#blacked out and wrote this in one go 😭 which was kinda nice tbh

[everythingmp3]

no need to be brave

adult Van x fem!reader

as your lover deals with a hangover, which is only made worse by her illness, she insists that you leave her to deal with it by herself, but you have other plans -with a bit of tenderness and heat, you manage to make her feel it: that you want to be with her, always, not just on her good days

authors note: hi! I was on a break from posting these fics but that promo clip where adult taivan are bickering gave me some inspiration, so I just took the idea of being sweet with her while shes suffering and this came from that, hope you enjoy <3 (5.8k words)

warnings: some smut (both receive in certain ways), mentions of cancer/grief etc.

it was a sunny winter afternoon as you laid on Van´s couch and listened to the outside noise, cars driving by, the day going unfolding while you relaxed with your legs stretched out, your eyes closed, your breathing slow and steady.

you´d been dating Van long enough by that point to feel like her apartment had become your second home, and she was more than glad to leave hers years of solitary living behind, but in that moment she had no idea that you were still there.

the night before, you had gone out to a nice dinner and against all better judgment she had insisted on getting a few drinks at the bar next door; you were aware of her diagnosis, unlike when you´d first started dating, and asked her if she was sure, to give her a chance to change her mind, but she did not budge, she wanted a proper drink for once, a few even, so, instead of playing mother and telling her that she was forbidden, you caved and indulged her. for the next few hours you joined her in enjoying the present moment, regardless of consequence, soaked up the atmosphere of the dimly lit room as you stole touches under the table and both got tipsy from a few shots and two drinks, kissing to taste the citrusy booze on each others lips.

as you walked home, arm in arm, you were glad that you hadn´t dragged her home, that you got to see her face glow pink as she smiled at you under the light of the moon, paused on your way back to kiss you in an empty street, to feel you up against a wall until you heard a group of people approaching and ran, or rather stumbled, away. you had fallen asleep later on in a tight embrace while caressing each others hair, whispering sweet drunken thoughts, "my baby..", "I´m so lucky..", falling into a dazed slumber.

that burst of sparkling euphoria was replaced by a dull dread the next morning, at least on Vans part.

she couldn´t blame anyone but herself for the banging migraine she woke up to, she knew this, so she refrained from complaining to you, even though she radiated a palpable air of "I am gonna die today. not in the near future, this is it, I´m fucking done for.", her body punishing her for her recklessness, her joints and muscles aching with every move.

you were already familiar enough with her physical makeup to know exactly what she needed on mornings like that: an ice cold coke, some strong pain killers, a flaky pastry, and you doting on her, even though she denied it. Van felt embarrassed from the moment she woke up, aware of how beyond rough she looked, her hair disheveled, her face puffy, failing to suppress her groans of discomfort, and yet, you weren´t put off by it, any of it, even when she was convinced you were surely losing all of your attraction to her by the minute, it never happened, not once; you had yet to see Van in a state that didn´t elicit feelings of adoration or warmth in you, her freckled nose and cheeks, the shape of her lips, her voice, her flame colored hair, that distinct sweet warm scent she had in the morning, they were never diminished in their effect on you by a cranky attitude or signs of her sickness, ever.

you knew that she did not always believe you, that she often wondered why on earth you stayed with her, through everything, even though you weren´t even girlfriends, not officially, not really. you knew Van well enough to know that she would not ask you to be exclusive, much too afraid of the unbearable sense of guilt of locking you down, when she might die within the year, when she might evoke widow-like feelings in someone who had barely just started their adult life.

you had no way of knowing, but in her darkest moments when she was cruelest to herself her mind told her "youre a fucking monster. you already knew you had a few months at most and still looked for a lover. you tell yourself that you werent looking for more than sex but you know its not true. you were too selfish to die without having anyone wrecked by your death. you wanted someone to really grieve your loss. and now youve found a poor soul. enjoy it."

still, even when she kept things undefined and told you you were free to date other people - while dying of envy at the mere thought - in your head, and in hers, Van was your girlfriend, she was, you didn´t need her to say it because her behavior sufficed, she treated you like a partner, not just a a hook-up, she was far from detached and you let her believe that it was casual, that you weren´t at risk of having your heart shattered by her death, that you weren´t already in love with her.

the way you´d found out about her cancer had been less than ideal.

during your first date, her attitude was "no need to tell her about it, I doubt I will see her more than a few times" at the time still very attached to her idea of keeping her love life non-committal, unromantic, only allowing hook-ups and maybe a few low-key dates here and there. this plan was abandoned fast when your first date went so beautifully that you ended up kissing her goodbye in her car, which inevitably turned into a heated make-out, which turned into you asking her to come up to your room, both of you a little shocked by how deeply into each other you were after just a few hours of talking over a dinner table.

