#big monsters i have been running away from all game? time to get rekt

[stealthnoodle]

Let's Play Tears of the Kingdom: Boner Squad v. Boner Squad

Once again, we are in real spoiler territory! I am for sure in the run-up to the final boss now. Who knows when I'll get around to it, though, when there's so much fucking around to be done first.

I saw a Gloom Hands monstrosity arise before me on the road and thought, eh, I can take it. And I did! It scared the shit out of me by summoning Phantom Ganon when it died, but he was kind of a pushover, actually? And I got this cool bow and a cool sword that will hurt me if I use it! Fun!

Not so tough with only two hands, are ya?

The game wants me to go to Hyrule Castle anyway, so I'm following up the last Hateno Village quest to look for the armor Zelda hid in the throne room. …And it's a shirt. Whomp-whomp.

I appreciate the thought and all, Zelda, but wearing a full-coverage shirt would mean looking way less fabulous on this pole:

Might as well do plot while I'm here.

Oops didn't mean to get into a Ganon fight

Lol Phantom Ganon. I kicked your ass already, you dumb—uh oh there's several of you

Why does Ganon get his own Boner Squad? I CALL FOUL

Also it took me longer than it should have to realize I could stop the Gloom flooding the room by smacking the Gloom-generatering Ganon. In related news, who taught these bitches tactics??? It is very rude to hit me while I'm trying to hit your caster!

The good news is that the boners behind the Boner Squad have arrived on the scene! The bad news is the apocalypse, I guess.

I thought I was so cool having one Gloom Sword and one Gloom Bow. Now I am welding half a dozen of them to the other shit in my inventory just to avoid leaving them on the floor.

Sidon confirmed for knowing how to count:

I want the game to let me volunteer that I found a Spirit Temple ages ago while mapping out the entire underground. …Aww, damn, they want to find the sage first. Whomp-whomp.

First I'm going monster-hunting, which includes finally facing my fears and going after a gleeok.

Local genderfluid drag queen says YOU'RE WELCOME, HYRULE

Finally noticed the very obvious entrance to the Great Deku Tree and got my Fantastic Voyage on. Gloom Hands? Child's play.

!!! I FINALLY FOUND THE BACKLESS DRESS

One quick trip to the dye shop shop and now I have TWO shirts I'm willing to wear:

I also crammed so many bubbel gems down Koltin's gullet that he ran out of prizes for me and was like, "What if you found every other bubbel gem in the world? I'm sensing 101 of them." Hahahahahaha NO. That would be my Cruella de Vil origin story

Oh man I was so salty about having to wear different clothes to progress the plot but then it turned out the shirt is slutty enough that I'm adding it to my tops rotation:

(Not to be confused with Link's other tops rotation, which is a much more extensive list HEY-O)

Mineru! My girl uploaded her brain into the fantasy cloud or something, idk, I am just VERY excited to be assembling a body for her. Don't worry, babe, I will definitely make you something dignified and not strap a shop-vac to a giant rubber ducky with flamethrower nipples or anything else suspiciously specific!

Oh, it's with predetermined parts. Well played, Mineru.

MECH TIME

MECH FIGHT MECH FIGHT

Ow I'm bad at mech fighting

Etiquette question: is it weird to shake your new girlfriend's hand with her dead brother's arm? Does the answer change if it's not for a TikTok prank?

The incredible wish fulfillment of the hot nerd girl who lives in your phone manifesting before you as a giant robot. Chef's kiss. No notes. To me, this is yuri.

Anyway, welcome to the Boner Squad, babe, sorry about everyone you ever loved dying!

[luffyasksandanswers]

// “hi, I’m not from the US” ask set ALL OF THEM YOU COWARD. ALL OF THEM. YOU REBLOGGED THAT MEME NOW COMMIT. GIVE ME MY STALKER KNOWLEDGE. GIMME. OR MEET ME IN THE PIT.

“hi, i’m not from the us” meme - @fearllacy //Bruh, you curious George xD! But dare is a dare and me not want to the coconut pit D: so here we go!

1. favourite place in your country?

