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yatorihell · 1 year ago

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Noragami Reread Volume 14-17

Heaven arc in full swing and a lot of foreshadowing

Vol 14

'The world he sent her back to' final chapter line?????

Yato reaction to not knowing Hiyori's birthday, it's probably not something that would cross his mind since birth isn't a thing in his world

We never actually see what Yato does for her birthday party????

Kazuma forshadowing his betrayal to Yukine

Ebisu could've just called Kunimi when he got lost lol not a single thought in that head

Bishamon refusing to release Tsuguha is so stupid it's the only way to save her

'If I could just stay with Hiyori and Yukine that would be fine by me' hnnnn

God's exist for people vs Yato saving Hiyori at his own expense

People can only be truly saved by other people vs hospital arc vs recent chapter I hate this manga

Yukine sending Hiyori letters and Yato eating them

Just a fun little chapter, bit of Kazubisha and finding out the artist is actually Hiyori's brother at the end

Yato showing up to Masaomi and bynpinf into Hiyori after avoiding her for 2 months

'Just friends?' Yato what did you expect

For grandma Iki it's on sight she knows bad vibes when she sees them

Wonder if the Iki family can be like Father's lifeline for Yato

'Even one so immaculate and become bewitched by evil' Yukine downfall forshadowing

Grandma Iki asking will you protect my grandchildren vs recent chapter I hate life

'You've been my god of fortune for a long time' I'm so sad Adachitoka you make me so sad

Nora warning Yukine about Kazuma lol

Tsuguha breaking and that whole aftermath was... yeah

Saku suppressed his names with a spell but he's still out if it tbh

Kazuma be like lol I might be indebted to Yato but I'll still betray you

Vol 15

Time for Heaven arc

Yukine tells them Kazuma has betrayed them

Bishamon crying over surviving her shinki like babe she could've survived too if you released her

8 millions gods? Stop breeding

'I exist only for Viinas sake' get you a man who loves you this much

Yukine starting to have dreams about his past hnnnnnn

It must've been a ballache to draw the robes in heavens arc rip Adachitoka

It was a different shinki who got Ebisu, I wonder what form they take

Yato unsure of joining Heaven after Ebisu's death

Yato talks of defying heaven lol not foreshadowing at all

Then immediately asskissing to keep his god status

'I'd rather be a piece of shit' you are <3

Yato and Hiyori encouraging reconciliation between Yukine and Kazuma

Yato inviting Hiyori to heavens party

Tenjin didn't choose human guidepost because he knows they can betray you

Bishamon pissed Kazuma used resound on Yukine

Where's Suzuha's grave hmm I guess the cherry tree is it tbf since they visit it

Wish we saw more Bishamon and Hiyori

Yato as an obvious wolf in sheep's clothing

'To be blessed is to be buried' Yukine took it seriously

Foreshadowing of a god possessing a hafuri going rogue

I think this was the first chapter that released once I caught up with the manga

Everyone's so cute in their formal gowns, I like how Yukine's is blue and Hiyori's is probably red

Takemika being a little bitch to Ebisu

Popularity contest of the Gods and Stationmaster Tama appearing was such a nice touch

Matchmaking ceremony

Yato face when Kofuku says Hiyori's soulmate hsnbd

Yama is with her soulmate already that's cute

Hiyori literally watching her future being decided for her

It's so funny that all the soulmates are just like Yato

Oh Kofuku why did you tie it do you know what happened I'm so sad

Kiun vs Yukine

Hafuri sealed away foreshadowing

Takemika fight foreshadowing

Obtaining a hafuri requires an enemy which is why Takemika is so eager for a chance to fight

Bishamon gone missing and then it's like 2 years of stress

Hiyori wondering what it means that Kofuku tied thier plaques hhaaaaaa

Emishi bear god is so cute he won't kill you

Adachitoka working native gods in and their subdued nature with heaven, being happy to just live on their own land, being cultivated from reincarnation to make sure they don't defy again

After everything when asked his nature Yato still thinks of why he was born

Hafuri mono lore

Oh Kiun is so small circling Takemika in his little dragon form

Takemika needs to fuck off a bit no wonder you don't have a hafuri with that attitude

Yes Takemika you are pathetic whining for a hafuri

Oh no he's getting horny just thinking about getting a hafuri

Bishamon promising Heavens head to the hafuri

Marilyn Monroe moment for Bishamon I really love that dress

Shikki is such a look, our Batmon

Vol 16

Once again the serve on this outfit? Deadly

One year since they all met and it's Yukine's birthday (I'm ignoring what's about to happen)

Hiyori prayer to all be friends again hnn

Bishamon knowing how to track the Sorcerer from eye contact

Quick Father flashback, it's funnier knowing that he caused her death by driving her away

Heaven shows up so quick compared to the final arc lol

High treason declared against Bishamon

Ebisu trying to veto the subjugation order

Kofuku dead

Wonder what the other 7 unpardonable crimes are

Nora playing up to yukine to make sure Bishamon dies

Why did they change my balls are tingling

Ysto soft spot for Bishamon

Yukine having 50 aneurysms about yato revealing himself

Yatobisha dreams crushed they don't want a happing ending together

Yato can't reincarnate? Father stop gaslighting

Hiyori coming in with the steel chair on Father go girl

This is the most battle intensive we've been since like yomi

Hiyori showing up and fixing Yato's arm

Yato not abandoning Bishamon and wanting to live her innocence

Yukine crying because he wants to keep Yato safe

Vol 17

Kazuma offering to take Bishamon’s place for execution

Yato really is such a good fighter

'You aren't capable of truly loving people' Kazuma is self aware Bishamon doesn't feel that way (or does she)

'I will see him again' oh we didn't believe this for so long it took like 7 years

'He'll realise that he can't save anyone' vs recent chapter

Child Bishamon being punished by Father

Kazuma spell to help Yato and he's not even made up with Yukine yet

Bishamon god of calamity image

The Reveal that Nora knew her past already had us so shook

Nana past revealed and she was able to overcome it gave us so much hope for Yukine

Kazuma really thinks highly of himself lol of course they don't want a shinki to die instead of the traitor

Takemika being banned from lightning ad a child because of his nature

Mad how Takemika died from like a thousands cuts since the shinki slashed him to death along with the ayakashi

Takemika hiding his lightning and Kiun does it for him, they're such a good match

Yato Sekki bondage

Kiun puts himself in harm to make Takemika act and it works (not instantly)

Oh go crazy Takemika

What a form Takemika let him be a dragon

Yato shielding Sekki from the lightning because he's breaking a little

Once again the art is insane this entire arc

'I can't let Yato die no matter what' vs recent chapter

DO YOU THINK I'LL LET YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME

I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO PROTECT YOU

Kazuma is such a psycho I want one

Damn kazuma stayed in human form for 5 years never being called

Bishamon asking for a pet name

Kiun stuck on the shinki are objects for the god narrative

Takemika got that female rage go girl

God remember when he cut Yato's neck and we freaked this actually reminds me of Yato and father

'But mine will always be on my side'

That line up of Yukine's eyes with Yato's face

Splitting the dragon in half

Kiun bowing and allowing Takemika to be who he is

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moo-nstone · 4 years ago

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ASTRO OBSERVATIONS [part 5]

— people with jupiter in the 8th may experience an “abundance” of traumatic experiences throughout life, often relating to death; these are the people who truly feel like everyone they love ends up dying. at their worst, they can become desensitized to death— jupiter is ruled by sagittarius, a sign known for being in denial when in difficult situations in favor of optimism. these natives can pretend like nothing actually happened, or minimize the situation in their head so that they don’t have to face it.

