#bildad the shuhite does not fuck the goats

[bil-daddy]

After seeing that picture of Aziraphale, I am now concerned for your goats.

Don't worry. I follow the Crowley Test. It's like the Harkness Test, only even stricter.

Still have no clue who 'Crowley' is, though. (Besides the fact that he's incredibly attractive.)

[ennas-aesthetic]

Good Omens 2, Minisode 1 - Companion to Owls is like: It's an exploration of a long-debated philosophical, moral, and theological conundrum. Can suffering be justified if it is a test of faith? Must faith be blind, not reasonable? How does one define goodness and righteousness? Should the definition of 'right' be normative? Deontological? Consequential? On the inherent value of a person? Where does one draw the line between good and evil? Right and wrong? Does that line even exist?

And while that's all happening an angel is absolutely devouring a rack of ox ribs in a way that could only be described as weirdly sensual. A demon (in full beard and sunglasses ensemble) transforms goats into birds because he did not want to kill them. Job asks God to show Herself and explain what the fuck's Her deal and She said "LOL come back to me if you can MAKE A WHALE, BRO." Job has a twink son and he outfrutied the frutiest angel. I'm Jemimah I made this pot! The Heavenly Host does not know how childbirth works. The Heavenly Host thinks childbirth works by pulling two strips of ribs from the man and manifesting fully grown kids in an embrace. The Heavenly Host thinks Bildad the Shuhite - obstetrician and shoemaker extraordinaire - is a real person.

[nicolegmattos]

Ohhh. Don’t worry. I’m on it!

(Don’t know if it turned out hilarious exactly lol but I tried)

Michael: *shows photos of Crowley and Aziraphale together* I went back through the Earth observation files.

Gabriel: I’m sure there’s a perfectly innocent explanation.

Michael: Of course. Would you have any objection to me following this up using back channels?

Gabriel: There are no back channels, Michael.

Michael: *leaves*

Gabriel: *picks up a photo* Why does this demon look so familiar?

After season 2…

Beelzebub: Seems like Crowley is a demon with good taste, after all. Alpha Centauri is really beautiful.

Gabriel: Yeah.

Beelzebub: I mean, after those strange haircuts and beards through the ages and those tacky snakeskin shoes you’d think twice about anything he recommends.

Gabriel: What did you say?

Beelzebub: You’d think twice about anything he recommends.

Gabriel: No, before that.

Beelzebub: Oh, about the strange looks he’s had? I mean, you’ve seen some of them. To be honest, he looked like a goat with that beard he used to have in 2500 B.C.

Gabriel: Was that, by any chance, when we were testing Job?

Beelzebub: Yeah… I believe so. He was always one of our best demons. He invented some bullshit about being a cobbler at the time.

Gabriel: You mean Bildad the Shuhite?!

Beelzebub: That was the name? Yeah, I think it’s right.

Gabriel: HE WAS BILDAD THE SHUHITE?!

Beelzebub: Are you… ok?

Gabriel: HE WAS BILDAD THE SHUHITE! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. HOW DID I NOT REALIZE IT BEFORE?!

Beelzebub: I mean… he’s pretty good at disguising himself.

Gabriel: I WAS THE ARCHANGEL FUCKING GABRIEL! HOW?! HOW DID HE MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME?!

Beelzebub: Well… it’s not that hard, is it?

Gabriel: You too?

Beelzebub: You know it’s true.

Gabriel: :,(

I’ll never get over the fact that Gabriel couldn’t recognize Crowley as a demon.

Like

Jemima, a literal child: You’re a funny-looking angel.

Crowley: Aren’t I just?

Jemima: Are you a demon?

Then

Gabriel, the freaking Supreme Archangel: Who is he?

Aziraphale: He says he’s… Bildad the Shuhite.

Crowley: That’s me. Bildad the Shuhite.

Gabriel: *believes*

I really need to know if one day Gabriel realized that Crowley and Bildad the Shuhite were the same person lol