#big mama harper valley

[seventeenpins]

west

prologue

pairing: Joel Miller x nb!character

word count: 2.7k

genre: period western/horror

summary: Dakota Territory, 1879. Joel Miller, a widower, lives on the outskirts of Deadwood with his brother and daughter. After travelling north from Texas two years earlier, they've put down roots in the community. Tommy came for the gold rush, and Joel came to keep an eye on Tommy. The end of the world arrives piece by piece, and then all at once.

warnings: glaring historical inaccuracies, canon typical violence, allusions to a suicide attempt, essentially just the opening of the show/game but set in 1879 with some bits adjusted, the horrors of being a person in the 1800s, nb love interest is essentially a reader self-insert but is named (tho won't appear till the next chapter), it will be a slowwwww burn.

a/n: Ok, a funny thing that didn't come up in my research till I was ninety percent thru the outline and halfway thru the chapter but had independently decided on 1879 as the setting -- Deadwood actually burned down on September 26, 1879. Figured it was serendipitous. Happy Birthday, Joel! 🫠

The day the world ended, the sun rose bright across the valley. Autumn was just starting to emerge and dust motes appeared suspended in the bright sunbeams, forested wilderness surrounding the town of Deadwood. The leaves weren't changed, not fully, but here and there you could find a red tree amongst the green ones, and you knew they'd follow soon.

Joel was exhausted. His head ached. His bones ached. He could already feel the stiffness in his muscles from yesterday's work, and today would be no better.

The first few cries of the rooster hadn't done so much as stir him, but now as morning truly broke, he could smell mouth-watering aromas wafting up from below, heard the bustling in his kitchen and his belly rumbled, waking him up right quick.

He scrunched his face up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and went over to the basin to splash cool water on his face. He stared at his reflection in his glass. Another year older. Another strand of silver in his hair. Thirty six. He'd made it to thirty six.

He pulled a shirt from his drawer and frowned. It was soft, cotton, and one of his favorites, but he was sure this one was torn at the shoulder, left to waste away in the oft forgotten mending basket. He shook it out and peered at it–sure enough, it had been torn, but now it was mended with fine, careful stitches.

Sarah. It must've been.

That girl was busy herself, but it warmed him, that she'd taken the time to mend her old pa's shirts without him ever having to ask.

He dresses quickly, tucking in his mended shirt, buttoning his trousers, adjusting his suspenders. He wasn't a vain man, but he takes pride in his work, and his mama always told him "It ain't about vanity, Joel. You take yourself and your appearance serious, others will too."

He grew up with little, but his mama was an accomplished seamstress. Her mending was impeccable, and any time she found a discarded bit of fabric, she'd bring it back to life and make it twice as pretty as she found it. Joel reckoned she was the best dressed woman in all of Texas. She collected issues of Good Housekeeping and Harper's, taking account of all the latest fashions. She built corsets and cages and all the ladies would flock to her to do them up just as pretty.

Joel combed back his hair. Stared in the mirror for just a moment longer, lost in his memories. Nodded, and stepped downstairs.

"Pa!" Sarah grinned at him as he entered the kitchen, "Lookin' mighty fine this morning."

She pulled him in and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Thank you, baby girl," he grinned back, "You makin' us breakfast?"

"Yep!" She nods, and hands him a plate. Drop biscuits, a little burnt, swimming in gravy, a cup of wild berries on the side, and a hot cup of coffee.

He took a deep breath, inhaling the spiraling tendrils of coffee vapour and let out a delighted hum. "You spoil me, kiddo."

"'Course," she nodded, and took a big bite of her own biscuit.

"Uncle Tommy home?" Joel asked, and Sarah shook her head, a couple of biscuit crumbs scattering around her, "Nah, he went out early today. Said he wanted to get done with his work early so he can celebrate your birthday."

Joel raised an eyebrow. "Celebrate my birthday?" he scoffs, "Stop by the saloon or lose all his money at cards and still make it on time to dinner is more like it."

He took one last gulp of his coffee and placed the mug down.

"We'll have a nice night," Sarah assured him, "An' I told Uncle Tommy he best be here in time for supper or else. And I'm makin' you a cake."

"Okay, baby. You'd best be off to school, now. I'll get these dishes taken care of."

"You sure?" She asked.

"Positive."

Sarah nodded, pulled off her apron, tossed a few of her favorite books in her satchel and tore out the door.

Joel went off for his work. Only two years they'd been in the Black Hills, Joel, Sarah and Tommy, but they'd made a nice little home. They came up after Sarah's mama passed, and Tommy heard about the gold rush. He insisted it was all because of the rush he wanted to come, but Sarah always suspected he came because he knew Joel would follow, and her pa needed a change of scenery. He'd almost faded into a ghost himself, sitting round their empty old house, nearly lost in memories. Grief had a way of consuming him.

So they'd traveled North, left Texas behind for good, and made a new life for themselves.

The schoolhouse had been around since before the Millers arrived in Deadwood, but there hadn't been a teacher till Spring of this year. Joel was glad Sarah finally had a chance for a proper education. Smart as a whip, that one, and hungry for knowledge. He couldn't wait to see what she was gonna do.

There weren't a lot of kids, or even that many women in the community outside of the brothels, but the Millers had established themselves. Tommy was something of a wild card, getting into bar fights more often than Joel would prefer, but he'd never gotten on the wrong side of a quick draw, and he had enough charm he managed to get out of most of the trouble he found himself in. And Joel–Joel was reliable. Whether he was fixing someone's step, or making sure to haul that extra meat back after a hunt to ensure one of Sarah's friends would have enough to eat, he could be depended on.

The day the world ended, Joel saddled up Delphine, his dapple grey, and mounted her, tools packed neatly in her panniers. Today, he'd be working on repairs at the general store. They rode from their home at the outskirts towards town.

As he approached, he slowed to a walk. Something felt off, like there was a tension about to snap. But no one was bleeding, and some days on the frontier that felt like a high enough bar to clear.

Along Main Street, he could hear strained voices.

"The telegraphs stopped coming-" He heard one man say.

"Problem with the wire?" Another asked.

The first man shook his head. "Naw, had some of my guys inspect it. Everything should be workin'. It just- it ain't."

"How long's it been going on?"

"Been five days now. Never seen it like this before."

"Ain't seen any coaches for weeks now, too. It's like the route just stopped altogether. Don't know how to get word to my folks back east about the new baby if we've got no mail and no telegraphs."

The day the world ended, Joel made it home by sunset, just in time to find Sarah plating up their dinner.

"Good day?" She asked, and he nodded.

"Yeah, got lots done. Next time you go by the general store, you'll see a door that swings smoothly on its hinges and brand new windowpanes."

"That's great, Pa!" she smiled. It warmed her to see his pride in his work.

"Uncle Tommy home yet?" Joel asked.

"No," Sarah frowned, "Thought he'd be back a couple hours ago, too. Guess you're right."

"Reckon he's lost track of time. Though- Huh, I didn't see him at the saloon when I rode by."

"There's always the cathouse?" Sarah suggested, and Joel snorted and shook his head. It wasn't an impossibility.

"Well-," Sarah paused, "There'll be cake waiting for him, but at least have your supper before it gets cold."