— okay this might be a weird one... like, you know in asoiaf when arya was walking through the streets and was always like “i’m as quiet as a shadow”? that’s literally the energy of someone with planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house. these people are so stealthy. they’re able to move so quietly and without anyone noticing, both literally and figuratively. on one hand, they’re very quiet about their plans and ambitions to the point where other people only find out when they’re achieving success over it; on the other hand, they just. don’t like making noise while walking idk bitch you’ll only see me coming when i’m right beside you, i even get paranoid that i’m breathing too loud and that other people will hear

— people with moon aspecting mars can be incredibly impulsive when they feel hurt or triggered. yall need to be careful with doing things in the heat of the moment that you know you’ll regret later... but in the moment, you feel so hurt that it clouds your rational side. please be more self-aware about this because you may make decisions that will directly affect you for the worse in the future

— people with leo mars ft. constantly asking you for pictures... about anything. they just wanna SEE LMFAO THEY DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS THEY’RE SEEING. you just got ready to go out? “send pics of your makeup and your full outfit”. you’re waiting in a long boring line to get the covid vaccine? “send pics of the line”. your mom baked cake? “send pics of the cake”. plus they send so many random pictures while texting, it’s their special love language

— having moon conjunct moon/venus in synastry feels insane. you tell them something you’ve been through, and they’re immediately like “that happened with me as well.” it doesn’t even have to be something grand, sometimes just very specific things you thought were particular about you. the amount of understanding that comes with this aspect in synastry can feel very new and intense especially if you’re used to seeing yourself as the “odd one out”, used to feeling isolated in your experiences

— people with pluto in the 1st house often feel the need to erase “traces” of their existence, for example deleting messages that they sent people, deleting all of their social media posts. they can feel anxious and paranoid about other people having access to their past self, even if the past self in question is from, like. a week ago

— people with chiron in the water houses (4th/8th/12th) might’ve suffered bullying to the point where they repress their memories. a lot of their memories of their school years may feel foggy if they were bullied in those years

— also. people with chiron in the 8th house may feel as though they’ve been punished for wanting to experience intimacy. it’s like, the people who were supposed to be the closest to them – for example, their sibling or something – were the ones who hurt them the most.

— people with mercury-neptune aspects and strong pisces/neptune energy in their birth chart might struggle with only remembering things when they’re right in front of them. you should keep things in your peripheral vision to remind you of reality, especially when it comes to feelings— so that you won’t start getting lost inside your own head. like... keep the letters your friends wrote you by your bedside table so you can read them every time your brain starts convincing you that you’re not loved. keep the gifts you’ve been sent on display in your bedroom wall, or sentimental material things that remind you of past happy experiences.

— earth placements and their thing for asmr... omfg. it’s like they’re always looking for things to up their sensory experience/sensitivity. like, earth signs are the ones most connected to worldly experiences so they feel so soothed with the whole asmr experience: just hearing someone gently whispering or tapping on/scratching things calms them down and helps them fall asleep. they love the tingles it’s heaven for them

— moon-saturn aspects might hold and caress themselves while they sleep because their parents never did. yes i woke up and chose violence <3 your secret is NOT safe with me 💋

— while we’re on the topic of sleeping, a majority of the pisces moons i know need to sleep while hugging something, at least a pillow. they can’t just not hug something while they sleep, it’s very instinctive for them. anyways if any pisces moon needs a pillow to hold, i volunteer as tribute 💋

— virgo placements feel sososo soothed by hearing their cats purr. thinking about how my virgo placement friends are always the ones who send me videos of them petting their cats... and then i get soothed by how soothed they feel. it’s a win win situation, if you have virgo placements it’s hereby your duty to send me a video of you petting your cat while they purr. right now. GO

— people with gemini in the 3rd house might have shaky movements of the hands when other people look at them doing things. very specific i know but the third house rules hands and gemini is a sign that has somewhat of an anxious, twitchy quality to it. on the other hand, people with capricorn in the 3rd house (scorpio risings, using whole signs) have the steadiest hands i’ve ever seen lol their movements ooze confidence, these bitches know how to make you feel as thought they know exactly what they’re doing

— people with venus in the 1st house ft. altering their pics with photoshop and hating posting selfies without filters because they never feel like their appearance is good enough. stop it. you don’t need to always look your best and especially not if your ‘best’ isn’t even what you actually look like. also... don’t even think about making self-deprecative jokes about your appearance. next time i find one of yall saying “ahaha im not bad for a 5 without talent” i’m squishing your head between 2 pieces of toast and calling you an idiot sandwich. you’re BEAUTIFUL

— having venus in the 3rd house in composite with someone? do you mean calling each other the absolute ugliest nicknames in the most endearing way?

— leo deals with themes of the ego, and it seems that leo placements often struggle with attracting narcissistic people into their life... leo suns/mercuries can be raised by loud, overbearing, narcissistic parents who see their kid as an extension of themselves and who teach the kid to always be very supportive and caring towards them or else they’ll deny them of words of affirmation-- either by insulting them to shatter their self-esteem or simply never complimenting the kid back. leo moons/mars/venus tend to attract narcissistic partners who only care about serving their own emotional needs and ignore the ones of their partner, and who feed off of their supportive and giving nature. which is why leo placements really need to watch out for being gullible, naïve and dismissing the red flags because my god, you be falling for some shady people.

— people with personal planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house might feel like they can’t let go of their past life— they may dream of memories, people or places from another life. it’s like they can’t detach from it, and even if they can’t directly remember their past life, it’s like they feel it in their bones. also, they might’ve felt... estranged from their family ever since childhood; there may have been feelings of being unable to emotionally connect to their (often, distant) parents, and they might’ve even wondered if they were adopted because of how different they felt to the rest of the family.

