#biological kids get money and game consoles

[reserwrekt]

I hate being online rn. Already have trauma associated with this time of year and then I'm in poverty too, so hearing ads screaming at me to buy their makeups or other luxury items and "it's Christmas, treat yourself. Buy for a loved one! Spend your money!" When we're in a fucking food and housing crisis and I'm smack dab in the middle of it.

[notquitetwilight]

THE CULLANOS: A TASTE OF BOSTON, PART ONE

The Cullanos head to Boston to take care of some business.

“Well?” Carlisle Cullano asked his wife from across the table. “How does Boston pizza compare to Jersey pizza?”

“It doesn’t,” Esme answered her husband automatically. “Especially not ours.”

“Typical Jersey girl,” he smirked. He looked to their daughter beside her. “Rosie?”

Rosalie wrinkled her nose, looking up at him from the slice she was chewing on. “It’s too thick. I don’t like it. But then again, Jersey pizza doesn’t compare to New York pizza, either.”

Esme gave a deep sigh and threw her daughter a look. “Really?”

“What? You know I’ll always be a Manhattanite.”

“You were born in Jersey City Med,” Esme pointedly reminded her.

“Where I was abandoned,” Rose said slowly. “…To be raised in Manhattan.”

“You weren’t abandoned at the hospital,” Carlisle countered.

“She wasn’t abandoned at all!” Esme hissed before he could continue. “How many times do we have to go through this?”

“I know, I know, you were just kids, younger than I am now,” Rose waved the hand that wasn’t holding a pizza slice dismissively. “I’m over it. But I don’t know why you always get mad at me for saying I’m a New Yorker when you’re the ones who chose not to raise me in Jersey. Well, chose not to raise me at all.”

A tense silence fell over them. Rose lowered her eyes to the table of their booth as she continued chewing. Esme glowered out the window, her jaw clenched. Carlisle nudged his foot against her leg in an attempt to comfort her, but she ignored him.

It was a little over a year since the couple had gotten their daughter back. Though she had left her adoptive family and seemed to have settled into their lifestyle, the topic of their lost time together still occasionally raised its head.

The couple had had her at the tender age of 17, unbeknownst to their families. Both of them decided they were too young, too broke and already too involved in the mafia game to raise her themselves. She was adopted by the Hales, a wealthy couple of lawyers who raised her in a Manhattan townhouse and gave her the finest private education New York City had to offer. Carlisle and Esme secretly watched her grow from park benches and the back of school auditoriums. They never interacted with her or allowed her to see them, but watching her grow up safe and happy from a distance filled the void that giving her up had left.

Well, it did, until it didn’t. A year and a half ago, right before the couple finally married, Esme’s sister gave birth to her first child. The family rejoiced in the arrival of the baby boy, with Esme’s mother proudly parading her “first grandchild” around. “Aren’t you jealous, Esme?” Mrs. Platt had asked at the wedding. “You hate it when others have something you don’t.”

“No, mom, I don’t get jealous,” came her answer. Carlisle stifled a laugh at that. The death certificate of his previous wife proved otherwise.

“I always thought you’d be the one to give me my first,” Mrs. Platt continued, causing her daughter to bristle. “But your little sister has beaten you to it.”

Esme’s knuckles went white around the champaign glass she held. “She’s just drunk, baby,” Carlisle muttered in her ear. “Fuggedaboutit.”

But it didn’t matter. Esme’s moods worsened in the weeks that followed as she grieved 17 years’ worth of parenting the daughter they tried to do right by. She stopped parking outside the Hales’ Upper East Side building in hopes of catching a glimpse of the girl, or regularly checking her social media pages for updates on how she was doing. Carlisle knew it had become too difficult for her, particularly when her sister got to be a mother so openly. Mrs. Platt was right; Esme hated going without what others had. And Carlisle could never let her go without.

So one day, he pulled his yellow Alfa Romeo into the garage of the couple’s home and paged Esme to meet him there. “Hey doll,” he greeted her from against the bonnet as she entered and closed the door behind her. “I gotcha somethin’.”

She looked around in confusion. Normally when he asked her to come to the garage it meant he had bought her a new car. “What?” She wondered, but before her husband could respond, she was answered by a chorus of thumping and muffled screaming from the trunk.

“Who’s in there?” Esme asked, bored. Visitors to their home arriving by car trunk wasn’t exactly new. He grinned at her smugly as the thumping continued. “What?” She said again, but he could tell he had piqued her interest. He sauntered over to the trunk and opened it, a flurry of blond immediately lunging at him from inside. Esme instinctively reacted with a raised gun, but as Carlisle restrained the girl, her eyes widened and she lowered her weapon. “Is that…?”

He beamed at her as Rosalie struggled in his arms. Her wrists and ankles were tied, but still she writhed around. Her eyes blazed with a mixture of anger and fear, and duct tape covered her mouth. “Take that thing off of her,” Esme commanded. “I wanna proper look.”

“Hold still or it’ll hurt,” Carlisle told the girl. She stopped wriggling long enough that he could gently remove the tape without ripping her skin. She immediately attempted to bite his hand, but he was too fast. Then came an ear-piercing screech that caused both adults to wince, but Esme was smiling.

“You wait,” Rosalie said once she was finished screaming, her voice hoarse. “Just you wait. If it’s money you want, good luck. You might as well kill me now.”

“She looks just like you,” Esme said as if she hadn’t heard her, though she didn’t take her eyes off the girl. “We knew it already, but up close, it’s crazy. I didn’t get a look-in.”

Rosalie’s face contorted to an expression of both confusion and disgust. “What the fuck…?”

Carlisle laughed at her exaggerated expressiveness; the narrowed eyes, the over-the-top frown, the grimace that caused her cheeks to apple. He had seen Esme pull that face a million times before. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” he told her as they both went back to staring at Rosalie — who was attempting to naw at the rope around her wrists — with the kind of fascination people usually reserved for newborn babies.

“Carl, untie her,” Esme instructed. He gave her a hard look, thinking it was a terrible idea. She arched an eyebrow in response, and he knew better than to argue with her.

“Wait ‘til my father hears about this,” Rose grumbled as he began cutting through the thick rope. That amused him, and he couldn’t help but grin. “What’s so funny?” She demanded.

He shook his head. “Nothin’,” he tried, but he heard Esme giggle and he started laughing again.

Rosalie’s face flushed angrily as she looked wildly from her almost-free hands to Esme and then to Carlisle. “I said, what’s. So. Funny?” She said it slowly and punctuated, as if she thought he was stupid. Esme’s laugh was turning into the loud cackle she gave when she was particularly thrilled. He sniffed with a smile and shook his head again.

Rosalie was then red-faced, her eyes flashing with rage. “What the fuck is so funny, you piece of shit?”

The couple collapsed into full belly-laughs for what had to have been at least a full minute as Rosalie could do nothing but glare. “It’s funny—“ Carlisle started, pausing to try and compose himself. “It’s funny that you said ‘wait ‘til my father hears about this,’ because I am your father.”

Rosalie rolled her eyes, irritated. She clearly thought that was his lame attempt at a joke.

“It’s true, saweetie,” Esme tried to turn her amusement into a sincere-looking smile. “Your our daughter. I’m your mommy! Were you ever told you were adopted?”

“What kind of weirdos are you?” Rosalie mused, her eyes still narrowed. “Don’t normal kidnappers just tie someone up and leave them be ‘til they’re paid ransom or get arrested? What is this, some sort of house-play shit? I saw something about that on TLC once.”

“Look, princess,” Carlisle started, struggling to get the blade through another bit of rope. “I know it’s a lot to take in, but it’s the truth. I didn’t bundle you up in my car for money, or to hurt you. I bundled you up in my car to bring ya home, where you belong. We’ve missed you your whole life, and now that you’re a lil’ older, we’d love to make up for lost time.”

She looked silently from one to the other. Carlisle could see that it would take a while to convince her. She was suspicious, defensive, and unyieldingly stubborn. Just like her parents.

“Whadiya say, kid?” He smiled at her. “Wontcha give your ol’ man a hug?”

The last of the rope snapped and Rosalie immediately punched him so hard in the nose that it made a horrible crack. He held it as she tried getting away, having seemingly forgotten about the rope around her ankles.

The pair of them allowed her to hop around the garage as both exits were locked. Esme handed him a tissue for his bloody nose and they stood side-by-side against the car, watching Rosalie noisily hunt for something she could either free her ankles or hurt them with. It took him a second to realise Esme was quietly crying.

“Don’t worry, doll,” he put a consoling arm around her and pulled her into him. “She’ll come round eventually. She just needs time. And maybe a car, or a pony, or whadevathefuck teen girls are into deeze days. Whadeva it takes, we’ll do it.”

“It’s not that,” Esme swiped at her tears and turned to him. He was surprised to see she was smiling.

“Then what? What is it, baby?”

Esme wiped another tear away as she proudly cried, “she’s got my uppercut!”

Getting the three of them to work as a family unit had been no easy feat. After showing her the paperwork that proved they were her biological parents, the couple brought Rosalie back to her adoptive home the same evening they had taken her from it in an attempt to show her they were no danger. She didn’t tell the Hales about what had happened, instead blaming her broken curfew on losing track of time while at a friend’s house. Carlisle knew that this was more out of anger at them for lying to her her whole life than it was out of loyalty to the Cullanos. The couple returned to watching her, but this time it was on a daily basis, and they made sure she saw them either by waving across the street or approaching her if she was alone. They often arrived with bribes, but she rolled her eyes each time.

“Hi, Rosalieeee,” Esme sung one day, the two of them having waited for her to get home at the corner of her block. “How was school?”

“Get lost,” Rose muttered as she went to walk past them as usual. Carlisle caught her arm, so she begrudgingly came to a halt and rounded on them with a glare. “What? What do you want?”

“I bought us matchin’ Birkins!” Esme said excitedly, unfazed by Rosalie’s attitude. She held up her arms, each hand gripping the handles of a bag.

“I already have expensive bags. I don’t need more. You know what? I already have parents, too.”

“Who had about as much of a hand in raisin’ you as we did,” Carlisle said. “Tell me, Rosie, which nanny was it you used to mistake for your motha?”

She flinched for a second before recovering her steely expression. “I told you not to call me that. You don’t get to give me a nickname. You don’t get to ask me how my day was. You don’t get to wait around for me every single day. Seriously, you’re both stalkers. You’re already breaking the law by seeking me out before I’m 18. Stop before I call the police and report you for harassment.”

“I don’t think you will,” Esme said gently.

“Oh yeah? What makes you so confident?”

“If that’s what you wanted, you’d have done it already.”

There was a pause. Esme took her chance to hand Carlisle a bag, freeing a hand to caress Rosalie’s arm. “Look, sweetheart. All we’re askin’ for is for you to get to know us. If you get to know us, and you decide you want nothin’ to do with us, we’ll walk away, no questions asked.”

Rosalie considered this for a moment, then looked back and forth at the two of them. “You swear?”

Carlisle traced the cross-my-heart motion on his chest. “Hope to die.”

“Promise,” Esme said firmly.

She let out a sigh. “Fine. But how will it work? I can’t just disappear to go live with you. I’m in my senior year, and my parents would have the mayor turn the city upside-down looking for me.”

“Well, they work ‘til late, right? So we’ll start pickin’ you up from school, and get you back before they come home,” Carlisle said.

“No, you can’t pick me up. Friends will see me getting into some random car. Plus, I’ll have homework...studying....that kinda thing.”

“Ahrite-ahrite,” he nodded. “Responsible, I like it. Education is very impawtant.”

Rosalie rolled her eyes again. “Yeah, it seems to have played a huge role in your life.”

“How about we get you a cell that you can use specifically for us?” Esme asked. “And you can call or text us whenever you’re finished with schoolwork? We can take ya out to eat or...well, do whateva you wanna do.”

Rosalie paused again. “Do I get to pick the phone?”

“Of course,” Esme smiled. She had told Carlisle the bribes would pay off eventually.

“What about your...business?” Rosalie asked curiously. They hadn’t explicitly told her what they did, but she was bright enough to guess.

“We do most of our work at night, anyway,” Esme answered.

And so the months that followed were filled with evening family bonding. Rosalie would call or text, they’d go out to eat, do different things around NYC or Jersey City, drop her home, go take care of business, get home either a little before or after dawn, and sleep while she was at school. She seemed to enjoy her time with them; she never said she was happy to continue allowing them to be in her life, but she never again brought up wanting them to leave her alone, either. So they continued the way they were as her 18th birthday drew closer.

One evening, when the family had gone go-karting, Carlisle noticed Rosalie’s ability to drive with extraordinary speed and precision. He decided to test it out in an actual car, just the two of them, and was thrilled to discover this skill was transferable.

“Guess what, baby?” He approached Esme from behind at their kitchen counter the next afternoon, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on her shoulder.

“What?” She smiled sleepily as she prepared breakfast, though it was 1pm.

“I think I’ve found us a driver.”

“Really? Who?”

“Rosie.”

She frowned and pulled away so she could properly look him in the face. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Remember how great she was when we went go-kartin’? Well, I brought her to a track last night and she was amazin’. Turns out she’s actually really into cars — kid knows more about ‘em than me!”

“First of all, drivin’ round an empty racetrack at night is very different from drivin’ the streets when you’re fleein’ a scene or bein’ chased,” Esme said, pulling fully out of his arms and heading for the sink. “Second, Rosie’s goin’ to college.”