Summer cottage, a place to escape the hectic city life *thumbs up*

2. do you prefer spending your holidays in your country or travel abroad?

Toss me with a shoe because of my unecological thinking but I do like to see new places and cultures  so whenever there is a chance, I try to travel abroad. 

3. does your country have access to sea?

We are the land of thousand lakes buuut we also have sea around us, a lot in the south! so we can escape to Estonia xD 

4. favourite dish specific for your country?

Praised Karelian Pasty and Kalakukko here! otherwise our food is pretty much either stolen from Sweden or colorless/tasteless xD 

5. favourite song in your native language?

Me revealed some of them hier :>

6. most hated song in your native language?

Spent the yesterday browsing around Youtube xD and results are täällä

7. three words from your native language that you like the most?

Wow, this is a thing I’ve never thought about it so this should be something to be asked from my mates because they know better which words I repeat nonstop *laughs*  Hey, how about teaching you fellow buddies a few Finnish words?

- Juoksentelisinkohan?  (=I wonder if I should run around aimlessly?)Never heard anyone say this but I think it’s very amusing word in general xD 

- Lohikäärme = dragon Simply put so but if you write “lohi” and “käärme” separated, you get salmon and snake. In other words the translation could also be salmonsnake,kinda makes sense, kinda doesn’t *laughs*

- Pöpelikkö

= ThicketRarely used word for a forest/growth that is hard to walk through, maybe in spoken language means more like “in middle of nowhere” or at least that’s how I use that word ::D  

Bonus: lentokonesuihkuturbiinimoottoriapumekaanikkoaliupseerioppilasThe longest officially approved finnish word monster. In english it would beAeroplaneshowerturbinemotorhelpmechanicnoncommissionedofficerstudent. 

8. do you get confused with other nationalities? if so, which ones and by whom?

I probably told this before but I’m not a bloodline finn, my biological roots are in China (but I’ve spent practically my whole life here so my soul is very suomi perkele saunaan ja torille xD). As imaginable, this causes awkward situations because people get misunderstood or assume things right away but well whoopsies happpen as long as no one makes a number about it, it’s all ok ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

9. which of your neighbouring countries would you like to visit most/know best?

Revealed #lifegoals här!

10. most enjoyable swear word in your native language?

Maybe the most heard sweard word is the finnish version of F-word  [x]Frankly spoken I don’t like or use it because it’s like the C-word and dunno, sounds weird when people love to repeat loudly a word that literally means woman’s genitals :D Nah my favorite swearword is “Perkele” because when you are angry you can feel the power in the R-letter.  But I actually use “Helvetti” (=hell) the most, no idea how it happened but anyway, if it’s not “PERRRKELE” then it’s “EI HELVETTI” *laughs* last time I swear like mad was when I had to assemble a furniture at work xD

11. favourite native writer/poet?

Tove Jansson adoration here :>

12. what do you think about English translations 

I have to admit I’m not familiar with translated literacy D: wait no I lied! I’ve read 2 Moomin books in english but don’t remember paying attention to the translation, only thing that was confusing first was the names in english because there wasn’t any expalanations to the names of the (random) side characters xD

13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders?

We finns love icy waters but we have another tradition that is a dank meme. I mean TORILLE!! which basically means finns rush to the local market places if we win hockey championships or are good in any other sports. I think it’s a global jokebut yeah finns are trash for getting national recognision. Just mention us anywhere outside the borders and transmit that info to Finland and you can hear and see people hyping it like mad and I am not sure if other countries do this too in such extreme ways xD  

14. do you enjoy your country’s cinema and/or TV?

One thing that makes watching the finnish tv boring is that they literallt recycle the celebrities which means same faces in almost every fame teledrama or shows and practically everywhere you go or channel surf, you’ll see them and then even tabloids need to write nonstop about their slighest moves.  It is good to be ecological but if there is an actor that needs to shove their face everywhere no matter what and they try to keep their fame in every way, it just doesn’t work plus this might be stereotyping but in those “finnish versions” of big shows, finns are somewhat stiff and don’t go like “yeehaw WOHOO \o/” the same way like in the original shows  so it sometimes looks like they try too hard to be like the original or they are just “forced” to be superhyper. 