— okay so, a thing that people with saturn in the 3rd house need to look out for is mentally checking out of conversations while they’re still happening. these people can detect when they’re being manipulated really fast and their way of dealing with it can be to immediately shut down, to grow cold and silent and not even bother answering when you’re expected to respond. and, like, that’s great when someone starts screaming at you or being insulting/trying to coerce you into shit, but take notice if you find yourself shutting your loved ones out as soon as they say anything that triggers you. don’t simply detach from them, communicate what’s wrong

— aries placements, ESPECIALLY aries suns and moons, value generosity so much and they get so turned off by stingy ppl who don’t share with others, especially when others need it. like.. if you’re hanging out in a group with them and someone asks for a bite of your food because they have no money and you say no... espect them to never respect you. ever.

— people with libra placements use soooo many adjectives to describe things. something can’t just be beautiful, it has to be DIVINE and CELESTIAL and INTOXICATING. they can be so expressive god it’s so fcking funny

— capricorn placements HATE asking others for advice because they think no one knows better than them (and they’re not wrong, lol). when they truly care for someone, they might ask the person for advice simply as a sign that they respect, trust and value their judgement. even if they don’t plan on taking it LMFAO

— people with mars in a water sign can have this terrible habit of expecting other people to guess what they want. and then they get passive agressive when you don’t instinctively feel what it is they want... and when you ask them “do you want this?”, they go like “FINALLY. i thought you’d never get there”. stop it. i know that you want people to understand you in a way that transcends words, but you can’t expect people to read your mind and then get disappointed when they don’t, thinking “oh if they loved me that much then they would’ve known that i really want chipotle for dinner :(” GIRL WHAT. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS

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silverlightqueen · 5 years ago

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rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you wanna know better☺️

nickname: sim, simmy, simba, simsim and my best friend @silverlightprincess calls me babes and bitch lmao

zodiac sign: virgo and I’m the perfect example of one too, like I’m such a virgo it’s crazy

height: 5’4.5’’

hogwarts house: I’m a slytherin through and through🐍

last thing I googled: whether squirrels can get into air conditioning systems bc me and my friend were having an argument about it lmao (we still don’t know, google did not have any clear answers🥺)

fave musicians: bts, the weeknd, 5sos, twice, zayn (and I love hundreds of others but I can’t think of them rn)

song stuck in my head: only the song of the mf year, FANCY🤘🏽 (vote it for soty at the mama awards you cowards)

following: 60

followers: 799 (which I still cannot believe)

do I get asks: sometimes yeah, but I wish I got more, I like talking to y’all👉🏽👈🏽🥺

amount of sleep: either 2 hours or twelve, there’s no in between (maybe a slight exaggeration, I get like 5-6 hours on week nights and then like a solid 10-11 on weekends🤪)

what I’m wearing: I’m wearing a pair of blue ripped high waisted jeans, my school leavers black hoodie over a black t-shirt with ‘the future is female’ written on it in Chinese, black ankle socks, a rose gold daisy ring and a gold necklace with the letter L as a pendant

dream job: I’d love to be a dancer/singer/actress bc I’m in love with the arts, and an activist/philanthropist bc I’m a firm believer in equal rights (vote labour and democrats cowards, fuck brexit and trump)

dream trip: tokyo. I love everything about Japanese culture, society, food, fashion, everything, and it literally the number one thing to do before I die. it’s a shame I’m broke🤪

instruments: I used to play the cello in like year 4 but I broke it and then quit before my teacher found out so my parents wouldn’t have to pay for a replacement for the school lmao wild since day one

languages: English (barely), Spanish and a lil bit of Punjabi

10 fave songs: how tf am I supposed to choose ? if I had to say my faves at the moment:

LBD - Becky G

She’s Awesome - Wassup Rocker

Spring Day - BTS

Feel Special - Twice

Fake & True - Twice

Indigo - 88rising & Niki

Kitchen Kings - D-Block Europe

47 - Sidhu Moosewala, Mist, Stefflon Don & Steel Banglez

Martini Blue - DPR Live

Dollar - Becky G

10 chill songs: omg okay here goes

Redbone - Childish Gambino (honestly one of the most iconic songs in my life)

Could’ve Been - H.E.R & Bryson Tiller

Let Me - Zayn

Vapor - 5 Seconds Of Summer

I Feel It Coming - The Weeknd

Lost In Japan - Shawn Mendes

Her Way - PartyNextDoor

Outro: Do You Think It Makes Sense? - BTS

Finders Keepers - Mabel & Kojo Funds

Blem - Drake

10 energetic songs: y’all I’m about to put my hype/city girl playlist and write the first ten songs get ready

Wiggle It - City Girls & French Montana

Strike A Pose - Young T & Bugsey, Aitch

Dinero - JLo, DJ Khaled & Cardi B

Funky Friday - Dave & Fredo

Caroline - Amine

Unforgettable - Swae Lee & French Montana

Know Yourself - Drake

Motorola - Da Beatfreakz, Deno, Dappy & Swarmz

Cypher 4 - BTS

Ion Like You - Molly Brazzy

random fact: um my university application gets sent off in the next few weeks and I’m super nervous bc I really wanna go to UoB but I’m scared they won’t give me an offer bc so many people all over the world apply to Birmingham🥺

my aesthetic: um okay, autumn leaves, bright sun on cold winter days, little black dresses and sparkly chokers, high waisted jeans and high heels that kill my feet, fitted sweatpants and oversized hoodies, long nails and white toes, hot chocolate, starry nights, tatty books, snowy trees, curtains blowing in the breeze on a warm day, fluffy sliders, pink pinafores, bucket hats, velvet scrunches, the smell of baking, sleeping with the window open, polaroids, girls’ nights in (and out🤪), family movie nights, stargazing, messy nights

thank you @brinnalaine bby for tagging me🥰

imma tag @arvbellas @conslackin @keylowmonie @darling-marvel @anothershorthuman @booklover240 @khaoticamour @bldvnbln @surviving-in-neverland bc I wanna know more about y’all🥺 (ion know 21 people sorry💀)

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thecloserkin · 6 years ago

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book review: Marian Veevers, Jane & Dorothy (2018)

Genre: Biography

Is it the main pairing: Yes

Is it canon: Yes

Is it explicit: No

Is it endgame: No

Is it shippable: Yes

Bottom line: Y’all fools: Stanning Lord Byron and his half-sister Augusta whom he didn’t even meet until he was nearly grown, never mind whether he actually knocked her up. Me, an intellectual: William and Dorothy Wordsworth are right there, eloping to the countryside and spending the rest of their days holed up in a picturesque cottage composing poetry.