one of your fondest memories from that night was after you´d gotten lost in each other for hours, laying there tired but far from sleepy, exhilirated by your natural chemistry, when she laughed and shook her head, still breathless, and said "what the fuck are you doing to me..", since she was not used to it: a stranger being as overtly sweet and intense during sex as you´d been, kissing her not just in the obvious places but on the back of her hand, wherever you could reach in the heat of the moment, still reeling from the way you´d begged to taste her after she´d done it to you, the way you´d caressed her sides, had given her a type of intimacy that she usually felt like she’d have to earn by being more open, more vulnerable during a date - but you didn´t care to hear her life story, you were eager to feel her, fully, and it broke her down, hit her at her weak spot, the romantic in her, that she´d kept buried, coming back up to hold you as you slept together that night.

you saw each other again two days later and you ended up spending the weekend at her place, which went so smoothly that Van abandoned her rule of "no sweet stuff, nothing relationship adjacent" : she started inviting you out for breakfast, always offered to drive you to work or to meet up with a friend, picked you up at night, listened and calmed you down whenever you seemed worried or stressed; you returned the same energy by randomly showing up at her store with flowers for her place or her favorite take-out or to just keep her some company and sit near the counter while she talked to you about her recent film discoveries, gossiped about some customers, pulled you into the back-room to make out until the bell rang, you pushing her away as she groaned and uttered "I´m not done with you" as she left the room and prayed that the person would leave within a few minutes.

this honeymoon period made her feel an acute sense of shame. she had tried again and again to find the right moment to tell you, to just say it: "I am so sorry. I have been keeping something from you." but the love she had so unexpectedly stumbled into with you, that light she felt in her chest, that unfamiliar warmth that had wrapped its soft arms around her soul, she was too desperate to keep it in tact, so weeks passed before the moment came, unplanned, she didnt want it to go the way it did.

one night as you laid on top of her, still breathing heavy, still trembling a bit from the way she´d wrecked you, her hands drawing soft circles on your back, her heartbeat under your ear, you had fantasized about possibly going on a summer vacation that year, to get away from everything, to have a few days just to be together and lounge around and jump into the ocean together, eat good food, be at ease. it hit her then, the inability to picture her future because she did not know how long she still had, so she went quiet and burst into tears.

at first, you were shocked, unable to speak, since you´d never seen her shed a single tear up until then, but you quickly recovered and held her face and tried to soothe her in any way you could as the confession came spilling out: "I´m so sorry, I´m so fucking sorry, but I don´t even know if I´ll.." she choked up in the middle "if I´ll..." you coaxed it out of her, rubbed her shoulders, listened quietly as she cried, "if I´ll still be alive in summer. I have cancer. terminal."

Van had expected you to be angry with her, to feel blind-sided and betrayed by her stringing you along for weeks without ever mentioning her severe predicament, but all you could think to do then was to pull her head against your shoulder and assure her that you weren´t going anywhere, that you would figure it out together, that she had no reason to apologize.

you put on a brave face for her but later that night the other person who was home with you had to stop you from almost hyperventilating at the thought of having to watch her lose her physical strength and suffer til her premature death, which you would have to survive, somehow. you allowed yourself one night of fully falling apart and grieving the loss you were being asked to face in the near future, but the next day a determination took over, you told yourself, "I love her. I love being with her. and I will make the most out of every second. I will ease her pain in any way I can, until the end."

Van could sense this energy from that point on, your protective spirit, and it humbled her while also making her feel a bit uneasy about her being older and yet being taken care of by you, almost shedding tears when you did things for her like massage her temples and joints with essential oils to relieve some of the pain or when you clocked her lies about having eaten enough during the day and cooked her elaborate meals at night, when you made her switch during sex to keep her from exhausting herself just to make you come again and again, a sweetness to it, the way you´d sometimes move away from under her and push her back into the pillows with a pleased smile that said "your turn now, I´m very satisfied, no need to prove yourself".

that morning, the guilt had come back to haunt Van, so she told you to leave her to deal with her aching bones and hangover by herself, to go out and have a fun Saturday, to enjoy yourself and stop worrying about her, to not turn into her "unpaid nurse", as she put it.

she´d insisted quite aggressively, her mood not helping at all with her self-loathing, so you´d assuaged her by saying "okay fine, I´ll go, call me if you need any help though" and left her room, walked down the stairs, loudly, on purpose, to make it sound like you´d left, only to quietly creep up again and stay.

you refused to leave her to her own devices in a state like that. it was out of the question. not when you were afraid she might pass out on her way to the bathroom or in the shower. about two hours after she´d fallen asleep again, around 3pm, you heard some noise coming from her room that signaled to you that she was awake.

you wouldn´t just sit there and listen, so you got up from the couch and made your way over to her room, cracking the door open and preparing yourself for her to tell you off, which of course, only took a few seconds to happen, a barely suppressed grin on your face as you saw her laying there, her eyes still half-closed, her cheeks pink from sleep, and heard her voice crack as she whined your name and said "noo come on, you said you´d go, what the fuck are you still doing here??".

you smiled as you took a few steps further into the room and crossed your arms, eyeing her with an unmistakably loving gaze, "oh, perfect way to be greeted while walking into the room" an air of smugness to you as you walked over to her nightstand and popped an aspirin into the glass of water you´d left there for her earlier. Van shook her head as she rubbed her eyes and let out a "fucking hell..", clearly still out of it, so you sat down on her side of the bed to get a closer look at her, your hand resting over the blanket, a twist in your heart when you saw how tired she still looked, but a bit of life had thankfully come back into her from the nap.