“Whadiyamean, she’s goin’ to college?”

“I mean what the fuck I said: she’s goin’ to college!”

“We just got the kid back and now you’re gonna send her off to some otha parta the country to go to college?”

She turned back to him with a glare. “The whole reason we left her in the first place was so that she could have a normal life. College is a normal life.”

“Normal life? She was bounced around from nanny to nanny! We didn’t give her a life with normal parents, we gave her human cash cows and babysitters!”

“Well, at least she was safe.”

“We’d never let anyone hurt her.”

“We couldn’t guarantee that. We still can’t. That’s why she should go to college like the rest of her friends.”

“What, because college is so safe for young girls? Have you neva read a newspaper?”

“Don’t tell me about the dangers young women face,” she practically growled.

“She’d be with us,” he said, his tone much softer. “Where else could possibly be safer for her to be than with the two people who’d die for her?”

She stared at the counter for a moment. “Her 18th is comin’ up,” she said slowly. “That’s her opportunity to decide if she wants to come live with us or not. If she does, she does; if she doesn’t, she goes to college like the private-school kid she is should. But I don’t wanna force her like we did last time. If she chooses us, I want it to be because she chooses us.”

“Okay,” Carlisle smiled, then added, “and she will.”

And she did. She turned 18, deciding to finish out the school year where she had always lived. After graduation, she packed her bags, told the Hales she knew the truth and that she was leaving them for good, and came to live in the Cullano house. The Hales were a little persistent in trying to convince her to come back to them, but it was nothing that couldn’t be solved by sending Emmett, the most intimidating-looking member of the crew, over to their house to smash a couple of things up. As Carlisle had envisioned, Rose started driving for the Cullanos and their team, initially just the occasional, stress-free errand here and there. But she found it brought a certain amount of thrill and excitement her life had been missing, and so she worked her way up to riskier jobs. This trip to Boston would be her riskiest job yet.

“Is everyone done?” Carlisle now asked. Esme still had a slice left over while Rosalie sat with nothing but crust in front of her.

“Mmhmm,” Rose answered. Esme mumbled something about being full.

They gathered their things and headed back to the borrowed Bugatti that Emmett had arranged for them. Though Emmett was a Brooklyn boy, Boston was his father’s city, and he had relatives all around it. Relatives that would be more than happy to see the Cullanos through what they planned to do tonight.

Rosalie set the GPS to their hotel. “How many Ivanovs are there, again?”

“Six— well, 4 Ivanovs, a Petrov and a Ryan,” Esme answered from the back.

“Who’s the head?”

“Mmm, Tatiana. Or at least she thinks she is,” Esme smiled.

“Is she the one who...did she kill Emmett’s dad?” Rosalie met Esme’s eyes in the rear view mirror. She had developed a bit of a soft spot for Emmett over her time with them.

“No,” Carlisle answered instead. “That was Katarina and Garrett.”

“Garrett doesn’t sound very Russian.”

“Garrett is the Ryan. Irish mob, like Emmett’s dad,” Carlisle said.

“They worked together ‘til he fell for Katarina,” Esme added. “So it was a real blow when the two of them killed him. A big betrayal.”

“Then how come no one’s taken them out yet?”

“They’re powerful. Ruthless. Batshit crazy,” Carlisle said.

“Look who’s talking,” Rose said with a slight smile.

“That’s why Emmett’s mother left here and raised him in Brooklyn,” Esme said. “That’s where she grew up, so she knew she’d be safe. The Ivanovs have people everywhere around Boston. And with a target on the back of every McCarthy, stayin’ woulda been a death sentence.”

Rosalie frowned then. “If they’re that bad, what are we doing here? There’s three of us— two, technically, since I’m just the wheels. Those don’t seem like very good odds.”

“There’s also Alice, virtually,” Carlisle reminded. “She’ll be there behind every camera to tell us what we’re dealin’ with.”

“Cool, so she can say, ‘hey guys, you’re about to die’ right before we die. Helpful.”

“It is helpful,” Esme said. “Even the shortest of warnin’s can buy you just enough time to save your life.”

“Besides, we’re not plannin’ a massacre,” Carlisle said. “I’m expectin’ only one to be there. We hit ‘em, we go. Then we’re even for how they fucked us over with the Kiev deal they were supposed to facilitate.”

“So it’s...a blind hit? It doesn’t matter who you get, as long as you get one of them?”

Carlisle nodded. “But it would be...convenient, if it was Tatiana.”

Once they got back to the hotel, they freshened up and changed. The couple pulled out the stuffed bags Emmett had also organised for them. They took only what they needed, a couple of guns and knives each, and shoved the rest back under the bed.

“Don’t forget my favourite,” Carlisle smirked, waving Esme’s thigh holsters in the air.

“Never,” she said, holding up two pistols that were identical to her favourites back home. “Put them on for me?”

He knelt down, lifted up her skirt and strapped one around her right thigh. Then he moved to her left as she slotted her gun into it. After buckling the left one, he ran his hand down her inner thigh, causing her to giggle. Rosalie burst through the door of their adjoining rooms and froze as she registered them, her face immediately screwing up in disgust.

“Oh, for shit’s sake,” she said. “Get a room.”

“This is our room,” Carlisle pointed out.

She rolled her eyes. “Why aren’t you in all-black?”

She was wearing head-to-toe black like they taught her, as she always did. Carlisle was dressed like an office worker from Mad Men, while Esme looked like a housewife from the 50s. Neither of them said anything.

“This isn’t one of your weird sex things, is it? Like, you can’t possibly get off on killing people together?”

The silence continued. “Ugh, don’t answer that.”

They made their way down to the car and Rosalie silently drove them to a street two blocks down from the address they’d given her. As the pair got ready, she drummed her fingers against the wheel.

“You scared?” Carlisle asked, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“No,” she said, a little too forcefully.

Esme leaned forward into the gap between the two front seats and put a hand under Rosalie’s chin, directing her so she could look at her intently. “Remember the plan. Stay inside the car at all times. Stay put here, lights off, engine off. Only turn it on when you see us. Or when you see people who aren’t us carryin’ guns. If that happens, you drive and you drive and you don’t ever stop. Same goes if we’re gone past, mmm, a half hour. Forty minutes, tops. There’s a loaded gun in the glovebox if you need it. Got it?” Rosalie nodded. “Good.”

“Stay safe, princess,” Carlisle kissed her on the cheek, opening his door. “Love ya.”

He closed the door and Esme took her hand and squeezed it. “Everything will be fine. But in case it isn’t, you know what to do. I love you, sweetheart.”

She nodded wordlessly again. She never said it back; it was probably still too weird for her. But she swallowed tightly. Esme brought the hand she held onto up to her lips and kissed her knuckles. She then let go and opened the door.

“Esme?” Rose choked out just as she was about to close it.

“Yeah, honey?”

“Come back to me, like you did before.”

Now Esme was the one who could do nothing but nod. And with that, she closed the door, and the couple walked off into the night.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #388

“i wanna stay inside all day  /  i want the world to go away  /  i want blood, guts, and chocolate cake  /  i wanna be a real fake”

Name three people who you'll never forget: I doubt I'd forget Jason even if, God forbid, I had dementia. That's trauma for ya. I HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHLY doubt I could EVER forget my mom, either. In many different ways, she's literally kept me alive and has done so, so much for me. Then there's also Sara, whose friendship with me matches no one else I've been friends with. Have you ever been told you are fake? No. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy, my dog. Do you like pineapple? I do. When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with? I know this sounds seriously depressing, but that's... pretty much every day. My life is just currently such a drag that being awake bores me senseless. But it's funny, because then some nights I stay up late for like... no reason. My existence alone is confusing. Is there any specific number that has any significance to you? No. Do you remember much from high school? I remember a lot from high school. Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? Isn't there a black sand beach in Iceland or something? Take me there, man. I'd also love to go to the Bahamas, but ew humidity and also I'm afraid of the Bermuda Triangle lmfao. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? The big piece I want to get on my left upper arm; it's called "Denialism" by NukeRooster on deviantART. I got her permission forever ago to get it tattooed. Do you have any alarms set? What time and what for? Not currently. Have you ever had to work while there was a film crew at your work place? No. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No. What do you like in your omelet? Ham pieces and cheese. Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit aren't getting my business. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes. Most notably a video game I LOOOOVED as a kid. I was mad salty and still am lmao. Do you vent a lot on social media? God no, not anymore after embarrassing the everliving FUCK out of myself with a suicide note. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I don't pay any bills bc unemployed. .-. Do you watch ASMR videos? No. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? The Trevor Project. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. A psychiatrist I had in middle school thought I had ADHD, which was ABSOLUTELY ludicrous. Most recently, my long-time bipolar 2 diagnosis has been questioned, but I do think I have it. I think. Does it bother you when others don’t share the same religious beliefs as you? No? Freedom of religion is a thing. What was your last argument about? Ummmm... I don't remember. Probably something with Mom. Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No. Somehow. You'd think all the stress would have me pure gray by now, lol. What are the names of all the pets you’ve had? Dude, I've had WAY too many for this. What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a cosmetic or skincare product? *shrug* Who was the last person that invited you to go somewhere? Did you accept? Mom invited me to come with her to Nicole's to get out of the house because at the time our A/C was still out. I didn't want to go, even though damn did I suffer, haha. What was the last food item that you toasted, other than bread? That's... a great question. I don't know if I toast anything other than bread. Have you ever named any of your pets after a cartoon character? I remember I had a cat named Taz when I was younger. What was the last thing that someone else recommended, or suggested you try? My TMS doctor is like SUPER friendly and makes the treatment go by so fast (it's exactly 22 minutes and 30 seconds; don't ask why), and recently she was fangirling to Mom and me about the show Once Upon a Time, haha. I saw very little of it with Jason, but Mom did check it out. When was the last time you wore a hat? What kind? I have zero idea. When was the last time you ate a bowl of ice-cream? What flavour? Oh wow, it's been a long time. It was probably vanilla with chocolate syrup? If you menstruate, has your cycle ever synced with anyone close to you? Yes. Tell me something positive about the town or city that you live in. ... You said "positive," right? Did your parents have high expectations for you to excel in school and go to college/university? Yes. They were pretty serious about going to college when my sisters and I were younger, but they opened up to the concept that maybe it wasn't for all of us (coughmecough). Are you a polite person? I genuinely think I am. I definitely try to be. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything with your partner felt natural and effortless? Sigh. Yeah. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything was difficult and rocky? No. That's not the kind I'd stay in very long at all. I mean yes, there are always bumps, but there comes a point where you gotta say fuck nah and find something better. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? Other than keeping age gaps in mind, no. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. Did you grow up in an urban, suburban, or rural area? My childhood home was suburban, but leaned towards rural. We were on the very edge of the town. Which disease do you personally think is the most horrible? After seeing my mother suffer from borderline stage 4 ovarian cancer, I've gotta say cancer. My mother is the strongest person I know and yet she cried so frequently from chemotherapy. It broke my fucking heart. The person I copied the survey from mentioned especially childhood cancers, and I have to agree. Like just... why. "Everything happens for a reason." Bull. Fucking. Shit. Just TRY and convince me why a young child has to deal with CANCER. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? I still don't have my license, as I've said in many a survey before. What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Being on the computer too much. What is your biological sex? Female. Do you use online dating? Or do you use another method for finding dates? Nah. I'm at the point in my life where I wanna let love just find me and not actively search for it. What is the oldest gaming console you own? We MIGHT still have our old Atari? If not, it'd be a GameBoy Advance. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? Just British. Do you think you'll ever manage to do everything you want to? No. But then again, I think that sounds pretty realistic? I doubt most people check off everything on their bucket list. What do you fear most? Probably becoming truly homeless, living on the streets. Do you wear shoes around the house? No. Are you a good driver? If you can't drive yet, do you think you'll be good? I mean, I'm not the worst in the world. My mom's always pointed out though that I ride on the brakes (which I do out of fear) and I tend to speed up and slow down quite a bit. I also stop kinda abruptly sometimes. What is/was your favorite thing about school? Seeing friends. What are you most likely to spend money on? My own personal money, tattoos, lol. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? @_@ Do you hate how, when the public like a celebrity, they overpublicize them? I feel bad for them, more than anything. You breathe wrong and suddenly it's news-worthy. It's like your every inconsequential action is under heavy surveillance and judgment, and it seems so unfair. Have you ever became attracted to someone you weren’t at first because their personality made you find them physically attractive? That was Jason for me. I never thought he was ugly, but regardless, he became THE most attractive man in the world to me. Have you ever worked in retail? Yes. -_- Are you even a little bit racist? Nah man, it's 2021, baby. Were you more fond of swings, monkey bars, or seesaws as a child? I was all about the swings. Do you believe in a near-future apocalyptic event? I don't know or care, honestly. A gamma ray or whatever they're called could incinerate us all tomorrow. A black hole could swallow the earth in an hour. We don't know. Do you have a chandelier in your home? No. Do you have a bar with stools? No. Is your Christmas tree faux or real? If faux, what color? We use a fake green one. Do you eat the crusts of your bread? Yes; it's the first part I eat. Which body type would you say you had? Did you know whales can survive on land? :^) Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah! I used to LOVE doing that with Dad as a kid when the field across our house wasn't in use (tobacco was grown there). What’s your preferred flavour of jam? I just like grape. What kind of animal did you last pet? My cat! Name a celebrity that you admire that nobody would expect you to: I massively admire Jeffree Star's work ethic. Do you prefer to shave or wax? Shave. I used to wax my eyebrows, but now I just don't care. Would you ever have sex in a public place? Uh, no. Do you think Jenna Marbles’ videos are funny? I've actually never watched her. Your favourite pasta dish: Just your normal spaghetti with meatballs. Strangest thing you’ve ever seen? Probably what I'm assuming was a star (but it was green???) flickering and then fizzling out of the sky kind of like some sort of backwards firework. I'd been watching it literally grow over a few nights, so when this happened, it was a big "?????? the fuck??????". It honestly scared me for some reason so I went inside after that. Aliens? I say aliens. Ever had a crush on somebody of the same sex? Yes. Has anybody ever called you a bastard? I don't think so. Who is the last person you ignored? uhhhhhhh Would you wear feathers in your hair? So actually, for my first prom, I wanted to wear a blue jay feather I had in my hair, reason being Jason's nickname from his parents was always "J Bird." It ended up not working out because we couldn't make it look natural with what we had. When was the last time you were well and truly scared? Hm. Favourite member of your favourite band: Ozzy, obviously, haha. Who’s your favourite female rapper? I don't have one.