Another reason I don’t watch much finnish series is that the articulating is bad or then there is something wrong with the audio or it’s just my bad hearing but the actors tend to speak very very quietly so you have to put volume on if you want to hear anything on the telly and then your ears get rekt and wasted because when the commercials (which are louder than the normal speech) comes, the sound is even louder [x] just like when you open your computer and forgot the volume is at maximum and whe Windows start music suddenly appears. 

I bet there are good finnish movies too that are high quality and I personally enjoy the game shows (quiz like thingies) but in general, nah :p 15. a saying, joke, or hermetic meme that only people from your country will get?

Another thing outsiders maybe don’t understand but finns love to queue and freebies and an ultimate example is that usually if a new shop opens up, people can start to queue a long before the grand opening. Funniest thing is that free buckets are the most queued thing and why not because they are useful xD

16. which stereotype about your country you hate the most and which one you somewhat agree with?

Maybe my favorite finnish stereotype is that finns love personal space [x] It is a national joke that if there is a bus stop, finns don’t stand next to each other (well in the capital and big cities maybe) but they have at least 2 meters distance xD 

17. are you interested in your country’s history?

Frankly spoken nah, I mean I liked to hear my grandparents’ stories about the life when they were younger and how my both grandfathers had to see the wars but in general nah, because well we’ve been owned by Swedes and Russians and had a civil war.  

18. do you speak with a dialect of your native language?

I’m originally from the Eastern Finland that has its dialect  and people distinguish it easily. Especially now that I’ve lived outside my hometown during studies and work, people tell that they hear strong dialect although I only use it in the person pronouns *eyes emoji*

19. do you like your country’s flag and/or emblem? what about the national anthem?

Blue is a nice color so thumbs up for that! Well can’t say I’m a fanatic finn but of course it sounds nice to hear the anthem on telly [x]

20. which sport is The Sport in your country?

Hockey is probably where Finland is the most successful but we also like football (duh, everyone likes) but we suck at that so bye FIFA dreams xD you know about that Phil because I ranted about it last summer XD

21. if you could send two things from your country into space, what would they be?

SALMIAKKI and that free bucket *laughs* 

22. what makes you proud about your country? what makes you ashamed?

There are many things very well in Finland, like everyone gets a free basic education and natural disasters such as earthquakes are very rare so it’s quite safe. 

What am I ashamed of? Well frankly spoken we are way too soft on criminals in my opinion so our country should fix the law system so that the criminals would get rougher and longer punishments for rough crimes. 

23. which alcoholic beverage is the favoured one in your country?

I think beers, wines and long drinks are in now? 

24. what other nation is joked about most often in your country?

Sweden! It’s a common joke that we are so jealous of Swedes being better people and succeeding in everything and of course in our jokes swedes are the dummies. I think Scandinavian countries do that about each other like Finland vs Sweden, Iceland vs Denmark and Sweden vs Norway *laughs*

25. would you like to come from another place, be born in another country?

But I am born in another country xD Nah no, I wouldn’t change a thingblue eyes would be cool but finns tend to burn in the sun and I enjoy the summer I’m happy like this :p 26. does your nationality get portrayed in Hollywood/American media? what do you think about the portrayal?

The latest news about Finland in American media must’ve been that when Trump misunderstood the forest defense thing and said something like Finns are so diligent they rake their forest floors [x] but the truth is that we don’t because our climate is different. Of course we have forest fires too but they are much much smaller than in California. 

27. favourite national celebrity?

I fangirled Antti holma here, he handsome, he funny, he has a podcast  :> 

28. does your country have a lot of lakes, mountains, rivers? do you have favourites?I think a couple of mountains exsist [x] but more rivers and thousands of lakes! I like the lakes, since I’ve spent most of my summers at our summer cottage near the lake. Actually never been in the north but I’d love to go on a roadtrip someday to see them!

29. does your region/city have a beef with another place in your country?

We beat Sweden and Russia so no one shall mess with our smol country! :p

Fun fact: There is a guy named Simo Häyhä, a sniper who is said to be killed more than 505 men during the 1939–40 Winter War [x]

30. do you have people of different nationalities in your family?