First let’s have a detour where I yell about Crimson Peak (2015, dir. Guillermo del Toro). A few of the recent asks about incest vs. the patriarchy got me thinking about this line from Jane & Dorothy: “the malevolent power of married women over their spinsters-in-law.” Between the wife and the unmarried sister it’s obvious who has more power and it’s clearly not the spinster sister-in-law—and yet Guillermo del Toro would have us believe that Edith in Crimson Peak is helpless before Lucille’s resistance to giving up the skeleton key (the one that opens every room in the house). Edith is made out to be the victim of Lucille’s bloodthirsty unhinged jealousy, when she’s not only THE WIFE she’s got ALL THE MONEY, she’s literally holding all the cards??? It doesn’t add up. This biography is the antidote to that. It looks at the paucity of options open to your average 19th century girl who just wants a Room of One’s Own to write in, and situates her bid for freedom in the context of having no good options. The trouble with “Crimson Peak” was not that Edith wasn’t relatable or that I didn’t identify with her; when Thomas tears her down in that faux-breakup speech he attacks her on the terrain where she’s most vulnerable, her abilities as a writer. The trouble with Crimson Peak was that this beat would have hit so much harder had it landed on Lucille, a woman who’s WAY more vulnerable than Edith by dint of having (1) no marriage prospects and (2) no inheritance. Without Thomas this bitch has (3) no survival strategy either! Otoh take away Thomas and Edith is still left with her dad’s $$$, Edith still has Alan waiting in the wings to swoop in & save her, in other words Edith will be just fine. No wonder Lucille feels so threatened!! The situations are not even comparable. Here then is Jane & Dorothy which offers two case studies of women whose impulse to write & create was just as strong as Edith’s, but whose plight was much closer to Lucille’s ie. precarious as fuck.

I picked this book up because it’s actually a dual biography of Dorothy Wordsworth and Jane Austen, and I’m a basic bitch and Jane Austen is my eternal favorite. I’m going to focus on the Dorothy chapters but rest assured I read the Jane chapters with equal gusto. Jane Austen (b. 1775) and Dorothy Wordsworth (b. 1771) were both born into the British pseudo-gentry, which means they were too highborn to go and get a paying gig as a governess or companion but not highborn enough to have any independent source of income (neither of them had a dowry settled on them). While the two women never crossed paths, the arcs of their lives run in parallel as they pursue divergent strategies to secure their futures. So the primary imperative here is to avoid a life of domestic drudgery. But the secondary imperative, because these are both perceptive girls with rich inner lives, is this:

For an intelligent woman, confined to a society which denies her higher education and restricts her existence largely to the home, the male companion with whom she shares her life is her chief provider, not only of security and affection, but of intellectual stimulation.

This is a popular romance novel plot, do I want to marry a man who is a bore (possibly also a boor) or do I want to starve hmmmm. The point is that women are frequently starved for both affection and intellectual stimulation, and it’s little wonder Dorothy fell so hard for her brother William when he showered her with both. Dorothy and William were separated as children when, after the death of their mother, she was sent to live with an aunt in West Yorkshire (she was seven, he was eight). Nine years later they reconnected and sparks flew almost immediately. I mean I think their letters speak for themselves:

”the last time we were Together William won my Affection to a Degree which I cannot describe.”

What kind of brother needs to “win” his sister’s affection? Most of them treat sisters like furniture.

”Never have my eyes burst upon a scene of particular loveliness,” he wrote, “but I have wished that you could be transported to the place where I stood to enjoy it.”

standard “everything beautiful either reminds me of you, or makes me want to share it with you” pablum but EXTREMELY effective for all that

but enough he is my brother, why should I describe him? I shall be launching again into panegyric

Dorothy: hahaha but don’t you think my brother was looking mighty fiiiiiine today

”his attentions to me were such as the most insensible of mortals must have been touched with”

”I assure you so eager is my desire to see you that all obstacles vanish. I see you in a moment running or rather flying to my arms.”

That letter is from William, and you have to remember that William was supposed to be a huge dick who routinely ignored his friends’ missives leaving them in suspense whether he was alive or dead and yet he managed a lively & regular correspondence with Dorothy for years before they moved in together. It’s almost like he treated her … special.

”that sympathy which will almost identify us when we have stole to our little cottage”

These kids are already plotting their elopement jfc! Here are some snippets from Dorothy’s diary from much later, after they have in fact achieved The Dream of their own cottage:

”After dinner we made a pillow of my shoulder, I read to him and my Beloved slept.”

”The fire flutters and the watch ticks and I hear nothing save the Breathing of my Beloved and he now and then pushes his book forward and turns over a leaf.” It is a picture of domestic contentment such as Jane Austen draws to portray a genuinely happy marriage.

”After we came in we sat in deep silence at the window — I on a chair and William with his hand on my shoulder. We were deep in Silence and love, a blessed hour.”

This is literally #goals. Veevers points out that “the conflation of marriage with home, spinsterhood with insecurity” meant that “William was promising the kind of permanence and safety which women usually found in marriage.” Dorothy really thought she could Have It All: a home of her own and a rich, stimulating intellectual life shared with the man she loved. And she proceeded to spend the rest of her life making fair copies of his poems. Hell, she pushed him to be a poet in the first place (it was not at all clear initially that this was the best plan for William, who could just have easily have embarked on a career as a political polemicist, but it was Dorothy who pushed him to be a poet, Dorothy who spent the rest of her life copying out his verses in her fairer hand). Early on Dorothy & William befriended the poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who was so envious of their bond that he complained, “You have all in each other, but I am lonely, and want you!” Can you b e l i e v e Coleridge actually said that. If one of you hoes doesn’t write me the William/Dorothy Historical RPF that’s Coleridge Outsider POV I s2g I will do my damnedest to die of consumption.

Veveers sums it up this way: “It was a relationship few women would be able to have with their husbands, for, at the time, the two sexes were expected to inhabit different mental landscapes.” To put it bluntly women had ovaries instead of brains; they just weren’t interested in the same stuff a man was. Otoh you have William and Dorothy Wordsworth, actual soulmates: the historical consensus is there is “some uncertainty as to whether she would be best described as muse, emotional support, secretary or co-author.” And she didn’t hide it, either. This is where you really see the difference between Dorothy, who is so open, and Austen heroines like Eleanor Dashwood (Sense & Sensibility), Fanny Price (Mansfield Park) or Anne Eliot (Persuasion) who also feel things deeply but had to regulate the bejeezus out of their emotional responses. This is Dorothy:

After any separation her joy at meeting her brother again was uncontrollable. “I believe I screamed,” she admitted on one occasion when there were witnesses.

Uncontrollable screaming in front of witnesses every time she’s reunited with her brother??? WE STAN. This is how low Dorothy’s spirits sink whenever he’s gone:

”I slept in Wm.’s bed, and I slept badly, for my thoughts were full of William.”

adkfjdkfjdkfjdk I just want to add that when William is home the floorboards are so thin that she can hear him pacing in the bedroom above hers, so his insomnia keeps both of them up at night but she doesn’t mind, she can’t sleep until he falls asleep, she would probably give up a kidney or a lung if she thought it would sell 500 more copies for him. I’m torn between GIRL HE AIN’T WORTH IT and stanning her even harder for being so ride or die on any topic that touches her brother (later, when he has kids, she decides William’s kids are smarter and better-looking than everyone else’s kids).