[punkscowardschampions]

Chloé & James

Chloé: Could you sink any lower Chloé: you literally could not James: is that seriously all you've got to say to me? Chloé: Really, what could I possibly say to you Chloé: you're too young to have a midlife crisis but too old to be dating a child James: the children are fine, let's start there, since you haven't asked Chloé: I'm not interested in exchanging pleasantries Chloé: what the hell do you think you're playing at? Chloé: That girl, that family James: it's not a polite inquiry about the weather in Tuscany, it's an update on the children and their wellbeing James: Jay hasn't properly settled back into school but that's hardly surprising given the circumstances Chloé: Yes, it's hardly surprising when you're too busy trying to get into the pants of some 17 year old James: the girls come first, they always have Chloé: Oh please Chloé: how could you possibly think this was appropriate Chloé: to ever bring them around... that James: I don't think you're one to talk about inappropriate behaviour around the children, to be honest Chloé: Ask her if I've ever brought any man around James: I'm not parading her around them, nor have I ever Chloé: Likely story Chloé: if I know, it's clearly not a well-kept secret, James James: It's not a secret at all any more, but I've far from moved her in James: as far as Jay is concerned, we're friends Chloé: I told you you'd regret all of this Chloé: but my God, do you have no idea how much James: Chloé, please don't start with threats Chloé: We're beyond threats Chloé: it's all happened James: meaning what? Chloé: Meaning remember you started this James: we both know that simply isn't true Chloé: I'd check your little friend isn't in on it Chloé: that family is serious levels of messed up, I wouldn't be surprised James: so now you've progressed to conspiracy theories? James: your vendetta against that entire family has never interested me, okay? Chloé: The conspiracy was getting you to believe you were Jay's dad when McKenna turned out to be a freak James: please don't do this again Chloé: I'm not lying Chloé: I've lied to you about it until now Chloé: well actually, I tried to tell you countless times but you refuse to listen James: as far as scapegoats go, you'd be wiser to pick someone you've actually slept well James: with* Chloé: Ask him Chloé: I tried to get him to step up and then he dropped the cousin fucker bomb Chloé: I almost didn't believe it, but who would risk their entire reputation like that James: Everyone knows they've been together since before Jay was born Chloé: He was so wasted Chloé: and they'd had an argument or something, idk Chloé: he was blathering James: stop it James: this is a new low Chloé: your dates didn't even add up Chloé: not 'til I made them Chloé: I know she's not yours, I know I was already pregnant when we slept together James: say what you want, a DNA test will tell the truth James: she's mine whether or not that's ceased to be convenient for you Chloé: It will Chloé: and I'm telling McKenna Chloé: obviously, it had to be you when he ruined everything but I'm out of it now Chloé: and you two can fight amongst yourselves for all I care James: you're unbelievable Chloé: You'll believe it Chloé: See where her loyalties lie then James: this isn't a game, Chloé James: it's Jay's life, our daughter's life Chloé: She'll be fine Chloé: whoever she ends up with James: she doesn't know him & neither do you Chloé: He has kids Chloé: however inbred Chloé: it's not like he's a serial killer Chloé: he has money James: who are you? I thought I at least had some fucking idea, once Chloé: That was your mistake Chloé: you never had me Chloé: and the idea that you ever thought you were trying? Chloé: tragic, actually James: I don't want you & I never have James: I want Jay Chloé: That's not up to me Chloé: I've done my side of the divorce Chloé: if it's any consolation, I've relinquished my control over them and given it to you Chloé: so he can't just take her James: he can if he's her father, he'll have the same rights I've always insisted to you that I have Chloé: Don't be ridiculous Chloé: they take into account behaviour Chloé: his incest and absence will do him no favours, he might get his own taken from him James: he couldn't behave any other way towards her when he didn't know about any of this Chloé: Fight his case for him then, James Chloé: God, I forgot how pathetic you were Chloé: almost Chloé: what hope do you have if you're going to behave like this James: what about Matty, do you not have any other potential fathers for her? Chloé: Doesn't hurt to test them both Chloé: but no Chloé: I think she's yours Chloé: there was no one else at the time because I was trying James: trying James: scheming is closer to what you mean Chloé: Be thankful I gave you her Chloé: you could end up with nothing here if not Chloé: I always knew that James: can you hear yourself? you're trying to take everything from me & expecting me to react with good grace Chloé: Can you hear yourself Chloé: when have I ever treated you like anything but shit Chloé: let's be honest about the situation now that it is finally and thankfully over James: I could care less how you treat me or have ever, don't do this to her Chloé: You can't forget, now you know Chloé: it'll eat away at you James: if you tell Buster, he won't James: then it really is over Chloé: Why should I not? James: because I'll do anything James: there has to be something you want Chloé: Hmm James: think it over, I'm not going anywhere Chloé: No, you've got nothing of use for me Chloé: sorry James: Chloé, please Chloé: Stop James: no Chloé: This is just embarrassing now Chloé: I need to tell the truth Chloé: to set me free James: you needed to tell the truth 6 years ago James: it isn't about you now James: you know how much this will fuck her up, think about what everything with your real dad did to you Chloé: I'm doing it now James: she's happy here, you don't have to Chloé: I don't care Chloé: I just Chloé: don't James: why do you hate them so much, more than you care about your own daughter? Chloé: She ruined my life Chloé: Jay did Chloé: and she's his Chloé: and I only had Tilly to keep this charade going, which was as big a mistake James: so now you have to ruin everyone else's? James: it's not going to make you feel any different Chloé: I'm telling the truth Chloé: then there's nothing connecting me to any of you James: you're still her mother & Matilda's Chloé: Only biologically Chloé: it's a different form, I don't know Chloé: but I'm giving them up James: I don't believe that you want either of them to hate you, whatever you say Chloé: Believe what you like Chloé: I'm not coming back Chloé: and I truly don't care what either of them think James: if you truly didn't care you'd leave her with me James: you want to hurt all of us James: & if all of this is because Buster didn't reciprocate your crush, then truly, you're the only one who's pathetic Chloé: Does that seem likely? Chloé: Of course I don't care if your lives are ruined Chloé: none of you deserve any happiness Chloé: and why should it be up to me to provide it Chloé: I'm clearing my conscience and cutting ties, it's simple and my mind is made up James: you haven't got a conscience James: dress it up however you like, this is nothing but a final fuck you, because you haven't grown up & you're still that messed up teenager James: if Ava had a different last name you wouldn't be doing this Chloé: He deserves it as much as you Chloé: perhaps moreso James: why because he fell in love with someone other than you? Chloé: He ruined my life first Chloé: I should've done it then Chloé: but it'll be worse now James: no he didn't, he was drunk & upset & you took advantage of that James: he didn't make you keep Jay or marry me Chloé: I already told you keeping her was a mistake Chloé: what would you like me to do, timetravel? James: I don't consider her a mistake, so no James: us & everything that happened afterwards, yes, but none of that was her fault Chloé: Good for you Chloé: This is tiresome, I've said all I need to say to you James: you need to take responsibility for what you've done & the choices you've made & stop blaming her Chloé: You can't make me love her Chloé: deal with that, James James: I don't care if you never see her again, I'd actually prefer it, I'm trying to make you stop using her Chloé: I'm not James: just let me get a test done before you drag him into it Chloé: I can't trust you James: to do what's right by Jay? yes you can James: if I'm really not her father, she deserves to know that Chloé: Ugh, I need this over now Chloé: that'll take ages Chloé: you'll have to tell him James: she's 6, you can't rush it Chloé: I'm doing this today so that's your problem Chloé: I know already Chloé: so if you don't tell him as soon as you get your little test back Chloé: I will James: you're actually evil, there's no talking to you Chloé: I have no desire to speak to you Chloé: now or ever again Chloé: goodbye, James

[sage-nebula]

(do NOT reblog or I’ll delete the post and block you)

This past week I’ve really felt like I might be relapsing. I’ve been back on my nocturnal (i.e. normal for this hemisphere) sleep schedule for a while now, which leaves me constantly tired; I haven’t felt in the mood to eat anything, though I’ve been forcing myself to do so anyway at least; I’ve been finding it harder to think of myself as pretty or cute when I look in the mirror; my depression and anxiety have felt like they’re kicking up again despite the Lexapro, and the negative intrusive self-talk has gotten worse, to the point where I just blurted out, “I’m so stupid” one night for a simple mistake, and it took a moment before I corrected myself with, “No, I’m not stupid, I’m actually quite smart and intelligent, it just slipped my mind because I’m tired.” 

This morning it was bad enough that I was actually fretting on my way to work about, what if the Lexapro is losing its effectiveness? I’m on a 10mg dosage now. We can still increase to 20mg, but I’m pretty sure that’s the limit. And even if it wasn’t, can it lose its effectiveness over a mere two months? Where does that leave me, if so? I don’t want it to lose its effectiveness. I want it to keep helping me. I need it to keep helping me.

All of that said, this evening I got a clue that my shark week is I think just starting (like this is the very very first day of it, not even the first full day), and when I realized that, my reaction was just, “Ah.” If that is the case, that . . . probably explains things, and also means that the Lexapro is likely not losing its effectiveness. That’s a relief.

But I still also have to remember that even if I relapse some, that doesn’t mean I’ve failed, or that it’s a permanent failure. If you’re climbing up a mountain, and you slip and fall back down part of the way, you can still climb back up. It will be painful, and hard, but so long as you’re alive---so long as I’m alive---I can do it. Relapses are a normal part of the recovery process, and recovery like what I have to go through is an ongoing journey without an end. I just have to keep climbing, and try not to feel too badly about myself during the periods when I slip and fall. I can climb back up, and get back to where I was, and I deserve to. I deserve to make and have that progress, and I don’t deserve to be hurt or treated badly, least of all by myself. I need to be in my own corner first and foremost, so my brain needs to start giving me consistent positive self-talk instead of negative. I need to keep working on that. I need to keep climbing.

Though I will say that certain recent events have had me thinking about my childhood and adolescence again, and the abuse I went through back then that left me with the C-PTSD I’m constantly trying to recover from now. And it’s little things from back then, too, like---there were really, really bad incidents, and some really, severely fucked up times I went through, and stories that are too personal or painful for me to share here (both because I don’t like thinking about them, but also because I don’t like to hand them over to others to use against me, as has happened in the past). But it’s also little things, like---I like to get physical copies of video games so that I can have the game cases lined up on my media shelf. I have the actual game cards in my Switch carrying case, so I can have them with me wherever I have my Switch, but I like having the cases on the shelf, and seeing them all lined up there. Counting them off, you know. And I was thinking about why I like this. I don’t think I’m a materialistic person, generally; I do want my house to look cool, but I’m not one of those people who, if I won the lottery, I’d by a sixty room mansion and fill it with pointless, but expensive, garbage. I’d keep my same place, my same car, all that. I don’t really want a life of luxury, I just want to live comfortably.

So I’m not overly materialistic, and I don’t value collecting things for the sake of collecting them . . . but I like seeing my cases lined up on the game shelf, and I’m just as excited to add more cases to that shelf as I am to play the new games as they come out. (Also, I wish that games like Celeste and Night in the Woods would get physical releases so I could add those cases to my shelf as well.) I was thinking about why this is, and I realized that it’s because I never had a lot of games in my youth. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve owned a lot of video game consoles in my life time, but for every console or handheld I had, I usually only had a handful of games. Like, I had six games for my N64 growing up. I think that back when the Gamecube was actually relevant, I had about seven games, and even then, over my lifetime I only got that number up to about twelve. And this isn’t a Dudley Dursley kind of temper tantrum competition game, wherein I whine about just not having enough games, because I did like and appreciate the games I had. But like, with the N64, I had those six games, and meanwhile my brother had over thirty to choose from. This was because I lived with my biological mother, whereas he lived with my dad and (step)mom, and our economic situations were very, very different. (Read: My biological mother was dirt poor and spent any money we did have, including the child support, on herself, whereas my brother had the middle class lifestyle with three parents and tons of extended relatives who doted on him and gave him anything he wanted.) And I never complained about this back then, but I remember feeling so impressed when I opened up his N64 cartridge case whenever I was at my dad’s house and saw all those games to choose from, whereas when I opened my own cartridge case (identical to his), it was . . . much emptier.

