#blackwatch mccree x ftm!reader

[malexmalereader]

Jesse McCree x FtM!Reader - there’s only one bed!!

A/N: Because I’m an absolute sucker for this fanfiction trope and a complete sucker for Jesse McCree - here’s this. My writing style is a bit of, because this was...some self indulgent coping mechanism writing, but maybe someone else will enjoy it too!

Trigger Warnings: Dysphoria Mention, Top Surgery Scars, a bit of worrying that I wouldn’t deem to harsh but better safe than sorry

"...there's only one bed.", you say, looking at the twin bed in the motel room. "Reyes!", Jesse shouts down the hall. "There's only one bed!", He says, panicked. "I don't care. Make it out for yourselves.", the gruff voice of blackwatchs commander sounds back. The joined mission was...something. You let out a sigh. "I can take the floor-", you suggest, looking at the rough carpet as you set down your bag and take off your coat. "You sure? We can just share the bed, can't we?", Jesse mumbles, scratching the back of his neck. "I don't know. Is it big enouuuu-", you flatline as you see a spider crawling its way across the floor. "You know what, sure. We'll just share the bed.", you gulp, picking up your bag and placing it on a chair.

"I sleep on my side anyway, so I won't be taking up too much space.", you mumble. "Sucks that we've only got one blanket though." "We'll make it work.", Jesse replies, taking off his shoes. You look at your wristwatch and sigh. "The mission went so damn well, of course something had to be off about our way back.", you chuckle, shaking your head as you take out a book to read to waste your time.

"You that opposed to sleeping in a bed with me?", Jesse asks, raising an eyebrow, as he sits down on the bed. You do the same, laying with your back halfway up, leaning against the headboard. "Better than sleeping in a bed with commander Morrison.", you grumble, darkly remembering an awkward night in Dublin. Jesse let's out a confused laugh. "Seriously?", He asks as he attempts to turn on the TV in the room. "The man has terrible morning breath.", you say through clenched teeth. Jesse giggles. "I can't promise that that won't be the case with me, Pal."

"It can't possibly be as bad as him. I'm very sure.", you chuckle back before starting to read. Jesse gives up on trying to make the TV work and gets up, letting out a frustrated groan. "'m gonna get changed.", He grumbles. As he leaves for the bathroom you quickly take the chance to change into some sweatpants. You didn't bother changing your shirt to sleep. Jesse differed from that. Once he stepped out of the bathroom he was in a different shirt. However, he was just wearing underwear. You avert your eyes back to your book in embarassment. He looked adorable. Dammit. "That much clothes? It's damn warm in here, don't ya think?", Jesse questions as he lays down on his back, crossing his arms behind his head. "I just don't want to make you uncomfortable is all.", you explain, internally just feeling bad about the two scars on your chest. You’re pretty damn sure Jesse doesn’t know.

"Well, I don't think you're going to. If anything, I'm very open to the idea, Darlin'", Jesse says with a grin and a wink. You crunch up a smile and smack against his head with your book.

"I'm gonna go brush my teeth.", you then excuse yourself to leave for the bathroom. You brush your teeth, wash your face and...play with the thought of taking your shirt off. You bite your lower lip.

"Fuck it.", you whisper and take of the shirt. This way it at least won't reek of Jesse tomorrow, which would be definitly noticeable enough for Genji to tease you about, that's for sure

You sigh, looking at the slightly faded scars. ‘What do I have to loose? I'm happier like this, and if Jesse sees any problems with it, it's just that. His problem, not mine.’, you think. You fold your shirt on your way back into the room and throw it onto your bag. Jesse let's out a whistle. "Look who changed his mind.", He says, grinning. "Shut up.", your grumble as you grab your coat to use as a second pillow. You fold it together and signal Jesse to move his head up, so you can prop up your new pillow construction. "You okay with sharing a blanket? Else I can go ask for a second one.", you say, not looking at Jesse. "Uh...yeah, I'm fine with it.", you can't really explain the tone of his voice. "Alright.", you mumble, laying down on your side, facing away from Jesse.

"Goodnight man.", you yawn, closing your eyes. Jesse takes a moment to reply. "...good night."

Soon you fall asleep.

God, he looks adorable. So precious. A lot less worried and less anxious, too. I could get used to this. Oh look at him, he's mumbling in his sleep, so cute. I'm glad he's fine with this. I've found out so much about him. God bless these joined missions. The scars were a surprise... I'm happy for him, at least if they're from what I think they're from. I absentmindedly put a hand in his (hair length), (hair colour) hair, running my fingers through it. And suddenly I understand why Angela likes to do that. So soft. Like silk. He smells...good. I hope he thinks the same about me, don't wanna have him talking about this the way he did about Morrison. I take my hand out of his hair and carefully wrap my arm around his waist, pulling him closer. Body heat, this is all about saving body heat. Alright, it's June, but this is northern Europe. Therefore my excuse is foolproof. His skin's so soft. He's soft in general. Good composition of fat and muscle. Perfect to cuddle with. God, I so wanna get used to this. Look at him. So perfect.