"Thank you baby," Joel smiled, took his plate from her, and dug in.

The night felt heavy, something in the atmosphere pressing like a weight through the world. All the food was eaten (besides a small plate left for Tommy) and the cake was cut, when the gunshots started outside.

Sarah started and Joel bolted upright, swinging around to grab the rifle by the door without a second thought.

"What's happening?" she asked.

Joel shook his head, crouching down by the window, pushing the curtains aside and peering through.

"I don't know, baby. Just stay calm, stay low. We're gonna be okay."

There was no one directly outside, but the gunshots continued, and the more Joel stared, the more he could see smoke rising from town.

"Looks like a fire," he told her, "Don't know what the shootin's about, though. And–" His eyes narrowed, heartbeat pounded. "We gotta block the door, baby, there's someone coming."

"Is it Uncle Tommy?" She asked, eyes wide and voice small.

"No, I don't think–" Joel had grabbed the heavy mahogany table by the legs and started tugging, but did a double take out the window. "Wait, you're right!"

It was Tommy, galloping towards their home on a mount Joel didn't recognize. Before Tommy was even a hundred feet away, Joel could hear him call out his name.

"Joel!" Tommy bellowed, "We gotta get outta here!"

Joel swung the door open and Tommy stumbled in.

"Somethin's happening," he wheezed, breaths coming quickly, panic etched across his face, running to the cabinet and filling his pack with ammo. A knife. Another revolver. "We gotta pack up anythin' we can't afford to lose. The town's on fire. There are these people, fuck, Joel, it's like they're the Devil's got 'em."

"Like the Devil's got 'em?" Joel asked, pulling two bags from pegs by the door. "The fuck you mean? You been on the shine again?" He turned to Sarah. "Start packin', baby. Clothes, medicine. Cash, too, you know the drawer?"

She nodded and ran upstairs, and Joel turned back to Tommy, fumbling through papers and photos, knowing he had no time for sentiment but couldn't bear to leave without trying to think of everything.

"They're fuckin' possessed," Tommy explained, "Won't listen to reason. It's a fuckin' mess in town. A few coaches came through today and there were men on it raving, saying some kinda devilry was coming through. They seemed crazy, so we just laughed. Didn't think much of it."

He shook his head and ran a palm down his face. That's when Joel noticed the blood on his sleeve.

"Jesus," Joel said, "You hurt?"

Tommy shook his head, confused, and then looked where Joel was looking and exhaled. "Naw," he exhaled, "That blood ain't mine."

"So what happened?"

"Well," Tommy continued, "An hour or so later we heard screaming. Turns out a couple folks who'd come in by train from down South a day or so ago, who weren't feelin' all that well, they'd been to the doctor and went crazy. Started twitchin'. Bitin'. Proper bitin' people. They got these things in their mouths, these weird fuckin' tendrils-"

Joel stared at him, a muscle in his jaw tensing.

"I know it sounds crazy, Joel, but something bad is fuckin' happening. Don't know what it is. All I know is people are tearing each other up. And we gotta get outta here."

Joel was silent a minute and then nodded, solemn.

"Okay." He took a deep breath. "We're gonna get outta here."

"We are," Tommy agreed, "But we both know the only way out is through town, and it's a shit show right now."

"Fuck," Joel hissed and looked out the window again, "Looks like the whole town is on fire."

"It is," Tommy nodded, "But we can avoid Main Street. Go to the outside, and around to the thoroughfare."

"Fine." Then Joel called upstairs, "We gotta go, baby!"

Sarah re-emerged, two bags packed full. "I got clothes for both of us. Money. Few other things."

"Thank you, baby."

They saddled up their horses, Tommy on his stolen mare, Joel and Sarah on Delphine.

Joel hated this, hated that they had to pass through town to pass by Deadwood and across into the Black Hills, but they were at the edge of the gulch. No way to go but through.

Before they rode, Joel cupped the back of Sarah's head with one hand, closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He nearly didn't, worried her pa would be embarrassing her. But he did. For the rest of his life, he was always glad that he did.

As they rode through flames, they saw the foundations of the place they called home begin to crumble. It was chaos. It was worse than Joel ever could have imagined. The town was engulfed in madness, men eating one another toppled over onto the dusty ground. Smoke choked them and made their eyes water as they rode through with cloths pressed to their mouths, trying to avoid the worst of it. There were a few folks who had built barricades and stood beyond them, guns aimed, trying to take down the most violent of the possessed. It was horrifying, their friends, colleagues, and neighbors engaged in a fight to the death. It was wrong wrong wrong and by God it was the end of the world.

They saw the younger Adlers torn to pieces, and the elder running on all fours as she tried to rip apart someone else.

"Hold onto me, baby," Joel said, pulling her in in an attempt to shield her from the bodies. She'd already gotten a glimpse and couldn't help but stare, and she stared for a moment before she felt nauseous. Then, she screwed up her eyes and held on tight.

They saw Jimmy's place in flames. The baker's. The saloon. There were women running from the brothel, still rouged and bright as they aimed their guns at the monsters around them.

Through side paths and shortcuts, down alleyways and in the gaps between houses, they rode desperately through Deadwood. The buildings Joel had helped erect and the repairs he'd completed in the past few years had given him an intricate knowledge of the settlement. They rode fast and sure, evading the devils that clutched at the air, reaching for their ankles as they rode by.

Makeshift barricades had been put up all along the outskirts of town. Each way they turned, there was no way through. They rode back and forth, crisscrossing the streets as they tried their best to pull away from the writhing bodies in the dirt.

It wasn't till they passed the very last buildings down Main Street, right by the edge of town, that they slowed.

The sheriff lay dead, a bullet right between his eyes, bleeding out on the dusty street corner. A circuit rider loomed ahead of him on his mount, hands resting on his shotgun that, slung over his shoulder. Blood drenched his forearms, spattered against his coat, so soaked it shone visible even against the heavy wool. There was a fear in his eyes, a terror that unsettled them.

When he saw the Millers, he straightened and raised the weapon.

"Preacher, let us through," Tommy said, and the homilist darted his eyes between the men.

"Can't let anyone past," the man said, "This here's the reckoning. No one's gonna escape the inevitable."

Tommy raised his revolver. "I ain't askin' again. Let us through."

The preacher steadied his shaking hands and aimed his shotgun "But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up-"

It's hard to say who fired first.

In a split second, two gunshots rang out, fragmented echos of one another. The preacher fell. So did Joel and Sarah.

The bullet grazed through Joel's side, and he clutched at his abdomen, holding the wound.

"Joel-!" Tommy cried as he flung himself from his mount, the preacher dead and already forgotten.

Joel rolled over and crawled towards where Sarah lay. The bullet that had gone through Joel pierced her belly and she shook, blood spurting and pooling from the wound.

He tried to apply pressure, tried to slow the bleeding, but her screams and sobs stilled him.

"I'm sorry, baby," he cried, and she shook, eyes darting around, trying to focus and failing.

"Pa-," she croaked.

"It's okay, baby girl," he lied, "You're gonna be okay."

She exhaled in a final gurgling puff, blood spattering across her perfect face, and Joel howled.

She was gone, he knew it, but still he cradled her.