"this isn´t funny... take a fucking look outside!" Van told you, gesturing wildly at the window "it´s so nice out today, you should be with friends, moving your body, enjoying the sun, whatever, not staying inside to take care of an old decrepit woman." her tone low, an attempt at sternness that wasn´t unattractive to you, still, her pout took away from her ability to seem intimidating, to seem anything but sweet to you. you watched her, brushed a strand of hair out of her face, tucked it behind her ear and said "uh, would you mind pointing to the woman you´re talking about because I dont see anyone decrepit here".

Van rolled her eyes and squeezed your arm then for emphasis, trying not to be charmed, "listen to me lady, I told you, I don´t want to feel guilty all the time, I really don´t, this is my fault, I chose to drink, so you go, be free, have fun, please, I will call you when I am better again, I promise".

she was trying her best to sell it to you, the simple idea of: let us part ways, let me deal with it, and get back to you when I am fit again. but what you heard was "abandon me" and you never would. so it was pointless. she couldn´t sway you and maybe deep down she was secretly glad for it, your unwavering loyalty, the way you never seemed fazed or annoyed by her ailments, her moods, her little moments of melodrama.

"do you really think I am doing all of this out of pity? really? that I secretly hate this and just put on a brave face? come on. Van. you know me by now" you said, earnest, holding her hand then, clasping it tightly as she softened from your impact, felt touched by your gentle way of handling her. "yeah... yeah I do" she agreed and squeezed your hand, her voice barely above a whisper, a wistfulness to her tone, her eyes drawn to where your fingers were interlaced, a light kiss to her cheek from you before you took the glass with the dissolved aspirin and ordered her "drink.", which made her drop the tough act and smile, genuinely, pleased by that subtle sound of authority.

she obeyed and drank about half of it before pausing to take a breath and then finish the rest, a pleased "good, there you go" from you, which made her laugh as she wiped her mouth and lightened up a bit.

"do you have some kind of savior complex kink going on, is that it?" she teased, nudging you in the side as you sat closer to her and took in the sight of her eyes finally getting that familiar sparkle again.

"oh I see, you think I am getting off on all this, huh?" you joked, pretending to be offended, which only amused her more. Van leaned back against the headboard, stretched her limbs a bit and shrugged, "you tell me." a pause before she added "I´m sure you loveee seeing me all frail and helpless, hm". she´d slipped into the playful tone she often used when she was trying to get you to come onto her, to make her pay for some out of pocket comments by grabbing her and rendering her weak with certain kisses and touches.

Van was not in a state that allowed you too much aggression, but you had your ways, so, you nodded and said "hm sure, I love having you at my mercy", which made her flush, a hit to her core, her utter weakness for being overpowered by her lover, being toyed with, flustered by them.

you eyed her and saw it, that she was getting turned on as she responded "yeah. you could do whatever you want, couldn´t even fight back, not like this".

"hmm" you sighed and moved from the side of the bed to take your place on her thighs instead, carefully, making sure she was fine as you slowly settled on her and straddled her, your hands on her shoulders then, smiling at her as her face got colored in both surprise and arousal, her hands immediately on your hips, holding you in place, a soft groan as she felt your weight pressing down on her and sighed "okay. maybe I dont want you to leave.." her hands wandering up to your waist, a sound of pleasure from you as you nodded, pleased that you´d won, that she was finally surrendering, going quiet, letting you be good to her, make her feel wanted, even then.

"see, that wasn´t so hard hm" you cooed at her, your finger tracing her facial features in awe, the way you always did in intimate moments, her eye briefly closed as she leaned into your hand, let you caress her for a moment, sounded like a purring cat, until she grew eager for a little more skin contact and said "take this off" while tugging at your shirt.

within a few seconds you were topless, and to give her a bit more you also freed yourself off your bra, leaving you on her just in your jeans, a sight that enticed her to no end, the contrast of your fully covered legs and the soft flesh of your chest, all for her, her hands running down your shoulders over your collarbones down to your tits, your head falling back, a pleased "hmm" sound as she teased you a little, kept her hands over your tits while pressing her fingertips down, feeling you up, savoring the sight of you on her like that.