I carefully trace my fingers from his waist to his hips. I bet they'd be nice to hold onto. My breath hitches as he begins to move around and I quickly take my hands off him. He cuddles closer to me, his body pressed against mine and I can't help but smile slightly. I put my arm back around him and bury my face in his hair. Hm, smells good. I wonder what shampoo he uses. I feel myself drifting off to sleep.

You slowly open your eyes. There's something heavy holding onto you.  That's the first thing you realize after seeing the sun rising outside. Must be very early morning then. You turn your head to see Jesse spooning you, his arm tightly around your torso. Your face heats up slightly, as you question whether or not to escape his touch. To be fair, it does feel rather nice. Warm. His arm’s pretty thick.

God dammit, this feels right.

You press your lips together and try to move away a bit. You wrangle out your arm and take a look at your wristwatch. 4:58. ‘Dammit, I don't wanna wake him.’ You feel Jesse moving closer, his breath against the back of your neck. Your heart's pounding in your chest like crazy. If this isn't what you'd secretly wished for, for the past few months... Damn it all. You gently put your hand on his, that's resting right below your chest. This does feel nice. ‘Maybe I can just pretend to sleep once he wakes up.’ You think ‘Yeah. Solid plan.’

I wake up slowly, but refuse to open my eyes, happily snuggling against him. I pull him close, pressing his back against me. My eyes shoot open as I realize what I'm doing. I take my arm off him carefully, wary not to wake him up. He looks like an angel. I smile slightly and then slowly get up, not wanting to move the mattress too much. I quickly look at my phone. Six A.M. Then I walk into the bathroom and lock the door. I clench my teeth together, god, I hope he didn’t mind all too much. I hope he enjoyed this as much as I did.

I splash some water in my face, trying to calm my nerves.

I take a deep breath before unlocking the door and walk back into the room. He's sitting on the bed, apparently still waking up, rubbing his forehead with his hand. His hair is messy, he looks about done with the world but still damn cute. I swallow lightly as he looks up. "Morning.", He says, his voice strained and raspy. "...Good Morning.", I reply after a moment of being completely taken aback by him. "I didn't wake you now, did I?", I carefully ask. "Nah, woke up on my own.", He replies, yawning. "Yeah...sorry 'bout that, would've stayed in bed with you longer.", I say. My expression drops as I see his confused one. "I meant that...you didn't wake me up. Not that I woke up...alone.", he slowly processes. "Yes, course, sorry.", I say, chuckling in embarassment as I sit down on the bed, facing away from him.

"You okay?", He asks. My shoulders tense up. "...yeah, yeah I'm fine.", I say. "...sleeping in a bed with you wasn't half bad.", He says and my eyes widen. I slowly turn to look at him. He's averting his eyes, letting his head hang down a bit. I feel a smile tugging at my lips. "Right back at ya.", I grin, and play with the thought of touching his soft skin again. I turn my torso a bit more, he's still looking down. Maybe I should just shoot my shot. I grab his chin, he looks a bit surprised, and confused, as I look at his lips. Come on Jesse, this ain't something you've never done before. You know how it works.

I carefully put my lips on his. He stiffens up for a moment, but soon melts into my touch. I put my other hand on his thigh as he wraps his arms around my neck. I think he's smiling. I let my hands wrap around his waist and push a bit closer against him, gently stroking his lower back with my thumbs. We soon part, but our faces stay close together. He isn't looking into my eyes, rather...glancing down. "...you okay?", I ask, unsure whether I'd made him uncomfortable or anything...but he did seem to enjoy the act as much as I did. "...yeah, yeah I'm alright. That was...", He swallows before looking into my eyes. "That was nice.", God, he's even cuter like this. "'m glad to hear it, Darlin'", I smile back and kiss his forehead, running a hand through his hair.

“’m glad to be here with you…”

[malexmalereader]

Jesse McCree x FtM!Reader - drown it out

A/N: Me??? Writing something depressing for myself to indulge in because I am big sad??? It's more likely than you think. hello yes, I almost cried writing like this HAHA I'm so damn lonely. High five!

Info: the ftm character in this one has undergone top surgery and is on hrt - thought I'd start mentioning that.

TW: dysphoria and depression

You don't quite remember when Jesse's said he'd be back. In the evening? Or maybe tomorrow morning? You are just hoping it isn't any time too soon.

The music blaring out of your headphones into your ears was a pitiful attempt at drowning out self destructive thoughts and the same old depression making it's way to your heart.

It hurts, and you don't know what to do. You feel empty as you slowly get out of bed, shoving your phone into the pocket of the jeans that you didn't take off yesterday evening before going to bed. The next song started, almost too loud to handle. Though, it just made you feel comfortably numb.

You drag yourself to the bathroom, staring into your reflection before taking a quick look out of the window. It's noon already. How long have you been sleeping? Who knows. Who cares, anyway?

You grit your teeth together, knowing that Jesse would care. He always did. And that's a point you didn't understand. At all. How have you gotten this lucky? Luck usually wasn't on your side. The thought that Jesse might find someone better one day nagged at your mind, although you would never admit to feeling this way.

