#big scary trying to seduce big softie who can and will benchpress him into the spirit realm is my jam

[youngster-monster]

kung fu panda, but gay (a short and ill-advised not-fic by yours truly)

alright, alright- panda bear with me here.

so.

concept.

animals live together, right? but they still have traditions unique to their races/type. Little rituals, family structure, those kinda things.

Cats (tigers, snow leopard, same difference: they’re cousins) share a similar courtship tradition. Basically: beat each other up. Whoever loses has to woo the other by bringing them food, jewels, the bodies of their enemies. A way to say ‘you are stronger than me but i can still provide for you’. you know, love.

and you know how Po basically. banished one Tai Lung to the spirit realm? a spirit realm notorious for having people just. wading in and out of it for the past few years because the dead just. won’t. rest?

yeaahhh

so.

Tai Lung comes back to life.

And, you know, prison made him angry, but death/spiritual banishment? that puts things into perspective. he’s had some time to think about stuff like entitlement and his own worth beyond kung fu and just, you know. Stuff.

but mostly he’s had time to think about Po.

because, see, Po has saved the valley and defeated fearsome enemies a few times by now. And Tai Lung — a kung fu master, with an inate respect for strength and power — finds that. pretty hot!

i know, i know. but just imagine it.

so Tai Lung has a type and it’s ‘can kick his ass but will be nice about it’. typical big cat stuff. and Shifu, being a good parental figure, looked into snow leopard traditions and taught him as much about it as he could, so he would keep a connection to his heritage. so he knows what to do about this infatuation of his for Po.

he’s gonna woo the panda.

one morning Po wakes up, go outside and finds a fish.

just, a whole-ass fish, fresh out of the water, laying on the treshold of the palace.

he takes it inside and cooks it for breakfast. you know, as you do when finding a whole-ass fish on the ground.

and then the next day, another, bigger fish.

and the day after that.

next day, no fish. instead, bags of spice. an expensive gift, if not particularily showy.

“awesome! i was just thinking i was lacking some,” po says

tigress asks about it. spices don’t just manifest from the aether, right? this stuff gotta come from somewhere

“yeah, someone has been leaving food for us I think?” he says, blissfully unaware of the implication of What Is Going On

“hey,” says tigress, who is Perfectly Aware of what Those Fish in That Order and put in That Place mean. “your father wouldn’t happen to have seen any feline newcomer in the Valley, would he?”

“not that I know of?”

“right,” tigress says, looking at the other furious fives. so, sneaky newcomer. perfectly aware of what Po (because there is no way this isn’t about Po and his ridiculous Dragon Warrior business) likes and wants. unheard and unseen by any of them. right. cool. no problem at all.

the following morning, just before dawn, they’re waiting for this Mysterious Suitor and, in good kung fu manner, jumps him just as he is about to leave.

in the tussle, his cloak slip to reveal the one and only Tai Lung, who promptly gets laid down because he’s trying to pull his punches and he’s out of shape. they drag him inside and leaves him in a locked room while they go look for Po, while he sinks to the floor ready to break out the “So You Threw Down With Your Crush’s Best Friends” pamphlet

“Tai Lung???” says Po,

“‘sup” says Tai Lung, with as much dignity as he can muster while tied down with ropes and also having been beaten by people he has easily defeated in the past.

“you’re supposed to be dead!”

“i got better.”

“are you going to try to take over the valley or something again?”

“nah. i got better.”

“oh. okay then.”

Po unties him and leads him to the kitchen, before dumping a bowl of dumpling in front of him and being promptly pushed out of the room.

“what the fuck,” says Tigress, with feelings

“what? i haven’t done anything wrong!”

“why are you doing this?”

he gestures toward the door by which po left silently. apparently, that’s an argument.

Crane sighs, suddenly very tired.

“he kicked your ass and now you want to marry him?”

a nod.

“cats, i swear.”