Tommy stroked her hair and wiped the blood off her cheek. Joel pressed his head to her chest and wept, horrible strangled heaves caught in each exhale.

The day the world ended, Joel's world ended, too.

They carried her body with them for miles, Joel holding her close even as he felt her begin to cool and stiffen. Time escaped them as they rode, and around sunrise, they found a creek with wildflowers blanketing the banks. A small herd of pronghorns leaped along the water.

Tommy dug a hole and Joel told her stories, rocking her back and forth in his arms. All the ones he could remember, that she loved so much when she was little. Told her to rest easy now, baby.

They lowered her into the ground, and Joel wept. Tommy assembled a small cairn at the head of her grave. Joel looked down at his mended shirt and realised it was ruined with blood. The last gift from his daughter, and he'd ruined it.

Joel embraced Tommy. Held his brother close and told him he loved him. Muttered something about needing a moment to himself and wandered off.

The day his world ended, Joel tried to follow her into the darkness. A gunshot rang out, echoing through the hills.

Tommy ran to the sound and found him, crumpled but very much alive. He held his big brother close, cloth pressed hard to his bleeding temple, brushing away his streaming tears as he cried himself, terrified to lose all of his remaining family in a single day.

The day the world ended, the last two Millers were covered in blood and filth and tears. All they had was each other, their horror and their fear.

[trashboatprince]

Super duper quick sketch of Big Mama Harper Valley and Lemon Water for those who missed these two.

Would have drawn them in puppet form, but... eh.

[rabbit-head-007]

Honey seems like the sweetest little cinnamon roll. No wait! Honey bun. 😄 What's her favorite joke/trick/prank she does when the kids come to the shop?

(Eyyy Honeybun, good one)!

Honey likes to theme a lot of her pranks and activities around whatever the current gossip in town is, and since the kids love playing cops and robbers so much her new favorite prank has been hiding behind the counter and surprising the kids by firing a cork gun at the bell above the door when they come in, before jumping up and revealing herself to be dressed as “Big Mama” Harper Valley, a famous gang leader in Showdown Valley

The kids can even take several props and costume pieces from a toy chest by the counter and dress up like various members from Big Mama’s gang. Lately they’ve invented a new game called “Catch the Red-Eye” where they take turns dressing like Red-Eye Rosario and get chased around like a reverse game of tag.

Honey’s found that hyping the kids up like this encourages them to buy candy and leave the store faster to go outside and play, which makes her day a lot easier and keeps the shop from getting damaged from their mischief. She’ll usually sit on the front shop steps (still in costume, because of course she would) to supervise them until another customer arrives.

Thank you @trashboatprince and @spaloonbabooguuscooties for letting me reference your OC’s, Big Mama and Red-Eye Rosario, respectively! 💫🍯💫

[foodieforthoughts]

Sand and Stars - Chapter One

Series Summary: After the water pump being blown up, the insurgents in Baqubah are taking a hold of the food supply to the village. Camp Warhorse is in dire need of reinforcements. It has been eight months of submitting countless requests when the High Command commissions Sergeant Olivia Ross to take her group of men and women and help Captain Syverson and his team to restore a semblance of normalcy. But with the war raging, does it get two hearts closer too?

Pairing: Syverson x OFC x OMC

Word Count: 1750

Warnings: 18+, foul language, some ogling, smut in future chapters

A/N: Thank you again to @thelastsock​ for being my beta. Written from Sy’s perspective and since I am a woman, venturing in the (not) so complex mind of a man. Enjoy!

<Prologue

Title: Chapter One

Syverson watched as everyone in the camp looked at the two Humvees entering through the gates inside the compound. The chopper came flying behind them, hovering over the area they had prepared for it to land.

With arms crossed over his chest, his signature sunglasses covering his eyes, he looked at the chopper, it’s skids gently being placed on the ground. The blast of air from it’s whirring blades, blew dust and sand for which he shielded his face with his hand. The group of soldiers alighted from their vehicles, their smoother than milk skin making Sy snort. Here they were, his Special Forces guys all scruffy and rough, whereas these new arrivals looked like school kids for a photo op.

When the chopper blades stopped spinning, and the pilots hopped down from their cockpit along with the others; Sy walked up to them. He watched as the main pilot spoke to the unit and pulled off their helmet. The swagger of his walk faltered a step when he noticed her lustrous red hair tied in a bun. It was not very often that lady soldiers came down to a warzone like this.

Instinctively, when he saw she was a woman, his eyes travelled to her bottom. Even with the armored vest and her fatigues, the beautiful curve of her body was highlighted when she bent down to lift her bag. She turned to speak to the other pilot, allowing Sy to finally look at her face. Big brown eyes framed by thick eyelashes were set on her heart-shaped face. Her high cheekbones were freckled, spreading to her nose, and her lips looked full and plump.

It was inconsiderate of the Captain to check out a woman in the middle of a raging war, but he had been high and dry for nearly a year. A man has his needs.

“Captain Syverson, sir?” The other pilot addressed him, he was a young man with the signature crew-cut hair and clean shaved like a boiled egg. His duffel bag laid heavily on his shoulder as he clasped the straps with one hand.

“All day,” Sy said, taking off his sunglasses and hooking it at the back of his t-shirt. “Are you Sergeant Ross?”

Sy’s eyes darted to the approaching men and women when he noticed her walking up to them. Soldier from before brought his hand for a handshake towards Sy which he took with a smile.

“I’m Sergeant Schmidt. She is,” he turned to the red-haired beauty, “Sergeant Ross.”

Sy did not want to come off rude or appear like a male chauvinist, but he wasn’t expecting a woman to be commanding a unit. He raised his eyebrows in surprise which she seemed to catch on to.

“You are Sergeant Ross?” He asked, trying but failing to conceal his astonishment.

“All day,” she said with a smug smile, imitating him by repeating what he had said only a moment ago. “Sergeant Olivia Ross, sir.” She held her hand out, Sy’s eyes darting towards her gloved one. He took her hand in his, noting how hers looked small in his large ones, and gave a confident shake.

“Okay,” He cleared his throat looking at the group of twelve new soldiers at his camp, “We prepared a block for y’all.” He started walking towards the other smaller building besides the main wing. Their new arrivals followed behind him, lugging their bags on their shoulders.

“Keeping us separate, I see.” Olivia commented. Sy turned slightly to look behind him at her. She avoided his gaze, but her face looked unimpressed with her lips sealed tight.

Sy chose to not respond. They climbed up the flights of stairs leading up to the living quarters, bypassing their mess hall and a make-shift gym, and reached the doors to adjacent rooms.

“Guys go in there,” he pointed towards one room, “Ladies, over here.” He turned around to face the group. “Night patrols will be assigned, and I need a group to go with my boys to the village in fifteen minutes.” He folded his arms over his chest, looking directly at Olivia. “We need to get a briefing done.”

“I’ll be down in ten, sir.” she curtly nodded. Everyone seemed to understand her annoyance as they glanced at each other. Sy let out a slow breath, choosing to not address her, again.

When he was back in his office, he pulled out the Echo unit file. Pepps had informed him that women were going to be included in the arriving unit, what he had failed to mention though was that it would be led by a woman. A pretty woman with curves.