We have a multicultural family tree, relatives from France, Germany, Sweden, Japan and so on :)! 

[crowned-ladybug]

A Little Bit Sweet

How the fuck does one make up titles when there’s no fucking plot?

Anyone remember the fic I said I’d post like a week ago but never got around to? Yeah. It’s this one. Nothing special at all as well, just plotless bullshit. But at least it’s Something

Characters: Marvin, Jackie

Word count: 1.3k

Warnings: none. Marvelsepticeye.

“You’re horrible at this.”

“Just because I’m not doing it like you would, it doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong.”

“You keep wasting your turns!”

“I’m no-”

“You’re gonna die again.”

“Oh, just shut up.”

“Fine.”

Jackie laughs at Marvin’s comical attempts at appearing mad, but he averts his eyes from the pokémon game he’s playing and decides to play along. He leans more into Marvin, who’s sitting behind him, legs on either side and arms wrapped around him, and nuzzles his head back against his shoulder. He laughs again when Marvin huffs in protest.

“There’s no need to be like that,” Jackie starts, grinning when Marvin turns his head away. “Aw, come on, babe,” he coos sweetly, and Marvin groans. “I’ll let you name the next one I catch, if you’d like.”

Marvin turns his head to look at him again, trying his best to look stern and resentful. But it’s really hard, with Jackie smiling up at him like that and lying in his arms, so warm and cosy and lovely. “Stop trying to bribe me, asshole.”

Jackie snorts and then bumps their foreheads together. He laughs again quietly when Marvin nuzzles his nose against his, his mock offended expression melting into a loving smile. He squeezes Jackie closer again with a sigh, his eyes slipping shut as he rests his forehead against his.

“Do you even need to be bribed?” Jackie teases, not like he has any complaints.

Marvin considers moving on to just cuddling peacefully again and busying himself with pressing kisses into Jackie’s neck, but that comment makes him decide against it. So instead he pulls back and does his best to stare Jackie down - which is admittedly very hard to do when the person you’re trying to stare down is looking at you like you’re their whole world.

“You seem to be forgetting that I’m a powerful magician, and I could easily destroy you and everything you love,” he makes his voice as serious as he possibly can, but it’s met with deaf ears apparently. Jackie turns back to his game halfway through the sentence, awfully comfortable and content and not at all intimidated. He seems a lot more interested in just making his character run circles in the long grass, looking for pokémon.

“Not when everything I love very much includes you,” Jackie hums without looking up, voice soft despite the teasing tone to it.

Marvin can’t help but smile at that. He chuckles a little and presses his nose into Jackie’s hair, planting a kiss onto his head. “Oh no,” he says in a voice that holds no distress at all. “You have found my one weakness.”

“And what would that be?”

Eyes shut and a soft smile on his lips, Marvin hums contently. “You.”

Jackie snorts, and then laughs properly. His shoulders and chest shake with it, and it only makes Marvin smile more. He’s so in love with this big, lanky idiot, who appreciates his shitty humour and puts too much emphasis on status moves in pokémon.

“Wow, I thought I was the one with the cheesy shit,” Jackie teases, laughter finally calming.

“Oh, don’t worry, I do definitely blame you entirely.”

Jackie shakes his head, nuzzling back against Marvin again. “Nah, I’m pretty sure that was some original, patented Marvin the Magnolia stuff right there. I have nothing to do with that.”

“Magnolia? Really? That’s the best you could do?” Marvin shoots back, sounding unimpressed, but then he shrugs and nonchalantly presses another kiss to Jackie’s head. “Well, the inspiration did come from you…”

Jackie finally gets into another battle (and he did win the one Marvin said he would lose, just for the record), and to Marvin’s relief uses an actual attack in the first turn. He doesn’t look away from the screen as he responds. “Oh, am I your muse now?”

“Hmm, I mean,” he presses his cheek against the side of Jackie’s head and watches him play with one eye closed. “I do try drawing you a lot. Emphasis on try, but y’know...the intentions are there.”