You stare back at your reflection again. You had borrowed one of Jesse's flannels that hung loosely, making it almost look like you are wearing a potato sack or something.

Your view lingered on your chest. The scars were faded - long since had been - but you couldn't help but feel weird about them once in a while.

You were glad how far you'd come and yet...the occasional feeling of being nothing but a fraud and lacking bit right through all confidence you'd built in the past decade.

You know you are a real man. There was no doubt about it, but every time you heard people talking -even when it was with no intentions to be rude, maybe they were just uneducated - you couldn't help but feel like everyone could see right through you. You felt weak and vulnerable in those moments, no matter how confident you'd felt before.

You let out a shaky breath, holding yourself up with your hands desperately supporting your weight on the edge of the sink.

You'd thought by now you wouldn't feel this way. Everything was supposed to be fine.

You are ripped from your thoughts by the feeling of a hand on your shoulder.

You practically jump out of your skin, swivelling around. With the music turned up you hadn't noticed Jesse stomping up the stairs, coming into the bathroom, approaching you and maybe even calling out for you.

Quickly you take your headphones off and Jesse frowns at the volume before trying to look into your eyes. You avert yours in shame, trying to think of a way to get out of this situation.

You feel how Jesse wraps an arm around your waist to pull you close, his flesh hand finding its way to push your hair out of your face.

"Honey?", He gently calls out and you can feel tears welling up in your eyes before letting out a weak hum in response.

"What's wrong?", Jesse asks. You swallow before answearing with a quick: "It's...nothing."

You hear Jesse sigh in response, he seems to be looking for what he could possibly say next. The music from your headphones was filling the silence in the room that would else just crush you.

"Can you look at me?", he tries, his hand caressing your cheek. You hesitantly raise your head slightly to look at your boyfriend. His eyes become sadder, his eyebrows narrow together in worry as he notices the tears in your eyes.

"This really doesn't look like nothing, Darlin'.", He whispers, scanning your face for an answear. You lean into his touch, biting the inside of your cheek.

"How about we go cuddle on the bed a bit?", he now suggests. You take a deep breath, determined to at least give him one proper answear. You feel bad about making him this worried about you. "...that would be nice.", you croak out, trying to manage a genuine smile.

Jesse smiles back sadly before carefully leading you back into the bedroom where you plop down on the bed, him sitting down behind you, pulling you into another warm embrace. He presses a kiss to your neck before nuzzling his face against your skin, his hands stroking your sides as his heavy frame leans against you. It was...tender. And comforting. And a kind of love that you hadn't felt in so long. Thinking about it, Jesse was the only one this affectionate with you.

Another terrible thought strikes your mind as you pull your phone out of your pocket and turn of the music.

If Jesse ever leaves I'll have no one

You know that that isn't true. You have friends and family, and yet...your mind played the dirty trick on you often, but you never found a way to make it stop.

Before you know it you're shaking and crying, tears dripping down on the blanket under you. Jesse lifts his head from your shoulder and gently brings your face up to look at him. It is a bit uncomfortable turning you head this far, but you don't care.

"Are you sure that it's nothing, Baby?", he asks, his own voice sounding strained and close to tears. You take a moment before choking out an answear.

"I've just been...feeling off.", you say, your throat hurting and the words barely sounding proper. "Like...the usual, you know? Same old shit as always.", you try to laugh at your own misery, it's ridiculous, isn't it? This feeling. It's misplaced.

"(Y/N)...", Jesse sighs, holding you a bit tighter "I'm so sorry..."

You stare at him in confusion. "What do you mean? This isn't your fault.", you state, your voice still weak.

"But you shouldn't feel this way. That pretty little head of yours should be free of those damned thoughts.", he explains, slipping your hands into his, almost holding on for dear life. "I'm sorry...", you now say. He's right. These thoughts shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be depressed.

"I don't mean it like that...you're allowed to be sad, but I just...", he stops talking and takes a deep breath. "I hate seeing you like this, not even for my sake I just...I just want you to happy again."

"We've been over this often enough, Jesse.", you begin "I'll get over it eventually, won't it? It's always been that way."

It's always been that way. You're in a slump and then you aren't. And then you're again and it's a never ending cycle and even after all those years you haven't found a remedy.

"I know, but...", Jesse is slowly running out of things to say, also knowing how it goes down. He abandons the sentence he started and squeezes your hands lightly.

"You know I love you, right? I won't leave. I won't go and I'll do everything in my power to bring back that beautiful little laugh of yours.", he declares, looking right into your eyes. You can't help but smile slightly.

"... of course I know that.", you begin, leaning your head again his shoulder, glancing up at his face. "And I...I appreciate that. I...", you take a deep breath. "I love you, too."

Jesse let's go of one of your hands to cup your cheek, bringing you in for a soft, loving kiss. You enjoy every second of it, taking a moment to open your eyes after he pulls away.

"Now, how about we bake a pie together? Some cherry pie filling, listening to some Willie Nelson? How does that sound?", He ask, running his fingers through your hair. Your smile grows a bit brighter.

"Sounds good."