posts further bashing her.  And that is whats most concerning. Lani I know you are okay with forgiving people who commit and try to commit rape, since it happened to you apparently, but not everyone is the same. Just like how you said you are not responsible for Eric, the same goes for Evelyn and how she wants to vent to twitter. I honestly don’t know if Evelyn will ever get over it, but im not gonna rush her or. I’ve also talked to her countless times; anger, sadness, happiness, all of it were incorporated in our talks and me putting her in check. You don’t know how many countless hours I stayed up making Evelyn write her wrongs, so before you can say I cater to her maybe you should really think about my stance on everything.  Now let me tell you where a lot of things differ between your way of life and hers. Evelyn and Steven have had an amazing level of communication, and im sorry all of your information come from Rapist Hernandez, but he wont tell you everything. Evelyn has told Steven many times that she wanted to end it and wanted to do her own thing. She made it very clear that the distance is hard on her. She blatantly told even STEVEN, that she wanted to find someone else. Some people cannot handle distance. Some people cannot handle time. But she didn’t want be another “Dear John” so she spoke up about EVERYTHING. Even then, Steven didn’t want to let her go, and even told her she COULD do whatever she wants. You’re right about that. But this was waaaaay before she even had anything to do with me. See, now that made me feel like a SHITTY person. ON TOP of all the other things that were going on with me at the time. So the cutting you’re talking about is not correlated to what Evelyn was putting me through, it was an internal conflict between me and what the fuck I was doing. I could’ve left, I could’ve stopped being friends with Evelyn, but I didn’t and I had no clue why I was putting myself through all the shit I was in. But as the relationship with me and her grew stronger, the one with her and Steven became less. Did Pedro and Myrna communicate? Did Myrna know about Pedro’s intentions? No. And you felt bad because you knew she knew nothing. I felt bad because I was getting in the way of something beautiful. Maybe we both are piece of shit homewreckers? but to categorize them because you want them both to be cheaters is astounding. She was very vocal about wanting out and Steven was too nice about it. And at this point they both knew and came to an agreement, and are still the best of friends. And that’s how they ended.  Now, in my opinion, the hurt that is personal between you two has stemmed because you two USED to care about each other. And honestly none of that shit is my concern. I could even be wrong about that too. With how you two approached each other in the past, and how talking between you two weren’t the best. Who knows. I DO know now that the hate is pretty strong. but the boundaries back then were still in tact. At least on my side. Here’s the reason why Evelyn threatened Eric. Do you know how many girls Eric has made feel uncomfortable? or how many times he has lied to other people about women? how he used Evelyns body to make it seem like he was getting some? None of that has ever happened and other girls went to Evelyn telling them their story. She didn’t want you to be the next victim. Now you’re probably thinking that is too hard to believe. But its true. He has played nice guy with so many people, she didn’t want you to be another person that falls for his shit. I even told Evelyn to just drop it and let whatever happens, happen. Whether you get hurt or not at this point started to become less of my concern. I convinced her however not to say shit to you, but that didn’t stop her from saying shit to Eric. It wasn’t hard either with all his manipulation and gaslighting.  And of course Eric will continue to tell you inaccurate shit, and probably apologize for it later with the real information. You and me had a falling out because we were both hurt and couldn’t be there for each other. I also strongly believe it was more so my fault. Its common in that situation for you to miss me and bring it out during vents. But Eric has no business being sad after what he did. after what Evelyn has told him about her previous assaults. Eric tried to have sex with her inebriated body. To stray away from someone like him wasn’t a lack off communication or time, it was on purpose. The heart to heart you and him had were in no way the same considering the people it was about in the first place. I never tried to rape you. I never took advantage of your drunk body. It was just another way for him to receive another sympathy vote. I DO believe however that he actually meant to vent. He actually DID have demons to let out. The problem here is that you listened to a rapist and failed to see Evelyns hurt, as SHE failed to see yours. And it is true- No person on this earth deserves an explanation-  And yes you and Evelyn suck at talking in general, but then why the fuck would you even say to Evelyn “you know how you get when you’re drunk”? Everything replays in her head. I, too, replay in her head. All the hurt replays in her head and she doesn’t know how to cope with it just yet. I’m sorry things were taken the wrong way, and I’m sorry I can’t control much anymore. I can tell Evelyn again to just mind her business, and I could tell you the same thing, again. But it is her business. And it is your business now too. Her main anger is towards Eric, and how he and everyone else who take advantage will get off scot-free. I know you feel the need to lash out when she mentions your name, and I can’t blame you because I did think it would stay quiet from now on. I’m not going to sit here and tell you to just ignore it, or try to gain your sympathy vote either, but you aren’t there. You’re not as significant as you think you are in all of this. You’re not there when shes crying her eyes out to me. It’s not fake tears and fake breathing. It’s not a fake red face and bloated eyes. You’re not there when she has flashbacks during intercourse. Her hurt and her coping is not something everyone can agree with. But unlike you she can’t just forgive people who try to rape her. The hurt in all of this is very valid, and I don’t know where it is going to go from here.  But she didn’t want anything to happen to you. She didn’t want anything to happen to Steven. And she most definitely does not want to remember getting raped every night. The way she copes with it IS through social media. And yes you are mentioned in there several times. There will never truly be an understanding of emotion. But I do know everyone needs to start getting their shit together, and accurately. 