Syverson shook his head. He grimaced at his own thought. He was not there to ogle at women, he was there on a mission. He quickly read through the contents of the paper. Sergeant Ross, he gathered, was an enlisted soldier, got promoted to a corporal before she took Aviation course and earned herself a position of helicopter pilot. She got promoted to Sergeant after spending time in Afghanistan and was now leading her own unit.

Sy was impressed. He liked women who were strong and capable, but they were also usually trouble. She already looked miffed about the separate living quarters. In Sy’s defense, he had only thought about making it less uncomfortable for the ladies. Wouldn’t have minded if she had stayed right across from mine though.

He rolled his eyes, exasperated at his train of thoughts yet again. His dick was beginning to strain against the fabric of his pants and as he caught a glimpse of her red-hair heading towards his office, he chose to adjust himself. Because sitting with an erection at their first briefing was not on his agenda today.

“Sir?” Olivia asked, standing at the door with her hands behind her back.

Sy nodded for her to enter. He tried to angle himself in his chair so as to hide his bulge from the Sergeant. “Sergeant Ross,” he cleared his throat, placing the papers back in their place.

“I also go by Liv, sir.” Sy could see the confidence in her eyes glimmer when she spoke. She was fierce, he would give her that. The last time Harper had arrived with his men, they had looked weary and tired. But Olivia looked like she could go to war right now if she was asked to.

“And I go by Sy.” He smirked, watching as Liv spared him a smile. “Are your men ready?”

“Yes. They are getting prepped by your men.”

Sy nodded. There was an empty chair right next to where Liv stood, but she had chosen to stand instead. Typical soldiers. He gestured towards the seat with one hand, “You can take a seat.”

“I’m completely fine here, sir.”

He tried desperately to not let his eyes roam over her body. She had changed from her fatigues to the standard military t-shirt with her cargo pants. It was becoming increasingly difficult to not let his inhibitions down. 

He caved.

Sy noted how the fabric stretched over her bosom, curving over her mounds. Her dog tags laid in the valley between her breasts, another silver chain hanging with it. The belt she had cinched at her waist highlighted her figure, making Sy lick his lips. Olivia seemed to be aware of her effect on him, as Sy noticed her fighting a smile.

He coughed and adjusted in his seat as his own soldier came to life again. “Th-the food truck… arrives every week.” He pulled out a map from underneath the table. Spreading it out on his desk, he leaned to point at an ‘X’ marked on it. Olivia took a few steps forward and leaned in too, to understand him better with visualization.

He explained to her the routes they were going to take and the air support they would be needing. All the while she had been standing bent over the table and her face was only a small distance away from him. Sy was aware of their proximity because in this dry desert where all he could smell was gas and sweat, he was getting a whiff of lavender from her.

“What happened to the food trucks from last week? Were you able to get them to the village safely?” Olivia asked. Her eyebrows knitted together in concentration as she looked at the map again.

Sy scratched his beard, looking up to her. “They have set IEDs on the road. We couldn’t even reach the truck. The bastards blew it up as it was turning up the mountain.”

Olivia let out an angry huff and stood up straight. “It’s a good thing we can look from above now.” Sy gave her a nod as she went back to standing with her hands behind her back.

He decided to stand up. In front of him she looked small. Her head barely reached his shoulder and to speak he had to look down. “About the quarters,” he started.

“If I may, sir,” she interrupted him. He gestured at her to speak. “I’m actually thankful for that. Because with your initial surprise at me being a woman and your men looking at us like we are dinner, I’m glad to be staying with the ones I really know.”

“Hey, if you feel vulnerable out here-”

“No sir.” Olivia looked him in the eye. “We are not vulnerable. We do not need you guys to protect us. But we also don’t want to be looked at, like we are for your pleasure.”

Sy understood what she was trying to convey. She hadn’t been fighting a smile earlier. No, she had been fighting a sneer. He clenched his jaw because his mama had raised him to never yell at a woman. He had found her blatant accusation to be rude and being from a higher rank, he could also inflict punishment on her.

But that is not how he worked. And, this was not how he wanted them to start their shared time in this Godforsaken land.

So instead, he decided to be formal. "You are dismissed, Sergeant Ross.” 

The challenge in her eyes was somehow arousing for Sy. She had her head held high, her shoulders squared and her back straight. He watched her with furrowed brows as she turned and walked out the door, the confidence in her steps glaringly evident.

Fiery, Sy thought with a renewed smile creeping up on his lips. Just the way I like them.

Chapter Two>

✨Series Masterlist✨

Tagging:@wanderlustkitkat @michelehansel @stephartrave @yuhsophie @hennerslionhat @henrythickcavill @eldarwen333 @peakygroupie @klaine-92 @thelastsock @indigosaurus @oddsnendsfanfics @viking-raider @cavillliketravel @geralt-of-baevia @achaoticaugust @dancingwendigo @littlefreya @luclittlepond @mansaaay @agniavateira @inlovewithhisblueeyes @henryobsessed @henryfanfics101 @poucinette1333 @ohmygoodie @oolicity @wolvesandhoundshowltogether @asyverson @awhitewolfandhisvibraniumshield

[tabloidtoc]

Us, May 25

Cover: Is Ellen DeGeneres a Monster? 

Page 4: Who Wore It Best? Camilla Luddington vs. Scarlett Johansson ✅, Bella Hadid ✅ vs. Leomie Anderson, Melissa Gorga ✅ vs. Brooke Burke 

Page 6: Emily Osment ✅ vs. Ming-Na Wen vs. Laura Marano 

Page 8: Loose Talk -- Mindy Kaling reminiscing about work, Chris Hemsworth on his dog gracing the cover of GQ with him, B.J. Novak joking about screen-time alerts, Mark Consuelos on the time he hopped a flight to NYC and staged an elaborate ruse because he thought wife Kelly Ripa was cheating on him, Miley Cyrus on FaceTiming with mom Tish Cyrus all day long 

Page 10: Contents 

Page 12: Hot Pics -- Tobey Maguire and girlfriend Tatiana Dieteman take a stroll, Carrie Underwood and son Jacob, Meghan Markle reads to son Archie 

Page 13: Katy Perry dressed up as Mrs. Jumbo and her dog Nugget as Dumbo, Stacy Keibler and newborn daughter Isabella Faith 

Page 14: Chrissy Teigen and daughter Luna, Joan Collins, Arnold Schwarzenegger pretend to do the splits, Neil Patrick Harris and daughter Harper and dog Gidget 

Page 16: Stars proudly show off their grays -- Tia Mowry-Hardrict, Tamera Mowry-Housley, Hilarie Burton, DJ Khaled with kids Asahd and Aalam 

Page 17: Salma Hayek, Nikki Bella and fiance Artem Chigvintsev, Eva Longoria, Christie Brinkley, Sarah Silverman 

Page 18: The stars rock colorful eyelids -- Kate Beckinsale, Barbie Ferreira, January Jones, Jennifer Lopez, Elle Fanning, Sadie Sink 

Page 19: Tracee Ellis Ross, Cara Delevingne, Margot Robbie, Keke Palmer, Zendaya, Dua Lipa, Lizzo 