And then with the Gamecube (which I got later than everyone else because even though my dad sent me money to get one as a Christmas present, my biological mom took that money and spent it on herself), there was an extra level of messed up because my biological mom decided to run a scam with Wal-Mart for a while. Basically what she would do is she would buy things with a credit card, and then return them later to get cash money that she could then spend on necessities. (Why she didn’t just buy the necessities with the credit card instead of racking up credit card debt I don’t know. I stopped trying to figure out her thought processes a long time ago.) The reason why this is relevant to the story is because she decided the best way to do this was with video games. So when I was about thirteen, she told me to go to the games section and pick out a few games. I very excitedly ran over and picked some out, so happy I was getting to add some new ones to my library, and I remember specifically that Mario Kart: Double Dash was one of them, because I had wanted that for a very long time. We bought the games and went home. And when I went to go put Double Dash in to play it, she told me I couldn’t do that because we were going to return them. I was hurt and confused. I didn’t understand. And when I questioned her, she grew furious that I was back talking and arguing. I guess the one benefit is that I knew to choose games I wasn’t actually interested in the next time she used me to run the scam.

Anyway, this is all relevant because I wanted a bigger games library growing up, and I just didn’t have the opportunity to have it. Even after I moved out of her house, I never wanted to ask my parents for too much, not only because I felt the answer was likely to be “no,” but also because I was just grateful that Shiloh and I were away from my biological mother. And even after I started working, and especially after I moved out of my parents’ house and into my own apartment, I still didn’t have a lot of disposable income to spend on video games. Not only that, but I usually got new systems a couple years behind everyone else (with the 3DS being the first exception, but even then, I didn’t have a lot of disposable income at first so I couldn’t keep up with the library the way I wanted to), so trying to figure out which games to buy was a nightmare. The result of which being, although I helped form my university’s video game club back in my sophomore year (I was nineteen), I felt like the weak link of the officer squad. I loved video games, and I was pretty good at a lot of them, but I also was so inexperience compared with everyone else, who had way more games than I did.

But with the Switch, it’s different now. I got the Switch on launch day thanks to Christmas money allowing me to preorder it, and although I’m still supporting myself and still struggle bussing every month, the games I want are usually either a bit cheaper (such as Hollow Knight being only $15), or they’re spaced out enough so that I can afford them (+ I have credit cards I can use). Since I’ve had it since launch and I’ve been in this position since launch, I’ve been able to keep up with new releases. My library still isn’t huge (I have nine physical games, plus three digital that I love---and one of those digital games is getting a physical release in spring), but it’s growing, and I know I’ll add more games to it in the coming months. And I guess it’s important to me not because of materialism or anything like that, but because it’s symbolic that I’m at a place in my life now where I can grow this library, where I can do what I always wanted to, but never could as a kid. When I buy games myself, I know they’re mine, and no one can take them from me. And I’m here, in my own house, with my own media shelf (that I wallpapered with special starry paper I bought at Nijo Castle in Japan), and all of this---the house, the media shelf, the games---represent how far I’ve come, and how far I continue to go. And I know that’s weird, that I’m using a growing video game collection as a symbol of recovery because of rather small parts of my abusive childhood and adolescence (and again, I’m not saying those things were the worst I suffered, because they by far were not, but I’m not sharing the details of the worst things for personal reasons), but I’ve been thinking about it nonetheless and I think that’s how my brain has processed all this as I move through recovery.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for tonight. Reminder to NOT reblog this, or I’ll delete the post and block you, thanks.

[archive-idium]

1.-45. For Seiko and Jay. JUST DO IT AND SUFFER

Character Development Questions: Hard Modequoting: do like 1-15 for Seiko and 20-35 for Jay 

Seiko;;1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?Seiko doesn’t have anyone close in his age group. Even If there was someone from his family like his half brother; he would be likely try to avoid them.

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?He doesn’t have a proper opinion for that. She wasn’t around him very early.

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like? It’s a bit confusing. At times he would say It is fantastic, then the other minute he would be in distress at the slightest thought of his own biological father. Seiko can contact him; but he has reasons not to.4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

He saw a fox woman getting kidnapped; when he was a kid. Later discovered her as a victim of manslaughter in newspapers. She used to be his old caretaker when he lived with Leonidas, his biological dad. Since then he had a poor understanding of death; this point have lead him to believe that women despise his existence. It made him dress feminine ever since the event in the sake to … Catch their interest. It’s a long story.No one knows of this situation, aside from his biological father. But he doesn’t know that It affected Seikos’ understanding of death.5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?Hairpins and wrapped licorice candies.6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?He does – It always involves him being a woman; and living a different, but a desired lifestyle. Often dreams of how his mother looks like.7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?He doesn’t. Seiko rarely has dreams, and when he does; It’s usually as how stated in question #6.8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?He shot his best friend by accident; but It was given to shoot under pressure.9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?If I understand the meaning of socioeconomic status well – He currently is categorized as a working class member. Seiko did finish high school; finished online studies of interior design. Currently earns profit through streaming games; sometimes sells sewn clothes he learned from his adoptive grandmother.10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?More clothing. Less clothing would be only worn at the bedroom or with someone he’s close with in a romantic sense.11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?When someone broke down in his step -- fathers’ house, while Jay wasn’t around until an hour later. It lead to him hiding at different areas constantly and almost getting caught.There where other events that lead to fright; but this was most memorable to him. The concept of death was more understandable from here.12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?When he attended his first convention and ended up finding a few more people that where of his species – And kitsune’s. Befriended them; had his anxiety soothed by the cheerful company he was in.

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?Due to being a half creature of a wild canine; It can bother him solely on the hunger part. Seiko has tried to consume human meat earlier in the past, but refuses to take part in cannibalism since he might go through … Something you could call as a “ withdrawal. “14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?He remembers faces, better. Majority of the people he knows have names that are common in other countries, so It does confuse him. He always can recall a familiar face.15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not? Most of the items bring him plenty of comfort and occupy his mind from negative ideas or intentions. Clothes are another factor; which really let him express himself. Other items are usually have to do something with him – Whether It are wolf girl figurines, a sweater with wolf ears and such.A bit of a hoarder too, TBH.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jay;;20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?When It comes to comparing; It’s more for self - validation. He already understands that he came here with imperfections, might as well focus on the parts to be proud -- worthy of.21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?He would always feel as if he where to deserve it. While he isn’t very expressive; him fiddling his thumbs alone would be a dead give away with him feeling low after an event that isn’t so pleasing.Jay would only blame another individual if he knows that there was something he DIDN’T cause for sure.22. What does your character like in other people?Their mannerism. How differently each person behaves while having similar interests and portraying their excitement/disappointment to the topic.23. What does your character dislike in other people?The narcissism. Especially in youth or individuals involved with business. While a lot would hate these particular types of people; he just can’t stand it to a high degree.24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?His gut feeling usually helps in this situation; not to mention working at a organization in the past that required to take notice in every piece of one’s personality to detect their nature. Sometimes he pretends as If he doesn’t take notice in the red flags until in the moment, for the fun.25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?He doesn’t trust the individual ever since from speaking to them; only taken at ease and develops more trust when he gets to know them better. Sometimes he’ll seek on the hand motions and mannerisms the other person performs and guesses from that; as well.He trusts anyone he is close with. It’s a small circle of people he actually has no trouble with believing in.26. How does your character behave around children?He’s a bit awkward around them; won’t lie. Jay doesn’t mind giving candy here and there; or to the children of his friends. Sometimes even gives sweets for the trick & treaters during Halloween. As long as they actually reach his house from that far. LOL.27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?Puts up a neutral attitude; never mind that his expression does change to concern. Usually he would try to ease up the tension in the situation to be able to provide better answers to the confrontation.In a highly fantastic mood -- He’d crack jokes and provide answers afterwards.28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation? Never raises his hand unless provoked to; or if It where a victim of his. The provoking part is usually rare; though.29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?He dreamed to become a scientist; or at least be involved in bio engineering – His inspiration was Leonidas Verruckte; who turned out to be the biological father of his adoptive son. He worked with him, though.Jay was actually a great student; passing with a nice, bright red diploma indicating his chances to study further.It didn’t come true. He’s just a deep web personality now; a hit man and mercenary. At least those professions provide him with fine wealth.30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?Hard to say; he can stomach a lot of things for someone who’s actually involved into cannibalistic ideas. Corpses; rotten limbs; swollen bodies are whatever.Although -- He did find it disgusting when he saw someone look at Seiko inappropriately; just when he was a teenager. It couldn’t be helped that he would dress in some clothes that might not be quite alright; but It still grossed him out, the fact someone would look at his son with an odd eye.So I guess; you can say he’s kind of repulsed by pedophiles?31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.It’s winter; or the weather is at least leaning towards the colder temperatures. Fire was started in the furnace; Seiko is playing some sort of thriller / adventure video game in his console while he watches horror themed films.They both have hot drinks to keep themselves warm. Trying out the drinks his son receives from monthly subscriptions of snack -- involved goodies.32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.Family reunion type of events. While having no problem greeting his relatives; they’re clearly fond of putting some sort of pressure when It comes to having “ biological “ children and finding a partner to wed.It gets worse if he’s sitting by the table that’s further from the exit of the house he’s visiting / living in.33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve? Depending on the situation – Most likely defensive. Not in the way that he would cower himself; rather find an excuse within the other person to gaslight them. That method is usually done with victims or strangers, though.Normally he’d be still defensive; say an excuse here and there and then willing to improve himself. As long as the criticism is actually something worthy to change. If It’s something as -- “You need to wash clothes, you smell like you’re a homeless person.” then he won’t listen. 34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?More likely keep on with the same solution method until It’s sure enough that It will not work out. Usually keeps with the attempt for long.35. How does your character behave around people they like?Flirtatious or friendly; depending on the ‘like’ part. It’s not surprising from him that he would tend to say inappropriate jokes. If he likes an individual as a friend; It’s all never ending support from him, coming from his fatherly nature. Overall a people’s person.

[antiques-for-geeks]

Games of Christmas Past : Goldeneye 007

Rare / 1997 / Originally £59.99 / Nintendo 64

As the sun sets on this strangest of years and a cold wind blows through an empty AfG towers this Christmas, the team cast their thoughts back to Christmas Days past, when your rich Uncle used to come round in the afternoon with your cousins and their latest full priced games that you couldn’t play because they had an Atari ST in 1987 and you were still pretty pleased with your Spectrum +2 bought last summer thankyouverymuch.

So once again, we’re looking back at the games we did get to play on Christmas Day. The good, the bad, the ugly, the over-priced, the cheap and the ones purchased by Grandma because the nice man in the shop said it was the one that all the kids were playing.

First for this year, Pop...

Now effortlessly installed as the most fondly remembered and critically lauded Bond game ever, the world needs another piece about Goldeneye like a donkey needs a second pisser... but I’ve been asked to write about a game that holds strong seasonal memories. There’s simply no way to avoid this bald fact: Goldeneye was simply the best gaming Christmas present I ever got.

So... I’m going to write about it... and some lucky donkey is going to empty its bladder in record time.

About the best thing about being newly employed in the late 90’s was having my own money to spend on whatever gaming rubbish I saw fit. I bought a Tiger ‘Game.com’, Satan's own handheld system. Why? Because it was there! (in the Argos catalog, that is). 

So when I wandered into a branch of HMV and saw an N64 demo pod with the first level of Goldeneye ready to play I knew straight away that my number one seasonal priority was to be able to take it home.

The first level lays it all out. I stealthily approach a guard tower, taking out a few unfortunate soldiers on the way. Up top is a sniper rifle... plenty of time to get a bead on the forehead of a distant and totally oblivious soldier. He has no idea what’s coming. My finger tightens on the N64’s trigger button. He’s thinking about how cold it is... how much he misses his family... how soon his commission is coming to an end… to be back in his wife’s warm embrace... borscht for dinner tonight.

BANG! His head snaps back and he crumples to the ground… ‘Hey! That’s sick!’ opines some random guy watching over my shoulder. But I can hear it in his voice. He knows, just as I know. This game is awesome.

I gifted myself a few games on Christmas day along with the console. I’m sure Mario 64 was one of them, and I’m sure I loved that too, but that year the holiday season belonged to Bond.

I’d played some first person shooters before, but those had all been riffs on the ‘Doom’ formula, with a corresponding feeling that you were floating through the levels, somehow disconnected. Goldeneye put you right in the film, dealing with changing objectives and with the ever-present possibility of sneaking up on enemies and dealing with them silently. Many levels were designed around the film’s sets before shooting was even complete, and they benefit greatly from feeling more like real places.

And so much fun could be had just experiencing this world! Somewhat shamefully, Tim and I would play the second level set inside a well guarded Russian lab with our own rogue objective: the scientist cull. What this involved was simply finding all the white coated lab personnel and gunning them down in the most extreme (and satisfying) ways possible. The detail that made this particularly fun was how well their biological whites showed up the inevitable blood stains, like some kind of terrible alternative universe Persil advert.

Sorry, this lab is over populated. I’m sure you understand.

This was a game that could be enjoyed as a quick blast on the easier levels, but provided a genuinely rewarding structure for extended play on the harder difficulties. The bad guys were tougher, requiring you avoid combat where possible and to master the precise aiming controls to take them out with head shots. Additionally, the mission objectives were extended with interesting additional tasks, taking in much more of the level. As icing on the cake, beating the game on higher difficulties unlocks a couple of extra levels, which are both well worth seeing - especially the ‘Aztec’ level from Moonraker where you get to face-off against fan favorite bad guy Jaws.