[ninja-librarian]

List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or as little detail as you’d like. Then tag some friends to see what they’re working on: writing, art, gifsets, whatever.

I was tagged by @radioactivepeasant

Alright, so, we’ve got...

Alien Uprising Part 3, Alien Ultimatum: The final part of the Tokyo Mew Mew fanfiction series I have been working on for five years now. The Tokyo Defenders are on a time crunch in the weeks leading up to the Summer Solstice to find the last two elements that will allow them to defeat Mylo and his team. And now that they know that Deep Blue is back from the dead, the stakes are even higher than before. There’s drama and angst, but also two chapters that are more or less a Ouran High School Host Club parody so... Yeah, it’s a lot of things. (On Fanfiction.net; username: Soccer-Geek)

The Rival: Alternate Season 2 for Voltron: Legendary Defender and predominately fueled by various pre-Season 2 headcanons. Centers around a rivalry between Pidge and the boy who is the reason they got caught hacking into the Garrison: Shiro’s younger brother, Shinji. Now, after a sudden trip back to Earth for the Paladins to defend their home, Shinji--along with Tali, the engineer from Matt and Shiro’s team back at the Garrison, and Lani, Hunk’s childhood best friend who runs a blog about Voltron--has joined Team Voltron in space to defend the universe. Oh, and Shiro is the only one in the Castle who has absolutely no idea about Pidge and Shinji’s rivalry. Awkward. (On AO3--as Ninja_Librarian--and Fanfiction.net--as Soccer-Geek)

Just Like Magic: Voltron: Legendary Defender college AU fic that centers around Muggle Quidditch. Shidge slow-burn. (Before anyone says anything or comes at me with a pitchfork, this is an AU, so characters have been aged up and down appropriately for this fic.) Shiro wears a different nerdy t-shirt practically every chapter, and also has a cat named Captain Jean Luc Purr-Card. Pidge tries to be healthy and exercise, an effort that almost always tries to kill her. The Galra are still jerks. Slav is there and more or less breaks the fourth wall on a regular basis. (On AO3; username: Ninja_Librarian)

Era of Destiny: Original novel. Every generation, there are thirteen powerful enchantresses called Jewels and known by their unmistakable eye colors and talents. They are peace-keepers, and help protect the Magic world from the Non-magic world. They are ordinary, every day teenagers bound together by fate and destiny. Except... This Era is different. Every few generations, there is a Nox Jewel who wields the powers of Sorcerers. Usually, it is one of the least powerful Jewels who bears this curse. However, this time, it is a very powerful Jewel, the second-most powerful. And, worse, the magic world is turning on the Jewels for reasons unknown. War is brewing from an unknown source. And the person behind it is determined to pin the blame on the Jewels...

Works on Hiatus:

Girl with a Porpoise: A Tokyo Mew Mew AU where Lettuce is the leader instead of Ichigo and Pie arrived on Earth first. Features a nifty little love triangle between Lettuce, Pie, and Ryou. Will hopefully get worked on/updated this fall. (On FF.Net)

Blindsided: A post-canon Tokyo Mew Mew Gurple fic where Pie is blinded in an accident. Extremely slow burn. Unsure if story will be completed due to author hating her writing in comparison to other works. (On FF.Net)

Upcoming Stuff:

Lance-centric One Shot: A one-shot featuring headcanons about everyone’s favorite Blue Paladin for his birthday in July.

A 5 Times Fic: A VLD fic I’m working to prepare for posting. Basically, five times the Paladins surprised their families back on Earth, and the one time their families surprised them. Will be alternately fluffy and angsty.