"come here" she whispered and beckoned you forward, so you leaned close enough for her to wrap her arms around your back and press kisses to your neck, quiet moans from you as she breathed in your scent and kissed her way up your pulse point, sighed to herself, kept a tight grip on your back, holding you as if she was afraid you leave, after she´d begged you to do just that mere hours before.

after a minute or so of letting her have her way, you grew too needy to restrain yourself and grabbed her face to give her proper, deep kiss, to run your tongue over her lower lip and bite it lightly before turning it more intense, slowly making out with her as she caressed your hair and sighed into your mouth, your hands on her face, your hips moving a bit from sheer need, a heat between your legs as you felt her desperation, the way she moved under the blanket to sit more securely and have a stronger grip on you, her tongue soft and warm against yours, her hands firm as they wandered from your hair to your neck, pulled you closer, until you both lost your breaths and separated for a moment, shaking, deeply turned on.

"god.. I want you so fucking bad right now. but I´d pass out, I´m already dizzy... " she confessed, her head resting against your arm, her breath hot on your skin, "the second I am stronger again, I swear to god..." she uttered and gave your hips a squeeze, another wave of heat to your core from the words, the touch, her sudden intense need for you, your hand on the back of her head, cradling her almost.

"we can still do something..." you said, unable to leave it at kissing, so she nodded eagerly and asked "oh yeah? like what?".

"I could.. help myself.." you said, which made her perk up, so you went on "I could jerk off and you could watch, if you want. help me out a bit, touch me.. my chest, your fingers in my mouth, anything", a pleased smile when you saw that the image alone thrilled Van from the way her expression changed, that look she always got when she was hungry for you. she hadn´t considered it before, watching you masturbate, adding to it, when she was too weak to follow her instinct to please you, and it moved her as much as it got her hot, your way of finding moments of deep pleasure and joy to offer her even on her worst days.

"hm.. yes please..." she said and waited, giving you a light slap of encouragement, looking at you with eager eyes as you climbed off her and took your place next to her on the empty side of the bed, pulled your jeans and underwear down, and got comfortable, spread your legs apart, ran your hand over your thigh, a sound of desperation from her as she took it all in, turned her body to face you more directly, leaned over to give you a kiss while whispering "show me, show me what you do when you´re alone", "when I´m thinking of you?" you corrected and smiled while moving your hand between your legs, a nod from her, "yes, yes that´s right..", a groan when she saw you part yourself to slick your fingers up to start rubbing your clit, slowly, taking your time with it, enjoying the act of performing for a devoted witness, for her. you let out a moan as you increased the pressure and felt yourself grow even wetter, already swollen and sensitive from before, the effect that making out with Van had had from you right from the start, you regularly soaking your underwear just from messing around on the couch a bit.

Van´s gaze remained your cunt, what your fingers were doing, how you were playing with yourself, salivating almost, until she moved her eyes up to your stomach, your chest, your face, and sighed "my angel.." as she felt overcome with affection and desire from hearing your sweet sounds, the vulnerability of it all, letting her see you the way you looked when you touched yourself in the privacy and dark of your own room, the distinct sound of your wetness almost making her black out for a second, stirring her need, her mouth watering.

she ran her hand over your chest, squeezed the flesh and got you to moan louder, teased your nipple, hardened it, felt your body shudder and react, "fuck.. please yes.." you whined and nodded, begging for more of her touch, as you rubbed yourself more aggressively, still, not too hard to come already, drawing it out, the ache, to have Van lavish you with her attention, so she did, gladly, her fingers digging into the swell of your breasts, hard, until she traced a path up to your neck, your jaw as she whispered "so fucking pretty..." and swiped her thumb over your lower lip, slowly, touching the tip of your tongue, which got a pathetic moan from you, so she took the cue and smiled as she pushed her index and middle finger into your mouth, slowly sliding them over your tongue, until you closed your lips around them and started sucking, intensely, as if you were giving her fingers a blowjob, perverse with it as you sucked and swirled your tongue over them, as she lost her mind from the feel and view of it and groaned "jesus christ...", trembling as you shut your eyes and savored the feeling of her fingers in you, as you felt your cunt throbbing with the need for release and picked up the pace of your fingers again to really come hard, to use that moment of double pleasure, both your face and lower half stimulated, rushing with blood.

Van licked her lips and let you keep her fingers wet and enclosed by your lips, an appraising "god look at you baby.. always so sweet for me...", only to move her fingers once you were close to finishing and touch your inner thigh, tracing a path up to where you were a soaking mess and helping you out by touching you below your clit, while you focused on your most sensitive spot, her fingers teasing your entrance lightly, which gave you the final push and made you shudder and come undone, the orgasm hitting you hard, your face twisted to the side, sounds muffled by a pillow, Van also moaning as she felt and heard and saw you come for her, to make not just yourself but her feel good, which she did, shaking as if she´d been the one to come as you went slack and laid there, bare, panting, flushed, smiling up at the ceiling as she kept caressing your thigh while you came down form the intense high.

you reached over to pull her hand to your mouth and lick yourself off her fingers, which made her laugh to herself in a resigned way while muttering "you know I might just die from this before the cancer has a chance to kill me.." which made you laugh too, still breathless, trembling. you kissed her hand before letting it go and rolled over to prop yourself up and look at her, "you good there, love?" you asked, grinning as she fussed with your hair and smiled back at you, "oh yeah, perfect, look at me, the picture of vitality" clearly alluding to her tired, worn out state but to you she was beautiful as ever, so you leaned in closer and said "I am looking yes, and enjoying it very much" a tap to the tip of her nose before you gave her a brief kiss, a scoff from her at your comment, which didn´t conceal the pleasure she took in being admired by you, earnestly.