I suppose I should at least mention the groundbreaking multi-player element. The N64 supported 4 players, and 4 player couch co-op would no doubt have been awesome if I’d had 4 controllers, a decent sized TV and 4 people to play against. The few times I managed to rustle up an extra to battle against were good fun, if imbalanced, because I never got to play anyone else who actually owned the game. Single player was where I spent 99% of my time.

Apparently many of the team that put Goldeneye together hadn’t worked on a major game before, allowing them to build it unshackled by the past. In many ways this sounds like a game that came good because of dogged determination and a series of lucky accidents. It certainly shifted the goalposts for what was expected of a first person shooter for console generations of games to come. The way games develop over time often appears to be a series of big bangs, followed by copies, iterations and enhancements. Goldeneye is definitely one of those seismic bangs, a huge success that other developers wanted a piece of.

Rare did it all again, and technically better with the release of Perfect Dark a couple of years later, and though I loved that game too, for me it didn’t have quite the same bombshell impact.

I guess this is the point where we should address the elephant in the room. Goldeneye, like so many games from its console generation hasn’t actually aged very gracefully. The graphics were certainly pretty great for the time, with a long view distance and excellent character animation. They really do look hopelessly primitive in 2020 though, and the controls feel slow and clunky. Not to mention that the N64 controller, so ahead of its time in the 90′s feels like an alien object  to a modern player used to iteration after iteration of 2 stick gamepads for the last 20 years. It’s a real shame that licensing issues have prevented a cleaned up re-release (we’ll ignore the 2010 effort by Activision; it’s a characterless shadow next to the real thing).

So why does this game make me think of Christmas? Is it because many of the levels in Goldeneye are appealingly wintry? Maybe because a Bond film was an ever present pleasure for terrestrial TV viewers at yuletide in the UK?

Nope. This game basically lets you commit murder on a massive scale, again and again and again (oh, and those poor innocent scientists!) That hardly qualifies it as festive entertainment. It's probably just because a new console and a great game to go with it has been a staple requirement for so many of my Christmases. This was one of the greatest of all.

Score card

Presentation 9/10

The bond atmosphere is presented almost perfectly, from the iconic ‘gun barrel’ opening onwards.

Originality 9/10

Like nothing else released before, Goldeneye set a high bar that wasn’t matched anywhere during the N64′s lifespan... except by its ‘sequel’ Prefect Dark.

Graphics 8/10

Somewhat colourless, but very solid. The frame rate is acceptable for the time. The digitized faces of the guards looked great back then, but slightly ridiculous today. Animation, particularly the way enemies react to being blasted, is exceptional.

Hookability 9/10

The dam level is the prefect opener, giving you a chance to see what the game is all about. Play it on the ‘Agent’ (easy) difficulty and you can have a good time without having to be a dead eye with the manual aim controls. No game let you snipe an enemy from half way across the level before this one. Once you had, you were in for the long haul... or morally outraged.

Sound 9/10

Perfect music for a bond game, and a great accompaniment to the action. Gunshots, screams and other spot effects all enhance the action. No bad voice acting to spoil the effect.

Lastability 9/10

Loads of varied levels, each with new, interesting objectives when played on higher difficulty levels. Because the mechanics of the game were so good, it was fun just to pick your favorite level and just mess around or prefect your run. Then there’s the multiplayer...

Value for Money 8/10

£60 was an awful lot of money, but there aren’t many games that got more playtime.

Overall 9/10

One of the all-time greats, I can’t bring myself to mark it down just because the passage of time has been so unkind.

[masterthespianduchovny]

Dear fellas, YOU ALL ARE NOT THE GATEKEEPERS OF ENTERTAINMENT. 

This includes: comics, sci-fi shows, games, hell EVEN SPORTS, etc. 

I’m so goddamn tired of men pretending that they’re the gatekeepers of everything and that girls/women can’t authentically enjoy anything unless it’s to impress men. I’m also tired of their fucking snotty attitudes when girls/women TRY to get into the things they love whether it be because of a guy (girl or NB) or because they’re curious. 

YOU CANNOT RIDICULE US FOR NOT LIKING SOMETHING, AND THEN RIDICULE US FOR TRYING TO LIKE IT.

Again, I’m so goddamn tired of boys/men trying to police what I enjoy with the beliefs that girls/women can’t like x,y,z due to stereotypes or because some girls weren’t interested in said thing when they were young.

I’ve loved sports my entire life and not due to a guy. Ironically, it was the women in my family who were/are far more fanatical about sports than the men. They keep up with basketball, baseball, tennis, (maybe) football, etc and have so for decades and have a plethora of knowledge. 

Franchises like Star Trek/Star Wars LITERALLY no one in my family watched these franchises or AT LEAST introduced them to me. I didn’t get into them until I became an adult DESPITE hearing about them. I didn’t get into Star Wars until I took a film class and Star Trek I decided to give a try because I’m low key a sci-fi nerd. But, let me tell guys I’ve recently gotten into these things and they’ll have some choice opinions for me. 

Hell, even now I’m getting into gaming. I couldn’t as a kid because I was on the cusp of being poor if not poor. I literally only got a CD for Christmas one time. I was incredibly appreciative, but my mother and father didn’t have money to feed any gaming interests I had. Years later, I only had money to buy the console and 2-3 games. 

I don’t read comics, but I watch the movies. A good friend of mine DOES and she tells me all about the storylines and has she has to entire constant questioning of her comic book cred because she’s a girl. 

And I don’t want to hear shit about, “Well, if a guy said he was into make up” because 1. That’s assuming all girls are into makeup 2. I’m not into make up 3. That’s inherently sexism, especially considering the industry 4. I literally wouldn’t give a damn and there are a shit ton of men who know more about make up than I do.

Minus shit that has to do with me biologically as a woman or when it comes to how women think, I don’t know shit about traditionally female things. I don't care if men like make up, fashion, wearing heels, etc or whatever is used for a rebuttal because people can like whatever the fuck they like without having to justify themselves or ‘prove’ they’re ‘real’ fans or are honestly into something. 

I do not care if men like traditionally feminine things.

But, stop giving girls/women the third degree FOR showing interests of liking them as if you all are the only ones who can like it. 

I know some are thinking, “well, it’s just that women/girls don’t traditionally like these things.” First of all: so? People can’t change their minds. Second: OR people swear they aren’t and that they’re only interested for exterior reasons that has nothing to do with said woman/girl actually like it. There’s also that. 

[purplesurveys]

687

Let’s have a true or false one for a change, yay. Your bedroom is usually untidy. I dunno what about untidiness makes it become ‘unusual,’ but my room is always generally clean because my mom is a clean freak and she likes seeing all the rooms in her house spotless. You know how to cook. Hell no. But I definitely should start learning how to. You cook at home more often than you eat out. You love to exercise and stay fit. Back when I had weight training as a PE elective, it was so so fun to have regular exercise even though I was so uncomfortably sweaty and almost faint from all the routines we had to do, because I legitimately felt the improvement it was doing to my body. I’ve never been able to keep up the training since the class ended though, so I find that a bit sad. Your house has a basement. No we don’t. They’re generally not a thing here, along with attics.

You don’t like rollercoasters. Fuck any amusement park ride. I can’t ride any of them because my motion sickness won’t allow me to haha. You don’t have a Facebook account. I do, but there are many times I wish I just didn’t. You did laundry today. It’s a chore that’s usually never designated to us; my parents prefer to do it. You have a crush on somebody. Yuh, my girlfriend. You’re a smoker. I do smoke but I’ve never bought my own pack/lighter. I only leech off of Gab’s packs, and she’s more than willing to give me some of her sticks because she doesn’t want to finish up the pack herself and end up dependent on them. So... I’m kinda doing her a service by asking for some of her sticks... HAHAHAHAHA nah that was a joke ok but yeah, that’s the case with us. Your parents are still together. Yeah, they’ve been together for the last 27 years. But honestly, the older I get the more I see how incompatible they are, or at least how big of a bitch my mom is in the relationship, and how my dad doesn’t deserve it at all. Hypothetically, if they did announce that they were going to break it off: 1) I wouldn’t even be surprised, and 2) I wouldn’t even hesitate to pick which parent to stay with. You’re sitting on a chair or couch right now. I’m sitting on a chair at our rooftop, but it’s really more of a bench.

You know somebody who is adopted. Yes, a handful. You have half-siblings. You have more important things to be doing right now. I have more important things to be working on in general, but not right now, it’s 11 in the evening lmao. I wanna be answering surveys now. You have worked in retail. I’ve never officially worked, period. You have been fired from a job. You live with friends. Nope, never experienced this. I’ve always traveled to and from home when it comes to school, so I’ve never known what it’s like to live in a dorm/condo and virtually be independent. That’s something I’ll always be a little jealous about. You own a game console. My family owns several game consoles; I don’t have my own given that I’m not a big gamer and have never felt the need to ask for my own Switch or PS4. You’ve eaten carbs today. Is white rice considered a carb? I’ve had much of those today. You’re expecting a visitor soon. In this climate of coronavirus? We’re not expecting visitors until the next month and probably even long after that, lol. You are a college student. Yessir I am, for the last nearly four years. I was going to be graduating this June but that’s gonna be pushed back now, which really sucks. You are scared of dogs. I’m generally not scared of them and am willing to make friends with all dogs. The only negative feeling I hold is annoyance, and that’s directed towards only chihuahuas. I cannot fucking stand them. You have your tongue pierced. No piercings other than earlobes. You have never been drunk. ...Is what I said before I was 18. You would consider yourself to be average height. I guess? I’m definitely a bit shorter than the average person, all other countries considered hahaha. But I’m still average height for a Filipino. It’s the taller ones that we consider to be strange cases. You have ridden on the back of a motorcycle. My parents don’t allow me to take motorcycle taxis, which is really the only opportunity we have for riding motorcycles. You have plans for next weekend. I don’t have plans til the third week of April man. You know a little bit of French. Your parents know how to text message. Yeah, of course. It’s their main means of communicating with us. Plus they were around for the rise of cellphones (they were in their late 20s then), so they had time to get into the trend and learn the basics. You have an iPhone. Apple’s always been my preferred brand for my gadgets, so yep. You are bisexual. For a long time I thought I was, until I realized I was not. You don’t own a pair of pajamas. They are way too warm to be worn in this country, so whenever I say PJs on surveys I really mean my usual tank top/shorts combo hahaha. You get your eyebrows waxed. Waxing generally terrifies me because I haaaate the idea of peeling anything off of any part of my body. I just rely on good ol’ shaving. You have dated someone much older than you. You are hungry right now. My stomach’s not being dramatic but I can go for a full meal right now.   You have never been swimming in the ocean. I honestly do not know. I may have already unknowingly swum in the Pacific, but I literally don’t know.  You like to indulge in retail therapy. Meh, not really. I only shop when I feel like I’ve exhausted my wardrobe and already need new additions. You know someone who has been to rehab. You never had good grades in school. I’m not THAT lousy of a student lol. I had bad grades in chemistry and some of the higher math subjects, but my performance in them was always made up for with my good grades in all the other classes. You’re a lazy person. I can be lazy about tasks I never asked to do, but I’ll always end up doing them because I don’t like disappointing myself/other people.

You are married. You have at least one tattoo. You like to go for walks and jogs. Ugh nonononono. I hate walking/jogging. I prefer to do other forms of exercise. You have never been overseas. You’re terrible at saving money. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha I have to start learning how to be financially responsible pls You’re kind of gluttonous. I can be, and I think it’s caused by the fact that 1) I had to share everything with four other kids in my childhood home, and 2) my mom was always a bit thrifty during my childhood and would often refuse to buy me stuff I ask for, unless my dad said yes – and his yeses were always so hard to get because he works overseas and it would take a whole couple of days before we got feedback from him. These reasons, really, were what made me unafraid to be a little selfish. You don’t like coffee. Love it. Thrive on it. Run on it. You don’t know who your biological father is. You love your job. No job.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #228

“blood on her skin, dripping with sin, do it again, living dead girl.”