This is the most iconic line in the entire book, from a letter Dorothy writes to an interfering relative who deplores Dorothy’s judgment for throwing in her lot with a penniless failson like William:

”I affirm that I consider the character and virtues of my brother sufficient protection”

The icily scathing tone of the setdown is PERFECTION. But also, this just in your brother abandoned his pregnant Catholic mistress in France. You know this. Yet here you are gallivanting around the countryside in his company. In fact, when he proves too much of a coward to tell your uncle himself about the existence of said pregnant mistress—this is the uncle who funded all of William’s education and reasonably expects some return on it—he delegates Dorothy to break the news. Dorothy also winds up in charge of all correspondence with the poor girl, who writes occasionally asking for a little money or when is William coming back to France to marry me, and it’s Dorothy who has to fob her off. And this whole incident—the revelation of the French mistress, the break with the family, William refusing to take holy orders to become a clergyman—is so pivotal in their relationship! They were close before but this is the irrevocable step when Dorothy decides to join her fate to his. And her motivation could not be clearer:

William’s outspoken affection for her seems to have first aroused a reciprocal love in Dorothy, but it was his fall from grace, his isolation and his need of a friend, which provided the final catalyst that raised her gradually deepening affection into wholehearted, single-minded devotion.

She saw his need and responded almost involuntarily. She is a RESCUER.

Dorothy, was in one way, very fortunate to have fallen in love with her brother. “Rambling around the country on foot” with a slightly disreputable brother might bring down the censure of her more conventional relatives, but it was a good deal safer than rambling about with a man who was not a brother.

This is the kind of behavior that if two unrelated people engaged in it must have resulted in the man being honor-bound to extend an offer of marriage, because a woman has nothing if she doesn’t have her virtue. Two siblings roaming the countryside, picking flowers and wading thru streams and stargazing? My god what PRIME fodder for fake married tropes! Just present yourself at the first inn you come to as a married couple and then guess what? There was only one bed!!!!

at Grasmere “there was an unnatural tale current of Wordsworth … having been intimate with his own sister.”

tell me MOAR omg this is so deliciously Gothic i keep thinking about that line from Wuthering Heights “whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

at Alfoxton, “the master of the house,” it was said, “had no wife with him, but only a woman who passes for his sister.”

PASSES for his sister trololololol like they don’t act the way you’d expect of a brother and sister, like they’re too into each other.

And it was generally accepted that immorality and radical anti-British sentiment went together.

But really William got much more staid and less radical as he got older, and Dorothy was never political because her energies were centered on William William William. On top of which it’s hard to overlook the fact that William would go into Dorothy’s journals and “borrow” her words and publish them verbatim as his own; he felt as entitled to her intellectual labor as her domestic labor, and there is nothing radically egalitarian about that. So I definitely don’t think this is a case where incest is subversive so much as incest illuminating existing hierarchies & oppressions. Veveers writes: “An unmarried woman’s hold on her own time was extremely fragile. She could be made use of in any crisis, transported against her wishes” to fulfill another family members’ needs. Jane Austen’s sister Cassandra evidently shouldered both their weights when it came to this sort of emotional labor: writing letters of thanks & condolence, minding their brothers’ children, calming hypochondriac aunts down, attending births of little nephews & nieces. Cassandra doing all this extra labor gave Jane the space and time to write. Moreover Jane had formed the ambition to write. Dorothy, on the other hand, thought anything worth saying was already being said by William. And she didn’t have her own Cassandra to share the unceasing burden of housework with:

In fact, the domestic labor and childcare that lay ahead of Dorothy were almost indistinguishable from the duties she had escaped at Forncett rectory. But now she was to be living in a home she had chosen, with a man she loved.

Did it matter in the end, Dorothy’s rebellion? If she’d remained a hanger-on in her uncle’s household, living on his charity, her life would not have been outwardly all that different. I have to believe that her choices did matter, of course. It would be easy to sit here and speculate that if Dorothy had not poured all her mental and physical resources into supporting William’s career, she too might have produced another Pride & Prejudice, but naturally we cannot know that. What we know is that Dorothy and William were 100% in love, a fact that anyone with a modicum of reading comprehension can verify by reading their letters. Why is this not more widely discussed? William Wordsworth was not exactly an obscure poet. The explanation, again, comes back to patriarchy:

The idea that Dorothy might have inspired (or felt) desire at Dove Cottage was as abhorrent to mid-20th century academics as it was to gentlemen of the early 19th century … who preferred to think of unmarried women drooping and degenerating after the age of 25, rather than maintaining a subversive and disturbing sexuality.

I wish I could say that William and Dorothy grew old together at Dove Cottage. What actually happened is he got married (she talked him into it—she chose a mutual friend of theirs whom they’d known for ages) and accidentally fell in love with his wife oops. His new wife was neither young nor pretty, in fact she was painfully plain, but that William became genuinely attached to her there can be no doubt. Dorothy continued to live with them and look after their children until her death. So I think we have avoided the worst case scenario, the malevolent-power-of-the-married-woman-ruins-her-spinster-in-law’s-life scenario: This is what happened to Jane Austen when Jane’s father unexpectedly announced his retirement, uprooting Jane and Cassandra from the Steventon rectory where they’d lived all their lives and forcibly removing them to Bath, where Jane was so miserable she did no writing for years. All this upheaval on account of Jane’s brother and his wife wanting the Steventon rectory and its income for their own! The accursed woman was probably measuring the drapes before she’d moved in. Anyway, it is fortunate this open enmity did not characterize Dorothy Wordsworth’s relationship with her sister in law; they were fast friends and they remained friends after the latter’s marriage to William. But instead of William-and-Dorothy forming the nucleus of life at Dove Cottage now it was William-and-Mary, and if this did not sting at least a little Dorothy would not be human. She had been supplanted in William’s heart. I CRY.