"I am pretty fucking spoiled... some other chronically ill lesbians would kill to be in my position" she joked as you rested your head on her lap for a moment, felt her play with a strand of your hair. "well, I think some others would love to be in mine as well, so" you countered, smiling, but Van shook her head, a bit emotional all of a sudden. "I don´t know about that..." she said quietly "god. sometimes I feel so fucking sorry that I let things get this far. really. it was pretty selfish of me to keep you to myself like this.. like I should´ve told you from the jump, I should´ve made you -" she was falling into that familiar spiral of guilt so you interrupted her, "shhh" you said while moving your head up again and looking at her "easy there, take a breath, okay? and not to be morbid but even if you died right now you´d have still already given me way more than anyone else I´ve been with, and they were younger and fitter, so..." you told her, not lying, still, playing it up a bit, to amuse her.

"well they must´ve been doing something really fucking wrong if I of all people blew your mind" she said, raising her eyebrows, her tone dry, which got a genuine laugh out of you "maybe" you said, cocking your head, touching her arm "or maybe I just love you".

you didn´t plan on saying it but it was true and you had no desire to waste your time pretending you didn´t love her when you had for weeks and weeks already. it was natural, to say it, matter of fact, and it resonated deep within her should, the utter seriousness of your words. "love", she hadn´t heard anyone tell her that in years. she couldnt help it. she teared up, "please..." she begged, almost as if to say "I don´t deserve it.. don´t.. not me..not like this.." but she knew there was nothing she could do to stop you from doing so, so she leaned in and buried her head in the crook of your neck while shedding a few tears, clinging to you, as you held her close and whispered "I love you, I do, I´m not leaving, not today, not next week, not ever. so you can stop trying to convince me."

you sounded determined in a way that cooled her burning mind, so she wiped her tears and held your face in her hands, kissed you, a faint taste of salt from her tears, an urgency to her lingering kiss before she pulled away and said "I love you too. so much." her thumb running over your cheek, your eyes closed, a smile, a reversed image of what she´d done earlier, your turn to melt into her open palm.

you felt the need to be closer again so you laid on her more directly, which got a suppressed groan from her as she laughed and said "ah, careful there.." her hand gesturing at where you were laying, only the blanket and her sweatpants separating your elbows weight from pressing against the spot where she felt the effect of the previous actions. you knew Van was sensitive, but the idea that she had gotten wet from it, that she was soaked enough for it it hurt when you applied too much force, made you want to alleviate her from the ache, to taste her, to have her relax from your mouths work. you loved being devoured by her but sometimes nothing satisfied you more in bed than knowing that you were reminding her that her body was not just diseased but deeply desired, capable of giving her deep pleasure, giving had become more intense for you after youd found out about her illness, and at times she did almost cry from it, your energy of "I will heal whatever part of you I can, I will".

"let me help you with that" you told her as you slowly moved the blanket down her legs and tugged at her waistband, smiling, "I´ll be gentle, don´t worry" assured her when you saw that she feared she might react in an undignified way, lose her composure, faint from it.

she nodded as she felt you kiss her forehead once, twice, before you moved down between her legs and pulled her pants down, glad that she wasn´t wearing underwear, getting comfortable, softly licking and kissing over her freckled thighs before doing anything else, easing her into it, enjoying the intimate, sacred vibe of having her in that weak state, in bed, while the winter sun was casting a golden hue over your bodies tangled in the sheets, your lips glued to her inner thigh, perhaps your favorite part of her, the divine tenderness of the skin there that made every little touch from you send shivers down her spine.

Van was at peace then, free of the earlier intense pain, lulled into a full bodied warm state of arousal, one that wasn´t overwhelming but got some soft moans out of her as she laced her fingers through your hair, a deep sigh of relief and pleasure as you held true to your promise and ever so gently ran your tongue over her, gave her kisses and soft licks, teased her, tasting her just on the outside at first, slowly, only the tip of your tongue, before you felt her open her legs further, silently begging for more, so you moved your tongue in deeper, your arms firmly hooked around her thighs, holding her in place, caressing her stomach, more romantic with it than in moments of a shared urgent hunger, your hands eventually moving up to find hers, staying like that as you savored her taste, the deep, barely suppressed groans from her that always drove you to go a bit harder, to hear more of that, her voice strained from what you were doing.

you remained down between her legs were for a while, both of you sinking into the delicious rhythm of it, the faint sighs and whimpers, her encouraging you "feels so good... don’t stop", finally able to let you show her how much you always wanted her without pushing you away but pulling you closer, asking for more, receiving it with a smile, her head pressed back against the pillow as you made "hmm" sounds from the pleasure of eating her out for that long, a brief pause when she looked down at you, tapped your shoulder, met your eyes and said "thank you, for staying."