Page 20: Stars They’re Just Like Us -- Reese Witherspoon has a hobby, Casey Affleck hydrates, Lucy Hale walks her dog Elvis 

Page 21: Martha Stewart mows the lawn, Sylvester Stallone takes a nap, Shia LaBeouf goes running, Brie Larson and Elijah Allan-Blitz go shopping 

Page 22: Love Lives -- Wells Adams and Sarah Hyland quarantine really well together 

Page 23: Cynthia Bailey and fiance Mike Hill are being tested by the pandemic, Avril Lavigne and Pete Jonas are in tune with each other, Robert Herjavec and Kym Johnson no date nights are no problem 

Page 24: Hollywood Moms -- Shawn Johnson on her daughter Drew 

Page 25: Denise Richards’ three daughters have grown up watching her play with beauty products but she had strict rules for when her oldest girls Sam and Lola could start experimenting with makeup, Bekah Martinez’s 15-month-old Ruth hasn’t yet noticed her mama’s big belly pregnant with boyfriend Grayston Leonard, Shay Mitchell loves taking pictures of baby Atlas 

Page 26: Hot Hollywood -- Kim Kardashian feels she needs some space from Kanye West 

Page 27: Kate Middleton is the queen of recycling outfits, Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler it’s war 

Page 28: A Day in the Life At-Home Edition -- Mike Colter 

Page 29: The stars give us more reasons to smile during these trying times -- the biggest bop to come out of quarantine so far belongs to Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande in the form of their new song Stuck With U, Michelle Obama’s new Netflix doc Becoming filmed while on tour for her bestselling memoir serves as inspiration, Harry Potter News -- as part of the Harry Potter at Home project fans can listen to the first book read by Daniel Radcliffe and more, Rupert Grint and his longtime girlfriend Georgia Groome welcomed a baby girl 

Page 30: Cover Story -- The Truth About Ellen DeGeneres -- monster or misunderstood? Ellen’s reputation has taken a beating in recent weeks 

Page 34: The Ex Factor -- these former couples may have their differences but they make it work for the sake of the kiddos during the pandemic -- Anderson Cooper and Benjamin Maisani, Tarek El Moussa and Christina Anstead

Page 35: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson 

Page 36: Style -- Countdown to Summer -- Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez and their kids 

Page 37: Hailey and Justin Bieber, Reese Witherspoon with husband and kids 

Page 40: Entertainment -- Monica Raymund on Hightown 

Page 42: Take Five with Shameik Moore 

Page 43: Logan Paul on the Valley Girl remake 

Page 48: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me -- Neve Campbell 

[rose-lily-hale]

A southern gothic/revenge country mix.

Listen

Hell On Heels – Pistol Annies || Goodbye Earl – The Dixie Chicks || Two Black Cadillacs – Carrie Underwood || Church Bells – Carrie Underwood || Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood || Gunpowder & Lead – Miranda Lambert || Kiss This – Aaron Tippin || Maneater – Blue Eyed Blondes || Harper Valley P.T.A – Jeannie C. Riley || Stripes – Brandi Clark || Done – The Band Perry || These Boots Are Made For Walking – Nancy Sinatra || My Big Iron Skillet – Wanda Jackson || Raise Hell - Brandi Carlisle || Mama’s Broken Heart – Miranda Lambert || Marked Man - Mieka Pauley || Oh Henry – The Civil Wars || Tornado – Little Big Town || Kerosene – Miranda Lambert || Fire – Delta Rae || The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia - Reba McEntire || I Will Never Die – Delta Rae || Muddy Water – Lucette || Filthy Dirty South - Rising Appalachia || Pretty Polly – Vandaveer || Girl In A Country Song - Maddie & Tae || Independence Day – Martina McBride || Blood On My Name - The Brothers Bright || Chainsaw - The Band Perry || Gun In My Hand - Dorothy || Hell’s Bells - Cary Ann Hearst || House of The Rising Sun - Lauren O’Connell

[thelittlefanpire]

The 100 Ask Game

okay, I was searching through @dylanobrienisbatman’s echo tag for some head canons awhile back and stumbled upon this! I’ve tweaked it a little and added some things from S5 and omg this is so fun! thanks to whoever made this ask game! S6 STARTS TONIGHT!

1. What Station on the Ark would you be from?

Farm Station. I grew up in the south and my great/grandparents all owned farms so yeah, probably Farm Station.

2. What would you get arrested for on the Ark?

I think this happened to a character in the book...I would probably get locked up for getting pregnant as a teen! lol

3. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground?

If Bellamy Blake asked me to, you bet I would.

4. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..)

an eagle 🦅

5. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be?

WELLS DESERVED BETTER JAHA

6. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they?

The Leaders: Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin

The Brains: Raven Reyes & Monty Green

The Muscle : Lincoln kom Trikru

7. What Grounder Clan would you belong to you?

Geographically, I would probably reside in Trikru somewhere. But I really want to live in Shallow Valley. I wish we had seen more of that clan!

8. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? (example: Octavia=Okteivia…just make it up!)

sara - sera ? I don’t know. lol

9. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious

He was okay in the beginning. I was pissed when I found out he had a girlfriend in space and was trying to get with Clarke on the ground. I did not like him at all in S2! The guy really lost it in the end.

10. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does?

I would have been able to resist in the beginning. Maybe took a step back to watch others take it first. But peer pressure, man. I would have given in eventually.

11. What character do you relate to most?

Clarke Griffin. She’s been isolated a lot and that’s something I relate to. And her Mama Bear instincts.

12. What character do you like the least?

S1- Finn, S2- Cage Wallace, S3- Pike, S4- Echo, S5- Kara Cooper

13. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical)

Clarke’s soda tab jacket or Raven’s red bomber jacket!

14. Favorite type of mutant animal?

The blue butterflies! 🦋

15. What would your job be on the Ark?

A teacher! Teaching Earth History! Oh, that sounds amazing.

16. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked?

Barf.

17. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, but she was still alive then who would have made the best commander?

Luna. Is there any other answer but Luna?

Nightblood aside, I think Octavia (with Lincoln still alive to influence her) would be a cool choice too.

18. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty?

Paranoid af.

19. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake approach?

Bellamy Blake approach.

20. Who should have been the Chancellor, if anyone?

I don’t care who is the Chancellor, but Clarke Griffin is in charge. lol. Kane was the best leader for Skaikru on the ground.

21. Would you have been on Pike’s side like Bellamy or on Kane’s side? Or Clarke in Polis?

Kane’s side! Viva la revolución!

22. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod) What is the one thing you would snatch while there?

Chocolate. All the chocolate!

23. What would your Grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint?

Tattoos: let me get that eagle across my back or on my sternum that I’ve always wanted

Hairstyle: the most epic Harper style braid please

War paint: no thanks

24. Favorite quote?

”In peace, may you leave this shore.

In love, may you find the next.

Safe passage on your travels,

until our final journey to the ground.

May we meet again.”

-The Traveler’s Blessing

Or literally anything Bellamy Blake says. lol

25. If all of the characters were in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning?

I feel like as unlikely as it is, the show really has Octavia set up as Warrior Princess Goddess Hero and she would win. lol. As far as forming alliances and making it to the end...Clarke Griffin could make it with Bellamy Blake by her side throwing back nighlock berries till the end.