How many sugars do you like in your tea? Man, I find A LOT of tea or coffee questions in surveys. Anyone who reads these knows by now I hate tea. Ever heard of a band called The Dresden Dolls? I fucking love "The Gardner," but it's the only song I know. What was the last movie you saw that made you laugh out loud? Idk, I watch movies so rarely. Who’s your favorite superhero? Deadpool, if you count him (technically an anti-hero, I kno). Otherwise, I don't really know. Possibly Spider-Man. What does your regular attire consist of? Pajama pants and tank tops lmaoooo. Popsicles or Ice cream? Ice cream. Are you good at solving math problems in your head? It's almost impossible for me to. Even simple addition. What kind of M&Ms do you like best? Normal chocolate ones. What is the last thing you tried on in a store? Uhhhh I think formal shirts when I was actually working on getting a job... Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? No. Does your best friend wear makeup? No. Have you ever dated someone in secret? No. How do you get splinters out? Tweezers. Do you ever send people good morning texts? Sara sometimes. Is there someone who makes you blush when you just say hi to them? No. Do you kiss your pets? Of course. Why did you go to church the last time you went? My then-friend was having a serious "reborn" and devout Christian phase. Who’s the richest person you know? I don't know. How old is the oldest person you know? I also don't know. 90-something. Who's the last person who asked your name? My math professor needed a refresher when handing out test results. Have you ever been so drunk you couldn’t even talk right? No. Do you know anyone with a million middle names? I know someone with three or four. Do online dating sites ever work? For some people. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? No. Have you ever lived with a person who you tried to avoid at all costs? No. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. Did you grow up in an urban, suburban, or rural area? I guess suburban/rural mix? Which disease do you personally think is the most horrible? Alzheimer's. What is your worst childhood memory? I mean it depends on what stage of childhood, but I'm going to assume you mean like, pre-pre-teen years. In that case, just my parents fighting. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? N/A What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Fighting with my little sister, probably. What is your biological sex? Female. What is the oldest gaming console you own? A GameBoy Advance. Of all the houses you’ve lived in, which has been your favorite? If you excuse the bad memories, my previous one. Do you get sunburnt easily? Oh yeah. What’s the color of your front door? White. Your favorite ice cream flavor: It alternates between just plain chocolate and vanilla. How many people have you been really in love with? Twice. Your favorite song at the moment: "Necessary Evil" by Motionless In White feat. Jonathan Davis. What’s most important for you? My well-being. Do you snore? No. What are you looking forward to right now? Mark's next big project comes out October 30th and I can't physically wait, but after that, all I care about is December getting here so I can go up to Sara's. What’s the earliest you’ve ever had to wake up for work? N/A Do you use reusable shopping bags to reduce waste? No, but I wish... I don't do the shopping in my house, so it's not really my decision. How many times have you moved? Three times *really*, but you could kinda say four when Jason, me, and our two friends/another couple moved into an apartment together; my name was in no way involved as being an official resident, but it eventually came to a point where I was there every day and night for quite a while. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? Yes. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? No. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? HA HA fuck no. They've been divorced since I was like 16. Have you ever read any of Charles Darwin’s works? No. Do you think there are more dimensions than what we’re able to perceive? I lean towards no, but it's possible, sure. Does anyone in your family have schizophrenia? Yes. Do any of your neighbors have loud children? No. Who would you say is your hero? Mark, my mom, Sara. You can only shop at one store for the rest of your life where would it be? If you're talking about in order to buy everything, from food to clothes, I'd have to say Walmart. Do you text type or do you type out all your words? Mostly the latter, but I'll use "lol," "otw," stuff like that sometimes. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? No. I'mma be real honest, I don't think I ever would. I just DO NOT trust people. It's fact that the money is usually used for alcohol and drugs, and I've seen news of more than enough posing assholes. Who are you living with? My mom and pets. What are your opinions on colored contacts? Cool as fuck, wish I could wear them. Are you comfortable with your body? Fuck no. What is one thing in your life that is no longer there, that you miss? A social life. What do you believe is the best thing about being a kid? No responsibilities. Life is just simpler. Last time you had a s'more? Shortly after Sara left when she visited. We had leftover stuff so Mom and I made a few. Do you like peppermint candy? Yeah. Do you like spearmint or peppermint gum better? Peppermint, I think. Do you prefer fruity flavors over minty ones? Yes. Do you have a little Pink brand dog from Victoria’s Secret? No. What is the last thing you blew? Idr, I'm sure some kind of food. What’s the last gift you received? Sara got me a mug with a super relevant Markiplier quote sobs- What did your parents do today? I don't live with my dad so idk, but I know my mom's at work. What is the symbol for your type of computer? It's just the brand name. Do the clothes you’re wearing have any type of symbol on them now? Skulls. Do you like peas? NO. Where is your favorite place to be massaged? I wouldn't know, but probably my shoulders? Do you like composition books, or spiral notebooks? Spiral notebooks. The person you like, what color eyes do they have? Brown. So what is your favorite physical feature about that person? She has a freckle on her hip that is so fucking cute. What kind of four wheeler do you have? I don't have and never have had one. Do you live where there are a lot of cows? Sure, I guess. What is your favorite animal with spots? Probably snow leopards. Give me your opinion on sports. I don't have a problem with them (save for like, boxing and ones that can seriously harm people), but I'm not into them. Why do you play the sports you do? N/A Do you actually care about your school work and what grades you make? Yes I care. Do you have a typical family, or a weird one? Honestly a pretty broken one. Do you have a favorite letter? Probably "z," particularly in cursive. From the room you're in can you hear a door shut when someone arrives there? Sometimes. What states have you been to in the past year? Just NC and Illinois. Well, I obviously flew over other states, but I've only stayed in those two. Have you ever sleepwalked? I have not. Do you want children? Why/why not? "Hell no. I don’t like kids and I don’t want the rest of my life to be centred around one." <<< That's a great description for myself as well. I know I would be a fucking awful mother, too. Not as in I'd be mean to my child, absolutely not, it's just I barely manage to take care of myself a lot of the time. I'm not emotionally fit for that job and the stress it entails, at all. And yeah, being willing to make someone else my world is something I'm never doing again. I want my attention to stay on myself, my spouse, and pets. Do you have any credit card debt? Hi, I'm 23 and don't own and never have owned a credit card. Who do you go to for relationship advice? Honestly, I don't. I look within myself for those answers, really. I think I'm pretty intelligent and aware of how to maintain a healthy relationship. There's been times I've talked to my mother about things, but yeah, she's not the greatest to talk about all that with. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. Have you ever been scammed? Not successfully. I think. Did you ever take a personal finance class in school? None were offered at my high school. I don't know if they are now at my college, though, but I don't think so. They need to be, and mandatory. I don't have the slightest goddamn clue how to handle money. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? I'm going through a rough patch right now. School is stressing me. Not having a job and struggling with money to the extreme is about to make my hair fall out. Do you struggle with acne? Not anymore. Did you have a Xanga page back in the pre-Myspace days? I've never had a Xanga. Around what year did you start using the internet, anyways? I was like, 9-10? Maybe even earlier with Webkinz and Neopets, idr. I know I started RP in 2005, and that's when I was very actively online. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? A few. Forum RP is definitely the "weirdest," hence why I hide it publicly. Then there's photographing roadkill. The LOOKS Mom tells me I get when I'm on the ground next to a dead animal, lol. I've had questions, stares, and cars turn around aplenty to make sure I'm okay. I'm really self-conscious about doing it, but I really love doing it for the purpose of forcing eyes onto just how brutal roadkill can be because of us, and the validating comments I've gotten about it online pushes me to keep going with it. Well, that and of course just sincerely enjoying it. That being said, I like gore - in moderation, and some kinds are just off-limits without me getting grossed out. "Vulture culture" (the use of naturally deceased animals in some form of artwork) is also something I am very very interested in. Wet specimens of anything are cool as all fuck. There's a load of unconventional things I enjoy. What temperature do you keep your thermostat set at in the winter? Uhhhh idk, 70-something. Have you ever fostered an animal? No, but I am 110% fostering opossums once I get my own place and am authorized and properly equipped to do so. What is something you thought you’d never like, but you enjoy now? Hm. OH, ketchup. I hated that shit as a kid. Did your parents ever not let you watch any television shows as a child? Yeah, but none in exact come to mind. Basically like, MTV and stuff like that was a big no. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Who was this kiss with? I just turned 16. It was with Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. Have you ever betrayed one of your parents in any way at all? Doing what? I don't think so. What are your favorite stores to go to when you visit the mall? Hot Topic and Spencer's is like all I care about that we have available near here. Has anyone ever told you they don't like the way you run your life? Ohhhhhhhhhh, I wasn't the only one who experienced that with her. At all. Does it bother you when you comment someone’s pictures and they don't even comment you saying ‘thank you’ or comment one of your pictures? I find it rude if they in no way acknowledge a compliment, yes, but you don't have to say thanks. Just like, like/hearting the comment (I'm using Facebook as my platform here) says enough to me that you're appreciative. Now for the second half of the question, that's stupid. I don't care if someone doesn't comment on a picture. Or anything. When was the last time you had a shot? Are you behind on those right now? I had a few numbing shots into my gums when I had a cavity filled early this month/late last month since my tongue ring finally caused one. I'm not behind on any required ones. Have you ever had a really rare disease, virus, or illness? Really rare, I don't think so? When was the last time you just, genuinely went somewhere with friends? Been a looooooong time, idk. Probably not since I was still friends with Colleen. Would you consider yourself a hygiene freak, or do you not care much? Neither of those fit me. Though I'm more likely to neglect myself out of the two. It depends on how I'm doing. That hasn't entirely healed since recovery. Are you old enough to live by yourself or are you just mature enough? I'm definitely old enough, just not independent or healthy enough, or financially capable. What is one thing you stopped doing just because everyone else stopped? I've never moved with fads. Have you ever been considered the freak of your class at any time in life? "Freak" seems a bit strong of a word, but "the weird kid," probably. Have you ever been to a Sea World before? Which one in which state? As a kid, yes, in Florida. I wouldn't now as an adult; I do not even remotely support their captivity of whales. I don't know all the facts behind their business so can't speak for all the animals, and I am not against all animal captivity so long it is providing and with good purpose (conservation, education, etc.), but nothing will make me pay to support the incredibly incompetent housing and mistreatment of whales. Do you believe in any kind of magic? Is it the stereotypical kind? *shrugs* I mean I dunno, define "magic," I guess. I personally believe some form of greater intelligence created the universe, and I suppose that's "magic." The person I copied this from brought up a great point, too: Science itself can seem pretty magical, so where do you even draw the line? Ex., the evolution of caterpillar to butterfly. That shit's fuckin' wild. A living thing melts to mush and is reformed in an entirely and completely new body. With wings, dude. There are truly a lot of natural things that occur in our world that make that line we've created blurry. Are you currently working on any kind of project at this moment in time? An argumentative essay on climate change in College Writing, if you call that a "project." I haven't started writing truly in-depth yet and may switch my focus to arranged marriages (seems random, yeah, but they're from a set list of options relevant to the book we read), only because I get fucking heated talking about climate change, and our professor made a point of not "preaching," and I also have to be capable of writing a paragraph of concession, that being an acknowledgment of the opposing point and considering its views, but. I don't think I could give climate change deniers' mindset even a sliver of genuine thought. As absolutely awful and appalling as they are, at least I can see a reason (a terrible one, but you get me) like hastening procreation in arranged marriages. Okay wow rambling ANYWAY yeah, in the starting stages of writing an essay. Which do you do more: read books, spent time online, or watch television? I'm like... always online, so yeah. What do you do the most when you’re online? Listen to/watch YouTube. Which foot is bigger, your left or your right? I don't know, I've never noticed. Do you think you’re too old to go trick-or-treating? Personally I believe anyone should be able to, but by society's standards, I am. Do you have a bobblehead? No. Have you ever had a themed b-day party? As a kid, yeah. Were you afraid of heights as a child? Nope. Do you think it’s stupid when you’re dying to have someone pray that you don’t feel afraid? (I would want them to pray that I live, personally) No? I don't believe that there's power in prayer period, but it's kind, realistic, and encouraging to hope they stay unafraid. Death is natural and happens to every single living thing, so truly, we shouldn't fear death all too much. What’s the strangest thing you’ve wrapped a present in? Uh nothing? Do you enjoy and appreciate life? Or is this something you need to learn? I appreciate it very much, but I do need to learn to enjoy it more. Have you ever made a pom-pom out of yarn? No. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? N- oh wait, in Sunday school as a young child, I was Mary in one. I don't remember HOW large the role was, but I would assume it was relatively big. Do you know how to use iMovie? I've never really tried it. I could probably figure it out pretty quickly, though. Would you raise your kids differently than your parents raised you? In some ways. For one, I would fucking not spank them. What was the best part about college? I most enjoy the flexibility of my schedule. It's not a 7-hour or whatever day every weekday. If you were homeschooled, did you come up with a school mascot? If so, what? N/A How many times a day do you check your cell to see if you have a text? Whenever it vibrates. Ever wonder if the person you hate will become the person you marry? *Hated but lmao that might just happen. If you could live in three places, a year each, where would they be? Germany, California, and maybe Canada. Your choice of transportation for anything: camel, jet pack or carriage? Carriage, probably. Think of a movie and now give me that movie title: The last person said Titanic so now I'm thinking romances, so The Notebook. Quote a line from that movie: "Tell me I'm a bird." "If you're a bird, I'm a bird." I wanted that as a tattoo with my spouse one day once upon a time. Aw! A line from your wedding vows is now: I want to recite the Corpse Bride vows with my partner. I don't feel like looking them up rn. Name a song: "God's Gonna Cut You Down" by Marilyn Manson, 'cuz that's what I'm listening to. What’s a line from that song? "Sure as God made black and white, what's done in the dark will be brought to the light." Name your two favorite characters from a TV show or movie: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Lust and Envy, probably. When was the last time you fell asleep in a car? I dunno. How often do you think about death? Not too often? Do you believe what comes around goes around? Not always, but cause and effect makes it so sometimes. What about everything happens for a reason? NOPE. Can you sing? Not well. What kinds of little advertisements are on this page right now? None rn. Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? I don't believe so. Do you have any freckles on your feet? No. If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? Black, when I do. I barely ever wear makeup, though. If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? BENTLEY DOES, particularly with guests (once he trusts them, anyway). If Teddy is getting attention, odds are he's gonna come on over and stick his nose in it. Do you have any brightly colored pants? No. Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? The laundry room. It's either hot or cold as fuck, depending on the season. Can you solve a Rubik’s Cube? No. I'm not good at planning future steps. Do you remember the last question you were asked? What did you answer? Well, besides the last survey question, I really don't. Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? No.