Van didn´t just mean that exact moment, you could tell, so you kissed her lower stomach before looking up at her again and said "always" as if you had years and years ahead of you, because in moments like that, it felt like you did, everything was forgotten, love collapsed time and made the threat of her death vanish into thin air.

[carmenized-onions]

Chapter 11 cheffff

i’ll try to keep the quotes a bit shorter this time to not kill people’s feed

“Respect him, Chef.” - it’s so over

“He’s bein’ a fuckin’ creep.” - RICHIE I LOVE YOU SO

“N’ what the fuck are you?” - . . . this fully broke me. this is just so- poor richie omg🥺😭

“Cause I’ll fuckin’ tell you” - I beg you don’t. this has actually hurt me more than anything

I bet since she forgets the note it’s actually going to be something kinda nice (like him being hppy with the dish cause duh why wouldn’t he), well sweeps was bothered but maybe he didn’t read it. idk i’m holding out hope!! or it’s super important and now they’re fucked … either way we trot along!

there will also be some things i won’t comment on cause i’m sure people will react to them. i’m trying to not make you repeat too many things aye?

“You’re excused.” - oh this would have me swinging. well not really cause i’m a wuss but

“Say what you wanna say, Carmen.” - she’s so much stronger than me fr i would be crying

“you failed Mikey” - oh. yeah idk if they can come back from this tbh. it was nice while it lasted. we gave it a good run.

His middle name is Anthony. Tony. - okay this is actually hilarious tho. and the contrast to what else is happening disjjs. only you author, i swear

Gone. Devoid. - 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️

i mean yeah he’s sorry but looking in his eyes and seeing that won’t make anything go away. like idk sometimes there’s a limit to how mean someone can be even if they don’t mean what they say yk?? like control your emotions a bit and that

“How could you fuckin’ say that shit to Chippy—” - richie i love you i love you i love you

“To Richie.” - she’s so- the nicest ever wow

yeah i figured the invoice thing when she said it was complicated. but dang that’s still-

DAMN THE DIDNT TELL HER WHICH BROTHER. you’re so smart

HOLY SHIT THE CREEP ASKED FOR HER NUMBER. GROSS GROSS GROSS. RICHIE PUNCH HIS FACE

At least get him a star, if he has to hate you. - i’ll cry

“I’d still love you, even if you weren’t helpful. By the by.” - this man is everything

“Man… You were here.” - they’re crying, i’m crying, we’re all crying

“You wanna see a Taylor Swift concert wit’ me?” - SHUT UP HE IS SO CUTE. i’d do anything with him (friend stuff)

He kisses the crown of your head. Richie must be a good dad. - most definitely. i love these two so much rah. my fave duo

“We can only hope.” - LMAO SJFJJD i needed that to help ease the angst

Never know when you’re going to need a fire. - ayo?? i’ve actually considered multiple times to carry one just in case someone needs it

Entirely forgot, about the wedding gig - ME TOO SHEHDJEJ oh my we’re not away from the drama yet i see

so you don’t get second hand smoke. - he’s so cute and this is everything to me because second hand smoke is like the worst thing i know and last week i was trapped between so many smokers and it was the worst

“You gotta get your star, Squid.” - so cute. squid getting her star(fish)

“Bitch—” “Heard.” - LMAO best call and response

“Heard, Chip.” “Heard, Ink.” - CUTEST

OH SHIT NOT THE ONE BLACK PLATE

“I know you said I’d be a perfect match for your little brother.” - OH SHITTTTTT. shut down the mikeychip allegations, as you should 😌😌 also mikey knewwww. really doing it all from beyond

Listen listen, I do the apologizing for both of us for destroying feeds YOU do it all you want, ALWAYS!!

IT'S SO OVERKDFG-- I don't remember exactly when I wrote 'Respect Him Chef' but I do remember going YEAAGGGHHH I COOKED I'M COOKIN WITH THIS ONEEE

I knew if we were gonna get into the Freezer Fight, I had to be brutal, what the fuck are you? was like, KEY hurtfulness. It immediately throws off what was a jovial vibe into something very cruel and painful--- Bah, Fuck you Carmen Bro

HEY BRIGHT SIDE-- BRIGHT SIDE HE LIKED THE DISH? SO. SO WE HAVE THAT. Sweeps wrote the note ALA the Ever's server method of passing Vibe check notes, which is why he needed that fucking smoke break. Having to play messenger for that skeeve,,,, yeuch.

no one says things the same way someone else says things !! you can always spam, love ya thoughts, always will. Anyways anyways, YOU'RE EXCUSEDBRRROOOOOO I'd get . violent.

