#birdboytalk

[birdboysumbrella]

I might actually end up self shipping with some of them at some point... >>;;

Can you tell I have a type? lol

[birdboysumbrella]

redraw i did;;;;;; i love her so much and i want to kiss her

[birdboysumbrella]

LMAO the person who r*ped me, abused my ex fiance, tormented me for years and gave me extreme trauma with love/relationships and is basically one of the main reasons I'm gonna die soon got mail sent here randomly from a company she used to work at near here saying her personal information got leaked/is in danger of having her Identity stolen. Good.

[birdboysumbrella]

really bad things happening right now to me and a lot of people I care deeply about... if I don't respond to messages or am away for a while it's just because I am having trouble figuring out what to do and just processing a lot..

[birdboysumbrella]

eh. fuck love at this point I don't even believe in it anymore.

[birdboysumbrella]

EVERYONE PLEASE, PLEASE LOOK AT THIS COMMISSION THAT @rolyjulioli DID OF ME AND MY F/O IT'S SO GOOD I AM SPEECHLESS;;;!!!!!! 😭 PLEASE GO GIVE HER A FOLLOW AND SUPPORT HER ART!!!!!!!

[birdboysumbrella]

I knew @rolyjulioli 's commissions were gonna fill up lighting fast so I had to beg my boss to do payroll early so I could make sure to secure one just in time. And somehow it worked!!! ffff Super exciting fsdffhdfh

[birdboysumbrella]

If you haven't already you should go follow @rolyjulioli on here if you really love great cartoony art! She is outrageously talented and makes super cute and fun stuff! She also makes amazingly cute plushies sometimes that are SUPER well made so if you like seeing that kind of stuff, you won't regret it!

[birdboysumbrella]

*******!!!!!!! TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide

(do not read further if this triggers you)

on April 12th, I had a suicide attempt. I tried to hang myself in my room and I suffocated for half a minute at least before my cheap belt broke in half, along with the buckle breaking off and flying across the room. this was my second actual attempt since 2018 and, i'll be honest, I wish it worked and I was gone. Nothing is going right. Things have only gotten worse and I fear it's going to keep going on that direction. I haven't felt the slightest bit of happiness in so long. I don't want to be here. I don't. Everything hurts.

[birdboysumbrella]

i am currently helping a very close friend with figuring a lot of things out, including helping him get access to HRT and top surgery with his medical insurance. I'm so glad that I'm able to help at all, I just hope it won't take super long, as I know how bad dysphoria can mess with you. eventually, I know I need to work on getting therapy for myself and maybe even be on medication....I just am not entirely sure how things will go with it all. I'm very anxious about a lot and things have also just been really, REALLY difficult with $ right now. in any case, I eventually hope to be active on Tumblr again if I ever get help for my PTSD and clinical depression/anxiety. would hope to actually decorate my blog and eventually become active with art stuff again...

[birdboysumbrella]

next Wednesday is Valentine's and really don't know how I'm going to cope at all

[birdboysumbrella]

all my worst memories are replaying in my head constantly. my heart is beyond broken. everything that I see around me is distorted. things are changing shape and colors are peeling off. I am drifting in and out of consciousness as I try to go about my usual programming. this is the saddest I have ever felt in my life. in a few weeks or so, i will have to go back to IL and be around people who will only make me feel worse. i'm sick of this life. tired of waking up alone. the anhedonia has gotten its worst. there's no end in sight and nothing is helping me cope now. my body is going to disappear and join my heart. i wanted to be so much more.

[birdboysumbrella]

i hope I get to be with Kez when I die soon. I can't stay here it's just too difficult after everything that's happened. It hurts so much and I just don't know what I could possibly do. I tried my best.

[birdboysumbrella]

just cried and screamed so insanely loud that my throat hurts. if I wasn't in the middle of the woods where nobody's around someone would have called the police because it sounded like someone was getting murdered. what the fuck is wrong with me?

[birdboysumbrella]

love is such bullshit anyway

[birdboysumbrella]

sorry to say I'm going through a worse mental health crisis than I thought. I don't know if I'll be back or not if I decide to delete social media but just wanted to say that I love you all.