Vibrant Souls: TMM AU Gurple fic. Inspired by OTP prompts here on tumblr. Pie has always been colorblind and his parents told him that he’ll be able to see in color once he finds his soulmate. The older Pie gets, the more he stops believing that this is a possibility. Until on the first day of his third year of high school, he is nearly run over by a klutzy first year with green hair and blue eyes--colors he can suddenly see--and he realizes she’s his soulmate. The problem? She’s crushing on her classmate, Ryou Shirogane. He has exactly one school year to get her to fall in love with him.

The Rival Prequel: The story of how Keith’s parents met.

And a few other one-shots for both TMM and VLD, as well as some other original pieces.

I tag @orcaspanielmermaids, @angelitalysrg and @peacefulcraze

[cobigbluebox]

Forgiveness (A 4x01 Rise AU) (x-posted from FF.net)

It felt like time stopped. He only remembered bits and pieces of what happened, flashes of events occurring around him: the flash from between the tombstones; her falling; the blood pouring from the hole in her chest that shouldn't be there. His whispered confession to her: "I love you, Kate! Kate, I love you!" The ride in the ambulance; the blood on his hands. He remembers Josh screaming at him, punching him, telling him it was his fault. That it was because of him the monsters nearly killed her. He took Josh's beating, not lifting a finger to defend himself. He told himself he deserved it, that this was his penance. It was only when Josh shoved Alexis that he retaliated; pinning Josh against the wall by the throat, ready to kill him for what he did to his daughter. It took Jim, Ryan and Esposito to break them apart, Jim sending her boyfriend packing. But when he turned around and saw their faces, he knew then that Josh had it wrong. The monsters weren't the men that nearly killed Kate: he was. The blood on his hands proved it, to him most of all.

XXXXXXXXXX

He packs to leave the city. He can't be around anyone, not after what he did. Jim tells him it wasn't his fault, that no one blames him for what happened to Kate, but he knows that isn't true. He blames himself for it. Every second of every day, he berates himself. Either for not being fast enough to stop the bullet, or for reopening the case that brought the wolves after her. Alexis is hurt that he's leaving; he can see it in her eyes and her body language. She tries to hide it, but he knows his own daughter well enough to know how hurt she feels. His mother hides it better, but not as well as she thinks. He knows Martha will look after Alexis, and that his daughter will not only be loved, but taken care of. The boys, Lanie, Martha…they all love her, and will watch after her. So he leaves the home he made, the people who love him behind. He doesn't look back.

XXXXXXXXXX

It's been months, and he hasn't seen or heard from anyone. He hasn't written a word since he arrived in this cabin that feels less like home, and more like a prison. He finds the thought comforting, since a prison is where he feels like he belongs. The blood on her hands, the confession of love knowing she was still with Motorcycle Boy, the monster he proved himself to be to everyone. These are the evidence he sees against himself, and he found himself guilty on all charges. But no court would take the case, no jury to convict him. Here, in the middle of the forest, he knows he has a prison to hold him, after the jury of himself found him guilty. Gina and Paula tried to call him, force him back to work on the books that only amplify his hypocrisy. He told them both in no uncertain terms he wasn't writing right now, and to kindly back off. Okay, maybe he wasn't as nice as he should be. Why not join everyone else, think he's a monster? He really should be having a set of horns sprouting from his head. Even the reflection in the mirror sees him as the monster he is. His reflection's lip curls up, the hatred in his eyes clear to see. He feels as if his reflection is right, since it really can't lie to him. At night, as he lies in bed, he replays the events of the shooting in his mind. The more he does, though, the more self-loathing piles on, until he finds himself trying to find some way to hurt himself, punish himself for what he did. This week's flavor is running. So here he is, finishing a brutal run by the lake. All to make sure he's hurting like hell when he finally rests.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Rick." The sound of his name startles him, and he jerks his hand back from the flames of the fire. He was debating how close to stick it, that talented hand of his that wrote so many best-sellers, to see if losing his livelihood would be enough to possibly balance the scales between them. He spun around, to see her standing in the doorway to the cabin. How did she find him? Why is she here? Is she here to flog him? Because if that's the case, he knows where there's a good whip stored-why is she smiling at him? Is that love in her eyes? Love for a monster like him? "Kate?" is all he can choke out, however.

She smiles again, nodding. It isn't a dream. "You were hard to track down, Castle," she says, stepping into the room. "Even Ryan had a hell of a time tracking anything from your financials and registration. I think we taught you too well."