Again, there was such a universe where Tony got violent. Like. Listen. She is a Chicago born and bred babe, she was an EMT, she's been a bartender-- Bro can prove she's a fuckin' problem alright? She can fucking swing. The 'Say what you wanna say' was very much like, the lead of line given before someone gets there shit rocked. Alas , she like,,, likes him or whatever,,,, so we couldn't,,,, sad

No one's ever commented on Carmen's Middle Name being Tony and I had to note it before someone else made fun of me for it. But I have also always loved ,,, fuck my Directing Prof is gonna be mad at me. It's somewhere in my notes, but essentially, there's this idea of Dramatic Contrast (not the actual term) but It's like, the ear scene in Reservoir Dogs, or that trumpet over the boxing match in I think,,, Raging Bull? Where basically, a very jaunty or pop like tune plays over something genuinely horrifying, basically.

I really enjoy that concept, in my own short films and writing, so Carmen going from saying like, the worst thing he's ever said, to like, oh I need to transfer outside my body-- You go funny immediately, and I think it makes everything both so much funnier and so much more painful? Just turns up the volume, on both sides. Or at least to me it does.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!! Bro will need to grovel. Bro will also need to get socked. Chippy why did you have to stop Rich c'mon man

Apologize to Richie really gets me, because it's 100% her being nice and having her boy's back, but it's also like.... She doesn't feel she deserves an apology-- And that. Man. I'm gonna. I'm gonna just take a 45 minute nap to process that fuck. At least get him a star, if he has to hate you. FUCK BRO. WHAT THE FUCK!!! I did that, who am I yelling at.

Rich and Chips whole convo was very cathartic to write-- It had been another scene that i'd imagined for a while and morphed bit by bit as i got a better and better idea of their history. And I think as more and more is uncovered in future chapters, coming back to reread this chapter will like,,, mean a lot more, in a lot of ways. I also enjoy the way it repeats that 'I was Here' from Richie in Zero Pulse. I just like,,, rah. They're so... They're just very good. And they're going to have to see Taylor Swift.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO KEEP A LIGHTER YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YA NEED A FIRE!!! And fuckin being with a crowd of smokers is awful. I am lucky all my friends that are on that fuckin NIC blow that shit far from me. They're very sweet.

EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT THE WEDDING GIG AND THIS MAKES ME GIGGLE SO MUCH, I'M ACTUALLY DELIGHTED BY THE IDEA THAT EVERYONE VERY LITERALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT IN TANDEM WITH TONY, I FIND THAT SO CUTE.

STARFISSHHHHH CMOONNNN

Fun fact: One Black Plate was the original original original chapter title, back when I started cooking it up in my brain, around chapter 3. But once I got to Other Shoe and realized the devious period thing I could do, I had to go with Just Dropped. HAD TO. But One Black Plate was really good. I'll miss her.

THE ALLEGATIONSD LMAOSJOFJ I do really respect the Mikey/Chip ship, because reasonably, I could see them working. And listen. Maybe they did. WHOS TO SAY. Mikey's ghost is to say. BUT WHOS TO SAYYY

Anyways, for this lovely wonderful wrap sheet from you, and whoever braved the storm of reading this, let's see if i can find anythin worth showing you from the draft that isnt getting cut, that also isn't too spoilery

THIS IS A FUN ONE HEHEHE

[rokurookajima]

✍️ Which stat matters most to you (if at all!): subscriptions, kudos/favorites, comments, bookmarks, word count, or hits?

👾 Do you have any "bad" writing habits you want to break?

💥Is there a chapter, scene, or WIP you're most excited to write? Share a snippet or tell us about it!

🛏 Is there a new trope you'd like to write this year?

🪩 Do you have any "good" writing habits you want to cultivate?

🎉 How are you going to be kind to yourself if you don't meet your goals?

THANK U KAT!!!

putting under a readmore bc surprise surprise i’m yapping (also my snippet kinda long)

✍️ Which stat matters most to you (if at all!): subscriptions, kudos/favorites, comments, bookmarks, word count, or hits?

so tbh i am very much used to writing for fandoms / ships no one gives a shit about over the years LMAO + also most of my writing in the last year has been for original stuff, so i’m very used to not getting any feedback hahaha. for some reason, the things i’ve been inclined to write fanfiction for have almost always been stuff that’s not gonna draw much of a crowd anyway. like… in my opinion, one of the best things i’ve ever written (and also most personal, wrote while i was desperately clinging to reality during a psychotic episode and this was incredibly cathartic) was THIS.. full metal jacket fanfiction.. it’s my 2nd favorite movie ever and joker is absolutely a full on blorbo but i know damn well not many people are out here looking for fics about a vietnam war black comedy (tho surprisingly this did get several very lovely reviews)