Because I’m literal shipper trash I want to end on the bittersweet note of SIBLINGS EXCHANGING RINGS AS A SYMBOL OF COMMITMENT EVEN THO THEY CAN’T LEGALLY GET MARRIED. This is Dorothy’s description of the morning of William and Mary’s wedding, right before they leave the house to attend the ceremony:

”I gave him the wedding ring—with how deep a blessing! I took it from my forefinger where I had worn it the whole of the night before—he slipped it again onto my finger and blessed me fervently.” It might be said that William married her before he married Mary, and that Dorothy was making a promise in that upstairs room try like the one Mary was about to make in church.

it’s been two months since I read this book and i’m STILL SCREECHING byeeeee

#dorothy wordsworth #book review

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leakedinlondon · 8 years ago

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Hey Courtney I'm going on my first over seas flight in 5 days time (like 20 hours or something with a brief lay over???) and I'm in desperate need of book recs. 21 year old female I like Harry Potter, dystopian future stuff, gay stuff especially wlw and also really love shitty cheesey light hearted stuff like Janet Evanovich. Would love your opinion!

tragically, i hav not read a lot of wlw books bc i’m a picky bitch about genres and a lot of the ones i know about are realistic fiction which i ain’t big on but i do recommend checking out Malinda Lo i rly like Adaptation which features a bi love triangle and aliens and has a part where some dude is talking about aliens and just starts humming the x files theme and that dude is me also i have heard v good things about Ash and Huntress but my bookstore doesn’t sell them and i’m like???? why

ok SO i hav a v v long dystopian masterpost if ur down to go through it but i’ll give u my faves from it here!!!!

Chaos Walking by Patrick Ness

Prentisstown isn't like other towns. Everyone can hear everyone else's thoughts in an overwhelming, never-ending stream of Noise. Just a month away from the birthday that will make him a man, Todd and his dog, Manchee -- whose thoughts Todd can hear too, whether he wants to or not -- stumble upon an area of complete silence. They find that in a town where privacy is impossible, something terrible has been hidden -- a secret so awful that Todd and Manchee must run for their lives.

these books!!!! are everything!!!!! if you haven’t read them u 100% should i swear they’re so fkn good

Unwind by Neal Shusterman

The Second Civil War was fought over reproductive rights. The chilling resolution: Life is inviolable from the moment of conception until age thirteen. Between the ages of thirteen and eighteen, however, parents can have their child "unwound," whereby all of the child's organs are transplanted into different donors, so life doesn't technically end. Connor is too difficult for his parents to control. Risa, a ward of the state, is not enough to be kept alive. And Lev is a tithe, a child conceived and raised to be unwound. Together, they may have a chance to escape and to survive.

i would die for Lev literally die for him at any given second this is also a very good series

The Passage by Justin Cronin

An epic and gripping tale of catastrophe and survival, The Passage is the story of Amy—abandoned by her mother at the age of six, pursued and then imprisoned by the shadowy figures behind a government experiment of apocalyptic proportions. But Special Agent Brad Wolgast, the lawman sent to track her down, is disarmed by the curiously quiet girl and risks everything to save her. As the experiment goes nightmarishly wrong, Wolgast secures her escape—but he can’t stop society’s collapse. And as Amy walks alone, across miles and decades, into a future dark with violence and despair, she is filled with the mysterious and terrifying knowledge that only she has the power to save the ruined world.

haven’t gotten around to reading the last book in this series yet but they are seriously epic like i swear this series is something else entirely

Maggot Moon by Sally Gardner

What if the football hadn’t gone over the wall. On the other side of the wall there is a dark secret. And the devil. And the Moon Man. And the Motherland doesn’t want anyone to know. But Standish Treadwell — who has different-colored eyes, who can’t read, can’t write, Standish Treadwell isn’t bright — sees things differently than the rest of the "train-track thinkers." So when Standish and his only friend and neighbor, Hector, make their way to the other side of the wall, they see what the Motherland has been hiding. And it’s big...One hundred very short chapters, told in an utterly original first-person voice, propel readers through a narrative that is by turns gripping and darkly humorous, bleak and chilling, tender and transporting.

this book broke my damn heart and ruined my life but oh my god it’s so good also a lil gay but like i said sad but it’s more 2 do with the setting like.... it doens’t have a happy ending but it felt right like that?????

More Than This by Patrick Ness

A boy drowns, desperate and alone in his final moments. He dies.Then he wakes, naked and bruised and thirsty, but alive.How can this be? And what is this strange deserted place?As he struggles to understand what is happening, the boy dares to hope. Might this not be the end? Might there be more to this life, or perhaps this afterlife?

this is my favorite book!!!!!! i would die for it!!!! i want to buy enough copies to fill an entire room of my house so i can just sit in it and cry!!!! this book is literally everything!!!! also gay!!!! she’s also sad but like...... i cannot express in words how much u need to read this damn book

Bird Box by Josh Malerman

Something is out there, something terrifying that must not be seen. One glimpse of it, and a person is driven to deadly violence. No one knows what it is or where it came from.Five years after it began, a handful of scattered survivors remains, including Malorie and her two young children. Living in an abandoned house near the river, she has dreamed of fleeing to a place where they might be safe. Now that the boy and girl are four, it's time to go, but the journey ahead will be terrifying: twenty miles downriver in a rowboat--blindfolded--with nothing to rely on but her wits and the children’s trained ears. One wrong choice and they will die. Something is following them all the while, but is it man, animal, or monster?

another one of my all time faves!!!!!! i don’t even know what to say this is a masterpiece

ok so here we move on to the more fantasy and gay stuff these are less sad

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can't pull it off alone...A convict with a thirst for revengeA sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wagerA runaway with a privileged pastA spy known as the WraithA Heartrender using her magic to survive the slumsA thief with a gift for unlikely escapes Kaz's crew are the only ones who might stand between the world and destruction—if they don't kill each other first.

this is.... so good.... also a little gay... hav heard the second book in the series is gayer but i haven’t read her yet

Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

That's what his roommate, Baz, says. And Baz might be evil and a vampire and a complete git, but he's probably right. Half the time Simon can't even make his wand work, and the other half, he sets something on fire. His mentor's avoiding him, his girlfriend broke up with him, and there's a magic-eating monster running around wearing Simon's face. Baz would be having a field day with all this, if he were here - it's their last year at Watford School of Magicks, and Simon's infuriating nemesis didn't even bother to show up. Carry On is a love letter to love stories and the power of words - to every 'chosen one' who ever had more on their mind than saving the world...

this book is literally just harry potter but gay and i’m still laughing i love it

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

The monster showed up after midnight. As they do.But it isn’t the monster Conor’s been expecting. He’s been expecting the one from his nightmare, the one he’s had nearly every night since his mother started her treatments, the one with the darkness and the wind and the screaming…This monster is something different, though. Something ancient, something wild. And it wants the most dangerous thing of all from Conor.It wants the truth.

can u tell i’m a fan of patrick ness i’m going to fucking fist fight him for this piece of shit like.... this book.... is about a little kid..... whose mother has cancer....... like u know it’s gonna be a fucking bad time but u read it anyway and u cry like a fucking baby but u enjoy the whole damn thing because u hate urself.... it’s a beautiful read but it hurts (((also yes there is a Literal Monster hanging around))