[depechemodespiritera]

Think, for a second, how the world has changed since Depeche Mode first came together in 1980. Never mind iPhones—most homes didn’t even have a then-futuristic invention known as a VCR. The Clash had just rolled out a game-changing record called London Calling, the Cars were the world’s hottest new wave band, and Bon Scott was still fronting AC/DC. Unless you were deep into Kraftwerk, synths were something you normally only heard when Rick Wakeman was mounting a live on-ice production of The Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

But speaking volumes about the endurance of Depeche Mode, the group has not only ridden out a good 50 or so musical palace revolutions, but is still completely relevant today. Forget planting their flag in Nostalgiaville, members Dave Gahan, Martin Gore, and Andy Fletcher continue to record albums that suggest they’re doing anything but going through motions, with this year’s Spirit debuting in the Billboard top five in both the U.K. and America.

The reward for that? Well, on a purely commercial level, Depeche Mode is—after a crazy 37 years together—still headlining hockey rinks, including tonight’s Vancouver stop at Rogers Arena. As for the group’s artistic legacy, how many other bands have been cited as a formative by influence by a cast that ranges from No Doubt, the Pet Shop Boys, and Arcade Fire to Marilyn Manson, Rammstein, and Nine Inch Nails? If you answered “none”, take a bow.

PAYING THE BILLS. Depeche Mode’s first notable hit came in the form of “Just Can’t Get Enough”, a song which has since been used everywhere from Gap commercials to Hollywood movie promos (including the Steve Carrell/Ryan Gosling vehicle Crazy, Stupid, Love). As savvy music-biz types are well aware, such high-profile placements is where the money is these days, especially since people stopped buying music right around the time Lars Ulrich got mega-pissed at Napster. “Just Can’t Get Enough” has indeed brought in the big bucks, but that’s little consolation for group mainstays: Dave Gahan, Martin Gore, and Andy Fletcher. The song was written by Vince Clarke, who played with Depeche Mode for about 10 minutes before bolting for a career that included Erasure, Yaz, and solo releases. But that short stint proved lucrative as he’s retained the rights to the song. In an Entertainment Weekly interview, Gahan recalls sitting down with Clarke, Fletcher, and Gore in front of a music publisher. He remembers the story as follows, with the publisher saying: “‘You know, Vince, you’re going to be driving a Rolls Royce when these lot are still on a tandem,’ pointing to me and [bandmates] Martin [Gore] and Fletch [Andy Fletcher]. And it probably was true! I think that song has kept him in cornflakes for many years.” Watch closely in the “Just Can’t Get Enough” video below and you’ll see U2 drummer Larry Mullen Jr.

POOR NO MORE. As of early June, Depeche Mode’s Global Spirit tour had taken in a whopping $45.6 million, that number having only ballooned in the past five months. That should ensure that the members of the band don’t have to resort to food stamps over the new few years. As wealthy as Depeche Mode has made him today, Gahan also knows what it’s like to be poor. And, also, what’s its like to be saved by music when you’re a nerdy outsider, which he notes that he definitely was. “My mother raised four kids on her own pretty much, worked two jobs and raised us in a really little house,” he told Electronic Beats in 2013. “I remember I had a small radio that I would go to bed with. My two little brothers and me shared a small bedroom. I was on a mattress on the floor in a sleeping bag, while they were in the bunk bed. I had this little earpiece thing which I would use to listen late at night to John Peel or whatever weird music that wasn’t on daytime radio or TV, which was another important part of my musical upbringing.”

ON THE PITCH. You can take the boy out of England, but evidently you can’t England out of the boy. Growing up across the pond, Martin Gore quite understandably fell in love with football—more commonly known as soccer on these shores. For those who actually care about football, err, soccer, his favourite team in Arsenal. Gore has lived in California for most of this century, but that hasn’t made him change his sporting allegiance to the baseball diamond, frozen pond or grid iron. The famously positive Depeche Mode co-founder not only still loves soccer, err football, best, but also continues to play it once a week. “Believe or not,” he told legendary Los Angeles radio station KROQ in 2013, “I play more soccer here than I ever did in England because you feel like playing it more because it’s hotter. You don’t have to deal with the cold and the rain.” As you can see from the clip below, he's been playing the game since the days when he used to buy Wella New Wave Tame It Volumizing Mousse by the crate.

MAKING POUR DECISIONS.  Gore’s lyrics often mirrored Gahan’s tortured existence during the singer’s drug-addled years, but the guitarist has denied using his bandmate as a muse. “I’m not writing the sountrack to Dave’s life”, he told the Independent. That might have something to do with the fact that the songwriter’s own experiences were fittingly tumultuous. A borderline alcoholic, Gore suffered two stress-induced seizures on tour in 1993 to promote Faith and Devotion, and was reportedly such a mess during the recording of 2005’s Playing the Angel that producer Ben Hillier would have a few hours in the morning to get the guitarist to put some music down on tape before he got too drunk to play. Realizing that he’d “cross[ed] a line” after regularly waking up to two double vodkas for breakfast, Gore finally sobered up a short while later, though his lyrics often remain similarly bleak.

YOU CAN’T CHOOSE YOUR FANS.  Earlier this year, Richard Spencer, the white nationalist and leading activist for ethnic cleansing in the States, named Depeche Mode the “official band of the Alt-Right” at the conservative CPAC conference. Telling Rolling Stone that “Depeche Mode is a band of existential angst, pain, sadism, horror, darkness, and much more”, the unofficial Alt-Right leader suggested that he heard “a bit of a fascist element” in the  music. Although Spencer later argued on Twitter that he was “a lifelong fan”, commenters questioned his comprehension of the group’s lyrics such as “I can’t understand / What makes a man / Hate another man” in chart-topping “People Are People”, and that guitarist Martin Gore’s biological father is an African American. Depeche Mode also hit back, telling Rolling Stone that the band has no ties to Richard Spencer or the Alt-Right and does not support the Alt-Right movement—a statement reinforced by the band’s latest record, Spirit, which was written to explicitly address the malaise felt after the U.S. election and Britain’s right-leaning Brexit vote.

[bangtaninfiresaubrey]

JiHope- (I WILL LOVE YOU) FOR A THOUSAND YEARS: Gif Scrapbook

A/N: This chapter is a bit different because it's just a series of gifs I saw and decided to put together.  Most of the information given about these gifs is incorrect and I do not know the actual details of all but one gif that I have used. Said gifs take place in an obviously non-chronological order in real life, so please just try not to get technical with me and enjoy the story.

Summary:

"To cringe or to kiss, that is the question."

"You know it was cute, just kiss me, dork."

Word Count: 2023

Third Person P.O.V.

“Oh, babe look at this one!” Jimin muses with a smile on his face.  “This one’s from when we went to Japan and had to eat our snacks backstage because we thought we were going to be late,” he reminisces.  Hoseok hums in agreement, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he leans closer to his fiancé, looking over his shoulder at the photo taken just a year or so after their debut.  It showed the both of them with their hair parted to the side, makeup done, and their costumes perfectly placed on their bodies.  Their manager had yelled at them for eating their sweets now, insisting that it would have made things a lot easier if they had eaten before they were this close to going on stage. Jin had to be the one to calm manager-nim down, telling him the two were fine as they were and that they still had thirty-five minutes before they were supposed to even get their microphones on. After the staff-member was somewhat calmer and had walked away to get something of his own to eat, the two young men proceeded to open the bag of breads and cookies, feeding each other the small treats if they thought they were good enough to share with the other. That was one of their most sentimental memories together backstage, even if it was before they started dating.

“What were you even doing in this one, Chim Chim?” Hoseok asks bemusedly, pointing to a photo of Jimin playing with Hoseok’s ear.  Jimin pulls the scrapbook closer to his side of the table to get a closer look.

“Oh!  That was after I realized that you didn’t have your ears pierced and I forgot what it was like to not have earrings.  And I was bored,” the smaller male replied as if it were the most normal thing in the world to be touching someone’s ears.

“Is that it,” the elder replied with a chuckle, thinking that his fiancé wouldn’t have anything else to add.  He was wrong, of course, because he didn’t realize that Jimin’s self-defense would be triggered by his own somewhat-childish demeanor.

“Your ears are really cute, okay?  And, I don’t know, you just looked so soft and adorable when you were just sitting there talking and I couldn’t stop myself because you know how weak I am for my squishy-seokie.”  By the end of Jimin’s tiny spiel, his tone has an added little pout to it that Hoseok can’t resist and Jimin has that beautiful glint in his eyes that he gets when he talks about how much he loves his fiancé.

“Hmm, to cringe or to kiss, that is the question,” Hoseok jokes cutely, grinning at Jimin with his world-famous, award-winning smile and hoping the love of his life would realize he was only messing with the younger.

“You know it was cute, just kiss me, dork,” Jimin counters while holding back a fit of giggles, now relieved that he realizes that his fiancé wasn’t being skeptical on purpose, grasping Hoseok’s chin softly with his chubby hands, pulling him in for a smooth, soft kiss.  They scoot closer together after the kiss and turn the page together.

“Oh, I know you remember this one.  You kept teasing me during that game,” Hoseok points out.  Jimin replies with a gasp of mock-hurt, his hand flying to his chest in an offended gesture.

“I was not,” the smaller male whisper-shouted in feigned disbelief.

“Right, because when the others told you to tickle me, they definitely meant they wanted you to pat my chest with your cute little fingers,” Hoseok countered sarcastically.

“Hey, you weren’t being nice either!  You spit your water at me!” Jimin pouted.  Hoseok smiled mischievously in return.

“Only because you deserved it, sweetheart,” he jested, making his voice sound lighter in tone and batting his lashes at the younger to add a false account of sugariness.  Jimin rolled his eyes and pecked the elder on the cheek before they moved on to look at the picture next to it.

“When was this one, babe? I’m thinking it was from when we’d been together for… what, four and a half months?” Jimin asks curiously, looking at a photo of them dancing together during one of their older eras.

“That sounds about right. I think that’s when we were dancing to Big Bang songs before one of the shows.  This was taken right at the end of Sunset Glow, remember?  And then we danced to some of Fantastic Baby before we actually got ready to go on stage.”  Jimin nodded in acceptance.  He remembered quite well, now that Hoseok was telling him exactly when this was.  He could remember how gorgeous his boyfriend looked with his cat-ear-styled hair and his sleeveless tank-top.  Jimin always thought that era was his favorite since it made all of them look quite sexy, especially his Hobi.

“And this one is from—”

“The Boy in Luv era,” Hoseok finishes his fiancé’s sentence, remembering the silly photo of them from what seems like ages ago.  Hoseok remembers quite well how laid back their lives used to be.  They were never really settled down, but the Boy in Luv era was the closest they’d ever really gotten—after their career started—to being content and only a little busy with their schedules.  The couple almost got married during that era, having been together for just over a year and madly in love.  But the two never got the money or the time to figure out who was proposing, what engagement ring the other wanted, or where to start their future together.  Just as they thought they’d be able to settle down and figure everything out, their names became popular.  BTS was at an all-time high in popularity and their full schedules were becoming unbelievably more so.  So with everything going on, engagement ring orders were postponed, proposal speeches were set aside, and reservations were cancelled.  The only thing that wasn’t put aside was their deep, undying love for each other.  Work was simply more important to them.  At least they were together.

One wouldn’t think that a photo with an aurora of happiness and carefree playfulness would bring tears to the two men’s eyes, but it did.  The overwhelming nostalgia of the moment reminding them of the hardships their relationship went through afterword.  The seven of them not being able to sleep more than a handful of hours every night, if at all. They would only have a few hours to themselves on some days, sometimes those hours would be taken up by interviews, replying to fan mail, or if they were lucky, simply watching a movie together.  The couple spent every bit of time they had with each other trying to console one another with affection to fill the small void made by the slight disappointment of not being able to marry.

Snapping out of their reveries of the bittersweet past, Jimin pulled Hoseok onto his lap and wiped the wistful tears from both their faces, smiling at the elder.

“I’m so glad to have you as my fiancé now, Hobi,” Jimin beamed, a hint of another just as meaningful message that only Hoseok could understand shining in his beautiful eyes.

“I love you too, mochi.” With that, the elder delivers another kiss to his dongsaeng’s cheek, turning the page to look at the next photo.

This photo, unlike the previous, was just as fluffy as it looked.  Jimin’s beautiful smile was being pointed at the camera, while his amusement and happiness were pointed at his boyfriend of two years.  They had both just returned from a bar, deciding to go home to the dorms before the rest of the group.  The two of them were slightly buzzed, but still sober enough to make consciously responsible decisions.

At some point after they got home, one of them (they honestly couldn’t remember which) brought up the topic of kids.  Hoseok decided it would be cute to video-tape it on his phone and take the picture of Jimin smiling at the end so they could look back on this night and remember exactly what they talked about.

“Would you want a boy or girl, Jiminnie?”

“I don’t know… maybe both, but I think it would be nice to have the girl first,” he replied dreamily.

“I think that would be so cute,” Hoseok agreed.  “I might not think so later on, but for some reason the thought of being woken up in the middle of the night to little giggles and shouts makes me want kids like right now,” he pointed out, slightly amused with himself.

“If we get to name them, what do you think their names would be?”

“Something westernized, but still traditional.  One of them with a western first name, and the other with a Korean first name and their middle names would be the same way.  Like Kwangjoon Ryan and Melissa Yeojin.  Not those names specifically, but something like that,” the younger explained, already excited about choosing baby names and making a list.  Speaking of lists, that made him think of what they would buy for clothes.  “What styles of clothes do you think we’d buy for them, babe?”