SO that said it’s been so nice to get input on writing again these days!! i love having my little subfandom gang to share work with 😭

ofc the one that will always feel the most euphoric to me will be comments!! public comments on ao3, comments in tags, personal messages anything!! it is suuuuch a high and i definitely screenshot all of them for a rainy day

but otherwise, probably word count is the main thing i’m rlly keeping track of regularly

👾 Do you have any "bad" writing habits you want to break?

i definitely do A LOT of my writing on my phone .. and it’s killing my thumbs lmaoo have arthritis in my hands and carpal tunnel on top of it just already not being good for u so. very much that 😩 the reason i LIKE writing on my phone tho is it feels much more organic and easy when i can just do it anytime any place, rather than waiting til i can use my laptop when i feel like half the time when i finally open it, everything in my head disappears. OTHERWISE… i feel like everything else that i used to consider to be a bad writing habit, i’ve learned how to work with in positive ways which is so nice

💥Is there a chapter, scene, or WIP you're most excited to write? Share a snippet or tell us about it!

OHHH easiest answer is definitely to finish claw machine, there’s 3 chapters left (the next one has been like one paragraph away from being done for like a month i just keep getting distracted), but i’m rlly excited for the last two ESPECIALLY the final one. i have some random scenes written in both bc i don’t write in order at all, but stillllll

snippet from what will b claw machine ch 7!! what .. could they have possibly been almost caught doing…🙈

“Fuuuuuck,” Wan breathes out finally, dragging both hands back through his hair and laughing nervously. “That could’ve been…”

“So fucking bad,” Raava finishes for him. But then she turns back toward him with her own frayed laugh. The look on her face is closer to exhilaration than embarrassment, which sends his heart rate somehow higher. She rubs her forehead and repeats in awed relief, “that could’ve been so fucking bad.”

“Yeah, so…” he blows out a hard sigh. “That’s your dad, huh?”

“That’s my dad,” she scoffs. “Delightful, isn’t he?”

“Took the words right outta my mouth.”

She grimaces in secondhand embarrassment on her father’s behalf. “I’m sorry for that. I mean him. It’s not that hard to believe you have a fucking job.”

“Nah, it’s cool. I probably wouldn’t wanna see me in my house if I were him either.” He adds dramatically, “some teenage scoundrel alone with my pure, prestigious daughter.”

“That’s a big word for you, Wan.” She gives a small laugh and rolls her eyes, then elaborates, “his pure daughter being defiled by you.”

“Yeah, I am…so sorry,” he says sheepishly. He grins back, but still can’t ease his tense posture. His body is not entirely under his own control at the moment. “I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

Raava’s hands go to the ends of her hair in an unusual show of coy nervousness. “No, um, don’t…” Her eyes dart to the side, then back to him. “Be sorry. I may have...”

He waits in trepidation until she finally finishes bluntly, “I’ve been waiting for you to.”

“Oh.” His eyes practically sparkle at that answer, grinning stupid. “Well…that’s good, because uh…I’ve been wanting to. Obviously. Of course I did.”

She swallows hard and says quickly, “I’d like to do it again. Uninterrupted.” Almost as an afterthought, she finally confirms, “like last time.”

Dazed with shock, he says, “I can…definitely make that happen. Say the word. Whenever you want.”

Raava purses her lips, her eyes darting to the side and back once more, then unexpectedly offers, “do you work on Saturday night?”

Wan is pretty sure his ribs could break with the way his heart pounds. He answers with no attempt to mask his eagerness, “I will trade that shift as soon as I get home. No problem.”

🛏 Is there a new trope you'd like to write this year?

that’s a very good question actually… i’m not sure!! i feel like i’ve actually never rlly considered what tropes i DO write (even tho.. i definitely do write in tropes i mean who doesn’t, and i definitely have a few i’m very loyal to). but hm…. imagine if i said “writing something not horny” … i could never

🪩 Do you have any "good" writing habits you want to cultivate?

i think i’ve gotten better about this, but i’d like to become a bit more consistent over all! i feel like i go in bursts of like… writing very intensely constantly for a few weeks-months, then struggle so much to get anything out the rest of the time. i’d rlly like to find some kind of medium - i mean, i don’t wanna ever lose the months of intense creativity THAT is the best. but if i could smooth it out and manage to have a somewhat steady rhythm on the regular, that would be amazing

🎉 How are you going to be kind to yourself if you don't meet your goals?

i’ll be chill about it!! part of that is because i don’t rlly have a ton of rigid goals around creativity just because i never know what i might end up fixating on and maybe it won’t be writing at all. ofc there’s still some level of frustration when things don’t go how i want, but overall this is probably the one department in all of life where i’m NOT insanely hard on myself