The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater

Every year, Blue Sargent stands next to her clairvoyant mother as the soon-to-be dead walk past. Blue herself never sees them—not until this year, when a boy emerges from the dark and speaks directly to her. His name is Gansey, and Blue soon discovers that he is a rich student at Aglionby, the local private school. Blue has a policy of staying away from Aglionby boys. Known as Raven Boys, they can only mean trouble.But Gansey is different. He has it all—family money, good looks, devoted friends—but he’s looking for much more. He is on a quest that has encompassed three other Raven Boys: Adam, the scholarship student who resents all the privilege around him; Ronan, the fierce soul who ranges from anger to despair; and Noah, the taciturn watcher of the four, who notices many things but says very little.For as long as she can remember, Blue has been told by her psychic family that she will kill her true love. She never thought this would be a problem. But now, as her life becomes caught up in the strange and sinister world of the Raven Boys, she’s not so sure anymore.

the description of this book doesn’t do it justice and i hate it i love these books i love my stupid raven kids i mainly love adam parrish who i would die for in a second ((also gay)) ((please read them if u haven’t i love adam so much he’s worth it)) ((the other characters are also amazing and i lov them too))

The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Black

Children can have a cruel, absolute sense of justice. Children can kill a monster and feel quite proud of themselves. A girl can look at her brother and believe they’re destined to be a knight and a bard who battle evil. She can believe she’s found the thing she’s been made for.Hazel lives with her brother, Ben, in the strange town of Fairfold where humans and fae exist side by side. The faeries’ seemingly harmless magic attracts tourists, but Hazel knows how dangerous they can be, and she knows how to stop them. Or she did, once.At the center of it all, there is a glass coffin in the woods. It rests right on the ground and in it sleeps a boy with horns on his head and ears as pointed as knives. Hazel and Ben were both in love with him as children. The boy has slept there for generations, never waking.Until one day, he does…As the world turns upside down, Hazel tries to remember her years pretending to be a knight. But swept up in new love, shifting loyalties, and the fresh sting of betrayal, will it be enough?

Hazel is literally me okay there is a scene in this book where she’s at a fairy party and u kno how ur not meant to eat or drink anything fairies give u or ur fucked???? hazel ingests fucking fairy wine bc it was in the mouth of some fairy girl she was making out with and if that isn’t me i don’t know what is (((also that’s the only scene that she shows any interest in girls i am very sorry i don’t want to get ur hopes up))) ((ben on the other hand he is very gay and is also me they are both me i love these two idiots this book just makes me really happy))

#Anonymous #asks

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magicatnip · 6 years ago

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my dumb story

My life is hidden in a shadow no one can see through, not even me.

My childhood was so abusive I remember little. Demon-spawn, I was, bitch, someone despised and faulty. I came to see myself this way. Even as I tidied the house to make it a little more peaceful, or made the boys birthday breakfasts, or dinner for mom and dad because I thought a date would help. I took such care of my stuffed animals and prayed my sheepdog, Crystal, would come alive so I would not be so lonely. I wanted something to cuddle, a friend to protect me.

I was not protected. My innocence was taken from me and I learned to hate my body. At 5 I looked in the mirror, noted my child pot-belly and considered myself disgusting. At 1, I rocked back and forth violently, slamming my head into things until I wore a crown of bruises. The doctor asked if there was abuse. “There was none.” Want to know a secret? I rock back and forth every day, whenever I am alone. I cannot stop. I cringe from the memories, the feelings, the darkness in my heart and belly which I fight with all my spirit, all my being. I want to live. I crave the light, I crave goodness and truth and... why, oh why, does this pain still tear at me? How can it remain a kind of torture?

I remember being crushed against the sliding door, unable to move, so I slid it open and ran. It was snowing. I was not wearing shoes. I knew he would be after me, unable to hold back once he had decided to hurt me. I was prey, and I scampered up a tree, so high. So close. I shook and wept and all I had were the needles to hide me.

He locked me in the bathroom with him and I was so uncomfortable as he shouted at me in the small, echoing room, backing me into a corner, spitting in my face. Once, when I was 8, he held me against the mirror by my throat and I could not breathe, for too long. I wondered if I would die.

He locked me in the car with him during school, when I misbehaved, and rage-drove around with me. I remember fantasizing about throwing myself out, if only to make it stop. I still cannot hold still in cars. It took me a long time to be able to wear the chest strap of a seat belt, so trapped did I feel there.

I sassed him at the dinner table, and earned a slap so hard blood sprayed from my nose. When I was 6, I was sent outside in the winter dusk without so much as a blanket, and told I was banished from the family. I remember sitting there with such a feeling of isolation, my heart so broken it felt like it was full of rainwater, of tears, but I could not cry. I knew they did not love me. It was no surprise, really. But who would have me? Where would I go?

He threatened to give me away to mean neighbors, he squeezed my head til it cracked and I thought it would burst like a melon, he twisted my arms and he threw me to the ground and he struck me until I wept and he had his victory. It became a matter of pride to resist tears. For then I would lose. I had nothing, nothing if not my will. But every time, he broke me. He told me with disgust that I was pathetic. I was so sensitive. I was angry, I tried to be tough, but Gods, I was tender. I wrote him letters telling him I still loved him after he hurt me terribly. And I did love him. I loved both of my parents, so much that I prayed I would die before them. While I responded with defiance outwardly, my closet and my cats heard many disconsolate tears while I hid to recover my strength and save face. I hated my life and I hated myself, truly.

Oftentimes I would wake at night unable to sleep, filled with this hollow sorrow, and wander out in the indigo night, under the stars, and there were my trees dreaming in slow, dusty winds. I would climb my pine, sit on a low, sturdy branch, press my face into the sweet-smelling bark, and cry. I felt its cool presence, its awareness center on me. I considered that tree my best friend, sad as it sounds, but it was always there, always calm. It soothed me.

My friends were a respite. I loved them as a puppy loves its people, eager to visit, eager to play, full of affections. But we kept moving. And my parents could not afford the gas money to drive across city or state to visit. I lost them all. We moved 13 times. I came home to eviction notices on the door, or to dad having lost his job, so we are moving to Montana. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe when we moved that far away from my best friend. They told me to shut up and to stop making everything a negative experience.

My friends were everything to me. They treated me kindly, our times were fun and simple, a magical, shining place apart from my life, my misery. They all went away. Eventually I stopped making friends. I decided to myself, people were not worth the heartbreak. And so my PTSD swallowed me whole.