“Stop talking shit about yourself or I’m gonna punch you,” Jackie warns, waving a finger in the air for emphasis. Then he curses under his breath when he accidentally uses the wrong move and the game kindly infroms him that it didn’t do shit. “You’re ‘not very effective’.”

Marvin presses another kiss into Jackie’s hair, trying his best not to laugh. “Yeah, you tell ‘em, babe,” he mumbles. He finally starts laughing when Jackie tries to jab him with his shoulder, grumbling at him to shut up.

“Stop it,” Jackie whines when Marvin just won’t stop giggling into his hair. He cranes his neck, pushing Marvin’s head away and looking at him accusingly. “Stop laughing at my pain, you absolute monster.”

“Wow, I’m just not allowed to have any fun, huh?”

“Of course you’re not, what did you think?” Jackie deadpans, and it takes all his willpower not to smile like an idiot when Marvin snorts at that. “Your only purpose here is to be my personal pillow, not to enjoy yourself or some shit. Jesus.”

Marvin doesn’t stop laughing, even as he watches Jackie roll his eyes at him disapprovingly. His serious expression melts into a soft smile fairly quickly anyway. And when Marvin shakes his head at him fondly, he gives him a wide, proud grin that makes his eyes squint into thin lines.

“What, you don’t like my joke?”

“You’re such an asshole.”

“Well,” Jackie says lazily, stopping to adjust his position a bit, making Marvin groan in protest when his elbow winds up getting in closer relationship with his ribs for a moment. “It’s usually you who’s being a shit. I gotta get you back for it sometimes,” he looks awfully proud of himself as he waits for Marvin’s response. But instead of a mock-offended or witty remark like he expects, Marvin’s response is to sneak a hand under his shirt and fuck, that’s really cold. “Jesus fucking-...fuck! What are you...No, you stop that!”

Marvin giggles loudly at the absolutely wonderful reaction. He squeezes Jackie closer to himself, then finally withdraws his hand from under his shirt and even smooths out the fabric again afterwards.

“How the fuck are your hands so cold, what the fuck...” Jackie groans, neck twisted a little so that he can stare up at his boyfriend accusingly.

“Magic, duh.”

“That’s cheating.”

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that,” Marvin hums, voice teasing and confident, but without much bite to it. He raises an eyebrow when he realises Jackie is still staring at him angrily. “Don’t you have a game to play?”

Jackie just huffs in response and turns back to his game he’d left off mid-battle. Marvin chuckles at him fondly and watches him do his thing over his shoulder again. One of his hands idly draws little patterns into Jackie’s stomach through his shirt, luckily without magically making his hand cold this time. He’s convinced peace has been restored that easily.

“You know what? When I get my groudon, I’m naming it after you,” Jackie comments offhandedly once the wild pokémon he’d been fighting faints and he moves on with his game. He feels Marvin pressing a kiss against his temple, and he tilts his head his way just a bit as if asking for another. Marvin laughs at him, but gives him another kiss.

“Why?”

Jackie grins. “Because it’s big, grumpy, and sleeps for hundreds of years.”

Marvin throws his head back and laughs loudly. Jackie can feel his chest heaving with it against his back, and it makes him really happy for some reason. “Wow, I thought it was gonna be nice.”

“Well,” Jackie says, resuming his game like nothing ever happened. “Get rekt, nerd.”

“Says the one with the glasses and flannels.”

“Jesus, do you ever shut up?”

[potatoesandsunshine]

me? make a really long write up summarizing our dnd game tonight? yes. under the cut because this is long but writing it out now will help me make sense of my notes for next week :)

ok for those of you who didn’t read my last long rambling post about my new paladin, her name is beatrice (bee) and she’s a vengeance paladin without a god and with a burning rage in her heart that will not die anyway anyway we just finished playing

we were down in The Tunnels, we (bee and roswell, purple half-orc fighter, my bro, later this game found out he’s big into honey in his tea) met up with jaquey (hot pink tiefling swashbuckler, later this game found out she’s an amnesiac) and eventually found all the missing people from the town

we were making our way towards a source of dim light when!!! a monster!! made of the bodies of people who lived at the creepy estate (who we recognized because we’d seen a big family portrait, the daughter said they were just “away visiting relatives” ok..... so that was a fucking lie) found us. very scary. you know what was scarier? the way it was immune to non-magical attacks and we had my two smites between all three of us to do any damage. i was able to use my fighting style (protection) to make sure roswell didn’t take a hit, but i was subsequently hit with one blow for 14 of my 29 total hp. big ouch.