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite canon ship? Favorite non canon ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC OR BE

Least: Mackson

Favorite canon: Zaven

Favorite non-canon: Sea Mechanic

27. A song that should be included in the next season? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo?

Radioactive needs to make another appearance in S6

Musical Guest Star: how about Hozier?

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time?

We’d probably go crazy.

29. Your an extra that gets killed off. How do you die?

Bellamy Blake choking me to death... (can’t believe this took me so long to answer. Is there really any other answer from me?)

30. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of?

I would have liked more flashbacks of Roan and Luna and Lincoln. Spacekru on the Ring. Emori? Harper? literally everyone, right?

31. A character you’d bang?

Bellamy Blake. All day. Every day.

32. Would you stay in the Bunker? Go up to Space? Or live on your own in Eden?

SPACE!

33. In the Bunker, would you follow Octavia? What would you do to pass the time underground?

Sure. I don’t think I’d have much of a choice. I’d probably help take care of all the little kids!

34. What crime would you commit in the Bunker that lands you in the fighting pits?

Okay, so the way my life works I would probably get pregnant...again. And steal some blankets or something that I needed for all my kids. I’m not even going to front and say I survive that fighting pit sooo hope Blodreina trains them little squirts well!

35. Up in Space, who would you bond with first? Who would be the most difficult for you to get along with?

I’m instantly bonding with Harper. She’s the sweetest.

I’m going to be a little leary of Bellamy Blake during his Clarke ‘I left her behind’ Griffin Depression hour. So he’s probably really mopey and moody. And let’s just avoid him for a while.

36. How long do you think you would last on Earth by yourself?

Two weeks? I’d probably starve to death.

37. When the Eligius ship lands what do you do?

HIDE! And then spy on them. Figure out who they are and if they’re friendly. Go to them for help if they are. Take them all out in their sleep if they’re not.

38. Favorite Eligius character? Least favorite?

Miles Ezekiel ‘Zeke’ Shaw!

That creepy Kodiak guy.

39. Would you Spacewalk?

Hell yes!

40. Would you prefer to eat Windshield Bugs, Space Algae, or Bunker Meat?

Bugs, definitely bugs.

41. Would you start a war for the last spot of green on earth? What would your solution be to avoid it?

I’d fight for it.

42. Would you rather dig out flesh-eating worms or stick thumb drives into bullet holes?

BAND-AIDS DON’T FIX BULLET HOLES — AND NEITHER DO THUMB DRIVES. That was such a clever move. I’m going with thumb drives over worms. I hate the worm scene. gross!

43. Are you willing to poison your sister for the Traitor Who You Love? What would you do to stop Octavia?

I’m not a big fan of my sister, so yes. Was there any easier way to stop Octavia? I mean, Clarke wanted to kill her. They wanted to protect Madi. As much as that scene pained me I think Bellamy did the right thing soooo I would poison her.

44. Would you go to sleep in cryo or stay awake like Marper?

Stay asleep. Unless I’m living my entire life with Bellamy Blake by my side I dont want it.

45. Who are you waking up first to explore the new planet?

JR isn’t going to give it to us so I’m waking up Octavia so her and Jordan can have a First One on the Ground Pilot parallel!

you may have already done this so I’m sorry! But the bottom questions are new!

tagging...everyone :) : @the-most-beautiful-broom @baellamy @youleftme-clarke @chants-de-lune @asroarke @marvelscaptainss @pawprinterfanfic @octannibal-blake @thehundredtimesobsessed @tabatharich @sly2o @grumpybell @galaxyblake @mjlupin22 @probably-voldemort @twd-is-life-98 @ghoulbrothers @ponyregrets @bettsfic @chancellorgriffin @sometimesrosy @sclestial @johnmurphysass @peterstarkss @clarkegriffintitties @daeneryskairipa @nikitajobson @perpetualbbps @lieutenantshaw @talistheintrovert @diyozas @llysandra @morleybobs @mamabearsdontthink @angelwingsnaya @selflessbellamy @hopewolves @kinetic-elaboration @raven-reyes-of-sunshine @anne-shirley-blythe @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold @el-corazon-y-la-cabeza @chase-the-windandtouch-the-sky @catastrophic-chloe @lovethyblakes @ellaalyse @eyessharpweaponshot @clarke-kom-eden @viviansternwood and anyone else who wants to join!

[jamessandersweb]

33 Hot Country Songs All About Stone-Cold Revenge

If you think country music is all about love and pickup trucks, then it's time to take a walk on the dark side of a genre where houses with abusive husbands are routinely blown up and you don't want to imagine what's lurking at the bottom of the river. From women who have had more than enough from their lying, cheating spouses to a boy named Sue hellbent on finding his scoundrel of a father, these are some of the best country songs about revenge. Some of these anthems are funny - like Travis Tritt offering his ex a quarter when she comes crawling back to him - but many of them will send a chill down your spine.

Just remember: dusty country roads hold plenty of secrets, and before you go seeking revenge, you might want to channel Tritt instead of Carrie Underwood, no matter how jaw-dropping her anthems about making men pay are. Revenge often comes with consequences, but it also produces unforgettable songs.

"These Boots Are Made For Walkin'," Nancy Sinatra

"Two Black Cadillacs," Carrie Underwood

"Goodbye Earl," Dixie Chicks

"Cowgirl's Revenge," Megan Hilty

"Tornado," Little Big Town

"Oh Henry," The Civil Wars

"The Thunder Rolls," Brooks Jefferson

"Independence Day," Martina McBride

"Before He Cheats," Carrie Underwood

"Better Dig Two," The Band Perry

"Old Time Angels," Jim Lauderdale

"Harper Valley P.T.A.," Jeannie C. Riley

"Pray For You," Jaron and the Long Road to Love

"Trailer For Rent," Pistol Annies

"Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)," Travis Tritt

"Decoration Day," Drive-By-Truckers

"Gunpowder and Lead," Liz Davis

"Looking Back Now," Maggie Rose

"Someone Will Pay," Justin Townes Earl

"Mama's Broken Heart," Miranda Lambert

"My Big Iron Skillet," Wanda Jackson

"A Boy Named Sue," Johnny Cash

"Kerosene," Miranda Lambert

"Picture to Burn," Taylor Swift

"Sweet Revenge," Nashville Cast

"Yvette," Jason Isbell

"Marie Laveau," The Delta Bombers

"Blown Away," Carrie Underwood

"Fire," Delta Rae

"The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia," Reba McEntire

"In State," Kathleen Edwards

"Fist City," Loretta Lynn

"Carolina Drama," The Raconteurs

Just remember: if you want to listen to the playlist, you'll need to download the free Spotify software or app!

33 Hot Country Songs All About Stone-Cold Revenge published first on https://filmstreaminghdvf.tumblr.com/

[lenady]

1968 Playlist

A vintage playlist for cooking vintage recipes. Cause I love immersing myself. Just some of my favorites from 1968.