I waited for someone in my family to see. I hoped a beloved uncle would see the tears of my cheek, sense, somehow, the pain I was being subjected to. I hated them, that they didn’t see... how could they not see, if they loved me? I failed school, first due to belligerence, then due to depression. I did not bother to shower oftentimes. I sat with my head on the desk, listless, or in a corner in the lobby, unable even to face class. When I was in class I could not listen. I looked out the windows and dreamed, dreamed of a place I had dreamed of since my youngest years... home... Great mountains and trees, fresh air, freedom, joy. Where was I? I looked around me and it was foreign. School was another failure, another prison. I waited to escape every day, so I could read or climb trees, find some sort of peace away from crushing expectations and angsty people.

See, I was an “empath” as well, and I would absorb the emotions of other students. And when I went home I felt like a sponge full of soot, or a black cloud, and I would collapse on the floor of my bedroom without even bothering to remove my bag. I wondered how I was alive.

For I did not eat but for a few hundred calories. I had little appetite and I was anorexic also. I did not sleep but for literally 2-4 hours. I had nightmares at night, and a waking nightmare during the day. I was utterly alone. Never had I felt human, but I felt more alien than ever, in a most negative way. Something was innately wrong with me. I was unlovable. And I began to define myself this way. To punish myself mentally, when dad was not there to, as it goes. I still hear, “You would not have any friends if anyone really knew you,” in my head sometimes. And it feels all too true.

And the worst things I will never, ever remember, if I can help it... or maybe I will have to in order to heal. I do not know. I made a bid for freedom as soon as I was 18, but 3 days after, and meant to go to the forest if only to get away. It meant little to me whether I made it out there. Anywhere, anywhere else. And nature was the only place I felt safe. The only place that wanted me unquestionably. I was rubbish, a waste, a loss, and no one would miss me anyway.

Mom got me a place for a little while and then I got my own with S, who I was with due to his kindness alone. So traumatized was I that I fell for the first to speak to me with a gentle word, to offer a gentle touch. But we brought out the worst in each other. I became darker.... He mocked my homelands, did not believe in spirits or anything that meant so much to me. He was very cynical for all his niceness, and quick to shoot down any dreamy ideas of mine. It was unintentionally cruel and it made things a lot worse for me. But he looked after me. It was a bad relationship, basically. I was losing myself more and more.... Where had my easy laughter gone, that sunlight I could summon not matter what opposed me? Gone. What was this anger, this desire to watch the world burn? My dreams grew darker... no more adventures, no more beautiful lands, only memories of abuse, every damn night, and I told nobody, not even S, because I was so shamed.... How weak was I, 20-something years old, and here my past was haunting me? Why bother being away if it all... came to devour me.... I was failing my friends, I rarely visited my family, I was a crappy wife, I hardly worked... what was there left? My present was so dark mentally and emotionally, my past ink-black, and I could see no future. I wished to die.

I self-harmed mindlessly, not intending to die or to live but merely to harm myself. That’s the plain truth of it. I regret it of course. And I ended up in the ER, and then a behavioral place, where somehow I felt free from S. I decided never to go back. After those 8 days, meeting so many wounded, big-hearted people, making friends, I don’t know... it felt like a new lease on life. I stayed with friends from the behavioral place, and mom, and divorced S. I was attacked by the husband of a friend with a knife, he was looking for his gun, I had to call the police (he was arrested and they eventually broke up, apparently he’d been abusing her for awhile so thank the Gods). And a month later, I was raped, but two months out of the behavioral place.

I met C and we had a passionate relationship for a couple of months, and then the darkness took me once more. I woke from nightmares of rape, torture, abuse, in tears, and instant panic. I was hysterical all day from then on. I would be soaked, soaked in sweat and tears, flinching and reliving every abuse done to me since childhood days. I wept and begged no one to stop. I kicked to escape, though no one was there. I was tortured, tortured every damn day for months, until I pulled myself out of it through sheer force of will because I could not stand to put C through my insanity anymore.

Since then it has been like holding the heaviest weight of my life off of me. Whenever it starts sinking down, my thoughts swirl and become... oh, cruel, telling me my deepest fears, all who I will lose, all I am doing wrong.... A cold floods me, like a chilled poison, burning my insides and making me sick. Pain pulls my back and shoulders down, and I am on my knees, suffering more than I have a right to be. I cannot function like that! I cannot live broken. So I hold myself together through sheer force of will. I repent for every stupid, cursed thing I’ve ever done, and I try so hard to be perfect. I’m sorry, everyone I let down. I no longer let the pain take me, the madness take me. I’ve gotten so strong. And you know what has motivated me? To grow strong instead of give up?

My little brothers, who are like children to me. I must be there for them, and for Christmas and birthdays... my Fi, my cub who is curled around my heart completely, and C, my mate whose back I am determined to have, who I am determined to care for and make feel safe the way he did for me for so long. I no longer wish to be the weak one, the insane one, the lost cause, the friendless, the trash that needs to be thrown away.

I wish to be the best of companions, one whose spirit is dauntless, one who can find laughter and cheer in the world despite everything. I want to fight injustice. I want to protect the women, the children, the animals. I understand the pain here, and it is too much, too harsh. I want to intervene however I may. Any soul I can enliven, any spirit I can spark to remembering itself and its passions, is enough reason to live. And I want to visit all of the beautiful nature here. It is so different everywhere you go, the soil smells different and is a different color, the native plants vary, the trees... hundreds, thousands of little worlds and infinite priceless moments of beauty. I want to draw my homelands, and paint them, and I want to write stories with deep, humorous characters and epic adventure, mystical places... I... I don’t know how I still have so much will to live, but I do. Maybe there is a part of me that holds that pain, which would fantasize about death still if I left it, but that part is broken and unreal. It was made that way. I remember who I am, who I was since I was small. I am an Elf and I will do my best to bring my world here and to set as many of us free as I may

As I defeat my demons, I hope to help others fight theirs also. We need to remember who we are and what we love. And I am here to help, I hope. Each day I watch my words, my gestures, my choices and actions to ascertain they are in alignment with the greater good. Long ago I realized my reactions are unsound, and so I contain them and react as I should alternatively. It spares those around me. I internalize much, but I think I process it also, and that I am strengthening weak places. Gods, hurting those you care for even once is too much, and I will punish myself for Ever. But at least I can do my best now. I have been so flawed, so confused, so absorbed with my own experiences and memories.... Now I am awake, and I am here, and I am never going to give up.

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 7 years ago

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Actor tweets story of how his whole life changed after he sent Steven Spielberg a letter

If you've ever considered writing a letter to one of your heroes, do it.

On the one hand, it might not come to anything. But on the other it could change the entire course of your life.

SEE ALSO: Ethan Hawke's story about his co-star dying on stage is surprisingly uplifting

On Monday, actor and writer Andrew Briedis shared the story of how a letter to Steven Spielberg started him on the path to his future career — and how it was all tied to Jurassic Park.

Jurassic Park was released in theaters 25 years ago today, so I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about why I have a baby raptor tattooed on my leg.