He turns his back on her. He can't bear to see her, can't look at her and see love reflected back. She has to hate him. He needs her to hate him, as much as he hates himself. "Go away, Beckett," he says, his voice hitching. "Don't look at me."

"Why?" she asks. He doesn't need to be looking at her, to know she's frowning in confusion. The puzzlement in her voice is speaking volumes to him right now. "Castle, why did you run away and hide?" He can hear her footsteps coming around, trying to get in front of him. He can't let that happen. He has to keep his back to her, can't let her see the monster he's become. "Please go, Beckett," he whispers, the sorrow and self-loathing becoming clearer in his voice. "I don't want you to see the monster I've become."

"Monster? What monster?" she asks him. "Castle, what are you talking about?" He continues to keep his back to her, refuses to look at her. He can't do that and keep it together. His anger at himself since her shooting has been his constant companion for so long, it cannot and will not be denied. But neither will Kate Beckett, it seems. He feels her hand on his arm, as she attempts to turn him around. "Rick, stop it!" she says in what he calls the Cop Voice. "Stop turning your back on me, and start talking to me!"

"I can't let you love me," he says, as the tears begin to fall from his eyes. Oh, the number of tears he shed over here during his isolation is numerous, but the hate he has for himself kept them from falling for him. This time, though, he knows there won't be any way to keep them from falling for them.

"Why?" she asks him again, as she places a hand on his back, and begins rubbing soothing circles. "Because only you're allowed to love me? I can't love you back?"

"BECAUSE IT WAS MY FAULT!" he screams, whirling around to face her. This time, the beast shall not be denied its prize. And if seeing the monster is what she wants, then seeing the monster is what she shall get. "IT WAS MY FAULT YOU WERE EVEN SHOT TO BEGIN WITH!" He can feel the tears streaming down his cheeks, but he's powerless to stop them. He isn't even sure he wants to, anymore.

"Oh, Rick," she says quietly, and he knows now she's walking out the door. She's seen the true ugly side of what he's become, and now she's leaving. He'll never see her again, and isn't that really for the best? He can be alone with his self-hatred and loathing. But instead of stepping back and walking out the door, she does the last thing he expects: she steps forward and pulls him into a hug. This act of love and kindness is the last thing he expected from her, and he just can't take it anymore. Breaking down, he wraps his arms around her and begins sobbing. Kate whispers soothingly in his ear, telling him it's all right, cry as much as he needs to, let the hurt out. He finds he can't stop crying. Months and months of pain and hurt, finally being released. He tries to pull back, but Kate increases her grip, not letting him go until the tears begin to ebb, and he has himself back under some semblance of control. "Josh really did a number on you, didn't he?" she asks quietly. He doesn't know if she was expecting an answer, and doesn't bother trying to give one. Kate finally leans back so she can see into his face. He's surprised to see tear tracks on her cheeks, as well. "Castle, what happened to me isn't your fault," she says. "I would have been put in the cross hairs eventually. I kept digging and digging at her case."

"But if it wasn't for me-" he begins to say, trying to let her off the hook. He needs to be the one punished, not her.

"No," she says firmly. "No matter what Josh told you, you are not to blame. You are the most compassionate, forgiving man I have ever met, but you won't forgive yourself. Why?"

He doesn't trust his voice, but simply gestures to her bullet scar. Kate looks down at where he gestures, and back up at him. He has his face turned away, too ashamed to see the result of his meddling. Kate puts her hand on his face, and gently turns it back to her.

"I don't blame you for this," she says. "My dad doesn't blame you, nor does anyone else. The only one who blames you is you. Forget what Josh said. I broke up with him in the hospital, as soon as Dad told me what he did to you and Alexis."

"I deserved it," he says, feeling like every punch, every insult shouted at him by the doctor was well-deserved penance. "I wasn't fast enough."

"And if you were?" asks Kate, tears rolling down her cheeks. "You'd be lying in the hospital bed, or worse. You telling me you love me gave me something to hold onto. It kept me alive, Castle. Don't beat yourself up over my getting shot. I'm here, I'm alive thanks to you, and I have a heart that's loving you as much as you love me. So, please forgive yourself? If not for you, then me?"

He can't find it within himself to forgive himself for what he sees as his sin, but he also can't deny her anything. He may not be able to live with himself now, but knowing she's alive and loving him, means that maybe tomorrow, he can look in the mirror and like the guy he sees. And at the end of the day, maybe that's not so bad.