2 + 2 = ? – The Bob Seger System

Abraham, Martin, and John - Dion

Ain’t Got No, I Got Life – Nina Simone

Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing – Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell

All Along the Watchtower – the Jimi Hendrix Experience

Baby Come Back – The Equals

Bend Me, Shape Me – The American Breed

Both Sides Now – Judy Collins

Born to be Wild – Steppenwolf

Build Me up Buttercup – The Foundations

Dance to the Music – Sly & The Family Stone

Gimme Little Sign – Brenton Wood

Going up to the Country – Canned Heat

Folsom Prison Blues – Johnny Cash

Harper Valley P.T.A. – Jeannie C. Riley

Hey Jude – The Beatles

I’m Gonna Make You Love Me – Diana Ross and the Supremes, The Temptations

I Say a Little Prayer – Aretha Franklin

Jelly Jungle (Of Orange Marmalade) – The  Lemon Pipers

Jumpin Jack Flash – The Rolling Stones

Just dropped In (To see What Condition My Condition Is In) Kenny Rogers and the first Edition

Lady Madonna – the Beatles

Love Child – Diana Ross

Love is Blue – Paul Mauriat

Mama Tried – Merle Haggard

Mony Mony – Tommy James & the Shondells

Mrs. Robinson – Simon & Garfunkel

Obladi Oblada – The Beatles

Piece of My Heart – Big Brother and the Holding Company

Revolution – The Beatles

Rosie – Don Partridge

Scarborough Fair/Canticle – Simon & Garfunkel

Son of a Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield

Sunshine of Your Love – Cream

(Sweet Sweet Baby) Since You’ve Been Gone – Aretha Franklin

The Fool on the Hill – Sergio Mendes & Brasil ’66

The Weight – The Band

(Theme From) Valley of the dolls – Dionne Warwick

Think - Aretha Franklin

This Guy’s in Love With you – Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass

Touch Me - The Doors

Wichita Lineman – Glen Campbell

With A Little Help from my fiends – Joe Cocker

Young Girl – Gary Puckett & The Union Gap

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy – Ohio Express

[trashboatprince]

Big Mama Harper is always happy to meet the ladies in the towns she visits.

Felt like drawing her as a human, cause I wanted to draw that smirk on her face as she smokes her cigar. Kinda hard to do that on a puppet’s face.

[yothisthing]

Almost two years ago, I posted on this blog a Diana Trask song with the disclaimer that I was working on a long-form post concerning the history of feminism in country music. Given that...almost two years have passed without my completing that post, I’m going to redirect this instead to a song-a-week format to get these guys moving. I can no longer stand idly by as I hear people disparage country music as the jingoistic, chauvinistic, crapmusicistic genre that only its modern crossover branch represents when country music itself has been so formative in my development as a music lover, as a proud liberal patriot, and especially as a feminist. If female country artists are represented to you by Shania Twain and Taylor Swift, or even by Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert, then I have some (s)layers I’d like to introduce you to. You’re just not going to believe the stuff these women were singing about 50 years ago, right down the street from teenage Mitch McConnells and Lamar Alexanders, who were clearly scarred for life by their flaming radical singing wombs.

For the inaugural installation of Country Pussycat Wednesday, we welcome Billie Jo Spears, who released her first single, the spectacularly country music-titled “Too Old For Toys, Too Young For Boys” at the age of 13. As is still the case today, country music in the 60s and 70s was like the grade-school playground of music, with artists writing and trading songs to perform like baseball cards, and Billie Jo is arguably best known for being the first recording artist of a song that later became a massive crossover hit for somebody else (Jeannie Riley’s “Harper Valley PTA”). But Billie Jo was a terrific and prolific artist throughout her own life, and as she was married five times, had no children, and spent a good bit of her later career gallivanting around the UK once she realized she was getting better recognition there than in the US, it seems to me that her life was a pretty groovy one. Anyway.

“Mr. Walker It’s All Over” (1969) (aka the #1 song I was surprised never turned up on Mad Men) tells the sassy tale of a small-town Kansas girl who heads to New York with dreams of cities and secretarial work, and finds the reality to be dirtier [”I have to share the place with bugs and big ol' mice”], grabbier [”...that's a lot of hands a-reaching out/To grab the things that I consider mine”], and less dignified [”I fetch paper clips and coffee/Even help you dodge your domineering wife”] than she expected. Having decided through the course of the song that it is, of course, All Over, she puts in her notice, but how does she do it? She takes the letter of the law of her boss’s “sweetheart in personnel” and submits her required written resignation by SCRAWLING IT IN LIPSTICK ACROSS SAID SWEETHEART’S DESK. She also drops a gloriously cheeky (and, I have to believe, 100% intentional) double play on the phrase “wanted ad” in reference to her now-vacant position and her morally questionable boss, which, I mean, I dream of being this clever when I quit a job. Or even just when I write a song about it. (I do not write songs.)

Like all great country songs, though, it’s not only the lyrics that hammer home the point of this song. The mostly minorish chords underscore the story’s dry and sarcastic tone, and the key change that accompanies the secretary’s job walkoff imbues it with musical power and agency. Crucially, though, the whole song still feels playful and upbeat, despite its covering some potentially sad and shady ground. This is a credit to both the singing and the songwriting, but it’s also emblematic of the general swagger that pervades songs wherein female country artists sing about feminist themes, which we’ll delve into quite a bit on Country Pussycat Wednesday. Female country singers tend to get sad only when they’re telling us about loss. Where injustice is concerned, they right the wrong, sing about it wittily, and move on. They wallow only in death, never in life.

Mr. Walker’s former secretary, having had enough of the New York experience, heads home to Kansas and her mama, and makes up her mind to marry the boy next door, though “he don’t know it” yet. I guess it’s somewhat inevitable that the happy ending to this tale of wondrous female workforce power must be the promise of a marriage. And here is perhaps where we have to take into account that “Mr. Walker”, like “Harper Valley PTA”, was written by a man. But that’s a WHOLE OTHER post.

- Annie D.

[trashboatprince]

Got a new puppet oc for ya!

This is Harper ‘Big Mama’ Valley, she is a cattle rustler, bank robber, straight up thief, and con woman who has quite the reputation.

She and Lemon Water have a past, they met during Lemon’s early days in the states, when she and her brother moved to their first town (before Showdown Valley), and they dated for a short time. It didn’t end well, seeing as Harper is too in-your-face, too abrasive, her ego is massive, and she punched Lemon’s brother in the face, which is a huge no-no for Lemon.

Anyway, Harper travels around with her gang, causing mayhem and chaos, stealing from people and towns, mackin’ on the ladies, and trying to get her name known throughout all of the west.

Also, she’s found Lemon in Showdown Valley and has made it her duty, when in town, to bother the girl for information on people, and has tried to date girls Lemon likes to make her jealous as revenge for breaking up with her, since no one breaks up with Big Mama (doesn’t help that she’s suspicious of someone that Lemon really likes who the shop owner denies knowing) 

Harper’s a hard smokin’, hard drinkin’, son of a gun that will make you all remember her name as she runs off with all your money.

[trashboatprince]

Some art of my showdown bandit ocs I posted up on twitter.

Big Mama knows that her ex, Lemon, is dating someone and she’s gonna figure out who it is, and give them a little... talk. 

Second one is modern human Lemon dealing with her most annoying customer, Big Mama Harper, who is supposed to be banned from the shop, but that’s not gonna stop her.