“All the cute ones,” Hoseok replied, spreading his arms in an animated gesture to elaborate on the ‘all’.  “Dancer outfits, snapbacks, leggings and joggers, khakis and dresses, rompers and onesies…” the elder listed dreamily, already wanting to shop online for the best, most adorable outfits.

“Taehyung would probably make us buy at least seventy Gucci outfits,” Jimin pointed out.  That made Hoseok laugh heartily and nod.

“He probably would.  What if we decided to donate?  Have a nice lady—we’d get to know her of course—decide if she wanted to be a co-parent? It would be kind of nice to have a baby that’s partially ours biologically,” Hoseok wondered thoughtfully. “I’d like to have a baby Jimin running around the house,” he imagined, smiling softly to the camera.

“If we’re donating, we’d have to do a sample from both of us.  And I think it would be great to have you donate first.  I’m really liking the idea of a girl Hobi as an older sister,” Jimin suggested.

“As long as one of them has your sexy dance moves and beautiful voice, I think that would be lucky enough.”  This made Jimin smile bashfully, a small blush creeping up his neck.  “I can’t wait to have beautiful children with you, Jiminnie.”

The final photo they looked at had yet to be put in the scrapbook.  Just over a month ago the two of them had gone to an underground hip-hop dance competition and tied for second place.  In celebration of their personal win, they went to a closed-off lounge area where the both of them sat with their friends.  They had both prepared for the moment of their engagement by keeping a ring in one of their pockets every time they went out together. For both of them, now seemed like the perfect time.  

They went to the back of the room and sat on one of the couches.  Each of them taking out their proposal speeches, Jimin’s on his phone and Hoseok’s written out on paper, they recited them to the other.  Both men cried, the overwhelming way with words they shared was almost equally as remarkable as that of their leader’s, if not more so.  Both speeches were wonderfully thought out, seeing as though the two of them had spent every waking moment they had alone to perfectly draft, edit, and rewrite every piece necessary to make it perfect for the other.  The photo was taken after their rings were exchanged, the engagement was announced, and the two of them were completely engulfed in the other’s presence.  Every feeling they could possibly have overwhelmed them into one emotion that could only described as love.  Because only the best feelings in the world are so broad and fulfilling that they can only be identified as something so vague, yet so understandably, perfectly correct.

[sage-nebula]

random, but how does it feel to play on the switch?

I really, really, really like it!

I know there are a lot of people who have already posted reviews about this or that problem---glitches that were fixed with the first patch update, or the lag that sometimes occurs when playing on the TV became of frame rate drops (which I think might be a result of this game originally being developed for the Wii U, and then ported to the Switch, versus a problem with developing games for the Switch from scratch), but these are things that I consider very easy to live with, especially since . . . well, in all honesty, when you’ve dealt with the load times and lag of Tales of the Abyss for the Playstation 2, you can deal with load/lag for basically anything. Seriously, I’ve never experienced such horrid lag in all my life than I did when playing Abyss on the PS2. I have war flashbacks sometimes.

So those things are very minor, and they don’t bother me. The small size of the Joy-Con + Joy-Con grip doesn’t really bother me, either. Sure, it might be nice if they were a little bigger, but it’s still comfortable enough for me to hold, so I don’t mind it. (That said, I can imagine that it would be harder for someone with bigger hands, but for me personally it’s not an issue.)

More than anything, though, I feel like the Switch is the perfect system for me personally. Like, it has literally everything I could ever ask for or ever wanted in a console. And I know that probably sounds like Nintendo fangirling, but I can assure you that as much as I love Nintendo, I wouldn’t give praise where it isn’t due. I criticize them when I feel they’ve made bad decisions, and in all honesty I can’t even say that the Switch was necessarily an objectively good move yet, because I still feel that combining a home console with a portable system was a really big risk for them (since they’ve had the handheld market on lock for several decades now, but their console sales have been a lot shakier, and I don’t want them to fully leave the handheld market if they aren’t absolutely positive that combining the two can pay off for them). Particularly given that some people seem determined to find fault with everything Nintendo does regardless, I’m not sure that, objectively, the Switch was the best way to take things.

But on a personal level, if I look at it just in terms of my own enjoyment, I love it.

See, my thing is---I’ve always preferred portable systems. This might be a result of my upbringing, because growing up we always only ever had the one TV, which meant that I was very, very often kicked off my console games after only an hour of playing (if that) because my biological mother or other family member wanted to watch television. At my dad’s house I had my own TV in my room and so I could play my consoles as much as I wanted, but at my biological mother’s---with the exception of times when she was at work or sleeping---I always had to give the TV up. If the Switch had existed back then, that literally would not have been a problem. Since it’s both a portable system and a console, you can play it on the TV, but then just as easily switch (ha) to portable mode and keep playing. And the transition is literally seamless. There might be a second, if that, of time for the screen to switch between the TV and the handheld, but otherwise? Your game doesn’t skip a beat. This isn’t a case where you have to save, shut down, and then switch to portable mode; it’s not a case where you can only play in portable mode within range of the system and television. No, you can switch to portable immediately and take it with you anywhere. This is what I always dreamed of as a child, and now it’s a reality, and while I’m sad that I didn’t have it back then, I’m happy for the kids of today who can take advantage of it now.

Of course, I live alone now, so there’s no real issue of being booted off the TV (save for, perhaps, the rare instances that I stay at my parents’ house), but I still absolutely adore it because . . . okay, when I get really, really into a game, sometimes I experience withdrawal if I can’t play. For instance, when I played the first Ace Attorney game for the first time, I distinctly remember being at work (in the kid’s department of JC Penney, all those years ago) and having this anxious, fluttery feeling in my chest because I was so desperate to keep playing, but couldn’t, because I was at work and, even though that game was portable, I wasn’t allowed to keep playing it. Similarly, when I played Tales of Symphonia for the first time, I experienced the same thing at school---and since that was a console game, I really couldn’t keep playing it. I was so desperate to know what happened next in both cases, and yet I couldn’t keep playing it because I had things to do that took me away from my house / the game. It was maddening.

With the Switch, that’s really not an issue. Oh sure, sometimes I have to tend to responsibilities, but I can take the Switch---and therefore Breath of the Wild---with me. On March 4th I had to have my car serviced, and while I sat in the waiting room while they worked on my car, I played this game. The very same game that I had played on my television the night before, I played in portable form right there in the waiting area of the car dealership (since they also have mechanics that tend to cars). Mind blowing. And I do the same thing at work; when we’re slow, when there’s nothing immediate to tend to, I pull out my Switch and I play. I can do that now. The very reason why I prefer portable games (that I can play them anywhere, any time) can now be applied to this console. Combine that with the fact that it’s really comfortable to play in portable mode (the size of the Joy-Cons ceases to be an issue when in portable mode), the display is beautiful, sound is pretty great, and the performance is stellar, and it’s basically a dream come true for me.

So yeah, on a personal level, honestly I feel like the Switch is perfect. I really did like the Wii U as a console (although the only game I ever played on it to any great extent was Splatoon), but the Switch is better in every way for me. The Wii U was good, but the Switch fits my specific needs perfectly. I’m really glad that I decided to spend my Christmas money on it. I mean, I still feel a bit guilty for doing that, like I was being irresponsible for buying this instead of paying my bills, but like . . . I wanted to treat myself, and I did, and it paid off because this is something I’ve already gotten a lot of use out of, and I know I’m going to use it for a long time to come (especially since I’m pretty convinced that the next main series Pokémon games are going to be on the Switch, whether that’s the Sinnoh remakes or Gen VIII or both). Others may find reason to complain, and I have seen some people calling it a “beta” or “half-baked” console (which I strongly disagree with), but I personally really love it.

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Classic Toys Remain Popular for Holiday Shopping

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Peak toy season is upon us. Over the next six weeks, 40 to 60 percent of American consumers will purchase at least one toy during the holiday season. As a rule, toys are a bit like potato chips – it’s hard to stop once you’ve started.

Some of those toys will be for children and some will be for the adults themselves (admit it, you’re thinking about getting a new lightsaber), but on average Americans buy between $25 and $30 billion in toys per year, according to The Toy Association. Over 75 percent of those dollars are spent during the holiday season, not counting video games or video game consoles.

And while everyone has heard some version of the grandparent’s lament – that kids these days have too many fancy toys – maybe there’s something to it. One can buy his or her child a smartwatch (outside of Germany, anyway), a kit that will help them build their own computer, dozens of toys centered on teaching the elemental aspects of computer coding, stuffed animals that need to be hatched out of eggs and dolls with a surprising number of biological functions. Kids’ toys have, in fact, become very high-tech these days, a far cry from the Cabbage Patch dolls that nearly provoked toy store riots 30 years ago.

And yet, for all the newness and newfangledness of toy innovation, it is remarkable how many of the classics are still not only available, but thriving. They may have gotten a modern update or two – some have undergone several – but their central appeal is the same, and their markets remain avid.

Some favorites …

The Erector Set

The original STEM toy, and part of the first class of toys inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame (yes, that exists), has actually been around for over 100 years. The first sets were originally patented by Alfred Carlton Gilbert and first sold by his company, the Mysto Manufacturing Company of New Haven, Connecticut in 1913.  It is also believed to have been the first toy ever advertised in a national campaign with a nationally recognized slogan.

The Erector sets of today are built and manufactured by the Meccano company of France, and have come a long way from the simple model-building kits first introduced to the world 103 years ago. These days, one can build a functioning crane, car or rollercoaster with an Erector set.

Fun Fact: The inventor of the Erector set, A.C. Gilbert, was briefly known as the man who saved Christmas, after his successful lobby of the Council of National Defense to reject a proposal to ban toy production in favor of wartime-related materials during World War I.

Barbie

Barbie is turning 58 this year, but she’s looking amazingly good for her age. By Mattel’s estimates, there are three Barbie dolls sold per minute in the world every day. From that single blonde doll released at the dawn of the 1960s, there are now 800 different dolls that bear Barbie branding.

Barbie has changed a lot over time. Her historical measurements (11.5 inches) would translate to a woman who is 5 feet 9 inches tall with a 36-inch chest, 18-inch waist and 33-inch hips – measurements that various doctors ruled verging on impossible for a healthy human female. So, Barbie got a slight upgrade in 2001, which tweaked her waist, and then a diversification in 2016, which saw Barbies of various heights and shapes hit the market.

And when not being the world’s most recognized doll, Barbie is also behind a content empire, has been painted by Andy Warhol and has been banned in Saudi Arabia.

She was also in the National Toy Hall of Fame first class – because Barbie gets around.

Fun Fact: The original Barbie sold for $3.00. The most expensive Barbie was created in partnership with Australian jewelry designer Stefano Canturi to raise money for the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. The doll sold for $302,500 at auction in 2010.

Legos

Despite the fact that Legos have been around since 1932, they still make the Washington Post‘s annual hot Christmas toy list for children.

And despite the number of ways Legos have expanded past their early days, the brand is remarkably consistent. Every Lego ever built remains compatible in some way with every other Lego ever created.

Because, despite their simplicity – apart from specialty pieces, all Lego sets break down to a six-variation set of 2 x 4 bricks – that simple shape array can be combined 915,103,765 ways.

And counting: The math is actually still out on that one, according to a documentary on the subject.

But while the exact number of possible Lego combinations is up in the air, the near limitless public enthusiasm for them is not. Lego actually had a rough year – it ousted its CEO executive in August and posted its first sales decline in more than a decade.

But one can never count Lego out: Those people are, quite literally, very crafty. And it seems its Women of NASA line is a bonafide hit, as the $24.99 set sold on Amazon within 24 hours. It will likely be impossible to get by the holiday.

Fun Fact: A 12-year-old child prodigy from California used his LEGO MINDSTORMS EV3 set to make a functional Braille printer when he saw fliers asking for donations to help the blind. The Lego set retails for about $350. Braille printers retail for around $2,000 online.

Play-Doh

Toy concepts don’t get much simpler or more straightforward than Play-Doh, which nonetheless has managed to remain one of childhood’s more hugely popular toys for the last 60 years.

Since hitting the market in 1956, Play-Doh has sold more than 3 billion cans of the compound. The brand has reported double-digit revenue growth for the last three consecutive years, including a 32 percent increase in 2015.

“It becomes a rite of passage for every kid to play with Play-Doh,” Greg Lombardo, vice president of marketing for the brand, told Fortune in an interview.

To maintain its seemingly magical staying power, Play-Doh’s owner continually tries to innovate to keep it relevant. They rolled out a new version called Play-Doh Plus, and an arts-and-crafts line called DohVinci, which is intended for older kids.

But, Lombardo noted, the real magic of Play-Doh – for all users – is that it is a totally free-form toy, and that its only limits are the user’s imagination.

Fun Fact: Play-Doh was not invented to be a toy; it was first sold to consumers as a wallpaper cleaner.

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by your holiday shopping list and not sure if your kids need one more toy that connects to the internet, it turns out that not all toys have to be high-tech. In fact, high tech has the problem of being highly breakable, whereas one would need some pretty heavy-duty firepower to destroy an Erector set or even dent a Lego.

Which is perhaps why these toys continue to stand the test of time so well: For all the ways they’ve changed, they remain the same in their ability to both delight children and survive to a second playtime.

Something to keep in mind, perhaps, before making the next pickup of toys.

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