so then we started running, jaquey first bc of her initiative (this will have Narrative Weight later) and fast bc she’s a rogue, roswell but he took a disengage action so only got 30 feet, and me who decided to dash. lucky for me opportunity attack missed bc i was at 15.

tried to stop it w/ abjure enemy, that did not work, so it was right on our heels. caught up with roswell first and my dm rolled a 19 on the first attack and a nat20 on the second... oh my god and he was 30 feet back so we couldn’t do anything. so roswell went down. important to note that none of us remembered relentless endurance exists so he was like, dying. failed his death save too because it was his turn next and he got a 7 including bless... roswell!!!

i’m 30 feet away doing a mental calculus because i will die if i go back there but my character would not abandon her friend when i got a healing word from the very exhausted low-level cleric that was with the missing people. so then i’m at 19 hp and i’m like well i am going back. so my plan is 1) get over there 2) get him back up 3) i guess get us back to the group? at this point jaquey’s figured out that the light was coming from a trapdoor in the ceiling and has started shooting at it with her pistol so we’re all kinda like “yeah, we need to get out”

step one accomplished easily, step two i give him 1 point from my healing pool because we’re gonna need my last seven. then we can’t do shit. but it was big code blue, bzzt, heartbeat again stuff. really cool :)

step three was a Problem, because then the monster punched me so hard in the head i did get knocked out right away. RIP bee. so roswell comes awake just in time to see me get just rekt and the attack on him misses. then he picks bee up and starts running both of us back to the group, where the cleric does a little cure wounds and brings me to 8

anyway jaquey gets out first, then bee makes it out and we all do strength checks to help get the npcs out before the monster definitely kills us all. everybody gets out but roswell. he’s down there with 1 hp. he’s gonna go down. the first attack misses but the second one hits and we’re all like no!!!!! but then he remembered relentless endurance!!! and it kicked in and i rolled a 22 strength to help him get up :) that’s my friend!!!

we get upstairs in a combo blood sacrifice/storage room and make some rice (tragically unseasoned but better than the raw rat the missing people had been having) and do a nice short rest, then we burst upstairs to get a surprise round on the daughter and just absolutely slice and dice this wizard lady. but after the surprise jaquey wanted some answers (this is when we find out she has no memory) and bee is like “if you do anything. look at me wizard. if you do anything i will kill u” and then of course the wizard escaped :( so bee was like wtf this sucks and left the room to brood

bee burns the portrait of the family, finds a scary painting behind it on the wood paneling and takes her sword to the wall then burns that too, she’s having a Day. we didn’t kill the monster and we didn’t kill the monster, it feels like a hollow (important!! that we saved those people!!) victory to her. also very temporary. then we had this great rp drinking tea roswell found in the kitchen where jaquey came downstairs like “so what are we doing next? :)”

and then bee said some cool shit that wasn’t exactly this but it was like “in the few hours i’ve known you, you ran away from a fight that killed us both, climbed out of the tunnels without reaching back for anyone (this part wasn’t all the way true but none of it really was she was angry), and let the evil woman escape. Would you consider us friends?” and then they had a back and forth that was like “no, but we have a bond now” and discussed their views on justice and bee was like “listen. i know it’s not your fault cynthia could teleport. but next time-” “next time? next time! there’s a next time!” “-we don’t stop to question the kidnapping experimenting wizard” so now they are grudging acquaintances who are adventuring together and bee is like maybe two hours from remembering that she likes jacquey and thinks she’s cool and that it seems like the world has been pretty unfair to her 

basically it was everything i could want and discord mostly worked and now i spend like 20 min typing a post nobody asked for but the vibes were perfect :)