And the last is a member of Big Mama’s posse, Bug-Eyed Missy. She’s a silent sharpshooter whose large eyes help her with her aim, somehow. She doesn’t speak much, due to a very damaged jaw that she keeps covered up. Missy is a very creepy individual due to her silent nature and the fact that she almost seems insect-like

[trashboatprince]

I mentioned on twitter that I was gonna talk more about Lemon’s backstory, so here it is.

It’s a bit of a long post, so it’s under the cut:

Lemon Water is the second of three children, her brother Citrus is the first born, and she has a little sister named Melon. Her father is named Ice and her mother is Lime.

She comes from a rich, powerful family in the tea, spice, and alcohol business, hence why she has a love for tea.

At ten, Lemon realized that she had no interest in guys romantically and started to crush a bit of her classmates at her boarding school. When she was sixteen, Lemon borrowed some of Citrus’ old clothes and snuck out on her own to clubs and bars in London where she’d try to talk to girls around her age, pretending to be a boy named Lemmy to see if she’d have an easier time talking to them.

Turns out a few of her classmates and other girls in London would be around these places and didn’t mind Lemon being a girl under her borrowed clothes. She actually ended up getting her first kiss from a classmate who she secretly dated, however, it also got her into a hell of a lot of trouble.

A servant found out she was sneaking out and caught the seventeen year old smooching a girl. Her father and mother were furious and planned to either marry her off without her consent to a man, or send her to a nunnery (even though they didn’t want that option, they wanted her to marry an associate who would make them richer through trade).

Luckily, Citrus stepped in, telling them that he’d take Lemon with him to the US with him. He told them that they didn’t allow gay people in the west, where he was planning on setting up a saloon in order to get better business over there in the west. They agree, believing that Lemon wouldn’t give into her devilish temptations, as they put it, in a place that is mainly occupied by men. Plus, she could help sell their teas and spices there.

Citrus only did this because he didn’t give a rat’s ass about the family business, he just wanted his sister to live her life and be happy, he doesn’t care that she likes women as long as she’s happy.

They get to the states when she’s eighteen and they get to the west, only to have to stay in a town that isn’t the one where their shops will be. Why? Cause plot convenience and their shops are finished being built. So anyway, they’re in this small town and this is where Lemon meets Big Mama Harper Valley. The woman is tall, built like a brick wall, and is smart as a tack.

And, strangely enough, pulls off the act of a gentleman quite well as she flirts with this new girl, really putting on the charm for Lemon. Doesn’t take long for Lemon to fall for her and they start to date.

It goes well for a few weeks, until Harper starts to show her true colors, and her ‘classroom’, aka her posse. Lemon realizes that this woman is dangerous, she’s killed people and she’s a thief, a ruffian, and incredibly rude! Plus, she’s too frisky for Lemon, who is still trying to, ya know, get use to the idea of being more open about her sexuality after hiding it for so long.

Well, one day, Harper asks Lemon to join her group, to ditch her future shop and brother, to run off with her as her bride. The idea freaks Lemon out and she tells her no, but Big Mama doesn’t like that, thinking that Citrus (who has never approved of the relationship and was very open about it) told her to reject any offers she’s made.

So she approaches him and socks him right in the jaw, which results in them getting into a fight. Lemon breaks it up and tells Harper that they’re through, she will not date a brute.

Big Mama swears she’ll get Lemon to change her mind, or at least find a way to make her life a pain because no one, and I mean no one, breaks up with Big Mama! It’s betrayal, and she *loathes* that.

Well, Lemon and Citrus don’t stay in the town for long, two days later, they’re on their way to Showdown Valley, where their shops are. The day they leave, Lemon sees out of the window of her stagecoach a woman walk into town, catching only a glimpse of her. It wouldn’t be until a few days later that the newspaper in Showdown Valley reports that a bounty hunter has captured and brought in Big Mama Harper. Her classroom were able to flee, but their most dangerous member was caught.

Once in Showdown Valley, Lemon is nervous to meet people at first, it takes about a week for her to open up and show off her normally-sunny personality and welcomes in guests. She even starts to make friends, and returns to her flirty ways. She’s about 23 in the art I draw of her, so she’s been living in the states for five or so years. 

[trashboatprince]

Can you tell us more about Big Mama? Any head canons for her?

*cracks knuckles* Here we go!

Harper Valley got her nickname of ‘Big Mama’ cause in her earlier years, she use to be a school teacher and due to her height and size, along with her shockingly caring nature towards small children. Surprising, yes? She was pretty good at her job, and was also good with children, despite how rude she was to adults. (she’s always been very brash and crude) 

But at the time, she was in a failing marriage. Her husband was a jerk, often ignoring her for days on end as he went off and did shit on his own without letting her know. When she found out the man cheated on her, she thought, I don’t wanna be some wimpy lady who lets a man push her around anymore! Screw this life, I want to do whatever I want! And I want to cause mayhem and chaos! 

So she shotgun blasted her husband, stole all his money, and wrote ‘no one betrays Big Mama’ on the wall of her bedroom before she ran off into the night and started her career of becoming a force of nature one cannot ignore.

She ended up gaining a gang of women, and a few men, who were also betrayed or felt that they deserved more, and now roam the west together. I don’t have a clever name for her posse, but they’re all just as deadly as her.

She’s in her thirties, has been doing this for a little over a decade, and only has a few rules when it comes to her gang. No one is better than Mama, no one is allowed to harm children unless if that child is attacking first (at least just knock them out), kill any man or woman who fights you and tries to stop you, make sure they remember you, and no one is allowed to betray Big Mama or life will be hell.

She met Lemon in a town she was visiting and the girl was new, trying to work in a saloon her brother was trying to set up a partnership in. They hit it off well enough, Harper likes pretty girls (especially when they come from rich families), but this one seemed very special. However, after a few dates, Mama showed her true colors and freaked Lemon out. Didn’t help that the girl’s got a protective brother, so Mama knocked him out and nearly broke his jaw, making Lemon call it quits.

Mama felt betrayed, no one breaks up with her! So she decided to make it a goal in her life to bother Lemon, steal her girlfriends and potential girlfriends, and get the girl to give her information cause her little cafe and her brother’s bar pick up a lot of information on people.

She is also on a search for the woman that Lemon really seems to have a soft spot for, that one that her ex really fancies, but the only information she has is that Lemon calls her ‘sugarcube’. She hasn’t figured out it’s Rosario, the only bounty hunter to put her away in jail for a while (until she broke out).

Harper is a very tall puppet, also very strong too. Her outfit is based on a character from blazing saddles btw, and her name came from a song. She may not seem it, but she’s very smart, she uses her old teacher skills to her advantage. In the show, she was just an antagonist who bothered Showdown Valley and sometimes Bandit would try to scare her off, or have to have the town help him out. Behind the scenes, she has this whole backstory so her character has a lot more going for her.

Also, for some reason, her hair is gray cause I honestly thought the mental image was really cool for her. 

[trashboatprince]

I accidentally deleted the ask this was for, but someone wanted me to draw Big Mama in her underwear.

I dunno what you were expecting, but in the old west, a lot of people wore long johns.